S and ears, señoritas.
I'm sergeant bambino, commanding officer
Of this here maternal mission.
In case you aren't aware, fort gator
Has the highest teen-pregnancy rate in the nation.
[ students cheering ] no, stop. That's a bad thing.
Therefore, this mother's day weekend,
Your good friends in the u.S. Military
Will run an advanced simulation.
We're calling it operation: Keep your legs closed.
After self-impregnation, your a.I. Real baby embryo
Will migrate up into your womb and expand to newborn size.
In t-minus four to six hours, you'll give birth,
Then care for your baby until a recon team comes to retrieve it.
But it won't be easy.
These babies' sole mission is to get you to shake them.
Your mission is to resist.
Questions?!
-Um, I don't want to do this.
-Spoken like a real parent. Next!
-I've already decided not to have kids
For environmental reasons.
Do I still have to participate?
-Affirmative. -Aw.
-According to our research, 77% of babies born today
Contain more plastic than your average water bottle.
So giving birth is a lot more like recycling than you think.
-But, mister, what happens if we do shake the babies?
-One shake -- nothing. Two shakes -- also nothing.
But three shakes and you're out of the reproductive game.
Your girlie eggs will be frozen for a decade -- minimum!
[ students gasp ] -frozen?
Like, harvested and preserved cryogenically?
-No, ma'am.
Frozen like funds in a bank account.
Now, I'll wait outside the classroom
While you insert the babies.
But please don't swallow them,
As they're considered a choking hazard.
Okay, line up and serve your country,
Ladies!
[ baby cries ]
-♪ I'm not as crazy as I used to be ♪
♪ some of my devils up and left me free ♪
♪ to find a quiet space, I'm not as out of place ♪
♪ and I'm coming home again ♪
♪ it's been too long a time gettin' back what's mine ♪
♪ and I can't remember why I went away ♪
♪ but it's lookin' now like maybe I can stay ♪
Is that any good?
-Baba, please take me with you!
Every year, all you want for mother's day
Is to be left alone.
But this year, I want to do something together.
How about a couple's massage?
Or a mother-son tantric brunch.
It's less sexual than it sounds.
-No, peter.
Old country way is mothers spend mother's day weekend
Alone in forest, trapping and killing bear.
That best gift.
-Well, I'm making annie take me to the mama-con pub crawl
For our first mother's day together.
It's like santacon but for single moms.
-I think I'm crowning!
Boil some water!
Aaaah!
-You think giving birth is gonna get you
Out of taking me to mama-con?
Well, think again.
Being pregnant never stopped me from drinking.
-This isn't a real pregnancy! Aaaah!
I'm part of a secret government experiment!
Aaaah! -That's either your shame
Talking or my tax dollars hard at work.
So, yeah, win-win for baba. Good luck.
-You, too, baba!
And happy mother's day!
Little help here?
-Sorry. I got to deliver a surprise
Picnic brunch to baba in the woods.
[ watch beeping ]
Shh! -Fine. I'll do it.
The sooner you can squeeze this thing out,
The sooner we can mama-con.
I did this when I was your age, so you can, too.
It doesn't take a genius.
Okay, pull!
Pull!
Oh, oops.
Push!
[ coughs ]
Oh, wet!
Oh, get her off me.
Ouch! It's gripping!
-Real baby activated.
Initiating maternal-instinct test.
Commence wail mode. [ wailing ]
-[ gasps ] stop! Please!
Stop! Please be quiet.
-Oh, no! No! No, no!
-Shake number 1.
Bad mommy.
-Problem solved.
Let's go. -You cannot shake her.
If it happens twice more, my eggs will be frozen.
-Mommy detected.
Low self-esteem, people-pleasing tendencies.
Commencing shake-temptation protocol.
[ wailing ] -okay, way to be
An assertive little girl boss.
You know what you want, and mommy loves it.
Don't touch her.
Sorry, but the baby and I should probably stay home.
-Just leave it here, annie. What's it gonna do?
Call 911?
That's the great thing about babies.
They can't.
-Connecting to 911. -No, no, no.
End call, end call.
I can't leave her alone. -Fine.
Bring it. I can't believe a baby
Is ruining a perfectly good mother's day.
-[ imitates bear grunt ]
[ rustling ]
-Surprise! Oh!
-Idiot!
I nearly put bullet-sized hole in boy-sized head.
What in the hell are you doing here?
-I thought you might be hungry out here.
Hungry for a son's love.
And! -No. I very full.
Baba just rocky balboa a half-dozen eggs.
-Well, I took the liberty of learning
How to cook a delicious traditional old country brunch.
Sad possum with a side of ryegrass,
And to wash it down, your favorite, brown wine.
-Ehhh! -Boo!
-Eat my ryegrass, poor-planning strumpet!
-Boo! -Hyah!
-Get husband, you nympho! -Shameful.
Unwed teen mom give birth alone in shame cave.
♪♪
-[ grunting ]
[ baby crying ]
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Aha.
Tell me, little one, do you like the teat?
[ groans ]
[ gasps ]
We have visitor.
Hello, mr. Bear.
We friendly.
See?
-[ roars ]
[ baby crying ]
-[ yells ]
[ crying continues ]
Hyah!
Huh?
Ha ha!
Aah! [ grunts ]
[ baby wailing ]
Girls, new enemy is bear.
One day, we get revenge!
-[ roars ] -[ gasps ]
Peter, quick, run.
Get out of here before bear take you away
And raise you as its own.
-I'm not going anywhere until you taste my brunch.
-Shut up and go, stupid boy!
-You'd rather shoot me than spend mother's day
With your favorite son?
Fine!
'scuse me.
Aah!
-[ roars ]
-Oh, my god. This is better than I imagined.
I can't wait to get in there
And see what it's like to be a mom!
Annie, will you shut that thing up?
The moms are judging.
-Either shove that baby back inside or go home!
-I don't think she likes the loud music.
-Move it along! -Sorry.
No outside food or babies under 2 allowed.
Moms are welcome to leave babies unattended in their hot car.
Next.
-I am missing out on mama-con, and it's all your fault!
-Whoopsie-doodle, bitch.
-Mom! Stop!
My eggs. Remember?
-Shake number 2.
-If you're not supposed to shake it, why does it have
Such a stupid shakable face?!
-It looks just like a normal baby, mom.
-Exactly.
-[ crying ]
Well, I guess if I spy on baba
From a distance, that will still count
As us spending mother's day together, right?
Oh, no! I can't spot her anywhere!
I think I'm lost!
Wait. What's that?
Wow!
1, 2, 3...17...56...
99 bottles of beer on the wall.
So this is where that song comes from!
[ chuckles ] -[ sniffs ]
Do I smell an adult mama's boy with unmet needs?
Ooh, hello, dear.
I'm mother marnie.
Why don't you come inside for a nice cold beer?
-Oh! -Make yourself at home, hon.
I'll be just a moment. -[ chuckles ]
[ gasps ]
Those your sons?
Bet you're excited to spend mother's day with them.
-I insist you join us.
-I'd love to spend mother's day with my own mom,
But she wants to be alone and "avoid me today."
-How peculiar.
Oh, I couldn't bear the thought of being away from my boys.
Would you mind if I took your photo to hang up?
Say "beer."
-Beer. [ camera shutter clicks ]
[ grunts, body thuds ]
-There. I think I finally got her to sleep.
I'm gonna go set up her crib upstairs.
It's a tiny coffin.
Don't touch her.
-Yeah, yeah.
I guess you are kind of cute, at least while you're sleeping.
Maybe you just had to get used to me.
I'm more of a mommy than you realize.
In fact, my womb is full right now.
Yes, with insects. -Scanning.
Insecure alcoholic universally disliked.
Correction.
Non-living human with worn-out beetle-infested genitalia.
Correction.
Subhuman cast member of "bad girls club"
Who was too ugly to get camera time.
-You shady little bitch. -What you gonna do?
Shake me?
-Don't shake.
Annie needs her -- -do it.
You know you want to, grandma.
-[ yelling ]
-Shake 3. -Oops.
-Potential maternity terminated.
Commencing operation: Eggs on ice.
Whoopsie-doodle.
-Okay, I've got the white-noise machine on, and --
Oh, my god!
Did you shake her again?!
-She begged me to!
-I was hoping things were getting better between us,
But you act like it's your job to ruin my life.
-Annie, I hate jobs.
I did you a favor.
But if it's really such a big deal to you...
[ grunts ] -what are you doing?
-I'm using my death powers to "magic school bus" myself
Into the baby and turn off the strikes from the inside!
-Mom, no. Wait!
-Death power! -Aah!
Huh?
[ baby beeps ]
-I did it!
Hey, watch this.
"I'm a baby.
I poopy myself."
Oh, wait.
I think I actually did just shit myself.
-There's still three tallies.
That didn't work at all.
Come back out of there.
-Okay. Death powers!
And death powers.
Aw, crap. It's not working.
-What?! Why?!
-Annie, my powers have a truth but no logic,
Like a picasso painting
Or a season of "riverdale."
My guess is, I'm like a husk, and any actual death powers
I have or had [chuckles] are because of the beetles.
-So you're just stuck in there? -Well, on the bright side,
Now you got to take care of me on mother's day.
Is the, uh, booby bar open?
-The new bro is waking up. Look. He's coming out of it.
-Hey. You're marnie's sons.
Your mom's real nice.
I guess I drank too much and passed out.
Whoa! -Easy, now.
Sit and take a breather, brother.
Hey, how about a nice frosty cold one
To put some color back in those cheeks?
-Not really in a popsicle mood, thanks.
Oh, cold one.
You guys really like beer, huh?
-Go on and try a sip.
We brewed it ourselves.
-That's nice. -Note the, um, apricot.
Huh? -Come on, pete.
Try some. -You got to try it, pete.
-I don't really like beer, but okay.
Oh. Tastes like beer.
-Sure does. [ laughter ]
-Aw, pete. -Pete!
-You notice the almond?
Van thought I was a nut to add it.
[ laughter ]
-Oh, bucky.
-Now, pete, I'm sure you've got a lot of questions,
And we're more than happy to answer them.
-Well, just off the top of my head, where's marnie?
And are we in prison down here?
Also, do I taste a little kumquat in that beer?
-Ah, petey, this is gonna be a bitter ale to swallow.
But this here is an eternal fraternity.
A brewhouse of brotherhood.
And there's no way out of here.
From now on, there is only here.
-What?! I can't stay here!
-I felt the same way at first, but now look at me.
Sure, I haven't seen the sun in six years, but --
-Six years?!
Why won't marnie let us out?
-She expresses her love through padlocks
And pretending she's leaving to go on errands,
But she's really just waiting in the driveway
For someone to make a run for it.
-We warned number 11 about that, but he wouldn't listen.
-Honestly, marnie is the best.
I mean, she lets us crash here for free.
-And on fridays, she orders pizza and rents a dvd for us.
-Baba never lets me have pizza.
She says it makes me hyper.
-I think you're gonna have way more fun
Living under marnie's floorboards.
-Plus, we'll teach you how to brew.
You'll be whipping up tasty suds with your pasty buds in no time.
-I mean, when you put it that way,
It sounds like a pretty amazing life!
-Yeah! -He gets it.
-I never imagined my life could be so good.
-Okay, brothers.
But before we proceed,
Could I have a moment alone to pinch myself
So I know this great situation is real and not a dream?
-No problemo, bro.
We'll be in the grow room checking on the hop harvest.
Up top.
-[ gasps ] [ watch beeping ]
[ gasps ]
Come on. Send, send, send! [ buzzer ]
-Jesus, mom!
You really need to get some fiber in your diet.
-That was actually way more solid
Than I expected it to be, right?
[ doorbell rings ] -oh, no!
That's my friends. I forgot they were coming over.
Play along.
I don't want them to know I failed.
You're a baby the government gave me as part
Of a covert operation to stop the human race.
Got it? -Yeah.
Yeah, sure. Government baby.
I can do this. -Hey.
How you guys holding up?
Anyone hit three shakes yet?
-Only two, but it was close.
I haven't slept.
And when we walked past dadology this morning,
She started talking about how much more fun the dads are.
-My mommy can't keep a man.
-Once I told manny I don't want kids
And just want to be a cool aunt, things got much easier.
-This sucks.
If the government's trying to prevent unwanted pregnancies,
Why won't they just make birth control and abortion free
And available to all?
Right, guys?
-Pbht! Good luck with that.
Wait. What are you guys looking at?
-Oh, my god, annie!
Your baby has three strikes.
Even my shitty-ass baby doesn't have three strikes.
-Danger! Danger!
-See you later, annie.
-Good luck, annie. -Baba.
We weren't expecting you back so soon.
-Eh, day was bust.
Peter's surprise scare away bear.
Oh, no.
Annie, very sorry, but baby resemble trophy.
Will probably grow up to be jezebel bimbo like trophy, too.
Eh! Horrible shame.
-Baba, it is me.
I put myself into annie's government-assigned real baby
Because -- -yeah, I no care.
Peter! -He hasn't been back
Since he left to bring you a picnic in the woods.
-Push memory down, baba.
Keep traumatic memory in stomach,
Pinned below rocky balboa eggs. [ breathes deeply ]
-Son in danger!
Repeat -- son in danger!
Sending coordinates. -[ gasps ] come!
We must save him now! -Ugh! Really?
It's just these baby arms are so short.
[ whining ] -no!
As mother's day gift to baba, we all go save peter as family.
-Good job, pete!
Now I'm gonna teach you the differences
Between flaked and malted oats.
-Wow! Oats got malted now?
Awesomeness!
Come on, baba.
-Pete better be eaten at least from the waist down
If he's making us drive this far.
-Shut baby hole! According to son finder,
He should be right about here. [ tires screech ]
Look like "hansel and gretel" cottage,
But of adult-boy kidnapper.
-Let me take the reins on this one, gang.
Annie, grab baba's gun and hide it in your pants.
-What?
-I need you to "yes, and" me on this, annie.
-Here's the last of it, boys. [ men grunt ]
How's that chicago-style beer coming?
-Oh, it's thick! -And zero traces of ketchup.
[ knocking on door ] -ugh!
[ knocking continues ]
Ah. Can I...Help you?
-Hi. Sorry to bother you,
But do you happen to have a tampon for my mom?
She just got her period,
And we're worried it'll attract bears.
-Sorry, dear.
I haven't had a need for those for many years now, I'm afraid.
Take care.
-Maybe she could use your bathroom
To macgyver something together and clean herself up,
Because it's looking and smelling
Like texas chili down -- ow!
-Please, mother to mother.
I just need a minute, and then we'll be off to resume
Celebrating mother's day in the middle of the remote woods.
-[ sighs ] fine. It's back and to the left.
But I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to be brief.
I have my own mother's day plans to attend to.
-Uh, lovely home.
Very creative to make all from bottle.
You live here by self? -Yeah.
Me, myself, and I. -Oh. I envious.
Hmm.
I bet it not often you get a visitor.
-Nope. Hardly ever.
Just my sons.
The cabin is pretty hard to find,
If you don't know where to look.
-These your son? -Yes, my pride and boys.
#boymom. -[ gasps ] peter!
-[ whistles ] [ gun cocks ]
-Drop it. I'm holding a gun,
And I am definitely comfortable with that concept.
-I knew one day, a nosy mama bear
Would come looking for her pathetic little cub.
-Where my peter? -Now he's my peter.
You'll never see him again.
-Oh, yeah?
-Activating marco polo mode.
Marco. -[ muffled ] polo.
-They're under the floorboards.
Oh, god, she killed them!
-Or they're in the creepy basement.
That smells delicious!
-You'll never get my boys or my home microbrewery!
[ grunts, chuckles ] -[ gasps ]
-Get away from my daughter, witch!
-Aaaaah!
You ugly little bitch!
-Let go of my mother!
-Use maternal instinct to defeat predator.
-Booby! -Yeah, right.
I mean, annie!
-Huh?
-Aah!
-[ gasps ] way to go, guys.
Mom! Are you okay?
-Ugh, her leg tasted like eczema lotion.
-Peter!
[ siren wails ]
-Please, don't leave!
Don't abandon me!
-Don't worry, marnie. We'll stay right here.
-You guys know you literally can't stay here, right?
-What? That's official? -Come on!
-Well, that's stupid. -No fair.
-Well, gang, I guess this is goodbye.
-No way, brother.
You know what? We could all move in together.
Yeah, find a clutch two-bedroom in downtown fort gator.
We all sleep in one room and use the other
For a little home-brew setup.
You down?
-Let me, uh, think about it.
-[ grunting ]
Can one of you big boys crack this for me?
To the weekend, right?
-Aww! -Oh, yeah.
-If you take even one sip, I'm putting you in baby jail.
-Damn! Couldn't resist shaking it, could you?
-It's complicated.
But how'd you know about the three-shake rule?
-I used to be a tech for real kid.
It was good, honest union work deterring young folks
From becoming moms.
We also provided sentient anti-loneliness teddy bears
To the elderly.
Marnie -- she ordered one,
And I came here to do the in-home setup.
And she made sure I never left.
I miss her.
-Is there any way you can undo the strikes?
None of them were even my fault. -Let me take a look.
I can try rebooting it to the factory settings.
Wow.
-Would you look at that, bucky.
-Babies having babies.
-This is the world marnie tried to protect us from.
-Okay, if you thought that was a normal mother's day,
You might be a redneck.
[ laughter ] right?
-Annie fantasy?
I'm following the tracker on real kid number 82791.
Here to collect. -Sure thing.
Here you go. She's been a real angel.
-Zero shakes? Very impressive.
If you so choose, you will make a great teen mom.
-Some people just aren't cut out to be teen mothers.
-Don't I know it. Sterilized 12 today.
-Glad I'm not lucky 13. Up top.
-Best mother's day ever, baba.
Brunch with all your kids.
-Right.
All my kids. Hm.
♪♪
-[ grunts, groaning ]
-[ growling ]
♪♪
-♪ baby, baby, baby bitch ♪
♪ go conquer someone else ♪
♪ people say, "how beautiful, how sweet, how kind." ♪
♪ you're perfect, you've got nothing to hide ♪
♪ but I, for one, have seen the sun ♪
♪ and the bitch that you've locked up inside ♪