Downloaded from YTS.BZ
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ
[captivating instrumental music playing]
[music continues]
[loud growl]
[man 1] Gunther, Bola,
thank you for joining us here in our bubble.
As the producer on this movie, here's what I expect from you.
-Actors are animals. -[woman scoffs]
You are animal handlers.
Sometimes, they wanna play with you. Sometimes, they'll rip your balls off.
Don't listen to anything they say. They're liars.
They literally lie for a living. That's their literal job, yeah?
Don't party with them.
Don't tire them out.
Don't fuck them.
I won't.
Always tell them they're fantastic in the movie.
They're very insecure people. They need constant praise.
Make them feel good. Don't tire them out. Don't fuck them.
Don't fuck them.
-[man 1] That's it. -That's it.
Any questions?
Um… Yeah, like, what if we become proper friends?
-You won't. -[man 2] No?
No.
What if they confide in you
and tell you something they've not told anybody else?
Call me, tell me what they said.
-What if they say, "Don't tell Gavin"? -[Gavin] No!
-No. -This is the bubble.
The sanctuary!
It's the only place they're safe! That's why you're not wearing masks.
Don't you get it?
-[woman] Hi! -Hey! [laughs]
-[woman laughing] How are you? -So good to see you!
-Uh… -Oh…
-Well, imagine… -[woman] Okay, yes.
-Fake hug. -[man] Oh, wow. You look fantastic!
[woman] Thanks. Been exercising a lot. It's the only thing keeping me sane.
Well, you look sane and gorgeous, and, uh…
-What do you think about Cliff Beasts 6? -I can't leave my boyfriend right now.
He is very neurotic, and this whole time is just very triggering for him.
Huh. Okay. What if you brought him?
-He won't travel. -Because of the pandemic?
No, he just won't fly. He also refuses to get a job.
I have a lot of clients working in bubbles right now, and they're having a blast.
It won't be comfortable working with them.
They hate me for not doing Cliff Beasts 5. I can't bubble with them for three months.
I'm gonna level with you.
You need a rebound after your last film, Jerusalem Rising.
-Mm-hmm. -You saw the reviews.
-I never read my reviews. -Hang on a sec.
-Can you not read those? -Just listen, okay?
"Jerusalem Rising manages to offend both Palestinians and Jews."
That's one review. And it was the script. It wasn't my fault.
When Cats bombed, they didn't blame Andrew Lloyd Webber.
They just said, "Judi Dench fucked Cats."
Okay, but you were the one who told me
I could play half-Israeli and half-Palestinian when I'm neither.
[in ambiguous accent] I know you've been fighting for thousands of years,
but tonight, we must join forces to fight the aliens.
[in normal accent] Is my career dead?
Not if you make this movie.
And it's safe?
The safest place in the world right now is a film set.
The script is actually good?
It made me cry.
[instrumental music playing on speakers]
Oh, you're making the face like you're gonna say yes.
Oh, my God, Josh is gonna have a full nervous breakdown.
I can do this, right?
I'll keep my head down, not get pulled into the drama,
and just do my job and get out.
All right. Okay, let's do it. Yeah, put me in the bubble.
[pleasant music playing]
[cell phone ringing]
-[Carol] Hi! -[man 2] Carol. What's up, movie star?
This is so crazy. You sure you're gonna be okay?
Yeah, I mean, I guess I'm just worried about catching the virus, but…
Well, just call me regularly.
Actually, I just heard that veterinarians are gonna start treating people,
so that'll help.
Yeah, and it's only three months. Three months! We can do this!
Oh, wait! Somebody wants to say hi!
Okay.
Look who it is!
I miss you so much, Mommy.
Aw. I'm not your mommy yet, Leila,
but I will be your stepmom one day. It'll be the best!
-Daddy said you left us for dead. -Oh, what?
-[laughs] Don't forget about us! Bye! -Bye!
-[Carol] Hey! Nice to meet you! -Hiya! I'm Pippa, production coordinator.
Oh. Shall we? [chuckles] Welcome to Clifton House.
-[Carol] This is amazing. -[Pippa] I know, right?
-Carol, we're so excited you're here! -[Carol] I'm so excited to get started!
-[Gavin] Wow! You look great. -[Carol] Oh, thank you.
-Now, you just have to do a COVID test. -[Carol] Okay.
-[Gunther] I'm such a big fan. -[Carol] Thank you. [chuckles]
[Gunther] And in your nose. Okay.
-[Carol] Mm. -[Gunther] Ready? One hundred.
Ninety-nine.
-Ninety-eight. -Uh…
-I'm only joking. -Oh!
-[chuckling] Oh, my God! You're the worst! -[Gunther] See you in a bit. Bye, friend.
[Carol] Bye. Whoo! Yeah.
Um, so how does the quarantining work?
It's a quick 14 days. We pamper you.
Wait till you see what we've done to your room.
-[Pippa] You have the best room by far. -[Carol] I love that.
-Ah! Bola! -[Bola] Hello.
This is Bola, our wellness specialist. Bola, how would you describe yourself?
Uh, well, due to safety, we don't have a lot of staff, so I get to do everything.
Which means if you need a personal trainer, Bola.
If you need a yoga teacher, Bola.
If you need a ping-pong opponent, Bola. If you need a masseuse?
-[Carol] Bola! -[Bola] That's it, baby girl.
[man] We allowed to smoke weed in the room? I forgot to bring my edibles.
[Carol] Oh, my God! Howie, how are you?
-[Howie] Carol, come here, my love! -[man 1] Stop! That's it. Stop it!
-[man 2] Off you go. -[Howie] What the fuck is going on?
-Brother, help me! -[Carol] Howie?
Give it two weeks, and you'll have all the hugs you need.
[enchanting music playing]
[Bola] Reception area.
[Carol sighs] Now, this is beautiful.
[Bola] Of course! Top of the line for top-of-the-line talent.
[Carol chuckles]
[Bola] There you are.
[Carol gasps] This is nice!
[Bola] Good. See you in two weeks.
-[Carol] Oh. -[door locks]
[dramatic orchestral music playing]
-[vibrator buzzing] -[Carol moaning]
[cheers and applause on TV]
She loves you! And you're the prime minister!
[panting]
[screams]
[grunts angrily]
Am I your bitch now?
That's what you get for fucking with her mission!
[grunting]
[groans] This is too much for anyone to take!
[screaming and crying]
[rhythmic knock on door, door opens]
Hey, Carol Cobb.
Your quarantine is over. [chuckles]
Uh, the cocktail party starts in one hour, okay?
[sniffs]
Please shower before you come.
It stinks in here.
-Jesus Christ. -[door closes]
["You Know I'm No Good" by Amy Winehouse playing]
-[indistinct chatter] -♪ Meet you downstairs ♪
♪ In the bar and hurt ♪
♪ Your rolled-up sleeves And your skull T-shirt ♪
♪ You say… ♪
-This is so exciting. -[man] Hmm.
It's like my movie posters have come to life.
Yeah, you will soon learn to hate these people.
You abandoned us.
I am mad at you. Back away.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
-Are you? -[Carol] I am.
I should have done the movie. I shouldn't have bailed.
I'm an idiot.
I missed you so much. I did.
-You did? -Yeah.
Sorry. Had to get that off my chest.
Yeah, give it to me. [chuckles]
And I really liked you in Jerusalem Rising.
-[woman] Yeah. -Really?
That means so much coming from you.
And I think that all of the critics around the world are wrong.
Oh, not everyone.
Four percent on Rotten Tomatoes. [scoffs]
It doesn't really go lower.
So I need cool, documentary-style footage.
If the actors ask for air, give them air, but then strike and get what we need.
I want you to be a fly on the wall,
but also up their arse.
-Now, fuck off, Lee. -My name is Scott, actually.
-I don't care. -Okay.
You a big Cliff Beasts fan?
No, but I saw the trailer for the second one. It was so cool!
-Oh. -[Scott] Hey!
Hi, y'all!
Excited for Cliff Beasts?
[whispers] Is this the movie?
[Scott hesitates] What?
Are we shooting right now?
No, it's just behind-the-scenes stuff.
Just say, like, a sentence about why you're excited?
I'm sorry. You're gonna have to talk to my mom if you wanna talk to me.
Oh, all right.
-It's nice meeting you. -Okay, you too.
-[woman] Dieter! Hi! -Hi.
Lauren. Um…
I just wanted to tell you how incredible you were in Hunger Strike.
Your performance was…
I mean, I think about it all the time. Just fearless and a total triumph.
Um… Congratulations.
I don't watch my own shit. Never watch your own shit.
You just wipe, you flush, and you move on.
Right. Well, anyway, I just wanted to let you know that it really stuck with me,
and it was very powerful. Just…
Yeah. Where's your husband?
My husband? We got divorced.
Of course.
Mm-hmm. Uh--
[Dieter] I'm sorry.
No worries. It's… We're fine.
We are, uh… totally fine.
We have gone through a lot, and we are coming out on the other side.
Right.
Our main priority is our 16-year-old son,
who we just adopted right before the divorce.
Listen, I'm sorry, I'm trying to care, but it's hard.
Gunther, I like you.
Really? I like you too. I think you're… Okay, 'cause…
That feels amazing,
'cause we got told we weren't allowed to be friends with the cast.
Who said that?
I don't wanna be a person that's like, "It was Gavin," but, yeah.
Know how I feel about that?
-Fuck you, Gavin! -Do you?
Suck your mum, Gavin! Say it from your chest.
What? [mumbles] Fuck you, Gavin!
I need to be real with you. I don't understand these bullshit rules.
Been in my room two weeks. I ain't had human contact.
It's important for my mental and physical health
to have human contact with friends.
-We're friends! -Completely.
-What will happen if I touch you? Huh? -We could die.
Yeah, completely. It's kind of the situation.
-Yeah. -Boop!
-Um-- -Did we die? Are you dead?
You've just got to understand that my job, as a health officer,
is to make sure that everything that we're doing is as safe as possible.
All the best, Gunther.
["You're Pouring Water On a Drowning Man" playing]
-Um, my dad does stunts. -Hi.
Um, I'm lonely, and I'm in hell here,
and I would like to form an alliance with you.
[hesitates] Okay, yeah, sure.
All right, okay.
It was hard doing the last one without you.
Uh, yeah, I'm sorry. I got really bad advice from my reps
and was also having some, ahem, emotional issues.
That's where you were on your journey, and it brought you right back here.
-[Carol] Exactly. -It's all good.
-I heard you were starting a religion. -No, it's a… [chuckles nervously]
It's a lifestyle brand slash motivational system
called Harmony Ignite.
Wow. And you wrote a whole Bible.
Well, I wrote a book. A book called Harmony Ignited.
And, uh, it's just a collection of my thoughts and musings
and some sayings and wisdom and proverbs. That's it, yeah.
It's not a religion, per se. You can leave anytime that you want to.
-It's not, like, a cult. -No, it's definitely not a cult.
I mean, who defines what a cult is?
-Yeah. -Okay.
You know what? I'm gonna be really straightforward with you right now
and let you know that we are co-parents to Raphael, and that is it.
That's true.
So what happened on parts one and three and four is not happening again.
What about what we did on part two?
You have no respect for me.
I have nothing but respect for you.
Stop.
-Stop it. -Stop.
I would appreciate if you didn't look at me like that.
-Where should I look? -I can't look at you.
-I'm still here though. -[sighs]
I know you.
-God. Hi. -[laughs]
-How are you doing? Sorry to scare you. -Don't worry.
I am so excited that you are here.
Oh, yeah. No, I'm so excited.
Gotta tell you, I love the TikTok stuff.
You are crushing it. Absolutely crushing it.
I mean, clearly. 120 million followers. You are unbelievable.
I love the one where you and your cat lip-synch to Harry Potter.
I can't believe you've seen all that.
[laughs] It's fantastic!
Hey, maybe you and I can do one together while we're here.
-Oh, yeah, maybe. -Yeah.
-What's your name? -Carla.
Nice to meet you. You got great energy about you.
Gavs!
Who is that?
One of the actors. He's not that good though.
-[piano music playing] -May I refresh your water?
Yeah, please.
Thanks.
Why you look at me with weird eyes? [chuckles]
[Dieter sighs]
-Jesus fucking Christ. -Wow.
-[man] Hey! -[woman] Hey!
-[Gavin] Okay. -Hit us with it, Gav.
Welcome! I'm gonna introduce somebody now who is…
He's special.
He's funny.
He's extremely intelligent.
And he's a…
He's a visionary.
He shot a brilliant movie called Tiles of Love
while working at Home Depot.
-Our director… Darren Eigen! -[cheering]
-[whistling] Whoo! -Thank you! Thanks, you guys. Uh…
I just wanna say
I am so lucky to be able to work with a cast this talented.
This is your car,
and I'm gonna step in and take the wheel.
This drive is gonna be a little crazy.
Gonna head towards the railing a couple of times. Might hit it.
Some of you might not even survive.
But I've got the end of the road in my sight.
Might be a crazy ride,
but it's gonna look great,
and it's gonna make the world forget all their problems.
So,
let's go for a ride.
We're fucked.
["Boss Bitch" by Doja Cat playing]
Are you sure it's safe?
Just don't put your hands too close to your face.
-[squawking] -[nervously] Oh, shit. Aah!
No! No! No!
-[Darren] Grab. Nice. Right arm. Block. -[grunting]
Move around. Good. Let me hear the rage. Aah. Spins around, kick. Great.
[trainer] Get him, boy. Get him!
-[screaming] -[dog growling and snarling]
Heart shot! Yeah!
Dick shot!
[trainer] Over.
Pow.
[Howie] Oi! And roll.
-[grunts] -[exclaims]
[both grunting]
[mimics choking]
[yells]
[trainer] Rusty, come! Come on, boy!
Can you train him to peck off Dustin's balls?
[laughing]
I'm just kidding.
But can you? [laughing]
♪ Said bitch, I'm the after You been the before ♪
♪ I been the stallion You been the seahorse ♪
♪ Don't need a report Don't need a press run ♪
♪ All of my bad pics Been all my best ones ♪
♪ I wear the hat And I wear the pants ♪
♪ I am advanced I get advance ♪
♪ And I do my dance And cancel the plans ♪
♪ Boo, don't be mad 'Cause you had the chance ♪
♪ Drop, said I took it and I ran for it I won it, then I stand on it ♪
♪ Money on the floor when we dance on it Shine bright, let them put a tan on it ♪
♪ Said I took it and I ran for it I won it, then I stand on it ♪
♪ Money on the floor When we dance on it ♪
♪ Shine bright Let them put a tan on it like ♪
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a boss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch and a boss I'mma shine like gloss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a boss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch and a boss I'mma shine like gloss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a boss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch and a boss I'mma shine like gloss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a boss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch and a boss I'mma shine like gloss ♪
Gavin, how are you?
Hi! [chuckles] How are you doing?
Oh, good. I just wanted to say, uh, good luck,
and we love you, and we're counting on you.
I know. I'm on it.
You are such a hero for keeping the lights on at the studio.
This lockdown has been so hard on all of us.
But you're skiing?
Yeah, well, this was the only country that was open. Thank God I got my shot.
[chuckles] Did you? I thought they weren't available for six months.
Oh, they're not. Not for normal people, but I'm with rich people.
Don't hate the player, hate the game. Ugh! I hate the game.
Anyway, have a great shoot.
I love you. I'm in love with you.
And do not fuck me!
So the thing about Harmony Ignite is it's about dreams.
It's about how you go about fulfilling your dreams.
I'm not really looking for a new religion.
I'm Hindu. Many gods, very busy.
-I have a question for you, man. -Mm-hmm.
-What's your dream? -My dream?
Your dream. I wanna hear it.
This won't be the last pandemic. We all know that.
-Absolutely. -We still need to have sex.
My brother, a software engineer in India, has invented a glove.
It's like a hand that you can wrap around you
or put inside you, anally.
Then somewhere, in a different city, somebody else has the hand,
and then they do things to the hand that you feel on you or inside you.
You're safe. It's sanitary ecstasy. You'll be wearing virtual reality goggles,
so you can have sex anywhere in the world with anyone.
Well, thank you for coming to pick up my tray. Appreciate it.
Oh, no. Sure, yeah. Uh…
This was…
If you get lonely…
[whimsical music playing]
Anika.
Hi.
I was wondering if you could help.
With what?
You wanna have sex with me?
Yes, I do!
-[thumps desk] -Amazing.
Not now.
When?
When I get to know you, because I like you.
-Great. -Then I would like you to meet my father.
And if you get his permission, you will sign a lifelong agreement
because I am a pure angel,
and you won't come across someone like me again.
[pleasant music playing]
[Gunther] Okay, hi, guys!
Yeah, let's talk about zones for a moment. Uh, there are three main ones, okay?
There's Red Zone. That's the best zone. That's the actors, okay?
Then there's Blue Zone. That's for crew.
Then there's Yellow Zone for office staff. We don't need to worry about that.
Um, a lot of you have been asking about flirting.
Yes, it happens. Um, physical touch is, of course, off the table.
Um, so what I would recommend is making sweet eyes at each other.
Um, if you're wondering what that looks like, that'd be…
[chuckles softly] Mm.
[chuckling] Wha…
Oh.
Mm.
Are there any questions?
Amazing! Let's have some fun.
[heroic instrumental music playing]
[man 1] So, uh, Gio, this is your first expedition up Mount Everest?
[in ambiguous accent] Yes, but, uh, it is not news to me
that Modelcorp is lucky to have hired all of you
to make sure all the creatures of this land are respected
and honored.
[man 2] It's not a creature.
What we hear from the locals, we may be dealing with a cliff beast.
Climate change has melted the whole top of the mountain.
It's a burnt wasteland.
The beast must have come out of the melted permafrost.
[cliff beast growling]
[suspenseful music playing]
Global warming, my ass! Who did this?
Uh, man.
And wo-man.
One thing I've learned growing up in the mossy savannas of Alabama
is if you've seen one June bug,
there's more than likely 500 more waiting in the wings.
-We've seen this before. -Five times is what I have heard.
[distant growling]
Why are we going towards the dinosaurs? That's where the danger is!
-[squealing in distance] -[gasps]
Oh, no. That sounds like a baby crying for its mama.
[man screaming]
That ain't no baby!
[intense music playing]
My God, what are we gonna do?
[man screaming]
[all screaming]
Somebody help him!
[man 1] Drop him!
[loud growling]
Hang in there!
How does he fly? He has no feathers!
Well, somebody taught him how to fly!
[man 2] Please stop!
It's okay. I got him!
[both yelling]
-[music stops] -[all yelling]
[Darren] All right, cut!
-Great work. -[bell ringing]
-That was a great take. -Moving on.
-Oh, um, Sean? -Yeah?
Did you have a chance to read the screenplay I sent you?
Oh. They're bringing me down. I'm sorry, buddy.
-Oh, I can still hear you. -[Sean] One second. Getting unplugged.
Darren, one note before we move on?
I don't get when Dolly says, "Somebody taught him how to fly."
They're cliff beasts. It's in their DNA. That's what they do. They fly.
You can't rewrite my lines. You're not the writer.
But it goes against dinosaur logic.
Why are you rewriting the script? We have a writer. Aren't you an actor?
Yes, but I'm also the guardian of the franchise.
-So I'm rewriting it. -We have somebody.
Can we play to the top of our audience's intelligence?
No, our audience is down here. They're kids. That's our audience.
Don't listen to him. He doesn't want me to have the big crowd-applause line.
Lauren, all of your lines will be big applause lines
if movie theaters ever open again.
Carol hates the writing too.
What? Carol?
Lauren, that was private!
Plus, I also didn't say it.
That is exactly why I asked them not to bring you back after you bailed.
-I didn't bail. Am I getting coffee? -[man] Mm-hmm.
-He doesn't know what he's doing. -What are you doing?
Covering your mic so people can't hear us.
I know. I do feel like my dialogue is a little lackluster.
So let me fix it. Let me punch it up.
-Can you do that? -I can punch it up.
Let me take care of you.
How are you gonna take care of me?
Well, I'm gonna start dialogue-wise,
and then, you know, move on from there, I guess?
-You're gonna… punch me up? -Oh, yeah.
[laughs whimsically]
Guys, if you make any changes to the script, can you just cc me on it?
At least?
[softly] "Guardian of the franchise"? Assholes. I won Sundance!
-What's the point of us being up here? -Eyelines. So they know where to look.
Pretty cool.
[grunts]
[piano playing]
♪ Why do birds suddenly appear ♪
♪ Every time you are near? ♪
♪ Just like me ♪
♪ They long to be ♪
♪ Close to you… ♪
And you and you.
[humming]
-What's this? [laughs] -What's the next bit?
Hey, guys. Just listen up for a second.
Um…
We have had a situation on set
that means we're going to shut down production
and go back into quarantine.
[laughter]
That's not even funny.
Screw you, Gavin. That's hilarious, man.
I wish I was joking, but I'm not. You all have to go back to your rooms.
No!
We had a positive test on set,
and although I am forbidden from telling you who it was,
let's just say it's the girl who gets your coffees.
Um, her name's Wendy.
That creepy PA?
Yeah, production were trying to be safe by sending one person to get the coffees,
when in fact that led to Wendy touching about 80 coffee cups this morning.
We're gonna die.
-No, we're not gonna die! Howie. -[actors clamoring]
Is this how it always goes?
No, this is a shit show.
-Guys, calm down! -Oi!
[emotionally] I am a mother, so I have to go!
Or I need a larger room.
If I could just switch rooms with Howie,
because he has the tub, and I have only a shower!
[Howie] Yeah, but in Pakistan, you ain't shit!
Okay, guys, listen, okay? I have had the virus three times, okay?
And the first time, I didn't even notice it.
Second time, was in a coma.
The third time, I lost my sense of sort of taste and smell
and how I felt about people.
Trust me, that is something that you want to avoid.
I think he's still sick.
I can't wear rings anymore
because my fingers change size every single day.
I can't do this, man. I can't stay in my room any longer on my own.
If you make me, I'll fuck my chair!
No. Look, guys, we're here for you.
So don't worry. Once you're all back in your rooms,
we're gonna take great care of you.
You have to go into your room too.
-Why? -You had a latte.
-Oh, fuck! -I know.
So how are you feeling about the new quarantine?
-[people clamoring] -Really? Really?
-Sorry, when would be a good time-- -Never.
-Fuck off! -Perfect.
It's ten seconds and we're done. Are you ready?
Yeah, let's go. Let's go.
-["Might bang, Might not" playing] -[yells]
Fuck you! Fuck you, you fucking bastard!
I'm gonna kill you, and then I'm gonna murder your ghost!
That was not too bad.
You okay?
♪ …and give you my space Know that that shit's not to waste, yo ♪
♪ Still better know your place, yo ♪
♪ I ain't slept good in days, yo… ♪
-I'm sorry. -I'll wait.
-That's a little too deep. -[Gunther] It's better that way. I think…
-Are you… Excuse me, are you all right? -[Gunther] Yes. Yeah, yeah.
♪ You ain't seen no one like me since Lauryn Hill back in the '90s, bitch ♪
♪ Feeling myself… ♪
[humming]
♪ The olders make way For the '90s kid ♪
♪ Please don't kill my high, I been… ♪
Fuck you! You're not gonna win! I am gonna win, you motherfucker!
"How many species have died because of man? Thousands!"
"I think it's snack time. For them."
[in ambiguous accent] "These cliff beasts are so large! How do they fly?"
"How? How?"
"How do they fly?"
"There's nothing left to eat but us."
[inhales sharply]
"These cliff beasts are so large!"
Sound idea for a cliff beast. Here's beast one.
[growling]
Swooping down.
[high-pitched screeching]
Mating.
[grunting and moaning]
Mourning the loss of a child.
[whimpering purr]
Full rage.
[loud roaring]
Mother, I can't do 13 more days of this!
I've already been doing this for 12 hours. It's too much!
Hey, guys, it's Krystal.
Um, I'm back in quarantine in my room.
I'm gonna need a lot of movie suggestions,
but I wanna watch more, like, dark stuff.
Everyone told me to watch this movie, E.T.? Felt a little racist.
I don't wanna watch anything that'd offend my fans.
I have respect for everybody that follows me.
Sean, you are not in competition with Krystal.
You are not aging. You don't need 100 million followers.
I am titanium!
I am invincible! Age is an illusion!
Time cannot catch me! Never die!
["Pardon My Freedom" by !!! playing]
♪ Like I give a fuck Like I give a shit about that fuck ♪
♪ Like I give a fuck about that… ♪
[Howie] I need weed immediately! Buy a drone.
Attach my marijuana to the drone. Fly that shit through my fucking window!
"I just want a safe place for the dinosaurs to live!"
[Dieter yells]
[giggles]
[crying]
[manic laughter]
-[both chuckle] -[pleasant music playing]
I really couldn't do this without you.
I probably could do it without you, but that's just because I'm used to it.
This is the first time I've left Indiana.
So did you, like, audition for the movie or what?
I think they just jammed me in this movie because I have a lot of followers.
Must be fun having 100 million followers.
Sometimes I just want a break,
but my mom just tells me if I don't keep putting out content,
then everybody's just gonna forget about me, so…
I can help you if you want.
You know, I've never had a normal friend.
No one's ever called me normal before.
[laughing]
Why are you laughing?
You're such a freak.
[Sean] Whoo! I'm doing it, son!
[laughs boisterously]
This is awesome!
Gavin, buddy, can you hear me?
Yeah.
This is all I'm doing? I'm just going up?
You're only allowed to learn how to go up.
That's all we need for the shot in the movie.
[Sean] If I can go forward just even a little bit,
my fans, they will shit their dicks.
Gavin, is this safe? Why is he doing this?
He wouldn't do the movie unless we let him do this.
How exciting is it to direct a movie with a $100 million budget?
It's a lot of pressure.
Well, it would be a lot of pressure if the cast wasn't so brilliant.
See you later, buddy.
Are you worried people won't watch a movie about dinosaurs,
given the serious nature of the global pandemic?
Hey, are you being a fly on the wall?
You're a pretty noisy fucking fly! I can hardly hear the helicopter!
Sorry, just doing my job.
What job is that? Trying to get in my fucking head?
Like he wants me to fail!
Don't let him mess with your focus. Everybody wants you to fail.
Don't give a fuck about him.
What?
-Where's Ronjon? -You asked for a tray table to be removed.
I said send Ronjon.
You wanted sex, but you will get love.
Hold on.
[slow instrumental music playing]
Isn't that nice?
You don't know me!
[playing a pleasant tune]
Am I a great director?
Yes, of course you are.
You have a vision.
-Yeah, I think I do. -Yeah.
So what do I do when Dustin keeps trying to rewrite the script?
When he tells you his ideas, tell him you'll think about them,
and then never get back to him.
You do that to me.
No, with you, I'm actually thinking.
[laughing]
I'm just playing around.
Making movies is fun!
That's why we do it!
I'm sorry I skipped your mom's funeral to go to the People's Choice Awards.
I'm sorry that I
burned down your back office.
I'm sorry I slept with your agent.
-Sorry that-- -And your manager.
And your divorce lawyer.
-Yeah. -Uh…
I'm sorry I gave up on us.
[sighs] Why is it always so hard?
[sighs] I think 'cause you're so strong. You're so intimidating. So talented.
Hmm.
I feel like nobody would be able to fix the script the way you do
and stay in such incredible shape.
And you
are an amazing mother.
-[whimsical music playing] -[gasps softly]
-Take me to the peak! -We are on a mountain!
[Lauren] Mount Everest! [laughing]
-Ooh. I think I see one of the crew. -Oh, shit. Get…
Uh, so how is the major motion picture going?
It's fine. Everybody's just old.
Is there somebody cute there?
-[chuckling] -Who you maybe wanna smooch with?
Don't be gross, Mom! God!
Is Timmy-thee Oilyphant there? Oh.
-No! -I could…
Why are you saying it like that? That's not his name!
But I wish he was here. I do. He's very cute.
Oh. Are you nervous to meet the dinosaurs during your act?
Mom, they're not real!
They, like… They put them in after.
I thought there was an elephant wearing a mask or something.
I wish you were here. I'm so lonely.
Aww! [squealing]
[chuckles]
[thudding overhead]
-[chandelier tinkling] -[moans softly]
[heavy thud]
[sighs]
Come on! [huffs]
[whimsical music playing]
[thudding continues]
-Oh! Jesus! [grunts] -You okay?
-I'm fine! -Let me check.
-Hey, whoa, social distancing. -Sorry.
Why are you kicking balls around?
Uh, I'm with my squad. We're just bubbling before the big game.
-A game? What kind of a game? -Football.
Soccer. I play for Betis.
Oh. I didn't realize anybody else was in this hotel.
Well, we are.
Well, I'm bubbling too. I'm an actress, and we're making a movie.
I know you.
Cliff Beasts.
Dr. Lacie.
Yes, that's me, Dr. Lacie.
You're in Jerusalem Rising too, right?
-Yes. -I have to ask.
Are you half-Palestinian, half-Israeli?
Actually, I'm not either.
Great acting.
Ah! That's so good to hear. So many people got mad at me.
Everyone was offended. I was like, "I'm just trying to create a piece of art
that might help solve the issues."
Peace.
Well, Lacie, would you like to, uh, go to my room right now and just talk for a bit?
-I'd like to talk. -Yeah, me too.
I feel like I haven't talked in a very long time.
I'm a lot of fun to talk to.
I've just been talking to myself lately.
If I don't talk to you, I think I'm going to explode.
But I don't think we're allowed to cross bubbles.
No, we wouldn't be crossing bubbles.
We'd be making a new bubble.
Then we're just inside each other's bubbles.
[exhales]
No. No, no, no. No, we can't. Stop it. Stop it.
Goodbye, Dr. Lacie.
[meditation music playing]
-[Bola] Hello, friends. Good morning. -[exhales]
Thank you all for joining our morning meditation.
This is our opportunity to breathe, let go of our troubles, and recharge.
Yeah.
[Bola] I want you to close your eyes.
-Let the air fill your lungs… -[inhales]
…and release the fear of catching the virus.
And release the fear of the movie industry collapsing,
leaving all of you penniless.
Why you saying that?
Breathe in, and breathe out that fear
that the world is soon going to realize
you people are not that special.
One might say useless.
-Excuse me, Bola. -[Bola] Yeah?
I can't take this. I can't take this shit no more, please.
Don't judge your thoughts. Observe them!
I can't observe them. This is more than I can take. Yeah, I'm in pain.
And I'm bored. Bored as fuck in this hotel!
I need out of the hotel right now!
Howie, let me tell you about Harmony Ignite.
Sean, do us a favor?
-Yeah. -Harmony Ignite your asshole!
-Howie! -Howie, easy!
You can't leave. You're the comic relief of the movie.
Fuck you, you fucker! How's that for witty comic relief? Huh?
[Sean] Howie.
I don't even know why you're complaining. It's not that bad being here.
Why you talking to me? Your dances pave the way to the hellfire.
-[Dustin] Howie. -[Carol] Oh, my God.
Emotions are like a wave. You just gotta ride 'em.
-Like a wave? -Let it pass.
-Let me show you a wave. -Oh, my God! Howie!
-Howie! -[Darren] Let go.
Are you riding the wave? How's this wave for you?
-Howie, you're hurting him. -I've got his dick in my hand! His lulli!
Let go of his lulli.
Howie, release! Release!
I'll rip his lulli off if you keep pushing me!
Don't push me! That's enough. I'm gone from here.
Sick of this place! What kind of devilish business going on in here?
Hey, hey, hey! What's going on here?
I'll tell you what. I'm leaving!
Howie, you are not leaving. We are in the middle of shooting!
I don't give a shit. You can replace me.
That's not true! No one can play Jarrar but you.
You're irreplaceable!
Anybody could play Jarrar! Should I tell you why? Batman!
-Batman? -He was Michael Keaton, yeah?
Then he was Val Kilmer.
Then George Clooney, but he brought too much sex to the role!
They got rid of him, brought in Ben Affleck, Christian Bale,
now he's that skinny bastard from Twilight.
Not within the same movie!
Zip! Gavin, everybody is replaceable.
This is a very judgmental business. You leave, you'll be blackballed.
Thank you for your concern, but I am gone!
And you can fuck off!
[actors] Howie!
Howie, your weed turned up this morning!
-Howie! -Howie, where are you going?
-I'm going to London! -Send help!
-[Lauren] We need you! -[Sean] What are you doing?
-Howie! Come on! -[Carol] Howie!
-[Bola] That was pretty good. -[Carol] He's okay.
Howie Frangopolous! Come back!
[Howie] ♪ Finally, escaped to freedom! ♪
Tah, tah, tah!
That is not London. He is going the wrong way.
Goodbye, Howie!
Goodbye!
Um… What is going on?
Oh. A little bit of extra protection for you. A little bit of security.
Don't worry! We'll pop stickers on your backs.
-[Carol] Your hands are cold. -[Sean] What's going on our backs?
-[device beeps] -Hey! That is cold!
Sticker like a name badge?
Kind of, yeah. Just so we know where you are,
who you are, social distancing.
You're tracking us?
We're keeping you safe.
So it's just for health reasons. So we can keep the machine moving.
Understood, yeah.
[Gavin] Hey, gang!
I see you've all met Mr. Best, our new head of security.
We're in good hands with Mr. Best.
He was recently head of security for DaBaby.
Lovely lad.
I'm not wearing one of those, man. It's radiation. It's EMF.
Messes with my fucking brain waves. I don't even wear wireless earbuds.
-Hey! -Gavin…
Not your job.
[Sean] He'll do it. He's doing it.
[Gavin] Should we take it easy?
-There you go. -Okay, all done?
-[Carol] A little rough. -That's a little, uh…
What the fuck?
Right, off you go! There's a Golden Globe waiting for you!
Okay, guys, thank you very much. Thank you. Appreciate it.
Shit is getting real on Cliff Beasts.
Was that necessary?
No, just trying to get it in the can, as per instructions.
No one's gonna go wandering off now, are they?
[dramatic music playing]
[Dustin] Maybe Jarrar just wandered off.
[Lauren] You don't wander off on Everest.
He's a quitter. Once a quitter, always a quitter.
[in ambiguous accent] The corporation will not be happy.
I'm beginning to wonder about this corporation.
[gasps]
What is this?
[suspenseful music playing]
This is Jarrar's reversible polar fleece.
Well, maybe he got tired and he made camp here somewhere.
I am not so optimistic.
What is that?
[music intensifies]
-[Lauren] Sweet Jesus in a basket. -[flies buzzing]
Is that Jarrar?
It might not be him.
There are a lot of inexperienced hikers up here.
But that is his belt.
That doesn't mean anything. I got the same belt.
[loud growl]
[screeches]
Looks like… he's feeding.
It is so large. How does it fly?
[screaming]
[pants] I checked the whole west face. No sign of him.
[Lauren gasping]
[dramatic music playing]
[screaming]
[both screaming]
[all screaming]
-Cut! It's great. -[bell ringing]
-What do you think? Is it gonna work? -Hmm.
-I've got one thought. -Yeah.
Fuck Howie.
[laughing]
You're bad!
[line ringing]
Hello?
Hello. Is Josh there?
Hold on. Josh!
[Josh] Coming!
Will you turn off the bath?
Hey, Carol. What's up?
Hi. Who was that?
Uh, well, that's Monica.
Who is Monica?
She's the…
the server that you liked who waited on us on Valentine's Day.
She's the waitress from Baltaire?
Don't say "waitress" with that tone. She risks her life to feed people!
-Why is she in my house? -[Josh sighs]
Look, I'm just gonna say this, all right?
I'm breaking up with you.
[chuckles] What?
And it's not just about Monica either.
I realized that all you care about is yourself, and not me.
Where is this coming from?
Of course I care. I care about you so much!
You care about me so much that you jump on a plane to London during a plague!
-I can't believe this! -[Josh] Say goodbye to Carol!
Who's Carol?
-[line disconnects] -[sniffles]
[piano music playing softly on speakers]
-Pippa? -Hmm?
Do you wanna have sex with me?
I'm eating, blud.
Sorry. Sorry.
Gunther?
I'm done eating, but I'm okay, thank you.
[whimsical music playing]
[exhales nervously]
[clears throat]
[Carol] Hi.
Dr. Lacie.
-I dreamed it would be you. -You did?
-My name is Zaki. -Oh, I was gonna ask you.
-Let's talk. -Okay.
[Carol clears throat]
Hello!
[both laughing]
-Hey, Rafi! -Point the camera up.
-Move the camera. -Fine.
[Dustin] Let me see that…
-[Lauren] Hi! -Nice 'stache.
How's the homework?
I'm quitting high school. I don't need it. My friends said I can get a trust fund.
-Guess what? -What?
Mommy and Papa are back together.
Mom, I thought you were dating the guy who used to be on Friends!
-Raphael, stop it! -Dad is the devil!
What?
He's never gonna change! I googled him. He's done some fucked-up shit.
I've gotta finish my game. Bye!
Rafi!
What a nightmare!
-Ever wonder if we picked the right kid? -Don't say that.
No, when we got him, they said he was just shy and that he'd warm up,
but he never warmed up--
[Rafi] I can hear you!
Man, you guys are a bag full of dicks!
Fuck!
No!
That was…
There's no coming back from that.
[whimsical music playing]
I don't think we're allowed to leave the hotel. I signed something.
We're 18. They expect us to do this.
Okay, let's go to London.
[both giggle]
Make me smile.
Hmm…
[screen chimes]
Hello, I'm Kate.
Welcome to your 30-minute morning stretch.
Are you ready to start a new day with new habits?
Change me. Change me.
-Great! -Change me.
I'm ready too.
Let's go. We're just gonna start with a really easy swing.
No stress. Great.
Let's come down.
Let's just take a moment to connect with the earth.
[exhales sharply]
-Dieter. -Huh?
You're kind of cute.
I like your hair.
For our next exercise,
I would like you to enter me for 30 thrusts.
Let's do that ten times,
and continue until I say we're done.
That's a lot of sets.
-[both panting] -I love you, Dr. Lacie.
I love you too. But it's Carol.
[moans] Carol Lacie.
-No, just Carol! -[both gasp]
Dr. Carol.
-No, I'm not a doctor. -[grunts]
Kate?
Are you me?
I'm you. You're me. I'm horny. Who cares?
This is creepy,
but I like it.
Shut up. Get over here.
Yes, ma'am.
[upbeat music playing]
[both moaning and gasping]
[speaking Spanish]
I don't understand!
[moaning loudly]
[both panting]
Did you?
No.
I never orgasm.
Oh! [moaning]
[Kate, repeating] Are you ready to start a new day?
[Dieter] I'm sorry.
[whimsical music playing]
Ronjon, make sure you spend time on that pineapple. Each groove.
All right.
Thank you.
[shivering]
Oh, my God.
I think I'm sick.
Yeah, you're sick with love.
No, I think it's the virus.
You can't have the virus. We're in the bubble.
[vomiting]
Bola, hold my hair.
Your hair is short. There is no hair to hold!
[groaning] Hold my hair!
Uh, I don't want to be here. I want to resign.
[sobbing] Bola…
Uh…
[hesitates] I really don't want to.
-I'm not supposed to be here. -[sobs] Bola…
Where do I hold? Okay!
[vomiting, grunts]
[Bola] No! No, no, no, no!
[farts]
[both screaming]
[Gavin] Okay, guys? Uh, listen up.
Uh, I've got some very important health news for you.
-You all tested negative for the virus. -Yes!
However, some of you have tested positive for influenza.
-The good virus. -[Gunther] The good one.
Two of you tested positive
for two separate cases of sexually transmitted diseases.
How'd we get the flu? We're in the bubble.
[Gavin] We've narrowed it down to a delivery person
and one of the gardeners. We are handling it.
If this is just the normal flu,
we could push on and complete the day, right?
Absolutely, yeah.
Actors are some of the toughest people I know. We can handle it.
I once played host to a 30-foot-long tapeworm
during Cliff Beasts 2, and nobody even knew.
I broke my wrist and ankle on the last movie I did.
-I didn't tell anybody. -Good lad. That's the spirit.
I'm very concerned about Carol and Dieter.
I think they should at least have the rest of the day off.
We're not shutting this down for a bit of snot.
Let's have a show of hands, okay? Who wants to power through today?
[coughing]
Right, let's get out there and kill some cliff beasts!
-[actors] Yeah! -Yes!
[dramatic music playing]
[straining]
[loud growling in distance]
I can hear something!
The nest must be close.
[grunting]
You guys better get moving, or you're gonna be bird seed.
[Sean grunts]
I don't feel so good.
We should do this another day.
[grunting]
-You got this. -[Dustin] Lauren?
-[sighs] -Lauren!
[Lauren moans]
Something's up with Lauren.
[both grunting]
I can't do this anymore.
[Krystal moans]
[Carol] Oh, my God, I'm gonna throw up.
[Krystal] Please don't because then I will too.
Winners never quit, and quitters never win!
I don't wanna act anymore. I wanna go back to the room.
Let's shoot it quickly. You'll be proud when it's done.
Carol, can you stop gaslighting me?
Gaslighting? That is not gaslighting. You know what? Your generation sucks!
At least I'm not a baby boomer.
I'm not a baby boomer. I am Generation Y, thank you very much.
Ladies, this is no time for catfighting.
-[dramatic music playing] -[loud screeching]
I saw a photo of you at a Nirvana concert.
[scoffs] No, you didn't. That wasn't me.
It doesn't look like they're climbing.
Right, like, why don't they have ropes?
And would they let the little girl free climb a cliff like this?
Would she even know how to do it?
-I think she's unconscious. -I think Lauren seems fine.
Wake up, Lauren. Come on. Climb.
For your first time free climbing, you're doing a great job, guys!
Okay, guys, I really think I'm gonna throw up.
[Dustin] Maybe call the set medic?
I don't like it when people throw up.
Oh, God.
[vomits and groans]
Whoops.
-Should we bring them down? -Let's just see how it plays out.
Should we be concerned about this level of vomit? Just 'cause, you know…
There's something going round.
-[Bola] It smells like ham or something. -Shh. It's okay.
I need touch-ups on hair and makeup, please!
-[stomach gurgling] -Can hair and makeup step in, please?
Hey, Lauren? Who would you say is the most fun person to act with?
Gavin, there's no time for recuperation.
You have to get the dinosaurs flying again.
-I'm not a magician. -I know you're not a fucking magician!
If you were, you could pull a movie out of your ass!
Oh, my God, it's Minnie Driver. [gasps] I love her.
You know, these are human beings. They're not machines.
Bucko, need I remind you, you used to be addicted to meth.
Once you stayed up for three weeks, did something bad, and I covered for you.
Okay, yes, I remember. Thank you for reminding me, Paula.
If I'd ever told anyone, you'd be in jail for the rest of your life.
Don't make me get tough. I don't like to get tough.
You do like being tough. You love it.
Can I put something into perspective for you?
We are one of two movies in production right now.
-It's us and Tom Cruise. -[Gavin] Yeah.
If we fail, a $50 billion corporation is going to go down.
People murder each other over ten grand.
What do you think they're gonna do over $50 billion?
You ass! [gasps]
Oh, dear.
Okay, so Mel Gibson is on the boat, and I think he thinks we're dating.
We did stuff last night. He's taking it too seriously.
What did you do?
Just over-the-pants stuff.
Guy, what's up?
Oh! Listen! I've got so many presents for you.
These people, they don't even care about what they have.
Yeah, I've got soap. I've got cream.
I've got… You need a corkscrew? I'm gonna send you two corkscrews.
There's Bibles everywhere, in every room. They don't even read them!
I'm gonna send it to you so we can pray for them 'cause they're all going to hell.
-They're mistreating you. -Mmm.
Makes me furious.
You know what you need to do?
You need to lead a revolution.
Yes, revolution.
You're like little cogs in the machine. Don't you see it?
They've been using you!
You're going to burn down the machinery of corporate capitalism.
-Yes. -They are not the power.
You are the power! Only you can make the change!
It has to be me!
It has to be you.
We are working too many hours, and we are way over schedule.
It is unfair and unsafe.
Carol, why do you want us to bail? Just tell us why.
I'm not saying "bail." I'm saying "threaten to bail."
We're all gonna team up together, like the cast of Friends?
-No. -You want us to bribe them then?
-Not what I'm saying. -You want us to blackmail the studio.
What are you not hearing?
Every day, I eat the KitKat in the minibar,
and then I come back and there's a new KitKat.
I'm not giving this up.
I knew she was gonna do this. I knew you were gonna do this.
What did I tell everybody? Not to have her come back,
because you are a leaver, and you are trying to get us to be leavers too.
-I thought you forgave me. -Did I?
-You said you did. -Did I?
-Lauren! -I just hadn't seen you in a while.
Hey, little girl over there, why are you always here?
My dad's the stunt coordinator.
He doesn't love me, so…
All right, uh, maybe we should vote on this.
Okay, let's do it. Who's in?
This is great! Let's go make our demands!
No, we're in to finish the movie.
That's not what I said! I said, "Are you in to be out of the movie?"
Then you should have said out!
No. I explained the plan, and then I said, "Are you in for the plan?"
Why would we listen to someone who doesn't know how voting works?
Guys, I am proud of you.
Do you understand that, together, we can do anything?
And I'm manifesting right now, for all of us, a classic!
-[Dustin] Yeah! -Yeah.
That's where it's at.
Hey, no, stop! This is not finished yet. You stole my meeting!
Cliff Beasts 6!
Whoo!
[quirky upbeat music playing]
Mr. Best, is all this necessary?
Maybe, maybe not.
This is a hotel, not a war zone.
My job's to look after these people, not imprison them.
You don't care about them. You just wanna get the job done!
Like a sergeant pretends to care about the soldiers before he sends them off
to die.
Now, let's finish this film and go home!
[Carol clears throat]
-Hey, Gavin? -Hi.
What's going on? All my lines are gone from the next scene.
Oh, that can't be true. She has lines in this, doesn't she?
Uh, only nonverbal lines.
But I'm supposed to emotionally connect with the baby cliff beast.
Oh, yes! That's right. The studio wanted Krystal to do that because she's young.
I'm young.
They thought she'd connect more with the baby beast.
-[Carol scoffs] Why? -Well, she's the baby.
And you're not now.
The studio know that you're overworked. And they heard you.
-What do you mean, "They heard me"? What? -They heard you.
[dramatic music playing]
[growls]
I got you now, you son of a bitch.
No.
Cole, put that goddamn gun down.
That baby dinosaur has just as much right to be on this planet as we do.
It's not about the planet.
It's about justice!
[Krystal] No, put it down!
God damn it, Vivian.
How can you be so naive?
These things are killers.
They killed Jarrar, and they killed your parents!
[gasps] They killed your parents dead.
Not all of them are beasts.
But maybe some of us are!
Vivian, what are you doing? Come here! Get back here now! Shit.
You're gonna wind up dead, like your momma!
[low growl]
[Krystal exhales]
-[growls] -Come here, little guy.
[growls]
[purrs]
[breathes heavily]
[sniffing]
[giggles]
He's just hungry.
It's like she's dino psychic.
You're safe now. No one's gonna hurt you.
If that thing moves, I'm gonna blow its fucking head off.
[captivating music playing]
Wow.
-Okay. -[baby cliff beast squeals]
[low growling]
[chuckles]
[whispering] He's learning
from her.
Okay, let's see if you can do these steps.
["Started" by Iggy Azalea playing]
Very good. Very good.
[happy squeal]
[all chuckle]
Wow.
Looks like we're about to have us a hoedown.
[chuckles] All right, here we go.
♪ Okay, get outta line, okay It's goin' down, okay ♪
♪ You know my temper Is way shorter than a Vine, okay ♪
♪ We not the same, lil' mama I don't wait in line, okay ♪
♪ You say you rich Well like Mufasa… ♪
[in ambiguous accent] Now I know
I must kill them all.
♪ …now I'm rich ♪
♪ I got in my bag And I ain't looked back since… ♪
[laughs] Whoa!
♪ …but fuck that shit ♪
♪ You started out hatin' Now you love my drip ♪
♪ I started from the bottom And now I'm rich… ♪
-[loud growling] -[all screaming]
[intense music playing]
[screaming]
[roars]
[Darren] And cut!
[bell ringing]
Really nice work.
Can you stop? You don't need to do that anymore.
Hey, you looked amazing!
Darren, this is such bullshit.
That was supposed to be my big scene, and now all I do is piss myself.
Urination is a very real and human reaction
to getting roared at by a cliff beast.
-It's humiliating! -I wouldn't worry about it.
We've got to serve the Cliff Beast nerds, the fans out there.
They want authenticity.
Krystal just did a fucking TikTok with a dinosaur. Is that authentic?
That dance is the clip they're gonna use in the Oscars.
-What? No, they're not. -Oh, believe me.
Gavin, we gotta shut down, buckle down, focus, and I will rewrite that script.
You give me two weeks, and I'll have it rocking.
[Gavin] Shut down for two weeks?
Yeah, like they did with Apocalypse Now. That's the model.
-What? -We are not shutting down for two weeks.
We told Rafi we'd be gone for three months.
It's been five and a half!
I didn't come all this way to not have it work out.
Rafi will understand when he sees how great the movie is.
None of these movies are great.
Hey, I am modeling for him the value of hard work
and perseverance and responsibility.
That is the best thing a father can do for a child.
No, the best thing a parent can do is be present.
I told you, my dad took him out to lunch at Nobu, and he seemed fine.
-You think he's fine? -Yeah.
He started a GoFundMe for a kidney transplant!
How much did he raise?
$79,000!
Kid's an entrepreneur.
He's only been a part of our family for 17 months!
I hate to say this,
but this franchise has been in my life a lot longer than Rafi has.
You are so screwed up.
I'm gonna make sure that you get put on some no-adoption list!
-Please, will you do that? -You'll never adopt again!
Oh, yeah? I'll adopt again.
I'll adopt half of South America if I want!
You know, Peru, Chile, Venezuela. Come on, you're living with me!
[Carol] What are you doing?
I'm packing.
You're leaving?
-Yeah, tomorrow we have a game. -Oh.
-Didn't I tell you? -No.
So what do we do now? I mean, can I get your email?
Of course.
Okay, what is it?
-Oh, you want it now? -Mm-hmm.
Oh, but I'm packing.
Okay, what is going on?
-What? -[Carol] I'm a bit confused.
I thought we had something serious.
Here's the thing. I'm married.
What?
I have five kids.
-You have five kids? -With three different women.
-With three different women? -I have three more coming.
With two other women.
Wow. Okay, so,
maybe I should call your wife.
Really? You'd do that?
Yes, you better believe it.
Oh, she will love it! She's a huge fan of yours.
Okay, I'm sorry, I just… I don't know what's happening.
We have a very European relationship with my wife.
Okay, what does that mean?
That I'm allowed to have sex with you.
Oh, wow.
Okay, this is… What?
No, don't be sad.
You had fun.
Now, I meant to ask you,
do you have PayPal?
Yes?
Because that KitKat and that water you had last night?
It cost £26.
[whimsical music playing]
[inhales deeply]
Anika…
-You're working the night shift? -Yes, I do.
I see the way you look at me.
Yeah, I feel the same way, and I want you to know
I wanna rip your clothes off and have my way with you like an animal.
-That's amazing. -Yeah, it is.
-But-- -Hi.
Where are you guys going?
Um… To help him plunge his toilet.
Huh.
I'll do it. I'll plunge his toilet.
Let me handle his toilet.
I would plunge the hell out of your toilet.
I would. Let me plunge your toilet.
I want to plunge this toilet!
I'm only trying to take care of you,
so you don't find yourself in the wrong toilet.
You're not in charge of which toilet I should plunge!
I'm just doing what's right for you and his toilet, which I will now plunge.
I will handle this toilet. I'm gonna clean your toilet.
Sir, let's go. Thank you, Anika.
Where are you?
[Josh] I'm in our bed.
It's so cozy and warm. Feels like home.
I can't wait till this movie's over. I miss being there with you sometimes.
I'm sorry this has been so hard.
Hey, what's going on?
[sighs] Carol's still not over it.
-Oh, poor girl. -Yeah, she's really struggling right now.
What? You can't just live in my house with your new girlfriend!
Hey, I'm house-sitting for you for free! Pump the brakes, Carol!
-Hey, what do you want from Postmates? -We did Chinese last night, right?
[Monica] Mm-hmm.
-I could do Thai? -I could do Thai.
Do not Postmates to my house! I'm coming home right now!
[yelling angrily]
[quirky music playing]
-What the fuck are you doing? -I'm locking the script.
You won't be needing these anymore. You know why? Because you're done!
Back away!
-Eddie Vedder gave me that guitar! -I don't care!
[groans]
[manic laughter]
-That doesn't bother me. -Oh, no?
My work is in the cloud.
Are you sure, SummerBoy1987? [manic laugh]
That's my cloud!
-It's not anymore! -[line ringing]
Rafi, look in the camera!
Look at Daddy's computer.
Mommy lit it on fire because Daddy's script is in the computer!
Daddy's trying to make a movie that's not a piece of shit,
like Mommy likes to make.
Your mom's a hack, Rafi!
I don't care.
I don't like movies. They're too long! Bye.
Well, this hack is gonna go home and take care of our little angel.
He's no angel.
You think the cat drowned itself?
Just so you know,
I know that this thing is never gonna happen again!
Ever!
["Heart Of Glass" Miley Cyrus playing]
Rafi! Momma's coming home!
[screams]
♪ Once I had a love and it was a gas ♪
♪ It soon turned out I had a heart of glass… ♪
[laughs, grunts]
♪ Seemed like the real thing Only to find ♪
♪ Mucho mistrust Love's gone behind… ♪
[Lauren] Freedom!
[yells, laughs]
♪ In between What I find is pleasing… ♪
[Carol screams]
♪ Love is so confusing, there's no… ♪
[cheerful screaming]
♪ If I fear I'm losing you, it's just… ♪
[gun cocks]
-[song stops] -[groans]
[screams] Oh, my God!
[Best] That's wonderful work.
[gasps]
-[screaming] -[song resumes]
That's my tennis hand, you motherfucker!
[gasps in fright] Gavin!
-He got my fingers! -You trying to escape too?
Of course not. I just heard a commotion.
Calm down. [grunts]
-[loud gasp] -What the hell's going on?
-What are you doing? Why did you hit him? -[screaming]
-Oh, what did you do to your hand? -You did this!
I will sort this. Go back inside.
-Did you fall in the gravel? -No! This is all your fault!
The therapist said not to blame. Don't blame me!
What the hell is going on here?
The security guards, they got confused.
They thought that Lauren was a deranged fan, and they shot her,
and she lost a few fingers.
She'll be fine. Just a few digits.
Just a graze.
[Lauren screaming in distance]
Nothing to worry about.
Gavin, you can't shoot the actors.
You can't even poison the fuckers these days. The press always finds out.
It wasn't my call to shoot them. Mr. Best reports to you.
-Mr. Best? Sorry, who's Mr. Best? -[elephant trumpets on screen]
I thought you sent him.
Mr. Best? I don't… That does not ring a bell.
Sounds scary. Sounds like someone you wouldn't wanna fuck with.
Someone who'd do anything to make sure the movie got made.
Okay.
We need to shut down.
-We're not shutting the movie down. -We are shutting down the movie.
-We are not shutting down the movie. -[yells] We are shutting down the movie!
It's not like the world is desperate for another Cliff Beasts movie!
This isn't a vaccine!
This is a Cliff Beasts movie. There's five of them.
They're all the same!
Sorry, I was frozen there for a second,
but I assume you were agreeing with everything I was saying,
and I'm so glad because if you don't get the movie in the can,
I'll send one of these fucking elephants to trample your house and your children.
Okay? Hakuna matata, my sweet. [kisses]
-[line disconnects] -Wow.
I so wanna be her.
Hi, Tom.
I hate to tell you this,
but I don't think we have enough time or money to finish this Cliff Beasts--
Great, then just get it done and we'll be in touch.
I don't think it's possible to get it done.
Don't make an enemy of me, Paula. I will destroy you from within!
Okay, Tom. Thank you for this opportunity.
[line ringing]
[exhales sharply]
-Hello? -[Tom] Li.
The schedule's impossible with the budget we have.
Great. Then get it done and we will be in touch.
No, Li, you don't understand. This is impossible.
I have faith in you. You have never let me down before.
Wait.
Are you in Fiji?
-Yes, I'm in Fiji. -I'm down the beach!
I have not seen anyone in 37 days!
-You want to play tennis? -I would love to play tennis!
-Four o'clock? -Four o'clock!
Do you have balls? Oh, I have balls! [chuckles]
I spoke to Lauren this morning.
She loves you all, and she said the best thing that you could do for her
would be to make this movie great.
I spoke to her too, and she is not being cool about it.
She's really pissed at me like it's my fault.
I didn't shoot her fingers off.
Mr. Best's team thought that you were being attacked by a crazed stalker.
Were they able to reattach her fingers?
-They, uh, didn't find any of them. -[Darren gasps]
-All that's left is a thumb. -This is a blessing.
Lauren is gonna come back from this stronger.
There are a million things you can do with a thumb. It's not like it's a pinkie.
When will she shoot the rest of her scenes?
Well, we're not gonna shoot the rest of her scenes. Lauren is wrapped.
We've got some clever fixes I don't think anybody's gonna notice.
So are we allowed to leave?
We can't do that, unfortunately. You have to stay 'cause we have contracts.
It's called being an adult.
Fucking Jesus Christ.
[Gavin] Uh, one hiccup. Shouldn't be too much of a problem.
Our stunt coordinator, Steve, has had a bit of a virus scare,
so he is going to be joining us on Zoom today.
-Oh, it takes so long to shoot action. -Steve!
Hey, guys! Hope everybody's excited for today's stunt sequence.
Uh, Steve, looks like you lost some weight. [chuckles]
I'm the same weight as always.
All right, uh, let's go through the scene.
Okay, you know what? Let's run it. Just as we rehearsed, it's gonna be…
[voice breaking] I froze. I'm frozen. Did I freeze?
Fucking bullshit! I told you it wouldn't work!
[voice breaking] Am I clear now? Am I coming in clear?
-Yeah. -Go ahead.
Here's how it goes. The action starts when Dustin engages the first iceman.
Typical hand-to-hand combat. Remember, parry, jab, end up with a naked choke.
Okay, take me over to the mound.
On the mound, Carol's gonna take out icemen four and five
with a series of explosions.
Dieter and Krystal, you're providing cover fire for the icemen,
[voice breaking] and, Sean, you're gonna walk--
Question. When I'm supposed to get to my mark, do I turn to my left?
Okay, first team, walking on! Let's do this!
-[dramatic music playing] -[yelling]
[both grunting]
[yelling]
Oh! [yelling]
-Whoo! -[gunshot]
[screaming]
Watch out! Watch out!
-[overlapping screams] -[groaning]
[chuckles] I'd see that movie!
I forgot to tell you that my dad sucks at stunts.
Sorry, think I grabbed the wrong wire. Let's do another one-- No!
[people exclaiming]
[man] Bloody hell.
I was checking my email real quick. How'd it go?
Um… Not very well. We might have to…
-Do another take, yeah. -[Sean groaning]
I want you to call the studio and tell them to fuck off!
Well, what happens then when I need to get a bigger trailer for Mark Ruffalo,
I ask 'em and they say, "You just told us to fuck off for Carol"?
-I can't do that, okay? -Do I have a hard out date on my contract?
-No. -So they could just make me work forever.
No, not forever. They're not monsters! They're just trying to make a good movie.
We're being mistreated!
Oh, spare me! You're being "actress-mistreated."
I'm being fucking human being-mistreated!
You ever try to teach a 12-year-old math? It's impossible, okay?
He's been shut up in his room.
I walked in there the other day, and he was watching Japanese taxi porn.
What is Japanese taxi porn?
Just what it sounds like.
They fuck the taxi driver halfway through the video, in Japan!
I need you to call the studio and tell them to stop mistreating us.
Otherwise, I'm out. I'm walking.
You walk off the film now,
you are financially responsible for any overages that you create.
What? What does that mean?
It means that if you leave the movie, you will owe them 114 million bucks.
I didn't know that was in there!
I didn't either. I didn't read your contract!
You're not being a good agent or a good friend.
I'm being a very good agent. And you know what? I'm not your friend.
It's something we pretend when there isn't a pandemic.
[phone rings]
-I gotta go. It's Mark Ruffalo. -Don't hang up--
Hey, Mark.
[yells]
[solemn music playing]
Oh, my God, you're in the pool.
How you doing?
I thought today was so good.
You did?
-Did you not? -No! Today was a disaster.
-What are you talking about? -Everyone got injured in the stunt!
I mean before the stunt. The scene that we did before was incredible.
That was genius, but everybody got really hurt.
Yeah, that was unfortunate for sure. I'm gonna talk to them tomorrow.
I just… Honestly, I don't think I have anything left to give.
I'm so sorry about that.
I guess I was so focused on the dinosaurs, I forgot there are human beings involved.
Right.
Yeah. I'm gonna talk to Gavin. I'm gonna really change things so that you're happy.
I am mortified.
Really? That would be a lifesaver!
Carol, I'm really sorry.
[Darren] I'm gonna fix this.
[clears throat]
[both laughing]
-Hey. -Oh, my God!
-I'll race you. Come on! -Hey!
Come on. Try and catch me! [laughing]
Marco!
Hey, Darren. What's up here?
These are not my pages.
Yeah, um, we decided we're just… We're not gonna shoot those.
They weren't good, so we're gonna go and shoot the original script,
also known as the real script that was approved by the studio.
Also known as the worst fucking draft!
Everybody agrees that my revisions are kicking ass.
They clarify our pro-environmental message.
People don't care about the environment.
People go to see the movies to see dinosaurs blow up and die.
Why? Because dinosaurs kill people. They're monsters!
We need a movie with heart. [hesitates] Ask Martha. Martha?
She's our audience.
Don't the dinosaurs need to live?
I don't care if dinosaurs die, you know? I thought they were dead.
Fine. I'll do your shit word-for-word.
That fucking scene we're about to shoot,
I don't know how I'll make it work, but I will 'cause that's what I do.
I turn shit into gold.
[Gunther] You're meant to slurp those ones back.
Hey, do you know, I heard that the movie is going really badly.
They're gonna extend for another three months. I can't be happier! [laughs]
The longer these shitbags stay in my hotel,
the bigger my house is gonna be when they leave.
I'm gonna have one of those toilets that shoots water up my ass,
heats it and dries it for me.
-Ronjon is not touching anything anymore. -[others cheering]
Plus, the more we stay here,
the more Dieter will realize that he doesn't need anything but me.
-Ooh! -[Anika] Yes.
-Cheers! Never stop filming! -[Gunther] Never stop filming!
Never stop filming!
[all] ♪ Go, Cliff Beasts It's your birthday ♪
♪ Go, Cliff Beasts It's your birthday ♪
-♪ Hey! ♪ -♪ Go, Cliff Beasts, it's your birthday ♪
-[Ronjon] ♪ Part one, part two ♪
[Dustin] I'm here.
We're a family.
You've always been my hero.
I know that our love will get us through this nightmare.
[sentimental music playing]
[music swelling]
And cut!
-[bell ringing] -[Darren] Moving on. Excellent.
[sighs]
Great. That was… I really felt that. That was powerful.
-Did I capture her physicality? -Yeah.
Yeah, you're fine. It's just you're six inches too tall.
-And you're not my wife. -Okay.
-She got her hand blown off, my wife. -I didn't…
I didn't even go back to help her rehab. I had to finish this fucking movie.
-What asshole does that? -It's a specific situation--
-Am I an asshole? -No.
-The fuck am I doing? -I don't know.
I lost my wife and my adopted child of two years for this?
All this time I was producing this movie, I should have been producing my family!
-Are you a producer? -Uncredited, but everybody knows.
See that?
He's reacting like that because you made him feel something.
-Thank you. -So, well done.
What even was that?
That is called a "storm off." It's a pretty good one.
Got any good notes for that, Mr. Sundance?
This is the moment you chose to talk to me?
To come in here and heckle me? You?
We've got a saying about people like you in the business.
They talk about you. A sucky fucking worst actor.
You're a sellout. You're ruining everything.
You're making me look bad.
You're a poser!
Just kind of talking and mumbling. That's not acting!
I'm posing with my Oscar!
Carol!
-Hey! What are you mad about? -I have nothing to do in these scenes.
They keep trimming me and punishing me. You were gonna talk to the studio.
-I did. -And?
It didn't go well. I think it actually backfired.
You're the director! They'll give you whatever you want. They'll listen to you.
No, they will not!
They'll bring in Jon Favreau to finish it and send me home in a body bag.
I don't want to go to directors jail, okay?
-Is everything okay? -[Carol] No.
They cut my lines and won't let me leave. Nobody is looking out for me!
That is simply not true, Carol. I am your advocate. I'm your warrior.
If you could see how hard I work for you
behind the scenes, behind closed doors, on Zoom!
This is bullshit! You make us work when we're sick or injured.
That is not okay!
I'm sorry, if I might interject, I just got a call about your grandma.
-Okay, what? -She died.
What?
Yeah, she's dead. Um, in her sleep, so…
-I'm so sorry. -[Pippa] I'm sorry as well.
Uh…
-[Gavin] I'm so sorry. -Okay.
Uh, so I think I need to go be with my family right now.
That's just not gonna be possible, Carol.
Then make it possible.
You're not the only one suffering loss!
My dog got run over.
Did I burden everybody here with it? No. I grieved alone.
Mmm. I had to abandon my cat on the street just to shoot this movie.
I got a friend going through a really hard time, and I can't be there.
His movie didn't open and he's depressed.
-How old was your grandma? -She was 97.
Well, that's sad, but life has to go on. And the show has to go on.
You know what? You have become a monster!
[sighs]
-Oh, mask! -[Darren] Oh, shoot!
Yeah, I'm drinking, so…
Dustin, don't be sad. The dailies look great!
[ringing on projector screen]
Hello, this is Paula from the studio,
and I just wanted to say thank you all for your tremendous sacrifice.
It is worth it.
Hey, Paula, who are you talking to?
Beck! Well, I'm talking to the cast of Cliff Beasts 6!
No way. Action movie? That's one of my favorite action movie franchises.
Really? Mine too! I hear they have some downtime.
Maybe you wanna play 'em some funky grooves.
Playing funky grooves is what I do best. Who's in the mood for a ladies' night?
I know I am. Ladies and gentlemen, Beck.
["Ladies Night" playing]
[sighs wearily]
How's everybody feeling? You all look so sexy tonight!
The studio wanted to show their appreciation
by having me turn this motherfucker out!
Whoo! Thank you for fulfilling your contracts!
♪ Only 37 more days of shooting And we got this one in the can! ♪
Beck! Whoo!
Everybody get up out of your seats. Get up out of your seats! Come on!
♪ Girls, y'all got the one ♪
♪ A night that's special everywhere ♪
♪ From New York… ♪
[yawns]
♪ To Hollywood ♪
♪ It's ladies' night And, girl, the feeling's good ♪
♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies' night ♪
♪ And the feeling's right ♪
♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies' night ♪
♪ Oh, what a night… ♪
What a night!
Fuck it, let's dance!
♪ And the feeling's right ♪
♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies' night Oh, what a night ♪
♪ Romantic cliff beasts ♪
♪ You have a T. rex ♪
♪ Sophisticated raptor… ♪
[groans] Son of a bitch!
Walk away!
♪ Come play with me tonight, mama ♪
♪ This is your night tonight… ♪
Fuck this place! Whoo!
♪ This is your night tonight ♪
♪ Everything's gonna be all right ♪
♪ This is your night tonight ♪
♪ Everything's gonna be all right ♪
♪ This is your night tonight ♪
♪ Everything's gonna be ♪
[song ends]
[theme music playing]
I'm on set joined by the amazing cast of Cliff Beasts 6.
Carol, what's it been like
being back on set with all of your Cliff Beasts buddies?
It's great! I find myself smiling the whole time.
My face hurts from all the smiling.
-[laughing] -[fake laughing]
Now, we must take a moment to discuss the difficult times we're all in.
[Sean] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
[interviewer] Do any of you have a thought about what we can do
to solve the problems that plague our world right now?
I have some good news for the world, and I think it might help a little bit.
Uh, the studio just decided that since we're doing such a great job,
we're gonna roll right into shooting Cliff Beasts 7.
-[Sean] Amazing! -What?
As soon as we complete 6!
What do you mean? I didn't sign up for Cliff Beasts 7!
-Oh, it's the same shoot. -No. I'm not doing that.
I am out. Not doing it! No.
Is this live?
Hello, can you hear me? Please help us, okay?
They are holding us against our will. I can't do another movie.
-I can't! It's not safe here, okay? -[switch clicks]
What the fuck happened to the lights? Can somebody turn those back on?
-What? -It's not live.
-[Carol] What? -It's not live.
-We're not live. -[Carol] Oh.
[Carol] Hey, Krystal's Kittens. You may not know me,
but I am a really close friend of Krystal's.
I know we are all struggling during this time,
but the Cliff Beasts cast is being held against its will, partially,
and forced to complete a film under very inhumane conditions.
Lauren Van Chance got her hand shot off,
and they are making us work through influenza!
So we need you to jump on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, even LinkedIn,
and demand that they allow us to go home.
With full pay. And no repercussions.
Oh! That is perfect. Thank you so much, Krystal.
I'm so happy to help. I know how hard it's been for some of the older actors.
Yeah, it's been hard for them.
-You shouldn't post it. -What? Why?
Because you sound like whiny, spoiled actors.
I am not spoiled!
People don't wanna hear celebrities complain
about how hard their movie sets are.
They have real problems.
What are you talking about? These are real problems.
They're never gonna let us go home!
Hold on. If this is gonna make me look bad, I am not posting this.
I can't ruin my own brand.
It's not gonna hurt. You're the hero.
-It would make you look really bad. -[Carol] Whoa, uh…
What did you just do?
I deleted it.
What? Why would you…
[grunts] She is one of them! Not us!
She is not! She's my friend.
You sound like some crazy, rambling old actress. We're leaving.
I am the second youngest one!
Sorry.
Aah!
I deserved that.
You'll survive.
[Carol grunts]
Fuck you.
I'm sorry I hit you. I'm just having a really hard time right now.
-Hey, Sean. -You said you wanted to talk to me.
-Thank you for coming. Come in. -Sure.
I'm just having a bit of a hard time,
and I didn't know what to do or where to go.
-Um, Sean? -Yeah.
I always thought you guys were all fucking clowns.
I thought I was the only one who had it all together.
But Josh was right.
I'm the worst one of all of you.
-No! -Yes!
But you?
You're always so happy and positive all the time,
and I was just hoping that maybe you could help me because I'm falling apart here.
Carol.
Problems?
They're just lessons in disguise.
Remember that one step is the first… There's… You know…
The first step in the thousand steps of your journey.
Okay.
Every day…
every day is an opportunity for, uh…
Uh, for you to…
For what?
I don't have a fucking clue.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm a complete fraud.
-What? -I'm sorry.
The book is great. You should read the book.
But please understand, I didn't write it. Steve Harvey's ghostwriter wrote the book.
In fact, the only time… [laughing]
The only time I ever read it
was when I was in the recording studio, making the audio book.
And I was bored. I was bored with the whole experience.
Okay? I'm sorry, but during the pandemic, I realized that we're all the same.
And I thought that I was special.
And, uh, you know, that's all I got.
But I'm not.
I'm not.
Oh, my God!
Krystal Kris, the most selfish TikTok superstar in the world,
snuck out of her movie's bubble, putting millions of people in danger!
The UK gives us Prince Harry, and what do we give them back?
The Krystal variant?
[crying] We need to do something. That was a really bad idea.
Number one priority right now is canceling Krystal Kris.
#CancelKrystalKris.
I just lost 3 million followers,
and if we don't get the fuck out of here, I'm gonna lose all of them.
I only have 200.
[screaming]
[upbeat psychedelic music playing]
There's no answers.
But there are drugs.
[inhales deeply]
Ah! Whoo!
[inhales sharply]
[Sean] Mmm.
Oh, that's good.
[inhales deeply]
Ooh!
[bones cracking]
The biggest mistake I made on this movie is not being on drugs the whole time.
There should just be a campaign. "Say yes to drugs."
I feel very embarrassed that I used to tell people not to do them.
People should do them. They're great!
Can I ask you guys a question?
Why can't I keep a man?
Oh, Jesus.
Okay, so my ex, Josh, he dumped me and left me for a fucking waitress.
When I was young, if you saw me,
you'd just wanna punch me in the fucking face
'cause I was that handsome. You just wanted to ruin it.
You know what? This business is so unfair to women, okay?
It is not fair. You have to stay young and be skinny,
but have big boobs at the same time.
It's impossible because nobody has that body type without surgery.
You can't be skinny and have big boobs at the same time!
It is physically impossible! It's impossible! [sniffles]
Yeah, but it's worth trying.
Gunther, why do you look like Benedict Cumberbatch right now?
I do?
Your inner spirit has come out and that's who you truly are.
Hello, I'm Doctor Strange.
[Carol] Oh, my God, I can't!
I don't like it. I want you to stop it.
Stop being Benedict Cumberbatch!
Everyone, do you think that I'm worthy of Anika's love?
I don't have an answer for that, bro.
She's 27, and she loves me.
And I…
Love her.
[Carol gasps]
Let's go wake up Krystal. Let's make a fucking TikTok.
-Yeah, let's TikTok. -Right now.
-Ooh! Yes! I love those things! -TikTok, TikTok. Tick, tick!
[laughs]
-["Sea Talk" by Zola Jesus playing] -♪ No, I can't give you what you need ♪
♪ All by myself ♪
♪ Do you wanna go? ♪
♪ Do you really know ♪
♪ I don't ever stay away for you ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ Do you want to go? ♪
♪ Do you really know that I can't ♪
♪ I can't afford you? ♪
[Dieter wheezing]
Dieter? Oh, my God, Dieter!
Are you okay? Something's wrong with Dieter!
[Sean] Okay, wait. What's up? Dieter, wake up, man.
-All right, I'm gonna go get help. -Okay. Oh, my God, Dieter.
-[Sean grunts] -Oh, my God, what is happening?
He took a lot of drugs. I think he's having a bad reaction.
Okay, what we need to do is clear his airway.
Okay, how?
So I'm just expanding his cheek flesh at the moment.
-What is the purpose? -I've got his tongue.
So he's not gonna swallow his tongue. Your tongue is in good hands!
Dieter! Oh, fuck. What's going on?
-[Bola grunting] -God. What are you doing?
It's a heart attack! We need to attack it back.
-What? That is not true! -Heart attack!
-[Sean] Medical kit! -Oh. Can you get me the NARCAN?
-Yes. -Oh. I can't deal with this.
If he's taken opioids, this should dilute them.
[intense music playing]
There we go.
Come on, Dieter.
-Doesn't appear to be working. -Wait! He's allergic to peanuts.
-Oh! -Clear!
Come on, Dieter! Don't you die on me!
Get out of my way! Everybody back.
[speaking Hindi]
[in English] What language are you speaking?
When I get stressed, I speak Hindi. It's a better crisis language.
-We should shock him now. -Right, yeah.
Three…
[both] Two, one, clear!
[Ronjon panting]
-[Sean sighs] -[Carol gasps]
What time is it?
3:23.
Okay. Time of death, 3:23.
-Time of death? Are we calling death? -Time of death?
It's over.
Okay, but what we're gonna do is we're gonna go to the bar,
and we're gonna raise a glass, okay, to what an incredible legacy he had.
He was a magician. A chameleon.
A reptile that could change colors.
His chest is still moving, Gunther!
He's not alive! Okay? That's just the body letting him go by moving a little bit.
That's what that is.
-They call it death breath. -I think he wants to come back to us.
[Gunther] Good night, sweet prince. Go to that beautiful light!
-[Sean] Do not go to the light. -You can go to the light.
-Don't go to the light. -You can go.
-Come back. -Go.
-Don't. -Hold on!
Don't let go. Hold on. Come back.
Oh, my God!
Wake up! Wake up!
Can you stop? Stop it!
It's heatstroke from the dancing! Let's get him on ice.
[gripping music playing]
I think we need more ice.
-At least the ice will preserve him. -We gotta get him out of here.
[all grunt]
-What else is in the bag? -[Gunther] Okay, oh, um…
-[Sean] I just-- -Whoa. What happened?
Where the fuck did you come from?
-Oh, my God, was the dance that hard? -What's happening?
-[Sean] Yeah, on him. -[Carol] Dieter.
Oh, my God. Dieter!
-What is happening? -[Gunther] He just went down.
-What are we doing to save him? -We haven't tried this.
-Give it to me. -[Carol] Oh. She's just gonna do it.
-[all exclaiming] -Oh, my God! Anika!
-[gasps] -[others clamoring]
Oh, my God!
-I knew it was gonna work! -Yes!
-All right! -[Carol] Oh, my God!
[Sean laughing] Whoo!
[emotional music playing]
You saved me.
[Anika] Yes.
[breath trembling]
You are an angel.
Yes. I was trying to tell you.
You do love me?
I've loved you for a thousand years,
and I will love you for another thousand years.
Can someone take the needle out? It's a little too much.
[Bola] Yes, this is disgusting. Let me have this. Thank you!
[Carol] Oh, my God, guys.
Look around. Think about what just happened.
We worked together,
and together, we saved a life.
And we may fight it, and, oh, how we fight it,
but we are a family.
A Cliff Beasts family.
And that is just such a beautiful thing.
Listen to me. This is… This is not even me acting.
No, we know. That felt real.
And we have to come together as a family and lead each other to freedom
because we are heroes.
I don't understand the metaphor. Are we heroes or family?
We're both! We are a family of heroes,
and we are going to save our family because we are the heroes and the family,
and that's what heroes do, is save their families.
So we're a family now.
No, that's just for the actors. They still think we're shit.
Thank you for being my family and for helping me through all of this.
I love you all from the bottom of my heart,
and I now see what I have to do and my reason for being here,
and it is to lead you all to freedom.
I don't understand. You're leading us to freedom. Where is freedom?
Freedom is the fuck out of here!
That's the cocaine talking right there.
-[dramatic music playing] -[growling]
-[thunderclap] -[growls]
[cliff beasts growling]
Can't they see we're trying to save them?
We can't save them if they're dead!
If they touch this wire, we can knock them out
and take them to an ice cave and figure out how to care for them.
Good idea, Vivian!
[music continues]
[screeching and growling]
[Dieter in ambiguous accent] I know a better way.
Let's put them to sleep,
permanently!
[actors exclaiming]
[Sean] He's a madman!
If we get them in the reproductive organs, their hormones are toxic and flammable.
Gio, you promised to honor and protect them!
Well, you silly little girl,
looks like Gio lied. [yells]
[Sean] No, stop!
Why, Gio, why? All for a luxury hotel?
The cliff beasts must burn!
And if all of you stand beside them,
then you will burn with them!
[cliff beast roaring]
-[groans] Cliff beasts! -[sobbing]
[Sean] Gio!
[Carol] Let's help him!
[Dieter] Save me! Aah!
-[Sean] No! -No!
[screaming]
I can't look! It's horrible!
I hate to admit it, but unfortunately, Gio just proved his own point.
What?
We have to kill them all.
[Carol] He's right.
Let's do this.
Light the sky on fire!
[heroic instrumental music playing]
Die, you feathered fucks!
Shoot their reproductive organs. They're flammable!
Go for the nuts!
[yells] Balls!
[screeches]
[cliff beast groaning]
Die, nature! Die!
Darren, I hate this rewrite. This is so stupid.
-Cut! -[bell ringing]
What? It looks great.
So the ending that you came up with
is me shooting at cock and balls with a flamethrower? That's what you got?
Dustin, you're misunderstanding what this is gonna look like.
It's not cock and balls.
These are reproductive organs.
It comes out of the dinosaur like a jellyfish,
and it just moves towards the camera.
And the little tentacles, and it's fluorescent,
and it goes back into the body. It looks beautiful!
The people from Paddington made it.
[Dustin] Why would I shoot at a gelatinous,
pulsing dinosaur dick and balls like that?
That sounds like you're attacking some kind of defenseless thing.
You're the hero! You have to kill them. Otherwise they'll take over the world!
Why don't we just shoot 'em in the asshole?
[Darren] It's not even a dick. It's a metaphor for the virus.
Martha, does it look beautiful?
Uh, well, personally, I find it a bit troubling,
but, um, it doesn't look like a dick.
It doesn't look like a dick.
Not any dick that I've seen.
You think that makes it okay?
That their dick and balls look like a jellyfish?
Can we be brought down whilst you chat? To have a little cigarette break?
Hey, how you doing?
[dramatic music playing]
You know what, Dustin?
[amplified] I'm in charge of this movie.
You're gonna do what I tell you to do. Sorry, everybody.
I am the painter, and you are the paint!
I think this is gonna really work. I think this is really fun.
Who the fuck is that?
Don't insult my mocap men!
You know what, guys? As soon as we wrap, I'm gonna punch you both in the jaw.
Well, I'm gonna write you a stern bloody email.
Guys! The sooner we get everybody… Where's the cast?
Where's the fucking cast?
Gavin! Where is everybody?
I don't know.
[amplified] First team, we need you on set. We are not done shooting.
First fucking team!
Come on, guys! We're losing time!
Where's Dustin?
God damn it!
Dustin, you're wanted back on set. Soon as you can make it, that'd be great.
Fucking prick!
Mr. Best, there's been a breach.
[dramatic music playing]
[exhaling sharply]
[grunting]
I believe the children wanna play!
Okay, let's have some fun.
[hesitates] Can I leave?
No! I'm sorry I'm not Patty Jenkins.
I don't get to work with fucking Cal Gadot.
Gotta work with these fucks!
There's some really crazy shit going down on the Cliff Beasts set right now.
I don't even know where to begin.
It's been really hard on set these days--
[groans]
Hey! What's happening? Has something gone wrong?
Get out of my way.
-Is there something we can do-- -To cheer them up?
Cheer them up? This'll cheer them up!
-This'll cheer them up! -Whoa!
-This'll cheer them up! -Aah!
What are you doing? Crikey!
-Do you want cheering up? -No, I'm--
Do you want cheering up?
I'm on a different film.
-That slowed them down a bit. -Three, four seconds. Yeah.
What the hell was that?
I'm stopping you. You have a movie to finish.
I thought you were my friend.
I was paid to be your friend!
They paid you?
-I'm a mole! -What are you talking about?
And by the way, you are a mediocre dancer.
That's my appeal, bitch!
[groans]
Aah! [groans]
Come on.
Hey. Hey, stop. Hey!
Hey, why are you running?
Hey!
-Hey, stop! -Why are you chasing me?
-Why are you running? -Get the hell away from me!
[screaming]
[both grunting]
[grunting]
[Carol] God, get off of me!
[both panting]
-Why were you running? -Why do you care if I'm running?
You could have stolen something.
I didn't steal anything.
I really don't think you're allowed to run during a pandemic.
I have to because it is an emergency.
Ow! [groans]
Great. I have a sore leg, and what do I have to do for the rest of my day? Run.
Aw! Somebody get Professor X his wheelchair!
I play a lot of different characters. Not just him!
-You're… -Carol Cobb.
-We went on a date, remember?
Oh, wow.
You don't remember--
Oh. Hey, hi.
-They need me back on set. -Nobody's calling you. That's not a phone.
["Git Go" by Katastrophy Wife playing]
♪ Never thought I had to take it ♪
♪ Never felt the need to fake it ♪
♪ Never felt the need To try all the shit you pull… ♪
[grunts]
♪ I never had your git-go ♪
♪ I had you figured from the get-go ♪
[choking]
[song ends]
[sighs] There's my phone.
[dramatic music playing]
Got you now, you dirty hippie.
[screams]
[amplified] Hey, get your ass off the set! What are you, crazy?
[gasps, spits]
[dramatic music playing]
Mr. Best!
What? What is it, Gavin?
What now?
Cliff Beasts!
Shit, it's in his hand!
[screaming]
Can I be in Cliff Beasts 7 now I shot him for you?
I'll make a call.
Thank you. Sorry about flipping out earlier.
-There's a lot of stress and emotions. -Just let me enjoy this moment.
[Best groaning]
[dramatic music playing]
-Do you know how to fly that thing? -Yeah, I took eight lessons.
[Darren] Hey! Where do you think you're going? Huh?
[beeping]
Don't move!
Stay there!
How do the brakes work on this thing? God damn it.
No one's getting in that helicopter!
Turn around.
Turn around, go back to set.
I won Sundance with a movie I made on my phone!
An iPhone 6!
I am not going back to my old life.
You think I want to go back to Home Depot, selling tiles?
This is my shot!
Your call time is right now!
I got this.
-You got what? This? -You wanna go, Cimino?
-Do I wanna go? Yeah. -Come on.
Come on.
You wanna play around? Is that what you want?
[both grunting]
[Carol] Yeah.
[Sean muttering]
What are they doing?
I'm pretty sure it's the tribesmen fight from the movie.
-Oh. This is a terrible fight. -[Dustin] Go again?
-All right. -From the top?
Grab. Block away, one punch, second punch. Down, stomach. Duck.
The fight I was just in was way better than this.
[Carol] Oh.
Attaboy.
-Give me that! -Yeah!
Should we stop it?
Probably not. No one's getting hurt.
[both grunting]
Shit! Dustin, just do something different! Anything!
All right. Here's a page one rewrite.
On your balls!
-[Darren groans] -There it is!
-[laughs boisterously] -[Darren groans]
-Yeah! That's different. -Hit to the face!
[cheering]
Yeah!
-Attaboy, Dustin! -Let's go.
[dramatic music playing]
-[groans] -[Sean] Dieter!
Dieter, come on!
You should have gone with my pages.
[Sean grunts]
All right, now this…
That's done. Okay, all right, this goes…
[Carol] Oh, my God.
My cast! [groans]
[Dieter] Anika,
you made it okay!
I got in here three hours early just to be safe.
[romantic music playing]
I wanna live with you. I wanna live with you in Beverly Hills.
-I live in Sherman Oaks. -Even better!
[music swelling]
-You got this? -Yeah.
-Whoo! -No celebrating yet.
-Okay, no, we-- -[Dustin] Fly it.
[dramatic music playing]
Oh, man, this is a rush!
All right!
Yes!
Whoo! Whoo!
Why are we standing still?
What are you doing?
-[hesitates] Just hold on-- -[Dustin] Let's get going.
Okay, just give me a second. Um…
Okay, what is that one?
I've not seen that button. I do not know what that does.
[Darren] What happens now?
You're definitely gonna get the sack for getting Howie to shoot Mr. Best.
You'll be in directors jail for the rest of your life, if that. You're finished.
And I'm just gonna take over as producer and get the movie in the can.
[music continues]
What are you doing?
Uh, I only know how to go up and down.
What?
For the movie, they only taught me how to go up and down.
They didn't teach me how to go forward.
I don't know how to move forward, okay?
I'm just, uh… I don't know what else to do.
Just push it forward!
Well, I don't know if that's how it works. It might be how it works. I don't know!
-Oh, my God. -What is happening?
Krystal, go on YouTube. See if there's a helicopter tutorial or something!
Does YouTube still exist?
-Yes! -Yes, YouTube exists!
-It still exists! -Okay!
-Um… -Hurry, Krystal.
-[amusing music plays] -[chuckles]
What? What are you looking at?
[Krystal] It's a monkey being washed in a sink.
-[Dustin] It's taking a bath. -[Sean] What's happening?
-It's a monkey. -A monkey taking a bath?
-Look, he's so cute! -Let me see.
I don't think he likes it!
-Aw! His fur is so soapy! -[alarm beeping]
-[all screaming] -[intense music playing]
-Stop this! -Stop!
[all screaming]
[Sean] Krystal, show me!
Hurry! Let's go!
Stop yelling at me! Go, just watch it!
Today, I'd like to talk to you about how to fly a helicopter.
Why don't we hop in and I'll show you how it works?
-What are you doing? -Oh.
It's a prop. It doesn't work.
I just thought maybe this could scare them into coming back.
[mouthing]
-Okay, I think I got it. -Darren is pointing a gun at us right now!
-[Carol] Oh, my God! We gotta go. Go! -[Sean] Okay. Uh-huh.
Sean, I believe in you.
You can do this.
I wanna be the hero, but I can't do it.
Come on, guys, we're a family!
[valiant music playing]
Let's do this together.
[Dustin] Come on.
All right. Okay, guys, here we go.
We're doing it. We're doing it. We're moving forward.
[triumphant music playing]
[all screaming]
No, we're good! We're good! We're good! We're good!
We're good. I've got it. Okay.
So how are you doing? This seems like a major setback.
We're gonna be fine! We'll put a cut together. It's gonna be great.
We're not done. They'll probably come back!
I think I got it, everyone.
We're going home.
[Bola] You sons of bitches, you didn't tip us!
-[Carol] Oh, my God! -Bye-bye, Clifton!
-Bye! -Whoo-hoo!
[triumphant music continues]
[theme music playing]
-[electropop music playing] -[people cheering]
I'm Susan Howard, reporting live
from the premiere of a documentary about a disastrous production
that the entire nation is talking about.
I'm a beast!
[both] We're a beast!
[all] I'm a beast!
-[both] I'm a beast! -I ain't a fucking cliff beast.
-Let's get ready to bubble! -Bubble!
[both growling]
[Dustin] Cliff Beasts 6?
Holy shit.
[orchestral music playing]
When Howie cracked, that's when we all should have just gotten out of there.
And here's a warning. Do not leak this on the Internet, you fucking idiots.
-[Krystal] The security was insane. -[yelling]
They had guns.
[gunshot]
It felt like America, but in England.
[screaming]
The second these things go to streamers, they're gonna be watched on televisions,
and then that makes me a television star.
I'm not a television star! I am a movie star!
What do you think I am? Young Sheldon?
-No, don't leave me! -Let go!
Not now. Turn that off, you tit!
Yeah, the cast all called me EPK Guy.
It's like, "That's not my name. My name is Scott."
Now they know it. It's on the fucking poster.
How does it feel to be the villain of Beasts of the Bubble?
[chuckling] I'm not the villain. What are you talking about?
Why are you complaining? I can't leave and have almost no lines.
I'm over here with my dick in my hands like a piece-of-shit extra!
No, I didn't know that all my Zoom calls were being recorded.
[laughing]
I could sue, but I won't 'cause I'm in on the joke,
and I love the joke.
So you're the mole!
[chuckling] I know! I'm the mole.
I never thought it could work as just a hand.
[laughing]
High five.
See?
[Sean yells]
Sean, how are you doing?
I heard you just got out of rehab for cocaine addiction.
Yes, two-day rehab. I walked in one day. I said, "I think I'm addicted to cocaine."
They said, "You shouldn't do that anymore." I said, "Done."
-Two days, huh? -48 hours.
What's your next project, Darren?
I'm doing the Skittles movie.
It's based on the candy. It's got a great story. A passion project.
And it's about racism and diversity, and how we can all get along.
It's all the flavors, but it all goes under one name. Skittles.
So much exciting news for the two of you. And who's this?
This is our friend, Kate.
I have no idea why I'm here.
Come on, Kate.
Come on.
I'm a beast!
-Come on, Rafi, just say it with me. -No, get off me!
So how have you been doing since the movie?
Um, yeah, good.
Um, so I'm worried I'm gonna get in trouble
because I didn't send the swabs off to get tested.
Um, so I've still got most of them at home.
And even now I don't really know where to send them. If you know?
No? Thank you.
[upbeat music playing]
Do you think they have enough footage in the can to put a cut together?
We didn't get any of the opening,
but maybe that doesn't matter as long as the ending's strong.
Yeah. The rest of the movie can be shit as long as the ending's good
'cause that's what they'll remember. You know?
Oh, yeah.
Well, at least we tried to make a movie.
They can't judge us for that.
We made something that's a distraction in these difficult times.
[helicopter whirring]
["Wings Of Stone" by Adam Levine playing]
♪ When I was a baby, down about ♪
♪ Sweet brave boy above the clouds ♪
♪ The world was mine, whoa ♪
♪ The clouds, they call me to fly ♪
♪ The mountains echo with my cry ♪
♪ You were never welcome here, whoa ♪
♪ With your silly woe And your football toe ♪
♪ Your technology ♪
♪ You took my bone in paradise away ♪
♪ I'm coming back Never gonna let you rise again ♪
♪ I'm coming home The end is near, my friend ♪
♪ I'm coming back Never gonna push me down again ♪
♪ Flying up on my wings of stone ♪
♪ On my wings ♪
♪ Of stone ♪
-♪ On my wings of stone ♪ -♪ I'm coming home ♪
♪ Thunder and lightning was my friend ♪
♪ Thought the glory days would never end ♪
♪ But you always wanted more, whoa ♪
♪ The sun didn't shine its light on me ♪
♪ From the mountains to the sea ♪
♪ Through volcanoes I will soar, whoa ♪
♪ With your power lines ♪
♪ And your diamond mines ♪
♪ You took everything ♪
♪ Now my whole entire world is gone ♪
♪ I'm coming back Never gonna let you rise again ♪
♪ I'm coming home The end is near, my friend ♪
♪ I'm coming back Never gonna push me down again ♪
♪ Flying up on my wings of stone ♪
♪ On my wings ♪
♪ Of stone ♪
-♪ On my wings of stone ♪ -♪ I'm coming ♪
♪ On my wings ♪
♪ Of stone ♪
-♪ On my wings of stone ♪ -♪ I'm coming home ♪
♪ Your blood is hot You make mistakes ♪
♪ My blood is cold Like the Arctic lakes ♪
♪ My brain is small ♪
♪ You think it's funny, don't you? ♪
♪ The birds are all that's left of me ♪
♪ I'd rather be a bird than a monkey ♪
♪ I'm coming back Never gonna let you rise again ♪
♪ I'm coming home The end is near, my friend ♪
♪ I'm coming back Never gonna push me down again ♪
♪ Flying up on my wings of stone ♪
♪ On my wings ♪
♪ Of stone ♪
♪ I'm coming ♪
♪ On my wings ♪
♪ Of stone ♪
♪ I'm coming ♪
♪ On my wings of stone ♪
♪ My wings of stone ♪
♪ I'm coming ♪
♪ On my wings ♪
♪ Of stone ♪
♪ I'm coming home ♪
["Carmen Suite No. 2: II. Habanera" by Bizet playing]
It's really hard to direct in these things.