cheerful whimsical music
Oh, hi!
Didn't see you there.
It's that time of year: Juneteenth in December.
Juneteenth commemorates the time when salaried Americans came
together for the birth of a new commercial holiday!
Freedom
[man VO] Sponsored by Geico.
So I'm starting a new line of 100 percent cotton Juneteenth
-t-shirts! -[ding]
They don't focus on the bad stuff like the legacy of
slavery, they focus on the good stuff like the concept of
freedom!
-And that's a shirt! - [children] Yeah!
Freedom is marketable!
Oh, Ziwe!
Ziwe!
Oh, Tony Award-winner Laura Benanti!
You're not understanding the true meaning of Juneteenth.
It's not just about selling t-shirts,
it's about something deeper and more meaningful.
It's about totes!
upbeat music
triumphant kazoos
Wait, Tony Award-winner Laura Benanti!
This feels all wrong.
It can't just be about t-shirts and totes!
And frankly, it's a little offensive...
Ooh.
That the product line is so small!
-[blast] -[both giggling]
-Coozies! -Napkins!
[Ziwe VO] Tablecloths, t-shirts,
water bottles, hats!
Available at all the big box stores.
I don't care if you're Christian, Jewish, Muslim,
or Kwanzaa;
if you like Christmas in July,
then you're gonna love Juneteenth in December.
Tonight, I'm talking to Wayne Brady!
Wayne, would you say Juneteenth is about lifting up the youth?
No.
[Ziwe VO] And later, I'm sending my correspondent Larry
Owens to lead a group of icons in some Juneteenth caroling.
Juneteenth is here!
[in unison] Ziwe starts now!
cool theme music
[Ziwe VO] An improvisor, actor, and musician with a 30+ year
career in show business...
[in unison] Ooh, ooh!
Check it out, Drew!
[Ziwe VO] He's a national treasure.
Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?
Please welcome Wayne Brady!
Hey!
Oh, you clap for me?
That makes me happy.
Thank you for coming on the show!
Thank you!
I am honored that you are here for our special Juneteenth
episode.
I'm happy to be here for Juneteenth.
What did you get your friends for Juneteenth?
Me.
They-- they were able to celebrate me on that day.
Now, specifically, I'm talking to my non-Black friends.
[Ziwe] Got it, got it, got it.
And so you show up and you're like, "Here I am!"
-Ding, ding! -[doorbell]
Juneteenth!
You do a little spin...
I do a little spin, I get a couple of gift cards.
"Oh, Best Buy!
Thank you so much!"
And then I go from house to house collecting my Juneteenth
reparations.
Freedom
Now, what race is typically the most greedy?
-What race is the most greedy? -Yeah!
Well, you know, if you-- [sighs]
Um, who has colonized most of the Western world and the lands
beyond, and taken lands and said,
"This happens to be mine," regardless of whom happens to be
there, issues no apologies.
So I'm not saying which race, I'm just saying if there's a
race that fits that, that may be it.
On a scale of Halloween to Valentine's Day,
how important is Juneteenth to you?
Culturally, Juneteenth is the most important.
Mm.
But what really affects my life is Valentine's Day.
Wow!
I think that Valentine's Day is-- because I'm trying to be
-happy. -Yeah.
So Valentine's Day is my yearly reset of "Will this be the year
that I find The One?"
-[Ziwe] Wow! -Yeah.
[Ziwe] And are you still looking for The One?
I'm still looking for The One!
To camera, what is your type?
We can help.
My type is, uh, beautiful, strong...
I love to read, I want you to read,
so if you're into nerd culture, if you can teach me something,
if you're into history and back rubs...
-Back rubs and history? -[Wayne] Yeah.
That's a lot to ask for.
Yeah, so I want you to talk about Vasco da Gama as you're
giving me a back rub, yeah.
Goodness gracious, you are horny today!
Am I horny today?
Wayne Brady is horny!
I guess I-- am I?
I did notice, when I was researching you,
that your initials are "WAB."
-[Wayne] Yeah. -Wayne Brady, WAB.
WAB, WAB, WAB.
Like a Cardi song.
-I'm talking - [Ziwe VO] WAB, WAB, WAB
-That's some -Wet-ass bussy.
Oh, no, wet-ass bussy is a completely different thing!
That's-- yeah.
Some people like it in the butt.
Some people do like it in the butt!
I am not one of those people.
-[thud] - [man VO] Canceled.
I cannot say that I enjoy anal play.
Now, that being said...
maybe if I find the right person on that Valentine's Day...
Pivoting!
What does Juneteenth mean to you?
And don't say anything horny!
You're the one that asked the horny questions.
I was only answering.
No, you brought horny to the table, sir!
I-- I've never-- I never-- in all my years of doing
interviews, I have never been called "horny!"
So thank you.
[laughs]
Hey, it's Wet-Ass Bussy.
Tune in after the break.
What does "bussy" mean again?
[Ziwe VO] Next on Ziwe...
I wear my kente cloth daily
chimes
[man VO] Jane is a working woman,
and boy, is she busy.
No, Mom, I can't come home this year!
I'm just too busy!
[man VO] But life is about to slow her down.
Wait, what?!
Great-grandpa is dying?!
This is going to be his last Juneteenth?
[man VO] The Juneteenth Hallmark movie everyone's been
waiting for.
-Lakeisha! -[Lakeisha] [gasps] Ma'am?!
-[Jane] Lakeisha. -Yes.
I'm headed home to give my great-grandpa the best
Juneteenth ever.
So you can't take off next week.
Hold up!
I told you about Juneteenth!
[man VO] White Christians, this one's for you.
Thanks so much.
Watch the laptops.
[man VO] From the people that brought you The Love Child of
Santa Claus and stock footage of Seattle.
We've made this collard greens recipe for generations.
We got it from PaulaDeen.com.
[man VO] Love has a way of finding even the busiest of
women.
[typing]
heartwarming music
Tyler.
I haven't seen you since before we recognized Juneteenth as a
national holiday!
[man VO] Critics agree: it's a movie.
Also, I go by "X" now, in honor of the struggle.
[clattering]
[man VO] Two blondes learn Juneteenth isn't just any
holiday.
It's like we're back at...
[in unison] Celibate Teen Bible Camp High.
[Jane VO] I'm free from the bondages of work.
[man VO] "Makes you think," says Variety.
Jane, you're doing the work, and I have to respect that but--
[beep]
-Jane! -[dial tone]
You're always saying how it's the freedom for you, you, you!
But have you ever stopped to think about me, me, me?!
[shouts]
Jane!
Everybody, shut the flip up!
Jane...
your grandpop died!
[man VO] A whole movie shot entirely in three days.
Do you think there are Paula Dean Juneteenth collard greens
in Heaven?
uplifting hip-hop beat
It's been a wild year.
My very own Louis Vuitton?!
[sighs] I'm so busy.
"Hava Nagila"
[man VO] Even the busiest of women deserve a little freedom.
We're free!
Who needs a gorgeous purse...
when you have the gift of employment?
We made it the best Juneteenth ever!
[people cheering]
[Tyler VO] You're right, Jane.
It is the freedom for me.
But it's the love for me, too.
[man VO] Collard Greens in Heaven.
Playing every hour on the Hallmark Channel, sorry.
I'm Black...
I'm in this movie...
and...
this concludes my story arc.
[Jane] Yay!
Good job.
jaunty music
exciting strings
So, you didn't like that Paul Mooney joke that said white
people love you because you make Bryant Gumbel look like Malcom
-X. -Yes.
How does it make you feel to be a beloved Black man in white
America?
It's great!
Because the flip side of that is-- is why can't you be beloved
in white America, in Black America,
in Latin America?
I don't change who Wayne is to make "white America" like me.
[Ziwe] Mm.
Congratulations, that was funky!
Right on, right on!
If you have a thing in you that you need to get out,
why wouldn't you want as many people as possible to love that
thing?
So that's why I took offense, took umbrage with Paul's thing,
because the way he made it sound,
I would be the kind of person that would change who I am to
make white people love me.
So why do you think people named Jarett and Tinsley
gravitate towards you?
[laughs]
Um...
because they lack father figures.
Okay!
Okay, whoa.
I don't even know what it means.
-Let's unpack that! -Yeah.
I think Jared, um, Dales, Kyles, I think they're all looking for
the Black father figure in their life.
-Yup. -Wow!
I'm not backing down.
You're gonna stick with that one?
Tinsley, Kyle, Jared, Jake...
[sighs]
Black Daddy loves you.
So you won The Masked Singer as the fox in 2019.
upbeat music
What do you think mainstream America feels more comfortable
with: a Black man in a fedora or a Black man in animal cosplay?
Uh, definitely a Black man in animal cosplay.
It's like-- when I was a kid, I was a character at Walt Disney
-World. -Really?
I played Tigger and Goofy, and rednecks would take their kids
and shove 'em in my arms.
-"Tigger!" -Oh my God.
[Wayne] "Go ahead!"
When you say "Tigger," you say it with the hard R.
Yeah, "Tigger."
"Tigger."
Because if they knew that Tigger was a Tigger...
-Oh my God! -[Wayne] Yeah. [chuckles]
Now Wayne, you sing, you dance, and you do comedy.
Are you doing too much, or is everyone else not doing enough?
Everyone else is not doing enough.
Mediocrity is not the goal.
That's not the household that I was raised in.
Your parents are from the West Indies, you've mentioned.
Yes.
What's wild is that you talked about how you were bullied for
your accent.
But in my head, you speak like the Queen.
What is your original, like, OG Florida accent?
Well, because I was raised in that household,
[West Indian accent] and everybody had this accent,
and talking about "Mother, I don't understand,
-I don't know!" -Oh, wow!
[normal voice] Which, in my neighborhood,
there was a whole thing that we could go back to,
like, the '80s when there was an influx of Jamaicans to Florida,
and then the people that were there were like,
"You're on my turf."
So when I would go to school and I'd say something,
the other kids were like, "Ahh, little bitch sound Jamaican!"
Wow.
And I'd say, "I'm not Jamaican!"
-They'd say, "You not Jamaican!" -Oh my God!
And then we'd get into fights and the whole thing.
And now, I'm on TV. Fuck 'em.
-[Ziwe] Wow! -[Wayne] [laughs]
We unpacked a lot in 10 seconds!
Thank you!
That's an amazing therapy session!
Thank you, Doctor!
Would you like to apologize to Chet Hanks for appropriating his
accent?
Uh, Chet, on behalf of the people:
[patois] Me wan tank you, Chet.
Me wan tank you.
On your children's album Radio Wayne,
you have a song called "Hip Hop Stop."
Hip hop Now show me your hands
Hip hop stop
Why would you like hip-hop to stop?
[laughs]
-I never want hip-hop to stop. -Mm.
I've been a hip-hop fan since I was maybe eight years old.
Okay, so hip-hop don't stop.
Do you still listen to rap music?
Absolutely!
Who's your favorite modern, like, rapper?
[sighs] I was afraid you were gonna ask me that.
Of all the questions...
Because this is where I sound like-- like an angry...
-"oldhead"... -Yes.
-As the kids say. -Yes, Black Daddy.
Because Black Daddy doesn't like a lot of current hip-hop.
What does Black Daddy like?
Black Daddy likes hip-hop that I could dance to but that is
actually saying something.
We deal in words; I love words.
Yes, you love words.
-[Wayne] I love words. -Yeah.
So, I don't like...
-I don't like that. -Wow.
-I don't like that at all. -Wow.
And you prefer?
I went to the school to get the bus!
Because you never know what I'm gonna do
I say hip hop stop to you!
No, I love freestyle, I love Kendrick,
I love people that have something to say!
Chance the Rapper.
You love Jesus in your music; I got it.
-I love-- who doesn't... -Amen!
Like a little Jesus in their music?
Marry, [bleep], kill: Black, African-American,
or the N word?
Marry Black...
[bleep] African-American...
I guess?
And kill the N word.
Wow.
Why would you kill the N word?!
Because I love the fact -- and my daughter and I talk about how
beautifully it actually sings.
Like, it's a very musical word, but all it takes...
is one guy named Jarett at a concert...
Hip hop Now show me your hands
-Hip hop stop -[ding]
And he bends the A into an R, and it takes us back 500 years,
so I don't agree with the argument of "It's just a word!"
No, there's blood all over that word...
-[Ziwe] Wow. -So keep it out your mouth.
[Ziwe] Wow!
Next on Ziwe...
You know I'm gonna start a web series called "Black Daddy."
I think that exists on PornHub.com.
You have an amazing research department!
chimes
[man VO] How does Juneteenth make you feel?
Umoja...
Ujamaa...
Ujima...
Kuumba...
[Ziwe VO] I went to the school to get the bus
jaunty music
Wayne, you're a great man first, and a great musical improvisor
-second. -Thank you!
That's why we're playing a new game called Carol, Brady!
-Sing the jingle! -I love it.
-Make a jingle up. -Uh, about what?
Carol, Brady!
I just gave you the name.
Oh, I thought "Carol, Brady" was the title of the game!
-Yeah, it's a pun! -[Wayne] Right.
So you want me to sing the jingle about the game?
No one ever asks this many questions.
Because maybe they don't think that deeply.
Are you gonna sing the jingle or not?
No!
Yeah, of course!
So you want me to do the jingle of the...
[Ziwe] It's really not--
This is Carol Brady's song
Hopefully, I won't go wrong
This is what I'm gonna say
Who made me do it?
[bleep] Ziwe
Whoa! [laughs]
Okay, well, I'll hold up mystery words,
and you'll have to incorporate them into an original rendition
of the hottest public domain songs.
-Okay. -Are you ready?
I'm ready, let's go!
-[Ziwe] Hit the song! -"Jingle Bells" hip-hop beat
-Hey! -[ding]
Union Army!
Unh! Yeah! Unh!
You comin' at me
- You comin' at me -DMX!
You never coming'
- Y'all try to disarm me -[ding]
I'm comin' at you, assemble the Union Army
[Ziwe] Ayy!
I'm comin,' givin' it To you, I'm no stranger
Ridin' down on a horse just like Gordon Granger
-Ayy! -[ding]
I'm comin' at you, givin' at you my reward
Robert E Lee bitch-slappin' bitches with a sword
I'm givin' brothers [indistinct]
In the blue and the gray
You don't know what to say
The former slaves on this side
Former owners on the other
People who used to own people who would own brothers
Something must come down
What can it be?
'Til this day, I gotta say "Screw the Confederacy!"
Ohh!
To all of you people and I say it again
All of the people in Florida, it won't rise again
The South it will not, it will not rise again
'Cause I told you, I'm bolder, I'm a soldier
Ulysses S Grant
He was a dude in the Civil War as well
That's what they told me in school
But I don't know I have no kin for him
No man like him
No understanding the simple fact of gettin'...
Turn the page!
-[Ziwe] Wow! -[sighing] Ugh.
-[Ziwe] You did it! -Thank you.
Wow, the hardest working man in Hollywood!
I gotta go!
I gotta do [indistinct]!
Sorry, man, I got four at the Apollo at 11 o'clock,
and then I gotta jump across town,
I got a show at Willy's Comedy Shack at 3AM,
and then I gotta go serve at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles
over on the West Coast.
Okay, well, that's the end of that game! [laughs]
You say "that game" like there's more.
-[Ziwe] There is another one. -Yes!
Freedom
Wayne, would you say Juneteenth is about lifting up the youth?
No!
This is just transition lines to get to the game.
Oh.
Yes!
Good, because I have a child backstage who I think could be
the next Black president!
But they need someone to help them practice their debate
skills.
Let's play a game called Fight this Child!
Sing the jingle!
Fight this child
Put your fist up You gon' lose
'Cause I'm a grown-ass man
Sucka
[laughter]
[fight bell]
Okay, let's bring out this promising young Black youth.
Child!
Hustle; come on, child.
-Hello! -[Ziwe] Hi, child! [laughs]
Okay, so let's-- so first topic: Wayne Brady is Santa Claus.
Okay.
Convince this child that you're Santa Claus.
Ho ho ho!
I'm Santa Claus!
-Do you believe me? -No. [chuckles]
-Why not, because I'm Black? -[Zaire] No.
I don't have to be at the North Pole.
-N-n-n-n-n-n-n... -I work remotely.
-I am Santa Claus-- -[Zaire] No, you're not.
You have a Cadillac instead of reindeer.
-[Wayne] Slander! -[Zaire] I need a contract.
[Ziwe] You gonna take that?
So first, you're breaking and entering...
How do you even know what the kid wants for Christmas?
You're gonna get coal in your stocking.
I'ma throw it right in your face.
Whoa! How does this end?
And I've outsourced a lot of that work to various
countries...
-And it's a tax write-off. -[Ziwe] He's got a point.
So I've got something for you, okay?
That'll help prove this.
I want you to go backstage, and there's a box.
Go get that box for me and everything will be answered.
Wow.
And that's how you end a bit.
[laughter]
We just watched Wayne Brady deceive a child.
-Thanks, child! -[Zaire] That is disrespectful!
-[fight bell] -Yup! [laughs]
No, dab your way out, not back!
triumphant music
jaunty music
Reparations?
I'm not a mechanic.
jaunty music
smooth gospel music
[woman] [whispering] Oh my God, it's hot.
Oh, hi!
Hello.
Well, I'm Larry Owens.
I'm your choral director.
Today, we're gonna be commemorating Juneteenth,
and in order to do this, we're gonna sing words of freedom for
the people of Bed Stuy.
Let's get names, okay.
Hi, I'm Madison.
[Larry] Madison!
Um, why you?
So I am a photographer, and I was at home quarantining when
something was just telling me that I needed to be out in the
streets photographing the protests in New York City.
Madilon!
You took to the streets!
[Madison] Yeah, I took to the streets.
-Madison, by the way. -Thank you, Madilon!
Okay, where are you from?
Well, I grew up in Texas.
Texas.
-Juneteenth. -Yeah, yeah.
Is there any connection there?
We were never taught that.
We took a class in Texas history,
and they made no mention.
You know what that sounds like?
[laughter]
Dylan!
Where's the drummer?
That was a "badum-bum." [laughs]
You know what that sounds like?
It sounds like erasure.
Mm.
[Larry] So today, we are becoming a choir --
individual voices, together as one.
-Johanna? -[Johanna] Yes.
Is this...
Are you taking it seriously?
[Johanna] Yeah!
[Larry] I don't know, you're smiling...
It's the gaiety behind the eyes.
The gaiety?!
[Larry] Yeah, behind the eyes.
I'm-- I'm seeing, like, twinkle and sparkle and not--
Oh, I'm just-- we're just all happy to be together.
[Larry] Okay.
Bring in the stoles!
"Joy to the World"
It's time to sing!
Reach under your seats; you'll find your hymnals.
[Soledad] Oh.
We'll start with the first carol.
-You wanna try it? -You know I wanna try.
Gimme some "Oohs."
-No. -[Nina] 'Cause we get a day off.
-No no no. -[Nina] No?
Okay.
-See, you turned up. -[Nina] I know, I'm sorry.
You turned up so much that you forgot the melody.
[Nina] I know but--
You.
I'm hearing lots of different notes where I need to be hearing
one pitch at a time.
Dylan, we got beef?
I just, you know...
Some-- some of these songs seem a little pejorative.
What's been negative?
Uh, "Black Girl Magic, we all enjoy."
Kind of off-putting.
You don't enjoy Black Girl Magic?
Um...
I don't know how to speak directly to that but...
I-- I guess maybe the intent of the lyric was a little unclear.
I'm happy to unpack the lyric.
This is a part of song interpretation.
Okay, well--
If you don't know what you're singing about...
don't sing!
So this is great.
I'd like you to take it from "Oh, freedom bells."
One, two, three.
-It's hot. -Oh, yeah.
That's an ally.
I feel like we should be saying that with more conviction and,
-like... -[whispering] I know!
-You know, like, "We are sorry." -[whispering] I know!
'Cause I'm sorry!
That was my crazy white side, you know?
[Larry] Oh...
But, listen, I love all people, and we are sorry,
and you know what?
Even better than that, I'm sorry for anybody that's ever had to
suffer; how 'bout that?
Mm.
Um, one more time.
Let's stand up!
One, two, three!
Twerk it out!
Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa!
Hold.
Oh my gosh!
I have given you everything I can.
I trust you all to go out there and sing.
The choir...
becomes our voice now.
[whispering] Yes, yes.
Walked in today five strangers...
Well, we're not strangers, we're all one consciousness,
so there you go.
[woman] Ooh, interesting.
smooth gospel music
[indistinct chatter]
-All right. -One, two, three.
You guys are doing great!
You're doing amazing, sweetie!
It's Ziwe from work!
If you saw where we started...
[choir] Happy Juneteenth to all,
and to all, a good night!
jaunty music
Lift every voice and sing, sure,
but not during my solo.
jaunty music
heartwarming music
[woman VO] Graduations.
Anniversaries.
Birthdays.
Hallmark has been with you for the moments in life that require
more than words.
And we'll continue to be with you with our new...
Reparations Line.
Yes, I said it.
Cards that say "We're sorry."
Cards that say "Whoops!"
Yeah.
Cards that say "Ruh-roh!"
We also have cards for the Haitian immigrants you know and
love who experienced French post-colonialism,
who might really love a thoughtful card.
For when you live in the United States,
or basically anywhere where there's been human enslavement.
Hallmark: for cards that say "That really sucks."
Hallmark: The Reparations Line.
jaunty music
upbeat holiday music
[Ziwe VO] It's the Showtime Celebrates Juneteenth gift
exchange!
[man VO] The following is a mandatory gift exchange between
Ziwe and her employees.
Michelle, do you have a gift for me?
I absolutely do!
Here you go.
Happy Juneteenth, Ziwe!
Wow!
Okay.
It's a framed photo of you and me that says
"Black Women Can Co-Exist," because we can.
Wow.
Briefly after this photo, I think you stabbed me.
Ahh!
I did; it was written in the script, though.
You wrote that episode.
I do take it back.
Apologize.
Okay.
Who else has a gift for Mommy?
Bean Boots.
Oh, thank you!
A Black man with Bean Boots and you're not rich?
I don't know how to answer that.
I'm actually regifting them.
[thud]
Next gift for Mommy?
It's a gift.
Thank you.
[Ike] Uh, it's a snow globe.
Wow!
And, um...
it symbolizes...how in...
uh, the wintertime, it was winter when the Emancipation
Proclamation was proclaimed in 1863 -- New Year's Day.
And so, on this Juneteenth, I...
feel that we should harken back to...
the emancipation...
that happened in the wintertime two years prior to,
um, the original Juneteenth.
-Huh. -[Ronald] Uh-huh.
[Ike] [clears throat]
Can I go home to my family now?
No.
Um...
Yeah, I-- I didn't-- I didn't get you anything.
I just thought, like, sort of like Juneteenth was, like,
a day of, like, commemoration and not, like,
-celebration. -Oh!
But it was a day of freedom so...
-Right. -Some people were happy.
Right.
But were you sad in your culture because you guys lost?
[Sam] [chuckles] No! No, no, that's not--
The Europeans, were they upset?
No, I'm just thinking a lot about,
you know, me and sort of, like, my privilege right now.
-[Michelle] Mm. -[Ziwe] Mm.
-Mm. -Is that good?
Don't make us work to validate you.
Exactly.
-Yeah. -Sure.
Ziwe, because the hours are so good,
we had time to prepare a song.
The hours were rough!
Wow.
[writers] humming "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing"
Beatbox.
-[beatboxing] -[writers] humming
Rap. [laughs]
[dramatic thud]
I think Juneteenth is here to stay
Because Juneteenth every year slays
Nobody wants to know about another day
So long as the day is Juneteenth
Juneteenth, Juneteenth
Hold hands.
Happy Juneteenth, everyone!
White supremacy!
Is...
[all] Is bad!
-Is bad. -[Sam] Is bad.
I agree!
I'm completely in agreement!
I couldn't be more in agreement!
It's bad!
[chuckling] Okay?!
[chuckles]
This is crazy.
-jaunty music -[Santa] Ho ho ho!
Each day, I gotta thank Black people for the bravery
Because as a race, we came back from slavery
Hey!
We dispelled and jumped over your knavery
Damn it, you white folks and your depravery
Not all the white folks sittin' here in the stage
Please don't go into a rage
And off of the page
Here we go for a second
And I know you was thinkin'
"I freed the slaves!"
-That was Lincoln -Ayy!
He only freed the slaves because the economy
And that is something that has got to be
Taught in school and given to add the truth
Who's the guy that killed him?
John Wilkes Booth