1 00:00:05,861 --> 00:00:08,029 -NARRATOR: Imagine meeting yourself. 2 00:00:08,155 --> 00:00:09,239 Who do you see? 3 00:00:09,322 --> 00:00:12,325 ♪♪ 4 00:00:25,756 --> 00:00:28,759 ♪♪ 5 00:00:34,181 --> 00:00:36,016 -It's wrong. -What? 6 00:00:36,099 --> 00:00:37,768 -What? 7 00:00:37,851 --> 00:00:39,478 Really. What? 8 00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:41,938 Look, everything. All right? Everything is wrong. 9 00:00:42,022 --> 00:00:43,732 -Well, I read that every reunion is different. 10 00:00:43,857 --> 00:00:44,900 -Don't call it that. 11 00:00:44,983 --> 00:00:46,526 -What do you want me to call it, Tom? 12 00:00:46,610 --> 00:00:48,403 -I don't know, but it's not a reunion. 13 00:00:48,487 --> 00:00:50,363 -Mm... -I shouldn't have called. 14 00:00:50,447 --> 00:00:52,199 All right? I should have never called. 15 00:00:52,282 --> 00:00:53,992 -I wouldn't be here if you hadn't called. 16 00:00:54,075 --> 00:00:55,994 -That's what I'm saying. 17 00:00:56,077 --> 00:00:57,496 My nose isn't... 18 00:00:59,581 --> 00:01:00,707 I have a... 19 00:01:00,791 --> 00:01:01,958 And your neck! 20 00:01:02,042 --> 00:01:04,377 It's all, like, fuckin' necky. 21 00:01:04,461 --> 00:01:07,756 -We're identical, Tom. 22 00:01:07,839 --> 00:01:11,134 You think this is easy for me, to meet you for the first time? 23 00:01:11,218 --> 00:01:13,345 Well, fuckin' A, it must be easy for you. 24 00:01:13,428 --> 00:01:14,763 If you think you look like me, 25 00:01:14,846 --> 00:01:17,390 it must be like winning a fuckin' jackpot! 26 00:01:18,308 --> 00:01:20,310 -Oh, you're an asshole. 27 00:01:21,019 --> 00:01:24,231 -You can't call me that. -I just did, asshole. 28 00:01:24,272 --> 00:01:27,234 -You... You can't do that. All right? 29 00:01:27,317 --> 00:01:29,444 There's... There's... There's a user agreement. 30 00:01:29,528 --> 00:01:31,196 It's not supposed to be like this. 31 00:01:31,279 --> 00:01:34,366 -Well, what'd you expect, we'd blow each other? 32 00:01:34,449 --> 00:01:39,788 -I saw one of these reunions on the "Today Show." Okay? 33 00:01:39,871 --> 00:01:44,543 A doctor told me about it, said I should see it. 34 00:01:44,626 --> 00:01:48,421 So I YouTube'd the damn thing and... there she was. 35 00:01:48,505 --> 00:01:50,507 [liquid pouring] 36 00:01:50,590 --> 00:01:53,635 National treasure, Hoda Kotb. 37 00:01:53,718 --> 00:01:58,682 She had this old woman on. Ovarian cancer. Her. 38 00:01:58,765 --> 00:02:01,434 They brought out the old woman's twin. 39 00:02:01,518 --> 00:02:05,272 God, they were identical. 40 00:02:05,355 --> 00:02:08,066 Carbon copy. 41 00:02:08,149 --> 00:02:11,695 I mean... there were tears, 42 00:02:11,778 --> 00:02:14,322 and they were holding hands. 43 00:02:14,406 --> 00:02:16,783 And no one could believe it, I mean... 44 00:02:16,867 --> 00:02:19,953 her family was there and they were just... 45 00:02:20,036 --> 00:02:21,538 And it was all like... 46 00:02:25,083 --> 00:02:27,252 That's why we're even here. 47 00:02:27,335 --> 00:02:29,921 That's why I looked up the website. 48 00:02:30,005 --> 00:02:32,173 That's why I called the customer care rep, 49 00:02:32,257 --> 00:02:36,261 paid the 30 grand and agreed to wait six to eight weeks. 50 00:02:36,344 --> 00:02:39,097 It's just all fuckin' wrong. 51 00:02:39,180 --> 00:02:41,600 -Well, like I said, every reunion is different. 52 00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:43,226 -I said don't call it that. 53 00:02:43,310 --> 00:02:45,103 -What would you like for me to call it, Tom? 54 00:02:45,186 --> 00:02:47,480 -I don't know. 55 00:02:47,564 --> 00:02:49,566 A meeting, a.a.a business meeting. 56 00:02:49,649 --> 00:02:51,359 -Well, most of these are done at home. 57 00:02:51,443 --> 00:02:53,069 -Well, I would never let you near my family. 58 00:02:53,153 --> 00:02:54,863 [coughing] 59 00:03:11,504 --> 00:03:13,924 [breathing heavily] 60 00:03:15,300 --> 00:03:17,010 -Look, I'm sorry Hoda Kotb isn't here. 61 00:03:17,093 --> 00:03:18,470 -It's not about Hoda Kotb. 62 00:03:20,096 --> 00:03:24,267 -This was never gonna be like the "Today Show," Tom. 63 00:03:24,351 --> 00:03:27,896 And it's because the company chose that old woman, 64 00:03:27,979 --> 00:03:32,150 because she was sweet and kind, 65 00:03:32,233 --> 00:03:34,653 and she was a good crier, 66 00:03:34,736 --> 00:03:38,865 and she was from Akron, Ohio, and she wasn't an asshole. 67 00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:42,702 You are an asshole, Tom. 68 00:03:42,786 --> 00:03:45,747 And this is your nose, and these are your eyes, 69 00:03:45,830 --> 00:03:49,751 and your neck is pretty fuckin' necky. 70 00:03:49,834 --> 00:03:52,420 I'm sorry to be the one to have to tell you that, but it's true. 71 00:03:52,504 --> 00:03:55,840 -I didn't pay 30 grand to be criticized like this. 72 00:03:55,924 --> 00:03:57,217 I'm calling customer care. 73 00:03:57,300 --> 00:03:58,969 -You know what that could do to me? 74 00:03:59,052 --> 00:04:00,261 -Yes, I do. 75 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,058 Yes, returning customer. 76 00:04:05,141 --> 00:04:06,935 -MAN: [on phone, indistinct] 77 00:04:07,018 --> 00:04:09,020 -Yeah, hi, Bennett, how are you? 78 00:04:09,104 --> 00:04:11,856 My name is Tom Wykgowski. 79 00:04:11,940 --> 00:04:14,401 Account number? I don't have it. 80 00:04:15,318 --> 00:04:16,736 Oh, I can just ask... 81 00:04:18,738 --> 00:04:21,992 -MAN: Tom, are you still there? 82 00:04:22,075 --> 00:04:23,827 Yeah, I'm still here. 83 00:04:24,536 --> 00:04:27,706 -854... 84 00:04:27,789 --> 00:04:32,585 -854... -33... 85 00:04:32,669 --> 00:04:34,796 -33... -2... 86 00:04:34,879 --> 00:04:36,423 -2... -9. 87 00:04:36,506 --> 00:04:37,549 -9. 88 00:04:39,843 --> 00:04:42,637 Yes. Okay. Yes, hi, Bennett. 89 00:04:42,721 --> 00:04:47,517 Yes, he came today. Right. But I paid 30 grand for this... 90 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:51,646 [scoffs] He looks nothing like me. 91 00:04:51,730 --> 00:04:52,772 All right, fine. 92 00:04:52,856 --> 00:04:55,859 You know what? Looks aside... 93 00:04:55,942 --> 00:04:57,652 He acts nothing like me, Bennett. 94 00:04:57,736 --> 00:05:00,488 He's... He's petty, he's sarcastic, 95 00:05:00,572 --> 00:05:02,282 and he's a fuckin' asshole. 96 00:05:02,365 --> 00:05:04,617 No, Bennett, I'm not an asshole. 97 00:05:04,701 --> 00:05:05,952 -[chuckles] 98 00:05:06,036 --> 00:05:08,288 -You can look up my account all you want... 99 00:05:09,497 --> 00:05:10,957 Well, what's an asshole quotient? 100 00:05:11,041 --> 00:05:12,792 And how the hell am I a seven? 101 00:05:12,876 --> 00:05:15,378 Mother... Look, I want my fuckin' money back! 102 00:05:15,462 --> 00:05:17,756 I want a full refund. That's right. 103 00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:20,800 I'll drop him off at the nearest packaging center... 104 00:05:20,884 --> 00:05:23,303 This is supposed to be more like Hoda Kotb! 105 00:05:25,764 --> 00:05:28,016 -How'd that go, Tom? 106 00:05:28,099 --> 00:05:31,561 -Well. [coughing] 107 00:05:36,107 --> 00:05:41,029 Look, the guy from your company said 108 00:05:41,112 --> 00:05:44,449 my asshole quotient is seven. 109 00:05:44,532 --> 00:05:47,452 -You called your daughter's friend a dipshit 110 00:05:47,535 --> 00:05:49,412 two days ago over text to your wife. 111 00:05:49,496 --> 00:05:52,999 -Well, Bailey is a dipshit. -She's four, Tom. 112 00:05:53,083 --> 00:05:55,251 -[sighs] What other quotients are there? 113 00:05:55,335 --> 00:05:58,463 -Anger is a six. 114 00:05:58,546 --> 00:06:00,673 Sarcasm is an eight. 115 00:06:00,757 --> 00:06:03,259 Fear is a nine. 116 00:06:03,343 --> 00:06:05,136 -Who did you even talk to about this? 117 00:06:05,220 --> 00:06:06,763 -Your mom. 118 00:06:06,846 --> 00:06:09,349 -You talked to my mom? 119 00:06:09,432 --> 00:06:11,518 -And I had a lovely time. 120 00:06:11,601 --> 00:06:13,103 -What did she say? 121 00:06:13,186 --> 00:06:14,813 -Well, she told me all about you. 122 00:06:14,896 --> 00:06:17,148 -What did she say? -That's confidential. 123 00:06:17,232 --> 00:06:18,525 -Please. 124 00:06:20,527 --> 00:06:23,822 -She said you picked your nose a lot as a kid. 125 00:06:23,905 --> 00:06:27,492 She said you hated her tuna casserole. 126 00:06:27,575 --> 00:06:30,120 She said she once walked in on you masturbating 127 00:06:30,203 --> 00:06:32,205 to an episode of the "Powerpuff Girls." 128 00:06:32,288 --> 00:06:34,624 -That never happened. 129 00:06:34,707 --> 00:06:36,668 -She said she's angry with you. 130 00:06:36,751 --> 00:06:39,254 She doesn't know why you haven't called her 131 00:06:39,337 --> 00:06:40,797 in five months. 132 00:06:42,423 --> 00:06:43,842 -Does she hate me? 133 00:06:43,925 --> 00:06:45,927 -Why would she hate you? -I don't know. 134 00:06:46,010 --> 00:06:48,138 -Why would your mother hate you? -'Cause I'm leaving. 135 00:06:53,935 --> 00:06:55,645 -But you're not leaving. 136 00:06:57,981 --> 00:06:59,065 -I am, though. 137 00:06:59,149 --> 00:07:00,483 -Tom, you're not leaving. 138 00:07:02,527 --> 00:07:03,611 -I'm leaving. 139 00:07:06,573 --> 00:07:07,991 Four to five months. 140 00:07:09,993 --> 00:07:11,536 That's how long they said I had left, right? 141 00:07:11,619 --> 00:07:13,580 That's what they gave me. -I know that. 142 00:07:13,663 --> 00:07:15,915 But your not leaving. 143 00:07:15,999 --> 00:07:17,542 It's not your choice. 144 00:07:17,625 --> 00:07:19,919 It has nothing to do with you. 145 00:07:20,003 --> 00:07:23,047 Now, of course, she doesn't hate you. 146 00:07:23,131 --> 00:07:24,799 She loves you. 147 00:07:24,883 --> 00:07:27,760 That's why she's angry with you, she just... 148 00:07:27,844 --> 00:07:29,179 wishes you would call. 149 00:07:32,473 --> 00:07:34,017 Look, I know you. 150 00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:36,853 -You don't. -I do. 151 00:07:36,936 --> 00:07:39,189 Parts of you, at least. 152 00:07:39,272 --> 00:07:40,607 And I know that you're not gonna let 153 00:07:40,690 --> 00:07:43,484 30 grand go to waste. 154 00:07:43,568 --> 00:07:47,238 We don't have a lot of time left together, Tom. 155 00:07:47,322 --> 00:07:50,450 We only have about... 15 minutes. 156 00:07:52,660 --> 00:07:54,996 And we have a lot more to cover. 157 00:07:55,079 --> 00:07:57,790 So... 158 00:07:57,874 --> 00:08:00,168 I think we should get started, right? 159 00:08:00,251 --> 00:08:01,461 -Fine. 160 00:08:02,086 --> 00:08:03,796 -Okay. 161 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:08,009 -The accounts can all be accessed 162 00:08:08,092 --> 00:08:10,136 through my computer. -I know. 163 00:08:10,220 --> 00:08:12,931 -So you need to make sure that you're diversifying the fund. 164 00:08:13,014 --> 00:08:15,808 -Class C-53 bonds at a net rate divestment of 165 00:08:15,892 --> 00:08:18,228 34.56 percent market cap. 166 00:08:18,311 --> 00:08:20,521 I spent the morning looking over your books. 167 00:08:20,605 --> 00:08:22,440 -You can't just... 168 00:08:22,523 --> 00:08:25,568 That's 15 years of work. 169 00:08:25,652 --> 00:08:27,403 It took me 15 years to build that. 170 00:08:27,487 --> 00:08:32,283 -And it adds up to a simple algorithm. 171 00:08:32,367 --> 00:08:34,327 Just a simple code. 172 00:08:34,410 --> 00:08:36,746 It's amazing what we spend our time doing. Right? 173 00:08:36,829 --> 00:08:38,289 [chuckles] 174 00:08:38,373 --> 00:08:41,292 Tom, I've poured through millions of your emails, 175 00:08:41,376 --> 00:08:45,129 text messages, photos, home videos, blog posts, 176 00:08:45,213 --> 00:08:48,967 Twitter feeds, pig vid stories, 177 00:08:49,050 --> 00:08:52,303 but I need things that can't be measured. 178 00:08:52,387 --> 00:08:55,807 Or read. Or viewed or seen. 179 00:08:55,890 --> 00:08:58,351 I need things that make you you. 180 00:09:00,728 --> 00:09:01,771 Do you understand? 181 00:09:03,773 --> 00:09:05,817 -I guess. 182 00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:06,859 -Okay. 183 00:09:09,070 --> 00:09:10,822 So, tell me about Kelly. Where'd you two meet? 184 00:09:10,905 --> 00:09:13,408 -You read my questionnaire, you know where we met. 185 00:09:13,491 --> 00:09:15,159 -It's not about where you met. 186 00:09:15,243 --> 00:09:19,205 It's about how you tell me where you met. 187 00:09:19,289 --> 00:09:21,457 What it sounds like in your voice. 188 00:09:21,541 --> 00:09:23,293 What I see in your eyes. 189 00:09:26,129 --> 00:09:28,715 -We met through friends. 190 00:09:28,798 --> 00:09:31,718 We were both living in L.A. and... 191 00:09:31,801 --> 00:09:33,344 we went out on a date. 192 00:09:33,428 --> 00:09:35,430 Like they used to do in the old days. 193 00:09:35,513 --> 00:09:38,516 We got together and... 194 00:09:38,599 --> 00:09:41,978 kind of never got "untogether." 195 00:09:42,061 --> 00:09:43,771 -So what do I need to know about Kelly? 196 00:09:43,855 --> 00:09:45,398 -What kind of question is that? 197 00:09:45,481 --> 00:09:47,275 -The company gives us a list of questions. 198 00:09:47,358 --> 00:09:48,568 This is one of them. 199 00:09:48,651 --> 00:09:50,862 What do I need to know about Kelly? 200 00:09:50,945 --> 00:09:52,989 -This is so stupid. 201 00:09:55,325 --> 00:09:57,702 Okay. 202 00:09:57,785 --> 00:09:59,996 What you need to know about Kelly is... 203 00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:06,294 she's allergic to meat. 204 00:10:06,377 --> 00:10:08,504 -[chuckles] -Which, if you ask her, 205 00:10:08,588 --> 00:10:11,549 she'll tell you that does not mean 206 00:10:11,632 --> 00:10:13,551 she's a vegetarian. 207 00:10:13,634 --> 00:10:18,973 She loves hamburgers and pork chops, tenderloins. 208 00:10:19,057 --> 00:10:21,684 She just gets a nasty rash afterwards. 209 00:10:21,768 --> 00:10:24,103 -So, do I cook her a steak dinner or not? 210 00:10:24,187 --> 00:10:26,105 -[scoffs] You're fucked either way. 211 00:10:26,189 --> 00:10:27,607 -[chuckles] 212 00:10:30,026 --> 00:10:31,069 What else? 213 00:10:33,738 --> 00:10:35,740 -Kelly loves to sing. 214 00:10:38,451 --> 00:10:40,286 But is so self-conscious about it 215 00:10:40,370 --> 00:10:42,747 that she pretends she has a terrible voice 216 00:10:42,830 --> 00:10:44,665 and won't even try. 217 00:10:47,210 --> 00:10:50,213 So you have to have Alexa play show tunes 218 00:10:50,296 --> 00:10:55,343 like "Music Man" or "Oklahoma!", 219 00:10:55,426 --> 00:10:57,804 "Guys And Dolls," 220 00:10:57,887 --> 00:11:00,848 anything with Doris Day or Vera Lynn. 221 00:11:00,932 --> 00:11:06,062 And then... [chuckles] 222 00:11:06,145 --> 00:11:08,523 She won't be able to help herself. 223 00:11:09,315 --> 00:11:10,358 -[chuckles] 224 00:11:12,443 --> 00:11:14,362 -It's so beautiful. 225 00:11:19,033 --> 00:11:20,660 I'm gonna miss hearing her sing. 226 00:11:23,579 --> 00:11:25,373 Gonna miss hearing a lot of things. 227 00:11:31,629 --> 00:11:34,215 Kelly is a great mom. 228 00:11:37,718 --> 00:11:42,014 Like... a really great mom. 229 00:11:45,143 --> 00:11:48,146 She can anticipate anything. 230 00:11:48,229 --> 00:11:49,147 [sniffles] 231 00:11:49,230 --> 00:11:52,525 And the kids love being around her. 232 00:11:52,608 --> 00:11:55,486 So you have to let her give them their bath. 233 00:11:55,570 --> 00:11:58,448 You have to let her put 'em to bed. 234 00:12:00,116 --> 00:12:04,495 You have to let her read 'em their stories. 235 00:12:04,579 --> 00:12:08,374 And don't get upset if they ask for her when they wake up, 236 00:12:08,458 --> 00:12:13,212 or if they ask for her before they go to bed. 237 00:12:13,296 --> 00:12:15,756 Because they still love you. Me. 238 00:12:18,426 --> 00:12:19,844 It's just different. 239 00:12:22,763 --> 00:12:26,017 And I can't get mad because... 240 00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:28,102 I would love her more than me, too. 241 00:12:31,981 --> 00:12:33,024 -Hm. 242 00:12:34,984 --> 00:12:37,695 -I do love her more than me. 243 00:12:40,907 --> 00:12:43,993 That's why I paid the 30 grand. 244 00:12:44,076 --> 00:12:46,370 [sniffles] 245 00:12:46,454 --> 00:12:48,164 When we saw the thing... 246 00:12:50,875 --> 00:12:52,710 Hoda Kotb was... 247 00:12:57,798 --> 00:13:01,719 I just didn't want her to be alone. 248 00:13:01,802 --> 00:13:02,887 -Mm-hm. 249 00:13:05,181 --> 00:13:07,183 -[chuckles] 250 00:13:09,810 --> 00:13:11,229 Kelly farts, man. 251 00:13:11,312 --> 00:13:12,688 [laughing] 252 00:13:12,772 --> 00:13:15,024 God, she really does fart. 253 00:13:15,107 --> 00:13:17,568 It's the silent ones. Code red. 254 00:13:17,652 --> 00:13:19,737 [laughing] 255 00:13:19,820 --> 00:13:22,323 Those are the ones you gotta watch out for. 256 00:13:22,406 --> 00:13:24,450 Can you smell? -Technically. 257 00:13:24,534 --> 00:13:27,828 -God. Then I apologize ahead of time. 258 00:13:27,912 --> 00:13:30,581 -[laughs] 259 00:13:30,665 --> 00:13:32,291 -I'll even miss her farts. 260 00:13:33,626 --> 00:13:35,628 [both laughing] 261 00:13:37,838 --> 00:13:40,383 -What about Wilder? 262 00:13:40,466 --> 00:13:42,218 -Wilder. -Mm-hm. 263 00:13:42,301 --> 00:13:44,762 -My boy. 264 00:13:44,845 --> 00:13:46,722 Wilder is a genius. 265 00:13:46,806 --> 00:13:51,018 Like, he... he's really smart. 266 00:13:51,102 --> 00:13:54,355 Now, you know how every parent thinks their kid is a g... 267 00:13:54,438 --> 00:13:55,982 Well, you don't know, but every parent thinks 268 00:13:56,065 --> 00:13:57,358 their kid is a genius, 269 00:13:57,441 --> 00:13:59,860 but Wilder really is, I mean, he's... 270 00:14:02,780 --> 00:14:03,823 He's a genius. 271 00:14:06,242 --> 00:14:07,785 He's really kind. 272 00:14:10,454 --> 00:14:11,872 So kind. 273 00:14:15,543 --> 00:14:17,253 And he loves not knowing things, 274 00:14:17,336 --> 00:14:20,756 which is really hard because he's a genius. 275 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:23,509 But he loves it. 276 00:14:23,593 --> 00:14:27,096 Because he loves discovering new things. 277 00:14:27,179 --> 00:14:30,641 He'll go down a Wikipedia worm hole 278 00:14:30,725 --> 00:14:32,143 for a week, 279 00:14:32,226 --> 00:14:37,815 and become an expert on the most random things. 280 00:14:37,898 --> 00:14:41,319 Pez dispensers and Micronesia. 281 00:14:49,744 --> 00:14:50,953 Or lymphoma. 282 00:14:54,415 --> 00:14:58,210 And he loves playing with his action figures, 283 00:14:58,294 --> 00:14:59,629 making stories up, 284 00:14:59,712 --> 00:15:03,299 and I... I love watching him. 285 00:15:03,382 --> 00:15:05,259 But he gets embarrassed if he knows... 286 00:15:05,343 --> 00:15:08,346 if he knows I'm there, so... 287 00:15:08,429 --> 00:15:09,805 I can't let him know. 288 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,436 Sometimes, when he knows I'm there, 289 00:15:15,519 --> 00:15:20,483 he'll call the figures Dad and Wilder, 290 00:15:20,566 --> 00:15:24,570 and he'll make 'em go on these incredible journeys, 291 00:15:26,030 --> 00:15:29,909 these incredible... incredible adventures, 292 00:15:29,992 --> 00:15:32,495 all because he knows I'm watching, 293 00:15:32,578 --> 00:15:35,498 and he knows it makes me so happy. 294 00:15:37,333 --> 00:15:38,751 -I don't know, Tom. 295 00:15:39,418 --> 00:15:42,713 I don't know that he knows you're watching. 296 00:15:42,797 --> 00:15:44,757 I think he just does that. 297 00:15:46,967 --> 00:15:49,261 -[sniffles] Yeah. 298 00:15:50,596 --> 00:15:54,225 He loves when I get him Rocky Road ice cream 299 00:15:54,308 --> 00:15:56,727 from Carvel. [chuckles] 300 00:15:56,811 --> 00:16:00,898 And he hates when I'm on the phone for work. 301 00:16:03,818 --> 00:16:05,361 I'm on the phone too much. 302 00:16:06,153 --> 00:16:08,197 -So I'll be on the phone too much. 303 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:09,281 -No. 304 00:16:13,494 --> 00:16:16,580 He'll be really strong for Kelly and Peg. 305 00:16:21,252 --> 00:16:22,837 -And Peg. 306 00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:24,880 -[chuckles] 307 00:16:27,299 --> 00:16:29,969 Peg. 308 00:16:30,052 --> 00:16:33,389 She's the boss, man. She's the commander in chief. 309 00:16:33,472 --> 00:16:37,768 My little girl, the... the... the queen of the castle. 310 00:16:37,852 --> 00:16:39,186 And tough as nails. 311 00:16:40,312 --> 00:16:43,524 I remember when the adoption agency brought her home, 312 00:16:43,607 --> 00:16:48,863 and I held her in my arms, this... this little creature. 313 00:16:48,946 --> 00:16:51,115 I held her in my arms, man. 314 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:55,995 And that little heartbeat 315 00:16:56,078 --> 00:17:00,666 told me everything I needed to know; 316 00:17:00,750 --> 00:17:03,294 all the secrets, all the instructions, 317 00:17:03,377 --> 00:17:06,964 and from then on... [chuckles] 318 00:17:07,047 --> 00:17:08,090 She's like me. 319 00:17:13,763 --> 00:17:15,723 For better or for worse, 320 00:17:15,806 --> 00:17:17,057 she's a little me. 321 00:17:19,602 --> 00:17:22,813 [laughing] 322 00:17:22,897 --> 00:17:25,316 Peg won't go to bed 323 00:17:25,399 --> 00:17:31,739 unless you give her three kisses on her cheek... 324 00:17:31,822 --> 00:17:36,327 two kisses on her forehead... 325 00:17:36,410 --> 00:17:38,454 and one little kiss on her nose. 326 00:17:42,082 --> 00:17:46,170 And Peg's not scared of anything. 327 00:17:46,253 --> 00:17:51,634 Which sounds like what you'd want from your kids, 328 00:17:51,717 --> 00:17:53,511 but what you actually want is for your kids 329 00:17:53,594 --> 00:17:56,180 to be scared of certain things. 330 00:17:56,263 --> 00:18:00,935 Like raccoons by the trashcan or a hot stove or... 331 00:18:01,018 --> 00:18:04,271 speeding cars or heights and... 332 00:18:04,355 --> 00:18:08,484 you just can't let her out of your sight. 333 00:18:08,567 --> 00:18:09,610 Ever. 334 00:18:16,742 --> 00:18:19,245 Which seems like a task but... 335 00:18:22,915 --> 00:18:26,252 now... I wish... 336 00:18:26,335 --> 00:18:29,797 -You'll never have to let her out of your sight again. 337 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:33,968 -Oh. And me and Peg have this... this secret handshake. 338 00:18:35,636 --> 00:18:36,679 So it's... 339 00:18:39,265 --> 00:18:41,642 One, two, three. 340 00:18:41,725 --> 00:18:44,645 One, two. One. 341 00:18:46,063 --> 00:18:47,648 You got it? 342 00:18:47,731 --> 00:18:48,816 Okay, faster. 343 00:18:52,945 --> 00:18:54,697 [chuckling] 344 00:18:57,283 --> 00:18:58,367 Yeah. 345 00:19:03,038 --> 00:19:05,124 -Well, it sounds nice. 346 00:19:07,209 --> 00:19:08,586 -What's that? 347 00:19:08,669 --> 00:19:10,421 -Being here. 348 00:19:10,504 --> 00:19:14,466 Being you, just... being. 349 00:19:14,550 --> 00:19:15,593 -Yeah. 350 00:19:17,344 --> 00:19:18,429 It's nice. 351 00:19:20,556 --> 00:19:23,142 Sometimes hard. 352 00:19:23,225 --> 00:19:26,562 But I guess it beats the alternative, right? 353 00:19:30,774 --> 00:19:32,693 -Tom. 354 00:19:32,776 --> 00:19:34,904 -Yeah, Tom? 355 00:19:34,987 --> 00:19:36,196 -I'm glad you're here. 356 00:19:38,282 --> 00:19:41,535 I'm happy that you... you get to be. 357 00:19:47,124 --> 00:19:49,126 -I'm nervous. -About what? 358 00:19:49,209 --> 00:19:52,880 -Well, that I won't be just like you. 359 00:19:52,963 --> 00:19:55,883 That I'm gonna be imperfect or... 360 00:19:55,966 --> 00:19:57,426 gonna do something wrong. 361 00:19:58,636 --> 00:20:00,220 -Then you'll be just like me. 362 00:20:03,807 --> 00:20:06,226 Shit, I'm nervous, too. 363 00:20:06,310 --> 00:20:07,770 -About what? 364 00:20:07,853 --> 00:20:11,023 -That you'll be just like me. 365 00:20:11,106 --> 00:20:12,942 -I don't understand. 366 00:20:13,025 --> 00:20:15,569 -Yeah, and then they'll forget about me. 367 00:20:15,653 --> 00:20:18,322 -They'll never forget you. 368 00:20:18,405 --> 00:20:21,283 -How do you know? 369 00:20:21,367 --> 00:20:25,663 -Because I'll make sure that I won't be just like you; 370 00:20:25,746 --> 00:20:28,666 that when Peg asks for a kiss goodnight, 371 00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:32,378 I'll give her two kisses on the cheek instead of three. 372 00:20:32,461 --> 00:20:35,923 And when Wilder asks for Carvel, 373 00:20:36,006 --> 00:20:38,384 I'll bring him Cookies and Cream 374 00:20:38,467 --> 00:20:41,011 instead of Rocky Road. -[chuckles] 375 00:20:42,137 --> 00:20:45,015 -And when Kelly farts loudly, 376 00:20:45,099 --> 00:20:46,558 I'll call it a code red 377 00:20:46,642 --> 00:20:49,103 that just for a moment... -[chuckling] 378 00:20:50,771 --> 00:20:53,565 -They'll remember. 379 00:20:53,649 --> 00:20:56,860 And I might look like you, sound like you, 380 00:20:56,944 --> 00:20:59,279 feel like you, but... 381 00:21:01,448 --> 00:21:02,658 I'm not you. 382 00:21:03,951 --> 00:21:05,119 Never will be. 383 00:21:06,996 --> 00:21:08,455 I never could be. 384 00:21:09,415 --> 00:21:13,085 -But what if... what if they send you back? 385 00:21:13,168 --> 00:21:15,087 What if they say there's an error, 386 00:21:15,170 --> 00:21:16,797 and they have to send a new you, 387 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,008 and you have to teach him how to be Tom? 388 00:21:20,009 --> 00:21:22,177 -Yeah, but I still would have been Kelly's husband. 389 00:21:23,887 --> 00:21:27,349 I still would have been Wilder and Peg's dad. 390 00:21:29,309 --> 00:21:30,936 I still would have been. 391 00:21:32,312 --> 00:21:33,981 For a little while. 392 00:21:36,859 --> 00:21:39,445 -And you know... You know what else? 393 00:21:39,528 --> 00:21:41,488 You know what I realize? 394 00:21:41,572 --> 00:21:42,906 -What's that, Tom? 395 00:21:45,409 --> 00:21:47,828 -You're the luckiest man in the world. 396 00:21:50,748 --> 00:21:53,584 -Well, that makes you... -That's right. 397 00:21:54,460 --> 00:21:55,502 I think I am. 398 00:22:01,258 --> 00:22:03,343 -We're out of time, Tom. 399 00:22:03,427 --> 00:22:07,014 -Yeah, I've been hearing that a lot lately. 400 00:22:07,097 --> 00:22:09,016 -Anything else you want to add? 401 00:22:09,099 --> 00:22:10,893 -Everything. 402 00:22:10,976 --> 00:22:13,812 I want to add... everything. 403 00:22:16,523 --> 00:22:18,859 But there isn't time, is there? 404 00:22:24,031 --> 00:22:25,240 See? 405 00:22:27,201 --> 00:22:28,660 This is what I imagined. 406 00:22:28,744 --> 00:22:30,537 [chuckling] 407 00:22:30,621 --> 00:22:33,791 When I saw the Hoda Kotb thing, when I called... 408 00:22:36,418 --> 00:22:37,711 This feels right. 409 00:22:42,841 --> 00:22:44,676 -Tom. 410 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:46,053 -Yeah. 411 00:22:47,638 --> 00:22:50,099 -I'm sorry I called you an asshole. 412 00:22:50,891 --> 00:22:52,267 -I am an asshole. 413 00:22:52,351 --> 00:22:55,521 -No. You're just a person. 414 00:22:55,604 --> 00:22:56,980 A human being. 415 00:22:58,315 --> 00:23:01,902 That isn't always easy. And that's okay. 416 00:23:03,403 --> 00:23:05,280 -And, Tom. -Yeah. 417 00:23:06,782 --> 00:23:08,200 -I'm glad I got you. 418 00:23:10,577 --> 00:23:12,454 I mean, I'm glad I'm you. 419 00:23:14,123 --> 00:23:15,165 -Me, too. 420 00:23:18,752 --> 00:23:19,795 Me, too. 421 00:23:24,967 --> 00:23:27,970 ♪♪