1 00:00:05,317 --> 00:00:07,820 (organ plays) 2 00:00:39,143 --> 00:00:40,728 -Hi. 3 00:00:40,811 --> 00:00:44,608 -Rachel Brosnahan! Lookin' good! 4 00:00:45,859 --> 00:00:48,277 (whispering) 5 00:01:04,251 --> 00:01:05,629 (phone vibrating) 6 00:01:13,427 --> 00:01:14,930 (camera shutter clicking) 7 00:01:15,013 --> 00:01:16,680 -Mommy's coming. 8 00:01:16,764 --> 00:01:18,641 (camera shutter clicking) 9 00:01:19,517 --> 00:01:21,936 (chuckles) 10 00:01:23,688 --> 00:01:25,022 (camera shutter clicking) 11 00:01:54,135 --> 00:01:56,512 -Yearly departed.... 12 00:01:56,596 --> 00:01:58,849 We have gathered all you ladies here today 13 00:01:58,932 --> 00:02:02,352 because 2020 was a trifling ho. 14 00:02:02,435 --> 00:02:05,480 And together we are going to lay this motherfucker 15 00:02:05,564 --> 00:02:07,941 of a year to rest. 16 00:02:08,023 --> 00:02:10,861 Because 2020 took so much from us: 17 00:02:10,944 --> 00:02:12,946 But I'm here today to also remind you 18 00:02:13,029 --> 00:02:15,197 that 2020 gave us so much... 19 00:02:15,281 --> 00:02:16,323 -Banana bread. -Yum. 20 00:02:16,408 --> 00:02:18,535 -Insomnia. -Yep. 21 00:02:18,618 --> 00:02:19,952 And a sixth sense to know when 22 00:02:20,035 --> 00:02:21,579 someone is standing six feet away from you. 23 00:02:21,662 --> 00:02:25,792 BT dubs, six feet equals one Sterling K. Brown. 24 00:02:25,875 --> 00:02:28,795 -Just happy to be useful, ladies. Don't mind me! 25 00:02:28,879 --> 00:02:30,839 Thanks, Ster-ster. 26 00:02:30,922 --> 00:02:33,048 What a chocolate daddy he is. 27 00:02:33,132 --> 00:02:34,633 -He hot. 28 00:02:34,718 --> 00:02:37,345 -While we were all unproductive slob kabobs, 29 00:02:37,429 --> 00:02:40,932 2020 was out here doing all of the things. 30 00:02:41,016 --> 00:02:44,227 A global pandemic, mass unemployment, 31 00:02:44,310 --> 00:02:47,188 worldwide protests, wildfires, 32 00:02:47,272 --> 00:02:49,607 murder hornets, Megxit, Brexit. 33 00:02:49,691 --> 00:02:53,445 Yes, all of that happened this year. 34 00:02:53,528 --> 00:02:56,572 This 56-month-long year. 35 00:02:56,655 --> 00:02:59,326 And although so many were divided this year 36 00:02:59,409 --> 00:03:03,287 about whose lives mattered and if wiping down groceries 37 00:03:03,370 --> 00:03:05,540 was really necessary 38 00:03:05,624 --> 00:03:07,250 and bitch, yes it was. 39 00:03:07,333 --> 00:03:11,504 We did have one common enemy: 40 00:03:11,588 --> 00:03:14,590 the iPhone Weekly Screen Time Notification. 41 00:03:14,673 --> 00:03:16,508 I don't need to get dragged like that. 42 00:03:16,593 --> 00:03:19,595 -Thank you, let me live. -Yeah. Let her live. 43 00:03:19,679 --> 00:03:21,764 -2020... -(organ plays) 44 00:03:21,847 --> 00:03:24,475 You were a big ol' dick. 45 00:03:24,559 --> 00:03:28,271 And we are here to tell you to rest in peace 46 00:03:28,355 --> 00:03:31,107 even though you destroyed every little ounce of ours. 47 00:03:31,191 --> 00:03:32,650 -Yes! 48 00:03:32,733 --> 00:03:36,446 -So now, in the spirit of collective healing, 49 00:03:36,529 --> 00:03:38,114 I'm turning it over to you, 50 00:03:38,197 --> 00:03:42,410 to share about what you lost in 2020. 51 00:03:42,494 --> 00:03:44,620 All right, let's get this year off our chests 52 00:03:44,703 --> 00:03:46,039 and out of our minds, huh? 53 00:03:46,121 --> 00:03:47,165 -Yeah! -Yes. 54 00:03:47,248 --> 00:03:48,749 -Let's do it. -Great. 55 00:03:48,833 --> 00:03:52,252 First to say a few words about something dear to her: 56 00:03:52,337 --> 00:03:56,256 please welcome the iconic Tiffany Haddish. 57 00:03:56,340 --> 00:03:57,383 (scattered applause) 58 00:04:04,641 --> 00:04:06,809 -Thank you. Thank you. 59 00:04:06,893 --> 00:04:10,897 I'm here to bid farewell 60 00:04:10,981 --> 00:04:14,191 to casual sex. 61 00:04:14,274 --> 00:04:17,987 This is extremely hard and I apologize 62 00:04:18,071 --> 00:04:21,533 if I have to cut my remarks short. 63 00:04:21,616 --> 00:04:23,451 I'm still in complete shock. 64 00:04:23,535 --> 00:04:25,828 Utterly devastated, 65 00:04:25,912 --> 00:04:29,540 and so, so horny. 66 00:04:29,624 --> 00:04:31,251 -Mm-hmm. 67 00:04:31,333 --> 00:04:34,254 -Casual sex was my rock. 68 00:04:34,337 --> 00:04:39,425 It was there for me in my darkest times: 69 00:04:39,508 --> 00:04:41,302 After heartbreak. 70 00:04:41,386 --> 00:04:43,888 After bombing onstage. 71 00:04:43,972 --> 00:04:46,725 After my 10-year high school reunion. 72 00:04:46,807 --> 00:04:49,643 And I was married then. It was a casual marriage. 73 00:04:49,727 --> 00:04:50,728 -Amen. 74 00:04:50,770 --> 00:04:52,646 -I'll never forget that feeling 75 00:04:52,730 --> 00:04:56,066 that incredible feeling of being on top of someone, 76 00:04:56,150 --> 00:04:58,153 feeling that rush of passion, 77 00:04:58,236 --> 00:05:00,030 staring deeply into their eyes, 78 00:05:00,112 --> 00:05:03,323 and wondering what is his name. 79 00:05:03,408 --> 00:05:04,951 -Mm-hmm. 80 00:05:05,035 --> 00:05:07,244 -But then quarantine happened: 81 00:05:07,328 --> 00:05:10,581 and Casual Sex was suddenly gone. 82 00:05:10,665 --> 00:05:13,126 Just gone. 83 00:05:13,208 --> 00:05:14,710 They said it would be a couple weeks 84 00:05:14,794 --> 00:05:17,129 and I was like, okay. 85 00:05:17,213 --> 00:05:19,631 I thought to myself: this'll be good. 86 00:05:19,715 --> 00:05:21,133 This is a chance for me to heal, 87 00:05:21,217 --> 00:05:23,595 get my spirit, my soul together. 88 00:05:23,677 --> 00:05:27,265 Maybe learn to do the splits so the next time 89 00:05:27,347 --> 00:05:29,434 I see some... baya, you feel me? 90 00:05:29,516 --> 00:05:31,643 Baya! -Hell, yeah, bitch. 91 00:05:31,727 --> 00:05:34,855 -Maybe in the meantime I'll join a fuckpod. 92 00:05:34,939 --> 00:05:37,566 The only problem is once you enter a fuckpod, 93 00:05:37,650 --> 00:05:40,862 you can't leave your fuckpod. 94 00:05:40,944 --> 00:05:44,157 If you leave, you've got to get a nasal swab 95 00:05:44,239 --> 00:05:45,533 and two weeks of isolation 96 00:05:45,617 --> 00:05:47,994 before you can even shake hands. 97 00:05:50,496 --> 00:05:54,292 Sorry, the word "hands"... I just... 98 00:05:54,374 --> 00:05:56,710 It's a lot for me right now. 99 00:05:56,795 --> 00:06:01,256 Cause you know hands. Big hands, small hands. 100 00:06:01,340 --> 00:06:03,093 I like small hands on a man, 101 00:06:03,175 --> 00:06:04,843 'cause it makes my breasts feel big. 102 00:06:04,927 --> 00:06:08,347 You know what? That's not what we're here about. 103 00:06:08,431 --> 00:06:13,436 If God forbid you want to leave your fuckpod for a fuckboy, 104 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:17,189 you had to ask yourself, 105 00:06:17,273 --> 00:06:21,194 are they cute enough for me to die in about three weeks? 106 00:06:21,276 --> 00:06:23,530 Possibly. 107 00:06:23,612 --> 00:06:26,866 And I stopped watching TV. I just stopped it. 108 00:06:26,949 --> 00:06:30,119 Because at this point, all shows turn me on. 109 00:06:30,203 --> 00:06:31,371 Planet Earth. 110 00:06:31,453 --> 00:06:33,164 Kingdom of Plants 3D. 111 00:06:33,247 --> 00:06:36,792 I love that British nature man's voice. 112 00:06:36,876 --> 00:06:38,001 Is there something wrong with me? 113 00:06:38,085 --> 00:06:39,379 -No there is not. 114 00:06:39,462 --> 00:06:41,256 -And I don't know if it's because 115 00:06:41,338 --> 00:06:43,215 I like the way frogs fuck, 116 00:06:43,299 --> 00:06:46,427 or the way a gazelle rides another gazelle. 117 00:06:46,511 --> 00:06:49,597 Have you ever watched crickets do it? 118 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:51,975 It's amazing. -Oh, totally. 119 00:06:52,057 --> 00:06:56,311 -And that's when it him me. Casual sex is not coming back. 120 00:06:56,396 --> 00:06:59,607 At first, I was actually okay with it. 121 00:06:59,691 --> 00:07:02,443 There's something about men wearing a mask 122 00:07:02,526 --> 00:07:06,489 and staying six feet away that's such a turn on for me. 123 00:07:06,573 --> 00:07:08,073 -Same. 124 00:07:08,158 --> 00:07:09,533 -Girl, you know what I'm saying? 125 00:07:09,617 --> 00:07:11,160 I think it's something about them not talking. 126 00:07:11,244 --> 00:07:13,371 -Yep. -But that doesn't matter. 127 00:07:13,453 --> 00:07:16,040 -Going on a hike without a face mask is the new 128 00:07:16,124 --> 00:07:18,333 fucking without a condom. 129 00:07:18,417 --> 00:07:20,127 The sad truth is 130 00:07:20,210 --> 00:07:25,008 nothing can fully replace casual sex. 131 00:07:25,090 --> 00:07:29,179 Without it, I'm a stranger to myself. 132 00:07:29,261 --> 00:07:30,597 Okay? 133 00:07:30,679 --> 00:07:32,432 I don't know who I am anymore. 134 00:07:32,515 --> 00:07:35,143 I'm lost. 135 00:07:35,225 --> 00:07:37,352 I got on Bumble, y'all. 136 00:07:37,436 --> 00:07:39,021 I ended up meeting somebody. 137 00:07:39,105 --> 00:07:42,650 He got tested, I got tested. 138 00:07:42,734 --> 00:07:48,239 -I'm in a relationship now. -Tiffany... 139 00:07:48,323 --> 00:07:50,867 -I promised myself 140 00:07:50,949 --> 00:07:53,535 that I wouldn't do that. 141 00:07:53,619 --> 00:07:58,374 I just know that someday, 142 00:07:58,458 --> 00:08:03,338 casual sex... 143 00:08:03,420 --> 00:08:06,215 and I will meet again. 144 00:08:06,299 --> 00:08:11,970 And this time, I won't take you for granted. 145 00:08:12,054 --> 00:08:17,352 I will let you put it in my butts, 146 00:08:17,434 --> 00:08:20,855 for two-and-a-half seconds. 147 00:08:20,939 --> 00:08:23,650 And I will pretend to like it. 148 00:08:26,194 --> 00:08:28,446 Until then... 149 00:08:28,528 --> 00:08:33,534 casual sex is survived by mutual masturbation over FaceTime, 150 00:08:34,577 --> 00:08:37,121 and woke conversations. 151 00:08:37,204 --> 00:08:38,872 Thank you so much. 152 00:08:39,373 --> 00:08:40,791 (organ plays) 153 00:08:44,545 --> 00:08:47,298 -Wow. That was so beautiful, Tiff. 154 00:08:47,381 --> 00:08:50,260 Thank you for sharing your truth. 155 00:08:50,343 --> 00:08:51,218 -Thank you. 156 00:08:51,301 --> 00:08:52,844 -Of course. 157 00:08:52,929 --> 00:08:54,805 And I think I speak for everyone when I say 158 00:08:54,889 --> 00:08:58,434 I'm kind of offended that no one asked me to join their fuckpod. 159 00:08:58,517 --> 00:09:01,353 -I'm bouncing between three fuckpods right now. 160 00:09:01,437 --> 00:09:03,856 -Okay, I don't think that's how that works. 161 00:09:03,939 --> 00:09:05,565 -Oh, it works. 162 00:09:05,650 --> 00:09:07,360 -Anyway, I think it's important to remember 163 00:09:07,443 --> 00:09:10,947 that while we said goodbye to things we'll dearly miss, 164 00:09:11,030 --> 00:09:14,617 this year claimed some victims we're glad as hell are gone. 165 00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:16,660 Like buffets. 166 00:09:16,743 --> 00:09:20,080 And blowing out birthday candles. 167 00:09:20,164 --> 00:09:23,668 So now, to pay her respects to something long overdue, 168 00:09:23,751 --> 00:09:27,088 my queen, Natasha Rothwell. 169 00:09:27,421 --> 00:09:30,299 (organ plays, applause) 170 00:09:38,308 --> 00:09:42,978 -We are gathered here today to say goodbye to TV cops. 171 00:09:43,061 --> 00:09:48,525 TV cops lived in a magical, beautiful world where 172 00:09:48,608 --> 00:09:52,322 they were the ones who solved crimes. 173 00:09:52,405 --> 00:09:55,198 How cute. 174 00:09:55,282 --> 00:09:58,995 TV cops lived a simple life, they were the heroes. 175 00:09:59,078 --> 00:10:01,997 And only ever occasionally broke the rules 176 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,583 in the name of justice. 177 00:10:04,666 --> 00:10:06,209 They went by many names: 178 00:10:06,294 --> 00:10:10,006 Starsky, Hutch. Cagney, Lacey. 179 00:10:10,088 --> 00:10:12,467 -Those little Paw Patrol assholes. 180 00:10:12,549 --> 00:10:15,428 -Yeah, those motherfuckers, too. Turner, Hooch. 181 00:10:15,511 --> 00:10:18,180 Sherlock. Even weird, alien, 182 00:10:18,264 --> 00:10:20,808 sexy Benedict Cumberbatch Sherlock. 183 00:10:20,891 --> 00:10:22,809 -Benedict Cumberbatch is hot. 184 00:10:22,894 --> 00:10:24,227 -So hot. 185 00:10:24,312 --> 00:10:25,979 -And they came in so many different pairings. 186 00:10:26,064 --> 00:10:28,065 Big cop, small cop. 187 00:10:28,149 --> 00:10:30,734 Old cop, rookie cop. Good cop, bad cop. 188 00:10:30,818 --> 00:10:31,861 Or as black folks called them, 189 00:10:31,944 --> 00:10:34,155 bad cop, bad cop, bad cop, bad cop. 190 00:10:35,030 --> 00:10:37,282 As we bid farewell to TV cops, 191 00:10:37,367 --> 00:10:40,620 we must also bid farewell to buddy cops. 192 00:10:40,703 --> 00:10:43,205 If you want a cop to be your buddy, 193 00:10:43,289 --> 00:10:47,459 you have to be a white teenager with a gun. 194 00:10:47,543 --> 00:10:49,045 And they'll take you to Burger King! 195 00:10:50,128 --> 00:10:52,589 - Mmm-mm-mm. 196 00:10:54,592 --> 00:10:59,429 The hard part for me is 197 00:10:59,514 --> 00:11:02,849 there were TV cops that I really loved! 198 00:11:02,934 --> 00:11:06,187 You know, I'll miss rooting for McNulty 199 00:11:06,270 --> 00:11:09,314 on my 8th re-watch of The Wire. 200 00:11:09,399 --> 00:11:13,151 Even when he was bad, he was endearing. 201 00:11:13,236 --> 00:11:16,405 Was it his jawline? I don't know. 202 00:11:16,488 --> 00:11:21,202 And I'll miss loving Carl Winslow. 203 00:11:21,285 --> 00:11:25,580 Carl Winslow! 2020, ruined Carl Winslow! 204 00:11:25,665 --> 00:11:27,666 -Can we keep Carl Winslow? 205 00:11:27,750 --> 00:11:29,251 -No, honey, no. 206 00:11:29,334 --> 00:11:30,586 They're gone. 207 00:11:30,670 --> 00:11:32,838 They're all gone. 208 00:11:32,921 --> 00:11:35,341 If I'm gonna be honest, TV cops, I'm surprised 209 00:11:35,424 --> 00:11:37,968 you survived as long as you did. 210 00:11:38,051 --> 00:11:42,265 But by the grace of executive producer Dick Wolf, 211 00:11:42,347 --> 00:11:43,849 you guys lasted longer than 212 00:11:43,933 --> 00:11:45,476 "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." 213 00:11:45,559 --> 00:11:46,560 -Mmm. 214 00:11:46,644 --> 00:11:47,936 -With that said, 215 00:11:48,020 --> 00:11:50,647 I want to extend my deepest condolences to 216 00:11:50,731 --> 00:11:52,315 recent theater school grads. 217 00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:55,944 Look, I know you had you heart set on 218 00:11:56,027 --> 00:12:00,323 making your television debut as a dead sex worker, 219 00:12:00,407 --> 00:12:03,953 or a doorman, or a doorman who's also a dead sex worker, 220 00:12:04,035 --> 00:12:07,247 but today, I want to remember the good times. 221 00:12:07,330 --> 00:12:11,669 TV Cops, you always knew how to make me laugh as a kid, 222 00:12:11,751 --> 00:12:15,631 and you knew how to make me laugh even harder as an adult. 223 00:12:15,714 --> 00:12:18,134 Like when one of you said 224 00:12:18,217 --> 00:12:22,054 "If you break the law, you break the law. 225 00:12:22,137 --> 00:12:24,973 We're gonna treat everyone equally." 226 00:12:25,057 --> 00:12:26,224 (laughing) 227 00:12:37,652 --> 00:12:39,988 Oh, shit, in retrospect, 228 00:12:40,072 --> 00:12:42,949 that was the funniest shit I have ever heard 229 00:12:43,034 --> 00:12:45,035 in my Black life. 230 00:12:45,118 --> 00:12:47,163 Where do they come up with that? 231 00:12:47,246 --> 00:12:50,500 Oh, speaking of coming up with shit, 232 00:12:50,583 --> 00:12:53,001 now that TV Cops are dead, 233 00:12:53,084 --> 00:12:55,420 network TV is going to have a void to fill. 234 00:12:55,505 --> 00:12:58,131 So I've taken the liberty of coming up with a few shows 235 00:12:58,216 --> 00:13:01,468 with a different group of municipal workers 236 00:13:01,551 --> 00:13:04,889 that I think can take their place... 237 00:13:04,972 --> 00:13:06,181 Mailmen. 238 00:13:06,265 --> 00:13:07,934 I didn't stutter, mailmen. 239 00:13:08,016 --> 00:13:10,685 If there's anyone that needs propaganda right now, 240 00:13:10,770 --> 00:13:12,563 it's the U.S. Postal Service. 241 00:13:12,646 --> 00:13:15,732 Phoebe, my posters please? 242 00:13:15,815 --> 00:13:20,947 Can I get a C, and something up-tempo. 243 00:13:21,030 --> 00:13:23,741 Ooh, I like that. All right. 244 00:13:23,823 --> 00:13:27,035 First up in primetime: 245 00:13:27,118 --> 00:13:29,579 "U.S.P.S. I Love You." 246 00:13:29,664 --> 00:13:33,041 Matt LeBlanc plays a post office cashier 247 00:13:33,125 --> 00:13:36,002 with dreams of being a mail carrier. 248 00:13:36,087 --> 00:13:38,881 Mila Kunis, she's the post office manager 249 00:13:38,964 --> 00:13:41,132 who falls in love with him. 250 00:13:41,217 --> 00:13:43,135 All this talk of priority mail, 251 00:13:43,218 --> 00:13:46,472 but when are you going to make me a priority? 252 00:13:46,555 --> 00:13:48,723 Yeah? -I'd be in that. 253 00:13:48,808 --> 00:13:50,392 -For real? -Yes. 254 00:13:50,476 --> 00:13:52,060 -Okay, making deals! 255 00:13:52,144 --> 00:13:55,606 Okay, not sure how the postal workers will appeal 256 00:13:55,689 --> 00:13:57,857 to young, cool audiences? 257 00:13:57,942 --> 00:13:59,651 Well, buckle the fuck up: 258 00:13:59,734 --> 00:14:03,613 Selena Gomez and Zendaya star in "Going Postal". 259 00:14:03,698 --> 00:14:07,159 Sex, drugs, and express two-day shipping 260 00:14:07,242 --> 00:14:08,785 in the continental U.S. 261 00:14:08,868 --> 00:14:11,664 Oh, not enough action, you say? 262 00:14:11,746 --> 00:14:13,540 I thought of that. 263 00:14:13,623 --> 00:14:15,376 FedExxx. 264 00:14:15,458 --> 00:14:21,299 Vis Diesel, the only guns he needs are these. 265 00:14:21,381 --> 00:14:23,259 (applause) 266 00:14:23,342 --> 00:14:26,053 -Brava! 267 00:14:26,136 --> 00:14:30,473 -You know, they say art imitates life, 268 00:14:30,558 --> 00:14:32,142 but these shows were defunded 269 00:14:32,226 --> 00:14:35,730 long before the actual police departments. 270 00:14:35,813 --> 00:14:37,857 After the service, please join me in the garden 271 00:14:37,939 --> 00:14:42,152 where we will be planting evidence in TV Cops' memory. 272 00:14:42,236 --> 00:14:43,237 Thank you. 273 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:47,449 (organ plays, applause) 274 00:14:50,368 --> 00:14:53,496 -Thank you, for those powerful words, Natasha. 275 00:14:53,580 --> 00:14:56,833 And thank you to Vin Diesel for wearing the hell 276 00:14:56,916 --> 00:14:58,544 out of that mailman uniform. 277 00:14:58,627 --> 00:14:59,795 Mmm. 278 00:14:59,878 --> 00:15:03,381 And now please welcome Rachie Brozz Brozz. 279 00:15:04,216 --> 00:15:07,511 (organ plays, applause) 280 00:15:11,598 --> 00:15:14,226 -Thank you, Phoebe. 281 00:15:14,309 --> 00:15:19,439 This year, we said goodbye forever to pants. 282 00:15:19,522 --> 00:15:21,858 Thanks to 2020, our pants have been tossed 283 00:15:21,942 --> 00:15:23,234 in the great laundry hamper in the sky. 284 00:15:23,319 --> 00:15:25,362 -Yes! 285 00:15:25,445 --> 00:15:26,905 -When there was no longer a reason to leave the house, 286 00:15:26,988 --> 00:15:29,532 pants lost any reason to exist. 287 00:15:29,617 --> 00:15:31,660 The one time I put on pants this year was to prove 288 00:15:31,743 --> 00:15:33,913 to the Postmates guy I hadn't totally lost my grip. 289 00:15:33,996 --> 00:15:35,497 -Aw. 290 00:15:35,580 --> 00:15:39,334 -There were so many good pants: High rise, low rise, 291 00:15:39,418 --> 00:15:42,128 light wash, acid wash, 292 00:15:42,213 --> 00:15:45,799 boyfriend, girlfriend, harem and assless. 293 00:15:45,882 --> 00:15:49,219 But to really understand what pants meant to us, 294 00:15:49,303 --> 00:15:50,846 we have to start from the beginning. 295 00:15:50,929 --> 00:15:53,057 Pants were born at a time before women 296 00:15:53,140 --> 00:15:54,766 were allowed to wear them. 297 00:15:54,849 --> 00:15:57,895 But like so many freedom fighters before them, 298 00:15:57,977 --> 00:16:01,482 pants stood up in the face of inequality and injustice 299 00:16:01,564 --> 00:16:03,275 and broke down barriers. 300 00:16:03,358 --> 00:16:07,947 Thanks to Pants we have the freedom to sit astride a horse. 301 00:16:08,030 --> 00:16:10,031 To ride a bike without our petticoat getting caught 302 00:16:10,116 --> 00:16:12,367 in the spokes and killing us. 303 00:16:12,450 --> 00:16:15,328 And to lady-spread on the subway with reckless abandon. 304 00:16:15,413 --> 00:16:16,664 -That's right. 305 00:16:16,746 --> 00:16:18,457 Pants also made it easier for us 306 00:16:18,540 --> 00:16:21,209 to run away from predators, like men and bears. 307 00:16:21,293 --> 00:16:23,087 Oh, and they had these cute little pockets 308 00:16:23,170 --> 00:16:24,838 that were perfect for holding tiny things, 309 00:16:24,921 --> 00:16:26,799 like our tampons and our paychecks. 310 00:16:26,881 --> 00:16:28,259 -Yeah. 311 00:16:28,342 --> 00:16:31,303 -Alas, though pants started off as a feminist statement, 312 00:16:31,386 --> 00:16:33,889 they somehow evolved into being so skinny 313 00:16:33,972 --> 00:16:36,141 that they cut off the blood flow to our brains. 314 00:16:36,224 --> 00:16:38,144 It's a bad sign when the best part of wearing pants 315 00:16:38,227 --> 00:16:39,936 was taking them off at the end of the day. 316 00:16:40,020 --> 00:16:41,355 -Yes. -That's true. 317 00:16:41,439 --> 00:16:43,274 So maybe they had it coming. 318 00:16:43,357 --> 00:16:47,402 And 2020 was the inspiration that we needed. 319 00:16:47,486 --> 00:16:49,112 Because this is about liberation. 320 00:16:49,195 --> 00:16:50,197 -Yes! 321 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:53,950 -Yeah, pants, a world without you looks different. 322 00:16:54,034 --> 00:16:57,036 With the death of pants, we also lost so many other social norms: 323 00:16:57,121 --> 00:16:58,830 Bras, portion control, 324 00:16:58,914 --> 00:17:01,500 productivity, showering regularly. 325 00:17:01,583 --> 00:17:04,336 And, of course, the concept of shame. 326 00:17:04,419 --> 00:17:05,796 And to all that I say... 327 00:17:08,132 --> 00:17:10,592 -fuck it. -(gasping) 328 00:17:10,675 --> 00:17:12,177 To hell with it! 329 00:17:12,261 --> 00:17:15,055 To hell with all of it! 330 00:17:15,138 --> 00:17:17,849 -To hell with dying my hair. -Yes. 331 00:17:17,933 --> 00:17:19,684 -To hell with shaving my pits? 332 00:17:19,769 --> 00:17:21,520 -That's right. Let 'em grow. 333 00:17:21,604 --> 00:17:24,522 -To hell with returning text messages in a timely fashion! 334 00:17:24,607 --> 00:17:26,442 -Yes! Yes. 335 00:17:26,524 --> 00:17:28,109 -To hell with paying my taxes. 336 00:17:28,194 --> 00:17:29,861 -Ye-- No. 337 00:17:29,944 --> 00:17:32,030 No, sorry, you absolutely have to pay your taxes. 338 00:17:32,114 --> 00:17:33,866 -To hell with pants. 339 00:17:33,948 --> 00:17:35,326 -That's right. 340 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:44,376 Fuck pants. 341 00:17:46,169 --> 00:17:47,378 -Yes. 342 00:17:50,590 --> 00:17:51,759 -Fuck pants. 343 00:17:55,095 --> 00:17:56,638 -Fuck pants! -Yes! 344 00:17:56,722 --> 00:17:58,557 Yes! 345 00:17:58,640 --> 00:17:59,517 -Fuck pants! 346 00:17:59,599 --> 00:18:03,479 -Ashes to ashes, dungarees to distressed, 347 00:18:03,561 --> 00:18:05,647 don't cry 'cause they're gone. 348 00:18:05,731 --> 00:18:09,318 Smile, because you don't have to get dressed. 349 00:18:10,860 --> 00:18:12,238 -Okay. 350 00:18:14,697 --> 00:18:15,782 -Thank you. 351 00:18:15,866 --> 00:18:18,243 -That was good. 352 00:18:18,327 --> 00:18:19,912 Damn. 353 00:18:19,994 --> 00:18:22,122 All right. 354 00:18:22,205 --> 00:18:25,835 Thank you, Rachel Brosnopants. 355 00:18:25,917 --> 00:18:27,168 -Boo. 356 00:18:27,252 --> 00:18:30,213 -Oh come on, it wrote itself, I had to say it. 357 00:18:30,297 --> 00:18:34,593 Listen, I support you on your pantsless journey, Brozzies. 358 00:18:34,676 --> 00:18:37,387 But they do keep the air conditioner on in here 359 00:18:37,471 --> 00:18:39,389 so you about to be cold. 360 00:18:39,472 --> 00:18:43,018 Okay, I feel the dark spirit of 2020 lifting already. 361 00:18:43,101 --> 00:18:44,645 -Shout out to Jesus. 362 00:18:44,728 --> 00:18:46,771 -So to grace us with her wisdom 363 00:18:46,856 --> 00:18:51,443 is my friend Patti Harrison 364 00:18:51,527 --> 00:18:53,236 who's gonna lay to rest someone 365 00:18:53,319 --> 00:18:56,531 very, very near to her. 366 00:18:56,781 --> 00:19:00,034 (organ plays, applause) 367 00:19:06,750 --> 00:19:10,337 -I am here today to honor the passing 368 00:19:10,421 --> 00:19:13,214 of Rich Girl Instagram Influencers. 369 00:19:13,299 --> 00:19:16,635 This is a shocking loss for their family, 370 00:19:16,719 --> 00:19:19,471 fans, followers, and... 371 00:19:21,347 --> 00:19:24,475 their branded partnerships with SmartWater. 372 00:19:26,270 --> 00:19:27,771 They were collaborating on making 373 00:19:27,855 --> 00:19:28,897 a non-reusable metal drinking straw 374 00:19:28,981 --> 00:19:31,901 for women identifying cis-women. 375 00:19:31,983 --> 00:19:35,654 And they were going to debut it at the pop-up party 376 00:19:35,738 --> 00:19:37,865 for the relaunch of Enron. 377 00:19:37,947 --> 00:19:40,451 I'll be honest: Rich Girl Instagram Influencers, 378 00:19:40,533 --> 00:19:45,122 I can't tell whether or not you were in fact "gone too soon." 379 00:19:45,204 --> 00:19:48,000 The number of face-app smoothing filters you used 380 00:19:48,082 --> 00:19:51,712 made your age absolutely indiscernible. 381 00:19:51,794 --> 00:19:55,049 You could have left us very young, yes, 382 00:19:55,132 --> 00:19:56,591 but for all we know, 383 00:19:56,674 --> 00:20:00,053 you could have been well into your 90's. 384 00:20:00,136 --> 00:20:02,431 Who's the daughter, who's the mom? 385 00:20:02,513 --> 00:20:06,351 They're both pushing vaginal rejuvenations, you know? Ha ha. 386 00:20:06,434 --> 00:20:12,398 Regardless, you left behind an over-exfoliated legacy 387 00:20:12,482 --> 00:20:17,946 and a pair of bone-chillingly huge sunglasses. 388 00:20:18,030 --> 00:20:20,741 But what is to blame for this tremendous loss? 389 00:20:20,824 --> 00:20:23,577 Was it the global pandemic shutting down 390 00:20:23,661 --> 00:20:26,579 all their favorite moisture stores? 391 00:20:26,664 --> 00:20:28,874 Was it the withdrawal from not being able to take photos 392 00:20:28,957 --> 00:20:33,544 of sunbeams shining through their thigh gaps at Coachella? 393 00:20:33,628 --> 00:20:35,964 Was it inserting "Kombucha-pons" 394 00:20:36,048 --> 00:20:39,926 before proper clinical trials could be conducted? 395 00:20:40,010 --> 00:20:42,178 We'll never know. 396 00:20:42,261 --> 00:20:44,932 But what is tragically certain, 397 00:20:45,014 --> 00:20:47,600 is that there was still so much left on Earth 398 00:20:47,684 --> 00:20:50,145 for them to not learn. 399 00:20:51,688 --> 00:20:54,066 Rich Girl Instagram Influencers, 400 00:20:54,148 --> 00:20:56,484 though we were shocked at your passing, 401 00:20:56,568 --> 00:20:58,820 it should have come as no surprise, 402 00:20:58,904 --> 00:21:01,949 as you've died many time before. 403 00:21:05,828 --> 00:21:08,579 You absolutely died over this jumpsuit 404 00:21:08,664 --> 00:21:12,792 you described as "chic janitor vibes." 405 00:21:12,876 --> 00:21:16,254 You died over this serum. 406 00:21:16,338 --> 00:21:21,135 This car your dad or husband, whatever, bought you. 407 00:21:21,217 --> 00:21:23,386 But let's not focus on death. 408 00:21:23,470 --> 00:21:26,097 Death's not what funerals are about. 409 00:21:26,181 --> 00:21:30,894 There were so many things you accomplished in your time. 410 00:21:30,978 --> 00:21:34,231 You discovered Italy, Paris, 411 00:21:34,313 --> 00:21:37,192 Up State New York, 412 00:21:37,276 --> 00:21:40,236 And you were almost always... 413 00:21:40,319 --> 00:21:43,656 -Always on a boat? -Yes, on a boat. 414 00:21:43,741 --> 00:21:45,367 #boatlife #WomenWhoBoat 415 00:21:45,451 --> 00:21:48,745 #BoatOrDie #BoaterSuppression. 416 00:21:48,828 --> 00:21:51,623 And who could forget your deeply surface-level 417 00:21:51,706 --> 00:21:55,210 love for photography, which you tried to get people to start 418 00:21:55,293 --> 00:21:57,628 calling "Memory Remembering": 419 00:21:57,713 --> 00:22:01,258 A term you coined for you brand partnership with Fujifilm and... 420 00:22:01,340 --> 00:22:03,092 Enron. 421 00:22:03,176 --> 00:22:05,596 And most powerful of all. 422 00:22:05,678 --> 00:22:10,517 Rich Girl Instagram Influencer, you got involved. 423 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:13,645 When protests erupted across the country, 424 00:22:13,729 --> 00:22:16,857 you waited one full day 425 00:22:16,940 --> 00:22:18,901 before posting your sponsored results 426 00:22:18,983 --> 00:22:21,486 from your belly-smoothing Skinny Diet Tea. 427 00:22:21,569 --> 00:22:22,780 -Yes. -Wow. 428 00:22:22,863 --> 00:22:27,742 -Though you may be gone, your legacy will live on, 429 00:22:27,826 --> 00:22:29,994 link in bio/swipe up to shop. 430 00:22:30,078 --> 00:22:33,665 You're survived by your children/siblings, 431 00:22:33,749 --> 00:22:35,917 we can't tell: 432 00:22:36,001 --> 00:22:39,797 Beckett, Sailor, Poet, 433 00:22:39,879 --> 00:22:45,260 Jamison Neat, and Jaxson with an X. 434 00:22:45,344 --> 00:22:49,639 Now, in your honor, 435 00:22:49,722 --> 00:22:52,392 we'll be following the strict mourning practices 436 00:22:52,475 --> 00:22:54,603 of "Spiritual But Not Religious, 437 00:22:54,685 --> 00:22:57,606 fiscally conservative but socially liberal," 438 00:22:57,688 --> 00:23:01,484 and together we will light a candle. 439 00:23:01,568 --> 00:23:04,113 It's from the line of horse wax candles you made 440 00:23:04,195 --> 00:23:08,450 in partnership with Lululemon, 441 00:23:08,533 --> 00:23:09,742 and Hillary Clinton Hot Sauce, 442 00:23:09,827 --> 00:23:10,953 -I'm with Her. 443 00:23:11,036 --> 00:23:15,706 -And... yeah, Enron. 444 00:23:18,292 --> 00:23:21,588 It has abundance written on it, it's $190. 445 00:23:21,672 --> 00:23:23,005 -That's a good price. 446 00:23:23,089 --> 00:23:25,049 -No horse wax candles. 447 00:23:31,264 --> 00:23:34,559 Rest in peace, Rich Girl Instagram Influencers. 448 00:23:34,643 --> 00:23:38,813 May we all say: Namaslay! 449 00:23:38,896 --> 00:23:40,566 ALL: Namaslay. 450 00:23:42,233 --> 00:23:43,443 -Thank you. 451 00:23:43,902 --> 00:23:46,280 (organ plays, applause) 452 00:23:49,867 --> 00:23:52,034 (sobbing) 453 00:23:52,368 --> 00:23:53,995 Mmm. 454 00:23:54,078 --> 00:23:56,831 -Thank you for that moving tribute. 455 00:23:56,915 --> 00:23:59,501 I haven't been that sad about a rich white lady's demise 456 00:23:59,585 --> 00:24:01,794 since Dorinda left "The Real Housewives of New York." 457 00:24:01,878 --> 00:24:03,129 -Left? Please. 458 00:24:03,213 --> 00:24:05,132 Dorinda was fired. -Mm-hmm. 459 00:24:05,214 --> 00:24:06,716 -I heard she was hoping for a raise. 460 00:24:06,799 --> 00:24:09,595 -Andy Cohen, pay Dorinda what she's worth. 461 00:24:09,677 --> 00:24:12,181 -Ladies, ladies, please, settle. Okay? 462 00:24:12,263 --> 00:24:14,183 -All right. -And now please welcome 463 00:24:14,265 --> 00:24:16,143 our second Natasha of the night, 464 00:24:16,225 --> 00:24:18,645 that's Nattie L., of course. 465 00:24:18,729 --> 00:24:20,938 I'm talking about Natasha Leggero. 466 00:24:21,022 --> 00:24:23,192 (organ plays, applause) 467 00:24:32,867 --> 00:24:35,119 (organ plays) 468 00:24:37,205 --> 00:24:39,582 -Uh, sorry about that. 469 00:24:39,665 --> 00:24:41,376 Um, Natasha had to step out for a few. 470 00:24:41,460 --> 00:24:43,377 She's having tiny issues, 471 00:24:43,462 --> 00:24:45,963 but she'll be right here. Okay. 472 00:24:46,048 --> 00:24:47,174 (clears throat) 473 00:24:48,508 --> 00:24:52,846 -Mommy! Mommy! I don't want to be here! 474 00:24:52,930 --> 00:24:54,597 -Daddy has Zoom trivia with his buddies, 475 00:24:54,681 --> 00:24:56,974 and it's illegal for me to keep you in the car, 476 00:24:57,059 --> 00:24:59,685 so just sit back here with the iPad and be a good girl. 477 00:24:59,770 --> 00:25:00,729 -I'm hungry. 478 00:25:00,811 --> 00:25:02,647 -Just please, watch Peppa Pig. 479 00:25:02,731 --> 00:25:04,398 If you can do a convincing British accent 480 00:25:04,482 --> 00:25:06,026 by the time I get back, 481 00:25:06,108 --> 00:25:07,694 there'll be a bowl of chili in it for you. 482 00:25:07,778 --> 00:25:09,320 -I hate chili. 483 00:25:09,404 --> 00:25:11,822 (organ plays) 484 00:25:14,533 --> 00:25:16,994 -Hi. 485 00:25:17,078 --> 00:25:21,375 I am here today to say goodbye to Having Any More Children. 486 00:25:21,457 --> 00:25:24,669 Good-bye to the painful, messy, 487 00:25:24,752 --> 00:25:27,838 psychologically scarring event known as... 488 00:25:27,923 --> 00:25:30,259 -having sex with my husband. -Mmm! 489 00:25:30,341 --> 00:25:32,426 -No one should be having any more kids 490 00:25:32,511 --> 00:25:35,763 and I say this as someone who loves a gender reveal party 491 00:25:35,847 --> 00:25:38,517 and guessing what natural catastrophe it will cause. 492 00:25:38,599 --> 00:25:42,521 By about April of this year, I was ready to reach down there 493 00:25:42,604 --> 00:25:45,065 tie my own tubes, and double knot that shit. 494 00:25:45,147 --> 00:25:46,732 -Amen. -Yes. 495 00:25:46,817 --> 00:25:50,194 -To be clear, it's been great having this time with 496 00:25:50,279 --> 00:25:54,073 my daughter, Gianna... I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly. 497 00:25:54,156 --> 00:25:56,827 But after being quarantined with her for eight months, 498 00:25:56,909 --> 00:25:59,829 I've been thinking of sending back my Wayfair furniture 499 00:25:59,913 --> 00:26:02,499 with a fun surprise. 500 00:26:02,581 --> 00:26:04,417 I love my daughter. 501 00:26:04,501 --> 00:26:07,337 But I love her in the same way that I love LSD. 502 00:26:07,421 --> 00:26:09,839 In microdoses. 503 00:26:09,923 --> 00:26:12,591 But during this quarantine, I'm ashamed to say, 504 00:26:12,675 --> 00:26:14,677 there have been times when I don't like her. 505 00:26:14,761 --> 00:26:15,971 Unless she's sleeping, 506 00:26:16,053 --> 00:26:17,556 in which case, I forget I have her. 507 00:26:17,638 --> 00:26:20,058 But I didn't sign up to be a preschool teacher. 508 00:26:20,142 --> 00:26:23,270 I didn't have a baby to teach it. 509 00:26:23,353 --> 00:26:26,772 Okay, I had a baby to get likes on Instagram 510 00:26:26,857 --> 00:26:28,399 just like everybody else. 511 00:26:28,482 --> 00:26:29,526 -What's your baby's handle? 512 00:26:29,608 --> 00:26:31,569 -Just DM me. 513 00:26:31,653 --> 00:26:33,530 And I'm not just a teacher. 514 00:26:33,613 --> 00:26:36,241 Now that she's home all day every day, 515 00:26:36,325 --> 00:26:38,284 I'm a personal chef, 516 00:26:38,367 --> 00:26:42,455 well, I was until I taught her how to use DoorDash. 517 00:26:42,539 --> 00:26:44,540 But I'm a camp counselor, a child psychologist, 518 00:26:44,624 --> 00:26:46,209 a gym teacher. 519 00:26:46,292 --> 00:26:49,796 And, on really rough nights, a sanitation worker. 520 00:26:49,879 --> 00:26:52,214 'Cause she shits her pants. 521 00:26:53,633 --> 00:26:55,676 People love to point out that having a baby 522 00:26:55,761 --> 00:26:58,680 ruins your body, and don't worry, it does, 523 00:26:58,763 --> 00:27:01,599 but it's your mind that really takes the beating. 524 00:27:01,683 --> 00:27:05,061 Imagine not having to log on to the Internet to be trolled? 525 00:27:05,145 --> 00:27:07,563 She makes fun of me constantly. 526 00:27:07,646 --> 00:27:10,817 I fell like I'm living with a suspended Reddit user. 527 00:27:12,527 --> 00:27:15,530 Sometimes I daydream about what it would be like 528 00:27:15,614 --> 00:27:17,949 to go through this quarantine without a child. 529 00:27:18,032 --> 00:27:21,243 I'd do social distance happy hour with homemade sangria 530 00:27:21,328 --> 00:27:23,872 every night, I'd write two pilots, 531 00:27:23,954 --> 00:27:26,832 one comedy, one deeply affecting costume drama. 532 00:27:26,916 --> 00:27:28,918 I'd finally learn to paint. 533 00:27:29,001 --> 00:27:32,547 But no, instead, I've spent my entire quarantine 534 00:27:32,630 --> 00:27:35,674 trying to convince a 3-year-old to wear a mask. 535 00:27:35,759 --> 00:27:37,636 She's like a Trump supporter. 536 00:27:37,719 --> 00:27:40,347 Always shouting, "No Mask! No Mask! 537 00:27:40,430 --> 00:27:42,640 Dr. Fauci is a deep state operative!" 538 00:27:44,017 --> 00:27:46,310 I used to want to have more kids but now, 539 00:27:46,395 --> 00:27:48,730 the most I'd do is adopt a 14 year-old 540 00:27:48,813 --> 00:27:51,942 who is good at crafts and maybe some light dusting. 541 00:27:52,024 --> 00:27:55,611 It's honestly irresponsible to have any more kids. 542 00:27:55,694 --> 00:27:56,946 I mean, what are they inheriting? 543 00:27:57,030 --> 00:27:59,031 A sinking planet? 544 00:27:59,116 --> 00:28:01,033 Toxic air? 545 00:28:01,117 --> 00:28:02,536 A "Fresh Prince" reboot? 546 00:28:02,618 --> 00:28:05,539 -Mommy, I'm bleeding. 547 00:28:05,622 --> 00:28:07,706 -Ugh. 548 00:28:07,790 --> 00:28:10,793 Always bleeding, all right. I have to go. 549 00:28:10,876 --> 00:28:13,213 (organ plays) -I'm coming. 550 00:28:14,255 --> 00:28:15,924 What is in your mouth? 551 00:28:18,300 --> 00:28:20,011 -God. 552 00:28:20,095 --> 00:28:23,639 And I glad I invested in an IUD. -Same here. 553 00:28:23,722 --> 00:28:26,309 -Anyway, I know there's someone here 554 00:28:26,393 --> 00:28:28,520 who can unite us with her brilliance, 555 00:28:28,603 --> 00:28:31,440 and that is Ziwe. 556 00:28:31,522 --> 00:28:33,858 -Woo! -(organ plays, applause) 557 00:28:35,318 --> 00:28:36,735 -Yes! 558 00:28:40,906 --> 00:28:44,703 -Today we say goodbye to the era of the beige Band-Aid. 559 00:28:44,786 --> 00:28:47,497 Beige Band-Aids were born in Highland Park, New Jersey 560 00:28:47,580 --> 00:28:48,999 in 1920. 561 00:28:49,081 --> 00:28:52,711 Conceived by Earle Dickson, the Band-Aid only came in beige 562 00:28:52,793 --> 00:28:56,423 because the 1920's were famously safe for Black people 563 00:28:56,505 --> 00:28:57,674 -Ha-ha. 564 00:28:57,757 --> 00:28:59,009 -Famously. 565 00:28:59,091 --> 00:29:00,886 But this year was different. 566 00:29:00,969 --> 00:29:02,887 As protests against police violence 567 00:29:02,971 --> 00:29:04,472 erupted across the nation, 568 00:29:04,556 --> 00:29:06,599 our friends at the Band-Aid corporation, 569 00:29:06,683 --> 00:29:08,518 and so many corporations 570 00:29:08,601 --> 00:29:12,646 stood up and declared with a loud, triumphant voice, 571 00:29:12,731 --> 00:29:15,649 "Fine. Here." 572 00:29:15,733 --> 00:29:17,194 Isn't it nice? 573 00:29:17,277 --> 00:29:19,779 We asked for equality and we got a brown Band-Aid. 574 00:29:19,863 --> 00:29:23,575 A little brown Band-Aid on a systemic bullet hole. 575 00:29:23,657 --> 00:29:25,534 -Pass the plate because this is a sermon. 576 00:29:25,618 --> 00:29:26,578 -Mm-hmm. 577 00:29:26,661 --> 00:29:28,288 -We must also pay our respects 578 00:29:28,370 --> 00:29:30,290 to all of the civilian casualties 579 00:29:30,373 --> 00:29:32,000 that the death of the Beige Band-Aid era 580 00:29:32,082 --> 00:29:35,212 took with them now that corporate racism isn't allowed: 581 00:29:35,294 --> 00:29:37,630 Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, 582 00:29:37,713 --> 00:29:39,465 Chief Wahoo, Trader Ming 583 00:29:39,549 --> 00:29:41,885 and the nameless Native American butter girl. 584 00:29:41,968 --> 00:29:45,387 Thankfully, Aunt Jemima's legacy will live on 585 00:29:45,472 --> 00:29:47,723 in an Oscar-nominated film about her life, 586 00:29:47,807 --> 00:29:49,184 starring an all-white cast. 587 00:29:49,267 --> 00:29:50,684 (laughs) 588 00:29:50,769 --> 00:29:53,104 -Now along with these new diverse Band-Aids 589 00:29:53,187 --> 00:29:56,357 came a tidal wave of performative bullshit 590 00:29:56,441 --> 00:29:59,528 from corporations and suddenly everyone 591 00:29:59,610 --> 00:30:02,239 was apologizing for massive blindspots 592 00:30:02,321 --> 00:30:03,990 about their unchecked racism. 593 00:30:04,074 --> 00:30:06,534 Networks purged blackface from every beloved 594 00:30:06,617 --> 00:30:08,494 sitcom from the past 15 years. 595 00:30:08,578 --> 00:30:11,289 There's also Washington D.C.'s newly named 596 00:30:11,373 --> 00:30:12,665 "Black Lives Matter" plaza. 597 00:30:12,749 --> 00:30:14,459 -Oh, I was stopped and frisked there. 598 00:30:14,542 --> 00:30:15,793 -Same here. 599 00:30:15,876 --> 00:30:18,046 -In the post-beige Band-Aid world, 600 00:30:18,128 --> 00:30:20,549 apologizing became the norm. 601 00:30:20,632 --> 00:30:22,049 Celebrities apologized for 602 00:30:22,133 --> 00:30:24,469 their accidental plantation weddings, 603 00:30:24,552 --> 00:30:28,138 even though plantation was right there in the name of the venue. 604 00:30:28,222 --> 00:30:29,808 -Thank you. 605 00:30:29,890 --> 00:30:32,394 -I didn't realize the era of the beige Band-Aid 606 00:30:32,476 --> 00:30:35,480 had died until I started getting a flurry of texts 607 00:30:35,563 --> 00:30:38,191 from my former co-workers expressing their own apologies 608 00:30:38,274 --> 00:30:40,318 for various slights. 609 00:30:40,402 --> 00:30:42,236 I truly had no idea that that many white people 610 00:30:42,319 --> 00:30:46,031 had my phone number, and that's on me. 611 00:30:46,116 --> 00:30:50,244 The era of the beige-only Band-Aid is gone, 612 00:30:50,328 --> 00:30:53,290 and all it took was a literal 100 years. 613 00:30:53,373 --> 00:30:55,082 -100 damn years. 614 00:30:55,165 --> 00:30:58,377 -So, thank goodness we now have a Band-Aid in the shade 615 00:30:58,461 --> 00:30:59,878 of Naomi Campbell... 616 00:30:59,963 --> 00:31:01,005 -Nice. 617 00:31:01,088 --> 00:31:02,382 -Iconic. 618 00:31:02,464 --> 00:31:03,883 Thank you. 619 00:31:05,594 --> 00:31:08,887 (organ plays) 620 00:31:11,098 --> 00:31:12,600 -Wow. 621 00:31:12,684 --> 00:31:14,435 Thank you so much, Ziwe. 622 00:31:14,519 --> 00:31:16,229 -You're welcome. 623 00:31:16,312 --> 00:31:18,231 -Okay, well, without further ado, 624 00:31:18,315 --> 00:31:21,067 it is my pleasure and my honor-- 625 00:31:21,151 --> 00:31:23,653 Oh my God, I'm getting chills just thinking about it. 626 00:31:23,736 --> 00:31:28,032 --to bring up the great, the legendary, 627 00:31:28,116 --> 00:31:30,242 Sarah Silverman. 628 00:31:30,327 --> 00:31:32,037 (organ plays, cheering) 629 00:31:41,087 --> 00:31:42,547 -Hello, friends. 630 00:31:42,630 --> 00:31:46,091 We're gathered here this evening to bid farewell 631 00:31:46,175 --> 00:31:48,595 to Making America Great Again. 632 00:31:48,677 --> 00:31:50,137 -Woo! 633 00:31:50,221 --> 00:31:52,890 -You were a concept, a political agenda, 634 00:31:52,973 --> 00:31:55,684 a slogan on a hat made in China. 635 00:31:55,769 --> 00:31:59,438 So let's take a moment of silence. 636 00:31:59,521 --> 00:32:01,398 Moment over. All right, Judy. 637 00:32:01,482 --> 00:32:04,277 (music plays) 638 00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:05,486 (cheering) 639 00:32:11,992 --> 00:32:13,787 -All right, cut it, Judy. 640 00:32:13,869 --> 00:32:15,038 (music stops) 641 00:32:16,414 --> 00:32:18,207 -Farewell Lil' MAGA. 642 00:32:18,290 --> 00:32:21,251 It's high time we lay you the fuck to rest. 643 00:32:21,336 --> 00:32:23,588 (cheering) 644 00:32:23,672 --> 00:32:25,839 Can you imagine what George Washington would say 645 00:32:25,924 --> 00:32:27,884 if he saw America right now? 646 00:32:27,966 --> 00:32:32,012 He'd be like, what's a toilet? Why do women have bank accounts? 647 00:32:32,097 --> 00:32:34,307 What's a car? Where are all the horses? 648 00:32:34,390 --> 00:32:36,725 Where's Martha, is she dead? What's a phone? 649 00:32:36,809 --> 00:32:38,770 Salad in a bag? 650 00:32:38,853 --> 00:32:42,857 This country's really changed since its inception. 651 00:32:42,941 --> 00:32:47,611 MAGA, it's hard to pinpoint exactly when you were born. 652 00:32:47,695 --> 00:32:50,447 In recent history, I'd say it started 653 00:32:50,531 --> 00:32:53,992 when a nice lady from Alaska shot moose from a helicopter. 654 00:32:54,077 --> 00:32:55,869 And people loved it. 655 00:32:55,953 --> 00:32:58,873 You started really walking when racist chodes 656 00:32:58,956 --> 00:33:03,377 accused the first black president of being from Kenya. 657 00:33:03,461 --> 00:33:05,588 And then you moved right into that Oval Office 658 00:33:05,672 --> 00:33:08,633 when the electoral college decided they'd rather 659 00:33:08,716 --> 00:33:12,345 roll the dice on a failed casino mogul than vote for a woman. 660 00:33:13,722 --> 00:33:16,933 We never saw you coming, and by "we", 661 00:33:17,015 --> 00:33:18,726 of course I mean white liberals. 662 00:33:18,809 --> 00:33:21,396 I'm not just here to criticize you. 663 00:33:21,479 --> 00:33:23,397 I admired a lot about you. 664 00:33:23,481 --> 00:33:25,149 You were a noble goal. 665 00:33:25,232 --> 00:33:27,359 I mean who doesn't want to be great? 666 00:33:27,444 --> 00:33:30,195 You promised a wall and you made one 667 00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:32,906 out of strong metal cages with toddlers inside. 668 00:33:32,991 --> 00:33:37,912 You touted law and order and you teargassed moms in Portland. 669 00:33:37,995 --> 00:33:40,415 You wanted to make Americans richer. 670 00:33:40,498 --> 00:33:41,665 And you did that! 671 00:33:41,750 --> 00:33:43,917 As long as they were already rich. 672 00:33:44,001 --> 00:33:45,502 But I gotta be honest. 673 00:33:45,587 --> 00:33:47,963 When I close my eyes and picture "great," 674 00:33:48,047 --> 00:33:51,049 I don't see gumming up the U.S. Post Office 675 00:33:51,134 --> 00:33:53,552 to keep people from voting or 676 00:33:53,636 --> 00:33:56,431 paying less in taxes than you paid for your TOTO toilet... 677 00:33:56,513 --> 00:33:57,973 -Hell no. 678 00:33:58,057 --> 00:34:01,978 -And MAGA, I admired your commitment to diversity. 679 00:34:02,060 --> 00:34:05,815 It didn't matter whether someone was a disgraced lawyer 680 00:34:05,898 --> 00:34:08,026 or a disgraced CEO, 681 00:34:08,109 --> 00:34:10,319 or even a disgraced white nationalist, 682 00:34:10,403 --> 00:34:12,280 to make America great again, 683 00:34:12,363 --> 00:34:15,450 they all had a seat at the table. 684 00:34:15,533 --> 00:34:17,493 And you're responsible for some of 685 00:34:17,577 --> 00:34:18,870 the funniest jokes,like, 686 00:34:18,952 --> 00:34:21,372 "Mexico will pay for the border wall" 687 00:34:21,455 --> 00:34:24,959 and "The virus will disappear by April," 688 00:34:25,042 --> 00:34:27,629 and that prank you pulled on Herman Cain. 689 00:34:27,711 --> 00:34:30,839 Wow. Just wow. 690 00:34:30,923 --> 00:34:32,299 And with your passing, 691 00:34:32,383 --> 00:34:35,260 there are so many more goodbyes to say. 692 00:34:35,345 --> 00:34:39,057 Goodbye to the idea that education is indoctrination. 693 00:34:39,140 --> 00:34:40,517 -Yes! 694 00:34:40,600 --> 00:34:43,227 -Goodbye to the fear that at any moment, 695 00:34:43,310 --> 00:34:45,312 the nuclear codes could wind up on Twitter. 696 00:34:45,396 --> 00:34:46,856 -Hell, yeah. 697 00:34:46,939 --> 00:34:50,443 -Goodbye to the idea that your opinion is science. 698 00:34:50,526 --> 00:34:52,069 -Yes. 699 00:34:52,153 --> 00:34:54,781 -Life will improve for so many in a post-MAGA world. 700 00:34:54,863 --> 00:34:58,158 Endangered species, democracy. 701 00:34:58,243 --> 00:35:00,327 Infrastructure. 702 00:35:00,410 --> 00:35:02,622 Black and indigenous people of color. 703 00:35:02,705 --> 00:35:05,457 LGBTQIA+ peeps. 704 00:35:05,542 --> 00:35:09,629 Jews. Whoops, guess we are gonna replace you. 705 00:35:09,711 --> 00:35:13,006 But not until we get a handle on controlling the weather. 706 00:35:13,091 --> 00:35:16,010 So to making America great again, 707 00:35:16,093 --> 00:35:20,098 we say, adios because we know how much you'll hate that. 708 00:35:20,180 --> 00:35:22,267 You know, it turns out, you can't make something 709 00:35:22,350 --> 00:35:25,687 great again if it wasn't great to begin with. 710 00:35:25,769 --> 00:35:28,272 When was this "again?" anyway. 711 00:35:28,356 --> 00:35:32,276 Was again when black people weren't allowed in certain towns 712 00:35:32,359 --> 00:35:34,028 after sundown? -No. 713 00:35:34,111 --> 00:35:37,198 -Was it back in 2002 when it was still illegal in Texas 714 00:35:37,281 --> 00:35:40,368 to perform and receive anal sex? 715 00:35:40,450 --> 00:35:43,287 Up until the 70s, women couldn't apply for a bank account 716 00:35:43,370 --> 00:35:44,789 without a man's permission. 717 00:35:44,872 --> 00:35:47,457 Thank you, Justice Ruthie. 718 00:35:47,542 --> 00:35:49,377 Sure, there have been great things about us: 719 00:35:49,459 --> 00:35:52,421 Of course there have been great things about us. 720 00:35:53,214 --> 00:35:55,258 Purple mountains majesty. 721 00:35:55,341 --> 00:35:58,720 Um, Costco. 722 00:35:58,803 --> 00:36:01,848 24 hour dry cleaning. Dolly Parton. 723 00:36:01,930 --> 00:36:03,307 -She's great. 724 00:36:03,390 --> 00:36:05,350 -Gun ranges next to liquor stores. 725 00:36:05,435 --> 00:36:06,769 -That is a thing. 726 00:36:06,852 --> 00:36:09,022 -But now we've taken off the red hat, 727 00:36:09,104 --> 00:36:11,982 and it's our job to climb out from under the rubble, 728 00:36:12,066 --> 00:36:14,109 and the wreckage of what's left of our country, 729 00:36:14,193 --> 00:36:18,196 and just... just make America good. 730 00:36:18,281 --> 00:36:22,118 Because we can be good. 731 00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:26,080 Despite what the past four to 300 years have taught us, 732 00:36:26,164 --> 00:36:28,582 it's not too late. -Yes. 733 00:36:28,665 --> 00:36:30,459 -Maybe this is because I'm high, I don't know, 734 00:36:30,542 --> 00:36:33,338 but we've gotten through so much. 735 00:36:33,421 --> 00:36:36,173 And we've gotten through it with grit and resilience 736 00:36:36,256 --> 00:36:38,301 and porn that's specific to our needs. 737 00:36:38,383 --> 00:36:39,801 -Hell, yes. 738 00:36:39,885 --> 00:36:42,472 -I know we have it in us to Make America Good. 739 00:36:42,555 --> 00:36:44,390 -Say it. -Preach. 740 00:36:44,473 --> 00:36:46,017 -I've seen us be good. 741 00:36:46,100 --> 00:36:48,144 How during this fucking awful year, 742 00:36:48,227 --> 00:36:50,312 we showed up for each other. 743 00:36:50,396 --> 00:36:53,106 When we marched in peaceful protest. 744 00:36:53,191 --> 00:36:55,776 When we helped our neighbors. 745 00:36:55,859 --> 00:36:58,696 When we got on our fire escapes and banged our pots and pans 746 00:36:58,780 --> 00:37:00,656 for the frontline workers 747 00:37:00,740 --> 00:37:03,450 in a collective, shared primal scream. 748 00:37:03,533 --> 00:37:04,535 -Yeah! 749 00:37:04,618 --> 00:37:07,622 -Because goodness is greatness. 750 00:37:07,705 --> 00:37:11,292 So we'll move on from the MAGA era stronger. 751 00:37:11,376 --> 00:37:13,044 -Yes. -And wiser. 752 00:37:13,127 --> 00:37:14,252 -Yes! 753 00:37:14,336 --> 00:37:16,046 -And one step closer to deleting Facebook. 754 00:37:16,129 --> 00:37:17,381 -Amen. 755 00:37:17,464 --> 00:37:20,676 -Because this is America, goddamnit. 756 00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:23,428 And are we the greatest country in the world? 757 00:37:23,513 --> 00:37:24,847 No. 758 00:37:24,930 --> 00:37:27,809 But are we the biggest? 759 00:37:27,892 --> 00:37:29,352 Also no. 760 00:37:29,435 --> 00:37:31,396 But we are the craziest, and that's not nothing. 761 00:37:31,479 --> 00:37:32,729 -Woo! 762 00:37:32,814 --> 00:37:36,693 -And so I stand before you today hopeful. 763 00:37:36,776 --> 00:37:39,528 Because when I look out at this crowd, 764 00:37:39,611 --> 00:37:42,240 I see women in this room who have made us 765 00:37:42,323 --> 00:37:45,200 feel a little bit better. 766 00:37:45,283 --> 00:37:49,205 And it reminds me, we're in this together. 767 00:37:49,287 --> 00:37:51,707 -I got your backs, I got your backs. 768 00:37:51,790 --> 00:37:53,167 I got all your backs. -Wahoo. 769 00:37:53,251 --> 00:37:55,669 -Because... 770 00:37:55,752 --> 00:37:57,004 what was I saying? 771 00:37:57,088 --> 00:38:00,383 -America? -I was? 772 00:38:00,466 --> 00:38:01,926 Oh, okay. 773 00:38:02,010 --> 00:38:04,553 Well, sayonara 2020. 774 00:38:04,636 --> 00:38:07,640 I hate to see you leave but I love to watch you go. 775 00:38:07,723 --> 00:38:08,890 (cheering) 776 00:38:09,684 --> 00:38:11,894 (organ plays) 777 00:38:17,816 --> 00:38:20,944 -Well, ladies, we did it. 778 00:38:21,028 --> 00:38:22,821 -Woo. -Yes. 779 00:38:22,905 --> 00:38:25,408 -We have said goodbye to so much here today. 780 00:38:25,490 --> 00:38:30,245 But as I look around this room, I don't feel a sense of loss. 781 00:38:30,328 --> 00:38:34,082 2020 tried to break us, but today, 782 00:38:34,167 --> 00:38:36,586 some of the funniest women that I know 783 00:38:36,669 --> 00:38:39,839 got the last motherfucking word. 784 00:38:39,921 --> 00:38:41,131 -Woo! -Yes, Phoene Robinson! 785 00:38:41,214 --> 00:38:42,216 -Here, bitches. 786 00:38:42,299 --> 00:38:44,010 -Yeah! -Woo! 787 00:38:44,093 --> 00:38:46,261 -So in closing, thank you. 788 00:38:46,345 --> 00:38:50,725 Thank you for helping us put this year to rest. 789 00:38:50,807 --> 00:38:51,850 I needed it. 790 00:38:51,934 --> 00:38:54,437 And now... 791 00:38:54,519 --> 00:38:59,441 I have prepared one final in memoriam 792 00:38:59,524 --> 00:39:02,569 to take us out. Microphone? 793 00:39:02,653 --> 00:39:04,155 Thanks. 794 00:39:04,238 --> 00:39:06,448 I don't normally sing, so, uh... 795 00:39:06,531 --> 00:39:08,950 bear with me. 796 00:39:09,035 --> 00:39:10,995 -Um, I can sing. 797 00:39:11,078 --> 00:39:12,287 (gasping) 798 00:39:12,370 --> 00:39:14,082 -Oh, shit. 799 00:39:14,164 --> 00:39:15,874 -It's Christine Aguilera. 800 00:39:15,957 --> 00:39:17,417 -Fuck it, I'm out. 801 00:39:19,336 --> 00:39:25,343 -♪ I will remember you ♪ 802 00:39:25,426 --> 00:39:31,473 ♪ Will you remember me ♪ 803 00:39:31,557 --> 00:39:35,227 ♪ Don't let your life ♪ 804 00:39:35,310 --> 00:39:40,274 ♪ Pass you by ♪ 805 00:39:40,357 --> 00:39:48,073 ♪ Weep not for the memories ♪ 806 00:39:48,156 --> 00:39:54,037 ♪ I'm so tired but I can't sleep ♪ 807 00:39:54,122 --> 00:39:59,334 ♪ Standing on the edge of something much too deep ♪ 808 00:39:59,417 --> 00:40:03,421 ♪ It's funny how it feel so much ♪ 809 00:40:03,506 --> 00:40:06,591 ♪ But we cannot say a word ♪ 810 00:40:06,676 --> 00:40:09,678 ♪ We are screaming inside ♪ 811 00:40:09,761 --> 00:40:13,057 ♪ But we can't be heard ♪ 812 00:40:13,140 --> 00:40:19,229 ♪ I will remember you ♪ 813 00:40:19,312 --> 00:40:25,153 ♪ Will you remember me ♪ 814 00:40:25,236 --> 00:40:28,698 ♪ Don't let your life ♪ 815 00:40:28,781 --> 00:40:33,743 ♪ Pass you by ♪ 816 00:40:33,827 --> 00:40:41,377 ♪ Weep not for your memories ♪ 817 00:40:41,459 --> 00:40:46,006 ♪ I will remember you ♪ 818 00:40:47,508 --> 00:40:53,973 ♪ Will you remember me ♪ 819 00:40:54,055 --> 00:40:57,310 -What note can't you hit? -♪ Don't let your life ♪ 820 00:40:57,392 --> 00:41:02,481 ♪ Pass you by ♪ 821 00:41:02,564 --> 00:41:09,863 ♪ Weep not for the memories ♪ 822 00:41:09,946 --> 00:41:12,575 ♪ Don't let your life ♪ 823 00:41:12,658 --> 00:41:17,662 ♪ Pass you by ♪ 824 00:41:17,747 --> 00:41:20,749 (cheering) 825 00:41:20,832 --> 00:41:24,961 ♪ Weep not for ♪ 826 00:41:25,046 --> 00:41:27,631 -Yes, child, yes. Sing it! 827 00:41:27,714 --> 00:41:33,970 -♪ The memories ♪ 828 00:41:39,602 --> 00:41:40,727 (cheering) 829 00:41:46,234 --> 00:41:50,363 -Happy New Year, see you in 2021, boos. 830 00:41:50,446 --> 00:41:53,573 -♪ Lowkey Fuck 2020 ♪ 831 00:41:53,658 --> 00:41:56,327 ♪ Still sad still ain't got no money ♪ 832 00:41:56,410 --> 00:41:58,828 ♪ I ain't got a watch upon my wrist ♪ 833 00:41:58,912 --> 00:42:00,914 ♪ I just got some shit I gotta fix ♪ 834 00:42:01,539 --> 00:42:02,917 -Hi, ladies, 835 00:42:02,999 --> 00:42:04,377 you look gorgeous. 836 00:42:04,459 --> 00:42:07,088 Sorry I can't be on the floor with you. 837 00:42:07,171 --> 00:42:08,381 Where's my eyeline? 838 00:42:08,464 --> 00:42:09,423 (laughing) 839 00:42:09,506 --> 00:42:11,174 Eyelines to the podium. 840 00:42:11,258 --> 00:42:13,510 Feel free to look down, look around, 841 00:42:13,593 --> 00:42:18,557 like you would anyway. 842 00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:21,560 -2020 was a triflin' ho. 843 00:42:21,644 --> 00:42:23,979 -So true. 844 00:42:24,062 --> 00:42:26,106 -Hold up. 845 00:42:26,189 --> 00:42:27,316 -Nobody's here. 846 00:42:27,399 --> 00:42:29,776 -They will be. In the VFX. 847 00:42:30,443 --> 00:42:31,946 -This is nice. 848 00:42:35,533 --> 00:42:37,158 (cheering) 849 00:42:37,243 --> 00:42:39,412 -♪ I'm just stating the facts, this year is just whack ♪ 850 00:42:39,495 --> 00:42:41,955 ♪ Emotionally I am lonely and anxious ♪ 851 00:42:42,039 --> 00:42:43,582 ♪ And mad ♪ 852 00:42:43,665 --> 00:42:45,501 -Perfect, let's get you dancing. 853 00:42:47,044 --> 00:42:49,754 -♪ Lowkey fuck 2020 ♪ 854 00:42:49,839 --> 00:42:51,881 -Why am I dancing? What's the intention? 855 00:42:51,966 --> 00:42:53,591 -Christina Aguilera is singing "I Will Remember". 856 00:42:53,676 --> 00:42:57,680 (laughing) 857 00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:00,182 -I can give it a try. 858 00:43:00,598 --> 00:43:03,310 My dress is like vinyl, so... 859 00:43:03,394 --> 00:43:06,104 Latex, like, making some noise. 860 00:43:06,187 --> 00:43:07,689 -Fuck pants! 861 00:43:07,772 --> 00:43:08,857 Fuck pants. 862 00:43:08,941 --> 00:43:12,444 -Brown Band-Aids. End of racism. 863 00:43:12,528 --> 00:43:13,821 Brown-- woo! 864 00:43:13,903 --> 00:43:15,656 End of racism. 865 00:43:15,740 --> 00:43:17,115 (laughing) 866 00:43:17,198 --> 00:43:18,617 -Oh, shit. 867 00:43:18,700 --> 00:43:20,660 Oh, shit. Okay. 868 00:43:20,745 --> 00:43:22,787 (sighs) 869 00:43:22,872 --> 00:43:24,999 (laughing) 870 00:43:25,082 --> 00:43:26,834 I can't believe it!