SOCIALITE JOURNAL ERŞAN KUNERİ'S CINEMA DEBUT
Now let's shoot here for a change, shall we?
I'd like to send kisses to all the Erşan Kuneri fans out there
as well as to the actors who brought my movies to life.
Good job, kids.
I love your work. Kisses to you all.
Mr. Erşan, would you like to star in a new movie or TV series?
-Oh, would I? -You wouldn't?
-I'd be so good too. -Yeah?
I'd be excellent. Don't let my age fool you.
-You're not that old. -But no TV series.
-Why not? -I'd get bored by the staring contests.
-And I'm doing well financially anyway. -That's great.
-I'd just get bored. I would. -I see.
Now, look. Would you like to hear
what a fan wrote on the back of a postcard?
Yes, please.
"Mr. Erşan, I love all your movies," he says.
And then adds, "You're such a bastard." You hear that?
-That's my audience. -True.
My fanbase. "You're such a bastard."
He then asks, "Who did you steal Sugar Pasha from?"
Who did I steal it from?
Who would I steal from?
I steal from the best, of course.
You know what Picasso said, right?
"A true artist steals from the best."
That's exactly what I did with Sugar Pasha.
THE LIFE AND MOVIES OF ERŞAN KUNERİ
A fur coat in this heat?
I waited so long. I don't care if I get heat stroke.
Now that's true love.
It was on sale.
How's it going?
It's going amazing, Mami. It's truly something else.
It's the scene where Mr. Muhsin is released from prison.
He comes backstage.
Ali Nazik says to him,
"My good sir, I needed to save my own skin."
How does Mr. Muhsin reply?
"How did that work out for you?"
That's when the floodgates will open.
This is something totally new, Mami.
It's pretty amazing.
It's a great script, Erşan.
You've really outdone yourself with this one, huh?
Well, it's about the sentiment that sums up those years.
And about not just the long-lost Beyoğlu,
but also all the values that died with it, and--
Welcome, Yavuz.
Fahriye Abla was truly spectacular, Yavuz.
I truly admire all the effort you put in it.
-Tea? -No. I won't be staying.
Erşan, were you at the Galatasaray Bathhouse last Tuesday?
Yes.
I left a file there, in the locker room.
A script called Mr. Muhsin.
Mr. Muhsin?
It's so unfortunate. It was the only copy I had.
I looked everywhere but couldn't find it.
People saw you leave with a file, though.
But Yavuz, see…
The file I had was…
MR. MUHSİN ALİ NAZİK
It was Ali Nazik.
I swear I'll kill you. That's my magnum opus. Give it back!
Listen, Yavuz.
I read your script, and I fell in love with it.
I was moonstruck, blinded by my love for cinema.
That's why I stole it.
This is love, Yavuz.
What do we all live for if not love?
Nice line.
I forgive you.
I'll use it in one of my movies.
Go ahead and use it, pal.
In return, can I steal a few things from Tosun Pasha?
You're just hell-bent on never putting in the work, huh?
Well, yeah.
I'd die if this was lost.
Since you found my script,
you have my blessing to steal from Tosun Pasha.
Thank you. By the way, have you seen those new guys,
Uğur and Necati, the comedy duo?
Uğur is just the guy to play Ali Nazik.
You should really use him.
Not yet. We'll see.
Maybe. Hopefully. We'll try.
People in the industry should always support each other.
I just knew there was something fishy going on.
You've been fooling me all week. Beyoğlu, huh? Lost values, huh?
-You son of a bitch. -For God's sake!
See how Yavuz handled it with grace?
It's not Beyoğlu that's lost. It's humanity.
I won't stand here and take your nagging.
Tülay, get me Tosun Pasha's script.
-How? -Watch it and write it down.
We need a playful tune.
Like that.
After all, the guy did tell me to steal from Tosun Pasha.
For God's sake…
Sugar Pie Lady, Tosun Pasha…
Sugar Pasha!
Let's get the script first.
Necati!
Necati.
-Necati, where are the girls? -In the living room.
How can we be so unlucky?
We were so close to being out of the woods.
Give me the diamond. I want to take a look.
Listen, you fool.
If I see you drinking this damn thing when they're here,
I swear I'll string you up between two minarets like a banner!
-Got it? -I got it, man.
I promise. Not even a sip.
Nartane!
Nurtane!
Yektane!
SUGAR PASHA
İkrah, hey.
Pour some of that in here, will you?
Right here.
What did he just say?
What did he say?
What was it?
-Nezaket. -I've got this. Don't worry.
Listen to me carefully, girls.
I had to make a quick decision.
I couldn't respond negatively to the telegram.
-Is this how we're going to speak? -Yes, we are.
We'll be mindful of how we act and speak. Let's not give ourselves away.
Sugar Pasha's coming here.
His aide, Mr. Şuğnu, will be with him. So two people.
They'll spend the weekend with us.
So it's just two days.
I haven't been able to have a replica made yet.
But the original diamond is here. With me.
Once we have the replica,
we'll switch it with the original and skedaddle.
You said he wants to marry one of your daughters.
Which one of us, though?
Yeah. Didn't he mention it in the telegram?
No, he didn't.
What does it matter anyway?
Better safe than sorry.
Exactly.
I mean, maybe it's me, but I'd still have to see if I like him.
Don't be ridiculous.
You're my daughters. We'll say no and tell him to beat it.
Tell Sugar Pasha to beat it? And then what, he'll just leave?
Yes, we'll tell him to beat it, and he'll leave. Why wouldn't he?
I don't know, Father.
I heard he owns the entirety of Egypt. And he's bought half of Üsküdar.
That's just weird.
Why would anyone want an entire city? I really don't get it.
Besides, why would we care?
Let's be kind and generous hosts to them
and then send them away, all right?
-Look, Kirkor-- -Don't use my name, you buffoon.
They're here.
Let me be the pasha's welcoming party.
I'll give him a soldier's welcome. Don't worry.
-Where's the sword? A soldier's welcome! -Stop!
-Bekir! -I'll give him a most proper welcome.
-Bekir, son. Stop. Calm down. -Wait a minute. Just watch me.
-Calm down. -He's a pasha!
Stop, damn it!
-Let me do it, man. -Stop, son. Stop.
Stop, damn it!
You fucking asshole.
Attention!
-We made good time, right? -Indeed, sir.
You are most welcome, Your Excellency. I'm Agah. At your service.
How are you, Mr. Agah? Thanks for having us.
My pleasure, sir.
Chief, did you really buy half of Üsküdar?
He's not all there, sir.
This is my son, Necati.
Welcome, Your Excellency.
You rascal.
God bless him.
Mr. Agah's son looks just like you, Mr. Şuğnu.
Beg your pardon, sir?
-I jest, sir. -The pasha's known for his jokes.
-He has a full schedule. Shall we? -Of course, sir.
The mansion looks wicked.
There are a few issues with the roof, sir. The carpenter will be here next week.
We're currently having some financial troubles is all.
No, it's wicked in a good way. Beautiful.
After you, Your Excellency. After you, sir.
Stop it!
Mr. Agah, the roads are so crowded.
We only made it this early because the pasha was in the carriage.
We galloped through the emergency lane.
It'd be impossible if it weren't for the light bar.
I can't ever sleep on the road when someone else is driving.
I keep one eye open.
Thank you, darling.
Your Excellency.
Sir, this is my daughter, Yektane.
I am humbled, Miss.
Don't forget Mr. Aide.
I'll skip the coffee, Miss.
I'll take a bite of your sweet delight, though.
I served in Crimea, Your Excellency.
You did? Where were you stationed?
The mess hall.
I was too!
The pasha's jokes are sure nuanced.
The aide isn't half bad either.
Let's focus on getting through this safe and sound.
The jerk said he'd take a bite of my delight.
Such audacity!
Right.
I wonder just how hard you wagged your tail at him.
Mr. Agah,
you already know why we're here, so how would you like to proceed?
We were thinking of staying the weekend. Right, sir?
How would you like to accommodate the pasha?
Necati, for His Excellency,
let's prepare the big guest room.
And for his aide, the small one next door should--
We need to stay in the same room. For security reasons.
Chief, if anyone messes with you two, I'll fuck them up proper.
Bekir, hey. How about some fresh air, Bekir?
Necati, take Bekir outside.
Let's go.
-Your son-in-law, right? -Unfortunately, sir.
Oh, how we wish we had a better son-in-law.
We're here to make that wish come true.
There are better options, you know.
You're too kind, sir.
-And your luggage? -We don't have any.
His Excellency saw fit to bring but a small bag.
He says he doesn't need anything big since he only has a single outfit, so…
See, Mr. Agah, I…
I only take this with me on my travels.
Let me show you.
Just my toothbrush and my uniform. That's all I need.
Very well, sir. Very well.
-Did you say you had three daughters? -I have four, sir.
-Three of them are single. -Just asking to be sure.
-Here you go, Your Excellency. -Wow. This looks great.
Let us pee and poop and join you downstairs. Right, sir?
Right, of course.
Certainly, sir. Excuse me.
Thank you, Mr. Agah. Thank you.
Oh wow.
Just wow.
Dude. The girl was pretty, right? What do you think?
Mess hall in Crimea? Seriously, dude?
I was just kidding.
Why did you go off script?
What's wrong with a bit of improv?
The guy is sharp as a tack.
We only have two days, Apti. Please stop playing games.
What were you going to tell him so he'd show us the diamond?
-I have it in my pocket. -Repeat it plain and simple.
Hang on.
"Let's… Let's get this appraised."
"I'd like to give my future wife a gift of equal value."
That's what it says,
but I can close with, "Agah, you motherfucker."
Right at the end.
Stop horsing around, man.
Please just repeat what's on there.
Dude, you know…
The girl is gorgeous, man.
Maybe we should take her with us.
The girls are indeed pretty.
Have you seen the eyes on that one?
-Which one? -Just beautiful. I'll show you later.
Listen. There's no place for emotions in our line of work.
Flirt, but never fall in love.
Look. Once we get that diamond, we can have any girl we want, man.
-Can we buy half of Üsküdar? -Half? We'll buy the whole place.
How about somewhere along the line, I go,
"Come here this instant, aide!" and slap you?
If you need to.
Cool. I'll keep that in mind.
Let's poop, then.
I don't need to poop.
Kirkor, I have a feeling this will all go to shit.
Have patience, dear.
We can't just leave everything and run away.
Bekir, look here, you prick.
Didn't I tell you not to get drunk? You'll ruin the whole plan, you moron!
Kirkor, it's almost over. Please tread carefully, boss.
Necati, go to Şişhane at once.
Find Ara the jeweler and ask him if our stone is ready.
Got it. I'll leave shortly.
The pasha struck me as a bit naive.
I think I can make them leave tonight, after dinner.
What's the hurry, brother? Can't you see how excited the girls are?
A member of our troupe could leave here a pasha's wife.
Who knows?
You're just making stuff up, sister.
Don't be ridiculous, girls.
We'll take the diamond and leave.
What are you even talking about?
You'll be queens once we have the diamond. Why would you want a pasha?
But I like the pasha.
We're surrounded by acrobats, singers, and musicians.
It'd be good having a pasha as a friend. Sorry, but you're wrong here, Kirkor.
Shut up, you drunkard.
We're leaving this place
before the real Agah and his family turn up to spend the weekend.
I am Kirkor Papatyan of Galata,
and I'm going to see this vaudeville through.
Period.
You really have spared no effort.
Everything looks amazing, Mr. Agah.
Your Excellency, the lamb shank is from the Balıkesir region.
The animal fed on nothing but thyme.
Oh wow. Very well, sir. Very well.
Sherbet, sir?
I mean, Mr. Agah,
now that you've sized me up and I you,
are we really having sherbet?
I'll get you some wine right away, sir.
Bekir, pour a glass of wine for His Excellency.
As long as you can hold your liquor, right?
-Sure. -Certainly.
The pasha likes his drink. He's not shy about it.
Your Excellency.
It's Merlot.
A Merlot to die for.
-I can tell from the smell, sir. -Here, Mr. Aide.
Father, a word, please?
Of course. Your Excellency, would you mind?
Not at all.
What is it?
Boss, he says it's fucking impossible to distinguish it from the real thing.
Wow.
Ara said that?
He's that confident, huh? I'll keep that in mind.
-Let me see. -I swear they look exactly the same.
Would you look at that?
The bastard is a true artist.
It's an exact replica, bless him.
Let me see, Kirkor.
They really look exactly alike.
Seriously. Let me see. He really pulled it off.
Some people are so talented. This is the real one, right?
That's right.
Wait a minute. Stop doing that.
So this one…
This is it, right?
No, that's the one I brought with me.
-So this should be it. Here. -No, I…
-I brought the exact replica. -Calm down.
-Keep this so they don't get mixed up. -Which one is the real one?
This one?
-Boss-- -Here, then.
-Keep it so they don't get mixed up. -You fucking drunk idiot.
Why'd you get them mixed up? How am I going to tell now?
-I didn't. Is this it? -What? Give me that.
-Don't get them mixed up. -Give me that!
Mr. Agah?
Mr. Şuğnu?
Dinner's getting cold.
We just need to sort something out. I'll be right with you.
How about you show us the Ox's Eye diamond after dinner
so that we can feast our eyes on it?
His Excellency has been asking to see it ever since we hit the road.
We'll polish it with velvet and be there right away, sir.
You do that.
-Here. Polish it nicely with velvet. -All right.
I don't think it needs polishing.
Of course. It doesn't need polishing.
It sure doesn't need polishing, you fucking drunkard.
How am I supposed to know which one's which now?
You already know. Is that it? That's it.
Well, I'm quite the aficionado, sir.
I don't know if you've heard,
but The Motherland or Silistra will be on at the Gedikpaşa again.
Will you go watch?
I'm guessing a Silistra win, 2-0.
I see. What about you, sir?
Have you heard of the new club, Miss? What is it, 15 days old?
-Fenerbahçe. -From Kadıköy.
Right. I support them.
They sure know how to keep their fans on edge.
We watched one of their games at the stadium.
Although we were in the lead, we were like…
That's what supporting Fenerbahçe is like. Tensions are always high.
They say they'll get a new coach, but we'll see.
Your favorite composer?
Lapsekili Tayfur.
-Ditto. -Tayfur.
-Tayfur's really something else. -He's on another level.
My favorite novel is Recaizade Mahmud Ekrem's Carriage Affair.
Well…
I mean, come on!
He's a young man.
Of course he wants a carriage.
-It's not a big deal, Agah. -Nothing to write a novel about.
-People made such a fuss about it. -Right.
Thanks, Şuğnu.
Anyway, Agah,
let us see that Ox's Eye of yours so we can celebrate it.
-Of course, sir. -Come on now.
He's been asking about it.
Your Excellency, I present to you
our renowned family heirloom, the Ox's Eye.
I'd like to say a few words about its worth.
So far, no jeweler has been able to appraise it, sir.
Is it worth as much as half of Üsküdar?
Üsküdar? Come on. It's worth way more.
Is that so? Wow. What about Bağlarbaşı?
Bağlarbaşı, Hekimbaşı, Çavuşbaşı, all of them.
I better put it away now, sir.
What's the hurry, Agah?
Hey, Agah.
Tell me, do I look like a thief?
Of course not, Your Excellency.
So? Put that thing of yours in my hand.
I would never, sir.
-Let me hold it! -Sir--
-Ease up a bit, sir. -Let me give it a good stroke!
Don't be hasty.
-The pasha's jokes are sure nuanced. -You're so witty, sir.
So this is the Ox's Eye.
What can I say? May it bring fortune to its owner.
Right. Can I have it back if you're done, sir?
-Mind if I took a look as well, Mr. Agah? -Not at all, sir.
It is truly out of this world, Your Excellency. I mean…
It's outright beautiful.
-Agah. -Yes, Your Excellency?
Well, here you go, sir.
-Right? -The girls are so pretty.
Thank you, sir.
They're fucking gorgeous, man.
-Come closer. Come. -Yes, sir?
-Will you call me son-in-law? -You humble me.
Will you call me your son-in-law?
-You're so witty, Your Excellency. -How about we slow down a bit, sir?
Would His Excellency like some sorbet?
Sorbet? Sure, I could use some sorbet.
I'm so fucking wasted, Dilaver.
-You're just fine, sir. Everything's okay. -Hey, Mr. Aide.
Shall I play a tune? Would you like that?
Of course. I need to use the bathroom, though.
-Excuse me. -Of course.
I should go check on the sorbet.
I could drink this all the time.
Let's get out of here.
Wait. They got the diamonds mixed up. That might not be the real thing.
Mixed up? How?
Nezaket.
-The bathroom is that way, Mr. Aide. -Thank you, ma'am.
We're screwed. We can't leave tonight.
-The diamonds got mixed up. -I know. Bekir told me.
Do we have an oud? I need one.
How would I know? Check upstairs.
I need to check the other stone and compare the two.
We'll talk tonight.
-I swear I'll-- -Stop it!
Is that a horseman I see?
Ask him if he's from Baghdad
I'm head over heels again Trembling all over
I'm falling in love all over again…
Listen, you two.
Boss, what are we going to do about these guys?
Kids, the plan to replace the stone with the fake one has changed.
As soon as they go to bed,
we take both stones and get out.
But, Kirkor, the aide switched the stones.
There are three stones now. We can't go!
-Fucking hell! -Oh no!
Three stones?
How do we tell which one is which?
I mean, this is too much even for a vaudeville.
-What's going on? -We can't leave.
Why do you have the stone anyway? Give it to me.
I'm head over heels again Trembling all over
I'm falling in love all over again
I'm head over heels again Trembling all over
I'm falling in love…
Stop, everyone! Stop, damn it!
Stop playing! Wait a minute. Stop the music.
-But, Your Excellency-- -I'm talking here.
Give me a second, aide.
-Your Excellency. -Yektane.
All right.
You're worth more than any diamond.
I would give up half of Üsküdar for you!
-Come here right now, aide! -It's okay.
-I hereby give up Üsküdar! -Sir, listen.
-Sir-- -You're upsetting her too. Please.
How about also giving her brother a part of Sütlüce, Your Excellency?
-Who the hell are you? -Oh no. Please, sir.
I'm Necati, sir.
-Necati? Oh, Necati. -Your Excellency.
-I apologize on his behalf. -Why didn't you tell me before, man?
-Mr. Agah… Sir, he didn't do anything. -Be careful.
-Sit down. -I know. I just kissed him.
It's okay, sir.
-Wait a minute! -Let's take him to bed.
Everyone's invited to my engagement tomorrow!
-You're all coming or else! -Of course, sir.
-No. I said or else! -It's okay.
-We're sorry, man. -No worries.
-Let's take the pasha to bed. -Of course. Please, sir.
-Please. -Let's get you to bed, sir.
Look. I didn't mean to upset anyone.
-I'm in love. -Listen--
I am in love.
Sir, you're breaking my heart.
-I'm breaking your heart? -Please. The ladies are upset too.
-I'm sorry, everyone. -Come on, sir.
-It's okay, sir. -I apologize.
So I'm upsetting you?
I'm quite upset, yes.
-I'm so sorry. -I swear you're breaking my heart.
-There you go. -We inconvenienced them too.
-I… I apologize. -Don't mention it, Your Excellency.
-Let's just go to bed. -You've been a great host.
-Let's get you to bed, sir. -You… Wait a minute. Wait!
-But-- -Wait!
-You… -Just listen to me.
Let me just…
You think you can patronize me because I'm having trouble speaking?
-Asshole! -But…
Whoa, sir.
It's all right. Get it all out.
I got so messed up, man.
I shouldn't have mixed wine and raki.
And I drank way too fast.
What if the raki was bootleg?
I hope it blinds you, you dick.
Did you get the stone, man?
Yes, but we can't go because they switched the stones.
What? Who?
Listen. Tomorrow, I'll tell them I'm the real Sugar Pasha
and I had switched places with my aide.
Remember, you'll be the aide, and I'll be the pasha.
No way, man. I don't care. I'll stay the pasha.
-So you can take a shit on the carpet? -I don't give a damn.
I didn't rehearse for the role of aide. I'm the pasha!
Like you rehearsed at all!
Give me the stone. Let me see it.
The stone's gone.
-What do you mean? -It's gone!
You had one fucking job.
I came up with this plan.
They call me Dilaver of Ahırkapı. Don't get cocky with me.
You're going to do as I say.
Dude, don't piss me off.
Here, darling.
-Where is it? -Yes, hold it.
Thanks.
Listen.
That prick Kirkor is stalling us, but I don't know why.
We could've taken the diamond and left, but he had to complicate things.
Here.
Girls, I'm onto the aide.
I was eavesdropping.
He's Dilaver of Ahırkapı.
And the idiot with him clearly isn't Sugar Pasha.
But I'm not sure who he actually is.
Here. This is the one he snatched at the table.
God knows if it's the real one.
We could settle for it, but all the charade would be for nothing.
Girls.
You're still up?
We didn't know what to do with ourselves, sister.
-Is everyone asleep? -Yes, they are.
I had Ara open his shop.
Look.
This is the one we had.
And this is the pain in our butts.
Good. They both look good.
We'll take the other two from Kirkor
and slip away.
All right, love.
What was that?
I'm sorry, man.
I was just trying to up the intrigue.
-Tell me you were joking. -I swear I was joking, man.
Just a joke.
But you see,
there's another stone.
The fucking aide switched them with a sleight of hand.
There are five stones in the mansion as we speak.
We only know for sure that these two are fake.
Is that true?
Fucking hell.
Dilaver?
What's going on?
I'm going downstairs for breakfast.
Listen. You're going to tell them you're Mr. Şuğnu, the aide.
And if I ask you something, you'll say "Sir, yes, sir!"
Don't make me bring you down.
I meticulously planned all this.
If you ruin it, I swear I'll strangle you.
If you want your cut, you're going to play the aide!
Dilaver!
Your Excellency?
What's going on?
Fahriye, how did we manage to screw up this bad?
We really screwed up.
We were supposed to take the diamond and leave!
All right. Just…
Give me the one you have.
I nicked this off Kirkor last night.
Let's compare them.
You can't just tell them apart. Is this it?
Just give it to me.
They stole mine. I don't have it.
Good morning.
Good morning, Mr. Aide…
But, Mr. Aide, the uniform…
Mister, I'm Vahap Talha, also known as Sugar Pasha.
We staged a little play for you. It's sort of a tradition.
We switched places
to get to know the family and for security reasons.
And so I'd get to know the girls while concealing my identity.
How nice. Now, how should I put this…
And I'm Nurettin Sadri,
and it seems you take me for the village idiot.
But I really am Sugar Pasha.
Here's the title deed to half of Üsküdar.
-My goodness! Is that real? -Of course.
Mr. Şuğnu! Aide!
Hey, Mr. Şuğnu! Aide!
He had a little too much to drink. He might still be in bed.
Good morning.
-Good morning. -But… Father?
Son, His Excellency has played a joke on us.
I never said it was a joke.
I said we staged a traditional play,
like the ones with the aide, the maid, and all.
I knew it.
I swear I knew it. The posture, the grandeur…
Let me kiss your hand, sir.
-No need. -Please allow me, sir.
You crazy boy.
Your Excellency, breakfast is served.
Of course, but someone should get my aide.
He must be hungry.
-Certainly, sir. -After you.
-Head? -Absolutely.
-Good morning, sister. -Morning.
Good morning.
Just checking in on the aide.
Mr. Aide, sir?
Here. It's an exact replica.
Thank you so much, man.
Here.
This watch is very valuable.
If you don't get me my money in a week, forget about it ever existing.
All right, man. So be it. I'll do my best.
You really pulled it off.
It looks exactly the same.
Just the same.
Mr. Agah, as you might imagine, I lead a difficult life.
Why? Because you can't just get out and go places.
You always get judged.
I bet they start with calling you a rich bastard at the very least, right?
Or say, "Look at the asshole's carriage."
Or, "Too much contentment has turned him into a proper dickhead."
They wouldn't take it that far.
Why wouldn't they?
Drop it already, damn it.
Sir, if we have offended you in any way, please forgive us.
Darling, refresh his tea.
Thanks, but I've had enough tea. Thank you.
Your Excellency, if you don't mind, we have a question for you.
Darling, now is not the--
Please, Father. It's just that…
You wanting to marry one of us, was that part of the play too?
We just wanted to clear that up. Right, sister?
Yes, that's right. Can you please explain?
I mean, you came into our house
with that "I like your daughter, and I'm taking her" attitude and all.
That's just not how we were raised.
Maybe I'm being too blunt, Your Excellency,
but I don't know.
Or should I have called you Mr. Dilaver instead?
Dilaver? Now, where'd that come from?
My name is, you know, Vahap.
It's even in the encyclopedia.
How did you even come up with Dilaver, girl?
God bless her.
Mrs. Nezaket, where is my aide, by the way?
Sir, he's not in his room.
He's not?
Mr. Agah, here's what I think we should do.
You know how you have the Ox's Eye?
Now, what I have here, if you'll allow me,
is a title deed.
Look. It says Üsküdar.
It says Üsküdar. Well, actually…
It's half of Üsküdar.
Half of it, as you can see here.
Now…
I mean, I know it doesn't exactly match the diamond's value,
but how about I hand the deed to you and put the diamond to some good use?
You know, as an engagement gift. Would you be open to that?
The pasha says half of Üsküdar, Father.
That's right, but which half is it?
You know the entrance of the district?
-I do. -Think Salacak, the coastal side.
-That half. -Oh, the coast?
-The coast will surely rise in value. -Yes. Of course.
It's exactly half of it.
Here.
Forgive me, Your Excellency, but I don't know what to say right now.
-Half of it. -Necati, go see who it is, son.
-Now-- -He says it's the coast.
I've been banging at the door for hours, kid!
This is outrageous!
Do you know who you're talking to?
-Who, ma'am? -Who?
Who?
See, you don't even know who I am.
This is an outrage! Is he mad or something?
I swear, girls!
I've been screaming at the door. Why didn't you answer?
That one with the fucking mustache almost didn't let me in.
He just stared at me
even though I told him I was Yasemin, the wet nurse of Mr. Agah's daughters.
Yasemin who?
"Yasemin who," huh?
That Yasemin! Happy now?
Who the hell is she?
I have no idea.
Girls? She says she's your wet nurse. Tend to our guest.
Welcome, Mrs. Yasemin.
Thank you, Nartane, sweetheart.
Oh, Nurtane, Yektane, my lovelies.
Is that you, Agah?
You old lecher.
I recognized your voice right away.
Why didn't you let me in, you bed wetters?
Who is this man?
A stranger? Should I cover myself?
Oh, his medal just came off.
Stop the fucking vaudeville. Get out of here.
Here's your medal. Take a seat, son.
Sit down.
Listen! I have big news for you. You won't believe it.
There's this big rumor going around
that the Ox's Eye was stolen.
You know I have ears everywhere.
I immediately rushed to the Grand Bazaar
and asked the most well-known sorcerers to help me in my investigation.
It turns out
so much has happened
to the diamond!
Begone! We're in the middle of a conversation.
Your Excellency, please calm down.
Leave the poor lady alone.
Oh, my beautiful girl.
Your Excellency, you won't believe what I found out.
But we were talking about the title deed.
-Right. -Mr. Dilaver.
I think you should stop trying.
It seems he's quite shaken by the news.
His Excellency.
Bless you, darling.
Thanks for the water.
Bismillah.
Anyhow,
I ended up visiting Zuhuratbaba.
There's this man there.
He takes one look at the water
and tells you exactly where the diamond is.
I didn't hesitate to go there.
We've known each other for years, and I worked for you, after all.
So I took the diamond and came here.
Here you go, Agah.
That's not possible.
I have the diamond right here. See?
I wouldn't be so sure, Mr. Kirkor.
Maybe it's this one.
Who's Kirkor?
Nezaket!
Betrayal, huh? Fine, then.
Here's the real diamond. The others are fake.
Show them, girl.
This is the one and only Ox's Eye, lady.
Maybe it's this one?
It seems everything's all out in the open since we're all talking freely.
May God damn you all to hell.
Didn't I tell you to stay in character?
See, he hasn't broken character once in two days.
But, Mr. Agah, I really am Sugar Pasha.
Come on, for God's sake.
Here's an idea, Mr. Agah.
How about I keep all the diamonds?
I'll take them to a jeweler and have them figure out which one's real.
In the meantime, you can keep the title deed to half of Üsküdar.
You are really something, Dilaver!
There's no pasha, nor is there "half of Üsküdar."
This crook is Dilaver of Ahırkapı.
Mr. Agah…
It's Kirkor.
Kirkor Papatyan.
I know, my chameleon.
You do, huh?
And how exactly do you know Nezaket?
Why don't you go ahead and tell us?
Well, you're Apti of Balat!
You think changing outfits can hide that?
He came here disguised as a pasha, right?
You guys must've realized he's the guy who came here as a pasha.
-No. -No.
You can't be serious!
Will you stop?
Let's hear the lady out. Go on.
Girls, this water has the power
to distinguish real stones from fake ones.
Let's put all our stones in the copper bowl
and find out which one's the real diamond.
Yes, let's just do it.
I'll go first.
-Here we go. -All right.
-Here. -Here, take this too.
Yektane, thank you, darling.
Is this the one?
Or is it this one?
Or this one? That one? Or this one?
Let's see which one it is.
Abracadabra.
Which one shall be mine? Which one, huh?
The stones are now set.
They shall soak in the bowl and get wet.
And my mother-in-law
is the biggest snake I've ever met.
Abracadabra.
Which one shall be mine? Which one?
God forgive us. Bismillah. May the evil eye be gone.
-Shall I? -Do it.
Shall I take it out?
Go ahead and take it out.
-Do it. -You wish!
What? Is this a joke, lady?
No, son. See for yourself. Look.
This means all of them were fake.
Where the hell are the diamonds?
What diamonds?
Apti, I'll strangle you!
Easy now. Everyone back off. They call me Apti of Balat.
Fuck you and your plan, Dilaver!
I'd be a rich woman now if I stood by Kirkor.
You were the one who put me up to this!
You were in cahoots with him as well?
You guys even prepared fake stones and all.
We were going to steal them like decent people.
You ruined my foolproof plan, damn it!
Where are the diamonds?
No one's going anywhere.
We're all in this together!
Drop it. You too. Drop it!
Can I call you Kirkor?
Yes, damn it. You've been trying to trick me for two days.
But trust me, you'll pay for this.
What? Did I tell you I was a pasha? I came here as the aide.
He sucked so bad, I had to become the pasha.
Watch it!
Bekir, drop that gun, or I'll put a bullet in your head.
-Do it, you bastard! -Wait!
Why does no one in your crew listen to you, Kirkor?
Dude, are you out of your mind?
One of the stones has to be real.
Let's just split them among us nicely
and leave this place in peace. Easy!
Never! Why would I do business with you crooks?
How dare you? Besides, who are you?
I'm not saying we should split them in half.
Like, we can split them into ten. You get seven, we get three.
So a 30-70 split.
Who's going to calculate all that?
Wait a minute.
I've pulled off the greatest trick so far, so I deserve them.
Enough! I'll just start shooting.
Wait, love! Please.
-"Love"? -It's a joke.
A joke? I swear I'll shoot you first.
-Get the stones out! -Stop it!
What is going on here? Who are you people?
Well, sir… We…
If we had some playful music in the background right about now,
you'd see we are not the kind of people you think we are.
Like…
If we had some kanun tunes, you know--
Shut up, scoundrel!
"Scoundrel"? I love it. It's my favorite word of this era.
-Are all of them here, İkrah? -Yes, sir.
Mr. Kirkor, are you an actor, sir?
I am.
Sir, being an actor is a long journey.
Who is an actor anyway?
We exist as long as we play. Once we're gone, our voices--
And is thievery your personal hobby?
We gave in to temptation, Mr. Agah.
Whoever told you there was a diamond in this mansion
is the greatest offender here.
Yes, there is a stone here.
And it is called the Ox's Eye.
Necati, show them, son.
Here.
Same as yours. Exactly the same.
Mr. Agah, by any chance, is it worth about half of Üsküdar?
It'll barely cover a trip to Üsküdar.
It's from a chandelier.
Ara made this for us in Şişhane.
It's essentially a worthless piece of stone.
But word has spread that it's a diamond.
They call it Mr. Agah's Ox's Eye.
It holds no value at all.
We remove it from the box and show it around from time to time
to separate friend from foe.
The stone itself is worthless,
but it shows us who is actually valuable and where true value lies.
It is a touchstone, if you will.
Now get out of here. I won't report you to the authorities.
Mr. Agah, permission to kiss your hand, sir?
Absolutely not.
Just asking.
I'll kick your asses if I see you here again.
Hey, Tortoise Trainer. Shut up and mind your own damn business.
Screw you.
I know your kind very well.
Piss off.
What's your plan?
Go where the road takes us.
-Have you ever tried acting? -No, I've just seen a few plays is all.
-But you did the wet nurse justice. -Thank you.
You think I was better as the aide or the pasha?
You're not cut out for it, man.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
But I was the best drunk ever.
No, no. His drunk was better.
-I even thought he shat his pants once. -Why, man?
Just hop on, guys. You can talk later.
-Come on, boys. Come with us. -We might as well, man.
Go ahead.
Thanks.
Let's go.
Giddyup!
If we had some nice music right about now,
people could think we were good people.
You're right. I think it's time they played it.
THE END
I hate the idea of being a grumpy old man, all right?
So I'd like to send you off with a nice song.
Look. It's Neco.
His voice is truly one of a kind.
The one I'm about to play you was composed by Olcayto Ahmet Tuğsuz.
Take it away!
THE END
Subtitle translation by: Oktar Bumin Aykutlu