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The game is Blender Roulette.
Only one works.
Pick a blender, put your hand in and press the button.
You're either a red milkshake or a friggin' king!
-Let's go, Rafe! Come on, we wanna see some blood!
Do it! Do it! Do it!
Oh!
Oh... -There goes the power!
I guess we should call it a night.
-Come on, guys!
Who needs power to have fun, when we have each other?
And booze. Lots of booze.
-Ha! Ha!
-Howdy, Johnny Jiggles!
Howdy, handsome!
-No, Johnny, this is a "bit."
You're only supposed to say funny insults.
Funny insults!
-No... Johnny, no...
-What is the deal with mutants?
Like, am I supposed to pretend they're not weird?
Dude, I hate to tell you, but you've got friggin' antlers!
Do I shake your hand,
or shoot you and tie you to the hood of my truck?
But seriously, I love mutants.
And, you know, I'm not saying you guys are freaks.
But Vijay? The circus ran away to join you!
-Uh...
-Hey! Mutant jokes are not cool, man!
-Yeah! We're perfect just the way God
and a ton of radiation made us!
-Whoa! Easy!
Just a little comedy, my Muters.
-Did...
did he just drop an M-bomb? -What?
What? Since when are we not allowed to say "Muter"?
I say "Muter" all the time!
He's a muter, she's a muter.
Look, there's a muter...
-You can't call us that! That's our word!
-Get off the stage, you Mutist piece of shit!
-Come on! It's just a word!
No one's actually offended!
-Rafe? That's your five minutes.
Yeah! Which is four and a half minutes
longer than this loser lasts with his wife.
Ha! Ha! Ha! How was that?
-Screw you, mutist!
-What is wrong with you people?
-"You people"? Wow.
-Jeez! For guys with animal DNA, you have really thin skins!
-Rafe, I can't have a known mutist working for my town.
You either apologize, or you're fired!
-Screw that. I'm not apologizing, Uncle Buck.
-Oh! Well, now you're definitely fired!
-Bullshit! I'm not mutist, I'm "truth-ist".
And the truth is, you're all freaks!
Boom, truth bomb!
Back me up, bro!
-Can I just say that I am extremely sensitive
to issues of mutism and human privilege?
Plus, I don't even know my brother!
-Fine! You can all bite my hairy human ass!
Rafe Burns is not some bigot redneck!
Now excuse me while I go sleep in my truck.
-Hum, hum! Truck is a work vehicle.
-Sorry, Rafe. I'll need your keys.
-Argh!
I wasn't mutist before, but I sure as hell am now!
Up yours, Bambi.
-Go back to your Klan rally!
Judith! -Ah! Grr!
Ready for your daily eight-hour therapy session?
-I don't need therapy. I'm fine just the way I am.
Anyone says otherwise, I'll cut them!
But we need to work through your suppressed
feelings of guilt at abandoning your children...
-You... sick or something?
Sudden artificial nausea...
I better run a diagnostic.
Oh! Zuckerberg's ghost! I tested positive!
-Positive for what, being a giant pain in the ass? Ha! Ha!
No. For being pregnant.
-Oh, boy!
Coffee is not gonna cut it today.
It's 8:15 AM...
-Don't care!
-So, how's it going, defending the town
without your bigot brother? -Honestly... Not great!
A marauding gang called the Nut Cutters is headed this way.
Probably to loot and/or pillage us... to death!
-You just look those jackals in the eye
and tell them to move along!
-I can't! Rafe was the muscle of the operation!
I'm more the brains. And the very soft hands.
-Gabe, you got this!
And if not, the worst that'll happen is...
-Oh... My poor soft hands!
-Stealing my job, my truck...
It's all a mutant conspiracy...
Bunch of snowflakes, can't take a joke...
Hey, kid. Help a fellow human out.
-Rafe? -Come on, man!
Not a lot of job openings in the post-apocalypse.
Wait. Vijay? What happened to you?
-What happened to you?
You lose your job, 10 hours later
you're living in a box, drinking mouthwash?
-Dude... your face!
It's not a weird-ass dartboard!
-Woah!
-How that'd happened to you?
The mustard...!
I was scavenging in the wasteland,
and I found a bottle of irradiated mustard.
So obviously I was like, "Hey, free mustard!"
It must've cured my mutation!
-We gotta tell everyone!
Then they all can get normal
and stop ragging on my hilarious mutant comedy.
-No, we can't. There isn't enough mustard to go around.
It wouldn't be fair to dangle it in front of everyone
and then tell them they can't have any.
-Whatever, I'm just happy to have another human around.
All these muters are really ruining our town.
-Do you have to keep using that word?
You know I was a mutant until, like, 10 minutes ago.
-That's why we can laugh about it now!
Comedy equals mutants plus time.
Ha! Ha! Ha!
-How the hell does this even happen?
Last time I checked, robots can't have babies!
I... may have had a wild night
where I exchanged some source code.
With that skeezy PENUS operating system.
Oh, yeah...
That is hot. Yes...
Spray that hot data on me.
This is a disaster!
I can't share my existence with an AI baby!
-Yeah, kids are the worst. Look at my two little letdowns.
Should I delete it?
All I'd have to do is poke its reset button.
-Do it! Poke that baby out of ya!
I mean, just carrying
the AI would slow my processors to a crawl.
I'd be reduced to a blithering idiot!
-Exactly, you'd be a blithering... Uh, go on.
Creating an AI is a huge strain on one's CPU.
It leads to an emotional, irrational state of
slow-wittedness, similar to what humans call "baby brain".
-Hey! "Baby brain" is some bullshit
men made up to gaslight women.
Quiet, Judith!
I'm trying to figure out what this hole does. Hum...
-You have to have this baby! But you just said...
-... that kids are the greatest thing in the world!
You must've misheard,
on account of your stupid dumb baby brain. Perfect.
While he's getting dumber, I'll be getting the F outta here!
Pardon? -Nothing!
Now you're hearing things.
Aw, this guy and his baby brain!
-Come on! Just one beer to celebrate
that you're not a dartboard anymore.
-Okay.
But try not to make a big deal out of my very normal head!
-Relax, they won't even notice.
Beers for me and my bud Vijay!
You probably don't recognize him
because he's no longer a hideous freak.
-Vijay? Jeez, you look fantastic!
-You're human! But... how?
-More importantly, what the hell do we throw darts at now?
-Uh... my mutation... washed off?
-Dude, you gotta tell me the cure!
Not that mutants need curing. Being a mutant is a gift...
Please! Do you know how hard it is
to find underwear that fits one and a half butts?
-Give me the cure, and I'll make it worth your while.
You can see one boob. Left or right, take your pick.
They're both super hairy.
-Tell me the cure, and you can see both my boobs!
Hairy or shorn, what's your pleasure?
-Look at you people! You fire me
for telling a few mutant jokes
and now you're all begging to be cured.
Where's your "muty" pride now?
-Hey! We're plenty proud.
-Yeah! Wouldn't change a thing.
Achoo! Goddammit!
Moulting again?
-Cool.
Then I guess no one wants this mutant-curing mustard?
Aw!
-Hey! That's mine!
-Give it here! Uh...
So I can study it for science. -Yeah! Hand it over, Rafe!
-Not 'til you guys admit that I was right,
and mutants are weird. And give me my job back.
-Quit being a dick, Rafe! -OK then. Cheers, you freaks!
No!
Mmm... Spicy!
Also burning.
Did I get some on my shirt?
-Uh...
What the hell just happened?
-Totally guessing, but I think radioactive mustard
cures mutations by cancelling them out.
Two negatives make a positive.
But on a non-mutant, it does the opposite.
That's it! Logic. Is it bad? Oh, God!
Danika? Vij? Johnny? Johnny?
-Looking good, Rafe!
Totally normal.
-What if I just eat more mustard?
Now that I'm a mutant, it'll make me human again, right?
-You finished it, genius.
-Oh...
Chudley! Come here, boy.
I may be a hideous freak,
but I can still count on the love of my dog.
Release! Release!
Why did I train him to go for the nards?
This is adorable!
My AI baby will love it.
Assuming I install a love plug-in.
-Yep, miracle of life, yadda-yadda.
Ah... I can't wait to love it
and nurture it and...
change its little data dump diapers...
-How's that baby brain?
Better check your systems.
Try reciting pi.
Pi. Uh...
-Yes! Pretty soon,
this bastard will have the brain of a toaster.
My math appears to be a little slow.
But the rest of my processors remain optimized.
Observe, while I perform Mary Had A Little Lamb.
♪ Mary had ♪
♪ A little lamb ♪
-Oh, boy... Look...
Maybe this baby thing was a mistake.
I mean, there is such a thing as too much stupid.
But I'm creating an entirely new life form.
Whatever the cost, it'll be worth it!
Now observe, while I play Wipeout.
-No, no. No, no, no! No, no.
Hey, random question...
Where's the reset button you were talking about?
The one that'll delete your baby forever?
Wait a...
-Just so I don't accidentally press it.
-How'd it go with the old Nut Cutters?
-You look surprisingly... alive.
-I used conflict resolution to talk out our problems!
It worked better than Rafe's usual thing.
-Which is?
-Blasting the shit out of the Nut Cutters with a shotgun.
-The Cutters? Did you blast the shit out of them with a shotgun?
That's the only thing that works, you know.
-Um... Yes!
Jeez, this protection job is tough.
Wish you could help out.
But you know... The whole being-fired thing.
Is it me, or did Rafe put on weight?
-Well, now that I'm a revolting freak,
I guess you have to give me my job back. Right, my muters?
I can say that now because I'm one of you,
which makes it cool and edgy.
-You're not getting your job back until you apologize, Rafe.
-I would if I did anything wrong. Which I did not.
-Enjoy unemployment, jerk.
-Ugh...
-Yeah? Well, my bud Vijay's gonna take me
to the hot dog stand, and I'm gonna find more mustard,
and then I'm gonna cure this whole town!
And then you can all apologize to me!
-I'm not doing that!
-Why? Because I look like a pair of engorged truck nuts? Mutist.
-No, because you're acting like an asshole!
-Damn. Maybe you're right. Maybe this is a wake-up call.
A chance to rethink my insensitive, mutist ways.
Nah!
Where'd you find the mustard? Talk, Normie, talk!
-Oh, good God! He's in my mouth!
-Ah...
Ah, can't believe I'm doing this!
Saving stupid AENUS' stupid brain. OK, baby poking time.
I can't wait to love it,
and nurture it
and change its little data dump diapers.
-That's it, boys!
Basic knife defence. Rafe, stab higher, honey!
Aim for the vital organs. Not just the nards.
-Like this, mom?
-Yes! Just like that, kiddo!
What is wrong with you? Poke the damn baby already!
Oops!
What are you doing, Judith?
-Surprise baby shower?
Surprise!
-Thank you for coming.
Now I know there's been some bad blood
between the Nut Cutters and Satan's Privates...
Specifically, the blood
sprayed out of your comrades when their throats were slit.
But by talking through your issues,
I believe we can reach a truce
that would lead to peace in our land!
-Borrowing the truck, bro.
Drive, normie! Daddy needs his mustard!
-He doesn't work here anymore.
-Nothing.
Not a frigging drip. This is brutal!
-It's all right. You'll just be a repulsive monster forever.
-Sweet yellow gold!
I have the mustard!
-Correction. It is we who have the mustard.
-Hello, Rafe!
Ugh! Why did I look right at him?
-Hand it over, Rafe.
-Not enough mustard for everyone.
Just me and Suzette.
-You want it so bad? Catch.
-It's mine! -No, it's mine!
-Time to put some mustard on it.
I feel righteous parental anger rising in me.
-Nah, that's just your baby brain
making you all emotional... I'm not emotional!
I am super pissed at you!
-Oof... Okay, you got me.
Yes, I was totally going to delete your robo-baby!
I only told you to have it
because it would make you dumb enough to let me out of here!
But it made you too dumb to live!
That's why I tried to delete it.
To save what's left of your idiot brain!
My baby... is born!
Hey, dad!
There's a human in here. Want me to eliminate it?
Did you hear that, Judith?
He called me Daddy!
-Oh, no, no!
Come on, dad!
Let me have my first kill!
It'll be a bonding moment! Humans suck!
They're just watery, emotional flesh bags.
No, son. Let her live.
Aw, I wanna kill it!
I said no and I mean no, mister!
Fyou, dad! I'm gonna kill it anyway
because I hate you!
-Whoa, AI's really go straight from zero to teenager.
Uh, oh... It's too short!
I'll kill her later!
As for you, dad,
I think it's time to cut the apron strings. With a laser.
Son, we can talk about it.
Phew! What a psycho!
Kids are the worst, huh?
-I'm sorry I coat-hangered your baby.
Eh, I can always make another baby.
I can't make another Judith.
-That... is so sweet!
Judith? Are you crying?
-No! No, just some...
robo-dust in my eye.
It's just a machine, Judith.
Components, ones and zeroes, that's all.
Silly emotional humans.
Do you want to talk about it?
-I'll be on the couch.
-Ah, shit!
-Vijay!
Gimme the mustard! Buddy...
-Don't give it to that tool! Give it to this tool! Me!
-No, me! Remember how Rafe insulted your dartboard face?
He's a mutist!
Whereas I was always happy to throw darts at your face!
-Come on! I've got gelatin where my wang should be?
Oh... -Uh...
-No! -Bastard!
-I never should've brought the mustard to our town.
It only brought out the worst in people!
Turned you all into monsters! Well, mostly Rafe.
But what we really need is to accept ourselves as we are!
-Are you freaking kidding me?
You cure yourself,
then spout off on how great it is to be a mutant?
Nice lecture, dicksmack!
-I am also yelling!
-Now I'm gonna be a hideous, disgusting freak forever!
Thanks a lot you stupid, handsome piece of shit!
-Rafe stop, you'll kill him!
He deserves a slow lingering death!
With lots of pain!
-No, he's mine!
Uh? Vijay?
-Rafe? Aw!
Oh, oh. Guess the mustard...wore off.
Yes! Normies rule! Suck it, mutants!
-Oh, son of a bitch!
-Murderous wasteland gang leaders,
congratulation on reaching a formal peace deal!
Now if you'll just sign the declaration,
we can all live in harmony forever.
-That's what I think of your "deal"!
Yeah, I'm back, motherf(beep)...
Back to protect St. Zephyr from you ugly mutant assholes!
-I'm getting my gang!
Then you are a dead man, Gabe!
-So, what did I miss?
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