There she is!
Gloria!
Hi.
Welcome!
- You look great. - Thank you!
- Darcy, where have you been? - Hey! Hi!
I was just taking a minute. Is that allowed?
Not at your wedding.
- Your Ketel One martini. - Oh.
Obrigada, Jerome.
Where is the groomzilla?
Tom is not a groomzilla, okay?
He just committed to making every detail perfect.
You should have taken your father's money for this wedding.
Then, professionals would make everything perfecto for you.
Mom, I've told you. We are adults
and we wanted to pay for our own wedding so it could be what we wanted.
And this is what you wanted?
That was a printing error.
♪ E is even more than Anyone that you adore ♪
♪ And love is all That I can give to you ♪
♪ Love is more than Just a game for two ♪
♪ Two in love can make it ♪
♪ Love was made For me and you ♪
Hoy!
Oh! Oh!
Hey!
Oh, I almost shoot you!
I thought you're a pirate but you're just a guy.
Ah, this is for your bride, huh?
Yeah, trying to surprise her.
I saw something just like it on Etsy,
and it looked perfect, but now I'm not so sure.
Now, I wanna be romantic but not too corny.
There's a really fine line between the two.
Aren't you supposed to be over there?
Your rehearsal party.
Oh, my God!
I need you to talk to your father's yoga teacher.
- Girlfriend? - Yeah, whatever.
She keeps smiling at me.
Can you tell her to stop smiling at me?
Yes, Mom.
I will tell Dad's girlfriend to stop smiling at you.
That won't cause any issues.
Also, I cannot sit at a table with Tom's mother.
On the boat here, she tried to start a sing-along to South Pacific.
She's excited. Okay?
She's never been out of the country before.
What kind of a grown woman has never left the country?
Please, Mom, for two days, can you just get along with...
Carol!
♪ I'm gonna wash that man Right outta my hair ♪
♪ And send him on his way ♪
I've been looking forward to this moment
ever since baby Tommy was cut out of my abdomen.
Oh, my God,
I have never been on a private island before.
I've never been even on an island before.
Actually, you know what? That's not true.
I went with the Heibermans. We went to Mackinac, you know,
before they moved to Bloomington.
Have you ever been to Mackinac, Renata?
I don't know what that is or most of the words you just said.
Wouldn't she just love it, Larry?
Oh. Hi, Darcy.
Hey, Larry.
I didn't see you there.
- Hi. - Hi, Renata.
Guess what? We got you a gift.
- Oh, you didn't have to. - Yes, we did.
It's the biggest day of our lives tomorrow.
What are you talking about?
- Come on, open it. - Okay.
- Larry, she's opening. - I get... Oh.
Ah-uh-huh.
Oh. Someone just left that in the bathroom.
Oh, you're a lifesaver, Margy.
I cannot believe I'm late for this.
The guests are already mingling,
and your Darcy is talking to both the mothers.
Oh, no. Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Oh!
You got my daughter rusty knives?
It's your "something borrowed."
Everyone in our family uses them on their wedding day.
Brings you a lifetime of good luck.
Except for Uncle Greg
who ended up getting decapitated on that forklift.
But that's not the knife's fault.
Darcy!
Dad!
- Gracias. - Mm.
Carol, you look lovely.
Mm. Mm.
Larry, hello, sir.
- Hey! - I'm gonna kiss you too.
- Oh. - Mm.
- Sorry. Done? - Yeah, okay.
Renata.
Roberto.
I love that you two are still friends.
- Peekaboo! - Oh.
Hi!
Mwah. Mwah.
Mm!
Oh, Darcy, I am so honored to bear witness
to this sacred observance of rebirth and devotion.
- Same. - Thank you.
Renata.
I need to go to the ladies' room.
Hey, me too.
When I'm in formal wear, I like to pee standing up. How about you?
- Sorry. - That's okay.
Thank you, Margy.
Oh, hey.
- Hey. - How are you?
- Oh. - Oh, my God.
- That's for you. - Thanks.
Big papi.
My man. Mwah.
- This... I just... - Nice to see you, Dad.
- Señor. - Let's just, uh, stick
with "Robert" for a little while.
- Right. Robert. - Tom, I heard
you were the one who found this incredible resort.
- Yeah. I did. - Yes.
I actually study bioresonance, and this place is
teeming with energetic vibrations.
- Mm. - It's just like
our room teeming with bugs.
The, uh, Four Seasons would've been nice, but you didn't want my help, so...
Some things are more important
- than money, Dad. - Yeah.
That's debatable.
Well, I need another drink.
Yeah.
No, I'm good. Gracias.
Okay, well...
I'm fine.
Is he ever gonna like me?
Yes, if you just chill out and start acting like yourself.
God, our families are a lot.
- What do you mean? - And where have you been?
I was just finishing up a little project.
What'd I miss?
Oh, well, your mom gave me cursed knives.
And then my mom almost yelled at my dad's girlfriend for smiling.
- Oh. - Oh, also,
your cousin, Amy, asked where she could charge her vibrator.
Oh, so, Cousin Amy came?
She will soon.
Um, what are you wearing?
Oh, it's, uh...
Why is your hair all wet?
Oh, I... I just... I...
You know, I went for a little moonlight swim.
You fell in the water, didn't you?
Yeah, I fell in the water.
You know, it's kinda cute how bad you are at lying.
Just... Just promise me...
Promise me, you won't let go of my hand for the rest of the night, okay?
I promise.
Ace.
Ace just put on the honeymoon playlist. I need to change it.
Well, is "need" the right word?
- Dad, please. - Oh, yeah.
Tommy, Tommy, I need you for, like, five minutes.
- What? No, no, no, no. - It's an emergency.
I've been working on my best-man speech, right,
and it is going really well.
- Hi. - Hey.
Dad's girlfriend just asked me what my love language is.
She sucks.
Happiest I've seen you in 20 years.
- Thanks. - Cheers.
Dad invited your ex?
God! How does he just keep getting hotter?
Looks like he's leading a porn safari.
I didn't wanna invite him,
but Dad insisted because he said Bali was so close.
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. wow, wow.
Dad is a messy bitch who loves the drama.
Well, he never RSVP'd, so we thought we were in the clear.
I didn't think he'd actually come. You know, he never RSVP'd.
No, that's a very, very cool move. I'm really excited to meet him.
Oops, looks like he was in a rush
and forgot to button his shirt all the way up.
Deedee.
- Hey, man, how are you? - Hey.
Hi, Sean!
I am so sorry that I'm late.
Your dad needed me to go to Japan at the last minute,
and then, you know, I had to charter a jet from Kyoto,
- just like a whole thing. - No, it's okay. We just...
You know, we didn't know you were coming.
Your dad and I wanted to surprise you.
Look, babe, you know I wasn't gonna miss your wedding
for anything in this world, right?
- Sean, I want you to meet Tom. - Tom.
- Oh, hey! - Tom!
- Tom, Tom, Tom. - Sean. Yeah.
- Nice to meet you. - Hey, Tom.
Man, I have been dying to meet Deedee's ball player, man.
What position you play?
- I'm a... Well, I... - He's a designated hitter.
Uh, unfortunately, they didn't pick up his contract,
so, technically, he's unemployed, but...
Cut from the minors at 40.
That's a tough break, Tom. But if you stay positive,
you could have a really great future in coaching.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
That is an excellent idea.
- I think so. - Thank you.
Yeah.
Is it time for dinner?
We are so very touched that you all made the trek out here.
You know, we really wanted to pick a place that was convenient for none of you.
You know what, I talk too much at the law firm.
So I am going to hand it over to the man of the hour,
the guy who made this whole weekend happen,
my lovely Tom.
Thank you.
- Do it! - You go, girl!
Uh...
- Yeah! - You got this.
Right?
I can just wing this, right?
Darcy talked a lot about, uh, her time in the Peace Corps in Bali,
and I thought, you know,
how cool would it be if we got married there.
And then, I realized that Bali was un-Bali-vably expensive.
I think the Philippines are better.
Right, Ace?
Ace agrees. Next.
Aw!
I know a lot of you were there to witness my proposal.
The shock and surprise. Priceless.
Anyway, Mom and Dad, I just wanna say thank you.
Your commitment is something that we can only aspire to.
- Oh, my God. - Robert, Renata,
we hope our marriage is nothing like yours.
Pivot, baby. Pivot.
I mean, that's not a... a character judgment, by any means.
I mean, 50% of marriages end in divorce, right?
Ha! Wonderful.
Cheers, everybody.
- Cheers, cheers, cheers. - Cheers.
Oh, my God. That did not go well.
No, that was awesome.
So Deedee and I met in the Peace Corps in Bali.
And one day, we had to run these medical supplies to this village.
I decided to teach her how to drive the boat,
so I could sleep and she could do all the work.
The first time our girl gets behind the wheel,
she gets a damn speeding ticket from the coast guard.
Right? Deedee doesn't do anything half-assed.
She sees what she wants,
she goes after it, and she doesn't settle for less.
It's true, it's true.
So, as some of you may know,
Deedee and I were, 100 years ago, were engaged.
But she called it off.
No. No, no, no, no.
She was waiting for Tom.
And that guy right there has gotta be a one-in-a-million supernova
to snag that beautiful soul.
Thanks.
- Thanks, Sean. - So, in conclusion,
I just wanna say one thing to you, Deedee.
Katuk kak ci.
What's... Katuk kak what?
Oh, God. Um, it's hard to explain.
It actually means, um,
"Fuck your grandpa." It's just...
Well, that's not that hard to explain.
Yeah, well, I don't know. Just, in Balinese, it's super offensive.
Yeah, well, it's offensive everywhere, no?
- Yeah. I mean... It just... - "Fuck your grandpa!"
- It just made us laugh. - It is funny.
Hi, everybody.
I'm Tom's baby sister, Jeannie.
- Yeah, Jeannie! - Hey, Jeannie!
Wow, Sean's speech, wasn't it somethin'?
Honey?
Maybe we should just, you know, call it a night.
No, babe, you go ahead.
I gotta finish these centerpieces and rearrange the seating chart
now that Sean decided to show up.
Tom!
Let's have sex.
Yes. Yes.
Just... Just... Just... Just gimme... Just...
I just have to finish these pineapples real quick.
Okay. Um...
But do you really have to finish pineapples right now?
Oh, my God. I love you in a T-shirt and no pants.
I'm just gonna reach over here,
this high shelf, so I can get something to read.
Why is it so sexy when you can't reach high shelves?
So, um...
I'm sorry, miss, but it was...
- It's this one here? - No, no, no.
It's the one over there.
- Sir, please. - Oh, this one.
- This one. - Yes.
- That? - Thank you, sir.
Okay. Glad I could help.
I miss you.
It's been a while, huh?
I know.
I miss you.
Could I ask you a question?
Is it a sexy question?
Um...
Just wondering why you called off the engagement with Sean again.
That is so not sexy.
I... I told you this.
We were young, we were in Bali,
and then one day, I woke up and it just didn't feel right.
- Okay? - Okay.
But you said yes.
You know, what changed your mind?
I don't know.
Uh, he... he started working with my dad,
he changed, and all he cared about was status and money.
Anyway, why do you want to talk about my ex
the night before our wedding?
I don't know. Maybe because you invited him to our wedding?
Remember, I didn't.
My dad asked me to invite him. What was I supposed to say?
I don't know. Uh, no?
If you remember correctly, I didn't wanna invite anyone.
I wanted to elope.
The only reason I agreed to a traditional wedding
was because you said that we'd have moments alone.
Hey, hello. It's Carol.
Hi. Hello.
Your future mother-in-law, Carol.
Yep, I know your name, Carol.
I brought some of the extras for the welcome bags
in case you want to make one for Sean.
Oh! Oh.
Great. Thanks.
All right, thanks.
Tommy, she's not wearing any pants.
I just want to ask,
and... and I hope it's okay.
Is that genetics,
or is it, like, Pilates or something?
Mom, now is not the time for this.
Yes, all right. But, you know, we need to get you outta here.
It's the night before your wedding, and you can't spend the night together.
- No, Ma, it's just... - You can't. It's bad luck.
You know, his cousin, Jenna, she spent the night with her husband.
Lo and behold, she got Lyme disease, and now she can't wear sandals.
It's a tradition.
Oh. Look at the happy couple.
Where have you been?
You were supposed to do my hair.
Now birds are gonna lay eggs in it.
I know. I overslept. I'm sorry.
Kind of, sort of, slept with Ricky last night.
- Ricky? - Yes. I'm sorry.
I just, I was in the mood for something, you know, that wasn't quite right.
Like ordering a hamburger at a sushi bar or something.
I'm just gonna avoid him today. It's fine.
He's Tom's best man.
You two have to walk down the aisle together.
I am very good at ignoring people that I'm standing next to.
- No kidding. - Ready?
I can't believe you agreed to wear Carol's wedding dress.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
You look beautiful, no matter what.
She's ready!
Hey, should we all do
a round of tequila shots?
Well, I Scotchgarded the dress, so try not to inhale the chemicals.
Where's the veil? Where's the veil?
Okay.
Well, yes, tequila.
Unless we get the bottle, I'm not set.
No, no tequila.
Oh!
The prettiest of them all.
You look so much better than the rest of us.
This dress is just wonderful.
I wore it for my wedding,
Jeannie wore it for hers, and now you're gonna wear it for yours.
Oh, my gosh.
Look at you.
Oh, it's white coral made out of tissue.
Um...
Something doesn't, you know, feel right.
Do you think if we blew-dried the veil,
- it would be more fluffy? - Okay, so what I'm seeing is,
I think that the left boob is actually slightly lower
- than the right boob. - Like floof, floof, like that?
Hey, something kinda magical happened with me last night.
Theoretically speaking...
...would it be weird or wonderful
if we married sisters?
Yeah, sure.
Hey, psst, Larry. Tom's being boring.
Come film me doing a backflip!
Oh, I... I don't think I should walk.
All right.
It's time.
Wow!
Look at you.
Okay.
You wanted to talk.
I know it's last minute.
I just...
I hated the way things ended last night, and...
And I didn't want our wedding day to start off on a bad note.
Oh, my God.
God, I thought you were calling it off.
Calling off the wedding?
- Why? - Uh, I don't know.
I mean, this weekend hasn't exactly gone to plan.
You and I have been arguing more in the last few months than we did
our first four years together.
I don't know. I guess I thought
weddings were supposed to be fun.
Oh. Okay.
Well, I'm sorry I didn't make your wedding more fun for you.
Well, no. That's... Darcy, that's not what...
And it's not my wedding. It's our wedding.
Hardly.
Yeah, Tom.
You got so fixated on the wedding that you...
you turned into a different person.
I'm sorry. I just wanted everything to be perfect.
Why is that so important to you?
Why isn't it important to you?
It's like you don't even care about the wedding.
Well, I... Of course I care.
Oh, yeah?
You're the one that insisted that we pay for this wedding.
Yet I'm the one that's bargaining
with all the vendors and DIY-ing everything,
and all you're saying is, "I don't know. It looks good,"
you know, "Sounds good, Tom. Whatever you want."
I told you that I did not want a big traditional wedding.
Okay? I'm not some blushing bride. I'm a grown woman.
I don't want my daddy walking me down the aisle.
I don't need a big princess dress,
and I certainly don't need a wedding registry.
I have my things already. I like my things.
I wanted a Roomba.
Well, she's not up in the lobby.
I can't get through on my phone.
Oh, my God. They've fallen in a ditch.
What? And how do you know that?
I don't know.
I just have a sixth sense about these things.
Ace and I will take a look around.
Don't worry. We will find them.
- Check all ditches! - God.
I wanted it to just be you and me in the middle of the ocean.
And for the 400th time, that would've killed my mother.
Ugh. Right.
And that's why I'm in your mother's dress
with an extra 10 pounds of hair on my head.
But the truth is, you have not listened to one thing I wanted since you proposed.
Okay, well, Darcy, I'm listening. Enlighten me.
What is it? What is it that you want?
Tom, we've... We talked about this.
I told you on our very first date, I didn't want a big wedding.
Well, I thought you changed
your mind about that.
Why did you even agree to do it then?
Oh, I... I don't... I don't know!
Okay? Because...
Because I love you. Because I... I w...
I wanted you to be happy.
Go! Come on, move!
Everybody, move! Come on!
Move along.
Go outside, go outside right now. Come on. Come on.
If you don't wanna go through with this,
it's not too late.
What?
No. We brought everybody that we loved down to the Philippines for our wedding.
I'm in this dress! We're doin' this!
Oh, that was beautiful. Are those your vows?
Oh, my God.
You convinced yourself that I wanted to call off the wedding,
and now you're making it happen.
Oh, there you go. Lawyering yourself out of any real responsibility.
You cut me with your ring!
Won't happen again.
Great!
Why don't you go be with Sean?
Maybe you guys could go bang some grandpas!
I don't know why. I have a bad feeling about this.
It's gonna be fine, honey.
I think you might be overreacting.
Hold still! Get down, get down, get down!
No running!
- Everyone! - Get down.
To the pool! Now!
First rows, go!
Go, go, go!
Everyone, this way! This way!
Come on! Come on! One line! Let's go!
Let's go!
Darcy.
- Guys, go! - Go, go, up there.
Up there! Up there! Go! Go to the end.
- Go, go! - Everybody, walk!
- Keep going. - Let's go.
Go!
Keep moving! There you go.
Turn. Turn. Go!
- Line up. - Keep moving.
Line up, go!
- Now! - No.
And into the pool.
Now. Go!
Go in. Faster, faster, faster.
- Get in the water. - Let's go faster.
- Drop the phone. - But my phone will get ruined.
I think that's the point, sweetie. Just drop it.
Yeah, but I haven't backed it up in a while.
- Drop it! - Okay. Okay.
No need to be scared.
As long as everybody follows directions, no one gets hurt.
Raise your hand when you hear your name.
Robert Rivera.
Robert! Robert.
They're calling you.
Thanks a lot, Carol.
- Larry Fowler. - Present.
I... I'm Carol, his wife.
Just so you don't have to make two trips.
Wait, wait. I'd like it in the center.
Sean Hawkins.
If you hurt anyone in this pool, you're gonna have to answer to me.
Is this the hero of the group?
Yes.
No. Oh, my God.
There is always one.
All right.
Where is bride and groom?
She's there. Isn't she the bride?
Oh. No.
Amanda thought it was appropriate to wear white to a wedding.
I didn't know that was a rule.
Yes, you did.
- You're a gaslighter. - Yeah.
You see, this is a problem.
They could call police. And if police come,
we kill everyone.
Oh, my God.
Okay, um, I... I saw Tom headed towards the nature walk before the ceremony,
and I noticed that his frequency levels were dangerously low.
I think he's getting cold feet.
Tommy has cold feet?
Is this really what we should be worrying about at this point?
I'm a mother. I can worry about a lot of things at the same time.
Like Larry's mole.
Oh, it's fine, sweetie.
- It's getting bigger. - Spread out.
Look for them.
Hey, uh, I... I... I texted you this morning
and I didn't hear anything back.
Are you being serious right now?
No. No.
Darcy!
Darcy! Hey!
No, no, no, no. Darcy.
- Darcy, I'm coming in. - Fuck off, Tom!
Oh, thank God.
Listen, I know you're mad at me right now, but you have to let me in.
Why would I be mad? I'm awesome.
I'm on a tropical island, I'm having a liquid brunch,
and I don't have to answer to anybody!
Oh, my God, this is not happening.
Oh, it is happening, buddy.
Okay? And once I get this hair condo off my head,
I'm gonna march down to that beach and tell everybody how you blew this up!
Shh... shh!
Are you seriously shushing me right now?
What the fuck?
Is that blood?
There's no time for a blood freak-out right now.
Don't tell me...
There are pirates outside,
and they took everybody hostage.
What?
- We have to get help. - No, no. No. No.
- The phone is dead. - Oh, the Wi-Fi too.
Marge said the cell service is better on the north side.
Why did you pick an island with no cell service?
Because I wanted people to be present and in the moment.
Jeez!
I can't breathe. I can't breathe!
I know. Me neither.
No. I... I really can't breathe. It's the shapewear.
Please help me get out of this dress now.
Now!
Would you relax?
What did you just say to me?
I said everything's gonna be okay.
Dress is like a riddle.
Oh!
God, I'm gonna die in this dress!
Oh, door latches from the inside.
He's gonna know we're in here.
He's also gonna know we're in here when he comes in here and we're in here.
He'll think we're in the shower.
What... What?
And come back at a better time? Leave a note?
All right.
Okay, h... here's the plan. He comes in, he's gonna think we're in the shower,
then I jump out and I trap him in the net.
Oh, my God, that's an amazing plan.
- Yes! - No!
You're gonna throw a net over a pirate?
Have you ever tried to get out of a net?
It's very hard to get out of a net.
Okay. How about...
How about this? I spray him in the eyes.
How is hairspray in the eyes better than a net over his head?
Wait! Yes, that's actually...
That's actually... You spray that.
I'll light the match. It'll be like a flamethrower.
- I mean, it won't work! - Why?
- Too many steps. - It's two steps.
It's two steps. Flamethrower, net.
I pop out and I put the net over his head. I'll surprise him.
No, Tom, because bullets shoot through nets!
- Technically, yeah. - Technically?
Technically, he won't be able to shoot straight
because he'll be all fuckin' wrapped up in the net.
I swear to God, if you say "net" one more time...
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Psst. Flamethrower.
I'm gonna fuck him up.
Fuck!
Ow!
- Never mind! Never mind. - Why did you do that?
Never mind!
You were right.
That hairspray was so much worse than the net.
- Ow! - Get up.
Okay.
- Come on. - Don't strangle me.
- Turn your arm. - I have them alive.
Wait, wait. What?
Bungalow 15. Pick me up.
Go collect them.
And then we can begin.
You doing okay, Jamie?
My stomach feels like it's gonna fall through my asshole.
But otherwise, I'm chill.
Listen, it's normal to feel scared.
But I'm not gonna let anything happen to you
or your family. Promise.
Hey, Sean?
I am also feeling scared.
Like the most scared I've ever been in my whole life.
It's like I just watched The Ring, you know?
Robbie, baby, I want you to practice the breathing exercise
that we learned at Esalen, okay?
I'm gonna hit a pressure point. Ready? And...
Breathe. Breathe.
From the diaphragm.
- I think I'm gonna throw up now. - It's okay. You're doing fine.
If he keeps making that noise, just go ahead and shoot me.
The happy couple will be here in a second.
So let's get to business.
Where is the father of the bride?
Robert. He's calling ya again.
Thanks, Carol.
Okay, what do you want?
Well, we call my colleague on the satellite phone,
and you transfer $45 million to a bank account.
What? What?
I don't have that kind of money.
We googled you. Net worth is $60 million.
I'm not giving you anything until I find out if my daughter's safe.
- And your son-in-law. - Yeah, him too.
Okay.
I can wait two minutes to take all your money.
This way.
You want some pineapple candies?
They're from that weird welcome bag we got, but I found them in my pocket.
No, I don't want loose, wet candy from your gross pockets.
Okay.
Suit yourself.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- I'm starving. - No.
- You're an asshole. - Hmm.
God, I can't believe that I had sex with you.
Honestly, I was pretty surprised by that too.
My parents, they got divorced when I was in high school,
and my first engagement was a disaster.
What about you? Are you dating anyone?
Have you always wanted to be a pirate?
No more talk, lady.
Excuse me, sirs.
Darcy, they're gonna hurt you.
I just can't help but notice that you guys smell like cigarettes,
and I am loving it.
Is there any way I could bum a cigarette?
I mean, I think it might help with the...
the panic and dread I'm experiencing right now.
Since when do you smoke cigarettes?
It's...
I just... You don't even have to untie my hands.
I mean, I... I can smoke with no hands.
You could just put it right in my mouth.
Give her a cigarette.
- Please. - Maybe it will shut her up.
Yes, yes, yes, it will shut me up.
Oh, thank you.
You guys are the...
best.
What?
Fire!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Flamethrower!
Oh, my...
See, that's why you only have a plan with one step!
- No! - Oh, my God!
- Get the brakes! - I'm trying! I'm trying!
Cliff!
- Cliff! Cliff! - I see it!
Get it into park!
I'm trying!
- Oh, God! Oh, my God! - God!
Oh, slide out!
My dress! My dress, Tom!
Tom, don't let go!
Don't you let go!
I'm stuck! I'm stuck!
Go!
Go. Go, go, go. Go, go, go.
Quick, do something baseball-y.
What? This is nothing like baseball!
- Down! Down, down! - Fuck!
- He's out of ammo. - Right.
- Run at him! - What?
- Go. Believe me, just go! - No, no, no!
- Grenade! - He has a grenade!
Sir!
Sir, sir.
Give me the grenade, sir. Sir!
Sir, give me the grenade. Sir. Sir!
Ah-ow. Ow!
Oh, my God.
- Is he dead? - I don't know.
Are you dead?
Oh, yeah, he's very not alive.
Not alive. Oh, boy.
- Yes! You killed him! - Yeah!
Yeah, I killed him! I killed him!
Oh, my God, I killed a man.
I killed a man. No.
How do you feel?
I feel... Oh, my God. I feel horrible.
- Yeah. - But excited.
You know, like, happy. Like, I'm gonna shit my pants.
- Yeah. - You know, like,
but in a good way. You know?
Huh.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna go to prison.
- I'm gonna... - No!
- Yeah. - No. It was... It...
It was self-defense. He was trying to kill us.
Any court would...
Any court...
Are you okay?
Yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine.
It's just, you know, I looked over there and I saw all the blood.
And, you know, I think I saw some brain.
- Was that brain stuff? - Yeah. Yeah.
And so I'm just gonna look up at the sky and... so I don't pass out.
Okay. Well, you know what? Maybe we should...
Let's just step away
from the scene.
- And don't look down. - Okay.
- Just don't look down.
They should be here by now.
Head up the road.
- Check on them. - Yeah.
All right. We need to get off this island.
Well, it might help that I got this grenade for us.
I mean, he was trying to blow us up, but I got it.
I got it. Another point for Darcy.
Okay, Darcy.
Uh...
Do you remember
that time that we were driving down the highway
and you very calmly told me to pull over?
And you waited until we pulled over
to tell me that there was a giant spider on my head?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, well, that was very smart.
Because if you had told me before, I might have panicked and crashed the car.
Wait. Is there a spider on my head?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no. I tell you this story because...
I don't want you to panic
when I tell you what I'm about to tell you.
Your grenade doesn't have a pin.
- What does that mean? - Well...
Well, is it... is it... is it gonna explode?
No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.
Hold it exactly how you're holding it. Good. Good.
- Okay. Okay. - Mm-hmm.
That pin holds the handle on.
But when you let go of the grenade, the handle pops off,
which lights the fuse, and the whole thing goes...
boom.
How do you know so much about grenades?
Video games.
So what should I do? Should... Should I throw it?
Well, my concern is that you won't be able to throw it far enough to not blow us up.
- No offense. - God.
So, what, I just... I just hold this live grenade?
This grenade is just part of my life now?
Yeah, for now, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, here's the plan.
We're gonna get a knife.
- Okay. All right. - I'm gonna cut
through these ties, we're gonna get rid of that grenade,
and then we're gonna head down to the docks.
We're gonna bum-rush the pirate guarding it,
hop in a boat, and head to the next island for help.
- Okay? - Tom, that plan...
Has too many steps. I see that now.
Now, you got a simpler one?
- Yes. Yes. - What?
- Yes. Okay. - What are you doing?
Get down here. Found it.
- Found it. Yes. - What are we doing?
- Right here. - What are we doing?
Oh.
Find cell service. Call for help.
When did you put that in your underwear?
Right before the pirates took us out of the cabana.
Because I'm a sneaky little bitch.
Oh, you are a sneaky little bitch.
Thank you.
- Okay. - Let's start walking.
Sneaky. Sneaky little bitch.
You're testing my patience, Robert!
Look, you want my money? I want my daughter.
- It's a simple negotiation. - Enough!
All right.
They're bringing him back.
Move.
Robert. What happened? Are you okay?
They didn't hurt you, did they?
Well, I'm not giving them a dime till I know my daughter's alive.
That didn't go over very well.
I'm afraid they're gonna start shooting the hostages.
I don't think they're gonna do that.
Isn't that exactly what pirates do?
Come out, Mr. Pirate Man!
My name
is Carol Elaine Fowler,
and I deserve to live.
Carol, what are you doing?
I'm humanizing myself.
I saw it on Good Morning America.
If you humanize yourself to them, they let you live.
I am a wife. I am a mother.
And I was Milford, Michigan's top realtor in 1998,
and again in 2007.
I dream of going to Ireland.
I was a late bloomer and my teeth didn't come in till I was 14.
Please pick me.
My name is Jeannie Reed.
I am a devoted mother and a slightly less devoted wife.
This is my first vacation without my kids,
so I drank a lot of champagne before the ceremony,
took a couple of weed gummies,
and the combination is really killing me right now.
I'm Amanda Walker. I'm a godmother and a woman in tech.
- I went to-- - I am Renata.
I'm from Brazil.
I have beautiful hair.
Yeah. Very beautiful.
What else?
You're a mother.
I am a mother.
My name is Ricky Silver.
A lot of my friends, they're pairing up,
and they're getting married and drinking loose-leaf tea and shit.
And I'm still single. But last night...
I made love to a gorgeous and terrifying woman.
You think I'm terrifying?
You scare the shit out of me.
I'm Larry Fowler.
Oh...
Thank you.
- Oh. - Oh, easy, Dad.
- Hold the phone. Yes. - How am I gonna...
- Hold it steady. - Hold it. Hold on.
I just gotta get this thing out of my head.
It's driving me crazy.
- Wait. Hold on. Just wait. - What are you...
What are you... Are you stuffing a loose wad
of hair in my pocket?
Yes. A loose wad of very expensive,
custom-made hair that I would like to keep.
If we survive.
What's so funny?
- I've just been... - Ow, ow, ow!
...questioning everything lately.
What if the wedding's not perfect? What if your parents never like me?
What does life look like after baseball?
But not once did I wonder
if I'd be walking handcuffed through the jungle with a live grenade.
Oh. Pirates chasing you wasn't on your vision board?
Well, you were the only thing on my vision board.
- I got it, I got it, I got it. - Oh! Oh!
- You got it? You got it? - I got it. I got it.
- Okay. I got it. - Oh, good. Okay. Oh.
- We have a bar. - Oh, good.
All right.
- Keep your hands with me. - Okay.
- Call for help.
Yes. Shit! It's gone.
Well, keep trying.
- I think, maybe... - We have to go higher.
- What? - Yes.
Not... No. No, no, no. Uh, I don't like higher.
Yeah, I don't... I don't think this thing is built to code.
- Tom. - Anything?
No. Come on.
- Yeah. - We're almost at the top.
Maybe we should go back down so we're not up so high.
Don't think about the heights right now. Okay? We're safe.
Yeah. You use the word "safe" very loosely.
Oh, my God.
- Full service. Full service. - Oh, yes.
I have full service.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Silence it.
I'm trying.
Your group chat is out of control.
I will not apologize for having enthusiastic friends.
Oh! You dropped it.
Come on!
- We gotta zip. - Zip?
What do you mean, "zip"?
Oh! Zip. Oh, God!
Go, go, go.
No, I don't think we have the proper equipment.
Well, they have guns.
Is there some kind of a manual?
Come down!
We need helmets. I see lots of helmets in the photos.
And then why do they look scared?
Stop thinking so much. Jump!
- Stop screaming! - Oh, God! Oh, my God!
Whoa!
Tom, don't let go.
The fuck!
Hold on, baby. Hold on.
Okay.
Uh...
- Yeah! - Yeah!
What the hell was that?
Oh, God!
- Oh, God! - How do we land this thing?
Me first. I'm gonna go first.
- What about me? - No, let me. Me first.
I'm gonna jump. I'm gonna jump.
- Okay, okay. - I got it. I got it.
Here I go!
Oh!
These people are sick.
You find them, but I kill them.
You can have the man,
but the bride is mine.
Police, coast guard, they're all right there.
- How do we get across? - I don't know.
Okay, let's all go around and play two truths and a lie.
Be quiet!
- Carol. - Mom.
Easy.
Okay, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna fix this.
My poor mom.
She thought she was gonna be able to avoid my dad all weekend.
My mom used to love my dad so much.
He was her whole world.
Then when he left, she just lost her joy.
I mean, she acts tough, but...
she never really recovered.
- Darcy, I'm sorry... - I know.
We have to keep moving.
What the hell does that mean?
Kitchen.
Okay, we need to find a knife.
- Oh. Mmm. - What... What...
What are you doing?
I'm starving. Have you eaten today?
No, I'm not hungry.
Yes, you are. You're acting cranky.
- Mmm. Mmm! Mmm. - Mmm.
Mmm, this is so delicious.
I love your mom.
Okay, come on.
Come on. Ow! Easy, easy.
I can't cut with one hand.
Well, I can't cut with no hands.
We need to find something else.
Okay?
Something that cuts through plastic.
Hmm...
Yep.
- Is this a bad idea? - Yeah.
- You ready? - No!
Okay.
There you go.
Hang on, hang on, hang on!
Darcy, you're stalling.
- I know. - We got this.
- Okay. Yes. - We got this.
- On my count. Ready? - Okay.
- Yes. - Ten, nine, eight...
Why are you counting from ten?
What is this, a rocket launch?
Okay, fine. On four.
One, two, three--
No one goes on four.
- No one goes on four. - All right...
Shh! Shh.
- Okay. - Just...
- Just like a Band-Aid. - Fine, fine.
- Ready? Go. - Like a Band-Aid.
Oh, my God.
Come on.
Tom!
Tom.
I thought you left.
What?
No.
Never.
Where'd your mom's knife go?
Oh, Jesus, help me.
That's good.
Throw me those boots.
What?
That dress is growing on me.
Thanks.
I wanted something less traditional.
Yes. Maybe Margy's got a hard line to the Internet.
Wow, does Margy love corgis.
No. Damn it.
You go over there, I'll go here.
- Yeah. - They're right there.
- What do I do? - I don't know.
I don't know.
- Oh, Margy. - This way.
Go, go, go.
Okay. I got you.
It's okay. It's okay.
Come. Faster, faster.
Ace, Margy...
- Is this your bunker? - Uh-huh.
- Man cave. - Is it spinning?
Is it spinning for anyone else?
You're losing blood. Sit down.
- Sit down. Okay. - Bandages. Ace.
I'll get the medical kit.
Give me your hand. I'm gonna wrap it.
No. No, no, no. No.
Are you sure? It's disgusting.
Yeah.
Oh. Cheers.
Okay.
Looks like it's got a flap.
It's got a loose flap.
- Listen, just be... - Mm-hmm.
Just... Just be careful with the flap.
Please stop saying "flap," okay?
I'm totally fine. Just don't say flap.
- How many are there? - Uh...
Two in the lobby. Couple more by the pool with the hostages.
And, uh, one by the dock, right?
But we got four.
What do you mean, "got"?
Got them to stop, you know,
being alive.
Holy shit.
Well, yeah, we didn't see any of your staff, though.
I saw them getting locked up in the spa.
They never bother with the locals.
Americans are the rich idiots. No offense.
I just don't understand why the pirates are still here.
Last time, they just looted the rooms.
Twenty minutes, gone.
What do you mean, "last time"?
Last year.
Two thousand islands in the Philippines,
and they hit us twice?
- It's not fair. - Wait, wait.
The pirates were here last summer?
And you let us have our wedding here?
What? Tom-Tom. We talked about it, huh?
You knew about this?
Well, first of all, nobody got killed last summer.
And we both agreed that
the chances of it happening again were very small.
- Who's "we"? - Me and Margy.
We e-mailed a lot,
and I asked a lot of tough questions, didn't I?
How could you not tell me about this?
You didn't tell me that you were having doubts
about getting married, so...
Yeah, you're right. I didn't. You know why?
Because all last year, you were in your head about everything.
You thought my dad didn't like you, so you started acting all weird.
And now my dad doesn't like you.
You thought the Robins were gonna drop you.
And then you started playing badly, and they did drop you.
You think that something bad is gonna happen,
and then you make it happen.
That's called self-sabotage.
It is. Ace, thank you.
And all you were excited about was this wedding.
And I knew that if I told you that I was having doubts,
that you would sabotage our whole relationship.
Which you did anyway!
I didn't sabotage anything.
I tried to make this wedding perfect.
And it all got ruined the day your boy Sean showed up.
This has nothing to do with Sean.
This is about your insecurities.
And this whole wedding
was your way of trying to get control of your life,
because you have to control everything.
It's like when you get out of the car to "help me" parallel park,
when I can do it just fine on my own.
Yeah, I wouldn't call a 17-point turn "just fine."
Well, those jeans you bought from Old Navy last month
were women's jeans.
Uh...
Well, I found them in the men's section.
They made you look like Stevie Nicks.
That haircut that you got last year, I hated it.
It made your head look square. You looked like a fucking Simpson.
You said it was chic.
You act so confident,
so strong, but you're just a scared little girl.
You're afraid to go all in on this relationship
because it means you might have something to lose.
Well, you know what? None of it matters anyway.
Because everyone we love could die.
Because of me.
I think they're in the manager's house.
I think they heard it.
Why?
They stopped speaking English.
Here. Take it.
Don't. Tom.
We need to get out of here. Where does this tunnel go?
It leads straight to the pool where the rest of the pirates are.
Oh, that's not ideal.
What are they saying?
No clue.
I don't know what language that is, but it ain't Filipino.
- No. - No.
No one move. Stay right here.
Nobody move.
What are you doing?
Okay.
They know someone's here, but they don't know all of us are.
You stay here until it's over.
Tom!
They're gonna kill you.
- Don't do this. - I have to.
This isn't about us anymore. This is...
This whole thing is my fault.
You deserve better.
Wait, Tom!
Uh... Oh, hey.
Hey, pirates!
I'm Tom, the groom you guys have been looking for,
and I am officially surrendering.
- Shut up! - All right.
What, you don't like to be called "pirates"?
I wanted to be a pirate when I was a kid, and you guys are actually doin' it.
- Move. - You're livin' the dream.
Congratulations.
They didn't kill him. Oh, my God.
He's still alive.
Go!
Keep going. Just move.
Tommy. Oh, my God. It's Tommy. Tommy!
Shut up!
- Tommy, where is Darcy? - Shut up!
Yes. Where is your bride?
I... I don't know.
Truly. Honestly. I... I... I don't.
For reals. I don't... I don't... I don't know.
You're a bad liar.
Yeah, he is a bad liar.
Tom, if you know something, the best thing you can do is cooperate.
All they want is the money.
You know what? Thank you, Sean, as always, for being the voice of reason.
Enough!
- Okay, fine! - Okay.
I'll tell you where she is.
Katuk kak ci.
What?
Holy shit. What did you say to him?
It's kind of an inside joke, Sean.
Can you give me a hand? I'm a little woozy.
'Course, man. Here, I got you.
Whoa, whoa! Whoa!
What the hell are you doing?
Don't move or I swear to God, you'll lose an eye.
Tommy, what are you doing?
Are you gonna spill the beans or should I?
What beans?
Just spill the beans.
Sean hired these guys
to invade our wedding to take Robert's money!
Whoa. No, no, no, no, Tom.
No, it's true.
That is a serious accusation,
but it's okay,
'cause jealousy can get the best of any of us.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm not jealous.
Kind of.
It is completely normal for you to see me as a threat
because Deedee and I
had something transcendent.
But I am not a bad guy.
And I definitely don't have anything to do with these pirates.
Oh, yeah? Then why did he deck me when I told him to go fuck his grandpa?
Just listen. Listen to yourself.
I said it in Balinese. These guys are not local.
They're from Bali.
Margy said the local pirates just looted and left last time.
It took 'em, like, 20 minutes.
Oh, God. "Last time"?
We were clearly targeted. This whole thing was planned.
They knew about Robert's money.
And none of it made sense until I found this.
Ricky, grab my... Grab the... the...
- Yeah, yeah. - In my front pocket. Grab...
There's an envelope in my front pocket.
Just grab it!
There you go.
A-ha!
Slow, slow. Go slow.
Your wedding invitation?
Yes, but I got it off of one of these guys.
Now, how did they get that invitation?
- I don't know. - Uh...
It had to be given to him by an invited guest.
Now, what invited guest could that be? Huh?
Ricky, op... open it.
A-ha!
This asshat thought it was appropriate to show up to a wedding he didn't RSVP to!
He didn't RSVP!
Mom, that's not the main issue right now.
Look, I'm a mother. I can be upset about a lot of things at the same time.
I think, right now, we should be upset about one thing.
- Oh, okay. - Sean had these guys
crash our wedding so that he could get a big fat ransom
from his best friend, Robert.
Huh? Yeah!
- Bob... Bob. - Yes!
This is because I didn't give you
that investment money you wanted, isn't it?
- Yeah. - No, no, it's not like that.
How could... Papi.
How could you believe that I would come here and betray ev...
Believe it, Robert. Believe it.
- That's right. That's right. - Shit.
See? See, I told ya! I told ya!
These lanterns are so intricate. Is there a note in it?
"Be excellent to each other."
- Hmm. - Hmm. Huh.
It's from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.
Tom wanted to put a movie quote in each one of the lanterns, and I...
I thought it was stupid, but it's not.
It's sweet.
And I messed it all up.
I don't know how you guys do it.
You must have something really special.
- Not really. - Oi.
Uh, I mean, it is special but it is not magic.
We just made a vow.
And we've messed things up thousands of times.
But when we break something, we fix it.
Darcy, we come with you, but we don't want to.
Tommy finally made the big leagues.
Yeah, I never heard that one before.
I know you haven't.
- Where is she? - I don't know.
I don't... I... I don't... I don't know.
- You're lying. - No, I'm... I'm... Honestly,
- I don't know. - Okay.
God damn it!
- Would you stop doing that? - Yeah.
- He'll do it again. - Fine. Fine.
I was lying.
After we cut ourselves loose, Darcy and I got into a fight.
She hopped in a golf cart to go look for cell reception
up by the northern coast near the cliffs, and then I...
I came back here to try to rescue everyone.
Come on!
Okay.
We'll take the chopper to find her.
I'm comin' with you.
I've been watching you mess this up all day.
This is my show now.
Wow, that's really good.
We're doing this my way now. You got it?
We need collateral.
Get the girlfriend.
Hey. Come.
- Here. Move! - Ow! Hey.
Oh, no.
- Go. Move! - Please, I'm a Gemini.
I bruise easily.
- Go! - Ow! Ow! Ow!
- Oh, my God! - Robert? Robert!
When I get back, that money better be in my account.
And if it's not, she's dead.
And I treated you just like a son.
- You're stuck with Tommy now. - Robert.
- Well, what's wrong with that? - Fuck off.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Darcy...
Tom, you promised you wouldn't leave my side this weekend.
Darcy, what are you doing?
Tom, listen.
I'm still mad at you for picking this pirate island,
but I messed up too. I should've told you...
how scared I was to get married.
That wasn't fair.
You worked so hard on this pirate island wedding.
Okay, no, no, no. Please stop calling it that.
I just worried that if I told you...
that I would lose you.
And I can't lose you.
I need you.
Okay?
Okay.
- Okay. - Okay.
This is so much better than South Pacific.
And Mom, Dad?
Whoa!
- Babe. - What the fuck?
Did you just shoot me?
Stop shooting your sister!
I didn't mean to. It was a mistake. I...
Mom, Dad, apologize to Tom.
- What? Why? - What?
For criticizing this beautiful wedding that he planned,
and for never making him feel welcome in our family.
And for inviting Sean to our wedding.
Okay, honey, but I think there's
- a more pressing issue... - Apologize!
He is the best person
that I know.
And if you say one more bad thing about him,
I swear I will shoot you like I shot Jamie.
Tom, I'm sorry. Sorry.
- Tom, sorry. Sorry. - We love you.
- Oh, hey, it's fine. - You're the best person
- I've ever met. - It's okay. I love you.
- We love you like family. - I love you, too.
- All right. It's all good. - I love this place. Beautiful.
And, Carol, Larry...
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
This was more about me and my family, but we should get lunch sometime.
- I would... - Oh, yeah,
- lunch sounds great. Yeah. - We love eating.
It's hard for anyone to live up to your perfect marriage.
Who told you we had a perfect marriage?
Oh, come on, Mom. You guys fought, like, once.
It was about who loved the dog more.
I mean, what is not perfect about your marriage?
Well, I made love to your Aunt Marie.
What?
- Yeah. - Then I went out
and started doing all this weird sex stuff
with Jim Roberts.
Yeah. You and Jim Roberts
- went on for a couple months. - Yes.
- Because our bodies just fit. - Holy...
In the end, Jim Roberts just wasn't your dad.
And Aunt Marie realized that she had a sex addiction.
But then you know what? We worked it out.
These are some incredible breakthroughs,
- right? I mean... - Give me that!
You remember me, huh?
Look, you burn my face. Huh?
Yes, I know. I still feel really bad about that.
Everybody, in the pool! Now!
Get in the pool! In!
Go! Go!
- Hey, you okay? - Yes.
- Yeah? - Are we missing people?
Yeah. Turns out your boy Sean's an asshole.
We have the bride.
Do you copy?
Up! Up!
Listen to me. Move.
Balinese? So these guys are Balinese?
And Sean is full of shit, and they took Harriett hostage?
It doesn't make sense.
Why would Sean take Harriett hostage on the helicopter
when she was already being held hostage here?
I don't know. Maybe he wanted to take her extra hostage.
I think Harriett is in on it.
- What? - What do you mean?
Harriett and Sean...
are boyfriend-girlfriend.
- Oh, come on. - Boyfriend-girlfriend?
No, no. Look.
This is from last night.
Here we go.
Let's see.
Uh, hold on. Let me find it.
Oh. Oh, boy.
Yeah. There you go.
What? Go ahead. Say it.
Roberto...
Lo siento.
Gracias.
De nada.
There!
Sean, you promised this job would make us rich.
So far, all it's done is killed four of my men.
Man, you know we can fix this.
Deal is off. I keep the money.
You walk away with your life.
I don't wanna hear it. You and I had an arrangement.
Sean, be reasonable. He saved us.
- We're lucky to be alive. - What are you talking about?
Listen to your woman.
Oh.
It's okay. It's just a pressure point. Relax.
Just breathe into it.
What?
Take us back down.
We'll finish the job ourselves.
- Babe. - What?
- Excellent idea. - Yeah, I know.
I have to do everything myself!
What are we gonna do? They'll be back any minute.
- Just... - Hey, hey, hey!
No whispers. Or I throw grenade in the pool.
Okay.
Go with me, okay?
Just go with me.
Hey, everybody.
Look, I know this may not be the best time,
but this may be our only chance to have our wedding.
What do you say, Darcy?
Yeah, I... I love it.
Can... Can we do bride's side on the left and groom's on the right?
Hey, Margy, will you officiate?
Hey, will you stop? Stop it! Stop it now!
Wait, wait. If...
If you let my daughter have her wedding, I'll... I'll release the funds.
Okay, let's go.
Let's go.
Thanks, Dad.
It's okay, princess.
There are some things that are more important than money.
I don't know what they are, but I think, uh...
Hope you know what you're doing.
♪ The strands in your eyes ♪
♪ They color them wonderful ♪
♪ Stops me And steals my breath ♪
♪ Emeralds from mountains ♪
♪ Thrust from the sky ♪
♪ Never revealing their depth ♪
♪ And tell me ♪
♪ We belong together ♪
♪ Dress it up with the trappings of love ♪
♪ I'll be captivated ♪
♪ I'll hang from your lips ♪
♪ Instead of the gallows ♪
♪ Of heartaches That hang from above ♪
♪ And I'll be your cryin' shoulder ♪
♪ I'll be love's suicide ♪
♪ And I'll be better When I'm older ♪
♪ I'll be the greatest fan of your life ♪
♪ And I'll be your cryin' shoulder ♪
♪ I'll be love's suicide ♪
- ♪ And I'll be ♪ - ♪ I'll be ♪
♪ Better when I'm older ♪
♪ I'll be the greatest fan of your life ♪
♪ I'll be ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I think you'd regret that.
Oh! No, no. Stop.
I'm fairly new to grenades.
But I'm pretty sure that if you shoot me, this springy thing pops off,
and then this thing blows us all away.
- Ain't that right, babe? - That's right, baby.
- No, no, no. - What the...
Drop the guns.
No.
I can't throw that far. It won't reach him.
Nobody fucks with my family.
Darcy? Give me a meatball.
Shit.
I know where to go!
Let's get moving! Out of the pool!
- Yeah! - Come on! Come, come, come!
Get out of the pool! Come on!
- Yeah, let's go. - Margy! The spa!
It's safe in the spa!
They should've been killing hostages every hour.
Killing people works, Sean.
- Fuck. - Look, give me one chance
to convince Darcy.
- All right? One. - Fine. One chance.
Thank you, baby.
This is not a moment right now, Sean.
- Move, come on! Come on! - All right!
Mom! Mom, we're gonna go get help.
I need you to take care of them. Can you do that?
And Carol...
thank you for the cake knife.
I fucking love this cake knife.
It's just you and me now. Let's go.
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, me in awe of you now ♪
♪ Hmm ♪
- ♪ This song call ♪ - ♪ Unconditional ♪
- ♪ This show no devotion ♪ - ♪ Devotion ♪
♪ Got my heart so wide open ♪
♪ Lifting my spirit Like a Holy Ghost ♪
- ♪ All this ♪ - ♪ All this love, love ♪
- ♪ No ordinary love ♪ - ♪ Ordinary love ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ La, la, la, la La-la-la-la ♪
♪ Ah, la, la, la, la La-la-la-la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la La-la-la-la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la La-la-la-la-love ♪
♪ La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la La-la-la-la ♪
♪ I need you in my arm ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ All this no ordinary love ♪
♪ Love, love, love, love ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Hey, wasn't this the plan with too many steps?
You did this for me?
Is this what you wanted?
Just you and me in the middle of the ocean?
Darcy, I'm sorry I stopped listening to you.
I just thought that if I planned the perfect wedding,
we could have the perfect marriage, but...
But that doesn't exist.
I mean, look at my parents.
My Aunt Marie, the sex addict.
I just wanna be with you. All that matters is you.
We don't ever have to get married.
And if we survive this thing, can we just...
Can we start over?
Go, go, go, go.
Deedee, listen to me!
Deedee, this is a huge misunderstanding, all right?
Let's go back to the resort, talk this over. I do not want to hurt you.
Then stop shooting at us, asshole!
And stop calling her Deedee!
- Fuck! - Oh, Jesus!
This thing is awful!
Yeah!
Asshole! Fuckin' leave! What the fuck?
God, I can't believe you, Sean! When did you turn into such a monster?
I am not a monster!
I'm an entrepreneur!
I think I'm out of ammo.
- Are you sure? - Not at all.
Hey.
- Yeah. - I don't wanna do this.
I'm a good guy, damn it!
Shit.
Your boat's dead.
We're both out of ammo. Let's just go back and we can work this whole thing out.
Tom!
Go, go!
Darcy, turn this boat around right now.
No.
You're a piece of shit, Sean, but I know you can't kill me.
You're right.
But I would love to kill this guy.
You just keep messing things up, man. This is on you.
I don't wanna do this. I'm a good guy.
No, you're not.
All right, you're right. I'm not.
Sean!
You were a pity invite!
Shit!
Whoa! Whoa!
No! Fuck!
Is that a wad of loose hair?
Custom-made hair!
Get down!
Oh, frick.
Hold on.
Oh, shit.
Holy shit.
So when I asked you before
if we could start over...
I don't wanna start over.
I wanna keep going.
Tom Fowler,
will you marry me?
Are you sure?
You're not scared?
I'm terrified.
Life is always gonna be chaotic.
But what I know for sure...
is that I wanna go through all of it with you.
It's simple, really.
Just a plan with one step.
Still fits.
Stop. Be quiet.
Shit! Sorry! Sorry!
There was one firework left
and I thought it would be fun, and beautiful, and poignant,
but it was absolutely not!
Come here.
♪ All the old paintings On the tomb ♪
♪ They do the sand dance, Don't you know ♪
♪ If you move too fast ♪
♪ Oh-way-oh ♪
♪ They're falling down Like a domino ♪
♪ All the bazaar men By the Nile ♪
♪ They got the money On a bet ♪
♪ Gold crocodiles ♪
♪ Oh-way-oh ♪
♪ They snap their teeth On your cigarette ♪
♪ Foreign types With the hookah pipes say ♪
♪ Way-oh-way-oh ♪
♪ Walk like an Egyptian ♪
♪ The blonde waitresses Take their trays ♪
♪ They spin around And they cross the floor ♪
♪ They've got the moves ♪
♪ Oh-way-oh ♪
♪ All the school kids So sick of books ♪
♪ They like the punk And the metal band ♪
♪ I do not know what to do ♪
♪ I drank so much Oh, my God, I'm sick ♪
♪ All the kids In the marketplace say ♪
♪ Way-oh-way-oh ♪
♪ Walk like an Egyptian ♪
♪ I'm down For the way he feels ♪
Whoo!
Make sure the batteries work.
I'm so sorry that I invited two con men to your wedding.
And I don't know if I'm attracted to toxic people,
or toxic people are attracted to me.