1
00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:30,590
Well, hey everyone.
This is Rick.

2
00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:33,604
And I'm making this video,

3
00:01:33,628 --> 00:01:36,507
well, for many reasons, I guess.

4
00:01:36,531 --> 00:01:39,610
I suppose that the
main reason is that

5
00:01:39,634 --> 00:01:43,704
I want there to be some
record of the way that I feel.

6
00:01:44,639 --> 00:01:48,675
My ideas, just
who I was, really.

7
00:01:50,477 --> 00:01:54,257
I met, got to know some
ex-members here and there,

8
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:57,260
some more than others.

9
00:01:57,284 --> 00:01:59,897
But I wanted to explain
some of the things

10
00:01:59,921 --> 00:02:01,632
that I've been
doing and thinking

11
00:02:01,656 --> 00:02:05,669
and some of the
frustrations that I've had.

12
00:02:05,693 --> 00:02:08,628
Anyway, I don't know,
I guess it's just my...

13
00:02:08,963 --> 00:02:11,174
sort of my...

14
00:02:11,198 --> 00:02:14,035
last grasp at immortality.

15
00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:17,380
I know that I'm not immortal,
and I know this video

16
00:02:17,404 --> 00:02:19,683
is not going to make me so.

17
00:02:19,707 --> 00:02:23,453
But at the same
time, I want to...

18
00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:25,288
I want people to
know that even though

19
00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,691
some of the things that I'm
gonna do are rather shocking,

20
00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:29,860
and... maybe not right

21
00:02:29,884 --> 00:02:31,962
in a lot of people's books.

22
00:02:31,986 --> 00:02:34,965
I want to explain some of
the reasons behind them.

23
00:02:34,989 --> 00:02:37,901
So anyway, I'm just...

24
00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:40,871
loading up some of my mags here.

25
00:02:40,895 --> 00:02:42,305
You guys don't mind

26
00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:43,874
if I do that while
I talk, right?

27
00:02:43,898 --> 00:02:45,341
Originally I thought that

28
00:02:45,365 --> 00:02:49,312
I was gonna have this
opportunity in March.

29
00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:50,914
It's early January now.

30
00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:52,583
And I...

31
00:02:52,607 --> 00:02:54,752
I don't know, I guess I
got some bad information,

32
00:02:54,776 --> 00:02:56,720
'cause all of a sudden,
a couple days ago

33
00:02:56,744 --> 00:03:00,824
I heard that the
opportunity was gonna arise.

34
00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:05,361
And I mean, well, this weekend,
which is basically right now.

35
00:03:05,385 --> 00:03:08,231
It's Friday night, so I
was caught off guard.

36
00:03:08,255 --> 00:03:09,500
I wasn't really prepared,

37
00:03:09,524 --> 00:03:13,269
so sort of having to cram.

38
00:03:13,293 --> 00:03:16,239
It's funny, I always
thought that...

39
00:03:16,263 --> 00:03:18,008
You know...

40
00:03:18,032 --> 00:03:19,943
I used to think a
lot about suicide.

41
00:03:19,967 --> 00:03:23,547
It's actually... Well,
believe it or not,

42
00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:25,348
it should have started
a long time ago.

43
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:29,820
It should have started when
I was fucking born, actually.

44
00:03:29,844 --> 00:03:31,320
But to tell you the truth,

45
00:03:31,344 --> 00:03:32,756
it didn't really
start in earnest

46
00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:36,683
until... the infamous
teen training happened.

47
00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:39,153
Yes, teen training.

48
00:03:39,286 --> 00:03:41,799
Fucking brainwashing.

49
00:03:41,823 --> 00:03:46,537
Man, I started thinking
"Wow! How could I do it?"

50
00:03:46,561 --> 00:03:50,574
Well, I was... I
wasn't the oldest.

51
00:03:50,598 --> 00:03:52,676
I was the oldest
for a long time,

52
00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:55,512
but of course, at
teen training there was

53
00:03:55,536 --> 00:03:57,981
a bunch of girls that
were older than I was,

54
00:03:58,005 --> 00:04:00,617
but you know...

55
00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:02,986
Let me tell you, this suicide

56
00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:05,622
was nothing that you
talked about with people.

57
00:04:05,646 --> 00:04:06,957
Anybody.

58
00:04:06,981 --> 00:04:10,326
They'd beat the devil
out of you or whatever.

59
00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:13,831
It's just fucking insane.

60
00:04:13,855 --> 00:04:18,001
But you all know
that, that's old news.

61
00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:22,039
Anyway, that's when I
started thinking about suicide.

62
00:04:22,063 --> 00:04:26,643
I was thinking, well, you know
what kind of poisons there are.

63
00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:29,813
Poisons, you know,
are easy, or so I thought.

64
00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:32,683
I've learned since then if
you wanna take poisons

65
00:04:32,707 --> 00:04:36,720
and you wanna make sure,
or at least reasonably sure

66
00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:38,387
that it's gonna work,

67
00:04:38,411 --> 00:04:42,493
it's good to take some
Dramamine beforehand.

68
00:04:42,517 --> 00:04:46,029
It settles your stomach
so you don't barf it up.

69
00:04:46,053 --> 00:04:49,733
Anyway, I didn't
know about that then.

70
00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:52,736
I thought about...
drinking chlorine,

71
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:55,438
which of course is ridiculous.

72
00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,741
I thought of, you know,

73
00:04:57,765 --> 00:05:00,077
maybe I'd heard of,
like, lead poisoning,

74
00:05:00,101 --> 00:05:01,512
you know, I thought...

75
00:05:01,536 --> 00:05:04,548
Or maybe I could,
like, jab a pencil

76
00:05:04,572 --> 00:05:06,016
under my skin or something.

77
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:07,450
Stupid shit.

78
00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:10,120
But, you know, I
was just a little kid.

79
00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:15,615
Actually, who gave me that
idea was one of my nannies.

80
00:05:16,818 --> 00:05:18,762
Indirectly, of course.

81
00:05:18,786 --> 00:05:21,832
'Cause she used to scream

82
00:05:21,856 --> 00:05:25,903
and yell at my sister
whenever she...

83
00:05:25,927 --> 00:05:29,438
I don't... well...

84
00:05:29,462 --> 00:05:31,708
Well, my sister had
such a fucked-up time

85
00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:33,977
at teen training.

86
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:37,080
She was fucking six
years old, for God's sake.

87
00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:39,448
Fucking animals. I
hate those fuckers.

88
00:05:39,472 --> 00:05:41,384
They're going to
fucking get it, too,

89
00:05:41,408 --> 00:05:43,020
if I have anything
to do with it.

90
00:05:43,044 --> 00:05:45,454
Anyway.

91
00:05:45,478 --> 00:05:48,115
Stay on the course here, Rick.

92
00:05:49,449 --> 00:05:52,086
So I think I got 13 in here.

93
00:05:55,156 --> 00:05:57,768
The cool thing about
the Republicans

94
00:05:57,792 --> 00:05:59,937
is their love of guns.

95
00:05:59,961 --> 00:06:02,573
They just love
their fucking guns.

96
00:06:02,597 --> 00:06:05,474
With the assault ban
expired, which I credit them for,

97
00:06:05,498 --> 00:06:08,169
we have high capacity magazines.

98
00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:14,985
Now this is my super cool
sheath that I got online.

99
00:06:15,009 --> 00:06:17,988
It's an... I think
they call it an in-belt

100
00:06:18,012 --> 00:06:19,957
or in-waistband holder,

101
00:06:19,981 --> 00:06:21,825
so it doesn't
actually stick out.

102
00:06:21,849 --> 00:06:23,594
It actually goes
inside your belt

103
00:06:23,618 --> 00:06:25,128
so you can pull your shirt over.

104
00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:27,798
So... that's very cool.

105
00:06:27,822 --> 00:06:30,667
Anyway, when you're
carrying a loaded gun...

106
00:06:30,691 --> 00:06:33,436
This gun is a very safe weapon,

107
00:06:33,460 --> 00:06:34,972
but you know how things go.

108
00:06:34,996 --> 00:06:36,940
The idea of just
sticking it in my pants

109
00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:39,643
with a clip or whatever
didn't really appeal to me,

110
00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:41,645
'cause if you get into
a fight or something,

111
00:06:41,669 --> 00:06:44,481
or somebody stabs
you or something, or...

112
00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:45,782
I don't know, whatever.

113
00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:47,484
You're rolling on the ground.

114
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,753
You just don't want the
fucking thing to go off.

115
00:06:49,777 --> 00:06:53,646
So this cool sheath
works very nice, I think.

116
00:06:55,049 --> 00:06:58,719
Anyway, I went
with a 40 caliber.

117
00:06:59,553 --> 00:07:01,464
I found a 9mm.

118
00:07:01,488 --> 00:07:02,866
I think everybody does.

119
00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:06,136
The reason is... that
I didn't go with a nine

120
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,238
Is that there's a
great debate always,

121
00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:10,674
Because the 9mm
people say their guns

122
00:07:10,698 --> 00:07:14,835
are the greatest thing
since sliced fucking bread.

123
00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:16,780
The ammo's cheap.

124
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:18,982
They're effective.

125
00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:20,884
Also, this is especially good

126
00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:23,153
for people who like
firing their guns a lot,

127
00:07:23,177 --> 00:07:26,857
like gang bangers maybe.

128
00:07:26,881 --> 00:07:30,527
Or even police officers
who have to, you know,

129
00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:32,696
fire their weapons
in the line of duty.

130
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:35,832
A 9mm is not nearly as
loud as the bigger calibers,

131
00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:38,669
so you're gonna
have less hearing loss,

132
00:07:38,693 --> 00:07:40,427
which is cool.

133
00:07:41,162 --> 00:07:42,706
The only problem with nines,

134
00:07:42,730 --> 00:07:47,044
I was actually reading
this one story that

135
00:07:47,068 --> 00:07:48,645
stood out to me.

136
00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:52,139
As we used to say
in teen training...

137
00:07:56,610 --> 00:08:01,558
It was about this cop.
He was in a gun fight

138
00:08:01,582 --> 00:08:03,927
and he was shot
with a 9mm round.

139
00:08:03,951 --> 00:08:05,662
And he didn't feel it.

140
00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:08,565
Well, he didn't realize it
until he was fucking shot.

141
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:10,233
Until the fight was over.

142
00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:11,768
So after that he said,

143
00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:15,105
I got rid of my
9, went with a 45.

144
00:08:15,129 --> 00:08:16,273
I went with a 40,
because I think

145
00:08:16,297 --> 00:08:17,841
it's the best of both worlds.

146
00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:20,944
I just shot a 45 for
the first time today.

147
00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:22,846
I was able to rent
one at the range

148
00:08:22,870 --> 00:08:26,073
where I'm a member at.

149
00:08:26,741 --> 00:08:28,919
That fucker's loud.

150
00:08:28,943 --> 00:08:32,222
And it didn't kick me as much
as I thought it was going to.

151
00:08:32,246 --> 00:08:34,124
Anyway, I like this.

152
00:08:34,148 --> 00:08:36,450
It's small, compact.

153
00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:41,565
Anyway, my high
capacity magazines

154
00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:43,600
went from a 10 to a 13.

155
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,259
So that's cool.

156
00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:49,930
Um...

157
00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:53,643
I think I'm going
a little overboard.

158
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:56,680
I bought a bunch of mags,
and all these fucking bullets.

159
00:08:56,704 --> 00:08:58,615
I went with a police round.

160
00:08:58,639 --> 00:08:59,983
It's a full load of powder.

161
00:09:00,007 --> 00:09:02,686
They don't skimp.

162
00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:04,654
Some people say
that the hollow points

163
00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:07,991
don't expand as they should
because of ballistic gelatin

164
00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:13,096
they use for their tests
isn't really accurate.

165
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:16,900
But you see, if this fucker
goes through somebody,

166
00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:19,069
it's gonna expand.

167
00:09:19,093 --> 00:09:21,772
And that's what I'm counting on.

168
00:09:21,796 --> 00:09:24,531
You see, I'm counting on
that because I have my gun.

169
00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:29,012
All of this fucking ammo.

170
00:09:29,036 --> 00:09:33,974
But the truth is... is that
this is my weapon of choice.

171
00:09:35,276 --> 00:09:37,621
The KA-BAR knife.

172
00:09:37,645 --> 00:09:41,148
Served Marines for
many, many years.

173
00:09:41,382 --> 00:09:43,894
I changed the angle on mine.

174
00:09:43,918 --> 00:09:47,130
I learned a lot about
knife sharpening recently.

175
00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:48,799
They come with a 30 degree angle

176
00:09:48,823 --> 00:09:51,001
because these fuckers
are abused and beat on.

177
00:09:51,025 --> 00:09:53,170
They're used for
fucking everything.

178
00:09:53,194 --> 00:09:56,206
I only want it for one purpose,
and that's taking out the scum.

179
00:09:56,230 --> 00:09:58,809
Taking out the fucking trash.

180
00:09:58,833 --> 00:10:01,912
So I went with a nicer edge.

181
00:10:01,936 --> 00:10:04,915
A finer edge that cuts better.

182
00:10:04,939 --> 00:10:09,319
So I basically changed it
to, like, a kitchen knife edge,

183
00:10:09,343 --> 00:10:10,854
which is 17 degrees.

184
00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:15,382
And now... I can fucking
shave with this fucker.

185
00:10:16,684 --> 00:10:18,929
So one shot, one kill.

186
00:10:18,953 --> 00:10:21,822
Well... hopefully.

187
00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:26,203
Anyway, we'll see about that.

188
00:10:26,227 --> 00:10:29,430
Then I have some
smaller knives and stuff.

189
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,834
Anyway, where was I?

190
00:10:34,869 --> 00:10:36,780
You know, I better
check to make sure

191
00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:39,540
that this fucking thing
is actually recording.

192
00:10:45,279 --> 00:10:47,390
Okay. We're back.

193
00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:49,826
I decided to move the
camera a little closer.

194
00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:53,387
I don't know if it was picking
up the best sound quality.

195
00:10:53,588 --> 00:10:55,356
So, anyway.

196
00:10:57,892 --> 00:10:59,202
Duct tape.

197
00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:02,429
You can fix fucking
anything with this stuff.

198
00:11:02,564 --> 00:11:05,308
Yeah, I'm gonna fix
some people with this.

199
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:06,943
Anyway, okay.

200
00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:11,114
So sorry, I'm getting all
the fuck off track here.

201
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:13,607
Where the fuck was I?

202
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:16,153
Suicide. Yes. Suicide.

203
00:11:16,177 --> 00:11:19,490
A horrible thing when
adults contemplate suicide.

204
00:11:19,514 --> 00:11:23,126
But it's so much worse when
you've got a fucking little kid

205
00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:27,230
who is not born to be a
messed up little fucker

206
00:11:27,254 --> 00:11:31,168
but... he's a little
life, you know?

207
00:11:31,192 --> 00:11:34,437
She's a little life, and
you just fuck 'em over

208
00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:36,339
because you're a
sick fucking pervert

209
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,842
and you don't have anything
better to do with your life

210
00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:41,278
than to fuck up
your little kids.

211
00:11:41,302 --> 00:11:43,813
It's just so far beyond me.

212
00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:46,484
I can't fucking imagine
it, but yet it happened.

213
00:11:46,508 --> 00:11:48,418
It happened right before me.

214
00:11:48,442 --> 00:11:50,353
Happened to all of you.

215
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,055
Thousands of us.

216
00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:54,448
Some worse than others.

217
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,528
I had it good in many ways.

218
00:11:57,552 --> 00:12:00,988
I didn't get fucked in the
ass, you know, I was a guy.

219
00:12:01,523 --> 00:12:04,291
Lot of you girls... Crap.

220
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:08,271
I can't even compare
my stories with yours.

221
00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:10,373
But that's not
what this is about,

222
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,776
we're not sitting here comparing

223
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,545
"Oh, you got it
worse than I did,"

224
00:12:14,569 --> 00:12:17,047
or "You got it more
times than I did,"

225
00:12:17,071 --> 00:12:18,848
because it's not about that.

226
00:12:18,872 --> 00:12:21,519
There so many other
kinds of abuse that went on

227
00:12:21,543 --> 00:12:25,021
that to some of us just as
bad, and to some of us it wasn't.

228
00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:26,890
And some of us
didn't have it that bad.

229
00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:30,427
I'm not gonna sit here and
say "Oh yeah, I had it worse,"

230
00:12:30,451 --> 00:12:33,263
or "I didn't," because
it doesn't matter.

231
00:12:33,287 --> 00:12:36,690
It should have never
happened at all, to anybody.

232
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,460
That's the point.

233
00:12:40,194 --> 00:12:44,908
So, that's when I started
contemplating suicide.

234
00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:48,178
And I've been fucking
thinking about it ever since.

235
00:12:48,202 --> 00:12:53,250
Because man, God
dammit, after teen training...

236
00:12:53,274 --> 00:12:54,884
Shit.

237
00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:57,745
It's like all hell broke loose.

238
00:12:58,045 --> 00:13:00,547
We were just never the same.

239
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:07,364
I got into martial
arts a while ago.

240
00:13:07,388 --> 00:13:09,933
I'm still basically a
beginner, you know.

241
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:13,236
I mean, you think of somebody
who spends a lifetime,

242
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:14,838
like, 30 years,

243
00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:17,608
like my teacher in
Washington had.

244
00:13:17,632 --> 00:13:19,476
Thirty years
studying martial arts,

245
00:13:19,500 --> 00:13:21,479
and the guy's still
learning every day.

246
00:13:21,503 --> 00:13:25,549
So I studied, what?
Like, a year, two years.

247
00:13:25,573 --> 00:13:28,408
I'm just a fucking novice.

248
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:32,179
But hey, it all helps.

249
00:13:33,581 --> 00:13:36,860
I thought it would help
more, I guess, for me,

250
00:13:36,884 --> 00:13:40,755
but... I think I'm just
really fucked in the head.

251
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:43,333
I've tried so many things.

252
00:13:43,357 --> 00:13:46,504
Trying to somehow to fit in.

253
00:13:46,528 --> 00:13:51,331
Somehow to find,
you know, a normal life.

254
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:53,577
Nah, everybody sucks.

255
00:13:53,601 --> 00:13:57,247
Everybody has said,
who I talk to about this,

256
00:13:57,271 --> 00:13:59,316
well, you know,

257
00:13:59,340 --> 00:14:01,585
that everybody
has their problems

258
00:14:01,609 --> 00:14:02,986
in this fucked up life.

259
00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:05,489
But those people that
say that, you know,

260
00:14:05,513 --> 00:14:09,259
they don't have a clue as
to what actually went on.

261
00:14:09,283 --> 00:14:12,530
I mean, 'cause they
weren't part of a cult.

262
00:14:12,554 --> 00:14:16,634
They were just your
average "systemites" I talk to.

263
00:14:16,658 --> 00:14:19,603
Well man, I'm so happy for them.

264
00:14:19,627 --> 00:14:23,406
And I'm so happy
that yeah, sure,

265
00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:25,909
they didn't have
it perfect at home,

266
00:14:25,933 --> 00:14:29,513
but, you know, it wasn't
like this for everybody.

267
00:14:29,537 --> 00:14:33,741
But there's a number of guys
that I talk to in Washington...

268
00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:37,354
I sort of consider
Washington my home,

269
00:14:37,378 --> 00:14:40,023
because that's
basically where I was

270
00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:41,958
the last four years or so,

271
00:14:41,982 --> 00:14:44,719
ever since I left.

272
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:48,998
So, now, this is interesting,

273
00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:53,169
because I don't think
most other family kids

274
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:55,639
can relate to this because,
yeah, they were abused.

275
00:14:55,663 --> 00:14:57,675
But one thing I don't think

276
00:14:57,699 --> 00:15:00,611
that they were that
much is secluded.

277
00:15:00,635 --> 00:15:03,012
And that can
really fuck you over,

278
00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:08,284
because if you don't
have that mirror, if you will,

279
00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:10,654
of kids your own age,

280
00:15:10,678 --> 00:15:13,323
kids that are older than you,

281
00:15:13,347 --> 00:15:19,396
siblings, whatever, friends,
then it really fucks you up.

282
00:15:19,420 --> 00:15:26,069
And I was reading an
article about how there were...

283
00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:27,337
How some people say...

284
00:15:27,361 --> 00:15:30,330
It was one of those
conspiracy things.

285
00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:34,077
I can believe it, it's possible.

286
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:36,336
And who knows?

287
00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:41,117
Anyway, they were saying
how they were doing experiments

288
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:43,587
on prisoners in the States

289
00:15:43,611 --> 00:15:48,415
for the last 40
years or something

290
00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:51,027
trying to see how
they can break 'em.

291
00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:54,364
And translate those findings
to the general populace.

292
00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:56,767
Modified, of course.

293
00:15:56,791 --> 00:15:59,537
I don't know if
it's true or not.

294
00:15:59,561 --> 00:16:02,663
It was interesting
reading, anyway.

295
00:16:03,163 --> 00:16:06,710
But that's what happened to me.

296
00:16:06,734 --> 00:16:09,179
Not having that
mirror of other people

297
00:16:09,203 --> 00:16:13,016
to hold up and see how
I would relate to them

298
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:16,252
and, you know, in
those formative years...

299
00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:18,789
If you're only fucking
around perverts.

300
00:16:18,813 --> 00:16:20,758
These people are
fucked in the head,

301
00:16:20,782 --> 00:16:22,793
and try to fuck you over.

302
00:16:22,817 --> 00:16:25,820
Wow. I didn't even
have TV, for God's sake.

303
00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:32,435
So anyway, when I
started martial arts,

304
00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:34,962
I got into knives.

305
00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:39,242
I thought knives
were the coolest thing.

306
00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:44,839
I'd experimented with trying
to make, you know... retractors.

307
00:16:46,073 --> 00:16:48,442
I guess every teen boy does.

308
00:16:48,710 --> 00:16:50,588
Of course with me, you know,

309
00:16:50,612 --> 00:16:52,523
If anybody saw it, it was like,

310
00:16:52,547 --> 00:16:56,359
"Oh my God, don't you know
that you're full of the Devil!"

311
00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:59,597
So I would just sort
of hide all my shit.

312
00:16:59,621 --> 00:17:02,766
That was around the
whole bodybuilding time.

313
00:17:02,790 --> 00:17:05,201
What a joke.

314
00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:08,506
But anyway, I just got
fascinated with knives,

315
00:17:08,530 --> 00:17:12,108
and because, you know,
actually when this started,

316
00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:14,512
believe it or not, this was back

317
00:17:14,536 --> 00:17:19,315
when they were trying
to fix and reindoctrinate

318
00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:23,510
my sister Merry after she
tried to expose The Family.

319
00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:27,525
Okay, we had, as kids...

320
00:17:27,549 --> 00:17:29,660
I didn't get along
that well with Merry

321
00:17:29,684 --> 00:17:31,261
because she was older.

322
00:17:31,285 --> 00:17:34,698
She was better at playing
the game than we were.

323
00:17:34,722 --> 00:17:37,400
We were just little
fuckers, trying to have fun.

324
00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:39,469
She set the bar so high,

325
00:17:39,493 --> 00:17:42,629
because they really
did grade on a curve.

326
00:17:43,598 --> 00:17:45,833
It made it tough for us.

327
00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:50,814
But, you know,
none of us rejoiced

328
00:17:50,838 --> 00:17:54,183
when that happened
to her. Nobody.

329
00:17:54,207 --> 00:17:58,311
Nobody deserved that,
especially not a kid that age.

330
00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:04,327
So I watched every
day, new bruises on her.

331
00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:07,765
Big fucking, fat
fucking bruises on her.

332
00:18:07,789 --> 00:18:09,432
I started thinking to myself,

333
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:12,670
"Holy fuck! You know,
there's gotta be a way...

334
00:18:12,694 --> 00:18:14,605
There's gotta be a
way that one person

335
00:18:14,629 --> 00:18:17,340
can stand up to a
group of strong men.

336
00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:20,443
There's gotta be
some sort of equalizer."

337
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,636
And I found that equalizer.

338
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:25,315
In edged weapons.

339
00:18:25,339 --> 00:18:26,841
In training.

340
00:18:27,542 --> 00:18:32,947
But I never had a
chance to learn till I left.

341
00:18:33,514 --> 00:18:35,726
And even then I was

342
00:18:35,750 --> 00:18:39,863
into finding an art that was
just brutal about self-defense.

343
00:18:39,887 --> 00:18:44,602
Just, you know, give me
the worst technique possible

344
00:18:44,626 --> 00:18:46,604
and I wanna learn that.

345
00:18:46,628 --> 00:18:48,672
Not because I'm that
way as a human being,

346
00:18:48,696 --> 00:18:51,174
but I've seen how ugly
human beings can get

347
00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:53,510
when they wanna
fuck people over.

348
00:18:53,534 --> 00:18:55,535
Fuck little kids over.

349
00:18:55,737 --> 00:18:58,849
And when... if I ever see that,

350
00:18:58,873 --> 00:19:01,852
if that ever happens to
me, it's that whole mentality.

351
00:19:01,876 --> 00:19:03,554
I'm gonna get down to business

352
00:19:03,578 --> 00:19:05,723
and there's not
gonna be anything left.

353
00:19:05,747 --> 00:19:08,415
That's just what
I was looking for.

354
00:19:08,549 --> 00:19:10,084
Didn't find it.

355
00:19:10,885 --> 00:19:12,496
I tried karate for a while.

356
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:16,690
I always knew that I
didn't have the time.

357
00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:21,237
I guess that I was
just trying to fit in.

358
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:25,475
I was... it was something
in the back of my mind.

359
00:19:25,499 --> 00:19:27,500
It was always like...

360
00:19:28,803 --> 00:19:32,248
I'd always felt like the
resources that I had

361
00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:34,752
just weren't adequate, and
no matter how much I did,

362
00:19:34,776 --> 00:19:38,421
I'd replenish those resources,
it just wasn't happening.

363
00:19:38,445 --> 00:19:41,457
So I was just using my own
power without replenishing it.

364
00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:42,826
Eventually it would be gone,

365
00:19:42,850 --> 00:19:44,595
which is kind of
what I feel now.

366
00:19:44,619 --> 00:19:48,421
But anyway,
getting back to that.

367
00:19:48,656 --> 00:19:51,591
I finally found this teacher.

368
00:19:51,959 --> 00:19:54,095
He was really cool.

369
00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:57,841
He was sort of a new age guy,

370
00:19:57,865 --> 00:20:01,679
but man, that guy
could fucking kick ass.

371
00:20:01,703 --> 00:20:06,249
He was... he studied
an Indonesian system

372
00:20:06,273 --> 00:20:10,988
which was under their
Pencak Silat umbrella.

373
00:20:11,012 --> 00:20:15,291
Very brutal. No
fucking around system.

374
00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:18,719
So... Oh, I got two rounds left.

375
00:20:19,053 --> 00:20:20,430
Anyway.

376
00:20:20,454 --> 00:20:22,633
So I always figured that...

377
00:20:22,657 --> 00:20:25,368
And I always still
think about suicide

378
00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:27,705
and I try to push it away.

379
00:20:27,729 --> 00:20:29,372
I am successful for a while,

380
00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:31,675
but it always comes back.

381
00:20:31,699 --> 00:20:34,835
It started coming
back more frequently,

382
00:20:35,503 --> 00:20:38,205
those thoughts, and...

383
00:20:39,674 --> 00:20:41,608
And I just...

384
00:20:42,043 --> 00:20:44,555
I just wanted it to end.

385
00:20:44,579 --> 00:20:48,916
That was my hope
and also my fear.

386
00:20:49,083 --> 00:20:53,564
That when I died, I
would just want to flatline

387
00:20:53,588 --> 00:20:54,765
and nothing else,

388
00:20:54,789 --> 00:20:56,567
'cause I would not
wanna go through,

389
00:20:56,591 --> 00:20:58,334
in another dimension,

390
00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:00,861
what I'm going through here,
and what I had been through.

391
00:21:01,929 --> 00:21:04,708
Now I'm not so sure about that.

392
00:21:04,732 --> 00:21:06,476
I don't really
know what to think,

393
00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:09,680
but I think there's enough
evidence, if you will,

394
00:21:09,704 --> 00:21:14,551
to at least make
one stop and consider

395
00:21:14,575 --> 00:21:17,588
that we may not believe
in God, but I don't,

396
00:21:17,612 --> 00:21:20,557
at least certainly not the
Christian fucked up God

397
00:21:20,581 --> 00:21:21,925
who has a big fucking dick

398
00:21:21,949 --> 00:21:24,862
that he wants to stick
up everyone's ass.

399
00:21:24,886 --> 00:21:29,666
But I don't know, I'm starting
to think that life goes on,

400
00:21:29,690 --> 00:21:32,803
and that fucking scares me.

401
00:21:32,827 --> 00:21:35,105
That really does scare
me more than anything,

402
00:21:35,129 --> 00:21:39,076
Because I don't know,
I don't want it to go on.

403
00:21:39,100 --> 00:21:41,836
I just want it to be over.

404
00:21:42,637 --> 00:21:47,640
So anyway... I think
about suicide all the time.

405
00:21:47,809 --> 00:21:49,620
Then I figured
I'd cut my wrists,

406
00:21:49,644 --> 00:21:52,612
because I like knives
so much, you know.

407
00:21:53,214 --> 00:21:57,795
But everybody does this, to
simply cut across the wrist.

408
00:21:57,819 --> 00:22:00,631
Sometimes more than once.

409
00:22:00,655 --> 00:22:02,099
One's bullshit.

410
00:22:02,123 --> 00:22:04,835
They say the best thing
to do is to get a scalpel.

411
00:22:04,859 --> 00:22:08,705
It's incredibly small,
sharp, and just dig,

412
00:22:08,729 --> 00:22:12,441
dig in right there and
go as far as you can go.

413
00:22:12,465 --> 00:22:15,145
So yeah, I was thinking
that's pretty cool, you know.

414
00:22:15,169 --> 00:22:19,983
Maybe I'll, you know,
rent a nice hotel.

415
00:22:20,007 --> 00:22:22,653
Nice hotel, you know,
maybe the penthouse.

416
00:22:22,677 --> 00:22:26,590
Run a nice fucking
bath in the jacuzzi tub.

417
00:22:26,614 --> 00:22:31,895
Spend the night
with a nice hooker.

418
00:22:31,919 --> 00:22:33,564
I thought that'd be cool,

419
00:22:33,588 --> 00:22:35,933
because I've never
been with a hooker before.

420
00:22:35,957 --> 00:22:38,735
And...

421
00:22:38,759 --> 00:22:42,606
Anyway, it's like Tom says,

422
00:22:42,630 --> 00:22:44,775
you're gonna pay for
sex one way or another.

423
00:22:44,799 --> 00:22:47,811
Might was well pay somebody
who knows what they're doing.

424
00:22:47,835 --> 00:22:51,072
So anyway, that's
sort of my dream.

425
00:22:51,339 --> 00:22:54,208
Not the end, you know.

426
00:22:55,009 --> 00:22:56,753
Have some beers,

427
00:22:56,777 --> 00:22:59,489
get out my scalpel in
a nice hot jacuzzi tub.

428
00:22:59,513 --> 00:23:01,282
Just end it.

429
00:23:02,717 --> 00:23:06,029
Without enough
time to breathe out.

430
00:23:06,053 --> 00:23:10,601
Before that, though,
I just wanted to leave.

431
00:23:10,625 --> 00:23:13,203
Just wanted to take
whatever money I'd saved up

432
00:23:13,227 --> 00:23:16,931
and just go somewhere
cool, like Bali.

433
00:23:17,031 --> 00:23:19,100
And now...

434
00:23:19,567 --> 00:23:23,013
Indonesia isn't the
greatest place to be.

435
00:23:23,037 --> 00:23:25,115
I don't know about Bali.

436
00:23:25,139 --> 00:23:29,152
Not so good on my
Indonesian geography right now.

437
00:23:29,176 --> 00:23:32,246
But... somewhere like that.

438
00:23:33,147 --> 00:23:35,726
Could be anywhere, really.

439
00:23:35,750 --> 00:23:37,127
It'd have to be warm

440
00:23:37,151 --> 00:23:40,597
and it would have to
have a nice sandy beach.

441
00:23:40,621 --> 00:23:44,101
And... lots of pretty girls.

442
00:23:44,125 --> 00:23:47,061
And you know, just go.

443
00:23:47,862 --> 00:23:49,539
Wait till the money runs out.

444
00:23:49,563 --> 00:23:52,766
You know, just have
fun, just have a break.

445
00:23:53,634 --> 00:23:56,013
I've been going
non-fucking stop,

446
00:23:56,037 --> 00:23:59,016
like I'm sure
everybody else has,

447
00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:02,276
since I've left
that fucking cult.

448
00:24:03,244 --> 00:24:05,822
And man, that fishing.

449
00:24:05,846 --> 00:24:08,492
Fucking Christ that was hard.

450
00:24:08,516 --> 00:24:09,927
That was fucking hell.

451
00:24:09,951 --> 00:24:11,828
That would be one
of my ideas of hell,

452
00:24:11,852 --> 00:24:14,731
is to be on that
fishing boat for eternity.

453
00:24:14,755 --> 00:24:16,600
God dammit.

454
00:24:16,624 --> 00:24:18,702
It was fucking nasty.

455
00:24:18,726 --> 00:24:21,004
Part of it was because it
was my first job, you know,

456
00:24:21,028 --> 00:24:24,875
it was my first
real introduction

457
00:24:24,899 --> 00:24:29,003
to life on the
outside, was that.

458
00:24:30,071 --> 00:24:33,817
And yeah, it was a
jumpstart. Let me tell you.

459
00:24:33,841 --> 00:24:38,255
But... I got through
it and I did really well.

460
00:24:38,279 --> 00:24:41,291
I got an extremely good
review and a good bonus

461
00:24:41,315 --> 00:24:42,759
and it was cool.

462
00:24:42,783 --> 00:24:45,819
It was a good
experience, but anyway.

463
00:24:46,587 --> 00:24:48,298
Getting back to suicide.

464
00:24:48,322 --> 00:24:51,034
That's what I wanted to do then.

465
00:24:51,058 --> 00:24:52,970
I would kill myself,

466
00:24:52,994 --> 00:24:56,740
and God how I wanted to do that.

467
00:24:56,764 --> 00:25:00,043
I want to follow that scenario.

468
00:25:00,067 --> 00:25:01,211
I just wanna leave.

469
00:25:01,235 --> 00:25:04,305
Spend a few months
and then end it.

470
00:25:05,706 --> 00:25:07,851
But you know what I feel
about that, that would be

471
00:25:07,875 --> 00:25:09,252
the selfish thing to do,

472
00:25:09,276 --> 00:25:11,555
that would be the
quitter's way out.

473
00:25:11,579 --> 00:25:14,858
Because yeah, I'm
sort of quitting right now,

474
00:25:14,882 --> 00:25:17,127
but in a way, I'm not,
because I'm not doing it

475
00:25:17,151 --> 00:25:19,696
the way that I wanna do it.

476
00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:22,566
I'm trying to do
something lasting.

477
00:25:22,590 --> 00:25:24,234
Something that, God forbid,

478
00:25:24,258 --> 00:25:26,336
in the next life,
if it does go on,

479
00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:29,272
I can look back at this
and if I'm able to and know

480
00:25:29,296 --> 00:25:32,642
that, okay, maybe I didn't
technically do the right thing,

481
00:25:32,666 --> 00:25:35,436
but I tried to do
something to help.

482
00:25:35,669 --> 00:25:38,439
I didn't just fade away.

483
00:25:38,773 --> 00:25:41,251
I didn't just turn tail

484
00:25:41,275 --> 00:25:44,054
and run and let
those fuckers win.

485
00:25:44,078 --> 00:25:46,256
But I did what I could
to make a difference.

486
00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:48,992
And I don't know how
really far that I'm gonna get.

487
00:25:49,016 --> 00:25:52,329
And it's starting to look like
it's not going to be very far,

488
00:25:52,353 --> 00:25:54,922
and that's gonna suck ass.

489
00:25:56,791 --> 00:26:01,071
I might not... well I'll get
one person, that's for sure.

490
00:26:01,095 --> 00:26:03,640
My source for the information.

491
00:26:03,664 --> 00:26:09,036
The goal is to bring down those
sick fuckers, mama and Peter.

492
00:26:09,870 --> 00:26:11,948
My own mother.

493
00:26:11,972 --> 00:26:14,351
What an evil little
cunt. God dammit.

494
00:26:14,375 --> 00:26:16,086
How can you do that to kids?

495
00:26:16,110 --> 00:26:19,856
How can you do that to
kids and then sleep at night?

496
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:22,049
I don't fucking know.

497
00:26:22,283 --> 00:26:24,151
Anyway.

498
00:26:24,919 --> 00:26:26,730
That's my goal.

499
00:26:26,754 --> 00:26:29,833
But I'm one person

500
00:26:29,857 --> 00:26:33,770
and I'm working under situations

501
00:26:33,794 --> 00:26:35,639
that aren't that
great right now,

502
00:26:35,663 --> 00:26:38,909
because I only have a
small window of opportunity

503
00:26:38,933 --> 00:26:43,504
to get the information that
I need out of this person.

504
00:26:45,172 --> 00:26:47,350
I'm not trained in
torture methods,

505
00:26:47,374 --> 00:26:51,045
which is... why I'm
gonna have to make do.

506
00:26:51,679 --> 00:26:55,058
I got my drill here.

507
00:26:55,082 --> 00:26:57,828
The reason why it's got
this fucking padding on here

508
00:26:57,852 --> 00:27:00,964
is because I'm trying
to silence it a little bit.

509
00:27:00,988 --> 00:27:02,856
I'm in an apartment.

510
00:27:03,157 --> 00:27:05,402
I got gags.

511
00:27:05,426 --> 00:27:07,394
Fucking socks.

512
00:27:07,995 --> 00:27:10,273
I got a soldering iron.

513
00:27:10,297 --> 00:27:12,709
Heat.

514
00:27:12,733 --> 00:27:15,846
I got a crude implement
that can work wonders,

515
00:27:15,870 --> 00:27:18,915
especially if it's
used in the right way.

516
00:27:18,939 --> 00:27:20,684
But...

517
00:27:20,708 --> 00:27:23,053
I'm not trained, I don't
know how to fucking do this.

518
00:27:23,077 --> 00:27:25,913
I don't wanna fucking
do this, God dammit.

519
00:27:28,949 --> 00:27:31,161
Oh man, you gotta see this.

520
00:27:31,185 --> 00:27:33,163
This is not for torture,

521
00:27:33,187 --> 00:27:34,965
but man it could be.

522
00:27:34,989 --> 00:27:39,169
775,000 volts.

523
00:27:39,193 --> 00:27:41,128
You've gotta hear this puppy.

524
00:27:43,197 --> 00:27:44,531
Wow!

525
00:27:44,732 --> 00:27:47,468
That's gotta scare anybody.

526
00:27:50,871 --> 00:27:54,417
But it's not gonna
be used for scaring.

527
00:27:54,441 --> 00:27:59,389
It's gonna be used for
temporarily incapacitating them.

528
00:27:59,413 --> 00:28:02,249
It's a non-lethal weapon.

529
00:28:03,017 --> 00:28:05,119
Anyway.

530
00:28:05,953 --> 00:28:07,797
So I don't wanna turn and run,

531
00:28:07,821 --> 00:28:09,900
you know, I don't wanna...

532
00:28:09,924 --> 00:28:12,969
My goal is to get those
sick fucks, mama and Peter,

533
00:28:12,993 --> 00:28:15,472
and then I can
go to the next life,

534
00:28:15,496 --> 00:28:20,067
knowing that... you
know, I made a difference.

535
00:28:20,901 --> 00:28:22,946
I'll still go.

536
00:28:22,970 --> 00:28:24,948
No matter what
happens I'll still go,

537
00:28:24,972 --> 00:28:26,517
knowing that I tried.

538
00:28:26,541 --> 00:28:29,786
That I did the best
that I could at the time.

539
00:28:29,810 --> 00:28:33,123
Given my experiences,
given my state of mind,

540
00:28:33,147 --> 00:28:34,492
given that I was alone,

541
00:28:34,516 --> 00:28:37,827
given that I struggled
with so many things,

542
00:28:37,851 --> 00:28:41,898
given that, you know,
that if I had it clear,

543
00:28:41,922 --> 00:28:48,171
if I had the warrior's mind,
like Miyamoto Musashi

544
00:28:48,195 --> 00:28:51,174
wrote about in a
<i>Book of Five Rings,</i>

545
00:28:51,198 --> 00:28:53,376
you know, that I probably
would have gotten

546
00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:55,445
a lot further in this endeavor.

547
00:28:55,469 --> 00:28:58,549
You know, just
thinking of nothing,

548
00:28:58,573 --> 00:29:01,485
nothing by killing your
opponent single-minded,

549
00:29:01,509 --> 00:29:04,821
no background noise in the mind.

550
00:29:04,845 --> 00:29:06,856
No eternal chatter.

551
00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:10,017
Getting down to
business and doing it.

552
00:29:11,952 --> 00:29:16,056
But unfortunately it hasn't
been that easy for me.

553
00:29:16,558 --> 00:29:18,192
Anyway.

554
00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:20,136
Anyway, I'll give it a shot.

555
00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:22,463
We'll see what happens.

556
00:29:22,796 --> 00:29:24,441
Hopefully if I don't make it,

557
00:29:24,465 --> 00:29:27,511
hopefully somebody
else will pick up the torch.

558
00:29:27,535 --> 00:29:30,947
Hopefully in the end,
whether they rot in jail

559
00:29:30,971 --> 00:29:33,416
and get buffoed in the
ass by some inmate,

560
00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:36,453
or whether somebody
blows their fucking head off,

561
00:29:36,477 --> 00:29:38,388
or slits their fucking throat,

562
00:29:38,412 --> 00:29:41,057
hopefully somebody will
do something effectively

563
00:29:41,081 --> 00:29:44,284
that will end their
fucking miserable lives.

564
00:29:45,052 --> 00:29:46,497
But anyway.

565
00:29:46,521 --> 00:29:49,199
My main incentive
in this is knowing

566
00:29:49,223 --> 00:29:53,460
that it will make me feel a
whole fuck of a lot better.

567
00:29:53,961 --> 00:30:00,143
But maybe it'll bring,
well, if I'm successful,

568
00:30:00,167 --> 00:30:03,346
Which is starting
to look kind of slim,

569
00:30:03,370 --> 00:30:07,174
Slim chance right now,
but it's worth a shot.

570
00:30:08,976 --> 00:30:13,524
Because if I am successful,
I mean, I can just see

571
00:30:13,548 --> 00:30:16,960
those fucking
thousands of Family kids,

572
00:30:16,984 --> 00:30:19,754
you know, who
have been abused...

573
00:30:20,287 --> 00:30:22,866
Okay, well maybe
there's not 1,000.

574
00:30:22,890 --> 00:30:24,901
But you know, maybe
some of the kids,

575
00:30:24,925 --> 00:30:27,237
especially the new generation.

576
00:30:27,261 --> 00:30:29,573
They don't know
that they're abused.

577
00:30:29,597 --> 00:30:32,108
They don't think they...

578
00:30:32,132 --> 00:30:34,911
I guess they certainly
haven't been sexually abused,

579
00:30:34,935 --> 00:30:36,913
but you know what?
That's not good enough.

580
00:30:36,937 --> 00:30:39,215
Because what about
the thousands of us

581
00:30:39,239 --> 00:30:42,152
who have been
fucked over? Literally.

582
00:30:42,176 --> 00:30:45,121
What about us?
Where's our apology?

583
00:30:45,145 --> 00:30:46,990
They're not even sorry.

584
00:30:47,014 --> 00:30:49,292
They're not even fucking sorry.

585
00:30:49,316 --> 00:30:51,629
Can you imagine all of a
sudden, to hear one day,

586
00:30:51,653 --> 00:30:54,898
"Guess what? Mama and
Peter are fucking dead."

587
00:30:54,922 --> 00:30:57,167
Yeah, somebody
went into their house

588
00:30:57,191 --> 00:30:59,102
or their fucking motor
home or whatever

589
00:30:59,126 --> 00:31:02,238
and poured gasoline on
them and they lit a match

590
00:31:02,262 --> 00:31:03,607
and had a fucking barbeque.

591
00:31:03,631 --> 00:31:05,509
Wow! Can you imagine?

592
00:31:05,533 --> 00:31:07,678
I can imagine putting
myself in this place.

593
00:31:07,702 --> 00:31:12,048
How it would make me feel if I
heard that somebody did that.

594
00:31:12,072 --> 00:31:17,020
And I would be like, "Wow!
There is justice in this world."

595
00:31:17,044 --> 00:31:19,389
And an incredible
weight would be lifted

596
00:31:19,413 --> 00:31:20,691
off my shoulders,

597
00:31:20,715 --> 00:31:23,150
and I would be able
to go on with my life.

598
00:31:23,718 --> 00:31:25,462
Yeah I'd have fucking problems,

599
00:31:25,486 --> 00:31:28,666
but I got stuck
on this one thing.

600
00:31:28,690 --> 00:31:32,268
I got stuck because
there's this need that I have.

601
00:31:32,292 --> 00:31:35,138
This need. It's not a
want, it's a fucking need.

602
00:31:35,162 --> 00:31:37,941
And I wish it wasn't, but it is.

603
00:31:37,965 --> 00:31:39,342
It's a need for revenge.

604
00:31:39,366 --> 00:31:42,078
It's a need for
justice, because I...

605
00:31:42,102 --> 00:31:44,571
I can't go on like this.

606
00:31:44,706 --> 00:31:47,250
So I can imagine
how I would feel,

607
00:31:47,274 --> 00:31:49,687
how liberating it would be.

608
00:31:49,711 --> 00:31:52,490
And I hope that I'm successful.

609
00:31:52,514 --> 00:31:54,357
Like, I can't see how

610
00:31:54,381 --> 00:31:56,627
I wouldn't have
this effect on people.

611
00:31:56,651 --> 00:31:59,429
You know, any...

612
00:31:59,453 --> 00:32:01,231
Anything you talk
about The Family

613
00:32:01,255 --> 00:32:02,733
would just end up like,

614
00:32:02,757 --> 00:32:05,703
"Oh but Jesus Christ, they
got what they deserved."

615
00:32:05,727 --> 00:32:07,370
That's worth dying for.

616
00:32:07,394 --> 00:32:09,172
Even the thought,
even the attempt

617
00:32:09,196 --> 00:32:11,274
at bringing that
about for people.

618
00:32:11,298 --> 00:32:14,869
That gift for them
is worth dying for.

619
00:32:15,035 --> 00:32:16,614
You bet it is.

620
00:32:16,638 --> 00:32:20,150
So that's what
I'm gonna try to do.

621
00:32:20,174 --> 00:32:23,677
I'm gonna try, I'm
gonna try my very best.

622
00:32:25,012 --> 00:32:28,526
Now, there is one
problem, though,

623
00:32:28,550 --> 00:32:33,631
and that is as I go
on my merry way,

624
00:32:33,655 --> 00:32:37,535
I'm not going to... hurt

625
00:32:37,559 --> 00:32:41,471
or try to hurt any
law enforcement.

626
00:32:41,495 --> 00:32:44,207
Now, that's gonna be
really tough to do this,

627
00:32:44,231 --> 00:32:45,475
without doing that.

628
00:32:45,499 --> 00:32:49,202
But... that's where
I draw the line.

629
00:32:49,604 --> 00:32:51,181
I'm not gonna hurt them.

630
00:32:51,205 --> 00:32:54,284
I'm not going to
try to hurt them.

631
00:32:54,308 --> 00:32:57,153
I respect law enforcement.

632
00:32:57,177 --> 00:32:59,757
The justice system
has let us down,

633
00:32:59,781 --> 00:33:02,325
however, those
cops are out there,

634
00:33:02,349 --> 00:33:04,394
putting their lives
on the line for us,

635
00:33:04,418 --> 00:33:06,329
and I must say...

636
00:33:06,353 --> 00:33:08,732
Yeah, there's some
fucked-up cops out there.

637
00:33:08,756 --> 00:33:12,626
But I'm thankful for
them and I respect them.

638
00:33:12,861 --> 00:33:18,498
I got to know an INS agent.

639
00:33:18,600 --> 00:33:21,344
He's a really cool
guy at my range.

640
00:33:21,368 --> 00:33:24,314
That's where I got my
concealed weapons permit.

641
00:33:24,338 --> 00:33:28,318
And I'm so glad that I did that,

642
00:33:28,342 --> 00:33:31,489
'cause even though I really
don't carry my gun around,

643
00:33:31,513 --> 00:33:35,258
because my gun's really
only for one purpose.

644
00:33:35,282 --> 00:33:38,094
Even though I have
all these bullets,

645
00:33:38,118 --> 00:33:41,197
I guess I figured it's better to
have them and not need them.

646
00:33:41,221 --> 00:33:46,493
But I really only need
one, and that's for myself.

647
00:33:50,163 --> 00:33:53,233
So I don't carry my gun around.

648
00:33:55,135 --> 00:33:58,114
I'm so glad I went to that
concealed weapons permit class,

649
00:33:58,138 --> 00:33:59,850
because I learned so much.

650
00:33:59,874 --> 00:34:02,375
I learned about the law.

651
00:34:03,878 --> 00:34:05,823
One cool thing that I learned,

652
00:34:05,847 --> 00:34:08,291
and this is something
that our instructor

653
00:34:08,315 --> 00:34:10,393
brought up out of the blue,

654
00:34:10,417 --> 00:34:14,397
that here in our
great state of Arizona,

655
00:34:14,421 --> 00:34:17,100
Jesus Land as
some people call it,

656
00:34:17,124 --> 00:34:20,804
if you catch an adult
sexually abusing a minor,

657
00:34:20,828 --> 00:34:22,405
if you catch them in the act,

658
00:34:22,429 --> 00:34:25,475
you can walk up to
them and execute them.

659
00:34:25,499 --> 00:34:27,845
And it would be a
justifiable homicide.

660
00:34:27,869 --> 00:34:30,346
A legal shooting.

661
00:34:30,370 --> 00:34:32,148
You better damn
well be able to prove

662
00:34:32,172 --> 00:34:34,818
it was actually happening,
or you're gonna be fucked.

663
00:34:34,842 --> 00:34:38,545
But the law still
stands, it's legal.

664
00:34:38,780 --> 00:34:41,324
And that brings a
smile to my face,

665
00:34:41,348 --> 00:34:43,985
every time I fucking
think about that.

666
00:34:44,217 --> 00:34:45,863
But you know what?

667
00:34:45,887 --> 00:34:50,423
My instructor said,
"That's too good for them."

668
00:34:50,825 --> 00:34:53,904
It's too good for them

669
00:34:53,928 --> 00:34:57,541
just to walk up and put
a bullet in their head.

670
00:34:57,565 --> 00:34:59,375
This is a normal dude, you know,

671
00:34:59,399 --> 00:35:02,412
and I looked around,
everybody in the class,

672
00:35:02,436 --> 00:35:05,148
vigorously shaking,
nodding their heads

673
00:35:05,172 --> 00:35:07,551
and saying, "Yeah,
that's fucking right."

674
00:35:07,575 --> 00:35:09,452
You know, these
are normal people.

675
00:35:09,476 --> 00:35:11,254
They're talking about walking up

676
00:35:11,278 --> 00:35:14,749
and blowing somebody's
head off for doing it once.

677
00:35:15,248 --> 00:35:18,194
Well, what does that tell you?

678
00:35:18,218 --> 00:35:21,397
Maybe I'm not so
weird after all, you know.

679
00:35:21,421 --> 00:35:24,400
Now of course, you've
gotta catch 'em in the act.

680
00:35:24,424 --> 00:35:30,597
Well, you know, it's a
little too late for that, for us.

681
00:35:30,732 --> 00:35:34,177
But the truth is, that's
the way people think.

682
00:35:34,201 --> 00:35:35,512
That's the way people think

683
00:35:35,536 --> 00:35:37,514
about these sick
fucked-up perverts.

684
00:35:37,538 --> 00:35:39,883
Just get 'em out of the way.

685
00:35:39,907 --> 00:35:41,608
So I...

686
00:35:41,843 --> 00:35:43,419
<i>Boondock Saints.</i>

687
00:35:43,443 --> 00:35:45,589
If you at all have a
chance to see that movie,

688
00:35:45,613 --> 00:35:47,491
it's excellent.

689
00:35:47,515 --> 00:35:50,617
I've watched that
movie so many times.

690
00:35:50,952 --> 00:35:53,964
It's just... yeah.

691
00:35:53,988 --> 00:35:56,958
You just get sick
and fucking tired.

692
00:35:57,257 --> 00:36:01,739
Now, they weren't really
executing child abusers,

693
00:36:01,763 --> 00:36:06,777
they were executing drug
dealers and murderers.

694
00:36:06,801 --> 00:36:08,979
Mafia, all that kind of shit.

695
00:36:09,003 --> 00:36:11,749
But anyway...

696
00:36:11,773 --> 00:36:14,652
People don't really
seem to care that much

697
00:36:14,676 --> 00:36:18,321
when those kind of people
start dropping like flies.

698
00:36:18,345 --> 00:36:20,948
Makes the world a safer place.

699
00:36:21,082 --> 00:36:24,460
But that's not why I'm
doing it to make it safer,

700
00:36:24,484 --> 00:36:26,664
I'm doing it for justice.

701
00:36:26,688 --> 00:36:27,965
I'm doing it for myself.

702
00:36:27,989 --> 00:36:29,867
I'm doing it for a
lot of other people

703
00:36:29,891 --> 00:36:33,493
who would like to see
those fuckers go down.

704
00:36:33,995 --> 00:36:36,764
So anyway, here I am.

705
00:36:37,330 --> 00:36:40,433
I've been lucky, I
guess in some ways.

706
00:36:41,602 --> 00:36:44,014
You know, I was
expecting to come here

707
00:36:44,038 --> 00:36:49,643
and have to pull a kind
of <i>47 Ronin</i> kind of thing,

708
00:36:50,210 --> 00:36:52,990
where to avenge
the death of their lord,

709
00:36:53,014 --> 00:36:58,361
they had to become, you know,
vagrants and bums, basically,

710
00:36:58,385 --> 00:37:00,631
for two years. Whatever.

711
00:37:00,655 --> 00:37:04,191
So I guess I'm lucky I
didn't have to wait that long.

712
00:37:04,892 --> 00:37:08,772
Just shows how stupid
these fucking cultists are.

713
00:37:08,796 --> 00:37:12,475
You know, just even
after all I wrote...

714
00:37:12,499 --> 00:37:16,480
Even in the last thing I wrote
on the "Moving On" website

715
00:37:16,504 --> 00:37:18,982
where I was just trying
to get some help with this,

716
00:37:19,006 --> 00:37:21,485
but you know what? I
was kind of glad I didn't get

717
00:37:21,509 --> 00:37:24,621
any help with this,
even though I wanted it.

718
00:37:24,645 --> 00:37:26,289
Because to me, I mean,

719
00:37:26,313 --> 00:37:28,592
I was as clear in
that as I could be

720
00:37:28,616 --> 00:37:30,393
without actually
spelling it out.

721
00:37:30,417 --> 00:37:33,520
And I'm glad, you know.

722
00:37:34,055 --> 00:37:36,767
I'm glad that others of us

723
00:37:36,791 --> 00:37:39,536
haven't gotten to the
point that I've gotten to,

724
00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:41,805
Where we really don't
have anything to lose.

725
00:37:41,829 --> 00:37:44,407
You know, I'm
happy because it...

726
00:37:44,431 --> 00:37:46,677
What it tells me is that, yeah,

727
00:37:46,701 --> 00:37:50,071
people still have hope,
they're still going on.

728
00:37:51,839 --> 00:37:57,788
This one guy, he said
that he knew what I meant

729
00:37:57,812 --> 00:38:01,759
right off the bat, right
after reading that.

730
00:38:01,783 --> 00:38:07,021
And he said that
we're dropping like flies.

731
00:38:08,421 --> 00:38:10,501
Well, I don't know if we're
dropping out that fast,

732
00:38:10,525 --> 00:38:14,095
but yeah, a lot of
people are going out.

733
00:38:16,564 --> 00:38:19,610
I don't know, I think it's
kind of easy to just one night,

734
00:38:19,634 --> 00:38:23,680
you know, one day
just... decide to end it.

735
00:38:23,704 --> 00:38:25,973
Just do it.

736
00:38:27,407 --> 00:38:29,820
But I think it's pretty
fucking hard to do

737
00:38:29,844 --> 00:38:36,059
what I've been trying to do
and, like, plan to where I know,

738
00:38:36,083 --> 00:38:38,361
not really knowing when,

739
00:38:38,385 --> 00:38:42,023
but soon I'm gonna have to go.

740
00:38:44,892 --> 00:38:50,808
But I don't know,
it's... it's harder not...

741
00:38:50,832 --> 00:38:53,610
It's a lot harder than
I thought it would be.

742
00:38:53,634 --> 00:38:58,148
But yeah, I really don't
have anything to lose, I think.

743
00:38:58,172 --> 00:39:00,640
Yeah, I don't really wanna...

744
00:39:00,875 --> 00:39:05,279
go through my life
the way it is now.

745
00:39:05,445 --> 00:39:08,049
I've tried for four years.

746
00:39:08,249 --> 00:39:10,317
Sure, it's not long.

747
00:39:12,653 --> 00:39:14,955
Feels like a fucking lifetime.

748
00:39:15,556 --> 00:39:18,135
Feels like a God
damn lifetime to me,

749
00:39:18,159 --> 00:39:22,573
and every day, if it
had just gotten better,

750
00:39:22,597 --> 00:39:25,609
just a little better
even emotionally,

751
00:39:25,633 --> 00:39:27,945
mentally for me, and...

752
00:39:27,969 --> 00:39:32,115
It would have been okay. It
would have given me hope.

753
00:39:32,139 --> 00:39:34,184
But it's gotten worse.

754
00:39:34,208 --> 00:39:37,087
Every fucking day
has been a little worse

755
00:39:37,111 --> 00:39:39,313
than the day before.

756
00:39:44,752 --> 00:39:46,287
Um...

757
00:39:46,354 --> 00:39:49,689
It kind of reminds me of
that movie <i>Office Space,</i>

758
00:39:49,924 --> 00:39:53,637
where he's talking
to the hypnotherapist.

759
00:39:53,661 --> 00:39:56,874
And he says that every
day is a little worse.

760
00:39:56,898 --> 00:39:59,442
And the guy says
"Well, that's fucked up."

761
00:39:59,466 --> 00:40:03,370
And he catches
himself and apologizes.

762
00:40:05,940 --> 00:40:08,986
But yeah, it's fucked
up, it's really fucked up.

763
00:40:09,010 --> 00:40:11,188
But, hey, it's a life,

764
00:40:11,212 --> 00:40:15,182
and we're gonna play
the hand that we're dealt.

765
00:40:17,251 --> 00:40:21,098
So anyway, like
James Penn would say,

766
00:40:21,122 --> 00:40:24,792
time to get busy
living or get busy dying.

767
00:40:25,793 --> 00:40:28,695
Yeah, James Penn
got busy living.

768
00:40:29,597 --> 00:40:32,066
Guess I'm trying
to get busy dying.

769
00:40:32,432 --> 00:40:34,912
But, you know, people die.

770
00:40:34,936 --> 00:40:37,371
They do, every day.

771
00:40:38,272 --> 00:40:40,074
Every day.

772
00:40:40,574 --> 00:40:43,987
Its gonna happen to
everybody, you know.

773
00:40:44,011 --> 00:40:45,722
Sometime I wish that, you know,

774
00:40:45,746 --> 00:40:49,226
I'd get the <i>Braveheart</i>
speech from somebody.

775
00:40:49,250 --> 00:40:55,289
But it's true, you know, I
feel like we're in a war here.

776
00:40:55,890 --> 00:40:59,136
It's not necessarily
like a literal war,

777
00:40:59,160 --> 00:41:00,737
like I'm making...

778
00:41:00,761 --> 00:41:03,206
But it's a war nonetheless.

779
00:41:03,230 --> 00:41:07,811
I feel like every
one of us who is left

780
00:41:07,835 --> 00:41:09,646
in some way speaks out,

781
00:41:09,670 --> 00:41:11,648
in some way tries
to help somebody,

782
00:41:11,672 --> 00:41:14,341
in some way tries
to help ourselves,

783
00:41:14,508 --> 00:41:17,211
is a soldier in this war.

784
00:41:18,546 --> 00:41:19,923
It's a war on terror,

785
00:41:19,947 --> 00:41:23,293
because these fuckers
are the real terrorists.

786
00:41:23,317 --> 00:41:26,596
You know, Bush and Kerry

787
00:41:26,620 --> 00:41:28,165
get up on their
campaign platforms,

788
00:41:28,189 --> 00:41:30,133
and they talk about how
they're gonna hunt down

789
00:41:30,157 --> 00:41:32,302
Al-Qaeda terrorists
and kill 'em.

790
00:41:32,326 --> 00:41:33,937
And kill 'em.

791
00:41:33,961 --> 00:41:35,305
That's what they said.

792
00:41:35,329 --> 00:41:37,431
Hunt them down and kill 'em.

793
00:41:37,932 --> 00:41:39,910
Well, you know, my question is,

794
00:41:39,934 --> 00:41:43,814
you know... what about these
fucking perverts, you know?

795
00:41:43,838 --> 00:41:46,316
Aren't they the real terrorists?

796
00:41:46,340 --> 00:41:50,120
Terrorizing little kids,
driving them to suicide.

797
00:41:50,144 --> 00:41:53,657
Isn't that like murdering them?

798
00:41:53,681 --> 00:41:55,192
Basically?

799
00:41:55,216 --> 00:41:58,128
You fuck with their minds
so much that they can't go on.

800
00:41:58,152 --> 00:42:00,030
They can't really go on.

801
00:42:00,054 --> 00:42:02,456
Isn't that like killing them?

802
00:42:02,723 --> 00:42:05,159
Fucking bastards.

803
00:42:07,261 --> 00:42:08,461
Anyway.

804
00:42:09,230 --> 00:42:12,109
It's a war on terror.

805
00:42:12,133 --> 00:42:13,977
It's like the military.

806
00:42:14,001 --> 00:42:18,072
You know, there's so
many different branches.

807
00:42:19,907 --> 00:42:22,019
There's, like, special ops,

808
00:42:22,043 --> 00:42:25,779
that I'm starting to think
I'm sort of in this war.

809
00:42:26,747 --> 00:42:28,992
There's the medics.

810
00:42:29,016 --> 00:42:31,261
I know some people
who are medics.

811
00:42:31,285 --> 00:42:34,064
The kind of people who
are so cool to be around,

812
00:42:34,088 --> 00:42:37,825
and... make you feel
good about yourself.

813
00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:40,995
Encourage you.

814
00:42:42,396 --> 00:42:44,107
They have their own...

815
00:42:44,131 --> 00:42:47,044
God knows that they have
a lot of their own struggles,

816
00:42:47,068 --> 00:42:51,472
but they try to put those
aside and help other people.

817
00:42:51,906 --> 00:42:54,108
Those are like the medics.

818
00:42:55,009 --> 00:42:56,787
There's people in PsyOps.

819
00:42:56,811 --> 00:42:59,289
Psychological warfare, I think.

820
00:42:59,313 --> 00:43:01,825
There's the generals,

821
00:43:01,849 --> 00:43:04,761
people who are trying
to coordinate this effort

822
00:43:04,785 --> 00:43:06,863
even now, as we speak.

823
00:43:06,887 --> 00:43:11,025
You know, they're trying to
do what they can to put together

824
00:43:11,225 --> 00:43:14,971
new battles, new court cases,

825
00:43:14,995 --> 00:43:20,301
articles trying to get people
aware of what happened.

826
00:43:20,935 --> 00:43:24,438
It's happening
still in many ways.

827
00:43:26,373 --> 00:43:29,086
So yeah, I think
we're all part of...

828
00:43:29,110 --> 00:43:32,513
we all have our part to play.

829
00:43:32,947 --> 00:43:35,916
And... yeah.

830
00:43:39,420 --> 00:43:40,997
Um...

831
00:43:41,021 --> 00:43:44,391
I got in contact with my sister.

832
00:43:44,692 --> 00:43:50,340
Well I consider her my
sister, because to me she is.

833
00:43:50,364 --> 00:43:55,679
She's not flesh and blood,
but I'm talking about Divida.

834
00:43:55,703 --> 00:43:59,049
Everybody calls her Davida.

835
00:43:59,073 --> 00:44:02,409
But her name's actually
pronounced Divida.

836
00:44:03,444 --> 00:44:05,956
I was actually
with her in Ukraine

837
00:44:05,980 --> 00:44:10,284
when she left, and she
really felt forced to leave.

838
00:44:13,487 --> 00:44:16,066
She could have gone
back to the States, I guess.

839
00:44:16,090 --> 00:44:20,403
She had no money. The
leadership wouldn't let her.

840
00:44:20,427 --> 00:44:22,029
You know, they...

841
00:44:23,063 --> 00:44:25,842
They took that back later
and said that it wasn't true.

842
00:44:25,866 --> 00:44:27,177
But I know.

843
00:44:27,201 --> 00:44:29,012
I was there.

844
00:44:29,036 --> 00:44:33,440
They basically said she couldn't
go to any other home in Europe.

845
00:44:33,974 --> 00:44:38,045
The home that we were in
was basically falling apart.

846
00:44:38,412 --> 00:44:40,857
She was fucking scared.

847
00:44:40,881 --> 00:44:43,093
But I admired her so
much for her bravery,

848
00:44:43,117 --> 00:44:46,463
because she just left,
in the fucking Ukraine.

849
00:44:46,487 --> 00:44:49,366
She would basically
have one meal a day,

850
00:44:49,390 --> 00:44:51,935
sometimes not even that.

851
00:44:51,959 --> 00:44:54,395
Her friends would feed her.

852
00:44:54,495 --> 00:44:57,131
She got into the...

853
00:44:58,032 --> 00:45:00,911
being a mafia boss' girlfriend.

854
00:45:00,935 --> 00:45:04,405
She almost got herself killed.

855
00:45:06,106 --> 00:45:08,242
Had a fucking hard life.

856
00:45:09,176 --> 00:45:12,179
But she's still going. She's...

857
00:45:12,913 --> 00:45:16,583
Yeah, she's dancing in New York.

858
00:45:18,852 --> 00:45:21,288
Anyway.

859
00:45:21,623 --> 00:45:24,201
She calls me and
sometimes we talk.

860
00:45:24,225 --> 00:45:27,103
And she tells me the stuff
that she's going through,

861
00:45:27,127 --> 00:45:30,273
and... it breaks
my heart, you know,

862
00:45:30,297 --> 00:45:31,775
'cause I wanna help her,

863
00:45:31,799 --> 00:45:33,243
but there's just
nothing that I can do,

864
00:45:33,267 --> 00:45:36,846
because it's all up here,

865
00:45:36,870 --> 00:45:39,606
you know, the
damage has been done.

866
00:45:39,807 --> 00:45:43,453
I'm not saying that she's crazy,

867
00:45:43,477 --> 00:45:46,647
but she has nightmares at night.

868
00:45:47,915 --> 00:45:50,126
I guess a lot of us do.

869
00:45:50,150 --> 00:45:51,428
I have nightmares,

870
00:45:51,452 --> 00:45:54,097
but not really about
the same things,

871
00:45:54,121 --> 00:45:57,024
but about the cult.

872
00:45:57,258 --> 00:46:00,804
She has nightmares about
being dragged out of bed In

873
00:46:00,828 --> 00:46:05,499
the middle of the night
to go have sex with Berg.

874
00:46:08,002 --> 00:46:11,815
God damn, I can only imagine
what my sister goes through.

875
00:46:11,839 --> 00:46:14,117
I was telling somebody
today about how different

876
00:46:14,141 --> 00:46:18,888
my sister... this is Christina,
became after the pregnancy,

877
00:46:18,912 --> 00:46:20,957
and just what that did to her.

878
00:46:20,981 --> 00:46:25,295
It was just... so
sad to watch that.

879
00:46:25,319 --> 00:46:28,455
To see her retreat into herself.

880
00:46:31,125 --> 00:46:33,336
And now Sue calls me today

881
00:46:33,360 --> 00:46:36,463
and tells me how
great my sister is doing.

882
00:46:37,965 --> 00:46:40,477
That's been actually
one of the hardest things

883
00:46:40,501 --> 00:46:44,314
for me to have to, you know,
pretend that I'm making peace

884
00:46:44,338 --> 00:46:46,149
with these fucking
perverts, you know?

885
00:46:46,173 --> 00:46:49,953
You just wanna grab 'em
and just rip out their throat.

886
00:46:49,977 --> 00:46:52,714
And you know, I gotta be nice.

887
00:46:53,213 --> 00:46:55,559
It started with Gabe and Amy.

888
00:46:55,583 --> 00:46:58,094
Man, they have so
much blood on their hands

889
00:46:58,118 --> 00:47:00,096
it's not even fucking funny.

890
00:47:00,120 --> 00:47:02,198
I hope somebody takes 'em out.

891
00:47:02,222 --> 00:47:04,625
I don't think it's gonna be me.

892
00:47:05,359 --> 00:47:08,138
I definitely don't think
I'm gonna get that far.

893
00:47:08,162 --> 00:47:12,165
But... somebody's
gotta take 'em out.

894
00:47:12,366 --> 00:47:14,201
Those fuckers.

895
00:47:15,302 --> 00:47:19,049
Anyway, yeah, I talked
to them on the phone,

896
00:47:19,073 --> 00:47:21,318
you know, tell 'em about
myself, try to be nice.

897
00:47:21,342 --> 00:47:25,455
You know, Joy,
Trust, Angela, Sue.

898
00:47:25,479 --> 00:47:27,491
Whatever she's
going by these days.

899
00:47:27,515 --> 00:47:30,894
She calls me and,
you know, I have to do

900
00:47:30,918 --> 00:47:33,053
the whole thing again.

901
00:47:33,253 --> 00:47:35,622
So, anyway.

902
00:47:36,223 --> 00:47:37,524
Uh...

903
00:47:38,392 --> 00:47:40,762
She's telling me that
my sister's doing good.

904
00:47:41,261 --> 00:47:42,906
Yeah right.

905
00:47:42,930 --> 00:47:45,041
I was talking with
somebody else,

906
00:47:45,065 --> 00:47:47,911
we were talking about, 'cause...

907
00:47:47,935 --> 00:47:51,381
We sort of left around
the same time, I guess.

908
00:47:51,405 --> 00:47:55,609
She was at my mom's place
for longer than I was, though.

909
00:47:55,810 --> 00:47:57,387
Talking about my sister,

910
00:47:57,411 --> 00:48:01,281
and what a sad little
thing she was back then.

911
00:48:02,316 --> 00:48:05,218
I can only imagine
how bad it is now.

912
00:48:06,621 --> 00:48:09,700
Anyway, my mom's
going to pay for that.

913
00:48:09,724 --> 00:48:13,436
She's going to pay
dearly, one way or another.

914
00:48:13,460 --> 00:48:15,105
If I don't get to her...

915
00:48:15,129 --> 00:48:17,608
If I don't get to her,
and next life goes on,

916
00:48:17,632 --> 00:48:19,610
I'm going to keep
hunting her in the next life,

917
00:48:19,634 --> 00:48:21,111
and let me tell you,

918
00:48:21,135 --> 00:48:23,481
I wanna keep going
until somebody gets her.

919
00:48:23,505 --> 00:48:26,116
I get her. Justice will be done.

920
00:48:26,140 --> 00:48:29,185
Believe me, it's
only a matter of time.

921
00:48:29,209 --> 00:48:32,222
Somehow, someway,
it's gonna happen.

922
00:48:32,246 --> 00:48:34,548
I'm gonna try to do my part.

923
00:48:34,915 --> 00:48:37,060
We'll see what happens.

924
00:48:37,084 --> 00:48:39,152
We'll go from there.

925
00:48:41,488 --> 00:48:44,401
That's what my boss always says,

926
00:48:44,425 --> 00:48:48,161
"We'll see what happens, Rick,
and then we'll go from there."

927
00:48:48,630 --> 00:48:51,141
He's such a cool guy.

928
00:48:51,165 --> 00:48:55,178
He's, like, the best
boss in the world, I think.

929
00:48:55,202 --> 00:48:57,213
That's actually one
of my main regrets

930
00:48:57,237 --> 00:48:59,841
is having to do this.

931
00:49:00,642 --> 00:49:02,910
Having to leave him.

932
00:49:03,645 --> 00:49:07,290
Dessert him, 'cause I
know that he needs me.

933
00:49:07,314 --> 00:49:09,459
He has other guys
working with him, thankfully,

934
00:49:09,483 --> 00:49:12,496
or it would make it so much
harder for me to do this.

935
00:49:12,520 --> 00:49:14,454
But still...

936
00:49:15,723 --> 00:49:17,735
I wrote him a long note.

937
00:49:17,759 --> 00:49:20,862
Tried to explain what I could.

938
00:49:22,129 --> 00:49:25,800
What could he say, you
know? What could he say?

939
00:49:27,635 --> 00:49:29,804
Anyway.

940
00:49:30,705 --> 00:49:33,875
Yup. What can you do?

941
00:49:37,311 --> 00:49:41,224
Okay, well, I'm gonna
go take a break now.

942
00:49:41,248 --> 00:49:45,385
Maybe think of something
else useful to say.

943
00:49:56,096 --> 00:49:58,198
Well, I got my beer.

944
00:49:58,700 --> 00:50:02,235
That helps a bit, I guess.

945
00:50:02,504 --> 00:50:05,348
I'm bringing a six
pack along for the road

946
00:50:05,372 --> 00:50:07,317
in my little cooler.

947
00:50:07,341 --> 00:50:11,254
And hopefully, before
I actually have to go,

948
00:50:11,278 --> 00:50:16,650
I'll be able to... make
it a little more pleasant.

949
00:50:20,287 --> 00:50:22,757
I don't know, though...

950
00:50:32,432 --> 00:50:35,302
One of these
fuckers to the head.

951
00:50:39,774 --> 00:50:45,612
I don't think there's gonna
be much time to feel anything.

952
00:50:46,748 --> 00:50:48,492
Might hurt at
first for a second,

953
00:50:48,516 --> 00:50:53,320
but no more than
cutting your wrist.

954
00:50:55,757 --> 00:50:59,637
So let's hope I don't fuck
up and do something stupid

955
00:50:59,661 --> 00:51:03,363
and blow my nose off
instead of my fucking head.

956
00:51:05,800 --> 00:51:08,335
Well, anyway.

957
00:51:08,536 --> 00:51:10,037
Um...

958
00:51:11,739 --> 00:51:15,642
Maybe fate will smile on me.

959
00:51:17,812 --> 00:51:20,815
The god of war.

960
00:51:22,382 --> 00:51:25,652
The god of revenge.

961
00:51:28,623 --> 00:51:32,325
Maybe they will wish
me happy hunting.

962
00:51:33,327 --> 00:51:35,062
We shall see.

963
00:51:37,632 --> 00:51:39,801
But yeah, I mean...

964
00:51:41,468 --> 00:51:44,538
I guess I said all
I can fucking say.

965
00:51:46,340 --> 00:51:48,408
What can I say?

966
00:51:50,511 --> 00:51:52,379
You know.

967
00:51:53,648 --> 00:51:55,615
What could I fucking say?

968
00:51:59,587 --> 00:52:01,055
Um...

969
00:52:01,656 --> 00:52:07,494
Oh... to have a happy
and peaceful life.

970
00:52:07,895 --> 00:52:10,932
I tried. I did.

971
00:52:11,899 --> 00:52:14,969
Maybe I didn't try hard enough.

972
00:52:16,203 --> 00:52:19,073
I gave it what I
could, you know? I did.

973
00:52:19,907 --> 00:52:22,720
Yeah, should I beat myself up

974
00:52:22,744 --> 00:52:25,823
because I'm not as
strong as other people?

975
00:52:25,847 --> 00:52:28,224
You know, should I berate myself

976
00:52:28,248 --> 00:52:33,653
because I didn't have,
you know, mental stamina?

977
00:52:35,489 --> 00:52:39,803
It's funny, you know,
'cause parts of the Bible

978
00:52:39,827 --> 00:52:43,496
are pretty right on, you know?

979
00:52:44,565 --> 00:52:46,868
Stuff here and there.

980
00:52:47,869 --> 00:52:50,814
I mean there's gotta
be something, right?

981
00:52:50,838 --> 00:52:52,773
Right?

982
00:52:53,775 --> 00:52:59,556
Sort of like a monkey typing

983
00:52:59,580 --> 00:53:04,684
on a typewriter
for all eternity.

984
00:53:05,252 --> 00:53:06,597
All eternity.

985
00:53:06,621 --> 00:53:10,992
He's bound to write
something interesting.

986
00:53:12,325 --> 00:53:13,794
Um...

987
00:53:14,829 --> 00:53:16,163
Yeah.

988
00:53:23,303 --> 00:53:26,841
Yeah, I forgot what I
was gonna say, actually.

989
00:53:29,977 --> 00:53:33,147
Oh, what's that...

990
00:53:34,281 --> 00:53:38,294
what's that verse about?

991
00:53:38,318 --> 00:53:41,498
I try to forget all
those fucking verses,

992
00:53:41,522 --> 00:53:45,226
but they still keep coming
up every now and then.

993
00:53:48,261 --> 00:53:51,909
Luckily they're not as
clear as they used to be

994
00:53:51,933 --> 00:53:54,678
and that brings
some comfort to me.

995
00:53:54,702 --> 00:54:01,976
But I'm thinking about
the ones that, you know,

996
00:54:02,910 --> 00:54:06,213
about fainting in your mind.

997
00:54:07,749 --> 00:54:10,450
What's that verse about?

998
00:54:13,353 --> 00:54:18,960
Oh, a... a... a... wounded
spirit that can bear.

999
00:54:21,763 --> 00:54:24,031
You know, that kind of thing.

1000
00:54:24,464 --> 00:54:29,536
I sort of fainted in my
mind, you know, and...

1001
00:54:30,505 --> 00:54:32,448
I can keep going
in the physical.

1002
00:54:32,472 --> 00:54:34,674
But, you know...

1003
00:54:34,842 --> 00:54:38,489
do good work, have
a good job, you know.

1004
00:54:38,513 --> 00:54:40,815
Fairly nice apartment.

1005
00:54:41,249 --> 00:54:44,819
But it's all on the surface.

1006
00:54:45,720 --> 00:54:49,924
I fainted in my mind,
and I can't get out of it.

1007
00:54:50,725 --> 00:54:52,636
You know, I can't find

1008
00:54:52,660 --> 00:54:59,632
the smelling salts to wake
me up, so, you know...

1009
00:55:05,072 --> 00:55:08,009
What am I supposed to do?

1010
00:55:08,543 --> 00:55:10,111
You know...

1011
00:55:13,648 --> 00:55:19,129
So, anyhow, I guess
we'll see what happens.

1012
00:55:19,153 --> 00:55:26,260
I hope that, you know,
that you all keep going.

1013
00:55:26,459 --> 00:55:30,898
Whoever watches this video.

1014
00:55:31,999 --> 00:55:35,813
I hope that it
helps to understand

1015
00:55:35,837 --> 00:55:39,106
a bit where I'm coming from.

1016
00:55:40,541 --> 00:55:45,246
But I sort of seem
laid back right now.

1017
00:55:47,949 --> 00:55:53,931
But Jesus Christ,
anger does not begin,

1018
00:55:53,955 --> 00:55:57,000
does not begin to
describe how I feel

1019
00:55:57,024 --> 00:55:59,102
about those people
and what they've done,

1020
00:55:59,126 --> 00:56:03,106
you know I mean,
rage. I get livid.

1021
00:56:03,130 --> 00:56:08,635
You know... it's just a
little closer to the way I feel.

1022
00:56:09,537 --> 00:56:12,672
And...

1023
00:56:13,808 --> 00:56:16,753
That's gonna feel good
to do some damage,

1024
00:56:16,777 --> 00:56:18,989
even if it's not that much.

1025
00:56:19,013 --> 00:56:21,816
As far as I can go.

1026
00:56:22,550 --> 00:56:24,494
That's what I'm gonna do.

1027
00:56:24,518 --> 00:56:27,755
It's going to feel
so fucking good.

1028
00:56:28,956 --> 00:56:30,925
Liberating.

1029
00:56:32,793 --> 00:56:34,862
So...

1030
00:56:35,997 --> 00:56:38,866
Anyway, what can I say?

1031
00:56:40,968 --> 00:56:42,837
I guess I said it all.

1032
00:56:44,538 --> 00:56:46,740
So...

1033
00:56:47,642 --> 00:56:49,243
Yeah...

1034
00:56:50,044 --> 00:56:52,556
I guess I'm gonna go now.

1035
00:56:52,580 --> 00:56:54,524
I wanted to see that
movie <i>White Noise,</i>

1036
00:56:54,548 --> 00:56:58,562
just 'cause I'm sort of
interested in the afterlife.

1037
00:56:58,586 --> 00:57:00,998
Yeah, it's just a fucking movie.

1038
00:57:01,022 --> 00:57:03,791
But... it looked cool.

1039
00:57:04,091 --> 00:57:07,361
So... I like movies.

1040
00:57:08,095 --> 00:57:09,573
I think that it's 'cause

1041
00:57:09,597 --> 00:57:11,208
I wasn't allowed
to watch that many.

1042
00:57:11,232 --> 00:57:15,803
Yeah, sure, I watched
some with Berg and all,

1043
00:57:16,237 --> 00:57:19,340
but... shit.

1044
00:57:19,941 --> 00:57:23,177
It's kind of cool to
watch movies now.

1045
00:57:23,644 --> 00:57:27,715
So I guess I'm gonna
go watch that one.

1046
00:57:28,249 --> 00:57:30,251
Drink some beers.

1047
00:57:30,851 --> 00:57:32,720
Be happy.

1048
00:57:34,622 --> 00:57:36,991
What more could you want?

1049
00:57:41,929 --> 00:57:44,331
Yeah. Well.

1050
00:57:45,099 --> 00:57:47,401
I could think of a few things.

1051
00:57:49,036 --> 00:57:51,214
I thought how cool it would be

1052
00:57:51,238 --> 00:57:55,852
to go hunting for
some child traffickers

1053
00:57:55,876 --> 00:57:58,155
that are kidnapping
little fucking kids

1054
00:57:58,179 --> 00:57:59,990
down in Indonesia

1055
00:58:00,014 --> 00:58:03,560
and some of those
hard-hit countries.

1056
00:58:03,584 --> 00:58:06,630
Can you imagine
coming down there

1057
00:58:06,654 --> 00:58:11,134
to steal little children and
use them as sex slaves?

1058
00:58:11,158 --> 00:58:12,669
To use 'em?

1059
00:58:12,693 --> 00:58:16,397
To use their organs? Cut 'em up?

1060
00:58:16,797 --> 00:58:20,110
I mean, can you fucking
imagine doing that?

1061
00:58:20,134 --> 00:58:24,405
I mean in a way, that's what
these fuckers have done to us.

1062
00:58:24,772 --> 00:58:29,977
I mean they didn't actually
grab a knife and cut us up, but...

1063
00:58:30,211 --> 00:58:32,846
they fucked with our brains.

1064
00:58:33,080 --> 00:58:35,783
Used us as slaves.

1065
00:58:36,183 --> 00:58:38,662
And that's what we were,

1066
00:58:38,686 --> 00:58:42,632
every last fucking one of us.

1067
00:58:42,656 --> 00:58:44,234
Didn't matter how
we were treated,

1068
00:58:44,258 --> 00:58:47,161
we were just fucking
slaves, just there.

1069
00:58:49,230 --> 00:58:52,333
For those sick
fuckers' pleasures.

1070
00:58:54,602 --> 00:58:56,046
That's all it was.

1071
00:58:56,070 --> 00:58:59,506
That's all it was at
Berg's and mama's house.

1072
00:59:05,713 --> 00:59:07,381
All right.

1073
00:59:08,249 --> 00:59:09,984
Oh well.

1074
00:59:10,684 --> 00:59:12,129
Keep fighting.

1075
00:59:12,153 --> 00:59:14,031
Keep the faith.

1076
00:59:14,055 --> 00:59:16,924
And all that other stuff.

1077
00:59:17,358 --> 00:59:21,838
And someday, in some way,

1078
00:59:21,862 --> 00:59:26,333
some of us are gonna be
around to see those fuckers burn.

1079
00:59:27,201 --> 00:59:30,871
Literally or figuratively.

1080
00:59:31,105 --> 00:59:33,307
They're going down.

1081
00:59:35,910 --> 00:59:41,081
And with that happy
thought, I shall leave you.

1082
01:02:29,283 --> 01:02:31,051
Shit.

1083
01:02:42,096 --> 01:02:43,340
- <i>Hello?</i>
- Hey.

1084
01:02:43,364 --> 01:02:46,099
Elixcia, it's me.

1085
01:02:49,069 --> 01:02:50,146
<i>Ricky?</i>

1086
01:02:50,170 --> 01:02:51,638
Yeah.

1087
01:02:53,240 --> 01:02:56,543
<i>It's been a while.</i>

1088
01:02:57,344 --> 01:02:58,545
I know.

1089
01:02:59,514 --> 01:03:00,715
<i>What...</i>

1090
01:03:02,550 --> 01:03:05,252
<i>What have you been up to?</i>

1091
01:03:06,020 --> 01:03:10,991
Oh... you know... just working.

1092
01:03:11,325 --> 01:03:14,037
My grandparents
helped me get a job.

1093
01:03:14,061 --> 01:03:15,562
Got an apartment.

1094
01:03:17,898 --> 01:03:19,433
<i>Okay...</i>

1095
01:03:20,934 --> 01:03:22,703
How have you been?

1096
01:03:23,605 --> 01:03:25,305
<i>Um...</i>

1097
01:03:26,106 --> 01:03:28,008
<i>I'm fine.</i>

1098
01:03:28,909 --> 01:03:30,277
Good.

1099
01:03:30,745 --> 01:03:33,180
<i>What's going on?</i>

1100
01:03:34,549 --> 01:03:38,428
Um... I need you to write
something down for me.

1101
01:03:38,452 --> 01:03:42,256
<i>Oh... okay. Hold on.</i>

1102
01:03:46,393 --> 01:03:48,195
<i>Okay.</i>

1103
01:03:48,630 --> 01:03:53,467
Um... It's 519,

1104
01:03:53,668 --> 01:03:58,549
Los Altos, Apartment 343,

1105
01:03:58,573 --> 01:04:01,809
in Tucson, Arizona.

1106
01:04:05,079 --> 01:04:07,924
I need you to call the police

1107
01:04:07,948 --> 01:04:10,484
and give them that address.

1108
01:04:11,218 --> 01:04:12,929
<i>Ricky?</i>

1109
01:04:12,953 --> 01:04:15,599
I need you to tell them
to go to that address

1110
01:04:15,623 --> 01:04:18,602
and tell them that
they'll find a dead body.

1111
01:04:18,626 --> 01:04:20,327
<i>Ricky!</i>

1112
01:04:20,729 --> 01:04:22,640
<i>What happened? Are you okay?</i>

1113
01:04:22,664 --> 01:04:24,207
I'm fine.

1114
01:04:24,231 --> 01:04:26,910
I'm in my car my cellphone
battery is about to die.

1115
01:04:26,934 --> 01:04:31,081
I'm gonna have to stop and
grab a charger or something.

1116
01:04:31,105 --> 01:04:32,982
Just call the cops.

1117
01:04:33,006 --> 01:04:35,185
And I'll call you
back in a little while.

1118
01:04:35,209 --> 01:04:36,587
<i>Wait!</i>

1119
01:04:36,611 --> 01:04:37,811
I'll call you back.

1120
01:04:40,481 --> 01:04:42,316
I love you.

1121
01:06:09,102 --> 01:06:10,113
<i>Ricky!</i>

1122
01:06:10,137 --> 01:06:11,605
Yeah. Hey.

1123
01:06:12,306 --> 01:06:14,441
<i>Are you okay?</i>

1124
01:06:14,809 --> 01:06:16,787
Yeah, I guess so.

1125
01:06:16,811 --> 01:06:19,413
Good as I can be, you know, I...

1126
01:06:19,547 --> 01:06:21,559
stopped and got a
phone charger for the car.

1127
01:06:21,583 --> 01:06:26,129
So I should be good for the
night or... whenever I stop.

1128
01:06:26,153 --> 01:06:28,488
<i>Where are you?</i>

1129
01:06:28,923 --> 01:06:31,525
Um, on the highway,
heading west.

1130
01:06:32,125 --> 01:06:33,895
Or to California.

1131
01:06:34,729 --> 01:06:36,663
<i>What happened?</i>

1132
01:06:37,197 --> 01:06:40,400
Did you call the police
and tell them where to go?

1133
01:06:40,835 --> 01:06:44,113
<i>Yeah. But... I don't know
what they're gonna do.</i>

1134
01:06:44,137 --> 01:06:45,549
<i>They didn't seem really helpful</i>

1135
01:06:45,573 --> 01:06:48,341
<i>since I told them
it was in Tucson.</i>

1136
01:06:50,545 --> 01:06:52,823
You called the
Washington Police?

1137
01:06:52,847 --> 01:06:55,649
<i>It... Yeah.</i>

1138
01:06:58,553 --> 01:07:02,833
Um... that's okay.
They'll figure it out.

1139
01:07:02,857 --> 01:07:06,102
<i>Ricky... what exactly happened?</i>

1140
01:07:06,126 --> 01:07:09,507
<i>I haven't heard from
you in so long. Please.</i>

1141
01:07:09,531 --> 01:07:11,698
<i>Tell me what happened!</i>

1142
01:07:11,933 --> 01:07:16,780
I... after I left Washington,

1143
01:07:16,804 --> 01:07:18,873
after I left you,

1144
01:07:19,774 --> 01:07:23,610
I... I started to
look for my mom.

1145
01:07:24,278 --> 01:07:25,980
<i>Oh, Ricky.</i>

1146
01:07:26,614 --> 01:07:27,992
Yeah.

1147
01:07:28,016 --> 01:07:30,861
I... I just had
to, you know I...

1148
01:07:30,885 --> 01:07:33,687
I couldn't run
from it any longer.

1149
01:07:35,790 --> 01:07:39,526
Someone had to do something.

1150
01:07:39,661 --> 01:07:42,472
Someone had to
put an end to it all.

1151
01:07:42,496 --> 01:07:44,440
The lies, the abuse, mom.

1152
01:07:44,464 --> 01:07:45,776
The whole damn thing!

1153
01:07:45,800 --> 01:07:48,301
A little fucking justice!

1154
01:07:48,703 --> 01:07:50,705
I had to find her.

1155
01:07:50,939 --> 01:07:53,249
Cut off the head of the snake.

1156
01:07:53,273 --> 01:07:56,754
Berg always wanted
me to be the Messiah.

1157
01:07:56,778 --> 01:07:58,388
Guess I found by mission,

1158
01:07:58,412 --> 01:08:01,414
it just wasn't exactly
what he had in mind.

1159
01:08:01,516 --> 01:08:03,861
I mean, I don't know
what that makes me.

1160
01:08:03,885 --> 01:08:06,053
I mean, I never have...

1161
01:08:09,389 --> 01:08:13,861
I came to Arizona because my
grandma and grandpa are here.

1162
01:08:13,928 --> 01:08:16,774
I knew that it was the
only place that my mom

1163
01:08:16,798 --> 01:08:18,676
had ties to in the States.

1164
01:08:18,700 --> 01:08:20,243
I knew it was the only place

1165
01:08:20,267 --> 01:08:22,870
that she would
regularly return to.

1166
01:08:23,905 --> 01:08:25,849
<i>Did you find her?</i>

1167
01:08:25,873 --> 01:08:27,317
I waited.

1168
01:08:27,341 --> 01:08:29,687
I followed up on
whatever leads I could get.

1169
01:08:29,711 --> 01:08:31,454
She's so damn secretive.

1170
01:08:31,478 --> 01:08:34,592
You know, I don't understand
how she can just disappear

1171
01:08:34,616 --> 01:08:36,527
and become invisible.

1172
01:08:36,551 --> 01:08:38,662
I mean, how can
that kind of monster

1173
01:08:38,686 --> 01:08:42,857
just walk the Earth
so anonymously?

1174
01:08:43,357 --> 01:08:45,793
<i>I know.</i>

1175
01:08:46,527 --> 01:08:48,062
So I waited.

1176
01:08:48,663 --> 01:08:53,968
I waited, and finally... I heard
she was gonna come back.

1177
01:08:54,102 --> 01:08:57,504
They were gonna have
a gathering for the elders.

1178
01:08:57,805 --> 01:08:59,841
A fucking party!

1179
01:09:00,074 --> 01:09:01,652
I thought it would be perfect.

1180
01:09:01,676 --> 01:09:03,587
I could get mom and
every other fucker

1181
01:09:03,611 --> 01:09:07,647
responsible for all this
shit in one fell swoop.

1182
01:09:08,583 --> 01:09:10,694
At one point I realized that

1183
01:09:10,718 --> 01:09:13,731
maybe just taking care of
mom wouldn't be enough.

1184
01:09:13,755 --> 01:09:16,366
I mean, the Family
survived after Berg died.

1185
01:09:16,390 --> 01:09:19,060
Fuck, it'll survive
after my mom.

1186
01:09:19,727 --> 01:09:21,270
I was wrong.

1187
01:09:21,294 --> 01:09:23,764
I can't just cut off
the head of the snake.

1188
01:09:24,065 --> 01:09:26,977
The whole fucking thing
needs to be burned down.

1189
01:09:27,001 --> 01:09:31,005
That's the only way
that this will all stop!

1190
01:09:32,640 --> 01:09:34,641
<i>I'm sorry.</i>

1191
01:09:35,308 --> 01:09:36,643
No, don't.

1192
01:09:37,344 --> 01:09:38,454
Don't apologize.

1193
01:09:38,478 --> 01:09:41,381
You have nothing
to apologize for.

1194
01:09:41,616 --> 01:09:45,552
We shouldn't have to apologize
for what's been done to us.

1195
01:09:49,957 --> 01:09:51,691
So, um...

1196
01:09:51,959 --> 01:09:56,696
I... while I was trying
to find my mom, I...

1197
01:09:57,197 --> 01:10:00,134
got in contact with
one of my old nannies.

1198
01:10:00,333 --> 01:10:03,738
- Susan Cotton.
- <i>Oh God.</i>

1199
01:10:04,505 --> 01:10:08,675
Yeah, or... whatever
name she's going by now.

1200
01:10:08,876 --> 01:10:12,646
That's one reason why it's so
hard to track these people down.

1201
01:10:13,246 --> 01:10:18,819
Anyway, as fucked up
as it is, it was perfect.

1202
01:10:19,053 --> 01:10:22,499
My mom only communicated
with a couple handlers.

1203
01:10:22,523 --> 01:10:24,968
And son of a bitch,
Susan was one of 'em.

1204
01:10:24,992 --> 01:10:28,505
Hell, I even heard that she
was my mom's number one.

1205
01:10:28,529 --> 01:10:30,664
Her eyes and ears.

1206
01:10:30,898 --> 01:10:34,068
For what she did to me, I
guess it only makes sense.

1207
01:10:34,367 --> 01:10:36,804
She was my ticket.

1208
01:10:40,307 --> 01:10:41,842
<i>Ricky?</i>

1209
01:10:42,409 --> 01:10:43,811
<i>Talk to me.</i>

1210
01:10:47,982 --> 01:10:51,451
Don't ever let anyone tell you
that killing someone is easy.

1211
01:10:53,521 --> 01:10:55,189
It's not.

1212
01:10:56,624 --> 01:11:01,528
It's the hardest thing
I've ever done in my life.

1213
01:11:03,330 --> 01:11:05,075
All of this bullshit

1214
01:11:05,099 --> 01:11:08,779
that's been building up
inside of me since I was a kid,

1215
01:11:08,803 --> 01:11:10,914
there was just no
more room for it.

1216
01:11:10,938 --> 01:11:13,640
It all just came out at once.

1217
01:11:14,509 --> 01:11:16,319
<i>What happened?</i>

1218
01:11:16,343 --> 01:11:18,645
No, I... I shouldn't, it's...

1219
01:11:19,147 --> 01:11:21,658
It's stupid to put this on you.

1220
01:11:21,682 --> 01:11:23,818
<i>I need to know.</i>

1221
01:11:27,855 --> 01:11:33,626
Um... I met with Sue
tonight for dinner.

1222
01:11:33,995 --> 01:11:36,472
I couldn't eat anything
sitting across from her,

1223
01:11:36,496 --> 01:11:40,844
but she had no problem.
Made me wanna puke.

1224
01:11:40,868 --> 01:11:42,136
<i>Ricky.</i>

1225
01:11:42,502 --> 01:11:46,483
So, we went back
to my apartment,

1226
01:11:46,507 --> 01:11:49,686
'cause I wanted to get whatever
information I could out of her.

1227
01:11:49,710 --> 01:11:51,678
To get mom.

1228
01:11:52,180 --> 01:11:54,749
And she started
talking about, um...

1229
01:11:55,016 --> 01:11:58,152
She started talking
about my sister, Merry.

1230
01:11:58,318 --> 01:11:59,920
<i>Oh no.</i>

1231
01:12:00,555 --> 01:12:04,768
You know how bad The
Family fucked up her life.

1232
01:12:04,792 --> 01:12:06,537
<i>Yeah.</i>

1233
01:12:06,561 --> 01:12:10,107
She started saying all this
shit about how messed up she is

1234
01:12:10,131 --> 01:12:11,842
and how it's her fault

1235
01:12:11,866 --> 01:12:14,778
that she can't move on
and all this other bullshit.

1236
01:12:14,802 --> 01:12:17,481
I... I... I... I just lost it!

1237
01:12:17,505 --> 01:12:19,616
I mean, for all
that they've done.

1238
01:12:19,640 --> 01:12:21,985
They just don't...

1239
01:12:22,009 --> 01:12:23,587
<i>They don't get it.</i>

1240
01:12:23,611 --> 01:12:26,679
Right! They don't
fucking get it.

1241
01:12:27,181 --> 01:12:29,458
I mean, the entire
time that Susan

1242
01:12:29,482 --> 01:12:32,395
was lying on the floor bleeding
she was looking up at me

1243
01:12:32,419 --> 01:12:35,056
like she didn't understand!

1244
01:12:35,455 --> 01:12:38,025
How doesn't she know?

1245
01:12:38,259 --> 01:12:41,004
They did what they wanted,
they ruined people's lives,

1246
01:12:41,028 --> 01:12:44,965
and they refuse to take
any fucking responsibility!

1247
01:12:46,033 --> 01:12:48,869
I just want them to
admit what they did.

1248
01:12:49,070 --> 01:12:50,681
That they were wrong.

1249
01:12:50,705 --> 01:12:53,016
I wanted Sue to
understand, but she didn't.

1250
01:12:53,040 --> 01:12:56,944
She died confused,
like I was the bad guy.

1251
01:12:57,745 --> 01:13:00,181
<i>You're not.</i>

1252
01:13:01,582 --> 01:13:03,650
I thought killing Susan would...

1253
01:13:04,151 --> 01:13:08,756
I thought it would make
me feel better, but it didn't.

1254
01:13:09,991 --> 01:13:14,295
It's so hard, she...
she didn't understand.

1255
01:13:16,764 --> 01:13:19,166
I, um...

1256
01:13:19,667 --> 01:13:21,578
I wanted to get to
my mom tonight,

1257
01:13:21,602 --> 01:13:23,947
but I'm just so exhausted.

1258
01:13:23,971 --> 01:13:27,217
I... I... I just wanna
stop thinking.

1259
01:13:27,241 --> 01:13:28,952
<i>Just come home.</i>

1260
01:13:28,976 --> 01:13:30,687
I can't.

1261
01:13:30,711 --> 01:13:32,146
<i>Please.</i>

1262
01:13:35,816 --> 01:13:37,384
I can't.

1263
01:13:37,618 --> 01:13:43,757
I'm so tired. I've been
up for two days, I...

1264
01:13:45,159 --> 01:13:46,637
I need to stop.

1265
01:13:46,661 --> 01:13:48,538
Um... yeah.

1266
01:13:48,562 --> 01:13:49,840
I can't do this anymore.

1267
01:13:49,864 --> 01:13:53,167
I... I... I'm so exhausted.

1268
01:13:53,801 --> 01:13:57,581
There's a rest stop.
I'm gonna pull off.

1269
01:13:57,605 --> 01:13:59,616
<i>Wait, don't go!</i>

1270
01:13:59,640 --> 01:14:01,041
I love you.

1271
01:14:02,410 --> 01:14:03,720
I have to go.

1272
01:14:03,744 --> 01:14:05,212
<i>Ricky!</i>

1273
01:15:13,214 --> 01:15:14,925
<i>Oh my God, Ricky!</i>

1274
01:15:14,949 --> 01:15:16,660
<i>Are you okay?</i>

1275
01:15:16,684 --> 01:15:18,986
Um, yeah... I'm fine.

1276
01:15:20,254 --> 01:15:22,256
<i>Please, Ricky.</i>

1277
01:15:24,125 --> 01:15:26,493
I need to do this.

1278
01:15:27,628 --> 01:15:29,940
After everything I've done,

1279
01:15:29,964 --> 01:15:31,975
everything that's
been done to me,

1280
01:15:31,999 --> 01:15:34,935
it's... it's... it's the
last thing to do.

1281
01:15:35,703 --> 01:15:37,338
I thought I would just...

1282
01:15:37,538 --> 01:15:40,874
pull off the road to this
rest stop here, but um...

1283
01:15:43,277 --> 01:15:45,746
This place is too bright.

1284
01:15:47,748 --> 01:15:51,028
There's too much light,
I... I don't feel comfortable.

1285
01:15:51,052 --> 01:15:53,220
I don't want to die here.

1286
01:15:53,554 --> 01:15:58,259
<i>I love you... so much.</i>

1287
01:15:59,060 --> 01:16:02,830
<i>I know how hard
everything has been on you.</i>

1288
01:16:04,331 --> 01:16:06,743
<i>I wish you didn't leave.</i>

1289
01:16:06,767 --> 01:16:08,502
I know, it's just...

1290
01:16:10,071 --> 01:16:12,616
There were so many other people

1291
01:16:12,640 --> 01:16:15,075
that got out who
reached out to me.

1292
01:16:15,309 --> 01:16:18,989
So many, even more
on the message boards.

1293
01:16:19,013 --> 01:16:22,082
I just felt this... this burden.

1294
01:16:26,153 --> 01:16:29,490
They still saw me as a leader.

1295
01:16:30,024 --> 01:16:32,903
All that bullshit that
my dad spewed, I...

1296
01:16:32,927 --> 01:16:35,062
I guess some of it stuck.

1297
01:16:36,063 --> 01:16:38,408
I just couldn't do
nothing anymore.

1298
01:16:38,432 --> 01:16:42,369
We need justice and no
one else is gonna give it to us.

1299
01:16:42,736 --> 01:16:46,383
<i>You feel guilty because
you survived all that.</i>

1300
01:16:46,407 --> 01:16:50,010
<i>No! I feel it, too.</i>

1301
01:16:50,044 --> 01:16:52,789
<i>We got through so much together</i>

1302
01:16:52,813 --> 01:16:56,116
<i>and I need you
to get through this.</i>

1303
01:16:58,219 --> 01:17:00,054
You'll be okay.

1304
01:17:01,088 --> 01:17:05,025
You've always been
more adaptive than me.

1305
01:17:06,393 --> 01:17:10,197
The longer I stayed, the
longer I'd be dragging you down.

1306
01:17:11,432 --> 01:17:15,235
You have so much ahead of you.

1307
01:17:18,739 --> 01:17:20,307
I'm sorry I...

1308
01:17:20,542 --> 01:17:23,186
I'm sorry I failed
you as a husband.

1309
01:17:23,210 --> 01:17:25,846
<i>That's not true.</i>

1310
01:17:26,313 --> 01:17:30,417
You shined so bright, but
I brought too much pain.

1311
01:17:31,318 --> 01:17:34,188
This was all just
a matter of time.

1312
01:17:38,359 --> 01:17:41,495
<i>You were always the
stronger one between us.</i>

1313
01:17:44,498 --> 01:17:48,411
<i>When we finally left The Family,
everything was such a struggle,</i>

1314
01:17:48,435 --> 01:17:51,505
<i>but you were so strong.</i>

1315
01:17:53,741 --> 01:17:56,310
<i>Remember that first year out?</i>

1316
01:17:58,045 --> 01:18:01,091
<i>We had no idea how
the real world worked.</i>

1317
01:18:01,115 --> 01:18:02,792
<i>We couldn't get interviews,</i>

1318
01:18:02,816 --> 01:18:05,085
<i>because we didn't
know what a resume was.</i>

1319
01:18:07,922 --> 01:18:10,023
<i>And the apartment.</i>

1320
01:18:10,191 --> 01:18:12,269
<i>We were so proud
until we moved in</i>

1321
01:18:12,293 --> 01:18:16,530
<i>and we couldn't understand
why there wasn't any furniture.</i>

1322
01:18:17,998 --> 01:18:20,401
<i>How could we know it
didn't come with any?</i>

1323
01:18:22,336 --> 01:18:25,639
Not to mention it was
the shadiest part of town.

1324
01:18:25,739 --> 01:18:28,609
We're lucky we
made it out alive.

1325
01:18:30,911 --> 01:18:33,914
Keep telling me nice stories.

1326
01:18:38,520 --> 01:18:40,521
<i>I remember...</i>

1327
01:18:40,888 --> 01:18:42,999
<i>I remember the
first time I saw you</i>

1328
01:18:43,023 --> 01:18:45,302
<i>when you moved into
the house in Budapest.</i>

1329
01:18:45,326 --> 01:18:47,904
<i>There was a bunch
of us living there,</i>

1330
01:18:47,928 --> 01:18:51,198
<i>and everyone was
falling all over you.</i>

1331
01:18:51,265 --> 01:18:53,967
<i>You were a celebrity to us.</i>

1332
01:18:55,236 --> 01:18:59,216
<i>But I saw that
look on your face.</i>

1333
01:18:59,240 --> 01:19:02,252
<i>You didn't want to be
Davidito, the Second Coming.</i>

1334
01:19:02,276 --> 01:19:05,078
<i>You just wanted to be Ricky.</i>

1335
01:19:06,880 --> 01:19:09,493
<i>It's probably a good
thing I was so shy.</i>

1336
01:19:09,517 --> 01:19:12,553
<i>Probably would have
been like everyone else.</i>

1337
01:19:13,487 --> 01:19:15,456
<i>But I saw you.</i>

1338
01:19:17,358 --> 01:19:22,162
<i>It took me so long just to
talk to you for the first time.</i>

1339
01:19:22,564 --> 01:19:26,066
<i>Took so much nerve just
to say that lunch was ready.</i>

1340
01:19:28,269 --> 01:19:31,047
<i>Then that night you asked
me to come to your room,</i>

1341
01:19:31,071 --> 01:19:35,108
<i>and my chest felt
like it was in a vice</i>

1342
01:19:36,210 --> 01:19:38,445
<i>and I couldn't breathe.</i>

1343
01:19:42,349 --> 01:19:45,185
<i>But then you were so nice.</i>

1344
01:19:46,588 --> 01:19:48,298
<i>I can't believe how shy you were</i>

1345
01:19:48,322 --> 01:19:51,158
<i>for all the attention
that you always got.</i>

1346
01:19:53,528 --> 01:19:56,530
<i>And we stayed
up all night, and...</i>

1347
01:19:57,898 --> 01:20:00,000
<i>you taught me some card games.</i>

1348
01:20:02,269 --> 01:20:06,173
<i>And we just talked, and
suddenly it was morning.</i>

1349
01:20:07,575 --> 01:20:10,677
<i>It was one of the
best nights of my life.</i>

1350
01:20:13,447 --> 01:20:15,048
Me, too.

1351
01:20:17,117 --> 01:20:19,296
<i>And you topped it
off by sneaking a rose</i>

1352
01:20:19,320 --> 01:20:21,655
<i>into my pillow the next day.</i>

1353
01:20:24,626 --> 01:20:27,327
I miss you <i>so</i> much.

1354
01:20:29,196 --> 01:20:31,231
<i>I love you.</i>

1355
01:20:33,267 --> 01:20:37,104
All I ever wanted in this
world was to be loved.

1356
01:20:38,673 --> 01:20:40,984
<i>Ricky.</i>

1357
01:20:41,008 --> 01:20:42,018
Come die with me.

1358
01:20:42,042 --> 01:20:43,987
<i>Ricky!</i>

1359
01:20:44,011 --> 01:20:46,557
I'm so scared to die,

1360
01:20:46,581 --> 01:20:49,059
but it's the only thing
that makes sense.

1361
01:20:49,083 --> 01:20:52,386
I can't stand another
day on this Earth.

1362
01:20:54,321 --> 01:20:57,725
What do you think
happens after you die?

1363
01:20:58,092 --> 01:21:01,295
<i>I don't...</i>

1364
01:21:04,532 --> 01:21:06,700
<i>I believe in angels.</i>

1365
01:21:09,002 --> 01:21:10,738
<i>After you die</i>

1366
01:21:11,372 --> 01:21:13,484
<i>those angels are
going to bring you</i>

1367
01:21:13,508 --> 01:21:15,553
<i>a feeling of love</i>

1368
01:21:15,577 --> 01:21:18,579
<i>that you've never
experienced before.</i>

1369
01:21:21,482 --> 01:21:23,250
I like that.

1370
01:21:30,090 --> 01:21:31,759
I need to get going.

1371
01:21:32,092 --> 01:21:34,695
I don't wanna die here. I...

1372
01:21:36,130 --> 01:21:39,867
I wish you could be here
with me when it happens.

1373
01:21:42,069 --> 01:21:44,237
- <i>I...</i>
- I know.

1374
01:21:45,439 --> 01:21:47,474
I'm <i>so</i> sorry.

1375
01:21:49,711 --> 01:21:52,245
Baby, I love you so much. I...

1376
01:21:53,715 --> 01:21:56,226
I just want you to be happy.

1377
01:21:56,250 --> 01:21:58,218
<i>I love you.</i>