1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:10,543 --> 00:00:13,146 (gentle music) 4 00:00:19,786 --> 00:00:20,620 - My knob. 5 00:00:21,454 --> 00:00:22,655 - Uh. 6 00:00:22,655 --> 00:00:23,857 - Doesn't have a name. - Could be cock. 7 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:24,824 - Cock. - Cock. 8 00:00:24,824 --> 00:00:26,126 - Cock. 9 00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:27,093 - Can't remember what I call him on Grindr. 10 00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:28,762 - Probably penis, maybe dick. 11 00:00:28,762 --> 00:00:30,030 - Probably just dick. 12 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,097 - My dick. - My dick. 13 00:00:31,097 --> 00:00:32,098 - Dick. - Dick. 14 00:00:32,098 --> 00:00:33,400 - Dick. - It's mainly dick. 15 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:35,735 - The one that weirds me out the most is willy 16 00:00:35,735 --> 00:00:37,971 over the age of childhood. 17 00:00:37,971 --> 00:00:40,507 - There's not many hot sexy words for penis. 18 00:00:40,507 --> 00:00:42,942 (rock music) 19 00:00:46,413 --> 00:00:50,850 (gentle music) (water bubbling) 20 00:00:50,850 --> 00:00:52,619 - See, you've got this squishy piece of meat 21 00:00:52,619 --> 00:00:55,822 between your legs, and it's the center of pleasure, 22 00:00:55,822 --> 00:00:57,891 and it's this symbol of masculinity 23 00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,893 and of who you are as a man. 24 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:03,663 There's all these attachments of power, of insecurity, 25 00:01:03,663 --> 00:01:05,265 and it's physically right at the center of you, 26 00:01:05,265 --> 00:01:09,002 and in so many ways at the center of who you are as a man. 27 00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:11,738 It's a lot for this little squishy thing. 28 00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:14,674 Or for this squishy thing. (laughing) 29 00:01:16,643 --> 00:01:17,811 - Every penis is different. 30 00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:19,145 And not all penises are straight. 31 00:01:19,145 --> 00:01:20,413 Some of them bend, some of them tilt upwards. 32 00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:22,382 Some of them are kind of thick at one end. 33 00:01:22,382 --> 00:01:24,784 Like, they're all very different. 34 00:01:24,784 --> 00:01:28,087 - It's quite fun to kind of make it do the helicopter thing. 35 00:01:29,789 --> 00:01:33,893 I've yet to take off, but, it kind of... (tongue clicking) 36 00:01:33,893 --> 00:01:36,463 (water dripping) 37 00:01:36,463 --> 00:01:38,932 - [Participant] Having a knob, at times, can be annoying. 38 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:39,899 - [Participant] I'm always crossing my legs, 39 00:01:39,899 --> 00:01:41,134 'cause it's comfortable. 40 00:01:41,134 --> 00:01:43,136 I always think where do I put my dick? 41 00:01:43,136 --> 00:01:45,004 Should I put it underneath or do I put it on top? 42 00:01:45,004 --> 00:01:48,575 - [Participant] I find that it's got a mind of its own. 43 00:01:48,575 --> 00:01:50,210 It'll be awake when I'm tired. 44 00:01:50,210 --> 00:01:53,012 It'll be awake all the time, actually. 45 00:01:53,012 --> 00:01:55,748 - I actually think that my dick is boss. 46 00:01:55,748 --> 00:01:57,350 You know, days where I need to get stuff done, 47 00:01:57,350 --> 00:01:59,619 and I'm just like so horny I can't concentrate, 48 00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:01,688 I actually think my dick is in control. 49 00:02:01,688 --> 00:02:04,290 (gentle music) 50 00:02:05,892 --> 00:02:08,461 - [Ajamu] My name's Ajamu, and I'm an artist. 51 00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:13,967 I grew up in Huddersfield, surrounded by a macho culture. 52 00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:17,504 I was all set for a career in the army, 53 00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:21,107 but by 21 I had other plans. 54 00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:25,345 I became passionate about photography, 55 00:02:26,246 --> 00:02:27,580 and that was my way out. 56 00:02:28,581 --> 00:02:30,450 I wanted to fuck with the rules 57 00:02:32,352 --> 00:02:35,488 and create images of men I hadn't seen before. 58 00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:38,291 (gentle music) 59 00:02:38,291 --> 00:02:41,161 20 years ago, the police stopped this image 60 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,062 from being shown in a public gallery. 61 00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:46,065 It was considered too explicit. 62 00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:51,538 And I don't think we've moved on enough since then. 63 00:02:51,538 --> 00:02:53,940 Penises are still taboo, 64 00:02:53,940 --> 00:02:55,642 and I want to change that. 65 00:02:55,642 --> 00:02:56,576 Hold it right there. 66 00:02:56,576 --> 00:02:57,810 Do not move. 67 00:02:57,810 --> 00:02:59,312 Just close your eyes for me in this one. 68 00:02:59,312 --> 00:03:02,949 in this film man will talk openly about their penises 69 00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:06,586 and how it makes me feel about being a man. 70 00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,455 And I will be photographing some of them 71 00:03:09,455 --> 00:03:11,324 as they confront their own masculinity. 72 00:03:11,324 --> 00:03:13,226 (participant yelling) 73 00:03:13,226 --> 00:03:14,827 Through the portraits I will make, 74 00:03:14,827 --> 00:03:16,696 I want them to rethink the way 75 00:03:16,696 --> 00:03:19,632 they see their penises and themselves. 76 00:03:19,632 --> 00:03:22,769 - It feels powerful to be stood here, nude, naked, 77 00:03:22,769 --> 00:03:23,703 and I'm owning it. 78 00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:26,606 - [Ajamu] And challenge the taboo 79 00:03:26,606 --> 00:03:30,310 we still feel around the beauty and power of the erection. 80 00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:33,980 (water splashing) 81 00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:40,453 - I don't think there's a bloke out there 82 00:03:40,453 --> 00:03:42,188 who hasn't sneaked a look. 83 00:03:42,188 --> 00:03:43,489 But you can't ever be caught lookin'. 84 00:03:43,489 --> 00:03:44,857 That's not good, that. 85 00:03:44,857 --> 00:03:46,392 - Everyone can see what's going on down there, 86 00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:48,094 even if you don't directly look. 87 00:03:48,094 --> 00:03:50,330 I think boys are obsessed about size 88 00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:52,098 and who's got the biggest penis. 89 00:03:52,098 --> 00:03:53,967 (gentle music) 90 00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:55,368 - [Participant] I don't know if you can ever 91 00:03:55,368 --> 00:03:56,936 be actually truly happy with the size of your dick. 92 00:03:56,936 --> 00:03:58,938 I always felt like you want it to be a little bit bigger. 93 00:03:58,938 --> 00:04:00,740 - I used to worry about it when I was a teenager, 94 00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:03,176 'cause you just, everyone lies about the size of their dick. 95 00:04:03,176 --> 00:04:05,912 I'd be like maybe mine's tiny. 96 00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:07,146 Oh my god. 97 00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:07,947 - [Participant] I think it's difficult 98 00:04:07,947 --> 00:04:09,415 if you're a straight man 99 00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:10,817 when you only ever see other people's flaccid penises, 100 00:04:10,817 --> 00:04:13,052 because that's not when everyone's at their best. 101 00:04:13,052 --> 00:04:15,188 And actually even when it's sort of flaccid, 102 00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:17,257 it can sometimes be a bit smaller or larger, 103 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,192 depending, I suppose, on maybe atmospheric pressure 104 00:04:19,192 --> 00:04:20,793 or just vibes. 105 00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:23,696 - It's weird how weird we are about them. 106 00:04:23,696 --> 00:04:25,832 'Cause, you know, you can't get mad about your nose. 107 00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:27,066 'Cause I think there's so much 108 00:04:27,066 --> 00:04:29,168 of our self-worth is based around that. 109 00:04:29,168 --> 00:04:30,703 Like if somebody's acting out you'd be like, 110 00:04:30,703 --> 00:04:32,505 "Oh, he's got a tiny penis." 111 00:04:32,505 --> 00:04:33,539 It's like has he? 112 00:04:33,539 --> 00:04:34,974 Or is he just a a dickhead? 113 00:04:34,974 --> 00:04:37,443 - At school some people would get bullied for, 114 00:04:37,443 --> 00:04:39,178 "Oh, he's got a little dick, or he's got small..." 115 00:04:39,178 --> 00:04:40,780 Even if no one had seen it, 116 00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:43,850 it was just a really powerful way of emasculating someone. 117 00:04:43,850 --> 00:04:46,753 I think you then carry that into your adulthood, 118 00:04:46,753 --> 00:04:48,855 and you're still weighing yourself up against people 119 00:04:48,855 --> 00:04:50,657 for ridiculous reasons. 120 00:04:50,657 --> 00:04:51,924 - I can't understand people 121 00:04:51,924 --> 00:04:53,493 who aren't fine about the size of their penis, 122 00:04:53,493 --> 00:04:54,761 for god's sake. 123 00:04:54,761 --> 00:04:56,062 I was born with a penis, and that's it. 124 00:04:56,062 --> 00:04:57,363 I'm done. 125 00:04:57,363 --> 00:05:00,066 (gentle music) 126 00:05:01,934 --> 00:05:03,269 - [Participant] I think the first time I masturbated, 127 00:05:03,269 --> 00:05:06,005 I was probably around the age of about eight. 128 00:05:06,005 --> 00:05:09,175 - I was 10, 10. - 11, 12. 129 00:05:09,175 --> 00:05:11,978 - I reckon I were about 15. - 11 or so. 130 00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:12,979 - [Participant] I was three years old, 131 00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:14,414 three years old, three years old. 132 00:05:14,414 --> 00:05:16,215 Obviously not much happened. 133 00:05:16,215 --> 00:05:17,650 - I found some pornography that, 134 00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:20,453 I don't know whose it was, it was stashed in a bush, 135 00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:23,589 and in my head I remember it being French. 136 00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:28,027 I don't know how French pornography's ended up in a town, 137 00:05:28,027 --> 00:05:29,962 a park bush in Telford, but, 138 00:05:29,962 --> 00:05:35,034 and it was a brunette woman and she was sitting on a dildo. 139 00:05:36,302 --> 00:05:40,139 And that was like a go-to thing for for years. 140 00:05:40,139 --> 00:05:44,043 It's like imprinted into my mind's eye now. 141 00:05:44,043 --> 00:05:46,913 - I remember it very well, 'cause I drew blood. 142 00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:48,481 - I kinda hit it. (laughing) 143 00:05:48,481 --> 00:05:50,016 And I just kinda hit it side to side, 144 00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:52,018 and then something, it felt really nice after a while, 145 00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,786 and I thought that's how you did it for so long. 146 00:05:53,786 --> 00:05:56,055 - I came for the first time, although nothing came out, 147 00:05:56,055 --> 00:05:59,258 and I actually thought my dick was like on fire or burning. 148 00:05:59,258 --> 00:06:00,827 And I remember running out of my bedroom 149 00:06:00,827 --> 00:06:02,729 and running down the hall and running into the bathroom 150 00:06:02,729 --> 00:06:03,896 with my dick hanging out, 151 00:06:03,896 --> 00:06:05,631 and like putting it in the sink 152 00:06:05,631 --> 00:06:07,300 and running a cold tap on it. (laughing) 153 00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:08,935 - [Participant] I just remember this experience 154 00:06:08,935 --> 00:06:11,204 of this adrenaline just pumping around my body, 155 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:12,538 and I couldn't get enough of it. 156 00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:14,240 - [Participant] It sent tingles from my body, 157 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:15,708 and right down my legs and everything. 158 00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:16,976 And I thought- - I remember 159 00:06:16,976 --> 00:06:18,211 talking to a friend and just going, 160 00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:19,412 "If everybody masturbates, 161 00:06:19,412 --> 00:06:20,646 "why don't we just talk about it?" 162 00:06:20,646 --> 00:06:22,081 And he went, "Shh, don't say that." 163 00:06:22,081 --> 00:06:22,982 - [Participant] I got really into it for a while, 164 00:06:22,982 --> 00:06:23,950 like way too into it. 165 00:06:23,950 --> 00:06:25,384 Like I must have wanked- 166 00:06:25,384 --> 00:06:27,520 - [Participant] Like nothing else enters your mind. 167 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:28,621 - I didn't stop at one. 168 00:06:28,621 --> 00:06:30,123 I think I did it a few times, so. 169 00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:31,824 - That's like double check, triple check 170 00:06:31,824 --> 00:06:33,559 that it weren't a fucking one off. 171 00:06:36,028 --> 00:06:38,164 - Grew up in quite a religious household. 172 00:06:38,164 --> 00:06:39,699 I first masturbated probably when I 173 00:06:39,699 --> 00:06:41,968 was about maybe 11 or so. 174 00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:46,906 And for years masturbation for me felt 175 00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:50,309 like something that was wrong. 176 00:06:53,012 --> 00:06:57,383 - I grew up in quite conservative Muslim family in Bradford. 177 00:06:57,383 --> 00:06:58,785 We went on pilgrimage, 178 00:06:58,785 --> 00:07:01,387 and we were taken to mosque to learn to read Arabic 179 00:07:01,387 --> 00:07:02,989 and learn to read the Quran. 180 00:07:02,989 --> 00:07:04,690 That's shaped so much of who I am now 181 00:07:04,690 --> 00:07:07,593 and how I live my day-to-day life. 182 00:07:09,962 --> 00:07:12,899 Within my family, sex just did not exist. 183 00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:16,202 The closest I ever had was like the small like handbook 184 00:07:16,202 --> 00:07:17,904 I got given by my mum. 185 00:07:17,904 --> 00:07:21,741 It was like "A Young Muslim's Guide to Puberty" 186 00:07:21,741 --> 00:07:22,575 or something. 187 00:07:22,575 --> 00:07:23,776 And in there it was like 188 00:07:25,311 --> 00:07:28,014 something about masturbation and going to hell. 189 00:07:29,148 --> 00:07:32,218 So obviously when I was 13, 14, 15, 190 00:07:32,218 --> 00:07:35,021 and super randy, that became an issue. 191 00:07:35,021 --> 00:07:38,191 So to stop myself from ejaculating, which would, 192 00:07:38,191 --> 00:07:40,059 in my mind, kind of complete the wank 193 00:07:40,059 --> 00:07:42,128 and make it then like a full blown sin, 194 00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:45,164 I'd grip my penis really hard 195 00:07:45,164 --> 00:07:48,034 or just physically try and stop myself from ejaculating, 196 00:07:49,468 --> 00:07:53,506 which led to kind of physical scarring, physical damage. 197 00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:57,410 I have a lot of negative associations with it now. 198 00:07:57,410 --> 00:07:58,911 So it's a tricky thing. 199 00:07:58,911 --> 00:07:59,912 Which should just be pleasurable, 200 00:07:59,912 --> 00:08:02,048 which should just be so simple. 201 00:08:02,048 --> 00:08:04,016 And then sometimes there's still that guilt, 202 00:08:04,016 --> 00:08:08,087 or sometimes I hate how my dick looks 203 00:08:08,087 --> 00:08:09,488 or I don't wanna like touch it, 204 00:08:09,488 --> 00:08:11,858 or I don't like any of this. 205 00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:15,828 So, to masturbate would be to engage with that stuff. 206 00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:17,296 (gentle rhythmic music) 207 00:08:17,296 --> 00:08:19,265 - How you feeling? - It's all laid bare, 208 00:08:19,265 --> 00:08:20,333 isn't it? 209 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:21,500 There's nothing I can hide behind, 210 00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:24,337 no clothes, no airs and graces. 211 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,338 It's just me and my body. 212 00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,940 (gentle rhythmic music) 213 00:08:27,940 --> 00:08:28,875 - Bring this hand. 214 00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:31,644 Keep that there. 215 00:08:31,644 --> 00:08:34,013 Bring this hand around your face that way, right yeah. 216 00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:37,416 And then this pose comes out of like kind of Greek bodies. 217 00:08:37,416 --> 00:08:41,220 So then what you're doing now is to quell that thing- 218 00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:42,622 - Yeah. - That you're used to. 219 00:08:42,622 --> 00:08:44,023 Yeah? - Mm-hm. 220 00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:47,093 - Now will you turn your face back that way again. 221 00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:48,494 That's it. - I'm half voguing, 222 00:08:48,494 --> 00:08:50,263 half, okay, got it. 223 00:08:51,697 --> 00:08:52,498 (Ajamu snapping) 224 00:08:52,498 --> 00:08:53,900 - Go honey. (laughing) 225 00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:55,368 Yeah, that's it. 226 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,169 So then this is where we're gonna start 227 00:08:57,169 --> 00:08:58,371 playing around now, right, yeah? 228 00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:01,240 And look straight towards my camera. 229 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:02,608 Beautiful. 230 00:09:02,608 --> 00:09:05,978 (gentle rhythmic music) 231 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,549 (camera beeping) 232 00:09:10,549 --> 00:09:12,184 Beautiful. - Feeling strangely 233 00:09:12,184 --> 00:09:14,453 quite powerful, like it's weird, 234 00:09:14,453 --> 00:09:15,521 it's nice. 235 00:09:15,521 --> 00:09:18,557 - Weird and nice is a good mix. 236 00:09:20,693 --> 00:09:23,429 - (laughing) Gosh, it's my body. 237 00:09:23,429 --> 00:09:25,331 That's me, naked, ah. - That's your body. 238 00:09:25,331 --> 00:09:26,732 (Ajamu laughing) 239 00:09:26,732 --> 00:09:29,535 - My biggest fear is my body and how I feel about it, 240 00:09:29,535 --> 00:09:33,506 and here I am very naked in front of- 241 00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:35,575 (camera beeping) People. 242 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,043 (participant laughing) 243 00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:39,145 It doesn't get much scarier for me. 244 00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:42,548 (gentle music) 245 00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:44,817 - [Ajamu] I take portraits of dicks, 246 00:09:44,817 --> 00:09:47,586 because dicks have their own stories to tell, 247 00:09:47,586 --> 00:09:48,955 but are still censored. 248 00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:54,293 Lots of countries actually celebrate the penis 249 00:09:54,293 --> 00:09:58,130 in terms of its fertility, aliveness. 250 00:09:58,130 --> 00:10:02,368 And in this country the dick is still seen as pornographic, 251 00:10:02,368 --> 00:10:07,340 and my work is there to reclaim the dick from that space. 252 00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:11,777 By keeping the erection so taboo, 253 00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:13,946 we don't allow men to be vulnerable. 254 00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:17,183 - I personally think it's really important for us to like 255 00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:19,051 just see more erect penises in our lives. 256 00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:20,019 Not for a sex thing. 257 00:10:20,019 --> 00:10:20,920 Just to normalize 'em, 258 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:22,455 to make them less panicky. 259 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,323 Because, I think if you're a straight man, specifically, 260 00:10:24,323 --> 00:10:26,392 you don't see enough of them. 261 00:10:26,392 --> 00:10:28,027 - Hold it right there. 262 00:10:28,027 --> 00:10:29,295 - [Participant] I don't know why in society 263 00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:31,697 we've seemed to have shamed the erection. 264 00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:33,899 It doesn't make much sense to me. 265 00:10:33,899 --> 00:10:35,668 We're prudes, I think, in Britain, 266 00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:38,938 - Right there. - Without an erect penis 267 00:10:38,938 --> 00:10:40,539 we wouldn't have life, 268 00:10:40,539 --> 00:10:42,041 so there is a certain power to it, 269 00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:45,845 but it's a power that isn't just like a physical power. 270 00:10:45,845 --> 00:10:48,681 It's also, it's all connected. 271 00:10:48,681 --> 00:10:49,582 It's strong. 272 00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:51,417 It is being masculine. 273 00:10:51,417 --> 00:10:52,818 (camera beeping) - Sit pose 274 00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:55,321 and throw your head back slightly. 275 00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:56,722 - It's their physical manifestation, 276 00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:58,691 they're quite aggressive, 'cause like they're big 277 00:10:58,691 --> 00:11:00,459 and they're hard and they're angry. 278 00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:02,728 But I think it's also sort of tied between the sexual act 279 00:11:02,728 --> 00:11:04,864 in that that becomes quite aggressive, 280 00:11:04,864 --> 00:11:07,199 and it can be 281 00:11:09,201 --> 00:11:11,303 kind of physically intimidating. 282 00:11:11,303 --> 00:11:14,940 - How are you feeling? - Serene. (laughing) 283 00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:17,610 I think hiding the male erection 284 00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:20,546 and making it this taboo thing gives it more power 285 00:11:21,547 --> 00:11:23,215 than maybe it deserves, 286 00:11:23,215 --> 00:11:25,718 because it's pretty ordinary (laughing) actually. 287 00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:29,155 (jazzy music) 288 00:11:29,155 --> 00:11:31,824 - I'm really excited about doing this next shot. 289 00:11:31,824 --> 00:11:36,495 The idea is around naturalness of fertility, flower, fauna. 290 00:11:36,495 --> 00:11:39,065 A dick is kind of a central part of nature. 291 00:11:39,065 --> 00:11:40,666 - Yeah, I think it removes all the kind of 292 00:11:40,666 --> 00:11:44,637 cosmetic attachments we have to the penis 293 00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:46,405 and brings it back to the organ. 294 00:11:47,573 --> 00:11:48,874 So yeah, I think it's a, a beautiful way 295 00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:52,812 to frame it. (both laughing) 296 00:11:56,415 --> 00:11:57,917 The reason I wanted to do this shoot, actually, 297 00:11:57,917 --> 00:12:00,853 was because I don't want there to be a taboo 298 00:12:00,853 --> 00:12:02,188 around the erection. 299 00:12:02,188 --> 00:12:05,558 It's something that we all experience. 300 00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:08,694 And so for me to openly explore that, 301 00:12:08,694 --> 00:12:11,163 in an artistic way as well, is amazing. 302 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,803 - A flaccid willy is a bit of a ball-ache, to be honest. 303 00:12:17,803 --> 00:12:21,874 But as for when it's hard, fucking hell, sometimes it hurts. 304 00:12:21,874 --> 00:12:24,677 - I know from a biological point of view it's blood flow 305 00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:26,679 and it's two chambers filling with a lot of blood, 306 00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:27,880 so then whenever... 307 00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:28,814 I remember learning that thinking, 308 00:12:28,814 --> 00:12:29,682 am I gonna get lightheaded? 309 00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:30,716 What's gonna happen? 310 00:12:32,151 --> 00:12:34,553 - I can definitely have an erection when it's not sexual. 311 00:12:34,553 --> 00:12:35,754 I can wake up in the morning, 312 00:12:35,754 --> 00:12:38,157 and it's like bang, it's up, and, 313 00:12:38,157 --> 00:12:39,859 I don't particularly feel sexual. 314 00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:42,495 - [Participant] It's a sign of good health. 315 00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:43,562 It means your blood's flowing around your body, 316 00:12:43,562 --> 00:12:44,396 waking you up. 317 00:12:44,396 --> 00:12:45,798 That's what... 318 00:12:45,798 --> 00:12:47,199 That's the reality of being a man. 319 00:12:47,199 --> 00:12:49,034 You just wake up every day with a hard on. 320 00:12:49,034 --> 00:12:51,804 - I think the most awkward ones for me are kind of 321 00:12:51,804 --> 00:12:53,839 would happen when I'm driving. 322 00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:55,407 I don't know if it's like the rumble of the road 323 00:12:55,407 --> 00:12:57,810 on the kind of, (clapping) you know, your balls 324 00:12:57,810 --> 00:12:59,478 as you're hitting the, as you're on the seat. 325 00:12:59,478 --> 00:13:02,114 - And you sort of go, how did that speed bump 326 00:13:02,114 --> 00:13:03,749 give me an erection? 327 00:13:03,749 --> 00:13:05,751 - [Participant] I used to always get one in geography class. 328 00:13:05,751 --> 00:13:08,387 There's nothing to do with geography. 329 00:13:08,387 --> 00:13:09,655 - A lot of it is mental. 330 00:13:09,655 --> 00:13:12,591 I could see a text come through from a client 331 00:13:12,591 --> 00:13:14,426 who I'm really attracted to, 332 00:13:14,426 --> 00:13:16,529 my dick would instantly get hard. 333 00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:18,798 - For me personally, if I'm walking down the street 334 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,667 and suddenly I get a boner, I just go, I feel good. 335 00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:22,835 I'm charged. 336 00:13:22,835 --> 00:13:24,136 I've got some sexual energy there. 337 00:13:24,136 --> 00:13:25,304 I'm not trying to force this on anyone. 338 00:13:25,304 --> 00:13:26,672 I'm not trying to show it to anyone. 339 00:13:26,672 --> 00:13:29,208 So yeah, there's a level of sort of pride, really, 340 00:13:29,208 --> 00:13:32,344 to have that organ wake up. 341 00:13:32,344 --> 00:13:35,247 (water splashing) 342 00:13:37,082 --> 00:13:38,717 - It's like another bit of your body all of a sudden. 343 00:13:38,717 --> 00:13:41,120 See it's a hard thing, you know, 344 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:41,921 just like- - Physically I 345 00:13:41,921 --> 00:13:43,489 become very hot. 346 00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:45,124 My body- - It's thrilling. 347 00:13:45,124 --> 00:13:46,559 You know, it feels good. 348 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,994 You start to release these endorphins in your brain. 349 00:13:48,994 --> 00:13:50,329 - [Participant] It's going into your loins, 350 00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:51,797 and you can't concentrate. 351 00:13:51,797 --> 00:13:54,033 - [Participant] (indistinct) Like a tingle. 352 00:13:54,033 --> 00:13:55,401 - [Participant] There's this rush of blood, 353 00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:56,936 that's what it seems- - It's not itchy. 354 00:13:56,936 --> 00:13:58,604 (indistinct) 355 00:13:58,604 --> 00:13:59,972 - [Participant] It's pretty much all you can think about. 356 00:13:59,972 --> 00:14:00,906 - [Participant] And you go into more of 357 00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:01,807 an animalistic state of mind. 358 00:14:01,807 --> 00:14:03,008 (indistinct) 359 00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:04,510 - [Participant] Release a little bit of- 360 00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:05,845 (indistinct) 361 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:06,679 - [Participant] Driving. 362 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:07,947 (indistinct) 363 00:14:07,947 --> 00:14:09,081 - [Participant] Yeah, it's like another limb. 364 00:14:09,081 --> 00:14:11,550 (man moaning) 365 00:14:13,319 --> 00:14:15,821 - And then you need to do something about it. 366 00:14:16,755 --> 00:14:19,491 (gentle music) 367 00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:24,363 - Some of my most embarrassing moments in my life 368 00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:28,767 would be times when it's failed me. (laughing) 369 00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:32,471 This is a thing that I want to be proud of, 370 00:14:32,471 --> 00:14:33,806 that I wanna use properly, 371 00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:37,076 that I want to pleasure a woman with, 372 00:14:37,076 --> 00:14:40,079 and sometimes that pressure has meant 373 00:14:40,079 --> 00:14:41,814 I haven't been able to get a boner, 374 00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:44,683 and instantly then you're in this psychological battle 375 00:14:44,683 --> 00:14:47,453 where you think, she's gonna feel bad about herself, 376 00:14:47,453 --> 00:14:49,555 at the same time I'm feeling bad about myself. 377 00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:52,157 And if that happens once, it can happen twice, 378 00:14:52,157 --> 00:14:53,759 it can turn into like this cycle. 379 00:14:53,759 --> 00:14:56,128 So, if you put too much pressure on yourself, 380 00:14:56,128 --> 00:14:58,797 if you think this thing is always gonna bring you 381 00:14:58,797 --> 00:15:00,466 glory and joy and ecstasy, 382 00:15:00,466 --> 00:15:04,336 then you will mess yourself up for future sexual encounters. 383 00:15:07,806 --> 00:15:10,643 - Being a man, sex is talked about 384 00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:12,678 as if you're some kind of porn star. 385 00:15:12,678 --> 00:15:15,314 (gentle music) 386 00:15:15,314 --> 00:15:16,715 You're never kinda like, 387 00:15:16,715 --> 00:15:19,385 oh gave her the best 10 seconds of her life type thing. 388 00:15:19,385 --> 00:15:22,655 That's never, you know, talked about, you know? 389 00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:24,089 She was so gorgeous, 390 00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:27,393 and it was such a hot situation that I lasted seconds. 391 00:15:27,393 --> 00:15:29,895 I've never ever met a bloke who's said that, 392 00:15:29,895 --> 00:15:33,732 but I know it's happened to me. (laughing) 393 00:15:33,732 --> 00:15:35,234 - When you're penetrating, 394 00:15:35,234 --> 00:15:37,903 it's like entering the most warm, cuddly space. 395 00:15:37,903 --> 00:15:39,271 It's just all encompassing 396 00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:41,240 and it takes over your whole mind and body. 397 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:44,877 So it's not just your penis sliding inside a very nice, 398 00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:48,213 moist, wet, tight sort of... 399 00:15:48,213 --> 00:15:49,548 It's a great feeling, 400 00:15:49,548 --> 00:15:51,450 but also that flows through your whole body 401 00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:53,185 and through your brain, and it's, 402 00:15:53,185 --> 00:15:55,187 your endorphins are going ding, 403 00:15:55,187 --> 00:15:56,889 and everything's going ding. 404 00:15:56,889 --> 00:15:59,858 It's a real button presser, frankly. 405 00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:04,496 - When I first started having sex men, I was a bottom. 406 00:16:04,496 --> 00:16:06,198 'Cause that's sort of where you end up, 407 00:16:06,198 --> 00:16:08,967 because there is a weird masculinity element towards that. 408 00:16:08,967 --> 00:16:10,235 And so because I was having sex with men 409 00:16:10,235 --> 00:16:11,570 who were teaching me, 410 00:16:11,570 --> 00:16:12,604 I'd go on bottom and that's how it worked. 411 00:16:12,604 --> 00:16:14,807 So to be penetrated, that was, 412 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,308 it felt great and it was amazing. 413 00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:18,544 And having sex with a man in the first place was incredible. 414 00:16:18,544 --> 00:16:19,812 The first time I topped, 415 00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:22,281 I was terrified, 416 00:16:22,281 --> 00:16:24,283 absolutely terrified because I had no idea what I was doing 417 00:16:24,283 --> 00:16:25,584 and I didn't know if I would do it right. 418 00:16:25,584 --> 00:16:28,187 And I was taking on a lot of the control, 419 00:16:28,187 --> 00:16:30,289 and I was becoming what would be seen as 420 00:16:30,289 --> 00:16:32,124 the more kind of masculine role, 421 00:16:32,124 --> 00:16:34,593 and I didn't feel like I could live up to it. 422 00:16:34,593 --> 00:16:36,028 It turns out I'm pretty good, but, 423 00:16:36,028 --> 00:16:37,930 at that point it was terrifying. 424 00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:40,265 (water dripping) 425 00:16:40,265 --> 00:16:42,034 - There's lots of theories about where we come from, 426 00:16:42,034 --> 00:16:43,369 I mean how we're created. 427 00:16:43,369 --> 00:16:44,670 But essentially there's one thing 428 00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:46,438 that's vital in that, and that's sperm. 429 00:16:46,438 --> 00:16:49,241 - It does start with the sperm, obviously. 430 00:16:49,241 --> 00:16:52,077 - I never think about being able to use my sperm 431 00:16:52,077 --> 00:16:54,680 for anything other than cleaning up later. 432 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,281 - I don't think anything towards sperm. 433 00:16:56,281 --> 00:16:58,484 Just get it off me. 434 00:16:58,484 --> 00:16:59,718 That's it. 435 00:16:59,718 --> 00:17:02,521 - It's easier for men to disconnect from the idea 436 00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:04,556 that sperm has a value, 437 00:17:04,556 --> 00:17:06,892 because we produce millions of them, 438 00:17:06,892 --> 00:17:09,928 and we can quite literally toss them away. 439 00:17:09,928 --> 00:17:12,264 - When you look at cum when you're younger, 440 00:17:12,264 --> 00:17:13,799 you don't necessarily acknowledge 441 00:17:13,799 --> 00:17:15,934 that it's a reproductive tool. 442 00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:17,436 But as you get older, you know, 443 00:17:17,436 --> 00:17:19,605 if you're firing on all cylinders, 444 00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:22,074 and you cum and then you know that there's sperm in there, 445 00:17:22,074 --> 00:17:23,709 and it could potentially, you know, 446 00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:25,477 lead to you having a child, 447 00:17:25,477 --> 00:17:27,646 it does give you that sense of being a man. 448 00:17:31,016 --> 00:17:32,518 - After we'd got married and we decided 449 00:17:32,518 --> 00:17:34,520 that we wanted to try having kids, which was brilliant, 450 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:37,489 'cause we had a lot of sex, but we weren't getting pregnant. 451 00:17:37,489 --> 00:17:39,558 And I was like, "Well let's go and talk to the doctor." 452 00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:43,662 And I got the phone call on the drive back to where we live, 453 00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:47,800 and he said, "Yeah, there's no sperm at all in the sample, 454 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,668 "and so that means that you won't be able to 455 00:17:49,668 --> 00:17:52,004 "conceive your own child." 456 00:17:53,439 --> 00:17:57,609 Which broke me, to be honest, completely. 457 00:18:02,147 --> 00:18:04,083 And still does. 458 00:18:09,188 --> 00:18:11,490 It's indescribable, the pain, 459 00:18:11,490 --> 00:18:15,127 because, I can't imagine what it's like to lose a child. 460 00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:20,599 But I know what it's like to lose a child you've never had. 461 00:18:22,968 --> 00:18:28,006 I lost probably 18 months of my life to depression. 462 00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:31,710 So we had to find a way forward, 463 00:18:31,710 --> 00:18:34,313 and for us that was sperm donation. 464 00:18:34,313 --> 00:18:36,715 I remember sitting on the train, going to work, 465 00:18:36,715 --> 00:18:38,283 looking around and thinking, 466 00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:40,285 one of these guys on this train could be the sperm donor. 467 00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:42,154 And I really struggled with that. 468 00:18:42,154 --> 00:18:43,755 I really struggled with this idea of that, 469 00:18:43,755 --> 00:18:47,059 of like how will I ever bond with that child? 470 00:18:51,997 --> 00:18:54,166 We got pregnant the first time we went in, 471 00:18:54,166 --> 00:18:55,934 which was kind of a miracle, 472 00:18:55,934 --> 00:18:57,002 after everything we'd been through. 473 00:18:57,002 --> 00:18:58,437 It was just like, 474 00:18:58,437 --> 00:19:00,038 we believed it, but we didn't entirely believe it. 475 00:19:00,038 --> 00:19:01,573 But it was just wonderful. 476 00:19:01,573 --> 00:19:03,442 It was such a turning point in our lives 477 00:19:03,442 --> 00:19:06,278 that I never ever thought I'd get to, 478 00:19:06,278 --> 00:19:07,613 if I'm completely honest. 479 00:19:08,547 --> 00:19:11,517 And then our son was born, 480 00:19:11,517 --> 00:19:14,686 and when he was brought out to me and I hugged him... 481 00:19:15,721 --> 00:19:19,892 (participant sharply exhaling) 482 00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:24,129 It was everything, absolutely everything. 483 00:19:25,397 --> 00:19:27,966 I love him so much. 484 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:39,678 Nothing will compare to having a child. 485 00:19:41,813 --> 00:19:44,082 (gentle music) 486 00:19:44,082 --> 00:19:46,118 - I grew up in Sheffield, 487 00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:48,720 and it's an area that's well known for straightness, 488 00:19:49,655 --> 00:19:51,023 is if there's a problem, 489 00:19:52,524 --> 00:19:54,660 people will go outside the pub and they'll sort it out. 490 00:19:56,628 --> 00:20:00,332 Violence brings a rush inside of me, but, 491 00:20:00,332 --> 00:20:02,434 it's like doing a bungee jump. 492 00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:04,469 It's like jumping outta a plane. 493 00:20:04,469 --> 00:20:07,773 It's an ultimate adrenaline rush. 494 00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:09,208 And on this one particular night, 495 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,609 I went out on a night out, 496 00:20:10,609 --> 00:20:12,711 and I ended up hitting a doorman, 497 00:20:13,812 --> 00:20:16,315 and I got 21 months for that. 498 00:20:16,315 --> 00:20:18,517 (gentle music) 499 00:20:18,517 --> 00:20:20,752 During sex, I often feel wrong, 500 00:20:20,752 --> 00:20:24,289 because my first experience having sex was rape. 501 00:20:24,289 --> 00:20:25,691 I were 10. 502 00:20:25,691 --> 00:20:29,061 So it's hard for me to like, to separate the two. 503 00:20:30,696 --> 00:20:35,200 The 10-year-old me dealt with it silently. 504 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:37,002 I wore a mask. 505 00:20:37,002 --> 00:20:38,470 I were lost. 506 00:20:38,470 --> 00:20:40,606 I felt as though I couldn't talk to anyone about this. 507 00:20:40,606 --> 00:20:44,676 And then as I got a bit older, like, 508 00:20:44,676 --> 00:20:47,246 I started questioning myself like, am I gay? 509 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:51,917 Does this mean I'm gay because I've been with a boy? 510 00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:54,686 And it confused life outta me. 511 00:20:54,686 --> 00:20:57,356 Then the shame had set in, the guilt had set in. 512 00:20:58,557 --> 00:21:00,692 It affected my confidence in a way 513 00:21:02,294 --> 00:21:04,763 that it were like reverse psychology. 514 00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:07,232 I had to then prove, 515 00:21:07,232 --> 00:21:10,168 I felt so shallow and so small inside, 516 00:21:11,603 --> 00:21:14,806 that I'd do anything to prove to anyone I am a big man. 517 00:21:14,806 --> 00:21:16,408 I am a man. 518 00:21:17,843 --> 00:21:19,077 I used jail for what it was. 519 00:21:19,077 --> 00:21:21,947 It were a long, big, long look in the mirror. 520 00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:23,548 It were just me facing myself. 521 00:21:23,548 --> 00:21:27,019 I could no longer run away from what's happened to me. 522 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:32,491 I speak out openly now about the sexual abuse 523 00:21:32,491 --> 00:21:34,793 and the rape I sustained as a child, 524 00:21:34,793 --> 00:21:36,595 and I can use my energy in a different way. 525 00:21:36,595 --> 00:21:39,131 I can channel my energy in a much more 526 00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:41,600 positive and influential way. 527 00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:43,869 And I'd say now, 528 00:21:43,869 --> 00:21:47,306 I've done something what not many men can face. 529 00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:49,908 I've digged deep within myself, 530 00:21:49,908 --> 00:21:51,510 I've faced all my fears, 531 00:21:51,510 --> 00:21:54,413 and I'm as masculine as I've ever been. 532 00:21:56,915 --> 00:21:59,351 (gentle rhythmic music) 533 00:22:00,952 --> 00:22:03,789 - I've always photographed men's bodies in black and white. 534 00:22:05,991 --> 00:22:10,495 As men, we are often defined in black and white terms. 535 00:22:10,495 --> 00:22:15,100 And what really interests me are the shades in between. 536 00:22:16,368 --> 00:22:19,304 My work plays around with the idea of what men are 537 00:22:19,304 --> 00:22:21,039 and who we are allowed to be. 538 00:22:21,039 --> 00:22:22,607 (gentle music) 539 00:22:22,607 --> 00:22:26,345 So then, I'm gonna ask you to take off this for me. 540 00:22:26,345 --> 00:22:27,312 - Okay. - And then 541 00:22:27,312 --> 00:22:29,347 I will then put this on for you. 542 00:22:29,347 --> 00:22:31,249 How you feeling? - Yeah, I'm good man. 543 00:22:31,249 --> 00:22:32,984 - Yeah, - I'm naked, but it's fine. 544 00:22:32,984 --> 00:22:37,022 - So basically the idea I'm working with 545 00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:42,060 is I'm to use the shirt as a analogy for a straight jacket. 546 00:22:44,296 --> 00:22:46,031 - Okay. - How we could be trapped 547 00:22:46,031 --> 00:22:48,233 in terms of notions of kind of 548 00:22:48,233 --> 00:22:51,069 identity and masculinity - Identity. 549 00:22:51,069 --> 00:22:52,337 - How does that feel? 550 00:22:52,337 --> 00:22:53,705 - Yeah, that's fine. 551 00:22:53,705 --> 00:22:54,473 You know, it's not normally the way I do it, 552 00:22:54,473 --> 00:22:55,307 but it's cool. 553 00:22:58,610 --> 00:22:59,911 - [Ajamu] You might wanna try 554 00:22:59,911 --> 00:23:01,346 and just bring your hands up a bit more. 555 00:23:01,346 --> 00:23:03,582 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 556 00:23:03,582 --> 00:23:05,584 - Okay. - As to push out slightly. 557 00:23:05,584 --> 00:23:08,153 It's gonna be awkward. - Yeah, it is awkward. 558 00:23:08,153 --> 00:23:10,422 - [Ajamu] That's what I want, is the awkwardness. 559 00:23:12,023 --> 00:23:13,892 And your veins look beautiful. 560 00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:15,660 - My what? - Your veins on here. 561 00:23:15,660 --> 00:23:18,430 - Oh Christ, rages, I'm popping out. 562 00:23:18,430 --> 00:23:20,665 Okay, so beside all that, just a really normal buzz. 563 00:23:20,665 --> 00:23:21,933 - Yeah. - I get it, I get it. 564 00:23:21,933 --> 00:23:23,935 - Yeah, so, yes, this is about tension. 565 00:23:25,837 --> 00:23:27,706 (camera beeping) 566 00:23:27,706 --> 00:23:32,177 Right, can you just now turn around and face me now? 567 00:23:32,177 --> 00:23:33,745 And then just do that pushing out again. 568 00:23:33,745 --> 00:23:34,913 Just push. 569 00:23:34,913 --> 00:23:36,148 Yeah, nice. 570 00:23:38,049 --> 00:23:39,584 Nice. 571 00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:42,988 (camera beeping) Beautiful. 572 00:23:42,988 --> 00:23:44,790 I really like the shot, actually. 573 00:23:44,790 --> 00:23:49,060 So basically what we're capturing is the tension, 574 00:23:49,060 --> 00:23:52,063 and then there's tension within your hands as well. 575 00:23:52,063 --> 00:23:53,064 - Okay, got it. - Right, yeah? 576 00:23:53,064 --> 00:23:54,232 Right, right. 577 00:23:54,232 --> 00:23:55,634 Can I have you just turn your face 578 00:23:55,634 --> 00:23:59,638 directly towards the backdrop and stay like that? 579 00:23:59,638 --> 00:24:00,472 Yep. 580 00:24:02,808 --> 00:24:05,343 - I suppose to a certain extent masculinity 581 00:24:05,343 --> 00:24:09,614 could be seen as being like a metaphorical straight jacket. 582 00:24:09,614 --> 00:24:11,983 When you're tied into a way of behaving 583 00:24:11,983 --> 00:24:15,220 and thinking on a very one-dimensional level, 584 00:24:15,220 --> 00:24:18,390 I see it as a challenge to break out of that, 585 00:24:18,390 --> 00:24:23,395 and to mold it to yourself. 586 00:24:23,395 --> 00:24:25,030 - [Ajamu] Beautiful. 587 00:24:25,030 --> 00:24:26,264 (camera beeping) 588 00:24:26,264 --> 00:24:27,132 - We've been very much in a man's world, 589 00:24:27,132 --> 00:24:28,066 things are changing. 590 00:24:28,066 --> 00:24:29,301 I think it's a great thing. 591 00:24:29,301 --> 00:24:30,669 And, you know, men have to 592 00:24:30,669 --> 00:24:32,637 maybe redefine themselves a bit away from this 593 00:24:32,637 --> 00:24:35,607 sort of very passe, cliche. 594 00:24:35,607 --> 00:24:37,742 I was born in the 60s, you know? 595 00:24:37,742 --> 00:24:38,877 I went to school in the 70s, 596 00:24:38,877 --> 00:24:40,212 and attitudes have changed a lot. 597 00:24:40,212 --> 00:24:43,248 So, I effectively had to re-look at my education 598 00:24:43,248 --> 00:24:44,649 and chuck out the bits that don't apply. 599 00:24:44,649 --> 00:24:46,518 And there's a lot of it, a lot of crap. 600 00:24:46,518 --> 00:24:49,421 (gentle music) 601 00:24:49,421 --> 00:24:52,424 I was sent to a really beautiful little school 602 00:24:52,424 --> 00:24:53,925 in the middle of the country. 603 00:24:54,860 --> 00:24:56,728 I was seven years old. 604 00:24:56,728 --> 00:24:58,096 Boris was there. 605 00:24:58,096 --> 00:24:59,698 The whole Johnson family were there, actually. 606 00:24:59,698 --> 00:25:01,533 And it was seen as being like the top school, 607 00:25:01,533 --> 00:25:04,269 and then everybody ended up at Oxford or Cambridge, 608 00:25:04,269 --> 00:25:06,238 and a lot of them are in politics. 609 00:25:08,340 --> 00:25:10,976 Everybody thinks that it's, you know, we're privileged. 610 00:25:10,976 --> 00:25:12,377 I tell you what, you're lucky if you didn't go, 611 00:25:12,377 --> 00:25:14,913 you got away with it because it was shit. 612 00:25:14,913 --> 00:25:18,016 - [Ajamu] And then just pushed one hand up, yeah. 613 00:25:18,016 --> 00:25:19,417 - The longer I was there, the more I discovered 614 00:25:19,417 --> 00:25:21,253 and realized what really was going on. 615 00:25:21,253 --> 00:25:23,989 (gentle music) 616 00:25:23,989 --> 00:25:25,357 One of the things that happened was 617 00:25:25,357 --> 00:25:26,858 there was a teacher who'd come into the dormitory, 618 00:25:26,858 --> 00:25:29,060 and he would make a stand around completely naked, 619 00:25:29,060 --> 00:25:30,829 and we'd have to get an erection 620 00:25:30,829 --> 00:25:32,931 and balance our slippers on the end of it, 621 00:25:32,931 --> 00:25:34,666 and basically who'd get the hardest erection. 622 00:25:34,666 --> 00:25:38,036 It was basically he would wander around sort of watching. 623 00:25:38,036 --> 00:25:39,905 He was a, you know... 624 00:25:39,905 --> 00:25:41,640 He had really scary, thick glasses 625 00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:43,375 and wrinkly face, like paper. 626 00:25:43,375 --> 00:25:44,776 That's what I remember of him. 627 00:25:44,776 --> 00:25:46,311 And if he punished me, for example, 628 00:25:46,311 --> 00:25:48,146 he'd take me to his room... (yelling) 629 00:25:48,146 --> 00:25:49,581 And he'd bend me over his bed, 630 00:25:49,581 --> 00:25:50,949 and then I would just hear him breathing over me, 631 00:25:50,949 --> 00:25:52,417 but he wouldn't touch me. 632 00:25:52,417 --> 00:25:54,386 And yeah, it was creepy, you know? 633 00:25:54,386 --> 00:25:55,453 For somebody at that age, 634 00:25:55,453 --> 00:25:57,055 seven years old, it's super creepy. 635 00:25:59,557 --> 00:26:01,793 I didn't realize at the time how extensive it was. 636 00:26:01,793 --> 00:26:04,863 I mean, some of my friends were essentially raped. 637 00:26:04,863 --> 00:26:06,865 There's obviously zero consent at that age, you know, 638 00:26:06,865 --> 00:26:09,267 by teachers, you know, 639 00:26:10,502 --> 00:26:13,438 and we were all seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12. 640 00:26:13,438 --> 00:26:14,272 I mean we were young. 641 00:26:14,272 --> 00:26:15,106 We were young. 642 00:26:16,541 --> 00:26:18,076 It's a hard word to describe 643 00:26:18,076 --> 00:26:20,011 how you feel later having realized something was going on 644 00:26:20,011 --> 00:26:21,379 that you couldn't help with. 645 00:26:21,379 --> 00:26:22,948 We were kids, so there's no way 646 00:26:22,948 --> 00:26:24,416 I could have done anything at the time. 647 00:26:24,416 --> 00:26:26,785 But like if we'd all known more about the way of the world 648 00:26:26,785 --> 00:26:28,053 and we'd been a bit older, 649 00:26:28,053 --> 00:26:29,587 we might have been able to do something. 650 00:26:30,689 --> 00:26:32,624 It's weird the way the memory works. 651 00:26:32,624 --> 00:26:35,493 For many years, everyone brushes under the carpet. 652 00:26:35,493 --> 00:26:37,329 You know, we wouldn't even talk about it with each other. 653 00:26:37,329 --> 00:26:39,731 But then in recent years, around the time of Jimmy Savile, 654 00:26:39,731 --> 00:26:41,666 the compensation did come up, 655 00:26:41,666 --> 00:26:43,301 and it only became apparent to me then 656 00:26:43,301 --> 00:26:45,837 how damaging this had been to some people's lives. 657 00:26:47,272 --> 00:26:50,508 We brought a criminal case against some of the teachers. 658 00:26:50,508 --> 00:26:51,676 We've already been successful. 659 00:26:51,676 --> 00:26:53,011 We had one locked up. 660 00:26:53,011 --> 00:26:55,146 And it meant justice for his victims. 661 00:26:56,715 --> 00:27:01,353 (techno music) (internet dial-up tone) 662 00:27:01,353 --> 00:27:03,688 - Pornography came into my life 663 00:27:03,688 --> 00:27:06,658 when I got a computer in my room. 664 00:27:06,658 --> 00:27:08,259 Because the dial-up was really slow, 665 00:27:08,259 --> 00:27:09,861 you just load images. 666 00:27:09,861 --> 00:27:11,129 And you know, it would be like, 667 00:27:11,129 --> 00:27:12,664 you'd see the head and then you'd see the eyes 668 00:27:12,664 --> 00:27:13,732 and then you'd see the boobs. 669 00:27:13,732 --> 00:27:15,500 And sometimes before you'd even 670 00:27:15,500 --> 00:27:17,535 got to the bottom of the image, 671 00:27:17,535 --> 00:27:19,938 which could just be one photo, you could have ejaculated. 672 00:27:19,938 --> 00:27:21,906 But it was always a race with pornography. 673 00:27:21,906 --> 00:27:24,576 I found that it was never sort of prolonging it 674 00:27:24,576 --> 00:27:28,380 and having a 10-, 15-minute, 20-minute, 30-minute 675 00:27:28,380 --> 00:27:30,415 sort of level of masturbation. 676 00:27:30,415 --> 00:27:32,584 It was always this sort of get it done quickly 677 00:27:32,584 --> 00:27:33,985 before someone catches you. 678 00:27:33,985 --> 00:27:35,186 (people moaning) 679 00:27:35,186 --> 00:27:36,621 - Porn just puts it into a visual, 680 00:27:36,621 --> 00:27:38,390 so you have to do less work. 681 00:27:38,390 --> 00:27:39,858 I think actually, honestly, 682 00:27:39,858 --> 00:27:43,194 using your imagination to is a lot of work. (laughing) 683 00:27:43,194 --> 00:27:45,397 And nobody's got that kinda time. 684 00:27:45,397 --> 00:27:46,331 - [Participant] Sometimes I would use it 685 00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:48,433 if I know I need to wank 686 00:27:48,433 --> 00:27:51,102 and it has to be quick, I will use porn. 687 00:27:51,102 --> 00:27:52,671 - I think most people approach porn like that. 688 00:27:52,671 --> 00:27:54,906 They watch it, they get what they need from it, 689 00:27:54,906 --> 00:27:56,541 and then they close their laptop 690 00:27:56,541 --> 00:27:58,009 and pretend it didn't exist. 691 00:27:58,009 --> 00:28:00,211 (gentle music) 692 00:28:00,211 --> 00:28:02,347 - The first time I ever saw porn, I was 12, 693 00:28:02,347 --> 00:28:04,149 and I was on the internet kind of going to these websites, 694 00:28:04,149 --> 00:28:05,417 and having fun, I was like, 695 00:28:05,417 --> 00:28:07,385 oh my god, my little sister loves Boyzone. 696 00:28:07,385 --> 00:28:09,854 I'm going to look for Boyzone's website 697 00:28:09,854 --> 00:28:11,423 and then print off some pictures of Boyzone 698 00:28:11,423 --> 00:28:12,757 and take them home for my sister, because I'm adorable. 699 00:28:12,757 --> 00:28:14,759 Also had a massive crush on most of Boyzone 700 00:28:14,759 --> 00:28:16,461 at the same time, but didn't fully understand. 701 00:28:16,461 --> 00:28:19,197 So I typed in boyzone.com, thinking it was their website, 702 00:28:19,197 --> 00:28:21,066 and it was not their website. 703 00:28:21,066 --> 00:28:22,067 Not at all. 704 00:28:22,067 --> 00:28:23,568 It was some very aggressive porn. 705 00:28:23,568 --> 00:28:28,640 And I could draw you from memory that page instantly, 706 00:28:29,908 --> 00:28:31,976 because it was both the most electrically exciting 707 00:28:31,976 --> 00:28:34,612 and the most terrified I've ever been in my life. 708 00:28:34,612 --> 00:28:37,415 (people moaning) 709 00:28:38,717 --> 00:28:42,353 - When I was younger, it was a lot of just frosting 710 00:28:42,353 --> 00:28:46,424 and fucking and everything was sort of really aggressive. 711 00:28:46,424 --> 00:28:48,626 And I think I learned all them behaviors 712 00:28:48,626 --> 00:28:50,128 through pornography, 713 00:28:50,128 --> 00:28:52,230 and I don't know how many sexual partners I had, 714 00:28:52,230 --> 00:28:54,232 but it was too many before someone actually said, 715 00:28:54,232 --> 00:28:55,633 "I don't like it like that. 716 00:28:55,633 --> 00:28:57,168 "Why do guys always do it like that?" 717 00:28:57,168 --> 00:28:59,270 There was this serious lack of communication before that, 718 00:28:59,270 --> 00:29:02,407 that actually meant slow down, make love, 719 00:29:02,407 --> 00:29:04,609 like caress me, use it properly, 720 00:29:04,609 --> 00:29:08,613 allow me to feel the different contours of your penis, 721 00:29:08,613 --> 00:29:10,682 and that was like a game changer for me. 722 00:29:11,816 --> 00:29:14,319 - So I think porn became a bit of a problem. 723 00:29:14,319 --> 00:29:15,820 There was definitely levels of addiction there. 724 00:29:15,820 --> 00:29:19,224 There were ways in which it was affecting my self image 725 00:29:19,224 --> 00:29:22,393 in terms of here are all these super smooth, 726 00:29:22,393 --> 00:29:25,029 super ripped white guys with massive dicks. 727 00:29:26,464 --> 00:29:27,365 And, 728 00:29:29,300 --> 00:29:31,669 I didn't see, obviously didn't see myself in any of that. 729 00:29:33,071 --> 00:29:36,341 (gentle music) 730 00:29:36,341 --> 00:29:39,377 I first realized kind of towards the end of primary school 731 00:29:39,377 --> 00:29:42,547 that I was gay, but Asian men are straight. 732 00:29:42,547 --> 00:29:43,781 That's it. 733 00:29:43,781 --> 00:29:45,416 So I think trying to marry those parts 734 00:29:45,416 --> 00:29:48,353 of my identity together, that completely ripped me apart. 735 00:29:48,353 --> 00:29:49,120 It was 736 00:29:51,422 --> 00:29:54,559 trying to pray that the sexuality would go away 737 00:29:54,559 --> 00:29:57,428 or that I'd become straight, or failing that, 738 00:29:57,428 --> 00:30:00,098 if I could get hit by a bus or if something would happen 739 00:30:00,098 --> 00:30:02,367 so that I wasn't alive anymore, 740 00:30:02,367 --> 00:30:03,568 because I was suicidal during this time, 741 00:30:03,568 --> 00:30:06,471 but suicide is prohibited in Islam, 742 00:30:06,471 --> 00:30:08,206 so it kind of felt as I was trapped. 743 00:30:10,341 --> 00:30:12,544 And obviously the gay didn't go away, 744 00:30:12,544 --> 00:30:14,712 and then it just got more and more intense, 745 00:30:16,381 --> 00:30:18,983 until I couldn't keep up with it anymore. 746 00:30:18,983 --> 00:30:20,218 It was just too much. 747 00:30:20,218 --> 00:30:21,319 It was... 748 00:30:23,021 --> 00:30:24,189 It was crushing, 749 00:30:26,958 --> 00:30:28,226 and I took it out on my body. 750 00:30:28,226 --> 00:30:29,661 So it was, you know, hacking at my body. 751 00:30:29,661 --> 00:30:31,062 It was punishing my body, 752 00:30:31,062 --> 00:30:34,098 because I hated this vessel that I was attached to, 753 00:30:34,098 --> 00:30:36,501 and I just wanted to rip my body apart. 754 00:30:36,501 --> 00:30:37,702 And I did. 755 00:30:37,702 --> 00:30:39,337 Physically, I started to rip it apart. 756 00:30:46,744 --> 00:30:48,580 - How are you feeling, okay? 757 00:30:48,580 --> 00:30:50,615 I want you to feel yourself 758 00:30:50,615 --> 00:30:53,117 transforming into something else, right, yeah? 759 00:30:54,586 --> 00:30:56,588 (camera beeping) 760 00:30:56,588 --> 00:30:57,422 Yeah? 761 00:30:57,422 --> 00:30:58,856 Beautiful. 762 00:30:58,856 --> 00:31:01,826 Now then, touch your scars with this hand. 763 00:31:01,826 --> 00:31:03,661 Yeah, just very... 764 00:31:03,661 --> 00:31:06,431 Yeah, very, very gentle like that. 765 00:31:08,066 --> 00:31:09,167 - This is probably the strangest thing 766 00:31:09,167 --> 00:31:10,435 I've ever done in my life. 767 00:31:10,435 --> 00:31:12,503 (gentle music) 768 00:31:12,503 --> 00:31:13,905 - [Ajamu] Look away some more, look away. 769 00:31:13,905 --> 00:31:14,739 That's it. 770 00:31:14,739 --> 00:31:15,640 That's it. 771 00:31:17,942 --> 00:31:19,544 Being nude. - Mm-hm? 772 00:31:19,544 --> 00:31:22,113 - [Ajamu] How do you feel in terms of power? 773 00:31:23,381 --> 00:31:26,584 - It feels powerful to be stood here, nude, naked, 774 00:31:26,584 --> 00:31:29,053 talking about things I've talked about, 775 00:31:29,053 --> 00:31:29,988 and I'm owning it. 776 00:31:31,155 --> 00:31:32,857 This whole experience has been 777 00:31:32,857 --> 00:31:34,292 kind of airing out the dirty laundry 778 00:31:34,292 --> 00:31:36,261 and seeing that actually when I talk about it, 779 00:31:36,261 --> 00:31:37,996 it's not as powerful anymore, 780 00:31:37,996 --> 00:31:41,099 or it's kind of, it doesn't have as much of a hold on me, 781 00:31:41,099 --> 00:31:42,834 and it's kind of drawn a line under it. 782 00:31:42,834 --> 00:31:44,736 (gentle intense music) 783 00:31:44,736 --> 00:31:45,637 - I'm done. 784 00:31:46,771 --> 00:31:48,273 That's the image. 785 00:31:48,273 --> 00:31:51,643 (gentle intense music) 786 00:31:52,510 --> 00:31:54,479 Nice. - That's me. 787 00:31:54,479 --> 00:31:55,513 - [Ajamu] That's you, honey. 788 00:31:55,513 --> 00:31:56,914 (participant laughing) 789 00:31:56,914 --> 00:31:58,383 Thank you. 790 00:31:58,383 --> 00:31:59,751 - Thank you. 791 00:31:59,751 --> 00:32:01,819 (gentle intense music) 792 00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:06,257 - Thank you.enisf 793 00:32:06,257 --> 00:32:09,994 my ability to create life with the opposite sex. 794 00:32:09,994 --> 00:32:12,563 It's integral to who I am 795 00:32:12,563 --> 00:32:17,568 from a survival standpoint, in terms of my fertility, 796 00:32:18,836 --> 00:32:20,805 my strength, meaning being able to pass on my seed. 797 00:32:22,006 --> 00:32:25,009 It's how I connect with the opposite sex 798 00:32:25,009 --> 00:32:26,644 on an intimate level. 799 00:32:26,644 --> 00:32:30,648 It's how we exchange that magical energy. 800 00:32:30,648 --> 00:32:32,216 It's fucking awesome. 801 00:32:33,484 --> 00:32:35,553 - How you doin'? - Fantastic. 802 00:32:35,553 --> 00:32:37,221 - Thanks for comin' in. - You're very welcome. 803 00:32:37,221 --> 00:32:38,256 - [Ajamu] Do you shake or hug. 804 00:32:38,256 --> 00:32:39,324 I like hugs personally. 805 00:32:39,324 --> 00:32:40,692 There you go. 806 00:32:40,692 --> 00:32:42,927 - I think it's a travesty that men and women 807 00:32:42,927 --> 00:32:44,529 are being mushed together, 808 00:32:44,529 --> 00:32:46,130 because I think the differences 809 00:32:46,130 --> 00:32:47,565 between the two are so beautiful 810 00:32:47,565 --> 00:32:49,934 and that's where all the chemistry comes from. 811 00:32:49,934 --> 00:32:52,170 And to pretend that we're all the same 812 00:32:52,170 --> 00:32:56,607 in the name of equality, I think is nonsense. 813 00:32:56,607 --> 00:32:59,210 I think that our differences should be celebrated 814 00:32:59,210 --> 00:33:00,712 and what we should be doing 815 00:33:00,712 --> 00:33:03,214 is learning how to respect each other for those differences. 816 00:33:04,515 --> 00:33:07,285 - Sabin, tell me more about your work. 817 00:33:07,285 --> 00:33:10,021 - [Sabin] I'm a sexual development companion 818 00:33:10,021 --> 00:33:11,689 and high class escort. 819 00:33:11,689 --> 00:33:15,860 - Yeah. - So essentially women hire me 820 00:33:15,860 --> 00:33:17,929 to help them explore their sexuality. 821 00:33:17,929 --> 00:33:19,163 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 822 00:33:20,298 --> 00:33:23,334 - And it varies a lot from women who 823 00:33:23,334 --> 00:33:26,871 have been in long-term relationships but have had no sex 824 00:33:26,871 --> 00:33:29,273 to women who want to explore 825 00:33:29,273 --> 00:33:32,810 maybe a darker side of their sexuality. 826 00:33:32,810 --> 00:33:35,413 - Okay. 827 00:33:35,413 --> 00:33:38,216 - I don't feel any pressure because of my race, 828 00:33:38,216 --> 00:33:43,254 but I probably have been with women who, for them it was, 829 00:33:44,288 --> 00:33:46,491 a large part of the attraction to me 830 00:33:46,491 --> 00:33:49,293 was the fact that I was the forbidden fruit. 831 00:33:50,561 --> 00:33:53,698 I'm not ignorant to the fact that that plays into it, 832 00:33:53,698 --> 00:33:55,800 but I don't let that define me. 833 00:33:57,001 --> 00:33:59,971 - [Ajamu] How long have been in the business? 834 00:33:59,971 --> 00:34:02,006 - Coming up to about five years now. 835 00:34:02,006 --> 00:34:03,574 - Are your family aware? 836 00:34:03,574 --> 00:34:05,476 - I've got a 19-year-old daughter. 837 00:34:05,476 --> 00:34:07,678 She's lived with me since she was five years old. 838 00:34:07,678 --> 00:34:09,680 - Yeah. - So she's well aware 839 00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:10,982 of what I do. 840 00:34:10,982 --> 00:34:12,683 I'm quite open with her, within reason. 841 00:34:12,683 --> 00:34:14,652 I'm still her dad, so- - Of course, yeah. 842 00:34:14,652 --> 00:34:16,354 - [Sabin] You know, some information 843 00:34:16,354 --> 00:34:17,422 I don't need to share with her, 844 00:34:17,422 --> 00:34:18,689 but she knows what I do. 845 00:34:18,689 --> 00:34:21,092 - Yeah. - I don't hide that from her. 846 00:34:21,092 --> 00:34:24,862 My mother is surprisingly more open to the idea, 847 00:34:24,862 --> 00:34:27,365 than, I would say, my brothers and sisters, 848 00:34:27,365 --> 00:34:32,303 who, they tend not to really know how to deal with it. 849 00:34:32,303 --> 00:34:36,074 Because within our family, the idea of discussing sexuality, 850 00:34:36,074 --> 00:34:38,476 especially if you've grown up in a household 851 00:34:38,476 --> 00:34:42,180 which is quite religious, it's still quite a taboo subject. 852 00:34:48,419 --> 00:34:50,021 - [Ajamu] I want men to celebrate their bodies 853 00:34:50,021 --> 00:34:51,255 and their sexuality. 854 00:34:52,957 --> 00:34:55,726 And this project has made me continue to question 855 00:34:55,726 --> 00:34:58,362 why we don't see penises outside of sex. 856 00:35:00,031 --> 00:35:03,434 So a tremendous symbol of old school masculinity, 857 00:35:03,434 --> 00:35:05,103 but that needs to be challenged. 858 00:35:06,804 --> 00:35:08,973 - For me, masculinity is all about 859 00:35:08,973 --> 00:35:11,008 how much of a man I can feel, 860 00:35:11,008 --> 00:35:12,844 how much of a man I can make myself feel. 861 00:35:12,844 --> 00:35:15,413 Or how much of a man I come across to other people. 862 00:35:17,281 --> 00:35:20,284 - I don't think society really has many real men. 863 00:35:20,284 --> 00:35:22,553 I think society has a lot of grown boys, 864 00:35:22,553 --> 00:35:25,289 and so I think men find themselves under the pressures 865 00:35:25,289 --> 00:35:28,693 to try and achieve a warped version of masculinity. 866 00:35:28,693 --> 00:35:30,995 And it's the wrong version of masculinity 867 00:35:30,995 --> 00:35:32,930 that they're pursuing. 868 00:35:32,930 --> 00:35:36,134 (intense music) 869 00:35:36,134 --> 00:35:37,935 - I think the word masculinity, 870 00:35:39,170 --> 00:35:41,939 to me, means violence, probably, 871 00:35:41,939 --> 00:35:43,207 first and foremost. 872 00:35:45,343 --> 00:35:46,377 It's much bigger than me. 873 00:35:46,377 --> 00:35:47,979 It's structural. 874 00:35:47,979 --> 00:35:50,214 It's the way we reward masculinity and let boys be boys. 875 00:35:52,116 --> 00:35:55,086 I was always extremely visibly feminine 876 00:35:55,086 --> 00:35:57,088 from a really young age, 877 00:35:57,088 --> 00:35:59,290 and I think people just didn't really 878 00:35:59,290 --> 00:36:00,525 know how to deal with that. 879 00:36:00,525 --> 00:36:04,762 So when my big body that was incredibly feminine 880 00:36:04,762 --> 00:36:08,766 would question people's perception of what I should be, 881 00:36:08,766 --> 00:36:10,568 I think that creates a friction 882 00:36:10,568 --> 00:36:11,903 and a tension and a violence, 883 00:36:11,903 --> 00:36:14,305 and that's what would happen. 884 00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:18,409 At high school that used to like find me in corners 885 00:36:18,409 --> 00:36:21,045 in like a PE changing room or something. 886 00:36:21,045 --> 00:36:22,647 And then they'd like cum down my throat, 887 00:36:22,647 --> 00:36:24,248 and they'd be like, "You fuckin' tell anyone about this, 888 00:36:24,248 --> 00:36:25,716 "and I'll kill you." 889 00:36:25,716 --> 00:36:27,685 And they'd like, later that day, 890 00:36:27,685 --> 00:36:29,086 I'd look up at the top deck of the bus, 891 00:36:29,086 --> 00:36:30,321 and they'd be like, "You fuckin' faggot." 892 00:36:30,321 --> 00:36:31,656 And then spit on my face, 893 00:36:31,656 --> 00:36:33,324 and then there'd be all their lads around them 894 00:36:33,324 --> 00:36:35,526 doing the same, and it's like, how funny. 895 00:36:35,526 --> 00:36:39,931 You literally came in my mouth about four hours ago. 896 00:36:39,931 --> 00:36:43,201 (gentle intense music) 897 00:36:43,201 --> 00:36:45,436 - My surname's Bellringer, 898 00:36:45,436 --> 00:36:49,040 and when I was at school I was teased remorselessly. 899 00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:51,576 And I acted really badly with that. 900 00:36:51,576 --> 00:36:53,077 Instead of laughin' it off, 901 00:36:53,077 --> 00:36:54,712 which woulda been a better option, 902 00:36:54,712 --> 00:36:57,048 I used to get into scrapes or fights and things like that. 903 00:36:57,048 --> 00:36:58,816 And the problem is, is that 904 00:36:58,816 --> 00:37:02,119 I couldn't fight my way out of a paper bag. 905 00:37:02,119 --> 00:37:05,690 And when I joined the army, I had to hide that. 906 00:37:05,690 --> 00:37:09,527 I was worried that I was a coward, 907 00:37:09,527 --> 00:37:12,763 and I felt that I had to appear as this big man. 908 00:37:12,763 --> 00:37:17,435 I had to project this idea 909 00:37:17,435 --> 00:37:21,973 of being big, gruff, brave, 910 00:37:21,973 --> 00:37:23,174 courageous. 911 00:37:24,575 --> 00:37:28,879 And no one must know that I feel that I'm a coward. 912 00:37:31,048 --> 00:37:32,783 - As an 18-year-old, 913 00:37:32,783 --> 00:37:36,921 joining the police meant a decent wage at 20,000 pounds, 914 00:37:36,921 --> 00:37:39,557 driving fast cars, and locking bad people up. 915 00:37:40,458 --> 00:37:42,226 However, the stark reality is, 916 00:37:43,561 --> 00:37:44,962 I've become ill from it. 917 00:37:46,397 --> 00:37:50,501 - Ken, there's just somebody (indistinct) around over there. 918 00:37:50,501 --> 00:37:53,204 (intense music) 919 00:37:53,204 --> 00:37:56,207 - 10 years ago I was serving in Afghanistan. 920 00:37:56,207 --> 00:37:59,010 My role over there was bomb disposal. 921 00:37:59,010 --> 00:38:01,846 We were tasked on this particular day 922 00:38:01,846 --> 00:38:04,015 to deal with a series of devices. 923 00:38:04,015 --> 00:38:06,984 Something we'd done many, many times before. 924 00:38:08,286 --> 00:38:12,123 But on this particular day it went awfully wrong. 925 00:38:13,124 --> 00:38:16,560 - I would be in murder scenes, 926 00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:19,363 blood everywhere, carpets, walls. 927 00:38:19,363 --> 00:38:20,931 There would potentially still be a body there 928 00:38:20,931 --> 00:38:23,067 if it hadn't been removed by the coroners. 929 00:38:24,568 --> 00:38:26,404 Going to a road traffic accident, 930 00:38:26,404 --> 00:38:28,739 you're diggin' body parts out of the roads 931 00:38:28,739 --> 00:38:30,975 with tweezers and spoons. 932 00:38:30,975 --> 00:38:33,177 But the one thing that will never ever leave me, 933 00:38:33,177 --> 00:38:35,613 and the medications haven't touched, 934 00:38:35,613 --> 00:38:37,214 and haven't managed to solve is, 935 00:38:37,214 --> 00:38:38,849 the smell and the sight of death. 936 00:38:38,849 --> 00:38:41,652 I can close my eyes and I can picture any one of 937 00:38:41,652 --> 00:38:44,488 a hundred maybe dead bodies that I've seen. 938 00:38:44,488 --> 00:38:45,956 And to this day, I wake up 939 00:38:45,956 --> 00:38:47,158 in the middle of the night screaming, 940 00:38:47,158 --> 00:38:50,761 I have sweats and terrors. 941 00:38:50,761 --> 00:38:53,564 That's the reality of being in the police. 942 00:38:53,564 --> 00:38:55,633 They have something called the canteen culture. 943 00:38:55,633 --> 00:38:58,569 And you literally sit around on your lunch break 944 00:38:58,569 --> 00:39:01,038 and you laugh and joke about their bodies. 945 00:39:01,038 --> 00:39:03,541 In essence, that's their way of dealing with it, 946 00:39:03,541 --> 00:39:06,077 because they make it very difficult for you to speak out. 947 00:39:06,077 --> 00:39:07,278 Well, you joined the police, 948 00:39:07,278 --> 00:39:08,546 you know what you were getting into. 949 00:39:10,081 --> 00:39:12,883 - I survived an absolutely massive explosion 950 00:39:12,883 --> 00:39:16,053 that I had no right to survive. 951 00:39:16,053 --> 00:39:19,256 Strangely, when I was told that I'd 952 00:39:20,324 --> 00:39:23,894 lost my testicles, I just, 953 00:39:25,596 --> 00:39:27,231 metaphorically just shrugged my shoulders, 954 00:39:27,231 --> 00:39:29,100 and went, you know, that's right. 955 00:39:29,100 --> 00:39:30,534 That's that then. 956 00:39:30,534 --> 00:39:33,471 I didn't grieve straight away, 957 00:39:33,471 --> 00:39:36,540 but later on I did. 958 00:39:36,540 --> 00:39:39,643 Sometimes I'd be in a horny mood, 959 00:39:39,643 --> 00:39:44,682 but have nothing that I could do about that. 960 00:39:46,117 --> 00:39:47,852 I suppose the ultimate frustration of being a man, 961 00:39:49,086 --> 00:39:52,356 - Mental health is a big problem for men. 962 00:39:52,356 --> 00:39:54,859 The stigma attached to men is 963 00:39:56,527 --> 00:39:59,463 you can't cry, you can't show you're emotional, 964 00:39:59,463 --> 00:40:03,934 you can't let off steam in a way that shows you're weak. 965 00:40:03,934 --> 00:40:05,102 And we need that. 966 00:40:05,102 --> 00:40:06,570 We need that 967 00:40:06,570 --> 00:40:08,806 sort of ability to say, 968 00:40:08,806 --> 00:40:11,075 I'm struggling with this, I'm tired, 969 00:40:11,075 --> 00:40:12,743 you know, I'm feeling emotional, 970 00:40:12,743 --> 00:40:14,378 I'm feeling down, I need to cry. 971 00:40:15,513 --> 00:40:18,382 - The genital injuries that I've suffered 972 00:40:18,382 --> 00:40:21,719 really has changed my perspective on being a man. 973 00:40:23,220 --> 00:40:25,923 Many things aren't as important. 974 00:40:25,923 --> 00:40:29,760 I don't need to be big and aggressive. 975 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:34,765 And for me, now, being a man is just about 976 00:40:34,765 --> 00:40:35,966 being happy with life. 977 00:40:35,966 --> 00:40:37,201 That's the important thing, 978 00:40:37,201 --> 00:40:39,670 being happy with life and who you are. 979 00:40:41,272 --> 00:40:43,541 (gentle bright music) 980 00:40:43,541 --> 00:40:45,176 - [Ajamu] As men, we are conditioned 981 00:40:45,176 --> 00:40:47,111 to bury our vulnerability, 982 00:40:47,111 --> 00:40:49,647 so often with disastrous results. 983 00:40:51,248 --> 00:40:52,650 I find it inspiring 984 00:40:52,650 --> 00:40:55,052 the way that Darren has faced his demons. 985 00:40:56,720 --> 00:40:59,690 Jesus Christ. 986 00:40:59,690 --> 00:41:01,525 - This is a first for me. 987 00:41:01,525 --> 00:41:03,727 I can't say I've ever had octopus on my feet. 988 00:41:05,362 --> 00:41:07,965 - As are men, our emotions get tangled. 989 00:41:07,965 --> 00:41:11,969 We cannot always work 'em through, unravel them. 990 00:41:11,969 --> 00:41:16,740 For me, the octopus is a great metaphor 991 00:41:16,740 --> 00:41:19,243 and for how we can talk about masculinity, 992 00:41:19,243 --> 00:41:22,713 and then the octopus tentacles going around here, 993 00:41:22,713 --> 00:41:25,316 going to be like shackles as well 994 00:41:25,316 --> 00:41:27,885 because then I think we're also trained to 995 00:41:27,885 --> 00:41:29,487 a concept of masculinity. 996 00:41:29,487 --> 00:41:33,324 - For me it's the shackles of PTSD and the police. 997 00:41:33,324 --> 00:41:34,692 - [Ajamu] Yeah. 998 00:41:34,692 --> 00:41:35,893 - I think everything you've just said 999 00:41:35,893 --> 00:41:37,695 is completely captured within that. 1000 00:41:38,496 --> 00:41:39,330 That photo. 1001 00:41:43,667 --> 00:41:46,036 (gentle intense music) 1002 00:41:47,404 --> 00:41:48,939 - Secondary school harbored 1003 00:41:48,939 --> 00:41:51,709 a very warped version of masculinity, 1004 00:41:51,709 --> 00:41:55,546 because it was very much about dominance and popularity. 1005 00:41:55,546 --> 00:41:56,947 You had to prove yourself, 1006 00:41:56,947 --> 00:41:59,183 whether it was through courage, through fighting. 1007 00:41:59,183 --> 00:42:00,918 If you were seen to care too much, 1008 00:42:00,918 --> 00:42:03,020 you know, you could have been bullied for that. 1009 00:42:03,020 --> 00:42:07,324 If you weren't able to snog a girl, 1010 00:42:07,324 --> 00:42:09,193 you would've been bullied for that. 1011 00:42:09,193 --> 00:42:13,030 And as you grow up, you continue to reuse them patterns 1012 00:42:13,030 --> 00:42:14,431 that have built into you, 1013 00:42:14,431 --> 00:42:16,500 not realizing that you should have grown out of them, 1014 00:42:16,500 --> 00:42:19,036 as you truly turn into a real man. 1015 00:42:19,036 --> 00:42:21,071 - I think men ooze this confidence, 1016 00:42:21,071 --> 00:42:23,674 and this testosterone just comes through, 1017 00:42:23,674 --> 00:42:26,877 and they put on this poker face. 1018 00:42:26,877 --> 00:42:28,913 But on the inside, you know, 1019 00:42:28,913 --> 00:42:31,582 they are quite emotionally constipated, 1020 00:42:31,582 --> 00:42:35,085 and a lot of the thoughts and the feelings 1021 00:42:35,085 --> 00:42:36,353 are kept to themselves. 1022 00:42:38,188 --> 00:42:39,657 - I honestly don't know what masculinity is, 1023 00:42:39,657 --> 00:42:42,359 and that's one of the reasons I have trouble being it, 1024 00:42:42,359 --> 00:42:43,661 because it's not a story I can tell myself 1025 00:42:43,661 --> 00:42:44,828 that I understand. 1026 00:42:46,096 --> 00:42:48,699 - Masculinity means, obviously, 1027 00:42:48,699 --> 00:42:50,267 men and women look different. 1028 00:42:50,267 --> 00:42:52,736 If you go back thousands of years, 1029 00:42:52,736 --> 00:42:56,674 you've got sort of that primate, the caveman type thing, 1030 00:42:56,674 --> 00:42:58,842 where men would look after the women, 1031 00:42:58,842 --> 00:43:01,712 so they've gotta be tough and, you know, protect their women 1032 00:43:01,712 --> 00:43:03,747 and go out and feed their family. 1033 00:43:03,747 --> 00:43:06,116 So for me that's really, really important 1034 00:43:06,116 --> 00:43:09,186 to be seen as a man. 1035 00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:11,121 (gentle music) 1036 00:43:11,121 --> 00:43:13,390 When I was five, for some reason, 1037 00:43:13,390 --> 00:43:16,727 to me the age six just seemed like a boy's age. 1038 00:43:16,727 --> 00:43:19,430 And so I thought I would wake up on my sixth birthday, 1039 00:43:19,430 --> 00:43:21,231 having wished for many, many years, 1040 00:43:21,231 --> 00:43:23,734 every morning I'd wake up and pray that I'd be a boy, 1041 00:43:23,734 --> 00:43:26,236 that it was gonna happen on my sixth birthday. 1042 00:43:26,236 --> 00:43:27,638 And I said to the people around me, 1043 00:43:27,638 --> 00:43:29,907 "I'm gonna be a boy when I'm six." 1044 00:43:29,907 --> 00:43:32,676 And they're obviously like, "No, you're not." 1045 00:43:32,676 --> 00:43:34,478 (gentle music) 1046 00:43:34,478 --> 00:43:38,682 Puberty for me was horrible, really horrible. 1047 00:43:38,682 --> 00:43:41,719 I knew from an early that I was gonna grow breasts 1048 00:43:41,719 --> 00:43:43,587 and have various things happen, 1049 00:43:43,587 --> 00:43:46,457 and the thought of that scared the life out of me. 1050 00:43:46,457 --> 00:43:47,958 And then, you know, it's coming 1051 00:43:47,958 --> 00:43:49,960 and there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. 1052 00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:53,230 And your body just grows in ways that you don't want it to. 1053 00:43:53,230 --> 00:43:54,465 I thought I was a freak. 1054 00:43:57,267 --> 00:44:00,437 Having started hormones, obviously my clitoris has grown, 1055 00:44:00,437 --> 00:44:03,040 so effectively it's a micro penis. 1056 00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:04,541 And the clitoris has got, I don't know, 1057 00:44:04,541 --> 00:44:07,177 50 times more nerves, I think, than a penis. 1058 00:44:07,177 --> 00:44:08,679 So it's very sensitive. 1059 00:44:08,679 --> 00:44:11,348 And if it's grown, it's gonna be even more sensitive. 1060 00:44:11,348 --> 00:44:14,351 It can become erect, which means you've got something 1061 00:44:14,351 --> 00:44:17,221 that effectively feels exactly the, you know, 1062 00:44:17,221 --> 00:44:19,256 it sexually feels nice. 1063 00:44:19,256 --> 00:44:20,691 You can still orgasm. 1064 00:44:22,159 --> 00:44:26,597 And for me, being a man is not necessarily about that area. 1065 00:44:27,231 --> 00:44:28,432 No one sees that. 1066 00:44:28,432 --> 00:44:31,135 So when I'm walking down the road, 1067 00:44:31,135 --> 00:44:33,637 and I go into a shop and buy a can of Coke, 1068 00:44:34,805 --> 00:44:36,473 that's the one area that doesn't matter. 1069 00:44:37,875 --> 00:44:40,244 I was in a relationship for about 10 years 1070 00:44:40,244 --> 00:44:41,945 before I transitioned. 1071 00:44:41,945 --> 00:44:44,415 And you know, in terms of the relationship itself, 1072 00:44:44,415 --> 00:44:45,883 nothing changed. 1073 00:44:45,883 --> 00:44:49,153 But what I find really weird is 1074 00:44:49,153 --> 00:44:52,923 before I was seen as a straight woman, 1075 00:44:52,923 --> 00:44:55,559 so I was straight, and now I'm seen as a gay man. 1076 00:44:56,827 --> 00:44:58,562 We are still the same people, 1077 00:44:58,562 --> 00:45:00,397 and the relationship's the same, 1078 00:45:00,397 --> 00:45:04,902 but the world sees me as a different sexuality. 1079 00:45:09,673 --> 00:45:12,643 - [Ajamu] Our dicks help shape us as men 1080 00:45:12,643 --> 00:45:14,278 and how we navigate the world. 1081 00:45:15,379 --> 00:45:17,181 And like the men I've met, 1082 00:45:17,181 --> 00:45:19,683 that can be complicated and beautiful. 1083 00:45:20,818 --> 00:45:22,553 - Now, as I stand, 1084 00:45:22,553 --> 00:45:25,022 masculinity means to me somebody who's 1085 00:45:25,022 --> 00:45:27,191 not got anything to prove. 1086 00:45:27,191 --> 00:45:30,961 Somebody who can live truthful, somebody who can say no, 1087 00:45:30,961 --> 00:45:33,831 somebody who can express their emotions, 1088 00:45:35,032 --> 00:45:36,900 and somebody who can be honest with themselves 1089 00:45:36,900 --> 00:45:38,235 and others in this world. 1090 00:45:39,737 --> 00:45:41,839 - A good man to me kind of means someone who 1091 00:45:41,839 --> 00:45:44,508 is strong and courageous. 1092 00:45:44,508 --> 00:45:45,976 Not just like physically strong, 1093 00:45:45,976 --> 00:45:49,113 but with a sense of reliability 1094 00:45:49,113 --> 00:45:52,983 and able to support people around him. 1095 00:45:52,983 --> 00:45:56,520 - Someone who is comfortable and controlled 1096 00:45:56,520 --> 00:45:59,656 and doesn't feel the need to project themselves onto others. 1097 00:45:59,656 --> 00:46:01,992 - I wanted to fuck with the rules, 1098 00:46:01,992 --> 00:46:04,361 especially the ones that tries to define 1099 00:46:04,361 --> 00:46:06,430 how we as men should think and act. 1100 00:46:07,631 --> 00:46:08,999 - I think being a man has changed a lot 1101 00:46:08,999 --> 00:46:10,300 in the last few years. 1102 00:46:10,300 --> 00:46:12,503 We're all starting to realize that we're all 1103 00:46:12,503 --> 00:46:16,006 probably not as masculine as we all think we are. (laughing) 1104 00:46:16,006 --> 00:46:18,442 - There's definitely been a massive change for me 1105 00:46:18,442 --> 00:46:21,912 in how men are with their emotional selves. 1106 00:46:21,912 --> 00:46:23,480 There is a dialogue that's been opened up 1107 00:46:23,480 --> 00:46:26,016 where men are allowed to talk about pain. 1108 00:46:26,016 --> 00:46:27,284 They're allowed to talk about 1109 00:46:27,284 --> 00:46:29,353 what they feel and why they feel it. 1110 00:46:29,353 --> 00:46:32,256 And it's raised the bar from survival to happiness. 1111 00:46:32,256 --> 00:46:34,191 And I think now men want to be happy. 1112 00:46:35,793 --> 00:46:38,662 - [Ajamu] We need to let men be whatever they want to be. 1113 00:46:39,630 --> 00:46:41,665 And I think we can do all that 1114 00:46:41,665 --> 00:46:45,702 without losing the joys and the pleasures of the dick. 1115 00:46:48,672 --> 00:46:52,042 (bright rhythmic music) 1116 00:46:59,483 --> 00:47:04,521 (bright rhythmic music) (person moaning and panting) 1117 00:47:21,471 --> 00:47:24,741 (gentle bright music)