Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
Just a minute.
Mr. Nichols?
This is the place.
What in Sam Hill is going on?
We're here to help you move.
Is the furniture going?
No, just the boxes.
Wait, I didn't hire movers.
Someone tweeted that you needed help moving.
I don't Twitter.
[? yeah. ?] Be careful with that.
Hey, are these yours?
They were my wife's.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Put them in back.
You sure you don't need help unloading?
I can handle it.
God loves you, man.
God, I need a miracle.
Hold your horses.
Hey, bro.
Ay.
Call me sir.
Right, sir.
I left a shoe box inside.
In my place?
It's my grandmother's place.
I stayed here until it rented.
Take this too.
Oh, you can keep that stuff.
I don't want it.
It's not going to fit in my car.
Because it's a little baby car.
Oh, hey, jarhead.
I was hoping I'd never get to see you again, homie.
Likewise.
I got something you're going to need for him.
Grandma Rose, she called this her blessing stick.
Blessing stick?
Yeah, she the blessed people over the head who were
trying to get in her house.
Hey, take your box.
Merry Christmas, homie.
It's not Christmas.
That figures.
Any time, Jesus.
Any time.
Hey, this guy's stealing your truck.
What?
What's going on?
Eddie Nichols?
Get out of my truck.
It's not your truck anymore, man.
The medical bills shouldn't be tied to the truck.
Can't we just...
Eh.
You have to talk to the bank, OK?
That sucks.
In my home, young lady, that was a swear word.
Merry Christmas to you too, Scrooge.
It's not Christmas!
Here we go again.
[inaudible]
It's my fault again.
The night shift, the day shift...
Yeah, OK.
...the late shift.
Oh, yeah.
But I didn't do anything before.
No, no, yeah, that's what I've done my...
...six hours, and there's dishes [inaudible]..
What, is there a camera here?
Do you even see what I'm...
[inaudible] the dishes.
It doesn't make...
Yeah?
Just seeing if everything is all right.
He won't do the dishes.
It's never about the dishes.
Get away from the door.
What are you looking at?
Your Jesus is missing.
Excuse me?
Your Jesus is gone.
You can say that again.
Your Jesus is gone.
I was just wondering if I could...
No.
You don't know what I was going to ask.
Uh, no.
Is that your final answer?
No.
Who's in charge here?
I see his name.
What's your name?
My name is No.
You don't... you're not perfect.
You don't do everything.
...and then you come home, and there's piles of laundry
everywhere.
OK, one day.
What about last week?
What did I do...
OK, just talk over me them.
Yeah, fine, talk over me.
What did I do last week?
Do I even get a "thank you," maybe?
[inaudible] every single day [inaudible]..
Whatever!
Your parents know where you are?
Ramos is not my father.
Does he hurt you?
No, I'm a ghost to him.
You're not a ghost.
You are if nobody sees you.
I see you.
I knight thee a real, live kid.
What is that?
It's a blessing stick.
I was going to give Ramos a blessing.
He doesn't deserve a blessing.
Sometimes hurt people hurt people.
Who said that?
I saw it on a bumper sticker.
Rose used to light these up.
They don't work anymore.
I wish everyday was Christmas.
Why is that?
Christmas is about getting presents, and people are nicer.
Hope, get in here!
Can I tell you something?
Sure.
That stuff you're in smells really bad.
No.
Just this little spot, for a garden.
No.
Go plant the garden in the field out back.
That land is toxic.
Nothing will ever grow there.
I'm going to take that as a "yes."
What's this place?
It's where you hold your horses.
Does your mother know where you are?
She's old school.
She just says go play.
What are you doing?
Planting a garden.
Why?
Something to do.
Looks like work.
People not willing to work, shouldn't eat.
Says who?
The Bible says that.
Want to see something weird?
Always.
Of all the places in this field, the best soil
is under this dead tree.
Nothing that's died has ever come back to life.
That's not true.
My daddy died, and he's never coming back.
I'm sorry.
Mom says people shouldn't say sorry when
you find out someone's died.
You should ask what were they like.
OK.
What was he like, your dad?
He was good.
Kind of silly.
What was she like, your wife?
How do you know I lost my wife?
No one moves into my neighborhood
because they just started living.
She was kind of silly, probably like your dad.
She liked rock and roll and sushi.
Gross!
Come on, kid.
Give me a hand.
What was your wife's name?
Olivia, and she loved to work.
Did she work at a donut shop?
She was a horticulturist.
A horti-whatter-what?
She was a plant expert.
She taught me everything I know about gardening.
What did you teach her?
I taught her what I thought I knew about faith.
You a preacher?
No, just a guy who's read the Bible a lot.
My mom has a Bible.
She stopped reading it after my dad died.
Bible's got great stories in it.
Comics.
Great stories.
They're not true stories.
I used to tell Bible stories while working in our garden.
Say, what's your name?
Hope.
What's yours?
When I was a school teacher, they called me Mr. Nichols.
Are you gonna tell Bible stories while you plant this garden?
No.
There is no one left to tell them to.
This old man, he played one.
He played knick knack on my thumb.
With a knick knack paddy whack, give a dog a bone,
this old man came rolling home.
That was the longest 20 yards of my life.
My sciatica is killing me.
I don't even remember how I got here.
What did you find?
Looks like a plug.
It's a tree nut.
Some part of the tree once grew out of there.
Trees are the first thing that God
planted in the Garden of Eden.
Eden?
It's the first story in the Bible.
In the beginning, there was nothing.
Nothing?
Nothing.
No earth, no sky, no sea, plants, no animals,
and no people.
I didn't know that.
God spoke in the darkness, "Let there be light."
And just like that, there was light.
Like a light switch.
Like a light switch God saw the light was good,
so He split the light from the dark and called it a day.
The next morning, God looked around
and thought the Earth needs to be more organized.
So He put all the water in one place and all the dry land
in another.
When He finished that, He made plants and trees,
like the ones that cover the Rocky Mountains.
Come on.
All sorts of trees and grasses began to grow.
Then God made the sun to light the sky during the day.
He hung the moon and stars to sparkle the night.
He stepped back to look at His work
and said "This is good stuff."
Good stuff.
The next day, God filled the waters with life...
millions of fish swimming in the ocean.
He made birds and sent them soaring through the air.
"Excellent.
This is good," He said.
Come on.
Then God let the Earth bring forth
living creatures, creeping things,
and beasts of the Earth.
Dinosaurs?
Everything, from ants to zebras, lions and tigers and bears.
Oh boy.
But God felt something was missing.
What was missing?
Man.
What about woman?
God spoke again.
"Let Us make man in Our image, and let him rule over
the fish in the sea, the birds in the air,
and the creatures on land."
And it happened just like that.
He created the very first man.
From what?
Life will grow from the soil of the Earth if it is loved.
God made man from dirt.
What did God make kids from?
Candy, of course.
Do you have kids?
I have a daughter.
She's all grown up and married.
She's mad at me.
How come?
She doesn't like the choices I made for her mom at the end.
Well, just go tell her you're sorry.
It's not that easy.
When I get in trouble, my mom sends me to my room.
But when I go say I'm sorry, she lets me out.
Wait.
I bet my mom's looking for me right now.
What about woman?
Tomorrow.
Hope, where are you?
Excuse me.
Have you seen my kid?
I'll take that as a no.
Careful.
You'll blow yourself up.
OK.
That was fun, Shawna.
I win.
I dare you.
Hey, I think we got off on the wrong foot.
Is that supposed to be some kind of lame joke?
No, not at all.
IED?
It wasn't an IOU the government gave me.
All right, then.
Oorah.
Marines?
Vietnam, '68 to '71.
Infantry?
Chaplain.
You're not some kind of weirdo, are you?
I'm a retired grade school teacher.
What's with the garden?
It's a healing garden.
My wife planted one while she was sick.
It didn't work.
I'm sorry.
Well, not sure I want you filling my kid's head wtih
stories about men being made from dirt,
because that's the only thing the Bible got right.
War is a dirty thing.
A man can't wash it off on his own.
[ON RADIO] Well, Jim, you know what they say here
in Colorado... if you don't like the weather,
just wait 10 minutes.
But I wouldn't hold you up on that,
because summer is holding strong across the Denver metro area.
In fact, Commerce City tied the record high afternoon Thursday
of 96 degrees, first set in 1990.
Is God making girls today?
He makes a woman for the lonely man.
Cookies for breakfast?
At this point, why not?
Didn't we pull those already?
I got 'em.
God placed the man He had made in a perfect garden
and told him to take care of it.
No one took care of this tree.
Only the spirit of God could bring this tree to life.
I think I left my spirit at home.
Your body's barely here, Norm.
In the middle of the garden, God planted two special trees.
One was called the tree of life, and the other
was called the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
That sounds like a scary movie.
Evil can feel like a scary movie.
So God told Adam...
that was the man's name...
he could eat the fruit from every tree in the garden
except from the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
"If you eat from this tree," God said, "you will die."
Why would God grow a tree you can't eat from?
He wanted people to have a choice.
Without free will, we would just be under God's control.
Like a robot.
Yeah, like a robot.
What's that fool doing now?
OK.
Ready to hear about the woman?
I've been waiting forever.
Adam was lonely and needed a helper.
So God made Adam fall into a deep sleep,
took a rib from him, and made the very first woman from it.
My mom is made of way more than just a rib.
Women were made as a source of strength and reinforcement.
All women are more than just a rib.
The man Adam named his wife Eve because she would become
the mother of all that live.
But one day Eve was walking in the garden,
and a snake spoke to her.
A talking snake?
That's just weird.
If it's weird and in the Bible, it's probably important.
So the snake says "Did God really
say you can't eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge
of good and evil?"
What did she say?
She said "We can eat from any tree in the garden,
but not that one.
God said if we do, we'll die."
Get back, you snake!
So the snake says "You won't die.
God knows that if you eat the fruit from that tree
you will become wise as a god, knowing good and evil."
What do you think Eve did?
She ate from the tree.
Why do you think she did that?
Because you just can't help it.
That's right.
She ate the fruit and then handed it to her husband Adam.
He was there?
He was standing right there, doing nothing.
He ate the fruit too.
Then they both saw for the first time that they had no clothes.
They must have freaked out.
They did.
They felt ashamed.
They ran off and picked leaves from a fig tree
to cover themselves.
And that was the first sin.
From then on, life became very hard.
Eve totally blew it.
No, they both blew it.
They should have both been looking after each other.
Stay here.
What are you doing?
What does it look like, chappie?
Call me sir.
I'll put it in the corner over there.
No, we're planting a garden here.
What kind of garden do you think you're gonna grow in this dump?
The kind I grew in Vietnam.
Oh, I don't like vegetables.
It was a flower garden.
I don't like flowers.
Take your garbage out of this field.
Are you crazy, old man?
Give me my leg back!
This is better than fake news on TV.
Yeah.
I just had an IV just yesterday.
You don't know what I've been through!
I know exactly what you've been through.
Those flowers were to lay on the body bags of dead Marines.
Dead Marines!
Have a good day, Marine.
That was awesome.
Yeah?
Well, he had it coming.
What's the next story?
Tomorrow I'll tell you how God wiped out humanity with water.
Hey, let me ask you something.
No.
Come on!
Everybody here has an ache, a pain, or a problem.
They all bring them to me.
Listen.
I heard you're a chaplain.
I was.
I'm not getting any younger, and I
want to make sure I'm right with the Big Guy upstairs.
The Big Guy?
Yeah.
You know, God.
Jesus and the Spirit thing.
Do you believe that God sent His one and only Son to Earth
to pay for your sins and died on a cross
and was resurrected from the dead?
Yeah, sure.
OK. Fine.
You're good.
Oh, really? Am I?
Listen, uh...
Carl.
Listen, Carl.
Only you and Christ know what's in your heart.
And if all that's in your heart is no,
you better find yes before it's too late.
Why did God wipe out people?
Because they forgot about Him and how He loved them.
Except for one man.
His name was Noah.
Oh, I know this story.
You do?
I once got a Noah's Ark toy for Christmas.
That's why I love Christmas...
you get presents.
Christmas isn't about getting.
Yes it is.
No it's not.
We'll have to skip to the Christmas story after this one
so you'll know the truth.
You're the storyteller.
So God was very sad that people stopped loving Him
and that they were cruel to each other.
Come on, kid.
Let's get out of the heat.
Thank you.
Here you go.
Have a seat.
God said to Noah, "I'm going to bring rain to flood the earth.
Build a huge boat from wood, an ark."
Noah did exactly what God asked.
He entered the boat with his wife, their sons,
and their wives.
Then all the animals came.
Except for the unicorns.
There's no such thing as unicorns.
Because they didn't make it to the Ark.
I'm kidding.
Unicorns aren't real.
It rained and poured for 40 days and 40 nights,
flooding the earth and washing away all living things.
After a long time, the Ark finally
rested on the side of a mountain.
Noah's family and all the animals came off the boat
and spread out all over the world.
I hope it never floods like that ever again.
It won't.
How do you know that?
The rainbow in the sky.
It was God's promise to us that He would never do that again.
Yeah!
That's a great story.
Ohoh!
It is.
But Christmas is the greatest story ever told.
I'm ready.
Tomorrow while we plant seeds, I'll
tell you the story of the miracle.
But first I've got a job for you.
No.
Eddie told me you'd say that.
Eddie he sent you?
Yep.
All right, kid.
What do you need?
You do know it's not Christmas.
Maybe every day should be Christmas.
People would be nicer to each other.
Can I ask you something?
The other day, what did you mean it's not about the dishes?
You live with a woman who's had it rough.
She has a child that needs a father.
If you want a peaceful home, you need to be a spiritual warrior.
Thought a lot about God when I was over there.
It seemed more real then.
Death makes God real for some people.
For others, it can lead them to questioning their faith.
What was your wife like?
She was awesome.
Good day, chaplain.
Hey, I was baptized when I was a baby.
Does that stick, or do I need to do that again?
Just do the dishes.
Excuse me, sir.
What's your problem?
Go with it.
My back hurts, I have to go to the bathroom a lot,
my nose hairs keep going, and Hollywood's canceled
the only comedy TV show starring a conservative.
I can live with all that, but my spirit is just failing.
Thank you.
Thanks for brightening up my day.
You're welcome.
Tell us your problem, and we're going to try and fix it.
Sir, what's your problem?
What about my blood pressure?
She wants to know what's wrong.
I'm old.
Flatulence.
What are you two doing?
Why are you sending my kid around the neighborhood
to bother people about what aches them?
These people don't want to talk about their pain.
I know.
I see it every day.
And stop with the supernatural Bible stories
that get her asking questions about
whether or not her father can come back from the dead.
Where do you think you're going?
I'm going to go get dish soap.
Mend your own family.
All right.
Cathy has had the hiccups since 1984.
I'm not so sure I believe that.
Grumpy's back...
Mhm.
...his nose hair, and Hollywood canceled his favorite comedy
show.
Yep.
And Stanley can't hear.
Mhm.
Are you going to tell me what this was all about?
Gonna plant a seed in the garden for everyone and pray for them.
Well, I want to be on the list.
My knees hurt.
OK.
Go for it.
Where's he going?
Lord, bless this soil and this seed
I offer to You in the name of my daughter Jeannie.
Heal her heart.
She's my favorite person in the world.
In the name of Christ, Amen.
You should have a helmet on.
You sound like your mother.
How you doing, honey?
OK, I guess.
Teaching kids keeps me busy.
But you know that.
Kids can fill up a lot of space in one's mind.
What's with the bike?
The bank took my truck.
You'd still have your truck if you'd let mom stay
in the hospital longer.
That's not what she wanted.
She was sick, Dad.
She wasn't thinking right.
She had cancer, Jeannie, not dementia.
She didn't want to die in a hospital.
She died as she wanted, sitting in that old chair looking out
over her garden.
She could have lived longer.
Longer? For who? For us?
It's our job to let them go as they wish.
Oh, is that what you've done?
Or is she still sitting on a shelf somewhere?
I'm working on it.
I'm sorry, Dad.
It's just...
No, I'm sorry.
I could have been a better father.
You're a good dad.
I just hurt so bad.
You have to know Mom is with Jesus.
I just don't see God working in my life right now.
It's time to let go.
That may take a miracle.
Maybe the miracle happens after.
You're not riding home without a helmet.
So that's your garden, huh?
It's just dirt right now. How's Alan?
He's good.
Working hard.
He likes you.
That's a start.
I like you, most of the time.
I'm going to post a picture of your garden to the internet.
The internet is witchcraft.
The internet is whatever you point it at.
I always point it at something good...
like getting young Christians to help an old man move.
See you around, Dad.
Oh hey, Santa.
Question.
Sure.
Yeah, I can do that.
Thanks, Chaplain.
Oh, look at it now.
You ready?
Are you?
Now I am.
I baptize you in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
Buried in the likeness of His death
and raised in the likeness of His Resurrection
to be a new man.
I brought the people for the Christmas story.
Did you bring the list?
Stanley's hearing is bad.
Cathy has the hiccups.
Wow.
Since 1984.
Why are we doing this?
And what's this got to do with the Christmas story?
We're doing this to plant the Word of God
in people who need it.
The Word?
The Word was with God and the Word was God.
Just follow along.
A long time ago, God planted the Word
in a young woman named Mary.
She had a man that then married her named Joseph.
She told him that an angel came to visit her
and said she would give birth to the Son of God.
It was hard for him to believe at first,
until an angel came to him and told him so.
So Joseph committed himself to Mary as her husband.
Norm's spirit is failing.
Oh, he can't have that.
So when it came time for Mary to give birth,
it happened to fall at the same time
that the government wanted people
to be counted by where they lived.
Mary and Joseph had to travel to Bethlehem to be counted.
It was a long hard trip.
And when they reached the town, all the hotels were full.
There was nowhere for them to stay.
Why didn't someone help them?
Well, someone finally did.
Some people felt bad for them and offered them a barn
to stay in.
The Son of God was born in a barn?
Yep.
But Mary and Joseph were very thankful
that they had a place to stay.
It's for my mom.
You are a good person.
That night, shepherds visited the baby, and later a star
guided three wise men from the East to see the baby
Jesus, the King of kings, the One who would save the world.
Why did the world need to be saved?
Because of the first sin, hello.
The fruit that Eve ate with Adam standing right there.
Hello.
Exactly.
That baby would grow up to be Jesus Christ, the greatest
Teacher of love and the Savior to the lost and broken.
This is from Carl.
He has a bad knee.
Dear God, say yes to Carl's knee.
Some people rejected Jesus, so they hung Him on a dead tree
until He died.
However, before He died, He told His followers
He would rise three days later.
And he did.
He's the only man who's ever beaten death.
That's right.
But he's a man that can guide you through this life.
Are you ever going to tell me why Christmas
isn't about getting presents?
The reason we give gifts at Christmas
comes from the story of the wise men...
Oh, good.
Another story.
...who traveled a long hard journey
in order to present Christ with gifts to honor him.
Giving gifts is a symbol of love.
During Christmas, it remind us of the gift of Christ
and our need to give that gift of love to others.
That's why Christmas should be every day.
Yes.
People should behave like every day is Christmas, including me.
Baby Jesus is still missing.
No, it's not.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you!
I wish we had power to light it up.
What now?
We pray for the healing garden.
Here.
How do you pray?
Jesus told us how to pray.
Open it to the red tag.
Read the part highlighted in red.
"Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed?
...be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy
will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive
those who trespass against us, and lead us
not into temptation, but deliver us from evil."
Amen
What does it mean?
It means, show me, God, how to want what you want.
What are these two doing now?
Come on, honey! It's dinner!
Hi, Eddie.
Ho, ho, ho!
Very funny.
Morning, Eddie!
Good morning!
Yes!
Holy-moly!
It's a Christmas miracle.
And it's not even Christmas.
It is now.
It's a miracle!
Come see a miracle!
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Merry Christmas!
Come to the field and see it's a Christmas miracle!
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Merry Christmas!
Come to the field and see it's a Christmas miracle!
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Merry Christmas!
Come to the field and see it's a Christmas miracle!
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Merry Christmas!
Hey!
People on the internet are trying
to get my TV show back on.
And I think my nose hairs have stopped growing.
Great!
I'm happy for you.
I got nothing.
They're real!
How did you do that?
It's an act of God.
He still works.
But you know that.
I owe you an apology.
For what?
I never asked you what your wife was like.
You're looking at her.
You did those Marines right, sir.
Ouch.
Did you tell him?
Tell me what?
I'm going to get her a proper ring.
I'm proud of you.
Yeah!
You better!
OK.
Yes. Yes!
Yes!
Let's have Christmas dinner!
You must have run across the entire state of Colorado
yelling Merry Christmas to get all these people here.
It was on the internet.
You shouldn't be on the internet.
It wasn't me.
It was her.
You did a great thing for these people, dad.
I did it to let your mom go.
Let's eat!
We should pray first.
Just be honest.
Say what's in your heart.
God, thank you for making those seeds grow into flowers
so today can feel special.
Thank you for Baby Jesus.
I know Christmas isn't about getting presents,
but I see someone brought chocolate cake...
...so that's kind of like a present.
So thank you for that, too.
But most of all, God, show us how to want what you want.
Amen.
No, no, no.
Nobody wants to hear me sing.
Yes, we do!
I don't know what to sing.
OK.
But I only know one Christmas song.
It's not Christmas.
Yes, it is!
[SINGING] Deck the hall with boughs
of holly, fala lala la lala la.
'Tis the season to be jolly fala lala la lala la la.
Don we know our gay apparel, fala la lala la la la la.
Troll the ancient Yuletide carol, fala lala la lala la la.
I want you to have this.
There are so many important stories in this book
that you need to learn.
Thank you.
It's the road map to a better life.
It's been proven to work.
Read it every day.
That way, I'll see you again.
What do you mean?
Kid, it's time for me to meet the Jesus
I bumped into long ago.
I'm going to get help!
No.
I want to be with my wife.
[inaudible] but...
It's OK.
It's all right.
Of course.
The knot.
What?
The knot in the tree.
What about it?
Plug the chord into it.
I can't wait for the sequel!
No.
Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull