1
00:00:10,635 --> 00:00:12,053
[Chelsea] Hey. What you reading?
2
00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:15,557
I'm reading Floyd Mayweather's book,
Rich Dad, Woke Dad.
3
00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:17,535
- Wait, Floyd Mayweather wrote a book?
- Mmm-hmm.
4
00:00:17,559 --> 00:00:19,644
Did he accidentally
leave his number in there?
5
00:00:20,228 --> 00:00:22,355
Chels, all right, don't be so thirsty.
6
00:00:23,982 --> 00:00:25,442
You know what? This is great.
7
00:00:25,525 --> 00:00:27,569
As a dad, though, watch how he get down.
8
00:00:27,652 --> 00:00:31,614
As punishment, he makes his son
chauffeur him around in his Bugatti,
9
00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:35,035
and for his daughter's birthday,
got her a tiger.
10
00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:36,119
[hisses]
11
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:39,414
Speaking of daughters,
Sasha off punishment yet?
12
00:00:39,497 --> 00:00:40,957
Mmm-mmm, not for another two years.
13
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,084
- Hey, Aunt Chelsea.
- Hey.
14
00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:45,086
Dad, can I talk to you for a second?
15
00:00:45,170 --> 00:00:48,923
2 Chainz's daughter, Lil Anklet,
is having a sweet 16 party,
16
00:00:49,007 --> 00:00:53,178
and I was wondering, I just thought maybe,
if you could find it in your heart...
17
00:00:53,261 --> 00:00:54,846
You know what, Sash? You can go.
18
00:00:54,929 --> 00:00:56,806
- Damn! I knew you were gonna say this!
- What?
19
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,308
That's not fair! You know I...
20
00:00:58,391 --> 00:01:00,951
- [Chelsea] Girl, he said... Wait.
- No, Sash, I said you could go.
21
00:01:01,519 --> 00:01:04,105
- What?
- Yes, of course you can go.
22
00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:05,774
You know what Floyd said?
23
00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:10,737
Floyd said... [hesitating] "Hey, listen.
Uh, being a father, it's 12 rounds."
24
00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:12,781
"Don't get knocked out in the third."
25
00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:16,034
Aunt Chelsea,
what'd you hit my dad over the head with?
26
00:01:16,117 --> 00:01:18,953
I ain't hit him with nothing,
but Floyd hit him with an uppercut.
27
00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:22,540
Oh, jokes, jokes, jokes.
Listen. Me, Johnny, Pops,
28
00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:25,502
we're going over to The Giggle Gazebo
for some comedy tonight,
29
00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:28,505
so let's say you be back here
at the house at 11:00.
30
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:31,257
Oh, I see you reading
my Floyd Mayweather book.
31
00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:32,967
- Yeah.
- That's a smart guy.
32
00:01:33,051 --> 00:01:34,803
50 said he didn't know how to count.
33
00:01:34,886 --> 00:01:37,889
Floyd said, "That's all right.
I hire people to count for me."
34
00:01:38,681 --> 00:01:40,225
[hesitating]
35
00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,646
♪ We can laugh, we can hang
But don't embarrass me ♪
36
00:01:44,729 --> 00:01:45,563
♪ Oh, no ♪
37
00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:48,566
♪ Please don't say the wrong thing
Dad, don't embarrass me again ♪
38
00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:51,069
♪ We can dance, we can joke
But don't embarrass me ♪
39
00:01:51,152 --> 00:01:51,986
♪ Oh, no ♪
40
00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:54,280
♪ Don't embarrass me
Please, Dad, don't embarrass me ♪
41
00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:57,200
♪ I know that you mean well
But don't be so foul ♪
42
00:01:57,283 --> 00:02:00,537
♪ When I'm hangin' with my friends
Please don't be actin' wild ♪
43
00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:02,789
♪ Dad, don't you embarrass me ♪
44
00:02:02,872 --> 00:02:03,974
[announcer]All right, Hotlanta.
45
00:02:03,998 --> 00:02:06,292
And now, coming to
The Giggle Gazebo stage,
46
00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:10,505
he's never had a special,
but he does use his mama's Netflix,
47
00:02:10,588 --> 00:02:16,302
give it up for your host, Quickie Jenkins!
48
00:02:16,386 --> 00:02:19,180
- [hip-hop instrumental music playing]
- [crowd cheering]
49
00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:21,391
Oh! What's up, gigglets?
50
00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:22,517
[audience laughing]
51
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:23,643
This is a beautiful crowd.
52
00:02:23,726 --> 00:02:25,645
All my brothers
and sisters in the building.
53
00:02:25,728 --> 00:02:27,522
All right, Latino brother. Stay with me.
54
00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:30,316
Oh, shit. White guy.
55
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:32,902
Oh, yeah, pick on the white guy!
56
00:02:33,903 --> 00:02:36,531
Hey, hey, hey, man!
57
00:02:36,614 --> 00:02:38,074
Why you gotta pick on the white guy?
58
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,451
Know what I'm saying?
Pick on somebody your own color.
59
00:02:40,535 --> 00:02:42,579
Why you taking up for the colonizer?
60
00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:46,374
Why do they call you Quickie?
61
00:02:46,457 --> 00:02:49,002
Because of your sex life
or the length of your career?
62
00:02:49,085 --> 00:02:50,670
[crowd exclaims]
63
00:02:50,753 --> 00:02:52,505
Oh, okay. You got jokes.
64
00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:56,050
Okay. All right, look here, uh, boy.
65
00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,636
- What do you do for a living, man?
- I'm a cop.
66
00:02:58,720 --> 00:02:59,888
[crowd gasps]
67
00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:02,140
But my body cam
won't be able to grab all of you.
68
00:03:02,223 --> 00:03:04,601
It only shoots in 4K, not 4 ton.
69
00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:07,187
Put the light on him.
70
00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,397
So you think you so damn funny,
71
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:12,650
why don't you bring your ass back
here on open-mic night on Thursday?
72
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:15,570
Okay, maybe I will.
This show could certainly use some comedy.
73
00:03:16,112 --> 00:03:17,238
[crowd] Ooh!
74
00:03:17,322 --> 00:03:18,573
And bring your mama with you.
75
00:03:18,656 --> 00:03:20,617
I'm pretty sure
she's as ugly as you are. [laughs]
76
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:27,290
Whatever y'all want to drink tonight,
it's on me.
77
00:03:27,373 --> 00:03:28,373
Uh, Manny, you got this?
78
00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:29,918
You still owe me from the club.
79
00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:31,461
You know I got you, man.
80
00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:37,508
Yo, J, man, you serious about going on
at The Giggle Gazebo on Thursday?
81
00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:39,344
Because I'm telling you, you got jokes.
82
00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:43,264
[imitating Bill Clinton] I did not have
sexual relations with that woman.
83
00:03:43,348 --> 00:03:44,891
[laughing]
84
00:03:46,017 --> 00:03:48,144
That would be funny if it was 1994.
85
00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:52,440
Hey, Johnny, being a comic
is much harder than being a cop.
86
00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:54,442
First of all, you gotta have tough skin,
87
00:03:54,525 --> 00:03:56,986
and you gotta know
how to de-escalate a situation.
88
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,405
Most important of all,
you gotta be quick on your feet.
89
00:03:59,489 --> 00:04:01,574
[in normal voice]
Man, I'm always quick on my feet.
90
00:04:01,658 --> 00:04:04,619
Let me ask y'all something.
How come they don't have black cheddar?
91
00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:08,498
[man] Put the money in the bag
or this shit's gonna get ugly!
92
00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:12,377
I bet underneath that mask it already is.
93
00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:14,462
And we don't have
any money in the register.
94
00:04:14,545 --> 00:04:17,840
Well, give me seven lottery tickets,
and make 'em Quick Picks.
95
00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:19,133
[whimpers]
96
00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:22,303
I'm taking this bag of Ruffles, too.
And give me a receipt.
97
00:04:23,388 --> 00:04:26,599
Damn it, Johnny!
Do something! Ain't you packing?
98
00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:28,518
That's kind of personal, don't you think?
99
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,980
If you don't stop bullshitting
and shoot this bastard in his ass
100
00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:33,940
before he shoots up
the whole goddamn store...
101
00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:34,857
Go on!
102
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:35,984
All right!
103
00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:38,820
Tell Zia that I love her.
104
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:40,238
- I'll cover you.
- Yeah.
105
00:04:44,909 --> 00:04:46,077
Freeze! Police!
106
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,578
What? Who are you?
107
00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:49,247
Who am I?
108
00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:52,250
[imitating Jason Statham]
Eh, let me ask you something.
109
00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:54,669
Do you feel lucky, punk?
110
00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:58,464
Johnny, are you doing
Jason Statham or Clint Eastwood?
111
00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:00,651
[in normal voice]
I'm Jason Statham doing Clint Eastwood.
112
00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:01,759
Pause!
113
00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:02,677
Shut up!
114
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,013
If you're a cop,
you don't have a uniform on,
115
00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:07,056
and that means you're an off-duty cop,
116
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,392
which means
you don't have no bullets in that gun.
117
00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:11,477
So, yeah, I am feeling lucky.
118
00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:19,444
Oh! They shootin'! They shootin'!
119
00:05:20,194 --> 00:05:22,655
- [screams] They shootin'!
- Dad!
120
00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:24,741
Daddy! Daddy!
121
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:28,119
[grunts] Oh, I feel so cold.
122
00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:30,455
Daddy, that's 'cause
you in the refrigerator.
123
00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:32,040
Oh.
124
00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:36,377
Well, in that case,
let me get one of these Vitamin Waters.
125
00:05:38,087 --> 00:05:41,299
You totally had that guy.
Why the hell did you let him get away?
126
00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:43,092
He was right.
127
00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:45,511
I don't have any bullets in my gun.
128
00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:46,596
See?
129
00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:53,811
Oh, shit. I almost put that
in my mouth to show you guys.
130
00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:01,444
Shame that robber got away.
131
00:06:01,527 --> 00:06:04,947
Yeah, I ain't seen a white boy
run that fast since Caitlyn was Bruce.
132
00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:08,159
Oh... [exclaims]
Come on, Pops. You can't talk like that.
133
00:06:08,242 --> 00:06:10,912
- You shut up! It's your house. I'm...
- He could be in here!
134
00:06:10,995 --> 00:06:14,791
- What is going on, Sasha?
- Hey, Dad.
135
00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:17,960
I would have thought
that you'd be upstairs, asleep by now.
136
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:20,671
Yeah, I know.
I tried to text you but my phone died.
137
00:06:20,755 --> 00:06:21,964
- [phone chimes]
- Oh, really?
138
00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:25,885
Oh, and she was
talking to this really cute boy.
139
00:06:25,968 --> 00:06:28,805
Ooh! His waves made us seasick.
140
00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:30,139
Girl, if you don't shut up...
141
00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:33,559
Well, I better go.
142
00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:34,811
See you tomorrow, Sash.
143
00:06:36,729 --> 00:06:39,023
[sighs] Look, Dad,
I know you're probably gonna
144
00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:40,167
put me on punishment again,
145
00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:41,442
but here's my phone,
146
00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:44,112
I'll go get my Mac, my iPad,
whatever you want.
147
00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:45,756
- You know what, Sash?
- [Sasha] Come on.
148
00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:47,698
Normally I would have
went James Evans on you.
149
00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:50,201
[imitating James Evans]
Florida, now, I'm tired now!
150
00:06:50,284 --> 00:06:53,329
[in normal voice]
But instead... I'mma do Floyd.
151
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:55,581
[hesitating] First of all,
I'm just happy you here.
152
00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:57,083
I'm happy... I'm happy you safe.
153
00:06:57,166 --> 00:06:58,418
I'm glad you made it home.
154
00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:01,337
So just go upstairs
and we'll discuss it in the morning.
155
00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:06,026
- Okay. Good night, Dad.
- [in normal voice] Good night, loved one.
156
00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:07,844
- [Sasha] Night, Pops.
- Good night.
157
00:07:08,553 --> 00:07:10,596
What kind of punk-ass parenting is that?
158
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,723
Hey... Oh, got it.
159
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:14,142
Hey, Sash, you forgot your...
160
00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:18,563
Am I the type of daddy that will
go through his daughter's backpack?
161
00:07:18,646 --> 00:07:21,149
No, but I'm the
type of granddaddy that would.
162
00:07:23,526 --> 00:07:25,528
A fake ID.
163
00:07:26,737 --> 00:07:29,699
Fake ID? Who in the hell is Tori Mitchell?
164
00:07:30,491 --> 00:07:32,660
Your daughter got a fake ID?
165
00:07:32,743 --> 00:07:34,996
That girl is into some shit.
166
00:07:35,079 --> 00:07:37,290
I hope Floyd wrote a chapter on that.
167
00:07:37,373 --> 00:07:38,875
Stick and move!
168
00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:40,293
[grunting]
169
00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:45,465
Uh, you know what? Maybe she was
just trying to get a beer or something.
170
00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:46,549
She's a good girl.
171
00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:48,801
Bullshit. Now, this is one of two things.
172
00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:50,720
- It's either guns or drugs.
- Oh, come on.
173
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:53,890
Now, she's either shooting or shooting up,
or she's on that pole.
174
00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:55,613
- Pole?
- You know what I'm talking about.
175
00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:58,644
- She's riding that pole. [grunting]
- Oh, come on, man.
176
00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,438
[shushes] She's gonna hear us.
177
00:08:00,521 --> 00:08:02,332
- You know they get paranoid on that shit.
- Mmm-hmm.
178
00:08:02,356 --> 00:08:05,526
Listen. Guys, you...
All of y'all are trippin'.
179
00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,820
It's not like
she's ever done anything illegal.
180
00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:10,656
Well, if she comes down
these stairs looking for snacks,
181
00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:12,426
- you got yourself a real problem.
- [Chelsea] Hmm.
182
00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:13,993
Good morning, everyone.
183
00:08:14,076 --> 00:08:17,079
Actually, it's not morning.
It's 2:00 p.m. You're just waking up?
184
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:18,998
Yeah, I know.
I'm just headed to the store.
185
00:08:19,081 --> 00:08:20,333
Oh, nice. For what?
186
00:08:20,416 --> 00:08:24,003
Chili Cheese Fritos,
Ding Dongs, pretzels and a pickle.
187
00:08:24,086 --> 00:08:25,713
[all] Hmm.
188
00:08:25,796 --> 00:08:27,131
Snacks!
189
00:08:27,798 --> 00:08:31,427
Looks like you got
a classic case of the munchies.
190
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,804
What are you gonna wash it down with?
191
00:08:33,888 --> 00:08:35,348
I was thinking maybe an iced tea.
192
00:08:35,431 --> 00:08:37,183
[all] Hmm.
193
00:08:37,266 --> 00:08:40,144
It wouldn't happen to be
from Long Island, would it?
194
00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:41,979
No, I think it's from Arizona.
195
00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:44,273
[all] Hmm!
196
00:08:45,441 --> 00:08:46,776
Uh...
197
00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:49,862
Okay... Bye.
198
00:08:52,114 --> 00:08:53,324
No, you guys got it all wrong.
199
00:08:53,407 --> 00:08:54,534
No, we got it all right.
200
00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:56,953
I know when somebody's
hooked on that booger sugar.
201
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:59,622
- [scoffs]
- Guys, turn on FOX 5.
202
00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:00,581
Why?
203
00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:03,292
It's the worst moment
of my life, on national TV.
204
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:05,169
Actually, FOX 5 is a local channel.
205
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,797
[reporter] We've heard about
the Cowardly Lion,
206
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,049
but what about the Cowardly Cop?
207
00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:12,760
The community of Norcross is shaken up
208
00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:15,513
after a convenience store
was robbed last night,
209
00:09:15,596 --> 00:09:19,016
where it was revealed that an off-duty cop
210
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:21,060
failed to stop the suspect.
211
00:09:21,143 --> 00:09:24,272
At first, I was like, "Cool, cool, cool!"
212
00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:26,065
"There's an off-duty cop in here!"
213
00:09:26,148 --> 00:09:31,612
But then I was like,
"Oh, snap! He's a bigger bitch than I am!"
214
00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:33,573
Hey, special shout-out to my mama.
215
00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:35,157
I'mma call you later, okay?
216
00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:38,119
Can you believe this?
217
00:09:38,202 --> 00:09:40,830
How am I the only cop
in trouble for not shooting someone?
218
00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:43,541
Listen, you're gonna be all right,
but we got other trouble.
219
00:09:43,624 --> 00:09:44,624
Take a look at this.
220
00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:46,460
Who's Tori Mitchell?
221
00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:49,630
"Who's Tori Mitchell?"
Exactly, Paul Blart.
222
00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:52,049
It's a fake ID.
And if Sasha has a fake ID,
223
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:53,718
that means Zia has one as well.
224
00:09:53,801 --> 00:09:54,927
This could be really bad.
225
00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:56,804
We gotta find out
what's going on with her.
226
00:09:59,181 --> 00:10:01,517
- Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
- [Chelsea] Huh?
227
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:04,604
There's only one way to find out
what's going on with Sasha...
228
00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:07,106
if that even is her real name.
229
00:10:07,189 --> 00:10:08,524
- Waterboarding?
- No.
230
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:10,735
A full-panel drug test.
231
00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:13,446
Get me some of her hair,
I'll get it to my guy in the lab.
232
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:15,948
You better do it quick 'cause...
233
00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:18,326
[all] You about to lose your job.
234
00:10:18,409 --> 00:10:19,577
[Brian]
♪ Hey, hey ♪
235
00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:26,250
[door creaking]
236
00:10:35,843 --> 00:10:38,346
[door creaking]
237
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:50,858
- [toy squeaking]
- [gasps]
238
00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:15,173
[Brian] What the freak?
239
00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:23,431
[sighs]
240
00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:33,984
That's too much.
241
00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:35,903
[laughing]
242
00:11:35,986 --> 00:11:39,615
Jaden Smith, you so smooth.
243
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:43,244
- [trash can rattles]
- [grunts]
244
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:56,966
[whispering] Ain't this a bitch?
245
00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:05,391
[door creaking]
246
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:07,892
[gasps]
247
00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:15,860
I got good news and bad news.
What do you want first?
248
00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:17,153
What's up?
249
00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:19,447
The bad news
is the whole Cowardly Cop thing
250
00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:20,948
- has really blown up.
- Okay.
251
00:12:21,031 --> 00:12:23,409
The Shade Room picked up the story.
252
00:12:23,492 --> 00:12:25,369
Hey, man, look, I'm sorry about that,
253
00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:27,580
but could you forward that to me?
[clicks tongue]
254
00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:30,207
I'm just messing with you.
How you feeling? You okay?
255
00:12:30,291 --> 00:12:32,918
Actually... yeah.
256
00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:35,045
You know,
I'm glad I didn't shoot that guy.
257
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:38,466
I've been on the force for ten years,
but I'm basically a desk cop.
258
00:12:38,549 --> 00:12:41,844
I've never discharged my weapon,
except for at the firing range.
259
00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:43,763
Well, maybe you haven't fired your weapon,
260
00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:46,056
but they sure gonna fire your ass, hmm.
261
00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:49,852
They're not gonna fire me,
but they are investigating the incident.
262
00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:51,979
- You want the good news?
- What's the good news?
263
00:12:52,062 --> 00:12:53,397
We got Sasha's test results back.
264
00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:55,274
I knew it! She's not Brian's.
265
00:12:55,357 --> 00:12:58,235
They got the same big-ass head,
but she's way smarter than him.
266
00:12:59,737 --> 00:13:03,365
No! We got back
the hair toxicology report.
267
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:04,992
She tested positive!
268
00:13:05,075 --> 00:13:06,076
[exclaims]
269
00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:08,037
Johnny, that's not good.
270
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:09,121
Positive ain't good.
271
00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:10,289
Oh.
272
00:13:10,372 --> 00:13:11,999
Then I guess it's two bad newseses.
273
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,420
So, what did they find?
274
00:13:18,214 --> 00:13:22,843
Cocaine? Heroin? MDMA? Marijuana?
275
00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:25,888
Vicodin? And wine coolers?
276
00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:29,099
My baby's a junkie!
277
00:13:31,018 --> 00:13:33,020
Yeah, them wine coolers will kill you.
278
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:39,276
Listen. Because you know
what she's gonna do.
279
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:41,654
She's gonna deny, deny, deny.
280
00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:46,283
But we are prepared for it.
281
00:13:48,035 --> 00:13:49,912
Oh, are we playing Duck, Duck, Goose?
282
00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:51,747
[all] God damn it.
283
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:52,915
Can I be the goose?
284
00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:54,124
[imperceptible]
285
00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:56,001
Here she is.
286
00:13:57,127 --> 00:13:59,797
Hey. What's everyone doing?
287
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,507
Hi, my Sasha. Honey, come here.
288
00:14:01,590 --> 00:14:02,424
Hey.
289
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:04,093
[voice breaking] Give me a hug.
290
00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:05,928
You... you can let go now.
291
00:14:07,596 --> 00:14:10,307
[imitating Tangina Barrons]
This child is clean.
292
00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:12,309
- [in normal voice] Now, sit down.
- Okay.
293
00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:14,979
[chuckles] Dad, what... What's going on?
294
00:14:15,062 --> 00:14:15,938
You tell me, Sash.
295
00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:17,690
I just want to let you know something.
296
00:14:17,773 --> 00:14:19,668
[imitating Michael Corleone]
I knew it was you, Sash.
297
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:20,943
You broke my heart.
298
00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:26,574
Okay...
299
00:14:26,657 --> 00:14:29,285
Aunt Chelsea, maybe you can explain?
300
00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:30,744
This is what we call...
301
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:32,621
An intervention.
302
00:14:33,789 --> 00:14:35,666
Oh, is this about
how much I'm on my phone?
303
00:14:35,749 --> 00:14:37,751
Please don't take my phone away again.
304
00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:40,212
It's not just your phone you're on.
305
00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:44,758
[in normal voice] I've seen it
in the movies, like New Jack City.
306
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:47,344
Mmm-hmm, but I never thought
it would happen in my own house.
307
00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:48,470
I am disappointed in you.
308
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:50,222
What are you talking about?
309
00:14:50,848 --> 00:14:54,935
[clears throat]
"Sasha, when I was your age,
310
00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:56,270
I did some shit."
311
00:14:56,353 --> 00:14:59,481
- [Brian] Hmm.
- [chuckles] Them two know I did some shit.
312
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:03,736
[sighs] "But you are my niece,
and you can't be doing this to yourself."
313
00:15:03,819 --> 00:15:06,238
- I love you so much.
- [Pops] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
314
00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:07,781
- I love you.
- We all love you.
315
00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:10,409
- You don't get it...
- [in Spanish] Manny, turn on the light!
316
00:15:11,785 --> 00:15:13,203
[in English] Now, look here.
317
00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:16,040
You ain't gonna run
your little game on me,
318
00:15:16,123 --> 00:15:18,208
'cause I'm not your daddy.
319
00:15:18,959 --> 00:15:22,671
This OG Pops you're talking to,
and I know about them streets.
320
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:27,426
I been running all up
in them bad boys since 1967.
321
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,429
I understand the young people of today.
322
00:15:30,512 --> 00:15:31,847
I'm in your generation.
323
00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:38,687
You out there hip-hopping
and cabbage-patching, doing the Dougie!
324
00:15:40,147 --> 00:15:41,273
Who's your supplier?
325
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:43,776
I think my family's on drugs.
326
00:15:44,568 --> 00:15:47,071
Uh, okay, I don't know
what y'all are talking about,
327
00:15:47,154 --> 00:15:48,530
but I'm just gonna go to my room.
328
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:50,294
Oh, no, sweetie.
This is for your own good.
329
00:15:50,324 --> 00:15:52,201
- What?
- Yes, down there.
330
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:54,745
Pops, read what you have prepared,
331
00:15:54,828 --> 00:15:56,538
'cause you're
the patriarch of this family.
332
00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:58,415
[Pops breathing deeply]
333
00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:03,379
[voice breaking]
I just wanna tell you, baby girl...
334
00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:05,631
[coughs] Um...
335
00:16:06,256 --> 00:16:08,342
[sniffles] Uh...
336
00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:13,389
"Need... two... egg rolls,
337
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:16,433
Kung Pao chicken, brown rice..."
338
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,394
Damn it, this is the wrong piece of paper.
339
00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:20,604
I'm just gonna do it off the dome.
340
00:16:21,188 --> 00:16:23,482
Get your life together!
341
00:16:23,565 --> 00:16:26,110
And none of my stuff
better not come up missing!
342
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:30,072
All right, Zia, you're up.
343
00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:31,781
Okay.
344
00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:34,535
Duck. Duck.
345
00:16:35,619 --> 00:16:37,121
[chuckles] Goose!
346
00:16:38,622 --> 00:16:40,290
That's her supplier, right there.
347
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:43,627
Brian, I need to talk to you.
348
00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:47,089
Sash... God bless you.
349
00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:51,802
So I got good news and bad news.
350
00:16:51,885 --> 00:16:54,680
The bad news is I've been
suspended from the force
351
00:16:54,763 --> 00:16:56,724
by the chief
for the whole Cowardly Cop thing.
352
00:16:57,433 --> 00:17:00,310
But the good news is Sasha's
as clean as the Board of Health.
353
00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:02,396
- What?
- Yeah, turns out some of the guys
354
00:17:02,479 --> 00:17:05,315
at the lab were playing a trick on me
for the Cowardly Cop thing.
355
00:17:05,399 --> 00:17:06,692
So she ain't on nothing?
356
00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:10,320
[laughing]
357
00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:15,284
Oh, boy! Oh. We love to play games
and charades and stuff like that.
358
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:17,619
Uh, look,
hated to waste everybody's Saturday.
359
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:19,455
How about we go to dinner, on me, hmm?
360
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:21,081
So she ain't on that shit?
361
00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:23,876
What... I'm not on anything.
What did you guys think?
362
00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:25,210
We thought you was on drugs.
363
00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:26,587
Are you serious?
364
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:29,339
It's my fault.
365
00:17:29,423 --> 00:17:32,384
I went through
your backpack and I found your fake ID,
366
00:17:32,468 --> 00:17:35,345
and I did
what any thoughtful father would do.
367
00:17:35,429 --> 00:17:36,764
I took a little bit of your hair,
368
00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:39,975
gave it to my cop friend
and he ran a toxicology report.
369
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:42,436
I got that fake ID so that I could vote.
370
00:17:42,519 --> 00:17:44,980
Look, I know that it's wrong
but I want to see change.
371
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,440
[exclaims] That's some bullshit.
372
00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:48,817
Mmm-mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm.
373
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,695
- Okay, fine. I also bought one beer.
- [Pops] Hmm.
374
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:52,779
No big deal.
375
00:17:52,821 --> 00:17:55,365
She bought a beer,
there was a little voter fraud, okay?
376
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:56,366
It's all good.
377
00:17:56,450 --> 00:17:58,285
Mmm-mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm.
378
00:17:58,994 --> 00:18:02,706
I am disgusted by all of you. Hmm?
379
00:18:03,624 --> 00:18:05,542
I think I left the weed whacker on.
380
00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:10,005
I would expect
something like this from my dad
381
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:13,592
'cause he's always
embarrassing me, but you, Aunt Chels?
382
00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:15,260
- I'm sorry.
- And you, Pops?
383
00:18:15,344 --> 00:18:17,763
Here I was
thinking I was your little angel.
384
00:18:17,846 --> 00:18:20,474
Baby, we thought
you was on that Blue Magic,
385
00:18:20,557 --> 00:18:23,477
eating up everything in the house
and dressing like Eddie King Jr.
386
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:24,603
Like who?
387
00:18:24,686 --> 00:18:27,815
Well... Look, I think
this worked out for everybody.
388
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:30,859
I see Manny needs me
to help him with the weed...
389
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,570
Uh-uh, you ain't getting out of this.
Hold it right there.
390
00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:37,699
I don't know what in your right mind
would make you think
391
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:40,494
for even a second that I would
be dumb enough to get caught up
392
00:18:40,577 --> 00:18:41,995
in some nonsense like drugs.
393
00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:45,040
I didn't even make it
past the first episode of Breaking Bad.
394
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,126
Look, Sash, we was just worried. I mean...
395
00:18:47,209 --> 00:18:48,544
No. It's my turn to talk.
396
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:51,922
[scoffs] You know, I don't know
what kind of daughter
397
00:18:52,005 --> 00:18:53,382
you think that you're raising,
398
00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:56,301
and I don't know
where you get some stupid idea from.
399
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:58,679
I'm gonna go help
Manny with the weed whacker,
400
00:18:58,762 --> 00:19:00,264
but I'mma use the front door.
401
00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:03,433
Let's... Sash, babe, we're trying to...
402
00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:05,644
No, no, no, no. It's my turn to talk.
403
00:19:05,727 --> 00:19:07,437
Embarrassing me at yoga?
404
00:19:07,521 --> 00:19:09,731
You even took me to a sex therapist!
405
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:11,817
- What?
- You took that girl to a sex...
406
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:13,402
It's a long story.
407
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:15,195
Interesting, though, but a long one.
408
00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:21,076
[sighs] And despite all that,
I still find it in my heart to love you.
409
00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:26,832
[wailing]
410
00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:35,465
Daddy, after all of this,
411
00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:39,553
I still find it in my heart to love you.
412
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,097
[wailing]
413
00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:57,487
See, Dad? I told you
my fake ID would come in handy.
414
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,365
Yes, and it's the last time
you'll be using this thing.
415
00:20:00,449 --> 00:20:04,620
- [sighs]
- Let me get a velvet chocolate sprinkle
416
00:20:04,703 --> 00:20:07,664
Armani flowered martini, thank you.
417
00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:10,584
That is a bitch drink
if I ever heard of one.
418
00:20:10,667 --> 00:20:12,961
Bring us two bourbons
and set them bitches on fire.
419
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,840
Johnny looks nervous.
I hope he don't choke.
420
00:20:16,924 --> 00:20:19,927
[announcer] Okay, just a reminder,
the kitchen is about to close,
421
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:21,887
so don't forget to order
your chicken basket.
422
00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:26,516
Now, back to your host
with the most on his plate
423
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:30,437
and in his belly, Quickie Jenkins!
424
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:31,855
[all cheering]
425
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:34,315
Whose house?
426
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:35,776
Quickie's house!
427
00:20:35,859 --> 00:20:36,902
Damn right.
428
00:20:36,985 --> 00:20:40,572
All right, now it's time to bring up
our last comic on New Booty Night.
429
00:20:40,656 --> 00:20:43,158
You may have seen him
on TV as the Cowardly Cop,
430
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:45,577
or maybe at your local 7-Eleven
playing possum.
431
00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:46,828
[crowd exclaiming]
432
00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:48,872
Put your hands together
and show some love,
433
00:20:48,956 --> 00:20:50,666
or not, for Johnny Williams.
434
00:20:50,749 --> 00:20:51,749
[cheering]
435
00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:54,419
Go, Dad!
436
00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:00,759
- Yeah.
- [indistinct shouting]
437
00:21:00,842 --> 00:21:03,720
- Hey, everybody.
- Come on, J.
438
00:21:04,554 --> 00:21:06,848
So. um... [clicks tongue]
439
00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:10,477
A Black guy, a white guy and a Latino guy
440
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:12,104
walk into a convenience store.
441
00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:15,607
Let me guess, the white guy
got scared by a bag of chips? [laughs]
442
00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:18,360
Uh-uh. Don't let him punk you out
like this. Dad, you got this!
443
00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:20,946
No, you don't. No, you don't. [laughs]
444
00:21:22,322 --> 00:21:24,002
- [Brian] Come on, J.
- [Zia] You got this.
445
00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:25,909
- Come on.
- He's freezing up.
446
00:21:25,993 --> 00:21:28,036
He's freezing like a Stouffer's TV dinner.
447
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:29,496
[Zia] Come on, Dad. You got this.
448
00:21:29,579 --> 00:21:32,958
Yo, J, go Jason Statham on him.
449
00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:35,377
[imperceptible]
450
00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:41,249
[imitating Jason Statham]
All right, you bloody geezer.
451
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:42,300
Yes!
452
00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:43,969
Yes!
453
00:21:44,052 --> 00:21:45,762
I'm gonna tell you something right now.
454
00:21:45,846 --> 00:21:47,306
You need to unbutton that vest,
455
00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:50,934
because I can hear your buttons
screaming from here, you fat gopher.
456
00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:52,894
[audience exclaiming]
457
00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:55,814
J! J, J, J! Hit him with the Obama!
458
00:21:56,606 --> 00:21:58,942
[imitating Barack Obama]
Uh, let me be clear.
459
00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:00,610
Uh...
460
00:22:01,236 --> 00:22:03,447
You, uh, look
like that little blueberry girl
461
00:22:03,530 --> 00:22:05,324
from the Willy Wonka movie in that suit.
462
00:22:06,575 --> 00:22:08,553
- Yo! That's what I'm talking...
- [Sasha] Keep going!
463
00:22:08,577 --> 00:22:10,245
Yo, what would Seth Rogen say to him?
464
00:22:10,829 --> 00:22:12,414
[laughing]
465
00:22:12,497 --> 00:22:15,018
[imitating Seth Rogen] I, uh...
I am, uh... I am so stoned right now,
466
00:22:15,042 --> 00:22:17,627
but, uh, I would love
to take, uh, a rest on you,
467
00:22:17,711 --> 00:22:19,713
'cause you look like a beanbag chair.
468
00:22:19,796 --> 00:22:21,340
[crowd laughing]
469
00:22:22,924 --> 00:22:24,968
Johnny, do Bernie Mac!
470
00:22:25,052 --> 00:22:26,053
[Chelsea] Oh, my God.
471
00:22:26,136 --> 00:22:27,936
[imitating Bernie Mac]
Listen, son of a bitch.
472
00:22:29,056 --> 00:22:31,475
[speaking gibberish] I tell you...
Look, it's the sandman.
473
00:22:31,558 --> 00:22:33,352
I tell you a thing about...
474
00:22:33,435 --> 00:22:35,228
[speaking gibberish]
475
00:22:39,649 --> 00:22:42,128
[in normal voice] That's my time.
I'm Johnny Williams. Thank you!
476
00:22:42,152 --> 00:22:45,030
[crowd cheering and whistling]
477
00:22:47,074 --> 00:22:48,784
- [Pops] Johnny!
- [Sasha] That was...
478
00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:51,453
J, you killed that, man.
I mean, you killed it.
479
00:22:51,536 --> 00:22:53,416
What you like better,
being a cop or a comedian?
480
00:22:53,497 --> 00:22:55,290
Man, for the first time in my life,
481
00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:58,460
I feel like I was doing
what I was supposed to be doing, you know?
482
00:22:58,543 --> 00:23:01,338
Finally people were laughing with me
and not at me.
483
00:23:01,421 --> 00:23:03,840
- Hey, a toast. A toast to new beginnings.
- Yes.
484
00:23:03,924 --> 00:23:05,467
[Chelsea] Yes. New beginnings!
485
00:23:05,550 --> 00:23:06,861
- New beginnings!
- [all cheering]
486
00:23:06,885 --> 00:23:08,678
Put that down or it'll be an ending.
487
00:23:08,762 --> 00:23:10,847
All right. Johnny! Johnny!
488
00:23:10,931 --> 00:23:13,183
[all chanting] Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!