'It is now five days since the Labour MP John Stonehouse
'disappeared off this beach in Florida...'
I just wondered if you'd... heard anything?
Nothing at all, I'm afraid.
We have reason to suppose that this isn't your real name.
Who's Dums, Joe?
We can't have one of our MPs faking his own death
and then reappearing on the other side of the world!
He is our majority, Betty. He has to be made to see sense.
Maybe it was me you, er, you really wanted to get away from?
No, of course not!
How marvellous to see you both!
I thought we were going to be together! The two of us!
It's just a few details to iron out.
John Stonehouse, I have an order for your extradition
to the United Kingdom to face 15 charges of forgery, theft and fraud.
So as you know, Mr Stonehouse, this programme is about people
who have gone missing in mysterious circumstances.
Now, it's possible that some of our viewers might not know who you are.
Really? Do you think so?
It is possible.
So it's very important to tell your story
as simply and clearly as you can.
Simply. Clearly.
Got it.
Mr Stonehouse! Mr Stonehouse!
How does it feel to be finally out on bail, Mr Stonehouse?
I have no complaints about the way I've been treated.
No, my accommodation was quite satisfactory
and the food unexpectedly nutritious.
What I-What I would take issue with, though, is the, erm...
is the way in which my applications for bail have been repeatedly denied
in a manner in which I can only conclude as, erm,
politically motivated.
It was the... It was the humbug and hypocrisy
that I witnessed in politics that caused my breakdown,
and now it's that hypocrisy and humbug
that is trying to deny me now a fair hearing. Thank you.
Did you have a message you'd like to send to the public?
Wake up, England!
Thank you.
Hello, darling.
Welcome home. Welcome home. Welcome home, Dad.
Oh, thank you! Oh, Lord! Look at that!
Look at that. That's wonderful.
Ah! Wonderful to be back.
Erm, yes, even-even though it took an absurdly long time to-to...
to sort out the, er,
the-the misunderstandings surrounding my case,
it... I have to say,
I found the experience extraordinarily interesting.
Talking to people, as one does, and lending an ear,
it became obvious that-that-that a lot of them, the vast majority,
I daresay, don't deserve to be in prison.
They don't deserve it.
They're there through no fault of their own,
and through an unfortunate series of...of...of...
Misunderstandings? Misunderstandings.
Exactly so!
'Demonstrations are currently being held up and down the country.
'In other news: Six weeks after his sensational return
'to the UK, MP John Stonehouse was released on bail from Brixton prison
'this morning,
'effectively holding the fate of the Government in his hands.'
Just like old times.
Not quite.
I know the conditions of your bail
forbid you from seeing Sheila Buckley,
but let me make my position perfectly clear.
You are not to see her again, either now or in the future,
in or outside of work.
Is that understood?
Absolutely!
One hundred percent.
Hm.
I think I'm just going to pop out for a quick stroll,
if you don't mind? Just to clear my head.
Hm.
I just don't know what the best thing to do is.
I know people are saying that he's making a laughing stock of us.
All of us.
I just want to do whatever possible to keep the family together,
try to act normally, no matter how abnormal the situation is.
Well, that's very reassuring.
Thank you.
No, it-it means a lot, really.
All right, well, er... better go.
Speak soon.
Bye.
Good morning, darling!
Oh!
The Ayes to the right, three hundred and sixteen.
The Noes to the left, three hundred and sixteen.
The Ayes to the right, three hundred and sixteen.
The Noes to the left, three hundred and sixteen.
Order. Order!
That's the second time in a week that Stonehouse has defied the whips
and missed the vote, Prime Minister.
Prime Minister?
Tell me, Betty...
do you ever wonder what happens...
afterwards?
Afterwards, Prime Minister?
You know, Goodnight Vienna and all that.
Do the lucky ones, or the virtuous ones, really go to a better place?
Do you mean the House of Lords, Prime Minister?
Maybe I do, Betty. Maybe I do.
John Stonehouse, Prime Minister...
If he misses another vote,
then the Tories could table a motion of no confidence,
and if that happens, we'll be well and truly...
I know exactly where we'll be, Betty.
Let me see if I've got this straight.
In order to stay in power,
we need the support of someone who's either off his rocker
or pretending to be off his rocker, or else sufficiently off his rocker
not to be able to tell whether he's really off his rocker or not.
There, does that about cover it?
Yes.
It's time to bring the awkward sod back to heel.
Hello, darling.
You're late.
Well, you know what it's like when you, er...
meet old chums and start, er... chatting away and...
..chewing the fat.
Time flies, so...
Just, er...
..clear my head.
Yes, of course you're scared, darling. That's perfectly natural.
No, I don't expect you to wait indefinitely. Absolutely not.
No, no, no. It's just a matter of timing.
'Darling. Hello? Are you there?'
Yes.
'Oh, it's all right. I thought we'd been cut off.'
I miss my Dums...
'I miss my Dums, too.
'Terribly. Terribly. It's like an ache.'
What sort of an ache?
Just a...
Just a sort of all-over sort of ache.
I miss the touch of you.
'Feeling you beside me.
'Your arms wrapped around me.'
Do you?
'Mmm.'
And I miss the things you do to me.
What-What sort of things?
The way you make me forget myself.
Do I?
You know you do.
'Just be patient, my love.'
Just for a little while longer.
I promise you, nothing can stand in our way.
Bye. Bye, darling. Bye. Bye.
Before I call upon
the Right Honourable Gentleman for Walsall North
to make a personal statement, I want to make one thing clear.
In light of his particular circumstances,
he must stick to the wording of his prepared statement.
I will not tolerate any deviations.
I am very grateful, Mr Speaker, for agreeing to my request.
The, erm...
The events surrounding my disappearance
have caused a great deal of press interest.
Erm... enormous press interest...
all round the world, and I feel I owe it to the House
to offer an explanation for my... my behaviour.
In the latter half of last year,
I suffered a complete mental breakdown.
This breakdown was analysed by an eminent psychologist in Australia
and described by her as a form of emotional suicide.
It took the form of attempting to destroy
the personality of John Stonehouse,
because that personality had become intolerable to him.
The nature and the scale of Stonehouse's idealism
proved incompatible with the day-to-day realities
of political life...
The Right Honourable Gentleman
is departing from his prepared statement.
Mr Speaker, I made one or two small textual changes,
just for clarity, nothing more.
The Right Honourable Gentleman must say only what has been passed by me!
Just being in the Chamber became physically painful
because it was a reminder of my lost ideals...
..of my belief in the fundamental goodness of human nature,
a belief that was sorely and continually tested
by the behaviour of my parliamentary colleagues.
During my time at Westminster,
I have come to see the House of Commons
as riddled with deceit, corruption, and hypocrisy.
Once again,
the Right Honourable Gentleman is departing from the agreed text!
Parliamentary democracy, our great gift to the world,
has been reduced to nothing more than a charade.
Every five years the people of this country elect people
to represent them.
They do so in the belief that these representatives
are acting in their own best interests.
In reality, they're doing nothing of the sort.
In reality, the vast majority of MPs -
and I have to include myself in this - are no better than robots.
I will not... I will not tolerate this any more!
Docile, unthinking machines.
Voting on issues they don't understand after debates
which they do not listen to.
Deluding themselves that they have anyone's welfare at heart
except, perhaps, their own...
The Right Honourable Gentleman will be seated.
On the 15th of October last,
Sheila Buckley wrote the following letter to John Stonehouse:
"My darling Dums,
"Whichever way you turn, I'll be there for you.
"Rest assured that I will do anything in my power to help.'
On the eighth of November last,
John Stonehouse wrote the following letter to Sheila Buckley:
"My darling Dums,
"The thought of being with you is the only thing
"that keeps me going through this vale of hardship."
I find that there is a case to answer against both of you.
As a result,
you will be committed to the Central Criminal Court to stand your trial
on charges of deception and theft.
Barbara?
You're sleeping in the spare room.
'The number you have dialled is not in service at this time.'
Hello?
Yes, this is he.
Prime Minister!
No, no, no, no, I wasn't asleep.
No, far from it, in fact.
Tomorrow?
Yes, of course.
Course.
I heard your speech, John.
Bit drastic, there's no getting away from that,
but there was some good stuff in there. Food for thought.
You and me, we may have had our spats,
but beneath it all we're very alike.
Both men of high ideals. Too high, possibly.
Too trusting for our own good.
Worn down by all the back-stabbing.
That's what I was trying to get at.
And you did get at it, John! Bang on the money.
All the duplicity, the treachery of our so-called colleagues.
The sheer bloody nastiness of them...
Exactly so! Exactly!
What a pair we are, eh?
That whole business in Miami...
Again, a bit drastic.
Well, more than a bit drastic, let's face it.
But, erm, it couldn't have been easy for you.
Took a lot of guts.
Well, I really didn't feel like I had any choice.
I'm sure you didn't, John. I'm sure you didn't.
Something broke.
Something broke inside.
The old John Stonehouse...
had to die.
No, I can see that.
Can you?
Well, of course.
Which of us truly knows who we really are?
Take me, for instance. What do you see?
What am I, John?
Well, you-you're the Prime Minister, Prime Minister.
Don't I know it!
No, I mean apart from all that.
I'll tell you what I am.
I'm the big fat spider in the corner of the room.
Sometimes I speak when I'm asleep.
Sometimes I may tell you to go to the Charing Cross Road
and kick a blind man.
Would you do that for me?
Well, if you really wanted me to, Prime Minister.
I knew I could rely on you...
when the chips were down.
So, then...
no more silly buggers, eh?
No more silly buggers.
That's the spirit.
Well, I won't take up any more of your valuable time.
I have enjoyed our little chin-wag.
Thank you.
You're quite right, of course.
Prime Minister?
What you said about politics.
About what it does to you.
The price you pay...
After a while, something does get broken.
'Following his defection to the United States last month,
'the former Czech spymaster Alexander Marek
'has given his first television interview.'
'Can you tell me what your duties were at the Czech embassy?'
'I was in charge of recruiting politicians.'
'Recruiting British politicians to spy for the Czechs?'
'Huh.'
'And how did you do that?'
'Sex.
'That was the most effective way.
'Erm... One of our agents would seduce the politician.
'We would film him having sex with a hidden camera,
'and then we would tell him that if he didn't cooperate,
'then we would send the film to his wife.'
'And how senior were these politicians?'
'Very senior.'
'Are you saying that ministers of the Crown were Czech spies?'
'Well... only one.'
'And are you able to identify this senior politician?'
'Um...'
I'm going out!
What are you doing?
You know we're not supposed to see each other.
I know. I know, I'm sorry, darling.
I just couldn't bear not to see you.
Anyway, I thought you'd be at the House of Commons.
Really? Why?
'The Prime Minister's resignation has caused widespread astonishment.
'Suggestions that he might be ill,
'even that he might have become disillusioned,
'have been dismissed as unfounded speculation.
'What's not in doubt, though,
'is that his resignation has plunged the country into a fresh crisis.
'Having lost its majority in the House of Commons, the Government...'
But I just saw him!
Who? Wilson. Yesterday.
I went to see him yesterday.
What did he say?
He said that he understood.
That he felt the same way as I do.
This is all down to me!
Mmm.
Well, omelette, of course,
but there's something... something unusual in there,
something I wouldn't have expected.
Give up?
I give up.
Anchovies!
I would never have guessed that.
How clever you are! You're so clever.
Mm!
You've got to go.
I know. I know...
I know. I just can't see the point any more.
Argh!
People often ask me,
what does the English National Party stand for?
My answer is simple.
We stand for everything that makes England great:
its tolerance, its good manners, its love of nature,
and of course its rich and diverse folk-dancing heritage.
At this time of great uncertainty, we believe that a return
to traditional virtues represents our best hope for the future.
So my friends, don't delay, join with us today -
and Let's Make England Merry Again!
"I will not continue...
"I am not prepared to continue...
"With the Prime Minister's resignation,
"I cannot in all conscience continue to support a government
"I disagree with on so many issues,
"a government whose only concern...
"..whose sole concern seems to be surviving from week to week...
"I have therefore decided to resign the Labour Whip and join the..."
English National Party?
John, they're fascists!
No, no, that's the National Front.
The English National Party is quite different.
What do they believe in?
A devolved English Parliament...
Erm... abolition of income tax...
Morris dancing...
And do you know, I've-I've also...
I've also been giving a lot of thought to the future.
After all this has been sorted out... John...
..and I have to say I'm feeling quite optimistic about things,
about things in general. John!
And of course, I don't deny that there are problems.
Practical problems. Money, for one.
And, of course, there's the children... John! But I really do...
Let's not look too far into the future, shall we?
Right.
You know what they say about happiness.
You have to snatch at it before it flies away.
I hadn't heard that, as a matter of fact.
Snatch at it, you say?
Whoo, there it goes...
Whoo, gone round again. I've got it.
Course you're right, darling, as always.
I do know what happiness is.
It's being right here with you.
You won't do anything rash, will you?
What do you mean?
In court.
You won't do anything rash.
Darling, you have my word!
All rise.
You may sit.
Your Honour, after careful consideration...
..I have decided to dispense with my legal team...
..my extremely efficient and able legal team
and conduct my own defence.
Given the complexities of my case,
and the frankly absurd nature
of some of the charges against me...
..I feel that I am the only one who can give an accurate
and unbiased account of what really happened.
Mr Stonehouse, I strongly advise you to reconsider your decision.
In my experience,
defendants who insist on conducting their own defence
invariably end up doing themselves a lot more harm than good.
Sit down, please.
Mr Stonehouse, I warned you at the start of this trial
that in choosing to conduct your own defence,
you were making a grave mistake.
No, Mr Stonehouse, I have heard more than enough from you.
As a result of your constant interruptions,
your meandering digressions
and your insistence on contesting every tiny detail
of the prosecution's case,
a trial that was scheduled to last three weeks
has dragged on for almost four months,
at the end of which you have been found guilty
on 18 of the 21 counts you faced.
Throughout your trial,
you have sought to lay the blame for what you insisted on calling
your travails at the hands of almost anyone apart from yourself.
However, I am quite satisfied that the blame is yours
and yours alone.
While I do not claim to be an expert in mental illness,
I rather doubt if anyone committing emotional suicide
has cynically committed fraud,
obtained two false passports and hatched a sophisticated scheme
to start a new life on the other side of the world.
There are those who will say that your fall from grace
is punishment enough.
But given the severity of your offences,
I believe I have no choice but to pass the maximum possible sentence.
I am therefore sentencing you to seven years imprisonment.
Sheila Buckley, while I have no doubt
that you aided Mr Stonehouse in his plan,
I am satisfied that you were prompted
more by your devotion to him than by any malicious intent.
I am therefore giving you a two-year suspended sentence.
Hello. John Stonehouse!
I don't suppose there's a hanger?
Good night.
I tried to bring in some food, but I'm afraid they took it away.
For examination, they said.
Probably looking for bolt-cutters.
No, don't worry about bringing me anything, darling.
Just you being here is more than enough.
Just being able to touch you, even over this...
horrid table...
Do you know the most extraordinary thing?
Since I've been here, I feel -
and I know this is gonna sound ridiculous -
but for the first time in my life I feel free.
It's incredibly liberating being treated as just one of the crowd,
just as an ordinary human being.
You'll never be ordinary for me.
Well, there's ordinary and ordinary, of course.
What do you think prompted your husband's behaviour?
Well, that's a very difficult question to answer.
Er...
I have been reading about something called the male menopause,
and I... and I wonder if that might have something to do with it.
May I ask, what are your feelings for your husband?
Sadness...
Pity.
And... anger?
Yes...
Anger.
"Intolerable"?
I'm sorry.
"The petitioner in the divorce action, Barbara Susan Stonehouse,
"finds it intolerable to live with the respondent,
"John Thomson Stonehouse."
It's funny what we choose to focus on, isn't it?
You see, the key word there for me is "adultery".
But then so much of a marriage is what you choose not to notice.
Did you really think I didn't know, John?
About your secrets?
The things you tried to hide.
I saw what I wanted to see, at least to begin with.
But do you know the strangest thing?
Is I think you knew.
On-On some level,
I-I think you knew that I could see through all your-your little veils,
and you didn't like it. You didn't like it one little bit.
And so you-you kept squirreling more and more things away,
bigger and bigger secrets
until finally you came to the biggest secret of the lot.
Well, I didn't see that one coming.
No. You, er...
You really got me there.
I do...
I do love you, you know.
You know, for once, I actually believe you.
You thought you could have it all, didn't you, John?
Everything your heart desired.
But in the end...
Hello?
Hello, everyone.
I'm here!
Where is everybody?
Where have you all gone?
Quick. Warden in. Warden. Warden!
Warden! We need a warden in here! We need someone in here.
Heart.
You remember Sheila?
She's a...
friend of Dad's.
Here we go again.
It's the nightly bedtime story.
Nearly there, John.
Nearly there, Dave.
How are you feeling?
Happy.
Happy and...
thankful.
Soppy sod.
Goodbye, darling. See you this evening.
Good luck!
I don't want Daddy to go!
Don't you worry, darling boy. I'll be back as soon as you know it,
and I promise I will never, ever, ever go away again.
# Maybe it is raining Where our train will ride
# Oh the little travellers Are warm and snug inside
# Rocking, rolling, riding Out along the bay
# All bound for Morningtown Many miles away... #
Bye.
Mr Stonehouse?
Are you all right?
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