ENGINE STARTS
Aye, aye! Someone's happy.
Probably still pissed. Simon, the breathalyser.
It won't register. I've put 2p under my tongue.
LAUGHS That's never worked!
Went to see the Mondays last night, didn't I?
No way.
♪ Son, I'm 30...
BOTH: # I only went with your mother cos she's dirty... ♪
You went with my mum?
Oh, put that back, dipshit.
Were they any good, then?
Oh, my God, they were awesome. Just like the old days.
I can't believe you went to see the Happy Mondays
and didn't get me a ticket.
You could have come. Weasel's mum wouldn't let him out,
cos he'd been nicking from her purse. Oh, bugger it.
What happened here, then?
Oh, this is a mental one.
Holiday home here. Next house along is a farm.
Old MacDonald's driving past,
he sees it's being burgled,
he decided he's Jason Statham, kicks the door in
and lets the poor bastard have it with both barrels.
Oh, God. Is he dead?
No, but he's a mess.
Guess who it was.
Who? Tubby.
Tubby Rogers?
Ah, he was never going to be a brain surgeon, Tubs, was he?
No, not any more. One of his arms got blown off.
Oh, God. Having two hands
was sort of top of his list of best qualities, wasn't it?
The area is secure of OSG
and ready for a decontamination sweep.
Been watching Line Of Duty again?
I told him. Right, ta-ra.
Oh, the owner's in, and she doesn't like blood.
Hello?
WOMAN: Yes?
Crime scene cleaner.
I'm here to clean up?
Oh, um, well, it's through the kitchen.
I can't come down. Blood makes me gip.
CHUCKLES Gip!
Right, well, we can't have the lady gipping, can we, Wicky?
♪ Crucify some brother today
♪ And I... ♪
Ah, Tubby!
Course you had a massive hand.
"Hey, babe, just got back. I love our little getaway.
"Here's a silly poem for you to read before bed.
"It's called For Jamie.
"When we became we, I let I die
"But she watches down with a smile from the sky."
Absolute shit.
What's shit?
Oh...
I was just thinking about...
..cats. Aren't they shit?
OK. Um, I've made tea, but you're going to have to
come and get it cos I can't... I can't go over there.
I don't want to see it. Blimey!
you really don't like blood, do you?
Don't, don't.
I'll heave if you even speak about it, honestly.
I can't... Is it bad?
Uh...
..yeah...
Quite bad.
What happened to the burglar?
Ah, poor Tubby.
Put it like this, he's not going to play the piano again.
I'm joking. He can't read music.
He can't read.
He can't drive...
..or see his kids.
Good job you weren't home, hey?
I don't live here. It's a holiday home.
Yeah, I've just come down from Manchester.
Ooh, nice little hideaway.
It's a nightmare, to be honest.
Who wants to holiday where they grew up?
What? You're not a Brummie.
Yeah, I was born in Stourbridge, thank you.
Do a bit of Brummie, then.
No. It's fine if you can't.
I can. I just don't want to, under the circumstances.
I've got a good way of getting back into it
if you want, you know.
You just have to say the sentence,
"I'm not fit to babysit."
Mate, what's wrong with you? It works every time, honest.
Yes, I know. Yeah, I'll show you, look.
BRUMMIE ACCENT: Oi! You're not fit to babysit!
You're not fit to babysit.
I'm perfectly fit to babysit. You ain't, babs!
You ain't fit to babysit. I am!
You're not fit... You're not fit to babysit. I'm fit to babysit!
BOTH: You're not fit to babysit!
Maggie?
Oh, my God! Wicky.
GAGS
Blood. Oh, uh...
Don't you, because I'll...
A finger.
It's just a finger... GAGS
Sorry, I'll be outside. Yeah.
BOTH COUGH AND RETCH
GAGS AND GROANS
I managed to hold it in.
Oh... Can't believe a bit of blood still does that to you.
A bit? It's like a pissed werewolf's been in there.
And that's it, is it?
That's the first thing you're going to say to me after 20 years?
Oh... LAUGHS
It's never been 20 years, has it?
Oh, it is. I can give you the exact date, if you want.
Oh. What you doing here, Wicky?
Is this your job now? Cleaner?
Crime scene cleaner.
It's a bit more specialist, like.
You was the messiest bugger I've ever known.
You can talk. Taking your tights and your pants off
all at once and leaving them all over the floor.
I still do that.
A figure of eight, you used to call it.
Yeah, the smelly figure of eight.
Smelly?
Ah, it's good to see you, though.
Two houses now, is it, you flash twat?
Sod off. My husband bought it.
Oh. Oh, you got married.
Course I did. Because I'm incredibly beautiful,
and it's been years since we...
Since you dumped me, yeah. Did I?
I didn't, did I? Did I?
I've got to make a call.
Maggie? Yeah? Are you not going to ask if I'm married?
Do I need to, Wicky? What do you mean?
Well, do you even have a partner?
Yes, I have a partner.
Oh, what's her name?
Amanda Louise Hibbert.
That's her full name, like.
I would think so. It's massive.
Yeah, isn't it? LAUGHS
She's back, it seems.
And she writes shit poems.
There you are.
No blood? All clean?
It is scientifically impossible
for those to be any cleaner than they are.
Hey, I found something
you might like earlier. Where is it?
What are you doing now, then? You working?
Or do you just live off your super-rich husband now?
That's it, 1970s man.
I've got my own little gallery, for your information. Art?
Yeah. Oh, no, that's good.
It's good that you stuck with it.
MAGGIE GASPS
GASPS Glasto?
Yeah. '91, '92?
1990.
Oh. Look at that.
The whole gang, look. Look at them all.
What a bunch of losers. Do you remember them all?
Well, yeah.
What was the weirdo's name?
It's Weasel. Weasel.
I once watched him drink a glass of his own piss for a bet.
I saw him drink a glass of someone else's piss last week
just because he was thirsty.
Wicky, you don't still go down the White Horse?
Every Friday.
No.
It's better now, like.
They've got Sky and a Tipping Point quiz machine.
Bloody hell.
Oh!
Pretty rock'n'roll place for us to get together, though, eh?
Do you think?
A festival? Are you joking?
Ah, forgotten the rush of a live band?
We didn't see any live bands that weekend, Wicky.
I spent the whole of the Saturday in the medical tent
with you. GASPS
The bad trip!
You was a right mess.
You still got off with me, didn't you?
Yes, well, you was vulnerable and I've had therapy since,
so I no longer find weakness horny.
I don't suppose you take drugs any more, do you, you square?
Oh, yeah, that's me, big square.
Or a mum. Up to you.
You...
You've had kids?
Yeah, I've got one.
Well, he's not a kid any more. He leaves uni soon.
Huh.
Right, well...
I'd better get on. Good.
It's funny. I do remember you saying you never wanted kids.
I didn't, did I?
Oh, you did, you definitely did.
You said they were parasites.
You said they're parasites that make your tits flat.
Huh, well, that proves what I know,
cos my tits remain perky.
Well, too perky, if anything.
Hurgh! Blood. COUGHS
It's never been 20 years.
No, it has,
because I'm nearly 50
and you left me on the night of my 30th birthday.
Do you remember?
Oh, God.
"Oh, Jay, what did I do before we met? Who was I?
"Just a pooh stick waiting to be plucked from the water
"by a real man."
Oh, yeah, right, because real men love pooh sticks.
"When you wooed me, Jamie,
"my eyes opened like petals in spring.
"You lit the first candle in this little heart."
The first, yeah?
All right.
Time to put the cat amongst the pigeons.
Thought I'd save you a load of journeys.
I hadn't taken any.
What? Drugs at Glasto.
I hadn't taken any.
There was no bad trip.
What are you talking about?
I wanted to spend time with you, so I pretended.
I knew you'd look after me, so...
No, Wicky, you said you was hallucinating.
Yeah, it was an act.
A brilliant act.
No, you kept saying,
"My hands are like meat. My hands are as heavy as meat."
"My hands are like...they're heavy as meat, yeah! Maggie!"
Sweet, though, right?
And ten years later...
No, it's bloody mental.
Are you all right? You seem really wound up.
Yes! I'm fine.
JINGLING Bells.
I just think it's sweet I tried to get you on your own.
Well, it backfired, didn't it?
Cos we had to get a bloody taxi back to Brum.
Yeah, with that weirdo. Who takes a taxi to a festival?
Besserman.
Jamie Besserman, that little gimp.
Mmm. He was a hero that weekend because he took us home.
Not really, Maggie. He kept his meter on. He charged me.
That's about right.
He was always going to make money, that boy.
That's not the reason why I married him, of course.
No...
Not Besserman.
Besserman didn't pluck the pooh stick, Maggie?
You married Jamie Besserman? Not being rude, Maggie,
but he's a boring, money-grubbing turd.
He isn't boring.
He's not boring? He used to have a feather collection.
They weren't even good feathers.
Most of them were pigeon.
What does it matter, Wicky?
I just thought, when you and I split up,
you'd end up with someone good.
Not a taxi driver with a massive head.
Massive head?
Grow up. He's a pumpkin-head.
SIGHS
Hey, and I'll tell you something else -
he looks like someone balancing a wheel of cheese on his head.
He stopped talking long enough about his taxi empire
to have a kid, then, did he? Piss off.
He worked so hard in the early days, he was barely home.
Well, that's a result.
You wouldn't have to listen to his rubbish stories.
Oh, come on. You come on.
I once sat in a pub for an hour
listening to him tell me about a time he did a massive hop.
He was bloody good to me.
He worked his arse off so I could get that gallery.
Well, who wouldn't have?
I didn't know you were that serious about your art.
Well, you never asked.
I only took up painting
to avoid being dragged down that bloody pub.
The Horse? You loved it down the Horse.
I once spent the entire weekend watching you and your mates
perfect an impersonation of a local butcher.
Bob Taylor?
Oh, my...
"If you want shome chops
"or shome offcutsh, that'sh fine,
"but if you want shomething more shpecialisht
"like a shirloin, you'll have to come back on Shaturday."
What a legend.
Ah, not with us any more, sadly.
Cansher.
Oh, God, it's like being back down there.
Maggie... Well, show us some of your art, then.
I'm interested.
Ohh!
This is the sort of stuff you're doing.
Yeah, we sell a lot of those.
It's sweet. I still can't believe
you married that taxi driver, but it's sweet.
That was just a practice one when my Tommy was born.
It's his 20th tomorrow.
He's 20?
And when did you and Besserman get together?
Oh, don't start.
It was way after we broke up.
Oh, my God.
What?
I knew it.
Knew what?
I knew it as soon as I saw him.
My sweet child.
He's got Dad's eyes.
Now you laugh at me.
You deny me my son for 20 years, then you laugh at me?
Then I deny my son!
Plastic? You would emboss my son upon plastic?
He's not yours, you tit.
He's five-foot three and likes vegetables.
Right, well, you must have got together with Besserman
pretty quickly after we split up, Maggie. Well, we obviously did,
but, Wicky, what would you have done?
Taught him how to do impressions of a local butcher?
Oh, yeah, that's funny, is it?
LAUGHS BITTERLY
Is this funny?
GAGS Blood!
Yeah.
Wicky, close it.
Away with you...
..gip queen. RETCHES
Wicky...
It's safe.
Ooh.
You're good, you, aren't you?
Yeah.
Sorry. I was a bit mean before.
We had a good time, didn't we?
Course we did.
Do you want another cup of tea?
Yeah.
"When you make love to me,
"I know that I've never been touched before.
"All previous lovers were dust thrown into the wind.
"To tickle and tease me before I opened my petals for you."
Oh, come on!
You come on!
Do you remember our holiday to Greece?
I do.
Perfect, wasn't it?
No. You brought Weasel.
Yeah, yeah, well, I had to bring him, didn't I?
He'd just had a hernia operation.
That's not the reason I remember Greece anyway.
Eh? Come on.
We were shagging for the whole trip, weren't we? Oh, yeah.
It was a bit early-days frenetic, wasn't it?
BOTH LAUGH
Yeah, yeah.
We always did have good sex.
We did, yeah.
What was that? What?
That...
No, nothing. No, it was good. It was good.
What? Well, it was a bit samey.
Samey?
Yeah, but that's all right. I mean, it's not your fault.
You're not built for a variety of angles,
are you? You're so tall.
I'm all about the angles. People know me for the angles.
Wicky, it's like being taken from behind
by the Eiffel Tower,
and you can't go on top, which is...
Are you actually joking?
I'm amazing on top.
It's easy for you to say. You're not trapped under this.
You're shit at art.
I knew it. You've been dying to say that.
Well, there you go.
Sorry I wasn't the first one
to open up your dusty petals or whatever.
What?
Yeah, don't even... I found the letters
and I don't even feel bad about reading them.
Honestly, I feel like I dodged a bullet.
I'm amazed you weren't gipping while you were writing these.
"Oh, I love our little holiday home.
"As soon as I see you, it makes my pooky all wet."
Named your vagina, have you, you monster?
"Even if I have to share you with her..."
"Share you with her," whoever that...
Because the... the sharing is, um, with...
Yeah.
I never sent Jamie letters, Wicky.
These aren't your letters.
They're not my letters.
So these would have been written by someone to...
To my husband, yeah.
That's what the, uh...
Meant you.
What a knobhead.
She means Besserman.
"Oh, Jay, what did I do before we met?
"You deflowered me." I hope it wasn't in my bathroom.
There she goes, yeah.
"When you make love to me,
"I know that I've never been touched before."
What? Bullshit.
Jay? He hated being called Jay.
That is not a proper use of an apostrophe. Look.
Who calls her snatch a pooky? LAUGHS
Ugh!
Jamie Besserman.
This is the size of his head.
This is what I think of your pooh sticks, Pooky.
He was shit in bed anyway.
Ah, I'm so sorry, Mags.
It's OK.
Do you know what?
I think I always knew he was cheating, really. I don't know.
Yeah. He must have been meeting her here
for years, then, was he?
Yeah, on business trips.
Brainstorming new ideas, eh? Alone.
What a bastard. In our holiday home, too.
Bet you wish you'd come to that birthday party now, eh?
Oh, here we go.
BOTH MIMIC VIOLIN MUSIC
You missed a great party...
..forward slash, faithful life partner.
I was waiting for you, you know.
Had such a bloody laugh down the pub.
Then the boys had organised that rave.
I felt so stupidly free...
..but I was looking for you.
And you just never came.
ECHOING: Maggie!
I know.
You were the only one I wanted there.
I'm here now.
Right, trousers off, lie down. What do you mean?
Come on, Wicky. We both know it only works one way for us.
It does not only work one way for us.
You just watch.
There you go - this would nearly work.
Nearly, yeah.
Well, go up on your tiptoes.
That's going to hurt my feet.
All right, Nana. LAUGHS
You could get on these. You're not jacking me up.
I'm not a bloody car.
What's this?
Just looked it up online. It's froggy style.
Who's the frog? I'm the frog!
Agh! Oh, you all right?
There, what's wrong with this?
How long can you keep that up?
You've got no upper-body strength, love. Yeah.
Yay!
MAGGIE SHRIEKS AND LAUGHS
Oh, this is better than sex anyway.
Suck my toe.
SIGHS Stop being weird.
You still get lower-back problems?
Yeah, it does spasm a bit, yeah.
Yeah.
Put me down.
Yeah.
Maybe it didn't work.
I told you.
See?
Just like the old days.
PENCIL SCRATCHES
Stay still. Sorry.
I've got a point to prove too.
What are you going to do?
Go home for my son's birthday.
Really? Yeah.
I have to be there for his birthday.
You understand that, being his dad. GROANS
What about Besserman? Are you going to forgive him?
What do you think?
EXHALES
What?
Nothing.
I know that face. Say what's on your mind.
It's funny, isn't it?
I've thought loads over the years
about what I'd say to you,
but, now you're here, I haven't got a voice.
Well, what would he say?
Who?
The legend, of course. Bob Taylor.
Oh! Oh...
Well, I shupposhe, fundamentally shpeaking,
if I wash being honesht,
if I was shpeaking, if I may, from the shentre of my shoul...
Get on with it, Bob.
..that shince you left...
..I have been waiting for you...
..and that with every birthday that passes,
I wonder if, this time...
..you'll come back.
Oh, Wicky.
I have to go.
He's not a big man, is he, Besserman?
Yeah, cos he's the freaky-size one.
LAUGHS
Oh...
Off, then? Yeah.
Good. Listen, I've got stuff to do.
I've got to fumigate the place anyway... Of course, yeah, yeah.
So, yeah, do a good job, innit?
I guess, uh...
..we'll never know, then, will we,
you know, what would have happened if you'd turned up to the birthday?
I think we do, yeah. Loads of nights in the White Horse
watching a man drink his own piss.
You can't go back to him.
I'm not going back to him, Wicky.
Well, good. That's good.
You left me for the wrong bloke.
I didn't leave you for Jamie.
Or because of your weird friends.
Or because of any other conspiracy theory.
Right, OK, so I'll pack and I'll...
No.
We had our time, Wicky,
and a bloody good time it was, too,
but it just wasn't enough.
Is it enough for you any more?
I mean, the Happy Mondays are not going to tour forever, are they?
BOTH CHUCKLE
DOOR CLOSES
SIGHS
Yep. Still shit.
MUSIC: Kinky Afro by Happy Mondays
♪ You go spooky in a band
♪ Son, I'm 30
♪ I only went with your mother cos she's dirty
♪ And I don't have a decent bone in me
PLAYING ON STEREO: # What you get is just what you see, yeah... ♪
Lads! Let's stay like this forever!
INCOHERENT CHEERS
♪ ..I never help or give to the needy
♪ Come on and see me... ♪
Take me away from all this.
Where to?
Anywhere, Jamie.
Anywhere.
ENGINE STARTS
♪ ..So come on and say it
♪ Now, come on and tell me twice
♪ I said, "Dad, you are shabby."
♪ You run around and groove like a baggy
♪ You're only here just out of habit... ♪
PHONE RINGS WICKY: All right?
Well, well, well.
Yeah, I've just finished.
It was a messy one. Very messy.
I'm sure you've done a lovely job, Mr Mop.
Yeah, of course I have.
I'll tell you what, though.
First job in years that's made me gip.
Don't tell anyone, eh?
Right, well, you buy me a drink when I see you on Friday
and I'll, um... I'll keep it quiet.
Friday? Am I seeing you on Friday?
Yeah, at the Horse. It's your birthday, isn't it?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it is.
See you then, then.
See you then.
♪ ..Go on and say it
♪ Yippee-yippee aye-aye-ay yay-yay
♪ I had to crucify some brother today
♪ And I don't hear what you gotta say
♪ So come on and say it
♪ Come on and tell me twice. ♪