1 00:00:02,363 --> 00:00:03,523 ENGINE STARTS 2 00:00:17,123 --> 00:00:19,403 Aye, aye! Someone's happy. 3 00:00:19,403 --> 00:00:22,483 Probably still pissed. Simon, the breathalyser. 4 00:00:23,843 --> 00:00:25,803 It won't register. I've put 2p under my tongue. 5 00:00:25,803 --> 00:00:27,643 LAUGHS That's never worked! 6 00:00:29,123 --> 00:00:31,003 Went to see the Mondays last night, didn't I? 7 00:00:31,003 --> 00:00:32,483 No way. 8 00:00:32,483 --> 00:00:35,403 ♪ Son, I'm 30... 9 00:00:35,403 --> 00:00:39,363 BOTH: # I only went with your mother cos she's dirty... ♪ 10 00:00:39,363 --> 00:00:40,443 You went with my mum? 11 00:00:40,443 --> 00:00:42,643 Oh, put that back, dipshit. 12 00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:44,403 Were they any good, then? 13 00:00:44,403 --> 00:00:46,683 Oh, my God, they were awesome. Just like the old days. 14 00:00:46,683 --> 00:00:48,643 I can't believe you went to see the Happy Mondays 15 00:00:48,643 --> 00:00:49,763 and didn't get me a ticket. 16 00:00:49,763 --> 00:00:52,363 You could have come. Weasel's mum wouldn't let him out, 17 00:00:52,363 --> 00:00:54,803 cos he'd been nicking from her purse. Oh, bugger it. 18 00:00:54,803 --> 00:00:56,003 What happened here, then? 19 00:00:56,003 --> 00:00:57,643 Oh, this is a mental one. 20 00:00:57,643 --> 00:01:00,483 Holiday home here. Next house along is a farm. 21 00:01:00,483 --> 00:01:02,683 Old MacDonald's driving past, 22 00:01:02,683 --> 00:01:04,643 he sees it's being burgled, 23 00:01:04,643 --> 00:01:07,003 he decided he's Jason Statham, kicks the door in 24 00:01:07,003 --> 00:01:09,563 and lets the poor bastard have it with both barrels. 25 00:01:09,563 --> 00:01:11,243 Oh, God. Is he dead? 26 00:01:11,243 --> 00:01:12,443 No, but he's a mess. 27 00:01:12,443 --> 00:01:13,523 Guess who it was. 28 00:01:13,523 --> 00:01:15,603 Who? Tubby. 29 00:01:15,603 --> 00:01:17,563 Tubby Rogers? 30 00:01:17,563 --> 00:01:20,443 Ah, he was never going to be a brain surgeon, Tubs, was he? 31 00:01:20,443 --> 00:01:22,723 No, not any more. One of his arms got blown off. 32 00:01:22,723 --> 00:01:24,563 Oh, God. Having two hands 33 00:01:24,563 --> 00:01:27,123 was sort of top of his list of best qualities, wasn't it? 34 00:01:27,123 --> 00:01:28,843 The area is secure of OSG 35 00:01:28,843 --> 00:01:31,003 and ready for a decontamination sweep. 36 00:01:31,003 --> 00:01:32,843 Been watching Line Of Duty again? 37 00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:34,763 I told him. Right, ta-ra. 38 00:01:34,763 --> 00:01:37,003 Oh, the owner's in, and she doesn't like blood. 39 00:01:49,723 --> 00:01:50,803 Hello? 40 00:01:50,803 --> 00:01:51,963 WOMAN: Yes? 41 00:01:51,963 --> 00:01:53,083 Crime scene cleaner. 42 00:01:53,083 --> 00:01:54,963 I'm here to clean up? 43 00:01:54,963 --> 00:01:57,163 Oh, um, well, it's through the kitchen. 44 00:01:57,163 --> 00:01:58,963 I can't come down. Blood makes me gip. 45 00:01:58,963 --> 00:02:00,643 CHUCKLES Gip! 46 00:02:00,643 --> 00:02:03,963 Right, well, we can't have the lady gipping, can we, Wicky? 47 00:02:03,963 --> 00:02:06,683 ♪ Crucify some brother today 48 00:02:06,683 --> 00:02:08,043 ♪ And I... ♪ 49 00:02:08,043 --> 00:02:09,683 Ah, Tubby! 50 00:02:09,683 --> 00:02:11,643 Course you had a massive hand. 51 00:02:55,563 --> 00:02:58,923 "Hey, babe, just got back. I love our little getaway. 52 00:02:58,923 --> 00:03:01,963 "Here's a silly poem for you to read before bed. 53 00:03:01,963 --> 00:03:03,563 "It's called For Jamie. 54 00:03:03,563 --> 00:03:06,123 "When we became we, I let I die 55 00:03:06,123 --> 00:03:09,723 "But she watches down with a smile from the sky." 56 00:03:10,843 --> 00:03:12,403 Absolute shit. 57 00:03:12,403 --> 00:03:13,603 What's shit? 58 00:03:15,083 --> 00:03:16,123 Oh... 59 00:03:16,123 --> 00:03:17,563 I was just thinking about... 60 00:03:17,563 --> 00:03:19,563 ..cats. Aren't they shit? 61 00:03:19,563 --> 00:03:22,203 OK. Um, I've made tea, but you're going to have to 62 00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:24,443 come and get it cos I can't... I can't go over there. 63 00:03:24,443 --> 00:03:26,003 I don't want to see it. Blimey! 64 00:03:26,003 --> 00:03:28,003 you really don't like blood, do you? 65 00:03:28,003 --> 00:03:29,163 Don't, don't. 66 00:03:29,163 --> 00:03:31,323 I'll heave if you even speak about it, honestly. 67 00:03:31,323 --> 00:03:32,883 I can't... Is it bad? 68 00:03:32,883 --> 00:03:34,003 Uh... 69 00:03:35,163 --> 00:03:36,523 ..yeah... 70 00:03:37,683 --> 00:03:38,963 Quite bad. 71 00:03:38,963 --> 00:03:40,563 What happened to the burglar? 72 00:03:40,563 --> 00:03:42,963 Ah, poor Tubby. 73 00:03:42,963 --> 00:03:45,883 Put it like this, he's not going to play the piano again. 74 00:03:45,883 --> 00:03:48,123 I'm joking. He can't read music. 75 00:03:48,123 --> 00:03:49,163 He can't read. 76 00:03:49,163 --> 00:03:50,643 He can't drive... 77 00:03:52,203 --> 00:03:53,923 ..or see his kids. 78 00:03:53,923 --> 00:03:55,323 Good job you weren't home, hey? 79 00:03:55,323 --> 00:03:57,323 I don't live here. It's a holiday home. 80 00:03:57,323 --> 00:03:59,563 Yeah, I've just come down from Manchester. 81 00:03:59,563 --> 00:04:01,883 Ooh, nice little hideaway. 82 00:04:01,883 --> 00:04:03,763 It's a nightmare, to be honest. 83 00:04:03,763 --> 00:04:06,083 Who wants to holiday where they grew up? 84 00:04:06,083 --> 00:04:07,483 What? You're not a Brummie. 85 00:04:07,483 --> 00:04:09,603 Yeah, I was born in Stourbridge, thank you. 86 00:04:09,603 --> 00:04:11,363 Do a bit of Brummie, then. 87 00:04:11,363 --> 00:04:12,683 No. It's fine if you can't. 88 00:04:12,683 --> 00:04:15,603 I can. I just don't want to, under the circumstances. 89 00:04:15,603 --> 00:04:17,283 I've got a good way of getting back into it 90 00:04:17,283 --> 00:04:18,443 if you want, you know. 91 00:04:18,443 --> 00:04:20,243 You just have to say the sentence, 92 00:04:20,243 --> 00:04:21,363 "I'm not fit to babysit." 93 00:04:21,363 --> 00:04:24,083 Mate, what's wrong with you? It works every time, honest. 94 00:04:24,083 --> 00:04:26,203 Yes, I know. Yeah, I'll show you, look. 95 00:04:26,203 --> 00:04:28,963 BRUMMIE ACCENT: Oi! You're not fit to babysit! 96 00:04:28,963 --> 00:04:30,643 You're not fit to babysit. 97 00:04:30,643 --> 00:04:33,323 I'm perfectly fit to babysit. You ain't, babs! 98 00:04:33,323 --> 00:04:34,843 You ain't fit to babysit. I am! 99 00:04:34,843 --> 00:04:37,523 You're not fit... You're not fit to babysit. I'm fit to babysit! 100 00:04:37,523 --> 00:04:39,363 BOTH: You're not fit to babysit! 101 00:04:43,043 --> 00:04:44,203 Maggie? 102 00:04:46,603 --> 00:04:48,483 Oh, my God! Wicky. 103 00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:54,443 GAGS 104 00:04:54,443 --> 00:04:56,003 Blood. Oh, uh... 105 00:04:57,243 --> 00:04:58,843 Don't you, because I'll... 106 00:04:59,923 --> 00:05:01,363 A finger. 107 00:05:01,363 --> 00:05:03,883 It's just a finger... GAGS 108 00:05:03,883 --> 00:05:05,483 Sorry, I'll be outside. Yeah. 109 00:05:05,483 --> 00:05:07,323 BOTH COUGH AND RETCH 110 00:05:11,083 --> 00:05:13,123 GAGS AND GROANS 111 00:05:19,963 --> 00:05:22,323 I managed to hold it in. 112 00:05:22,323 --> 00:05:25,323 Oh... Can't believe a bit of blood still does that to you. 113 00:05:25,323 --> 00:05:28,323 A bit? It's like a pissed werewolf's been in there. 114 00:05:28,323 --> 00:05:29,363 And that's it, is it? 115 00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:32,163 That's the first thing you're going to say to me after 20 years? 116 00:05:36,323 --> 00:05:37,603 Oh... LAUGHS 117 00:05:37,603 --> 00:05:39,563 It's never been 20 years, has it? 118 00:05:39,563 --> 00:05:42,163 Oh, it is. I can give you the exact date, if you want. 119 00:05:42,163 --> 00:05:45,043 Oh. What you doing here, Wicky? 120 00:05:45,043 --> 00:05:47,363 Is this your job now? Cleaner? 121 00:05:47,363 --> 00:05:48,443 Crime scene cleaner. 122 00:05:48,443 --> 00:05:49,963 It's a bit more specialist, like. 123 00:05:49,963 --> 00:05:52,163 You was the messiest bugger I've ever known. 124 00:05:52,163 --> 00:05:54,363 You can talk. Taking your tights and your pants off 125 00:05:54,363 --> 00:05:56,283 all at once and leaving them all over the floor. 126 00:05:56,283 --> 00:05:57,683 I still do that. 127 00:05:57,683 --> 00:05:59,843 A figure of eight, you used to call it. 128 00:05:59,843 --> 00:06:01,603 Yeah, the smelly figure of eight. 129 00:06:01,603 --> 00:06:03,323 Smelly? 130 00:06:03,323 --> 00:06:04,683 Ah, it's good to see you, though. 131 00:06:04,683 --> 00:06:07,523 Two houses now, is it, you flash twat? 132 00:06:07,523 --> 00:06:09,603 Sod off. My husband bought it. 133 00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:13,643 Oh. Oh, you got married. 134 00:06:13,643 --> 00:06:17,243 Course I did. Because I'm incredibly beautiful, 135 00:06:17,243 --> 00:06:18,763 and it's been years since we... 136 00:06:18,763 --> 00:06:21,483 Since you dumped me, yeah. Did I? 137 00:06:21,483 --> 00:06:23,363 I didn't, did I? Did I? 138 00:06:25,603 --> 00:06:26,923 I've got to make a call. 139 00:06:28,163 --> 00:06:31,403 Maggie? Yeah? Are you not going to ask if I'm married? 140 00:06:31,403 --> 00:06:33,563 Do I need to, Wicky? What do you mean? 141 00:06:33,563 --> 00:06:35,443 Well, do you even have a partner? 142 00:06:35,443 --> 00:06:36,683 Yes, I have a partner. 143 00:06:36,683 --> 00:06:38,363 Oh, what's her name? 144 00:06:38,363 --> 00:06:40,283 Amanda Louise Hibbert. 145 00:06:41,643 --> 00:06:43,483 That's her full name, like. 146 00:06:43,483 --> 00:06:45,483 I would think so. It's massive. 147 00:06:45,483 --> 00:06:46,563 Yeah, isn't it? LAUGHS 148 00:06:54,723 --> 00:06:56,163 She's back, it seems. 149 00:06:57,483 --> 00:06:59,363 And she writes shit poems. 150 00:07:19,163 --> 00:07:20,403 There you are. 151 00:07:20,403 --> 00:07:22,363 No blood? All clean? 152 00:07:22,363 --> 00:07:23,963 It is scientifically impossible 153 00:07:23,963 --> 00:07:25,923 for those to be any cleaner than they are. 154 00:07:25,923 --> 00:07:27,123 Hey, I found something 155 00:07:27,123 --> 00:07:29,163 you might like earlier. Where is it? 156 00:07:29,163 --> 00:07:31,723 What are you doing now, then? You working? 157 00:07:31,723 --> 00:07:33,963 Or do you just live off your super-rich husband now? 158 00:07:33,963 --> 00:07:36,243 That's it, 1970s man. 159 00:07:36,243 --> 00:07:39,243 I've got my own little gallery, for your information. Art? 160 00:07:39,243 --> 00:07:41,363 Yeah. Oh, no, that's good. 161 00:07:41,363 --> 00:07:42,843 It's good that you stuck with it. 162 00:07:42,843 --> 00:07:44,203 MAGGIE GASPS 163 00:07:44,203 --> 00:07:46,683 GASPS Glasto? 164 00:07:46,683 --> 00:07:48,523 Yeah. '91, '92? 165 00:07:48,523 --> 00:07:49,563 1990. 166 00:07:49,563 --> 00:07:50,603 Oh. Look at that. 167 00:07:50,603 --> 00:07:52,523 The whole gang, look. Look at them all. 168 00:07:52,523 --> 00:07:54,843 What a bunch of losers. Do you remember them all? 169 00:07:54,843 --> 00:07:57,243 Well, yeah. 170 00:07:57,243 --> 00:07:59,723 What was the weirdo's name? 171 00:07:59,723 --> 00:08:01,723 It's Weasel. Weasel. 172 00:08:01,723 --> 00:08:04,443 I once watched him drink a glass of his own piss for a bet. 173 00:08:04,443 --> 00:08:06,883 I saw him drink a glass of someone else's piss last week 174 00:08:06,883 --> 00:08:08,243 just because he was thirsty. 175 00:08:08,243 --> 00:08:11,403 Wicky, you don't still go down the White Horse? 176 00:08:13,403 --> 00:08:14,523 Every Friday. 177 00:08:14,523 --> 00:08:15,643 No. 178 00:08:15,643 --> 00:08:16,843 It's better now, like. 179 00:08:16,843 --> 00:08:19,643 They've got Sky and a Tipping Point quiz machine. 180 00:08:19,643 --> 00:08:20,763 Bloody hell. 181 00:08:28,123 --> 00:08:29,483 Oh! 182 00:08:32,563 --> 00:08:35,683 Pretty rock'n'roll place for us to get together, though, eh? 183 00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,163 Do you think? 184 00:08:37,163 --> 00:08:38,683 A festival? Are you joking? 185 00:08:38,683 --> 00:08:41,803 Ah, forgotten the rush of a live band? 186 00:08:41,803 --> 00:08:44,083 We didn't see any live bands that weekend, Wicky. 187 00:08:44,083 --> 00:08:46,483 I spent the whole of the Saturday in the medical tent 188 00:08:46,483 --> 00:08:47,603 with you. GASPS 189 00:08:47,603 --> 00:08:49,043 The bad trip! 190 00:08:49,043 --> 00:08:50,323 You was a right mess. 191 00:08:50,323 --> 00:08:52,043 You still got off with me, didn't you? 192 00:08:52,043 --> 00:08:55,563 Yes, well, you was vulnerable and I've had therapy since, 193 00:08:55,563 --> 00:08:57,403 so I no longer find weakness horny. 194 00:08:58,443 --> 00:09:00,843 I don't suppose you take drugs any more, do you, you square? 195 00:09:00,843 --> 00:09:03,243 Oh, yeah, that's me, big square. 196 00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:05,443 Or a mum. Up to you. 197 00:09:07,243 --> 00:09:08,323 You... 198 00:09:08,323 --> 00:09:09,603 You've had kids? 199 00:09:09,603 --> 00:09:10,963 Yeah, I've got one. 200 00:09:10,963 --> 00:09:13,243 Well, he's not a kid any more. He leaves uni soon. 201 00:09:13,243 --> 00:09:14,643 Huh. 202 00:09:14,643 --> 00:09:16,363 Right, well... 203 00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:19,163 I'd better get on. Good. 204 00:09:22,323 --> 00:09:26,083 It's funny. I do remember you saying you never wanted kids. 205 00:09:26,083 --> 00:09:27,203 I didn't, did I? 206 00:09:27,203 --> 00:09:28,643 Oh, you did, you definitely did. 207 00:09:28,643 --> 00:09:29,923 You said they were parasites. 208 00:09:29,923 --> 00:09:32,203 You said they're parasites that make your tits flat. 209 00:09:32,203 --> 00:09:34,243 Huh, well, that proves what I know, 210 00:09:34,243 --> 00:09:36,563 cos my tits remain perky. 211 00:09:36,563 --> 00:09:39,243 Well, too perky, if anything. 212 00:09:40,283 --> 00:09:42,363 Hurgh! Blood. COUGHS 213 00:09:42,363 --> 00:09:44,443 It's never been 20 years. 214 00:09:44,443 --> 00:09:45,723 No, it has, 215 00:09:45,723 --> 00:09:47,923 because I'm nearly 50 216 00:09:47,923 --> 00:09:50,523 and you left me on the night of my 30th birthday. 217 00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:51,963 Do you remember? 218 00:09:51,963 --> 00:09:53,723 Oh, God. 219 00:10:17,243 --> 00:10:21,003 "Oh, Jay, what did I do before we met? Who was I? 220 00:10:21,003 --> 00:10:23,843 "Just a pooh stick waiting to be plucked from the water 221 00:10:23,843 --> 00:10:25,203 "by a real man." 222 00:10:25,203 --> 00:10:28,643 Oh, yeah, right, because real men love pooh sticks. 223 00:10:28,643 --> 00:10:30,203 "When you wooed me, Jamie, 224 00:10:30,203 --> 00:10:32,803 "my eyes opened like petals in spring. 225 00:10:32,803 --> 00:10:36,323 "You lit the first candle in this little heart." 226 00:10:36,323 --> 00:10:38,163 The first, yeah? 227 00:10:40,523 --> 00:10:42,003 All right. 228 00:10:42,003 --> 00:10:44,643 Time to put the cat amongst the pigeons. 229 00:10:50,723 --> 00:10:52,803 Thought I'd save you a load of journeys. 230 00:10:55,563 --> 00:10:56,963 I hadn't taken any. 231 00:10:56,963 --> 00:10:59,643 What? Drugs at Glasto. 232 00:10:59,643 --> 00:11:00,963 I hadn't taken any. 233 00:11:00,963 --> 00:11:02,923 There was no bad trip. 234 00:11:02,923 --> 00:11:04,683 What are you talking about? 235 00:11:04,683 --> 00:11:07,843 I wanted to spend time with you, so I pretended. 236 00:11:07,843 --> 00:11:09,763 I knew you'd look after me, so... 237 00:11:09,763 --> 00:11:12,163 No, Wicky, you said you was hallucinating. 238 00:11:12,163 --> 00:11:13,283 Yeah, it was an act. 239 00:11:13,283 --> 00:11:14,843 A brilliant act. 240 00:11:14,843 --> 00:11:16,043 No, you kept saying, 241 00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:18,323 "My hands are like meat. My hands are as heavy as meat." 242 00:11:18,323 --> 00:11:22,763 "My hands are like...they're heavy as meat, yeah! Maggie!" 243 00:11:22,763 --> 00:11:23,963 Sweet, though, right? 244 00:11:23,963 --> 00:11:26,403 And ten years later... 245 00:11:26,403 --> 00:11:28,083 No, it's bloody mental. 246 00:11:29,283 --> 00:11:32,523 Are you all right? You seem really wound up. 247 00:11:32,523 --> 00:11:34,603 Yes! I'm fine. 248 00:11:34,603 --> 00:11:36,483 JINGLING Bells. 249 00:11:36,483 --> 00:11:39,803 I just think it's sweet I tried to get you on your own. 250 00:11:39,803 --> 00:11:41,403 Well, it backfired, didn't it? 251 00:11:41,403 --> 00:11:43,843 Cos we had to get a bloody taxi back to Brum. 252 00:11:43,843 --> 00:11:47,363 Yeah, with that weirdo. Who takes a taxi to a festival? 253 00:11:47,363 --> 00:11:49,123 Besserman. 254 00:11:50,363 --> 00:11:53,163 Jamie Besserman, that little gimp. 255 00:11:53,163 --> 00:11:56,763 Mmm. He was a hero that weekend because he took us home. 256 00:11:56,763 --> 00:11:59,723 Not really, Maggie. He kept his meter on. He charged me. 257 00:11:59,723 --> 00:12:01,563 That's about right. 258 00:12:01,563 --> 00:12:04,123 He was always going to make money, that boy. 259 00:12:04,123 --> 00:12:06,763 That's not the reason why I married him, of course. 260 00:12:09,643 --> 00:12:11,323 No... 261 00:12:11,323 --> 00:12:12,483 Not Besserman. 262 00:12:12,483 --> 00:12:15,843 Besserman didn't pluck the pooh stick, Maggie? 263 00:12:19,763 --> 00:12:22,163 You married Jamie Besserman? Not being rude, Maggie, 264 00:12:22,163 --> 00:12:24,043 but he's a boring, money-grubbing turd. 265 00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:25,243 He isn't boring. 266 00:12:25,243 --> 00:12:27,523 He's not boring? He used to have a feather collection. 267 00:12:27,523 --> 00:12:29,283 They weren't even good feathers. 268 00:12:29,283 --> 00:12:30,443 Most of them were pigeon. 269 00:12:30,443 --> 00:12:32,163 What does it matter, Wicky? 270 00:12:32,163 --> 00:12:34,523 I just thought, when you and I split up, 271 00:12:34,523 --> 00:12:36,483 you'd end up with someone good. 272 00:12:36,483 --> 00:12:38,123 Not a taxi driver with a massive head. 273 00:12:38,123 --> 00:12:39,243 Massive head? 274 00:12:39,243 --> 00:12:41,403 Grow up. He's a pumpkin-head. 275 00:12:41,403 --> 00:12:42,843 SIGHS 276 00:12:42,843 --> 00:12:45,363 Hey, and I'll tell you something else - 277 00:12:45,363 --> 00:12:48,123 he looks like someone balancing a wheel of cheese on his head. 278 00:12:53,203 --> 00:12:55,443 He stopped talking long enough about his taxi empire 279 00:12:55,443 --> 00:12:57,483 to have a kid, then, did he? Piss off. 280 00:12:57,483 --> 00:13:00,203 He worked so hard in the early days, he was barely home. 281 00:13:00,203 --> 00:13:01,483 Well, that's a result. 282 00:13:01,483 --> 00:13:03,883 You wouldn't have to listen to his rubbish stories. 283 00:13:03,883 --> 00:13:05,883 Oh, come on. You come on. 284 00:13:05,883 --> 00:13:07,243 I once sat in a pub for an hour 285 00:13:07,243 --> 00:13:09,923 listening to him tell me about a time he did a massive hop. 286 00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:11,963 He was bloody good to me. 287 00:13:11,963 --> 00:13:14,763 He worked his arse off so I could get that gallery. 288 00:13:14,763 --> 00:13:16,483 Well, who wouldn't have? 289 00:13:16,483 --> 00:13:18,803 I didn't know you were that serious about your art. 290 00:13:18,803 --> 00:13:19,883 Well, you never asked. 291 00:13:19,883 --> 00:13:21,483 I only took up painting 292 00:13:21,483 --> 00:13:24,123 to avoid being dragged down that bloody pub. 293 00:13:24,123 --> 00:13:26,843 The Horse? You loved it down the Horse. 294 00:13:26,843 --> 00:13:29,603 I once spent the entire weekend watching you and your mates 295 00:13:29,603 --> 00:13:31,763 perfect an impersonation of a local butcher. 296 00:13:33,523 --> 00:13:35,203 Bob Taylor? 297 00:13:35,203 --> 00:13:36,923 Oh, my... 298 00:13:36,923 --> 00:13:38,163 "If you want shome chops 299 00:13:38,163 --> 00:13:39,923 "or shome offcutsh, that'sh fine, 300 00:13:39,923 --> 00:13:41,843 "but if you want shomething more shpecialisht 301 00:13:41,843 --> 00:13:45,043 "like a shirloin, you'll have to come back on Shaturday." 302 00:13:45,043 --> 00:13:46,643 What a legend. 303 00:13:46,643 --> 00:13:49,163 Ah, not with us any more, sadly. 304 00:13:49,163 --> 00:13:50,723 Cansher. 305 00:13:50,723 --> 00:13:54,163 Oh, God, it's like being back down there. 306 00:13:54,163 --> 00:13:56,843 Maggie... Well, show us some of your art, then. 307 00:13:56,843 --> 00:13:58,083 I'm interested. 308 00:14:05,763 --> 00:14:07,043 Ohh! 309 00:14:08,603 --> 00:14:10,283 This is the sort of stuff you're doing. 310 00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:11,963 Yeah, we sell a lot of those. 311 00:14:11,963 --> 00:14:14,163 It's sweet. I still can't believe 312 00:14:14,163 --> 00:14:16,163 you married that taxi driver, but it's sweet. 313 00:14:16,163 --> 00:14:19,803 That was just a practice one when my Tommy was born. 314 00:14:19,803 --> 00:14:21,643 It's his 20th tomorrow. 315 00:14:21,643 --> 00:14:22,723 He's 20? 316 00:14:25,043 --> 00:14:27,163 And when did you and Besserman get together? 317 00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:29,603 Oh, don't start. 318 00:14:30,763 --> 00:14:32,283 It was way after we broke up. 319 00:14:32,283 --> 00:14:34,083 Oh, my God. 320 00:14:34,083 --> 00:14:35,523 What? 321 00:14:36,723 --> 00:14:38,043 I knew it. 322 00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:39,443 Knew what? 323 00:14:39,443 --> 00:14:41,563 I knew it as soon as I saw him. 324 00:14:42,603 --> 00:14:44,363 My sweet child. 325 00:14:46,043 --> 00:14:47,563 He's got Dad's eyes. 326 00:14:49,363 --> 00:14:50,523 Now you laugh at me. 327 00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:53,563 You deny me my son for 20 years, then you laugh at me? 328 00:14:53,563 --> 00:14:55,203 Then I deny my son! 329 00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:00,683 Plastic? You would emboss my son upon plastic? 330 00:15:00,683 --> 00:15:02,963 He's not yours, you tit. 331 00:15:02,963 --> 00:15:05,643 He's five-foot three and likes vegetables. 332 00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:08,083 Right, well, you must have got together with Besserman 333 00:15:08,083 --> 00:15:11,043 pretty quickly after we split up, Maggie. Well, we obviously did, 334 00:15:11,043 --> 00:15:12,683 but, Wicky, what would you have done? 335 00:15:12,683 --> 00:15:15,403 Taught him how to do impressions of a local butcher? 336 00:15:15,403 --> 00:15:17,403 Oh, yeah, that's funny, is it? 337 00:15:17,403 --> 00:15:19,723 LAUGHS BITTERLY 338 00:15:19,723 --> 00:15:21,163 Is this funny? 339 00:15:23,483 --> 00:15:25,203 GAGS Blood! 340 00:15:25,203 --> 00:15:26,243 Yeah. 341 00:15:26,243 --> 00:15:27,883 Wicky, close it. 342 00:15:27,883 --> 00:15:29,643 Away with you... 343 00:15:29,643 --> 00:15:32,323 ..gip queen. RETCHES 344 00:15:36,643 --> 00:15:37,683 Wicky... 345 00:15:39,123 --> 00:15:40,163 It's safe. 346 00:15:41,843 --> 00:15:43,483 Ooh. 347 00:15:43,483 --> 00:15:45,363 You're good, you, aren't you? 348 00:15:45,363 --> 00:15:46,483 Yeah. 349 00:15:47,883 --> 00:15:49,603 Sorry. I was a bit mean before. 350 00:15:50,643 --> 00:15:52,483 We had a good time, didn't we? 351 00:15:52,483 --> 00:15:54,443 Course we did. 352 00:15:55,723 --> 00:15:57,843 Do you want another cup of tea? 353 00:15:57,843 --> 00:15:59,123 Yeah. 354 00:16:12,803 --> 00:16:14,003 "When you make love to me, 355 00:16:14,003 --> 00:16:16,163 "I know that I've never been touched before. 356 00:16:16,163 --> 00:16:19,283 "All previous lovers were dust thrown into the wind. 357 00:16:19,283 --> 00:16:22,763 "To tickle and tease me before I opened my petals for you." 358 00:16:22,763 --> 00:16:24,403 Oh, come on! 359 00:16:24,403 --> 00:16:25,443 You come on! 360 00:16:28,643 --> 00:16:30,563 Do you remember our holiday to Greece? 361 00:16:30,563 --> 00:16:32,083 I do. 362 00:16:32,083 --> 00:16:33,243 Perfect, wasn't it? 363 00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:35,643 No. You brought Weasel. 364 00:16:35,643 --> 00:16:37,523 Yeah, yeah, well, I had to bring him, didn't I? 365 00:16:37,523 --> 00:16:39,443 He'd just had a hernia operation. 366 00:16:39,443 --> 00:16:41,603 That's not the reason I remember Greece anyway. 367 00:16:41,603 --> 00:16:43,883 Eh? Come on. 368 00:16:43,883 --> 00:16:46,443 We were shagging for the whole trip, weren't we? Oh, yeah. 369 00:16:46,443 --> 00:16:48,323 It was a bit early-days frenetic, wasn't it? 370 00:16:48,323 --> 00:16:49,683 BOTH LAUGH 371 00:16:49,683 --> 00:16:51,083 Yeah, yeah. 372 00:16:51,083 --> 00:16:52,763 We always did have good sex. 373 00:16:54,483 --> 00:16:56,003 We did, yeah. 374 00:16:57,963 --> 00:16:59,523 What was that? What? 375 00:16:59,523 --> 00:17:00,723 That... 376 00:17:00,723 --> 00:17:03,163 No, nothing. No, it was good. It was good. 377 00:17:03,163 --> 00:17:06,283 What? Well, it was a bit samey. 378 00:17:07,723 --> 00:17:09,003 Samey? 379 00:17:09,003 --> 00:17:11,723 Yeah, but that's all right. I mean, it's not your fault. 380 00:17:11,723 --> 00:17:13,803 You're not built for a variety of angles, 381 00:17:13,803 --> 00:17:15,083 are you? You're so tall. 382 00:17:15,083 --> 00:17:18,403 I'm all about the angles. People know me for the angles. 383 00:17:18,403 --> 00:17:21,283 Wicky, it's like being taken from behind 384 00:17:21,283 --> 00:17:22,763 by the Eiffel Tower, 385 00:17:22,763 --> 00:17:25,203 and you can't go on top, which is... 386 00:17:25,203 --> 00:17:27,083 Are you actually joking? 387 00:17:27,083 --> 00:17:28,563 I'm amazing on top. 388 00:17:28,563 --> 00:17:31,443 It's easy for you to say. You're not trapped under this. 389 00:17:32,843 --> 00:17:34,363 You're shit at art. 390 00:17:35,363 --> 00:17:37,963 I knew it. You've been dying to say that. 391 00:17:37,963 --> 00:17:39,563 Well, there you go. 392 00:17:39,563 --> 00:17:40,963 Sorry I wasn't the first one 393 00:17:40,963 --> 00:17:42,803 to open up your dusty petals or whatever. 394 00:17:42,803 --> 00:17:44,523 What? 395 00:17:44,523 --> 00:17:47,163 Yeah, don't even... I found the letters 396 00:17:47,163 --> 00:17:49,243 and I don't even feel bad about reading them. 397 00:17:49,243 --> 00:17:51,763 Honestly, I feel like I dodged a bullet. 398 00:17:51,763 --> 00:17:54,443 I'm amazed you weren't gipping while you were writing these. 399 00:17:54,443 --> 00:17:57,163 "Oh, I love our little holiday home. 400 00:17:57,163 --> 00:17:59,923 "As soon as I see you, it makes my pooky all wet." 401 00:17:59,923 --> 00:18:02,243 Named your vagina, have you, you monster? 402 00:18:02,243 --> 00:18:04,363 "Even if I have to share you with her..." 403 00:18:04,363 --> 00:18:07,443 "Share you with her," whoever that... 404 00:18:08,803 --> 00:18:13,603 Because the... the sharing is, um, with... 405 00:18:14,603 --> 00:18:15,803 Yeah. 406 00:18:17,083 --> 00:18:19,883 I never sent Jamie letters, Wicky. 407 00:18:20,923 --> 00:18:22,163 These aren't your letters. 408 00:18:22,163 --> 00:18:23,963 They're not my letters. 409 00:18:25,403 --> 00:18:29,803 So these would have been written by someone to... 410 00:18:29,803 --> 00:18:31,283 To my husband, yeah. 411 00:18:31,283 --> 00:18:33,403 That's what the, uh... 412 00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:36,683 Meant you. 413 00:18:44,523 --> 00:18:46,523 What a knobhead. 414 00:18:53,963 --> 00:18:55,323 She means Besserman. 415 00:18:59,083 --> 00:19:01,683 "Oh, Jay, what did I do before we met? 416 00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:04,363 "You deflowered me." I hope it wasn't in my bathroom. 417 00:19:04,363 --> 00:19:05,643 There she goes, yeah. 418 00:19:05,643 --> 00:19:07,283 "When you make love to me, 419 00:19:07,283 --> 00:19:10,043 "I know that I've never been touched before." 420 00:19:10,043 --> 00:19:11,123 What? Bullshit. 421 00:19:11,123 --> 00:19:13,803 Jay? He hated being called Jay. 422 00:19:13,803 --> 00:19:17,043 That is not a proper use of an apostrophe. Look. 423 00:19:17,043 --> 00:19:19,043 Who calls her snatch a pooky? LAUGHS 424 00:19:20,883 --> 00:19:21,963 Ugh! 425 00:19:21,963 --> 00:19:23,243 Jamie Besserman. 426 00:19:23,243 --> 00:19:24,843 This is the size of his head. 427 00:19:24,843 --> 00:19:28,683 This is what I think of your pooh sticks, Pooky. 428 00:19:28,683 --> 00:19:30,083 He was shit in bed anyway. 429 00:19:31,523 --> 00:19:33,763 Ah, I'm so sorry, Mags. 430 00:19:33,763 --> 00:19:34,803 It's OK. 431 00:19:34,803 --> 00:19:35,883 Do you know what? 432 00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:38,523 I think I always knew he was cheating, really. I don't know. 433 00:19:38,523 --> 00:19:40,483 Yeah. He must have been meeting her here 434 00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:41,723 for years, then, was he? 435 00:19:41,723 --> 00:19:43,203 Yeah, on business trips. 436 00:19:44,243 --> 00:19:46,843 Brainstorming new ideas, eh? Alone. 437 00:19:46,843 --> 00:19:49,563 What a bastard. In our holiday home, too. 438 00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:53,043 Bet you wish you'd come to that birthday party now, eh? 439 00:19:53,043 --> 00:19:54,523 Oh, here we go. 440 00:19:55,603 --> 00:19:58,043 BOTH MIMIC VIOLIN MUSIC 441 00:19:58,043 --> 00:19:59,363 You missed a great party... 442 00:19:59,363 --> 00:20:01,763 ..forward slash, faithful life partner. 443 00:20:03,083 --> 00:20:04,883 I was waiting for you, you know. 444 00:20:06,763 --> 00:20:08,563 Had such a bloody laugh down the pub. 445 00:20:08,563 --> 00:20:11,803 Then the boys had organised that rave. 446 00:20:12,963 --> 00:20:16,083 I felt so stupidly free... 447 00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:18,363 ..but I was looking for you. 448 00:20:20,603 --> 00:20:23,123 And you just never came. 449 00:20:23,123 --> 00:20:25,243 ECHOING: Maggie! 450 00:20:27,043 --> 00:20:28,363 I know. 451 00:20:28,363 --> 00:20:31,723 You were the only one I wanted there. 452 00:20:33,003 --> 00:20:34,163 I'm here now. 453 00:21:10,043 --> 00:21:13,443 Right, trousers off, lie down. What do you mean? 454 00:21:13,443 --> 00:21:16,243 Come on, Wicky. We both know it only works one way for us. 455 00:21:16,243 --> 00:21:18,923 It does not only work one way for us. 456 00:21:18,923 --> 00:21:20,043 You just watch. 457 00:21:20,043 --> 00:21:21,843 There you go - this would nearly work. 458 00:21:21,843 --> 00:21:22,923 Nearly, yeah. 459 00:21:22,923 --> 00:21:24,563 Well, go up on your tiptoes. 460 00:21:24,563 --> 00:21:25,923 That's going to hurt my feet. 461 00:21:25,923 --> 00:21:28,403 All right, Nana. LAUGHS 462 00:21:28,403 --> 00:21:31,123 You could get on these. You're not jacking me up. 463 00:21:31,123 --> 00:21:32,603 I'm not a bloody car. 464 00:21:32,603 --> 00:21:33,723 What's this? 465 00:21:33,723 --> 00:21:35,963 Just looked it up online. It's froggy style. 466 00:21:35,963 --> 00:21:37,403 Who's the frog? I'm the frog! 467 00:21:37,403 --> 00:21:39,563 Agh! Oh, you all right? 468 00:21:41,043 --> 00:21:43,203 There, what's wrong with this? 469 00:21:43,203 --> 00:21:44,563 How long can you keep that up? 470 00:21:44,563 --> 00:21:47,003 You've got no upper-body strength, love. Yeah. 471 00:21:47,003 --> 00:21:48,323 Yay! 472 00:21:48,323 --> 00:21:50,163 MAGGIE SHRIEKS AND LAUGHS 473 00:21:50,163 --> 00:21:52,043 Oh, this is better than sex anyway. 474 00:21:52,043 --> 00:21:53,763 Suck my toe. 475 00:21:53,763 --> 00:21:56,403 SIGHS Stop being weird. 476 00:21:56,403 --> 00:21:58,523 You still get lower-back problems? 477 00:21:58,523 --> 00:22:00,643 Yeah, it does spasm a bit, yeah. 478 00:22:00,643 --> 00:22:01,803 Yeah. 479 00:22:01,803 --> 00:22:03,123 Put me down. 480 00:22:07,643 --> 00:22:08,803 Yeah. 481 00:22:08,803 --> 00:22:10,403 Maybe it didn't work. 482 00:22:10,403 --> 00:22:11,843 I told you. 483 00:22:19,083 --> 00:22:20,363 See? 484 00:22:21,443 --> 00:22:25,083 Just like the old days. 485 00:22:31,443 --> 00:22:32,923 PENCIL SCRATCHES 486 00:22:35,243 --> 00:22:37,603 Stay still. Sorry. 487 00:22:37,603 --> 00:22:39,323 I've got a point to prove too. 488 00:22:42,443 --> 00:22:44,323 What are you going to do? 489 00:22:44,323 --> 00:22:46,243 Go home for my son's birthday. 490 00:22:46,243 --> 00:22:47,843 Really? Yeah. 491 00:22:47,843 --> 00:22:49,883 I have to be there for his birthday. 492 00:22:49,883 --> 00:22:52,283 You understand that, being his dad. GROANS 493 00:22:55,643 --> 00:22:58,283 What about Besserman? Are you going to forgive him? 494 00:22:59,363 --> 00:23:00,403 What do you think? 495 00:23:04,203 --> 00:23:05,323 EXHALES 496 00:23:07,203 --> 00:23:08,443 What? 497 00:23:08,443 --> 00:23:09,643 Nothing. 498 00:23:11,843 --> 00:23:14,523 I know that face. Say what's on your mind. 499 00:23:14,523 --> 00:23:16,523 It's funny, isn't it? 500 00:23:16,523 --> 00:23:18,123 I've thought loads over the years 501 00:23:18,123 --> 00:23:19,403 about what I'd say to you, 502 00:23:19,403 --> 00:23:21,483 but, now you're here, I haven't got a voice. 503 00:23:21,483 --> 00:23:23,523 Well, what would he say? 504 00:23:23,523 --> 00:23:24,643 Who? 505 00:23:24,643 --> 00:23:26,923 The legend, of course. Bob Taylor. 506 00:23:26,923 --> 00:23:28,163 Oh! Oh... 507 00:23:30,243 --> 00:23:33,203 Well, I shupposhe, fundamentally shpeaking, 508 00:23:33,203 --> 00:23:35,603 if I wash being honesht, 509 00:23:35,603 --> 00:23:39,443 if I was shpeaking, if I may, from the shentre of my shoul... 510 00:23:39,443 --> 00:23:41,483 Get on with it, Bob. 511 00:23:41,483 --> 00:23:43,203 ..that shince you left... 512 00:23:44,323 --> 00:23:48,083 ..I have been waiting for you... 513 00:23:52,883 --> 00:23:56,043 ..and that with every birthday that passes, 514 00:23:56,043 --> 00:23:57,843 I wonder if, this time... 515 00:23:58,843 --> 00:24:00,683 ..you'll come back. 516 00:24:02,643 --> 00:24:04,243 Oh, Wicky. 517 00:24:12,403 --> 00:24:14,083 I have to go. 518 00:24:29,483 --> 00:24:31,203 He's not a big man, is he, Besserman? 519 00:24:31,203 --> 00:24:34,243 Yeah, cos he's the freaky-size one. 520 00:24:34,243 --> 00:24:35,843 LAUGHS 521 00:24:35,843 --> 00:24:36,883 Oh... 522 00:24:45,763 --> 00:24:47,723 Off, then? Yeah. 523 00:24:47,723 --> 00:24:49,763 Good. Listen, I've got stuff to do. 524 00:24:49,763 --> 00:24:53,083 I've got to fumigate the place anyway... Of course, yeah, yeah. 525 00:24:53,083 --> 00:24:54,803 So, yeah, do a good job, innit? 526 00:24:54,803 --> 00:24:55,923 I guess, uh... 527 00:24:57,403 --> 00:24:59,083 ..we'll never know, then, will we, 528 00:24:59,083 --> 00:25:02,603 you know, what would have happened if you'd turned up to the birthday? 529 00:25:02,603 --> 00:25:05,323 I think we do, yeah. Loads of nights in the White Horse 530 00:25:05,323 --> 00:25:07,043 watching a man drink his own piss. 531 00:25:08,243 --> 00:25:09,803 You can't go back to him. 532 00:25:09,803 --> 00:25:12,563 I'm not going back to him, Wicky. 533 00:25:12,563 --> 00:25:14,683 Well, good. That's good. 534 00:25:14,683 --> 00:25:16,043 You left me for the wrong bloke. 535 00:25:16,043 --> 00:25:18,643 I didn't leave you for Jamie. 536 00:25:18,643 --> 00:25:20,763 Or because of your weird friends. 537 00:25:20,763 --> 00:25:23,283 Or because of any other conspiracy theory. 538 00:25:23,283 --> 00:25:25,483 Right, OK, so I'll pack and I'll... 539 00:25:25,483 --> 00:25:26,803 No. 540 00:25:27,883 --> 00:25:29,283 We had our time, Wicky, 541 00:25:29,283 --> 00:25:32,043 and a bloody good time it was, too, 542 00:25:32,043 --> 00:25:33,723 but it just wasn't enough. 543 00:25:35,163 --> 00:25:36,843 Is it enough for you any more? 544 00:25:36,843 --> 00:25:39,763 I mean, the Happy Mondays are not going to tour forever, are they? 545 00:25:39,763 --> 00:25:41,243 BOTH CHUCKLE 546 00:25:51,203 --> 00:25:52,723 DOOR CLOSES 547 00:25:54,523 --> 00:25:56,043 SIGHS 548 00:26:10,723 --> 00:26:13,043 Yep. Still shit. 549 00:26:13,043 --> 00:26:16,083 MUSIC: Kinky Afro by Happy Mondays 550 00:26:19,163 --> 00:26:21,603 ♪ You go spooky in a band 551 00:26:37,763 --> 00:26:41,203 ♪ Son, I'm 30 552 00:26:41,203 --> 00:26:45,363 ♪ I only went with your mother cos she's dirty 553 00:26:45,363 --> 00:26:49,003 ♪ And I don't have a decent bone in me 554 00:26:49,003 --> 00:26:53,523 PLAYING ON STEREO: # What you get is just what you see, yeah... ♪ 555 00:26:53,523 --> 00:26:57,643 Lads! Let's stay like this forever! 556 00:26:57,643 --> 00:26:59,883 INCOHERENT CHEERS 557 00:27:01,723 --> 00:27:05,443 ♪ ..I never help or give to the needy 558 00:27:05,443 --> 00:27:08,163 ♪ Come on and see me... ♪ 559 00:27:09,443 --> 00:27:11,483 Take me away from all this. 560 00:27:11,483 --> 00:27:12,963 Where to? 561 00:27:14,403 --> 00:27:16,323 Anywhere, Jamie. 562 00:27:17,523 --> 00:27:18,763 Anywhere. 563 00:27:18,763 --> 00:27:20,123 ENGINE STARTS 564 00:27:21,763 --> 00:27:24,523 ♪ ..So come on and say it 565 00:27:25,723 --> 00:27:28,763 ♪ Now, come on and tell me twice 566 00:27:42,363 --> 00:27:46,243 ♪ I said, "Dad, you are shabby." 567 00:27:46,243 --> 00:27:50,603 ♪ You run around and groove like a baggy 568 00:27:50,603 --> 00:27:54,723 ♪ You're only here just out of habit... ♪ 569 00:27:54,723 --> 00:27:56,883 PHONE RINGS WICKY: All right? 570 00:27:56,883 --> 00:27:58,043 Well, well, well. 571 00:27:58,043 --> 00:27:59,803 Yeah, I've just finished. 572 00:27:59,803 --> 00:28:02,603 It was a messy one. Very messy. 573 00:28:02,603 --> 00:28:04,483 I'm sure you've done a lovely job, Mr Mop. 574 00:28:04,483 --> 00:28:06,163 Yeah, of course I have. 575 00:28:06,163 --> 00:28:07,923 I'll tell you what, though. 576 00:28:07,923 --> 00:28:09,923 First job in years that's made me gip. 577 00:28:09,923 --> 00:28:11,283 Don't tell anyone, eh? 578 00:28:11,283 --> 00:28:14,363 Right, well, you buy me a drink when I see you on Friday 579 00:28:14,363 --> 00:28:16,883 and I'll, um... I'll keep it quiet. 580 00:28:18,963 --> 00:28:21,603 Friday? Am I seeing you on Friday? 581 00:28:21,603 --> 00:28:23,923 Yeah, at the Horse. It's your birthday, isn't it? 582 00:28:23,923 --> 00:28:26,003 Oh, yeah. 583 00:28:26,003 --> 00:28:27,603 Yeah, it is. 584 00:28:27,603 --> 00:28:29,163 See you then, then. 585 00:28:29,163 --> 00:28:30,803 See you then. 586 00:28:32,643 --> 00:28:35,963 ♪ ..Go on and say it 587 00:28:37,763 --> 00:28:41,203 ♪ Yippee-yippee aye-aye-ay yay-yay 588 00:28:41,203 --> 00:28:45,083 ♪ I had to crucify some brother today 589 00:28:45,083 --> 00:28:48,963 ♪ And I don't hear what you gotta say 590 00:28:48,963 --> 00:28:52,083 ♪ So come on and say it 591 00:28:53,203 --> 00:28:56,203 ♪ Come on and tell me twice. ♪