1 00:00:02,763 --> 00:00:04,163 ENGINE STARTS 2 00:00:06,883 --> 00:00:08,123 GEAR GRINDS 3 00:00:35,243 --> 00:00:37,363 Oh, here he comes - Mr Mop. 4 00:00:37,363 --> 00:00:39,643 I don't use a mop, as well you know. 5 00:00:39,643 --> 00:00:40,923 What are we looking at? 6 00:00:40,923 --> 00:00:43,643 The most boring bloodbath I've ever seen. 7 00:00:43,643 --> 00:00:46,203 Posh old lady disturbs burglar. He falls down the stairs 8 00:00:46,203 --> 00:00:48,163 and dies. Case closed. 9 00:00:48,163 --> 00:00:49,723 Didn't stretch the DC's expertise. 10 00:00:49,723 --> 00:00:51,203 Poor old girl, though. 11 00:00:51,203 --> 00:00:53,083 Oh, I wouldn't shed too many tears for her. 12 00:00:53,083 --> 00:00:54,523 She's a pain in the arse. Tony! 13 00:00:54,523 --> 00:00:56,163 What have I told you? Sorry. 14 00:00:57,443 --> 00:00:59,763 He's right. She's a pain in the arse. 15 00:00:59,763 --> 00:01:03,523 Get her precious floorboards clean, and I'll aim to bring you something more juicy next time. 16 00:01:03,523 --> 00:01:05,123 Yeah, just no blood on curtains. 17 00:01:05,123 --> 00:01:06,963 You've got a compulsion to kill - fine. 18 00:01:06,963 --> 00:01:08,483 Do it in the bath! 19 00:01:08,483 --> 00:01:10,523 How come you weren't at Villa on Saturday? 20 00:01:10,523 --> 00:01:12,643 Someone was sick in my shoes. 21 00:01:12,643 --> 00:01:14,643 Weasel? Of course Weasel. 22 00:01:14,643 --> 00:01:16,283 Why do you keep hanging out with him? 23 00:01:16,283 --> 00:01:17,603 I don't hang out with him. 24 00:01:17,603 --> 00:01:20,603 I've been asking him to stop following me since primary school. 25 00:01:20,603 --> 00:01:22,723 Took me ages to get 'em clean. 26 00:01:22,723 --> 00:01:24,603 Poor Mr Mop - always cleaning. 27 00:01:24,603 --> 00:01:26,363 I don't use a mop, though, do I, Ruth? 28 00:01:26,363 --> 00:01:28,963 Oh, that's Sergeant Edwards, if you don't mind. 29 00:01:38,043 --> 00:01:39,963 DOORBELL RINGS Hello? 30 00:01:39,963 --> 00:01:41,603 Hello, it's Wicky from Lausen. 31 00:01:41,603 --> 00:01:44,483 Who? Lausen, the cleaning company. 32 00:01:44,483 --> 00:01:45,763 The police sent us. 33 00:01:45,763 --> 00:01:48,803 Well, you're not the charming elderly gentleman I spoke to. 34 00:01:48,803 --> 00:01:50,963 No, that's the boss. He sent me. 35 00:01:50,963 --> 00:01:52,843 Although, when it comes to charm, I... 36 00:01:52,843 --> 00:01:54,003 And you are? 37 00:01:54,003 --> 00:01:55,163 Wicky. 38 00:01:55,163 --> 00:01:57,123 And that's on your birth certificate, is it? 39 00:01:57,123 --> 00:01:59,923 Sorry, Paul Wickstead. It's Wicky for short. 40 00:01:59,923 --> 00:02:01,203 ID, please. 41 00:02:03,923 --> 00:02:05,243 Step back! 42 00:02:05,243 --> 00:02:07,683 It's not a wide-angled lens, man! 43 00:02:07,683 --> 00:02:09,003 Jesus. Sorry, Nana. 44 00:02:09,003 --> 00:02:11,443 Did you call me Nana? 45 00:02:11,443 --> 00:02:13,443 No. You did. 46 00:02:13,443 --> 00:02:14,843 You called me Nana. 47 00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:17,443 Perhaps you'd like to meet Saltren. 48 00:02:17,443 --> 00:02:18,963 Kill him, Saltren! DOG BARKS 49 00:02:18,963 --> 00:02:20,363 Bite to kill! Jesus! 50 00:02:20,363 --> 00:02:22,643 There's no need to set a bloody dog on me. I'm only... 51 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:23,683 BARKING STOPS 52 00:02:25,163 --> 00:02:27,723 I don't have a dog. You don't? 53 00:02:28,763 --> 00:02:31,283 BEEP, DOG BARKS 54 00:02:31,283 --> 00:02:32,323 BEEP, BARKING STOPS 55 00:02:34,803 --> 00:02:37,443 Listen, I'm sorry about the Nana thing. 56 00:02:37,443 --> 00:02:38,603 Boots off, please! 57 00:02:38,603 --> 00:02:40,163 Oh, I've got covers. 58 00:02:40,163 --> 00:02:41,803 Professionalism at last. 59 00:02:48,323 --> 00:02:51,243 That vase - how much do you think it's worth? 60 00:02:51,243 --> 00:02:52,403 Pfft. 61 00:02:52,403 --> 00:02:53,843 200 quid. 62 00:02:53,843 --> 00:02:58,323 It was valued at auction at £20,000. 63 00:02:58,323 --> 00:03:00,723 Jesus Christ! What's it doing in the hall? 64 00:03:00,723 --> 00:03:01,763 Exactly. 65 00:03:01,763 --> 00:03:05,643 This is not a house where you may flail your arms around. 66 00:03:05,643 --> 00:03:08,683 In here, your movement must be poised, thoughtful. 67 00:03:08,683 --> 00:03:11,563 You must be a heron. 68 00:03:11,563 --> 00:03:13,403 What must you be? 69 00:03:15,683 --> 00:03:16,723 A heron? 70 00:03:16,723 --> 00:03:18,363 A heron. 71 00:03:18,363 --> 00:03:21,523 CLOCK CHIMES 72 00:03:35,643 --> 00:03:37,723 So where did it happen? 73 00:03:37,723 --> 00:03:39,563 I'm kidding. I can see it happened there. 74 00:03:39,563 --> 00:03:41,163 Sorry. Was it awful? 75 00:03:41,163 --> 00:03:42,403 It must have been awful. 76 00:03:42,403 --> 00:03:43,563 Devastating. 77 00:03:43,563 --> 00:03:46,123 Absolutely devastating. 78 00:03:46,123 --> 00:03:49,003 Oh, the...the footprints are from my cat. 79 00:03:49,003 --> 00:03:50,363 She has been disciplined. 80 00:03:52,683 --> 00:03:54,003 OK. BEEP 81 00:03:54,003 --> 00:03:55,763 Primarily surface-level staining. 82 00:03:55,763 --> 00:03:57,163 Original oak floorboards. 83 00:03:57,163 --> 00:03:58,763 I mean, they're more porous than some, 84 00:03:58,763 --> 00:04:00,003 but not a disaster. 85 00:04:01,003 --> 00:04:03,363 Yeah, full restoration. OK, this is a category six. 86 00:04:03,363 --> 00:04:05,003 A category six? 87 00:04:05,003 --> 00:04:06,483 Surface-level staining. 88 00:04:06,483 --> 00:04:08,123 You got off very lightly, believe me. 89 00:04:08,123 --> 00:04:10,043 Yesterday was a lump hammer killing 90 00:04:10,043 --> 00:04:12,363 in a head teacher's office. I practically had to torch the gaff. 91 00:04:12,363 --> 00:04:14,363 Oh. No, this is fine. 92 00:04:14,363 --> 00:04:15,843 Don't you worry. 93 00:04:15,843 --> 00:04:18,763 By the end of the day, it will be a distant memory 94 00:04:18,763 --> 00:04:22,003 that a man bled to death here, in your home. 95 00:04:23,123 --> 00:04:24,283 To business. 96 00:04:24,283 --> 00:04:27,243 SHE SOBS 97 00:04:27,243 --> 00:04:28,363 I'm sorry. 98 00:04:28,363 --> 00:04:30,883 I'm sorry, it must have been awful. 99 00:04:30,883 --> 00:04:33,323 It's a miracle that I survived. 100 00:04:33,323 --> 00:04:36,923 At first, I thought the noise that woke me must be the cat. 101 00:04:36,923 --> 00:04:39,603 God knows, she's a heavy-footed madam when she's tired. 102 00:04:39,603 --> 00:04:41,563 When I came to check... 103 00:04:43,843 --> 00:04:45,243 ..there he was. 104 00:04:46,363 --> 00:04:48,363 He must have thought that I was... 105 00:04:48,363 --> 00:04:51,243 ..I was out, because he looked shocked. 106 00:04:51,243 --> 00:04:54,243 And that's when he took out a knife...this big! 107 00:04:54,243 --> 00:04:55,883 Yikes. 108 00:04:55,883 --> 00:04:58,443 He pushed me into the chair with such a force, 109 00:04:58,443 --> 00:05:00,563 I still feel like I've been skiing! 110 00:05:00,563 --> 00:05:02,363 God, skiing? Shit. 111 00:05:02,363 --> 00:05:05,883 And then he demanded to know where the jewel safe was, 112 00:05:05,883 --> 00:05:08,643 and I was not going to reveal that. 113 00:05:08,643 --> 00:05:10,243 Hey! Now, that is silly. 114 00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:12,283 Jewellery's not worth dying for... 115 00:05:12,283 --> 00:05:14,523 ..unless it's really nice jewellery. 116 00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:16,963 Yours is really nice jewellery, isn't it? 117 00:05:16,963 --> 00:05:20,363 And that is exactly why I feigned passing out. 118 00:05:20,363 --> 00:05:22,043 Clever girl. 119 00:05:22,043 --> 00:05:23,243 Sorry. Lady. 120 00:05:23,243 --> 00:05:24,683 Person. Go on. 121 00:05:24,683 --> 00:05:28,283 Well, I continued to monitor him through one eye. 122 00:05:28,283 --> 00:05:29,723 Classic half-peep. 123 00:05:29,723 --> 00:05:31,563 Sounds like you played a blinder. 124 00:05:31,563 --> 00:05:32,923 Well, a peeper. 125 00:05:32,923 --> 00:05:34,723 Doesn't matter. Peepy blinders. Go on. 126 00:05:34,723 --> 00:05:37,003 Well, I stealthily observed him 127 00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:39,563 lowering swag through the window, 128 00:05:39,563 --> 00:05:43,083 and he... Oh, I can barely bring myself to say it. 129 00:05:44,603 --> 00:05:46,723 He was... Oh, it was monstrous! 130 00:05:46,723 --> 00:05:47,963 It was awful! 131 00:05:47,963 --> 00:05:49,523 Oh, God, what? 132 00:05:49,523 --> 00:05:52,723 He stood on the sofa! 133 00:05:54,283 --> 00:05:55,403 The cad! 134 00:05:55,403 --> 00:05:56,683 I leapt to my feet. 135 00:05:56,683 --> 00:05:58,123 "You!" I said. 136 00:05:58,123 --> 00:06:01,523 "You may break into my home and rob my possessions, 137 00:06:01,523 --> 00:06:05,523 "but you will not stand on that sofa in dirty shoes!" 138 00:06:05,523 --> 00:06:08,243 He must have put the knife away and died of embarrassment. 139 00:06:08,243 --> 00:06:10,323 SHE LAUGHS Quite the reverse. 140 00:06:10,323 --> 00:06:14,683 A smirk crept across his dastardly lips. 141 00:06:14,683 --> 00:06:17,843 "This is what I think about your chair, 142 00:06:17,843 --> 00:06:20,443 "you crumpled hag," he said. 143 00:06:20,443 --> 00:06:25,163 And with one swift, awful movement, he did it. 144 00:06:26,483 --> 00:06:27,763 What, the rip? 145 00:06:27,763 --> 00:06:30,563 Well, as my grandson would say, 146 00:06:30,563 --> 00:06:32,403 I lost my shiz. 147 00:06:32,403 --> 00:06:35,323 You kicked him in the throat. I threw a cushion at him. 148 00:06:35,323 --> 00:06:36,483 Also good. 149 00:06:36,483 --> 00:06:38,043 It was a heavy cushion? 150 00:06:38,043 --> 00:06:39,483 Well, he gave chase, 151 00:06:39,483 --> 00:06:43,443 following me to the foot of the stairs. 152 00:06:43,443 --> 00:06:45,763 But I have maintained senior Pilates 153 00:06:45,763 --> 00:06:48,363 and am stronger than he had bargained for. 154 00:06:50,083 --> 00:06:53,323 We grappled, but he lost his footing. 155 00:06:53,323 --> 00:06:55,523 He grabbed at the shields, the clubs, 156 00:06:55,523 --> 00:06:58,243 anything on the wall. 157 00:06:58,243 --> 00:07:00,843 No respect for any one of them. 158 00:07:00,843 --> 00:07:02,443 Then the die was cast. 159 00:07:02,443 --> 00:07:04,523 I watched him tumble, 160 00:07:04,523 --> 00:07:06,723 as if in a dream, 161 00:07:06,723 --> 00:07:09,043 his fall broken... 162 00:07:09,043 --> 00:07:11,123 ..by his own head. 163 00:07:13,523 --> 00:07:14,763 Sheesh! 164 00:07:14,763 --> 00:07:17,843 The sound his neck made on impact 165 00:07:17,843 --> 00:07:19,883 will haunt me for life. 166 00:07:19,883 --> 00:07:21,723 It was like... SHE SIGHS 167 00:07:21,723 --> 00:07:23,443 Someone biting a Crunchie? 168 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:26,123 A mighty oak finally succumbing to the woodman's axe. 169 00:07:26,123 --> 00:07:27,603 Yeah, that's way better, yeah. 170 00:07:27,603 --> 00:07:31,883 I ran down to find him gasping in lungfuls of air. 171 00:07:31,883 --> 00:07:34,843 He wasn't dead? I quickly arranged him into the recovery position. 172 00:07:34,843 --> 00:07:36,243 Someone was a Brownie. 173 00:07:36,243 --> 00:07:38,603 I was a surgeon in the RAF! 174 00:07:38,603 --> 00:07:39,923 SARCASTICALLY: Yeah. 175 00:07:39,923 --> 00:07:42,523 I made him comfortable, but, alas, 176 00:07:42,523 --> 00:07:44,243 with a sickening gurgle... 177 00:07:46,123 --> 00:07:47,443 ..he was gone. 178 00:07:49,003 --> 00:07:51,763 Well, I think it's pretty cool that you even tried to help him. 179 00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:54,723 I have lived long enough to know the right thing to do, 180 00:07:54,723 --> 00:07:56,123 young man. Ha! 181 00:07:56,123 --> 00:07:57,403 Next birthday... 182 00:07:58,803 --> 00:08:01,643 ..I shall be 87 years of age. 183 00:08:01,643 --> 00:08:02,683 Right. 184 00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:07,403 You do not look 87. 185 00:08:07,403 --> 00:08:08,803 SHE CHUCKLES 186 00:08:08,803 --> 00:08:11,923 Oh, that silver tongue of yours will get you anywhere. 187 00:08:13,763 --> 00:08:15,163 Right, I'd better get on. 188 00:08:15,163 --> 00:08:17,683 I have in mind you might care for a pot of tea. 189 00:08:17,683 --> 00:08:20,083 I think I better earn it first, don't you? 190 00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:23,003 And I'll start by getting that taken away. 191 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,563 What do you mean, taken away? 192 00:08:25,563 --> 00:08:27,203 Sorry, did you want it re-covered? 193 00:08:27,203 --> 00:08:29,643 SHE GASPS Do you enjoy being 194 00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:31,363 an ignorant pig? Whoa! 195 00:08:32,363 --> 00:08:33,403 It's just a sofa. 196 00:08:37,243 --> 00:08:40,483 The Bulldog himself sat there. 197 00:08:40,483 --> 00:08:42,883 You're not talking about a real dog, are you? 198 00:08:42,883 --> 00:08:45,603 Winston Churchill! 199 00:08:45,603 --> 00:08:47,003 Oh, him! 200 00:08:47,003 --> 00:08:49,123 Blimey, doesn't look like it could take his weight. 201 00:08:49,123 --> 00:08:51,323 How dare you mock the great man! 202 00:08:51,323 --> 00:08:54,283 Well, I mean, he wasn't shy at the buffet, was he? 203 00:08:54,283 --> 00:08:55,323 Sorry. 204 00:08:55,323 --> 00:08:57,323 Did you meet him? 205 00:08:57,323 --> 00:09:00,003 Fleetingly, as a small girl. 206 00:09:00,003 --> 00:09:01,883 My name is Vivien Hozier. 207 00:09:01,883 --> 00:09:05,243 I am a niece three times removed. 208 00:09:05,243 --> 00:09:08,003 My granny could get her whole hand in her mouth. 209 00:09:08,003 --> 00:09:11,283 It has a rich history. 210 00:09:11,283 --> 00:09:14,043 Balfour smoked on this very sofa, 211 00:09:14,043 --> 00:09:16,403 Chamberlain sipped tea from the colonies 212 00:09:16,403 --> 00:09:18,723 long before Winston faced 213 00:09:18,723 --> 00:09:20,483 that twisted Austrian. Who? 214 00:09:20,483 --> 00:09:21,643 Hitler. 215 00:09:21,643 --> 00:09:23,043 Hitler sat on it? 216 00:09:23,043 --> 00:09:24,403 Cool! 217 00:09:24,403 --> 00:09:26,763 Hitler did not sit on it, for God's sake. 218 00:09:26,763 --> 00:09:29,243 It is a symbol of everything that defeated him. 219 00:09:29,243 --> 00:09:33,963 When we heard that my father had fallen in Normandy... 220 00:09:35,363 --> 00:09:39,843 SHE WAILS: I have mourned on this very sofa! 221 00:09:39,843 --> 00:09:42,003 Right! I won't get it taken away. 222 00:09:42,003 --> 00:09:43,203 SOFT THUDS Hey... 223 00:09:45,683 --> 00:09:46,723 Sorry. 224 00:09:47,723 --> 00:09:49,723 My dad always said I've got a smart mouth, 225 00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:51,203 but it's not connected to a brain. 226 00:09:52,483 --> 00:09:54,203 He made up a song about it, actually. 227 00:09:54,203 --> 00:09:56,203 He's a terrible role model. 228 00:09:58,043 --> 00:10:00,203 You are a simple working man, 229 00:10:00,203 --> 00:10:02,163 I understand that. 230 00:10:02,163 --> 00:10:03,363 Yes. Yes. 231 00:10:03,363 --> 00:10:06,203 You just want to do your job and get home. 232 00:10:06,203 --> 00:10:07,443 I'll do a good job. 233 00:10:07,443 --> 00:10:09,683 Probably can't even read or write. 234 00:10:09,683 --> 00:10:10,723 Hang on. 235 00:10:10,723 --> 00:10:14,683 Try and see this as a piece of history, 236 00:10:14,683 --> 00:10:17,603 not somewhere to break wind and watch television. 237 00:10:17,603 --> 00:10:19,123 Do you have a television? 238 00:10:19,123 --> 00:10:20,483 Yeah. 239 00:10:20,483 --> 00:10:22,523 Yeah, I'm going to get on. 240 00:10:23,843 --> 00:10:25,803 I shall warm the pot! 241 00:10:25,803 --> 00:10:27,563 How many sugars do you take? 242 00:10:27,563 --> 00:10:30,003 I don't take sugar. Oh... 243 00:10:44,803 --> 00:10:47,563 I must say I'm impressed. 244 00:10:47,563 --> 00:10:50,683 You work with devouement. 245 00:10:50,683 --> 00:10:53,603 I think you'll find I work with acetone. 246 00:10:53,603 --> 00:10:56,043 SHE LAUGHS Another little joke. 247 00:10:56,043 --> 00:10:57,563 Your job makes you happy. 248 00:10:57,563 --> 00:11:00,283 I like that. It's just a job. 249 00:11:00,283 --> 00:11:01,723 WICKY SIGHS 250 00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:05,923 He really did bleed, this bloke, didn't he? 251 00:11:05,923 --> 00:11:09,443 And would one...? Would one have to train to be a...? 252 00:11:09,443 --> 00:11:11,643 A crime scene cleaner? Mm. 253 00:11:11,643 --> 00:11:13,923 Of course one would train. Yes, of course. 254 00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:16,283 Well, you're a cut above the woman who does the house. 255 00:11:16,283 --> 00:11:18,763 I mean, she can barely dress herself. 256 00:11:18,763 --> 00:11:20,443 You like your little role, don't you? 257 00:11:22,403 --> 00:11:24,763 Well, I wouldn't do it if I didn't have to, but... 258 00:11:26,563 --> 00:11:28,283 ..you do get to see how people live. 259 00:11:28,283 --> 00:11:31,083 I mean, I say live - they're mainly horribly dead, 260 00:11:31,083 --> 00:11:34,323 but it's a taste of another life, do you know what I mean? 261 00:11:36,523 --> 00:11:39,003 It sounds stupid, but... 262 00:11:39,003 --> 00:11:41,363 Well, go on. 263 00:11:41,363 --> 00:11:44,403 If someone's died in their own home, 264 00:11:44,403 --> 00:11:47,043 I, uh, I like putting things right for them. 265 00:11:47,043 --> 00:11:49,643 "Put things right." How noble. 266 00:11:49,643 --> 00:11:52,523 Well, better for things to be left as they were 267 00:11:52,523 --> 00:11:54,763 in the happy times, you know, before... 268 00:11:54,763 --> 00:11:57,123 Well, before their brains got splattered all over the carpet. 269 00:11:57,123 --> 00:11:59,123 Oh, for God's sake, man. Sorry, 270 00:11:59,123 --> 00:12:01,523 but you be thankful this one was fresh. 271 00:12:01,523 --> 00:12:03,723 If they've been left, it can be rank. 272 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,403 Rank? You don't want to know. 273 00:12:05,403 --> 00:12:08,723 Insects, bacteria - it's gross. 274 00:12:08,723 --> 00:12:10,203 There was one last week... 275 00:12:10,203 --> 00:12:11,963 HE SIGHS 276 00:12:11,963 --> 00:12:14,683 I mean, the stench of decay in that room, 277 00:12:14,683 --> 00:12:17,563 it was so heavy in the air, 278 00:12:17,563 --> 00:12:19,083 it was like... 279 00:12:19,083 --> 00:12:22,243 It was like my nan had farted in my mouth. 280 00:12:22,243 --> 00:12:24,203 And she only ate ham. 281 00:12:24,203 --> 00:12:25,643 Oh, God. Don't worry. 282 00:12:25,643 --> 00:12:28,243 That's only when I do work for the council, you know, 283 00:12:28,243 --> 00:12:30,203 with old people who've... 284 00:12:30,203 --> 00:12:33,363 Died a solitary death, huh? 285 00:12:33,363 --> 00:12:36,923 I'm sure you will live for many years to come. 286 00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:41,163 I shall die at 93, like all the rest of my family. 287 00:12:41,163 --> 00:12:42,763 Leave me your card. 288 00:12:42,763 --> 00:12:45,363 I should like you to put things right for me 289 00:12:45,363 --> 00:12:47,003 when the time comes. 290 00:12:47,003 --> 00:12:48,643 Oh, I shall pay in advance. 291 00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:51,163 Do you think you'll still be cleaning in five years? 292 00:12:51,163 --> 00:12:53,563 And she still thinks I'm just a cleaner. 293 00:12:54,843 --> 00:12:57,083 Observe. Oh, you can leave that. 294 00:12:57,083 --> 00:12:58,883 It's an old stain. I've tried to get it out 295 00:12:58,883 --> 00:13:01,043 for over a decade. Is that right? 296 00:13:01,043 --> 00:13:02,083 Mm. 297 00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:11,603 Oh... 298 00:13:14,123 --> 00:13:16,443 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Et voila! 299 00:13:16,443 --> 00:13:18,923 Oh! Looks like the training paid off, doesn't it? 300 00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:20,283 Oh, it's a miracle! 301 00:13:20,283 --> 00:13:21,563 Could I borrow that? 302 00:13:21,563 --> 00:13:24,563 I have a job it could make light work of. 303 00:13:24,563 --> 00:13:26,283 You'll have to get me to do it. 304 00:13:26,283 --> 00:13:28,523 This stuff's serious. You have to have a permit. 305 00:13:28,523 --> 00:13:31,363 I once saw it dissolve an entire mouse. 306 00:13:31,363 --> 00:13:33,403 You are rather good at what you do. 307 00:13:33,403 --> 00:13:35,163 You sound surprised. I am. 308 00:13:35,163 --> 00:13:36,683 Oh, believe me, I am. 309 00:13:38,123 --> 00:13:42,123 Not on there! It's Regency, for God's sake! 310 00:13:42,123 --> 00:13:45,163 This is a very confusing relationship! 311 00:14:02,603 --> 00:14:03,643 Miss Hozier? 312 00:14:07,483 --> 00:14:08,883 Miss Hozier? 313 00:14:21,523 --> 00:14:23,123 Shut up! 314 00:14:29,763 --> 00:14:33,323 Oh, my God! Do you want my heart to explode? 315 00:14:33,323 --> 00:14:35,003 Tell me this isn't yours. 316 00:14:36,723 --> 00:14:40,483 This house has been in my family for generations. 317 00:14:40,483 --> 00:14:42,363 It's all mine. 318 00:14:42,363 --> 00:14:43,883 You've got an Aston Martin? 319 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,283 Oh, that old thing. 320 00:14:45,283 --> 00:14:47,723 That old...? This is a Volante. 321 00:14:47,723 --> 00:14:49,843 It's one of the most beautiful cars ever made. 322 00:14:51,003 --> 00:14:52,243 What is it, a '79? 323 00:14:52,243 --> 00:14:53,523 '80, I think. 324 00:14:53,523 --> 00:14:55,643 '80. 5.3 litre. 325 00:14:55,643 --> 00:14:58,123 Have you any idea how much this car's worth? 326 00:14:59,683 --> 00:15:01,203 At least five vases. 327 00:15:04,563 --> 00:15:06,323 Do you know what? 328 00:15:06,323 --> 00:15:09,203 I sometimes imagine that I'm cleaning up for the Mob, 329 00:15:09,203 --> 00:15:11,043 like after someone's been whacked, 330 00:15:11,043 --> 00:15:14,003 and this - this is my getaway car. 331 00:15:15,003 --> 00:15:16,723 It's about the only way I could afford one. 332 00:15:16,723 --> 00:15:20,083 I thought we had established that crime doesn't pay. 333 00:15:20,083 --> 00:15:21,563 DOORBELL RINGS 334 00:15:21,563 --> 00:15:22,803 Ah, that'll be Sir James. 335 00:15:25,043 --> 00:15:27,243 Hey, what was it you wanted me to clean? 336 00:15:29,043 --> 00:15:30,643 Where is the bastard now? 337 00:15:30,643 --> 00:15:32,483 I'll flog him myself! 338 00:15:32,483 --> 00:15:35,043 He died in the struggle. He fell down the stairs. 339 00:15:35,043 --> 00:15:38,323 Good! I've a mind to go to the morgue and flog him anyway. 340 00:15:38,323 --> 00:15:42,203 Who would do this to an artefact, Sir James? 341 00:15:42,203 --> 00:15:44,363 They don't know right from wrong! 342 00:15:44,363 --> 00:15:46,963 Morals of a...howler monkey! 343 00:15:46,963 --> 00:15:50,083 I'm amazed he didn't do toilet on it afterwards. 344 00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,603 Now, have the police secured the building? 345 00:15:52,603 --> 00:15:54,003 Oh, they've sent a man, 346 00:15:54,003 --> 00:15:55,843 and he has nailed down the window for us. 347 00:15:55,843 --> 00:15:57,083 Yeah. 348 00:15:57,083 --> 00:15:59,403 Ah! Total botched job! 349 00:15:59,403 --> 00:16:02,923 They're not trained for anything, that's the problem. 350 00:16:02,923 --> 00:16:05,843 I remember the time when a bobby was a military man. 351 00:16:05,843 --> 00:16:10,003 Discipline! Nowadays, it's children in long hats. 352 00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:12,683 Hiya. I know the police sergeant in charge, actually, 353 00:16:12,683 --> 00:16:13,883 and she's very good. 354 00:16:13,883 --> 00:16:15,283 Who the hell are you? 355 00:16:15,283 --> 00:16:17,883 Oh, this is Wicky. He's come to help clean up the mess. 356 00:16:19,043 --> 00:16:21,043 Ah! A male cleaner! 357 00:16:21,043 --> 00:16:22,483 The world's gone mad. 358 00:16:22,483 --> 00:16:23,963 HE GRUNTS 359 00:16:23,963 --> 00:16:26,883 Women in pubs drinking pints. 360 00:16:26,883 --> 00:16:30,083 Two boys taking over Penny's flower shop. 361 00:16:30,083 --> 00:16:31,203 I'm telling you, 362 00:16:31,203 --> 00:16:34,243 within our lifetime, we will be swapping clothes 363 00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:36,523 and having sex with robots! 364 00:16:37,683 --> 00:16:39,243 They're looking into that, you know. 365 00:16:39,243 --> 00:16:42,403 Well, apparently, he's trained. SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY 366 00:16:42,403 --> 00:16:43,603 He has some special fluid. 367 00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:47,003 You don't need chemicals on that stair, you need tallow. 368 00:16:47,003 --> 00:16:49,203 What's tallow? Gah, I knew it. 369 00:16:49,203 --> 00:16:51,203 I have some tallow. Oh. 370 00:16:52,443 --> 00:16:55,123 I predicted this when I played golf with the Chief Inspector 371 00:16:55,123 --> 00:16:56,163 last week. 372 00:16:57,443 --> 00:17:01,323 Oh, there is social housing a moped ride from here. 373 00:17:02,363 --> 00:17:04,523 All on benefits. Imagine... 374 00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:07,003 They only go out of the house to rob. 375 00:17:07,003 --> 00:17:09,283 Rest of the time, they're on their video games. 376 00:17:09,283 --> 00:17:12,763 Won't be long before they evolve giant thumbs. 377 00:17:12,763 --> 00:17:14,763 And what then, huh? Well, 378 00:17:14,763 --> 00:17:16,443 hopefully, they'll starve to death 379 00:17:16,443 --> 00:17:19,323 because they can no longer open their precious bags of crisps. 380 00:17:19,323 --> 00:17:21,163 Tallow! 381 00:17:21,163 --> 00:17:22,443 Yeah, good girl. 382 00:17:22,443 --> 00:17:24,163 THEY CHUCKLE Here. 383 00:17:25,123 --> 00:17:26,243 Apply that. 384 00:17:26,243 --> 00:17:27,683 Sorry, what is this? 385 00:17:27,683 --> 00:17:29,723 BOTH: Mutton fat! 386 00:17:29,723 --> 00:17:31,723 I don't think I'm going to put that on the carpet, 387 00:17:31,723 --> 00:17:34,443 because I think it might be insane. 388 00:17:34,443 --> 00:17:35,683 There you have it. 389 00:17:35,683 --> 00:17:37,763 Traditional skills lost forever. 390 00:17:37,763 --> 00:17:40,363 Right, until this house is properly secured, 391 00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:42,123 I want the whole area patrolled. 392 00:17:42,123 --> 00:17:44,043 I'll go and put together a roster 393 00:17:44,043 --> 00:17:46,163 from some of the Pony Club boys. 394 00:17:46,163 --> 00:17:47,203 Gay boyband? 395 00:17:49,403 --> 00:17:52,163 You ever been chased by a mounted man? 396 00:17:52,163 --> 00:17:54,003 Not for ages. 397 00:17:54,003 --> 00:17:57,323 A protester I once pursued soiled himself, 398 00:17:57,323 --> 00:17:58,723 front and back, 399 00:17:58,723 --> 00:18:01,523 after merely hearing the thunder of hooves on turf. 400 00:18:02,643 --> 00:18:05,323 The environment was the least of his concerns, 401 00:18:05,323 --> 00:18:07,763 I can tell you. Hmph. 402 00:18:07,763 --> 00:18:11,483 We will hunt them down like vermin. 403 00:18:12,523 --> 00:18:13,563 You're so kind. 404 00:18:13,563 --> 00:18:14,923 HE KISSES 405 00:18:16,483 --> 00:18:17,523 Yeah. 406 00:18:17,523 --> 00:18:19,843 Bring a shotgun when I come back tomorrow. 407 00:18:21,243 --> 00:18:23,323 You need a weapon in this house. 408 00:18:23,323 --> 00:18:24,363 HE SHOUTS: A weapon! 409 00:18:40,843 --> 00:18:43,163 Sir James is very well connected. 410 00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:44,643 He seems lovely. Mm. 411 00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:48,523 I still can't believe the blood came this far, you know. 412 00:18:48,523 --> 00:18:51,123 Doesn't make sense from a neck break. 413 00:18:52,163 --> 00:18:53,403 Where were you standing? 414 00:18:53,403 --> 00:18:55,763 Oh... In the middle of the stairs. 415 00:18:55,763 --> 00:18:57,763 So why weren't you covered in it? 416 00:18:57,763 --> 00:19:00,643 I... It must have missed me. 417 00:19:00,643 --> 00:19:02,843 No, no, the spatter pattern means... 418 00:19:02,843 --> 00:19:04,603 It means that you would have been... 419 00:19:05,843 --> 00:19:07,123 Well, I must get on. 420 00:19:07,123 --> 00:19:08,283 Hang on. 421 00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:13,163 What was it you wanted me to clean? 422 00:19:13,163 --> 00:19:14,683 What? 423 00:19:14,683 --> 00:19:17,163 In the other room. What was it you wanted me to clean? 424 00:19:17,163 --> 00:19:18,403 Oh... 425 00:19:18,403 --> 00:19:20,043 SHE LAUGHS ..it wasn't important. 426 00:19:21,083 --> 00:19:22,963 A brass pig. 427 00:19:22,963 --> 00:19:25,403 A brass pig? 428 00:19:25,403 --> 00:19:27,563 A brass pig, my arse. 429 00:19:29,803 --> 00:19:31,203 Where are you going? 430 00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:43,163 You've done a pretty good job of getting it clean. 431 00:19:43,163 --> 00:19:45,563 But to make blood undetectable, 432 00:19:45,563 --> 00:19:48,203 you need a specialist fluid. 433 00:19:50,363 --> 00:19:51,723 I'll make a pot of tea. 434 00:19:58,683 --> 00:20:00,763 So he didn't die in the fall? 435 00:20:00,763 --> 00:20:03,483 Well, I thought he had at first. 436 00:20:03,483 --> 00:20:05,443 He really did land badly. 437 00:20:05,443 --> 00:20:07,563 The sound was like a... 438 00:20:07,563 --> 00:20:10,003 Yeah, yeah, mighty oak, Crunchie. So? 439 00:20:10,003 --> 00:20:13,403 Well, I picked up one of the clubs he pulled down in the fall. 440 00:20:13,403 --> 00:20:17,203 I wanted to be armed in case he came for me. 441 00:20:17,203 --> 00:20:18,883 For when his broken neck had healed? 442 00:20:18,883 --> 00:20:20,723 I was going to call the police, 443 00:20:20,723 --> 00:20:22,963 I really was, but then I... 444 00:20:22,963 --> 00:20:24,123 ..then I saw it again. 445 00:20:25,323 --> 00:20:26,723 How could he?! 446 00:20:26,723 --> 00:20:30,603 All of this heritage destroyed, and for what? 447 00:20:30,603 --> 00:20:31,643 What? 448 00:20:32,843 --> 00:20:34,603 Not the damn chair again?! 449 00:20:34,603 --> 00:20:36,523 Barely remember picking up the club. 450 00:20:36,523 --> 00:20:39,323 It was a beautiful swing, under the circumstances. 451 00:20:39,323 --> 00:20:40,523 I've been taking lessons. 452 00:20:40,523 --> 00:20:43,083 One clean stroke... 453 00:20:44,483 --> 00:20:45,883 ..and it was done. 454 00:20:45,883 --> 00:20:48,243 You killed him? Well, anyone would have done the same. 455 00:20:48,243 --> 00:20:49,563 I wouldn't! 456 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:53,323 Well, what's done is done. 457 00:20:54,883 --> 00:20:56,723 I must get on. 458 00:20:56,723 --> 00:20:59,323 Wait! I can't let this go. 459 00:20:59,323 --> 00:21:01,603 I have to report it. You murdered him! 460 00:21:01,603 --> 00:21:05,243 And who will believe the cleaner? 461 00:21:05,243 --> 00:21:07,283 I knew you didn't respect the training. 462 00:21:07,283 --> 00:21:09,923 Oh, I have plenty of people to vouch for my character. 463 00:21:09,923 --> 00:21:13,803 It's not inconceivable that you dreamt the whole thing up. 464 00:21:13,803 --> 00:21:15,923 An admired member of the community 465 00:21:15,923 --> 00:21:18,803 blackmailed by an unskilled labourer. 466 00:21:18,803 --> 00:21:19,963 Unskilled? 467 00:21:19,963 --> 00:21:21,643 I cleaned your lamp! 468 00:21:21,643 --> 00:21:23,243 He was a common criminal. 469 00:21:23,243 --> 00:21:24,443 Who will miss him? 470 00:21:24,443 --> 00:21:26,563 How do you know what was going on in his life? 471 00:21:26,563 --> 00:21:30,283 He might have a sick child. Oh, put your violin away! 472 00:21:30,283 --> 00:21:32,563 An eye for an eye - it's in the Bible. 473 00:21:32,563 --> 00:21:34,323 Oh, yeah. Thou shalt not steal, 474 00:21:34,323 --> 00:21:37,523 or you'll get smacked round the back of the head with a golf club. 475 00:21:39,643 --> 00:21:40,843 How much do you want? 476 00:21:40,843 --> 00:21:43,283 HE SCOFFS You're not listening. 477 00:21:43,283 --> 00:21:46,203 You could get an education, you could get a better job, 478 00:21:46,203 --> 00:21:48,203 really make something of your life. 479 00:21:48,203 --> 00:21:51,083 My job means that I can buy everything I need 480 00:21:51,083 --> 00:21:52,723 and still have enough money 481 00:21:52,723 --> 00:21:55,043 to give myself a hangover every weekend. 482 00:21:55,043 --> 00:21:57,403 You cannot buy your way out of this. 483 00:22:02,083 --> 00:22:04,283 Well... SHE CHUCKLES SOFTLY 484 00:22:04,283 --> 00:22:08,923 ..I really don't have much use for that car. 485 00:22:10,323 --> 00:22:12,243 What, the Aston? Yes. 486 00:22:12,243 --> 00:22:15,323 I only use it for popping down to the shops. 487 00:22:15,323 --> 00:22:17,723 I mean, that's the worst thing you've said today. 488 00:22:17,723 --> 00:22:19,123 It's an Aston Martin. 489 00:22:19,123 --> 00:22:20,483 Exactly. 490 00:22:20,483 --> 00:22:22,123 Such a waste. 491 00:22:22,123 --> 00:22:23,603 Ah... 492 00:22:23,603 --> 00:22:25,043 I see. 493 00:22:25,043 --> 00:22:26,483 Well, you can forget it. 494 00:22:26,483 --> 00:22:28,803 I couldn't even afford to insure the damn thing. 495 00:22:28,803 --> 00:22:30,923 Oh, I shall insure it for you. 496 00:22:30,923 --> 00:22:33,683 Let's call it my advance payment 497 00:22:33,683 --> 00:22:37,003 for you making things right for me. Hm? 498 00:22:40,083 --> 00:22:42,643 Now, I must get on. 499 00:22:42,643 --> 00:22:44,083 I have church later. 500 00:22:44,083 --> 00:22:45,563 Miss Hozier... 501 00:22:49,803 --> 00:22:51,403 Please, Wicky. 502 00:22:53,283 --> 00:22:54,323 Please? 503 00:23:06,443 --> 00:23:08,163 God, it's beautiful. 504 00:23:13,123 --> 00:23:14,883 PHONE RINGS 505 00:23:17,603 --> 00:23:18,803 HE SIGHS 506 00:23:18,803 --> 00:23:20,923 Weasel, what do you want? It was me. 507 00:23:20,923 --> 00:23:22,603 What? I sicked in your shoes. 508 00:23:22,603 --> 00:23:24,003 I knew it was you. 509 00:23:24,003 --> 00:23:25,363 Oh, right. 510 00:23:25,363 --> 00:23:27,883 It's just, Jen said you might have thought it was Fat Carl 511 00:23:27,883 --> 00:23:29,243 and, at first, I was happy, 512 00:23:29,243 --> 00:23:31,123 because you'd be cross with him instead of me, 513 00:23:31,123 --> 00:23:34,603 but then I thought, if you end up punching him, I'll feel bad. It's OK. 514 00:23:34,603 --> 00:23:36,403 I'll clean them if you leave them in the pub. 515 00:23:36,403 --> 00:23:39,683 No, listen, Weasel. I appreciate you calling. 516 00:23:39,683 --> 00:23:41,803 It's good that you did the right thing. 517 00:23:41,803 --> 00:23:43,643 Hang on, it wasn't my fault. I'd had a bad... 518 00:23:43,643 --> 00:23:44,683 CALL ENDS 519 00:23:44,683 --> 00:23:46,043 HE SIGHS 520 00:23:49,523 --> 00:23:50,563 Dammit. 521 00:23:51,723 --> 00:23:54,243 YELL, THUD 522 00:23:54,243 --> 00:23:58,643 YELLS AND GROANS 523 00:23:58,643 --> 00:24:00,683 Jesus! What the hell? 524 00:24:00,683 --> 00:24:02,643 Ah, what did I tell you? 525 00:24:02,643 --> 00:24:04,723 24 hours they've had, 526 00:24:04,723 --> 00:24:08,563 and I was able to break back in from the side window! 527 00:24:08,563 --> 00:24:09,883 Is that a crowbar? 528 00:24:09,883 --> 00:24:13,203 Yes, an everyday crowbar, and I'm back in! 529 00:24:13,203 --> 00:24:16,283 You people are in league with the underworld! 530 00:24:16,283 --> 00:24:18,443 I'll have all your jobs. 531 00:24:18,443 --> 00:24:20,643 Right. Well, you're the one who's broken the law. 532 00:24:20,643 --> 00:24:23,803 Oh, well, we'll see what the Chief Inspector says about that. 533 00:24:23,803 --> 00:24:25,483 It's called civic duty. 534 00:24:25,483 --> 00:24:28,083 For God's sake! Get out! 535 00:24:28,083 --> 00:24:29,883 I can't. What? 536 00:24:29,883 --> 00:24:31,363 I have my trouser caught. 537 00:24:35,923 --> 00:24:39,403 They're genetically modifying beef to grow like lettuce, 538 00:24:39,403 --> 00:24:41,163 you know. 539 00:24:41,163 --> 00:24:42,763 No more farms... 540 00:24:43,843 --> 00:24:47,603 ..just limbless cows on shelves. 541 00:24:47,603 --> 00:24:49,603 Be quiet. 542 00:24:50,963 --> 00:24:52,763 FABRIC RIPS, SIR JAMES GROANS 543 00:24:52,763 --> 00:24:54,083 Right. HE GROANS 544 00:24:54,083 --> 00:24:55,523 HE STRAINS 545 00:24:55,523 --> 00:24:57,483 And they're putting chemicals in the water. 546 00:24:59,203 --> 00:25:02,163 I've seen crows the size of Labradors. 547 00:25:04,883 --> 00:25:07,003 Go home, you silly man. 548 00:25:07,003 --> 00:25:08,043 Yeah... 549 00:25:09,843 --> 00:25:14,843 She's a fine woman, you know, Vivien Hozier. Good stock. 550 00:25:16,083 --> 00:25:18,523 She deserves something more than this. 551 00:25:40,723 --> 00:25:44,043 Get...off...my...sofa! 552 00:25:44,043 --> 00:25:45,883 Wait... Wait! 553 00:25:47,963 --> 00:25:49,003 RIP 554 00:25:49,003 --> 00:25:51,483 SHE SOBS Oh, no, no! 555 00:25:52,963 --> 00:25:56,123 It's ruined. Look what you've made me do! 556 00:25:56,123 --> 00:25:57,443 It's ruined! 557 00:25:57,443 --> 00:25:58,483 Miss Hozier... 558 00:25:58,483 --> 00:26:00,043 Why don't you understand? 559 00:26:00,043 --> 00:26:02,283 It's my history, it's my family! 560 00:26:02,283 --> 00:26:06,763 It isn't. They don't care about the chair. They've gone! 561 00:26:08,643 --> 00:26:10,643 He didn't deserve what you did, Vivien. 562 00:26:13,243 --> 00:26:15,003 Well... 563 00:26:15,003 --> 00:26:16,723 ..I imagine you... 564 00:26:17,763 --> 00:26:19,523 ..you have to make a phone call. 565 00:26:19,523 --> 00:26:21,483 Yes. I'm sorry. 566 00:26:38,483 --> 00:26:40,323 What are you doing with that? 567 00:26:40,323 --> 00:26:43,163 I'm putting it back where it belongs. 568 00:26:43,163 --> 00:26:46,243 My barrister is a great admirer of my artefacts, 569 00:26:46,243 --> 00:26:48,883 and I'd hate him to see things out of place. 570 00:26:48,883 --> 00:26:50,003 Your barrister? 571 00:26:50,003 --> 00:26:52,083 Yes, he's on his way. 572 00:26:52,083 --> 00:26:53,803 He doesn't think I'll have a problem. 573 00:26:53,803 --> 00:26:56,083 The circumstances, my reputation... 574 00:26:56,083 --> 00:26:57,643 He doubts it'll even come to court. 575 00:27:01,163 --> 00:27:03,363 You have your way of cleaning up... 576 00:27:05,083 --> 00:27:06,323 ..and I have mine. 577 00:27:08,003 --> 00:27:09,043 Right. 578 00:27:13,643 --> 00:27:15,283 SHE SCREAMS 579 00:27:15,283 --> 00:27:17,283 No! THUD 580 00:27:33,843 --> 00:27:35,603 It was just a sofa. 581 00:27:51,283 --> 00:27:52,603 PHONE RINGS 582 00:27:54,683 --> 00:27:56,243 Well, well, well, Mr Mop. 583 00:27:56,243 --> 00:27:58,003 A call on my private phone. 584 00:27:58,003 --> 00:27:59,563 This is an unexpected treat. 585 00:28:01,203 --> 00:28:02,243 What? 586 00:28:03,683 --> 00:28:04,723 What's up? 587 00:28:06,923 --> 00:28:09,643 No. No, fine. We'll come now. 588 00:28:09,643 --> 00:28:11,603 OK. Yeah, thanks. 589 00:28:18,003 --> 00:28:19,363 Dammit!