1
00:00:03,203 --> 00:00:06,603
ENGINE STARTS

2
00:00:23,363 --> 00:00:25,963
GEAR GRINDS

3
00:00:51,643 --> 00:00:53,163
What?

4
00:00:54,483 --> 00:00:55,723
GROANS

5
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,323
GATE CLANGS

6
00:01:00,203 --> 00:01:02,443
DOORBELL RINGS

7
00:01:03,483 --> 00:01:05,803
You all right?

8
00:01:05,803 --> 00:01:06,923
Hiya.

9
00:01:06,923 --> 00:01:08,643
You here to see Mr Bedford?

10
00:01:08,643 --> 00:01:10,683
Yeah. Well, sort of.

11
00:01:10,683 --> 00:01:12,403
He's dead. No, I know.

12
00:01:12,403 --> 00:01:13,883
I'm here to, uh...

13
00:01:13,883 --> 00:01:15,883
HE MOUTHS
What?

14
00:01:15,883 --> 00:01:17,963
QUIETLY: I'm here to
clean up the blood. What?

15
00:01:17,963 --> 00:01:19,883
LOUD: I'm here to
clean up his blood!

16
00:01:19,883 --> 00:01:21,403
DOG BARKS

17
00:01:21,403 --> 00:01:22,643
I'm a crime scene cleaner.

18
00:01:22,643 --> 00:01:25,843
Well, why are you ringing the
doorbell if you know he's dead?

19
00:01:25,843 --> 00:01:27,563
I thought his relatives
might be in, no?

20
00:01:27,563 --> 00:01:29,683
No, he didn't have any.
Just a dog.

21
00:01:29,683 --> 00:01:31,563
Well, here's the thing -

22
00:01:31,563 --> 00:01:34,043
some dogs can open
doors these days.

23
00:01:34,043 --> 00:01:38,283
My mate Daz, he taught his dog
to walk on its hind legs.

24
00:01:38,283 --> 00:01:40,323
In the end, that's
the only way it walked.

25
00:01:40,323 --> 00:01:42,523
It was weird
seeing him round town.

26
00:01:42,523 --> 00:01:44,763
It just looked like
he was hanging out with a hairy kid

27
00:01:44,763 --> 00:01:47,523
that kept shitting on pavements.

28
00:01:52,963 --> 00:01:54,083
Good chat.

29
00:01:58,483 --> 00:02:02,083
Ah, no. Argh!

30
00:02:03,763 --> 00:02:04,963
SIGHS

31
00:02:07,003 --> 00:02:09,643
THUNDER RUMBLES

32
00:02:15,883 --> 00:02:17,283
DOORBELL RINGS

33
00:02:26,123 --> 00:02:27,643
What the...?

34
00:02:27,643 --> 00:02:29,603
This felt more polite.

35
00:02:29,603 --> 00:02:31,723
Right.

36
00:02:31,723 --> 00:02:33,363
Got another dog story?

37
00:02:33,363 --> 00:02:35,963
I am so sorry about that.

38
00:02:35,963 --> 00:02:38,643
It's so stupid of me
going on about walking.

39
00:02:38,643 --> 00:02:40,483
What? Eh?

40
00:02:40,483 --> 00:02:43,083
Um, my phone's run out of charge,

41
00:02:43,083 --> 00:02:45,323
and I've got the
wrong keys for next door

42
00:02:45,323 --> 00:02:48,123
and it's chucking it down. OK.

43
00:02:48,123 --> 00:02:50,443
I couldn't plug it in,
could I? Phone the boss.

44
00:02:50,443 --> 00:02:52,683
Save me running back
to the office.

45
00:02:52,683 --> 00:02:55,283
I can't imagine you've done
a lot of running lately.

46
00:02:57,283 --> 00:02:58,723
You can use my phone.

47
00:02:58,723 --> 00:03:00,243
Really? Get up!

48
00:03:00,243 --> 00:03:02,283
GROANS

49
00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:04,003
You OK?

50
00:03:04,003 --> 00:03:05,483
Yes, it's middle age, isn't it?

51
00:03:05,483 --> 00:03:07,563
The old legs
not what they once were.

52
00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:09,043
Bad legs.

53
00:03:09,043 --> 00:03:12,483
Ba-a-ad legs!

54
00:03:13,763 --> 00:03:15,763
I'll just get my stuff.

55
00:03:15,763 --> 00:03:18,003
Uh, what's in the lunch box?

56
00:03:18,003 --> 00:03:19,683
A ham sandwich.

57
00:03:19,683 --> 00:03:21,803
Well, that can stay out there.
Why?

58
00:03:21,803 --> 00:03:23,643
I'm vegan.

59
00:03:27,563 --> 00:03:29,083
Course you are.

60
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Charger.

61
00:03:41,603 --> 00:03:42,883
Thanks.

62
00:03:44,043 --> 00:03:45,763
Eeee...

63
00:03:45,763 --> 00:03:48,043
This is so nice of you.

64
00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:51,483
Are you surprised to meet
a nice disabled person?

65
00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:54,483
Dis... You're not...

66
00:03:54,483 --> 00:03:55,963
Are you dis...? You...

67
00:03:55,963 --> 00:03:57,523
You're not dis...abled.

68
00:03:57,523 --> 00:04:00,283
You shouldn't say that
about yourself. You're special,

69
00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:01,963
and not special needs.

70
00:04:01,963 --> 00:04:04,243
I bet you've got exams,
have you? Course you have.

71
00:04:04,243 --> 00:04:06,843
Can you re...
Course you can read! Come on!

72
00:04:06,843 --> 00:04:09,923
So you didn't notice
the wheelchair?

73
00:04:12,323 --> 00:04:14,123
Yeah, I suppose I did.

74
00:04:14,123 --> 00:04:16,283
My peripheral vision,
I must have clocked it,

75
00:04:16,283 --> 00:04:17,603
like you do with fat people,

76
00:04:17,603 --> 00:04:19,803
I must have thought,
"Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, fat."

77
00:04:19,803 --> 00:04:21,563
Fat?
You're not fat, you're thin.

78
00:04:21,563 --> 00:04:24,083
Not too thin. You're about
the right weight, are you?

79
00:04:24,083 --> 00:04:25,683
The phone's in there. Yeah!

80
00:04:28,043 --> 00:04:29,603
Left!

81
00:04:30,923 --> 00:04:32,483
It's here!

82
00:04:33,843 --> 00:04:34,963
Fucking hell.

83
00:04:37,763 --> 00:04:40,923
It's fine.
When are they sending someone?

84
00:04:40,923 --> 00:04:44,323
Yeah? No, no, it's fine.

85
00:04:44,323 --> 00:04:45,923
Yeah, I can wait, course.

86
00:04:45,923 --> 00:04:48,043
All right. All right, boss.

87
00:04:48,043 --> 00:04:51,123
CLEARS HIS THROAT
They're sending someone over.

88
00:04:51,123 --> 00:04:52,603
OK.

89
00:05:04,283 --> 00:05:05,883
Well...

90
00:05:09,203 --> 00:05:10,563
I'll be off.

91
00:05:10,563 --> 00:05:12,083
Uh, hey!

92
00:05:12,083 --> 00:05:13,403
Yes?

93
00:05:14,443 --> 00:05:15,683
Well...

94
00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:17,203
Please could you get the orange?

95
00:05:17,203 --> 00:05:20,283
Oh! Yes, of course.

96
00:05:20,283 --> 00:05:22,243
Yeah, I just...
I didn't like to presume.

97
00:05:22,243 --> 00:05:24,003
Presume what?

98
00:05:24,003 --> 00:05:25,843
Presume you didn't have a system.

99
00:05:25,843 --> 00:05:28,923
A system for getting an orange
out from under a sofa?

100
00:05:28,923 --> 00:05:31,883
Yeah, yeah. My mate works
at a rehabilitation centre

101
00:05:31,883 --> 00:05:34,443
for, um... And he says,
"You should never presume -

102
00:05:34,443 --> 00:05:35,883
"they might find it humiliating."

103
00:05:35,883 --> 00:05:37,483
They? Yeah.

104
00:05:37,483 --> 00:05:38,723
They. Them.

105
00:05:38,723 --> 00:05:40,203
You... Legs.

106
00:05:40,203 --> 00:05:41,523
Well, in this instance,

107
00:05:41,523 --> 00:05:44,043
isn't it just being nice
to get the orange for me?

108
00:05:44,043 --> 00:05:46,523
Of course. I shouldn't be
listening to Weasel anyway.

109
00:05:46,523 --> 00:05:49,203
He shouldn't be allowed to work
there. He's a dirty bastard.

110
00:05:49,203 --> 00:05:50,723
He'll bone anyone.

111
00:05:50,723 --> 00:05:52,443
Oh, even me?

112
00:05:52,443 --> 00:05:53,963
Oh, my God, he'd be all over you.

113
00:05:53,963 --> 00:05:56,163
And do I not want to get boned?

114
00:05:56,163 --> 00:05:57,923
Not by Weasel.
He's only got three teeth.

115
00:05:57,923 --> 00:05:59,923
Could you just get
the orange for me, please?

116
00:05:59,923 --> 00:06:01,843
I'll get the orange. Thank you.

117
00:06:01,843 --> 00:06:03,203
CRACKING

118
00:06:03,203 --> 00:06:04,363
GROANS

119
00:06:04,363 --> 00:06:06,723
Uh-oh, old legs playing up again?

120
00:06:06,723 --> 00:06:09,883
My bloody back's gone. Oh, has it?

121
00:06:09,883 --> 00:06:11,403
Do you mind if I just...

122
00:06:11,403 --> 00:06:12,643
Sor... Sorry.

123
00:06:14,283 --> 00:06:15,883
GROANS

124
00:06:15,883 --> 00:06:18,363
There she blows.

125
00:06:18,363 --> 00:06:19,643
That's sore.

126
00:06:22,443 --> 00:06:23,723
Ooh, it stings.

127
00:06:23,723 --> 00:06:26,883
Oh, when it goes, it goes.

128
00:06:27,923 --> 00:06:31,123
Look, can I wait here
till they come?

129
00:06:31,123 --> 00:06:33,683
Course. I didn't like to presume.

130
00:06:33,683 --> 00:06:36,243
Oh, yeah, that's funny,

131
00:06:36,243 --> 00:06:39,763
because of the, uh, the legs.

132
00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:48,923
It's not just murders.

133
00:06:48,923 --> 00:06:52,563
Sometimes it's suicides
or just accidents, you know.

134
00:06:52,563 --> 00:06:54,163
So what happened to Bedford?

135
00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:55,283
Oh, I shouldn't say.

136
00:06:55,283 --> 00:06:56,443
What? Tell me.

137
00:06:56,443 --> 00:06:59,763
Well, he was on his
own when he died,

138
00:06:59,763 --> 00:07:01,643
and they didn't find him

139
00:07:01,643 --> 00:07:04,283
and his dog was there. So it, uh...

140
00:07:04,283 --> 00:07:06,803
What? It sort of...

141
00:07:06,803 --> 00:07:08,403
..ate his head a bit.

142
00:07:08,403 --> 00:07:10,003
Good.

143
00:07:10,003 --> 00:07:11,643
Good?

144
00:07:11,643 --> 00:07:13,403
Well, he never walked that dog.

145
00:07:13,403 --> 00:07:16,203
He deserves to get his
head eaten by it. Oh, right.

146
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:18,083
So I'm not allowed to
have a ham sandwich,

147
00:07:18,083 --> 00:07:20,243
but it's all right for a dog
to tuck into Mr Bedford?

148
00:07:20,243 --> 00:07:21,763
Into his headford?

149
00:07:21,763 --> 00:07:23,283
Of course, it's a dog!

150
00:07:23,283 --> 00:07:25,283
It doesn't know any better.

151
00:07:25,283 --> 00:07:28,003
Yeah. Mr Bedford's deadford,
so dog ate his headford.

152
00:07:28,003 --> 00:07:30,883
It's not appropriate, this,
is it? Any of this? No. No.

153
00:07:30,883 --> 00:07:32,843
PHONE RINGS
Oh.

154
00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:34,923
Landline? Old school.

155
00:07:34,923 --> 00:07:37,403
Yeah, Mum's idea.
It's a good backup, apparently.

156
00:07:37,403 --> 00:07:39,643
This'll be her now.
She's probably worried

157
00:07:39,643 --> 00:07:42,043
you're stuck under the sofa
trying to get a trapped orange.

158
00:07:42,043 --> 00:07:43,563
ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS

159
00:07:43,563 --> 00:07:45,923
MAN: Um, uh, hi, Helena.
It...it's me.

160
00:07:45,923 --> 00:07:47,963
Um, look, I'm sorry to call,
it's just, I...

161
00:07:47,963 --> 00:07:50,323
I'm do... I'm doing
pretty terrible at the moment,

162
00:07:50,323 --> 00:07:51,483
and I... Oh.

163
00:07:51,483 --> 00:07:53,883
And I needed to...to hear
the sound of your voice. I just...

164
00:07:53,883 --> 00:07:56,443
Um, I-I thought
it would be a good idea to...

165
00:07:56,443 --> 00:07:58,043
..to look at...at some photos...

166
00:07:58,043 --> 00:08:00,163
Read this...
..um, of us, you know,

167
00:08:00,163 --> 00:08:03,003
as part of a...a healing
process, I suppose, but...

168
00:08:03,003 --> 00:08:06,003
I just... I just miss
you so much, Helena.

169
00:08:06,003 --> 00:08:07,843
I thought I'd get over it,
but I can't.

170
00:08:07,843 --> 00:08:11,243
SOBBING: Oh, God!

171
00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:15,963
I'm sorry.

172
00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:17,483
Oh, shall I?

173
00:08:17,483 --> 00:08:19,243
I didn't call just to...

174
00:08:19,243 --> 00:08:22,123
I didn't call just to cry
at you down the phone,

175
00:08:22,123 --> 00:08:23,723
but these photos, I just...

176
00:08:27,283 --> 00:08:29,243
..I love you.

177
00:08:29,243 --> 00:08:31,883
Bye.
BEEP

178
00:08:31,883 --> 00:08:33,163
Mm...

179
00:08:33,163 --> 00:08:34,443
Wrong number?

180
00:08:34,443 --> 00:08:35,843
What?

181
00:08:35,843 --> 00:08:37,443
It's all I could think to say.

182
00:08:37,443 --> 00:08:39,883
It was that or put
my whole fist in my mouth.

183
00:08:41,243 --> 00:08:43,203
When did you split up?

184
00:08:43,203 --> 00:08:44,603
Two months ago.

185
00:08:44,603 --> 00:08:46,283
I'm sorry.

186
00:08:46,283 --> 00:08:49,043
Don't be. It was his fault.

187
00:08:49,043 --> 00:08:52,363
He knew what he was getting into,
he said he could adapt,

188
00:08:52,363 --> 00:08:54,723
but he couldn't.

189
00:08:54,723 --> 00:08:56,243
Believe me, he couldn't.

190
00:09:09,563 --> 00:09:10,923
Look,

191
00:09:10,923 --> 00:09:12,843
I know it's normal for you,

192
00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:15,003
but it must have been
a big change for him.

193
00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:18,723
Well, then, he couldn't have cared.

194
00:09:18,723 --> 00:09:20,643
Come on.

195
00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:23,083
I mean,
if you're not used to...

196
00:09:23,083 --> 00:09:25,723
Even holding hands must be weird,
mustn't it?

197
00:09:27,963 --> 00:09:29,123
What?

198
00:09:29,123 --> 00:09:33,043
You must feel that, any minute,
you could get carried away

199
00:09:33,043 --> 00:09:35,563
and just bowl you,

200
00:09:35,563 --> 00:09:37,763
straight into a river maybe.

201
00:09:37,763 --> 00:09:39,203
And then what?

202
00:09:39,203 --> 00:09:42,163
What happens if he books
a restaurant with a tall table?

203
00:09:42,163 --> 00:09:43,643
What are you talking about?

204
00:09:43,643 --> 00:09:46,123
Well, you'd know better than me,

205
00:09:46,123 --> 00:09:47,843
but book the wrong place and...

206
00:09:47,843 --> 00:09:51,523
..he's going to be eating
with a floating head, isn't he?

207
00:09:51,523 --> 00:09:54,243
He couldn't handle
the fact that I'm vegan.

208
00:09:54,243 --> 00:09:55,763
What?

209
00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:59,723
We split up because he couldn't
cope with my veganism, you idiot.

210
00:09:59,723 --> 00:10:01,083
Of course!

211
00:10:01,083 --> 00:10:02,443
Of course, that's going to be

212
00:10:02,443 --> 00:10:04,363
a real lifestyle clash
as well, isn't it?

213
00:10:04,363 --> 00:10:06,403
I mean, what's all this bullshit?

214
00:10:06,403 --> 00:10:08,883
Do you want another cup of tea?
I've got a really dry mouth.

215
00:10:08,883 --> 00:10:11,043
Have you got a dry mouth?
I'll make it, you stay...

216
00:10:11,043 --> 00:10:13,763
Yeah, lovely.
Lovely cup of tea, isn't it?

217
00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:21,083
He said it wasn't
a problem at the start.

218
00:10:21,083 --> 00:10:23,323
He said he'd been thinking
about it anyway because

219
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:25,203
a lot of people at his
work had gone full vegan.

220
00:10:25,203 --> 00:10:28,163
It was perfect. And then...

221
00:10:29,523 --> 00:10:31,283
..my friend saw him
at the supermarket,

222
00:10:31,283 --> 00:10:32,883
and all he had in his basket

223
00:10:32,883 --> 00:10:35,163
was one big pork chop.
One big pork chop?

224
00:10:35,163 --> 00:10:36,643
One big pork chop.
Please tell me

225
00:10:36,643 --> 00:10:38,923
you didn't end a relationship
over one big pork chop?

226
00:10:38,923 --> 00:10:40,083
No, of course not.

227
00:10:40,083 --> 00:10:41,763
Thank God for that,
I was going to say!

228
00:10:41,763 --> 00:10:43,763
A pinch of salt,
15 minutes under the grill,

229
00:10:43,763 --> 00:10:46,843
it's like it never existed.
Lovely big pork chop.

230
00:10:46,843 --> 00:10:47,963
I have physio on Tuesdays,

231
00:10:47,963 --> 00:10:49,723
and he always said
he went to meet a friend.

232
00:10:49,723 --> 00:10:51,843
I knew it, I knew it.

233
00:10:51,843 --> 00:10:53,563
And I suppose...

234
00:10:54,683 --> 00:10:56,403
..she could walk, couldn't she?

235
00:10:56,403 --> 00:10:58,563
It was his friend Toby.

236
00:10:58,563 --> 00:10:59,963
He's gay?

237
00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:02,643
Gay Gareth, gay Toby, both walkers.
You poor thing.

238
00:11:02,643 --> 00:11:04,603
They were in a steak house!

239
00:11:04,603 --> 00:11:07,083
That's bad. Is it?

240
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:08,283
Yeah.

241
00:11:08,283 --> 00:11:10,043
I confronted him there and then.

242
00:11:10,043 --> 00:11:12,523
I could barely stand
to be in the building.

243
00:11:12,523 --> 00:11:15,123
The stench of death was everywhere.

244
00:11:16,203 --> 00:11:17,923
He didn't even try and deny it.

245
00:11:17,923 --> 00:11:20,163
Said he's been going there
every week for a "meat orgy".

246
00:11:20,163 --> 00:11:22,723
A meat...orgy?

247
00:11:22,723 --> 00:11:24,723
Mm. While I was in
there, they brought out

248
00:11:24,723 --> 00:11:27,603
a bucket of chicken wings.
I thought I was going to be sick.

249
00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:30,243
Ah, tell me about it.
Disgusting, aren't they?

250
00:11:30,243 --> 00:11:31,363
There's nothing on 'em.

251
00:11:31,363 --> 00:11:33,283
It's like sucking
a little skeleton.

252
00:11:33,283 --> 00:11:34,643
Oh, for God's sake.

253
00:11:34,643 --> 00:11:35,763
Eh?

254
00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:37,283
Jeez.

255
00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:39,403
It is!

256
00:11:43,923 --> 00:11:45,323
Did you really dump him

257
00:11:45,323 --> 00:11:47,603
just cos he goes for a
steak every now and then?

258
00:11:47,603 --> 00:11:50,683
Well, you might be happy to date
a mass murderer, but I'm not.

259
00:11:50,683 --> 00:11:53,403
It's clear you've had
a few burgers, isn't it?

260
00:11:54,403 --> 00:11:57,083
Ah, come on!

261
00:11:57,083 --> 00:11:59,083
Yeah, it's fine to
kill and eat animals.

262
00:11:59,083 --> 00:12:01,043
Maybe I should date
a people-trafficker next,

263
00:12:01,043 --> 00:12:02,763
get myself a nice slave
to do my housework.

264
00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:05,723
You can't compare. They're animals!

265
00:12:05,723 --> 00:12:07,443
You're old enough
to remember The Smiths,

266
00:12:07,443 --> 00:12:09,963
aren't you?
Did Morrissey not get to you?

267
00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:12,363
Yeah, Meat Is Murder's a great song,
so is Fuck Tha Police.

268
00:12:12,363 --> 00:12:14,163
I don't take songs literally.

269
00:12:14,163 --> 00:12:16,163
I have had sex
with a policewoman, though.

270
00:12:16,163 --> 00:12:18,243
Look, you think...
It was a dry hump.

271
00:12:18,243 --> 00:12:19,803
You think that a human

272
00:12:19,803 --> 00:12:22,963
is more important than
an animal, obviously.

273
00:12:22,963 --> 00:12:25,203
Well, yeah, if I'm honest. Why?

274
00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:27,843
Well, because we know
we're alive, don't we?

275
00:12:27,843 --> 00:12:30,003
Cos we can talk
and we can wa... Heh.

276
00:12:30,003 --> 00:12:31,963
Walk upright? Ah, no.

277
00:12:31,963 --> 00:12:34,443
You can't get me like that.
I told you about my friend's dog.

278
00:12:34,443 --> 00:12:36,563
Oh, will you stop
with your friend and his dog

279
00:12:36,563 --> 00:12:37,803
walking on its hind legs?

280
00:12:37,803 --> 00:12:39,843
I would have reported him
for animal cruelty.

281
00:12:39,843 --> 00:12:41,963
The dog liked it.
It made his lipstick come out.

282
00:12:41,963 --> 00:12:44,723
Oh, right, well, shall we get
some photographs up, shall we?

283
00:12:44,723 --> 00:12:45,843
There's no need.

284
00:12:45,843 --> 00:12:48,283
Oh, come on,
we've got a nice one here,

285
00:12:48,283 --> 00:12:51,203
of a calf being slaughtered,
and a few of some baby chickens

286
00:12:51,203 --> 00:12:52,683
being thrown through the grinder.

287
00:12:52,683 --> 00:12:54,363
It'll really sharpen up
your appetite.

288
00:12:54,363 --> 00:12:56,643
I've seen the vegan stuff.
I get it.

289
00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:59,363
I just don't think you can compare
humans and animals, that's all.

290
00:12:59,363 --> 00:13:01,083
Because humans are
aware they're alive,

291
00:13:01,083 --> 00:13:02,603
because they're sentient?

292
00:13:02,603 --> 00:13:03,803
Well, yeah. Fine.

293
00:13:03,803 --> 00:13:06,643
Then go down to the old people's
home, eat an Alzheimer's patient.

294
00:13:06,643 --> 00:13:08,683
Oh, don't be daft. Why not?

295
00:13:08,683 --> 00:13:10,283
They don't know what's going on.

296
00:13:10,283 --> 00:13:12,723
You can have yourself
a nice Alzheimer's ribeye.

297
00:13:12,723 --> 00:13:14,283
I don't want
an Alzheimer's ribeye.

298
00:13:14,283 --> 00:13:16,563
Well, why don't you
go down to the hospital,

299
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:18,043
eat a nice coma victim curry?

300
00:13:18,043 --> 00:13:20,443
Stop making up
delicious human dishes!

301
00:13:20,443 --> 00:13:22,523
Look, I can see I'm winding you up.

302
00:13:22,523 --> 00:13:25,003
I'm going to go and wait outside.

303
00:13:25,003 --> 00:13:27,843
Fine, go! You stink of death anyway.

304
00:13:27,843 --> 00:13:29,723
God.

305
00:13:29,723 --> 00:13:32,403
For the record,
the reason I stink of death

306
00:13:32,403 --> 00:13:33,723
is, this morning, I cleaned up

307
00:13:33,723 --> 00:13:36,283
the body of a woman who'd been
killed in an armed robbery.

308
00:13:36,283 --> 00:13:37,443
She had three children.

309
00:13:37,443 --> 00:13:39,563
Shall I tell them
it could have been worse?

310
00:13:39,563 --> 00:13:42,763
She could have been caught
going for a steak with Gareth!

311
00:13:47,123 --> 00:13:48,923
I like a steak myself!

312
00:13:48,923 --> 00:13:51,963
I'm a carnivore, and you're
not going to spoil it for me!

313
00:13:51,963 --> 00:13:54,403
I'd love to see your face
if you had to kill a cow.

314
00:13:54,403 --> 00:13:55,923
I've thought about this, actually,

315
00:13:55,923 --> 00:13:57,403
and I could kill a cow!

316
00:13:57,403 --> 00:13:58,643
You wouldn't know how to.

317
00:13:58,643 --> 00:14:00,563
You're like all meat-eaters,
a coward!

318
00:14:00,563 --> 00:14:02,603
I'd punch a cow
as soon as look at it.

319
00:14:02,603 --> 00:14:04,683
And then I'd eat it! Raw!

320
00:14:04,683 --> 00:14:06,203
Sorry about this, mate.

321
00:14:06,203 --> 00:14:08,803
I'm having a row with a
disabled girl about eating meat.

322
00:14:08,803 --> 00:14:10,683
Which reminds me,

323
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,403
don't get me started about Quorn!

324
00:14:13,683 --> 00:14:15,043
Are you there?

325
00:14:15,043 --> 00:14:16,683
She's gone.

326
00:14:31,043 --> 00:14:33,483
SIGHS

327
00:14:43,523 --> 00:14:45,003
GROANS

328
00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:52,283
SNIFFS

329
00:14:59,083 --> 00:15:01,803
SNIFFS RAPIDLY

330
00:15:08,643 --> 00:15:10,683
Hello, love. Hiya, Mum.

331
00:15:10,683 --> 00:15:12,043
Fancy a hot pot?

332
00:15:12,043 --> 00:15:13,643
Yes, come in. Yay!

333
00:15:13,643 --> 00:15:15,283
Oh, Gareth,

334
00:15:15,283 --> 00:15:17,763
you have been wronged!

335
00:15:19,483 --> 00:15:21,523
Yeah, no, of course.

336
00:15:21,523 --> 00:15:23,883
Yeah, no, I'm still here.

337
00:15:23,883 --> 00:15:25,923
Yeah.

338
00:15:25,923 --> 00:15:27,683
Tell him to take his time.

339
00:15:27,683 --> 00:15:29,283
No, I'm happy to wait.

340
00:15:29,283 --> 00:15:31,403
I want to wait.

341
00:15:31,403 --> 00:15:32,763
Cheers, Mum. Got to go.

342
00:15:32,763 --> 00:15:37,123
OK. See you later, darling.
Oh, see you, Mum. Thanks!

343
00:15:37,123 --> 00:15:38,763
Bye! Love you. Love you!

344
00:15:38,763 --> 00:15:40,043
Bye! Bye!

345
00:15:41,083 --> 00:15:42,403
KNOCKING

346
00:15:43,683 --> 00:15:44,763
Hello?

347
00:15:47,443 --> 00:15:49,123
Oh. Hello.

348
00:15:49,123 --> 00:15:51,603
What do you want? I just wanted
to say sorry about earlier.

349
00:15:51,603 --> 00:15:53,883
Apology accepted. Bye!

350
00:15:55,083 --> 00:15:56,683
KNOCKING

351
00:15:56,683 --> 00:15:58,483
HELENA GROANS

352
00:15:59,443 --> 00:16:02,443
I've been, uh, reading
about the old veganism

353
00:16:02,443 --> 00:16:03,883
while I was waiting.

354
00:16:03,883 --> 00:16:05,803
Really popular these days, isn't it?

355
00:16:05,803 --> 00:16:07,083
Yeah, of course it is.

356
00:16:07,083 --> 00:16:10,283
Mm, a lot of celebrities
on the old "vege".

357
00:16:10,283 --> 00:16:13,803
Yeah, it's just the dinosaurs
who haven't woken up.

358
00:16:13,803 --> 00:16:15,683
Yeah, I didn't know about cows.

359
00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:18,883
Little moo cows' farts
ruining the climate.

360
00:16:18,883 --> 00:16:22,323
Well done. You've learnt what
most people did a decade ago.

361
00:16:22,323 --> 00:16:24,763
What's next? Will you be recycling?

362
00:16:24,763 --> 00:16:27,363
You're really like
superheroes, aren't you?

363
00:16:27,363 --> 00:16:30,563
You vegans.

364
00:16:31,563 --> 00:16:34,043
What do you want? I think I've
left some cleaning stuff here.

365
00:16:34,043 --> 00:16:36,163
You didn't bring any in.
A small specialist brush.

366
00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:38,083
I think it fell out of my pocket.
I didn't see it.

367
00:16:38,083 --> 00:16:40,003
It's not in my bag, so...
I've told you,

368
00:16:40,003 --> 00:16:42,443
there's nothing in here.
I would have seen it.

369
00:16:42,443 --> 00:16:43,963
Perhaps it rolled under your sofa.

370
00:16:43,963 --> 00:16:45,883
Like I said,
there's nothing in here.

371
00:16:45,883 --> 00:16:47,883
Mind if I have a look?
Yes, I do mind.

372
00:16:47,883 --> 00:16:49,363
I won't be long. No.

373
00:16:52,043 --> 00:16:53,443
I think I'm going to jump you.

374
00:16:53,443 --> 00:16:55,483
You wouldn't dare.

375
00:16:55,483 --> 00:16:56,883
I would dare.

376
00:16:56,883 --> 00:16:58,603
You wouldn't dare jump me.

377
00:16:58,603 --> 00:17:00,563
I think I'm going to jump you.

378
00:17:00,563 --> 00:17:02,003
No, you've got a bad back.

379
00:17:05,043 --> 00:17:06,523
It popped back in.

380
00:17:06,523 --> 00:17:07,803
No, no!

381
00:17:09,443 --> 00:17:15,123
SCREAMS

382
00:17:18,403 --> 00:17:24,483
SLOWED-DOWN SCREAMS

383
00:17:24,483 --> 00:17:25,843
GROANS

384
00:17:25,843 --> 00:17:27,443
Aha!

385
00:17:27,443 --> 00:17:29,683
What do you think you're doing?

386
00:17:29,683 --> 00:17:31,883
You just got jumped.

387
00:17:31,883 --> 00:17:34,323
And now
you're going to get judged.

388
00:17:34,323 --> 00:17:36,963
Ah! Jesus!

389
00:17:36,963 --> 00:17:39,683
I flew too close to the sun!

390
00:17:41,403 --> 00:17:43,043
This is for Gareth.

391
00:17:43,043 --> 00:17:47,363
SLOWED-DOWN YELLING

392
00:17:47,363 --> 00:17:49,843
Leave it! Leave it!

393
00:17:53,203 --> 00:17:55,283
Mmmm!

394
00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:57,763
Beef! I knew it!

395
00:18:04,603 --> 00:18:07,123
WINCES

396
00:18:19,763 --> 00:18:21,043
It's not what you think.

397
00:18:21,043 --> 00:18:25,363
Is it not? Because I think that
that was a hot pot full of beef!

398
00:18:25,363 --> 00:18:27,563
Well, it was. Unbelievable.

399
00:18:27,563 --> 00:18:30,203
You're not a vegan?
No, I am, I am.

400
00:18:30,203 --> 00:18:31,283
Did you eat that hot pot?

401
00:18:31,283 --> 00:18:32,563
Well, yeah, but...

402
00:18:32,563 --> 00:18:34,723
But nothing. Poor Gareth.

403
00:18:34,723 --> 00:18:36,083
No, I hate it.

404
00:18:36,083 --> 00:18:37,883
I just try and eat the potato,

405
00:18:37,883 --> 00:18:39,683
just enough to make
her think I've had it.

406
00:18:39,683 --> 00:18:40,843
Eh?

407
00:18:40,843 --> 00:18:42,963
Your mum doesn't know
you're a vegan?

408
00:18:42,963 --> 00:18:45,803
Well, I've tried telling her,
but she just doesn't get it.

409
00:18:45,803 --> 00:18:47,803
Well, tell her she can go
to the old people's home

410
00:18:47,803 --> 00:18:50,043
for an Alzheimer's steak.
Worked for me.

411
00:18:50,043 --> 00:18:52,803
Well, she took it
harder than anyone.

412
00:18:52,803 --> 00:18:55,043
Harder than me. What?

413
00:18:55,043 --> 00:18:56,803
The accident.

414
00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:59,443
I thought you'd always
been in a wheelchair.

415
00:18:59,443 --> 00:19:00,563
No.

416
00:19:02,003 --> 00:19:05,003
Six years ago,
car accident, drunk driver.

417
00:19:05,003 --> 00:19:06,883
Bastard!

418
00:19:06,883 --> 00:19:09,083
Why do people do that? No, no.

419
00:19:09,083 --> 00:19:10,523
I was the drunk driver.

420
00:19:10,523 --> 00:19:13,283
Yeah, well, we all like a drink
when we're stressed, don't we?

421
00:19:13,283 --> 00:19:14,763
Come on.
I've operated a fork lift

422
00:19:14,763 --> 00:19:16,523
after a bottle of Schnapps.
Who hasn't?

423
00:19:16,523 --> 00:19:19,323
No, I-I don't need you
to try and make me feel better.

424
00:19:19,323 --> 00:19:21,083
It's my own fault.

425
00:19:21,083 --> 00:19:23,003
I'm just lucky
that no-one else got hurt.

426
00:19:23,003 --> 00:19:24,563
Well, I say no-one.

427
00:19:24,563 --> 00:19:25,843
Oh, God.

428
00:19:27,003 --> 00:19:28,443
You hit a cow, didn't you?

429
00:19:28,443 --> 00:19:29,963
That's why you're a vegan.

430
00:19:29,963 --> 00:19:32,923
No! I mean my mum.

431
00:19:32,923 --> 00:19:36,043
She just worries
and worries so much.

432
00:19:36,043 --> 00:19:39,443
It's difficult seeing
your own mum look at you

433
00:19:39,443 --> 00:19:43,603
and then just start crying,
no reason.

434
00:19:43,603 --> 00:19:45,563
We could be having
a perfectly nice day,

435
00:19:45,563 --> 00:19:47,163
and then she'll see
me in my wheelchair

436
00:19:47,163 --> 00:19:50,163
and it's like she's seeing
it for the first time.

437
00:19:51,203 --> 00:19:52,963
But you're doing all right.

438
00:19:52,963 --> 00:19:55,443
I mean, you're rubbish
at getting oranges, but...

439
00:19:55,443 --> 00:19:57,883
I'm fine.

440
00:19:57,883 --> 00:19:59,963
I've adjusted and I love life.

441
00:19:59,963 --> 00:20:01,483
I probably do more
than I would have

442
00:20:01,483 --> 00:20:03,043
if it hadn't happened.

443
00:20:03,043 --> 00:20:05,163
So you'd recommend it,
being disabled?

444
00:20:05,163 --> 00:20:07,963
Oh, shut up.
LAUGHS

445
00:20:07,963 --> 00:20:11,283
So, every week, she brings me
a hot pot or a shepherd's pie,

446
00:20:11,283 --> 00:20:13,483
and I just can't bring
myself to tell her no.

447
00:20:13,483 --> 00:20:16,203
It's her way of,
like, helping, you see.

448
00:20:17,563 --> 00:20:19,083
Her way of being a mum.

449
00:20:19,083 --> 00:20:22,043
I get it. My mum used
to make awesome hot pots.

450
00:20:22,043 --> 00:20:24,123
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is she not here any more?

451
00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:27,163
No, she's fine, she just
can't make hot pots any more.

452
00:20:27,163 --> 00:20:29,203
Dad's got a catchphrase about it.

453
00:20:29,203 --> 00:20:31,403
"Your mum used to be
a great cook, kids.

454
00:20:31,403 --> 00:20:34,003
"Now she's shit.
I wish I'd never married her."

455
00:20:34,003 --> 00:20:35,083
Jesus!

456
00:20:36,643 --> 00:20:39,123
Oh, right, well, there you go,
there's the full story.

457
00:20:39,123 --> 00:20:41,923
God, I'm exhausted.
I feel like I need a beer.

458
00:20:41,923 --> 00:20:43,683
Hmm, I'm sorry,
I can't help you there.

459
00:20:43,683 --> 00:20:45,443
It's got animal products in it.

460
00:20:45,443 --> 00:20:48,123
I prefer a joint these days, anyway.

461
00:20:49,923 --> 00:20:51,363
Is that right?

462
00:20:51,363 --> 00:20:53,403
No animals in a joint.

463
00:20:53,403 --> 00:20:55,123
And have you, uh...?

464
00:21:02,083 --> 00:21:03,363
GASPS

465
00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:04,923
You're like Robocop.

466
00:21:04,923 --> 00:21:07,163
ROBOTICALLY: Your move, creep.

467
00:21:07,163 --> 00:21:09,203
I haven't seen Robocop.

468
00:21:09,203 --> 00:21:10,563
Oh.

469
00:21:49,203 --> 00:21:51,323
How come your mum's allowed meat

470
00:21:51,323 --> 00:21:53,083
and Gazza isn't?

471
00:21:53,083 --> 00:21:54,923
It's different. How?

472
00:21:54,923 --> 00:21:57,643
She's my mum, silly. She raised me.

473
00:21:57,643 --> 00:22:00,803
When I first met him,
I told him I was vegan,

474
00:22:00,803 --> 00:22:02,283
and I take it seriously,

475
00:22:02,283 --> 00:22:04,243
and I can't be
with anyone who isn't.

476
00:22:04,243 --> 00:22:05,403
Right.

477
00:22:05,403 --> 00:22:08,043
He chose to come into my life,
she chose to give me it.

478
00:22:08,043 --> 00:22:10,403
I get it, your mum's
allowed meat orgies.

479
00:22:10,403 --> 00:22:15,443
Don't put my mum in the same
sentence as "orgies", right?

480
00:22:15,443 --> 00:22:18,163
Oh, and for God's sake,
do not call him Gazza again.

481
00:22:18,163 --> 00:22:19,563
Listen, all I'm saying is,

482
00:22:19,563 --> 00:22:21,283
there's a double standard there,

483
00:22:21,283 --> 00:22:24,003
but I'm going to let it slide
because I have a question.

484
00:22:24,003 --> 00:22:27,003
Oh, bloody hell. I don't want
to talk about him any more.

485
00:22:27,003 --> 00:22:29,923
It's not about him,
it's not about meat,

486
00:22:29,923 --> 00:22:32,923
but it is serious.

487
00:22:37,603 --> 00:22:38,963
Can you get me one?

488
00:22:40,363 --> 00:22:42,123
"One"?

489
00:22:42,123 --> 00:22:45,403
You know, it's the Holy Grail.

490
00:22:47,323 --> 00:22:48,603
Oh...

491
00:22:50,083 --> 00:22:52,563
You're talking about
a blue badge, aren't you?

492
00:22:52,563 --> 00:22:54,683
Sweet freedom of the city.

493
00:22:54,683 --> 00:22:56,843
CHUCKLES
No.

494
00:22:56,843 --> 00:22:59,283
I'm not getting you a bloody
disabled parking badge.

495
00:22:59,283 --> 00:23:01,683
Yeah, thought not.
Closed shop, ain't it?

496
00:23:01,683 --> 00:23:03,603
Damn right.

497
00:23:03,603 --> 00:23:05,043
There's got to be some perks.

498
00:23:05,043 --> 00:23:06,403
I'm glad you admit it.

499
00:23:06,403 --> 00:23:07,883
No, no, no, no.

500
00:23:07,883 --> 00:23:09,683
Any advantages we have are fair.

501
00:23:09,683 --> 00:23:10,803
Yeah, right.

502
00:23:10,803 --> 00:23:12,243
I seem to remember

503
00:23:12,243 --> 00:23:15,083
Oscar Pistorius did pretty
well on those springs.

504
00:23:15,083 --> 00:23:19,563
I mean, before all the horrible
murder and stuff, obviously.

505
00:23:19,563 --> 00:23:22,203
Springs? They weren't springs.

506
00:23:22,203 --> 00:23:23,843
I know a spring when I see it, mate.

507
00:23:23,843 --> 00:23:25,203
Guy bounced his way to victory.

508
00:23:25,203 --> 00:23:28,083
Right, well, let's put
your theory to the test.

509
00:23:28,083 --> 00:23:29,563
There's a food truck down the road.

510
00:23:29,563 --> 00:23:30,883
It does great vegan sausages.

511
00:23:30,883 --> 00:23:32,283
I can't go, can I? My back.

512
00:23:32,283 --> 00:23:34,483
No, I'm talking about
levelling the playing field,

513
00:23:34,483 --> 00:23:36,643
aren't I? A fair race.

514
00:23:36,643 --> 00:23:38,643
How?

515
00:23:38,643 --> 00:23:40,043
Got a spare, haven't I?

516
00:23:41,683 --> 00:23:43,003
HELENA LAUGHS

517
00:23:43,003 --> 00:23:45,563
Ah. Bring it.

518
00:23:45,563 --> 00:23:47,043
Oh, I'll bring it.

519
00:23:58,963 --> 00:24:02,243
Come on, able-bodied athlete,
you're getting thrashed!

520
00:24:02,243 --> 00:24:03,643
PANTS

521
00:24:07,643 --> 00:24:11,763
I'm in hell! Oh, what?

522
00:24:11,763 --> 00:24:14,243
I don't get it!

523
00:24:14,243 --> 00:24:16,323
Something wrong with your arms?

524
00:24:16,323 --> 00:24:18,403
Too many burgers,
that's your problem.

525
00:24:18,403 --> 00:24:22,483
Oh, you poor thing!
Does he need my help?

526
00:24:22,483 --> 00:24:23,763
Oh... Oh...

527
00:24:23,763 --> 00:24:25,483
Would you?

528
00:24:25,483 --> 00:24:27,123
Oh, thanks.

529
00:24:28,803 --> 00:24:30,203
This is so lovely of you.

530
00:24:30,203 --> 00:24:32,763
He's been really struggling
at the minute.

531
00:24:42,003 --> 00:24:43,483
So what do you think?

532
00:24:43,483 --> 00:24:46,043
I think I want to go and
find Gareth and have a steak.

533
00:24:46,043 --> 00:24:48,323
It's nice! It's just like meat.

534
00:24:48,323 --> 00:24:50,243
This is as like meat
as I'm like...

535
00:24:50,243 --> 00:24:51,683
GOOSE HONKS
..a goose.

536
00:24:51,683 --> 00:24:53,283
You'll be helping
the environment by

537
00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:54,483
stopping cows from farting.

538
00:24:54,483 --> 00:24:56,923
You think this isn't
going to make me fart?

539
00:24:56,923 --> 00:24:59,203
Give me half an hour,
I'll be going off like a tug boat.

540
00:25:01,963 --> 00:25:04,123
I'm eating it, aren't I?
I'm eating it.

541
00:25:04,123 --> 00:25:05,763
Bollocks! What?

542
00:25:05,763 --> 00:25:06,923
Oh, it's him.

543
00:25:06,923 --> 00:25:08,203
Who?

544
00:25:08,203 --> 00:25:09,403
Gareth!

545
00:25:16,363 --> 00:25:18,203
Oh, God,

546
00:25:18,203 --> 00:25:20,003
you still love him, don't you?

547
00:25:21,963 --> 00:25:23,523
SNIFFS

548
00:25:23,523 --> 00:25:25,523
He's amazing.

549
00:25:29,403 --> 00:25:31,763
Oh.

550
00:25:31,763 --> 00:25:34,203
All right. I'll do it.

551
00:25:34,203 --> 00:25:35,643
Do what?

552
00:25:35,643 --> 00:25:37,723
I'll go vegan one day a week.

553
00:25:37,723 --> 00:25:39,603
I can stomach this
shit one day a week.

554
00:25:39,603 --> 00:25:40,963
How's that going to help?

555
00:25:40,963 --> 00:25:42,603
Use your brains.

556
00:25:42,603 --> 00:25:44,803
If I'm not eating
meat one day a week,

557
00:25:44,803 --> 00:25:48,403
it means that Gareth can go
on his meat orgies, can't he?

558
00:25:48,403 --> 00:25:51,443
Cos there'll be one person
not eating meat, all the time.

559
00:25:51,443 --> 00:25:52,683
Right?

560
00:25:52,683 --> 00:25:55,243
No, you...
You wouldn't stick to that.

561
00:25:55,243 --> 00:25:58,203
You think I wouldn't eat
a soya sausage for love?

562
00:25:58,203 --> 00:26:02,003
I'll eat a soya sausage for love.

563
00:26:02,003 --> 00:26:04,323
Go on, go after him!

564
00:26:04,323 --> 00:26:07,163
You'll catch him easy,
he's only got legs.

565
00:26:17,923 --> 00:26:19,643
PHONE VIBRATES

566
00:26:22,483 --> 00:26:24,283
Hello, boss.

567
00:26:24,283 --> 00:26:25,763
Yeah.

568
00:26:25,763 --> 00:26:26,883
He's there? All right.

569
00:26:26,883 --> 00:26:28,363
No, I'm just down the road.

570
00:26:28,363 --> 00:26:30,043
Yeah, yeah, I'll get it done.

571
00:26:30,043 --> 00:26:31,083
All right.

572
00:26:35,163 --> 00:26:36,363
GROANS

573
00:26:44,323 --> 00:26:46,163
All right? Yeah.

574
00:26:46,163 --> 00:26:47,363
What are they, mate?

575
00:26:47,363 --> 00:26:49,323
They pork, yeah? Yeah.

576
00:26:49,323 --> 00:26:50,723
Go on, sort me out.

577
00:26:52,763 --> 00:26:54,483
Liar!

578
00:26:56,603 --> 00:26:58,683
Sumo Santa!

579
00:26:58,683 --> 00:27:00,243
I can walk!

580
00:27:00,243 --> 00:27:01,283
Oh!

581
00:27:09,643 --> 00:27:11,123
FARTS

582
00:27:11,123 --> 00:27:12,403
GOOSE HONKS