1 00:00:51,643 --> 00:00:53,163 What? 2 00:01:03,483 --> 00:01:05,803 You all right? 3 00:01:05,803 --> 00:01:06,923 Hiya. 4 00:01:06,923 --> 00:01:08,643 You here to see Mr Bedford? 5 00:01:08,643 --> 00:01:10,683 Yeah. Well, sort of. 6 00:01:10,683 --> 00:01:12,403 He's dead. No, I know. 7 00:01:12,403 --> 00:01:13,883 I'm here to, uh... 8 00:01:13,883 --> 00:01:15,883 What? 9 00:01:15,883 --> 00:01:17,963 I'm here to clean up the blood. What? 10 00:01:17,963 --> 00:01:19,883 I'm here to clean up his blood! 11 00:01:21,403 --> 00:01:22,643 I'm a crime scene cleaner. 12 00:01:22,643 --> 00:01:25,843 Well, why are you ringing the doorbell if you know he's dead? 13 00:01:25,843 --> 00:01:27,563 I thought his relatives might be in, no? 14 00:01:27,563 --> 00:01:29,683 No, he didn't have any. Just a dog. 15 00:01:29,683 --> 00:01:31,563 Well, here's the thing - 16 00:01:31,563 --> 00:01:34,043 some dogs can open doors these days. 17 00:01:34,043 --> 00:01:38,283 My mate Daz, he taught his dog to walk on its hind legs. 18 00:01:38,283 --> 00:01:40,323 In the end, that's the only way it walked. 19 00:01:40,323 --> 00:01:42,523 It was weird seeing him round town. 20 00:01:42,523 --> 00:01:44,763 It just looked like he was hanging out with a hairy kid 21 00:01:44,763 --> 00:01:47,523 that kept shitting on pavements. 22 00:01:52,963 --> 00:01:54,083 Good chat. 23 00:01:58,483 --> 00:02:02,083 Ah, no. Argh! 24 00:02:26,123 --> 00:02:27,643 What the...? 25 00:02:27,643 --> 00:02:29,603 This felt more polite. 26 00:02:29,603 --> 00:02:31,723 Right. 27 00:02:31,723 --> 00:02:33,363 Got another dog story? 28 00:02:33,363 --> 00:02:35,963 I am so sorry about that. 29 00:02:35,963 --> 00:02:38,643 It's so stupid of me going on about walking. 30 00:02:38,643 --> 00:02:40,483 What? Eh? 31 00:02:40,483 --> 00:02:43,083 Um, my phone's run out of charge, 32 00:02:43,083 --> 00:02:45,323 and I've got the wrong keys for next door 33 00:02:45,323 --> 00:02:48,123 and it's chucking it down. OK. 34 00:02:48,123 --> 00:02:50,443 I couldn't plug it in, could I? Phone the boss. 35 00:02:50,443 --> 00:02:52,683 Save me running back to the office. 36 00:02:52,683 --> 00:02:55,283 I can't imagine you've done a lot of running lately. 37 00:02:57,283 --> 00:02:58,723 You can use my phone. 38 00:02:58,723 --> 00:03:00,243 Really? Get up! 39 00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:04,003 You OK? 40 00:03:04,003 --> 00:03:05,483 Yes, it's middle age, isn't it? 41 00:03:05,483 --> 00:03:07,563 The old legs not what they once were. 42 00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:09,043 Bad legs. 43 00:03:09,043 --> 00:03:12,483 Ba-a-ad legs! 44 00:03:13,763 --> 00:03:15,763 I'll just get my stuff. 45 00:03:15,763 --> 00:03:18,003 Uh, what's in the lunch box? 46 00:03:18,003 --> 00:03:19,683 A ham sandwich. 47 00:03:19,683 --> 00:03:21,803 Well, that can stay out there. Why? 48 00:03:21,803 --> 00:03:23,643 I'm vegan. 49 00:03:27,563 --> 00:03:29,083 Course you are. 50 00:03:40,043 --> 00:03:41,603 Charger. 51 00:03:41,603 --> 00:03:42,883 Thanks. 52 00:03:44,043 --> 00:03:45,763 Eeee... 53 00:03:45,763 --> 00:03:48,043 This is so nice of you. 54 00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:51,483 Are you surprised to meet a nice disabled person? 55 00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:54,483 Dis... You're not... 56 00:03:54,483 --> 00:03:55,963 Are you dis...? You... 57 00:03:55,963 --> 00:03:57,523 You're not dis...abled. 58 00:03:57,523 --> 00:04:00,283 You shouldn't say that about yourself. You're special, 59 00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:01,963 and not special needs. 60 00:04:01,963 --> 00:04:04,243 I bet you've got exams, have you? Course you have. 61 00:04:04,243 --> 00:04:06,843 Can you re... Course you can read! Come on! 62 00:04:06,843 --> 00:04:09,923 So you didn't notice the wheelchair? 63 00:04:12,323 --> 00:04:14,123 Yeah, I suppose I did. 64 00:04:14,123 --> 00:04:16,283 My peripheral vision, I must have clocked it, 65 00:04:16,283 --> 00:04:17,603 like you do with fat people, 66 00:04:17,603 --> 00:04:19,803 I must have thought, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, fat." 67 00:04:19,803 --> 00:04:21,563 Fat? You're not fat, you're thin. 68 00:04:21,563 --> 00:04:24,083 Not too thin. You're about the right weight, are you? 69 00:04:24,083 --> 00:04:25,683 The phone's in there. Yeah! 70 00:04:28,043 --> 00:04:29,603 Left! 71 00:04:30,923 --> 00:04:32,483 It's here! 72 00:04:33,843 --> 00:04:34,963 Fucking hell. 73 00:04:37,763 --> 00:04:40,923 It's fine. When are they sending someone? 74 00:04:40,923 --> 00:04:44,323 Yeah? No, no, it's fine. 75 00:04:44,323 --> 00:04:45,923 Yeah, I can wait, course. 76 00:04:45,923 --> 00:04:48,043 All right. All right, boss. 77 00:04:48,043 --> 00:04:51,123 They're sending someone over. 78 00:05:04,283 --> 00:05:05,883 Well... 79 00:05:09,203 --> 00:05:10,563 I'll be off. 80 00:05:10,563 --> 00:05:12,083 Uh, hey! 81 00:05:12,083 --> 00:05:13,403 Yes? 82 00:05:14,443 --> 00:05:15,683 Well... 83 00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:17,203 Please could you get the orange? 84 00:05:17,203 --> 00:05:20,283 Oh! Yes, of course. 85 00:05:20,283 --> 00:05:22,243 Yeah, I just... I didn't like to presume. 86 00:05:22,243 --> 00:05:24,003 Presume what? 87 00:05:24,003 --> 00:05:25,843 Presume you didn't have a system. 88 00:05:25,843 --> 00:05:28,923 A system for getting an orange out from under a sofa? 89 00:05:28,923 --> 00:05:31,883 Yeah, yeah. My mate works at a rehabilitation centre 90 00:05:31,883 --> 00:05:34,443 for, um... And he says, "You should never presume - 91 00:05:34,443 --> 00:05:35,883 "they might find it humiliating." 92 00:05:35,883 --> 00:05:37,483 They? Yeah. 93 00:05:37,483 --> 00:05:38,723 They. Them. 94 00:05:38,723 --> 00:05:40,203 You... Legs. 95 00:05:40,203 --> 00:05:41,523 Well, in this instance, 96 00:05:41,523 --> 00:05:44,043 isn't it just being nice to get the orange for me? 97 00:05:44,043 --> 00:05:46,523 Of course. I shouldn't be listening to Weasel anyway. 98 00:05:46,523 --> 00:05:49,203 He shouldn't be allowed to work there. He's a dirty bastard. 99 00:05:49,203 --> 00:05:50,723 He'll bone anyone. 100 00:05:50,723 --> 00:05:52,443 Oh, even me? 101 00:05:52,443 --> 00:05:53,963 Oh, my God, he'd be all over you. 102 00:05:53,963 --> 00:05:56,163 And do I not want to get boned? 103 00:05:56,163 --> 00:05:57,923 Not by Weasel. He's only got three teeth. 104 00:05:57,923 --> 00:05:59,923 Could you just get the orange for me, please? 105 00:05:59,923 --> 00:06:01,843 I'll get the orange. Thank you. 106 00:06:04,363 --> 00:06:06,723 Uh-oh, old legs playing up again? 107 00:06:06,723 --> 00:06:09,883 My bloody back's gone. Oh, has it? 108 00:06:09,883 --> 00:06:11,403 Do you mind if I just... 109 00:06:11,403 --> 00:06:12,643 Sor... Sorry. 110 00:06:15,883 --> 00:06:18,363 There she blows. 111 00:06:18,363 --> 00:06:19,643 That's sore. 112 00:06:22,443 --> 00:06:23,723 Ooh, it stings. 113 00:06:23,723 --> 00:06:26,883 Oh, when it goes, it goes. 114 00:06:27,923 --> 00:06:31,123 Look, can I wait here till they come? 115 00:06:31,123 --> 00:06:33,683 Course. I didn't like to presume. 116 00:06:33,683 --> 00:06:36,243 Oh, yeah, that's funny, 117 00:06:36,243 --> 00:06:39,763 because of the, uh, the legs. 118 00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:48,923 It's not just murders. 119 00:06:48,923 --> 00:06:52,563 Sometimes it's suicides or just accidents, you know. 120 00:06:52,563 --> 00:06:54,163 So what happened to Bedford? 121 00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:55,283 Oh, I shouldn't say. 122 00:06:55,283 --> 00:06:56,443 What? Tell me. 123 00:06:56,443 --> 00:06:59,763 Well, he was on his own when he died, 124 00:06:59,763 --> 00:07:01,643 and they didn't find him 125 00:07:01,643 --> 00:07:04,283 and his dog was there. So it, uh... 126 00:07:04,283 --> 00:07:06,803 What? It sort of... 127 00:07:06,803 --> 00:07:08,403 ..ate his head a bit. 128 00:07:08,403 --> 00:07:10,003 Good. 129 00:07:10,003 --> 00:07:11,643 Good? 130 00:07:11,643 --> 00:07:13,403 Well, he never walked that dog. 131 00:07:13,403 --> 00:07:16,203 He deserves to get his head eaten by it. Oh, right. 132 00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:18,083 So I'm not allowed to have a ham sandwich, 133 00:07:18,083 --> 00:07:20,243 but it's all right for a dog to tuck into Mr Bedford? 134 00:07:20,243 --> 00:07:21,763 Into his headford? 135 00:07:21,763 --> 00:07:23,283 Of course, it's a dog! 136 00:07:23,283 --> 00:07:25,283 It doesn't know any better. 137 00:07:25,283 --> 00:07:28,003 Yeah. Mr Bedford's deadford, so dog ate his headford. 138 00:07:28,003 --> 00:07:30,883 It's not appropriate, this, is it? Any of this? No. No. 139 00:07:30,883 --> 00:07:32,843 Oh. 140 00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:34,923 Landline? Old school. 141 00:07:34,923 --> 00:07:37,403 Yeah, Mum's idea. It's a good backup, apparently. 142 00:07:37,403 --> 00:07:39,643 This'll be her now. She's probably worried 143 00:07:39,643 --> 00:07:42,043 you're stuck under the sofa trying to get a trapped orange. 144 00:07:43,563 --> 00:07:45,923 Um, uh, hi, Helena. It...it's me. 145 00:07:45,923 --> 00:07:47,963 Um, look, I'm sorry to call, it's just, I... 146 00:07:47,963 --> 00:07:50,323 I'm do... I'm doing pretty terrible at the moment, 147 00:07:50,323 --> 00:07:51,483 and I... Oh. 148 00:07:51,483 --> 00:07:53,883 And I needed to...to hear the sound of your voice. I just... 149 00:07:53,883 --> 00:07:56,443 Um, I-I thought it would be a good idea to... 150 00:07:56,443 --> 00:07:58,043 ..to look at...at some photos... 151 00:07:58,043 --> 00:08:00,163 Read this... ..um, of us, you know, 152 00:08:00,163 --> 00:08:03,003 as part of a...a healing process, I suppose, but... 153 00:08:03,003 --> 00:08:06,003 I just... I just miss you so much, Helena. 154 00:08:06,003 --> 00:08:07,843 I thought I'd get over it, but I can't. 155 00:08:07,843 --> 00:08:11,243 Oh, God! 156 00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:15,963 I'm sorry. 157 00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:17,483 Oh, shall I? 158 00:08:17,483 --> 00:08:19,243 I didn't call just to... 159 00:08:19,243 --> 00:08:22,123 I didn't call just to cry at you down the phone, 160 00:08:22,123 --> 00:08:23,723 but these photos, I just... 161 00:08:27,283 --> 00:08:29,243 ..I love you. 162 00:08:29,243 --> 00:08:31,883 Bye. 163 00:08:31,883 --> 00:08:33,163 Mm... 164 00:08:33,163 --> 00:08:34,443 Wrong number? 165 00:08:34,443 --> 00:08:35,843 What? 166 00:08:35,843 --> 00:08:37,443 It's all I could think to say. 167 00:08:37,443 --> 00:08:39,883 It was that or put my whole fist in my mouth. 168 00:08:41,243 --> 00:08:43,203 When did you split up? 169 00:08:43,203 --> 00:08:44,603 Two months ago. 170 00:08:44,603 --> 00:08:46,283 I'm sorry. 171 00:08:46,283 --> 00:08:49,043 Don't be. It was his fault. 172 00:08:49,043 --> 00:08:52,363 He knew what he was getting into, he said he could adapt, 173 00:08:52,363 --> 00:08:54,723 but he couldn't. 174 00:08:54,723 --> 00:08:56,243 Believe me, he couldn't. 175 00:09:09,563 --> 00:09:10,923 Look, 176 00:09:10,923 --> 00:09:12,843 I know it's normal for you, 177 00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:15,003 but it must have been a big change for him. 178 00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:18,723 Well, then, he couldn't have cared. 179 00:09:18,723 --> 00:09:20,643 Come on. 180 00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:23,083 I mean, if you're not used to... 181 00:09:23,083 --> 00:09:25,723 Even holding hands must be weird, mustn't it? 182 00:09:27,963 --> 00:09:29,123 What? 183 00:09:29,123 --> 00:09:33,043 You must feel that, any minute, you could get carried away 184 00:09:33,043 --> 00:09:35,563 and just bowl you, 185 00:09:35,563 --> 00:09:37,763 straight into a river maybe. 186 00:09:37,763 --> 00:09:39,203 And then what? 187 00:09:39,203 --> 00:09:42,163 What happens if he books a restaurant with a tall table? 188 00:09:42,163 --> 00:09:43,643 What are you talking about? 189 00:09:43,643 --> 00:09:46,123 Well, you'd know better than me, 190 00:09:46,123 --> 00:09:47,843 but book the wrong place and... 191 00:09:47,843 --> 00:09:51,523 ..he's going to be eating with a floating head, isn't he? 192 00:09:51,523 --> 00:09:54,243 He couldn't handle the fact that I'm vegan. 193 00:09:54,243 --> 00:09:55,763 What? 194 00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:59,723 We split up because he couldn't cope with my veganism, you idiot. 195 00:09:59,723 --> 00:10:01,083 Of course! 196 00:10:01,083 --> 00:10:02,443 Of course, that's going to be 197 00:10:02,443 --> 00:10:04,363 a real lifestyle clash as well, isn't it? 198 00:10:04,363 --> 00:10:06,403 I mean, what's all this bullshit? 199 00:10:06,403 --> 00:10:08,883 Do you want another cup of tea? I've got a really dry mouth. 200 00:10:08,883 --> 00:10:11,043 Have you got a dry mouth? I'll make it, you stay... 201 00:10:11,043 --> 00:10:13,763 Yeah, lovely. Lovely cup of tea, isn't it? 202 00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:21,083 He said it wasn't a problem at the start. 203 00:10:21,083 --> 00:10:23,323 He said he'd been thinking about it anyway because 204 00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:25,203 a lot of people at his work had gone full vegan. 205 00:10:25,203 --> 00:10:28,163 It was perfect. And then... 206 00:10:29,523 --> 00:10:31,283 ..my friend saw him at the supermarket, 207 00:10:31,283 --> 00:10:32,883 and all he had in his basket 208 00:10:32,883 --> 00:10:35,163 was one big pork chop. One big pork chop? 209 00:10:35,163 --> 00:10:36,643 One big pork chop. Please tell me 210 00:10:36,643 --> 00:10:38,923 you didn't end a relationship over one big pork chop? 211 00:10:38,923 --> 00:10:40,083 No, of course not. 212 00:10:40,083 --> 00:10:41,763 Thank God for that, I was going to say! 213 00:10:41,763 --> 00:10:43,763 A pinch of salt, 15 minutes under the grill, 214 00:10:43,763 --> 00:10:46,843 it's like it never existed. Lovely big pork chop. 215 00:10:46,843 --> 00:10:47,963 I have physio on Tuesdays, 216 00:10:47,963 --> 00:10:49,723 and he always said he went to meet a friend. 217 00:10:49,723 --> 00:10:51,843 I knew it, I knew it. 218 00:10:51,843 --> 00:10:53,563 And I suppose... 219 00:10:54,683 --> 00:10:56,403 ..she could walk, couldn't she? 220 00:10:56,403 --> 00:10:58,563 It was his friend Toby. 221 00:10:58,563 --> 00:10:59,963 He's gay? 222 00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:02,643 Gay Gareth, gay Toby, both walkers. You poor thing. 223 00:11:02,643 --> 00:11:04,603 They were in a steak house! 224 00:11:04,603 --> 00:11:07,083 That's bad. Is it? 225 00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:08,283 Yeah. 226 00:11:08,283 --> 00:11:10,043 I confronted him there and then. 227 00:11:10,043 --> 00:11:12,523 I could barely stand to be in the building. 228 00:11:12,523 --> 00:11:15,123 The stench of death was everywhere. 229 00:11:16,203 --> 00:11:17,923 He didn't even try and deny it. 230 00:11:17,923 --> 00:11:20,163 Said he's been going there every week for a "meat orgy". 231 00:11:20,163 --> 00:11:22,723 A meat...orgy? 232 00:11:22,723 --> 00:11:24,723 Mm. While I was in there, they brought out 233 00:11:24,723 --> 00:11:27,603 a bucket of chicken wings. I thought I was going to be sick. 234 00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:30,243 Ah, tell me about it. Disgusting, aren't they? 235 00:11:30,243 --> 00:11:31,363 There's nothing on 'em. 236 00:11:31,363 --> 00:11:33,283 It's like sucking a little skeleton. 237 00:11:33,283 --> 00:11:34,643 Oh, for God's sake. 238 00:11:34,643 --> 00:11:35,763 Eh? 239 00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:37,283 Jeez. 240 00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:39,403 It is! 241 00:11:43,923 --> 00:11:45,323 Did you really dump him 242 00:11:45,323 --> 00:11:47,603 just cos he goes for a steak every now and then? 243 00:11:47,603 --> 00:11:50,683 Well, you might be happy to date a mass murderer, but I'm not. 244 00:11:50,683 --> 00:11:53,403 It's clear you've had a few burgers, isn't it? 245 00:11:54,403 --> 00:11:57,083 Ah, come on! 246 00:11:57,083 --> 00:11:59,083 Yeah, it's fine to kill and eat animals. 247 00:11:59,083 --> 00:12:01,043 Maybe I should date a people-trafficker next, 248 00:12:01,043 --> 00:12:02,763 get myself a nice slave to do my housework. 249 00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:05,723 You can't compare. They're animals! 250 00:12:05,723 --> 00:12:07,443 You're old enough to remember The Smiths, 251 00:12:07,443 --> 00:12:09,963 aren't you? Did Morrissey not get to you? 252 00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:12,363 Yeah, Meat Is Murder's a great song, so is Fuck Tha Police. 253 00:12:12,363 --> 00:12:14,163 I don't take songs literally. 254 00:12:14,163 --> 00:12:16,163 I have had sex with a policewoman, though. 255 00:12:16,163 --> 00:12:18,243 Look, you think... It was a dry hump. 256 00:12:18,243 --> 00:12:19,803 You think that a human 257 00:12:19,803 --> 00:12:22,963 is more important than an animal, obviously. 258 00:12:22,963 --> 00:12:25,203 Well, yeah, if I'm honest. Why? 259 00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:27,843 Well, because we know we're alive, don't we? 260 00:12:27,843 --> 00:12:30,003 Cos we can talk and we can wa... Heh. 261 00:12:30,003 --> 00:12:31,963 Walk upright? Ah, no. 262 00:12:31,963 --> 00:12:34,443 You can't get me like that. I told you about my friend's dog. 263 00:12:34,443 --> 00:12:36,563 Oh, will you stop with your friend and his dog 264 00:12:36,563 --> 00:12:37,803 walking on its hind legs? 265 00:12:37,803 --> 00:12:39,843 I would have reported him for animal cruelty. 266 00:12:39,843 --> 00:12:41,963 The dog liked it. It made his lipstick come out. 267 00:12:41,963 --> 00:12:44,723 Oh, right, well, shall we get some photographs up, shall we? 268 00:12:44,723 --> 00:12:45,843 There's no need. 269 00:12:45,843 --> 00:12:48,283 Oh, come on, we've got a nice one here, 270 00:12:48,283 --> 00:12:51,203 of a calf being slaughtered, and a few of some baby chickens 271 00:12:51,203 --> 00:12:52,683 being thrown through the grinder. 272 00:12:52,683 --> 00:12:54,363 It'll really sharpen up your appetite. 273 00:12:54,363 --> 00:12:56,643 I've seen the vegan stuff. I get it. 274 00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:59,363 I just don't think you can compare humans and animals, that's all. 275 00:12:59,363 --> 00:13:01,083 Because humans are aware they're alive, 276 00:13:01,083 --> 00:13:02,603 because they're sentient? 277 00:13:02,603 --> 00:13:03,803 Well, yeah. Fine. 278 00:13:03,803 --> 00:13:06,643 Then go down to the old people's home, eat an Alzheimer's patient. 279 00:13:06,643 --> 00:13:08,683 Oh, don't be daft. Why not? 280 00:13:08,683 --> 00:13:10,283 They don't know what's going on. 281 00:13:10,283 --> 00:13:12,723 You can have yourself a nice Alzheimer's ribeye. 282 00:13:12,723 --> 00:13:14,283 I don't want an Alzheimer's ribeye. 283 00:13:14,283 --> 00:13:16,563 Well, why don't you go down to the hospital, 284 00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:18,043 eat a nice coma victim curry? 285 00:13:18,043 --> 00:13:20,443 Stop making up delicious human dishes! 286 00:13:20,443 --> 00:13:22,523 Look, I can see I'm winding you up. 287 00:13:22,523 --> 00:13:25,003 I'm going to go and wait outside. 288 00:13:25,003 --> 00:13:27,843 Fine, go! You stink of death anyway. 289 00:13:27,843 --> 00:13:29,723 God. 290 00:13:29,723 --> 00:13:32,403 For the record, the reason I stink of death 291 00:13:32,403 --> 00:13:33,723 is, this morning, I cleaned up 292 00:13:33,723 --> 00:13:36,283 the body of a woman who'd been killed in an armed robbery. 293 00:13:36,283 --> 00:13:37,443 She had three children. 294 00:13:37,443 --> 00:13:39,563 Shall I tell them it could have been worse? 295 00:13:39,563 --> 00:13:42,763 She could have been caught going for a steak with Gareth! 296 00:13:47,123 --> 00:13:48,923 I like a steak myself! 297 00:13:48,923 --> 00:13:51,963 I'm a carnivore, and you're not going to spoil it for me! 298 00:13:51,963 --> 00:13:54,403 I'd love to see your face if you had to kill a cow. 299 00:13:54,403 --> 00:13:55,923 I've thought about this, actually, 300 00:13:55,923 --> 00:13:57,403 and I could kill a cow! 301 00:13:57,403 --> 00:13:58,643 You wouldn't know how to. 302 00:13:58,643 --> 00:14:00,563 You're like all meat-eaters, a coward! 303 00:14:00,563 --> 00:14:02,603 I'd punch a cow as soon as look at it. 304 00:14:02,603 --> 00:14:04,683 And then I'd eat it! Raw! 305 00:14:04,683 --> 00:14:06,203 Sorry about this, mate. 306 00:14:06,203 --> 00:14:08,803 I'm having a row with a disabled girl about eating meat. 307 00:14:08,803 --> 00:14:10,683 Which reminds me, 308 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,403 don't get me started about Quorn! 309 00:14:13,683 --> 00:14:15,043 Are you there? 310 00:14:15,043 --> 00:14:16,683 She's gone. 311 00:15:08,643 --> 00:15:10,683 Hello, love. Hiya, Mum. 312 00:15:10,683 --> 00:15:12,043 Fancy a hot pot? 313 00:15:12,043 --> 00:15:13,643 Yes, come in. Yay! 314 00:15:13,643 --> 00:15:15,283 Oh, Gareth, 315 00:15:15,283 --> 00:15:17,763 you have been wronged! 316 00:15:19,483 --> 00:15:21,523 Yeah, no, of course. 317 00:15:21,523 --> 00:15:23,883 Yeah, no, I'm still here. 318 00:15:23,883 --> 00:15:25,923 Yeah. 319 00:15:25,923 --> 00:15:27,683 Tell him to take his time. 320 00:15:27,683 --> 00:15:29,283 No, I'm happy to wait. 321 00:15:29,283 --> 00:15:31,403 I want to wait. 322 00:15:31,403 --> 00:15:32,763 Cheers, Mum. Got to go. 323 00:15:32,763 --> 00:15:37,123 OK. See you later, darling. Oh, see you, Mum. Thanks! 324 00:15:37,123 --> 00:15:38,763 Bye! Love you. Love you! 325 00:15:38,763 --> 00:15:40,043 Bye! Bye! 326 00:15:43,683 --> 00:15:44,763 Hello? 327 00:15:47,443 --> 00:15:49,123 Oh. Hello. 328 00:15:49,123 --> 00:15:51,603 What do you want? I just wanted to say sorry about earlier. 329 00:15:51,603 --> 00:15:53,883 Apology accepted. Bye! 330 00:15:59,443 --> 00:16:02,443 I've been, uh, reading about the old veganism 331 00:16:02,443 --> 00:16:03,883 while I was waiting. 332 00:16:03,883 --> 00:16:05,803 Really popular these days, isn't it? 333 00:16:05,803 --> 00:16:07,083 Yeah, of course it is. 334 00:16:07,083 --> 00:16:10,283 Mm, a lot of celebrities on the old "vege". 335 00:16:10,283 --> 00:16:13,803 Yeah, it's just the dinosaurs who haven't woken up. 336 00:16:13,803 --> 00:16:15,683 Yeah, I didn't know about cows. 337 00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:18,883 Little moo cows' farts ruining the climate. 338 00:16:18,883 --> 00:16:22,323 Well done. You've learnt what most people did a decade ago. 339 00:16:22,323 --> 00:16:24,763 What's next? Will you be recycling? 340 00:16:24,763 --> 00:16:27,363 You're really like superheroes, aren't you? 341 00:16:27,363 --> 00:16:30,563 You vegans. 342 00:16:31,563 --> 00:16:34,043 What do you want? I think I've left some cleaning stuff here. 343 00:16:34,043 --> 00:16:36,163 You didn't bring any in. A small specialist brush. 344 00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:38,083 I think it fell out of my pocket. I didn't see it. 345 00:16:38,083 --> 00:16:40,003 It's not in my bag, so... I've told you, 346 00:16:40,003 --> 00:16:42,443 there's nothing in here. I would have seen it. 347 00:16:42,443 --> 00:16:43,963 Perhaps it rolled under your sofa. 348 00:16:43,963 --> 00:16:45,883 Like I said, there's nothing in here. 349 00:16:45,883 --> 00:16:47,883 Mind if I have a look? Yes, I do mind. 350 00:16:47,883 --> 00:16:49,363 I won't be long. No. 351 00:16:52,043 --> 00:16:53,443 I think I'm going to jump you. 352 00:16:53,443 --> 00:16:55,483 You wouldn't dare. 353 00:16:55,483 --> 00:16:56,883 I would dare. 354 00:16:56,883 --> 00:16:58,603 You wouldn't dare jump me. 355 00:16:58,603 --> 00:17:00,563 I think I'm going to jump you. 356 00:17:00,563 --> 00:17:02,003 No, you've got a bad back. 357 00:17:05,043 --> 00:17:06,523 It popped back in. 358 00:17:06,523 --> 00:17:07,803 No, no! 359 00:17:25,843 --> 00:17:27,443 Aha! 360 00:17:27,443 --> 00:17:29,683 What do you think you're doing? 361 00:17:29,683 --> 00:17:31,883 You just got jumped. 362 00:17:31,883 --> 00:17:34,323 And now you're going to get judged. 363 00:17:34,323 --> 00:17:36,963 Ah! Jesus! 364 00:17:36,963 --> 00:17:39,683 I flew too close to the sun! 365 00:17:41,403 --> 00:17:43,043 This is for Gareth. 366 00:17:47,363 --> 00:17:49,843 Leave it! Leave it! 367 00:17:53,203 --> 00:17:55,283 Mmmm! 368 00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:57,763 Beef! I knew it! 369 00:18:19,763 --> 00:18:21,043 It's not what you think. 370 00:18:21,043 --> 00:18:25,363 Is it not? Because I think that that was a hot pot full of beef! 371 00:18:25,363 --> 00:18:27,563 Well, it was. Unbelievable. 372 00:18:27,563 --> 00:18:30,203 You're not a vegan? No, I am, I am. 373 00:18:30,203 --> 00:18:31,283 Did you eat that hot pot? 374 00:18:31,283 --> 00:18:32,563 Well, yeah, but... 375 00:18:32,563 --> 00:18:34,723 But nothing. Poor Gareth. 376 00:18:34,723 --> 00:18:36,083 No, I hate it. 377 00:18:36,083 --> 00:18:37,883 I just try and eat the potato, 378 00:18:37,883 --> 00:18:39,683 just enough to make her think I've had it. 379 00:18:39,683 --> 00:18:40,843 Eh? 380 00:18:40,843 --> 00:18:42,963 Your mum doesn't know you're a vegan? 381 00:18:42,963 --> 00:18:45,803 Well, I've tried telling her, but she just doesn't get it. 382 00:18:45,803 --> 00:18:47,803 Well, tell her she can go to the old people's home 383 00:18:47,803 --> 00:18:50,043 for an Alzheimer's steak. Worked for me. 384 00:18:50,043 --> 00:18:52,803 Well, she took it harder than anyone. 385 00:18:52,803 --> 00:18:55,043 Harder than me. What? 386 00:18:55,043 --> 00:18:56,803 The accident. 387 00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:59,443 I thought you'd always been in a wheelchair. 388 00:18:59,443 --> 00:19:00,563 No. 389 00:19:02,003 --> 00:19:05,003 Six years ago, car accident, drunk driver. 390 00:19:05,003 --> 00:19:06,883 Bastard! 391 00:19:06,883 --> 00:19:09,083 Why do people do that? No, no. 392 00:19:09,083 --> 00:19:10,523 I was the drunk driver. 393 00:19:10,523 --> 00:19:13,283 Yeah, well, we all like a drink when we're stressed, don't we? 394 00:19:13,283 --> 00:19:14,763 Come on. I've operated a fork lift 395 00:19:14,763 --> 00:19:16,523 after a bottle of Schnapps. Who hasn't? 396 00:19:16,523 --> 00:19:19,323 No, I-I don't need you to try and make me feel better. 397 00:19:19,323 --> 00:19:21,083 It's my own fault. 398 00:19:21,083 --> 00:19:23,003 I'm just lucky that no-one else got hurt. 399 00:19:23,003 --> 00:19:24,563 Well, I say no-one. 400 00:19:24,563 --> 00:19:25,843 Oh, God. 401 00:19:27,003 --> 00:19:28,443 You hit a cow, didn't you? 402 00:19:28,443 --> 00:19:29,963 That's why you're a vegan. 403 00:19:29,963 --> 00:19:32,923 No! I mean my mum. 404 00:19:32,923 --> 00:19:36,043 She just worries and worries so much. 405 00:19:36,043 --> 00:19:39,443 It's difficult seeing your own mum look at you 406 00:19:39,443 --> 00:19:43,603 and then just start crying, no reason. 407 00:19:43,603 --> 00:19:45,563 We could be having a perfectly nice day, 408 00:19:45,563 --> 00:19:47,163 and then she'll see me in my wheelchair 409 00:19:47,163 --> 00:19:50,163 and it's like she's seeing it for the first time. 410 00:19:51,203 --> 00:19:52,963 But you're doing all right. 411 00:19:52,963 --> 00:19:55,443 I mean, you're rubbish at getting oranges, but... 412 00:19:55,443 --> 00:19:57,883 I'm fine. 413 00:19:57,883 --> 00:19:59,963 I've adjusted and I love life. 414 00:19:59,963 --> 00:20:01,483 I probably do more than I would have 415 00:20:01,483 --> 00:20:03,043 if it hadn't happened. 416 00:20:03,043 --> 00:20:05,163 So you'd recommend it, being disabled? 417 00:20:05,163 --> 00:20:07,963 Oh, shut up. 418 00:20:07,963 --> 00:20:11,283 So, every week, she brings me a hot pot or a shepherd's pie, 419 00:20:11,283 --> 00:20:13,483 and I just can't bring myself to tell her no. 420 00:20:13,483 --> 00:20:16,203 It's her way of, like, helping, you see. 421 00:20:17,563 --> 00:20:19,083 Her way of being a mum. 422 00:20:19,083 --> 00:20:22,043 I get it. My mum used to make awesome hot pots. 423 00:20:22,043 --> 00:20:24,123 Oh, I'm sorry. Is she not here any more? 424 00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:27,163 No, she's fine, she just can't make hot pots any more. 425 00:20:27,163 --> 00:20:29,203 Dad's got a catchphrase about it. 426 00:20:29,203 --> 00:20:31,403 "Your mum used to be a great cook, kids. 427 00:20:31,403 --> 00:20:34,003 "Now she's shit. I wish I'd never married her." 428 00:20:34,003 --> 00:20:35,083 Jesus! 429 00:20:36,643 --> 00:20:39,123 Oh, right, well, there you go, there's the full story. 430 00:20:39,123 --> 00:20:41,923 God, I'm exhausted. I feel like I need a beer. 431 00:20:41,923 --> 00:20:43,683 Hmm, I'm sorry, I can't help you there. 432 00:20:43,683 --> 00:20:45,443 It's got animal products in it. 433 00:20:45,443 --> 00:20:48,123 I prefer a joint these days, anyway. 434 00:20:49,923 --> 00:20:51,363 Is that right? 435 00:20:51,363 --> 00:20:53,403 No animals in a joint. 436 00:20:53,403 --> 00:20:55,123 And have you, uh...? 437 00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:04,923 You're like Robocop. 438 00:21:04,923 --> 00:21:07,163 Your move, creep. 439 00:21:07,163 --> 00:21:09,203 I haven't seen Robocop. 440 00:21:09,203 --> 00:21:10,563 Oh. 441 00:21:49,203 --> 00:21:51,323 How come your mum's allowed meat 442 00:21:51,323 --> 00:21:53,083 and Gazza isn't? 443 00:21:53,083 --> 00:21:54,923 It's different. How? 444 00:21:54,923 --> 00:21:57,643 She's my mum, silly. She raised me. 445 00:21:57,643 --> 00:22:00,803 When I first met him, I told him I was vegan, 446 00:22:00,803 --> 00:22:02,283 and I take it seriously, 447 00:22:02,283 --> 00:22:04,243 and I can't be with anyone who isn't. 448 00:22:04,243 --> 00:22:05,403 Right. 449 00:22:05,403 --> 00:22:08,043 He chose to come into my life, she chose to give me it. 450 00:22:08,043 --> 00:22:10,403 I get it, your mum's allowed meat orgies. 451 00:22:10,403 --> 00:22:15,443 Don't put my mum in the same sentence as "orgies", right? 452 00:22:15,443 --> 00:22:18,163 Oh, and for God's sake, do not call him Gazza again. 453 00:22:18,163 --> 00:22:19,563 Listen, all I'm saying is, 454 00:22:19,563 --> 00:22:21,283 there's a double standard there, 455 00:22:21,283 --> 00:22:24,003 but I'm going to let it slide because I have a question. 456 00:22:24,003 --> 00:22:27,003 Oh, bloody hell. I don't want to talk about him any more. 457 00:22:27,003 --> 00:22:29,923 It's not about him, it's not about meat, 458 00:22:29,923 --> 00:22:32,923 but it is serious. 459 00:22:37,603 --> 00:22:38,963 Can you get me one? 460 00:22:40,363 --> 00:22:42,123 "One"? 461 00:22:42,123 --> 00:22:45,403 You know, it's the Holy Grail. 462 00:22:47,323 --> 00:22:48,603 Oh... 463 00:22:50,083 --> 00:22:52,563 You're talking about a blue badge, aren't you? 464 00:22:52,563 --> 00:22:54,683 Sweet freedom of the city. 465 00:22:54,683 --> 00:22:56,843 No. 466 00:22:56,843 --> 00:22:59,283 I'm not getting you a bloody disabled parking badge. 467 00:22:59,283 --> 00:23:01,683 Yeah, thought not. Closed shop, ain't it? 468 00:23:01,683 --> 00:23:03,603 Damn right. 469 00:23:03,603 --> 00:23:05,043 There's got to be some perks. 470 00:23:05,043 --> 00:23:06,403 I'm glad you admit it. 471 00:23:06,403 --> 00:23:07,883 No, no, no, no. 472 00:23:07,883 --> 00:23:09,683 Any advantages we have are fair. 473 00:23:09,683 --> 00:23:10,803 Yeah, right. 474 00:23:10,803 --> 00:23:12,243 I seem to remember 475 00:23:12,243 --> 00:23:15,083 Oscar Pistorius did pretty well on those springs. 476 00:23:15,083 --> 00:23:19,563 I mean, before all the horrible murder and stuff, obviously. 477 00:23:19,563 --> 00:23:22,203 Springs? They weren't springs. 478 00:23:22,203 --> 00:23:23,843 I know a spring when I see it, mate. 479 00:23:23,843 --> 00:23:25,203 Guy bounced his way to victory. 480 00:23:25,203 --> 00:23:28,083 Right, well, let's put your theory to the test. 481 00:23:28,083 --> 00:23:29,563 There's a food truck down the road. 482 00:23:29,563 --> 00:23:30,883 It does great vegan sausages. 483 00:23:30,883 --> 00:23:32,283 I can't go, can I? My back. 484 00:23:32,283 --> 00:23:34,483 No, I'm talking about levelling the playing field, 485 00:23:34,483 --> 00:23:36,643 aren't I? A fair race. 486 00:23:36,643 --> 00:23:38,643 How? 487 00:23:38,643 --> 00:23:40,043 Got a spare, haven't I? 488 00:23:43,003 --> 00:23:45,563 Ah. Bring it. 489 00:23:45,563 --> 00:23:47,043 Oh, I'll bring it. 490 00:23:58,963 --> 00:24:02,243 Come on, able-bodied athlete, you're getting thrashed! 491 00:24:07,643 --> 00:24:11,763 I'm in hell! Oh, what? 492 00:24:11,763 --> 00:24:14,243 I don't get it! 493 00:24:14,243 --> 00:24:16,323 Something wrong with your arms? 494 00:24:16,323 --> 00:24:18,403 Too many burgers, that's your problem. 495 00:24:18,403 --> 00:24:22,483 Oh, you poor thing! Does he need my help? 496 00:24:22,483 --> 00:24:23,763 Oh... Oh... 497 00:24:23,763 --> 00:24:25,483 Would you? 498 00:24:25,483 --> 00:24:27,123 Oh, thanks. 499 00:24:28,803 --> 00:24:30,203 This is so lovely of you. 500 00:24:30,203 --> 00:24:32,763 He's been really struggling at the minute. 501 00:24:42,003 --> 00:24:43,483 So what do you think? 502 00:24:43,483 --> 00:24:46,043 I think I want to go and find Gareth and have a steak. 503 00:24:46,043 --> 00:24:48,323 It's nice! It's just like meat. 504 00:24:48,323 --> 00:24:50,243 This is as like meat as I'm like... 505 00:24:50,243 --> 00:24:51,683 ..a goose. 506 00:24:51,683 --> 00:24:53,283 You'll be helping the environment by 507 00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:54,483 stopping cows from farting. 508 00:24:54,483 --> 00:24:56,923 You think this isn't going to make me fart? 509 00:24:56,923 --> 00:24:59,203 Give me half an hour, I'll be going off like a tug boat. 510 00:25:01,963 --> 00:25:04,123 I'm eating it, aren't I? I'm eating it. 511 00:25:04,123 --> 00:25:05,763 Bollocks! What? 512 00:25:05,763 --> 00:25:06,923 Oh, it's him. 513 00:25:06,923 --> 00:25:08,203 Who? 514 00:25:08,203 --> 00:25:09,403 Gareth! 515 00:25:16,363 --> 00:25:18,203 Oh, God, 516 00:25:18,203 --> 00:25:20,003 you still love him, don't you? 517 00:25:23,523 --> 00:25:25,523 He's amazing. 518 00:25:29,403 --> 00:25:31,763 Oh. 519 00:25:31,763 --> 00:25:34,203 All right. I'll do it. 520 00:25:34,203 --> 00:25:35,643 Do what? 521 00:25:35,643 --> 00:25:37,723 I'll go vegan one day a week. 522 00:25:37,723 --> 00:25:39,603 I can stomach this shit one day a week. 523 00:25:39,603 --> 00:25:40,963 How's that going to help? 524 00:25:40,963 --> 00:25:42,603 Use your brains. 525 00:25:42,603 --> 00:25:44,803 If I'm not eating meat one day a week, 526 00:25:44,803 --> 00:25:48,403 it means that Gareth can go on his meat orgies, can't he? 527 00:25:48,403 --> 00:25:51,443 Cos there'll be one person not eating meat, all the time. 528 00:25:51,443 --> 00:25:52,683 Right? 529 00:25:52,683 --> 00:25:55,243 No, you... You wouldn't stick to that. 530 00:25:55,243 --> 00:25:58,203 You think I wouldn't eat a soya sausage for love? 531 00:25:58,203 --> 00:26:02,003 I'll eat a soya sausage for love. 532 00:26:02,003 --> 00:26:04,323 Go on, go after him! 533 00:26:04,323 --> 00:26:07,163 You'll catch him easy, he's only got legs. 534 00:26:22,483 --> 00:26:24,283 Hello, boss. 535 00:26:24,283 --> 00:26:25,763 Yeah. 536 00:26:25,763 --> 00:26:26,883 He's there? All right. 537 00:26:26,883 --> 00:26:28,363 No, I'm just down the road. 538 00:26:28,363 --> 00:26:30,043 Yeah, yeah, I'll get it done. 539 00:26:30,043 --> 00:26:31,083 All right. 540 00:26:44,323 --> 00:26:46,163 All right? Yeah. 541 00:26:46,163 --> 00:26:47,363 What are they, mate? 542 00:26:47,363 --> 00:26:49,323 They pork, yeah? Yeah. 543 00:26:49,323 --> 00:26:50,723 Go on, sort me out. 544 00:26:52,763 --> 00:26:54,483 Liar! 545 00:26:56,603 --> 00:26:58,683 Sumo Santa! 546 00:26:58,683 --> 00:27:00,243 I can walk! 547 00:27:00,243 --> 00:27:01,283 Oh!