1 00:00:03,443 --> 00:00:04,483 ENGINE STARTS 2 00:00:24,123 --> 00:00:25,163 GEAR GRINDS 3 00:00:43,923 --> 00:00:46,083 HE SIGHS 4 00:00:46,083 --> 00:00:47,643 DOORBELL RINGS 5 00:00:48,963 --> 00:00:50,403 No, thank you. 6 00:00:53,683 --> 00:00:55,443 DOORBELL RINGS 7 00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:58,003 All right? 8 00:00:58,003 --> 00:01:00,003 My nerves are frayed. 9 00:01:00,003 --> 00:01:01,323 Are you Mr Redford? 10 00:01:01,323 --> 00:01:04,563 I'm deaf, I'm mute, my synapses are firing out of control, 11 00:01:04,563 --> 00:01:06,683 I can't think a single clear thought. 12 00:01:06,683 --> 00:01:09,363 I'm trying so hard to concentrate, but every five minutes, 13 00:01:09,363 --> 00:01:11,403 someone crashes into my space. 14 00:01:11,403 --> 00:01:13,243 If I don't accomplish something today, 15 00:01:13,243 --> 00:01:16,163 I shall not be responsible for my actions. 16 00:01:16,163 --> 00:01:17,483 Are you Mr Redford? 17 00:01:17,483 --> 00:01:20,083 Mr Redford does not exist without his work. 18 00:01:20,083 --> 00:01:21,843 Why can't anyone understand that? 19 00:01:24,683 --> 00:01:26,443 There, a signed first edition. 20 00:01:26,443 --> 00:01:27,763 You have what you came for. 21 00:01:27,763 --> 00:01:29,763 Now, I beg you, leave me alone. 22 00:01:29,763 --> 00:01:30,963 I beg you! 23 00:01:34,163 --> 00:01:35,203 DOORBELL RINGS 24 00:01:36,643 --> 00:01:38,243 There's a spelling mistake on this. 25 00:01:38,243 --> 00:01:40,323 What? Impossible! You lie. 26 00:01:40,323 --> 00:01:42,323 Yeah. I just wanted you to keep the door open. 27 00:01:42,323 --> 00:01:44,803 You are a... Na-na-na! 28 00:01:44,803 --> 00:01:46,603 Has someone died here? Yes. 29 00:01:46,603 --> 00:01:48,443 Then you're going to want to invite me in. 30 00:01:48,443 --> 00:01:49,803 Ah, so you're the cleaner. 31 00:01:49,803 --> 00:01:52,443 No. I am the crime scene cleaner. 32 00:01:52,443 --> 00:01:54,123 Big difference. Huge. 33 00:01:54,123 --> 00:01:56,523 My work starts where others pass in horror. 34 00:01:56,523 --> 00:01:59,483 A tired cliche, that I'm sure you've used a thousand times. 35 00:02:00,483 --> 00:02:02,163 I hate your beard. 36 00:02:02,163 --> 00:02:04,763 What? Yeah, that's not a tired cliche, is it? 37 00:02:04,763 --> 00:02:06,483 Now, would you like to invite me in? 38 00:02:06,483 --> 00:02:08,043 Now is not a good time. 39 00:02:08,043 --> 00:02:09,283 HE SIGHS 40 00:02:09,283 --> 00:02:11,363 Right. 41 00:02:11,363 --> 00:02:15,963 OK, well, you'll have to sign this to say you don't need my services. 42 00:02:15,963 --> 00:02:18,163 And if you've got blood and human remains in there, 43 00:02:18,163 --> 00:02:19,923 you might want to clean them up quickly, 44 00:02:19,923 --> 00:02:22,723 or you're going to have some unwanted housemates. Bye. 45 00:02:23,803 --> 00:02:26,563 Wait! what unwanted housemates? 46 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:27,803 Bacteria. 47 00:02:27,803 --> 00:02:29,243 Oh, bacteria. 48 00:02:29,243 --> 00:02:31,683 The rats. Rats? Yes, rats! 49 00:02:31,683 --> 00:02:34,043 A real vermin house party. Enjoy. 50 00:02:34,043 --> 00:02:35,843 All right, y-you may come in. 51 00:02:35,843 --> 00:02:38,283 No. No, you're all right. You've signed this now. 52 00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:41,683 I...think I'll go and have a lovely beer. 53 00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:44,563 Please! I-I don't want a vermin house party. 54 00:02:44,563 --> 00:02:46,003 I have a deadline. 55 00:02:46,003 --> 00:02:47,923 Oh, dear. 56 00:02:47,923 --> 00:02:51,483 £20. I'll give you £20 for beer. 57 00:02:51,483 --> 00:02:53,443 I don't even like beer. 58 00:02:56,603 --> 00:02:58,883 I do like beer. Go on. 59 00:02:58,883 --> 00:02:59,963 Come on, then. 60 00:03:11,123 --> 00:03:12,683 I shall be working in here. 61 00:03:12,683 --> 00:03:15,563 Please do not enter at any point, for any reason. 62 00:03:15,563 --> 00:03:18,723 There. As you can see, the blood is extensive. 63 00:03:18,723 --> 00:03:21,763 I've covered it with brown paper because it's a little visceral. 64 00:03:21,763 --> 00:03:23,963 It's a little...? It is triggering. 65 00:03:23,963 --> 00:03:26,363 Everyone's getting triggered these days, aren't they? 66 00:03:26,363 --> 00:03:28,243 Lot of triggering going on. 67 00:03:28,243 --> 00:03:30,643 No? 68 00:03:30,643 --> 00:03:32,643 Not a lot of him left. Her. 69 00:03:32,643 --> 00:03:34,843 Oh. What, er...? 70 00:03:34,843 --> 00:03:37,643 Some kind of explosion, sending shrapnel everywhere. 71 00:03:37,643 --> 00:03:40,803 That wood-burner is connected to the heating system. 72 00:03:40,803 --> 00:03:44,203 They think a malfunction caused a gas backdraught, 73 00:03:44,203 --> 00:03:47,083 simultaneously slicing and incinerating the victim. 74 00:03:47,083 --> 00:03:50,203 Essentially, she burnt to death because she was too old to escape. 75 00:03:50,203 --> 00:03:52,403 HE EXHALES Horrific. 76 00:03:52,403 --> 00:03:53,803 Can't even imagine. 77 00:03:53,803 --> 00:03:55,883 You're a cleaner, you're not paid to imagine. 78 00:03:55,883 --> 00:03:57,443 Hey, we can imagine! 79 00:03:57,443 --> 00:03:58,683 Go on, then. 80 00:04:02,003 --> 00:04:03,403 A moon. 81 00:04:05,803 --> 00:04:08,043 OK, well, now the heating isn't working, 82 00:04:08,043 --> 00:04:10,643 and I'm writing a novel set during a Provencal summer. 83 00:04:10,643 --> 00:04:12,403 I'm freezing. I'm in hell. 84 00:04:12,403 --> 00:04:14,443 Right. Were you here when it happened? 85 00:04:14,443 --> 00:04:16,483 Thankfully no, I was at a reading. 86 00:04:16,483 --> 00:04:19,843 The idea that my friend's shit poetry saved my life... 87 00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:22,603 HE LAUGHS MIRTHLESSLY Well, the irony is not lost. 88 00:04:22,603 --> 00:04:26,043 And now, if you'll excuse me, I must return to Provence. 89 00:04:26,043 --> 00:04:27,803 I've got a question. 90 00:04:27,803 --> 00:04:29,083 Yes? 91 00:04:29,083 --> 00:04:31,083 Who was it? Who was what? 92 00:04:31,083 --> 00:04:32,403 Who was that? 93 00:04:32,403 --> 00:04:34,003 Oh. My grandmother. 94 00:04:34,003 --> 00:04:35,563 Oh! 95 00:04:35,563 --> 00:04:37,603 OK, well, I'll... 96 00:04:37,603 --> 00:04:39,163 Good. 97 00:04:39,163 --> 00:04:40,403 And, you know... 98 00:04:42,083 --> 00:04:44,243 I'm sorry. What for? 99 00:04:46,483 --> 00:04:47,563 For your loss. 100 00:04:47,563 --> 00:04:50,003 Why are you sorry? Did you kill her? 101 00:04:50,003 --> 00:04:52,043 I was just being polite, mate. 102 00:04:52,043 --> 00:04:53,963 It's another worn-out cliche. 103 00:04:53,963 --> 00:04:56,243 You're not sorry. You didn't know my grandmother. 104 00:04:56,243 --> 00:04:58,243 Why would you be sorry that she's dead? 105 00:04:58,243 --> 00:05:01,163 It's a bastardisation of the language. 106 00:05:01,163 --> 00:05:04,123 You're right. I couldn't care less she's dead. 107 00:05:04,123 --> 00:05:06,083 There! Now, doesn't that feel fresher? 108 00:05:06,083 --> 00:05:07,723 The clean air of honesty! 109 00:05:07,723 --> 00:05:09,283 I'm glad she's dead! 110 00:05:09,283 --> 00:05:11,363 Why would you be glad? I got carried away, it's... 111 00:05:11,363 --> 00:05:12,763 You are indifferent. 112 00:05:12,763 --> 00:05:14,403 You didn't know my grandmother. 113 00:05:14,403 --> 00:05:17,163 You are indifferent to her life and death. 114 00:05:17,163 --> 00:05:18,523 That is proper. 115 00:05:19,723 --> 00:05:21,243 Sorry. 116 00:05:21,243 --> 00:05:25,283 About saying I'm glad, not about her death. 117 00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:27,203 About which you are...? 118 00:05:28,483 --> 00:05:30,003 Indifferent? 119 00:05:37,043 --> 00:05:38,563 Dick. I can hear you. 120 00:05:38,563 --> 00:05:40,123 Sorry. 121 00:05:40,123 --> 00:05:41,803 But not about your dead nan. 122 00:06:09,683 --> 00:06:11,523 BAG RUSTLES 123 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:18,443 PAPER CRINKLES 124 00:06:30,443 --> 00:06:32,203 I must have quiet. 125 00:06:34,403 --> 00:06:35,963 I've got to move the paper. 126 00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:38,083 Well, move it silently. 127 00:06:38,083 --> 00:06:40,323 It's paper. It scrunches. 128 00:06:40,323 --> 00:06:42,683 It's sort of known for its scrunchiness. 129 00:06:51,803 --> 00:06:54,523 It's going to take ages to clear the area like that. 130 00:06:54,523 --> 00:06:56,803 I'll scrunch it all at once. I'll speed scrunch. 131 00:06:56,803 --> 00:06:59,123 I can't work next to scrunching, 132 00:06:59,123 --> 00:07:00,963 regardless of the scrunch rate. 133 00:07:00,963 --> 00:07:02,483 Well, I don't like tippy-tappy. 134 00:07:02,483 --> 00:07:04,483 Tippy-tappy doesn't affect your work! 135 00:07:04,483 --> 00:07:06,403 Scrunching affects mine. 136 00:07:06,403 --> 00:07:08,763 The fact that I'm using words like "tippy-tappy" 137 00:07:08,763 --> 00:07:10,363 and "scrunch rate" proves it. 138 00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:12,883 You've reduced my vocabulary to yours! 139 00:07:12,883 --> 00:07:15,123 Please, I beg you, I must have quiet. 140 00:07:16,283 --> 00:07:18,763 Fine. 141 00:07:18,763 --> 00:07:20,803 But I know words you don't know. 142 00:07:20,803 --> 00:07:23,763 I very much doubt it, with the greatest of respect. 143 00:07:23,763 --> 00:07:25,283 Crackletranton. What? 144 00:07:25,283 --> 00:07:27,043 Yeah, you don't know that word, do you? 145 00:07:27,043 --> 00:07:28,443 You've clearly made it up. 146 00:07:28,443 --> 00:07:31,243 Perhaps I did make it up - but you didn't know it, did you? 147 00:07:34,763 --> 00:07:37,283 PHONE VIBRATES 148 00:07:37,283 --> 00:07:39,443 Yeah, yeah, I'm here. 149 00:07:39,443 --> 00:07:41,443 What's it like? It's a crackletranton. 150 00:07:43,283 --> 00:07:46,243 OK, you want to dance? Let's dance! 151 00:07:46,243 --> 00:07:48,403 My synapses are on fire. 152 00:07:48,403 --> 00:07:50,643 I am on the verge of writer's block. 153 00:07:50,643 --> 00:07:53,603 I don't suppose there's an equivalent in the world of cleaning, 154 00:07:53,603 --> 00:07:57,323 so let me try and put it to you in such a way as you understand. 155 00:07:57,323 --> 00:07:59,523 If I don't finish this chapter today, 156 00:07:59,523 --> 00:08:01,083 I will kill myself. 157 00:08:01,083 --> 00:08:02,843 Does that make you understand? 158 00:08:02,843 --> 00:08:05,283 I will snuff out my life force, 159 00:08:05,283 --> 00:08:06,563 then you'll have a death 160 00:08:06,563 --> 00:08:09,243 that you can legitimately tell people you're sorry about, 161 00:08:09,243 --> 00:08:11,043 because you caused it! 162 00:08:11,043 --> 00:08:13,643 All you have to do is clean, 163 00:08:13,643 --> 00:08:17,243 and all I ask of you, within that most basic of tasks, 164 00:08:17,243 --> 00:08:19,363 is that you clean quietly! 165 00:08:19,363 --> 00:08:21,243 Do you understand?! 166 00:08:22,403 --> 00:08:23,723 Yes. 167 00:08:23,723 --> 00:08:25,003 Yes, I fully understand. 168 00:08:38,963 --> 00:08:42,363 This? Aw... I've got cleaner's block. 169 00:08:42,363 --> 00:08:43,723 You son of a bitch! 170 00:08:43,723 --> 00:08:45,723 Yeah. It's a very serious condition. 171 00:08:45,723 --> 00:08:47,043 I could be here for months, 172 00:08:47,043 --> 00:08:49,123 if I don't decide to use the vacuum cleaner 173 00:08:49,123 --> 00:08:50,883 to hoover away my life force. 174 00:08:50,883 --> 00:08:53,843 It's money, is it? That's what talks to you people, isn't it? 175 00:08:53,843 --> 00:08:55,283 Hard cash. 176 00:08:55,283 --> 00:08:57,883 20 not enough to guzzle away? 177 00:08:57,883 --> 00:09:00,283 £50...if I don't hear a peep. 178 00:09:01,363 --> 00:09:03,603 150, and I'll be like a mouse that hovers. 179 00:09:03,603 --> 00:09:04,923 Yeah, a hover mouse. 180 00:09:04,923 --> 00:09:07,243 You can't use that, I'm writing a children's book. 181 00:09:07,243 --> 00:09:09,643 £100, cash. 182 00:09:11,763 --> 00:09:15,003 The only noise you will hear from now on is the tippy-tappy 183 00:09:15,003 --> 00:09:16,803 of your porky little fingers. 184 00:09:23,203 --> 00:09:26,203 MUSIC: Le Responsable by Jacques Dutronc 185 00:09:31,203 --> 00:09:33,683 MUFFLED SCRAPING 186 00:09:44,643 --> 00:09:46,603 SCRATCHING 187 00:10:47,403 --> 00:10:48,723 HE SIGHS 188 00:10:51,603 --> 00:10:53,563 Oh, f...! 189 00:11:02,163 --> 00:11:03,443 HE EXHALES 190 00:11:06,683 --> 00:11:08,923 MEOWING Oh, hello, little fella. 191 00:11:10,763 --> 00:11:12,203 You look lost. 192 00:11:12,203 --> 00:11:13,683 CAT YOWLS 193 00:11:13,683 --> 00:11:15,683 MUFFLED YELLING 194 00:11:15,683 --> 00:11:16,723 Ruff! 195 00:11:19,043 --> 00:11:20,323 Argh! 196 00:11:29,483 --> 00:11:31,363 I've been trying, mate! 197 00:11:31,363 --> 00:11:32,763 You're bleeding. 198 00:11:32,763 --> 00:11:34,923 Yes, it's a shaving cut. 199 00:11:34,923 --> 00:11:36,403 You shave your forehead? 200 00:11:36,403 --> 00:11:39,923 Yes, I'm sorry, I've got a hairy forehead. 201 00:11:39,923 --> 00:11:41,843 I'm sorry about my frostiness. 202 00:11:41,843 --> 00:11:43,403 It's not you. 203 00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:45,323 I'm burned out, on empty. 204 00:11:45,323 --> 00:11:48,283 I've been trying to describe someone climbing some stairs 205 00:11:48,283 --> 00:11:49,723 for nearly four days. 206 00:11:49,723 --> 00:11:51,523 Four days? How big's the house? 207 00:11:51,523 --> 00:11:54,683 No, I've spent four days trying to find the right word. 208 00:11:54,683 --> 00:11:56,483 "Floating" is too ethereal, 209 00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:58,163 "hurrying" is too urgent. 210 00:11:58,163 --> 00:12:00,683 "He mastered the stairs" is too masculine, 211 00:12:00,683 --> 00:12:02,403 "trudging" too subservient. 212 00:12:02,403 --> 00:12:05,643 "His feet swallowed the stairs" is sexualised. 213 00:12:05,643 --> 00:12:08,443 I liked "he staired up" for a while, 214 00:12:08,443 --> 00:12:11,163 then I realised it's a nonsensical pun. 215 00:12:11,163 --> 00:12:15,243 The other characters are waiting for him at the top of the stairs, 216 00:12:15,243 --> 00:12:18,163 but I can't continue the story until I have the right word. 217 00:12:18,163 --> 00:12:21,243 It's a wolf in my mind, do you understand? 218 00:12:21,243 --> 00:12:24,043 A wolf that consumes my mind. 219 00:12:26,483 --> 00:12:27,683 Stumble? 220 00:12:42,483 --> 00:12:43,963 Graham Greene! 221 00:12:45,603 --> 00:12:47,163 Stumble, yeah? 222 00:12:47,163 --> 00:12:49,523 Ah, another part of the jigsaw of madness. 223 00:12:49,523 --> 00:12:50,683 HE CHUCKLES 224 00:12:50,683 --> 00:12:53,323 I should get you a beer to celebrate. 225 00:12:53,323 --> 00:12:55,563 No, no, I can't drink during the week. 226 00:12:55,563 --> 00:12:57,123 I've got a condition. 227 00:12:57,123 --> 00:12:58,843 It means once I start, I can't stop. 228 00:12:58,843 --> 00:13:00,083 Medical condition? 229 00:13:00,083 --> 00:13:02,003 Yeah, it's called, er... 230 00:13:02,003 --> 00:13:03,483 ..being an absolute legend. 231 00:13:05,483 --> 00:13:07,723 Oh. 232 00:13:07,723 --> 00:13:10,723 So, you are a crime scene cleaner? 233 00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:13,603 I am. And what does that involve? 234 00:13:13,603 --> 00:13:16,283 It's mainly delivering patio furniture. 235 00:13:16,283 --> 00:13:17,763 A joke. 236 00:13:17,763 --> 00:13:20,363 Yeah. Very good. Enjoyable. 237 00:13:20,363 --> 00:13:24,363 And what is this little cleaning agent? 238 00:13:24,363 --> 00:13:27,843 It's sodium hydroxide. It's for dissolving flesh. 239 00:13:30,683 --> 00:13:32,363 Eh! 240 00:13:32,363 --> 00:13:34,443 Two jokes, two sentences. 241 00:13:34,443 --> 00:13:36,003 Maybe I should become a writer. 242 00:13:36,003 --> 00:13:38,523 Don't. It's mental torture. 243 00:13:38,523 --> 00:13:39,803 Can I tell you something? 244 00:13:41,603 --> 00:13:45,003 I actually won a little writing award at school once. 245 00:13:45,003 --> 00:13:46,363 Go on. 246 00:13:46,363 --> 00:13:49,283 We had to come up with an advertising slogan for a product, 247 00:13:49,283 --> 00:13:51,083 and I got given cigarettes. 248 00:13:51,083 --> 00:13:54,203 Shows you how long ago it was, and... 249 00:13:54,203 --> 00:13:57,323 Oh...it doesn't matter. 250 00:13:57,323 --> 00:13:58,603 It was stupid. 251 00:13:58,603 --> 00:14:00,483 Please, I'm interested. 252 00:14:00,483 --> 00:14:01,843 It was just... 253 00:14:04,123 --> 00:14:06,283 "Fancy a fag? 254 00:14:06,283 --> 00:14:07,683 "Have a drag." 255 00:14:10,523 --> 00:14:12,003 Just simple. 256 00:14:21,083 --> 00:14:23,003 You can use it, if you want. 257 00:14:23,003 --> 00:14:24,843 No, I won't be using it. 258 00:14:24,843 --> 00:14:27,483 No? I was thinking he could use it when he gets 259 00:14:27,483 --> 00:14:29,123 to the top of the stairs. 260 00:14:29,123 --> 00:14:32,203 Everyone could say, "Oh, you look stressed. Fancy a fag?" 261 00:14:32,203 --> 00:14:34,683 "I'll have a drag." 262 00:14:34,683 --> 00:14:36,803 It's shit. 263 00:14:36,803 --> 00:14:39,643 It's the mindless utterance of a cleaner-to-be. 264 00:14:39,643 --> 00:14:41,483 I'm a crime scene cleaner. 265 00:14:41,483 --> 00:14:44,283 Yes, yes. "Pass in horror," etc, etc. 266 00:14:44,283 --> 00:14:45,403 HE SIGHS 267 00:14:46,603 --> 00:14:49,603 Look, can I ask you something? A serious question. 268 00:14:49,603 --> 00:14:51,443 Quickly, please. 269 00:14:51,443 --> 00:14:53,443 Why aren't you upset about your gran? 270 00:14:53,443 --> 00:14:55,203 What makes you think I'm not upset? 271 00:14:55,203 --> 00:14:58,443 Well, normally, people are affected by a loss. 272 00:14:58,443 --> 00:15:00,003 They show it in some way. 273 00:15:00,003 --> 00:15:01,483 What about your nan? 274 00:15:01,483 --> 00:15:04,363 She was an extraordinary woman, and her loss, a fire in my soul. 275 00:15:04,363 --> 00:15:06,643 Tell your face. Tell my face what? 276 00:15:06,643 --> 00:15:09,123 Normally, people...cry? 277 00:15:09,123 --> 00:15:11,523 I can't afford to cry. 278 00:15:11,523 --> 00:15:15,043 Look, I could break down now, in front of you, rivers of tears, 279 00:15:15,043 --> 00:15:17,403 and fall into your arms - and then, what? 280 00:15:17,403 --> 00:15:19,883 Well, then you'd feel better. I'm a great cuddle. 281 00:15:19,883 --> 00:15:22,323 Look, I've got lovely, big mum tits. Come on. 282 00:15:22,323 --> 00:15:24,283 Oh, God! Come on. 283 00:15:24,283 --> 00:15:28,083 But then, all the emotion would be used up, wasted. 284 00:15:28,083 --> 00:15:29,643 My grandmother would be buried, 285 00:15:29,643 --> 00:15:32,483 and I'd sit down to try and describe the pain, 286 00:15:32,483 --> 00:15:34,363 and there'd be nothing left. 287 00:15:34,363 --> 00:15:38,843 You can't use everything that you go through in life for a book! 288 00:15:38,843 --> 00:15:41,563 Sometimes, you've just got to...be. 289 00:15:41,563 --> 00:15:43,683 I think my grandmother deserves more than 290 00:15:43,683 --> 00:15:45,723 a spontaneous howl of anguish. 291 00:15:45,723 --> 00:15:48,563 She deserves a novella, at least. 292 00:15:48,563 --> 00:15:50,643 So, I shall push it down. 293 00:15:50,643 --> 00:15:53,443 I either cry, or I write. 294 00:15:53,443 --> 00:15:55,043 Hm. 295 00:15:55,043 --> 00:15:57,323 Well, doesn't sound very healthy to me. 296 00:15:57,323 --> 00:16:02,283 It isn't, but I've been published in 28 countries, whereas you, 297 00:16:02,283 --> 00:16:04,843 when you "fancy a fag, have a drag". 298 00:16:04,843 --> 00:16:07,763 Well, if I have to push everything down to become a writer, 299 00:16:07,763 --> 00:16:09,403 I'll stick to cleaning up blood. 300 00:16:09,403 --> 00:16:12,563 One must be consumed by what one does. 301 00:16:12,563 --> 00:16:16,043 Dylan Thomas makes an interesting point about it, actually. 302 00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:18,523 Oh, right, well, there's no need to find it. I believe you. 303 00:16:18,523 --> 00:16:20,443 No, it's an interesting passage. I'll... 304 00:16:20,443 --> 00:16:21,963 Yeah, I don't want to see it. 305 00:16:21,963 --> 00:16:24,683 It's relevant to our discussion. But I'm not interested. 306 00:16:24,683 --> 00:16:26,163 Leave it! 307 00:16:27,603 --> 00:16:30,163 I hate this book. I despise it. 308 00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:31,283 Have you read it? 309 00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:33,163 Yes, of course I've read it. 310 00:16:33,163 --> 00:16:35,123 He's the worst writer to come out of... 311 00:16:37,923 --> 00:16:39,843 Wales? Yes, Wales! 312 00:16:39,843 --> 00:16:42,323 "Oh, I've got a doll with a big, tall hat 313 00:16:42,323 --> 00:16:44,083 "and a house full of spoons." 314 00:16:44,083 --> 00:16:45,883 Wales! Get over yourselves! 315 00:16:45,883 --> 00:16:48,563 He's one of the 20th century's greatest writers. 316 00:16:48,563 --> 00:16:50,163 I hate his writing. 317 00:16:50,163 --> 00:16:52,523 His writing makes my balls go up inside myself. 318 00:16:52,523 --> 00:16:54,723 You don't like his style? 319 00:16:54,723 --> 00:16:56,523 What don't you like about it? 320 00:16:56,523 --> 00:16:58,963 Well, it's so... 321 00:17:01,243 --> 00:17:03,163 ...pecky, isn't it? 322 00:17:03,163 --> 00:17:06,203 Pecky? Yes, pecky. Isn't it? 323 00:17:06,203 --> 00:17:09,883 "Oh, I'm Dylan Thomas. Oh, look at my words. Peck, peck, peck." 324 00:17:09,883 --> 00:17:11,963 So, pecky in terms of the sharp... 325 00:17:11,963 --> 00:17:15,363 Sharp... ..disjointed nature of the prose. ..nature of the prose. 326 00:17:15,363 --> 00:17:19,043 So, you feel that by jumping from image to juxtaposed image, 327 00:17:19,043 --> 00:17:20,923 we never really emotionally engage. 328 00:17:20,923 --> 00:17:24,043 Exactly. The guy's a prick. Oh. 329 00:17:27,243 --> 00:17:28,763 Aah! 330 00:17:28,763 --> 00:17:30,763 You holding your emotions in again? 331 00:17:30,763 --> 00:17:35,203 The pain I just felt will flow across the next page. 332 00:17:35,203 --> 00:17:37,523 Well, as long as it doesn't peck across it, eh? 333 00:17:37,523 --> 00:17:40,123 No, not like that prick Dylan Thomas. 334 00:17:40,123 --> 00:17:43,723 We make a pretty good team, eh, you and me? 335 00:17:43,723 --> 00:17:45,003 Meh. 336 00:17:45,003 --> 00:17:46,523 DOORBELL RINGS 337 00:17:50,483 --> 00:17:52,043 MEOWING 338 00:17:54,083 --> 00:17:56,243 KISSES HIS LIPS 339 00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,283 Pip-yup! 340 00:17:59,123 --> 00:18:00,923 Terence Redford? Yes. 341 00:18:00,923 --> 00:18:03,283 We come with news. I'm very busy. 342 00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:06,683 We know you must be consumed with your next masterpiece, 343 00:18:06,683 --> 00:18:09,363 but we bring news of an important award. 344 00:18:09,363 --> 00:18:11,243 An award? For one of my...? 345 00:18:11,243 --> 00:18:13,683 Slow The Seconds To Midnight has been nominated 346 00:18:13,683 --> 00:18:15,443 in the Best Novel category. 347 00:18:15,443 --> 00:18:18,443 My sources have led me to believe that you are in 348 00:18:18,443 --> 00:18:20,523 a very favourable position. 349 00:18:20,523 --> 00:18:22,083 Goodness! 350 00:18:22,083 --> 00:18:24,563 And what is the award, may I ask? 351 00:18:24,563 --> 00:18:26,643 A very important one. Which one? 352 00:18:28,243 --> 00:18:30,843 I am not at liberty to say. 353 00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,443 I see. 354 00:18:32,443 --> 00:18:33,763 Would you wait there? 355 00:18:38,803 --> 00:18:41,123 WHISPERS: Come here, you manky little stray. 356 00:18:44,203 --> 00:18:45,443 Oi! 357 00:18:45,443 --> 00:18:46,523 CAT MEOWS 358 00:18:46,523 --> 00:18:47,603 No! 359 00:18:47,603 --> 00:18:50,203 MUFFLED WINCING AND YOWLING 360 00:18:52,683 --> 00:18:53,723 Dickhead! 361 00:18:56,523 --> 00:18:58,083 Ah! 362 00:18:58,083 --> 00:19:00,523 Oh! Is that a first edition? 363 00:19:00,523 --> 00:19:02,963 It is indeed. 364 00:19:02,963 --> 00:19:05,323 Would it be impertinent to ask for a signature? 365 00:19:05,323 --> 00:19:06,603 Not at all. 366 00:19:10,443 --> 00:19:11,963 HE SIGHS 367 00:19:15,323 --> 00:19:17,323 Ooh! Are you entertaining? 368 00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:19,803 Yes, yes. And what are your names, please? 369 00:19:19,803 --> 00:19:22,483 I am Mrs Gathernoid, and this is Miss Chant. 370 00:19:22,483 --> 00:19:23,963 Barbara Chant! 371 00:19:28,483 --> 00:19:30,683 "To the small woman and the big woman. 372 00:19:30,683 --> 00:19:33,243 "Your lies are a disease that will eat you." 373 00:19:33,243 --> 00:19:35,443 You are not from an award committee, 374 00:19:35,443 --> 00:19:37,003 you are desperate groupies, 375 00:19:37,003 --> 00:19:40,963 and if you waste another second of my time, I will destroy you! 376 00:19:40,963 --> 00:19:43,243 Now, get back on the train to... 377 00:19:43,243 --> 00:19:45,803 Gloucester. Of course, Gloucester! 378 00:19:45,803 --> 00:19:49,683 A rock which, when lifted, is teeming with roaches. 379 00:19:58,763 --> 00:20:00,363 That was your fault. 380 00:20:08,163 --> 00:20:09,563 How dare they! 381 00:20:09,563 --> 00:20:12,083 How dare they use my longing for recognition 382 00:20:12,083 --> 00:20:13,763 to their own foul ends! 383 00:20:13,763 --> 00:20:15,603 They know I crave the Booker, 384 00:20:15,603 --> 00:20:18,123 they know the Sunday Times are blind to me. 385 00:20:18,123 --> 00:20:19,803 Every week, they come, 386 00:20:19,803 --> 00:20:22,563 the zombie army of lonely housewives. 387 00:20:22,563 --> 00:20:25,403 Well, damn you, wretched sows. 388 00:20:25,403 --> 00:20:28,843 You've just made the female protagonist get lost at sea, 389 00:20:28,843 --> 00:20:30,723 never to return. 390 00:20:30,723 --> 00:20:32,403 Hairy nose, as well? 391 00:21:11,203 --> 00:21:13,763 Well, you didn't push your feelings down very well 392 00:21:13,763 --> 00:21:15,003 with them, did you? 393 00:21:15,003 --> 00:21:18,283 Because they took advantage of a writer's greatest fear. 394 00:21:18,283 --> 00:21:19,963 It's about leaving a mark, 395 00:21:19,963 --> 00:21:22,283 leaving evidence that you existed. 396 00:21:22,283 --> 00:21:23,923 Well, the books do that, don't they? 397 00:21:23,923 --> 00:21:27,283 An award will bring more people to my books. 398 00:21:27,283 --> 00:21:29,403 I'll cast a longer shadow. 399 00:21:29,403 --> 00:21:31,083 Don't you understand? 400 00:21:31,083 --> 00:21:33,323 No, not really. 401 00:21:33,323 --> 00:21:35,443 Mind you, I suppose if I do my job properly, 402 00:21:35,443 --> 00:21:37,723 then I don't leave a trace behind me. 403 00:21:37,723 --> 00:21:39,363 It's like I never existed. 404 00:21:39,363 --> 00:21:40,803 And that doesn't bother you? 405 00:21:40,803 --> 00:21:43,643 No. What do I care what people think when I'm gone? 406 00:21:43,643 --> 00:21:45,003 I'll be dead. 407 00:21:45,003 --> 00:21:47,923 But you could live on in people's minds. 408 00:21:47,923 --> 00:21:50,643 Well, that's like someone buying a pint for me 409 00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:52,363 just before I have a heart attack. 410 00:21:52,363 --> 00:21:54,443 I don't get to enjoy the pint. 411 00:21:54,443 --> 00:21:55,763 And if there is a Heaven, 412 00:21:55,763 --> 00:21:58,083 I'll be looking down, watching someone drink my pint, 413 00:21:58,083 --> 00:22:00,123 and I won't like that, I'll be jealous, 414 00:22:00,123 --> 00:22:01,883 because I love a pint. 415 00:22:01,883 --> 00:22:04,963 If you had one hour left to live, what would you do? 416 00:22:04,963 --> 00:22:07,963 Look, we do this stuff down at the pub all the time, 417 00:22:07,963 --> 00:22:10,163 and I'm not particularly proud of my answer, 418 00:22:10,163 --> 00:22:11,603 but I tell the truth - 419 00:22:11,603 --> 00:22:14,283 I would enjoy going round the ladies' changing room, 420 00:22:14,283 --> 00:22:17,403 and I would enjoy watching them try their bras on. 421 00:22:17,403 --> 00:22:19,723 What? 422 00:22:19,723 --> 00:22:22,083 No, that's not "hour to live", 423 00:22:22,083 --> 00:22:24,443 that's "invisible for the day", isn't it? 424 00:22:24,443 --> 00:22:27,603 No, come on, you've got one hour left. 425 00:22:27,603 --> 00:22:29,323 HE SIGHS I don't know. 426 00:22:31,203 --> 00:22:33,003 I suppose I'd write to my ex. 427 00:22:33,003 --> 00:22:35,483 What does it matter what your ex thinks? 428 00:22:35,483 --> 00:22:36,923 You'll be dead. 429 00:22:36,923 --> 00:22:39,043 Not while I'm writing that letter, I won't be, 430 00:22:39,043 --> 00:22:41,763 and there's a few things I'll enjoy getting off my chest. 431 00:22:41,763 --> 00:22:44,883 "Oh, didn't like the way I used to load the dishwasher? 432 00:22:44,883 --> 00:22:47,403 "Well, your sister's racist." 433 00:22:47,403 --> 00:22:48,723 Jesus! 434 00:23:11,363 --> 00:23:13,363 HE TYPES 435 00:23:26,963 --> 00:23:29,163 You writing about me? 436 00:23:29,163 --> 00:23:30,523 What do you care? 437 00:23:30,523 --> 00:23:32,483 Well, I don't know what you're saying! 438 00:23:32,483 --> 00:23:34,483 You're happy to disappear once you've died, 439 00:23:34,483 --> 00:23:35,723 so don't worry about it. 440 00:23:38,603 --> 00:23:40,763 "I observed the gargantuan pot-bellied man 441 00:23:40,763 --> 00:23:42,243 "going about his business." 442 00:23:42,243 --> 00:23:44,323 HE GASPS 443 00:23:44,323 --> 00:23:45,563 And that's me, is it? 444 00:23:46,643 --> 00:23:49,723 Well... Well, it's not going to be a best-seller, is it, mate? 445 00:23:49,723 --> 00:23:52,523 The most mundane of activities can be made interesting 446 00:23:52,523 --> 00:23:54,163 in the right context. 447 00:23:54,163 --> 00:23:56,083 Mundane? Yes. 448 00:23:56,083 --> 00:23:58,563 Tedious, inconsequential, dull. 449 00:23:58,563 --> 00:24:00,963 Let me tell you some interesting stories. 450 00:24:00,963 --> 00:24:03,323 No, you just carry on. Act like I'm not here. 451 00:24:03,323 --> 00:24:05,243 I will capture the truth. 452 00:24:05,243 --> 00:24:06,523 HE TYPES 453 00:24:06,523 --> 00:24:08,403 How many books did you sell last time? 454 00:24:08,403 --> 00:24:09,883 Just shy of 100,000. 455 00:24:11,483 --> 00:24:13,243 I'll get some interesting things. 456 00:24:19,203 --> 00:24:21,323 There's some good stuff here, straight away. 457 00:24:21,323 --> 00:24:24,483 Straight away. Ooh... Now, this is daptrozone. 458 00:24:24,483 --> 00:24:27,523 That's for separating blood and plasma. 459 00:24:27,523 --> 00:24:29,923 You could... 460 00:24:29,923 --> 00:24:33,243 And this, the bad bin. 461 00:24:33,243 --> 00:24:35,043 It's for severed body parts. 462 00:24:35,043 --> 00:24:37,523 Come on, mate, it's a finger bin! 463 00:24:37,523 --> 00:24:38,963 Not my genre. 464 00:24:38,963 --> 00:24:40,483 I've got good stories. 465 00:24:40,483 --> 00:24:43,603 Last year, I got called out to a job, I had to take away a man - 466 00:24:43,603 --> 00:24:45,723 a chimp had had his legs away. 467 00:24:45,723 --> 00:24:48,163 I thought you weren't bothered about being remembered. 468 00:24:48,163 --> 00:24:51,003 Well, I'm not, but I'm not having those arseholes down the pub 469 00:24:51,003 --> 00:24:54,283 read a book with a boring character and know it's me. 470 00:24:54,283 --> 00:24:55,523 What's that? 471 00:24:57,603 --> 00:24:59,203 That's my lunch. 472 00:24:59,203 --> 00:25:01,043 May I? Yeah. 473 00:25:09,203 --> 00:25:10,763 What is it? 474 00:25:10,763 --> 00:25:12,283 It's a sausage sarnie. 475 00:25:12,283 --> 00:25:14,243 Well, half of one. 476 00:25:17,443 --> 00:25:18,963 And then, this? 477 00:25:20,883 --> 00:25:22,283 Brown sauce. 478 00:25:23,643 --> 00:25:26,123 No salad? 479 00:25:26,123 --> 00:25:28,003 Who puts salad on a sausage sandwich? 480 00:25:31,043 --> 00:25:33,123 What, you're writing about my sandwich? 481 00:25:33,123 --> 00:25:34,403 Mm-hm. 482 00:25:34,403 --> 00:25:36,803 So, I've spent all day listening to your madness, 483 00:25:36,803 --> 00:25:38,523 and cleaning up your grandmother, 484 00:25:38,523 --> 00:25:40,643 and you're writing about my sandwich? 485 00:25:40,643 --> 00:25:42,203 It's the perfect metaphor. 486 00:25:42,203 --> 00:25:44,923 It is both dead and alive simultaneously. 487 00:25:44,923 --> 00:25:47,203 But have you put it's Wicky's sandwich? 488 00:25:47,203 --> 00:25:49,963 No, it is a sausage sandwich lost in time. 489 00:25:49,963 --> 00:25:51,403 It's MY sandwich! 490 00:25:51,403 --> 00:25:53,523 You don't care if anyone remembers you. 491 00:25:53,523 --> 00:25:55,083 You don't seek meaning. 492 00:25:55,083 --> 00:25:57,003 It is the universe's sandwich. 493 00:25:57,003 --> 00:25:58,403 Oh, yeah? 494 00:26:02,163 --> 00:26:03,723 It's my sandwich. 495 00:26:03,723 --> 00:26:05,163 Please! 496 00:26:05,163 --> 00:26:07,283 MUFFLED RETORT 497 00:26:11,723 --> 00:26:13,843 TYPING 498 00:26:19,723 --> 00:26:22,963 The fog will have gone in about two hours, and so will I. 499 00:26:22,963 --> 00:26:24,443 Well, thank you. 500 00:26:24,443 --> 00:26:26,803 You're not welcome. 501 00:26:26,803 --> 00:26:30,283 I don't want you to accuse me of using cliches, do I? 502 00:26:32,683 --> 00:26:34,363 Well, goodbye. 503 00:26:34,363 --> 00:26:36,403 My publisher awaits. Terence? 504 00:26:39,003 --> 00:26:41,763 I haven't read anything by Dylan Thomas. 505 00:26:41,763 --> 00:26:43,083 I wouldn't bother. 506 00:26:43,083 --> 00:26:44,483 He's very pecky. 507 00:26:46,723 --> 00:26:48,683 I know you must think me strange, 508 00:26:48,683 --> 00:26:50,243 but I want you to know, 509 00:26:50,243 --> 00:26:53,243 one cannot always control one's grief. 510 00:26:53,243 --> 00:26:55,363 Recently, I cried for a week. 511 00:26:55,363 --> 00:26:56,883 Why? 512 00:26:56,883 --> 00:26:59,323 It sounds silly, but... 513 00:26:59,323 --> 00:27:00,843 ..my cat ran away. 514 00:27:02,763 --> 00:27:07,363 I grieve for my cat, but for my grandmother... 515 00:27:07,363 --> 00:27:08,883 You'll find a way. 516 00:27:24,403 --> 00:27:25,803 "My grandmother was 517 00:27:25,803 --> 00:27:29,043 "the most beautiful woman in the world. 518 00:27:29,043 --> 00:27:31,723 "She stood in the small, wood-panelled kitchen 519 00:27:31,723 --> 00:27:35,603 "of her farmhouse, cooking sausages for my sandwich. 520 00:27:37,763 --> 00:27:41,363 "'What is a sausage, Gran?' I asked. 521 00:27:41,363 --> 00:27:44,803 "She smiled and ruffled my hair. 522 00:27:44,803 --> 00:27:48,683 "'Just eat, my love. Just eat.'"