1
00:00:48,963 --> 00:00:50,403
No, thank you.

2
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:58,003
All right?

3
00:00:58,003 --> 00:01:00,003
My nerves are frayed.

4
00:01:00,003 --> 00:01:01,323
Are you Mr Redford?

5
00:01:01,323 --> 00:01:04,563
I'm deaf, I'm mute, my synapses
are firing out of control,

6
00:01:04,563 --> 00:01:06,683
I can't think
a single clear thought.

7
00:01:06,683 --> 00:01:09,363
I'm trying so hard to concentrate,
but every five minutes,

8
00:01:09,363 --> 00:01:11,403
someone crashes into my space.

9
00:01:11,403 --> 00:01:13,243
If I don't accomplish
something today,

10
00:01:13,243 --> 00:01:16,163
I shall not be responsible
for my actions.

11
00:01:16,163 --> 00:01:17,483
Are you Mr Redford?

12
00:01:17,483 --> 00:01:20,083
Mr Redford does not exist
without his work.

13
00:01:20,083 --> 00:01:21,843
Why can't anyone understand that?

14
00:01:24,683 --> 00:01:26,443
There, a signed first edition.

15
00:01:26,443 --> 00:01:27,763
You have what you came for.

16
00:01:27,763 --> 00:01:29,763
Now, I beg you, leave me alone.

17
00:01:29,763 --> 00:01:30,963
I beg you!

18
00:01:36,643 --> 00:01:38,243
There's a spelling mistake on this.

19
00:01:38,243 --> 00:01:40,323
What? Impossible! You lie.

20
00:01:40,323 --> 00:01:42,323
Yeah. I just wanted you
to keep the door open.

21
00:01:42,323 --> 00:01:44,803
You are a... Na-na-na!

22
00:01:44,803 --> 00:01:46,603
Has someone died here? Yes.

23
00:01:46,603 --> 00:01:48,443
Then you're going to want
to invite me in.

24
00:01:48,443 --> 00:01:49,803
Ah, so you're the cleaner.

25
00:01:49,803 --> 00:01:52,443
No. I am the crime scene cleaner.

26
00:01:52,443 --> 00:01:54,123
Big difference. Huge.

27
00:01:54,123 --> 00:01:56,523
My work starts where
others pass in horror.

28
00:01:56,523 --> 00:01:59,483
A tired cliche, that I'm sure
you've used a thousand times.

29
00:02:00,483 --> 00:02:02,163
I hate your beard.

30
00:02:02,163 --> 00:02:04,763
What? Yeah, that's not
a tired cliche, is it?

31
00:02:04,763 --> 00:02:06,483
Now, would you like
to invite me in?

32
00:02:06,483 --> 00:02:08,043
Now is not a good time.

33
00:02:09,283 --> 00:02:11,363
Right.

34
00:02:11,363 --> 00:02:15,963
OK, well, you'll have to sign this
to say you don't need my services.

35
00:02:15,963 --> 00:02:18,163
And if you've got blood and
human remains in there,

36
00:02:18,163 --> 00:02:19,923
you might want to
clean them up quickly,

37
00:02:19,923 --> 00:02:22,723
or you're going to have some
unwanted housemates. Bye.

38
00:02:23,803 --> 00:02:26,563
Wait! what unwanted housemates?

39
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:27,803
Bacteria.

40
00:02:27,803 --> 00:02:29,243
Oh, bacteria.

41
00:02:29,243 --> 00:02:31,683
The rats. Rats? Yes, rats!

42
00:02:31,683 --> 00:02:34,043
A real vermin house party. Enjoy.

43
00:02:34,043 --> 00:02:35,843
All right, y-you may come in.

44
00:02:35,843 --> 00:02:38,283
No. No, you're all right.
You've signed this now.

45
00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:41,683
I...think I'll go and
have a lovely beer.

46
00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:44,563
Please! I-I don't want
a vermin house party.

47
00:02:44,563 --> 00:02:46,003
I have a deadline.

48
00:02:46,003 --> 00:02:47,923
Oh, dear.

49
00:02:47,923 --> 00:02:51,483
£20. I'll give you £20 for beer.

50
00:02:51,483 --> 00:02:53,443
I don't even like beer.

51
00:02:56,603 --> 00:02:58,883
I do like beer. Go on.

52
00:02:58,883 --> 00:02:59,963
Come on, then.

53
00:03:11,123 --> 00:03:12,683
I shall be working in here.

54
00:03:12,683 --> 00:03:15,563
Please do not enter at
any point, for any reason.

55
00:03:15,563 --> 00:03:18,723
There. As you can see,
the blood is extensive.

56
00:03:18,723 --> 00:03:21,763
I've covered it with brown paper
because it's a little visceral.

57
00:03:21,763 --> 00:03:23,963
It's a little...?
It is triggering.

58
00:03:23,963 --> 00:03:26,363
Everyone's getting triggered
these days, aren't they?

59
00:03:26,363 --> 00:03:28,243
Lot of triggering going on.

60
00:03:28,243 --> 00:03:30,643
No?

61
00:03:30,643 --> 00:03:32,643
Not a lot of him left. Her.

62
00:03:32,643 --> 00:03:34,843
Oh. What, er...?

63
00:03:34,843 --> 00:03:37,643
Some kind of explosion,
sending shrapnel everywhere.

64
00:03:37,643 --> 00:03:40,803
That wood-burner is connected
to the heating system.

65
00:03:40,803 --> 00:03:44,203
They think a malfunction
caused a gas backdraught,

66
00:03:44,203 --> 00:03:47,083
simultaneously slicing and
incinerating the victim.

67
00:03:47,083 --> 00:03:50,203
Essentially, she burnt to death
because she was too old to escape.

68
00:03:50,203 --> 00:03:52,403
Horrific.

69
00:03:52,403 --> 00:03:53,803
Can't even imagine.

70
00:03:53,803 --> 00:03:55,883
You're a cleaner,
you're not paid to imagine.

71
00:03:55,883 --> 00:03:57,443
Hey, we can imagine!

72
00:03:57,443 --> 00:03:58,683
Go on, then.

73
00:04:02,003 --> 00:04:03,403
A moon.

74
00:04:05,803 --> 00:04:08,043
OK, well,
now the heating isn't working,

75
00:04:08,043 --> 00:04:10,643
and I'm writing a novel set
during a Provencal summer.

76
00:04:10,643 --> 00:04:12,403
I'm freezing. I'm in hell.

77
00:04:12,403 --> 00:04:14,443
Right. Were you here
when it happened?

78
00:04:14,443 --> 00:04:16,483
Thankfully no,
I was at a reading.

79
00:04:16,483 --> 00:04:19,843
The idea that my friend's
shit poetry saved my life...

80
00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:22,603
Well, the irony is not lost.

81
00:04:22,603 --> 00:04:26,043
And now, if you'll excuse me,
I must return to Provence.

82
00:04:26,043 --> 00:04:27,803
I've got a question.

83
00:04:27,803 --> 00:04:29,083
Yes?

84
00:04:29,083 --> 00:04:31,083
Who was it? Who was what?

85
00:04:31,083 --> 00:04:32,403
Who was that?

86
00:04:32,403 --> 00:04:34,003
Oh. My grandmother.

87
00:04:34,003 --> 00:04:35,563
Oh!

88
00:04:35,563 --> 00:04:37,603
OK, well, I'll...

89
00:04:37,603 --> 00:04:39,163
Good.

90
00:04:39,163 --> 00:04:40,403
And, you know...

91
00:04:42,083 --> 00:04:44,243
I'm sorry. What for?

92
00:04:46,483 --> 00:04:47,563
For your loss.

93
00:04:47,563 --> 00:04:50,003
Why are you sorry?
Did you kill her?

94
00:04:50,003 --> 00:04:52,043
I was just being polite, mate.

95
00:04:52,043 --> 00:04:53,963
It's another worn-out cliche.

96
00:04:53,963 --> 00:04:56,243
You're not sorry.
You didn't know my grandmother.

97
00:04:56,243 --> 00:04:58,243
Why would you be sorry
that she's dead?

98
00:04:58,243 --> 00:05:01,163
It's a bastardisation
of the language.

99
00:05:01,163 --> 00:05:04,123
You're right.
I couldn't care less she's dead.

100
00:05:04,123 --> 00:05:06,083
There! Now, doesn't
that feel fresher?

101
00:05:06,083 --> 00:05:07,723
The clean air of honesty!

102
00:05:07,723 --> 00:05:09,283
I'm glad she's dead!

103
00:05:09,283 --> 00:05:11,363
Why would you be glad?
I got carried away, it's...

104
00:05:11,363 --> 00:05:12,763
You are indifferent.

105
00:05:12,763 --> 00:05:14,403
You didn't know my grandmother.

106
00:05:14,403 --> 00:05:17,163
You are indifferent to
her life and death.

107
00:05:17,163 --> 00:05:18,523
That is proper.

108
00:05:19,723 --> 00:05:21,243
Sorry.

109
00:05:21,243 --> 00:05:25,283
About saying I'm glad,
not about her death.

110
00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:27,203
About which you are...?

111
00:05:28,483 --> 00:05:30,003
Indifferent?

112
00:05:37,043 --> 00:05:38,563
Dick. I can hear you.

113
00:05:38,563 --> 00:05:40,123
Sorry.

114
00:05:40,123 --> 00:05:41,803
But not about your dead nan.

115
00:06:30,443 --> 00:06:32,203
I must have quiet.

116
00:06:34,403 --> 00:06:35,963
I've got to move the paper.

117
00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:38,083
Well, move it silently.

118
00:06:38,083 --> 00:06:40,323
It's paper. It scrunches.

119
00:06:40,323 --> 00:06:42,683
It's sort of known
for its scrunchiness.

120
00:06:51,803 --> 00:06:54,523
It's going to take ages
to clear the area like that.

121
00:06:54,523 --> 00:06:56,803
I'll scrunch it all at once.
I'll speed scrunch.

122
00:06:56,803 --> 00:06:59,123
I can't work next to scrunching,

123
00:06:59,123 --> 00:07:00,963
regardless of the scrunch rate.

124
00:07:00,963 --> 00:07:02,483
Well, I don't like tippy-tappy.

125
00:07:02,483 --> 00:07:04,483
Tippy-tappy doesn't
affect your work!

126
00:07:04,483 --> 00:07:06,403
Scrunching affects mine.

127
00:07:06,403 --> 00:07:08,763
The fact that I'm using words
like "tippy-tappy"

128
00:07:08,763 --> 00:07:10,363
and "scrunch rate" proves it.

129
00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:12,883
You've reduced my vocabulary
to yours!

130
00:07:12,883 --> 00:07:15,123
Please, I beg you,
I must have quiet.

131
00:07:16,283 --> 00:07:18,763
Fine.

132
00:07:18,763 --> 00:07:20,803
But I know words you don't know.

133
00:07:20,803 --> 00:07:23,763
I very much doubt it,
with the greatest of respect.

134
00:07:23,763 --> 00:07:25,283
Crackletranton. What?

135
00:07:25,283 --> 00:07:27,043
Yeah, you don't know
that word, do you?

136
00:07:27,043 --> 00:07:28,443
You've clearly made it up.

137
00:07:28,443 --> 00:07:31,243
Perhaps I did make it up -
but you didn't know it, did you?

138
00:07:37,283 --> 00:07:39,443
Yeah, yeah, I'm here.

139
00:07:39,443 --> 00:07:41,443
What's it like?
It's a crackletranton.

140
00:07:43,283 --> 00:07:46,243
OK, you want to dance?
Let's dance!

141
00:07:46,243 --> 00:07:48,403
My synapses are on fire.

142
00:07:48,403 --> 00:07:50,643
I am on the verge of writer's block.

143
00:07:50,643 --> 00:07:53,603
I don't suppose there's an
equivalent in the world of cleaning,

144
00:07:53,603 --> 00:07:57,323
so let me try and put it to you
in such a way as you understand.

145
00:07:57,323 --> 00:07:59,523
If I don't finish
this chapter today,

146
00:07:59,523 --> 00:08:01,083
I will kill myself.

147
00:08:01,083 --> 00:08:02,843
Does that make you understand?

148
00:08:02,843 --> 00:08:05,283
I will snuff out my life force,

149
00:08:05,283 --> 00:08:06,563
then you'll have a death

150
00:08:06,563 --> 00:08:09,243
that you can legitimately
tell people you're sorry about,

151
00:08:09,243 --> 00:08:11,043
because you caused it!

152
00:08:11,043 --> 00:08:13,643
All you have to do is clean,

153
00:08:13,643 --> 00:08:17,243
and all I ask of you,
within that most basic of tasks,

154
00:08:17,243 --> 00:08:19,363
is that you clean quietly!

155
00:08:19,363 --> 00:08:21,243
Do you understand?!

156
00:08:22,403 --> 00:08:23,723
Yes.

157
00:08:23,723 --> 00:08:25,003
Yes, I fully understand.

158
00:08:38,963 --> 00:08:42,363
This? Aw... I've got cleaner's block.

159
00:08:42,363 --> 00:08:43,723
You son of a bitch!

160
00:08:43,723 --> 00:08:45,723
Yeah. It's a very serious condition.

161
00:08:45,723 --> 00:08:47,043
I could be here for months,

162
00:08:47,043 --> 00:08:49,123
if I don't decide
to use the vacuum cleaner

163
00:08:49,123 --> 00:08:50,883
to hoover away my life force.

164
00:08:50,883 --> 00:08:53,843
It's money, is it? That's what
talks to you people, isn't it?

165
00:08:53,843 --> 00:08:55,283
Hard cash.

166
00:08:55,283 --> 00:08:57,883
20 not enough to guzzle away?

167
00:08:57,883 --> 00:09:00,283
£50...if I don't hear a peep.

168
00:09:01,363 --> 00:09:03,603
150, and I'll be like
a mouse that hovers.

169
00:09:03,603 --> 00:09:04,923
Yeah, a hover mouse.

170
00:09:04,923 --> 00:09:07,243
You can't use that,
I'm writing a children's book.

171
00:09:07,243 --> 00:09:09,643
£100, cash.

172
00:09:11,763 --> 00:09:15,003
The only noise you will hear
from now on is the tippy-tappy

173
00:09:15,003 --> 00:09:16,803
of your porky little fingers.

174
00:09:23,203 --> 00:09:26,203
Le Responsable
by Jacques Dutronc

175
00:10:51,603 --> 00:10:53,563
Oh, f...!

176
00:11:06,683 --> 00:11:08,923
Oh, hello, little fella.

177
00:11:10,763 --> 00:11:12,203
You look lost.

178
00:11:15,683 --> 00:11:16,723
Ruff!

179
00:11:19,043 --> 00:11:20,323
Argh!

180
00:11:29,483 --> 00:11:31,363
I've been trying, mate!

181
00:11:31,363 --> 00:11:32,763
You're bleeding.

182
00:11:32,763 --> 00:11:34,923
Yes, it's a shaving cut.

183
00:11:34,923 --> 00:11:36,403
You shave your forehead?

184
00:11:36,403 --> 00:11:39,923
Yes, I'm sorry,
I've got a hairy forehead.

185
00:11:39,923 --> 00:11:41,843
I'm sorry about my frostiness.

186
00:11:41,843 --> 00:11:43,403
It's not you.

187
00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:45,323
I'm burned out, on empty.

188
00:11:45,323 --> 00:11:48,283
I've been trying to describe
someone climbing some stairs

189
00:11:48,283 --> 00:11:49,723
for nearly four days.

190
00:11:49,723 --> 00:11:51,523
Four days? How big's the house?

191
00:11:51,523 --> 00:11:54,683
No, I've spent four days
trying to find the right word.

192
00:11:54,683 --> 00:11:56,483
"Floating" is too ethereal,

193
00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:58,163
"hurrying" is too urgent.

194
00:11:58,163 --> 00:12:00,683
"He mastered the stairs"
is too masculine,

195
00:12:00,683 --> 00:12:02,403
"trudging" too subservient.

196
00:12:02,403 --> 00:12:05,643
"His feet swallowed the stairs"
is sexualised.

197
00:12:05,643 --> 00:12:08,443
I liked "he staired up"
for a while,

198
00:12:08,443 --> 00:12:11,163
then I realised
it's a nonsensical pun.

199
00:12:11,163 --> 00:12:15,243
The other characters are waiting
for him at the top of the stairs,

200
00:12:15,243 --> 00:12:18,163
but I can't continue the story
until I have the right word.

201
00:12:18,163 --> 00:12:21,243
It's a wolf in my mind,
do you understand?

202
00:12:21,243 --> 00:12:24,043
A wolf that consumes my mind.

203
00:12:26,483 --> 00:12:27,683
Stumble?

204
00:12:42,483 --> 00:12:43,963
Graham Greene!

205
00:12:45,603 --> 00:12:47,163
Stumble, yeah?

206
00:12:47,163 --> 00:12:49,523
Ah, another part
of the jigsaw of madness.

207
00:12:50,683 --> 00:12:53,323
I should get you
a beer to celebrate.

208
00:12:53,323 --> 00:12:55,563
No, no, I can't drink
during the week.

209
00:12:55,563 --> 00:12:57,123
I've got a condition.

210
00:12:57,123 --> 00:12:58,843
It means once I start, I can't stop.

211
00:12:58,843 --> 00:13:00,083
Medical condition?

212
00:13:00,083 --> 00:13:02,003
Yeah, it's called, er...

213
00:13:02,003 --> 00:13:03,483
..being an absolute legend.

214
00:13:05,483 --> 00:13:07,723
Oh.

215
00:13:07,723 --> 00:13:10,723
So, you are a crime scene cleaner?

216
00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:13,603
I am. And what does that involve?

217
00:13:13,603 --> 00:13:16,283
It's mainly delivering
patio furniture.

218
00:13:16,283 --> 00:13:17,763
A joke.

219
00:13:17,763 --> 00:13:20,363
Yeah. Very good. Enjoyable.

220
00:13:20,363 --> 00:13:24,363
And what is this
little cleaning agent?

221
00:13:24,363 --> 00:13:27,843
It's sodium hydroxide.
It's for dissolving flesh.

222
00:13:30,683 --> 00:13:32,363
Eh!

223
00:13:32,363 --> 00:13:34,443
Two jokes, two sentences.

224
00:13:34,443 --> 00:13:36,003
Maybe I should become a writer.

225
00:13:36,003 --> 00:13:38,523
Don't. It's mental torture.

226
00:13:38,523 --> 00:13:39,803
Can I tell you something?

227
00:13:41,603 --> 00:13:45,003
I actually won a little
writing award at school once.

228
00:13:45,003 --> 00:13:46,363
Go on.

229
00:13:46,363 --> 00:13:49,283
We had to come up with an
advertising slogan for a product,

230
00:13:49,283 --> 00:13:51,083
and I got given cigarettes.

231
00:13:51,083 --> 00:13:54,203
Shows you how long ago
it was, and...

232
00:13:54,203 --> 00:13:57,323
Oh...it doesn't matter.

233
00:13:57,323 --> 00:13:58,603
It was stupid.

234
00:13:58,603 --> 00:14:00,483
Please, I'm interested.

235
00:14:00,483 --> 00:14:01,843
It was just...

236
00:14:04,123 --> 00:14:06,283
"Fancy a fag?

237
00:14:06,283 --> 00:14:07,683
"Have a drag."

238
00:14:10,523 --> 00:14:12,003
Just simple.

239
00:14:21,083 --> 00:14:23,003
You can use it, if you want.

240
00:14:23,003 --> 00:14:24,843
No, I won't be using it.

241
00:14:24,843 --> 00:14:27,483
No? I was thinking
he could use it when he gets

242
00:14:27,483 --> 00:14:29,123
to the top of the stairs.

243
00:14:29,123 --> 00:14:32,203
Everyone could say, "Oh, you
look stressed. Fancy a fag?"

244
00:14:32,203 --> 00:14:34,683
"I'll have a drag."

245
00:14:34,683 --> 00:14:36,803
It's shit.

246
00:14:36,803 --> 00:14:39,643
It's the mindless utterance
of a cleaner-to-be.

247
00:14:39,643 --> 00:14:41,483
I'm a crime scene cleaner.

248
00:14:41,483 --> 00:14:44,283
Yes, yes.
"Pass in horror," etc, etc.

249
00:14:46,603 --> 00:14:49,603
Look, can I ask you something?
A serious question.

250
00:14:49,603 --> 00:14:51,443
Quickly, please.

251
00:14:51,443 --> 00:14:53,443
Why aren't you upset
about your gran?

252
00:14:53,443 --> 00:14:55,203
What makes you think I'm not upset?

253
00:14:55,203 --> 00:14:58,443
Well, normally,
people are affected by a loss.

254
00:14:58,443 --> 00:15:00,003
They show it in some way.

255
00:15:00,003 --> 00:15:01,483
What about your nan?

256
00:15:01,483 --> 00:15:04,363
She was an extraordinary woman,
and her loss, a fire in my soul.

257
00:15:04,363 --> 00:15:06,643
Tell your face.
Tell my face what?

258
00:15:06,643 --> 00:15:09,123
Normally, people...cry?

259
00:15:09,123 --> 00:15:11,523
I can't afford to cry.

260
00:15:11,523 --> 00:15:15,043
Look, I could break down now,
in front of you, rivers of tears,

261
00:15:15,043 --> 00:15:17,403
and fall into your arms -
and then, what?

262
00:15:17,403 --> 00:15:19,883
Well, then you'd feel better.
I'm a great cuddle.

263
00:15:19,883 --> 00:15:22,323
Look, I've got lovely,
big mum tits. Come on.

264
00:15:22,323 --> 00:15:24,283
Oh, God! Come on.

265
00:15:24,283 --> 00:15:28,083
But then, all the emotion
would be used up, wasted.

266
00:15:28,083 --> 00:15:29,643
My grandmother would be buried,

267
00:15:29,643 --> 00:15:32,483
and I'd sit down to try
and describe the pain,

268
00:15:32,483 --> 00:15:34,363
and there'd be nothing left.

269
00:15:34,363 --> 00:15:38,843
You can't use everything that you
go through in life for a book!

270
00:15:38,843 --> 00:15:41,563
Sometimes,
you've just got to...be.

271
00:15:41,563 --> 00:15:43,683
I think my grandmother
deserves more than

272
00:15:43,683 --> 00:15:45,723
a spontaneous howl of anguish.

273
00:15:45,723 --> 00:15:48,563
She deserves a novella, at least.

274
00:15:48,563 --> 00:15:50,643
So, I shall push it down.

275
00:15:50,643 --> 00:15:53,443
I either cry, or I write.

276
00:15:53,443 --> 00:15:55,043
Hm.

277
00:15:55,043 --> 00:15:57,323
Well, doesn't sound
very healthy to me.

278
00:15:57,323 --> 00:16:02,283
It isn't, but I've been published
in 28 countries, whereas you,

279
00:16:02,283 --> 00:16:04,843
when you "fancy a fag, have a drag".

280
00:16:04,843 --> 00:16:07,763
Well, if I have to push everything
down to become a writer,

281
00:16:07,763 --> 00:16:09,403
I'll stick to cleaning up blood.

282
00:16:09,403 --> 00:16:12,563
One must be consumed
by what one does.

283
00:16:12,563 --> 00:16:16,043
Dylan Thomas makes an interesting
point about it, actually.

284
00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:18,523
Oh, right, well, there's no
need to find it. I believe you.

285
00:16:18,523 --> 00:16:20,443
No, it's an interesting
passage. I'll...

286
00:16:20,443 --> 00:16:21,963
Yeah, I don't want to see it.

287
00:16:21,963 --> 00:16:24,683
It's relevant to our discussion.
But I'm not interested.

288
00:16:24,683 --> 00:16:26,163
Leave it!

289
00:16:27,603 --> 00:16:30,163
I hate this book. I despise it.

290
00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:31,283
Have you read it?

291
00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:33,163
Yes, of course I've read it.

292
00:16:33,163 --> 00:16:35,123
He's the worst writer
to come out of...

293
00:16:37,923 --> 00:16:39,843
Wales? Yes, Wales!

294
00:16:39,843 --> 00:16:42,323
"Oh, I've got a doll
with a big, tall hat

295
00:16:42,323 --> 00:16:44,083
"and a house full of spoons."

296
00:16:44,083 --> 00:16:45,883
Wales! Get over yourselves!

297
00:16:45,883 --> 00:16:48,563
He's one of the 20th century's
greatest writers.

298
00:16:48,563 --> 00:16:50,163
I hate his writing.

299
00:16:50,163 --> 00:16:52,523
His writing makes my balls
go up inside myself.

300
00:16:52,523 --> 00:16:54,723
You don't like his style?

301
00:16:54,723 --> 00:16:56,523
What don't you like about it?

302
00:16:56,523 --> 00:16:58,963
Well, it's so...

303
00:17:01,243 --> 00:17:03,163
...pecky, isn't it?

304
00:17:03,163 --> 00:17:06,203
Pecky? Yes, pecky. Isn't it?

305
00:17:06,203 --> 00:17:09,883
"Oh, I'm Dylan Thomas. Oh, look
at my words. Peck, peck, peck."

306
00:17:09,883 --> 00:17:11,963
So, pecky in terms of the sharp...

307
00:17:11,963 --> 00:17:15,363
Sharp... ..disjointed nature of
the prose. ..nature of the prose.

308
00:17:15,363 --> 00:17:19,043
So, you feel that by jumping
from image to juxtaposed image,

309
00:17:19,043 --> 00:17:20,923
we never really emotionally engage.

310
00:17:20,923 --> 00:17:24,043
Exactly. The guy's a prick. Oh.

311
00:17:27,243 --> 00:17:28,763
Aah!

312
00:17:28,763 --> 00:17:30,763
You holding your emotions in again?

313
00:17:30,763 --> 00:17:35,203
The pain I just felt will
flow across the next page.

314
00:17:35,203 --> 00:17:37,523
Well, as long as
it doesn't peck across it, eh?

315
00:17:37,523 --> 00:17:40,123
No, not like that prick
Dylan Thomas.

316
00:17:40,123 --> 00:17:43,723
We make a pretty good team,
eh, you and me?

317
00:17:43,723 --> 00:17:45,003
Meh.

318
00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,283
Pip-yup!

319
00:17:59,123 --> 00:18:00,923
Terence Redford? Yes.

320
00:18:00,923 --> 00:18:03,283
We come with news. I'm very busy.

321
00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:06,683
We know you must be consumed
with your next masterpiece,

322
00:18:06,683 --> 00:18:09,363
but we bring news
of an important award.

323
00:18:09,363 --> 00:18:11,243
An award? For one of my...?

324
00:18:11,243 --> 00:18:13,683
Slow The Seconds To Midnight
has been nominated

325
00:18:13,683 --> 00:18:15,443
in the Best Novel category.

326
00:18:15,443 --> 00:18:18,443
My sources have led me
to believe that you are in

327
00:18:18,443 --> 00:18:20,523
a very favourable position.

328
00:18:20,523 --> 00:18:22,083
Goodness!

329
00:18:22,083 --> 00:18:24,563
And what is the award, may I ask?

330
00:18:24,563 --> 00:18:26,643
A very important one. Which one?

331
00:18:28,243 --> 00:18:30,843
I am not at liberty to say.

332
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,443
I see.

333
00:18:32,443 --> 00:18:33,763
Would you wait there?

334
00:18:38,803 --> 00:18:41,123
Come here,
you manky little stray.

335
00:18:44,203 --> 00:18:45,443
Oi!

336
00:18:46,523 --> 00:18:47,603
No!

337
00:18:52,683 --> 00:18:53,723
Dickhead!

338
00:18:56,523 --> 00:18:58,083
Ah!

339
00:18:58,083 --> 00:19:00,523
Oh! Is that a first edition?

340
00:19:00,523 --> 00:19:02,963
It is indeed.

341
00:19:02,963 --> 00:19:05,323
Would it be impertinent
to ask for a signature?

342
00:19:05,323 --> 00:19:06,603
Not at all.

343
00:19:15,323 --> 00:19:17,323
Ooh! Are you entertaining?

344
00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:19,803
Yes, yes. And what are
your names, please?

345
00:19:19,803 --> 00:19:22,483
I am Mrs Gathernoid,
and this is Miss Chant.

346
00:19:22,483 --> 00:19:23,963
Barbara Chant!

347
00:19:28,483 --> 00:19:30,683
"To the small woman
and the big woman.

348
00:19:30,683 --> 00:19:33,243
"Your lies are a disease
that will eat you."

349
00:19:33,243 --> 00:19:35,443
You are not from
an award committee,

350
00:19:35,443 --> 00:19:37,003
you are desperate groupies,

351
00:19:37,003 --> 00:19:40,963
and if you waste another second
of my time, I will destroy you!

352
00:19:40,963 --> 00:19:43,243
Now, get back on the train to...

353
00:19:43,243 --> 00:19:45,803
Gloucester. Of course, Gloucester!

354
00:19:45,803 --> 00:19:49,683
A rock which, when lifted,
is teeming with roaches.

355
00:19:58,763 --> 00:20:00,363
That was your fault.

356
00:20:08,163 --> 00:20:09,563
How dare they!

357
00:20:09,563 --> 00:20:12,083
How dare they use my
longing for recognition

358
00:20:12,083 --> 00:20:13,763
to their own foul ends!

359
00:20:13,763 --> 00:20:15,603
They know I crave the Booker,

360
00:20:15,603 --> 00:20:18,123
they know the Sunday Times
are blind to me.

361
00:20:18,123 --> 00:20:19,803
Every week, they come,

362
00:20:19,803 --> 00:20:22,563
the zombie army
of lonely housewives.

363
00:20:22,563 --> 00:20:25,403
Well, damn you, wretched sows.

364
00:20:25,403 --> 00:20:28,843
You've just made the female
protagonist get lost at sea,

365
00:20:28,843 --> 00:20:30,723
never to return.

366
00:20:30,723 --> 00:20:32,403
Hairy nose, as well?

367
00:21:11,203 --> 00:21:13,763
Well, you didn't push
your feelings down very well

368
00:21:13,763 --> 00:21:15,003
with them, did you?

369
00:21:15,003 --> 00:21:18,283
Because they took advantage
of a writer's greatest fear.

370
00:21:18,283 --> 00:21:19,963
It's about leaving a mark,

371
00:21:19,963 --> 00:21:22,283
leaving evidence that you existed.

372
00:21:22,283 --> 00:21:23,923
Well, the books do that, don't they?

373
00:21:23,923 --> 00:21:27,283
An award will bring
more people to my books.

374
00:21:27,283 --> 00:21:29,403
I'll cast a longer shadow.

375
00:21:29,403 --> 00:21:31,083
Don't you understand?

376
00:21:31,083 --> 00:21:33,323
No, not really.

377
00:21:33,323 --> 00:21:35,443
Mind you, I suppose
if I do my job properly,

378
00:21:35,443 --> 00:21:37,723
then I don't leave a trace
behind me.

379
00:21:37,723 --> 00:21:39,363
It's like I never existed.

380
00:21:39,363 --> 00:21:40,803
And that doesn't bother you?

381
00:21:40,803 --> 00:21:43,643
No. What do I care what people
think when I'm gone?

382
00:21:43,643 --> 00:21:45,003
I'll be dead.

383
00:21:45,003 --> 00:21:47,923
But you could live on
in people's minds.

384
00:21:47,923 --> 00:21:50,643
Well, that's like someone
buying a pint for me

385
00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:52,363
just before I have a heart attack.

386
00:21:52,363 --> 00:21:54,443
I don't get to enjoy the pint.

387
00:21:54,443 --> 00:21:55,763
And if there is a Heaven,

388
00:21:55,763 --> 00:21:58,083
I'll be looking down,
watching someone drink my pint,

389
00:21:58,083 --> 00:22:00,123
and I won't like that,
I'll be jealous,

390
00:22:00,123 --> 00:22:01,883
because I love a pint.

391
00:22:01,883 --> 00:22:04,963
If you had one hour left to live,
what would you do?

392
00:22:04,963 --> 00:22:07,963
Look, we do this stuff down
at the pub all the time,

393
00:22:07,963 --> 00:22:10,163
and I'm not particularly
proud of my answer,

394
00:22:10,163 --> 00:22:11,603
but I tell the truth -

395
00:22:11,603 --> 00:22:14,283
I would enjoy going round
the ladies' changing room,

396
00:22:14,283 --> 00:22:17,403
and I would enjoy watching them
try their bras on.

397
00:22:17,403 --> 00:22:19,723
What?

398
00:22:19,723 --> 00:22:22,083
No, that's not "hour to live",

399
00:22:22,083 --> 00:22:24,443
that's "invisible for the day",
isn't it?

400
00:22:24,443 --> 00:22:27,603
No, come on,
you've got one hour left.

401
00:22:27,603 --> 00:22:29,323
I don't know.

402
00:22:31,203 --> 00:22:33,003
I suppose I'd write to my ex.

403
00:22:33,003 --> 00:22:35,483
What does it matter
what your ex thinks?

404
00:22:35,483 --> 00:22:36,923
You'll be dead.

405
00:22:36,923 --> 00:22:39,043
Not while I'm writing
that letter, I won't be,

406
00:22:39,043 --> 00:22:41,763
and there's a few things
I'll enjoy getting off my chest.

407
00:22:41,763 --> 00:22:44,883
"Oh, didn't like the way
I used to load the dishwasher?

408
00:22:44,883 --> 00:22:47,403
"Well, your sister's racist."

409
00:22:47,403 --> 00:22:48,723
Jesus!

410
00:23:26,963 --> 00:23:29,163
You writing about me?

411
00:23:29,163 --> 00:23:30,523
What do you care?

412
00:23:30,523 --> 00:23:32,483
Well, I don't know
what you're saying!

413
00:23:32,483 --> 00:23:34,483
You're happy to disappear
once you've died,

414
00:23:34,483 --> 00:23:35,723
so don't worry about it.

415
00:23:38,603 --> 00:23:40,763
"I observed the gargantuan
pot-bellied man

416
00:23:40,763 --> 00:23:42,243
"going about his business."

417
00:23:44,323 --> 00:23:45,563
And that's me, is it?

418
00:23:46,643 --> 00:23:49,723
Well... Well, it's not going to be
a best-seller, is it, mate?

419
00:23:49,723 --> 00:23:52,523
The most mundane of activities
can be made interesting

420
00:23:52,523 --> 00:23:54,163
in the right context.

421
00:23:54,163 --> 00:23:56,083
Mundane? Yes.

422
00:23:56,083 --> 00:23:58,563
Tedious, inconsequential, dull.

423
00:23:58,563 --> 00:24:00,963
Let me tell you
some interesting stories.

424
00:24:00,963 --> 00:24:03,323
No, you just carry on.
Act like I'm not here.

425
00:24:03,323 --> 00:24:05,243
I will capture the truth.

426
00:24:06,523 --> 00:24:08,403
How many books did you
sell last time?

427
00:24:08,403 --> 00:24:09,883
Just shy of 100,000.

428
00:24:11,483 --> 00:24:13,243
I'll get some interesting things.

429
00:24:19,203 --> 00:24:21,323
There's some good stuff here,
straight away.

430
00:24:21,323 --> 00:24:24,483
Straight away. Ooh...
Now, this is daptrozone.

431
00:24:24,483 --> 00:24:27,523
That's for separating
blood and plasma.

432
00:24:27,523 --> 00:24:29,923
You could...

433
00:24:29,923 --> 00:24:33,243
And this, the bad bin.

434
00:24:33,243 --> 00:24:35,043
It's for severed body parts.

435
00:24:35,043 --> 00:24:37,523
Come on, mate, it's a finger bin!

436
00:24:37,523 --> 00:24:38,963
Not my genre.

437
00:24:38,963 --> 00:24:40,483
I've got good stories.

438
00:24:40,483 --> 00:24:43,603
Last year, I got called out to
a job, I had to take away a man -

439
00:24:43,603 --> 00:24:45,723
a chimp had had his legs away.

440
00:24:45,723 --> 00:24:48,163
I thought you weren't bothered
about being remembered.

441
00:24:48,163 --> 00:24:51,003
Well, I'm not, but I'm not having
those arseholes down the pub

442
00:24:51,003 --> 00:24:54,283
read a book with a boring
character and know it's me.

443
00:24:54,283 --> 00:24:55,523
What's that?

444
00:24:57,603 --> 00:24:59,203
That's my lunch.

445
00:24:59,203 --> 00:25:01,043
May I? Yeah.

446
00:25:09,203 --> 00:25:10,763
What is it?

447
00:25:10,763 --> 00:25:12,283
It's a sausage sarnie.

448
00:25:12,283 --> 00:25:14,243
Well, half of one.

449
00:25:17,443 --> 00:25:18,963
And then, this?

450
00:25:20,883 --> 00:25:22,283
Brown sauce.

451
00:25:23,643 --> 00:25:26,123
No salad?

452
00:25:26,123 --> 00:25:28,003
Who puts salad on a
sausage sandwich?

453
00:25:31,043 --> 00:25:33,123
What, you're writing
about my sandwich?

454
00:25:33,123 --> 00:25:34,403
Mm-hm.

455
00:25:34,403 --> 00:25:36,803
So, I've spent all day
listening to your madness,

456
00:25:36,803 --> 00:25:38,523
and cleaning up your grandmother,

457
00:25:38,523 --> 00:25:40,643
and you're writing about
my sandwich?

458
00:25:40,643 --> 00:25:42,203
It's the perfect metaphor.

459
00:25:42,203 --> 00:25:44,923
It is both dead and alive
simultaneously.

460
00:25:44,923 --> 00:25:47,203
But have you put
it's Wicky's sandwich?

461
00:25:47,203 --> 00:25:49,963
No, it is a sausage sandwich
lost in time.

462
00:25:49,963 --> 00:25:51,403
It's MY sandwich!

463
00:25:51,403 --> 00:25:53,523
You don't care if
anyone remembers you.

464
00:25:53,523 --> 00:25:55,083
You don't seek meaning.

465
00:25:55,083 --> 00:25:57,003
It is the universe's sandwich.

466
00:25:57,003 --> 00:25:58,403
Oh, yeah?

467
00:26:02,163 --> 00:26:03,723
It's my sandwich.

468
00:26:03,723 --> 00:26:05,163
Please!

469
00:26:19,723 --> 00:26:22,963
The fog will have gone in about
two hours, and so will I.

470
00:26:22,963 --> 00:26:24,443
Well, thank you.

471
00:26:24,443 --> 00:26:26,803
You're not welcome.

472
00:26:26,803 --> 00:26:30,283
I don't want you to accuse me
of using cliches, do I?

473
00:26:32,683 --> 00:26:34,363
Well, goodbye.

474
00:26:34,363 --> 00:26:36,403
My publisher awaits. Terence?

475
00:26:39,003 --> 00:26:41,763
I haven't read anything
by Dylan Thomas.

476
00:26:41,763 --> 00:26:43,083
I wouldn't bother.

477
00:26:43,083 --> 00:26:44,483
He's very pecky.

478
00:26:46,723 --> 00:26:48,683
I know you must think me strange,

479
00:26:48,683 --> 00:26:50,243
but I want you to know,

480
00:26:50,243 --> 00:26:53,243
one cannot always
control one's grief.

481
00:26:53,243 --> 00:26:55,363
Recently, I cried for a week.

482
00:26:55,363 --> 00:26:56,883
Why?

483
00:26:56,883 --> 00:26:59,323
It sounds silly, but...

484
00:26:59,323 --> 00:27:00,843
..my cat ran away.

485
00:27:02,763 --> 00:27:07,363
I grieve for my cat,
but for my grandmother...

486
00:27:07,363 --> 00:27:08,883
You'll find a way.

487
00:27:24,403 --> 00:27:25,803
"My grandmother was

488
00:27:25,803 --> 00:27:29,043
"the most beautiful woman
in the world.

489
00:27:29,043 --> 00:27:31,723
"She stood in the small,
wood-panelled kitchen

490
00:27:31,723 --> 00:27:35,603
"of her farmhouse, cooking
sausages for my sandwich.

491
00:27:37,763 --> 00:27:41,363
"'What is a sausage, Gran?'
I asked.

492
00:27:41,363 --> 00:27:44,803
"She smiled and ruffled my hair.

493
00:27:44,803 --> 00:27:48,683
"'Just eat, my love. Just eat.'"