1
00:00:16,843 --> 00:00:18,563
You should prepare yourself.

2
00:00:18,563 --> 00:00:19,883
Where is it?

3
00:00:19,883 --> 00:00:21,923
I told him what to expect...

4
00:00:21,923 --> 00:00:23,603
Just show me.

5
00:00:56,963 --> 00:00:58,483
Bloody hell, Ruth!

6
00:00:58,483 --> 00:00:59,843
This is going to take ages!

7
00:00:59,843 --> 00:01:01,443
I told your boss it was a bad one.

8
00:01:01,443 --> 00:01:03,083
It's 3.00! I'm supposed to be...

9
00:01:03,083 --> 00:01:05,403
Curry night. I told them,
"He won't like this.

10
00:01:05,403 --> 00:01:07,363
"It's curry night
at the White Horse."

11
00:01:07,363 --> 00:01:08,403
It's on everything!

12
00:01:08,403 --> 00:01:11,483
Look, it's on curtains,
bloody clock!

13
00:01:11,483 --> 00:01:13,563
Who puts a white rug
in a kitchen?

14
00:01:13,563 --> 00:01:15,923
Did Siegfried move here
after Roy died?

15
00:01:17,083 --> 00:01:20,003
Jesus! What happened?
A woman killed her husband.

16
00:01:20,003 --> 00:01:21,643
What with, a combine harvester?

17
00:01:21,643 --> 00:01:24,403
Stabbed him 38 times. Why?

18
00:01:24,403 --> 00:01:25,883
To piss me off?

19
00:01:25,883 --> 00:01:27,443
You only need five stabs.

20
00:01:27,443 --> 00:01:29,043
Anything else is showboating.

21
00:01:29,043 --> 00:01:31,123
Oh, you'll be all right,
you've got ages!

22
00:01:31,123 --> 00:01:32,603
I'm a cleaner.

23
00:01:32,603 --> 00:01:34,603
I'm not Jesus.

24
00:01:34,603 --> 00:01:38,003
The naans come out at 7.00,
and they go stale very quickly.

25
00:01:38,003 --> 00:01:40,083
I need to be sat down
by 6.30 at the latest.

26
00:01:40,083 --> 00:01:41,723
Well, there you go, three hours.

27
00:01:41,723 --> 00:01:42,883
And I'm up there later.

28
00:01:42,883 --> 00:01:45,083
I'll get Mervin
to keep you a jalfrezi.

29
00:01:45,083 --> 00:01:47,723
Do you think this is
a three-hour job?

30
00:01:47,723 --> 00:01:48,763
I've not looked yet,

31
00:01:48,763 --> 00:01:51,083
but I'd be willing to bet
there's blood on the ceiling.

32
00:01:51,083 --> 00:01:53,283
Yep! Hello! Oh, and also...

33
00:01:53,283 --> 00:01:54,883
..the models need doing.

34
00:01:54,883 --> 00:01:58,563
They were his pride and joy,
apparently. Why? He's dead!

35
00:01:58,563 --> 00:02:00,923
Who's going to care?
His wife who murdered him?

36
00:02:00,923 --> 00:02:02,643
Or am I being thorough for a ghost?

37
00:02:02,643 --> 00:02:06,523
You're just grumpy cos you're on
a promise from the tattooed milf.

38
00:02:06,523 --> 00:02:07,843
No, I'm not.

39
00:02:07,843 --> 00:02:10,683
She'll be waiting for you,
no matter how late you get there.

40
00:02:10,683 --> 00:02:13,563
I'm not seeing her any more.
Aw. Why not?

41
00:02:13,563 --> 00:02:15,763
I think it was cos I realised
that everybody calls her

42
00:02:15,763 --> 00:02:17,843
"the tattooed milf" -
even her own mother.

43
00:02:17,843 --> 00:02:19,843
She doesn't even have
that many tattoos.

44
00:02:19,843 --> 00:02:22,803
You haven't seen her back, mate.
It's all anchors and sea monsters.

45
00:02:22,803 --> 00:02:25,963
It's like shagging
a treasure map. Ohh, God!

46
00:02:25,963 --> 00:02:27,603
She's even got it on the pot plants!

47
00:02:27,603 --> 00:02:29,723
Oh, well, good luck, Mr Mop.

48
00:02:29,723 --> 00:02:31,723
See you later...hopefully.

49
00:02:32,843 --> 00:02:34,683
All right.

50
00:02:34,683 --> 00:02:36,323
Right, Wicky.

51
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:37,683
Think curry.

52
00:02:37,683 --> 00:02:39,843
Just think delicious curry.

53
00:02:39,843 --> 00:02:42,883
MUSIC: The Only One I Know
by The Charlatans

54
00:02:46,683 --> 00:02:50,763
♪ The only one I know

55
00:02:50,763 --> 00:02:54,603
♪ Has come to take me away

56
00:02:54,603 --> 00:02:59,123
♪ The only one I know

57
00:02:59,123 --> 00:03:03,243
♪ Is mine when she stitches me

58
00:03:07,843 --> 00:03:12,243
♪ The only one I see

59
00:03:12,243 --> 00:03:16,163
♪ Has found an aching in me

60
00:03:16,163 --> 00:03:20,483
♪ The only one I see

61
00:03:20,483 --> 00:03:24,403
♪ Has turned her tongue into me

62
00:03:29,043 --> 00:03:31,803
♪ Everyone...

63
00:03:31,803 --> 00:03:33,723
BOTTLE SQUEAKS,
MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES

64
00:03:33,723 --> 00:03:34,963
DOOR CLOSES

65
00:03:34,963 --> 00:03:36,403
Hello? Mr Policeman?

66
00:03:36,403 --> 00:03:37,923
It's the friendly neighbour!

67
00:03:43,163 --> 00:03:44,803
Hello. Argh!

68
00:03:44,803 --> 00:03:46,723
SHE SCREAMS

69
00:03:46,723 --> 00:03:48,523
THEY SCREAM
Hey!

70
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:50,763
How are you feeling?

71
00:03:50,763 --> 00:03:51,923
SHE SIGHS

72
00:03:51,923 --> 00:03:55,083
Yeah, I'm a little shaken,
but I'll live.

73
00:03:55,083 --> 00:03:57,363
Honestly, you're just like my boy,

74
00:03:57,363 --> 00:04:00,123
running around, causing chaos.
SHE LAUGHS

75
00:04:00,123 --> 00:04:01,243
To be honest with you,

76
00:04:01,243 --> 00:04:03,483
I was pretty pleased
that I kicked that high.

77
00:04:03,483 --> 00:04:06,003
Ah! You boys and your karate!

78
00:04:06,003 --> 00:04:07,803
Ah...

79
00:04:07,803 --> 00:04:10,363
Well, I'd better get on.

80
00:04:17,483 --> 00:04:19,803
Yes, dear.
I'm just waiting for my letter.

81
00:04:20,883 --> 00:04:22,283
Your...?

82
00:04:22,283 --> 00:04:24,083
Well, as I say to my boy,

83
00:04:24,083 --> 00:04:26,243
what's an apology without a letter?

84
00:04:26,243 --> 00:04:28,963
It's like a burp in the wind, huh?
SHE LAUGHS

85
00:04:28,963 --> 00:04:31,083
You want me to write you
an apology letter?

86
00:04:31,083 --> 00:04:34,043
The pie didn't kick itself out
of my hands now, did it, dear?

87
00:04:35,563 --> 00:04:36,923
Why not?

88
00:04:36,923 --> 00:04:40,283
Well, it came as no surprise to me
that Mrs Bellingham did this.

89
00:04:40,283 --> 00:04:42,723
Never trust a woman
who doesn't bake.

90
00:04:42,723 --> 00:04:45,483
I used to bring a pie
round every Tuesday

91
00:04:45,483 --> 00:04:46,923
for poor Mr Bellingham.

92
00:04:46,923 --> 00:04:48,523
And now, look.

93
00:04:48,523 --> 00:04:50,803
Not all women bake, though,
do they?

94
00:04:50,803 --> 00:04:52,683
All women of my generation do.

95
00:04:52,683 --> 00:04:54,283
It was drummed into us -

96
00:04:54,283 --> 00:04:57,443
and if she's not baking,
what is she doing?

97
00:04:57,443 --> 00:04:59,083
I guess she's into other things.

98
00:04:59,083 --> 00:05:01,043
Exactly what Myra Hindley said.

99
00:05:04,203 --> 00:05:06,883
So...you must be a policeman.

100
00:05:06,883 --> 00:05:08,203
How exciting.

101
00:05:08,203 --> 00:05:09,723
No, I'm here to clean up, so...

102
00:05:09,723 --> 00:05:11,603
You're a cleaner?
What did I tell you?

103
00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:13,443
The world is upside down!

104
00:05:13,443 --> 00:05:14,843
Crime scene cleaner.

105
00:05:14,843 --> 00:05:16,803
It needs a woman's touch.

106
00:05:16,803 --> 00:05:19,763
Now, get me a mop, and I'll do it.

107
00:05:19,763 --> 00:05:21,883
Name a stain! Pardon?

108
00:05:21,883 --> 00:05:24,283
Name a stain
that's impossible to get out.

109
00:05:24,283 --> 00:05:25,683
Beetroot on linen.

110
00:05:25,683 --> 00:05:26,923
Pectinase. What?

111
00:05:26,923 --> 00:05:30,683
It's an enzyme which breaks down
pectin, a polysaccharide

112
00:05:30,683 --> 00:05:32,483
found in plant cell walls.

113
00:05:32,483 --> 00:05:35,283
Used in conjunction
with hydrogen peroxide

114
00:05:35,283 --> 00:05:36,883
and a microfibre brush,

115
00:05:36,883 --> 00:05:39,683
I can get beetroot out of anything.

116
00:05:39,683 --> 00:05:40,963
And you know why?

117
00:05:40,963 --> 00:05:44,803
Because I am a qualified
crime scene cleaner.

118
00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:48,243
I can get dried blood out
of a white woollen carpet.

119
00:05:48,243 --> 00:05:51,083
I can remove skull fragments
from velvet. Ew!

120
00:05:51,083 --> 00:05:53,683
So...think on!

121
00:05:57,643 --> 00:05:59,003
DOOR CLOSES

122
00:05:59,003 --> 00:06:00,683
Yeah. Firm, but fair.

123
00:06:03,683 --> 00:06:05,243
HE SIGHS

124
00:06:08,563 --> 00:06:09,963
HE SIGHS

125
00:06:11,923 --> 00:06:13,243
Hello.

126
00:06:13,243 --> 00:06:14,363
Hey!

127
00:06:14,363 --> 00:06:16,963
Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.

128
00:06:16,963 --> 00:06:18,283
I let myself in.

129
00:06:18,283 --> 00:06:20,843
Has everyone got keys
to this bloody house?

130
00:06:20,843 --> 00:06:22,043
Oh, gosh. I hope not.

131
00:06:22,043 --> 00:06:25,003
Erm, just me and our neighbour now,
I think. It's all right.

132
00:06:25,003 --> 00:06:27,363
At least you weren't
carrying a pie, I suppose.

133
00:06:27,363 --> 00:06:29,283
Oh, no. I don't bake.

134
00:06:29,283 --> 00:06:32,963
No. It was a source of some...
irritation for my husband.

135
00:06:32,963 --> 00:06:34,403
Oh.

136
00:06:34,403 --> 00:06:36,123
You're the, erm...?

137
00:06:36,123 --> 00:06:37,923
Oh, this is...?

138
00:06:37,923 --> 00:06:39,883
I'm the wife, yes.

139
00:06:39,883 --> 00:06:42,083
Oh, I suppose I should
say "widow" now.

140
00:06:42,083 --> 00:06:46,083
HE LAUGHS
Yes, I suppose you should!

141
00:06:46,083 --> 00:06:48,043
I was just, erm...

142
00:06:48,043 --> 00:06:51,123
I was just going to go
and get some...murder.

143
00:06:51,123 --> 00:06:53,243
Some...? Some murder for the stab.

144
00:06:53,243 --> 00:06:55,003
What am I talking about?

145
00:06:55,003 --> 00:06:57,563
I was just going to go and fill
my bucket with blood.

146
00:06:57,563 --> 00:06:59,123
For the murder stab.

147
00:06:59,123 --> 00:07:00,443
Water!

148
00:07:00,443 --> 00:07:03,723
Water to clean the stab a man
murder walls of all the blood!

149
00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:05,123
Water!

150
00:07:05,123 --> 00:07:07,643
Water for my bucket!

151
00:07:07,643 --> 00:07:09,883
So, I'll go and do that,

152
00:07:09,883 --> 00:07:13,923
and then, maybe you and I could have
a nice cup of tea, couldn't we?

153
00:07:13,923 --> 00:07:14,963
GUN COCKS

154
00:07:14,963 --> 00:07:17,283
I'm afraid I'm going to have
to ask you to stay.

155
00:07:18,963 --> 00:07:20,643
If you don't mind awfully.

156
00:07:21,763 --> 00:07:23,043
I would be delighted.

157
00:07:27,923 --> 00:07:29,163
OK.

158
00:07:32,083 --> 00:07:33,923
In the cupboard, please.

159
00:07:33,923 --> 00:07:36,123
Oh... In the cupboard.

160
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:38,723
No, I can't. I'm sorry.
I'm claustrophobic.

161
00:07:38,723 --> 00:07:40,963
And I can see they've got
wool coats in there,

162
00:07:40,963 --> 00:07:42,003
and I'm allergic.

163
00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:44,723
It makes my throat go up like
a puffer fish. Seriously.

164
00:07:44,723 --> 00:07:46,323
Cupboard.

165
00:07:46,323 --> 00:07:48,043
Look, how long are you going to be?

166
00:07:48,043 --> 00:07:50,603
Just collecting some things,
then I'll be on my way.

167
00:07:50,603 --> 00:07:52,043
So, like, ten minutes?

168
00:07:52,043 --> 00:07:53,523
Or are you going to lock me in,

169
00:07:53,523 --> 00:07:55,403
and then wait for me
to be discovered?

170
00:07:55,403 --> 00:07:57,763
Sorry, have you got somewhere
you've got to be?

171
00:07:59,283 --> 00:08:01,043
Well, yeah.

172
00:08:01,043 --> 00:08:04,843
You're being held at gunpoint
by a woman who you know has,

173
00:08:04,843 --> 00:08:06,123
within the past 48 hours,

174
00:08:06,123 --> 00:08:08,643
used her husband as a knife block.

175
00:08:08,643 --> 00:08:12,243
So, do weigh up your answer
to this really carefully.

176
00:08:12,243 --> 00:08:15,083
What is so...important?

177
00:08:16,883 --> 00:08:19,803
Well, it's nothing.
I was just...

178
00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:22,243
I was just going to go
to the White Horse.

179
00:08:22,243 --> 00:08:24,163
A pub? It's curry night.

180
00:08:24,163 --> 00:08:26,683
It's curry night? Yeah. It's £5.

181
00:08:26,683 --> 00:08:30,363
And, honestly, considering it's all
cooked by a white guy called Mervin,

182
00:08:30,363 --> 00:08:31,403
it is delicious.

183
00:08:31,403 --> 00:08:33,723
What, it's worth being shot for?
SHE CHUCKLES

184
00:08:33,723 --> 00:08:35,243
You should come!

185
00:08:35,243 --> 00:08:36,883
It's as many naans as you can eat.

186
00:08:36,883 --> 00:08:38,283
That's a mistake by Mervin.

187
00:08:38,283 --> 00:08:40,883
I had nine last week
before the madras came out.

188
00:08:40,883 --> 00:08:43,923
OK. So, you're refusing to get in
because of Mervin's naans?

189
00:08:43,923 --> 00:08:46,443
Let's get this over with.
Hey, hey, hey, no!

190
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:48,803
I'll get in. I'll get in.
Lovely. It'll be nice.

191
00:08:55,963 --> 00:08:57,643
SHE EXHALES

192
00:08:57,643 --> 00:09:01,243
MUFFLED: You couldn't ring ahead,
then, could you?

193
00:09:01,243 --> 00:09:04,123
And ask them if they'll put
some on one side for me?

194
00:09:04,123 --> 00:09:06,323
If you look on Google,
it's the White Horse.

195
00:09:06,323 --> 00:09:07,963
Don't go on the website,

196
00:09:07,963 --> 00:09:09,563
because Mervin messed that up.

197
00:09:09,563 --> 00:09:12,003
The link just takes you
to an abattoir.

198
00:09:12,003 --> 00:09:13,283
In Poland.

199
00:09:13,283 --> 00:09:14,843
I think it's Poland.

200
00:09:14,843 --> 00:09:16,803
Either way, the cows look weird.

201
00:09:16,803 --> 00:09:17,843
Hello?!

202
00:09:17,843 --> 00:09:19,003
Oh, my God.

203
00:09:19,003 --> 00:09:20,683
How dull must your life be?

204
00:09:23,683 --> 00:09:25,083
Come with me.

205
00:09:33,603 --> 00:09:34,763
Sit.

206
00:09:38,283 --> 00:09:40,963
This church has a little surprise.

207
00:09:40,963 --> 00:09:42,363
Smoke?

208
00:09:42,363 --> 00:09:43,643
Yeah.

209
00:09:55,683 --> 00:09:57,003
Ah...

210
00:09:58,243 --> 00:09:59,683
SHE EXHALES

211
00:10:01,043 --> 00:10:03,843
First time I've ever
done this in here.

212
00:10:03,843 --> 00:10:05,763
He didn't approve of smoking.

213
00:10:05,763 --> 00:10:07,363
No, of course he didn't.

214
00:10:08,443 --> 00:10:11,923
That's why I liked hiding them
in his precious little models.

215
00:10:11,923 --> 00:10:15,123
That was a minor act of rebellion.

216
00:10:16,923 --> 00:10:18,163
Oh, don't worry.

217
00:10:18,163 --> 00:10:20,123
I'll, erm... I'll open the windows.

218
00:10:20,123 --> 00:10:21,523
Oh, it's not that.

219
00:10:21,523 --> 00:10:24,003
It's, erm...it's all the...

220
00:10:24,003 --> 00:10:25,883
Hm? Oh, yes.

221
00:10:25,883 --> 00:10:27,403
I do need to change.

222
00:10:27,403 --> 00:10:31,323
Don't worry.
I've no intention of hurting you.

223
00:10:31,323 --> 00:10:34,163
Mind you, I had no intention
of hurting my husband.

224
00:10:34,163 --> 00:10:36,443
It's funny. I, erm...

225
00:10:36,443 --> 00:10:39,083
I really don't remember
what happened.

226
00:10:39,083 --> 00:10:42,163
You stabbed him. 38 times.

227
00:10:42,163 --> 00:10:43,563
Goodness me!

228
00:10:43,563 --> 00:10:45,443
I was cross, wasn't I? Yes.

229
00:10:45,443 --> 00:10:48,003
Five would've been plenty. Hm.

230
00:10:48,003 --> 00:10:50,203
I mean...do you mind me asking?

231
00:10:50,203 --> 00:10:51,763
Hm?

232
00:10:51,763 --> 00:10:53,883
What did he do wrong?

233
00:10:53,883 --> 00:10:55,563
He made models.

234
00:10:55,563 --> 00:10:57,683
No. No, I mean,
why did you kill him?

235
00:10:57,683 --> 00:10:59,923
I know what you meant,
and my answer remains.

236
00:11:02,363 --> 00:11:03,803
I don't understand.

237
00:11:03,803 --> 00:11:05,763
Have you ever had a paper cut?

238
00:11:05,763 --> 00:11:07,523
I don't think I ever have.

239
00:11:07,523 --> 00:11:09,923
But do you know what?
There was a kid I went to school

240
00:11:09,923 --> 00:11:12,283
with who used to give them
to himself on purpose.

241
00:11:12,283 --> 00:11:14,403
A cry for help?
Oh, no. He was just a nutter.

242
00:11:14,403 --> 00:11:17,163
Last time I saw him, he was
riding round town on a dog.

243
00:11:17,163 --> 00:11:19,403
A paper cut is, erm...

244
00:11:19,403 --> 00:11:21,163
It's small.

245
00:11:21,163 --> 00:11:23,243
It isn't life-threatening.

246
00:11:23,243 --> 00:11:25,803
But it really hurts.

247
00:11:25,803 --> 00:11:27,843
It bleeds for a really long time.

248
00:11:29,003 --> 00:11:31,323
And that's what my marriage
was like.

249
00:11:31,323 --> 00:11:34,643
A tiny paper cut...
after tiny paper cut.

250
00:11:34,643 --> 00:11:38,803
Until one day...
well, I decided I'd bled enough.

251
00:11:38,803 --> 00:11:40,363
It was his turn.

252
00:11:40,363 --> 00:11:45,843
I believe the final straw
was the reordering of the fridge.

253
00:11:45,843 --> 00:11:50,443
Eh? Yeah. All of the bottles
rearranged in height order.

254
00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:52,803
It sounds silly, doesn't it?

255
00:11:52,803 --> 00:11:55,123
But I opened the door

256
00:11:55,123 --> 00:11:56,723
and, suddenly, I thought,

257
00:11:56,723 --> 00:12:00,523
"I do not want the juice
at the top and the Yakult

258
00:12:00,523 --> 00:12:02,243
"at the bottom, and..."

259
00:12:04,843 --> 00:12:05,883
Well...

260
00:12:05,883 --> 00:12:07,243
I know what you mean.

261
00:12:07,243 --> 00:12:10,043
My ex, once, she put all the DVDs
in alphabetical order,

262
00:12:10,043 --> 00:12:11,563
and I ran her over with the van.

263
00:12:11,563 --> 00:12:13,523
Did you? No!

264
00:12:13,523 --> 00:12:15,403
Because I'm not a psychopath.

265
00:12:15,403 --> 00:12:17,403
I'm not a psychopath.

266
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:19,603
I'm the treasurer of
the community centre.

267
00:12:19,603 --> 00:12:22,363
Oh, right. Well, as long as
the coffee morning receipts

268
00:12:22,363 --> 00:12:25,123
are in order, who's going to
begrudge you a little bloodbath?

269
00:12:25,123 --> 00:12:27,443
I see.

270
00:12:27,443 --> 00:12:28,483
Upstairs.

271
00:12:28,483 --> 00:12:30,563
I'm not going in the cupboard.
Upstairs!

272
00:12:36,283 --> 00:12:37,683
Right, get in the bathroom.

273
00:12:37,683 --> 00:12:40,083
Was that always an option?

274
00:12:40,083 --> 00:12:42,923
Why did we have to go through
all that cupboard pantomime?

275
00:12:42,923 --> 00:12:45,483
Please, don't be fooled by
my charming demeanour.

276
00:12:45,483 --> 00:12:47,723
I'm on the edge.
I have little time. Get in.

277
00:13:07,123 --> 00:13:08,683
HE STRAINS

278
00:13:08,683 --> 00:13:10,003
Fucking sausages!

279
00:13:11,683 --> 00:13:12,723
Hey!

280
00:13:12,723 --> 00:13:14,163
Psst!

281
00:13:14,163 --> 00:13:16,043
Hey, kid!

282
00:13:16,043 --> 00:13:17,363
Psst!

283
00:13:17,363 --> 00:13:18,963
Mama said I'm not to talk to you.

284
00:13:18,963 --> 00:13:20,603
What? Why?

285
00:13:20,603 --> 00:13:24,083
Because you go around kicking pies
out of people's hands.

286
00:13:24,083 --> 00:13:25,683
Kid, I need your help here!

287
00:13:31,203 --> 00:13:33,643
Oh, my God.

288
00:13:33,643 --> 00:13:36,723
You got a problem? No, no problem!

289
00:13:36,723 --> 00:13:39,003
Listen. Lend me your phone.

290
00:13:39,003 --> 00:13:40,403
I haven't got a phone.

291
00:13:40,403 --> 00:13:42,723
I don't want square eyes,
thank you very much.

292
00:13:42,723 --> 00:13:45,603
Can you go and ask your mum
if she'll...? Erm...

293
00:13:45,603 --> 00:13:48,123
Mum's not going to want to help you,
Mr Pie-Kicker.

294
00:13:48,123 --> 00:13:50,203
That's what I wanted
to talk to her about.

295
00:13:50,203 --> 00:13:53,123
Because of my silly behaviour,
I didn't get to taste her pie.

296
00:13:53,123 --> 00:13:55,643
Delicious pies.
Yeah, yeah, delicious pie!

297
00:13:55,643 --> 00:13:59,163
So, I was wondering if she'd
give me a second chance...

298
00:13:59,163 --> 00:14:00,803
..and bring me another pie?

299
00:14:00,803 --> 00:14:03,363
You'd have to write her a sorry
letter. She's had a letter!

300
00:14:03,363 --> 00:14:05,243
Mum! Oh, hey, hey, hey!

301
00:14:11,723 --> 00:14:13,443
This is all there is.

302
00:14:28,323 --> 00:14:30,043
This is the best I can do.

303
00:14:57,203 --> 00:14:58,403
All done?

304
00:14:58,403 --> 00:14:59,443
Yeah. Nearly.

305
00:14:59,443 --> 00:15:01,323
Erm... I need to use the bathroom.

306
00:15:01,323 --> 00:15:03,243
Oh, yeah. Of course.

307
00:15:03,243 --> 00:15:04,523
Where are you going?

308
00:15:06,083 --> 00:15:07,603
You said you needed to use...
I do.

309
00:15:07,603 --> 00:15:09,403
You're going to have to
stay in here.

310
00:15:09,403 --> 00:15:11,203
Of course.

311
00:15:11,203 --> 00:15:13,763
Of course you're going to
make me watch you have a wee.

312
00:15:13,763 --> 00:15:15,123
Turn around.

313
00:15:16,443 --> 00:15:18,603
It's not a wee I need,
I'm afraid.

314
00:15:18,603 --> 00:15:19,923
What?

315
00:15:19,923 --> 00:15:21,643
No, you can't!

316
00:15:21,643 --> 00:15:23,083
Not while I'm in here.

317
00:15:23,083 --> 00:15:25,763
What, are you under the impression
that women don't?

318
00:15:25,763 --> 00:15:27,723
No, I'm perfectly aware
that women do.

319
00:15:27,723 --> 00:15:30,243
I just don't want to be in
the room when it...comes out.

320
00:15:30,243 --> 00:15:31,283
Well, tough.

321
00:15:31,283 --> 00:15:33,763
I have been dancing to
the tune of man for 35 years.

322
00:15:33,763 --> 00:15:36,763
If I need to defecate, you can just
damn well stand there and listen.

323
00:15:36,763 --> 00:15:38,523
Oh, yeah. Good. Good. You carry on.

324
00:15:38,523 --> 00:15:40,603
Cos this is important, isn't it?

325
00:15:40,603 --> 00:15:42,923
This is like when you won the vote.
Go on!

326
00:15:42,923 --> 00:15:44,363
Poo your way into history.

327
00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:48,003
BREAKS WIND
Oh, for God's sake!

328
00:15:48,003 --> 00:15:50,643
Be quiet! Me be quiet?!

329
00:15:50,643 --> 00:15:52,523
SHE STRAINS

330
00:15:52,523 --> 00:15:53,563
SHE BREAKS WIND

331
00:15:53,563 --> 00:15:55,123
HE CHOKES

332
00:15:55,123 --> 00:15:57,683
BOTH SIGH

333
00:15:57,683 --> 00:15:58,723
SHE STRAINS

334
00:15:58,723 --> 00:16:00,923
Have you considered
this might just be gas?

335
00:16:00,923 --> 00:16:02,043
No, I'm constipated.

336
00:16:02,043 --> 00:16:04,763
It's hardly surprising -
I've been eating corned beef

337
00:16:04,763 --> 00:16:06,163
in the woods for two nights.

338
00:16:06,163 --> 00:16:07,523
That's what it is!

339
00:16:08,963 --> 00:16:10,283
Oh, it's no good.

340
00:16:10,283 --> 00:16:12,403
It's not going to come
while you're in here.

341
00:16:12,403 --> 00:16:13,923
Well, let me go outside, then.

342
00:16:13,923 --> 00:16:15,803
I won't run away, I promise.
You will.

343
00:16:15,803 --> 00:16:19,003
OK, I will run away! But come on!

344
00:16:19,003 --> 00:16:21,883
All right. Stand outside. Go slowly.

345
00:16:21,883 --> 00:16:24,083
But the moment you're outside,
you start talking.

346
00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:27,123
If you stop talking for a second,
I'll start shooting. Fine!

347
00:16:29,283 --> 00:16:30,963
Talk!

348
00:16:30,963 --> 00:16:32,003
What about?

349
00:16:32,003 --> 00:16:33,723
I don't know. Anything.

350
00:16:33,723 --> 00:16:35,323
All right.

351
00:16:35,323 --> 00:16:37,363
There'll be three types
of curry tonight.

352
00:16:37,363 --> 00:16:39,043
There'll be a madras,
and a jalfrezi...

353
00:16:39,043 --> 00:16:41,323
No, not about your curry.
I'm bored of your curry.

354
00:16:41,323 --> 00:16:43,163
God, your world's so fucking small!

355
00:16:44,363 --> 00:16:46,123
I can't think!

356
00:16:46,123 --> 00:16:47,963
Why not? I don't know.

357
00:16:47,963 --> 00:16:50,443
I suppose it's because
I'm being held at gunpoint

358
00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:52,163
by a murderer who's having a shit!

359
00:16:52,163 --> 00:16:54,323
Sing, then. Sing what?

360
00:16:54,323 --> 00:16:56,363
I don't know! It doesn't matter!

361
00:16:56,363 --> 00:16:58,883
HE MUMBLES NERVOUSLY

362
00:16:58,883 --> 00:16:59,923
♪ Why do...

363
00:16:59,923 --> 00:17:02,763
♪ Why do I do just as you say?

364
00:17:02,763 --> 00:17:05,723
♪ Why do I just give you your way?

365
00:17:05,723 --> 00:17:06,963
♪ Why do I sigh?

366
00:17:06,963 --> 00:17:09,963
♪ Why must I try to forget?

367
00:17:09,963 --> 00:17:13,203
♪ It must have been something
that lovers call fate

368
00:17:13,203 --> 00:17:16,803
♪ That kept me saying
I had to wait...

369
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:19,803
SHE HUMS ALONG
♪ I heard them all

370
00:17:19,803 --> 00:17:24,763
♪ Just couldn't fall till we met

371
00:17:24,763 --> 00:17:27,643
SHE HUMS ALONG

372
00:17:29,363 --> 00:17:31,763
♪ It had to be you

373
00:17:33,843 --> 00:17:36,763
♪ I wandered around

374
00:17:36,763 --> 00:17:38,883
♪ Finally found

375
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:42,563
♪ The somebody who

376
00:17:42,563 --> 00:17:45,523
♪ Could make me be true

377
00:17:46,643 --> 00:17:49,563
♪ Could make me be blue

378
00:17:50,843 --> 00:17:53,683
♪ And even be glad

379
00:17:53,683 --> 00:17:55,563
♪ Just to be sad

380
00:17:55,563 --> 00:17:57,723
♪ Thinking of you

381
00:17:58,963 --> 00:18:02,003
♪ Some others I've seen

382
00:18:03,323 --> 00:18:06,523
♪ Might never be mean

383
00:18:07,843 --> 00:18:10,123
BOTH: # Might never be cross

384
00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:12,123
♪ Or try to be boss

385
00:18:12,123 --> 00:18:15,803
♪ But they wouldn't do

386
00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:18,723
♪ For nobody else

387
00:18:18,723 --> 00:18:20,883
♪ Gave me a thrill

388
00:18:20,883 --> 00:18:22,723
♪ With all your faults

389
00:18:22,723 --> 00:18:25,003
♪ I love you still

390
00:18:25,003 --> 00:18:26,883
♪ It had to be you

391
00:18:26,883 --> 00:18:28,883
♪ Wonderful you

392
00:18:28,883 --> 00:18:30,963
♪ It had to be you... ♪

393
00:18:30,963 --> 00:18:32,883
FIREWORKS EXPLODE

394
00:18:32,883 --> 00:18:35,523
THUNDER CRASHES

395
00:18:35,523 --> 00:18:36,763
TOILET FLUSHES

396
00:18:39,083 --> 00:18:40,683
Success? Yes.

397
00:18:40,683 --> 00:18:43,763
But, erm, I'm afraid you're going
to have to get back in there.

398
00:18:43,763 --> 00:18:45,483
That's fine. It's part of the job.

399
00:18:45,483 --> 00:18:48,003
I'm used to odours. Yeah.

400
00:18:48,003 --> 00:18:49,523
HE PANTS

401
00:18:53,203 --> 00:18:54,843
HE SNIFFS

402
00:18:54,843 --> 00:18:56,163
Yeah.

403
00:18:56,163 --> 00:18:57,803
I mean, fair play, that's awful.

404
00:19:02,683 --> 00:19:05,323
LOUD THUDDING

405
00:19:05,323 --> 00:19:07,923
Shh! Be quiet!

406
00:19:07,923 --> 00:19:10,083
LOUD BANGING

407
00:19:11,603 --> 00:19:13,163
I told you to shut up.

408
00:19:13,163 --> 00:19:14,883
GUN COCKS

409
00:19:14,883 --> 00:19:16,123
Oh...piss.

410
00:19:16,123 --> 00:19:18,043
I thought it was weird.

411
00:19:18,043 --> 00:19:21,203
I thought it was weird that you
stabbed him to death when you had

412
00:19:21,203 --> 00:19:22,923
a perfectly good gun in the house.

413
00:19:22,923 --> 00:19:26,203
But this is...
One of his stupid models, yeah.

414
00:19:26,203 --> 00:19:29,603
It's very good. I didn't say
he wasn't good at models.

415
00:19:29,603 --> 00:19:31,283
DOORBELL RINGS

416
00:19:31,283 --> 00:19:33,083
Hello? Hello there?

417
00:19:33,083 --> 00:19:35,403
I got your apology!

418
00:19:35,403 --> 00:19:37,243
I have a pie!

419
00:19:37,243 --> 00:19:39,203
I don't understand.

420
00:19:39,203 --> 00:19:42,163
If he was that bad for
all those years... No.

421
00:19:42,163 --> 00:19:44,283
..why didn't you just...?
No, I know.

422
00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:47,003
I had a chance of pushing him down
a huge flight of stairs

423
00:19:47,003 --> 00:19:49,363
a few years ago,
but chickened out last minute.

424
00:19:49,363 --> 00:19:52,883
No! I don't mean
why didn't you kill him sooner.

425
00:19:52,883 --> 00:19:55,323
I mean, why didn't you
just leave him?

426
00:19:55,323 --> 00:19:59,203
Hello! I've accepted your apology!

427
00:19:59,203 --> 00:20:02,083
Sunk cost fallacy.

428
00:20:02,083 --> 00:20:05,323
What? It's a term I learned
at business school

429
00:20:05,323 --> 00:20:07,363
when I had my own ambitions...

430
00:20:07,363 --> 00:20:09,563
..and before I gave my life to him.

431
00:20:09,563 --> 00:20:10,883
Well, what does it mean?

432
00:20:10,883 --> 00:20:12,523
Hello?

433
00:20:12,523 --> 00:20:14,723
What does it matter?
It's over now.

434
00:20:16,123 --> 00:20:17,563
Do what you need to do.

435
00:20:19,083 --> 00:20:20,963
Anyway...
SHE SCOFFS

436
00:20:20,963 --> 00:20:22,683
..you wouldn't understand.

437
00:20:22,683 --> 00:20:24,603
DOORBELL RINGS
Hello?

438
00:20:24,603 --> 00:20:25,963
HE SIGHS

439
00:20:34,923 --> 00:20:37,003
Ahh!
DISH CLATTERS

440
00:20:42,363 --> 00:20:44,043
Try me.

441
00:20:45,963 --> 00:20:47,403
Can I show you something?

442
00:20:58,603 --> 00:20:59,803
Where are we going?

443
00:20:59,803 --> 00:21:02,483
Have you ever heard of
the Dolomites? Yes, of course.

444
00:21:02,483 --> 00:21:05,123
It's where the castle is
with the man, isn't it?

445
00:21:05,123 --> 00:21:07,243
Yeah. No, 'course you haven't.

446
00:21:07,243 --> 00:21:09,483
It's a mountain range in Italy.

447
00:21:09,483 --> 00:21:11,883
My grandfather,
he was from the region,

448
00:21:11,883 --> 00:21:13,283
and when I was a little girl,

449
00:21:13,283 --> 00:21:16,243
he used to tell me tales
of their beauty.

450
00:21:16,243 --> 00:21:17,963
Crystal-clear lakes.

451
00:21:17,963 --> 00:21:21,563
Air so pure, you'd feel drunk
with every inhalation.

452
00:21:21,563 --> 00:21:23,563
Erm, around every corner,

453
00:21:23,563 --> 00:21:25,683
a more godlike vista.

454
00:21:25,683 --> 00:21:29,243
Anyway, in the months leading up
to my 50th birthday,

455
00:21:29,243 --> 00:21:30,843
I dropped so many hints -

456
00:21:30,843 --> 00:21:33,803
my longing to go there,
to breathe in that air.

457
00:21:33,803 --> 00:21:35,283
I even took Italian lessons.

458
00:21:35,283 --> 00:21:36,723
And...

459
00:21:43,363 --> 00:21:44,843
Oh, God.

460
00:21:47,643 --> 00:21:50,283
HE GASPS
Yeah.

461
00:21:51,563 --> 00:21:53,043
TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS

462
00:21:58,723 --> 00:22:00,083
It took him months.

463
00:22:00,083 --> 00:22:01,523
Barely saw him.

464
00:22:01,523 --> 00:22:03,163
He'd creep into bed at night.

465
00:22:03,163 --> 00:22:05,243
The stench of glue will
haunt me for life.

466
00:22:05,243 --> 00:22:06,843
Well, it's sort of sweet.

467
00:22:06,843 --> 00:22:08,843
He remembered you liked
the Dolomites.

468
00:22:08,843 --> 00:22:11,763
What? Well, it shows
he was listening, doesn't it?

469
00:22:11,763 --> 00:22:13,963
Hey, for my mum's
birthday this year,

470
00:22:13,963 --> 00:22:15,483
my dad bought her a telescope.

471
00:22:15,483 --> 00:22:17,043
She's registered blind.

472
00:22:18,803 --> 00:22:20,883
A lifetime following him around

473
00:22:20,883 --> 00:22:24,123
from model convention
to miniature railway.

474
00:22:24,123 --> 00:22:26,923
And the one chance
that he has to make up

475
00:22:26,923 --> 00:22:29,483
for 35 years of disappointment

476
00:22:29,483 --> 00:22:31,843
and take me to the place
of my dreams...

477
00:22:31,843 --> 00:22:33,443
..and he makes me a model of it?!

478
00:22:34,883 --> 00:22:38,123
No! This is all about him.

479
00:22:38,123 --> 00:22:41,643
And, anyway, I want to live life.

480
00:22:41,643 --> 00:22:46,723
I don't want to stare at
a mini polystyrene version of it.

481
00:22:46,723 --> 00:22:49,003
You married a nerd!

482
00:22:49,003 --> 00:22:51,003
Why did you stay with a nerd?

483
00:22:51,003 --> 00:22:53,323
Sunk cost fallacy, I told you.

484
00:22:53,323 --> 00:22:56,163
If you invest a lifetime
into something,

485
00:22:56,163 --> 00:23:00,083
pulling out means
that lifetime meant nothing.

486
00:23:00,083 --> 00:23:02,523
Fine. Why did you have to stab him?

487
00:23:02,523 --> 00:23:04,363
Because I loved him.

488
00:23:04,363 --> 00:23:05,843
OK.

489
00:23:05,843 --> 00:23:08,483
OK, you're an absolute nut job.

490
00:23:08,483 --> 00:23:09,923
Maybe.

491
00:23:09,923 --> 00:23:12,323
Well, you're not going
to get away with it.

492
00:23:12,323 --> 00:23:14,403
There'll be pictures
of you everywhere.

493
00:23:14,403 --> 00:23:16,723
Oh, I've no intention of
getting away with it.

494
00:23:19,283 --> 00:23:20,563
Tea?

495
00:23:25,443 --> 00:23:26,483
Oh...

496
00:23:26,483 --> 00:23:27,843
Ah!

497
00:23:29,563 --> 00:23:31,403
I think you should turn yourself in.

498
00:23:31,403 --> 00:23:32,803
Oh, I agree. You do?

499
00:23:32,803 --> 00:23:34,443
Oh, yes. Bourbon?

500
00:23:35,883 --> 00:23:38,003
Yeah.

501
00:23:38,003 --> 00:23:40,963
I mean, I could put a pretty
strong argument together

502
00:23:40,963 --> 00:23:42,683
for why I cracked,

503
00:23:42,683 --> 00:23:45,643
but, no, that's not my intention.

504
00:23:45,643 --> 00:23:48,603
I committed an awful crime...

505
00:23:48,603 --> 00:23:51,003
..and I must pay the price.

506
00:23:51,003 --> 00:23:53,603
Fine. So what's with
all the packing, then?

507
00:23:53,603 --> 00:23:57,723
Are they having pool parties
in prison now? Well...

508
00:23:57,723 --> 00:24:00,843
..since he died, I feel amazing.

509
00:24:00,843 --> 00:24:02,883
I see beauty everywhere.

510
00:24:02,883 --> 00:24:04,683
I feel reborn.

511
00:24:04,683 --> 00:24:07,003
So, no, I must go to prison,

512
00:24:07,003 --> 00:24:10,283
I know I must, but before that...

513
00:24:10,283 --> 00:24:12,403
Well, I had wanted to go there.

514
00:24:12,403 --> 00:24:14,083
To go where?

515
00:24:14,083 --> 00:24:15,363
Dolomites!

516
00:24:16,483 --> 00:24:19,483
I wanted to breathe in that air

517
00:24:19,483 --> 00:24:21,083
and swim in those waters,

518
00:24:21,083 --> 00:24:25,323
and feel for once, just once,
I wanted to feel alive.

519
00:24:25,323 --> 00:24:29,643
In the moment -
no past, no future, just alive.

520
00:24:29,643 --> 00:24:33,723
Just two weeks of pure freedom.

521
00:24:33,723 --> 00:24:37,203
Cold gelato. Dry white wine.

522
00:24:37,203 --> 00:24:41,643
Eating lemons directly off the tree.

523
00:24:41,643 --> 00:24:43,803
Oh...yes.

524
00:24:43,803 --> 00:24:45,403
That does sound good.

525
00:24:46,603 --> 00:24:49,523
Apart from the bit about
eating lemons.

526
00:24:49,523 --> 00:24:51,403
Come with me. What?!

527
00:24:51,403 --> 00:24:53,083
Come with me. Oh, you're...

528
00:24:53,083 --> 00:24:54,603
Crazy. Yeah. I know.

529
00:24:54,603 --> 00:24:56,483
Why would you want me
to come with you?

530
00:24:56,483 --> 00:24:58,923
Oh, don't flatter yourself.
You're not my type.

531
00:24:58,923 --> 00:25:00,883
Your life is going nowhere.

532
00:25:00,883 --> 00:25:03,243
You're a single 50-year-old man,
no children,

533
00:25:03,243 --> 00:25:05,363
with a job you tolerate, at best.

534
00:25:05,363 --> 00:25:07,243
I'm very good at my job!

535
00:25:07,243 --> 00:25:10,363
I'm actually seeing
a tattooed milf, so...

536
00:25:10,363 --> 00:25:11,763
Oh...

537
00:25:11,763 --> 00:25:13,123
Oh, God.

538
00:25:13,123 --> 00:25:17,123
Tell me one thing you've got
to look forward to. Just one.

539
00:25:17,123 --> 00:25:19,323
Me and the lads are going
to see Slack Sabbath.

540
00:25:19,323 --> 00:25:22,443
Black Sabbath?
No, they're like them, but...

541
00:25:22,443 --> 00:25:25,083
..they're fat.

542
00:25:25,083 --> 00:25:26,723
Live.

543
00:25:26,723 --> 00:25:28,683
Live for once.

544
00:25:30,483 --> 00:25:32,083
All right.

545
00:25:32,083 --> 00:25:33,443
I will. Sod it.

546
00:25:33,443 --> 00:25:35,523
Really? Yeah. Why not?

547
00:25:35,523 --> 00:25:37,043
The tattooed milf'll keep.

548
00:25:37,043 --> 00:25:38,923
Oh, my God!

549
00:25:38,923 --> 00:25:42,123
Oh, my God. Erm... I'll just
get the rest of my things.

550
00:25:42,123 --> 00:25:43,483
You'll need some clothes.

551
00:25:43,483 --> 00:25:45,443
Shall I, uh, drop you off
at your place?

552
00:25:45,443 --> 00:25:48,123
We'll take my van. They won't have
put a port check on that yet.

553
00:25:48,123 --> 00:25:50,723
Good thinking.
I hope you like vino bianco!

554
00:25:50,723 --> 00:25:51,763
SHE SHRIEKS

555
00:25:51,763 --> 00:25:53,443
I'm more of a beer man.

556
00:25:53,443 --> 00:25:55,763
But those Continental lagers
are delicious!

557
00:26:03,723 --> 00:26:05,403
I'm ready!

558
00:26:05,403 --> 00:26:07,603
I hope we find somewhere
where we can dance.

559
00:26:07,603 --> 00:26:09,363
I'm sure we will.

560
00:26:09,363 --> 00:26:11,123
I bought this for myself.

561
00:26:11,123 --> 00:26:12,603
I never even showed it to him.

562
00:26:13,843 --> 00:26:15,163
It's lovely.

563
00:26:15,163 --> 00:26:16,883
Wait till you see when it's on.

564
00:26:16,883 --> 00:26:18,923
It's lame, so it catches the light.

565
00:26:18,923 --> 00:26:22,123
Fancy. Hm. Isn't it?

566
00:26:22,123 --> 00:26:23,483
Listen, we've got to get going.

567
00:26:23,483 --> 00:26:26,443
The sooner we're on the road,
the safer it is. Yeah.

568
00:26:26,443 --> 00:26:28,843
Sheila, by the way.

569
00:26:28,843 --> 00:26:31,483
Eh? My name.

570
00:26:38,483 --> 00:26:42,683
♪ It had to be you...

571
00:26:46,123 --> 00:26:48,483
Stop! Get down!

572
00:26:48,483 --> 00:26:49,803
Get down!

573
00:26:49,803 --> 00:26:52,443
SHOUTING FADES

574
00:26:54,723 --> 00:26:57,723
♪ I wandered around

575
00:26:57,723 --> 00:27:01,683
♪ And I finally found

576
00:27:01,683 --> 00:27:04,883
♪ The somebody who

577
00:27:08,843 --> 00:27:12,803
♪ Could make me be true

578
00:27:15,043 --> 00:27:19,883
♪ And could make me be blue

579
00:27:22,403 --> 00:27:25,403
♪ And even be glad

580
00:27:27,083 --> 00:27:29,083
♪ Just to be sad

581
00:27:30,403 --> 00:27:34,523
HE SIGHS
♪ Thinking of you

582
00:27:36,643 --> 00:27:40,683
♪ Some others I've seen

583
00:27:43,483 --> 00:27:47,843
♪ Might never be mean

584
00:27:51,203 --> 00:27:55,283
♪ Might never be cross

585
00:27:55,283 --> 00:27:59,163
♪ Or try to be boss

586
00:27:59,163 --> 00:28:01,523
♪ But they wouldn't do... ♪