- [sobbing]
- Hey, roomie. You doing okay, son?
- [sniffs]
I just learned that my life guru is a fraud.
Has that ever happened before?
- You mean the pterodactyl lady?
- Yeah. [breaks wind]
Ow! And my farts hurt.
- Well, that's no fun.
We'll get you on a healthy diet tomorrow morning,
starting with my famous eggnog waffles.
- Ooh, nice!
Hey, is John gonna think it's weird
that I'm living in his old bedroom?
- You mean you haven't told him?
- No.
Uh...I haven't seen him since last Monday.
[dramatic jazz music]
Best of luck with your new partner.
- Ready? - Let's go, partner.
- [revs engine]
Hold me tighter!
Motorcycle! - Ah!
♪ ♪
Uh, Lance?
Lance!
- Shut up. I'm driving my motorcycle.
- Lance, pull over!
- Oh, no. You gotta make a BM?
- What? - It means take a dump.
- Yeah, yeah, no, thank you. I know what it means.
- Get on!
We're gonna be late to our first case.
- Oh, Lance, there is no case. - What?
- I haven't had a case in weeks.
See, I just need David to see that I don't need him.
- But I wanna solve mysteries and hurt people!
- Let me give you some gas money.
- What? - $5--$5?
- What? I took a week off
Ruby Tuesday's for this?
- I didn't ask you to do anything like--
- You owe me $900.
- Wow, you make that much as, what, a busboy?
- Fuck that! Brunch host!
Just try getting seated near the salad bar
without showing Lance the money.
- Okay, but I don't have $900.
- Then I guess you're working for me this week, or else.
- Okay. - Or else I beat you up.
- Yeah, I got it. - Punching your body
with my fists!
Punch, punch, punch, punch, punch.
- Oh, oh, oh, stop it.
[dramatic jazz noir music]
♪ ♪
- I'm banned for life at Doogley's Pet World,
so I need you to get me cat food,
bat food, snake shampoo, and 100 frozen mice.
- Wait, how are we gonna carry all that on a motorcycle?
- Duh!
You're gonna buy me a little red wagon.
- I-I hope this little red wagon
makes your son a little less angry.
- Oh, he is not my son.
- Wait, is that... Lance?
- [laughing maniacally] - Get out of here, Lance!
You know you're banned from my wagon kiosk!
- Motorcycle!
♪ ♪
- [quavers]
- I need wood, nails, and a hammer.
- Uh, okay, why?
- [emphatically] I'm building a ramp for my snake!
- Uh, okay. - Hey!
Don't let Mr. Sutton know you're buying for me,
or he'll ban you too.
I'll stay out of sight.
- Ugh.
Wood, nails, hammer.
Oh, I bet David would like to know
about this sale on cargo shorts,
But--ugh, no. Fuck him.
[cell phone rings]
Hey, Heather. What's up?
Oh, really, are you sure?
[cell phone buzzes] Hang on. I got another call.
Hmm, unknown number. Hello?
- What the fuck are you doing answering an unknown number?
- I--should I hang up?
- No, no! I need to tell you something.
Hurry up!
♪ ♪
- So Heather said my houseboat fire
was caused by a wiring problem. - Who cares?
- Well, that means Kaydee Festermeyer
didn't burn my houseboat down.
- Nobody cares!
- But it does mean my insurance will pay out.
I can rebuild my boat!
- Do you have the money yet?
- Well, no. - So you're still mine.
[low music playing]
- No, Lance, I'm not getting you into a strip club.
- Whoa, whoa!
Gentleman's club.
But that's not why we're here.
♪ ♪
- [growls]
- [quavers]
♪ ♪
- Get as much shit as you can, and the good shit, too.
He won't sell to me. He says I'm too young!
- [growls]
- Oh, God. This is insane.
- It's called self-medication.
And, uh, you know, get a few extra for yourself.
- Ugh.
- Are any of these throwing stars
hypoallergenic?
I have a sensitivity to nickel.
- [grunting]
Pretty dope, huh?
Ninja!
- [sighs]
Ugh.
Lance, this is the fourth strip club parking lot--
- Gentleman's club parking lot!
- Fourth we've been to today.
This is getting kind of bleak.
- Oh, stop your whining,
and Friday, I'll take you somewhere nice.
Yah!
[soft jazz music]
- [slurping loudly]
See? Nice. - [laughs]
"Nice" is not the word that I would choose.
Ugh.
- It reminds me of my dad. - Hmm.
- He was a gentleman. - Oh.
- I think he used to work the door.
Or maybe he was the DJ. My mommy won't say.
- Is your dad deceased?
- How would I know? Do I look like his doctor?
I mean, do you know if your dad is deceased?
- Um, my dad is alive.
- Well, good for him!
- Um, my mom is deceased, if that makes you feel better.
- A little. Was she cool?
- Mm, yes.
- Did she DJ at a gentleman's club?
- My mom used to bring me here when I was young.
This is where I learned to read comic books outdoors.
- Uh, I've been here before, too, I think,
maybe with my dad.
Yeah, yeah, I remember those swings.
Push me, now! - What?
Can't you pump? - You still owe me a day,
but I'm all out of shopping,
so you're my dad now.
- Uh, this doesn't seem healthy.
- Dad for a day.
- Oh, my God.
- Don't make me make you change my diaper, Daddy.
- Ugh.
- Higher! Higher!
Whee! Oh, I'm flying!
Watch me, Day Daddy!
- Lance, be careful!
- [thuds]
- And then she threw me in the hair pit
and told me to apologize,
but I said, "No way, Kaydee. I'm right."
- A hair pit? Aw, sick!
Your job is cooler than I thought, Day Daddy.
- Oh, well, thank you.
[serene music]
- Uh, something's wrong. I feel weird.
- L--Lance, are you okay? What do you mean?
- Like, usually, my brain is really noisy
and I wanna punch something,
like, I don't know, your dumb face,
but right now, I feel quiet inside.
- [laughs] Yeah. That's called contentment.
- Fuck! I hate contentment!
- Oh, Lance, why?
- Because I'm supposed to be angry!
That's who I am!
What if I wake up someday, "content,"
and I'm not Lance anymore,
like that famous loser who turned into a cockroach?
- "The Metamorphosis"? Lance, that wasn't real.
- Then why'd they teach it in school?
- Lance, it was a metaphor,
something that symbolizes something else.
- A metaphor. Whoa, they can do that?
- Lance, even if you stop being angry,
you'll still be Lance.
You just won't be angry.
- You know what? You're right.
- Well, I always am.
- You're also full of shit.
- What? Excuse me?
- You were wrong about that woman
burning your houseboat down.
Why can't you be wrong
about her stealing that trophy, too?
- No, I'm not wrong, Lance. I have a mind palace.
Perfect recall.
That's why I always get it right.
That's who I am.
- Bullshit!
Why can't you take your own advice?
Right? Uh, what'd you say?
Even if you're wrong sometimes, it's okay.
You'll still be John Hunchman.
- But I hate that guy! [echoing]
Being right is the only part of me that I like.
- You know what this is? - Of course.
Cambarus bartonii, the common crayfish,
or crawfish, if you're in Louisiana.
- Wrong again! It's a metaphor for you.
You have this hard shell around you,
but underneath, you're soft and scared,
like this guy,
like me.
- But periodically, a crayfish has to molt,
shed its shell in order to grow.
Lance, I think I'm ready to shed my shell--oh!
[raccoon snarling]
- Is that thing rabid?
[dramatic music]
[raccoon hissing]
[spacey music]
Hello? Hello?
Are you having a coma?
- What is that?
Hmm.
[ominous rumbling]
♪ ♪
[rumbling]
[straining] Why can't I let go?
Ah!
- Ya h! [star thuds]
I chased the raccoon off with my throwing stars.
- I was wrong.
- Not before it ate the metaphor, though.
Wait, what'd you say?
- I--I was wrong.
The raccoon proves it.
- Oh, I'm sorry. Did a butterfly
just whisper something somewhere?
Say it louder.
- Kaydee Festermeyer is innocent.
I was wrong! - Yes, yes!
Now we're getting somewhere. [phone beeps]
Oh, okay. It's 6:00.
You're off the clock. You need a ride somewhere?
- No, I--I think I'm going to walk around
for a while and think.
- Yeah, take this wagon. I don't want it anymore.
I think it might be a metaphor, and it's freaking me out.
- Okay.
I want my dad.
- [growls] If I had known
it was gonna take so long to grow up,
I would've started a lot sooner.
- [laughs] That's not how it works, David.
Growing up is like golf.
- Do you mean if I get good at golf, I'll be a grown-up?
- [laughs] No.
Growing up is like golf because there are no shortcuts.
You have to play every hole,
and if you miss a hole, move on.
You hit one into the water feature,
you let it go.
- Oh! It's a metaphor.
- Actually, I think it might be a simile.
- Fuck!
I'm the stupidest person in the world!
- No, no, it's okay. Forget about that.
Just leave pterodactyl lady behind
in the water feature.
Tomorrow is a whole new, well, hole.
- Huh. Yeah, I like that.
Mr. H, how would you feel about a whole new hug?
Mm!
- [clears throat] May I ask
what in the living fuck is happening?
- Hey, bud!
I was just comforting my roomie.
- My dad is your cool new roommate?
- Oh, my God, dude, he's the best.
- You wanna get in on this hug?
- Bring it in! [breaks wind]
Ow!
- No, thank you. I'm taking my little red wagon
and going downstairs.
[wagon thudding on stairs]
Made in Georgia