1 00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:06,473 - [sobbing] 2 00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:08,642 - Hey, roomie. You doing okay, son? 3 00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:10,711 - [sniffs] 4 00:00:10,744 --> 00:00:14,448 I just learned that my life guru is a fraud. 5 00:00:14,481 --> 00:00:16,483 Has that ever happened before? 6 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,352 - You mean the pterodactyl lady? 7 00:00:18,385 --> 00:00:20,120 - Yeah. [breaks wind] 8 00:00:20,153 --> 00:00:21,388 Ow! And my farts hurt. 9 00:00:22,489 --> 00:00:24,091 - Well, that's no fun. 10 00:00:24,124 --> 00:00:26,527 We'll get you on a healthy diet tomorrow morning, 11 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:30,164 starting with my famous eggnog waffles. 12 00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:32,466 - Ooh, nice! 13 00:00:32,499 --> 00:00:34,268 Hey, is John gonna think it's weird 14 00:00:34,301 --> 00:00:35,669 that I'm living in his old bedroom? 15 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,237 - You mean you haven't told him? 16 00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:38,505 - No. 17 00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:41,175 Uh...I haven't seen him since last Monday. 18 00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:43,243 [dramatic jazz music] 19 00:00:43,277 --> 00:00:45,379 Best of luck with your new partner. 20 00:00:45,412 --> 00:00:47,314 - Ready? - Let's go, partner. 21 00:00:47,347 --> 00:00:49,449 - [revs engine] 22 00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:51,018 Hold me tighter! 23 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,386 Motorcycle! - Ah! 24 00:00:52,419 --> 00:00:55,255 ♪ ♪ 25 00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:56,623 Uh, Lance? 26 00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:58,091 Lance! 27 00:00:58,125 --> 00:00:59,393 - Shut up. I'm driving my motorcycle. 28 00:00:59,426 --> 00:01:01,495 - Lance, pull over! 29 00:01:01,528 --> 00:01:03,363 - Oh, no. You gotta make a BM? 30 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,299 - What? - It means take a dump. 31 00:01:05,332 --> 00:01:07,000 - Yeah, yeah, no, thank you. I know what it means. 32 00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:08,268 - Get on! 33 00:01:08,302 --> 00:01:09,403 We're gonna be late to our first case. 34 00:01:09,436 --> 00:01:11,638 - Oh, Lance, there is no case. - What? 35 00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:13,674 - I haven't had a case in weeks. 36 00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:16,176 See, I just need David to see that I don't need him. 37 00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:18,345 - But I wanna solve mysteries and hurt people! 38 00:01:18,378 --> 00:01:19,546 - Let me give you some gas money. 39 00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:20,781 - What? - $5--$5? 40 00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:22,216 - What? I took a week off 41 00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:23,684 Ruby Tuesday's for this? 42 00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:25,319 - I didn't ask you to do anything like-- 43 00:01:25,352 --> 00:01:28,622 - You owe me $900. 44 00:01:28,655 --> 00:01:31,225 - Wow, you make that much as, what, a busboy? 45 00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:33,160 - Fuck that! Brunch host! 46 00:01:33,193 --> 00:01:34,728 Just try getting seated near the salad bar 47 00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,096 without showing Lance the money. 48 00:01:36,129 --> 00:01:38,465 - Okay, but I don't have $900. 49 00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:42,069 - Then I guess you're working for me this week, or else. 50 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,438 - Okay. - Or else I beat you up. 51 00:01:44,471 --> 00:01:46,507 - Yeah, I got it. - Punching your body 52 00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:48,542 with my fists! 53 00:01:48,575 --> 00:01:49,743 Punch, punch, punch, punch, punch. 54 00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:51,478 - Oh, oh, oh, stop it. 55 00:01:51,512 --> 00:01:54,114 [dramatic jazz noir music] 56 00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:57,417 ♪ ♪ 57 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,186 - I'm banned for life at Doogley's Pet World, 58 00:01:59,219 --> 00:02:00,654 so I need you to get me cat food, 59 00:02:00,687 --> 00:02:03,657 bat food, snake shampoo, and 100 frozen mice. 60 00:02:03,690 --> 00:02:05,325 - Wait, how are we gonna carry all that on a motorcycle? 61 00:02:05,359 --> 00:02:06,627 - Duh! 62 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,128 You're gonna buy me a little red wagon. 63 00:02:09,329 --> 00:02:10,631 - I-I hope this little red wagon 64 00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:12,399 makes your son a little less angry. 65 00:02:12,432 --> 00:02:14,401 - Oh, he is not my son. 66 00:02:14,434 --> 00:02:17,237 - Wait, is that... Lance? 67 00:02:17,271 --> 00:02:19,439 - [laughing maniacally] - Get out of here, Lance! 68 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:22,342 You know you're banned from my wagon kiosk! 69 00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:23,977 - Motorcycle! 70 00:02:26,513 --> 00:02:28,549 ♪ ♪ 71 00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:29,716 - [quavers] 72 00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,420 - I need wood, nails, and a hammer. 73 00:02:33,453 --> 00:02:35,155 - Uh, okay, why? 74 00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:37,758 - [emphatically] I'm building a ramp for my snake! 75 00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:39,459 - Uh, okay. - Hey! 76 00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:41,495 Don't let Mr. Sutton know you're buying for me, 77 00:02:41,528 --> 00:02:43,130 or he'll ban you too. 78 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,299 I'll stay out of sight. 79 00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:47,668 - Ugh. 80 00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:51,171 Wood, nails, hammer. 81 00:02:51,205 --> 00:02:53,207 Oh, I bet David would like to know 82 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,042 about this sale on cargo shorts, 83 00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:56,743 But--ugh, no. Fuck him. 84 00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:58,745 [cell phone rings] 85 00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:00,314 Hey, Heather. What's up? 86 00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:02,282 Oh, really, are you sure? 87 00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:04,284 [cell phone buzzes] Hang on. I got another call. 88 00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:06,687 Hmm, unknown number. Hello? 89 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,122 - What the fuck are you doing answering an unknown number? 90 00:03:09,156 --> 00:03:10,557 - I--should I hang up? 91 00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:12,426 - No, no! I need to tell you something. 92 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:14,394 Hurry up! 93 00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:17,297 ♪ ♪ 94 00:03:17,331 --> 00:03:19,633 - So Heather said my houseboat fire 95 00:03:19,666 --> 00:03:22,035 was caused by a wiring problem. - Who cares? 96 00:03:22,069 --> 00:03:23,537 - Well, that means Kaydee Festermeyer 97 00:03:23,570 --> 00:03:25,072 didn't burn my houseboat down. 98 00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:26,440 - Nobody cares! 99 00:03:26,473 --> 00:03:28,308 - But it does mean my insurance will pay out. 100 00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:29,443 I can rebuild my boat! 101 00:03:29,476 --> 00:03:30,644 - Do you have the money yet? 102 00:03:30,677 --> 00:03:33,747 - Well, no. - So you're still mine. 103 00:03:34,281 --> 00:03:37,084 [low music playing] 104 00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:39,653 - No, Lance, I'm not getting you into a strip club. 105 00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:41,221 - Whoa, whoa! 106 00:03:41,255 --> 00:03:42,589 Gentleman's club. 107 00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:44,057 But that's not why we're here. 108 00:03:44,091 --> 00:03:46,460 ♪ ♪ 109 00:03:46,493 --> 00:03:47,494 - [growls] 110 00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:48,529 - [quavers] 111 00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:53,066 ♪ ♪ 112 00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:55,369 - Get as much shit as you can, and the good shit, too. 113 00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:57,404 He won't sell to me. He says I'm too young! 114 00:03:57,437 --> 00:03:59,139 - [growls] 115 00:03:59,173 --> 00:04:00,507 - Oh, God. This is insane. 116 00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:03,210 - It's called self-medication. 117 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,212 And, uh, you know, get a few extra for yourself. 118 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:08,215 - Ugh. 119 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,516 - Are any of these throwing stars 120 00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:11,318 hypoallergenic? 121 00:04:11,351 --> 00:04:13,353 I have a sensitivity to nickel. 122 00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:17,724 - [grunting] 123 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,293 Pretty dope, huh? 124 00:04:19,326 --> 00:04:20,594 Ninja! 125 00:04:20,627 --> 00:04:22,496 - [sighs] 126 00:04:23,463 --> 00:04:25,032 Ugh. 127 00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:27,100 Lance, this is the fourth strip club parking lot-- 128 00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:29,069 - Gentleman's club parking lot! 129 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,571 - Fourth we've been to today. 130 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,005 This is getting kind of bleak. 131 00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:33,740 - Oh, stop your whining, 132 00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,642 and Friday, I'll take you somewhere nice. 133 00:04:35,676 --> 00:04:37,711 Yah! 134 00:04:37,744 --> 00:04:39,646 [soft jazz music] 135 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,149 - [slurping loudly] 136 00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:45,052 See? Nice. - [laughs] 137 00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:47,387 "Nice" is not the word that I would choose. 138 00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:48,755 Ugh. 139 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,624 - It reminds me of my dad. - Hmm. 140 00:04:50,657 --> 00:04:52,292 - He was a gentleman. - Oh. 141 00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:53,994 - I think he used to work the door. 142 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:56,096 Or maybe he was the DJ. My mommy won't say. 143 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,731 - Is your dad deceased? 144 00:04:57,764 --> 00:05:00,033 - How would I know? Do I look like his doctor? 145 00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,468 I mean, do you know if your dad is deceased? 146 00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:02,736 - Um, my dad is alive. 147 00:05:02,769 --> 00:05:04,671 - Well, good for him! 148 00:05:10,611 --> 00:05:14,414 - Um, my mom is deceased, if that makes you feel better. 149 00:05:14,448 --> 00:05:16,717 - A little. Was she cool? 150 00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:18,418 - Mm, yes. 151 00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:19,987 - Did she DJ at a gentleman's club? 152 00:05:24,424 --> 00:05:26,693 - My mom used to bring me here when I was young. 153 00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:29,229 This is where I learned to read comic books outdoors. 154 00:05:29,263 --> 00:05:31,665 - Uh, I've been here before, too, I think, 155 00:05:31,698 --> 00:05:33,467 maybe with my dad. 156 00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:36,103 Yeah, yeah, I remember those swings. 157 00:05:38,305 --> 00:05:39,606 Push me, now! - What? 158 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,775 Can't you pump? - You still owe me a day, 159 00:05:41,808 --> 00:05:43,277 but I'm all out of shopping, 160 00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:45,179 so you're my dad now. 161 00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:46,446 - Uh, this doesn't seem healthy. 162 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,382 - Dad for a day. 163 00:05:48,415 --> 00:05:49,650 - Oh, my God. 164 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:52,586 - Don't make me make you change my diaper, Daddy. 165 00:05:52,619 --> 00:05:54,688 - Ugh. 166 00:05:54,721 --> 00:05:56,990 - Higher! Higher! 167 00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:59,293 Whee! Oh, I'm flying! 168 00:05:59,326 --> 00:06:01,128 Watch me, Day Daddy! 169 00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:02,429 - Lance, be careful! 170 00:06:02,462 --> 00:06:04,231 - [thuds] 171 00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:07,167 - And then she threw me in the hair pit 172 00:06:07,201 --> 00:06:08,769 and told me to apologize, 173 00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:11,705 but I said, "No way, Kaydee. I'm right." 174 00:06:11,738 --> 00:06:13,707 - A hair pit? Aw, sick! 175 00:06:13,740 --> 00:06:15,742 Your job is cooler than I thought, Day Daddy. 176 00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,678 - Oh, well, thank you. 177 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:20,581 [serene music] 178 00:06:21,348 --> 00:06:23,650 - Uh, something's wrong. I feel weird. 179 00:06:23,684 --> 00:06:25,252 - L--Lance, are you okay? What do you mean? 180 00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:27,321 - Like, usually, my brain is really noisy 181 00:06:27,354 --> 00:06:28,622 and I wanna punch something, 182 00:06:28,655 --> 00:06:30,390 like, I don't know, your dumb face, 183 00:06:30,424 --> 00:06:33,494 but right now, I feel quiet inside. 184 00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:35,729 - [laughs] Yeah. That's called contentment. 185 00:06:35,762 --> 00:06:37,364 - Fuck! I hate contentment! 186 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:38,599 - Oh, Lance, why? 187 00:06:38,632 --> 00:06:40,100 - Because I'm supposed to be angry! 188 00:06:40,133 --> 00:06:41,435 That's who I am! 189 00:06:41,468 --> 00:06:43,570 What if I wake up someday, "content," 190 00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:45,372 and I'm not Lance anymore, 191 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,242 like that famous loser who turned into a cockroach? 192 00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:51,044 - "The Metamorphosis"? Lance, that wasn't real. 193 00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:52,412 - Then why'd they teach it in school? 194 00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,314 - Lance, it was a metaphor, 195 00:06:54,348 --> 00:06:56,450 something that symbolizes something else. 196 00:06:56,483 --> 00:07:00,087 - A metaphor. Whoa, they can do that? 197 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:03,257 - Lance, even if you stop being angry, 198 00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:05,225 you'll still be Lance. 199 00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:08,128 You just won't be angry. 200 00:07:08,162 --> 00:07:10,030 - You know what? You're right. 201 00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:11,565 - Well, I always am. 202 00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:12,766 - You're also full of shit. 203 00:07:12,799 --> 00:07:14,034 - What? Excuse me? 204 00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,302 - You were wrong about that woman 205 00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:16,603 burning your houseboat down. 206 00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:17,738 Why can't you be wrong 207 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:19,339 about her stealing that trophy, too? 208 00:07:19,373 --> 00:07:22,242 - No, I'm not wrong, Lance. I have a mind palace. 209 00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:23,377 Perfect recall. 210 00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:25,345 That's why I always get it right. 211 00:07:25,379 --> 00:07:26,580 That's who I am. 212 00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:27,714 - Bullshit! 213 00:07:27,748 --> 00:07:29,082 Why can't you take your own advice? 214 00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:30,350 Right? Uh, what'd you say? 215 00:07:30,384 --> 00:07:32,553 Even if you're wrong sometimes, it's okay. 216 00:07:32,586 --> 00:07:34,054 You'll still be John Hunchman. 217 00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:36,757 - But I hate that guy! [echoing] 218 00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:42,529 Being right is the only part of me that I like. 219 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:47,067 - You know what this is? - Of course. 220 00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:49,169 Cambarus bartonii, the common crayfish, 221 00:07:49,203 --> 00:07:50,537 or crawfish, if you're in Louisiana. 222 00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:54,141 - Wrong again! It's a metaphor for you. 223 00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:56,343 You have this hard shell around you, 224 00:07:56,376 --> 00:07:59,146 but underneath, you're soft and scared, 225 00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:00,514 like this guy, 226 00:08:00,547 --> 00:08:02,449 like me. 227 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:06,086 - But periodically, a crayfish has to molt, 228 00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:08,455 shed its shell in order to grow. 229 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:11,124 Lance, I think I'm ready to shed my shell--oh! 230 00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,393 [raccoon snarling] 231 00:08:13,427 --> 00:08:14,595 - Is that thing rabid? 232 00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:17,364 [dramatic music] 233 00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:20,100 [raccoon hissing] 234 00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:22,703 [spacey music] 235 00:08:23,537 --> 00:08:26,240 Hello? Hello? 236 00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:29,009 Are you having a coma? 237 00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:31,111 - What is that? 238 00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:32,279 Hmm. 239 00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:34,248 [ominous rumbling] 240 00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:38,585 ♪ ♪ 241 00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:42,689 [rumbling] 242 00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:45,392 [straining] Why can't I let go? 243 00:08:51,465 --> 00:08:53,033 Ah! 244 00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:54,735 - Ya h! [star thuds] 245 00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:57,337 I chased the raccoon off with my throwing stars. 246 00:08:57,371 --> 00:08:58,639 - I was wrong. 247 00:08:58,672 --> 00:09:00,140 - Not before it ate the metaphor, though. 248 00:09:00,174 --> 00:09:01,108 Wait, what'd you say? 249 00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:02,276 - I--I was wrong. 250 00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:03,610 The raccoon proves it. 251 00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:04,678 - Oh, I'm sorry. Did a butterfly 252 00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,213 just whisper something somewhere? 253 00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:07,481 Say it louder. 254 00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:09,149 - Kaydee Festermeyer is innocent. 255 00:09:09,183 --> 00:09:10,551 I was wrong! - Yes, yes! 256 00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:12,653 Now we're getting somewhere. [phone beeps] 257 00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,221 Oh, okay. It's 6:00. 258 00:09:14,254 --> 00:09:15,455 You're off the clock. You need a ride somewhere? 259 00:09:15,489 --> 00:09:17,257 - No, I--I think I'm going to walk around 260 00:09:17,291 --> 00:09:18,759 for a while and think. 261 00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:20,427 - Yeah, take this wagon. I don't want it anymore. 262 00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:22,696 I think it might be a metaphor, and it's freaking me out. 263 00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,498 - Okay. 264 00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,235 I want my dad. 265 00:09:29,636 --> 00:09:31,138 - [growls] If I had known 266 00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:32,506 it was gonna take so long to grow up, 267 00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:34,007 I would've started a lot sooner. 268 00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:37,110 - [laughs] That's not how it works, David. 269 00:09:37,144 --> 00:09:39,313 Growing up is like golf. 270 00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:41,481 - Do you mean if I get good at golf, I'll be a grown-up? 271 00:09:41,515 --> 00:09:43,417 - [laughs] No. 272 00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:46,787 Growing up is like golf because there are no shortcuts. 273 00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:49,189 You have to play every hole, 274 00:09:49,223 --> 00:09:51,091 and if you miss a hole, move on. 275 00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:52,526 You hit one into the water feature, 276 00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:53,627 you let it go. 277 00:09:53,660 --> 00:09:56,063 - Oh! It's a metaphor. 278 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,298 - Actually, I think it might be a simile. 279 00:09:58,332 --> 00:10:00,167 - Fuck! 280 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,102 I'm the stupidest person in the world! 281 00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:03,370 - No, no, it's okay. Forget about that. 282 00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:06,073 Just leave pterodactyl lady behind 283 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,241 in the water feature. 284 00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:10,744 Tomorrow is a whole new, well, hole. 285 00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:13,480 - Huh. Yeah, I like that. 286 00:10:13,514 --> 00:10:19,453 Mr. H, how would you feel about a whole new hug? 287 00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:22,122 Mm! 288 00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:24,591 - [clears throat] May I ask 289 00:10:24,625 --> 00:10:26,160 what in the living fuck is happening? 290 00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:27,327 - Hey, bud! 291 00:10:27,361 --> 00:10:29,196 I was just comforting my roomie. 292 00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:31,165 - My dad is your cool new roommate? 293 00:10:31,198 --> 00:10:33,033 - Oh, my God, dude, he's the best. 294 00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:34,434 - You wanna get in on this hug? 295 00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:35,736 - Bring it in! [breaks wind] 296 00:10:35,769 --> 00:10:37,371 Ow! 297 00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:39,239 - No, thank you. I'm taking my little red wagon 298 00:10:39,273 --> 00:10:42,309 and going downstairs. 299 00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:45,646 [wagon thudding on stairs] 300 00:10:57,224 --> 00:11:00,227 Made in Georgia