[suspenseful music]
- [ominous voice echoes] You are a lost child.
But I have found you.
I am Dr. Marjorie Frost, tenured professor.
[thunder booms]
Are you ready to grow up?
[dramatic music]
Good.
Wait, that is the dumbest tattoo I've ever seen.
Who gets a back tattoo on the front of their body?
- [whimpers]
[screams]
[dramatic jazz noir music]
- Uh, you need to move. This is my booth.
- Uh, this is not your booth. This is my booth.
- Uh, you didn't even eat here
until you asked me to work for you, so...
- [chokes] I did not ask you
to work for me, David. You glommed on to me.
- No, you asked me. If I recall, it went like this:
[as John] Oh well David,
can you please work for me
at my detective agency?
I'm too stupid to drive a car,
and I'm too scared to stand up to the bad guys.
- David, okay, I'm trying to enjoy
my three-mushroom omelet.
So please leave me alone.
- [normal voice] You know what? You leave me alone.
- All right.
[hums]
- [growls]
- Okay, don't worry. I'll be done soon.
In fact, my new partner's picking me up in a few minutes.
- Oh, you got a new partner, huh?
Good for you.
- Yeah, he's a better driver than you are.
He's tougher than you.
And best of all, he's not a bully like you are.
Ah! ow. - Hey booger-eater, let's go.
- Oh, do I have to wear this?
- [laughs]
- What are you laughing at, perv?
- Lance. You hired Lance!
L-O-L!
- Yo, asshole, I can spell.
- I can't wait to hear
about all the mysteries you guys solve,
like the mystery of the guy
who fell off the back of the motorcycle.
- And I can't wait to hear
about all the amazing life goals you achieve
once you finish turning into a pterodactyl.
- Wanna know something?
I actually moved out of my parents' basement,
and I got a new place with a roommate
who's my best friend.
And guess what, John.
We talk about basketball. - Ugh.
- Yeah, it's sports.
It's something that non-weirdos discuss.
I've got a job interview later today, and next weekend,
I'm going to see Dr. Marjorie Frost
in Charlotte.
I did it, John.
[squeaky] I got what I wanted, and I'm flying away with it.
- Well, do you know what I have to say?
- What? - Eff you!
- Eff you!
- "Fufu"?
- Best of luck with your new partner.
- You talkin' shit about me? - No. No.
♪ ♪
- You ready? Hang on tight!
- I'm holding you right... partner.
- Hold me tighter!
Motorcycle! - Ah!
- Imagine having to work for someone you despise.
Well, time for my job interview.
I wonder who I'll be working for.
[downbeat music]
- You got some nerve interviewing here.
You called the Department of Health
on one of my restaurants, you snitch!
- Okay, I can explain, Loafer.
- Loafer? [laughs]
More like "Mr. Toeknuckle."
- Okay, that was my partner, Mr. Toeknuckle,
my--my ex-partner.
- So here you are, looking for work
at the food company started by my great-grandfather
and of which I am now the CEO of it.
My, my, how the tables have turned off.
- Uh... - What?
- Um, I think it's just "how the tables have turned."
- Oh, buddy, you're applying for a job right now.
- Uh-huh. - That's why you're sitting
on the dinky stool
and I make the hiring decisions.
That's why I'm sitting on the BJ throne.
So if I say it's "how the tables have turned off,"
you best believe that's what it is.
- Okay, okay, you're right. - Say it.
Say "how the tables have turned off."
- How the tables... have turned off.
- "How the tables have turned off"
is a normal phrase
that everyone uses all the time.
Say it.
- "How the tables have turned off"
is a normal phrase
that everyone uses all the time.
- Oh, ho, ho! This is gonna be great!
You're hired, you damn idiot.
- What's the job?
- Boxing up snacks in the warehouse.
- Uh-huh. - 3:00 a. m. shift,
minimal wage. - Oh.
- You get two bathroom breaks a month.
Use this for the other times.
Drug tests every week,
and before you ask, cocaine is a drug.
Trust me on that one.
- And what kind of snacks is it?
- Old family specialty.
Here, eat one while I watch.
- Uh-huh.
[anus squelching]
- What's it taste like? I've never had one.
- Uh, like an onion ring, only tighter.
- [laughs] Welcome to the family.
[moody country music]
- ♪ My day begins in the dead of night ♪
♪ I've lost all track of time ♪
♪ But I still clock in to make my pay ♪
♪ 'Cause I need every dime ♪
♪ I'm a fried pork anus boxer just a-working on the line ♪
♪ I deal with assholes every shift ♪
♪ Even though I work alone ♪
♪ Because my job is literally ♪
♪ Boxing pig assholes for distribution ♪
♪ To gas stations across central Carolina ♪
♪ I'm a fried pork anus boxer ♪
♪ I'm a-working on the line ♪
♪ A fried pork anus boxer ♪
♪ I'm a-working on the line ♪
♪ Fuck my life ♪
- [squeals]
[squeaking] Are you excited to see Dr. Frost?
- Yeah, I've been waiting a long time for this.
- Wait a minute.
You haven't found your inner pterodactyl?
- Oh, right.
[squeaking] I'm just a little tired.
I had a long week at work.
[squeaks wearily]
- [clears throat] No disrespect,
but your energy leaves much to be desired.
When's the last time you ate something other than meat?
- [stomach growls] I don't know.
Like, maybe, three weeks ago.
- Aha!
The fruits and vegetables
are probably still in your system.
Here, slam a Frost Bite. - Oh, fuck yeah.
Thank you, man. I need this.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Spell the last name. - Right.
It's David Purefoy, P-U-R--
- Found you! Oh.
Looks like you have a balance due of $80.
- Okay, I was wondering if there's, like, any--
- We can't make exceptions. - Please.
[squeaky voice] I've had a rough week.
- Oh, shit! It's her!
[squeaky voice] It's her! It's her!
It's her! It's her!
[crowd cawing]
- Oh, that never gets old.
I just wanted to come out here before the program
and meet some of my fans
right here in Charleston.
- Charleston? What?
- Are you ready to stop munching leaves
and start soaring free, Charleston?
- Uh, Charlotte.
[all gasp] - Excuse me?
- Oh, jeez.
Um, sorry.
- Oh, that word.
Everyone, what is rule number six?
crowd: Never apologize!
Saying "sorry" is for sorry people!
- Right, okay. It was my bad.
I'm sorry that-- - What?
- I mean, I regret-- - What?
- I mean, I wish that I hadn't--
- What? - I can't even wish?
Okay, please remind me what I'm allowed to do.
- You're allowed to hunt, strive...
[crowd chanting] Build, succeed, exploit,
win, soar.
- Right, okay. - You interrupted me.
- Fuck it.
You know what, Dr. Marjorie Frost?
I did interrupt you
because you're in the biggest city
in North Carolina.
This is the 15th-biggest city
in the United States,
with an incredible skyline.
So I would just ask that you show some respect
because this is Charlotte... [stomach gurgling]
Oh, ugh.
I think I ate too many
dried-up, penis-shaped meat sticks.
- Yes, yes! - What?
- I knew there was a pterodactyl inside you.
What's your name?
- Uh, my name is David Purefoy.
- What do you do for a living, David?
- I--I am a fried pork anus boxer
working on the line.
- Well, today, you are also
my assistant vice tenured professor
of self-pterodactology.
- [quavering] Oh! Oh!
- You're gonna stand on stage with me.
What do you think about that?
- Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Your book has meant so--
- Yeah, Laura will get you sorted out.
- My, my, how the tables have turned off.
It's a normal phrase
that everyone uses all the time, okay?
- Right. Well, congratulations
on being named an assistant vice tenured professor
of self-pterodactology.
- Thank you very much.
- So, along with the balance due,
that'll just be another $2,500.
- What? No, no, no, no.
I'm, like, a special person now.
- I know you are, but the fee for claiming your new status
and joining Dr. Frost on stage
is just $2,500. - [sighs]
- We take cryptocurrency, if that helps.
- Man, I don't have any cryptocurrencies.
I don't know what that is. - Hi!
I was just named... - [stomach gurgling]
- An assistant vice tenured professor
of self-pterodactology. - [distorted laughter]
- May I give you my money?
- Of course! $2,500.
- What? - Awesome.
Is Dogecoin okay?
- Absolutely.
- You know what, man? Eff you.
[yells]
[sighs]
Computer phone,
what is Dr. Marjorie Frost actually a doctor of?
- Marjorie Frost has a master's degree
in paleontology,
the study of prehistoric creatures
that no longer exist
and have no relevance to modern life.
- Ugh, that tracks.
- People who search for "Dr. Marjorie Frost"
also searched for "swindled," "ripped off,"
and "ashamed of myself."
[jazz noir music]
♪ ♪
- Strive, build, succeed,
exploit, win, and soar!
[echoing] Soar!
- [sobs] You're so fucking stupid!
[sobbing]
[knock at door]
- Hey, roomie.
- Hey, Mr. Hunchman.
- You doing okay, son?
Made in Georgia