[pleasant music]
- Let's see how many strawberries
we can pick, okay?
- Mom, look at this one. It's big.
- Honey, that is so great. - Ugh, Mom.
Look, this berry's weird and wet.
- [gasps] Ah!
- Give me the phone, John. - No, I hate this app.
- No, don't you dare delete that app.
- I've had one date in the last month.
It was with someone I already know,
and she said I'm doomed.
- Oh, they always say guys like us are doomed.
- I give up. - No, no.
There's no giving up in this Fiero.
- What? - Besides.
"People who give up become people who gave up."
- Oh. - Dr. Marjorie Frost says that.
- Dr. Marjorie Frost, is she a doctor of tautology?
- If she is, she is.
Look, why don't you think of dates as intel-gathering?
Right? You're a detective.
You go on the date, and you gather clues
to learn how women perceive you.
That sounds fun. - David, look.
If you get us to our appointment without crashing,
I promise you, I won't delete LoveSwipe, okay?
- Let me think... - No, Da--oh.
- Yes, that's fair--let me scratch my chin
and think about--okay. - No, no, no, put your hand--
- I'll shake on it. - What? No, David, steer.
- Shake my hand. - No--
- John, John! We're going to crash!
- We are going to crash.
- No one's hands are on the little wheel.
- [sighs]
- It's fine, I steer with my knees.
[truck honks]
- Whoa, where are we? This is really out there.
- Yeah, it's a farm.
Many farms are located in rural areas nowadays.
[phone chimes]
- [gasps] Someone messaged me on LoveSwipe.
- See? That's why you never give up.
- Wow. Wow, okay. - What'd she say?
- Hmm. - What's she saying?
- Well, she says "You're cool as fudge,
and you actually seem interesting and fun--"
- Cool, interesting, and fun? That's like a Weird Al song.
- [gasps] She's an eyeglasses model.
- A model? Are you serious?
- "And I'm getting a PhD in literary theory."
- Ooh. - Hey, this is my dream girl.
She's outta my league. - Dude, you've got this.
You write her back, you flirt like crazy.
Once you're both in a tizzy, you ask her out
on an incredible date... - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Okay. - Boom!
Grown up sexual man achievement...
- All right. - Unlocked.
[car honks] - Fine.
I'll try flirting with her.
Oh, "as Jorge Luis Borges wrote
in 'The Garden of Forking Paths'--"
- Borges? No, no, no, no. That's boredom.
- No, no, no, no, Borges slaps.
[dramatic jazz noir music]
And, send.
We'll see what intel she gives about me.
- From incel to intel. - All right.
Thank you very much.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Whew, this dew point is killing me.
Are you the investigator I spoke to on the phone?
- Yes, I'm John Hunchman.
This is my associate, David Purefoy.
- Hey, there. I'm Marius Riggsbee.
- Well, we're here to solve your mystery, Mr. Riggsbee.
- I hope you can.
It's been driving me madder than a mulch-lifter
without a plow point. - Mm-hmm.
And I presume that is bad?
[gentle acoustic music]
- My family has been running this farm for 60 years.
You fellas like strawberries?
- Fuck, yeah, we like strawberries.
- I prefer satsumas when they're in season.
- Satsumas? Try these.
- Thank you.
Holy shit. - Good God.
- Marius, this is the most incredible strawberry
I've ever tasted. - Holy fuck!
- We're one of Carolina's best family farms--
and what is wrong with you? - David?
- I would literally kill everyone I know
to eat another strawberry that tastes that good.
- Here you go. - Are you serious, man?
Thank you.
- All right, Mr. Riggsbee, what is your mystery?
- You saw our sign, "wholesome fun for the whole family."
People bring their kids and pick strawberries.
It's really wholesome.
- That's so wholesome it's practically obscene.
- But for the past few months,
guess what we've been finding out here?
Piedmont Poundfish. - Piedmont Poundfish?
- That's farmer slang for condoms.
- Oh, David, no.
- Oh, you think I'm not gonna eat this strawberry
just 'cause it had a used rubber
dripping cum all over it?
Bruh.
- Unlike your boy, most of our customers
are skittish about finding prophylactics in our fields.
- Uh, understandable.
So people are sneaking out here at night for sex?
- That's what I thought.
You know, just some kids enjoying
some late night farm fucking.
We've all done it, right? - Well--
- Man, I once got to fifth base on a pile of acorn squash
with someone. Had bruises for days.
- But here's what's driving me crazy.
I got motion sensor cameras to catch anyone
hopping the fence at night.
No one comes into the field.
- Well, right, we know where they come.
They come into the condoms. - Oh, God.
- And good for them. That's very responsible.
And good for me. That was a very clever joke.
- Ignore him, Mr. Riggsbee, he's talking to his "cameras."
- So every night I think I'm gonna catch kids having sex,
and I don't.
But then the next morning, I got some mom coming up
screaming because their kid found a rubber
in the Fragaria cultivars.
- David, it's stakeout time. - Totally.
- Mr. Riggsbee, we'll find the culprits
and bring them to justice. - Appreciate that.
And I want to make it clear,
I have nothing against farm fucking per se.
- Uh, okay-- - Garden griding.
Getting filthy. It's erotic.
I'm not denying that. - Okay.
- I am 100% in support of people getting
absolutely buck wild in the dirt while they fuck.
- I totally understand you at this point, thank you.
- Just keep your "yogurt bags" away from my berries.
- Oh...
[suspenseful music]
- Do you see anything? - That's a negative.
[phone chimes]
- Ooh, is that your eyeglass model?
What'd she say? What'd she say?
- [chuckles] Let's just say the intel is looking good.
- See?
Before you know it, you'll be ready for love.
What was that? - [gasps] Ugh.
- Whoa. - Eww.
- Okay, that's a used condom.
- Yeah, well-used by the looks of it.
[scoffs] And I don't see anyone.
- Holy shit! Dude, dude! UFO! UFO!
Ancient aliens! Ancient aliens!
Why did you guys build the pyramids?
- No, no, David, stop.
- What are we supposed to do with those pyra--what?
- It's a hot-air balloon. - A what?
- A hot-air--you've never seen a hot-air balloon before?
People ride in them.
- A balloon that people can ride in?
Are you serious? Since when? - 1783.
The Montgolfier brothers at Versailles--
- Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
What are the odds that a hot-air balloon
floats by just as people are having sex
somewhere in this field, and we can't find them?
- Oh, David, don't you get it?
People are in the balloon having sex.
- Wha--
- Detectives, always a pleasure.
- Tucker, we need a piece of gear
that might be hard to get, even for you.
- Call me Frasier. - Why?
- Because I'm listening.
- Look, we need a hot-air balloon.
Now, I know it's a longshot-- - Shh, shh, shh.
[phone dials]
- Hi. - Hi.
Is it okay if my friends borrow your balloon
for the weekend? - [murmuring]
- And your pilot. - [murmuring]
- Thanks. How's Corsica this year?
- [murmuring] - Wonderful.
- [murmuring] - Yes, I'm doing my homework.
- [murmuring] - Bye, Father.
- Oh, that was shockingly easy.
- Wait, what does your dad do, exactly?
- I could tell you, but I'd have to bore you.
- Aren't you a little curious about why we need
a hot-air balloon? - [inhales deeply]
No.
[furtive music]
- Uh, if they don't come soon, I'm gonna need more fuel.
- Oh, they'll be here soon. I can smell it.
[sniffs] Ah, the unmistakable odor of night sex.
- That's propane. - Mm.
- I can't believe you need a pilot's license
to fly this thing. - It's an aircraft.
- Oh, come on, it's a big bag. - You're a big bag.
- Uh, are you flirting with me? - Ew, are you flirting with me?
- Uh, you're flirting with me. - Ew!
- Shh! Be quiet, you two. Observe.
That baske t is rocking, and we're going knocking.
Come on, let's go.
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
[music stops]
Wh--how do we, uh, chase them?
- Well, gotta wait for a breeze because we're in a balloon.
- We don't have time to wait for wind.
Come on, help me pump this basket,
get this balloon moving.
- Don't worry, David, I came prepared.
[speaker screeches] You in the hot-air balloon.
You are trespassing in Farmer Riggsbee's airspace.
- Hey, mind your own business. - Leave us alone, you creeps.
We're sky boning.
- While we applause your responsible use of condoms,
your littering is out of control.
30-plus condoms in 2 months is too much sky boning.
- 30-plus condoms?
- You said this was the first time you'd done this.
- And he's busted. - Babe.
- Take me home. Now.
- [sighs]
We have to wait for a breeze.
- Here's your fee.
It's been a whole week with no condoms out here.
I don't know what you fellas did,
but I sure appreciate it. - It's simple.
I crafted a psychological profile.
- Mm-hmm.
- I realized that the thrill-seeking impulse
that would drive someone to have sex in a balloon
might extend to juggling multiple partners
without their knowledge.
Once the word got out,
our horny balloonist would soon be flying solo.
- Right.
But you know what I still can't figure out?
Why would you make love in the stupid air
when you could be down in the wonderful dirt?
[phone chimes]
- I got a text.
Oh, Giovanna, the eyeglasses model.
- Yeah?
- She's proposed a midnight picnic
at the old Lettuce Head Southern Dolls factory.
Hmm. Is that a good first date?
- Oh, my gosh, that's a wonderful first date.
- All right, well, I guess I have a date then.
- Hey, don't forget the Piedmont Poundfish.
- Yo, that's right, man, bring condoms.
- No-- - Be safe.
- Don't worry, I've got it covered.
I mean, I--I will have it covered.
- Oh, look at this! Look at this energy!
I love it, man. You're gonna kill it.
- Oh, my gosh, a midnight picnic.
Oh, I'll bring egg salad sandwiches,
Those are always great on a date.
- You know what? Do it. I'm behind you 100%.
Bring those egg salad sandwiches.
Get sexy. - And fuck in the dirt.
[sinister music]
♪ ♪
- Hello? Giovanna? It's John Hunchman.
I'm here for our midnight picnic.
[metal clangs]
[distorted evil laughter]
Hello?
- [voice disguised] Did you really think
an eyeglass model would wanna date you?
[mysterious music]
Did you really think anyone would wanna date you?
- I brought egg salad sandwiches.
- No thanks, bud. They make my farts stink.
- What? What are you doing here?
- Well, I guess I'm here to ruin your life.
- Uh, o-okay, I don't get it. Who are you?
- You know. It's me.
- Uh, nope. - Yes, you do know.
Look at my face. You do know me.
And you know what you did.
- No, please, please, I really don't.
I have no clue what you're talking about.
- [laughs]
Wow-ee-zow-ee!
No clue? You're a hoot, you know that?
You really, really make me laugh.
You have to laugh at life sometimes, right, bud?
- Yeah, laugh, ha ha ha.
- Okay, you get a clue then.
Figure it out, great boy detective.
I've got all the time in the world.
- I'm not a boy detective! I'm a grown man.
- Hi, Dad?
Can you pick me up at the doll factory?
I'd ask David, but he's on a date.
[smooth saxophone music]
- Ew.
Made in Georgia