- I have to say, Kendra,
I'm surprised you swiped on my profile.
- Why is that?
- Well, the last time we saw each other,
you placed a berserker revenging spell on my anus.
- How do you know I wasn't flirting?
So tell me about the bees.
- Wait, wait, wait, how do you know about the bees?
- I'm a psychic, remember?
Somebody threw a jar of bees at you, it's obvious.
- Bees.
- Yeah, I don't know who this guy is.
He says, "I know what I did," but I really don't.
I've racked my brain trying to remember.
- You could try hypnosis. - Hypnosis, ha.
That's pseudoscience.
- Bop.
[eerie music]
- [gasps]
- And welcome back.
- Did you just hypnotize me?
- I sure did. - Oh. Well, what did you learn?
- Well, whatever you did, you don't remember.
I searched your entire mind palace.
- Wait a minute. You were in my mind palace?
- Oh, yes, I was.
I liked the room filled with "Doctor Who" trivia.
- Oh, pretty cool, right?
- There's something dorkily sexy about that.
[romantic piano music]
But, no, this would never work.
- Wait, why not? - Because you're doomed.
- I'm what?
- I sense dark forces massing on the horizon.
John Hunchman, you are doomed.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Then Kendra said she had to escape my dark fate aura
before it infected her inner eye.
- Oh, I'm sorry, man.
That sucks when they say stuff like that.
Damn! This house is amazing! Look at this sick house!
What's the case? What are we doing here?
- Well, Taggy gave me a file. - Wassup, Taggy's angels?
- Hey, Taggy! - No.
- So we just -- - No.
It's not a phone, it's not a phone, it's an 8-track.
- Y'all ready for your next case?
Alright, here we go
your clients are Marco and Miriam Sather.
Now he's a consultant/entrepreneur,
she's an entrepreneur/consultant.
Now they would seem to have the perfect life, and they do!
No kids, lots of sex, and tons of money.
- This is the life I want.
- That is until Marco dumped their nest egg
into some weird-ass island I never heard of.
Now they got nothing.
Your job, get their money back.
- "Mammal Island" isn't an actual island,
it's a video game. - We're addicted to it.
- Yeah, we're almost as well-known in there
as we are in Richardsville.
- But we'll lose everything
if you can't find our golden parsnip.
- A golden parsnip?
- It's easier to show you. - Hmm.
[upbeat music]
- Welcome to Mammal Island!
- Okay, wait, why am I a skunk?
- The game assigns an animal
based on your social media profile.
- Whoa, whoa, what the hell is that?
Is that a bad guy?
- David, it's me. I'm an axolotl.
- Oh. - It's a large pale salamander
who lives alone in darkened lakes.
- Okay, that tracks.
- There are no bad guys on Mammal Island,
just a bunch of new friends from all over the world,
living in harmony as equals.
- So all these animals that we're looking at
are actual people out in the real world?
- Yes, of course, David, it's an MMORPG--
a massive multiplayer online role-playing game.
- I got to say, I'm kind of into this.
- Welcome to our humble abode.
- This abode is even sicker than your actual abode.
- Yeah, we worked hard for it.
- We grow parsnips to sell to Paul Platypus
in exchange for Mammalbux.
- Mammalbux, that must be the in-game currency?
- Yeah.
You use Mammalbux to buy seed to grow more parsnips.
- And Paul Platypus,
is that the AI who controls this game's economy?
- Yes, but he's also our cute platypus friend.
- All right, here's the deal,
every now and then, you grow a rare golden parsnip.
- It's worth 500 times a regular parsnip,
but to get it, you have to buy a lot of seed.
- So Miriam and I, we invested
our whole retirement fund into buying seeds.
- Whoa, your real retirement fund?
Real money?
- I'll admit it was risky, but it paid off.
- We grew a golden parsnip!
- Yes, you're a boss.
- Yeah, sell that to Paul Platypus
at peak parsnip price,
we're looking at a return of 250%.
- But someone stole the parsnip from our house,
and if we don't sell it by Friday, it will rot.
- Understood.
So who had access to your abode?
- No one--we upgraded
to the Mammal Island Platinum Platypus Security service.
- Uh, Miriam, we have that brunch.
- Yeah. We got to go.
Here's the guest key, feel free to poke around and investigate.
- Ooh, I can't wait to look around in this house.
This is the kind of place I'm going to get
when we're done with Operation Grow Up.
- Access denied. - What? Huh? Ow!
Ah!
No, wait, ow! My elbow!
My little elbow, I'm a little skunk!
- Oh, those platypuses do not fuck around.
- [speaking nonsense language]
- That's okay, Paul Platypus.
- [speaking nonsense language]
- Wait, a lean-to?
- Shovel.
- Whoa, I owe you 49,000 fucking Mammalbux?
I thought this stuff was a gift.
- Oh yeah, what if I don't feel like paying, Paul?
- David, David, I checked out the house's perimeter.
It's secure, but did you know
that Marco and Miriam have an infinity pool?
And David, they have a hedge maze.
- I don't give two flying fat fucks
about a hedge maze right now.
Look at my piece of shit lean-turd.
- Yeah, that's no good.
- I'm basically an indentured servant in this game.
- Hi, islanders.
I'm Annie Otter.
Do you want to dig rocks with me?
- Uh, no, thank you, Annie.
I'm gonna get into that parsnip market like Marco.
That's how I'm gonna make money.
- Oh, I'm gonna do that too,
once I pay off my student loans.
I got a degree in Mammal Island philosophy,
but there's a hiring freeze at MIU, so...
- Annie, we're trying to find the missing golden parsnip.
- Oh, I heard about that. It's a shame.
Marco and Miriam are so cool.
[suspenseful music]
- Hmm? - That's June Raccoon.
She's a little grumpy. - Mm...
- Hi, Annie! - Guys, this is Nina Bumblebee.
- Hi.
- She sells the best tulips on the island.
- Hello, Nina. I noticed you have wings.
Can you by any chance fly?
- Oh, not really. - Hmm.
- Ahoy there!
- Orville, you got a hang glider!
- Good catch today, enjoy.
- This fucking game.
- I can sell this fish to pay down my student loans.
- Mm-hmm. David, let's take a break.
- So apparently hang gliders are new to the game,
part of the recent upgrade.
And there's speculation, David,
that they can be used to fly over walls.
- Man, they have a whole section of their fridge
just for sushi like what I have for batteries.
- I can't search Orville the Ostrich's house,
but if he's stolen once, he'll do it again.
David, I need you to log back into the game
and tell the islanders that
Marco and Miriam have grown a second golden parsnip.
- Oh, fuck that game. - What?
- Digging rocks to pay off a bunch of debt,
it's like being trapped in a Johnny Cash song.
Just send everyone a Mammal Mail
or something about your fake golden parsnip.
- Oh, Mammal Mail, that's a good idea.
Okay, I'm going back in. - Yeah, you do that.
I'm gonna stay here and snoop around to my heart's content
with no platypuses getting up in my ass.
[suspenseful music]
- It's time.
- Hmm.
Huh? - Hehe, now where is it?
- Ah, gotcha, Orville.
- What? All of them?
- Come on, where is it? - They're all criminals?
What kind of monsters are these animals?
[gasps] What do you want?
And what's with the axe?
Good thing I memorized this hedge maze.
Right, right, left, left.
♪ ♪
[gasps] No, no, no, no!
There is no second golden parsnip!
It was just bait!
- [speaking nonsense language]
- What? Who are you?
- Heads up! Sorry to cut it close.
I had to find my shovel, trade it for a crab catcher,
catch a silver horseshoe crab,
and then use that as collateral for a hang glider loan.
- David, I totally botched it!
I thought there was one thief, but they were all thieves,
and now that beautiful house is on fire!
- Oh, let it burn.
Listen, I've got to show you something.
♪ ♪
- [humming]
Is it time, my love?
- Annie the Otter, you're busted.
- [grunting]
- You see, we were never meant to find the golden parsnip.
Marco gave it to Annie Otter
and was using us to stall for time.
- How did you find out Marco was having an affair?
- Love letters.
Actual, old-fashioned human mail
found through actual, old-fashioned bedroom snooping.
Annie the Otter is someone named Lisa Holly.
- Our interior decorator's social media strategist?
- Hold on, wait a minute,
why was Marco stealing from his own wife?
- Because he's broke! The trust fund is in my name.
- Trust fund?
I thought you made all your money
from consulting and entreprenursing.
- No, it's my great-grandaddy's money.
Mostly from tobacco, a little from asbestos.
- Okay, let me get this straight.
While we were all playing fair, digging these infernal rocks,
you two were cheating the game
by buying your way into a golden parsnip
using money you inherited from cancer?
- That's how wealth works. - [laughs]
Oh, man, what a crazy adventure.
This is the part where we all laugh, right?
Maybe a freeze frame? Watch.
Guys, freeze.
- I never freeze.
- Mr. Tagliano, I need a divorce attorney.
- Oh, right, different mood.
- You what sucks, man?
I thought Marco and I were gonna wind up like brunch bros,
united by the meritocracy of the free market.
And it turns out he was just,
like, a rich, spoiled, cheating asshole.
I mean, what are the odds of that?
- Well, David, you did some pretty good wheeling
and dealing to get that hang glider.
I mean, Dr. Marjorie Frost would be proud, probably.
- That's true, I did rock that hang glider exchange.
Uh, why are you still playing that, though?
- Miriam gave it to me. Didn't want it.
- Are you having fun?
- Um.
No.
[tense music]
♪ ♪
Made in Georgia