You're trying to tell me that these aren't chemtrails?
Wake up, you fucking lemmings! The whole sky is chemtrails.
"Take Charge with Toby."
It's okay, man.
Plenty of people in the same boat, same sad boat.
Just a boat with a bunch of leaks,
drunk captain, children crying.
That's fine.
Today, it could be better.
It's probably not gonna be a great day,
but you're gonna do your best.
You're gonna flap those shitty wings of yours and fly.
Oh, God!
Oh, come on.
Did she take the syrup?
I just can't imagine going through something like this during quarantine.
At least they're not still together; what if he was trapped in that apartment
- with her through all this? - -God, that would've been a nightmare.
Divorce could be the best thing that ever happened to him.
I don't know, he doesn't really handle being alone very well.
Yeah, remember that time they were separated and he started painting
those weird self-portraits?
Oh, God, those things were creepy.
-It's not creepy. -Well, he's gonna have to get his shit together.
We're not going anywhere for a while.
I don't think he's gonna make it.
Don't say that about our fragile birthday boy.
-He's gonna make it. -Oh, I'm an idiot.
-Oh, look, there he is. -Hey, happy birthday, birthday boy.
- Happy birthday. - Oh, birthday boy!
Good God, Wes, your hair looks awful.
What? I'm just letting it fly, let it all hang loose.
It kind of makes me feel like one of the Golden Girls.
What did you do to the side of your head?
Oh, I... I cut it myself. I faded it. Look at that fade.
That's not a fade. I don't know what you've done to your head.
All right.
So I'm not gonna make it, huh?
-I didn't say that. -Come on, man.
Look, we all know that you're gonna be fine.
Hey, look, you're already off to a great start.
You're eating waffles for lunch.
-What a sad bachelor lunch. -How are you holding up, buddy?
You know, I'm doing all right.
Courtney took Iggy Pup, but she left the bowl I got him,
so that was a cute little reminder.
I don't have the heart to throw it away, so now I just stare at it all day.
So, yeah, things are great.
Oh, Wes.
Eh, it's fine. How are you guys doing?
I feel like I'm going crazy.
I read Bette Midler's biography over the weekend.
Well, hey, hey, speaking of crazy, Wes,
thank you for turning me on to your friend Toby.
It is the best free entertainment.
That guy is out of his fucking mind.
What did he do now?
Right now he's telling his audience
to buy urine filtration systems
so they can drink their own piss,
because apparently there's gonna be some big water shortage.
Yep. Honestly, it's pretty convincing stuff.
I... I Googled urine filtration systems.
-Jesus Christ. -Who the fuck are you talking about?
My old friend, Toby.
We were good buddies in middle school
back when I lived in Arizona, and now he's got
this crazy doomsday prepper survivalist YouTube page.
He's completely lost his mind.
How are you a survivalist and also named Toby?
No clue, but he's got, like, 130,000 YouTube subscribers
and, like, 200,000 Twitter followers.
He's... he's pretty popular.
Hmm. That's good someone like this has power. Our country's fucked.
Yeah, well, I don't know if that kind of fame is worth it.
Some of his fans are saying he's gone missing,
and I wouldn't be shocked if one of them was responsible.
-Wait, what? -Yeah, apparently he didn't post an episode this week
and he never misses an episode.
So all these people are coming up with all these reasons
for why he missed it.
And the consensus seems to be
that he went missing. He disappeared.
Why are you friends with this guy?
-Wes? -What?
-Birthday boy? -I'm sorry, guys.
Courtney won't leave me alone.
I actually might have to hop off here soon.
Social distance her, Wes.
-Way more than six feet. -What's going on?
She just lawyered up and now she's trying to take everything.
I cannot believe she is texting you
on your shitty quarantine birthday.
And yet she is.
Sorry, guys. Thanks for doing this, but I gotta run.
-Bye, stupid. -Reach out if you need anything.
Don't go missing too.
All right, bye.
When you are bitten by a rattlesnake, do not panic.
All you have to do is cut off all your hair
because the venom flows right through it.
See? I can already feel the venom leaving my body. Goodbye, poison.
What happened to you, man?
Mm. That's some pretty fresh bear shit right there.
Now, you know what that means.
There must be some armadillos afoot.
Now typically, armadillos eat on small vertebrates, plants and fruits,
but in a pinch, they will dine on some bear feces.
And here's a little Toby tip for you.
Armadillos make for some good eating due to their lean meat.
You can make a casserole out of it
and feed off of it for a good six weeks.
And that's a Toby promise.
Me personally, I never know who's out to get me.
That leads me to a good point:
- always assume everyone's out to get you.
It's a safe way to live.
That's why I'm always working on my perimeter.
See that?
Immobilized.
- And that's how you get away from a rattlesnake.
- And that is how you successfully remove
the microchips from your eyes.
You can't fool me, Uncle Sam.
I once was blind, but now I smell the fluoride.
Shit. Man, you're calling late.
Dude, I've been doing a deep dive in your boy Toby.
-Oh, man, I have too. -How great is it that he went missing?
We finally have something to do now.
I mean, I wouldn't say it's great that he went missing.
I'm just saying that I wouldn't give a damn if it weren't for quarantine.
I'm so bored that I've completed TV and porn, like, all of it,
even the weird shit.
Dude. The theories
from his crazy-ass followers
about where he might be are nuts.
-Yeah, I was reading some of those. -They're all over the place.
Some are saying that he's going after the government.
Others are saying that the government is going after him.
And they are serious about this shit.
Some guy said...
"Randy Quaid's got him in his basement."
-What do you think happened to him? -I have no idea.
I just sent him a message on Facebook.
I was thinking of calling him, but I don't know.
It might be a little weird after all this time.
-Dude, you have to call him. -What am I supposed to say?
"Hey, man, I know it's been 20 years,
but, uh, I heard that you might've gone missing
from a bunch of crazy people online."
Yes, yes, that's exactly what you say. You say exactly that.
We get on a three-way call, and I'll just stay quiet. I have to hear this.
-I don't know, man. -Come on, man.
Let's solve this mystery.
Or you could just go back to staring
at that sad dog bowl all day.
-That's messed up. -This will be good for you.
It'll help you get over that demon.
All right, fine.
Toby here. Can't receive your transmission at the moment.
Do you copy?
-Damn. -Yes, straight to voicemail!
The mystery continues.
Yeah, or he could just be asleep like a normal person.
Or he could be dead for all we know.
He's been missing for 48 hours.
-Oh, shit, it's been that long? -Yeah, dude.
So do you wanna go down this rabbit hole with me or what?
I don't know, man. I got-- I got a lot of shit going on with my divorce.
Exactly. Why deal with your emotions when you can go on a manhunt?
Yeah, I guess you're right.
All right, so how the hell are we supposed to solve a missing person's case
when we can't even leave our apartments?
I thought you'd never ask.
So I combed through all of his comments
and it looks like the last person he was in contact with
was this guy who sold him a urine filtration system.
So I think that we get ahold of this urine guy
and then we go from there. But that's where we start.
We start with urine guy.
Sure, that seems like a perfectly logical first step.
So, um... how the hell do we get ahold of this guy?
Oh, I already have all of his info. I was messaging with him earlier.
Of course you were. So should we just call him in the morning or something?
No, fuck that.
We're gonna FaceTime him tonight.
Uh, I don't know. It's kind of late to be calling anyone.
A little late to be calling a guy who filters his own urine?
These are probably his prime operating hours.
Good point. Is it possible to do a three-way FaceTime call?
Oh, my God, you're such a boomer sometimes.
Of course it's possible to do a three-way FaceTime call.
I-- Come on, how do you not know that? I--
Yes, I'll just take care of that and then you just sit tight.
I'll get urine guy on the FaceTime.
God damn it, what am I doing with my life?
No wonder Courtney left me.
Oh, hey there. Hey, man.
Um, hi, this is Luke.
I was the guy messaging with you earlier.
I'm on here with my buddy, Wes.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. -Hey, man, thanks for talking to us.
Hey, my pleasure, guys. How's it going?
So if you guys are in-- in the market for a...
a little-- a little urine filtration system?
I'm-- I'm... I'm the guy, I'm the urine guy.
Oh, no, no, no. No, we're good on that.
-What-- Are you sure? -Yeah, pretty sure.
Because, you know, your urine
is like the greatest compound ever.
You know, like, it's-- it's clean, sterile,
and it's-- it's, um, natural and it's-- it's bacteria free.
It's virus free, fungus free.
That's all of them. And my filtration systems are the best systems.
They're even better than the ones that they have at NASA.
Actually, you know, NASA stole my patent.
Oh, sorry to hear about that.
No, it's no... I'm over it now.
I mean, what are you gonna do? It's fucking NASA, man. NASA.
But anyway, uh, we're actually looking for our missing friend.
His name is Toby Blackwood.
I mean, lookit, man, he's a really great guy.
He's one of my biggest supporters, okay? this is what I remember about it, he's...
um... He bought five urine filtration systems,
and he said he was gonna give them to the needy
who needed clean,
uh, drinking urine for the holidays.
So, I mean, he's a really generous guy.
That's probably worth something, right?
No. What about anything strange in regard to his actual disappearance?
You know, I mean, he talked a little bit about mind control,
but that's kind of par for the course with my clients.
Come on, Larry. Larry, think about it.
Think about it.
I can't...
I can't think of anything, guys.
I really wish I could help you guys out.
Oh. No, thanks. It's fine.
Do you have any need-- urine needs, urine filtration needs?
Lookit, we're doing a flash sale over here--
Yeah...
Enough of that.
Yo?
Holy shit, that was even weirder than I expected.
Hey, this was your idea, buddy.
If he's actually missing, shouldn't we just call the cops?
Thought about that, but some of his videos are him with all his guns.
Like, the most guns.
Like-- and that fuckin' flamethrower.
There is no way those things are all legal,
and that's just the shit he's showing us.
Oh, Jesus, you're right.
Yeah.
Well, listen, he's got 132,467 subscribers.
So let's just divvy it up and start at the top, yeah?
Sure, 132,000 insane people. No problem.
- Yeah. - All right, man.
Uh, I-- I gotta get some sleep.
The urine guy kind of took a lot out of me.
All right, buddy, you get some rest.
I'll just be here thinking about that fucking lunatic
and what he might be doing.
I could do this till the end of time.
Fuck.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, for fuck's sake, Luke, what are you getting us into?
-Hello? -Hey, Randy.
Thanks for, uh, agreeing to FaceTime with me.
Yeah, yeah. No problem.
I was just messaging with BigfootMamma42.
You'd be amazed how many babes you can meet in the comment section
at Toby's YouTube page.
Oh, yeah, no, I'm sure there are lots of single people on there.
So I gotta ask you, is Midnight your real last name?
In seven states it is.
Wow.
That is truly the saddest thing I've ever heard, Janice.
Uh, my friend, Wes,
he just got out of a rocky marriage himself.
He's the one I'm conducting this mission with.
What mission?
We're looking for our friend, Toby.
That's-- That's why I called you, you remember?
Toby goes on lots of missions. You guys should team up.
Yeah, well, yeah-- Well, yeah, we would love to do that,
but we need to find him first in order to do that.
You should find him. He'd be perfect for your mission.
-So you think Toby was abducted? -I do, yes. That is correct.
-Well, who did it? -Toby did.
So Toby staged his own kidnapping?
No, no, Toby kidnapped Toby.
Titanic was an inside job.
Like, everybody knows that
Benjamin Guggenheim and Isa Straus
and John Jacob Blackwood, who were on the boat,
are also, you know--
they were also against the US Federal Reserve.
Scores of people remember very clearly
Nelson Mandela dying in prison in the 1980s.
And there is-- there are lots and lots of these misrememberances that occur.
You know, like, for instance,
-I-- I myself remember a fifth Beatle called Trevor. -Trevor?
-The chemtrails, bro. -Right, why would they be doing this?
There's a million reasons, my man.
Mind manipulation,
population control,
and so that they can create a meat shortage.
-Meat shortages? -Bro, please don't even get me started, okay?
My blood pressure's running a little high today.
My mother just moved in...
and a damn Romanian, Maureen, who the fuck knows who she is.
-Are you wearing a wire? Are you wearing a wire? -What?
No, why would I be wearing a wire?
Pull up your shirt or I'm not gonna tell you where Toby is.
These false remembrances are actually echoes
of events that occurred in an alternate reality.
Donald Newnan was killed
because he was about to, yet again, yet again,
prove the flat Earth theory.
Toby went to find his body,
retrieve his body
before the government could get to it first.
Because once they get to it, then...
Look, everything that's going on around here is a distraction.
So then Anthony Lavender, convenient,
he gets hired by the Illuminati to sink the Titanic.
So Toby, naturally,
wants to avenge the death of the-- of his great-grandfather
by killing the great-grandson of Anthony Lavender.
All the way up. All the way up, nips to navel.
A little higher.
Good. Good. Now give me a little twirl.
Yeah.
Did you just take a picture?
Huh, what? No, that's my, uh, ringtone.
Of all this fucking mind manipulation shit that's going on,
I can't even trust what I'm saying, man.
I can't even trust what I'm saying to you right now
because I don't know if I'm saying it
or if the fucking government's saying it.
You don't think that the lizard people are behind the shadow government,
is that what's next?
Not only is global warming a hoax,
it goes one step further.
Weather is a hoax.
You might wanna start with the tunnels, okay?
The Thule Society, the Hollow Earth,
monoatomic gold, they're mining it right now.
It's the Reptilians. It's always been the Reptilians,
Anunnakee, Anunnaki, whatever.
Space Reptiles, they manipulate the moon to control our thoughts.
They control everything.
Look into Tom Hanks, Pat Sajak.
Adrenochrome, harvested from children for many years.
Their adrenal glands pump out their life blood
and lets them be immortal.
"Highlander, there can be only one."
You have to put the pieces together.
Who's Toby?
Toby has entered this alternate dimension
with the sole intention of kidnapping his other self
and then using his counterpart as a resource
or even a means of remedying the disastrous 2020 that we're having here.
'Cause I've had shit implanted into my DNA also.
You find Dean Koontz, you find Toby Blackwood.
Well, you might not wanna hear this,
but the real Anderson Cooper is after him
'cause he got his hands on the Da Vinci Codes.
And how did you arrive at this conclusion?
-Just do the research. -You just gotta do the research.
-Have you ever been to Kansas City?
-Uh, yeah. -Well, there you go.
-What does that mean? -What doesn't it mean?
Anyway, I think I've probably given you enough
of a steer in the right direction.
I shall leave you now.
-Uh, you take care, all right? -No, you take care.
Okay, we can both take care. Bye.
Don't go.
-Good news, mystery solved. -What, already?
Yep, Dean Koontz apparently saw this coming
and he's the mastermind behind it all.
International bestseller Dean Koontz?
No, I'm being facetious. We're fucked.
Yeah, some guy told me that Toby went to find
the body of a flat earther.
And a Randy Midnight told me that the Chechens have him,
so I definitely feel like I've been concussed.
Jesus.
What about the girlfriend, anything?
-I left a voicemail. -Oh.
So, uh, what do we do next?
-Fuck. -What?
Mike's texting me. He's wondering where we are.
I'm sick of these Zoom happy-hour things.
Yeah, I'm kind of getting into this "Hardy Boys" shit, even though my brain hurts.
What are you doing?
Uh, nothing. I'll, uh... I'll talk-- I'll see you later.
What I don't understand is why you haven't reached out to the cops yet.
Because Toby is basically like a one-man militia.
He has a flamethrower, for God's sake.
Ooh, I'd like a flamethrower.
That would keep people six feet away.
This might be a odd question, but...
have you reached out to any of his family members?
Well, we didn't do that yet because we didn't want to alarm his mother
since it hasn't been confirmed that he's actually gone missing yet.
But... now it'd probably be a good time to alarm her.
Yeah, I guess they could probably provide
a little more insight than a man named Randy Midnight.
Wes, do you think we should contact his mother?
I mean, yeah, it's probably a good idea. What do you guys think?
Yeah, I would say reaching out to family members
versus random insane people on the internet
is probably a good idea.
But I-- I'm not a detective, not like you guys, so...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, we actually have some really solid leads.
Yeah, like his mother, which we just gave to you.
Exactly, we know how to get that information out of you.
If Toby's crazy, then what's his mom gonna be like?
She's fine, shut up. I shouldn't let you be on this call.
- I'm just saying the apple doesn't fall far, is all. - -Hello?
Hi, is this Mrs. Blackwood?
- Speaking. -I'm not sure if you remember me.
This is, uh, Wes Crowley. I used to hang around with Toby back in middle school.
Oh, yes, the albino boy.
Uh, I am quite pale, but I think you might be thinking of somebody else.
Toby and I used to skateboard together.
Oh, I'm sorry, dear, I only remember the albino boy.
Well, he was a real firecracker.
Well, that's... that's okay.
Um, I just wanna ask a few questions if that's all right with you?
Well, if this is about
the heartworm medicine for Clementine,
Susan down at the vet is already on top of it.
Poor Susan, they really overwork her down there.
That's why I try to bring her a nice meal every now and then.
You know, I brought her some dumplings from The Great Wall
and she seemed to really like that,
- but I'll let you in on a little secret...
...the dumplings aren't even the best thing on the menu.
For Christ's sakes, nobody's looking for an albino boy,
nor do we care about Susan's fixation with dumplings!
We're just looking for your missing son!
Damn it, Luke, I told you not to say anything.
I'm sorry, I just couldn't handle it anymore.
I-- I'm sorry, Mrs. Blackwood, don't mind him.
Um... what I was trying to ask you is, um,
well, we're just a little concerned about Toby
and, uh, we're wondering if you might know where he is.
Oh, I-- I never know with him.
He's always out playing in the woods,
so he's got a wild imagination.
You can say that again.
When was the last time you saw Toby?
Well, I believe it was the day I crashed
my station wagon into the post office.
You-- You did what?
And, uh, what was that conversation like?
Well, the people at the post office
did not appreciate that one bit.
We don't give a shit about the post office!
Aren't you concerned about your son?
No! He doesn't work there.
Okay, I'm done.
Thank you for all your help, Mrs. Blackwood.
Um, if we have any other questions, we'll-- we'll be sure to reach out again.
Um, you take care, okay?
Wow.
Yo.
Sorry, man, I couldn't handle any more of that nonsense.
Doesn't he have any normal relatives?
I messaged his sister on Facebook and told her to give me a call.
- Anyone else? -Well, he had these cousins that were always around.
-What's their name? -The Balducci brothers.
Vinny and, uh, Paul.
I think I got their numbers.
How the hell did you do that so fast?
Dude, all of our stuff is out there.
-It's messed up. -That's not good.
All right, so since they know you,
you should send them a text saying
that you wanna jump onto a FaceTime, and then go from there.
Why the fuck would they wanna hop on a FaceTime with me right now?
Because their cousin is missing and they haven't spoken to you for years.
- Here, I'm texting you their numbers right now. - Fine.
Please, God, don't let these cousins be fucking idiots
like every single other person we've talked to.
We don't hear from you in 20 years and this is how you come to us,
asking about our missing cousin?!
We used to be friends, Wes, you fuck!
You got some fucking nerve, Wes,
accusing us of killing our own cousin!
We didn't even know he was missing!
Whoa, guys, I don't know what's going on here. I never said anyone killed him.
Just because our family business ended in bloodshed,
that don't mean that me and Vinny are tied to it.
We haven't even talked to him since the incident.
Wait, what are you guys talking about? What incident?
Ah, here we go, "What incident?"
Like you don't remember, you don't know?
What happened? I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, come on, man. Our father killed Toby's father.
-Wait, what? -Toby's father was married to our father's sister.
They helped run Balducci's, that Italian restaurant that our grandfather built.
Best Italian food in all of Kunkle.
Yeah, I remember. We used to go there all the time.
Yeah, that's right, everybody loved it.
Beautiful family restaurant.
We even used to sing there, for Christ's sakes.
-Oh, I-- I didn't know that. -No, you wouldn't know that, Wes.
We didn't go fucking announcing it on the loudspeaker.
Plus, it was during the Early Bird special.
And even though Toby's dad's last name was Blackwood,
our father was gracious enough to still give the guy a job in the kitchen.
But his father was such a fucking degenerate, he owed money all over town.
So when he didn't have money for his bookie,
the bookie showed up at the restaurant
and he made one of the worst mistakes humanly imaginable.
He gave away the family fucking secret recipe
to our veal scallopini.
That motherfucker.
Oh, wow, so that's a no-no?
A no-no? Are you fucking kidding me?! A no-no, Wes?!
Our father shot him right in the fucking face.
Yeah, I would say that's a pretty big fucking no-no, no?
Oh, shit.
Ironically though, the degenerate
was on his lunch break eating a fucking veal scallopini.
Yeah, we were right in the middle of our rendition of "Oh, Marie."
To this day, Wes, me and my brother,
we still can't listen to Louis Prima.
We were just kid crooners at the time with our whole lives ahead of us
until that piece of shit took it away.
We have never spoken to Toby or anybody
on that side of the family since Daddy got sent away.
Again, guys, I-- I didn't know any of that.
I-- I was just wondering if you've seen him around or something.
Nah, Wes, we haven't seen him since March 7th of '99.
I-- I'm so sorry this happened to you guys. I had-- I had no idea.
Yeah. Yeah, well, we're all sorry.
Look, man, Wes, even though we haven't talked to him in a long time,
I guess Paul and I...
don't really wanna see anything bad happen to him, you know?
Well, if I hear anything, I'll be sure to let you guys know.
Take care of yourself, all right?
Take a bath, you're starting to look like a real fucking lowlife.
Oh, yeah, thanks. I will.
-I'll talk to you later. -Bye.
I can't imagine either of those guys joyously singing,
but I think we found our first two suspects.
I don't know, man. I don't think these guys
have the ability to hide their emotions if they did it.
Well, they definitely have more motive than any of the morons we've talked to.
Dude, these guys aren't murderers.
Oh, yeah, they seemed real calm.
Just a couple of calm guys.
Paul and Vinny, now on my suspect wall.
God, I've always wanted to build one of these.
It always seems to help them in the movies.
Oh, totally. Plus, they look really cool.
All right, so who's this Oscar guy you sent over earlier today?
Ah, he's, uh, his nearest neighbor,
which wasn't easy to find, by the way.
But, uh, I figured he could pop over there and see if anything was fishy.
Oh, this should go great, sending a stranger
over to a gun-toting missing neighbor's house to see if he's still alive.
Well, theoretically, this is the most straightforward thing we've done so far.
The only straightforward thing so far is that nothing has gone straightforward so far.
Which is why I told Oscar that we were both journalists for the East Valley Examiner
and thought maybe we could get onto a Zoom call
to discuss the disappearance of Toby Blackwood.
-Why do we need to lie to this guy? -Because he's a priest.
We need to seem as credible as possible.
-Are you ready to do this or what? -Oh, yeah, sure.
Let's, uh, lie to a priest and tell him we're journalists.
Maybe, uh, ditch the bathrobe and put on some pants?
So... no more meth-fueled orgies for me.
And that's when I decided to join the priesthood.
-Wait, you no longer live near Toby? -Nope, I don't.
My mother does. I live in the clergy house full-time.
Got it. So when was the last time you saw Toby?
Well... Let's see.
Uh...
It was probably a couple Sundays ago
when I brought my mom a care package after Sunday mass, yeah.
He asked if I wanted to do some target practice for one of his videos.
He said it'd get some YouTube hits.
Although I was a little worried about the optics.
Did you notice anything weird?
You mean besides the fact that he was wearing face paint,
firing a semi-automatic weapon at rubber alien dolls
while blasting Pat Benatar?
Uh, yeah.
No.
Well, would you be willing
to perhaps swing by Toby's house
to see if anything's out of the ordinary?
Uh... "ordinary," obviously, being a loose term here.
Ah, wha...
I was gonna go to my mom's later, so,
yeah, I guess I can.
Thank you, Father. Thank you very much.
And you have my phone number, so if you could FaceTime us
when you get to the house, that would be really great.
Just so we could get the full scoop.
For our story.
I guess I could do that...
...even though it seems unsafe
for a number of reasons.
It's fine.
Uh, great. Thank you, Father. We'll-- we'll talk soon.
God be with you, Father.
-Dude, Toby's girlfriend's calling me. -Answer it.
- Hello? - Oh, hey.
Uh, are you the guy who called?
Uh, yeah, I'm Wes Crowley.
Uh, I'm an old friend of Toby's.
Just a little worried about, uh, where he might be,
and, uh, I heard you were dating him, so...
So, sorry, how do you know him?
We were good buddies in middle school, actually.
He's never mentioned you before.
Uh, yeah, I moved, so Toby and I kind of trailed off,
which was too bad.
Sorry to be so skeptical,
it's just Toby's got a lot of crazy fans
and I just had to make sure you weren't a stalker.
Yeah, you don't have to worry about that, trust me.
Um, so have you talked to Toby since the disappearance?
Toby didn't disappear.
It's just those YouTube trolls starting rumors.
-What do you mean? -Toby is on his way to Seattle, Washington.
Why's he going to Seattle?
To get Bill Gates.
Ah, um...
Sorry, I don't follow.
Well... okay,
it's pretty common knowledge that Bill Gates
started this pandemic to profit from a vaccine
that'll contain a microchip
that'll track our every single move and our personal data,
which he will then sell to the highest bidder.
So Toby is going to find Bill Gates
and force him to set the record straight on his YouTube page.
Oh, wow, um, a-and you know this for a fact?
Yeah. He left a few days ago, so he should be there by now.
Have you talked to him since he left?
No, he didn't wanna make any phone calls and leave a trail.
He was very adamant about staying off the grid.
I mean, you know Toby.
So you're absolutely sure he's going there?
Yep, I'm totally sure.
And he's got everything under control, as always.
You got nothing to worry about, though,
but I'm just... I'm just so proud of him.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Me too, that's, uh, that's pretty neat.
Um, well, can you let me know if you hear from him?
Oh, yeah, no problem.
Uh, well, you take care now.
Okay. You too. Don't get vaccinated.
Oh, uh... no, I won't.
-Bye. -Bye.
-Dude, this makes no sense. -You're right, but I-- I don't think it has to make sense.
If we're gonna figure this out, we have to start thinking like Toby.
And this is his girlfriend, probably the closest person to him.
Yeah. Yeah.
Outside of that whole Bill Gates thing,
she does have more credibility than any of the yahoos we've come across so far.
It definitely sounds like something that Toby could get behind.
Yeah. So we're really gonna follow up on this?
Well, aside from your crooner brothers theory,
it's our biggest and only lead. And if he is gonna do this,
we can't let him kidnap Bill Gates.
He'd go straight to fucking jail.
God, I wanted it to be those crooner brothers so bad.
Not a suspect, but a person of interest.
By the way, how the fuck are we supposed to follow up with this poor Bill Gates guy?
What if we hired, like, a Seattle area private eye or something?
Yeah, I mean, what other option do we have?
We can't leave our homes,
and we sure as fuck aren't gonna fly or drive up
to the beautiful Pacific Northwest.
I love it up there, by the way.
All right, maybe you can get on that
and I'll call all the Seattle area jails
and hospitals, see if he's there.
All right, and I'll tell Father Delgado
-not to go to that house anymore. -Whoa, what do you mean?
What if Toby wrote down an address for Bill Gates
or mapped out his route or something?
Oh, yeah, yeah, there's not much
for us to go off of up in Seattle.
But how are we gonna get Father Delgado to go in the house?
He's a priest, and I think it's a rule
that they have to do what we say, or something.
Yeah, yeah, I do think that's a rule. I've heard that, priests, yeah.
Oh, man, I've never hired a private investigator before. This is kind of exciting.
-Just let me know what I owe and I'll Venmo you. -No problem, man. I will.
Actually, um, just one question. What are you wearing?
You told me to dress like a journalist.
You know, we're supposed to be writing the newspaper,
not delivering it on a bicycle in the roaring '20s, right?
I'm professional right now, and I did as you said, okay?
I look like a journalist, not a newspaper boy.
This is ridiculous.
Bye.
Being waterboarded is no walk in the park,
but never give up any information to anyone.
"Did you infiltrate the motherboard?!"
Like I'd tell you, Jack.
Who the fuck is Jack?
My lips are sealed and so is the data.
In today's video, I'm gonna show you how to collect water from vegetation.
Now, I know it sounds tough, but it's actually a pretty simple process.
First, find yourself a healthy plant.
Take a look around, they're everywhere.
Oh, hey there, Wes.
I thought we could catch up over a nice warm cup of my magic potion.
It's nice and frothy, just how you like it.
I never said that.
How are you, man?
Oh, I'm fine, just missing is all.
Now, stop drinking piss, get out of your fucking bed,
and come and find me, motherfucker!
-I'm trying my best. -Your best isn't good enough!
No wonder your wife left you, you piece of shit!
You never finish what you start!
But I've only just begun.
We're actually making a lot of prog--
Ahh... Oh, what the...
Ahh, what the fuck?
Ah.
Okay, guys, I'm here.
Nothing out of the ordinary so far.
Well, can you at least take a look,
maybe walk up there, have a peek inside?
Yeah, knock on the door just in case, see if-- see if anyone's home?
Are you crazy?
I've seen his arsenal.
Come on, Father, he's gone missing.
- Do you really wanna have that on your conscience?
I tell you... I-- I don't know about this.
Please, Father, we-- we really need this.
Whoa, whoa, hey, Father, look.
I'm-- I'm all for wearing masks,
but you-- you kind of look like you're, uh, dressed for a home invasion.
Good point.
Okay.
Oh, dear God.
You're doing great, Father. The Lord is with you.
Did you see those signs?
Yes, I did.
I was just... I was just making sure.
Just...
I don't think anybody's home.
I saw this on TV once. Father, take your shirt off,
wrap it around your fist, then you can punch through the glass
without it slicing your hand, probably.
-I'm pretty sure. -I would rather not.
Come on, just do it. It-- It'll get us in there.
Well, maybe just give the doorknob a little jiggle. See if it's unlocked.
Did you guys forget about the signs I just passed by?
All right.
Look, Father, we're just gonna level with you.
We're almost 100% certain that Toby drove up to Seattle to kidnap Bill Gates,
so we need you to break into that house
to see if Bill's address is in there.
I'm sorry... guys, I...
I don't think I can do this.
Father, you get back there. What are you-- What are you doing? We're so close.
- I wish I could be of more help.
We do too.
I have faith that the Lord
will guide the rest of your story.
And if He doesn't, please, don't reach out again.
Poor guy. I feel kind of bad we put him through that.
Are we gonna have to, like, go to confession or something now?
Put him through what, knocking on a door?
Are you boozing already?
Yeah. You're not? You should be too.
Well, I-- I am an adult. How'd it go with the PI?
We've been emailing all morning and he's really eager to get on a call
and loves the assignment. He just wants to get a few more details from us,
but I think he's gonna be really good.
Hey, Mr. Muldoon, this is my buddy, Wes, that I was telling you about.
Oh, hey, Mr. Muldoon.
Oh, hey. Please, call me Gilbert.
Thanks for helping us out, man.
- Peekaboo. - Peekaboooooo.
- Sorry about that. I had to write down
- some important information for an important... - -Peekaboo.
...high-end client. Peekaboo.
- Peekaboo. - Very big case.
So how'd you get into the private-eye business?
-My mother recognized my passion for it as a child... -Peekaboo.
...with the influence Cagney and Lacey held over me.
She used it to her advantage by giving me a Super Nintendo
in exchange for tailing my father,
who she suspected of cheating on her at the time with a local ice cream vendor.
Oh, wow, so you've been at this for a while, huh?
-No, no, I gave it a 23-year break... -Peekaboo.
...until I once again caught the calling.
Uh-huh, and when was that?
A couple of years ago when I lost my position as a barista.
Oddly enough, it provided me with the perfect training for the job.
You can tell a lot about a person just by writing their name on a cup.
Wow, I can see how that's a natural transition.
So have you heard from your contact about our case yet?
-That's an affirmative. -So does that mean what I think it means?
That is correct.
I have been able to ascertain the address
of one William Henry Gates III.
-And have you gone over there? -That's a negative.
I'm still working on my alias for my excursion up there.
I'm thinking of going with Harold Honeycut.
Would you guys be comfortable with that?
What? We just need you to go over there
and see if there are any signs of our friend Toby.
One thing I've learned in this biz,
that you always wanna have an alias.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, okay, great, yeah,
Harold Honeycut is fine. Now, will you please go over there?
"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens."
I don't... I don't know what that means.
-It's Tolkien. -Okay, look, man,
are you gonna go find our friend Toby or not?
No.
- But Harold Honeycut is. - Peekaboo.
Go poop.
Where the hell did you find that guy?
Don't you worry about that, okay?
I know the guy might sound a little "out there,"
but I really think he knows what he's doing.
Awesome. My friend's future lies in the hands
of a former barista junior detective
who now goes by the name of Harold Honeycut.
I like those odds.
What do you want? God.
Leave me alone.
And that's how you start a fire with spicy mustard and some aluminum foil.
Remember, you're gonna need a ton of gasoline and some matches.
And thanks for watching.
Hope you guys enjoyed that. And a special shout-out
to all my paid subscribers out there.
Hope you guys are enjoying those bonus episodes.
Bonus episodes?
All our decisions have already been made.
Every year, all the top CEOs, world leaders, economists,
and whoever else, gather in some Eastern European country
to dictate our fates for the rest of the year.
They call themselves the Ultra Mariners.
And you know where their headquarters are?
Albuquerque, New Mexico.
And guess who started a little company there?
- A man by the name of Bill Gates.
And you're trying to tell me that he has nothing to do with any of this?
Open your eyes, sheeple.
Oh, shit.
Hey, Gilbert.
Please don't call me Gilbert.
It could jeopardize this entire operation.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Is this a secure line?
Um...
It's as secure as the last time you called me.
Hey, do you mind if I add Wes to this call?
Oh, hey, Gilbert.
Please, gentlemen, call me Harold Honeycut.
I cannot emphasize this enough.
Sorry, Harold. Hey...
are you where we think you are right now?
Indeed, I am outside of the residence in question.
Well, can we see it?
I can offer you a quick glimpse, but I don't wanna do anything
that would compromise the nature of this mission.
There does not appear to be any suspicious activity
outside of Mr. Gates' home at this time.
Well, no shit it isn't. That's not his fucking house.
I can assure you this is the correct address I got from my contact.
-Who is your contact? -My cousin Ronnie.
Oh, that makes me feel a lot better.
You know, my mom used to say, "You could always trust a guy named Ronnie."
Snicker if you will, but he does work
for the one and only United States Postal Service.
So he has access to every address in the US.
Yeah, you know what, Gilbert,
I think we're done here, buddy.
It's Harold, man.
Whatever it is, you're fired.
Guys, come on.
I've got an entire Rolodex full of contacts.
I'm sure you do, and I'm certain they'd be of no help to us.
I think you're making a huge mistake.
I'm pretty sure we already made a huge mistake.
Ooh, wait a minute, guys. I think we have some movement.
Are you outta your mind, Gilbert?
Bill Gates is not a surfer, nor does he have a fucking toddler.
And on that note, Gilbert, it was nice knowing you, buddy.
I don't think you picked up as many detective skills from Starbucks as you thought.
It was a Coffee Bean.
Well, that's probably gonna be the last time
I hire a detective off of Craigslist.
That guy was completely useless.
- Yep, back to square one. - No, maybe not.
While you were being all high and mighty with your shower,
I stumbled upon a whole Toby goldmine.
It turns out we've only seen a fraction of his videos.
-Wait, what do you mean? -He's got bonus material and it's the good shit.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Dude, he's got all these theories
about how Bill Gates is the head of this secret society
who makes all our decisions for us.
And they're called the Ultra Mariners,
and they created this virus so that all the small businesses
would shut down and we'd have to rely on nothing
but huge corporations like Amazon and Walmart and all that shit.
The important detail being that,
supposedly, they're based in Albuquerque, New Mexico,
which just so happens to be where Bill Gates started Microsoft.
Holy shit. But Mandy told us that Toby's going to Seattle,
so why wouldn't we believe her?
Maybe Toby didn't want Mandy to know where he was really going.
Remember that waterboarding video he made where he said,
"Never give any information to anyone"?
-Oh, my God, yeah. -We're onto the right guy,
we're just looking in the wrong place.
I think Toby went to Albuquerque to kidnap Bill.
Wait, how many of these bonus episodes have you seen so far?
Like six or seven, and I was just about to watch one
-on Area 51 until that shithead Muldoon called. -Well, how do we watch them?
Oh, I paid 50 bucks to become a member, so I could just share it with you.
That place is off limits to everyone.
How else could a man build a tech corporation overnight like that?
He had access to technology no one on Earth had ever seen before,
because it wasn't human.
Now, how did he do that? I guess we'll never know.
But I do find it interesting
that he interned at Area 51
before his senior year at Harvard.
Rome wasn't built in a day, but Microsoft was.
Jesus Christ, is he going to Albuquerque or Area 51?
Wait, Area 51's not in Albuquerque?
No, idiot, it's in Nevada. Everybody knows that.
-Oh, man, I'm so confused. -See, this is why I was saying,
-in order to find Toby, we have to think like Toby. -Cool.
The guy that eats armadillo casserole and drinks his own urine.
-Yeah, exactly. -Area 51 then.
Awesome, the most secretive place in the world.
This mystery is becoming more and more solvable by the second.
How are we gonna get into Area 51?
Well, do you really think Toby's gonna be able to?
-He's gonna get himself killed. -This fucking guy actually thinks
that Bill Gates got his Microsoft technology from Area 51.
And that that's the place that created the virus
but also the place that created the vaccine
with the microchip to combat the virus.
I mean, it doesn't make sense to me, so I think it checks out.
God, between my divorce, the quarantine, and these bizarre conspiracy theories,
I think I've aged ten years in three days.
Yeah, you have. Speaking of exhaustion,
we have to get on another frigging Zoom call with the group.
I don't wanna deal with that right now.
All they wanna do is talk about my feelings. I'm fine.
God damn it.
How's your, uh, little investigation going?
- I wish you guys would take this more seriously. - -Yeah.
We've made some significant breakthroughs, actually.
-Oh, yeah, like what? -Well, we think Toby
might've gone to Area 51 to get Bill Gates.
Why the fuck would Bill Gates be at Area 51?
Because that's where he got all the technology to start Microsoft.
Wait, what-- what does that even mean?
Wes, what is that on the wall behind you?
Oh, that's my, uh, board of investigation.
You say that as if we all have a board of investigation.
Why isn't the Denver Airport on your wall?
Uh, what are you talking about?
Well, everyone knows that Area 51
is actually underneath the Denver Airport.
What, are you fucking serious?
Oh, shit, Wes, Keith is right.
How did we not know this?
You guys, that was a joke.
I was just joking, okay?
It's not real. It's just crap on the internet.
We have to go. Wes, call me. Call me right now.
So our government's biggest secret is
an international airport that hundreds of thousands of people visit every week?
Sometimes the best place to hide something is in plain sight.
Dude, he has to be here.
This is a conspiracy theorist's wet dream.
Oh, my God, I know. This stuff is nuts.
Okay, so we know
that Toby is a survivalist doomsday prepper
-who thinks the world is gonna end, right? -Right.
Well, the Denver Airport has bunkers set aside
for the world's elite during a global disaster.
-Do they really? -Yeah, according to this article I read
on Eagleeyejerry.net, it's the safest place in the world.
Plus, Bill Gates is already there because of his ties to Area 51
and he's a member of the Global Elite.
Toby is going to the fucking Denver Airport.
We found him!
Well, we still need to "find him find him,"
but I mean, come on, it's pretty much in the bag.
It... it's the general area.
We've narrowed it down significantly.
- Oh, shit, my mother's calling me.
Uh, I should probably take this.
Okay, yeah, yeah, you talk to her and call me back, and send my love.
All right, will do.
-Hey, Mom. -Hi, honey.
-How are you doing? -I'm good.
I... I just got a text from your friend Wendy,
and it was a little concerning.
She said something about you trying
to solve a missing person's case.
No, Mom, e-everything's fine.
I assure you there's nothing to worry about.
Actually, Mom, have you ever been to the Denver Airport
and noticed anything strange?
What? Wes, do you remember when you were in ninth grade
and Kimberly Larson dumped you,
and you thought it'd be a great idea to build a treehouse?
Ooh, I gotta go.
-You spent all your time... -Love you, Mom. Bye.
-What? -So what's up with Muldoon?
Well...
he feels really awful about how the last assignment ended
and he wants to do some pro bono work for us.
He says, uh, he's worried about getting a bad Yelp review.
I mean, how much help can the guy possibly be?
Things didn't exactly pan out last time.
-Well, it's free. -I do like the sound of that.
Do you think he'd be willing to fly himself to Denver out of his own pocket?
I don't know Gilbert well, but, uh,
he seems like the kind of guy that'd be up for anything.
Gentlemen, I cannot thank you enough
for giving me a second opportunity.
You've got the Muldoon guarantee
that business will be handled this time.
Oh, yeah, no-- no problem. Sure.
Um, hey, look, I know it's pretty risky to fly right now,
but would you be willing to travel up to Denver as soon as possible?
I thought you'd never ask.
Obviously you'd have to pay for your own expenses.
-Of course. That's-- that's the least I can do. -Yaw!
So, um, what do you need me to do out there in Denver?
Well, we have reason to believe that Toby went to the Denver Airport,
which houses Area 51, so that he could gain access to Bill Gates.
And we need you to find Toby and intercept him.
You guys are in luck 'cause Ronnie's cousin Donny
actually works as a baggage handler at the Denver Airport.
So he knows some people.
You're not gonna regret this.
Well, let's hope that these contacts
are a little more useful this time
because Ronnie wasn't exactly foolproof.
I can assure you this case will be solved within 17 hours.
My bags are packed. I'll be on the first flight out of Sea-Tac.
Thank you, Gilbert. We really appreciate it.
This will not go unforgotten.
- "Truth waits to be found..." - Peekaboo.
"...but searches for no one."
I still don't know what that means,
but thanks for all you're doing for us...
whatever it is that you're doing.
Say no more, my friends.
We won't. God speed, brother.
I've got you co--
That's some pretty fresh bear shit right there.
Get yourself a walkie-talkie for when the cell towers collapse,
and trust me, they are going to collapse.
- Toby kidnapped Toby. - Peekaboo.
But be wary of code crackers in case you're doing Morse code.
- Meat shortage. - -'Cause I have shit implanted into my DNA also.
Take a bath, you're starting to look like a real fucking lowlife.
You never know when you're gonna have to parkour away from an invader.
Toby... we're coming for you, buddy.
I promise.
"Take Charge with Toby."
Best place to be during a flood is up in a tree.
The whole sky is chemtrails.
Remember, you're gonna need a ton of gasoline.
Do you have any urine needs, urine filtration needs?
We're doing a flash sale right there.
"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens."
And that's how you start a fire with...
To find me, you better start thinking like me.
You think you're up for that?
It hasn't been easy, but I think I'm getting closer.
Oh, you're way off,
but whatever helps you sleep at night.
What are we eating?
Armadillo casserole.
It's pretty good.
Now you're starting to think like me.
Don't fight it.
Wake up, Wes.
Wake up!
Oh. Fuck.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Who is it?
Uh, Postmates, I got your, uh, beer delivery order.
Just leave it on the doormat and beat it.
Uh, I gotta see some ID for the alcohol, buddy.
It's under the doormat!
Don't touch it.
Okay, that's one way to talk to a person.
All right, you're all set. Thanks a lot.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
Wait, Wait, Wait. Excuse me, wait!
Hey, do you know anything about the ties
between Area 51 and the Denver Airport?
-What? -Well, do you?
Toby's dead and that's okay.
You did your best.
Wow, you look good.
Please keep your distance, all right?
You've done enough damage to me.
Did you, uh, get any of that in your mouth
or did you just rub it all over your tits?
You know, it's actually, it's a tits kind of day, yeah.
What I do is I scoop it right off them
and put the chip right in my mouth and it's quite delicious.
Hmm. Yeah, it looks like you've been making some great strides.
I will have you know I'm doing quite well, thank you.
I've actually made some significant strides, if that wasn't obvious enough.
Yeah, I noticed you've been up to quite a lot recently,
like hiring a private eye.
-Really, Wes? -How do you know about that?
We share a Venmo account, you moron.
Please just call it off.
We can't call it off now. He's probably already at his house.
What? Who's "we"?
"We" is the appropriate amount of people needed
to get the information, you know, on a basis
that is...
an inner circle of, uh, you know, contacts.
And you're on a need-to-know basis right now
and you don't need to know.
Are you having a stroke right now?
I'm-- I'm perfectly fine.
How is it that you didn't want me hiring lawyers,
but you're fine hiring a private eye? How does that make sense?
Boy, you sure are concerned over this.
You know, Wes, it would never have come to this
if you were more present in our relationship.
Ohhhh.
So you want me to call off the PI?
Yes, that's... yeah. Yes.
Well, what are you gonna do for me?
I will tell the lawyers to forget everything.
Tell you what, you do that and, uh, you give me back Iggy Pup,
I'll terminate the entire investigation.
Fine, I only took him to piss you off anyways, so...
Wow, the truth comes out, huh?
Pleasure doing business with you.
-Go fuck yourself. -My mother was right about you.
-Your mother's a bitch. -No, she's not.
My mother's the sweetest person on the planet
and you're a monster.
A monster.
But look who's doing great without you.
Ooh.
Ah, fuck.
God damn it.
- Hello? - Hi, is this Wes Crowley?
Uh, yeah.
Hi, Wes, this is Tracy Blackwood.
Oh, my God, Tracy. It's so good to hear from you.
- It's been forever. - Hey. Yeah.
I was surprised when I got your message. So what's going on?
Toby and I haven't talked in a couple of weeks, but that's kind of normal.
Well, you know, I'm just getting a little worried
'cause no one's seen or heard from him in, like, four or five days
and some of the YouTube comments from his fans just got me a little nervous.
Oh, those people are all crazy.
And my brother, I'm guessing you've seen his videos.
I mean, he scares me quite often.
Yeah. Um...
Well, we heard that he might be driving all the way
to Seattle to find Bill Gates,
but now we think he may be in Denver.
Did he mention anything like that?
What are you talking about? Who told you that?
-His girlfriend, Mandy. -Toby doesn't have a girlfriend.
If Mandy's the person that I'm thinking she is,
then she is a total fucking lunatic.
-She sends me death threats all the time. -Are you serious?
Yeah. Do not listen to anything that woman says.
-Oh, God. -What is it?
How far do you live from Toby?
About 20, 25 minutes.
Okay, I-- I know this is asking a lot,
but would you, you know, be willing to swing by his place,
just to check on him and see if he's there?
Yeah, I can swing by.
Oh, my God, that'd be so helpful.
Yeah, it's no problem, other than having
to try and dodge his trip wires.
Yeah, well, thank you, Tracy.
Um, and just gimme a shout when you get there, okay?
Will do. Talk to you soon, Wes.
Okay, bye.
Oh, hey.
Toby doesn't have a fucking girlfriend.
-What? -According to his sister,
Mandy is a lunatic stalker and we shouldn't listen to anything she said.
Why'd we listen to that psycho?
She wanted us to go to Seattle when she knew damn well
that we would go to Albuquerque and then Nevada
and then the Denver Airport.
-Isn't it obvious? -She's the perfect suspect.
Shit, and I just sent Toby's sister over there.
She's probably gonna end up seeing her brother with a fucking shotgun to his face.
We gotta call Mandy. Start off real smooth and suave, let her dig her own grave.
Remember, she doesn't know that we know she's full of shit.
-Yeah, I'm on my way. -We know you fucking have him, just admit it.
I would never do anything to hurt Toby. I love him too much.
How can you love him when his sister says you've never even met?
You don't need to meet someone to be in love with them.
And honestly, his sister has always been jealous of what we have.
Do you even hear the bullshit coming out of your mouth?
All right, look, fine, I haven't met Toby,
but he told me that he was going to find Bill Gates
to make him fess up on camera.
Why wouldn't I believe that?
Horse shit! We wanna see the texts.
I don't have to show you shit.
I don't even know you.
-And you don't know Toby. -Okay.
We know you've got him wherever the fuck you are right now.
Yeah, you just want us going all over the country so we'd stay off of your trail.
Well, technically we didn't go anywhere, but still.
You know what's funny? Is all of these accusations are coming
from two guys who have been on a witch hunt
because you're so obsessed with Toby.
And it really does kind of make you guys seem
like the psycho stalkers, not me.
Oh, yeah? Is that why you're in the woods behind Toby's house?
Is that where you're burying the fucking body?
All right, you know what? I'm done.
You'll both be really sorry.
You fucking murderer! Hey?
Did she just hang up on us? God damn it.
-Hey. -I think she has him.
I mean, it has to be her, right?
Yeah, and if he actually did contact her,
then why didn't she show us the text?
Yeah, and she hung up as soon as we mentioned the body.
I can't believe the hell we went through
and it was right under our fucking noses the whole time.
Do you think there's anything to her saying his sister is crazy?
Yeah. Sure. A person who's never even met the guy she's dating
accuses that guy's sister of being crazy.
Plus, I-- I remember Tracy a little bit.
I-- I don't think she's capable of hurting anyone.
I'm looking at my person of interest wall now.
It's embarrassing.
It's all dog shit.
Murder brothers, innocent.
Ken Griffey Jr., the sweetest swing of all time.
It's hogwash, man,
the whole damn thing.
Hogwash.
Hey, man, you all right?
Are you crying?
Oh, shit.
Toby's sister's calling me.
Just make sure you loop me in.
Hey, Tracy, are you at Toby's?
Yeah, I'm here.
Uh, nothing weird so far, but I will check inside.
All right, I'm gonna switch this over to FaceTime.
My friend Luke and I are pretty invested in this whole thing, okay?
Wow, quite the sunburn, Wes.
Yeah, it's not a great look.
Hey, Tracy, no time for small talk.
We have reason to believe that Mandy's on the premises.
Wait, crazy Mandy?
Well, we don't know for sure, but be careful.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Rosary beads? Where the hell did these come from?
-Father Delgado. -What?
What? Not-- No, nothing. Keep going.
Is there something you guys aren't telling me?
-No, just keep your eyes peeled for Mandy. -Yeah.
Okay.
Toby? Toby, are you home?
You're doing great, Tracy.
-You're a braver woman than I. -Check behind that door.
Wait. No, no. Don't check behind the door.
Actually, just check behind that door. Just be careful.
Shit, guys, I don't think he's here.
Where's his crazy bunker?
It's out back. Just give me a minute.
Not to further alarm you, but we just talked to Mandy
and she sounded pretty unstable,
so you should maybe be on your toes.
She may very well have gotten her hands
on Toby's flamethrower. That's what I would do.
You're really not helping.
-Oh, man, I'm so nervous. -This is terrifying.
Still not helping.
Sorry, I'm sorry.
We wish that we could be there, but we're not.
Just your standard creepy doomsday domicile.
Wait, did that box say "flamethrower number two"?
-Who has two flamethrowers? -Can you stop shouting?
We need to find out where Mandy lives because if she's not at Toby's,
then she definitely has him hogtied in her basement for sure, if he's not already dead.
Look, if you're this concerned that Mandy has him, then we should go to the cops.
We wanted to go to the cops, but he's got an arsenal of unregistered weapons.
Oh, all is registered.
As crazy as Toby is, he crosses his I's and dots his T's.
-You've gotta be kidding me. -God damn it.
What was that?
-I don't know, do you guys hear that too? -Yeah.
- Help! - Someone's calling for help.
-Holy shit. -I'm heading towards it.
- Be careful. - Where are you?
Help! Over here.
- Oh, my God. - Toby!
Shit, where are you?
-Toby! -Over here.
Tracy, get me the fuck out of this thing.
Toby!
Oh. Oh!
Jesus Christ!
Fuck. You guys, Toby got stuck in a bear trap.
-Oh, God, Toby. -Oh, God.
God, that looks awful.
-I gotta call 911. -Don't hang up! Don't--!
Fuck.
A fucking bear trap?
What kind of survivalist gets stuck in a bear trap?
Did you see his goddamn leg?
That leg is gone, it's history.
Odds are probably, yeah.
All the shit we went through, a fucking bear trap?
God damn it, fuck this guy.
Yeah, but, dude, we-- we solved the missing person's case.
Oh, yeah, we're geniuses.
Let's pump the brakes on the genius talk, all right?
Holy shit. Tracy's calling me.
I'll listen in.
-Hello? -Hi, Wes. Uh, so 911 is on the way,
but they said it could take an hour.
So can you go on YouTube and check if Toby has any videos
about how to get out of a bear trap?
Uh, based on the current situation, I'm guessing he doesn't.
Who the fuck are you talking to?
Your old friend, Wes Crowley, from Kunkle.
The albino kid from middle school?
What does he want? I've kind of got a situation here.
I wouldn't have found you without him.
-Yeah, we saved you, dude. -Hey, man, what's it been,
20 years? How you doing?
Oh, hey, Wes. Doing great. Just bleeding out is all.
Yeah, man, I'm sorry to hear that.
You'll be okay, though, I'm pretty sure.
Oh, I know, I will.
How the hell did you find me?
Well, uh, we did a little research
and thought you were at Area 51
underneath the Denver Airport to find Bill Gates
so that you could get him to fess up on your YouTube page.
That's actually a pretty great idea,
but everybody knows that the Denver Airport is one big red herring.
The real Area 51 is in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, under the hole, of course.
- What? - -Toby, what the hell happened out here?
Well, I was working on my perimeter
and sometimes I get a little too clever, even for myself.
Long story short, fell in my own bear trap. It happens.
Oh, no, that-- that never happens.
You gotta stop doing this.
Like, why didn't you just call somebody?
I would have, but I dropped my two main modes
of communication right over there.
They must've fallen out of my tactical vest.
You know you have voice command on your phone, right?
Do I look like a goddamn fool?
-Yes. -I disabled voice command.
I don't want "Big Brother" watching me.
You have 132,000 YouTube subscribers.
The-- The whole world is watching you.
Yeah, I am good at what I do.
- You're terrible at what you do. - What the hell is that?
Oh, that's my urine filtration system.
- It saved my life. - -What do you mean, saved your...?
-Oh, God, Toby! -Oh, God.
Yeah, I've been living on piss and beef jerky for about, uh...
...four days now.
Hey, Wes, I gotta thank you, man.
I could've died out here. I mean, I most likely wouldn't have.
I'm sure I would've figured this out in the next three or four hours, but still, thanks.
Yeah, man, it was my pleasure. It was actually a lot of fun.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna slap a few Band-Aids on here
and then I'm gonna swing through LA and we're gonna go
to Jackson Hole together to grab Bill Gates,
just like that plan of yours.
Uh, yeah, that sounds, uh, pretty cool,
but, um, actually, I'm-- I'm going through a-- a period of transition.
And on top of said period of transition,
I-- I'd rather not get on a plane until quarantine's over.
Oh, come on, you can't possibly believe that shit.
It's all a hoax.
Oh, Wes, I have so much to teach you.
You're stuck in a bear trap, drinking your own urine.
You can teach no one anything, you dumb piece of shit!
What am I supposed to do now?
So the survivalist was stuck in his own bear trap this whole time?
Yep, survived on beef jerky and two gallons of his own piss.
Dried waffles again. Hmm.
Yeah, I haven't really had time to get any syrup.
Ah, but you had enough time to get a lovely suntan.
Wait, that's your actual skin?
I thought you just had some weird lighting.
Oh, fuck, dude.
Wes, your face, it-- I think you need to get some aloe.
Is it-- Is it that bad?
I think you should go to a dermatologist.
So you guys actually saved that dude's life?
Yeah, we're heroes and you guys didn't believe in us.
Yeah, what have you been doing during quarantine,
reading books and not saving lives?
Look, I'm sorry that we doubted you,
but I'm glad you can finally focus on yourself.
Bullshit! If Wes would've been selfish and just focused on himself,
Toby would probably be dead right now.
Yeah, and I might not have ever found out that Courtney was cheating on me.
-What? -I fucking knew it.
-When did that happen? -I found out this morning
when she accidentally confessed to it.
But I'm getting Iggy Pup back, so that's cool.
And Courtney's backing out with the lawyer.
You know, this whole thing has actually, it's taught me a lot.
I've learned that people on the internet are fucking crazy.
I learned to always run from your problems
because that's how you get them solved.
And I learned that, uh, in a pinch, I could survive off my own pee.
Wow, I am so glad you learned... some of that.
Uh, sorry we thought this whole "going after Bill Gates" thing was crazy.
Yeah, seems like you guys learned something too.
To, uh... to never doubt us.
Yeah, this pandemic would've been pretty boring
without rescuing a guy Wes barely knows
from his own bear trap.
Wes. Wes!
It's... it's Muldoon, he's calling back.
We forgot about Muldoon.
Oh, fuck.
-What? -Who's Muldoon?
Oh, we hired a private investigator and had him fly to Denver.
- It's Wes. - Guys, we gotta go.
Yeah, we have to go. We have to get this.
-Bye. -What are you guys talking about?
Gentlemen, it's Muldoon.
I'm in the basement of the Denver Airport.
No sign of your friend yet, but you're gonna wanna see this.
-Holy shit. -Holy shit.
As promised, 17 hours, gentlemen.
We should've never doubted you, Muldoon.
You've got the Muldoon guarantee.
Hey there, everybody. We got a real special episode for you today because, one,
we got my good buddy and new intern, Wes Crowley.
And, B, we are at the home of my old mentor,
the man that taught me everything, and that's a whole hell of a lot,
that's right, Merve Turley.
And legend has it,
he is buried underneath this old, beautiful home of his.
And today, Wes and I here are gonna show you
how to excavate a body.
-What? What? What? What? -So here, let's--
Yeah, we're gonna-- we're gonna dig him up. It's Merve.
Yeah, no, you just said we were gonna build a bunker.
No, I just said that to get you down here,
but I think once you get into it, you're really gonna love it.
-You're really gonna get a feel for it. -No.
You're gonna be a natural, Wes, don't you worry.
I've taught you a lot already, so let's get to work, buddy.
-Let's get our hands dirty. -Come on. Iggy, let's go!
-Are you really not gonna do this? -No, no, no, let's go.
Don't be afraid of death, Wes.
It's just a state of mind.