- Good morning, all.
Sorry, no time for morning discourse.
I'm running late for work.
- Did he say late for work?
- Wait for it.
Five, four, three, two, one.
- I keep forgetting.
I'm retired now.
- This is the fourth time in two weeks he's done this.
- What do you think that's about?
- Retirement grief.
My sixth husband struggled with it.
He'd get up just like Reginald and show up to work
months after he was retired.
- Aw, it sounds kind of sweet.
- He was a gynecologist.
Nothing sweet about a strange man popping up
in the middle of your pap smear.
- Ooh!
- Turns out they frown upon that.
Lesson learned.
- Okay, on that note,
Miss Anastasia, come on,
let's go check your blood sugar.
[laughing]
- Why you trying to act all like that?
- Mr. Brown, you said that car was in perfect shape.
Alright, now yesterday, it started making a noise like
it had high cholesterol, a touch of gout,
or like it's been smoking since it was 12.
- You talking about the car or Vinny?
- I didn't start smoking cigarettes until I was 20.
I was smoking pipes when I was 12.
- Well, it was working just fine last week,
now it's making weird sounds.
- Oh, hey, do it make a sound like cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck?
Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck?
'Cause if it's making them kind of sounds, that means
you got the windshield wipers and the headlights on
at the same time.
You--you can't do that. Don't do that.
- You know, I made that sound one time
when I was having sex.
Turns out I was having a heart attack.
I was going k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k.
Call 911! [laughs]
- If you ever hear the car going gu-gu-gu-gu.
Gu-gu-gu-gu-gu, like that.
That means you need to put some low octane gas in it,
then on top of it, put high octane,
then a sprinkle of hot sauce.
Just like lightly, just hot sauce.
- That don't sound right.
- Oh, and if you ever hear it going...
[beatboxing]
That mean I left my Dougie Fresh tape
in the cassette deck. - [laughs]
- Man, I don't know, it's just making funny sounds.
- Trust me, I had that car for 20 years.
It's in tiptop shape.
Now, the only sound you need to be worrying about
is whoop-whoop-whoop, whoop-whoop-whoop.
- Why? What's that?
- That means you're getting stopped by the police.
You don't need that smoke again.
- No, you don't.
- I gotta run down to the church. I'll see y'all!
- [doorbell rings]
- Why are you looking at me like that?
Man, you know we needed a new car.
Philip about to start driving soon.
- Two things my daddy told me when I was a little boy.
Number one: never buy a car
from a man dressed like a clown. Okay?
And number two: stop smoking my cigarettes!
- ♪ No matter what you do I love you ♪
♪ No matter where you go ♪
♪ I'm behind you for sure ♪
♪ Always remember, blood ain't never water ♪
♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪♪
- ♪
- Guys, Reginald needs our help.
There are seven stages to retirement grief:
shock, frustration, anxiety, anger,
being out of sync, feeling lost, irrelevant.
He's gone through three since breakfast.
- [smacking]
- Well, I'm going through my anger stage right now
if Efe don't stop smacking over there.
- I'm sorry, this oxtail is divine.
It's taking my taste buds to heaven.
- Well, it's taking my ear buds to hell.
- Fine, I'll finish it in my room.
- Thank you. And close the door so we can't hear you.
- Oh, Reginald.
Just the man we were talking about.
Come, come.
Sit.
- What is this about?
- Well, apparently, you don't know how to sit your ass down
and enjoy retirement.
- I beg your pardon?
- Oh man.
- Darling, we've noticed some shifts in your behavior,
particularly with you forgetting that you're retired
and getting dressed to go to work.
- Well, that's just residual muscle memory.
It could happen to anybody.
- You know what? Nobody ever had to remind me
not to go to work.
It was usually the other way around.
- I've seen this behavior in the newly retired.
Will you let us help you?
- Sure, since it's not like I have a job to go to.
- Okay, so...what are your favorite hobbies?
- I don't know.
I never thought about it.
- Well, what do you like to do for fun?
- Mm...I like reading.
- Okay, I think that's something that we can--
we can do. - Law journals
and court transcripts, opinion pieces.
- Brother, if you was any more boring,
your ass would be dead.
- I have an idea.
Just like in real estate, location, location, location.
When cooking, it's all about ingredients,
ingredients, ingredients.
So, now that everything is measured,
you can put the rice in. - Right.
- Now you have to measure it, that's why we measure,
because if you put too much in,
it could get sticky. - Ew.
- Okay, brace yourself, you ready?
- Go ahead, Mr. Reginald. - Come on, you can do it.
You can do it. - Alrighty, I'm pouring
the rice in. - Okay. Yeah!
You did it! Oh my God, you did it!
You did it! - [applause]
- Yeah, Mr. Reginald! - I'm so proud of you.
- [laughing]
I'm sorry, dear, this is not me.
I'm bored to tears.
- This is bonsai.
A thousand-year-old art form that requires
patience and time and--
- [sneezes] Allergy medicine.
Triggers--triggers my hay fever.
- Bye-bye bonsai. - [sneezes]
- Okay, you--you can keep this one.
- Thank you. [sneezing]
- Go--God bless you!
- [sneezing]
- Now what are we gonna do?
- It should not be that difficult to teach
someone how to enjoy retirement.
- Alright, ladies,
I'll take it from here.
Sitting around doing nothing,
that's ol' Vinny's speciality, baby.
Let's move it, Reggie! [laughs]
- What is taking him so long?
- REGINALD: My name is Reginald.
- Come on, man! Get out here!
People need to see. [laughs]
- What the--oh my God. - [laughs]
- What is the meaning of this?
- This is a work of art.
We got one final piece.
Take it over here. Just move it, move it, move it.
Looking good.
Take a seat. - You sure?
- No, man, go ahead, sit down, man.
[laughs]
There you go, lean back now.
Lean all the way. All the way back.
Don't it feel good?
- Okay. - Cross your legs.
Cross your legs. - Now what?
- Cross your legs. [laughing]
There you go, uh-huh. - Okay.
I could get used to this.
Now what? - You're doing it, man.
Nothing.
See that chair right there, man?
That chair is magic. Get comfortable, man.
All you gotta do is gotta make sure you don't
put your hand down on the side
where they have them little wet sticky tissues there.
- Good Lord, I don't got time.
What the what?
Cora said if you pour water on the gremlins
they'll start multiplying.
What are y'all trying to do? Like be an old rap group?
- This is preposterous.
- Wait a minute, man, you didn't even put on the cologne.
You gotta put a lot of cologne on.
- What are you trying to turn him into a little mini pimp?
What was they--what was-- - Mr. Brown!
- Huh? - I need to talk to you
right now. - Honey, honey, honey.
Honey, remember to stay calm, okay? Calm.
- Okay, what we staying calm for? What happened?
- That piece of junk you sold me last week.
- Mm-hmm. - Is making noises again.
- Oh, was it going ra-ra-ra or was it the ahh--
- It don't matter. It don't matter, okay?
As soon as we got in the car, it started filling up with smoke.
- Oh, well, y'all not to be smoking in there.
That--that mess up your lungs. - It wasn't us!
- [chuckles] Stay calm, Cujo. Heal.
- It wasn't us. It was the car, okay?
You sold me a car that got a bad exhaust.
- No, I didn't.
That car was fine when I sold it to you.
And I'm assaulted by your accusations.
- These ain't no accusations. These are facts, alright?
You sold me a lemon, now it's time for you
to give me the money to pay for it.
- Ha-uh-uh, I ain't sell you no lemon,
and I can't giving you jack.
- Well, then give me my money back.
- Over--over Efe's dead body.
We made a deal mano-to-mano.
And plus, I said no takebacks,
and my fingers was crossed.
- Give me my money back!
Or else! - Hey!
Those are fighting words, oh ah!
- Or else what? - Honey, look,
I'm trying to keep you out of the system.
Please stop. - Or else what?
- [groans] - Or else I'm gonna sue you.
I'm gonna take you to court.
- You ain't fittin' to sue me, you know why?
Because I'm suing you.
- For what?
- Defecation of character. - Uh.
- Your vocabulary is absolutely deplorable.
- Okay, Mr. Brown-- - Someone needs to
take you to court. - Thank you.
- Mr. Brown, I don't think "defecation"
is the word you're trying to use.
- His false accusation is soiling my good name.
- Uh, I guess defecation is the word you were trying to use.
- Oh, okay, well, fine. Fine, I'll see you in court.
- Fine!
- Fine.
- [screams]
- Please, please, okay, come back here, please.
Come, please, please. Baby, listen.
You two are business partners, right?
We have to find another way to resolve this besides
you two going to court. - Yes.
Let them fight. - Ha!
- In my country, we beat each other silly.
- Efe, no, no!
- I think I have a solution.
- Please, 'cause I'm over it.
- You two seem pretty set on your stance.
- You're damn right, 'cause he sold me a lemon.
- No, he defecated my name.
- Never mind.
You say that you want to go to court.
But what I really think you mean is that
you want an impartial judge to hear your cases
and make a decision, right?
- Yeah, that's pretty much it.
- Yeah.
- Well, it just so happens that we have a judge here
that's impartial and who has a brilliant legal mind.
- You're talking about Vinny 2.0?
- Yes, Reginald.
He's having a hard time dealing,
and I think with his retirement being so sudden,
he needs a case like this.
Another case to reinvigorate him.
- Uh, no, no, huh-uh.
I want a real judge.
I don't want no fake judge.
No, you--somebody gonna do my case,
they got to be a real judge. No, I ain't doing it.
- And did you know that a real judge...
is gonna charge you court costs?
- Like I said, I think Reggie would be great for our case.
I think he'd be good to oversee it.
- Mm.
- Jeremy? - Fine!
But he better not wear that stupid Kangol.
- Perfect, you two will get your day in court.
And now I just gotta lock in the judge.
- Uh-huh.
- What do you mean you want me presiding over a case?
I'm retired.
- Well, today, you need to unretire.
Just for today. - Great.
- And look, if you gonna unretire, I got about
2 or 30 parking tickets I need you to fix.
- I'm not coming out of retirement.
It doesn't work that way.
- Jeremy and Brown are in the midst of a dispute,
and they need a judge of your stature
to settle their case.
- I'm not some child that you can appease
with some make-believe trial.
- Oh, it's very real.
We'll have a special gavel made.
- Can it be made of oak?
- Yes, it can be made of oak.
- I'd need a robe.
- Oh, we can--we can do that, too.
Robe, gavel, bailiff, whatever you need.
Whatever you want. - Deal.
I'll be in my chambers reviewing the case.
- Ooh! Yes! - "Oh yes," what?
What that mean? Is he not gonna fix the parking tickets?
- We're having a trial!
- We need these tickets fixed.
- ♪
- Okay, court is now in session.
- Judge. Judge, I like your robe.
That's my choir robe.
- The entire court didn't need to know that.
You may be seated. [coughs]
Mr. Brown, what was the exact make and model
of the car you sold the plaintiff?
- Your Honor, sir, first I'd like to give honor
to God, who is the head of my life,
the strength of everything.
Uh, the make of the car was
1999 "Brurk" Park Avenue.
- I'm sorry, a what?
- "Brurk" Park Avenue.
- Oh, a Buick. - Yes.
- And this car was in good repair when you sold it?
- Yes, I had just got the oil change on it.
I got the fluids-- all the fluids changed.
I had the batteries checked and everything.
And the only time I drove that car was to
choir rehearsal and to go to church.
- Ah. - Matter of act, I used
to sit that robe in the backseat, y'all.
- And, uh, you have receipts and documentation
for said repairs. - No, no, Cleophus--
the mechanic, he don't like no receipts.
He--he wanna be off the lid.
- So you had your car serviced by a shade tree mechanic?
- Well, he like to be known as a independent neighborhood
automotive service provider.
- And so you have a bill to sale?
- Yes, sir, Your Honor, I have a "bill to fill."
Right here the bill-- you snatched.
- I can snatch whatever I want.
- It says here that this car was repaired on Tuesday.
And, Jeremy, you contend that the car was in disrepair
when you bought it?
- Well, first of all, um, I would like to take time
to give thanks and honor to my God.
- You don't even go to church.
- I'm spiritual. - Amen. Don't judge us.
- Uh, yes, Your Honor, that is correct.
The day after I bought the car, it started making
these--these crazy noises.
- What kind of noises?
- It was like cat-cat-cat!
- Objection!
Gonedog it.
Objection, "Your Honorer."
Look, the only time that car make them kind of noises
is if the windshield wiper is going
and you have the door unlocked at the same time.
It's too much for the "compooter."
That's his fault.
- File says that the car was smoking.
- Yeah, yeah, because he sold me a car
with a bad exhaust system. - The car was fine until
you defiled it. - What does that even mean?
- It means you're a defecator and a defiler.
That's what you are. - Order! Order!
I will hold you both in contempt.
- What? What should we order it?
Place the order right here?
- Mr. Brown, when did you get the car tuned up?
- Well, the Saturday before I sold it to him, Your Honorary.
- And you never had any issues with the car smoking?
- No, my car holy. My car don't smoke.
I--I'm saved.
- I think I've heard enough.
- I'm gonna take time to go review the evidence
in my chambers.
- Your--Your Honor? I like the way your robe fit.
It looks so splendiferous on you.
- Your Honor, your glasses are--those are beautiful.
Those are some beautiful glasses, man.
Your goatee. - Yes.
- You're clean. You're a handsome old man.
- Light-skinned guys coming back.
- ♪
- [indistinct chatter]
- Oh, he's coming. He's coming in. He's coming in.
He's coming, he's coming. Get back to your seat.
- Alright. - [clears throat]
- Hey!
- The State of Georgia-- - Mm-hmm.
- --has a lemon law. - Mm.
- To protect the buyer from unscrupulous sellers.
- Whoo! - Yeah, that's Brown.
Unscrupulous. - However...
that doesn't apply to used cars.
- Ah! Not used cars.
Thank you very much.
- But... - But.
- There is a uniform commercial code which
protects the buyer from the seller,
who misrepresents the condition of the car at the point of sale.
- I object! Ain't nobody misrepresenting nothing!
- No, no! - Order!
- He can't object to that! - You can't handle the truth!
- Zip it! Zip it! Zip it!
It should be zipped! - Yes, sir.
- Zip it!
Go ahead, bro, you got it, do your thing.
- In the opinion of this court...
Mr. Brown initially took the car to be repaired,
because of the smoking. - [unintelligible]
- But his mechanic, Cleophus, as he reported earlier,
could not make the said repairs.
So, Mr. Brown sold the car to Jeremy, who was
in desperate need of a second car.
- That's--desperate.
Let's--let's let that rest, doc. Preach on that, doc.
It was desperate. - I got a car. I got a car.
- Zip. Zip. Zip.
- Okay, as you pointed out to the whole court
about the robe, you had this robe in your car
as you drove back and forth to choir practice.
- Talk, doc.
- This robe...
reeks of smoke. - Ha! We won!
- Therefore-- - Well, you must have
smoked then. - Therefore, I rule
in favor of the plaintiff. - Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
- You're going to jail. - In your face!
- [indistinct yelling]
- This is exactly why I didn't mess the judge.
- Uh, uh, uh. - Whoo.
- ♪
- Is this how you celebrate victories in court?
By hanging out by yourself and moping?
- I assure you, this was no victory.
- How do you figure?
You settled the dispute.
You even uncovered who was actually at fault.
And the way they were at each other's throats,
you probably saved Pleasant Days.
- I presided over a trial at an assisted living facility
in a choir robe. - Oh, by the way,
we need to get that robe back to Brown before he needs it.
- I appreciate your efforts in all this,
but I have a fear that it may have had an averse effect
than what you had intended.
All this has done is...
reminded me of what I'd missed.
- What do you mean?
- I spent 50 years working in the law, and I was
damn good at what I did until I realized that I...
wasn't as sharp as I used to be.
Short-term memory loss here.
Can't find the right word there.
- Mr. Walking Thesaurus having difficulty finding words?
- I realized that I wasn't gonna be able to operate
in the position of judge in good conscience,
so I stepped down and started
my long descent into retirement.
- Losing a step is the aging process.
But what we all saw tonight was a Judge Junie
who knew how to control an unruly courtroom.
Who masterfully pieced together a mystery
like a Black Perry Mason.
You still have a lot to offer.
You have skills and talents that you can
use in many capacities.
You just have to figure it out.
- You know, you're right.
- I know I'm right.
That's my talent.
- BOTH: [laughs]
- And I'm gonna take your advice.
Maybe even mentor at-risk youth.
Find a way to keep them out of the system.
- That is a brilliant idea.
- Now, I need to go sentence at-risk Brown
and his delinquency.
- [laughing]
By the way, Your Honor, that robe is on fleek.
- Yeah. [sniffs] Smell the smoke.
- How you gonna tell me you won, you lose.
- Mr. Brown? - Hm?
- I still can't believe you tried to play me like that.
Man, we supposed to be business partners.
- Well...I'm sorry.
I was just trying to get rid of that old, stupid car.
And you said, "I'm desperate, Mr. Brown."
You practically started throwing money at me.
So, I just sold it to you.
- Okay, I mean, I can admit I was a little bit overzealous.
- Thank you. - But that don't give you
no excuse, man.
- Well, I'm gonna make it right.
I'm gonna go page Cleophus--
- I'm not messing with your shade tree mechanic.
Where is Judge Junie?
- ♪