-(bark) -(easy listening music)
He looked so sad in the store,
but now he just looks kind of pissed.
Hm...
I know it's bad to emotionally impulse-buy a living creature,
-but I just-- -Yeah, I don't condone that.
Uh, those are sterile, so if you could just not...
-Oh, sorry. -(replaces lid)
A dog. I should've just gotten a mani-pedi.
Hey, I dug out my old flute.
I'm working on a song for choir practice.
It's not gonna be great but, you know...
-Joel? -Yeah.
You know, you don't have to keep him.
But that'd be really terrible.
Take a breath. It's not like a character judgment.
You just seem like maybe it's not the right time, that's all.
If you could foster for a couple of days,
I'll work on finding a good home
for this little guy. Okay?
-Okay, I think... Yeah. -(barking outside)
-Thank you, Tiffani. -Yeah, no doubt.
(growling)
-Oh god, he hates me. -Well,
why don't you try smiling for the little guy?
(dog growls)
Well, not like that!
(bark, growl)
(light theme playing)
-(street chatter) -(birds chirping)
(cafe chatter)
Hey, Sammy!
-(phone alerts buzzing) -Oh.
-Hey, how are you? -Good.
-Fred: Jesus. -(alerts continue)
I can tell you, as a man of science,
-meteorologists are a bunch of ding-dongs. -(laughs)
Fred, can I ask you somethin'?
Sure.
You ever feel judged?
In fact, I do,
but we don't have that kind of time right now.
Why do you ask?
-I don't wanna bore you. -Ah, bore me.
Sam: Hm...
(inhales)
(sighs) It's just, my...
My sister and her friends are all like faith and family
and faith and family and faith and family,
and they're so judgmental about my life, right?
But my sister has actually convinced herself
-that she's only ever slept with her husband, Rick. -Mm-hmm.
But by my count, she is skipping over at least a dozen names.
-But the real kicker -(laughs) Yeah?
is that her faith and family best friend Charity
is sucking my sister's husband's dick.
-Woo! (laughs) -Are you following?
I follow. And this is not boring.
But the problem is, like, if I tell her,
then I'm the asshole that broke up her marriage, right?
And if I don't say anything, I mean... I can't win, right?
She is a bitch,
but she's also my sister.
Just fuck.
Sam, you gotta tell her.
(exhales) Yeah...
Would you wanna know if it was you?
Yes.
Hey...
You know what?
Why don't you try this for strength?
You just pulled that out of your pants?
Don't worry about it.
A Pretzel Schmetzel dog?
You know that these just lay around on the counter all day
-in the temperature danger zone. -Alright,
you have a good point, but I wanna tell you
these defy the laws of food science.
And sometimes, you gotta roll the dice for flavor.
-(Sam sighs) -(paper crinkling)
Go ahead!
(sniffs)
I know it smells a little funny,
-but it's gonna make you feel great. -No.
-It smells delicious. -Alright, well, get in there.
I'm not putting this in my mouth right now.
Just like your friend's sister or your sister's friend.
-I wasn't totally following. There's just so much going on. -(laughs)
Thanks for listening, Fred.
I really didn't have a choice.
(laughs)
Joel: Okay, okay. Come on, come on, come on, come on.
We can do this. We just gotta get home.
-(phone alert blaring) -(dog whining)
Yeah, I know, I know.
-(whines) -No, no, no, no, no.
I know that face. Please don't do it on the seat again
-'cause that took so many paper towels. -(whines)
(sighs) Can't you just hold it until we get home?
-It's a freaking tornado watch. -(whines)
Okay, what is it, teetee or papaw?
(thunder rumbling)
(birds chirping)
-(rustling) -(grunts)
-Sam: Hey. -Hey!
Sorry, I'm late. I was gonna text, and then I didn't.
Oh, no, no worries. I've actually gotten a ton done.
(sighs) I'm not even saying that passive-aggressively either.
Been on a roll. I fixed that leak on the combine.
-Wow. -Yup!
And now, I'm just getting all this cleared out.
-(glass clinking) -So, where there's-- (sighs, laughs)
-Alright, Mom. (laughs) -Sam: Oh. (laughs)
-More hidden treasures. -(sloshing)
-We could open a bar, huh? -I know, right?
(bottle clatters)
You know, we should probably do a clean sweep of the house
before she gets back.
Yeah, good idea.
I thought Crazy Dayz was pretty cool.
-I-I thought you did a really good job. -Thanks.
You know, Rick was actually really helpful, which...
(sighs) I've not been very nice to him. Have to be nicer.
-Honestly. -No, you don't. You're too nice to that guy.
(laughs)
That's something I literally never thought
I'd hear you say.
(wind blowing)
What? What's wrong?
-(phone buzzing) -Hold on.
-Oh, it's Shannon. -(answers, typing)
-(window shatters) -(both scream)
Sam: Are you okay? I'll close the door.
Shut the door! Just shut the doors!
(wind howling)
(creaking, bangs)
(wind blowing)
Okay. Go ahead.
-Can you hurry up your business? -(whining)
Can you do it quick because...
Okay, if that spot doesn't work,
-how about this one? -(thunder rumbling)
Make a teetee here. This is a good spot right here, huh?
-Go ahead. Make your teetees... -(thunder grows louder)
-(barking) -...over there?
-Wait, dog! No, come back! Come back, dog! -(barking)
-(wind howling) -Tricia: Alright, Shannon.
Okay, I'll let you go. Just let her know
that she can call me anytime she wants to, okay?
Alright. Okay, love you. Alright.
Okay. Well, so Shannon's safe in her friend's basement.
Um, Dad's at his PT.
Rick is not answering his calls though.
(wind blowing)
Why are you being so weird?
Are you scared? I mean,
you know this tornado is not gonna hit this barn.
The odds are, like...
No.
(sighs)
(wind blowing)
-What? -Rick is cheating on you.
-(thunder rumbling) -(sighs) What are you talking about?
Rick is cheating on you.
(thunder cracking)
-(hailing) -(pained grunts)
-(thunder continues) -Shit! Shit! Shit!
(hail clattering)
Fucking dog!
Literally running around in a hailstorm!
Fuck. (sighs)
Dog! I'm coming for you!
(grunts)
I'm coming!
Dog!
(pained grunting)
You know he's not very talkative, right?
So any time I would try to, like, kinda ask or whatever,
I wasn't getting anywhere. So then,
I decided to stalk him just a little bit--
Sam, what does any of this have to do with cheating?
Okay, let me skip ahead.
I was at Mom and Dad's house. I looked in his jacket,
I found these two cell phones. I'm like,
-what the fuck is he doing? -Samantha!
(Sam sighs)
(slaps legs)
Tricia...
-(wind blowing) -(creaking)
(sighs)
I saw stuff.
(sighs)
(heavy breathing) Stuff?
I mean, not sex,
but stuff.
-And you're sure? -Oh, I wish I wasn't.
(inhales)
(quiet muttering)
(sniffles)
Well, I'm an idiot.
-(sad laugh) -You're not.
(sighs)
Who is it?
(groans)
We've already... I've given you a lot to process.
I think maybe we should just save that for another time.
Who is it?
(wind blowing)
It's Charity.
-I'm sorry. -(gags)
-(louder gag) -Oh, oh...
(retching)
(retching, coughing)
(vomits)
Oh my god, Sa-- (retch)
You know I can't not throw up if I see you throw up!
-(both retch) -But I didn't even throw up!
-(Tricia retching) -Oh...
-Oh my god, what did you eat? -Oh...
Oh, one of those Pretzel Schmetzel fucking dogs...
Oh... (retches)
-Ew! -(exhales)
-Fred Rococo said roll the dice. -(gasping)
-(thunder rumbling) -Joel: Oh, I gotcha!
-I gotcha! I gotcha! I gotcha. -(trees rustling)
-(panting) Okay? -(thunder rumbling)
Oh, that's not good.
Let's go here. What's this thing?
(wind picking up)
-We're okay. We're okay. -(wind howling)
-You okay? We're okay. -(thunder rumbling)
(chirping, squeaking)
Oh my god, there's something else in here.
-(squeaking continues) -Oh, fuck me. Oh, fuck me.
-Fuck me. -(thunder rumbling)
(wind howling)
I cannot get rabies again.
-(yelling gibberish) -(squeaking continues)
It's just a mouse. It's just a mouse.
-We're okay. -(metal creaking)
I mean, we're fucked, but we're okay.
(rattling)
-(thunder cracking) -(panting)
(clank)
(wind blowing)
Part of you must just be loving this right now.
-What? No. -This is, like,
so hilarious to you.
My whole life falling apart. It being me this time.
What do you mean you this time? What--
-Why are you doing this to me? -I'm not doing anything!
-I mean, you really just hate me this much, don't you? -Tricia, I don't--
-You do! -I don't hate you!
Then how come you've nothing better to do with your life
-than to insert it into-- -Oh, Jesus Christ!
What stuff did you see? Did you see his stupid dick?
Oh, god, no, gross!
Who else have you told?
Who am I gonna tell? You're my sister.
Like, I-I wasn't even going to tell you!
-Well, maybe you shouldn't have! -Maybe I shouldn't have, right?
Maybe I should let him keep on
fucking around behind your back! Would that be better?
Oh god... (crying)
(sobs)
(sobs) I mean, I should've known.
-(gate opens) -(sobs)
-(bottles clink) -(thunder rumbling)
(Tricia crying)
-(muttering) -Try this.
(sighs)
(coughing)
God! Mom... (sniffs)
This vodka is so gross. (coughs)
(both cough)
Oh god. Well, that's wonderful.
(both laugh)
I think it just burnt the flesh off my uvula.
-(laughter) -(thunder)
My insides are rotting.
(laughing)
(sniffles)
(sighs)
(muffled laughter)
(wheezes)
(wind howling)
It's okay. Calm down. Calm down. There we go.
Okay. I'm just gonna eat a little something
'cause I'm a little light-headed.
I forget to eat sometimes.
(thunder cracking)
This has chocolate. I don't think you can eat that.
Or is that cats?
I'm gonna ask Tiffani. If we live. (laughs)
Just kidding, we're totally gonna... We're gonna be fine.
-(wind continues) -(metal creaking)
Did you ever make teetee or papaw?
You must have, right?
(laughs)
Hey, I want you to know, I'm not mad at you, alright?
I know you were just scared. Thunder's scary.
I'm scared a lot, too.
Ooh. You feel that?
(wind quiets)
God, the air pressure just changed. Got goose-pimples.
-(thunder rumbling) -Oh.
Okay. Alright.
It's okay. You're okay.
-Okay. -(typing)
(panting)
Hey, babe. Or Michael. Michael. Hi, hon. Babe.
Um...
Listen, uh,
I hope your tournament is going well.
I'm sorry it's really loud here, but (clears throat)
it's a tornado,
and I'm in a little tube thing. It's okay.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that,
(sighs) um,
I actually do want kids.
And, and a house and a, a Vitamix
and a Dyson and marriage.
I just do.
I love you.
And I know I told you this already,
but it's, it's the Vitamix that heats up,
so you can make soup. Okay.
This isn't a proposal!
Okay. I think we're okay, aren't we?
Roger?
Is that your name? Roger? Do you like that name?
I like it, too. Roger.
-Tricia: That's it! (laughs) -Sam: K-K-Katie!
♪ Beautiful Katie ♪
♪ You're the only g-g-girl that I adore ♪
♪ Whenever the moon shines over the cow shed ♪
♪ I'll be waiting at the k-k-kitchen door ♪
-(laughter) -Oh my god. Classic Mom.
-(laughing) -So bad...
Oh, do you remember...
Do you remember when Holly was over there,
singing "Sentimental Journey,"
and she started pissing herself?
(laughing)
You were laughing so hard that she just kept singing,
-and kept pissing herself? -Yeah!
-(laughter) -Oh, that's terrible.
(laughter fades)
-(Sam gasps) -Hm...
Wow, I really miss her.
Yeah.
You...
You still wear her necklace, huh?
Yep. Every day. (sniffs)
(sighs)
(gasps) Oh my god!
What?
I just realized...
this is why he's been working out.
Oh, gross!
-(Sam laughs) -This is so frickin' embarrassing!
(door opening)
-(grunts) Someone's here... -Ow. Sam! That's my hair-- Ow!
-(hay rustling) -Ow... Ah!
Hello?
-Oh, hey. -Oh, hey!
This is my dog, Roger.
-Hey, Roger! -Hey, Roger.
-Did I hurt you? -Mm-hmm.
-(birds chirping) -Come on, come on. Pick up, you motherfucker.
Joel: So wait,
Rick is a drug-dealing adulterer?
Just an adulterer. I think the drug-dealing part
-might not have been accurate. -(laughs)
But wait, what about the big wad of cash?
I think he just saved up his allowance,
so he didn't have to use their credit card at the motel
for the (whistling). Yeah...
What a web of lies.
(burps): Yep.
Oh...
You ladies been drinkin'?
-Don't worry about it. -(laughs)
Sam: (gasps) Oh no!
The cupola's gone!
-Dad's gonna be so sad. -He's not answering his phone!
She's not answering her phone!
He's not at work! She's not at the store!
They're together!
Well if they are, they don't have many options.
-Here! Let's rock-and-roll! -(keys jingling)
-(laughs) -We can take my car.
I think that's best.
-You're not drunk, are you? -No!
-Alright, good. -I'm high on life.
-(Sam laughs) -I'm high on being a mother!
Tricia: Wh-why are we parking here? Their cars aren't here.
I never knew my daddy.
(birds chirping)
But Mom said he always parked around back.
Smart.
(baby talk): Where's she going, Roger?
-(normal voice): Well, she's doing it, isn't she? -Joel: Mm.
-Oh, there she goes. -I look a little wild.
Like, physically, do you think?
Yeah. I wasn't gonna say anything,
-but yeah... -(laughs)
Well, I was stuck in one of those drainage pipe things
-during a tornado. -Oh my god!
I'm sorry if I got a little messy!
-Like the little baby Jessica? -(laughs)
-No, I think she was in a well, right? -Oh shit.
-Whoopsies, Roger. -But we made it,
didn't we? We survived, huh, Roger?
We weathered that fucking storm.
But you could have died, Roger! You could have died!
They're here! They're fucking here!
-Oh shit. -Really? Oh.
-(leaves crunching) -(birds chirping)
Sam: Okay, and she's taking off her shirt.
Joel: Wow, that's a bold choice.
Oh, got a towel,
walking around like she's a burglar in a cartoon.
-(plastic thudding) -(ice dispensing)
-Tricia: Hi! -Housekeeper: Hey.
-Sam: She's making friends. -Tricia: How's it going?
-Housekeeper: Fine, how are you? -She's talking to a gentleman.
Do you have one of those universal key thingies...
-Joel: Should we do something? -...I got locked out!
Housekeeper: We use real keys...
Hey, about Pastor Deb.
(chatter continues)
-Mm-hmm. -Tricia: My goddamn husband got his dick stuck...
-I know you feel bad, but... -Tricia: ...with my best friend...
I'm glad you lied.
-About choir practice. -Tricia: They're right here. They're right next door.
Housekeeper: I know, but I don't know...
Just for your information.
-Hey. I can't-- -Give me the keys!
-Um, okay, we need to go in there. -Yes, immediately, right now.
-Fuck this ice. I want those keys, Weber. -(ice clattering)
-They're my keys. You're not gonna-- Hey! -Gimme the keys!
-Weber, gimme the keys! -This is my job! I'm not gonna--
Tricia!
Okay, I'll tell you what.
-For $50, I'll tell you the room number. -Yeah.
-Weber: For $100, I'll give you the key. -Tricia: Done.
-Sam, pay the guy. -Uh, Joel, pay the guy.
-Joel: What's your Venmo? -My what?
Oh, for God's sake.
(sighs) I guess we're just doing cash now?
-Oh, Tricia, are you sure? -Yep.
-Oh fuck! -What the heck, Rick!?
You have two hours to get home and get your crap,
and you better not be there when I get back!
-Do you hear me? -Rick: I...
-Where is she? -Who?
You fucking know who!
Well, I guess, um, you're here--
-(Charity grunts) -(both gasp)
(coughing, gasping)
(Tricia panting)
You fuckin' idiot.
(Charity coughing, gasping)
Y-you wanna stop and get some ice cream?
You want me to come and sit with you back there...
-No. -Okay.
(gasps) Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Look, look.
-What? -Look!
Oh shit!
(cuts engine)
(birds chirping)
It looks pretty good. It looks pretty good!
(keys jingling)
(metal clanging)
Oh my god, it fits!
Joel: (laughs) Is she okay?
Fuck!
Yeah, she'll be fine.
-(door slams) -(alarm beeping)
Sam: (sighs) Fucking seatbelt.
(light piano playing)
(keys jingling)
(unlocks door)
(locks door)
(sighs)
(couch squeaking)
(sighs)
(creaking)
(sighs)
(typing)
(line ringing)
Joel (on phone): Sam!
-(Sam giggles) -How crazy was that?
(laughing) I know!
-Oh my god, I couldn't believe that shit. -Joel: God.
-Joel: What are you up to? -Chillaxing. Oh fuck, I lost my blanket.
(both laugh)
-Yeah. (laughs) -Joel: Yeah.
♪ ♪