♪♪
[ Saweetie's "Best Friend" plays ]
♪ That my best friend, she a real bad... ♪
♪ Got her own money she don't need no drinks ♪
♪ Now she twerkin', she throw it out and come back in ♪
Wait, guys, here's a debate topic.
Is it better to buy expensive furniture
that's already assembled
or cheap stuff that you have to put together yourself?
Keep in mind, I already bought the cheap stuff.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Bells chime ]
Morning, Meadows Creek High!
It's time for your Escalante Minute.
That's just a title,
'cause it's gonna be a lot longer than that.
Come on.
-Why?! -Okay, hey, hey, come on.
At least he's not doing the cheesy theme song.
Wait for it.
♪ It's the Escalante Minute ♪
♪ The best minute of your month ♪
Wow.
Those vocal coaches are really paying off.
Okay, first up, exciting poetry news.
I've picked a winner for this year's
Elliot Escalante Exceptional Excellence in Poetry,
AKA The EEEEP.
That's my poetry contest,
for those of you living under a rock.
Okay. And this year's winner is...
[ Drumroll plays ]
...Sarah Maris!
[ Applause ]
I think I've died and gone to Hell.
Please don't read it!
And now I'm gonna read it.
Oh, my...
"My heart longs to never lose you.
I promise to always choose you.
And when the waters clear,
it will always be you I hold dear.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Oh, my God.
[ Door closes ]
Shoot. You guys, do you think I should go after her?
Would you want you to go after you?
Point taken.
Terrell, you are the man.
I mean, that is obviously about you.
Oh, my God.
It is my dream to be the subject
of a love poem...
that I didn't write.
Bro, I didn't know y'all were actually that serious.
I didn't either.
I mean, and I thought Sarah was normally really private.
Well, Emily Dickinson was a shut-in,
and she was an amazing poet...
until she drowned in that river.
Wait, no. That was Virginia Woolf.
Or, no, that was the one that put her head in the oven.
Wow. God, so many troubled ladies.
Again, that poem is by Sarah Maris.
So if you see Sarah Maris in the hallway,
make sure to tell her how much you love it.
Again -- Sarah?
Where'd you get the keys?
[ Bag thuds ]
Your minute is done.
No, don't touch that.
No! That's my lucky mic, dude!
Sarah, don't throw those pencils.
Not the face!
[ Clears throat ]
Back to my furniture.
♪♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh ♪
[ Whistle blows ]
♪♪
[ Cellphone chiming ]
Guys, we're standing right next to each other.
Is this still about the Dave & Buster's incident
from last weekend?
[ Cellphone chimes ]
[ Sighs ]
Okay, look, you guys always do this when you fight.
Why can't we just talk about it IRL?
Because we're all addicted to our phones.
Exactly. Who's up for a challenge?
Oh, is it to see who can go to the best college,
make the most money, and pay the least taxes?
No, it's to see who can go the longest without their phone.
That's fine. I'll just play that little game by myself.
So, uh, what are the stakes of this phone thing?
Losers buy the winner coffee for a week.
Okay. In. This is gonna be easy.
Good luck, suckers. You are gonna need it.
[ Cellphone chimes ]
No, I can't do it.
Oh, I missed you so much.
Have fun with your dumb contest.
♪♪
Nope, too old.
Nope, too young.
Nope, two kids.
[ Sighs ] Alicia, I screwed up,
and I really need your help.
Nope, too needy.
Do not swipe left on my problems.
I am in the middle of a crisis.
Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't know.
But, wait. Before we get into it,
does Dante look like he could put together a bookshelf?
You looking for a boyfriend or a TaskRabbit?
Why can't it be both?
Okay, look.
I keep telling Sarah I was just trying to celebrate her talents,
but all she does is, "La la la la, la la la la, la!"
It's so damn effective.
Why are you smiling at me?
'Cause you, my friend, pulled an Alicia.
You got overenthusiastic about helping a student,
completely disregarded personal boundaries,
and it blew up in your face.
Oh, my God.
I went full Alicia.
It is really stressful.
This is how you live?
Eh, you get used to it.
But, you know, looking at it from this side,
I am feeling so at peace.
Is this how you live?
Before now!
Come on. You don't have any advice?
If I got involved in your situation,
that would be pulling an Alicia.
But you are Alicia.
Today, I'm the girl grading papers,
eating other people's leftovers,
and bingeing this train wreck.
Listen, I'm not taking "no" for an answer.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!
But seriously --
Okay, listen, I know you're totally embarrassed,
but I can relate.
You know, once, when I --
my poem being read over the PA
to the time you had a leaf stuck in your hair.
On picture day.
Here.
Why are you bringing us two coffees?
[ Gasps ] Ooh, did you --
Yep. I caved.
Timothée Chalamet went live.
I really wasn't thinking when I made this bet.
And then there were two.
Question -- How do you guys know
the other isn't looking at their phone?
I know I can be trusted.
Three words -- Dave & Buster's.
If you can cheat there, you can cheat anywhere.
Two words -- up yours.
Well, since I'm out,
I guess I can hold on to your phones.
Thank you, but I think you're underestimating us.
Oh, my God, did you see the pic I just sent
of a kitty sleeping with a squirrel?
Oh, my God, they're tucked into a tiny little bed.
Take 'em.
Hey. Hey, great job ending the Escalante Minute
before he got to the closing theme song.
Well, I had to pull the plug.
Literally.
[ Chuckles ]
Don't be. It was an awesome poem.
Probably because you had a great muse.
[ Chuckles ]
It was me. I'm the muse.
I was following.
Look, the poem was unexpected
but really cool.
Okay. You know, I'm gonna go...
Both: Let the air out of Mr. Escalante's tires.
Am I becoming predictable?
Nah, it's your signature move.
I'll see you.
What are you doing in here?
I'm a teacher in the teachers' lounge.
What are you doing in here?
My mom's the principal.
I can go anywhere I want.
Because I copied the keys.
Sarah!
Are any of those for the vending machine?
You know, today has been so frustrating.
Tell me about it.
You know, I had all this IKEA furniture
delivered to my apartment,
and there was no one to help me set it up.
You know, that is an interesting thing
that I do not care anything about.
No nosy follow-up after I tell you I'm frustrated?
It's refreshing.
Thank you for noticing.
Well, the new Alicia is staying out of everybody's business.
Awesome. You know, I'm glad we're on the same page.
Is it because you weren't ready for Terrell
to know how you really feel?
[ Scoffs ] Is something I would say
if I was gonna get involved.
God, why does everybody assume they know what the poem's about?
Holy plot twist.
It's not about Terrell, is it?
But, wait, I just saw you guys out there,
like, laughing and vibing.
You were faking it. Of course.
But, wait. Why not just tell him?
Right. 'Cause he's such a good guy,
you don't want to hurt his feelings.
I get it, girl.
Don't you feel so much better
now that you got all of that off your chest?
Considering I didn't know it was there?
Definitely.
He's gonna be so upset when he finds out.
Yeah, but he's gonna be heartbroken if you lead him on.
Being real is the kinder thing to do.
I don't know if I can do that to him.
No, it's like waxing -- you just gotta rip it off,
or the pain's gonna linger.
I think you need to pay more for waxing.
I'm gonna butt out.
No, you're right.
I just need to tell him in my own way.
Okay. And I am glad that you came to that conclusion
all on your own without my involvement.
Great. Now can I have some privacy?
I can't leave a student in here unsupervised.
Later.
♪♪
You know, Miles, I gotta tell you,
now that I'm off my phone,
I feel so -- so clear-headed and calm.
Really?
'Cause you look pale and sweaty.
'Cause I skipped all the way here.
[ Chuckles ] That's just something I do now.
You -- You -- You'd get it if you were off the grid.
Oh, excuse me. I didn't order scones.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
That is just a gift for giving me my life back.
The light in me sees the light in you.
Your phone's not in my backpack.
Damn it! Okay.
Look, look, look.
Just give me one little peek, right?
Just to bring me down a little bit.
Is he caving?
No.
Now please be gone.
Did he really think he could distract me that easily?
I know. It's so pathetic.
It's like he doesn't even give you any credit.
Oh, also, by the way, I was just outside earlier.
Griffin was looking for you.
That's really funny,
'cause he's in Chicago with family.
And, no, your phone's not in my backpack.
Damn it.
Ha!
Uh, who's pathetic now?
This girl.
You two don't realize it, but you have way more in common
than you think you do.
Gross.
♪♪
Welp, someone's getting fired.
Not if you pretend you didn't see me.
Sarah won't accept my apology
even though I just gave her this.
You made her another homemade wizard wand?
It was a Mylar balloon that said "You're #1."
She friggin' popped it.
It was nice working with you.
I'm gonna miss your...
faux snake boots.
Hey.
Typical Alicia move.
You are spiraling.
And you know what makes Alicia feel better?
Hmm?
Come on, eat it, relax. You're not gonna get fired.
Sarah would never do that.
Well, how do you know that? Did you talk to her?
You got involved?
And there go your chocolate privileges.
For the record, I am so not involved.
♪♪
Sarah's clearly into me based on that poem,
but, you know, in person,
her actions just don't match her words.
Makayla: She's probably upset you haven't done
something equally romantic.
Well, I was thinking about buying her
her favorite swim goggles.
Yeah, do not do that.
Come on. That poem was amazing.
You really need to step it up, bro.
You should buy her this bracelet, okay?
It's ethically sourced, so twice the price.
Oh, my God, yeah, she would love that.
And I'm her best friend, so I can borrow it from her.
I guess I gotta do it.
It's gonna cost my entire summer savings.
No, it's not!
I mean, girls don't like
expensive, lavish, surprise gifts.
Yuck.
If you really wanna win her heart,
you should ask her to...
sit under a tree with you.
Oh, did a little birdie follow you to work, too?
Okay, well, Sarah does love to be outside,
so maybe I'll go with that idea.
Wise decision.
Thanks, Ms. G.
Uh-huh.
Bye-ee!
Doesn't she seem weirder than normal?
No.
♪♪
Bro, your move.
Don't rush me.
Great. Another tie.
So I guess this is what people did before phones.
Yeah.
But it, uh, made us talk
and put that stupid argument behind us.
This bet was kind of the best thing
that ever happened to our friendship.
[ Slow clapping ]
You're welcome.
This great moment of friendship
has been brought to you by who?
Miles Alvarez.
So, this was all just a trick to bring us together?
Yep. I "Parent Trapped" you.
God, I feel so...duped.
No, you weren't duped.
I manipulated you.
Here -- take these.
You earned 'em.
[ Slow clapping ]
What's going on?
Ha!
We knew you were "Parent Trapping" us,
so we pretended to get along so you'd give us our phones back.
Reverse "Parent Trap"!
It took Luke 2 1/2 hours to explain the movies to me.
We could've just watched it.
Okay. How'd you catch on to me?
What do you mean? It was obvious.
"You two have way more in common than you think you do."
First of all, who says that about us?
A normal person with insight?
Okay.
So, instead of hashing out our small disagreement,
we spent hours coming up with this elaborate plan.
Which makes us the real winners of this bet.
Right.
My two best friends who never get along
and always put me in the middle.
You're the real winners.
♪♪
Terrell: Whoa.
That's more than my summer savings.
This is with the family discount?
Yeah, my aunts didn't get rich giving stuff away.
Hey, Sarah, um, did you have a talk with Terrell yet?
See, I said I'd do it on my own time, so maybe next week.
Oh, next week's great. Yeah.
Or today. Oh, my God, that's a great idea.
Why don't you do it today?
You're not gonna say anything, right?
No, I promised you I wouldn't.
Not a word is gonna leave my lips.
[ School bell rings ]
Okay, class, instead of our planned debate,
we're actually gonna do a little communication exercise
I learned at Google.
Does it involve mining personal data?
Very funny. [ Chuckles ]
No.
To help make our team stronger, we are going to be building...
IKEA furniture.
Wait. So you ran home to get your furniture
because you're too cheap to hire someone to build it?
No.
I brought in my furniture to teach you guys
a very important life lesson.
On how to be cheap?
On how to discuss difficult topics under stress,
which is, I think, something that we could all work on.
I agree.
I don't.
Perfect example.
So, I'm gonna be choosing teams of two at random.
It'll be Terrell and...
Mak-- Sarah.
Terrell and Sarah.
Can I see those?
Aww. Cute couple.
So sweet.
And yet so unnecessary.
And the other teams are gonna be
Makayla and Robyn and Luke and Miles.
Great. There's no instructions.
Maybe the furniture will trick me into assembling it.
Miles, I know that was directed towards me.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I didn't know you were right there.
Remember, you two, communication is key.
And -- And patience, because building this furniture
could take a long time.
Done.
Really? You guys had the hardest one.
You're really not getting the whole
"we're awesome STEM queens" thing, are you?
Yeah!
Hey, Sarah, where's the bag of camlocks?
I can't find it.
Oh. Sorry. I had them here the whole time.
So, is there anything else you've been withholding, Sarah?
'Cause I'm sure that Terrell would like to know.
You know, if I think of anything,
I'm sure I'll pass it on when I'm ready.
Like now?
[ Both whispering ]
Right. It's just that this is a partnership.
And so you gotta tell him what you need
so he doesn't give you what you don't need.
'Cause you want to build the strongest armoire possible,
one that will last well into the future --
Okay. I think we're moving too fast!
Terrell, what's wrong?
I j-- I need a minute.
♪♪
[ Bells chime ]
Luke: This is the Miles Apology Minute.
An apology?
Okay, I'm listening.
Brought to you by his two best friends,
who have written a poem.
Please don't read it.
And now we're gonna read it.
Miles, Miles, we've had our trials.
Oh, God.
We made you flustered over our argument
about Dave & Buster's.
No, it keeps getting worse!
Shut your ears, Ellen Rendecki.
We know you felt like crap when we revealed...
Both: Our reverse "Parent Trap."
For the love of Lindsay Lohan, stop!
Did you hear the masterpiece?
Everyone in school did.
Well, you'll be pleased to hear
we wrote it together, which was your goal.
Yeah. I always sprint down the hallway in a panic
when I'm pleased.
We just wanted you to know that we're sorry
for always putting you in the middle,
and we're gonna do better.
I appreciate that, but let's get out of here.
It's locked.
Text someone.
I don't have my phone.
Me either.
I got this.
Makayla, this is Miles. We need your help.
We're locked in the AV office.
STEM queen to the rescue.
♪♪
Hey, Terrell, I've been looking for you everywhere.
Y-Yeah, sorry I left you to do the armoire.
Oh, no, it's okay.
I may have left a few screws out.
It's a leather jacket away from collapsing.
I-I didn't mean to freak out earlier.
I'm just not ready for all the boyfriend poem stuff.
That's what this is about?
God, no.
Everything got blown out of proportion.
The -- The poem wasn't about you, it was about me.
All -- All the swimming references, though?
Yeah, I swim, too.
I'm the one I wanted to spend some more time with.
Wow. I mean, you just turned the EEEEP Award
into a DEEEEP Award.
No, I -- I was so worried about hurting your feelings,
I didn't know how to tell you, because I really do like you.
Yeah, yeah, I like you, too.
But, um...
I think we're better off as friends.
Oh, thank God.
I feel the same way.
So we're cool?
Yeah.
Always.
Hey, you know, I almost bought you a bracelet?
There's always a friendship bracelet.
Not at that price.
I got your text about that furniture,
and I'm happy to help since I may have to become a handyman.
You are not getting fired.
And I did it on my own. I am very resourceful.
Hey, Mr. Escalante.
Sarah, um, again, I -- I am so sorry,
and if it would make you feel any better,
you could read my poetry on air.
I definitely don't want that.
But we're good.
Yeah, things worked out.
Thanks, Ms. G, for the waxing tip.
Hell yeah.
It's girl stuff.
Men wax, too.
Oh, and here is your keyboard cord.
[ Chuckles ] Yes!
The Escalante Minute is back, baby.
Yaaaay.
Thanks for having us assemble that furniture, Ms. G.
Oh.
Oh, so you did all that furniture on your own, huh?
I said I was resourceful.
Mm-hmm.
Well, if your furniture's all done,
guess I'll just head home.
I, uh, still need you to get it to my apartment.
[ Sighs ]
Fine. I'll help.
Only if you co-host the Escalante Minute.
Fine.
But I have my own theme song.
Ready? [ Clears throat ]
♪ It's Alicia and Elliot ♪
♪ But mostly Alicia ♪
It's cuter than yours.
♪ That's my best friend, she a real bad... ♪
♪ Got her own money, she don't need no... ♪
♪ On the dance floor, she had two, three drinks ♪
♪ Now she twerkin', she throw it out and come back in ♪
♪ That's my best friend, she a real bad... ♪
♪ Drive her own car, she don't need no Lyft ♪
♪ In the strip club, know my girl gon' tip ♪
♪ Now she twerkin', she throw it out and come back in, ha ♪
♪ Best friend, you the baddest and you know it ♪
♪ You know ♪
♪ I think our booty growin' ♪
♪ ...it up in the mirror, hit them poses ♪
♪ Best friends, and you...glowin' ♪
♪ Whoo-whoo! ♪
♪ Look like it's frozen ♪
♪ Uh-oh, girl, I think our booty growin' ♪
♪ Uh-oh ♪
♪ Hit them poses ♪
♪ Best friend, you my...soul mate ♪