I know we're all hurting right now.
But our priority has to be to maintain
the security of this Vault.
They don't want to find Dad.
If they did, they wouldn't get to be in charge.
I'm bringing him home.
Hit him again!
Oh! Shoot it!
You stupid motherfucker, you know this is all your fault.
They'll kill you for this.
Not if I bring back the target.
You can change the future
if you can bring me to Moldaver.
Just my head.
You are a vault dweller,
but if you're going to survive,
you need to start acting like a surface dweller.
Question is,
will you still want the same things...
...when you have become a different animal altogether?
Please, sir.
Please, sir, please.
There's an old Mexican eulogy.
Feo fuerte y formal.
Means he was ugly, strong,
and had dignity.
Well, Joey,
I'll give you two out of three on that front.
Do I really have to kill him?
Cut.
Emil, can you come over here? I got to talk to you for a second.
Yeah, here you go.
That was a hell of a day, Jorge. That was a great scene.
Listen, I got to talk to you about these, these new pages, you know?
I mean, I-I'm the sheriff, right?
Well, why can't I just arrest the guy like I normally do?
- That's what I do. All right. - The au... the audience, Coop, yeah?
They already know you're a good man.
They want to see that even a good man
- as yourself can be driven too far sometimes. - Yeah, I understand that.
But that's not really my thing, you know, Emil, that's not what I do.
I mean, is Bob, is Bob around here anywhere?
- Bob's been fired, Coop. - What?
Studio fired him.
Why?
See, turns out...
Bob's a bit of a communist.
- A communist? Cadillac Bob? - Yeah.
Cadillac Bob! The very one.
- Well, what a shame, he was such a great writer. - Terrible shame.
One of the best, but he had to go.
Which is why this movie is so important.
- Right. - You see, it's a new kind of western.
The power of the individual when the chips are down.
The new America, it's why I'm telling you, so...
that's why it'd be really great if you could just...
shoot Jorge in the fucking head, yeah?
- Please. 'Cause out here... - Right.
...it's just you, your gun, and your personal code bringing order
- to the Wild Wild West! - Yeah. Uh, hey, let's, uh,
let's pick this up after lunch, all right?
You gonna save any of that grape taffy for the rest of us?
It's not grape. It's lavender.
Well, if you like the taste of lavender,
why not just drink a bottle of perfume?
You know, a lot of people like to write it off as some old lady flavor,
but it's subtle.
Flirtatious.
Tastes like someone touching you for the first time.
Well, may I?
Mm.
Um, that's the worst thing...
...I've ever put in my mouth.
- That's horrible. - Taffy?
Um, you got to ask your mother.
- Please, Mommy? - Sure, sweetheart.
Oh, wow.
Unbelievable. Hey.
Mm.
Oh, sorry, makeup.
Sorry, lipstick.
I'll take it.
- Okay, we should get going. - All right.
Photographer's ready and waiting.
Okay, what is this?
A bit of a costume change for you, Mr. Howard.
Ah, okay.
Oh, look at that.
They even made it in your color.
Let's see if it fits.
Okay, Janey.
Let's go.
Come on, here. Come here.
Come on, let's go find the rest of him.
All right.
What is so special about you?
Ow!
Okay, okay.
Keep your secrets, sir.
Just in case.
To keep you extra safe.
Hmm.
Huh.
There.
Snug as a bug.
Boy, that knight really was something, huh?
I wonder who he was?
Knight Titus.
Knight Titus!
This is Knight Titus.
Over.
This is Petty Officer Shortsight.
You missed your check-in.
We were attacked, uh,
by an abomination.
My squire, he fell in battle.
He died with honor.
And glory.
Copy that. We'll get you a replacement squire right away.
No! No, I'm okay.
- All good here. - It's not a problem.
We got plenty of squires.
No.
Yeah, uh...
I'll be right back.
I can fix it.
Cost you five caps.
Uh, could you do it for four?
No.
It's extra if you do it fast.
Thanks.
Fack!
Step away from the armor.
Kick the shit out of him.
Finders keepers.
Milord.
Let's get her open... Open it, open it!
What are you doing, you fuckin' moron?!
It's righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.
Ah-ha! Fuck with me now!
Whoo! My fuckin' armor!
Fuck him up. Fuck him up.
No! No, no, no, no, no, no...
No cause for alarm, citizens.
This is a Brotherhood delivery.
No cause for alarm, citizens...
Knight Titus.
I am Thaddeus.
And I am honored to be in your charge.
I vow to protect and serve you however you deem fit.
My Lord,
have I said something wrong?
I do not know what I have done to offend,
but I beg for mercy!
Please. Please.
Please, please...
Knight Titus!
Please! I-I'll do anything!
Arise, my squire.
And clean this.
Of course, Knight Titus.
I also bring new orders from the Elder Cleric.
Uh, which I humbly relay.
Mm.
We're not the only ones in search of this remnant from the old world.
The Elder Cleric says
whoever gets the target
will control the Wasteland.
And, uh...
we are to kill whomever stands in our way.
Understood.
You like grass?
Hi.
Huh.
Hello again.
Where is it?
The head.
No.
Okay, okay, I-I don't know
where it is, okay? I lost it.
I lost it.
Huh.
A Gulper got it, huh?
You okay?
Yeah. I'm being reassigned.
The whole "opening the Vault door for Lucy" thing
didn't sit too well with the Council, so...
I guess I'm not Gate-Keeper anymore.
It's not a big deal.
I'm just not really sure who I even am anymore.
Sorry, I...
Mm.
Norman, you're next.
You know why you're in here?
'Cause I helped my sister escape the Vault.
Escape? You and Chet put your sister in incredible danger
by helping her out that Vault door.
- The rad levels up there alone... - Worse,
you could've gotten us all killed.
What do you think started all this?
These Vaults are impenetrable.
Meaning those raiders could only have gotten into Vault 32
because some bonehead opened the door to the surface.
A single bad decision that put everyone at risk.
Not just Vault 32, but 33 and 31 as well.
I've telegrammed with the Overseer at Vault 31.
Thank goodness they're unscathed.
But you could've destroyed the last vestiges of civilization.
It was Lucy's idea.
And you didn't think to at least try and stop her?
No.
What are we gonna do with you?
Punish me with a demotion, I guess.
You've worked janitorial. You've done kitchen duty.
Are you aware that, at every job you've been assigned to,
your performance review has been "lacks enthusiasm"?
No, but that sounds accurate.
You're currently working with Computers
and Information Maintenance.
How do you like that?
I lack enthusiasm.
Uh-huh.
It's a predicament, isn't it?
How do you demote someone who equally dislikes every job he's ever worked?
I suppose it is.
I'm just glad to hear that we punish people down here for breaking the rules.
Is that just for vault dwellers, or for people who come down here
and murder vault dwellers?
Now that I think of it,
we've got a job for you after all.
Rise and shine, everyone.
Ooh.
Your catered snackables have arrived.
- Come on. Hurry up. - And you're welcome.
Okay.
- There is a utensil... - I'm gonna eat your fucking heart!
Whoo!
I don't see any apples, sir.
Then climb higher.
It-it might not be an apple tree.
Also, it's uh...
I think, uh, it's dead.
Keep looking.
On my honor, sir, I will find you...
Fuck!
Uh, uh, sorry. Apologies, sir.
I know you wanted an apple.
Uh, uh, I have some-some rations if you're hungry.
I'm not hungry anymore.
Uh, okay, yeah. Whatever you want.
Uh, you're the sir.
I have an artifact to retrieve. Let's go.
Okay.
Uh, if we find the target,
we should repair your radio
so we can ask the Brotherhood to send reinforcements.
I will retrieve it myself.
Understood. Understood.
I never doubted your ability to do so.
The guy from the Enclave, the guy everybody's looking for,
you saw him?
I did. He left with a girl.
- A woman. - How'd they get away?
I was waylaid. A ghoul intervened.
A ghoul?! Huh. Those things are scary as shit.
I bet you just killed it on sight, no questions asked.
"Oh, you're a ghoul?
- You're a dead ghoul." - No.
If we find the ghoul, we find the target.
You left the ghoul alive?
Great idea, sir.
All wastelanders leave radiation trails.
By allowing the ghoul to live, you've made it possible
to trace the whereabouts of the... of the target.
Yes, right. I know that.
I got a trail.
Yeah. Well done, sir.
This way. Glory awaits!
Oh, yes.
Think this was him?
Hard to tell.
Show me the illustration.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that-that's definitely him.
Think we should, uh, bring the body back with us?
No.
If they left the body, it must be worthless.
His head is what's valuable. We need to find it.
Oh, yeah, smart.
Who do you think did this, the girl or the ghoul?
The ghoul. Definitely.
Ghouls.
One day the Brotherhood's gonna eradicate every last one of those freaks.
Stuff like this is never gonna happen again.
Okay, so I think that the ghoul probably
should be, I think, uh, well...
Yeah, definitely this, um...
Yeah, that way. Definitely... definitely that way.
There's tracks.
Stop, please!
My dad, he's an Overseer.
He-he got taken by raiders, and I need that head to get him back.
If you help me find him, he'll do whatever you want.
Stop. Stop!
Torture is wrong.
You know, they used to do these things
called "studies."
Why, you couldn't open a newspaper
without reading about one study or another.
Anyway, this one particular study came out,
and it said that torturing a person don't do shit.
It made sense.
I mean, a man hurts me,
I wouldn't want to do him any favors.
And yet the practice of torture failed to vanish from this earth.
In fact, as time marched on,
I've personally noticed a decided uptick...
...in the amount of torture being doled out across the board.
Sir, please, I need the head.
It's the only way I can get my father back.
My point is...
if you ask me, them studies, they was right.
Torturing a person don't do shit.
Then why... why are you doing this?
Well, I ain't torturing you, sweetheart.
I'm using you as bait.
Nice.
Ah.
Motherfucker!
Oh, I'm sorry, I should have just let you use me as bait
in a poison river?!
Fuck!
You can't treat people like this.
Yeah? Why's that?
Because of the golden rule.
"Do unto others as you would have done unto you."
Those Gulpers digest real slow.
You got time.
No. No, no, no.
No. Stop.
Where are we going?
What about the head?
I need the head to get my dad back.
Yeah, well, the Wasteland's got its own golden rule.
Oh? What's that?
Thou shalt get sidetracked by bullshit every goddamn time.
- What about the dog? - He ain't mine.
Sorry, I've been derelict in my duties here.
What are you doing?
Uh, just refilling your water bag so you can stay hydrated.
Right.
Uh, it might be faster if you sit down.
Bet you, uh, seen some things, huh?
Being a knight.
I've seen some things.
I grew up working on a fly farm.
I was a shitter, so they'd feed us,
and then they'd feed our shit to the flies.
Mulch 'em up and sell it as protein.
Anyway, that's why I'm so fat.
So, your, uh, former squire,
how did he die?
You knew him?
Yeah, I... I did.
Say something about him.
Well, he, uh, he was a good guy.
Say something negative about him.
Well, uh, he-he's dead. I don't know, it feels weird.
- An order, my squire. - Okay.
Uh, to be honest,
me and the other guys used to be pretty hard on him.
Like, regularly beat the shit out of him.
It wasn't personal, you know.
It's just...
...well, you know, people at the base,
they used to beat the shit out of me all the time.
This shipment of new recruits came in, and, uh, one of them was Maximus.
So I had this funny idea,
what if we beat the shit out of that guy instead?
And it worked.
Yeah, I was really popular. It was great.
I just wish he'd lived long enough to find someone else to beat up, you know?
Only seems fair.
I realize that, uh, people die all the time.
It's the law of the Wasteland, so who cares, right?
But still, uh, I feel bad.
Don't feel bad.
It's like you said, it's the law of the Wasteland.
Let's go. We're losing daylight.
Yeah.
Coming!
We can judge a person, and a society,
by how they treat their enemy.
And here we are with 16 highly-violent individuals
incarcerated in our temporarily repurposed reading room.
It's an ethical dilemma like nothing we've dealt with before.
Personally, I'd say it's more of an ethical opportunity
to demonstrate to the surface dwellers, and to each other,
what we mean when we say we're going to build a better world.
Thanks, Reg. That is a positive spin to put on it.
It's not a positive spin for me.
It's the goshdarn truth!
Okay, well, uh, the fact remains
we need to decide what to do with these prisoners.
And that is a decision that we need to make as a collective.
In a manner befitting our shared values.
Yes.
I think this conversation would benefit from some actual ideas.
Well, you know what?
The young man Woody interrogated this morning?
He left an impression on me.
That is the gentleman who showed me his butthole.
Yes, but what I took from that
is a desire to communicate.
To reach out across the cultural divide.
That's a spark we can work with...
to create a great citizen.
Given our recently dwindled numbers,
the most ethical solution would be to rehabilitate the prisoners
and then integrate them into our Vault Society.
To be clear, this is not a process that will happen overnight.
Based on what I saw this morning,
it may take years.
- But... - But... there is nothing
we can't do when we set our minds to it!
- Yes! - Yes!
I can teach the raiders Shakespeare... and when they're ready, Marlowe.
I don't want to be insensitive,
but I think Shakespeare might be too advanced for these people.
Look, I would like to start with a moral framework.
Kant, Mill and-and so on.
I'd be happy to teach them introductory calculus.
Is there something you'd like to say,
Norm?
I don't know. I don't think it's our job to help these people.
- They're murderers. - They didn't know any better.
And how could they
- without a formal education? - Norm,
buddy, the hard truth is, we can't just let them go.
Uh, it's just,
they have intimate knowledge of our Vault security.
So what do you propose we do?
We can do what they would have done to us.
Wow.
Geez Louise, Norm.
Young Norm was
just expressing a feeling.
I know. I've got anger. We all do.
But I think you would agree
that murdering these prisoners of ours is not under serious consideration.
That's right.
Hear! Hear!
I'm sorry. You're right.
It was not my intention to question your leadership, Overseer.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
All right. Sirs?
Uh, sirs? Uh, uh, may I...
may I speak with you for a moment, please?
Uh, it's about the Water Chip.
Go ahead.
Uh, it's-it's... it's the type of thing
Overseer MacLean would have preferred to discuss, uh, privately?
Uh, before bringing it to the full group?
Well, he's not here now, is he?
Let's hear it.
Okay, well, uh...
the Water Chip is destroyed.
The Vault only has enough water to keep
our population alive for, uh, two months.
And-and that's not accounting for the prisoners, who...
- Okay. That's fine, that's enough. - Thanks, though.
- Uh... - Um...
Okay.
Uh... meeting adjourned.
I was also gonna say meeting adjourned, so...
That went well.
They killed my husband.
You're right, you know.
If your father were here, he...
...he'd do the right thing.
Are you sure about this?
It says the ghoul is this way.
- Wait a minute. - What?
Uh, it's just, this, um... Well, uh...
- What? - It just occurred to me.
Uh, we're definitely picking up an abomination of some kind or another.
Just not sure...
I'm not sure we're tracking the right abomination.
- You idiot! - It was my mistake.
If you'll let me lead the charge, I'll lead the charge.
I am a Knight of the Brotherhood of Steel.
- Get back to shore. - But sir...
- Go! - Thank you, sir.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
- My lord! - I've got you!
Knight Titus!
I'm going in!
I got you!
Victoriam!
Ah.
- You saved me! - Huh.
You saved me first.
Huh. Oh.
Is that...?
The head.
The head?!
It's the head! Yes!
Yeah!
Sir.
Sir, please. I need water.
Please.
Please!
Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink.
Ain't much stays clean up here, Vaultie.
You'll see.
Is that what happened to you?
Radiation?
Something like that.
- Yeah. - Okay.
You ready to meet the suits?
Uh, I'll try not to embarrass you.
No promises, though.
- All right. - Mr. Howard.
- Hello. Hi. - Great to meet you.
Hey, nice to meet you.
On behalf of the whole Vault-Tec family, we wanted to say how delighted we are
that Barb could use her connections to get to you.
You know, I've never done an advertisement before in my life.
Hmm.
But then again, my wife has never asked me to, so...
Yeah.
Okay. Uh, over here?
Huh? Yeah. Um...
Ah.
Thank you. Thank you. Uh, thank you very much.
Uh, this... Thank you. Uh, this suit is tight.
This thing really block radiation?
- Absolutely. - If I may say, I-I-I...
You all are doing, um, God's work here.
And, uh, on behalf of every decent American,
I just want to say thank you.
Oh. Uh, to you. Yeah.
Well... Okay, here we go.
Hey, I-I have an idea. What if, uh...
What if I do... were to do, like, a thumbs-up?
Go for it, Coop.
You called him Coop?