I promise you, I was not trying to escape. You gotta believe me.
Okay, so what were you doing outside?
Just pawing through the valet basket for your keys so you could, what,
take a Hungry Hungry Hippos poster and put it in your trunk?
Steal some memorabilia?
Here, take this note. Try to find more in the trash.
I don't even like that movie.
-I mean, yeah, it had some funny parts-- -Yeah, it did. A lot of funny parts.
Calm down.
So what were you doing outside?
I can tell you guys, but I can't do it here.
-Brett? What did you do? -A little misunderstanding, it's fine.
-Let's go. -Yes, ma'am.
Yasper? Yasper?
-Hey, what did Brett say? -Why are you in the shower?
I started writing a tribute song. The acoustics here are incredible. Listen.
Just a boy in the bathroom Let him cry
Amazing. Truly. Did you look through the trash?
Oh, no. There's a wet tissue on top, so I'm not touching it.
Yasper. Okay, I'm gonna find a way to listen in on Brett's interrogation.
Aniq, we can do it from here.
Listen, this intercom connects to the entire house.
So right now we're in bathroom 3.
If you go to the recording studio, you press the following.
"Home," "Intercom," "Enter," "Main Floor," "Bathroom 3," "Enter," "Enter," "Home."
Then me, on this side, I'll press "Accept" and "Mute."
We could hear everything they say. They can't hear us.
That's amazing.
Thank you so much. I actually installed it myself.
It took four hours, but two of those hours, I went on his computer
to get Channing Tatum's email address. Then I took a nap and charged him double.
Okay, so this is what it is, okay? "Home," "Intercom," "Enter."
"Hillary is eating my fettuccine before three Englishmen eat hers."
I don't like it. What are you doing? Is it a porno?
No, it's a mnemonic, actually.
It's a super easy way to remember long lists.
One of my escape room puzzles uses 'em. Yeah, in this one, "Hillary" is "Home."
Woof, woof. That means you get it? Understand what's going on?
-I do, yeah. -Come on. Pa-pow.
Tell me everything from the beginning.
From the beginning?
Guess you could say I was a little late to the party.
Hey. I'm so sorry to interrupt.
I lost my phone.
-I think I might've left it in here. -Quickly.
Do you mind-- I know I was sitting down there.
-Yeah, I got you. Got you. -Do you mind if I could--
Let's see. No, it's not there.
Okay. Look, if I can trace-- I was like-- It might--
Maybe it's, like, under the table?
You asking me to look for it?
It'd be inappropriate for me to go in there.
-So, if you don't mind. -You pushing it.
You lucky I'm a nice person.
I'm retracin' my steps.
I think I was over here for a minute.
She said X marks the G-spot
-What the hell? -I'm so sorry.
-What the hell is going on? -He just pushed--
-Ma'am, he just pushed all those buttons. -No, I was--
-I bumped into it accidentally-- -You don't bump into something like that.
Turn it off. You're making it worse.
So loud. The bar's coming up, stop it!
-There's not a "Back" button. -"Accidentally" turn it off.
-It's so loud. -Uh-oh. What's happening in here?
Feels like an AV problem. I'll take care of it.
I installed this thing, so I know how it works.
-There it goes. -Look at that.
And by the way, if you guys want one of these AV systems in your house,
I could hook that up. I don't have any business cards
'cause it's the future, but I could airdrop you my information.
-Both, out. Now. Out. Now. -You got it. Thank you.
-Yep. Thank you very much. -Wait. Hey, hey.
Smarty-pants, smarty-pants.
What about your phone?
-Okay, so we checked there. -It's in your pocket.
-Is it? -I can see it right now.
Oh, my goodness. Oh, my God.
-That is so me. -Get out.
-Can't believe that worked. -I know, I'm a hero. No, no.
-I'm so sorry. We're about to go in there. -Bathroom emergency.
You understand, don't you? Yeah, I'm sure you do.
Don't. Aniq, don't, don't. Your fingers are touching it.
-Turn on the thing. -Don't touch it with your hand.
-About 0815. -In the morning?
-You hear it? -No.
-It worked. -2015.
So, you say you were late to the party?
No, I left home late.
Got to the party right on time.
Like a glove.
"If I ever take a shot to the head."
"If I quiver and quake and fall down dead."
"Screw it. Let's just drink instead."
-Brett the 'Vette. -Ned the Sled. How are you, brother?
Crushing. Man, word was you weren't coming tonight.
Sorry to hear about the divorce.
It's a separation. I haven't signed the papers yet.
Still hoping I can make it work.
Man. You doing all right?
It's tough. I still love her a lot.
Zoë and Maggie are the best things that ever happened to me.
The most important thing in this world is family.
-Brett? -Oh, shit.
Hey, what's up?
What are you doing here?
We agreed this is my night. You were gonna stay home with Maggie.
Listen, Maggie's fine. All right? I hired Veronica to babysit.
Just so you know, I know that we are not here together.
Correct.
But if there's a fire or some kind of emergency situation,
I will save you as I recently became a part-time volunteer firefighter.
-Don't know if you knew. -Yes.
You've texted me many times about that. And that's really brave,
but I thought you weren't interested in coming to this?
I mean, it's my reunion too, Zo.
Okay, fine. But I wanna have fun tonight. And that means I don't wanna deal with us.
Totally. Totally. And what kind of fun are we talking?
Is it like "A few glasses of wine with the girls" fun?
Or like "Drink hard, go hard,
make mistakes that you regret in the morning" kind of fun?
-We'll see. -Who's we?
-Have a good night, okay? -Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I'll catch you around.
If I had any chance of putting my family back together,
I had to make sure Zoë didn't do something she couldn't take back.
So, the good old cockblock? The clam jam?
-No. No clam jam. -Yeah. You was tryna jam her clam.
I was not-- Please don't write "jamming her clam."
-You was keeping her from getting that D. -I was preserving my family.
Operation Silent Savior was a go.
Homemade cheese, sir?
So I infiltrated the party and mingled.
Got eyes on the objective.
Totally inconspicuous.
-Brett. Look at you. How are you? -Jesus.
Indigo. Good. It's good to see you.
What've you been up to?
As you know, humans are the only animals that drink another animal's milk.
It's barbaric.
I have created an online group
devoted to promoting homemade human breast milk cheese.
No, no.
Not the cheese that you're eating. That's torture.
What you're eating is agony.
Okay, so this woman is going on about her breast milk cheese, okay?
But I had to keep an eye on Zoë, right?
Now, luckily, she was talking to that guy, Aniq, which is like-- Threat level zero.
Threat level zero?
Come on, I'm at least a threat level seven.
I'd give you, like, a three.
Nothing. Smooth. Smooth down there.
Like, he's almost like…
-Urkel. -Wait, hold up.
Steve Urkel. He reminds me of him sexually.
I'ma need you to hold your horses, okay?
Because Steve Urkel is someone I had a huge crush on.
He was the first Black man
that I ever heard of that had his own cereal, okay?
Plus, he was a genius. Have you ever worn suspenders?
But I know-- When I'm wearing my suspenders,
I'm not like--
If you hate on Urkel one more time…
Did I do that? Okay, look.
Regardless, I felt safer with her talking to Aniq,
so it was the perfect time to empty the tanks.
Hello, Brett.
Hello, Eugene.
It's Xavier now.
Is it? I hadn't heard.
Nice flow.
Just getting started, partner. This right here, this is first gear.
Oh, my God.
I could do this for hours.
Hey, watch me change pitch.
I'm playing this urinal like a goddamn steel drum.
Too bad you're not in Jamaica, Jack.
-Yeah, you want loud? -I need loud.
-Is that what you want? You want loud? -Let's see what you got.
Prick up your ears.
Oh, Jesus.
-It hurts. It hurts. -Stop, stop.
Tap out.
Back to normal.
Sounds like you're running out of gas, amigo.
You're starting to question yourself.
You're starting to second-guess. You know that you're running out of piss.
Yeah, it's over.
I'm sorry.
Nice try, kiddo. But no one pees like me.
-So, Zoë's looking good tonight. -Okay. What are you up to, Eugene?
-Me? -Yeah.
Just thinking about all those times you mocked and bullied me in high school.
That's right. Mr. Tiny Pee-Pee Penis.
Yeah, you've never seen my penis.
You know,
I thought I'd spend the night convincing the Jennifers to cheat on their husbands
'cause I've never had sex with two pregnant women at the same time.
But now I'm gonna set my sights on your ex-wife instead.
You wish. You're not her type.
Neither are you. Not anymore. I'll see you out there, champ.
And I coulda kept pissing.
Paced that shit, I've still got half a tank.
That is impossible.
And now I'm gonna have sex with your ex.
That rhymes. Should use that in a song.
I'm gonna have sex With your ex
Zoë
Good acoustics in bathrooms.
You bastard! Come back here. Wait, I'm not done with you.
Why do I hydrate so well?
Over. Over. Yeah.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you
Son of a--
I was too late.
And I didn't wanna make a scene.
I needed a clear line of sight.
-Anyone sitting here? -Please sit.
That's you, baby.
You okay?
I'm not gonna let him ruin my family.
Family. That's it.
Hey.
-Operation Nostalgia was a go. -Walt.
What's up, man? I'm not hearing anything out of that speaker there.
-Really? -You're running mono, my friend.
-Again? I'll check it out. -Sorry.
I couldn't hear anything, so I figured I'd come and tell you.
Appreciate it.
Time to hack into the mainframe.
Okay, activate Facebook protocol.
Come on. Password, "Diarrhea."
Oh, shit.
Son of a bitch, Wi-Fi.
Come on. Come on.
-Hey, Alexis, watch that wire. -Shit.
-What was it? -Someone pulled a wire out.
Oh, my-- Who would do that?
Oh, hey, the Jenns told me to tell you to go ahead and start the slideshow now.
No, I'm under strict orders. They wanna do it after dessert.
Sometimes in life, things change.
Okay.
Now I know I seem like this chiseled, rock-hard tough guy,
but when it comes to my family, even I get a little choked up.
And I knew Zoë--
…is gonna cry her eyes out.
Beautiful day.
No.
Hey, Brett? It's me, Walt.
-Do you remember me? -Of course. Good to see ya.
-Well, what's my name? -Why are you asking me that right now?
I just said my name's Walt.
-I said, "Hey, it's me, Walt." -Cool story.
Brett!
Old friends. Oldest friends.
Peter, do you remember me?
-Oh, my God. -God!
What the hell are you doing here, Chelsea?
What are you doing here?
Wait. I know. You're looking for Zoë.
-Yes. Yes. -You're looking for Zoë.
I am. I need to find her. Have you seen her?
I haven't. Wait.
Yes. No, yes, I did.
I saw her-- Oh, my God. Can you hold on one second?
-I'm getting a call. Hello? -Yes. Yes.
-Just kidding, nobody there. -Fuck. God, stop it. Where is she?
You know what? I'm just--
No. No, no.
Key, key, right back there. Zip, zip.
It's women's code. I can't tell you.
Okay. This is man's code, okay? Was she with Xavier?
What about Xavier? You hate him. Also?
That doesn't matter. What matters is I find her.
What matters is that
-I have some plans for Xavier tonight. -What does that mean?
Remember St. Patrick's Day at your uncle's house?
My uncle lives in Tucson. You flipped out, right? You know that?
-You know you lost your shit, right? -Oh, no. All I know is what I know.
And I know that he knows what I know. And you're gonna find out soon.
And everybody will find out soon. The truth.
Yeah. The truth is you're an alcoholic.
Chelsea was mad at Xavier about some shit that he did to her,
and she was hatching a plan to do something about it. Yeah.
Dude.
Me and my grandma used to watch a lot of soap operas. Yeah.
-Check this out. -Have you written for one?
'Cause it sounds like you're making up some shit.
"Now's the time to feel the pain. What goes around comes around."
-You think Chelsea wrote it? -I don't know.
But whoever did definitely could've killed Xavier.
-Holy shit. Are we solving this? -Okay.
Hey. We need to get the hell out of here right now.
Veronica had some emergency, so now Maggie is here.
-You need to take her home. -Okay. Listen.
Eugene is taking advantage of you.
No. I'm not doing this.
That shirtless twerp is only trying to hook up with you to get back at me
for some shit I did to him in high school.
You think everything is always about you.
Only when it is. I'm trying to help you. You can't see that
because you're so horned up to get boned by that little greasy shitbag.
-Daddy! -Hey. Hey.
I heard ya crashed the party.
Sorry. She's--
-She is so fast. And she's-- -You okay?
I am going to go to the after-party at Xavier's,
and if you care about me, you won't be there.
-Daddy, are you gonna take me home? -Course I am, pumpkin.
You won't see me again tonight.
You have my word.
And my word is my bond.
It's the only thing I've got that's worth a damn.
Well, I'll believe it when I see it.
-Bye, Mommy. -Bye. I'll see you in the morning.
-Yeah. -Yeah. Go get some pure oxygen.
You're Captain Chuck Hazard. From Hungry, Hungry Hippos.
Those hungry, hungry hippos have lost their marbles.
Yeah, wasn't that funny, but…
Hey, I'll watch after your mom for you tonight, okay? Make sure she's happy.
-Okay. -Yeah.
Don't worry, you won't miss anything at the after-party.
'Cause you weren't invited.
Dude! Six years old.
Daddy, I love him.
All right, let's go home.
Daddy, that man has my koala!
Wait, who? Xavier?
No! Daddy, that man.
Hey, stop that car!
What?
Nailed it.
No, no! No!
Daddy, I can't sleep without my koala. I need him.
Listen to me, honey. I'm gonna get your koala back,
and you have my word. And my word is my bond.
And that's the only thing that you've got that's worth a damn.
Except for you, pumpkin.
Remember when I let you watch Deadpool 2, and you promised you wouldn't tell Mom?
-Yeah. -This is like that.
Hit it!
Operation Koala Extract is a go.
-Faster, Daddy, faster! -Look for his car, honey.
It's a little green lime piece of shit-- Piece of trash.
There he is.
-Time to make the doughnuts. -I want a doughnut.
Hey! Koala.
-What? -What is he saying?
I need Maggie's koala.
-Hey, what? -Koala.
What are you saying?
Koala! She needs her koala!
-He's speaking Hawaiian. -No.
Koala!
There he goes. Crap.
Hang tight here.
It's fun.
Don't you think that's a little dangerous?
Driving around all crazy like that with your child in the back?
Her car seat has a seven-point restraint system,
latch anchors, side airbags, okay?
She was totally safe and having the time of her life.
-You want some fruit snacks? -Yeah!
Thanks. You're the best dad ever.
You're the best daughter ever.
Dangerous game you're playing, my friend.
He's going right? So am I.
I'm gonna cut 'em off.
-There! Right there! -I see 'em.
Hold on tight.
I got you, dog.
I see him! I see him! There he is! There he is!
We lost him.
I never lose.
-I got your ass. -Daddy, say "butt."
I got your butt.
-There he is! There he is! -No!
Holy--
Hold on, baby.
-Daddy, truck! -No, no.
-Hey! -What?
-Move that piece of shit truck! -We're working here!
You are so lucky my kid's in this car,
'cause if she wasn't, I'd come out there,
-I'd whip your ass-- -Hey, Juan, we got one!
-I was joking! -I didn't think so!
No, no, no!
It's okay, Daddy, I don't need my koala.
I could just hug a towel.
No way. I made you a promise. But where we're going…
It's the one place I swore I'd never go.
I could get there if this person would move.
Honey, do me a favor?
Can you hum your quiet song?
There you go.
Hey, dipshit!
How about I pull your heart out of your asshole?
She said, "X marks the G-spot"
Hey. Keep that here, okay?
All right, sweetheart, I'm gonna go inside, get your koala, okay?
But I need you to stay in the car. Got it?
I got it.
Sir, you have to leave the premises immediately.
-You're not welcome here. -Uh-oh.
Brother man, I'm going into that house to get something.
Either I go through you, or you go through me.
You shouldn't have…
It's okay, baby. We went to high school together, and we're catching up.
Daddy, watch out!
I'm too young for this shit.
Oh, boy.
-You okay, Daddy? -It's okay, honey.
I'm helping him with his back problem.
Just a second. We're having a lot of fun. I love this.
What's that? You moved to Sacramento?
It's so good catching up.
Yeah.
Come on.
Okay. Enough of this shit.
You got skills,
but you ain't got a skillet.
Order up.
Yay, Daddy!
Smells good.
Excuse me, hello, I'm hungry.
Wait. I want one more.
-Okay, you can go. -Please enjoy.
I needed to regain control, or I would lose my family.
I had to get in and out for a quick extraction.
And then, target acquired.
Here, try one of these.
I had a stew before I came out, thank you.
Hey, dork.
-What? -Where's the koala?
Sorry, bud.
I don't have the "koalafications."
Where is the animal?
Get off me. Don't touch me like that.
-Get off me. -What do we got here?
Will you look at that.
I've never seen that in my life.
You're a bad person. You steal from children.
Back off-- Wow.
-Brett? -Oh, no. No.
-My prawns! -He started it! He pushed me!
He started the whole thing! Shit! I'm dead. I am dead.
Zoë, don't be mad.
I asked you to do one thing, do not come to this after-party.
Wait, where is Maggie?
She's down in… my parents' basement, watching Moana. She's very happy.
-Can I please talk to you for two minutes? -Zoë, is this man bothering you?
Hey, do you wanna go right now? I've been thinking about kicking your ass all night.
-Brett. -Then what are you waiting for?
An invitation, my friend.
You are cordially invited. How do you RSVP?
-Guys, this is-- -For sure.
-We're about to get filthy. -Hey, nice hat, by the way.
-Did Sam Jackson have a yard sale? -Nah, wardrobe change.
Okay, you look like Prince took a shit.
-Thank you so much. -I am done with this.
-It's not a compliment! -Stop it! Oh, my God.
You guys wanna have your little slap fight, go ahead.
But I am not going to be a prize you can win.
-Zoë, but I have-- -No, I agree with you. I'm a feminist!
-We doing this? -It's about to be done, dog.
-Step into my arena, dog. -Thank you for having me, bitch.
I really, actually, non-ironically, like how you designed this place.
That's a very kind observation.
Yeah, here's another one:
this fist, right now, is about to go right into your windpipe.
It's gonna mess up your vocal cords so bad
that even your precious Auto-Tune won't be able to save you.
Can't wait.
And just as you're thinking, "My career is over. It's over," boom!
This fist is gonna crack your sternum like a piñata, bitch.
"X" marks the punch spot.
And then all your guts and your ribs are gonna spill out of your chest cavity
like candy at a quinceañera, tú sabes?
Me do sabes real good.
Muy bien.
Go for it, big man.
All you'll do is prove who you really are.
You try to control her, you try to control me,
but the truth is you're the one who's out of control.
The asshole was right.
It's why my marriage fell apart. I wanted to control everyone,
but in the end, the person I couldn't control was myself.
Yeah.
You just got two big turds at the end of your wrists.
This whole aggro routine is old hat.
And I… I'm new hat.
I'm cool new hat.
That hat sucks.
Hey! Yo, what the hell?
Dude, that was a bullshit overpriced hat that looks stupid, man!
I knew it! The hat fell first.
I am good.
Okay, anyways, what happened next?
You were right about why I came to the reunion tonight.
The truth is,
even after everything I did, I could not accept that we were through.
And I thought if I could just hold on,
I could keep you from moving on.
Zo, I'm so sorry. For everything.
I just want you to be happy.
Even if that means you end up with Xavier.
Oh, God. He sucks.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm so glad to hear you say that. He's such a turd.
Oh, my God. I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna go home, and I'm gonna sign our divorce papers.
And from now on,
you are gonna get nothing but openness and honesty from me.
-Forever. -Thank you.
I know this kind of real talk can be hard for you.
I've actually been going through my own stuff tonight.
You know, wondering what I want from this next…
I shit my pants.
Again?
I can't believe it. I gotta go. Don't tell anyone.
I'm so embarrassed. Oh, my God. Don't look at me! Don't look at me!
-Look away, please. Oh, God. -Oh, my--
-Have you seen a six-year-old girl? -What does she look like?
What does she look-- She's six. She's the only child at the party.
-Tell me when to stop. -Keep going.
More, more, more.
-Right there! -I've never seen anybody that small.
-A girl? -Yes, a girl! A little girl.
Dude, I am so distracted.
I'm sorry, I'm about to make musical history.
Sorry, Quiet Heather…
Mr. Shapiro? Forget it. Forget it. I'm sorry. Sorry!
Then I saw Chelsea talking to Xavier.
You know, I'd really, really like to get you alone.
Yeah? What are you gonna do to me?
Chelsea was with Xavier?
And she had a look on her face that was very devilish.
She was like…
'Kay, she looked like Jack Nicholson in Witches of Eastwick.
Anyway, I found Maggie.
-Oh, my God, Maggie. -Daddy, look. It's a puppy!
Can we get a puppy? I want a puppy. Please?
Yes. If we leave right now. And we have to play a little game called
Sneak Out the Backdoor So Mommy Doesn't See Us.
-Fun! -Let's go.
What?
Watch your six.
I am six.
Go, go. Move. Move.
There you go. And I got something for ya.
Kevin!
Oh, man. The valet's gone.
Okay, listen. I'm gonna go in the house. I'll be right…
Back.
Someone call 911!
Nobody touch anything. This place is a crime scene!
Brett? Xavier is dead. Where are you going?
Nowhere.
Maggie is still sleeping right now
in the car in the driveway. That's what I've been doing.
I've been sneaking out every hour just to check on her. That's it.
Well, everything said in this room is confidential,
but lying to your ex, it's not gonna turn out good for you.
But you know what?
I have a officer in the driveway, and I'll have him watch over the car.
You know, I almost feel bad for Brett. Yeah, when he was chasing us,
I thought he was trying to stop me from being with Zoë,
but really he was after a koala for his kid.
And then I thought I was in this great duel over Zoë with Xavier,
but really his rivalry was with Brett.
It wasn't about me at all. I misread everything.
You can leave.
Culp! Good. I need somebody to--
-Captain called me. -Really?
-I didn't know you guys were friends. -We're not.
He just wanted me to hear it directly from him that this is not our case.
He only wanted us to collect witness statements until Germain got here.
Okay, so that is basically what he said to me as well, but--
-Look, I can crack this thing, okay, and-- -You lied to me.
You're being dramatic.
-Do not call me dramatic. -It's cool.
Look, if I don't solve this case, I promise you I will take the rap.
I will not let any harm come to you.
But this ringer guy that's coming? I know him.
And he will fuck this up. Now, I'm not asking you to help me.
I'm just asking you to not, not help me, okay?
Aniq's been in the bathroom for 20 minutes.
-I think he's up to something. -I love you, man.
-I love you too. -You know what?
Anything you want out of this house, it is yours.
We'll say it's evidence.
-It's all yours. -Are you serious?
-All right, come with me. -Okay.
Know what we should do? We should give that to Danner and tell her everything.
And tell her we were listening in? We don't have proof.
Then we give it to Chelsea, and we tell her that we know she wrote it.
Do you really believe Chelsea's a murderer?
Danner said any one of us could snap at any second.
Why couldn't it be Chelsea? Aniq?
Holy shit. Look at this.
-You have diarrhea? -No.
-All right, look at the note. -Yeah. I'm looking.
-The E's. -They're like…
-Look like backwards threes. -Backwards threes.
If we add up the threes…
-No. No. -No, of course not.
-It's the same. -What?
Oh, my God!
Do you actually--
The E's are the same. All right, so whoever wrote this note…
-Yeah, also wrote-- -…must have written this on my neck.
Oh, my God. So if we find the person who wrote that on your neck…
We find the actual killer.
Diarrhea Murderer.
No. I don't think we're gonna call him that.
-You don't like that? -I do not like that.
Montezuma's Revenger.
You don't like that one? Splash the Ripper.
-Yeah. -No. Heavens no.
-We'll get to it though. -So…
So, this is good.
We couldn't have found a better piece of evidence in this whole house, right?