- No wire hangers.
No wire hangers.
- There he is.
- Who are you?
Ugh, where are my clothes?
- Hi Max.
I'm your doctor.
I'm a specialist in,
not this.
He's going to be disoriented for a few moments.
- Hey, it's Patrick.
- Patrick, um yeah.
Patrick, uh,
where's the baby, Patrick?
- Max, there is no baby.
- My baby.
My baby.
(Max cries)
- In most cases, reality sets in a lot quicker than this.
- Where's Maggie?
- Did he name it?
Because I might recommend contacting a counselor.
I'll be anywhere but here if you need to find me.
But, uh, please don't.
- Is it over?
Is the phantom child expelled from my phantom womb?
- Something was expelled, that's for sure.
I'm worried that I got pinkeye and I really need this eye.
(Max scoffs)
- What do you mean?
- It was like a scene out of "The Exorcist", but with shit.
- So like The Exorshist.
(Patrick laughs)
- Congratulations, you gave birth to nothing.
Well, maybe a little bit of E. coli.
- Thanks.
It's the most beautiful experience that man can have.
Oh my God.
Maggie, where is she?
How's Maggie?
How's, how's the real baby?
- I don't know.
I've been here the whole time.
Or cleaning up.
- Um, I need to call her.
(phone rings)
(voicemail beeps)
- Voicemail.
Maggie, you won't believe what happened to me.
Uh, what I heard happened to me.
How are you?
How's the baby?
What floor are you on?
Gimme a call.
I hope everything's all right.
- I'm sure it is.
I mean, she did have a great lamaze instructor.
- She sure did.
You're uh, still here.
- You're right.
I am.
I should go.
- No, uh, that wasn't, uh, complaint.
You should say
- I'm, I'm tired.
- Uh, but you should stay to see Maggie's baby, at least.
- I've got a pussy cat at home and-
- You have a cat?
Oh, I love cats.
I used to have a cat.
Her name was Tabitha and she loved Adam Sandler movies.
Her, "Billy Madison" was her favorite
and she got ran over by a car.
- Max.
- Yeah.
- You're stalling to get me to stay.
- Stalling?
Me?
Stalling you?
I don't stall.
Did you ever wonder why it's called a bathroom stall?
Do you think whoever named it that
was like taking a break from work in the washroom.
Stalling for time
- Max.
- Okay, um, fine.
Um, maybe I am trying to get you to stay.
Maybe I'm worried that if you leave
I'll never see you again.
Ah, poor choice of words.
Ableism.
- When I was five years old
I used to skip rope in my room all the time.
I guess I was training to be an athlete or something.
I had a square chandelier in my bedroom.
One of those campy ones
that was in every home.
Right above me.
Sure enough, the rope caught it
and it fell right into my eye.
I remember feeling cold and dizzy
and I had blood all over my face and my arms.
But I was actually going into cardiac arrest.
My grandmother came in the room
and she just passed right out.
If my four year old sister hadn't been there
to go get the neighbors next door,
I would've died.
- Patrick, I, I'm so sorry.
- I know what it's like to recover in a hospital bed.
(Max cries)
Are, are you crying?
- I'm not crying.
I'm emotional.
- Yeah, I made you cry.
(Max scoffs)
- Why would I be crying?
Just because you have to go through losing your eye
and I'm just here recovering from my poop baby.
(Patrick laughs)
- We all gotta fight our own battles.
- Wait, you told me how you lost your eye.
You trust me?
You only tell the people that you trust.
- You're changing the subject.
- I got you to trust me.
By shitting all over you.
I am trustworthy
- And so humble.
- I am not humble at all.
You like me?
- Maybe I do since you're not lying to me or fake pregnant.
- Ah, I knew it was the pregnancy,
chauvinistic pig.
- Hey, watch it.
You're still on thin ice.
- Sorry.
Um, just dunno what to say without my imaginary drag.
Um, where are you going?
- I really do need to check out my cat,
but I'll be back
and I'll check on Maggie to let you know where she is.
- You're the best
- After all this.
Before our first date.
(Patrick laughs)
Your damn right I'm the best.
- Wait, are we going on a date?
Patrick?
Are we going?
Patrick, did you say we're going on a big gay date?
(upbeat music)
Okay.
- [Narrator] "Womb Envy".
(upbeat music)
(Dorothy snoring)
- Mom.
Mom.
- Jesus, Mary, and the Jonas brothers.
(Dorothy exhales)
- Can you call the nurse?
I wanna see my baby.
- Yes, yes.
He's, he's in the,
in the nursery.
I'll, I'll get, call the nurse right away,
right this second.
- Oh, um, do you know where my cell phone is?
- Um, I, I'm not sure.
- Well, I just wanna call Max and see how he's doing.
- Um.
I don't know how to tell you this.
- What?
- I went to tell him the good news.
I don't know what happened in his head
but he told me he didn't wanna see the baby or you.
- No.
No, that didn't happen.
- Maybe it's because of who the father is.
- I need to talk to him.
- We've got more important things to do than talk to Max.
- My phone should be in my coat pocket.
I remember grabbing it on the way.
- I called Jesse.
It was only fair to him.
- What about what's fair to me?
I hadn't told him yet.
You had no right.
- It's his child too.
When were you gonna tell him?
Why didn't you tell him?
- Because then I'd be stuck in Elliot Lake,
because he tormented Max for years,
because I was drunk and didn't want anything other than sex.
How many more reasons would you like?
I've got hundreds.
- Well, he, um,
he's down the hall.
This is good.
I promise.
- I'm not ready.
- It had to happen sooner or later, pumpkin.
- I know.
But I'm just feeling really vulnerable right now.
- I will do all the talking.
You concern yourself with your baby.
I'll take care of Jesse.
Okay?
He can meet the beautiful child that you made together.
This is good pumpkin.
I promise.
(gentle music)
(Maggie sniffles)
(Maggie exhales)
(Max taps his hands)
- Did you find Maggie's room?
- Um.
I'm gonna go surprise her.
- Max, stop.
- We should get a bear from the gift shop
or a stork balloon.
- Max.
- What do babies like,
nipples, milk, something gender neutral.
None of this pink and blue bullshit.
- Max, stop.
- Why?
- You need to rest?
- I'm pretty sure I can take a walk
to go see my best friend's baby
- Max, Max.
- What?
- You can't.
- I can't, what?
(Patrick exhales)
- You, you can't see Maggie.
- What?
- Dorothy instructed the receptionist to only allow family.
- I am family.
- But you're not.
You have no legal rights to see her.
- So Dorothy can just stop me from seeing my best friend.
- She can, but just until Maggie says otherwise.
- What floor?
- Fourth, but if-
(phone dialing)
(phone ringing)
- Hi hospital, it's Max.
Where's Maggie?
What do you mean, which Maggie?
She just gave birth.
She's on the fourth floor.
There's no way you can give me her room number?
That's all I'm asking.
I am in the hospital.
Yeah, we were admitted together.
We gave birth together.
Hello?
Um, sorry.
Can I have a minute?
- Yeah.
(upbeat music)
(lighter flicks on)
- You can't smoke in here.
- Relax, it's indica.
It'll chill everyone out.
- This isn't the seventies.
- I know because if it was,
I'd be hanging out with Liza Minelli
and not your depressing ass.
- What are you doing here?
I thought you left.
- Well, the other imaginary drag queens were taking bets
on how quickly I'd be back.
14 hours is a new record.
Why are you trying so hard to see Maggie?
- She just gave birth.
I need to be with her right now.
- And then what?
- And then I don't know.
We haven't thought that far ahead.
- Oh so you're gonna help raise that kid
whose dad called you names every day,
relentlessly assaulted you,
a kid who's dad almost made you kill yourself.
- Stop, please.
- Sorry, but you can't bury that trauma babes.
- Why him?
Why him?
Out of anyone?
Literally anyone in our shitty town.
Why, Jesse?
- You knew she had a crush on him.
- Yeah, but a high school crush
should be crushed after high school.
- Please, you still rewatch "Buffy" just jerk off to Angel.
- His is a beauty that knows no end.
But she couldn't even tell me.
Of course not.
If she, she knew I wouldn't help her.
- Oh, you wouldn't.
You would've turned your former bestie way.
- I need to see her and get an explanation.
She said it was just a hookup
and that she didn't even care about him.
She obviously doesn't plan on like, being with him.
And I'm okay with that
so long as I never have to see him
or hear about him again.
- Poor Max can't handle his own life choices.
So he decides
the only way he'll find meaning
is to assimilate into the oppressive heteropatriarchy,
even if it means risking his own wellbeing.
- You wanted this.
You are the one who said this would be good for me.
- I was desperate, you,
(Divine clears throat)
we were not doing so well
and I needed to turn that around.
But now that your abuser is involved,
this is not what your predecessors fought for.
What would George Michael say looking down on us
from the cruising park in the sky.
- So I should just start partying again
and be the mess you know and love.
- Eye roll.
There's more to life than that Max.
- Which would be?
- Oh, I don't know.
Fight for your community, campaign for disability rights,
promote sex positivity.
Raise money for AIDS foundations.
Take your pick.
But you can't let the man get too comfortable
because before you know it,
all those liberties that you enjoy
will be taken away from you.
And believe you me, you will not gain more.
- Damn, my subconscious is good.
How do I even know all those words?
- You already have the resources.
You're not the screw up you always say you are.
Hm, and my time here is done.
Again.
- Wait, go see Maggie.
Don't go see Maggie.
Raise a child.
Don't raise a child.
Become an activist.
Get me another drink.
You are killing me.
- I'm just your subconscious honey.
It's my job to show up and show you the other side.
Never stop queering, Max.
Never stop.
- How's my favorite patient.
- Damn, I'm gonna miss that ass.
Grand exit.
Whoosh.
(Divine exhales)
I'm gonna let myself out.
- Do you think the baby is in the baby room?
You know where they grow babies.
- You really don't know where babies come from, do you?
But yes, it's the nursery.
- Do you think the baby's in there now?
- I'm not sure.
Maybe.
- Can we check?
- You really wanna do this?
- Yeah, I really wanna do this.
- Let's go.
- Um, maybe I could get a kiss for courage.
- It this manipulation?
- Depends, is it working?
- Yes.
(gentle music)
(kissing)
Are you ready now?
- Ready.
- There it is.
- Oh my God.
The big baby room window.
It exists.
It's, it's like we're on TV.
- And there's Maggie and Dorothy
- And the baby.
(babies crying)
- Is that?
(baby crying)
- Yeah.
Jesse.
How's that for a twist?
(dramatic music)
- [Narrator] "Womb Envy" is created by Champagna,
written by Mark Keller, produced by Charlie David,
directed by Jake Horowitz,
cinematography by Paul Maxwell.
"Womb Envy" is produced and distributed
by Border 2 Border entertainment
in association with AMI and Out TV.
Integrated described video by AMI
featuring Daniel Fernandez, Storm Steenson,
Jeffrey Haase, Helen Holtham, Champagna, and Luke Avoledo.
♪ A world surprise for you
♪ All the stars to you
♪ In the world just like a fly
♪ Oh let me, oh let me
♪ Go down my river
Copyright 2023 Board 2 Border Entertainment.
(water splashing)
♪ For you