(button clicking)
(tape whirring)
- 10 years earlier.
♪ It's flashback time
(bright music)
This isn't as much fun as I thought it'd be.
- Told you working at Tune Town wouldn't be
like your favorite movie, "Empire Records."
- But can't it be like my favorite movie, "Empire Records"?
- Just make me boring Liv Tyler.
- What are these, huh, aspirins vitamins, breath mints?
- Let me know when you're done.
We need to open.
- Diet pills, diet pills.
Here's one for your perfect face, and your perfect body,
and your perfect, perfect future, oh.
You just can't do Renee like I can.
- Remember, getting a summer job together was your idea?
The Toronto fund needs, well, funds.
(latch clicking)
(bell ringing) - Looks like
we have our first customer.
- Oh, oops, I'm sorry.
(DVDs clanking) (bell ringing)
Oh.
- Mom.
- Maggie, my sweet baby.
And look at you in your apron.
- Hi, Mrs. Maggie's mom.
- It's Miss, M-I-S-S.
- Hi, Miss Maggie's mom.
(bright music continues)
- Hey, you.
- It's Max, best friend with your daughter
for all of high school, been having sleepovers
every weekend for years.
No, nothing.
- Oh, yeah.
Neighbors say you're a little light in the loafers.
- What does that even mean?
My grandpa says it all the time.
- Oh, God, mom, he's not gay.
- Oh, oh.
I just thought Grandpa Herman didn't like my Converse.
- So, you're not?
- Nah, I've got a pregnant girl in every town,
two in Moose Jaw.
- Hmm, thank God it's free to fix that.
- Dark.
- Or, he tells you he loves you
so that you have the little bugger,
and then he leaves you to clean up the mess by himself.
Right, baby?
- Yes, mom, you remind me
of what a burden I am on the daily.
- Oh, you're not a burden.
Here let, let me help you clean this mess up.
(Dorothy grunting)
Tripping hazard.
- Mom, it's fine, I'll do it.
- Um, Maggie, honey, (laughs) I was just about to go
grocery shopping for breakfast.
- Jack and eggs?
- You got a couple of dollars, pumpkin?
- What happened to the groceries I bought on the weekend?
- They just evaporated.
- Well, I don't have any extra cash.
- That's the thanks I get after raising you all by myself?
- I've got some money.
Here.
- Oh, aren't you sweet?
(Dorothy gasps)
Hang on to him (laughs).
He's a good one, baby.
(Dorothy laughs)
Keep him away from the cheerleaders (laughing).
- Oh, well, I think he's already gone
through the whole team.
(Dorothy exhales) (lips smacking)
(footsteps plodding) (bright music continues)
(bell ringing) - There goes
today's Toronto fund.
- We'll get there.
- We have to. (door clattering)
- Mind if I sleep over at yours tonight?
- I insist.
The whole cheerleading team will be there.
(mellow music continues)
(Max laughing)
(DVD clattering)
(bright music)
- [Narrator] "Womb Envy."
(tape whirring)
- And we are back to present day, girl.
How long do you think she'll be in there?
(Maggie sighing) (church bell ringing)
- She's been praying for the baby every day,
so it depends on whether she feels God is listening.
- Maybe a couple's counselor might help.
(Maggie laughing)
You know, I'm not happy about this.
- I know, and thank you.
Can I have your croissant?
- I'm actually pretty hungry so.
Oh, and you're eating it.
Okay, just consider me Saint Max of Torontonia,
patron saint of croissants.
(bag rustling)
- [Maggie] Mm.
- Also, when exactly did your mother see the light?
What happened to that whiskey-soaked, absentee parent
I knew and loved to despise?
- I stopped talking to her six years ago.
Heard she was in AA about a year back.
I just didn't realize it came with so much Jesus.
- Well, this is the first Sunday
in years I've woken up sober or woken up at all.
Thank you, Jesus.
(air whooshing) (chimes jingling)
- He is risen.
Hallelujah. (hands clapping)
- Halle leave me alone.
- What?
- Um, a bee (laughs).
There was a bee, uh,
(hand smacking) tle.
- There was a bee,
(hand smacking) tle.
(dramatic music)
- I called her when I found out I was pregnant,
and she started crying about how she wanted to reconnect.
And I do, too.
I want my kid to have a grandmother.
And the born-again thing isn't so bad,
even if I'm not totally buying it.
I saw her using a Mardi Gras necklace as a rosary,
but I've also never seen her this happy.
And that is why I told this little lie about us.
- Little.
- You were the only boyfriend she ever liked.
She loved you.
- Without knowing I liked boys
as more than friends, as lovers?
- I knew there'd be no chance
of reconciliation if she really has found Jesus,
and I'm having a baby out of wedlock,
so if I didn't have a fiance-
- She'd leap off the wagon.
See, if you had just told me that in the first place-
- I thought the guilt route would be the best bet.
- Are you gonna remind me again
that, if it wasn't for me, you'd be with Jesse,
captain of the hockey team and reigning prom king?
- He was into me. - Oh.
- But I was too busy being your goatee.
- Beard, and instead he asked out Kendall,
and they probably have three kids named Logan,
and he cracks a Molson for breakfast
and falls asleep to monster trucks at 2:00 PM.
(Maggie laughing)
Are monster trucks still a thing,
or have they gone electric?
- You cock-blocked me from dating anyone in high school
and made me join the improv team.
I don't know what was worse.
- Yes, and I'm sorry.
And I'm happy your mother's sober,
and I wanna keep her sober.
(Maggie laughing)
(Max laughing)
- Gotta be honest, it was awkward
when I told her I was pregnant, and she said
she should have known better than to name me Magdalene.
- I heard Magdalene was a whore.
- The term is sex worker now.
- Mm.
- Should I claim immaculate conception?
- Speaking of which, who is the baby daddy?
- He doesn't know yet. (bag rustling)
I should probably tell him first.
- Okay, um, let's make a rule of no more surprises.
(quirky music)
(metal clanging)
(air whooshing) (chiming jingling)
- Do not do this.
Do not pass Go.
Do not collect $200, and if you see that little man
in the top hat, tell him I am coming for his capitalist ass.
- You know, I think rules would be a good thing.
- [Maggie] What do you mean?
- Some rules to keep things clear.
- Like maybe no more gay parties for you
until the baby comes.
- She is not getting between me and disco night
at the 519.
Girl, there's nothing like knob-bobbing to Donna Summer.
- Worried I'll come home smelling like poppers and Crisco?
- Baking classes are fine.
I'm talking about nightclubs.
- Yeah, I, (sighs) okay.
Uh, sobriety's not as bad as I expected.
- Wait, this is a permanent thing?
We didn't discuss this.
(quirky music continues)
(Divine whimpering)
I'm melting.
(Divine screaming)
Melting.
Ah, what a world, what a world.
- Another rule, no imaginary drag queens.
- I don't get it.
- Sorry, uh, withdrawal.
- And maybe, butch it up a bit.
(posture whooping)
(Max sighs)
- But I'm already wearing Birks.
(Maggie laughing)
- That's a lesbian joke, right?
- Wow, stereotype much, what would Beaverly say?
- This level of basic is gonna make me puke.
(Divine imitating person gagging)
- And maybe we shouldn't date either.
- Oh, yeah, 'cause a baby bump brings
all the boys to the yard.
♪ Misogyny alert
- Sorry.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
- And hey, you're the one who wanted
to make sure we kept things clear.
- It shouldn't be too hard.
This one farts dust it's been so long.
- Are you serious?
- I just think it would be-
- No, no, (laughs) you're right.
I mean, I'm forever single anyway.
But what's your plan, Maggie?
We can't play pretend forever
- Can't we? (laughs)
Kidding, (laughing) kidding.
Uh, how 'bout two months?
Just gimme two months to sort things out with my mother.
She needs to be in a good place before I tell her.
And then, you're free of me.
- Deal.
- The homo has signed away his gay life
and is now with child. (thunder rumbling)
(dramatic music)
Thank God we just renewed our OnlyFans subscription.
(lighter clicking)
(dramatic music continues) (thunder rumbling)
- Yoo-hoo chickens.
God was finally listening to me.
- Told you.
- And, and suddenly I found this flyer for a Lamaze class.
- Hooray, another surprise, whoas (laughs).
- (laughs) Wouldn't you know.
- Sunday, Sunday, Sunday.
- The Lord's favorite day, and the class is on Sunday.
- Oh, wow.
(Dorothy laughs)
- I talked to the instructor, and, oh, here he comes.
- Hi. (romantic music)
I'm Patrick.
- I think he's blind.
I gotta go help him.
Mm-hmm.
- So, you've met my mother.
- I have.
Nice to meet you and your mother.
You really don't have to hold onto me.
- Oh, I'm just helping.
- [Patrick] I have low vision, and I'm very capable.
- Oh, I can see.
- Interesting choice of words.
- I'm sorry. - It's okay.
(Dorothy laughs)
Congrats, Maggie, how far along are you?
- About 20 weeks.
- How's it been?
- Good, mainly just a lot of vomit (laughs).
- (laughs) Sounds about right.
A shot of ginger tea in the morning can work wonders.
Most women don't start the Lamaze class
till the third trimester.
You're in the second, so it's something
to think about. (chimes jingling)
- I'll think about that ass.
- Shut up. - There's one
starting in 15 minutes right across the street.
- You should come check it out, (exhales)
see what you're in for.
- Uh, what do you think, Max?
- Max, must be the father.
Hi, I'm Patrick.
(record scratching)
- (laughing) Hi, I'm Patrick.
(Patrick laughing)
- No, I'm Patrick.
It's okay to be a little nervous.
A lot of men don't know
what a Lamaze class is gonna be like,
so maybe it would be good to get a taste of it.
- I don't want taste. (air whooshing)
I want the whole damn thing and dessert,
two scoops with some whipped cream and some cherries,
you know, the one that you put in your mouth,
and then you twirl your tongue around,
and you, like, take it out
and go- - I would love
for you to come.
- Yeah, we could.
Um, I, (laughing) I could.
(Maggie laughing)
- You could what?
(gasps) Oh, I get it.
(Divine laughing) (bright music)
(Divine imitates splashing sound)
- [Narrator] "Womb Envy" is created by Champagna,
written by Mark Keller, produced by Charlie David,
directed by Jake Horowitz.
Cinematography by Paul Maxwell.
"Womb Envy" is produced and distributed
by Border2Border Entertainment in association
with AMI and OUTtv.
Integrated Described Video by AMI
featuring Daniel Fernandes, Storm Steenson,
Jeffrey Hasse, Helen Holtham, Champagna, and Luke Avoledo.
(bright music continues)
Copyright 2023, Border2Border Entertainment.
(water splashing)