1 00:00:04,589 --> 00:00:08,676 - ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪ 2 00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:12,764 ♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪ 3 00:00:12,847 --> 00:00:18,561 ♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪ 4 00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:20,688 ♪ ♪ 5 00:00:20,772 --> 00:00:25,234 ♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪ 6 00:00:25,318 --> 00:00:29,447 ♪ I present no explanations ♪ 7 00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:33,034 ♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪ 8 00:00:33,117 --> 00:00:37,330 ♪ To satiate for long ♪ 9 00:00:37,413 --> 00:00:41,334 ♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪ 10 00:00:41,417 --> 00:00:47,381 ♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪ 11 00:00:47,465 --> 00:00:49,467 [bell rings] 12 00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:52,136 - Guys, can we have an honest talk? 13 00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:54,138 I get it, you're little kids, 14 00:00:54,222 --> 00:00:57,225 and when it comes to art, you're kind of phoning it in. 15 00:00:57,308 --> 00:00:59,101 But what the eff am I looking at here? 16 00:00:59,185 --> 00:01:01,437 Nelson, is that the Statue of Liberty 17 00:01:01,521 --> 00:01:03,689 or Joy Behar holding a flashlight? 18 00:01:03,773 --> 00:01:05,483 - You know what? I'll take another pass at it. 19 00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:08,528 - Dakota, does that look like a banana to you 20 00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:09,862 or a yellow Johnson? 21 00:01:09,946 --> 00:01:11,197 - What's a Johnson? 22 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:12,865 - I'm--that is not my responsibility. 23 00:01:12,949 --> 00:01:14,325 And, Tom. - Hey there. 24 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:15,993 - Yeah, uh, if you draw another sunset, 25 00:01:16,077 --> 00:01:18,663 I'm gonna blow my brains out. - Okay. 26 00:01:18,746 --> 00:01:21,707 - I try to encourage you kids, but, Tom, 27 00:01:21,791 --> 00:01:24,043 you might be the worst artist who's ever lived. 28 00:01:24,126 --> 00:01:25,378 - Oh, no, my mom disagrees. 29 00:01:25,461 --> 00:01:26,462 She said I'm like her little Picasso. 30 00:01:26,546 --> 00:01:28,130 - This is the problem, 31 00:01:28,214 --> 00:01:29,799 these overly supportive parents. 32 00:01:29,882 --> 00:01:31,217 - She's just saying I'm great. She's just saying I'm-- 33 00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:32,802 - I'm gonna say this to help, 34 00:01:32,885 --> 00:01:36,097 but Picasso had more talent in his rear end 35 00:01:36,180 --> 00:01:38,057 than you have in your entire body. 36 00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:39,725 - Nah, his rear end couldn't even hold a pencil. 37 00:01:39,809 --> 00:01:41,060 - Sure, it could. - How? 38 00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:42,770 - If he clenched at the right angle... 39 00:01:42,854 --> 00:01:44,146 - That's a stretch. 40 00:01:44,230 --> 00:01:45,982 - His butt could easily hold a pencil. 41 00:01:46,065 --> 00:01:47,650 - I don't think he could even see the canvas from that angle. 42 00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:50,361 - Am I really having this conversation? Ugh! 43 00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:53,656 - Oh, my God. - Oh-ho-ho-ho. Oh, my God. 44 00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:55,157 - Mrs. Fern? - What? 45 00:01:55,241 --> 00:01:56,868 - You seem really stressed out. Are you okay? 46 00:01:56,951 --> 00:01:58,536 - Yeah, here's the deal, you guys. 47 00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:00,413 Gather round. 48 00:02:00,496 --> 00:02:03,249 The arts program is at risk of being defunded. 49 00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:04,166 - Oh. 50 00:02:04,250 --> 00:02:05,293 - So I need you kids 51 00:02:05,376 --> 00:02:06,878 to start showing results, 52 00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:08,462 or I could be out of a job. 53 00:02:08,546 --> 00:02:10,256 - We love you, Mrs. Fern. We're gonna try harder, okay? 54 00:02:10,339 --> 00:02:11,924 - Your assignment is to draw something 55 00:02:12,008 --> 00:02:13,509 that shows your school spirit, okay? 56 00:02:13,593 --> 00:02:15,553 Could be a classroom, a soccer field. 57 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:16,929 - Can I just bang out a sunset, or-- 58 00:02:17,013 --> 00:02:19,181 - No! No sunsets! 59 00:02:19,265 --> 00:02:21,058 [insects chirping, dog barking] 60 00:02:21,142 --> 00:02:24,103 - Okay, Wendy, Tom's gonna have fun with his art stuff. 61 00:02:24,186 --> 00:02:26,147 Got a date with a dentist named Kenny. 62 00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:29,400 He's pretty boring, but hey, free dinner. [laughs] 63 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,861 - I don't need to know all that. 64 00:02:31,944 --> 00:02:34,405 - That's fair, Wendy. Okay, guys, have fun. 65 00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:37,116 - All right, have fun on the weird date. 66 00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:39,994 - Oh, hey, Tomas. - I don't go by Tomas. 67 00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:41,579 - How's your art project? 68 00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,915 - My art teacher said if Picasso would put a brush 69 00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:46,751 into his rear end, he could paint better than I can. 70 00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,169 - That's terrible. 71 00:02:48,252 --> 00:02:49,795 Kids should be encouraged with their creativity. 72 00:02:49,879 --> 00:02:51,964 - No, I shouldn't be. I'm really bad. 73 00:02:52,048 --> 00:02:54,425 - Let me help. I'm an artist. Let me just take a look. 74 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:55,885 Okay, and-- - What are you doing? 75 00:02:55,968 --> 00:02:57,094 - Oh, wow. - Don't touch it. 76 00:02:57,178 --> 00:02:58,554 Don't touch it. - Ah, yes. 77 00:02:58,638 --> 00:02:59,972 - Can you stop? No, no, no. 78 00:03:00,056 --> 00:03:02,016 - Oh, wow, now it's popping. - Please. 79 00:03:02,099 --> 00:03:03,684 - Oh, okay, the muse is here. 80 00:03:03,768 --> 00:03:05,519 - Wait, is this helping, or are you just doing it? 81 00:03:05,603 --> 00:03:07,188 - The muse is here! - Where's my mom? 82 00:03:07,271 --> 00:03:08,773 Where's the emergency number? 83 00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,441 You really have to put the art down. I've gotta-- 84 00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,818 - Tom, artists have assistants help all the time. 85 00:03:12,902 --> 00:03:15,196 - I'm literally doing nothing. I'm eating string cheese. 86 00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:17,615 - It's called a stringed cheese, okay? 87 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:20,493 You don't nibble on it like some sort of monster. 88 00:03:20,576 --> 00:03:23,162 Okay, Tom? - Yeah. 89 00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:24,580 - Now you are done. 90 00:03:24,664 --> 00:03:26,832 [choir vocalizing angelically] 91 00:03:26,916 --> 00:03:28,668 - Oh, my God, that's amazing. 92 00:03:28,751 --> 00:03:30,252 - You did that, Tom. Wow. 93 00:03:30,336 --> 00:03:32,505 - Me? I can't hand that in. I didn't draw anything. 94 00:03:32,588 --> 00:03:35,967 - We were both here, and the art happened. 95 00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:39,470 So, like, who's to say who even did what? 96 00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:43,683 Oh, Tom, please, don't eat it that way. 97 00:03:45,351 --> 00:03:47,645 - Okay, kids, I'm seeing signs of improvement, 98 00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:51,691 but this is really not, uh, "moving the needle." 99 00:03:51,774 --> 00:03:53,526 - Yeah, Nelson, what am I looking at here? 100 00:03:53,609 --> 00:03:55,194 - You know what? To be honest, I feel like this piece just-- 101 00:03:55,277 --> 00:03:56,696 it's just really getting away from me. 102 00:03:56,779 --> 00:03:58,906 - Dakota, did my whole anti-banana speech 103 00:03:58,990 --> 00:04:00,199 not get through to you? 104 00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:01,492 - I'm just not a creative person. 105 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:02,535 That's the bottom line. 106 00:04:02,618 --> 00:04:03,619 - Yeah, no kidding. 107 00:04:03,703 --> 00:04:05,413 Wow! Wait a minute. 108 00:04:05,496 --> 00:04:07,707 Is this--Tom, you did this? 109 00:04:07,790 --> 00:04:10,835 - You know, I believe I did. - Kind of blown away here. 110 00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:12,586 - I think your mean-spirited, harsh criticism 111 00:04:12,670 --> 00:04:14,380 really, uh, inspired me. 112 00:04:14,463 --> 00:04:17,633 - Class, this is talent. 113 00:04:17,717 --> 00:04:19,969 Compared to Tom, the rest of you look like idiots. 114 00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:21,512 - I wouldn't say that. 115 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:24,765 - Tom's read end is a better artist than some of you. 116 00:04:24,849 --> 00:04:25,933 - Enough with the rear end comparisons. 117 00:04:26,017 --> 00:04:27,351 Not everyone reacts to that. 118 00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:29,020 - Tom, you are what we call a prodigy. 119 00:04:29,103 --> 00:04:30,271 - No. - And you 120 00:04:30,354 --> 00:04:32,440 are gonna save this arts program. 121 00:04:32,523 --> 00:04:35,568 You are a hero and a legend. 122 00:04:35,651 --> 00:04:38,779 Hey, Principal! Look at what Tom did! 123 00:04:38,863 --> 00:04:41,240 I'm teaching a genius in here. 124 00:04:41,324 --> 00:04:42,783 - She really needs to find a middle ground 125 00:04:42,867 --> 00:04:44,577 with her feedback, don't y'all think? 126 00:04:44,660 --> 00:04:46,245 - First of all, thank you for coming in. 127 00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:49,165 And, uh, ooh, I hate to ask this, but who are you? 128 00:04:49,248 --> 00:04:51,250 - He's Kenny. - He's a dentist I'm dating. 129 00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:53,127 It's not a big deal. He likes to tag along. 130 00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:55,588 - I'm actually a periodontist, which deals more 131 00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:57,256 with the gums and bone-- - Yeah, okay. 132 00:04:57,339 --> 00:05:00,092 I mean, he's boring as hell, but he's very loaded. 133 00:05:00,176 --> 00:05:01,343 Anyway, 'sup? 134 00:05:01,427 --> 00:05:03,846 - I am so excited about Tom's talent. 135 00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:05,014 - Oh, no. - I'm being told 136 00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:06,057 he's an art prodigy. 137 00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:07,141 - No, I'm not. No, please. 138 00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:08,601 I literally drew one squirrel. 139 00:05:08,684 --> 00:05:09,643 - Here's the deal. 140 00:05:09,727 --> 00:05:11,353 The superintendent of schools 141 00:05:11,437 --> 00:05:13,773 is threatening to yank our funding for the arts program. 142 00:05:13,856 --> 00:05:15,316 - What? That's terrible. 143 00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:17,109 - And she calls me an idiot in front of the kids, 144 00:05:17,193 --> 00:05:19,278 and I don't show it bothers me, but it really does! 145 00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:21,072 - What a terrible bitch. - That's insulting. 146 00:05:21,155 --> 00:05:26,118 - Yes! So I want to use Tom's art to stick it to her, 147 00:05:26,202 --> 00:05:27,620 you know? - What? 148 00:05:27,703 --> 00:05:29,497 - So--yeah, show her that I'm getting results here. 149 00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:31,123 - Sounds like you've got some personal issues to deal with. 150 00:05:31,207 --> 00:05:32,583 - Listen, Tom-- 151 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,043 - Can we leave me out of whatever weird stuff's 152 00:05:34,126 --> 00:05:35,377 going on here? I just--no? - Oh, Tom. 153 00:05:35,461 --> 00:05:36,754 - Yeah? - Look at me. 154 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,380 - Kenny, say something. - Uh, you know-- 155 00:05:38,464 --> 00:05:40,800 - All right, it's, like, a tiny favor. 156 00:05:40,883 --> 00:05:42,301 - No. 157 00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:44,345 - Just draw me a huge mural on the gym that covers... 158 00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:46,514 - Please. - The entire rear wall. 159 00:05:46,597 --> 00:05:47,723 - No. - It's of the school... 160 00:05:47,807 --> 00:05:49,141 - Stop. - And it includes 161 00:05:49,225 --> 00:05:50,726 all the teachers... - It's a nightmare. 162 00:05:50,810 --> 00:05:52,186 - With me on the front steps looking heroic. 163 00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:53,813 - Kenny! - If you draw it normal size, 164 00:05:53,896 --> 00:05:56,190 we can just blow it up. Have fun with it. 165 00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:58,192 - I really think you're overestimating my talent. 166 00:05:58,275 --> 00:06:00,111 - Principal, is there any money involved here? 167 00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:03,072 - Go along with this, I'll slip you a few grand on the side. 168 00:06:03,155 --> 00:06:04,323 - I think we're in. - Oh, no. 169 00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:05,449 - You know what? It pays to have 170 00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:07,159 an art prodigy for a son. 171 00:06:07,243 --> 00:06:08,494 - You know, some people say periodontal work 172 00:06:08,577 --> 00:06:10,079 is an art form. - Just be cool. 173 00:06:10,162 --> 00:06:11,413 - Kenny, be cool. - Okay. 174 00:06:11,497 --> 00:06:12,498 - You should chime in less often. 175 00:06:12,581 --> 00:06:13,541 - Please. - Sorry. 176 00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:15,167 [birds chirping] 177 00:06:15,251 --> 00:06:18,295 - Hey, uh, babysitter? - Oh, hi. 178 00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:21,006 Weird, weird, seeing you in a different context. 179 00:06:21,090 --> 00:06:22,675 Wow, okay, let me get there. 180 00:06:22,758 --> 00:06:24,093 - Can we just kinda talk one-on-one? 181 00:06:24,176 --> 00:06:25,845 You know, like, babysitter to baby? 182 00:06:25,928 --> 00:06:29,014 - Mm, I'm working but, uh-- - Real quick, here's the thing. 183 00:06:29,098 --> 00:06:30,432 I think you might have overencouraged me 184 00:06:30,516 --> 00:06:32,017 with my art. - Uh-huh. 185 00:06:32,101 --> 00:06:33,853 - Now everyone thinks I'm, like, a prodigy of sorts. 186 00:06:33,936 --> 00:06:35,354 - Oh, I'm glad I could help. - No, it's not help. 187 00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:36,730 It's a nightmare. They've commissioned me 188 00:06:36,814 --> 00:06:38,315 to do a mural, and I can't do it. 189 00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:39,650 I need you to do it again. 190 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:42,027 - Okay, Tom, I get paid for my work. 191 00:06:42,111 --> 00:06:43,362 Last time, I was on the clock. 192 00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:45,030 - You were on the clock for babysitting. 193 00:06:45,114 --> 00:06:47,908 - Yes, it was a paid job. - No. 194 00:06:47,992 --> 00:06:49,994 - So if you need me to draw again, 195 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,662 you're gonna have to get out your checkbook. 196 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,205 - Can I be honest? - Sure. 197 00:06:53,289 --> 00:06:55,416 - I kind of see you as, like, a second mom. 198 00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:58,043 - Tom. - We're practically family. 199 00:06:58,127 --> 00:06:59,879 - You called me Babysitter when you came in. 200 00:06:59,962 --> 00:07:02,673 - I call my mom Mom. I don't call her... 201 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:04,049 whatever her first name is. 202 00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:06,927 - Oh, Tomas, come on, please. 203 00:07:07,011 --> 00:07:08,554 I sat on your couch for three hours, 204 00:07:08,637 --> 00:07:10,097 put you to bed, and then smoked weed in your bathroom. 205 00:07:10,181 --> 00:07:12,141 So I think you're vastly overestimating 206 00:07:12,224 --> 00:07:13,225 how tight we are. 207 00:07:13,309 --> 00:07:16,395 [birds chirping, horn honking] 208 00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:17,813 [door clicks open and shut] 209 00:07:17,897 --> 00:07:19,899 - Oh, this is not good. This is not good. 210 00:07:19,982 --> 00:07:21,150 Oh, think, Tom, think. 211 00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:22,484 What would Picasso's rear end do? 212 00:07:22,568 --> 00:07:23,819 What would Picasso's rear end do? 213 00:07:23,903 --> 00:07:25,279 - Tom, what kind of entrance is that? 214 00:07:25,362 --> 00:07:26,488 - Did I walk into your house? I'm sorry. 215 00:07:26,572 --> 00:07:28,073 - Most people say hi or hello. 216 00:07:28,157 --> 00:07:29,617 You're gonna walk into-- - I don't have time for "hi"s. 217 00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,076 I don't have time for "hello"s. 218 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:33,204 I need to create an epic drawing 219 00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:37,333 filled with detail, texture, and nuance of the school 220 00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:39,710 by tomorrow. - So draw it. You the best. 221 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,045 - I'm not the best. - What? 222 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,504 - I'm the worst. - What do you mean? 223 00:07:42,588 --> 00:07:43,797 - I'm terrible. It's all a lie, Nelson. 224 00:07:43,881 --> 00:07:45,090 I'm not a good painter. - Oh! 225 00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:46,425 - The babysitter drew it for me. 226 00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:47,801 - You know what? That makes more sense. 227 00:07:47,885 --> 00:07:48,928 - You thought I was a good artist. 228 00:07:49,011 --> 00:07:50,429 How long have you known me? 229 00:07:50,512 --> 00:07:52,097 - Sometimes it good to have hope in people. 230 00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:53,849 - Am I too young to drink? What do you have here? 231 00:07:53,933 --> 00:07:55,768 - Tom, Tom, stop! - MARTINI & ROSSI? 232 00:07:55,851 --> 00:07:57,269 What is this? - Look at yourself! 233 00:07:57,353 --> 00:07:58,687 You're spiraling out of control, brother. 234 00:07:58,771 --> 00:08:00,231 - Do people drink Schnapps these days? 235 00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:01,815 Is that still popular? - Schnapps? Calm down. 236 00:08:01,899 --> 00:08:03,150 I ain't gonna let you go this low. 237 00:08:03,234 --> 00:08:04,735 I got something for you. Follow me. 238 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:07,029 Screaming out, "Picasso," that's offensive. 239 00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:09,156 We're a Basquiat household. 240 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:10,991 Yeah, my dad is a big art collector. 241 00:08:11,075 --> 00:08:14,370 Feast your eyes. - Oh, wow, now, that's art. 242 00:08:14,453 --> 00:08:15,829 I feel like I'm in the Louvre. 243 00:08:15,913 --> 00:08:17,790 - Yeah, don't it have that feeling to it? 244 00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:19,291 - Oh, my--this is amazing. 245 00:08:19,375 --> 00:08:21,210 - If he dies, I get all this. 246 00:08:21,293 --> 00:08:22,795 Is your dad in all of them, or is he-- 247 00:08:22,878 --> 00:08:24,964 - Yeah, man, and maybe this guy--you know, 248 00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:26,799 he does great work of my dad, 249 00:08:26,882 --> 00:08:28,550 so maybe he could do this work for you. 250 00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:31,011 - You think this artist would do my assignment for me? 251 00:08:31,095 --> 00:08:32,554 - Let's take a trip to the arts district. 252 00:08:32,638 --> 00:08:34,181 - Shady Oaks has an arts district? 253 00:08:34,265 --> 00:08:36,267 - Yeah, SOAD, Shady Oaks Arts District. 254 00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:37,851 - Can you ride your bide there? 255 00:08:37,935 --> 00:08:39,311 - Yeah, you just go over the railroad tracks... 256 00:08:39,395 --> 00:08:40,896 - Okay. - Cut down by the junkyard... 257 00:08:40,980 --> 00:08:42,481 - Junkyard. - Through the prostitutes. 258 00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:43,941 - Prostitutes, okay. 259 00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:46,193 - Once you make it through drug dealers row... 260 00:08:46,277 --> 00:08:47,236 - We have--okay. 261 00:08:47,319 --> 00:08:48,779 - And go behind the Walgreens 262 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:51,198 and cut through the pedophiles' playground... 263 00:08:51,282 --> 00:08:52,825 - They've cleaned that up quite a bit. 264 00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:55,202 - You're at SOAD, the Shady Oaks Arts District. 265 00:08:55,286 --> 00:08:56,578 - Let's make a trip to SOAD. 266 00:08:56,662 --> 00:08:58,247 [dramatic music] 267 00:08:58,330 --> 00:08:59,415 [bicycle bell rings] - Oh, wow, this 268 00:08:59,498 --> 00:09:00,749 really is out there, isn't it? 269 00:09:00,833 --> 00:09:02,501 - Yeah, come on. I need you to keep up. 270 00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:04,253 - Are we still in Shady Oaks? - Yeah, we're in Shady Oaks. 271 00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:06,088 We're just more on the shady side of Shady Oaks. 272 00:09:06,171 --> 00:09:08,841 - Yeah, really a lot of open-air sex acts. 273 00:09:08,924 --> 00:09:10,676 Oh, my God. 274 00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:12,136 - [growls] - Don't make eye contact. 275 00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:13,554 - Yeah, look down. - Don't make eye contact. 276 00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:15,139 - Look down. - Oh, did you see that? 277 00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:17,683 Was that a speed bump or a rat? 278 00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:19,059 - Not much of a district, is it? 279 00:09:19,143 --> 00:09:21,020 - Yeah, it needs at least a coffee shop, 280 00:09:21,103 --> 00:09:23,605 if nothing else. [buzzer blares] 281 00:09:23,689 --> 00:09:26,108 - Hi, are you the nude model or the Chinese food? 282 00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:28,527 Either way, take off your clothes and come on up. 283 00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:29,820 - What? - No, no, no, no, no. 284 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,363 It's Nelson. - Nelson and Tom. 285 00:09:31,447 --> 00:09:32,865 - My dad's the one who commissioned a painting 286 00:09:32,948 --> 00:09:34,533 of himself on a horse. - Say no more. 287 00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:36,702 I smell money from up here. Buzzing you in. 288 00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:39,204 - Really an odd personality for an artist. 289 00:09:39,288 --> 00:09:40,581 - Yeah, stay close. 290 00:09:40,664 --> 00:09:41,957 - Hey, guys, intercom's still on. 291 00:09:42,041 --> 00:09:43,250 I can hear you. Come on up! 292 00:09:43,334 --> 00:09:44,543 - Hey, we're coming up. 293 00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:46,670 Oh, wow, look at this studio. 294 00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:47,880 - Oh, that's nice. 295 00:09:47,963 --> 00:09:48,922 - What are you guys looking to buy? 296 00:09:49,006 --> 00:09:50,549 More art for your dad? 297 00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:52,217 - Oh, no, actually, we're not here to buy anything. 298 00:09:52,301 --> 00:09:53,802 I need a favor. I need a drawing 299 00:09:53,886 --> 00:09:55,387 of my grade school... - Uh-huh. 300 00:09:55,471 --> 00:09:57,222 - And we were hoping you could kinda bang it out. 301 00:09:57,306 --> 00:09:58,849 - Yeah, look, look, my dad would consider it 302 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,351 a personal favor. 303 00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:02,019 - Yeah, kid, look, I--I hate to break it to you, 304 00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:03,645 but your dad is a pain in my ass. 305 00:10:03,729 --> 00:10:04,897 - Whoa. - All right, I've been working 306 00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:06,231 on his portrait for over a year. 307 00:10:06,315 --> 00:10:07,232 Look at this. - Whoa. 308 00:10:07,316 --> 00:10:08,692 - Uh-huh. - Oh, wow. 309 00:10:08,776 --> 00:10:10,194 - And he keeps asking me, "More chest hair." 310 00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:11,904 - More chest hair? - And I refuse to do it. 311 00:10:11,987 --> 00:10:13,405 - It's already a lot. - I know. 312 00:10:13,489 --> 00:10:14,698 - Oh, please, come on, 313 00:10:14,782 --> 00:10:16,200 the whole Shady Oaks Art Department 314 00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:18,077 is counting on me. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 315 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:19,995 You go to Shady Oaks? - Shady Oaks Elementary, yeah. 316 00:10:20,079 --> 00:10:21,372 - Yep. - SOE! 317 00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:22,915 - SOE. - My alma mater! 318 00:10:22,998 --> 00:10:24,333 Is--is the principal still there? 319 00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:25,959 Chubby guy, bad dresser, real idiot? 320 00:10:26,043 --> 00:10:28,253 - Yep, still here. - Well, you know what? 321 00:10:28,337 --> 00:10:29,546 I'll do it. - You'll do it? 322 00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,048 - Yes! - That's amazing. 323 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,633 - Yeah, in fact, you can pick it up in the morning. 324 00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:33,801 How about that? And when you hand it to him, 325 00:10:33,884 --> 00:10:35,135 look him in the eye and say, 326 00:10:35,219 --> 00:10:38,972 "Scott from the class of '04 says hi." 327 00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:40,099 - Okay. 328 00:10:40,182 --> 00:10:41,433 - And then make a creepy grimace 329 00:10:41,517 --> 00:10:42,643 just like this. Look at me. 330 00:10:42,726 --> 00:10:46,438 Eeeeeeeeh. 331 00:10:46,522 --> 00:10:47,940 You got it? 332 00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:49,483 - Can't just say you said hi and leave it at that? 333 00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:51,276 - Just look him in the eye, fellas, will ya? 334 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,862 - Oh, Tom, Tom, we gotta go. Our bikes are being stolen. 335 00:10:53,946 --> 00:10:55,322 - What? Oh, no. 336 00:10:55,406 --> 00:10:56,949 - This arts district is only half a block wide, 337 00:10:57,032 --> 00:10:59,201 but it's a terrible part of town. 338 00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:00,285 - Hello, everybody. 339 00:11:00,369 --> 00:11:02,538 Uh, Madam Superintendent, 340 00:11:02,621 --> 00:11:04,665 we do have one last piece of art 341 00:11:04,748 --> 00:11:07,376 to share with you from just our prodigy, 342 00:11:07,459 --> 00:11:08,919 our star student. 343 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,922 Why don't you read a quick artist's statement, Tom? 344 00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:13,298 - Oh, I don't have anything prepared. 345 00:11:13,382 --> 00:11:15,050 I let my brushes do the talking. 346 00:11:15,134 --> 00:11:17,219 - No, you just speak from the heart. 347 00:11:17,302 --> 00:11:20,472 - All right, let me ask you folks, what is art? 348 00:11:20,556 --> 00:11:22,141 Is it just something babysitters do 349 00:11:22,224 --> 00:11:23,475 to pass the time? 350 00:11:23,559 --> 00:11:25,936 I believe art can come from a child 351 00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:29,314 as easily as it can come from a grown man's rear end. 352 00:11:29,398 --> 00:11:30,649 - Thank you. 353 00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:32,860 - All right, well, thank you for listening. 354 00:11:32,943 --> 00:11:36,655 Hope you enjoy it. It's called "Tom's Dream." 355 00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:38,824 [crowd gasps] 356 00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:41,118 - Oh, shit. - What is this? 357 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,786 - You don't like it? What's wrong? 358 00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:44,830 - Can someone please tell me what I am looking at? 359 00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:46,790 - It's just, he's-- he's with the school mascot. 360 00:11:46,874 --> 00:11:49,001 They're-- they just won a soccer game. 361 00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:50,878 - I don't understand why you would do this, 362 00:11:50,961 --> 00:11:53,297 especially after all my encouragement. 363 00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:54,840 - This is all my fault. You know what? 364 00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,258 Why don't you keep the five grand 365 00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:57,676 you were gonna pay me for the painting? 366 00:11:57,759 --> 00:11:59,052 - Ugh. - Wait. 367 00:11:59,136 --> 00:12:01,472 - You spent $5,000 of school funds 368 00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:04,183 on a painting of you being humped by a squirrel? 369 00:12:04,266 --> 00:12:06,435 - He gave us the credit card and said, "Go big, or go home." 370 00:12:06,518 --> 00:12:07,978 That's how much the guy cares. 371 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,397 - Okay, obviously, he's drunk. Let me explain. 372 00:12:10,481 --> 00:12:12,983 - Oh, no. I'm leaving. And guess what. 373 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,359 That mural is gonna become 374 00:12:14,443 --> 00:12:16,695 a permanent installation in this school 375 00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:18,071 'cause I want it to act as a reminder 376 00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:19,573 to future generations 377 00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:22,701 as to what a complete jackass you were. 378 00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:26,121 - I feel like we should have gone 379 00:12:26,205 --> 00:12:27,956 with Dakota's yellow Johnson drawings. 380 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:29,416 - I always thought they were nice. 381 00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:31,168 Oh, and, Principal, I almost forgot. 382 00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:32,669 Scott says hi? 383 00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:35,172 Creepy guy? Class of '04? 384 00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:36,507 No? 385 00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:39,510 [smooth music] 386 00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:41,845 ♪ ♪ 387 00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:44,348 [whistle blows] 388 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,558 - Okay, team, everyone has scored a goal this season 389 00:12:46,642 --> 00:12:47,684 except for Tom. 390 00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:49,061 So let's try to pass to him. 391 00:12:49,144 --> 00:12:50,562 - Yeah, I'm better than I look, guys. 392 00:12:50,646 --> 00:12:52,981 Nimble, strong, fast, agile, 393 00:12:53,065 --> 00:12:54,191 the whole--the whole package. 394 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,567 - Oh, please, come on. 395 00:12:55,651 --> 00:12:57,319 Enough with this jibber-jabber already. 396 00:12:57,402 --> 00:12:59,863 - Like I was saying, we're here to support each other 397 00:12:59,947 --> 00:13:00,906 and have fun. 398 00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:02,407 - I think you all should know 399 00:13:02,491 --> 00:13:05,077 that my son should be on the all-star team 400 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:08,163 and not playing with these bimbo nimrods. 401 00:13:08,247 --> 00:13:09,748 - Are we nimrods? What's happening. 402 00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:10,791 - Lady, pipe down. 403 00:13:10,874 --> 00:13:11,959 You can say whatever you want 404 00:13:12,042 --> 00:13:13,460 about these other nimrods... 405 00:13:13,544 --> 00:13:14,920 - Let's be supportive. 406 00:13:15,003 --> 00:13:16,588 - But Tom is great at everything he tires. 407 00:13:16,672 --> 00:13:17,881 - Yeah, I'm pretty solid. 408 00:13:17,965 --> 00:13:19,299 - Your son is a failed bassoonist, 409 00:13:19,383 --> 00:13:22,553 and he crapped his pants at Little League. 410 00:13:22,636 --> 00:13:24,054 - Coach, why don't we wrap up the pep talk? 411 00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:26,348 This is really not-- not pepping us up. 412 00:13:26,431 --> 00:13:28,225 - ♪ 'Cause I'm a powerful woman ♪ 413 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:29,893 ♪ Always get what I want ♪ 414 00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,062 - Ugh, that woman is so annoying. 415 00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,982 She ruins every soccer game. - I don't wish ill upon people, 416 00:13:35,065 --> 00:13:37,609 but I went to church last week to pray that she dies. 417 00:13:37,693 --> 00:13:38,902 - [clears throat] 418 00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,571 Hi, I know you're talking about my wife. 419 00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:42,489 - Uh, no! Your wife? 420 00:13:42,573 --> 00:13:44,116 - Your wife is great. - Love your wife. 421 00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:45,909 - We were talking about a different wife. 422 00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:48,787 - There's no need to deny it. I mean, she is a nightmare. 423 00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:51,290 Listen, can I show you guys something over here? 424 00:13:51,373 --> 00:13:52,749 - Behind the dumpster? 425 00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:54,543 [intriguing music] 426 00:13:54,626 --> 00:13:56,169 - Okay, I know what this is, Nurse. 427 00:13:56,253 --> 00:13:58,088 This is a dumpster blow job scenario. 428 00:13:58,171 --> 00:13:59,631 - Wh-- - Absolutely not. 429 00:13:59,715 --> 00:14:00,757 - Okay, forget I said it. 430 00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:02,009 What do you want to talk about? 431 00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:03,635 - Tell me if society 432 00:14:03,719 --> 00:14:05,470 would frown on something like this 433 00:14:05,554 --> 00:14:07,306 and if this is inappropriate, 434 00:14:07,389 --> 00:14:10,475 but what if we slip her some kind of sedative? 435 00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:11,810 - Wait, what? 436 00:14:11,893 --> 00:14:13,478 - I mean, is that wrong? - Yes, it's wrong. 437 00:14:13,562 --> 00:14:14,980 I can't believe you just said that. 438 00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:16,273 - Nurse, let's hear him out. 439 00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:17,899 - Are you listening to yourselves? 440 00:14:17,983 --> 00:14:20,110 - I am listening, and I'm hearing some stuff I like. 441 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:21,903 What kind of sedative are you thinking? 442 00:14:21,987 --> 00:14:24,031 - You know, mild. Mild to heavy. 443 00:14:24,114 --> 00:14:25,824 - No! - Okay, yeah! 444 00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:27,159 Mild to heavy sedatives. 445 00:14:27,242 --> 00:14:29,161 - No, no, no, no. - You're the school nurse. 446 00:14:29,244 --> 00:14:31,496 So the whole thing would be medically supervised. 447 00:14:31,580 --> 00:14:32,998 - I mean-- 448 00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:34,666 - A lot of these drugs, they're basically harmless. 449 00:14:34,750 --> 00:14:37,169 It's like drinking a glass or two of chardonnay. 450 00:14:37,252 --> 00:14:39,838 - [inhales deeply] - You gotta save the kids. 451 00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:42,090 - Who else, if not the school nurse, 452 00:14:42,174 --> 00:14:45,260 will these children look up to in life? 453 00:14:45,344 --> 00:14:46,762 - You know what? Count me in. 454 00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:49,306 - All right! - I feel good about this! 455 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,307 [whistle blows] 456 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,309 - Here we go, guys! Yes! 457 00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:53,727 Good job! 458 00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:54,936 Come on, y'all! 459 00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:57,356 There it is! There it is! 460 00:14:57,439 --> 00:14:58,649 Whoo! 461 00:14:58,732 --> 00:14:59,733 [laughs] 462 00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:01,193 That's it! 463 00:15:01,276 --> 00:15:02,527 That's what I'm talking about! 464 00:15:02,611 --> 00:15:03,862 That's what I'm talking about! 465 00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:05,155 Good job. 466 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,240 Come on, y'all! - Hey, parents, uh-oh. 467 00:15:07,324 --> 00:15:10,202 What's this? Free hot chocolates. 468 00:15:10,285 --> 00:15:13,080 - What a surprise! - How unexpected. 469 00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:14,456 - Yeah, help yourselves, 470 00:15:14,539 --> 00:15:16,833 but the cups are very specifically labeled, 471 00:15:16,917 --> 00:15:18,293 so no swapping. 472 00:15:18,377 --> 00:15:20,712 - Oh, no one's swapping anything, Brad. Relax. 473 00:15:20,796 --> 00:15:23,965 [suspenseful music, heartbeat thumping] 474 00:15:24,049 --> 00:15:25,217 [whistle blows] 475 00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:26,677 - All you kids are gonna have fun. 476 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,220 Let's get Tom the ball. - Oh, please. 477 00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:29,805 Leave mine here, 'cause I need to go talk 478 00:15:29,888 --> 00:15:32,808 to this jackass coach. - Oh, no. 479 00:15:32,891 --> 00:15:34,393 - Sure, but keep an eye on it. 480 00:15:34,476 --> 00:15:35,977 I don't want anyone swapping it. 481 00:15:36,061 --> 00:15:39,106 - Relax, you are such a weirdo. 482 00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:42,067 - Hey, we never formally met. My name's Tom. 483 00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:45,153 - Shut up. - Shut up? Okay, that's fine. 484 00:15:45,237 --> 00:15:46,822 All right, let's just get this over with. 485 00:15:46,905 --> 00:15:48,573 - Look, if I pass it to you today, 486 00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:50,325 it's because I believe in you. - Thank you. 487 00:15:50,409 --> 00:15:52,744 - Not because Coach said, "Pass it to the dud." 488 00:15:52,828 --> 00:15:54,413 - He calls me the dud behind my back? 489 00:15:54,496 --> 00:15:56,581 - Nah, nobody calls you dud, but even if they did, 490 00:15:56,665 --> 00:15:57,749 you're still our teammate, you know, 491 00:15:57,833 --> 00:15:58,792 and we've got your back, so-- 492 00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:00,127 - Why even bring it up? 493 00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:01,670 - I'm just saying there's a possibility 494 00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:03,422 that throughout the game, people are gonna be like, 495 00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:04,631 "Hey, pass it to the dud." 496 00:16:04,715 --> 00:16:06,383 You know, who cares? - The dud? 497 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:07,551 That's not even a creative nickname. 498 00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:08,844 Come on, guys. 499 00:16:08,927 --> 00:16:10,387 All right, I'll catch up in a minute. 500 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,472 Free drinks, sweet. - Oh, no, no, no. 501 00:16:12,556 --> 00:16:14,850 - Hey, Double D, want a drink? Good energy boost. 502 00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:17,602 - Do not drink it. I can't stress this enough. 503 00:16:17,686 --> 00:16:19,771 - Your wife is right. You need to relax. [slurps] 504 00:16:19,855 --> 00:16:21,606 All right, let's play some soccer. 505 00:16:21,690 --> 00:16:22,899 - Oh, dear God. 506 00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:25,026 [whistle blows] - All right, guys, yeah! 507 00:16:25,110 --> 00:16:28,822 - [wheezing] 508 00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:31,533 crowd: Aw! - Ah, I'm exhausted. 509 00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:33,285 - Look alive, man! You're never gonna score a-- 510 00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:34,911 - Nelson, is it considered acceptable 511 00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:36,329 to take a nap mid-game? - No. 512 00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:38,039 - No? - What are you thinking? 513 00:16:38,123 --> 00:16:39,291 - Quick, like, a quick one. - No, you can't take a nap. 514 00:16:39,374 --> 00:16:40,625 In the middle of the field? 515 00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:42,419 - Five-minute nap. Please cover for me. 516 00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,379 - This is where the dud nickname comes from. 517 00:16:44,463 --> 00:16:46,131 [whistle blows] - Man down! 518 00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:49,509 - What is happening? - Oh, great, that does it. 519 00:16:49,593 --> 00:16:52,137 This kid has got to go. - No way, lady. 520 00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:54,848 Tom's doing great out there. - He's sleeping. 521 00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:58,727 - [snoring] - He's just taking a power nap. 522 00:16:58,810 --> 00:16:59,978 - Now, on the field? 523 00:17:00,061 --> 00:17:01,980 - Come on, my son, Tom, is great. 524 00:17:02,063 --> 00:17:04,357 - Stop defending your loser. We want him gone. 525 00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:06,193 - Maybe we want you gone. 526 00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:07,986 Everybody, attention. Listen up. 527 00:17:08,069 --> 00:17:09,780 What do you say we start a petition 528 00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:12,491 to have this woman banned from these games? 529 00:17:12,574 --> 00:17:13,992 - I like that idea. 530 00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:15,952 - You can all shove your petitions up your assholes! 531 00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:18,914 - Honey, please, don't say "asshole" in front of the kids. 532 00:17:18,997 --> 00:17:20,165 Aah! 533 00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:21,500 - Don't you dare question me in public. 534 00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:22,584 [crowd gasps] - Wow! 535 00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:23,668 - Yes, ma'am. 536 00:17:23,752 --> 00:17:24,878 - How long was I asleep? 537 00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,505 This all happened in two minutes? 538 00:17:27,339 --> 00:17:29,132 - All right, everybody, thank you for coming. 539 00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:30,550 You know I appreciate it. 540 00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:32,844 I know my email said this is a PTA meeting, 541 00:17:32,928 --> 00:17:35,013 but it's--it's actually an intervention. 542 00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:37,182 - Thought so. Gear up, Dakota's mom. 543 00:17:37,265 --> 00:17:38,725 - A petition has been circulating 544 00:17:38,809 --> 00:17:40,560 to have Dakota's mom banned 545 00:17:40,644 --> 00:17:42,187 from all sporting events. 546 00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:44,064 - Wait a minute. Is that what this is about? 547 00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:45,357 - This is great! 548 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:46,858 - Dakota's mom, in the administration, 549 00:17:46,942 --> 00:17:49,486 you are what we call a "problem mom." 550 00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:52,197 - Problem mom? I'm--I'm the only one without a problem. 551 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,157 I'm looking out for my child. 552 00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:55,951 - Well, it's not just you, okay? 553 00:17:56,034 --> 00:17:57,828 We've identified three problem parents 554 00:17:57,911 --> 00:18:00,705 in the school: you, the original one; 555 00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:03,208 Randy's dad, who, quite frankly, scares me... 556 00:18:03,291 --> 00:18:05,168 - I could crack you in half. 557 00:18:05,252 --> 00:18:07,045 - And, of course, Tom's mom. 558 00:18:07,129 --> 00:18:08,505 - Hang on, wait, wait, wait, wait. 559 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,048 I'm the one who started the petition. 560 00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:12,133 I coined the phrase "problem mom." 561 00:18:12,217 --> 00:18:13,969 - Yes! That's exactly the kind of thing 562 00:18:14,052 --> 00:18:15,846 that a problem mom would do. - Wh-- 563 00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:20,392 - If you want to attend any more sporting events, 564 00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:22,102 I need you to attend this seminar. 565 00:18:22,185 --> 00:18:23,854 - "Taking It Down a Notch"? 566 00:18:23,937 --> 00:18:25,397 - It's like driving school 567 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:28,233 but for maniac parents who can't conduct themselves 568 00:18:28,316 --> 00:18:30,819 in a civilized manner around other people. 569 00:18:30,902 --> 00:18:32,237 - Fine by me. 570 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:35,073 [bombastic music playing] 571 00:18:35,157 --> 00:18:38,118 - Weird seminar music, no? 572 00:18:38,201 --> 00:18:42,581 - All right, everyone, I want to welcome you all-- 573 00:18:42,664 --> 00:18:43,915 Cut! Stop! 574 00:18:43,999 --> 00:18:45,709 [music stops] Right now. 575 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:50,088 Now, you're here because you behave like Neanderthals. 576 00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:51,131 - What? - Wait, what? 577 00:18:51,214 --> 00:18:52,507 - What did you just say? 578 00:18:52,591 --> 00:18:54,467 - Let's begin with some role-playing. 579 00:18:54,551 --> 00:18:57,929 Let's pretend I'm, say, a referee 580 00:18:58,013 --> 00:18:59,931 who just made a bad call. 581 00:19:00,015 --> 00:19:03,810 Dakota, how would, say, your mother respond? 582 00:19:03,894 --> 00:19:06,021 - Uh, she'd say, "Hey, nimrod, do you need me 583 00:19:06,104 --> 00:19:07,772 to shove that whistle up your asshole?" 584 00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:10,734 Then she'd grab the whistle and literally try to do it. 585 00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,611 - That doesn't sound like me at all. 586 00:19:12,694 --> 00:19:15,113 - Mom, that literally happened yesterday. 587 00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:17,282 - Problem mom! 588 00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:19,034 - We're making progress. 589 00:19:19,117 --> 00:19:21,578 Randy, what would your dad say? 590 00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,288 - My dad has a bit of a temper, so-- 591 00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:24,623 - You idiot! 592 00:19:24,706 --> 00:19:27,000 Why are you washing our laundry in public? 593 00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:28,585 - Dad, please! - Come on, we're out of here. 594 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:29,920 - I want to stay at the seminar. 595 00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:32,005 - Come here! - Stop dragging me! 596 00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:35,425 - We're going. We don't need this. 597 00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,636 - Difficult dad! 598 00:19:37,719 --> 00:19:38,803 - Let's move forward. 599 00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:40,680 Tom, what would your mother say? 600 00:19:40,764 --> 00:19:43,099 - Can I sit this exercise out? 601 00:19:43,183 --> 00:19:45,101 If I impersonate my mom, it's not gonna end well. 602 00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:47,354 - What do you mean, not end well, in what sense? 603 00:19:47,437 --> 00:19:48,772 - It means I'm gonna get punished. 604 00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:51,024 My mom does funny punishments, okay? 605 00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:52,817 - Tom. You know what? He's tired. 606 00:19:52,901 --> 00:19:54,319 - Name one. - I don't know, 607 00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:56,029 like making me take a bath in Mountain Dew 608 00:19:56,112 --> 00:19:57,906 and then be really sticky when I go to school 609 00:19:57,989 --> 00:20:00,283 for the next week? - Tom, let's put a sock in it. 610 00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:02,285 - Oh, my gosh. - That's so sad. 611 00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:03,995 - She'll make me, like, run around the block a few times 612 00:20:04,079 --> 00:20:06,081 with no pants on. - Oh, let's don't tell this. 613 00:20:06,164 --> 00:20:07,916 - Make me scream, "Look at my wiener! 614 00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:09,376 I should have cleaned my room." 615 00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:12,420 - So abuse but with a lighthearted twist. 616 00:20:12,504 --> 00:20:15,131 - For your info, he cleaned his room that night. 617 00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:17,842 Tell you that much. - Problem mom! 618 00:20:17,926 --> 00:20:21,638 - No, no, Jacob, please, for your own sake, don't do it. 619 00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:24,307 - Thanks for getting together, guys. 620 00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:26,184 We should have done this a long time ago. 621 00:20:26,267 --> 00:20:27,811 - Yeah, look, I want to apologize. 622 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:31,189 I really went off the rails. I need to look inward. 623 00:20:31,273 --> 00:20:32,899 I realize that now. 624 00:20:32,983 --> 00:20:36,361 - Oh, yeah, you know, being a parent is stressful. 625 00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:38,446 And I just-- I forgive everybody, 626 00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:39,739 because it's hard. - Mm. 627 00:20:39,823 --> 00:20:41,283 - And let's be honest. 628 00:20:41,366 --> 00:20:43,284 Some of us don't--just don't have the mental capacity 629 00:20:43,368 --> 00:20:45,578 to handle it. [sighs] 630 00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:47,622 - What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing. 631 00:20:47,706 --> 00:20:49,165 It's just that, you know, some people are like 632 00:20:49,249 --> 00:20:50,959 overgrown children themselves, you know? 633 00:20:51,042 --> 00:20:52,961 - I get all that, but why are you looking at me? 634 00:20:53,044 --> 00:20:54,713 - I'm looking at you 'cause I'm talking to you. 635 00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:56,923 Oh, my gosh. - Listen up, lady. 636 00:20:57,007 --> 00:20:58,383 I did this to be nice. 637 00:20:58,466 --> 00:21:00,093 I don't need a creep and a chubby bimbo 638 00:21:00,176 --> 00:21:02,053 calling me dumb while I enjoy my latte. 639 00:21:02,137 --> 00:21:03,555 - Hey, hey, hey. - That does it. 640 00:21:03,638 --> 00:21:05,265 Here, why don't you finish my Frappuccino? 641 00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:06,516 - Whoa! - Whoa! 642 00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:08,226 - Yeah. - You put it on my boobs? 643 00:21:08,309 --> 00:21:10,061 - You need something on them to make them show up. 644 00:21:10,145 --> 00:21:12,355 - You know what? Have a scone, Dakota's mom. 645 00:21:12,439 --> 00:21:14,149 - Oh, my God! - Hey, hey, hey, come on! 646 00:21:14,232 --> 00:21:16,818 Come on, hey, let's be reasonable, huh? 647 00:21:16,901 --> 00:21:18,236 Look at us! 648 00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:20,071 - Excuse me, if you're gonna pour the coffee 649 00:21:20,155 --> 00:21:22,991 on each other's boobs, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. 650 00:21:23,074 --> 00:21:26,369 - Okay, we need to finish what we started at soccer. 651 00:21:26,453 --> 00:21:27,829 - Bring it on. - Whoa! Hey! 652 00:21:27,912 --> 00:21:29,456 - Take that! In the eye! There you go! 653 00:21:29,539 --> 00:21:31,416 - Come on, now, stop. Stop it! - It's in my mouth! 654 00:21:31,499 --> 00:21:34,919 - Take it down a notch, okay? - What? 655 00:21:35,003 --> 00:21:36,337 - If you have a disagreement, 656 00:21:36,421 --> 00:21:38,757 at least have an organized fight 657 00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:40,759 where we can charge admission. 658 00:21:40,842 --> 00:21:44,137 - Oh, my God, that's a great idea. 659 00:21:44,220 --> 00:21:46,931 - Okay, you can't sit on each other in front of the doorway. 660 00:21:47,015 --> 00:21:49,517 You need to leave. - Well, Mr. Sensitive. 661 00:21:49,601 --> 00:21:52,020 - Oh, Mr. Sensitive Green Shirt. 662 00:21:52,103 --> 00:21:53,563 [bell rings] 663 00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:54,981 - Big night. Coach started a mandatory 664 00:21:55,065 --> 00:21:56,191 "pass it to Tom" rule, 665 00:21:56,274 --> 00:21:57,650 so think I might score, finally. 666 00:21:57,734 --> 00:21:59,360 - That's right, baby. I'm hyped up, man. 667 00:21:59,444 --> 00:22:00,737 Good luck out there today. 668 00:22:00,820 --> 00:22:02,238 - Thank you, Nelson. I appreciate that. 669 00:22:02,322 --> 00:22:03,740 - Hi, kids. Quick announcement here. 670 00:22:03,823 --> 00:22:05,241 I hope you're having a large day. 671 00:22:05,325 --> 00:22:06,951 Today's soccer game is canceled 672 00:22:07,035 --> 00:22:08,620 due to the overwhelming interest 673 00:22:08,703 --> 00:22:10,747 in the fight being planned in the gym. 674 00:22:10,830 --> 00:22:13,124 - Fight? What kind of lunatic is fighting in the school gym? 675 00:22:13,208 --> 00:22:15,293 - Tell your parents Tom's mom... 676 00:22:15,376 --> 00:22:17,796 - Oh, no. - Will fight Dakota's mom... 677 00:22:17,879 --> 00:22:18,880 - Oh, my goodness. 678 00:22:18,963 --> 00:22:20,965 - In the gym tonight at 5:00 679 00:22:21,049 --> 00:22:23,009 and admission is $10. 680 00:22:23,093 --> 00:22:25,804 - Uh, Tom, is there something you want to tell me? 681 00:22:25,887 --> 00:22:28,389 - This is honestly the first I'm hearing of it. 682 00:22:30,100 --> 00:22:31,810 [door clicks open and shut] 683 00:22:31,893 --> 00:22:33,311 [energetic music playing] 684 00:22:33,394 --> 00:22:35,480 - Uh, Mom? - Mm-hmm, yeah? 685 00:22:35,563 --> 00:22:37,148 - Anything you want to share with me? 686 00:22:37,232 --> 00:22:38,733 - No, can't-- can't think of anything. 687 00:22:38,817 --> 00:22:40,026 - You don't have any big fights 688 00:22:40,110 --> 00:22:41,611 or any kind of combat scheduled? 689 00:22:41,694 --> 00:22:43,696 - Oh, the fight. - "Oh, the fight"? 690 00:22:43,780 --> 00:22:45,281 - Tom, I wasn't gonna tell you. 691 00:22:45,365 --> 00:22:47,075 - Mom, I'm gonna find out about something like that. 692 00:22:47,158 --> 00:22:48,868 What are you doing? - Okay, well, look. 693 00:22:48,952 --> 00:22:50,203 I was shooting my mouth off, 694 00:22:50,286 --> 00:22:52,622 and it all just got away from me. 695 00:22:52,705 --> 00:22:55,041 I don't want to fight her. - So just cancel the fight. 696 00:22:55,125 --> 00:22:57,168 That's easy. - No, I can't do that. 697 00:22:57,252 --> 00:22:58,461 - What do you mean, you can't? 698 00:22:58,545 --> 00:23:00,171 - Look, I would happily cancel it, 699 00:23:00,255 --> 00:23:02,465 but I'm not gonna set a bad example for my son. 700 00:23:02,549 --> 00:23:04,342 That would teach you that it's okay to quit, 701 00:23:04,425 --> 00:23:06,386 and I'm not gonna do that, Tom. 702 00:23:06,469 --> 00:23:07,762 ♪ ♪ 703 00:23:07,846 --> 00:23:09,973 - I feel like you're setting a bad example 704 00:23:10,056 --> 00:23:12,767 no matter how you play it at this point. 705 00:23:12,851 --> 00:23:15,854 - Thanks for coming out, folks. I know we're excited. 706 00:23:15,937 --> 00:23:17,564 I just want to make it clear. 707 00:23:17,647 --> 00:23:19,357 No biting, no kicking. 708 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:22,443 And there's no tactful way to say this in front of the kids. 709 00:23:22,527 --> 00:23:24,571 No punching in the pussy. Thank you. 710 00:23:24,654 --> 00:23:25,989 - What? - Oh, my God. 711 00:23:26,072 --> 00:23:27,240 - Does that really need to be a rule? 712 00:23:27,323 --> 00:23:28,616 [bell dings] 713 00:23:28,700 --> 00:23:30,535 [crowd yelling] - Fight! Fight! 714 00:23:30,618 --> 00:23:32,120 - Hurt each other! Come on! 715 00:23:32,203 --> 00:23:33,705 - I don't know why you took your bra off, 716 00:23:33,788 --> 00:23:35,707 but I'm about to punching bag those bitches. 717 00:23:35,790 --> 00:23:37,542 - Why don't you just shut your little trap, and let's-- 718 00:23:37,625 --> 00:23:38,960 why don't we just start fighting? 719 00:23:39,043 --> 00:23:40,086 - Okay, this is complete madness. 720 00:23:40,170 --> 00:23:41,588 I need to stop this. 721 00:23:41,671 --> 00:23:43,715 All right, you know what? Guys, hold on, hold on. 722 00:23:43,798 --> 00:23:45,633 I--I'm sorry, I gotta interject. 723 00:23:45,717 --> 00:23:47,510 When I heard my mom was gonna fight, 724 00:23:47,594 --> 00:23:50,263 it inspired me to write a poem. 725 00:23:50,346 --> 00:23:51,556 Jacob, if you don't mind. 726 00:23:51,639 --> 00:23:53,391 [sentimental music playing] 727 00:23:53,474 --> 00:23:55,935 - This poem is called "My Mom, My Hero." 728 00:23:56,019 --> 00:23:57,437 - Nuh-uh! [music stops] 729 00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:59,314 You got us all riled up for a fight 730 00:23:59,397 --> 00:24:01,774 and now you got little kids reading poems? 731 00:24:01,858 --> 00:24:03,318 - I mean, we paid good money for this! 732 00:24:03,401 --> 00:24:05,862 - Someone needs to fight, or we're not leaving. 733 00:24:05,945 --> 00:24:07,947 [crowd murmuring] 734 00:24:08,031 --> 00:24:10,241 - Tell me if this is inappropriate, 735 00:24:10,325 --> 00:24:12,452 but I'd be happy to fight my wife. 736 00:24:12,535 --> 00:24:13,703 - What? 737 00:24:13,786 --> 00:24:14,829 - That is a fight I would like to see. 738 00:24:14,913 --> 00:24:16,247 - No. - Yeah! 739 00:24:16,331 --> 00:24:17,415 [crowd chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! 740 00:24:17,498 --> 00:24:18,833 - Don't encourage it. 741 00:24:18,917 --> 00:24:21,461 - Oh, please, Brad, you weigh 120 pounds. 742 00:24:21,544 --> 00:24:23,213 - Aah! - There you go. 743 00:24:23,296 --> 00:24:25,006 [cheers and applause] - Aah! 744 00:24:25,089 --> 00:24:27,217 - I don't feel like my poem had the impact I was hoping for. 745 00:24:27,300 --> 00:24:29,344 - Not at all. - Aah, my butthole! 746 00:24:29,427 --> 00:24:31,596 - ♪ Remember there's more road ♪ 747 00:24:31,679 --> 00:24:33,723 ♪ And places to go ♪ 748 00:24:33,806 --> 00:24:35,558 ♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪ 749 00:24:35,642 --> 00:24:37,310 ♪ More people to fornicate ♪ 750 00:24:37,393 --> 00:24:40,688 ♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪ 751 00:24:40,772 --> 00:24:42,357 ♪ Supplying the proof ♪ 752 00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:45,944 ♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪ 753 00:24:46,027 --> 00:24:50,240 ♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪ 754 00:24:50,323 --> 00:24:54,160 ♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪ 755 00:24:54,244 --> 00:24:58,414 ♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪ 756 00:24:58,498 --> 00:25:00,291 ♪ The sweet silver lining ♪ 757 00:25:00,375 --> 00:25:02,543 ♪ Through you she lives on ♪ 758 00:25:02,627 --> 00:25:06,589 ♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪ 759 00:25:06,673 --> 00:25:08,508 ♪ Disciples of the flow ♪ 760 00:25:08,591 --> 00:25:11,094 ♪ We can float anywhere ♪