- ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪
♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪
♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪
♪ I present no explanations ♪
♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪
♪ To satiate for long ♪
♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪
[bell rings]
- Guys, can we have an honest talk?
I get it, you're little kids,
and when it comes to art, you're kind of phoning it in.
But what the eff am I looking at here?
Nelson, is that the Statue of Liberty
or Joy Behar holding a flashlight?
- You know what? I'll take another pass at it.
- Dakota, does that look like a banana to you
or a yellow Johnson?
- What's a Johnson?
- I'm--that is not my responsibility.
And, Tom. - Hey there.
- Yeah, uh, if you draw another sunset,
I'm gonna blow my brains out. - Okay.
- I try to encourage you kids, but, Tom,
you might be the worst artist who's ever lived.
- Oh, no, my mom disagrees.
She said I'm like her little Picasso.
- This is the problem,
these overly supportive parents.
- She's just saying I'm great. She's just saying I'm--
- I'm gonna say this to help,
but Picasso had more talent in his rear end
than you have in your entire body.
- Nah, his rear end couldn't even hold a pencil.
- Sure, it could. - How?
- If he clenched at the right angle...
- That's a stretch.
- His butt could easily hold a pencil.
- I don't think he could even see the canvas from that angle.
- Am I really having this conversation? Ugh!
- Oh, my God. - Oh-ho-ho-ho. Oh, my God.
- Mrs. Fern? - What?
- You seem really stressed out. Are you okay?
- Yeah, here's the deal, you guys.
Gather round.
The arts program is at risk of being defunded.
- Oh.
- So I need you kids
to start showing results,
or I could be out of a job.
- We love you, Mrs. Fern. We're gonna try harder, okay?
- Your assignment is to draw something
that shows your school spirit, okay?
Could be a classroom, a soccer field.
- Can I just bang out a sunset, or--
- No! No sunsets!
[insects chirping, dog barking]
- Okay, Wendy, Tom's gonna have fun with his art stuff.
Got a date with a dentist named Kenny.
He's pretty boring, but hey, free dinner. [laughs]
- I don't need to know all that.
- That's fair, Wendy. Okay, guys, have fun.
- All right, have fun on the weird date.
- Oh, hey, Tomas. - I don't go by Tomas.
- How's your art project?
- My art teacher said if Picasso would put a brush
into his rear end, he could paint better than I can.
- That's terrible.
Kids should be encouraged with their creativity.
- No, I shouldn't be. I'm really bad.
- Let me help. I'm an artist. Let me just take a look.
Okay, and-- - What are you doing?
- Oh, wow. - Don't touch it.
Don't touch it. - Ah, yes.
- Can you stop? No, no, no.
- Oh, wow, now it's popping. - Please.
- Oh, okay, the muse is here.
- Wait, is this helping, or are you just doing it?
- The muse is here! - Where's my mom?
Where's the emergency number?
You really have to put the art down. I've gotta--
- Tom, artists have assistants help all the time.
- I'm literally doing nothing. I'm eating string cheese.
- It's called a stringed cheese, okay?
You don't nibble on it like some sort of monster.
Okay, Tom? - Yeah.
- Now you are done.
[choir vocalizing angelically]
- Oh, my God, that's amazing.
- You did that, Tom. Wow.
- Me? I can't hand that in. I didn't draw anything.
- We were both here, and the art happened.
So, like, who's to say who even did what?
Oh, Tom, please, don't eat it that way.
- Okay, kids, I'm seeing signs of improvement,
but this is really not, uh, "moving the needle."
- Yeah, Nelson, what am I looking at here?
- You know what? To be honest, I feel like this piece just--
it's just really getting away from me.
- Dakota, did my whole anti-banana speech
not get through to you?
- I'm just not a creative person.
That's the bottom line.
- Yeah, no kidding.
Wow! Wait a minute.
Is this--Tom, you did this?
- You know, I believe I did. - Kind of blown away here.
- I think your mean-spirited, harsh criticism
really, uh, inspired me.
- Class, this is talent.
Compared to Tom, the rest of you look like idiots.
- I wouldn't say that.
- Tom's read end is a better artist than some of you.
- Enough with the rear end comparisons.
Not everyone reacts to that.
- Tom, you are what we call a prodigy.
- No. - And you
are gonna save this arts program.
You are a hero and a legend.
Hey, Principal! Look at what Tom did!
I'm teaching a genius in here.
- She really needs to find a middle ground
with her feedback, don't y'all think?
- First of all, thank you for coming in.
And, uh, ooh, I hate to ask this, but who are you?
- He's Kenny. - He's a dentist I'm dating.
It's not a big deal. He likes to tag along.
- I'm actually a periodontist, which deals more
with the gums and bone-- - Yeah, okay.
I mean, he's boring as hell, but he's very loaded.
Anyway, 'sup?
- I am so excited about Tom's talent.
- Oh, no. - I'm being told
he's an art prodigy.
- No, I'm not. No, please.
I literally drew one squirrel.
- Here's the deal.
The superintendent of schools
is threatening to yank our funding for the arts program.
- What? That's terrible.
- And she calls me an idiot in front of the kids,
and I don't show it bothers me, but it really does!
- What a terrible bitch. - That's insulting.
- Yes! So I want to use Tom's art to stick it to her,
you know? - What?
- So--yeah, show her that I'm getting results here.
- Sounds like you've got some personal issues to deal with.
- Listen, Tom--
- Can we leave me out of whatever weird stuff's
going on here? I just--no? - Oh, Tom.
- Yeah? - Look at me.
- Kenny, say something. - Uh, you know--
- All right, it's, like, a tiny favor.
- No.
- Just draw me a huge mural on the gym that covers...
- Please. - The entire rear wall.
- No. - It's of the school...
- Stop. - And it includes
all the teachers... - It's a nightmare.
- With me on the front steps looking heroic.
- Kenny! - If you draw it normal size,
we can just blow it up. Have fun with it.
- I really think you're overestimating my talent.
- Principal, is there any money involved here?
- Go along with this, I'll slip you a few grand on the side.
- I think we're in. - Oh, no.
- You know what? It pays to have
an art prodigy for a son.
- You know, some people say periodontal work
is an art form. - Just be cool.
- Kenny, be cool. - Okay.
- You should chime in less often.
- Please. - Sorry.
[birds chirping]
- Hey, uh, babysitter? - Oh, hi.
Weird, weird, seeing you in a different context.
Wow, okay, let me get there.
- Can we just kinda talk one-on-one?
You know, like, babysitter to baby?
- Mm, I'm working but, uh-- - Real quick, here's the thing.
I think you might have overencouraged me
with my art. - Uh-huh.
- Now everyone thinks I'm, like, a prodigy of sorts.
- Oh, I'm glad I could help. - No, it's not help.
It's a nightmare. They've commissioned me
to do a mural, and I can't do it.
I need you to do it again.
- Okay, Tom, I get paid for my work.
Last time, I was on the clock.
- You were on the clock for babysitting.
- Yes, it was a paid job. - No.
- So if you need me to draw again,
you're gonna have to get out your checkbook.
- Can I be honest? - Sure.
- I kind of see you as, like, a second mom.
- Tom. - We're practically family.
- You called me Babysitter when you came in.
- I call my mom Mom. I don't call her...
whatever her first name is.
- Oh, Tomas, come on, please.
I sat on your couch for three hours,
put you to bed, and then smoked weed in your bathroom.
So I think you're vastly overestimating
how tight we are.
[birds chirping, horn honking]
[door clicks open and shut]
- Oh, this is not good. This is not good.
Oh, think, Tom, think.
What would Picasso's rear end do?
- Tom, what kind of entrance is that?
- Did I walk into your house? I'm sorry.
- Most people say hi or hello.
You're gonna walk into-- - I don't have time for "hi"s.
I don't have time for "hello"s.
I need to create an epic drawing
filled with detail, texture, and nuance of the school
by tomorrow. - So draw it. You the best.
- I'm not the best. - What?
- I'm the worst. - What do you mean?
- I'm terrible. It's all a lie, Nelson.
I'm not a good painter. - Oh!
- The babysitter drew it for me.
- You know what? That makes more sense.
- You thought I was a good artist.
How long have you known me?
- Sometimes it good to have hope in people.
- Am I too young to drink? What do you have here?
- Tom, Tom, stop! - MARTINI & ROSSI?
What is this? - Look at yourself!
You're spiraling out of control, brother.
- Do people drink Schnapps these days?
Is that still popular? - Schnapps? Calm down.
I ain't gonna let you go this low.
I got something for you. Follow me.
Screaming out, "Picasso," that's offensive.
We're a Basquiat household.
Yeah, my dad is a big art collector.
Feast your eyes. - Oh, wow, now, that's art.
I feel like I'm in the Louvre.
- Yeah, don't it have that feeling to it?
- Oh, my--this is amazing.
- If he dies, I get all this.
Is your dad in all of them, or is he--
- Yeah, man, and maybe this guy--you know,
he does great work of my dad,
so maybe he could do this work for you.
- You think this artist would do my assignment for me?
- Let's take a trip to the arts district.
- Shady Oaks has an arts district?
- Yeah, SOAD, Shady Oaks Arts District.
- Can you ride your bide there?
- Yeah, you just go over the railroad tracks...
- Okay. - Cut down by the junkyard...
- Junkyard. - Through the prostitutes.
- Prostitutes, okay.
- Once you make it through drug dealers row...
- We have--okay.
- And go behind the Walgreens
and cut through the pedophiles' playground...
- They've cleaned that up quite a bit.
- You're at SOAD, the Shady Oaks Arts District.
- Let's make a trip to SOAD.
[dramatic music]
[bicycle bell rings] - Oh, wow, this
really is out there, isn't it?
- Yeah, come on. I need you to keep up.
- Are we still in Shady Oaks? - Yeah, we're in Shady Oaks.
We're just more on the shady side of Shady Oaks.
- Yeah, really a lot of open-air sex acts.
Oh, my God.
- [growls] - Don't make eye contact.
- Yeah, look down. - Don't make eye contact.
- Look down. - Oh, did you see that?
Was that a speed bump or a rat?
- Not much of a district, is it?
- Yeah, it needs at least a coffee shop,
if nothing else. [buzzer blares]
- Hi, are you the nude model or the Chinese food?
Either way, take off your clothes and come on up.
- What? - No, no, no, no, no.
It's Nelson. - Nelson and Tom.
- My dad's the one who commissioned a painting
of himself on a horse. - Say no more.
I smell money from up here. Buzzing you in.
- Really an odd personality for an artist.
- Yeah, stay close.
- Hey, guys, intercom's still on.
I can hear you. Come on up!
- Hey, we're coming up.
Oh, wow, look at this studio.
- Oh, that's nice.
- What are you guys looking to buy?
More art for your dad?
- Oh, no, actually, we're not here to buy anything.
I need a favor. I need a drawing
of my grade school... - Uh-huh.
- And we were hoping you could kinda bang it out.
- Yeah, look, look, my dad would consider it
a personal favor.
- Yeah, kid, look, I--I hate to break it to you,
but your dad is a pain in my ass.
- Whoa. - All right, I've been working
on his portrait for over a year.
Look at this. - Whoa.
- Uh-huh. - Oh, wow.
- And he keeps asking me, "More chest hair."
- More chest hair? - And I refuse to do it.
- It's already a lot. - I know.
- Oh, please, come on,
the whole Shady Oaks Art Department
is counting on me. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You go to Shady Oaks? - Shady Oaks Elementary, yeah.
- Yep. - SOE!
- SOE. - My alma mater!
Is--is the principal still there?
Chubby guy, bad dresser, real idiot?
- Yep, still here. - Well, you know what?
I'll do it. - You'll do it?
- Yes! - That's amazing.
- Yeah, in fact, you can pick it up in the morning.
How about that? And when you hand it to him,
look him in the eye and say,
"Scott from the class of '04 says hi."
- Okay.
- And then make a creepy grimace
just like this. Look at me.
Eeeeeeeeh.
You got it?
- Can't just say you said hi and leave it at that?
- Just look him in the eye, fellas, will ya?
- Oh, Tom, Tom, we gotta go. Our bikes are being stolen.
- What? Oh, no.
- This arts district is only half a block wide,
but it's a terrible part of town.
- Hello, everybody.
Uh, Madam Superintendent,
we do have one last piece of art
to share with you from just our prodigy,
our star student.
Why don't you read a quick artist's statement, Tom?
- Oh, I don't have anything prepared.
I let my brushes do the talking.
- No, you just speak from the heart.
- All right, let me ask you folks, what is art?
Is it just something babysitters do
to pass the time?
I believe art can come from a child
as easily as it can come from a grown man's rear end.
- Thank you.
- All right, well, thank you for listening.
Hope you enjoy it. It's called "Tom's Dream."
[crowd gasps]
- Oh, shit. - What is this?
- You don't like it? What's wrong?
- Can someone please tell me what I am looking at?
- It's just, he's-- he's with the school mascot.
They're-- they just won a soccer game.
- I don't understand why you would do this,
especially after all my encouragement.
- This is all my fault. You know what?
Why don't you keep the five grand
you were gonna pay me for the painting?
- Ugh. - Wait.
- You spent $5,000 of school funds
on a painting of you being humped by a squirrel?
- He gave us the credit card and said, "Go big, or go home."
That's how much the guy cares.
- Okay, obviously, he's drunk. Let me explain.
- Oh, no. I'm leaving. And guess what.
That mural is gonna become
a permanent installation in this school
'cause I want it to act as a reminder
to future generations
as to what a complete jackass you were.
- I feel like we should have gone
with Dakota's yellow Johnson drawings.
- I always thought they were nice.
Oh, and, Principal, I almost forgot.
Scott says hi?
Creepy guy? Class of '04?
No?
[smooth music]
♪ ♪
[whistle blows]
- Okay, team, everyone has scored a goal this season
except for Tom.
So let's try to pass to him.
- Yeah, I'm better than I look, guys.
Nimble, strong, fast, agile,
the whole--the whole package.
- Oh, please, come on.
Enough with this jibber-jabber already.
- Like I was saying, we're here to support each other
and have fun.
- I think you all should know
that my son should be on the all-star team
and not playing with these bimbo nimrods.
- Are we nimrods? What's happening.
- Lady, pipe down.
You can say whatever you want
about these other nimrods...
- Let's be supportive.
- But Tom is great at everything he tires.
- Yeah, I'm pretty solid.
- Your son is a failed bassoonist,
and he crapped his pants at Little League.
- Coach, why don't we wrap up the pep talk?
This is really not-- not pepping us up.
- ♪ 'Cause I'm a powerful woman ♪
♪ Always get what I want ♪
- Ugh, that woman is so annoying.
She ruins every soccer game. - I don't wish ill upon people,
but I went to church last week to pray that she dies.
- [clears throat]
Hi, I know you're talking about my wife.
- Uh, no! Your wife?
- Your wife is great. - Love your wife.
- We were talking about a different wife.
- There's no need to deny it. I mean, she is a nightmare.
Listen, can I show you guys something over here?
- Behind the dumpster?
[intriguing music]
- Okay, I know what this is, Nurse.
This is a dumpster blow job scenario.
- Wh-- - Absolutely not.
- Okay, forget I said it.
What do you want to talk about?
- Tell me if society
would frown on something like this
and if this is inappropriate,
but what if we slip her some kind of sedative?
- Wait, what?
- I mean, is that wrong? - Yes, it's wrong.
I can't believe you just said that.
- Nurse, let's hear him out.
- Are you listening to yourselves?
- I am listening, and I'm hearing some stuff I like.
What kind of sedative are you thinking?
- You know, mild. Mild to heavy.
- No! - Okay, yeah!
Mild to heavy sedatives.
- No, no, no, no. - You're the school nurse.
So the whole thing would be medically supervised.
- I mean--
- A lot of these drugs, they're basically harmless.
It's like drinking a glass or two of chardonnay.
- [inhales deeply] - You gotta save the kids.
- Who else, if not the school nurse,
will these children look up to in life?
- You know what? Count me in.
- All right! - I feel good about this!
[whistle blows]
- Here we go, guys! Yes!
Good job!
Come on, y'all!
There it is! There it is!
Whoo!
[laughs]
That's it!
That's what I'm talking about!
Good job.
Come on, y'all! - Hey, parents, uh-oh.
What's this? Free hot chocolates.
- What a surprise! - How unexpected.
- Yeah, help yourselves,
but the cups are very specifically labeled,
so no swapping.
- Oh, no one's swapping anything, Brad. Relax.
[suspenseful music, heartbeat thumping]
[whistle blows]
- All you kids are gonna have fun.
Let's get Tom the ball. - Oh, please.
Leave mine here, 'cause I need to go talk
to this jackass coach. - Oh, no.
- Sure, but keep an eye on it.
I don't want anyone swapping it.
- Relax, you are such a weirdo.
- Hey, we never formally met. My name's Tom.
- Shut up. - Shut up? Okay, that's fine.
All right, let's just get this over with.
- Look, if I pass it to you today,
it's because I believe in you. - Thank you.
- Not because Coach said, "Pass it to the dud."
- He calls me the dud behind my back?
- Nah, nobody calls you dud, but even if they did,
you're still our teammate, you know,
and we've got your back, so--
- Why even bring it up?
- I'm just saying there's a possibility
that throughout the game, people are gonna be like,
"Hey, pass it to the dud."
You know, who cares? - The dud?
That's not even a creative nickname.
Come on, guys.
All right, I'll catch up in a minute.
Free drinks, sweet. - Oh, no, no, no.
- Hey, Double D, want a drink? Good energy boost.
- Do not drink it. I can't stress this enough.
- Your wife is right. You need to relax. [slurps]
All right, let's play some soccer.
- Oh, dear God.
[whistle blows] - All right, guys, yeah!
- [wheezing]
crowd: Aw! - Ah, I'm exhausted.
- Look alive, man! You're never gonna score a--
- Nelson, is it considered acceptable
to take a nap mid-game? - No.
- No? - What are you thinking?
- Quick, like, a quick one. - No, you can't take a nap.
In the middle of the field?
- Five-minute nap. Please cover for me.
- This is where the dud nickname comes from.
[whistle blows] - Man down!
- What is happening? - Oh, great, that does it.
This kid has got to go. - No way, lady.
Tom's doing great out there. - He's sleeping.
- [snoring] - He's just taking a power nap.
- Now, on the field?
- Come on, my son, Tom, is great.
- Stop defending your loser. We want him gone.
- Maybe we want you gone.
Everybody, attention. Listen up.
What do you say we start a petition
to have this woman banned from these games?
- I like that idea.
- You can all shove your petitions up your assholes!
- Honey, please, don't say "asshole" in front of the kids.
Aah!
- Don't you dare question me in public.
[crowd gasps] - Wow!
- Yes, ma'am.
- How long was I asleep?
This all happened in two minutes?
- All right, everybody, thank you for coming.
You know I appreciate it.
I know my email said this is a PTA meeting,
but it's--it's actually an intervention.
- Thought so. Gear up, Dakota's mom.
- A petition has been circulating
to have Dakota's mom banned
from all sporting events.
- Wait a minute. Is that what this is about?
- This is great!
- Dakota's mom, in the administration,
you are what we call a "problem mom."
- Problem mom? I'm--I'm the only one without a problem.
I'm looking out for my child.
- Well, it's not just you, okay?
We've identified three problem parents
in the school: you, the original one;
Randy's dad, who, quite frankly, scares me...
- I could crack you in half.
- And, of course, Tom's mom.
- Hang on, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm the one who started the petition.
I coined the phrase "problem mom."
- Yes! That's exactly the kind of thing
that a problem mom would do. - Wh--
- If you want to attend any more sporting events,
I need you to attend this seminar.
- "Taking It Down a Notch"?
- It's like driving school
but for maniac parents who can't conduct themselves
in a civilized manner around other people.
- Fine by me.
[bombastic music playing]
- Weird seminar music, no?
- All right, everyone, I want to welcome you all--
Cut! Stop!
[music stops] Right now.
Now, you're here because you behave like Neanderthals.
- What? - Wait, what?
- What did you just say?
- Let's begin with some role-playing.
Let's pretend I'm, say, a referee
who just made a bad call.
Dakota, how would, say, your mother respond?
- Uh, she'd say, "Hey, nimrod, do you need me
to shove that whistle up your asshole?"
Then she'd grab the whistle and literally try to do it.
- That doesn't sound like me at all.
- Mom, that literally happened yesterday.
- Problem mom!
- We're making progress.
Randy, what would your dad say?
- My dad has a bit of a temper, so--
- You idiot!
Why are you washing our laundry in public?
- Dad, please! - Come on, we're out of here.
- I want to stay at the seminar.
- Come here! - Stop dragging me!
- We're going. We don't need this.
- Difficult dad!
- Let's move forward.
Tom, what would your mother say?
- Can I sit this exercise out?
If I impersonate my mom, it's not gonna end well.
- What do you mean, not end well, in what sense?
- It means I'm gonna get punished.
My mom does funny punishments, okay?
- Tom. You know what? He's tired.
- Name one. - I don't know,
like making me take a bath in Mountain Dew
and then be really sticky when I go to school
for the next week? - Tom, let's put a sock in it.
- Oh, my gosh. - That's so sad.
- She'll make me, like, run around the block a few times
with no pants on. - Oh, let's don't tell this.
- Make me scream, "Look at my wiener!
I should have cleaned my room."
- So abuse but with a lighthearted twist.
- For your info, he cleaned his room that night.
Tell you that much. - Problem mom!
- No, no, Jacob, please, for your own sake, don't do it.
- Thanks for getting together, guys.
We should have done this a long time ago.
- Yeah, look, I want to apologize.
I really went off the rails. I need to look inward.
I realize that now.
- Oh, yeah, you know, being a parent is stressful.
And I just-- I forgive everybody,
because it's hard. - Mm.
- And let's be honest.
Some of us don't--just don't have the mental capacity
to handle it. [sighs]
- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing.
It's just that, you know, some people are like
overgrown children themselves, you know?
- I get all that, but why are you looking at me?
- I'm looking at you 'cause I'm talking to you.
Oh, my gosh. - Listen up, lady.
I did this to be nice.
I don't need a creep and a chubby bimbo
calling me dumb while I enjoy my latte.
- Hey, hey, hey. - That does it.
Here, why don't you finish my Frappuccino?
- Whoa! - Whoa!
- Yeah. - You put it on my boobs?
- You need something on them to make them show up.
- You know what? Have a scone, Dakota's mom.
- Oh, my God! - Hey, hey, hey, come on!
Come on, hey, let's be reasonable, huh?
Look at us!
- Excuse me, if you're gonna pour the coffee
on each other's boobs, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
- Okay, we need to finish what we started at soccer.
- Bring it on. - Whoa! Hey!
- Take that! In the eye! There you go!
- Come on, now, stop. Stop it! - It's in my mouth!
- Take it down a notch, okay? - What?
- If you have a disagreement,
at least have an organized fight
where we can charge admission.
- Oh, my God, that's a great idea.
- Okay, you can't sit on each other in front of the doorway.
You need to leave. - Well, Mr. Sensitive.
- Oh, Mr. Sensitive Green Shirt.
[bell rings]
- Big night. Coach started a mandatory
"pass it to Tom" rule,
so think I might score, finally.
- That's right, baby. I'm hyped up, man.
Good luck out there today.
- Thank you, Nelson. I appreciate that.
- Hi, kids. Quick announcement here.
I hope you're having a large day.
Today's soccer game is canceled
due to the overwhelming interest
in the fight being planned in the gym.
- Fight? What kind of lunatic is fighting in the school gym?
- Tell your parents Tom's mom...
- Oh, no. - Will fight Dakota's mom...
- Oh, my goodness.
- In the gym tonight at 5:00
and admission is $10.
- Uh, Tom, is there something you want to tell me?
- This is honestly the first I'm hearing of it.
[door clicks open and shut]
[energetic music playing]
- Uh, Mom? - Mm-hmm, yeah?
- Anything you want to share with me?
- No, can't-- can't think of anything.
- You don't have any big fights
or any kind of combat scheduled?
- Oh, the fight. - "Oh, the fight"?
- Tom, I wasn't gonna tell you.
- Mom, I'm gonna find out about something like that.
What are you doing? - Okay, well, look.
I was shooting my mouth off,
and it all just got away from me.
I don't want to fight her. - So just cancel the fight.
That's easy. - No, I can't do that.
- What do you mean, you can't?
- Look, I would happily cancel it,
but I'm not gonna set a bad example for my son.
That would teach you that it's okay to quit,
and I'm not gonna do that, Tom.
♪ ♪
- I feel like you're setting a bad example
no matter how you play it at this point.
- Thanks for coming out, folks. I know we're excited.
I just want to make it clear.
No biting, no kicking.
And there's no tactful way to say this in front of the kids.
No punching in the pussy. Thank you.
- What? - Oh, my God.
- Does that really need to be a rule?
[bell dings]
[crowd yelling] - Fight! Fight!
- Hurt each other! Come on!
- I don't know why you took your bra off,
but I'm about to punching bag those bitches.
- Why don't you just shut your little trap, and let's--
why don't we just start fighting?
- Okay, this is complete madness.
I need to stop this.
All right, you know what? Guys, hold on, hold on.
I--I'm sorry, I gotta interject.
When I heard my mom was gonna fight,
it inspired me to write a poem.
Jacob, if you don't mind.
[sentimental music playing]
- This poem is called "My Mom, My Hero."
- Nuh-uh! [music stops]
You got us all riled up for a fight
and now you got little kids reading poems?
- I mean, we paid good money for this!
- Someone needs to fight, or we're not leaving.
[crowd murmuring]
- Tell me if this is inappropriate,
but I'd be happy to fight my wife.
- What?
- That is a fight I would like to see.
- No. - Yeah!
[crowd chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
- Don't encourage it.
- Oh, please, Brad, you weigh 120 pounds.
- Aah! - There you go.
[cheers and applause] - Aah!
- I don't feel like my poem had the impact I was hoping for.
- Not at all. - Aah, my butthole!
- ♪ Remember there's more road ♪
♪ And places to go ♪
♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪
♪ More people to fornicate ♪
♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪
♪ Supplying the proof ♪
♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪
♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪
♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪
♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪
♪ The sweet silver lining ♪
♪ Through you she lives on ♪
♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow ♪
♪ We can float anywhere ♪