- ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪
♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪
♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪
♪ I present no explanations ♪
♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪
♪ To satiate for long ♪
♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪
[knocking] - Uh, principal?
They told me you wanna see me
and that you're-you're furious. Principal, you there?
- [laughs] Gotcha. - Wait, what?
- The principal's at lunch.
- That's not funny at all, Brenda.
I gotta question your sense of humor.
- It's super funny, trust me.
- Since when do you have a good personality?
I thought you were the boring lady who sits in the hall.
- When the principal is here, I'm buttoned-up Brenda.
But once he leaves, man, I let lose.
- Let's get buttoned-up Brenda back.
This is not working. - Here's why I called you in.
- Okay. - The principal's 20th
anniversary at school is coming up.
So we're throwing him a roast. - A roast?
- Where you make fun of people, but you do it in a fun way.
And we want you to be the roast master.
- Roast master? That sounds like a lot of work.
I'm-I'm gonna pass. - There's no passing.
No, no. No passing. - Eh.
Count me out. - It's been decided.
We already went to the print shop.
We made a cardboard cutout.
- I didn't approve that. That's not sanctioned.
- It's not up to you to approve anything.
Once you're on school grounds, pfft with your rights.
- I'm a minor, so you can force me to be a roast master?
- Yes. We'll force you to sit in a room as long as we want,
and we can force you to make jokes.
- I know we friends and everything
but this is a travesty. - I know.
- I got passed over for roast master, for you.
- I agree, you would have been better, but hey,
don't let it ruin the sleepover.
Do you mind if I run some of my jokes by ya?
- What you got?
- I think I'm gonna open with, "Greetings.
"The principal is very excited
"when he heard we're having a roast.
"But I think the guy was--I think
"he might have thought we were
talking about roast beef."
- Oh, no. - I gotta work on the phrasing
but that's the gist of the joke.
- Yeah, we get it. What else you got?
- The principal drives a Ford Fiesta,
which is Spanish for "party."
But the last time I checked this guy's a real
party pooper. Am I right, people?
- Man, this is gonna be terrible, man.
You gonna bomb. - You're right, actually.
This is not funny.
- We got one night to make you funny.
- All right, what do I do?
- Come with me, Tom.
- Wait, where are we going?
- Shh. My dad's asleep.
I don't wanna wake him.
- What is this weird room? - This is a man cave.
- Are we allowed to be in here? - We not men.
So technically we breaking and entering.
- Oh, my God, what an incredible room.
Wesley Snipes, grown lady's boobs,
couple of weird hats. This is incredible.
What do we do now? - Oh, man, we are about
to watch some roast.
- Oh, he's got a collection of roasts.
This is perfect. Learn from the professionals.
- Ryan is so unattractive.
When he smiles at me, I take an immediate shit.
- [laughing]
- Huh, kind of an off-color joke.
- Oh, Brian, look at the nose on that guy.
If you can find it.
It looks like a pig's butthole.
- [laughing] I love this dude, man.
- Is that funny or very hurtful?
- At a roast you say things that are hurtful.
But then you laugh and say, "Just kidding. Love you buddy."
- Why not just say the last part?
- Oh, that's not a joke really.
- What a dog-shit career this guy has.
I mean, if I woke up with that career
I'd put a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger.
[laughing] Oh, Brian,
you pig nose son of a bitch. Love you buddy.
Oh, you're the man. You're the man.
- Ah, you see people are having a ball.
Look at that. - Right, but I can't say
any of these things. I'm a kid.
- Like my dad says, nothing more adorable
than a curse word coming out of a young child's mouth.
- I don't think my mom would agree,
but you guys seem to know what you're talking about over here.
[crowd cheers, applauds] - Uh, hi, gang.
I can't believe you guys did this for me.
It's--after 20 years, I love you people like family.
And as the saying goes,
you can't spell "principal" without pal.
And that's--that's how you kids make me feel.
Not like I'm your principal or an authoritative figure,
just feel like I'm your pal. And I--and I do appreciate it.
[applause]
- Wow, so emotional.
All right, I'm your roast master.
If you need anything, just holler.
Uh, why don't we start with Dakota.
- Hi.
The Principal is a real bozo, like, bozo the clown.
- Aw, so precious. - Oh. [laughing]
Oh, she got me good.
- The principal is here and he's really silly.
[laughs] Am I right, guys?
- Oh, man, I'm questioning the material, I really am.
- But we do love you and we're so happy that you're here.
Thank you. You've been roasted.
- Aw, this is adorable.
Oh, I hope someone's filming this stuff.
- Um...all right. Number one.
The principal's glasses are always dirty.
- [chuckling] That is true.
- The only thing filthier than his glasses is his ex-wife
Shannon who was caught sucking off the UPS guy.
- What? - Language. Tom.
Okay. Wow. Tom.
- I got--I got more. I got more.
I shouldn't have opened with that.
The principal dreamed of playing for the Yankees.
Right, Principal? - Eh, it is true.
- But the last time I checked there's no position in baseball
called fat piece of shit.
- Oh, this is horrible. What the hell is going on?
- Do you just maybe have some normal jokes?
- I was told foul language is encouraged.
- Who told you that? - You know what?
I-I know I had some disappointments in my life
but I didn't know--I mean,
I'm gonna go drink myself to sleep and cry into a sock.
- I should have stopped with the roast beef joke.
[smoke alarm blares] - Hey, kids. Get back in class.
Just because the principal is out
does not mean it's a free for all.
- Hey, go suck off the UPS guy!
Bam, you've been roasted, Tom style, baby!
- They really latched on to that phrase, didn't they?
- Well, well. - I came to apologize.
- Sorry, Tom. Principal called in sick.
- Oh, no. - He's very depressed.
- I gotta say, I think maybe Hector shouldn't have
called him a dumb-dumb. That was in poor taste.
- Are you kidding, Tom? Do you realize
that all the teachers are calling you Asshole Tom?
- Now, that's crossing the line.
- Oh, that's crossing the line?
Now you're deciding what's in good taste.
- Well, just tell him I'm sorry.
If you talk to him, just tell him I'm sorry.
- No, there's no I'm telling him anything.
You need to talk to him and make this right.
- All right, I'll go pop in and say hi.
I'm sure he's fine, though. I mean, he's the principal.
[moody pop ballad playing over speakers]
[doorbell rings]
- [moaning along to the music]
- What's going on in there? - Principal, are you in there?
- [groans]
- Principal, are you okay? - We gotta get in there.
- All right, you know what? We're coming in.
Principal? - Oh. Hey, guys.
Come on in. Grab a slice.
- Are you okay? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Are you sure? You really look like a train wreck.
- Tom, your insults were a real wake-up call.
And I've decided to quit my job
and become an assistant bookie with my friend, Lu.
- Oh, no, don't do that. Nah. Those were jokes.
- I'm sorry, which part was untrue?
Do I not have a weight problem?
- Yes. It's not an ideal physique.
- Did my wife not blow the UPS driver?
- She did. That's a well-documented story.
- Have I not failed at pursuing all my childhood dreams?
- You've clearly failed at many things.
But we can--you can laugh about it now, right?
- Nah, you just don't laugh. It's tragic.
Look at my bucket list.
I've crossed not one thing off of it!
- Huh, let's see what you got here.
Sit on a hammock? That's pretty easy to do.
- Well, I literally sat on a hammock an hour ago.
- Eat a steak? - Yeah.
- You've never eaten a steak? - I've come close but,
you know, something always goes wrong.
- These seem like very easy dreams to achieve.
- Yeah, well, that's what makes it so pathetic.
- Oh, how does this sound? Look.
If we help you check everything off your list,
you come back to school on Monday.
- How are you gonna help me check every single thing
off this bucket list? Take another look at it.
- Principal, we're gonna do it.
We're not taking no for an answer.
- Deal. - That's great. All right.
Let's shake. Oh, wow. That's disgusting.
That's a very greasy hand.
- Number ten on the list. Sit on a hammock.
- I did it. Check it off the list.
I sat in a hammock. Yes!
- Okay. You sat in a hammock.
- Oh, my God, I ate a steak! After all these years.
Check another one off the list, baby!
- Number three on the list, believe it or not,
is slide down a bowling alley like a human bowling ball.
- [laughing] [pins clatter]
- Wow, that's top five?
- Oh, my God, I'm riding in a Buick.
Check it off the list.
- Did number two on the list really say "ride in Buick"?
- Says it right here. "Ride in a late model Buick."
[indistinct chatter]
- Okay, one last thing on the list.
See Glenn Hubert the comedian. Who's Glenn Hubert by the way?
- He's only my favorite comedian.
He does a clean act, just like a ton of observational humor
about church and pudding and cookies and picnics.
- Sounds like he sucks.
- Wait. Wait, what's this? Sold out. Oh, no.
- This is just... just the story of my life.
I'm, like, so close and then I blow it.
My neighbor's right. I don't deserve to be happy.
- C'mon, don't give up.
We promised we would get you to return to school.
Let me--let me see what I can do.
- Go ahead. - Hey.
Can I have a quick chat? - Mm-hmm.
- Can we--can we talk, comedian to comedian?
- I'm a doorman. I'm not a comedian.
I'm not funny. - Seem pretty funny.
- No, I'm not funny.
- Is there any way you could sneak us in
to see Glenn Hubert? It's for my pal.
He's not doing so well. He's seen better days.
- What, your pal? Which one?
- Over there, over my shoulder.
- That's so sad. - It is sad.
The number one thing on his bucket list,
you ready for this?
See Glenn Hubert live in concert.
- I'll talk to Glenn. - That's amazing.
- Maybe he'll even give him a shout out.
He loves doing good deeds like this.
- That's a very good deed.
Listen, if I can ever repay the favor, just say the word.
- Okay. What is it he can do?
- Anything, as long as, like, it's related to the bassoon
or Wiffle ball or basic things like that.
If you need a back--you wanna borrow a backpack?
- Why would I want a backpack? - I don't know.
I can't repay the favor. This is a one way street.
All right, guys, I pulled some strings.
I told him I'm a roast master. We're in.
- What? Oh, you're the best.
- We're seeing the whole act.
Glenn Hubert, Todd Glass and free nachos.
- Wow. Maybe he is the roast master.
- Yeah, in the comedy circles, I get a lot of respect.
- You guys ready for some wholesome comedy? Huh?
- Yes. What a night. - Incredible.
- Yeah. Yeah. How 'bout some clean jokes?
Well, here's your guy.
The sweetest, cleanest,
nicest guy in the game, here he comes.
Give it up for Glenn Hubert.
[cheers and applause]
- [chuckles] Hi. Hi, everyone.
I went to church this morning.
What's up with these pews?
Why are they always made of wood?
Eh? Ever hear of cushions?
C'mon. [cheers and laughter]
- So him just saying the word "cushions" is the punchline?
- Look at the principal. He really loves this guy.
- Look at his eyes. I've never seen him
light up like that before.
- I've never seen a guy laugh like this.
- You know what ruffles my feathers?
Pudding.
It's not quite ice cream but not quite custard.
C'mon, pudding. Make a decision.
- Not a great joke. - Look, I like to tease.
But let's take it down a notch.
I understand we have a special guest in the audience.
He's always wanted to see me live,
and tonight he gets his wish.
Where is the little guy? Don't be shy.
- Right here. - Oh.
This is the guy. - Right here, right here. Look.
- Wait. This is him? [crowd murmuring]
I was told this is the Make-A-Wish thing
for a little kid. - Oh, no, I never said that.
- You clearly said my pal. I thought it was him.
- If I said my pal, I meant princi-pal.
- Princi what? - You can't spell principal
without pal. - What the hell does that mean?
- He's not a kid. He's, like, in his early 50s.
- 46. - Folks,
there's always one asshole in the crowd,
and here he is.
- Wait. I'm actually, like, your biggest fan.
- I tried to do a clean act, folks, but fuck this guy.
- Glenn, please, this is a special night.
- Oh, it's a special night?
In that case, have a drink on me, asshole!
- C'mon, that was uncalled for.
- [groans] - Oh, no, not the crotch.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey, don't touch me.
I still need to cross this off my list.
- Look, if we need a replacement,
I was on the shortlist for roast master.
See what you think of this. What's up with Tom's mom?
- Nelson, no. - Always with the flip flops.
You live in New Jersey, biatch. Buy some shoes.
Am I right? [laughter]
- Wow, he is good.
If he'd have been the roast master,
we would have avoided so many problems.
[cheers and applause]
- Okay, kids. The school play is coming up
and I've written the script myself.
- Oh, no.
- Now, who would like to handout the scripts?
- Um... ♪ I do ♪
- Thank you, Blaze. Your enthusiasm is a delight.
- One for you. You're welcome.
- "A Daffodil for Terence"?
"A morose tale of anguish and loss."
Oh, this sounds horrible. - Hey, Mr. B.
Not to put a damper on the whole thing,
but can I sit this one out?
I had a bad experience last year.
Remember I threw up and I pooped simultaneously?
They had to carry me off.
- I remember it all too well, Tom.
But this year you only have one line as the village idiot.
- Village idiot?
I mean, is that even believable casting?
- That seems right. - Blaze, please.
- I mean, I'll buy it.
- If anything, it's too on the nose.
- Isn't there anything in there for, like, the cool guy
or some kind of assassin or?
- Something about your face just screams,
"I'm an idiot who lives in a village."
- All right, I question the casting choice
but let me sleep on it.
All right, so I'm playing the village idiot, Lucian.
So why don't you just read the lines
before that and I'll come in?
- Okay. [clears throat]
"And we shall run through the daffodils forever more."
"Enter Lucian, a real idiot. He stands there stupidly."
- Um, here are your slippers, sir.
Thanks, Ma. That was a big help.
- That's it? Where are the rest of your lines?
We're gonna do all your lines. - No, that's it.
I give him the slippers and then I-I leave.
- You hand off the slippers and then you leave?
Tom, I'ma be real with you. If I'm gonna get dressed up,
bath, and drive to that school
to hear one line, it better be a doozy.
- No, no. No, no. Don't get the pencil out.
No. Mr. B doesn't like rewrites.
- It's a tweak. - He said if we work off script
he's gonna physically harm us.
- I'm just putting this in the script.
It's not a rewrite, it's a tweak.
He said he's gonna physically harm you?
- He said it more than once.
- When your line comes up, this is what I want you to say.
- I actually like that. - Right?
- Yeah, I think Mr. B is really gonna see the humor in that.
[indistinct chatter]
- All right, everyone.
Welcome to our table read for "A Daffodil for Terence."
I hope you all love it.
I really hope some of you get it
because some people can be quite thick.
- Is he looking at me?
- Nelson will read our stage directions
and Blaze will be doing double duty
as both our lead and also the cat.
And now, "A Daffodil for Terence."
- Curtains open on a bleak café in Denmark.
The café is silent
except for the wailing moan of a depressed cat.
- [meowing sadly]
- Such brave writing.
- Valdemar stands defiantly above the motionless corpse.
Lucian enters and discovers the carnage.
- Um...uh...who farted?
[laughter] - What?
- My script says "Who farted?" Is that the right line?
- Stop laughing.
- That was hysterical.
- This table read is now canceled.
And by the way, Denise,
I was talking about you because you're thick.
You're slow.
- What the hell?
- All right, please calm down, it's just a play.
- I spent 18 years on that script.
And he adds one line and he rewrites it
so that it's a fart joke.
- That was actually my mom's rewrite.
- Oh, so is she a village idiot too?
- No, very smart lady.
- Perhaps this is a family business.
- You can't make money doing that.
- Let's try to encourage these kids.
That's what I'm a principal for.
Okay, Tom? Seriously, you did great.
- Thank you. It felt good.
- Great? He did great? - You gotta admit that he got
the best reaction of the play, okay?
So I have a great idea.
Let's recast and have Tom play the lead.
- You can't be serious. - No, I'm not a lead.
I like to blend in. Don't put me up front.
- Mr. B, tell Blaze he's demoted
and he'll play the cat. That's fun.
- Oh, no, Blaze won't be happy with that.
- He'll love it. Meow. Meow.
He can remember his lines easier.
- This is outrageous.
You have no respect for my work nor my direction.
- I have a lot of respect for your craft.
And Tom, ask your mom if she can look at the script
and see if she can work in, like, more fart jokes.
- We're talking, like, one per page or?
- Fart it up. - Oh, my God.
- Fart it up.
[light jazz music playing over radio]
[tires squeal] - Good God.
- Oh. Aren't you Tom's weird teacher?
- I'm Mr. B and I came to apologize.
May I come in? - Yeah, I guess.
- Oh, wow. The decor is spectacularly mundane.
- Thank you.
- Oh, hey, Mr. B. Listen, uh,
if you wanna recast, that's fine.
I don't--I don't even wanna be in the play.
- Tom, my hands are tied. You have to be in the play.
- Oh, okay. So why are you here?
- I've given this a great deal of thought.
What if I were to take you under my wing
and mold you in my image?
- Oh, no. No, no.
- Wouldn't you like to be
a short little ten-year-old Mr. B?
- Not really, no. That doesn't sound too good.
- We have one week, Tom. - Whoa.
- And for that time, you will live, eat,
and breathe Mr. B. - No, I don't wanna do that.
- What, is he supposed to live at your house?
- This will be a seven day acting boot camp...
- Please stop talking.
- Culminating with a trip to Broadway.
- I don't like where this is going.
- We'll take in a show, meet my old acting friends
and stop for nibbles at Oso. And it's all on me.
- Mom, say something. - We're in.
- We're in? No, sounds like my worst nightmare.
- But if it's a free dinner, I feel like we have no choice.
- Oh, this is not gonna be fun. [bells ringing]
- Louder, Tom.
Never say a line when you can over enunciate it.
- "Ah, look at the daffodils."
- Put your body into it.
There's nothing coming back at me, Tom.
They called me Mr. B. - Why?
- Because I was the mayor of Broadway.
- Then you just started teaching at a grade school?
- Yes. - Wow, look at that.
- Back in the day I owned this town.
Tom, do you see what he's doing?
You have to make sure every syllable is heard.
- Shh. Shut up!
- This is my gift to you.
- "How to Act with Vigor and Volume: Volume 2."
- On the roof of that building
I made love to Marcia Gay Harden.
- Kind of a weird story to tell a little kid.
- Yeah, very weird.
Let's get that free dinner.
[jazz music playing]
- Wow, this is so great.
I haven't seen you in, like, 30 years.
- Seeing you again makes me feel so alive.
- Mm-hmm, yes.
- Oh, wow, you guys were all in acting school together?
- Yeah, we-- - I was the star
of the class, but I have to say,
my colleagues here were very supportive.
- Well, you know, I'm not sure "star" is the word I'd use.
- Gary, tell our friends here the anecdote
about the time Daniel Day-Lewis saw me perform
and said, "Now, that is acting."
- Did that happen? I have no memory of that.
- Tom, listen, I'm gonna run to the little boys' room.
If the waiter comes, order me a martini
with gherkins not olives and tell him not to drown it
in vermouth like a bourgeois fool.
- We'll just order when you're back.
- Tom, I want you to lean in and listen to me.
- Okay. What's up, Gary?
- Whatever he's teaching you, do the opposite.
- Why? I thought he's the best actor of his generation.
- Who told you that? - Him.
- Yeah, he--he says it a lot.
- Oh, he was terrible, the worst.
- Mm, I don't like this.
- So he didn't--he didn't pass on "The Godfather"
'cause it was beneath him?
- They wouldn't even let him do background work
in "Porky's."
- This is a disaster.
I just did a seven-day boot camp with the guy.
- Forget everything he taught you and remember this--
less is more.
- Less is more. Less of what?
- A good actor can convey more
with a look than a thousand words.
- It's all in your face.
- Just show 'em my face, and I'm done?
- Yes, Tom. A subtle grimace... - Ooh, I like that.
- Or a menacing sneer. - I have to admit--
Gary does seem like he knows what he's talking about.
- I feel afraid, but I'm also turned on.
- It's weird that he's still sneering,
but it is--it is dramatic.
[dramatic music playing]
- I mean, I don't mean to boast,
but I did train in New York with a instructor named Gary.
- Wow, cool. - Incredible.
- Had some nibbles at Orso. The whole thing is just--
- Thomas. - Hey, Mr. B.
It's the big night. I'm ready to go.
- Fantastic.
Let's see what level you're performing at.
- Oh, you wanna run the lines? - Yes, Thomas.
- I wasn't planning on saying any of the lines.
- What are you talking about?
- Your friend Gary said less is more, so...
- Tom, you need to talk.
Acting requires talking.
- Get it together. - Ouch.
Oh, no, your friend Gary said all I have to do is this...
- Who's Gary? - Ouch.
Can someone restrain the cat, please?
- Gary is an imbecile. - What?
- I have no choice but to step in and play the part myself.
- Oh, no, Mr. B, I don't know if acting's your strong suit.
- Tom, I am going on. Give me the costume.
- No, Mr. B, please. Please. Hey, stop. Mr. B.
- Get ready for a master class in drama.
- Not gonna lie, I had more fun last year
when I vomited and pooped in my pants.
[indistinct chatter, feedback whines]
- [over PA] Hey, folks, quick update here--
uh, there's been a bit of a casting change.
The lead will now be played by our very own Mr. B,
and Tom is back to playing the village idiot.
Okay, thanks so much.
- Hang on. What?
[soft music playing]
- Our story begins at a bleak café in Denmark.
A lone cat moans in the distance...
- [imitates meowing] [light applause]
- As a old man named Valdemar enters frame.
- A plague, you say?
- Oh, my God.
- Dear parents... [crying]
We shall meet again.
And we shall run through the daffodils
forever more.
[grunting]
- What the hell was that? - That sucked.
[all booing]
- Are they saying "you" or "boo"?
- That was awful. And I'm friends with that man.
- Mr. B, can I give you some acting tips real quick?
- Well, you may as well, Tom. Everybody else has.
[whispering indistinctly]
Tom, I'm afraid you might be right.
All right, you fucking idiots,
we'll take it from Valdemar's soliloquy.
♪ ♪
Terence, my dear, dear Terence,
I must ask, and I must ask now.
Who amongst you lost wastrels...
farted?
- What the hell was that?
- Get him off the stage. [all booing]
- Um, it's called comic relief,
you soulless gnomes.
- Man, who says "fart" and don't get a laugh?
- Yeah, he really butchered my mom's dialogue.
On paper, that line was great.
- ♪ Remember, there's more road ♪
♪ And places to go ♪
♪ And patterns to contemplate ♪
♪ More people to fornicate ♪
♪ And remember, there's a lot of good omens ♪
♪ Supplying the proof that our life ♪
♪ Is the best joke ever told ♪
♪ Remember, it's a joke and leave it alone ♪
♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪
♪ Remember, if there's one good reason for dying ♪
♪ The sweet silver lining ♪
♪ Through you she lives on ♪
♪ And therein lies a truth ♪
♪ We can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪