- ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪
♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪
♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪
♪ I present no explanations ♪
♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪
♪ To satiate for long ♪
♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪
[bell rings]
- Kids, I've graded your mid-term exams.
Some of you performed atrociously,
while others stepped up quite well.
- B-minus?
- Oh, don't be mad, Tom, it was a hard test.
- Mad? I'm ecstatic.
I've never gotten a B-minus in my life!
- Oh, well. Congratulations, then.
- Oh, my God, I'm gonna dance. I can't control myself.
- My man! I knew you could do it, baby!
- I've never been this happy in my life. I got a B-minus!
[feedback squeaks] - Attention, students.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but this is very urgent.
Tom, I need to see you now.
- Kind of puts a damper on the B-minus dance.
- Get up right now and go, go, go, go.
Run towards my office!
- Hey, Principal, I ran down the hall.
What's going on? - Tom, it's about your mother.
- My mom? What do you mean? Is she okay?
- Are you kidding me?
She's better than okay. She's on fire.
- Wait. I'm not following. What?
- I'm attracted to your mom, and I've been watching her
for years at PTA meetings, at bake sales.
I saw her come out of the supermarket;
I sat in my car, I got aroused.
- I'm not sure this was an urgent matter.
- Well, it's urgent for me. I need a favor.
- Okay. - When you get home, I want you
to try to casually weave my name into the conversation.
- Just casually weave it in? - Casually. Something like,
I don't know, "The principal's got a great personality.
Hey, ever notice his tush, Mom?"
- That's not gonna sound natural.
When I get home, I usually just say, "When's dinner?"
- Tom, you owe me. - Do I?
- How do you think you got a B-minus?
- Hard work? - I pulled strings, okay?
- Wait, you're saying it's a fake grade?
- Yeah. - Oh, this is really going to
a dark place here.
- Not if you know how the world works,
it's not dark, Tom.
But the most important thing is
please keep this between us.
- Why? - Well, the school frowns
upon--they almost over-frown upon principals
hitting on moms.
- My son got a B-minus? - Yeah, it's no big deal.
- This is amazing!
- Yeah, enough about me, though.
- I couldn't be more proud.
- Uh, anyway, on an unrelated note,
I just overheard some of the moms talking at school.
They really seem to think the principal is hot.
- Excuse me? - The principal.
They seem to think he's got--
uh, what was the phrase? Cute buns or a--
- Cute buns? - Hot tush.
- So a lot of butt talk about the principal.
- It was a lot of different stuff.
They got into the personality, the fun sense of humor.
- Mm-kay. - I don't know why
I focused on the--on the butt comments,
but it was a lot of positive talk, is all.
- Did the principal tell you to talk to me about his body?
- You know what? I think the guy likes you,
so do--do what you will with it.
- He likes me?
Wow, this day keeps getting better.
- Oh, it's a good thing? - Guess what.
The guy's a principal
of a school. - Okay.
- This guy can declare snow days.
He can order textbooks in bulk.
He can have bike racks installed wherever he wants.
- I don't know if that's considered powerful.
- If I can upgrade from plumber to principal,
we're back in business. - Really?
- You tell him I'm in. - All right. Great.
- Even if it gets weird. Even if he's into some kink.
Like, whatever kind of date he wants to go on, I'm in.
- I'll just say you're in.
[classy music plays]
- Excuse me. When you get a chance,
could we get some, uh,
water from the sink, and is all the bread free?
- Uh, yes, sir. All the bread is free.
[crunching]
- And I know you brought us butter.
If I asked for extra butter, is that free, too?
- Yeah, that's free also, sir. [crunching]
- Okay, thank you very much.
- Okay. [chuckles]
He's being silly and hilarious.
We're gonna take the seafood tower
and your classiest wine,
'cause I am on a date with a principal.
- [chuckles] What do you think principals make?
- Well, more than my jackass husband used to make.
Let's get some photos, make him jealous,
show him how good I'm doing. - Oh, no, no, no, no.
If this gets out, I will lose my job.
- No one's gonna see it. Hey, waiter! Come over.
You're gonna get some pictures of us. Okay?
- Okay. - I'm gonna lay on the table.
He's gonna undo his shirt, and I'm gonna put lobster
on his bare skin and eat it off of his skin.
- I don't like to do that. - Oh, okay.
- Oh, geez. - Okay!
- Oh, that's inappropriate.
- Okay, baby bird some lobster into my mouth.
- Okay. [chuckles uncomfortably]
[dramatic tone]
- What have I done? Oh, this is not good.
- Principal? Is that you? - Oh, Tom!
Oh, my God. It's so funny seeing you here.
- It's my house. This is my kitchen.
- Yeah, I just didn't expect to see ya--
- Why are you here? - I stopped by
to go over your grades with your mother.
- Is that my dad's shirt? - Oh, that?
I spilled coffee on my shirt this morning.
And I--
Tom, I'm gonna--I'm gonna level with you.
I didn't think this thing
with your mom was gonna escalate so fast.
- Okay. - I mean, your mom's
a wonderful woman, but she's a maniac.
- That's a lot to take in.
- Tom...I'm schtupping your mother.
- Schtup? What is that? - We-we you know.
Flippity flip, floppity flop.
Look, I don't know how to say it in--in a--
- Does it have to do with pancakes or what are you--?
- Tom, the important thing is that no can know about this.
If this word gets out, I'm done.
- All right, so what do you want me to do?
- Promise me you'll keep it our secret and I will give you
anything you want at school. You name it.
- Anything? - Anything.
- Literally anything?
- Literally anything.
- Just anything, anything I want?
- Just say it.
- How about, uh, free pencils
and some kind of, uh, pouch to keep them in?
- Done. - Really?
- Yes. - That's amazing.
- Aw, look at my two guys.
Tom, get on his lap.
Principal, you feed him some pancakes.
We-we need to stick it
to my ex-husband and to Tina the slut.
- This doesn't feel right at all.
- Let's just get it over with.
[camera shutter clicks]
- Free pencils? - How sweet is that?
- Man, this guy is throwing rod in your mom
and all you asked for was free pencils?
- All I asked for? I'm never going to need a pencil again.
- Come on, man! You need to think big.
With a secret like that, you could ask for anything.
- All right. I mean, I guess we could try
escalating this a bit. - Nelson's right.
- Oh, boy. Here we go.
- With blackmail, you basically own the person.
- Own them? - In grown-up terms, Tom,
you could say he's your bitch now.
- Please don't curse on the bus.
- Guys, how do you think I got
this sweet bus driving gig?
- You didn't just apply? - Blackmail.
- Oh. - Got nude pics
of the bus dispatch guy. - Henry?
- That's how I have job security.
I can do whatever I want.
- I'm tempted to say, can we see them?
- He's sucking his own dick, guys.
- Oh! Hey, hey, hey! Whoa. - Whoa.
Wow. - We've got to start sitting
further back on the bus.
[bell rings]
- Hey there, big boss man.
- Oh, wow. Is this peppermint?
Don't mind if I do.
- All right. First of all, put the peppermints down!
And you guys don't just come running in here like that.
Do you even have an appointment?
- Appointment? - We're not appointment guys.
- Listen, I know what's what.
Tom told me you's banging his mom
and you offered him pencils.
You offered my man pencils? - Are you joking?
- Sorry, I crack under pressure.
I told him. - This is outrageous.
- We would like to leverage this to our advantage.
- Yeah, we want to, um, do
a little blackmail type thing.
- We've got a list of demands.
- This is ridiculous!
A VIP card that gets you out of trouble?
- Laminated. - Two recesses per day?
Great. And I have to read an anti-Hector announcement,
oh, that you guys write?
- That's it. - Come on, I can't do this.
- Who's the principal now, bitch?
- Wow. - All right, all right.
That's too much. I know we have power now,
but that was crossing the line.
[door opens]
- Um, may I ask why you two aren't in class?
- You may not. Talk to the VIP note.
- Oh, my God.
[feedback squeaks] - All right, guys.
I have an announcement
that I have to read to you.
Hector is stupid. - What?
- Thank you. I'm telling you
because if I don't, nobody else will.
[bell rings] - Come on, wrap it up.
Recess is over.
- Actually, we're gonna double dip.
- Double dip? - Double decker recess,
whatever you want to call it.
You have a problem, talk to the principal.
- ♪ Let's get it on now ♪
- Oh, we are living. I'm having a great time.
- Wow, I'm having a good time too.
I mean, but, uh, just, uh, if you could just ease up
on the churros because they're $10 each.
- Why would you care about $10 each?
You're a prina-ci-pal-a.
- Do you mind if I ask how many you bought?
- 30. - Oh, my! 30?
Are you kidding me? That's $300.
- Yeah. - What are you doing with them?
- A couple I ate, but mostly I'm just throwing them.
- Hey, knock it off!
- So 2 you ate and 28 you're throwing!?
- I mean, some ratio akin to that, yeah.
- Oh, my God. - [grunts]
- Give me my credit card. Seriously.
- Come and get it.
- I don't want to come and get it.
- Hey, you.
- Stop throwing the churros, lady!
- Oh, Nelson. I like this VIP lifestyle.
- The sun is shining on us. - Taking a long lunch
while the rest of the chumps are in the cafeteria.
- This whole mom banging episode
really worked out in our favor.
- Oh, no. - What? What?
- What's this? Dakota's mom?
- How many moms is this guy banging?
- All right, we gotta stop this.
- We gotta do something.
If he break up with your mom, our privileges are done.
- This has to end now. What do we do? Google it.
"How to stop principal from banging moms."
- "Stop principals from banging moms."
- "Principal banging multiple women."
- "Principal banging--" Ugh!
- Nothing comes up? - We got 18 results.
Only two of them in English.
- Oh, man. Let's get out of here.
All right. What's the plan?
- We're gonna hack his computer.
- How are we gonna do that?
- Look, we just need to guess his password,
then write a break-up email to Dakota's mom.
- Oh, I love that. - What do you think
a guy like him would use for a password?
- I don't know, "principal" or, uh, "the principal"?
- "The principal." Nope.
- Try "a principal." - "A principal." Nope.
- Try "I'm the principal." - "I'm the principal." Nope.
[door opens] - Hey, guys!
Need some help with your homework?
- No. We're trying to hack
a grown man's email.
What kind of passwords do grown men use?
- Try every variation of the word penis, followed by 69.
- How many variations of penis are there?
- Oh, there's a lot. Are you ready?
- Dong69. - "Dong69". Nope.
- Rod69. - "Rod69." Nope.
- Wiener69. - "Wiener..." Nope.
- Johnson69. - "Johnson..." Nope.
- How about Boner69? - "Boner69." That's it!
- All right, we're in! - Thanks, Dad.
- I'm glad I could help. - Screw unlimited pencils.
We're getting unlimited everything.
Now we just need to craft a carefully worded email.
- All right, let me write it.
I'm pretty smart, with the B-minus and all that.
- Oh, no. No, Tom.
This is my territory. I know how adults talk.
You see how I just talked to that adult?
- All right, you write it.
I'll chime in. - Let's go.
"Dear Dakota's mom." - Nice.
- "Pursuant to my prior obligations"--
- Pursuant. I love that. - "As per our meeting..."
- It sounds like a principal wrote that. It's amazing.
[whistle blows] - Come on, everybody!
- Hey, Coach?
I know you got gym class going on
but can you clear the floor for us?
- What are you saying? - Tom and I have chosen
to play a game of one-on-one today.
- Uh, this is a gym class.
I can't clear the floor for two kids.
- Oh, he don't know? - Yeah, he doesn't know.
- Oh, you don't know? - Talk to the card.
- What is this?
He's giving special treatment to some kids and not others?
- Hey, I mean, this is the way the world works, I was told.
- This is what Martin Luther King marched about.
- Speaking of marches, Coach, get the marching band together.
We're about to play full court one-on-one.
- Full court? - Let me get your whistle.
- Oh, no, no, no, no. You don't touch my whistle.
- Coach, I hate to pull rank. - Tom, my whistle will not go
in another man's mouth. - Give me that whistle.
- No. You're not-- What? No. No.
- Hey, this is the game of the century, Coach.
You don't want to miss this.
[lanyard rips, whistle blows]
- No, I can't just leave school to rent mopeds
and just cruise around all day.
- Lady, you cannot go in there.
- Hold on. I'll call you right back.
- No! I said you can't! - Yes, I am.
- Don't make me forcibly restrain you.
- Don't touch me like that! Gah! Oh, she's biting me!
Oh, look who it is. Principal Dickwad.
What is this email that you sent?
- I sent an email? - Don't play dumb,
'cause guess what? I was smart and I printed it.
I meet with you to discuss a bake sale,
and then you write back saying you can't bang me
since you're already banging Tom's mom?
What is that?
- I didn't write anything. What are you--
- Dating a student's parent is strictly off limits.
It's taboo!
- No, I-- - I swear to God,
you better fix this and you better fix it now.
- You know what? I'm calling it off,
because she's a handful anyway. Thank you for swinging by,
because you're doing me a favor.
- Hey, look who it is. - I have to break it off.
- Oh, yes, I agree. This is great.
- You're not upset at all?
- I found out what grade school principals make.
Heh, you make less than an average plumber.
- Okay, I'm not dirt poor, but--
- I mean, you're pretty poor. See ya!
- Okay.
- All right, me and Nelson are gonna play
a little one-on-one while you guys watch.
- Hector gonna do the play-by-play.
- That's just the way it's gonna be.
- Ah! Percussion! Start right now.
Can I get a low tat-tat-tat-tat?
♪ ♪
- We've really come a long way
from the pencil request, I've got to say.
- We're two kings right now about to make history.
- Here we go! [whistle blows]
- What a match up.
Two legends in basketball going head to head,
where us losers get to watch the best game of their lives?
What?
- Attention, everybody.
I have a quick announcement.
Some fake VIP passes have been floating around,
so if any idiots come up to you
and say they should get special treatment,
please tell them to shut up. Have a nice day.
- All right, let's play!
[students chattering]
- Well, fun while it lasted, I guess.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. What happens now?
- Just be regular ten-year-old kids, I guess.
- Aw, man. We're falling on hard times.
- ♪ Let's get it on now ♪
♪ I like it when you move it ♪
[flute playing softly]
- As we say goodbye to sweet George,
let's remember the better days when he would sit in his bowl,
and kinda blink. Guy loved to blink, didn't he?
- He loved to blink. Yes, he did.
- Nelson, why don't you do the honors
and shove all of his personal belongings down the toilet?
- It's not going down. - Use your foot.
- I'm not putting my foot in your toilet, Tom.
- Nelson, put your foot in the toilet.
It's a funeral. Show some respect.
- My mom would kill me if I ruin these socks.
- All right, fine. I'll do it.
- Don't splash, man! You're splashing me!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on here?
- Mom, we're giving George a funeral.
- George died?
We got him three days ago, Tom. He cost 12 bucks.
- Excuse me. Sorry.
Should I keep playing the flute through this part?
- Keep playing. It's beaut-- it's really beautiful.
- Dakota, take it away from your mouth.
- Dakota, please. - Dakota, no more.
- Oh, my God. This is the worst funeral ever.
- The funeral's off 'cause we're going to the pet store
and we're gonna get our money back.
- Nelson, get her out.
- Nelson, don't. - Ow!
- Oh, my God. Stop. Don't. Give me the fish.
- Give it. - What is happening here?
- Other than putting your foot in the toilet,
this was a very tasteful ceremony.
[door closes]
[cat yowls]
[upbeat '80s music plays]
- Hi, we came here and we were sold a faulty fish.
And, uh, the fish passed.
So if you just want to credit that back to the credit card
or give us some cash.
- Sorry, can't do it. - What's this?
- Can I interest you in a new fish?
- New fish? No. - We need a full refund.
- Yeah, here's the thing.
The fish was healthy three days ago.
He was swimming. He was happy. Now he's been whacked.
- Whacked? - Hang on!
Are you trying to say my son murdered George?
- As corporate policy, we don't say "murder" but yes,
I believe your son murdered the fish.
- I found the body. No one's denying that.
- How dare you say my son, Tom--
- Your son is standing there, ma'am,
with a blank expression on his face.
That's what murderers do.
- His face is always blank. He's a thinker.
- Is--is there a problem over here?
- This "lady"-- - What? Lady in quotes?
- Is trying to return a dead fish?
And she's giving me loads of
'tude because I'm not having it.
- All right, calm down. Thanks, Casey. I've got this.
Sorry you're upset
and I apologize for what just happened.
I'm not gonna try to sell you another fish.
- Okay, thank you.
- But what are your feelings on gerbils?
- No, there's no way I'm spending more money.
- Come on, Mom. He's so cute. - [sighs]
- Yeah, come on, Mom. Come on, Mom.
- Oh. We can't afford it.
- Oh. I guess you don't love me?
- Oh, no, Tom. Do not make sad Tom face.
- You're still a good mom. Some mothers just care
about money more than their child's happiness.
[gerbil squeaking] - Fine!
What's the cheapest gerbil you've got?
- That would be a senior gerbil for $75.
- $75? Are you out of your mind?
- I'm not. Casey has issues, but I'm doing fine.
- Ugh. You know what? Fine. Wrap him up.
- Um, we don't say
"wrap them up" like it's a burrito.
- Casey, I've got this.
At Pet Depot, we happily wrap up all the animals.
[toilet flushes]
- All right, Larry, play time's over.
Take a load off. Take a nap.
Make yourself comfortable. Let's circle back later.
- Hey kid, is your mom around?
That toilet is completely destroyed.
- You know, she doesn't talk to plumbers any more.
She told me to-to tell you to shut up and fix the toilet.
- What's this? - My dad was a plumber.
It's a sore subject. - Yes, yes, yes.
Okay, now I know who we're dealing with here.
- Whoa! Who's this cute little guy?
- My gerbil, Larry. He's 82.
- Hi, Larry. What a cutie you are.
- Isn't he cute? - Yeah, very cute!
Well, this is a little surprise for me in my day.
- I love him. - Hi, Larry!
Too bad you have to live your life in captivity.
You're like a little prisoner, aren't ya, Larry?
- Prisoner? What's this?
- What'd ya do? What crime did you do?
- No. He's my pet gerbil.
- I'm just saying his cage is like a prison.
- Nah, nah, nah. They call this the "Deluxe Cabana."
It's like he's on vacation.
- When you go on vacation, where do you--where do you go?
A little room?
- We don't--I don't go in a little room, no.
- Got'cha, got'cha, got'cha.
You know, I'm just a simple plumber, "shut up
and get in the bathroom," but if you ask me,
we don't have the right to treat animals as property.
- Well, you know, he was on sale, so--
- You think selling a living creature,
does that sound morally fine to you?
I don't know what your morals are in this house.
- Selling creatures?
Yeah, you can buy gerbils. People do that, right?
- Hmm. How would you like to live in a little teeny cage?
- To be honest, I think I would thrive in that environment.
- H-how about we take him for a little spin then?
- What do you mean? - How about you
pretend you're Larry for one minute?
- No. Aren't you here to fix the toilet?
What's happening? Oh, no. I don't want to get--
No, I'm not getting in there. No, no.
Please. - Come on. Hop in here.
- No, get back in the bathroom. This is too much now.
- Come on. It'll be fun.
Pretend you're Larry. - This is getting weird.
- [low voice] Come on, just get in there. It'll be fun.
- That's not a reassuring voice.
Oh! Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Ah, there we go.
- Did you lock the door? What's happening?
- If I could change one young person's mind,
I've done my good deed for the day.
And I always do my good deed for the day.
- I think you oversold how much fun this was gonna be.
You're not leaving, are you? What's happening out there?
[knocking on door] Larry, what's he doing?
- Hi, uh, I need to reschedule my neck rub.
My son's been missing for an insane amount of hours.
And it just feels weird to get a massage right now.
- Mom! Let me out! - Tom? Are you in there?
- Mom, where you been? Oh, my God.
- Oh, there you are. - How long was I in there?
- I haven't seen you for six hours.
I thought you were kidnapped. - Oh.
You didn't call the police, or anything or?
- They do recommend you wait 24 hours.
It's what they say on all the shows.
- I don't know if that's the case, but--
- I was worried though. - Anyway, listen.
I did some soul searching. I think we got to let Larry go.
- Let him go? Are you on cocaine, Tom?
- Cocaine? No. What do you do? How do you--
- We paid a lot of money for him.
Plus, he's a member of the family.
With your dad gone, Larry's the man of the house.
- Wait. Larry's the man of the house? Not me?
- No. Larry's a lot older than you.
- All right, fine. Larry stays. - "All right, fine's"
not gonna cut it. Raise your right hand.
We're gonna do a promise pledge.
- What do I say? - I swear to my mom--
- That I will not set Larry free.
- I will not set Larry free.
- I will keep him in this house as the man of the house.
And if I do not, then my mother will die.
I pledge on Larry's life. Amen.
- I'm not gonna say that, but you have my word.
[thunder rumbles]
- [muttering] Larry. Oh, no. Oh.
Slave. Sorry. Prison. Cage. Prisoner.
- Who gave you the moral authority to enslave me?
[squeaking]
You get me out of this God forsaken cage now!
- Larry! Larry! Ahhh!
All right, so much for the pledge.
That's just not gonna happen.
- Tom, what's going on, man?
I know you guys got money problems
but there's literally a rat in your jacket.
- That's not a rat. It's my gerbil, Larry.
I'm gonna set him free
at the school today. - Set him free?
- I just want to let him know the taste of freedom.
I'm gonna let him go on the soccer field.
Turn him loose. - The soccer field?
Tom, do you see cleats on this guy?
- Cleats? On Larry? No.
- Do you see colorful Umbro shorts?
- I don't. - Exactly.
You need to leave him in the wilderness.
He's a wild animal.
- Nelson's right. - Here we go.
- Gerbils are direct descendants of wolves, Tom.
- They're not little wolves. - Tom, there are two things
I know: buses and rodents.
- Okay. - This guy's an apex predator.
He needs an ecosystem where he can thrive and hunt and kill.
- Oh. Okay.
So where's the wilderness in Central Jersey?
- Behind the TJ Maxx is perfect.
[percussive music]
Sorry, kids. Emergency pit stop.
Tom needs to hop out and poop real quick.
- No. Pee. I've gotta pee. Why would you say that?
- You need all the time you can get.
- He's right. I got to take a quick dump.
- Tom, you're gonna make everybody late for school!
- Just give me, like, a half hour.
- Why now? We're, like, two minutes from school!
- Hey, what can I say?
I prefer the woods. I can't hold it.
I need some privacy and some time.
[bell rings]
- [clapping] Okay, little angels.
As you know, this weekend is our big--
- Hey, Tom? - Hey.
- Are you okay? 'Cause there've been a lot
of high profile pooping incidents recently.
- Oh, I wasn't really-- That was a decoy.
I did a good deed. I set my gerbil free.
- Hm? - To live in the wilderness.
- What? - In the woods behind TJ Maxx.
- Tom, gerbils are domesticated pets.
Without food or water, he'll die!
- What do you mean? He's like a wolf.
He's like an apex predator, I was told.
- What's their prey?
Little pellets that come in a bag?
- Excuse me, you two. Is there something
more important going on than syncopation?
- Tom's gerbil's in the woods behind TJ Maxx
and if we don't find him now, he's gonna die!
- Your gerbil is on the loose? - I'm on it.
I'll blast out a community alert.
Tom, what's the reward? - Oh, just put down a dollar.
My mom has money problems. - No, no. That's not enough.
Um, I'm gonna put in 10,000!
- 10,000? No, no, no! - Done. Let's go.
- Done? - A 10 G gerbil!
- No, we--we never established the 10 G's.
- Are you kidding me? Let's go find that gerbil!
- Loser, swipe. Fake hair, swipe.
Fingered me in a parking lot, swipe.
"$10,000 reward for missing elderly gerbil
in woods behind TJ Maxx." Son of a bitch.
[tires squeal]
[dramatic music]
[children shouting anxiously]
[squeaking]
- Okay, everyone. Welcome to the manhunt.
I really appreciate you coming out.
As a very wise plumber once told me,
"Every life is precious."
[tires screech, pop music playing]
- Hi, everyone. Attention! Hi. Hello.
I'm Tom's mom. I'm in control here.
And to clarify, there's no reward.
That was a joke.
- A joke? What happened to the ten grand?
- I'm gonna get fired
'cause I helped you search for this gerbil!
- I'm gonna leave. - Okay, fine.
For argument's sake, let's say there's a reward.
You'll get $10,000. Of my own money.
Now, I'm gonna have Tom,
my son here, explain who we're looking for.
- Thanks, Ma. Well, he's of average weight.
And average height. Average gerbil height.
Standard gerbil color. In the beige family.
- Yeah, that doesn't help. - All right, he's elderly.
So when you search, it's important that you yell,
"Here, sweet baby Larry!"
- So we're just looking for a nondescript animal
in a large wooded area while we're screaming,
"Here, sweet baby Larry." - Oh, last thing.
You need to cut up some sliced pears and say,
"Who's ready for din din?"
I know it's a lot. I know it's a lot.
- Now, please,
can we get serious and go find that gerbil?
[indistinct chatter]
- Tom, we need to find Larry ourselves
or it's coming out of your college fund.
- Ugh. You're not great at pep talks.
♪ ♪
- Sweet baby Larry!
- Larry! Larry, Larry, Larry!
- Here, sweet Larry. - Who's ready for din din?
[overlapping "Larry"]
- Tom, it's been two hours
and we've gone through five pounds of pears.
- We can't give up. We can't give up.
- Oh, my gosh! Guys!
I think I found sweet baby Larry.
[squeaking]
- That's amazing! Hold on to him! I'm on my way!
- I'm gonna get $10,000 rewa-- Ow!
- I got him, people! The gerbil is safe.
And I just saved 10 G's!
- Ah! Great job, Mom!
Ah, it's so good to have Larry back.
- This is amazing. What a happy ending!
- Everyone, over here! He's alive.
Larry, say thank you to the crowd.
[cheers and applause]
- Ahhh!
Oh, son of a bitch hawk! [hawk caws]
- Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a pet owner.
- I tried to warn you. Do not talk to plumbers.
You talk to a plumber, the next thing you know
a hawk's flying off with your gerbil.
- ♪ Remember there's more road ♪
♪ And places to go ♪
♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪
♪ More people to fornicate ♪
♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪
♪ Supplying the proof ♪
♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪
♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪
♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪
♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪
♪ The sweet silver lining ♪
♪ Through you she lives on ♪
♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪