1 00:00:04,756 --> 00:00:08,801 - ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪ 2 00:00:08,885 --> 00:00:12,764 ♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪ 3 00:00:12,847 --> 00:00:18,519 ♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪ 4 00:00:18,603 --> 00:00:21,022 ♪ ♪ 5 00:00:21,105 --> 00:00:25,359 ♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪ 6 00:00:25,443 --> 00:00:29,530 ♪ I present no explanations ♪ 7 00:00:29,614 --> 00:00:33,159 ♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪ 8 00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:37,497 ♪ To satiate for long ♪ 9 00:00:37,580 --> 00:00:41,292 ♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪ 10 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:45,421 ♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪ 11 00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:48,674 [bell rings] 12 00:00:48,758 --> 00:00:50,968 - Kids, I've graded your mid-term exams. 13 00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:53,679 Some of you performed atrociously, 14 00:00:53,763 --> 00:00:56,224 while others stepped up quite well. 15 00:00:56,307 --> 00:00:57,850 - B-minus? 16 00:00:57,934 --> 00:01:00,061 - Oh, don't be mad, Tom, it was a hard test. 17 00:01:00,144 --> 00:01:01,395 - Mad? I'm ecstatic. 18 00:01:01,479 --> 00:01:02,814 I've never gotten a B-minus in my life! 19 00:01:02,897 --> 00:01:04,524 - Oh, well. Congratulations, then. 20 00:01:04,607 --> 00:01:06,526 - Oh, my God, I'm gonna dance. I can't control myself. 21 00:01:06,609 --> 00:01:08,277 - My man! I knew you could do it, baby! 22 00:01:08,361 --> 00:01:10,363 - I've never been this happy in my life. I got a B-minus! 23 00:01:10,446 --> 00:01:12,031 [feedback squeaks] - Attention, students. 24 00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:14,242 I'm sorry to interrupt, but this is very urgent. 25 00:01:14,325 --> 00:01:16,285 Tom, I need to see you now. 26 00:01:16,369 --> 00:01:18,621 - Kind of puts a damper on the B-minus dance. 27 00:01:18,704 --> 00:01:20,540 - Get up right now and go, go, go, go. 28 00:01:20,623 --> 00:01:22,458 Run towards my office! 29 00:01:25,878 --> 00:01:27,296 - Hey, Principal, I ran down the hall. 30 00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:29,423 What's going on? - Tom, it's about your mother. 31 00:01:29,507 --> 00:01:30,675 - My mom? What do you mean? Is she okay? 32 00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:32,051 - Are you kidding me? 33 00:01:32,134 --> 00:01:33,928 She's better than okay. She's on fire. 34 00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:36,055 - Wait. I'm not following. What? 35 00:01:36,138 --> 00:01:38,224 - I'm attracted to your mom, and I've been watching her 36 00:01:38,307 --> 00:01:40,810 for years at PTA meetings, at bake sales. 37 00:01:40,893 --> 00:01:42,353 I saw her come out of the supermarket; 38 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,230 I sat in my car, I got aroused. 39 00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:46,566 - I'm not sure this was an urgent matter. 40 00:01:46,649 --> 00:01:49,068 - Well, it's urgent for me. I need a favor. 41 00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:50,736 - Okay. - When you get home, I want you 42 00:01:50,820 --> 00:01:53,865 to try to casually weave my name into the conversation. 43 00:01:53,948 --> 00:01:56,075 - Just casually weave it in? - Casually. Something like, 44 00:01:56,158 --> 00:01:58,244 I don't know, "The principal's got a great personality. 45 00:01:58,327 --> 00:01:59,787 Hey, ever notice his tush, Mom?" 46 00:01:59,871 --> 00:02:01,455 - That's not gonna sound natural. 47 00:02:01,539 --> 00:02:03,040 When I get home, I usually just say, "When's dinner?" 48 00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:04,458 - Tom, you owe me. - Do I? 49 00:02:04,542 --> 00:02:06,002 - How do you think you got a B-minus? 50 00:02:06,085 --> 00:02:07,795 - Hard work? - I pulled strings, okay? 51 00:02:07,879 --> 00:02:09,422 - Wait, you're saying it's a fake grade? 52 00:02:09,505 --> 00:02:11,090 - Yeah. - Oh, this is really going to 53 00:02:11,174 --> 00:02:12,383 a dark place here. 54 00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:13,718 - Not if you know how the world works, 55 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:14,844 it's not dark, Tom. 56 00:02:14,927 --> 00:02:16,470 But the most important thing is 57 00:02:16,554 --> 00:02:18,097 please keep this between us. 58 00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:19,891 - Why? - Well, the school frowns 59 00:02:19,974 --> 00:02:23,519 upon--they almost over-frown upon principals 60 00:02:23,603 --> 00:02:25,062 hitting on moms. 61 00:02:25,146 --> 00:02:27,899 - My son got a B-minus? - Yeah, it's no big deal. 62 00:02:27,982 --> 00:02:29,275 - This is amazing! 63 00:02:29,358 --> 00:02:30,568 - Yeah, enough about me, though. 64 00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,028 - I couldn't be more proud. 65 00:02:32,111 --> 00:02:33,696 - Uh, anyway, on an unrelated note, 66 00:02:33,779 --> 00:02:36,240 I just overheard some of the moms talking at school. 67 00:02:36,324 --> 00:02:38,659 They really seem to think the principal is hot. 68 00:02:38,743 --> 00:02:40,119 - Excuse me? - The principal. 69 00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:41,454 They seem to think he's got-- 70 00:02:41,537 --> 00:02:43,623 uh, what was the phrase? Cute buns or a-- 71 00:02:43,706 --> 00:02:45,124 - Cute buns? - Hot tush. 72 00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:46,792 - So a lot of butt talk about the principal. 73 00:02:46,876 --> 00:02:48,502 - It was a lot of different stuff. 74 00:02:48,586 --> 00:02:51,297 They got into the personality, the fun sense of humor. 75 00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:52,715 - Mm-kay. - I don't know why 76 00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:54,383 I focused on the--on the butt comments, 77 00:02:54,467 --> 00:02:56,135 but it was a lot of positive talk, is all. 78 00:02:56,218 --> 00:02:59,138 - Did the principal tell you to talk to me about his body? 79 00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:00,806 - You know what? I think the guy likes you, 80 00:03:00,890 --> 00:03:02,767 so do--do what you will with it. 81 00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,060 - He likes me? 82 00:03:04,143 --> 00:03:06,646 Wow, this day keeps getting better. 83 00:03:06,729 --> 00:03:08,856 - Oh, it's a good thing? - Guess what. 84 00:03:08,940 --> 00:03:10,191 The guy's a principal 85 00:03:10,274 --> 00:03:11,484 of a school. - Okay. 86 00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:13,110 - This guy can declare snow days. 87 00:03:13,194 --> 00:03:14,737 He can order textbooks in bulk. 88 00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:16,822 He can have bike racks installed wherever he wants. 89 00:03:16,906 --> 00:03:18,532 - I don't know if that's considered powerful. 90 00:03:18,616 --> 00:03:20,868 - If I can upgrade from plumber to principal, 91 00:03:20,952 --> 00:03:22,662 we're back in business. - Really? 92 00:03:22,745 --> 00:03:24,413 - You tell him I'm in. - All right. Great. 93 00:03:24,497 --> 00:03:26,958 - Even if it gets weird. Even if he's into some kink. 94 00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:29,919 Like, whatever kind of date he wants to go on, I'm in. 95 00:03:30,002 --> 00:03:31,462 - I'll just say you're in. 96 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,172 [classy music plays] 97 00:03:33,255 --> 00:03:34,674 - Excuse me. When you get a chance, 98 00:03:34,757 --> 00:03:36,175 could we get some, uh, 99 00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:39,303 water from the sink, and is all the bread free? 100 00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:41,013 - Uh, yes, sir. All the bread is free. 101 00:03:41,097 --> 00:03:42,306 [crunching] 102 00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:43,891 - And I know you brought us butter. 103 00:03:43,975 --> 00:03:45,851 If I asked for extra butter, is that free, too? 104 00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:48,396 - Yeah, that's free also, sir. [crunching] 105 00:03:48,479 --> 00:03:50,147 - Okay, thank you very much. 106 00:03:50,231 --> 00:03:51,983 - Okay. [chuckles] 107 00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:54,026 He's being silly and hilarious. 108 00:03:54,110 --> 00:03:55,528 We're gonna take the seafood tower 109 00:03:55,611 --> 00:03:57,405 and your classiest wine, 110 00:03:57,488 --> 00:03:59,865 'cause I am on a date with a principal. 111 00:03:59,949 --> 00:04:02,243 - [chuckles] What do you think principals make? 112 00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:04,704 - Well, more than my jackass husband used to make. 113 00:04:04,787 --> 00:04:06,539 Let's get some photos, make him jealous, 114 00:04:06,622 --> 00:04:08,749 show him how good I'm doing. - Oh, no, no, no, no. 115 00:04:08,833 --> 00:04:10,334 If this gets out, I will lose my job. 116 00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:12,878 - No one's gonna see it. Hey, waiter! Come over. 117 00:04:12,962 --> 00:04:14,714 You're gonna get some pictures of us. Okay? 118 00:04:14,797 --> 00:04:16,382 - Okay. - I'm gonna lay on the table. 119 00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:19,552 He's gonna undo his shirt, and I'm gonna put lobster 120 00:04:19,635 --> 00:04:22,221 on his bare skin and eat it off of his skin. 121 00:04:22,305 --> 00:04:24,223 - I don't like to do that. - Oh, okay. 122 00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:25,516 - Oh, geez. - Okay! 123 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:26,976 - Oh, that's inappropriate. 124 00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:30,354 - Okay, baby bird some lobster into my mouth. 125 00:04:30,438 --> 00:04:31,897 - Okay. [chuckles uncomfortably] 126 00:04:31,981 --> 00:04:34,150 [dramatic tone] 127 00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:37,820 - What have I done? Oh, this is not good. 128 00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:39,947 - Principal? Is that you? - Oh, Tom! 129 00:04:40,031 --> 00:04:41,824 Oh, my God. It's so funny seeing you here. 130 00:04:41,907 --> 00:04:43,284 - It's my house. This is my kitchen. 131 00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:44,702 - Yeah, I just didn't expect to see ya-- 132 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,120 - Why are you here? - I stopped by 133 00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:47,663 to go over your grades with your mother. 134 00:04:47,747 --> 00:04:49,999 - Is that my dad's shirt? - Oh, that? 135 00:04:50,082 --> 00:04:51,959 I spilled coffee on my shirt this morning. 136 00:04:52,043 --> 00:04:53,252 And I-- 137 00:04:53,336 --> 00:04:54,920 Tom, I'm gonna--I'm gonna level with you. 138 00:04:55,004 --> 00:04:56,338 I didn't think this thing 139 00:04:56,422 --> 00:04:58,090 with your mom was gonna escalate so fast. 140 00:04:58,174 --> 00:04:59,508 - Okay. - I mean, your mom's 141 00:04:59,592 --> 00:05:01,427 a wonderful woman, but she's a maniac. 142 00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:02,720 - That's a lot to take in. 143 00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:05,848 - Tom...I'm schtupping your mother. 144 00:05:05,931 --> 00:05:08,100 - Schtup? What is that? - We-we you know. 145 00:05:08,184 --> 00:05:09,518 Flippity flip, floppity flop. 146 00:05:09,602 --> 00:05:11,228 Look, I don't know how to say it in--in a-- 147 00:05:11,312 --> 00:05:13,064 - Does it have to do with pancakes or what are you--? 148 00:05:13,147 --> 00:05:15,399 - Tom, the important thing is that no can know about this. 149 00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:17,443 If this word gets out, I'm done. 150 00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:19,278 - All right, so what do you want me to do? 151 00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:21,322 - Promise me you'll keep it our secret and I will give you 152 00:05:21,405 --> 00:05:23,491 anything you want at school. You name it. 153 00:05:23,574 --> 00:05:24,950 - Anything? - Anything. 154 00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:26,202 - Literally anything? 155 00:05:26,285 --> 00:05:27,703 - Literally anything. 156 00:05:27,787 --> 00:05:29,038 - Just anything, anything I want? 157 00:05:29,121 --> 00:05:30,122 - Just say it. 158 00:05:30,206 --> 00:05:31,582 - How about, uh, free pencils 159 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:33,709 and some kind of, uh, pouch to keep them in? 160 00:05:33,793 --> 00:05:35,127 - Done. - Really? 161 00:05:35,211 --> 00:05:36,420 - Yes. - That's amazing. 162 00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:38,422 - Aw, look at my two guys. 163 00:05:38,506 --> 00:05:39,882 Tom, get on his lap. 164 00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:41,342 Principal, you feed him some pancakes. 165 00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:42,635 We-we need to stick it 166 00:05:42,718 --> 00:05:44,595 to my ex-husband and to Tina the slut. 167 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,180 - This doesn't feel right at all. 168 00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:47,556 - Let's just get it over with. 169 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:48,933 [camera shutter clicks] 170 00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,810 - Free pencils? - How sweet is that? 171 00:05:50,893 --> 00:05:52,436 - Man, this guy is throwing rod in your mom 172 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,230 and all you asked for was free pencils? 173 00:05:54,313 --> 00:05:56,774 - All I asked for? I'm never going to need a pencil again. 174 00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,734 - Come on, man! You need to think big. 175 00:05:58,818 --> 00:06:01,028 With a secret like that, you could ask for anything. 176 00:06:01,112 --> 00:06:02,822 - All right. I mean, I guess we could try 177 00:06:02,905 --> 00:06:04,448 escalating this a bit. - Nelson's right. 178 00:06:04,532 --> 00:06:05,991 - Oh, boy. Here we go. 179 00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:07,701 - With blackmail, you basically own the person. 180 00:06:07,785 --> 00:06:09,370 - Own them? - In grown-up terms, Tom, 181 00:06:09,453 --> 00:06:10,871 you could say he's your bitch now. 182 00:06:10,955 --> 00:06:12,081 - Please don't curse on the bus. 183 00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:13,332 - Guys, how do you think I got 184 00:06:13,415 --> 00:06:14,583 this sweet bus driving gig? 185 00:06:14,667 --> 00:06:16,669 - You didn't just apply? - Blackmail. 186 00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:18,337 - Oh. - Got nude pics 187 00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:20,131 of the bus dispatch guy. - Henry? 188 00:06:20,214 --> 00:06:22,091 - That's how I have job security. 189 00:06:22,174 --> 00:06:23,384 I can do whatever I want. 190 00:06:23,467 --> 00:06:25,010 - I'm tempted to say, can we see them? 191 00:06:25,094 --> 00:06:26,554 - He's sucking his own dick, guys. 192 00:06:26,637 --> 00:06:28,013 - Oh! Hey, hey, hey! Whoa. - Whoa. 193 00:06:28,097 --> 00:06:29,682 Wow. - We've got to start sitting 194 00:06:29,765 --> 00:06:31,058 further back on the bus. 195 00:06:31,142 --> 00:06:32,351 [bell rings] 196 00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:34,520 - Hey there, big boss man. 197 00:06:34,603 --> 00:06:36,188 - Oh, wow. Is this peppermint? 198 00:06:36,272 --> 00:06:37,857 Don't mind if I do. 199 00:06:38,858 --> 00:06:40,776 - All right. First of all, put the peppermints down! 200 00:06:40,860 --> 00:06:42,736 And you guys don't just come running in here like that. 201 00:06:42,820 --> 00:06:44,280 Do you even have an appointment? 202 00:06:44,363 --> 00:06:46,198 - Appointment? - We're not appointment guys. 203 00:06:46,282 --> 00:06:47,533 - Listen, I know what's what. 204 00:06:47,616 --> 00:06:49,869 Tom told me you's banging his mom 205 00:06:49,952 --> 00:06:51,370 and you offered him pencils. 206 00:06:51,453 --> 00:06:53,873 You offered my man pencils? - Are you joking? 207 00:06:53,956 --> 00:06:55,207 - Sorry, I crack under pressure. 208 00:06:55,291 --> 00:06:56,917 I told him. - This is outrageous. 209 00:06:57,001 --> 00:06:58,460 - We would like to leverage this to our advantage. 210 00:06:58,544 --> 00:06:59,962 - Yeah, we want to, um, do 211 00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:01,422 a little blackmail type thing. 212 00:07:01,505 --> 00:07:03,048 - We've got a list of demands. 213 00:07:03,132 --> 00:07:04,842 - This is ridiculous! 214 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,636 A VIP card that gets you out of trouble? 215 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:09,513 - Laminated. - Two recesses per day? 216 00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:12,224 Great. And I have to read an anti-Hector announcement, 217 00:07:12,308 --> 00:07:13,601 oh, that you guys write? 218 00:07:13,684 --> 00:07:15,895 - That's it. - Come on, I can't do this. 219 00:07:15,978 --> 00:07:19,064 - Who's the principal now, bitch? 220 00:07:19,148 --> 00:07:20,441 - Wow. - All right, all right. 221 00:07:20,524 --> 00:07:22,193 That's too much. I know we have power now, 222 00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:23,861 but that was crossing the line. 223 00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:26,071 [door opens] 224 00:07:26,155 --> 00:07:28,949 - Um, may I ask why you two aren't in class? 225 00:07:29,033 --> 00:07:32,036 - You may not. Talk to the VIP note. 226 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,495 - Oh, my God. 227 00:07:33,579 --> 00:07:34,914 [feedback squeaks] - All right, guys. 228 00:07:34,997 --> 00:07:36,123 I have an announcement 229 00:07:36,207 --> 00:07:37,750 that I have to read to you. 230 00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:39,418 Hector is stupid. - What? 231 00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:40,836 - Thank you. I'm telling you 232 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,338 because if I don't, nobody else will. 233 00:07:42,421 --> 00:07:44,340 [bell rings] - Come on, wrap it up. 234 00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:45,633 Recess is over. 235 00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:47,092 - Actually, we're gonna double dip. 236 00:07:47,176 --> 00:07:48,761 - Double dip? - Double decker recess, 237 00:07:48,844 --> 00:07:50,262 whatever you want to call it. 238 00:07:50,346 --> 00:07:52,264 You have a problem, talk to the principal. 239 00:07:52,348 --> 00:07:54,767 - ♪ Let's get it on now ♪ 240 00:07:54,850 --> 00:07:57,478 - Oh, we are living. I'm having a great time. 241 00:07:57,561 --> 00:07:59,104 - Wow, I'm having a good time too. 242 00:07:59,188 --> 00:08:01,565 I mean, but, uh, just, uh, if you could just ease up 243 00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:04,235 on the churros because they're $10 each. 244 00:08:04,318 --> 00:08:06,320 - Why would you care about $10 each? 245 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,322 You're a prina-ci-pal-a. 246 00:08:08,405 --> 00:08:10,449 - Do you mind if I ask how many you bought? 247 00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:11,825 - 30. - Oh, my! 30? 248 00:08:11,909 --> 00:08:13,661 Are you kidding me? That's $300. 249 00:08:13,744 --> 00:08:15,371 - Yeah. - What are you doing with them? 250 00:08:15,454 --> 00:08:17,957 - A couple I ate, but mostly I'm just throwing them. 251 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:19,250 - Hey, knock it off! 252 00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:21,710 - So 2 you ate and 28 you're throwing!? 253 00:08:21,794 --> 00:08:24,630 - I mean, some ratio akin to that, yeah. 254 00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:25,965 - Oh, my God. - [grunts] 255 00:08:26,048 --> 00:08:27,174 - Give me my credit card. Seriously. 256 00:08:27,258 --> 00:08:28,467 - Come and get it. 257 00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:29,927 - I don't want to come and get it. 258 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,178 - Hey, you. 259 00:08:31,262 --> 00:08:33,222 - Stop throwing the churros, lady! 260 00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:37,184 - Oh, Nelson. I like this VIP lifestyle. 261 00:08:37,268 --> 00:08:39,603 - The sun is shining on us. - Taking a long lunch 262 00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:42,106 while the rest of the chumps are in the cafeteria. 263 00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,816 - This whole mom banging episode 264 00:08:43,899 --> 00:08:45,317 really worked out in our favor. 265 00:08:45,401 --> 00:08:46,485 - Oh, no. - What? What? 266 00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:49,530 - What's this? Dakota's mom? 267 00:08:49,613 --> 00:08:51,031 - How many moms is this guy banging? 268 00:08:51,115 --> 00:08:52,491 - All right, we gotta stop this. 269 00:08:52,574 --> 00:08:53,993 - We gotta do something. 270 00:08:54,076 --> 00:08:56,078 If he break up with your mom, our privileges are done. 271 00:08:56,161 --> 00:08:58,414 - This has to end now. What do we do? Google it. 272 00:08:58,497 --> 00:09:01,000 "How to stop principal from banging moms." 273 00:09:01,083 --> 00:09:03,252 - "Stop principals from banging moms." 274 00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:06,338 - "Principal banging multiple women." 275 00:09:06,422 --> 00:09:08,507 - "Principal banging--" Ugh! 276 00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:10,342 - Nothing comes up? - We got 18 results. 277 00:09:10,426 --> 00:09:11,844 Only two of them in English. 278 00:09:11,927 --> 00:09:13,554 - Oh, man. Let's get out of here. 279 00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:14,847 All right. What's the plan? 280 00:09:14,930 --> 00:09:16,056 - We're gonna hack his computer. 281 00:09:16,140 --> 00:09:17,558 - How are we gonna do that? 282 00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:19,184 - Look, we just need to guess his password, 283 00:09:19,268 --> 00:09:21,186 then write a break-up email to Dakota's mom. 284 00:09:21,270 --> 00:09:22,688 - Oh, I love that. - What do you think 285 00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:24,315 a guy like him would use for a password? 286 00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:26,734 - I don't know, "principal" or, uh, "the principal"? 287 00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:29,194 - "The principal." Nope. 288 00:09:29,278 --> 00:09:31,947 - Try "a principal." - "A principal." Nope. 289 00:09:32,031 --> 00:09:36,368 - Try "I'm the principal." - "I'm the principal." Nope. 290 00:09:36,452 --> 00:09:37,953 [door opens] - Hey, guys! 291 00:09:38,037 --> 00:09:39,204 Need some help with your homework? 292 00:09:39,288 --> 00:09:40,539 - No. We're trying to hack 293 00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:41,999 a grown man's email. 294 00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:44,460 What kind of passwords do grown men use? 295 00:09:44,543 --> 00:09:47,755 - Try every variation of the word penis, followed by 69. 296 00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:49,423 - How many variations of penis are there? 297 00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:51,550 - Oh, there's a lot. Are you ready? 298 00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:53,385 - Dong69. - "Dong69". Nope. 299 00:09:53,469 --> 00:09:55,262 - Rod69. - "Rod69." Nope. 300 00:09:55,346 --> 00:09:57,806 - Wiener69. - "Wiener..." Nope. 301 00:09:57,890 --> 00:10:00,184 - Johnson69. - "Johnson..." Nope. 302 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:03,437 - How about Boner69? - "Boner69." That's it! 303 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,064 - All right, we're in! - Thanks, Dad. 304 00:10:05,147 --> 00:10:09,234 - I'm glad I could help. - Screw unlimited pencils. 305 00:10:09,318 --> 00:10:11,737 We're getting unlimited everything. 306 00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:13,739 Now we just need to craft a carefully worded email. 307 00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:15,199 - All right, let me write it. 308 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:16,909 I'm pretty smart, with the B-minus and all that. 309 00:10:16,992 --> 00:10:18,535 - Oh, no. No, Tom. 310 00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:20,704 This is my territory. I know how adults talk. 311 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:22,289 You see how I just talked to that adult? 312 00:10:22,373 --> 00:10:23,457 - All right, you write it. 313 00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:24,708 I'll chime in. - Let's go. 314 00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:26,418 "Dear Dakota's mom." - Nice. 315 00:10:26,502 --> 00:10:29,630 - "Pursuant to my prior obligations"-- 316 00:10:29,713 --> 00:10:32,758 - Pursuant. I love that. - "As per our meeting..." 317 00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:35,052 - It sounds like a principal wrote that. It's amazing. 318 00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:36,929 [whistle blows] - Come on, everybody! 319 00:10:37,012 --> 00:10:38,013 - Hey, Coach? 320 00:10:38,097 --> 00:10:39,264 I know you got gym class going on 321 00:10:39,348 --> 00:10:40,808 but can you clear the floor for us? 322 00:10:40,891 --> 00:10:42,726 - What are you saying? - Tom and I have chosen 323 00:10:42,810 --> 00:10:44,603 to play a game of one-on-one today. 324 00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:46,021 - Uh, this is a gym class. 325 00:10:46,105 --> 00:10:47,940 I can't clear the floor for two kids. 326 00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:49,441 - Oh, he don't know? - Yeah, he doesn't know. 327 00:10:49,525 --> 00:10:51,235 - Oh, you don't know? - Talk to the card. 328 00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:52,903 - What is this? 329 00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:56,115 He's giving special treatment to some kids and not others? 330 00:10:56,198 --> 00:10:58,117 - Hey, I mean, this is the way the world works, I was told. 331 00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,993 - This is what Martin Luther King marched about. 332 00:11:00,077 --> 00:11:01,954 - Speaking of marches, Coach, get the marching band together. 333 00:11:02,037 --> 00:11:03,789 We're about to play full court one-on-one. 334 00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:05,374 - Full court? - Let me get your whistle. 335 00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:07,251 - Oh, no, no, no, no. You don't touch my whistle. 336 00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:09,002 - Coach, I hate to pull rank. - Tom, my whistle will not go 337 00:11:09,086 --> 00:11:10,504 in another man's mouth. - Give me that whistle. 338 00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:12,089 - No. You're not-- What? No. No. 339 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:13,465 - Hey, this is the game of the century, Coach. 340 00:11:13,549 --> 00:11:14,633 You don't want to miss this. 341 00:11:14,716 --> 00:11:16,593 [lanyard rips, whistle blows] 342 00:11:16,677 --> 00:11:19,304 - No, I can't just leave school to rent mopeds 343 00:11:19,388 --> 00:11:21,181 and just cruise around all day. 344 00:11:21,265 --> 00:11:22,516 - Lady, you cannot go in there. 345 00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:23,934 - Hold on. I'll call you right back. 346 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,853 - No! I said you can't! - Yes, I am. 347 00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,980 - Don't make me forcibly restrain you. 348 00:11:28,063 --> 00:11:31,984 - Don't touch me like that! Gah! Oh, she's biting me! 349 00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:34,736 Oh, look who it is. Principal Dickwad. 350 00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:36,905 What is this email that you sent? 351 00:11:36,989 --> 00:11:38,615 - I sent an email? - Don't play dumb, 352 00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:40,576 'cause guess what? I was smart and I printed it. 353 00:11:40,659 --> 00:11:42,661 I meet with you to discuss a bake sale, 354 00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:44,913 and then you write back saying you can't bang me 355 00:11:44,997 --> 00:11:46,832 since you're already banging Tom's mom? 356 00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:48,167 What is that? 357 00:11:48,250 --> 00:11:49,877 - I didn't write anything. What are you-- 358 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,753 - Dating a student's parent is strictly off limits. 359 00:11:51,837 --> 00:11:52,838 It's taboo! 360 00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:54,339 - No, I-- - I swear to God, 361 00:11:54,423 --> 00:11:57,176 you better fix this and you better fix it now. 362 00:11:57,259 --> 00:11:59,011 - You know what? I'm calling it off, 363 00:11:59,094 --> 00:12:01,180 because she's a handful anyway. Thank you for swinging by, 364 00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:03,098 because you're doing me a favor. 365 00:12:03,182 --> 00:12:05,559 - Hey, look who it is. - I have to break it off. 366 00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:08,187 - Oh, yes, I agree. This is great. 367 00:12:08,270 --> 00:12:09,855 - You're not upset at all? 368 00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:11,857 - I found out what grade school principals make. 369 00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:14,026 Heh, you make less than an average plumber. 370 00:12:14,109 --> 00:12:15,527 - Okay, I'm not dirt poor, but-- 371 00:12:15,611 --> 00:12:17,738 - I mean, you're pretty poor. See ya! 372 00:12:17,821 --> 00:12:19,156 - Okay. 373 00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:22,534 - All right, me and Nelson are gonna play 374 00:12:22,618 --> 00:12:24,620 a little one-on-one while you guys watch. 375 00:12:24,703 --> 00:12:26,288 - Hector gonna do the play-by-play. 376 00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:27,706 - That's just the way it's gonna be. 377 00:12:27,789 --> 00:12:29,124 - Ah! Percussion! Start right now. 378 00:12:29,208 --> 00:12:30,876 Can I get a low tat-tat-tat-tat? 379 00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:31,919 ♪ ♪ 380 00:12:32,002 --> 00:12:33,253 - We've really come a long way 381 00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:34,880 from the pencil request, I've got to say. 382 00:12:34,963 --> 00:12:37,174 - We're two kings right now about to make history. 383 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,051 - Here we go! [whistle blows] 384 00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:41,386 - What a match up. 385 00:12:41,470 --> 00:12:45,015 Two legends in basketball going head to head, 386 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:49,937 where us losers get to watch the best game of their lives? 387 00:12:50,020 --> 00:12:50,938 What? 388 00:12:51,021 --> 00:12:52,648 - Attention, everybody. 389 00:12:52,731 --> 00:12:54,316 I have a quick announcement. 390 00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:58,111 Some fake VIP passes have been floating around, 391 00:12:58,195 --> 00:13:00,155 so if any idiots come up to you 392 00:13:00,239 --> 00:13:02,491 and say they should get special treatment, 393 00:13:02,574 --> 00:13:06,119 please tell them to shut up. Have a nice day. 394 00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:08,956 - All right, let's play! 395 00:13:09,039 --> 00:13:10,916 [students chattering] 396 00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:12,751 - Well, fun while it lasted, I guess. 397 00:13:12,834 --> 00:13:14,419 - Wait, wait, wait, wait. What happens now? 398 00:13:14,503 --> 00:13:17,172 - Just be regular ten-year-old kids, I guess. 399 00:13:17,256 --> 00:13:20,259 - Aw, man. We're falling on hard times. 400 00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:22,302 - ♪ Let's get it on now ♪ 401 00:13:22,386 --> 00:13:24,805 ♪ I like it when you move it ♪ 402 00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:29,059 [flute playing softly] 403 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:31,353 - As we say goodbye to sweet George, 404 00:13:31,436 --> 00:13:34,815 let's remember the better days when he would sit in his bowl, 405 00:13:34,898 --> 00:13:37,651 and kinda blink. Guy loved to blink, didn't he? 406 00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:40,070 - He loved to blink. Yes, he did. 407 00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,863 - Nelson, why don't you do the honors 408 00:13:41,947 --> 00:13:45,701 and shove all of his personal belongings down the toilet? 409 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,787 - It's not going down. - Use your foot. 410 00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:50,247 - I'm not putting my foot in your toilet, Tom. 411 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,623 - Nelson, put your foot in the toilet. 412 00:13:51,707 --> 00:13:53,166 It's a funeral. Show some respect. 413 00:13:53,250 --> 00:13:54,793 - My mom would kill me if I ruin these socks. 414 00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:56,169 - All right, fine. I'll do it. 415 00:13:56,253 --> 00:13:57,754 - Don't splash, man! You're splashing me! 416 00:13:57,838 --> 00:13:59,464 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on here? 417 00:13:59,548 --> 00:14:00,966 - Mom, we're giving George a funeral. 418 00:14:01,049 --> 00:14:02,426 - George died? 419 00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:04,511 We got him three days ago, Tom. He cost 12 bucks. 420 00:14:04,595 --> 00:14:06,096 - Excuse me. Sorry. 421 00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:07,806 Should I keep playing the flute through this part? 422 00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,725 - Keep playing. It's beaut-- it's really beautiful. 423 00:14:09,808 --> 00:14:12,144 - Dakota, take it away from your mouth. 424 00:14:12,227 --> 00:14:14,730 - Dakota, please. - Dakota, no more. 425 00:14:14,813 --> 00:14:16,523 - Oh, my God. This is the worst funeral ever. 426 00:14:16,607 --> 00:14:18,609 - The funeral's off 'cause we're going to the pet store 427 00:14:18,692 --> 00:14:20,068 and we're gonna get our money back. 428 00:14:20,152 --> 00:14:21,236 - Nelson, get her out. 429 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:22,654 - Nelson, don't. - Ow! 430 00:14:22,738 --> 00:14:24,197 - Oh, my God. Stop. Don't. Give me the fish. 431 00:14:24,281 --> 00:14:26,825 - Give it. - What is happening here? 432 00:14:27,576 --> 00:14:29,161 - Other than putting your foot in the toilet, 433 00:14:29,244 --> 00:14:31,371 this was a very tasteful ceremony. 434 00:14:31,455 --> 00:14:32,497 [door closes] 435 00:14:32,581 --> 00:14:33,665 [cat yowls] 436 00:14:33,749 --> 00:14:35,542 [upbeat '80s music plays] 437 00:14:35,626 --> 00:14:38,503 - Hi, we came here and we were sold a faulty fish. 438 00:14:38,587 --> 00:14:40,464 And, uh, the fish passed. 439 00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:43,008 So if you just want to credit that back to the credit card 440 00:14:43,091 --> 00:14:44,343 or give us some cash. 441 00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:45,719 - Sorry, can't do it. - What's this? 442 00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:47,262 - Can I interest you in a new fish? 443 00:14:47,346 --> 00:14:49,306 - New fish? No. - We need a full refund. 444 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,682 - Yeah, here's the thing. 445 00:14:50,766 --> 00:14:53,185 The fish was healthy three days ago. 446 00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:55,812 He was swimming. He was happy. Now he's been whacked. 447 00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:57,314 - Whacked? - Hang on! 448 00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,399 Are you trying to say my son murdered George? 449 00:14:59,483 --> 00:15:02,819 - As corporate policy, we don't say "murder" but yes, 450 00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:04,363 I believe your son murdered the fish. 451 00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:06,531 - I found the body. No one's denying that. 452 00:15:06,615 --> 00:15:08,367 - How dare you say my son, Tom-- 453 00:15:08,450 --> 00:15:09,785 - Your son is standing there, ma'am, 454 00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:11,411 with a blank expression on his face. 455 00:15:11,495 --> 00:15:13,205 That's what murderers do. 456 00:15:13,288 --> 00:15:15,540 - His face is always blank. He's a thinker. 457 00:15:15,624 --> 00:15:17,250 - Is--is there a problem over here? 458 00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:20,295 - This "lady"-- - What? Lady in quotes? 459 00:15:20,379 --> 00:15:22,714 - Is trying to return a dead fish? 460 00:15:22,798 --> 00:15:24,091 And she's giving me loads of 461 00:15:24,174 --> 00:15:25,801 'tude because I'm not having it. 462 00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:28,178 - All right, calm down. Thanks, Casey. I've got this. 463 00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:29,554 Sorry you're upset 464 00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:31,515 and I apologize for what just happened. 465 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,892 I'm not gonna try to sell you another fish. 466 00:15:33,975 --> 00:15:35,268 - Okay, thank you. 467 00:15:35,352 --> 00:15:37,562 - But what are your feelings on gerbils? 468 00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:40,273 - No, there's no way I'm spending more money. 469 00:15:40,357 --> 00:15:42,484 - Come on, Mom. He's so cute. - [sighs] 470 00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:45,654 - Yeah, come on, Mom. Come on, Mom. 471 00:15:45,737 --> 00:15:48,115 - Oh. We can't afford it. 472 00:15:48,198 --> 00:15:50,492 - Oh. I guess you don't love me? 473 00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:53,578 - Oh, no, Tom. Do not make sad Tom face. 474 00:15:53,662 --> 00:15:56,164 - You're still a good mom. Some mothers just care 475 00:15:56,248 --> 00:15:58,834 about money more than their child's happiness. 476 00:15:58,917 --> 00:16:01,253 [gerbil squeaking] - Fine! 477 00:16:01,336 --> 00:16:02,963 What's the cheapest gerbil you've got? 478 00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:07,384 - That would be a senior gerbil for $75. 479 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:10,220 - $75? Are you out of your mind? 480 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:13,348 - I'm not. Casey has issues, but I'm doing fine. 481 00:16:13,432 --> 00:16:16,101 - Ugh. You know what? Fine. Wrap him up. 482 00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:17,811 - Um, we don't say 483 00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:20,063 "wrap them up" like it's a burrito. 484 00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:21,440 - Casey, I've got this. 485 00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:25,235 At Pet Depot, we happily wrap up all the animals. 486 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:26,486 [toilet flushes] 487 00:16:26,570 --> 00:16:28,113 - All right, Larry, play time's over. 488 00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:29,865 Take a load off. Take a nap. 489 00:16:29,948 --> 00:16:32,951 Make yourself comfortable. Let's circle back later. 490 00:16:33,034 --> 00:16:34,369 - Hey kid, is your mom around? 491 00:16:34,453 --> 00:16:36,496 That toilet is completely destroyed. 492 00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:38,415 - You know, she doesn't talk to plumbers any more. 493 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,500 She told me to-to tell you to shut up and fix the toilet. 494 00:16:40,584 --> 00:16:41,877 - What's this? - My dad was a plumber. 495 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,420 It's a sore subject. - Yes, yes, yes. 496 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,756 Okay, now I know who we're dealing with here. 497 00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:48,133 - Whoa! Who's this cute little guy? 498 00:16:48,216 --> 00:16:49,760 - My gerbil, Larry. He's 82. 499 00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:51,595 - Hi, Larry. What a cutie you are. 500 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,138 - Isn't he cute? - Yeah, very cute! 501 00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:55,265 Well, this is a little surprise for me in my day. 502 00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:56,808 - I love him. - Hi, Larry! 503 00:16:56,892 --> 00:16:58,852 Too bad you have to live your life in captivity. 504 00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:00,812 You're like a little prisoner, aren't ya, Larry? 505 00:17:00,896 --> 00:17:02,147 - Prisoner? What's this? 506 00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:03,774 - What'd ya do? What crime did you do? 507 00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:05,150 - No. He's my pet gerbil. 508 00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:07,319 - I'm just saying his cage is like a prison. 509 00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:09,613 - Nah, nah, nah. They call this the "Deluxe Cabana." 510 00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:11,281 It's like he's on vacation. 511 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:13,492 - When you go on vacation, where do you--where do you go? 512 00:17:13,575 --> 00:17:14,951 A little room? 513 00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:16,828 - We don't--I don't go in a little room, no. 514 00:17:16,912 --> 00:17:18,288 - Got'cha, got'cha, got'cha. 515 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,665 You know, I'm just a simple plumber, "shut up 516 00:17:20,749 --> 00:17:22,793 and get in the bathroom," but if you ask me, 517 00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:25,253 we don't have the right to treat animals as property. 518 00:17:25,337 --> 00:17:27,172 - Well, you know, he was on sale, so-- 519 00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:28,840 - You think selling a living creature, 520 00:17:28,924 --> 00:17:30,467 does that sound morally fine to you? 521 00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,344 I don't know what your morals are in this house. 522 00:17:32,427 --> 00:17:33,845 - Selling creatures? 523 00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:35,847 Yeah, you can buy gerbils. People do that, right? 524 00:17:35,931 --> 00:17:39,601 - Hmm. How would you like to live in a little teeny cage? 525 00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,605 - To be honest, I think I would thrive in that environment. 526 00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:45,190 - H-how about we take him for a little spin then? 527 00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:47,025 - What do you mean? - How about you 528 00:17:47,109 --> 00:17:48,652 pretend you're Larry for one minute? 529 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,237 - No. Aren't you here to fix the toilet? 530 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:51,696 What's happening? Oh, no. I don't want to get-- 531 00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:53,073 No, I'm not getting in there. No, no. 532 00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:54,783 Please. - Come on. Hop in here. 533 00:17:54,866 --> 00:17:56,284 - No, get back in the bathroom. This is too much now. 534 00:17:56,368 --> 00:17:57,744 - Come on. It'll be fun. 535 00:17:57,828 --> 00:17:59,538 Pretend you're Larry. - This is getting weird. 536 00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:01,206 - [low voice] Come on, just get in there. It'll be fun. 537 00:18:01,289 --> 00:18:02,749 - That's not a reassuring voice. 538 00:18:02,833 --> 00:18:03,750 Oh! Hey, hey, hey, hey! 539 00:18:03,834 --> 00:18:05,043 - Ah, there we go. 540 00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:06,545 - Did you lock the door? What's happening? 541 00:18:06,628 --> 00:18:08,713 - If I could change one young person's mind, 542 00:18:08,797 --> 00:18:10,632 I've done my good deed for the day. 543 00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:13,718 And I always do my good deed for the day. 544 00:18:13,802 --> 00:18:16,263 - I think you oversold how much fun this was gonna be. 545 00:18:16,346 --> 00:18:18,557 You're not leaving, are you? What's happening out there? 546 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,600 [knocking on door] Larry, what's he doing? 547 00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:31,736 - Hi, uh, I need to reschedule my neck rub. 548 00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:34,781 My son's been missing for an insane amount of hours. 549 00:18:34,865 --> 00:18:38,535 And it just feels weird to get a massage right now. 550 00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:41,496 - Mom! Let me out! - Tom? Are you in there? 551 00:18:41,580 --> 00:18:43,707 - Mom, where you been? Oh, my God. 552 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:46,084 - Oh, there you are. - How long was I in there? 553 00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:47,586 - I haven't seen you for six hours. 554 00:18:47,669 --> 00:18:49,170 I thought you were kidnapped. - Oh. 555 00:18:49,254 --> 00:18:50,714 You didn't call the police, or anything or? 556 00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,382 - They do recommend you wait 24 hours. 557 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:53,758 It's what they say on all the shows. 558 00:18:53,842 --> 00:18:55,218 - I don't know if that's the case, but-- 559 00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:57,012 - I was worried though. - Anyway, listen. 560 00:18:57,095 --> 00:18:59,514 I did some soul searching. I think we got to let Larry go. 561 00:18:59,598 --> 00:19:01,766 - Let him go? Are you on cocaine, Tom? 562 00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:03,643 - Cocaine? No. What do you do? How do you-- 563 00:19:03,727 --> 00:19:05,729 - We paid a lot of money for him. 564 00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:07,397 Plus, he's a member of the family. 565 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,774 With your dad gone, Larry's the man of the house. 566 00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:11,985 - Wait. Larry's the man of the house? Not me? 567 00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:14,196 - No. Larry's a lot older than you. 568 00:19:14,279 --> 00:19:16,364 - All right, fine. Larry stays. - "All right, fine's" 569 00:19:16,448 --> 00:19:17,782 not gonna cut it. Raise your right hand. 570 00:19:17,866 --> 00:19:19,618 We're gonna do a promise pledge. 571 00:19:19,701 --> 00:19:21,953 - What do I say? - I swear to my mom-- 572 00:19:22,037 --> 00:19:23,246 - I swear to my mom-- 573 00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:25,749 - That I will not set Larry free. 574 00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,417 - I will not set Larry free. 575 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:30,128 - I will keep him in this house as the man of the house. 576 00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:33,882 And if I do not, then my mother will die. 577 00:19:33,965 --> 00:19:36,092 I pledge on Larry's life. Amen. 578 00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:38,219 - I'm not gonna say that, but you have my word. 579 00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:39,638 [thunder rumbles] 580 00:19:39,721 --> 00:19:41,640 - [muttering] Larry. Oh, no. Oh. 581 00:19:41,723 --> 00:19:45,310 Slave. Sorry. Prison. Cage. Prisoner. 582 00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:49,105 - Who gave you the moral authority to enslave me? 583 00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:51,191 [squeaking] 584 00:19:51,274 --> 00:19:54,819 You get me out of this God forsaken cage now! 585 00:19:54,903 --> 00:19:56,237 - Larry! Larry! Ahhh! 586 00:19:56,321 --> 00:19:57,656 All right, so much for the pledge. 587 00:19:57,739 --> 00:19:59,532 That's just not gonna happen. 588 00:20:01,743 --> 00:20:03,036 - Tom, what's going on, man? 589 00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:04,579 I know you guys got money problems 590 00:20:04,663 --> 00:20:06,706 but there's literally a rat in your jacket. 591 00:20:06,790 --> 00:20:08,333 - That's not a rat. It's my gerbil, Larry. 592 00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:09,668 I'm gonna set him free 593 00:20:09,751 --> 00:20:11,252 at the school today. - Set him free? 594 00:20:11,336 --> 00:20:12,796 - I just want to let him know the taste of freedom. 595 00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:14,214 I'm gonna let him go on the soccer field. 596 00:20:14,297 --> 00:20:15,590 Turn him loose. - The soccer field? 597 00:20:15,674 --> 00:20:17,092 Tom, do you see cleats on this guy? 598 00:20:17,175 --> 00:20:18,426 - Cleats? On Larry? No. 599 00:20:18,510 --> 00:20:20,512 - Do you see colorful Umbro shorts? 600 00:20:20,595 --> 00:20:21,888 - I don't. - Exactly. 601 00:20:21,972 --> 00:20:23,765 You need to leave him in the wilderness. 602 00:20:23,848 --> 00:20:24,975 He's a wild animal. 603 00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:26,559 - Nelson's right. - Here we go. 604 00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:28,353 - Gerbils are direct descendants of wolves, Tom. 605 00:20:28,436 --> 00:20:30,313 - They're not little wolves. - Tom, there are two things 606 00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:31,982 I know: buses and rodents. 607 00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:33,817 - Okay. - This guy's an apex predator. 608 00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:37,237 He needs an ecosystem where he can thrive and hunt and kill. 609 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:38,571 - Oh. Okay. 610 00:20:38,655 --> 00:20:40,532 So where's the wilderness in Central Jersey? 611 00:20:40,615 --> 00:20:42,409 - Behind the TJ Maxx is perfect. 612 00:20:42,492 --> 00:20:45,870 [percussive music] 613 00:20:45,954 --> 00:20:47,747 Sorry, kids. Emergency pit stop. 614 00:20:47,831 --> 00:20:49,708 Tom needs to hop out and poop real quick. 615 00:20:49,791 --> 00:20:51,584 - No. Pee. I've gotta pee. Why would you say that? 616 00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:53,253 - You need all the time you can get. 617 00:20:53,336 --> 00:20:55,130 - He's right. I got to take a quick dump. 618 00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:56,673 - Tom, you're gonna make everybody late for school! 619 00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:58,216 - Just give me, like, a half hour. 620 00:20:58,299 --> 00:21:00,302 - Why now? We're, like, two minutes from school! 621 00:21:00,385 --> 00:21:01,553 - Hey, what can I say? 622 00:21:01,636 --> 00:21:03,388 I prefer the woods. I can't hold it. 623 00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:05,473 I need some privacy and some time. 624 00:21:05,557 --> 00:21:06,891 [bell rings] 625 00:21:06,975 --> 00:21:08,560 - [clapping] Okay, little angels. 626 00:21:08,643 --> 00:21:11,479 As you know, this weekend is our big-- 627 00:21:11,563 --> 00:21:12,939 - Hey, Tom? - Hey. 628 00:21:13,023 --> 00:21:14,524 - Are you okay? 'Cause there've been a lot 629 00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:16,943 of high profile pooping incidents recently. 630 00:21:17,027 --> 00:21:18,695 - Oh, I wasn't really-- That was a decoy. 631 00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:20,822 I did a good deed. I set my gerbil free. 632 00:21:20,905 --> 00:21:22,407 - Hm? - To live in the wilderness. 633 00:21:22,490 --> 00:21:24,492 - What? - In the woods behind TJ Maxx. 634 00:21:24,576 --> 00:21:26,411 - Tom, gerbils are domesticated pets. 635 00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:27,746 Without food or water, he'll die! 636 00:21:27,829 --> 00:21:29,247 - What do you mean? He's like a wolf. 637 00:21:29,331 --> 00:21:30,331 He's like an apex predator, I was told. 638 00:21:30,415 --> 00:21:31,624 - What's their prey? 639 00:21:31,708 --> 00:21:33,084 Little pellets that come in a bag? 640 00:21:33,168 --> 00:21:34,878 - Excuse me, you two. Is there something 641 00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:37,255 more important going on than syncopation? 642 00:21:37,338 --> 00:21:39,257 - Tom's gerbil's in the woods behind TJ Maxx 643 00:21:39,341 --> 00:21:41,593 and if we don't find him now, he's gonna die! 644 00:21:41,676 --> 00:21:43,762 - Your gerbil is on the loose? - I'm on it. 645 00:21:43,845 --> 00:21:45,472 I'll blast out a community alert. 646 00:21:45,555 --> 00:21:47,307 Tom, what's the reward? - Oh, just put down a dollar. 647 00:21:47,390 --> 00:21:49,726 My mom has money problems. - No, no. That's not enough. 648 00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:51,686 Um, I'm gonna put in 10,000! 649 00:21:51,770 --> 00:21:53,605 - 10,000? No, no, no! - Done. Let's go. 650 00:21:53,688 --> 00:21:55,148 - Done? - A 10 G gerbil! 651 00:21:55,231 --> 00:21:56,858 - No, we--we never established the 10 G's. 652 00:21:56,941 --> 00:21:59,527 - Are you kidding me? Let's go find that gerbil! 653 00:22:00,195 --> 00:22:04,991 - Loser, swipe. Fake hair, swipe. 654 00:22:05,075 --> 00:22:08,161 Fingered me in a parking lot, swipe. 655 00:22:08,244 --> 00:22:11,623 "$10,000 reward for missing elderly gerbil 656 00:22:11,706 --> 00:22:16,544 in woods behind TJ Maxx." Son of a bitch. 657 00:22:16,628 --> 00:22:19,297 [tires squeal] 658 00:22:19,380 --> 00:22:21,382 [dramatic music] 659 00:22:21,466 --> 00:22:24,135 [children shouting anxiously] 660 00:22:25,762 --> 00:22:27,430 [squeaking] 661 00:22:28,056 --> 00:22:30,016 - Okay, everyone. Welcome to the manhunt. 662 00:22:30,100 --> 00:22:31,893 I really appreciate you coming out. 663 00:22:31,976 --> 00:22:34,270 As a very wise plumber once told me, 664 00:22:34,354 --> 00:22:35,647 "Every life is precious." 665 00:22:35,730 --> 00:22:37,941 [tires screech, pop music playing] 666 00:22:38,024 --> 00:22:40,193 - Hi, everyone. Attention! Hi. Hello. 667 00:22:40,276 --> 00:22:42,695 I'm Tom's mom. I'm in control here. 668 00:22:42,779 --> 00:22:45,031 And to clarify, there's no reward. 669 00:22:45,115 --> 00:22:46,324 That was a joke. 670 00:22:46,408 --> 00:22:48,409 - A joke? What happened to the ten grand? 671 00:22:48,493 --> 00:22:49,828 - I'm gonna get fired 672 00:22:49,911 --> 00:22:51,830 'cause I helped you search for this gerbil! 673 00:22:51,913 --> 00:22:53,665 - I'm gonna leave. - Okay, fine. 674 00:22:53,748 --> 00:22:56,334 For argument's sake, let's say there's a reward. 675 00:22:56,418 --> 00:22:59,254 You'll get $10,000. Of my own money. 676 00:22:59,337 --> 00:23:00,922 Now, I'm gonna have Tom, 677 00:23:01,005 --> 00:23:03,091 my son here, explain who we're looking for. 678 00:23:03,174 --> 00:23:06,386 - Thanks, Ma. Well, he's of average weight. 679 00:23:06,469 --> 00:23:08,930 And average height. Average gerbil height. 680 00:23:09,013 --> 00:23:12,350 Standard gerbil color. In the beige family. 681 00:23:12,433 --> 00:23:15,019 - Yeah, that doesn't help. - All right, he's elderly. 682 00:23:15,103 --> 00:23:17,438 So when you search, it's important that you yell, 683 00:23:17,522 --> 00:23:19,399 "Here, sweet baby Larry!" 684 00:23:19,482 --> 00:23:22,443 - So we're just looking for a nondescript animal 685 00:23:22,527 --> 00:23:25,613 in a large wooded area while we're screaming, 686 00:23:25,697 --> 00:23:28,199 "Here, sweet baby Larry." - Oh, last thing. 687 00:23:28,283 --> 00:23:30,285 You need to cut up some sliced pears and say, 688 00:23:30,368 --> 00:23:31,661 "Who's ready for din din?" 689 00:23:31,744 --> 00:23:33,496 I know it's a lot. I know it's a lot. 690 00:23:33,580 --> 00:23:34,873 - Now, please, 691 00:23:34,956 --> 00:23:38,126 can we get serious and go find that gerbil? 692 00:23:38,209 --> 00:23:39,836 [indistinct chatter] 693 00:23:39,919 --> 00:23:42,338 - Tom, we need to find Larry ourselves 694 00:23:42,422 --> 00:23:44,174 or it's coming out of your college fund. 695 00:23:44,257 --> 00:23:46,217 - Ugh. You're not great at pep talks. 696 00:23:46,301 --> 00:23:47,969 ♪ ♪ 697 00:23:48,052 --> 00:23:49,220 - Sweet baby Larry! 698 00:23:49,304 --> 00:23:51,306 - Larry! Larry, Larry, Larry! 699 00:23:51,389 --> 00:23:53,850 - Here, sweet Larry. - Who's ready for din din? 700 00:23:53,933 --> 00:23:56,144 [overlapping "Larry"] 701 00:23:56,227 --> 00:23:57,604 - Tom, it's been two hours 702 00:23:57,687 --> 00:23:59,397 and we've gone through five pounds of pears. 703 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:01,316 - We can't give up. We can't give up. 704 00:24:01,399 --> 00:24:02,609 - Oh, my gosh! Guys! 705 00:24:02,692 --> 00:24:04,652 I think I found sweet baby Larry. 706 00:24:04,736 --> 00:24:06,070 [squeaking] 707 00:24:06,154 --> 00:24:08,323 - That's amazing! Hold on to him! I'm on my way! 708 00:24:08,406 --> 00:24:12,911 - I'm gonna get $10,000 rewa-- Ow! 709 00:24:12,994 --> 00:24:16,581 - I got him, people! The gerbil is safe. 710 00:24:16,664 --> 00:24:19,250 And I just saved 10 G's! 711 00:24:19,334 --> 00:24:20,585 - Ah! Great job, Mom! 712 00:24:20,668 --> 00:24:22,212 Ah, it's so good to have Larry back. 713 00:24:22,295 --> 00:24:24,088 - This is amazing. What a happy ending! 714 00:24:24,172 --> 00:24:26,466 - Everyone, over here! He's alive. 715 00:24:26,549 --> 00:24:29,010 Larry, say thank you to the crowd. 716 00:24:29,093 --> 00:24:30,220 [cheers and applause] 717 00:24:30,303 --> 00:24:31,930 - Ahhh! 718 00:24:32,013 --> 00:24:34,057 Oh, son of a bitch hawk! [hawk caws] 719 00:24:34,140 --> 00:24:36,309 - Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a pet owner. 720 00:24:36,392 --> 00:24:40,104 - I tried to warn you. Do not talk to plumbers. 721 00:24:40,188 --> 00:24:41,981 You talk to a plumber, the next thing you know 722 00:24:42,065 --> 00:24:43,858 a hawk's flying off with your gerbil. 723 00:24:43,942 --> 00:24:46,110 - ♪ Remember there's more road ♪ 724 00:24:46,194 --> 00:24:48,154 ♪ And places to go ♪ 725 00:24:48,238 --> 00:24:50,281 ♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪ 726 00:24:50,365 --> 00:24:52,116 ♪ More people to fornicate ♪ 727 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:55,286 ♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪ 728 00:24:55,370 --> 00:24:56,955 ♪ Supplying the proof ♪ 729 00:24:57,038 --> 00:25:00,625 ♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪ 730 00:25:00,708 --> 00:25:04,295 ♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪ 731 00:25:04,379 --> 00:25:08,800 ♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪ 732 00:25:08,883 --> 00:25:12,971 ♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪ 733 00:25:13,054 --> 00:25:14,931 ♪ The sweet silver lining ♪ 734 00:25:15,014 --> 00:25:17,141 ♪ Through you she lives on ♪ 735 00:25:17,225 --> 00:25:21,062 ♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪ 736 00:25:21,145 --> 00:25:24,899 ♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪