- ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪
♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪
♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪
♪ I present no explanations ♪
♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪
♪ To satiate for long ♪
♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪
- $6 for a shirt?
- Isn't that what shirts cost?
- $9 dollars for pants?
- How much cheaper could pants possibly be?
- Excuse me, ma'am, if you're interested,
we have this rack over here
for a dollar a shirt,
- The Reject Rack?
- No, we're not Reject Rack people.
- We actually are Reject Rack people.
- No, we're pretty classy.
- I would like to check these out.
- Who would wear these?
- Tom, look at this one.
"My other T-shirt is a jean jacket."
- I can't wear that to school.
I'll be laughed out of the place.
- Tom, Count Chocula on a skateboard.
- Mom, Mom, these T-shirts are terrible.
- Oh, buddy. "Here's the beef."
And it's got an arrow pointing down to your crotch.
- These clothes have been rejected by society.
- Tom, they're a dollar.
Now go pick your favorite ten,
and your wardrobe's all set for the next year.
- They're all equally bad.
- Pick your favorite ten of the equally bad ones.
I hope you can find some winners.
[bell rings]
- Hey, Nelson, can I ask you a question?
What's your honest take on this shirt?
- Oh, Tom, it's a look.
It's definitely a look. - Yeah?
- But this one might be a little bit too much.
- I should've worn the Mitt Romney one.
Dakota, what do you think?
- Oh, wow.
I can't tell if I'm offended or I'm really impressed.
- Offended? The guy at the thrift shop
clearly said, "No nips, no problem."
- I think as we get older,
one thing you're gonna look back on is
which adults you listened to.
- Okay, gang. Today we are playing kickball.
So I need you to split up into two teams--
wait, hold on a second.
Uh-uh. No, no, no.
Not in my class. - Oh, the T-shirt?
Is it--you don't like the-- the partial nudity?
- Think I care about nudity, boy?
- No. - I will not have
a student of mine wearing a Red Sox garment.
- Oh, the Red Sox.
- In this class, we are Yankee fans.
- Oh, no, I'm not a fan of anything.
It's just a random thrift shop purchase.
- Tom, the playoffs are coming up
and I can't afford you to jinx it.
The shirt's gotta go.
- What do you--you want me to remove my--my shirt?
- Take it off. - No, I can't take it off.
I mean-- - Oh, you're taking it off.
Tell you what, you don't take it off--
- Please. Please. - I'ma take it off for you.
That's right. Come here. - Stop, stop.
- This is a new low, even for our school.
- Go ahead. Film it. Everybody film it.
I want the world to know that Boston sucks.
Now give me this shirt. Yes!
- You're out of control, Coach. - I'm not.
This is what I think of your Red Sox around here.
- Oh, my god.
- Now watch it burn, kids.
Watch it burn.
[exciting music]
- I'm on the field where earlier today,
an enraged sports fan burned the shirt of a student.
Here's a clip of the horror as it unfolded.
- Tom, you sit in the corner and you watch this shirt burn.
Damn it.
- Can you even imagine
what was going on in this maniac's mind?
I know I can't.
This shirtless child should act as a reminder to us all
that hey, it's just a game.
- Okay, I know how this looks, everybody,
but that clip was taken out of context.
- Was it? - Yes.
They didn't show any of the kickball stuff.
- This is bad, okay?
We can't be teaching kids how to hate.
- I don't get where it comes from myself.
My Uncle Bill is from Boston, and he's a really sweet guy.
- Uncle Bill sound like a damn fool.
- Why? Based on what? - He just sounds like a idiot.
- Okay. This is what I'm talking about.
Let's make this a teachable moment.
- Teachable moment? How? - How?
- Yeah, how? - I'll tell you how.
We do a field trip to a Red Sox game,
and we show these kids that no matter where you go,
people are basically the same.
- We gotta go on field trips?
Or how about we just say sorry?
What happened to that? Look, look, watch me.
Sorry, Tom. Whoops!
- That felt insincere at best.
- Sounds lazy.
- I was sincere as a mother--
- Oh, oh, oh, hey, oh, hey, oh!
Listen, it's decided.
The kids are going to a Red Sox game,
and Coach, you're gonna be their chaperone.
- What? - Oh, that's fun.
That'll be great. - Ugh. Okay, fine. I'll go.
But I'm just letting y'all know,
I refuse to enjoy myself.
- That's fair. That's a good compromise.
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
- What a day at Fenway as we commemorate the date
Babe Ruth first signed with the team.
- Oh, this is fun. We're in Boston. Here we go.
- Yeah, I'm excited. Come on.
- Look at you guys.
What a symbol of unity and harmony.
Have fun today.
- Thanks, Bus Driver.
- All right, let's go.
- You know what? I can't do it.
- Can't do what? - Now that we're here,
I just can't let my shoes touch Red Sox asphalt.
- Come on, Coach.
We drove three and a half hours.
- We're here to take a picture of me and you
hugging at Fenway, so... - Hugging?
Listen, I ain't hugging shit.
- What? - Go without me.
- Yeah, but we've gotta see the trip through.
You can't say "I'm not hugging shit."
- Uh, the bus driver will take you.
Y'all--y'all go with the bus driver.
- Does he even count as a grownup?
- He's more of, like, a man child, right?
- How about this? Nelson, turn on the video call,
and you just check in with me, and I'll see it from here.
- Man, come on, Coach. - Please stop talking about it.
Get off this bus and go in there and do
whatever the teachable nonsense y'all supposed to be doing.
- I don't think you understood the premise of the trip.
I really don't. - Whee!
Coach, we are good! - Hey, Coach.
- Look at this. Wow.
- All right. Look at you guys.
I knew y'all could do it. I knew it.
- Very safe. Very safe. - That fresh Boston air.
Who knew? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Uh-oh. Oh man, look. - Look at what?
- What kind of asshole lunatic
shows up to a Sox game in a Yankee cap?
- Oh, no. - This is not good.
- Wait, what's not good?
- Yes, yes, I'm wearing a Yankees cap.
How about no swearing in front of the kids?
Maybe switching it up and saying "tush" or "heinie."
- Okay, fine.
Do you want us to shove that cap up your "tush"?
Or up your "heinie"?
Or straight up your asshole? - Oh!
- Yeah, you can't say the last part.
I mean, that defeats the whole purpose.
Hey, what-- - Oh, no.
- Oh, no? [all speaking at once]
- Don't take his pants off. - What--whose pants?
What is happening out there?
- Coach, you gotta get out here now.
- For what? - Kids, run!
- Run for your lives. - Go, go, go!
- Where is the bus driver?
- Can somebody open the dumpster?
- In retrospect, I agree
I was a poor choice of a chaperone!
- I am freaking out. We do not have a chaperone.
- All right, don't panic. Everyone's panicking.
- We need to pick a de facto leader.
- How about me? - You?
- What? No, Tom. - No. No.
- No, no, hear me out.
I know the ball boy here.
- What? - Wh--so?
- My Uncle Bill is a senior ball boy.
- Isn't that, like, a volunteer position?
- The important thing is, I've got a contact,
so let me call the guy.
- All right. - All right, here you go.
[phone beeps] [line rings]
- Tommy. - Hey, Uncle Bill.
It's Tom from New Jersey.
- Why does he have to say where he's from?
- Listen, I can't talk now.
I'm taking a dump. - What?
- I can't get off the can, Tommy!
- Uncle Bill, please don't hang up.
No, no, no. - [laughs]
- Who answers a FaceTime call while you're shitting?
- Yeah. - You know what?
I just thought of something. - Yeah?
- My dad knows the owner of the team.
- What?
- You should have mentioned that sooner.
- Yeah!
- Your dad knows the owner of the Red Sox.
- That's correct. - Yeah.
As soon as I said "ball boy,"
you should have offered all this up.
- Name? - Nelson.
My dad is friends with the owner.
Defended him once in court.
- I got a Nelson out here.
Yeah, he says his dad defended you once in court.
Yeah, I got it.
Yeah, no can do. He says your dad's an asshole.
- Oh, my dad put a much better spin on the whole friendship.
- Sir, I can't imagine this is gonna have much sway,
but my Uncle Bill is actually a ball boy here at the stadium.
- Wait a second. Your uncle is Enormous Bill?
- Yeah, I mean, he is enormous. - I had no idea
that Enormous Bill even had a family.
- Oh, yeah. - He's a legend here.
You know what? - That's great.
- Come on in here. - Wow.
I didn't expect that to work.
- Hey, guys, this is Enormous Bill's nephew.
- No way. You talking about Loner Bill?
- No, he's got a family.
- This is incredible.
- You must be Tom. - I am.
- Your Uncle Bill is a real character.
- I can't believe you know my Uncle Bill.
- Yeah, messes up the bathrooms,
but he is beloved around here.
Everybody loves him. - Yeah, my uncle's a fun guy.
Oh, and this is my good buddy Nelson.
I think you know his dad.
- This is the kid with the asshole father?
- What? - Get him outta here.
Can someone have this kid removed?
- Wait, gets your hands off of me!
Back in Jersey, people find me adorable!
- So, Tom, wearing a Yankee cap?
That's a bold choice, son.
- Oh, no, no. We're on a field trip.
My teacher had burned my Red Sox jersey,
so this is a field trip to learn about tolerance.
- Wait a minute. You're the boy from the video.
- That's me. - The shirtless idiot.
- No, no one calls me that, but, I mean...
- You are a legend, sir. - That's good.
- That story shone such a bright
and necessary light on a very real problem.
- It's true. People can be maniacs.
- I'd like to shake your hand, Tom.
- Actually, this is why I came here.
Dakota, get a picture of this. This is good.
- Great. - Just shaking hands.
- It's great. I got it. - This is great.
You know what? - Yeah?
- I'm gonna do you one better. - Okay.
- Linda, tell Casey Affleck he's bumped.
Tom here, the shirtless idiot,
he's throwing out the first pitch.
- I'm on it, but I'm not telling the guy.
You tell him. - Me? Oh, no, no.
I'm not good on the phone. - Hey, this is Casey.
- Hey, Casey Affleck. It's Tom.
Sounds like you're out and I'm in, so...
- And who the fuck are you, Tom?
- Just Tom from Jersey. Bassoon player--
- What are you talking about? - Pooped my pants once.
- This is bush-league! - You know what?
I don't have time to talk. I gotta go.
- Great. It's done.
- I don't think the fans wanna see me.
I don't have any fans.
- All right, Boston fans, in ten minutes,
we've got the shirtless idiot throwing the first pitch.
[cheers and applause]
- Okay, Tom, you're here.
This is gonna be so much fun, right?
- Yes. All right. - Okay.
- This will be fun. - Listen to me here.
We got ten minutes.
When the light flashes, we're live.
- Okay. - Wave to the crowd.
Say something cute. - What?
- Then fire a fastball. - Fastball?
- And make sure you land it.
You cannot pull a 50 Cent or a Mariah Carey.
- You know, I don't do well in high-pressure situations.
- Oh, God.
- Can I run to the bathroom real quick?
- Okay. But hurry. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Everybody, move off to the sides.
We got the honorary first pitcher,
and he's gotta take a pee.
- Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. What the hell?
- A Yankee cap in Fenway? - Oh, oh, that.
We're on a peace summit of sorts.
- You better start to pee-pee right now.
- Come on, guys, please. This is a lot of pressure.
both: One, two, three.
- Guys, please, I can't pee-- - Four, five.
- With the countdown. - Seven.
- Can you please? - C'mon!
- I can't imagine any urine's about to come out of me.
- All right, come here. Help me grab this kid.
- No, no, no. - Come here!
- You had your chance. - This is socially--
- Now get outta here!
- Tommy. Holy shit. Is that you?
- Oh, Uncle Bill. Hey.
- Oh, my God. Come here. This kid's my nephew.
Give me a hug, you big goofy-looking son of a bitch.
Come here. - Hey. Oh, whoa, whoa.
- [growling] - Not in the bathroom.
Uncle Bill, it's too much.
Listen, it's a long story,
but I'm actually throwing out the first pitch of the game.
- Wow. - And I needed to pee first.
It's an emergency. I gotta find a bathroom.
- Okay. Okay. Listen, listen.
As the senior most ball boy here, I got full access.
- That's amazing. - Yeah, come on.
Come on, I'll show you. - Oh, my god.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sorry. He's under my watch.
- Well, listen, I hate to pull rank here,
but ball boy outranks security guard.
- Ah, I don't know, Bill.
- Does ball boy outrank anything?
- There's no time to argue. We gotta pee. Come on!
♪ We're gonna make a pee-pee ♪
♪ We're gonna make a pee-pee-pee-pee ♪
♪ We're gonna make a pee-pee ♪
All right, Tommy. See that grass out there?
- Yeah?
- That grass is all yours.
[heavenly music]
- Oh, thank you so much. This is perfect.
- Anywhere you want. [zipper unzips]
- Oh, this is a pleasure. Oh, thank you, Uncle Bill.
- You're welcome, man. - Bro, what the eff, man?
- Oh, oh, I'm good. I'm with Uncle Bill.
- No, you're not good. What are you doing?
- I'm with Uncle Bill, I said.
- You're pissing on Babe Ruth's original mitt from 1914.
- Oh, no. - Look at this kid.
He's pissing on Ruth's mitt.
[crowd booing] - What the hell?
- Oh, that's disgusting. - You suck!
- No. Honest mistake. I meant no disrespect.
- This is the ultimate disrespect, you little shit.
- Oh, no, if we blame anyone, I mean, let's blame
Casey Affleck, right? Right, Uncle Bill?
- Uncle? No. I never met this kid.
I'm the senior Ball Boy. I got stuff to do.
- Uncle Bill. - Get him, guys!
[all shouting]
[exciting music]
- Get in here. Get in here.
I got a text saying that our very own Tom
is going to throw out the first pitch at Fenway!
Are you shitting me?
- Sad day at Fenway
as there will be no ceremonial first pitch thrown.
A child named Tom was scheduled to participate,
but instead, he pulled out his wiener
and urinated on Babe Ruth's mitt,
further enflaming tensions...
- Well, that was disappointing.
That's why I don't like to get excited.
- And there he is, the little maniac
that urinated on Babe Ruth's mitt.
This child right here, in a nutshell,
is what's wrong with sports.
[upbeat rock music]
[bell rings]
- Tom, take this the right way,
but I'ma put some feelers out for a new lab partner.
- Why, you're not happy with the volcano?
- No, it look like a pile of manure!
It don't even erupt. - You know what?
I grabbed some extra stuff from home.
Let's see if this works.
- What you got? What you got?
- We got blackberry brandy, windshield washer fluid,
and mountain breeze air freshener.
- Okay. - That's gotta burn, right?
- We can work with this. - Right?
- Put these on. - Nice.
- I'll stand at a safe distance.
You start dumping things until it explodes.
- Why am I doing all the work on this team?
I built the volcano. - Tom, we've been over this.
I'm the scientist. You're the unskilled laborer.
Now start dumping. - Okay, step back.
Let me show you how science works.
A couple fluid ounces of this.
Brandy.
That's weird. It's not erupting.
- Here, here. Let's do this the Nelson way.
Oh. Whoa. - Oh, no! Oh, no, flames!
Oh, no, what's happening? Oh, no!
Everybody run! Run for your lives!
We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!
- Is nobody gonna put out the stupid volcano thing--
[scoffs] Okay. I guess I'll do it.
[applause]
[horn blares] - Hey, hey, kids.
Your principal called me in to talk about fire safety.
Now, I know I'm not supposed to curse in front of you,
but who knows what a pussy is?
- Um, a person like Tom? - What?
- Exactly. Come here, buddy. This little guy right here.
- Oh, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. - He saw the flames.
- Oh, no-- - And he ran.
- You got it all wrong.
I ran to get the fire extinguisher.
I'm a hero. - You fled the scene.
- I fled out of bravery to save everyone.
I fled to save.
- You think that's what Superman does?
You think Superman flies away for a bit
and then comes back to save?
- I'm sure he does all kind of things.
- Horrible person. Look at him.
Yasmine here, she ran to the flames and saved lives.
Hero. [applause]
- Guys, come on, we--
all right, tell the dog to relax.
She literally poured iced tea on a volcano.
- Excuse me?
- I'm just saying, hero might be a strong word.
I mean, let's-- - Where I come from,
we have respect for first responders.
- I don't know if I'd call her a first responder. She's--
- Now you're being disrespectful.
You gotta leave the truck area.
- She took two steps.
I don't wanna leave the truck area.
[dog growling]
- Say you're sorry,
and then get the fuck outta here.
- How is there no teacher out here to supervise us?
- Tom, before you do these things,
you need to ask yourself, how will this affect Nelson?
- I know. I shouldn't have run.
I shouldn't have run and screeched.
- Come on, you old piece of pain in the tush!
Ah, sorry for the language kids,
but I can't get this thing into gear.
Mother-bleeping C-word! Stupid B-hole bus.
Get that heinie into gear, you piece of caca!
- I don't think these kid-friendly curses
are really landing.
- Ill rip your ding-a-ling off, you GD bus!
[bus grinding]
Okay, kids, stand back.
I'm igniting a common safety flare.
- Whoa. - Whoa, no need to panic, Tom!
- Panic? I-I literally said whoa in a deadpan voice.
- No, Tom panicked.
- I didn't panic. I'm not panicking.
- Don't flee the scene, Tom. [laughter]
- This is the opposite of fleeing.
I'm literally standing here.
- Okay, kids, you stay here by the bus.
Try not to get shot.
Tom, hold this flare. Come over here.
- Okay, more fire. What's up?
- Here's the deal.
I need a new bus. - Okay.
- And you need an opportunity to look like a hero.
- I do need that.
- So tomorrow morning,
we fake an emergency on the school bus.
- Fake emergency? No.
- Picture this: the bus explodes.
You come running in.
- I don't like to run.
- You haul my ass out of the bus.
Everyone will think you're a hero,
and I'll have a new vehicle.
- That sounds abnormally dicey. - Trust me.
I know a guy who could rig it all up.
I mean, we're good.
- Wow, you know a guy who does fake school bus explosions?
That's amazing.
[doorbell rings]
- Oh, what's up, player? I remember you.
- This is the guy? Glenn? - Hell yeah.
- Oh, you know each other? - You don't remember
he sold me drugs and I shoved them up my butt
and there was a whole scandal? - Yes!
- Anyway, so you know what you're doing here?
You can help with the fake fire and smoke?
- Does a cat have six tits? - Six tits?
I have no idea. Not a cat owner.
- Boom. - Oh, wow. Look at that.
- Worked on a Michael Bay picture back in the day.
So I know my way around special effects.
- This is impressive stuff.
You rigged all these explosions?
- Hell yeah, dude.
Renaissance man and shit, you know what I'm saying?
I'm all the ninja turtles wrapped into one.
- He's a wizard, Tom. - You know what's up.
So anyway, here's the plan, dawg.
I'll rig the bus with harmless movie smoke.
- Nice. - And on my cue,
the driver screams, "Run for your lives.
This bitch is gonna blow." That's what's up.
- I question some of the dialogue, but--
- Anyway, so then Tom says, "Not on my watch.
First responder coming through."
- I like that.
- Then Tom drags you out, and I'll be playing
some type of Aerosmith song in the background.
Boom. Credits roll. Any questions, gentlemen?
- Zero questions.
- Let's just hope for the best.
[dramatic music]
- This is Cobra, your eyes on the ground, over.
- This is Stallion. Radio check, over.
- This is Tom. Radio check, over.
- Tom, use the code names, remember?
I'm Cobra. He's Stallion. You're Louise.
- I feel like I got the worst nickname.
Can I say that? - Please identify yourself.
- Louise in position, over. - Thank you.
All right, guys, it's go time.
And in the off chance the bus does actually explode
and everyone dies, that's my bad.
I apologize in advance.
[machine beeping]
- Help, I'm stuck! The bus is gonna blow!
- Oh, my God, someone's gotta help the bus driver.
- Everyone, relax.
You're in good hands. First responder's on the scene.
- ♪ When a hero comes along ♪
♪ And saves a life today ♪
- Tom just ran into the bus!
- Is this really happening?
- Who is playing this music? It is fucking perfect!
- ♪ When a hero comes along ♪
♪ You will not forget ♪
- He's alive! Are you seeing this?
- Whoo, this little guy saved my life.
Thank you, Tom. [cheers and applause]
- You know what, Tom? You're a hero.
- Please, please. Don't call me a hero.
It's just what I do. I run towards fire.
I run towards fire and flames.
- Look at that article. - Thanks, Mom.
This--this is amazing.
- Well, I wanted to treat you to something nice.
This is big. I'm, like, an A-list mom now.
- But the hero's mom is usually not the focus of the story.
- Well, it should be
'cause the hero had to come out of the mom.
- Hey, hope you folks enjoyed your meal.
We are so grateful for what your son did.
Can I have everyone's attention, please?
- What are you--what are you--
- My dad, God rest his soul,
was a first responder like this young man here.
He performed many heroic acts.
Saved an old lady in a kayak once.
- That's amazing.
- Pulled multiple cats from trees--
- Multiple cats?
- But he tragically died while trying to deep fry a turkey.
- Oh, what a story.
- So as a tribute to him,
we'd like to offer Tom free meals for life.
[applause] - Wow.
- That's amazing. Thank you.
- This is for you, Dad. - Oh, my God.
Can my mom eat free too? - Well...
- Yes, we'll extend it to the whole family.
- Oh, wow! How about Nelson? Nelson too?
- Is he family? Who's this Nelson?
- He's more of a friend, but, you know--
- We'll discuss it. - He's in.
We'll make it a friends and family deal.
We'll even name a dish after you.
Anything you want.
- Something cheap. Like, a hot dog, maybe?
- How about something fancy?
Why don't you carve a bust of Tom's head out of meat...
- Wait, what? - Drench it in gravy,
and then light it on fire.
- That sounds insanely expensive.
- In memory of Dad, consider it done.
[cheers and applause]
- Kids, I hope you're enjoying the new B3000
and the fact that Tom saved my life.
Tom, say a few words.
- Hi, glad I could save everyone's lives
and get us a sweet new bus.
I know I put Yasmine's rescue to shame,
but hey, it's not a competition, so thank you.
- I heard you get free food at the diner.
Can we get in on that? - Sorry, Hector.
It's just friends and family, so...
- Wait, are we not friends? - Friends?
I mean, more bus mates.
- So we're all just nameless faces on a bus?
Wow. [all booing]
- Oh, hey. Stop. Stop.
- Eat this, Tom!
- Tom, you're losing the crowd, man.
Tell 'em what they wanna hear.
- All right, you know what? Fine.
If you go to the diner, just tell 'em Tom sent you.
[cheers and applause]
- Hi, I'd like to order the Tom Special,
and can I get that for free?
'Cause my best friend Tom sent me.
- Can I get a flaming meat things for free?
Yeah, I'm friends with the little dude
who did the thing with the bus.
Yeah, I'm also friends with Michael Bay, no big deal.
- Hi, I'm friends with Tom and I'm also a first responder.
I put out a volcano.
And so I'd like a Tom Special for free.
So that's a dozen Tom Specials.
All for free. - Yep.
- Since these people are friends and family.
- And Mountain Dews all around, baby.
- [sighs] - Thank you.
You guys are very generous.
Kinda like royalty in this place.
The king of the diner. They treat me nice.
- I can't believe this weasel keeps coming in.
He brought ten friends, Pete.
- She talking about me? - Well, we did make the offer.
- He's double-fisting the most expensive things on the menu.
- Double-fisting? - Calm down, honey.
- Let's just hope he unexpectedly dies
or moves out of town.
- Wow, Tom. Oof.
Man, you really screwing over these nice people.
- She's much friendlier when she's taking the orders.
- I can't believe this is free!
10 pounds of meat
carved into the shape of your son's head?
- Hey, those are the perks of having a hero son.
[door clicks] - Oh, hey, Ma.
What the hell is going on here?
- I started a Free Food Snack Club
for some of the moms.
- What? All right. You know what? That does it.
We need to cut this off. Everybody out.
Party's over. Donate the meat to somebody.
- Ladies, excuse me for a second.
I'm gonna go talk to my son.
He seems to be having a breakdown.
[whispering] Hey, what are you doing?
- Cindy, can you cut off a chunk of Tom's face for me?
- You're gonna come in here and boss your mom? Uh-uh.
- I just don't wanna take advantage of this poor couple.
I mean-- - That's real sweet.
Is that what you want me to tell you right now?
You're a good person.
- I don't want to be the reason they go out of business.
- Ugh, all right. You know what? Fine.
If you want to end this, I have a solution.
Ah, thanks for seeing us.
That blurb you wrote on my son was very nice.
- Well, you got a very brave young man here.
- Tell her what you wanna do, Tom.
- You know, a lot of people are taking advantage
of the diner's free food offer.
So I just wanna put out a county-wide alert that says,
"Tom wants you to knock it off."
- Well, it's no bus rescue, but it is a nice gesture.
I'll put something in the next issue.
It'll be out in two weeks.
- Oh, no, we can't wait two weeks.
No, these people are hemorrhaging money.
- I'm sorry. The paper's biweekly.
And I know biweekly is confusing,
but it's the type where it's two times a month.
- You know what? They'll be fine for two weeks.
Tom wants to do the right thing,
but he also wants that blurb.
My boy likes his blurbs, you know?
[keys clacking] - [sighs]
Pete, this has gone too far.
We have to rescind the offer.
- Amanda, I gave Tom my word.
I can't just dishonor my father like that.
- I'm going through these receipts.
We're going out of business.
- What do you mean, we're going out business?
- Just the gravy is $15,000.
- I cannot rescind this offer, Amanda.
It's for my father, who died.
- [sighs] If that's how you feel.
There's only one other option.
- Change the beef to some type of hot dog meat?
- No, I was thinking burn down the restaurant
and collect the insurance money.
- Wow, you really take things too far.
- Tom, this is your best blurb yet.
- It's pretty good. - Read it to me.
- "A local boy named Tom has graciously declined
"to accept free food at a local restaurant.
"When asked if he sees himself as a hero, Tom boasted,
'Abso-freaking-lutely. It's what I do.'"
- As a mom, this is what it's all about, Tommy.
- This was worth the wait, I gotta say.
- [sobbing]
[thunder rumbling]
Are you sure we can't just refinance or something?
- Pete, I already started the fire.
Now is not the time. [horn honks]
- Hey. - Hey, we're kinda busy here.
- Oh, no, don't worry. I'm not here for free food.
I actually have great news.
- "Local hero graciously stops accepting handouts,
asks friends to repay diner for free meals"?
That's amazing!
But why didn't you tell us sooner?
- Oh, Tom wanted to get a blurb
in the local paper, and it's biweekly.
- It would have helped to have this information sooner.
- Wait, what--what is that? Is that smoke?
- Tom, run in and get the fire extinguisher.
[smoke alarm beeping] - Me? No.
- Of course you. - Wait.
- What happened to your courage? Get in there!
- That was a bus. This is a diner.
It's a whole different interface.
- Just go in there and save it
just like you saved the school bus.
- I can't do it. My mom simply won't allow it.
- I'm good with it.
I wanna see you in action, buddy.
- Mom, come on. - I'll do it!
- Oh, no.
- ♪ When a hero comes along ♪
♪ And saves a life today ♪
- They're playing my song. That's my song.
- Out of my way, Tom. - Whoa. Oh, this is not good.
She's gonna die. [fire extinguisher blows]
- All good. Just a small grease fire.
[applause] - You are a hero.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Not to be petty, but technically, I responded first.
- What?
- Sure, I didn't do anything, but I did respond.
At least give me credit for that.
- ♪ Remember there's more road ♪
♪ And places to go ♪
♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪
♪ More people to fornicate ♪
♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪
♪ Supplying the proof ♪
♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪
♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪
♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪
♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪
♪ The sweet silver lining ♪
♪ Through you she lives on ♪
♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪