1 00:00:04,756 --> 00:00:08,843 - ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪ 2 00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:12,805 ♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪ 3 00:00:12,889 --> 00:00:18,561 ♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪ 4 00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:21,063 ♪ ♪ 5 00:00:21,147 --> 00:00:25,401 ♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪ 6 00:00:25,485 --> 00:00:29,614 ♪ I present no explanations ♪ 7 00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:33,201 ♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪ 8 00:00:33,284 --> 00:00:37,497 ♪ To satiate for long ♪ 9 00:00:37,580 --> 00:00:41,334 ♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪ 10 00:00:41,417 --> 00:00:46,130 ♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪ 11 00:00:48,966 --> 00:00:51,093 - $6 for a shirt? 12 00:00:51,177 --> 00:00:52,220 - Isn't that what shirts cost? 13 00:00:52,303 --> 00:00:54,096 - $9 dollars for pants? 14 00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:55,765 - How much cheaper could pants possibly be? 15 00:00:55,848 --> 00:00:57,683 - Excuse me, ma'am, if you're interested, 16 00:00:57,767 --> 00:00:59,143 we have this rack over here 17 00:00:59,227 --> 00:01:00,269 for a dollar a shirt, 18 00:01:00,353 --> 00:01:01,562 - The Reject Rack? 19 00:01:01,646 --> 00:01:03,147 - No, we're not Reject Rack people. 20 00:01:03,231 --> 00:01:04,857 - We actually are Reject Rack people. 21 00:01:04,941 --> 00:01:06,150 - No, we're pretty classy. 22 00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:07,819 - I would like to check these out. 23 00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:09,195 - Who would wear these? 24 00:01:09,278 --> 00:01:10,863 - Tom, look at this one. 25 00:01:10,947 --> 00:01:12,782 "My other T-shirt is a jean jacket." 26 00:01:12,865 --> 00:01:14,075 - I can't wear that to school. 27 00:01:14,158 --> 00:01:15,451 I'll be laughed out of the place. 28 00:01:15,535 --> 00:01:18,496 - Tom, Count Chocula on a skateboard. 29 00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,206 - Mom, Mom, these T-shirts are terrible. 30 00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:22,208 - Oh, buddy. "Here's the beef." 31 00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:24,710 And it's got an arrow pointing down to your crotch. 32 00:01:24,794 --> 00:01:27,463 - These clothes have been rejected by society. 33 00:01:27,547 --> 00:01:28,714 - Tom, they're a dollar. 34 00:01:28,798 --> 00:01:30,216 Now go pick your favorite ten, 35 00:01:30,299 --> 00:01:32,009 and your wardrobe's all set for the next year. 36 00:01:32,093 --> 00:01:33,386 - They're all equally bad. 37 00:01:33,469 --> 00:01:35,471 - Pick your favorite ten of the equally bad ones. 38 00:01:35,555 --> 00:01:37,265 I hope you can find some winners. 39 00:01:37,348 --> 00:01:38,724 [bell rings] 40 00:01:38,808 --> 00:01:40,184 - Hey, Nelson, can I ask you a question? 41 00:01:40,268 --> 00:01:41,602 What's your honest take on this shirt? 42 00:01:41,686 --> 00:01:43,062 - Oh, Tom, it's a look. 43 00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:44,605 It's definitely a look. - Yeah? 44 00:01:44,689 --> 00:01:46,524 - But this one might be a little bit too much. 45 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,150 - I should've worn the Mitt Romney one. 46 00:01:48,234 --> 00:01:49,610 Dakota, what do you think? 47 00:01:49,694 --> 00:01:51,070 - Oh, wow. 48 00:01:51,153 --> 00:01:53,823 I can't tell if I'm offended or I'm really impressed. 49 00:01:53,906 --> 00:01:55,408 - Offended? The guy at the thrift shop 50 00:01:55,491 --> 00:01:57,493 clearly said, "No nips, no problem." 51 00:01:57,577 --> 00:01:58,911 - I think as we get older, 52 00:01:58,995 --> 00:02:01,080 one thing you're gonna look back on is 53 00:02:01,163 --> 00:02:02,832 which adults you listened to. 54 00:02:02,915 --> 00:02:05,126 - Okay, gang. Today we are playing kickball. 55 00:02:05,209 --> 00:02:07,336 So I need you to split up into two teams-- 56 00:02:07,420 --> 00:02:08,796 wait, hold on a second. 57 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:11,215 Uh-uh. No, no, no. 58 00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:14,218 Not in my class. - Oh, the T-shirt? 59 00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:16,220 Is it--you don't like the-- the partial nudity? 60 00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:17,430 - Think I care about nudity, boy? 61 00:02:17,513 --> 00:02:18,890 - No. - I will not have 62 00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,600 a student of mine wearing a Red Sox garment. 63 00:02:20,683 --> 00:02:22,018 - Oh, the Red Sox. 64 00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:23,352 - In this class, we are Yankee fans. 65 00:02:23,436 --> 00:02:25,104 - Oh, no, I'm not a fan of anything. 66 00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:27,148 It's just a random thrift shop purchase. 67 00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:28,691 - Tom, the playoffs are coming up 68 00:02:28,774 --> 00:02:30,234 and I can't afford you to jinx it. 69 00:02:30,318 --> 00:02:31,777 The shirt's gotta go. 70 00:02:31,861 --> 00:02:33,654 - What do you--you want me to remove my--my shirt? 71 00:02:33,738 --> 00:02:35,489 - Take it off. - No, I can't take it off. 72 00:02:35,573 --> 00:02:36,949 I mean-- - Oh, you're taking it off. 73 00:02:37,033 --> 00:02:38,451 Tell you what, you don't take it off-- 74 00:02:38,534 --> 00:02:39,869 - Please. Please. - I'ma take it off for you. 75 00:02:39,952 --> 00:02:41,329 That's right. Come here. - Stop, stop. 76 00:02:41,412 --> 00:02:42,788 - This is a new low, even for our school. 77 00:02:42,872 --> 00:02:44,290 - Go ahead. Film it. Everybody film it. 78 00:02:44,373 --> 00:02:47,126 I want the world to know that Boston sucks. 79 00:02:47,210 --> 00:02:48,961 Now give me this shirt. Yes! 80 00:02:49,045 --> 00:02:51,088 - You're out of control, Coach. - I'm not. 81 00:02:51,172 --> 00:02:53,257 This is what I think of your Red Sox around here. 82 00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:54,550 - Oh, my god. 83 00:02:54,634 --> 00:02:56,385 - Now watch it burn, kids. 84 00:02:56,469 --> 00:02:58,387 Watch it burn. 85 00:02:58,471 --> 00:03:02,308 [exciting music] 86 00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:04,143 - I'm on the field where earlier today, 87 00:03:04,226 --> 00:03:07,104 an enraged sports fan burned the shirt of a student. 88 00:03:07,188 --> 00:03:09,315 Here's a clip of the horror as it unfolded. 89 00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:15,196 - Tom, you sit in the corner and you watch this shirt burn. 90 00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:16,155 Damn it. 91 00:03:16,238 --> 00:03:17,615 - Can you even imagine 92 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,992 what was going on in this maniac's mind? 93 00:03:20,076 --> 00:03:21,619 I know I can't. 94 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:24,080 This shirtless child should act as a reminder to us all 95 00:03:24,163 --> 00:03:27,166 that hey, it's just a game. 96 00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:29,001 - Okay, I know how this looks, everybody, 97 00:03:29,085 --> 00:03:32,004 but that clip was taken out of context. 98 00:03:32,088 --> 00:03:33,339 - Was it? - Yes. 99 00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:35,174 They didn't show any of the kickball stuff. 100 00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:36,425 - This is bad, okay? 101 00:03:36,509 --> 00:03:38,344 We can't be teaching kids how to hate. 102 00:03:38,427 --> 00:03:40,137 - I don't get where it comes from myself. 103 00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:43,182 My Uncle Bill is from Boston, and he's a really sweet guy. 104 00:03:43,265 --> 00:03:44,850 - Uncle Bill sound like a damn fool. 105 00:03:44,934 --> 00:03:47,019 - Why? Based on what? - He just sounds like a idiot. 106 00:03:47,103 --> 00:03:48,854 - Okay. This is what I'm talking about. 107 00:03:48,938 --> 00:03:50,856 Let's make this a teachable moment. 108 00:03:50,940 --> 00:03:52,274 - Teachable moment? How? - How? 109 00:03:52,358 --> 00:03:53,693 - Yeah, how? - I'll tell you how. 110 00:03:53,776 --> 00:03:56,028 We do a field trip to a Red Sox game, 111 00:03:56,112 --> 00:03:58,364 and we show these kids that no matter where you go, 112 00:03:58,447 --> 00:04:00,199 people are basically the same. 113 00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:01,325 - We gotta go on field trips? 114 00:04:01,409 --> 00:04:03,119 Or how about we just say sorry? 115 00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:05,121 What happened to that? Look, look, watch me. 116 00:04:05,204 --> 00:04:06,872 Sorry, Tom. Whoops! 117 00:04:06,956 --> 00:04:08,082 - That felt insincere at best. 118 00:04:08,165 --> 00:04:09,250 - Sounds lazy. 119 00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:11,836 - I was sincere as a mother-- 120 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,713 - Oh, oh, oh, hey, oh, hey, oh! 121 00:04:13,796 --> 00:04:15,047 Listen, it's decided. 122 00:04:15,131 --> 00:04:16,590 The kids are going to a Red Sox game, 123 00:04:16,674 --> 00:04:18,884 and Coach, you're gonna be their chaperone. 124 00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:20,386 - What? - Oh, that's fun. 125 00:04:20,469 --> 00:04:22,555 That'll be great. - Ugh. Okay, fine. I'll go. 126 00:04:22,638 --> 00:04:23,931 But I'm just letting y'all know, 127 00:04:24,015 --> 00:04:25,891 I refuse to enjoy myself. 128 00:04:25,975 --> 00:04:27,893 - That's fair. That's a good compromise. 129 00:04:27,977 --> 00:04:30,730 [upbeat rock music] 130 00:04:30,813 --> 00:04:32,356 ♪ ♪ 131 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:36,068 - What a day at Fenway as we commemorate the date 132 00:04:36,152 --> 00:04:38,362 Babe Ruth first signed with the team. 133 00:04:38,446 --> 00:04:40,364 - Oh, this is fun. We're in Boston. Here we go. 134 00:04:40,448 --> 00:04:41,782 - Yeah, I'm excited. Come on. 135 00:04:41,866 --> 00:04:43,117 - Look at you guys. 136 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,411 What a symbol of unity and harmony. 137 00:04:45,494 --> 00:04:47,079 Have fun today. 138 00:04:47,163 --> 00:04:48,122 - Thanks, Bus Driver. 139 00:04:48,205 --> 00:04:49,874 - All right, let's go. 140 00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:51,417 - You know what? I can't do it. 141 00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:53,085 - Can't do what? - Now that we're here, 142 00:04:53,169 --> 00:04:54,962 I just can't let my shoes touch Red Sox asphalt. 143 00:04:55,046 --> 00:04:56,088 - Come on, Coach. 144 00:04:56,172 --> 00:04:57,631 We drove three and a half hours. 145 00:04:57,715 --> 00:04:58,966 - We're here to take a picture of me and you 146 00:04:59,050 --> 00:05:00,593 hugging at Fenway, so... - Hugging? 147 00:05:00,676 --> 00:05:02,136 Listen, I ain't hugging shit. 148 00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:03,596 - What? - Go without me. 149 00:05:03,679 --> 00:05:05,264 - Yeah, but we've gotta see the trip through. 150 00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:07,433 You can't say "I'm not hugging shit." 151 00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:09,101 - Uh, the bus driver will take you. 152 00:05:09,185 --> 00:05:10,978 Y'all--y'all go with the bus driver. 153 00:05:11,062 --> 00:05:12,480 - Does he even count as a grownup? 154 00:05:12,563 --> 00:05:14,106 - He's more of, like, a man child, right? 155 00:05:14,190 --> 00:05:16,525 - How about this? Nelson, turn on the video call, 156 00:05:16,609 --> 00:05:19,111 and you just check in with me, and I'll see it from here. 157 00:05:19,195 --> 00:05:21,363 - Man, come on, Coach. - Please stop talking about it. 158 00:05:21,447 --> 00:05:23,783 Get off this bus and go in there and do 159 00:05:23,866 --> 00:05:27,119 whatever the teachable nonsense y'all supposed to be doing. 160 00:05:27,203 --> 00:05:29,538 - I don't think you understood the premise of the trip. 161 00:05:29,622 --> 00:05:31,290 I really don't. - Whee! 162 00:05:31,373 --> 00:05:32,666 Coach, we are good! - Hey, Coach. 163 00:05:32,750 --> 00:05:33,834 - Look at this. Wow. 164 00:05:33,918 --> 00:05:35,669 - All right. Look at you guys. 165 00:05:35,753 --> 00:05:37,338 I knew y'all could do it. I knew it. 166 00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:39,131 - Very safe. Very safe. - That fresh Boston air. 167 00:05:39,215 --> 00:05:40,549 Who knew? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 168 00:05:40,633 --> 00:05:42,468 - Uh-oh. Oh man, look. - Look at what? 169 00:05:42,551 --> 00:05:43,969 - What kind of asshole lunatic 170 00:05:44,053 --> 00:05:46,055 shows up to a Sox game in a Yankee cap? 171 00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:47,348 - Oh, no. - This is not good. 172 00:05:47,431 --> 00:05:48,724 - Wait, what's not good? 173 00:05:48,808 --> 00:05:51,477 - Yes, yes, I'm wearing a Yankees cap. 174 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,479 How about no swearing in front of the kids? 175 00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,689 Maybe switching it up and saying "tush" or "heinie." 176 00:05:55,773 --> 00:05:57,191 - Okay, fine. 177 00:05:57,274 --> 00:05:59,902 Do you want us to shove that cap up your "tush"? 178 00:05:59,985 --> 00:06:01,278 Or up your "heinie"? 179 00:06:01,362 --> 00:06:03,322 Or straight up your asshole? - Oh! 180 00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:04,990 - Yeah, you can't say the last part. 181 00:06:05,074 --> 00:06:06,659 I mean, that defeats the whole purpose. 182 00:06:06,742 --> 00:06:07,993 Hey, what-- - Oh, no. 183 00:06:08,077 --> 00:06:10,663 - Oh, no? [all speaking at once] 184 00:06:10,746 --> 00:06:12,790 - Don't take his pants off. - What--whose pants? 185 00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:14,125 What is happening out there? 186 00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:15,459 - Coach, you gotta get out here now. 187 00:06:15,543 --> 00:06:16,836 - For what? - Kids, run! 188 00:06:16,919 --> 00:06:18,587 - Run for your lives. - Go, go, go! 189 00:06:18,671 --> 00:06:20,131 - Where is the bus driver? 190 00:06:20,214 --> 00:06:21,340 - Can somebody open the dumpster? 191 00:06:21,423 --> 00:06:22,675 - In retrospect, I agree 192 00:06:22,758 --> 00:06:24,593 I was a poor choice of a chaperone! 193 00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:28,764 - I am freaking out. We do not have a chaperone. 194 00:06:28,848 --> 00:06:30,349 - All right, don't panic. Everyone's panicking. 195 00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:31,934 - We need to pick a de facto leader. 196 00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:33,018 - How about me? - You? 197 00:06:33,102 --> 00:06:34,353 - What? No, Tom. - No. No. 198 00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:35,396 - No, no, hear me out. 199 00:06:35,479 --> 00:06:36,856 I know the ball boy here. 200 00:06:36,939 --> 00:06:38,190 - What? - Wh--so? 201 00:06:38,274 --> 00:06:40,734 - My Uncle Bill is a senior ball boy. 202 00:06:40,818 --> 00:06:42,862 - Isn't that, like, a volunteer position? 203 00:06:42,945 --> 00:06:44,655 - The important thing is, I've got a contact, 204 00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:45,948 so let me call the guy. 205 00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:47,491 - All right. - All right, here you go. 206 00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:49,201 [phone beeps] [line rings] 207 00:06:49,285 --> 00:06:50,786 - Tommy. - Hey, Uncle Bill. 208 00:06:50,870 --> 00:06:52,079 It's Tom from New Jersey. 209 00:06:52,163 --> 00:06:53,914 - Why does he have to say where he's from? 210 00:06:53,998 --> 00:06:55,207 - Listen, I can't talk now. 211 00:06:55,291 --> 00:06:56,709 I'm taking a dump. - What? 212 00:06:56,792 --> 00:06:58,127 - I can't get off the can, Tommy! 213 00:06:58,210 --> 00:06:59,378 - Uncle Bill, please don't hang up. 214 00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:01,046 No, no, no. - [laughs] 215 00:07:02,006 --> 00:07:04,049 - Who answers a FaceTime call while you're shitting? 216 00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:05,384 - Yeah. - You know what? 217 00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:06,802 I just thought of something. - Yeah? 218 00:07:06,886 --> 00:07:08,053 - My dad knows the owner of the team. 219 00:07:08,137 --> 00:07:09,305 - What? 220 00:07:09,388 --> 00:07:10,723 - You should have mentioned that sooner. 221 00:07:10,806 --> 00:07:12,057 - Yeah! 222 00:07:12,141 --> 00:07:13,267 - Your dad knows the owner of the Red Sox. 223 00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:14,393 - That's correct. - Yeah. 224 00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:15,769 As soon as I said "ball boy," 225 00:07:15,853 --> 00:07:17,563 you should have offered all this up. 226 00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:21,066 - Name? - Nelson. 227 00:07:21,150 --> 00:07:22,735 My dad is friends with the owner. 228 00:07:22,818 --> 00:07:23,736 Defended him once in court. 229 00:07:23,819 --> 00:07:25,362 - I got a Nelson out here. 230 00:07:25,446 --> 00:07:27,698 Yeah, he says his dad defended you once in court. 231 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,074 Yeah, I got it. 232 00:07:29,158 --> 00:07:31,285 Yeah, no can do. He says your dad's an asshole. 233 00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:34,622 - Oh, my dad put a much better spin on the whole friendship. 234 00:07:34,705 --> 00:07:37,333 - Sir, I can't imagine this is gonna have much sway, 235 00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:40,628 but my Uncle Bill is actually a ball boy here at the stadium. 236 00:07:40,711 --> 00:07:43,047 - Wait a second. Your uncle is Enormous Bill? 237 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,132 - Yeah, I mean, he is enormous. - I had no idea 238 00:07:45,216 --> 00:07:46,675 that Enormous Bill even had a family. 239 00:07:46,759 --> 00:07:48,135 - Oh, yeah. - He's a legend here. 240 00:07:48,219 --> 00:07:49,345 You know what? - That's great. 241 00:07:49,428 --> 00:07:50,471 - Come on in here. - Wow. 242 00:07:50,554 --> 00:07:52,223 I didn't expect that to work. 243 00:07:52,306 --> 00:07:54,099 - Hey, guys, this is Enormous Bill's nephew. 244 00:07:54,183 --> 00:07:55,768 - No way. You talking about Loner Bill? 245 00:07:55,851 --> 00:07:58,145 - No, he's got a family. 246 00:07:58,229 --> 00:07:59,313 - This is incredible. 247 00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:00,814 - You must be Tom. - I am. 248 00:08:00,898 --> 00:08:03,317 - Your Uncle Bill is a real character. 249 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:04,735 - I can't believe you know my Uncle Bill. 250 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:05,986 - Yeah, messes up the bathrooms, 251 00:08:06,070 --> 00:08:07,613 but he is beloved around here. 252 00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:09,240 Everybody loves him. - Yeah, my uncle's a fun guy. 253 00:08:09,323 --> 00:08:10,449 Oh, and this is my good buddy Nelson. 254 00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:11,742 I think you know his dad. 255 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,118 - This is the kid with the asshole father? 256 00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:14,578 - What? - Get him outta here. 257 00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:15,955 Can someone have this kid removed? 258 00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:17,456 - Wait, gets your hands off of me! 259 00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:20,042 Back in Jersey, people find me adorable! 260 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:22,127 - So, Tom, wearing a Yankee cap? 261 00:08:22,211 --> 00:08:23,462 That's a bold choice, son. 262 00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:25,005 - Oh, no, no. We're on a field trip. 263 00:08:25,089 --> 00:08:27,258 My teacher had burned my Red Sox jersey, 264 00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:29,969 so this is a field trip to learn about tolerance. 265 00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:31,679 - Wait a minute. You're the boy from the video. 266 00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:33,222 - That's me. - The shirtless idiot. 267 00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:35,099 - No, no one calls me that, but, I mean... 268 00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:36,809 - You are a legend, sir. - That's good. 269 00:08:36,892 --> 00:08:38,936 - That story shone such a bright 270 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,981 and necessary light on a very real problem. 271 00:08:42,064 --> 00:08:43,732 - It's true. People can be maniacs. 272 00:08:43,816 --> 00:08:45,150 - I'd like to shake your hand, Tom. 273 00:08:45,234 --> 00:08:46,694 - Actually, this is why I came here. 274 00:08:46,777 --> 00:08:48,320 Dakota, get a picture of this. This is good. 275 00:08:48,404 --> 00:08:50,489 - Great. - Just shaking hands. 276 00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:51,991 - It's great. I got it. - This is great. 277 00:08:52,074 --> 00:08:53,325 You know what? - Yeah? 278 00:08:53,409 --> 00:08:55,160 - I'm gonna do you one better. - Okay. 279 00:08:55,244 --> 00:08:57,538 - Linda, tell Casey Affleck he's bumped. 280 00:08:57,621 --> 00:08:58,914 Tom here, the shirtless idiot, 281 00:08:58,998 --> 00:09:00,332 he's throwing out the first pitch. 282 00:09:00,416 --> 00:09:01,959 - I'm on it, but I'm not telling the guy. 283 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,544 You tell him. - Me? Oh, no, no. 284 00:09:03,627 --> 00:09:05,296 I'm not good on the phone. - Hey, this is Casey. 285 00:09:05,379 --> 00:09:07,214 - Hey, Casey Affleck. It's Tom. 286 00:09:07,298 --> 00:09:09,842 Sounds like you're out and I'm in, so... 287 00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:11,302 - And who the fuck are you, Tom? 288 00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:13,345 - Just Tom from Jersey. Bassoon player-- 289 00:09:13,429 --> 00:09:15,431 - What are you talking about? - Pooped my pants once. 290 00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:16,849 - This is bush-league! - You know what? 291 00:09:16,932 --> 00:09:19,101 I don't have time to talk. I gotta go. 292 00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:20,394 - Great. It's done. 293 00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:22,271 - I don't think the fans wanna see me. 294 00:09:22,354 --> 00:09:23,772 I don't have any fans. 295 00:09:23,856 --> 00:09:25,691 - All right, Boston fans, in ten minutes, 296 00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:29,028 we've got the shirtless idiot throwing the first pitch. 297 00:09:29,111 --> 00:09:32,281 [cheers and applause] 298 00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:33,741 - Okay, Tom, you're here. 299 00:09:33,824 --> 00:09:35,034 This is gonna be so much fun, right? 300 00:09:35,117 --> 00:09:36,493 - Yes. All right. - Okay. 301 00:09:36,577 --> 00:09:38,037 - This will be fun. - Listen to me here. 302 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:39,330 We got ten minutes. 303 00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:40,622 When the light flashes, we're live. 304 00:09:40,706 --> 00:09:41,874 - Okay. - Wave to the crowd. 305 00:09:41,957 --> 00:09:43,250 Say something cute. - What? 306 00:09:43,334 --> 00:09:44,376 - Then fire a fastball. - Fastball? 307 00:09:44,460 --> 00:09:45,836 - And make sure you land it. 308 00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:48,213 You cannot pull a 50 Cent or a Mariah Carey. 309 00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:50,215 - You know, I don't do well in high-pressure situations. 310 00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:51,550 - Oh, God. 311 00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:53,135 - Can I run to the bathroom real quick? 312 00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:55,637 - Okay. But hurry. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! 313 00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,807 - Everybody, move off to the sides. 314 00:09:58,891 --> 00:10:00,559 We got the honorary first pitcher, 315 00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:02,561 and he's gotta take a pee. 316 00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:04,897 - Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. What the hell? 317 00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:07,024 - A Yankee cap in Fenway? - Oh, oh, that. 318 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,692 We're on a peace summit of sorts. 319 00:10:08,776 --> 00:10:10,611 - You better start to pee-pee right now. 320 00:10:10,694 --> 00:10:12,529 - Come on, guys, please. This is a lot of pressure. 321 00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:14,156 both: One, two, three. 322 00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:15,449 - Guys, please, I can't pee-- - Four, five. 323 00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:16,700 - With the countdown. - Seven. 324 00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:18,702 - Can you please? - C'mon! 325 00:10:18,786 --> 00:10:20,329 - I can't imagine any urine's about to come out of me. 326 00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:21,747 - All right, come here. Help me grab this kid. 327 00:10:21,830 --> 00:10:23,248 - No, no, no. - Come here! 328 00:10:23,332 --> 00:10:24,416 - You had your chance. - This is socially-- 329 00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:25,668 - Now get outta here! 330 00:10:25,751 --> 00:10:28,170 - Tommy. Holy shit. Is that you? 331 00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:29,588 - Oh, Uncle Bill. Hey. 332 00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:32,007 - Oh, my God. Come here. This kid's my nephew. 333 00:10:32,091 --> 00:10:34,259 Give me a hug, you big goofy-looking son of a bitch. 334 00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:35,844 Come here. - Hey. Oh, whoa, whoa. 335 00:10:35,928 --> 00:10:37,262 - [growling] - Not in the bathroom. 336 00:10:37,346 --> 00:10:38,263 Uncle Bill, it's too much. 337 00:10:38,347 --> 00:10:40,099 Listen, it's a long story, 338 00:10:40,182 --> 00:10:42,434 but I'm actually throwing out the first pitch of the game. 339 00:10:42,518 --> 00:10:43,894 - Wow. - And I needed to pee first. 340 00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,312 It's an emergency. I gotta find a bathroom. 341 00:10:45,396 --> 00:10:46,939 - Okay. Okay. Listen, listen. 342 00:10:47,022 --> 00:10:48,774 As the senior most ball boy here, I got full access. 343 00:10:48,857 --> 00:10:50,192 - That's amazing. - Yeah, come on. 344 00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:51,610 Come on, I'll show you. - Oh, my god. 345 00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:52,903 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 346 00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,279 Sorry. He's under my watch. 347 00:10:54,363 --> 00:10:55,656 - Well, listen, I hate to pull rank here, 348 00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:58,325 but ball boy outranks security guard. 349 00:10:58,409 --> 00:10:59,827 - Ah, I don't know, Bill. 350 00:10:59,910 --> 00:11:01,453 - Does ball boy outrank anything? 351 00:11:01,537 --> 00:11:03,288 - There's no time to argue. We gotta pee. Come on! 352 00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:04,832 ♪ We're gonna make a pee-pee ♪ 353 00:11:04,915 --> 00:11:06,291 ♪ We're gonna make a pee-pee-pee-pee ♪ 354 00:11:06,375 --> 00:11:08,168 ♪ We're gonna make a pee-pee ♪ 355 00:11:08,252 --> 00:11:10,254 All right, Tommy. See that grass out there? 356 00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:11,380 - Yeah? 357 00:11:11,463 --> 00:11:13,257 - That grass is all yours. 358 00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:16,009 [heavenly music] 359 00:11:16,093 --> 00:11:18,095 - Oh, thank you so much. This is perfect. 360 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,763 - Anywhere you want. [zipper unzips] 361 00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:22,349 - Oh, this is a pleasure. Oh, thank you, Uncle Bill. 362 00:11:22,433 --> 00:11:25,144 - You're welcome, man. - Bro, what the eff, man? 363 00:11:25,227 --> 00:11:26,728 - Oh, oh, I'm good. I'm with Uncle Bill. 364 00:11:26,812 --> 00:11:28,689 - No, you're not good. What are you doing? 365 00:11:28,772 --> 00:11:30,399 - I'm with Uncle Bill, I said. 366 00:11:30,482 --> 00:11:33,944 - You're pissing on Babe Ruth's original mitt from 1914. 367 00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:36,155 - Oh, no. - Look at this kid. 368 00:11:36,238 --> 00:11:37,406 He's pissing on Ruth's mitt. 369 00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:38,866 [crowd booing] - What the hell? 370 00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:41,118 - Oh, that's disgusting. - You suck! 371 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,078 - No. Honest mistake. I meant no disrespect. 372 00:11:43,162 --> 00:11:44,872 - This is the ultimate disrespect, you little shit. 373 00:11:44,955 --> 00:11:46,707 - Oh, no, if we blame anyone, I mean, let's blame 374 00:11:46,790 --> 00:11:48,876 Casey Affleck, right? Right, Uncle Bill? 375 00:11:48,959 --> 00:11:50,752 - Uncle? No. I never met this kid. 376 00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:52,463 I'm the senior Ball Boy. I got stuff to do. 377 00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:54,798 - Uncle Bill. - Get him, guys! 378 00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:58,010 [all shouting] 379 00:11:58,093 --> 00:12:01,346 [exciting music] 380 00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:02,764 - Get in here. Get in here. 381 00:12:02,848 --> 00:12:06,435 I got a text saying that our very own Tom 382 00:12:06,518 --> 00:12:09,104 is going to throw out the first pitch at Fenway! 383 00:12:09,188 --> 00:12:11,607 Are you shitting me? 384 00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:13,317 - Sad day at Fenway 385 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,153 as there will be no ceremonial first pitch thrown. 386 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:19,281 A child named Tom was scheduled to participate, 387 00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:21,200 but instead, he pulled out his wiener 388 00:12:21,283 --> 00:12:23,035 and urinated on Babe Ruth's mitt, 389 00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:24,536 further enflaming tensions... 390 00:12:24,620 --> 00:12:26,038 - Well, that was disappointing. 391 00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:27,581 That's why I don't like to get excited. 392 00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:29,124 - And there he is, the little maniac 393 00:12:29,208 --> 00:12:30,918 that urinated on Babe Ruth's mitt. 394 00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:33,504 This child right here, in a nutshell, 395 00:12:33,587 --> 00:12:35,631 is what's wrong with sports. 396 00:12:35,714 --> 00:12:39,176 [upbeat rock music] 397 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,637 [bell rings] 398 00:12:44,223 --> 00:12:45,766 - Tom, take this the right way, 399 00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:48,685 but I'ma put some feelers out for a new lab partner. 400 00:12:48,769 --> 00:12:50,187 - Why, you're not happy with the volcano? 401 00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:51,772 - No, it look like a pile of manure! 402 00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:53,315 It don't even erupt. - You know what? 403 00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:54,483 I grabbed some extra stuff from home. 404 00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:55,567 Let's see if this works. 405 00:12:55,651 --> 00:12:57,194 - What you got? What you got? 406 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,446 - We got blackberry brandy, windshield washer fluid, 407 00:12:59,530 --> 00:13:01,490 and mountain breeze air freshener. 408 00:13:01,573 --> 00:13:02,908 - Okay. - That's gotta burn, right? 409 00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:04,284 - We can work with this. - Right? 410 00:13:04,368 --> 00:13:05,786 - Put these on. - Nice. 411 00:13:05,869 --> 00:13:07,246 - I'll stand at a safe distance. 412 00:13:07,329 --> 00:13:08,789 You start dumping things until it explodes. 413 00:13:08,872 --> 00:13:10,415 - Why am I doing all the work on this team? 414 00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:12,417 I built the volcano. - Tom, we've been over this. 415 00:13:12,501 --> 00:13:15,212 I'm the scientist. You're the unskilled laborer. 416 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,089 Now start dumping. - Okay, step back. 417 00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:18,840 Let me show you how science works. 418 00:13:18,924 --> 00:13:21,093 A couple fluid ounces of this. 419 00:13:21,176 --> 00:13:22,469 Brandy. 420 00:13:22,553 --> 00:13:24,471 That's weird. It's not erupting. 421 00:13:24,555 --> 00:13:26,390 - Here, here. Let's do this the Nelson way. 422 00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,225 Oh. Whoa. - Oh, no! Oh, no, flames! 423 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:29,685 Oh, no, what's happening? Oh, no! 424 00:13:29,768 --> 00:13:31,436 Everybody run! Run for your lives! 425 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,273 We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! 426 00:13:34,356 --> 00:13:37,401 - Is nobody gonna put out the stupid volcano thing-- 427 00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:39,570 [scoffs] Okay. I guess I'll do it. 428 00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:43,448 [applause] 429 00:13:43,532 --> 00:13:45,200 [horn blares] - Hey, hey, kids. 430 00:13:45,284 --> 00:13:47,619 Your principal called me in to talk about fire safety. 431 00:13:47,703 --> 00:13:50,122 Now, I know I'm not supposed to curse in front of you, 432 00:13:50,205 --> 00:13:51,957 but who knows what a pussy is? 433 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:54,751 - Um, a person like Tom? - What? 434 00:13:54,835 --> 00:13:57,129 - Exactly. Come here, buddy. This little guy right here. 435 00:13:57,212 --> 00:13:58,797 - Oh, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. - He saw the flames. 436 00:13:58,880 --> 00:13:59,840 - Oh, no-- - And he ran. 437 00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:01,133 - You got it all wrong. 438 00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:02,509 I ran to get the fire extinguisher. 439 00:14:02,593 --> 00:14:03,969 I'm a hero. - You fled the scene. 440 00:14:04,052 --> 00:14:05,596 - I fled out of bravery to save everyone. 441 00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:07,014 I fled to save. 442 00:14:07,097 --> 00:14:08,432 - You think that's what Superman does? 443 00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:09,975 You think Superman flies away for a bit 444 00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,393 and then comes back to save? 445 00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:12,644 - I'm sure he does all kind of things. 446 00:14:12,728 --> 00:14:14,313 - Horrible person. Look at him. 447 00:14:14,396 --> 00:14:17,858 Yasmine here, she ran to the flames and saved lives. 448 00:14:17,941 --> 00:14:19,818 Hero. [applause] 449 00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:22,029 - Guys, come on, we-- 450 00:14:22,112 --> 00:14:23,530 all right, tell the dog to relax. 451 00:14:23,614 --> 00:14:25,699 She literally poured iced tea on a volcano. 452 00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:27,200 - Excuse me? 453 00:14:27,284 --> 00:14:29,036 - I'm just saying, hero might be a strong word. 454 00:14:29,119 --> 00:14:30,495 I mean, let's-- - Where I come from, 455 00:14:30,579 --> 00:14:32,789 we have respect for first responders. 456 00:14:32,873 --> 00:14:34,875 - I don't know if I'd call her a first responder. She's-- 457 00:14:34,958 --> 00:14:36,251 - Now you're being disrespectful. 458 00:14:36,335 --> 00:14:37,878 You gotta leave the truck area. 459 00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:39,212 - She took two steps. 460 00:14:39,296 --> 00:14:40,547 I don't wanna leave the truck area. 461 00:14:40,631 --> 00:14:41,506 [dog growling] 462 00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:42,758 - Say you're sorry, 463 00:14:42,841 --> 00:14:44,301 and then get the fuck outta here. 464 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:46,845 - How is there no teacher out here to supervise us? 465 00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:49,598 - Tom, before you do these things, 466 00:14:49,681 --> 00:14:52,559 you need to ask yourself, how will this affect Nelson? 467 00:14:52,643 --> 00:14:54,019 - I know. I shouldn't have run. 468 00:14:54,102 --> 00:14:56,021 I shouldn't have run and screeched. 469 00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:58,940 - Come on, you old piece of pain in the tush! 470 00:14:59,024 --> 00:15:00,776 Ah, sorry for the language kids, 471 00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:02,527 but I can't get this thing into gear. 472 00:15:02,611 --> 00:15:05,656 Mother-bleeping C-word! Stupid B-hole bus. 473 00:15:05,739 --> 00:15:08,533 Get that heinie into gear, you piece of caca! 474 00:15:08,617 --> 00:15:10,202 - I don't think these kid-friendly curses 475 00:15:10,285 --> 00:15:11,662 are really landing. 476 00:15:11,745 --> 00:15:14,414 - Ill rip your ding-a-ling off, you GD bus! 477 00:15:14,498 --> 00:15:17,125 [bus grinding] 478 00:15:17,209 --> 00:15:18,710 Okay, kids, stand back. 479 00:15:18,794 --> 00:15:21,963 I'm igniting a common safety flare. 480 00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:24,174 - Whoa. - Whoa, no need to panic, Tom! 481 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:26,885 - Panic? I-I literally said whoa in a deadpan voice. 482 00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:28,095 - No, Tom panicked. 483 00:15:28,178 --> 00:15:29,554 - I didn't panic. I'm not panicking. 484 00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:31,807 - Don't flee the scene, Tom. [laughter] 485 00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:33,183 - This is the opposite of fleeing. 486 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,810 I'm literally standing here. 487 00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:36,561 - Okay, kids, you stay here by the bus. 488 00:15:36,645 --> 00:15:37,896 Try not to get shot. 489 00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:39,731 Tom, hold this flare. Come over here. 490 00:15:39,815 --> 00:15:41,733 - Okay, more fire. What's up? 491 00:15:41,817 --> 00:15:42,901 - Here's the deal. 492 00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:44,569 I need a new bus. - Okay. 493 00:15:44,653 --> 00:15:47,447 - And you need an opportunity to look like a hero. 494 00:15:47,531 --> 00:15:49,282 - I do need that. 495 00:15:49,366 --> 00:15:50,659 - So tomorrow morning, 496 00:15:50,742 --> 00:15:53,578 we fake an emergency on the school bus. 497 00:15:53,662 --> 00:15:54,871 - Fake emergency? No. 498 00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:56,915 - Picture this: the bus explodes. 499 00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:58,166 You come running in. 500 00:15:58,250 --> 00:15:59,418 - I don't like to run. 501 00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:01,586 - You haul my ass out of the bus. 502 00:16:01,670 --> 00:16:03,255 Everyone will think you're a hero, 503 00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:04,756 and I'll have a new vehicle. 504 00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:07,426 - That sounds abnormally dicey. - Trust me. 505 00:16:07,509 --> 00:16:08,927 I know a guy who could rig it all up. 506 00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:10,595 I mean, we're good. 507 00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:12,889 - Wow, you know a guy who does fake school bus explosions? 508 00:16:12,973 --> 00:16:13,932 That's amazing. 509 00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:15,726 [doorbell rings] 510 00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:17,519 - Oh, what's up, player? I remember you. 511 00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,354 - This is the guy? Glenn? - Hell yeah. 512 00:16:19,438 --> 00:16:21,106 - Oh, you know each other? - You don't remember 513 00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:22,899 he sold me drugs and I shoved them up my butt 514 00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:24,776 and there was a whole scandal? - Yes! 515 00:16:24,860 --> 00:16:26,319 - Anyway, so you know what you're doing here? 516 00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:29,114 You can help with the fake fire and smoke? 517 00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:31,283 - Does a cat have six tits? - Six tits? 518 00:16:31,366 --> 00:16:32,951 I have no idea. Not a cat owner. 519 00:16:33,034 --> 00:16:34,536 - Boom. - Oh, wow. Look at that. 520 00:16:34,619 --> 00:16:36,580 - Worked on a Michael Bay picture back in the day. 521 00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,206 So I know my way around special effects. 522 00:16:38,290 --> 00:16:39,458 - This is impressive stuff. 523 00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:40,584 You rigged all these explosions? 524 00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,002 - Hell yeah, dude. 525 00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:43,462 Renaissance man and shit, you know what I'm saying? 526 00:16:43,545 --> 00:16:45,005 I'm all the ninja turtles wrapped into one. 527 00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:47,132 - He's a wizard, Tom. - You know what's up. 528 00:16:47,215 --> 00:16:48,967 So anyway, here's the plan, dawg. 529 00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:51,470 I'll rig the bus with harmless movie smoke. 530 00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:52,846 - Nice. - And on my cue, 531 00:16:52,929 --> 00:16:54,473 the driver screams, "Run for your lives. 532 00:16:54,556 --> 00:16:56,516 This bitch is gonna blow." That's what's up. 533 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,477 - I question some of the dialogue, but-- 534 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,937 - Anyway, so then Tom says, "Not on my watch. 535 00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:02,397 First responder coming through." 536 00:17:02,481 --> 00:17:03,815 - I like that. 537 00:17:03,899 --> 00:17:05,400 - Then Tom drags you out, and I'll be playing 538 00:17:05,484 --> 00:17:07,194 some type of Aerosmith song in the background. 539 00:17:07,277 --> 00:17:10,322 Boom. Credits roll. Any questions, gentlemen? 540 00:17:10,405 --> 00:17:11,907 - Zero questions. 541 00:17:11,990 --> 00:17:13,283 - Let's just hope for the best. 542 00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:16,328 [dramatic music] 543 00:17:16,411 --> 00:17:18,455 - This is Cobra, your eyes on the ground, over. 544 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,749 - This is Stallion. Radio check, over. 545 00:17:20,832 --> 00:17:23,001 - This is Tom. Radio check, over. 546 00:17:23,084 --> 00:17:24,961 - Tom, use the code names, remember? 547 00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:27,422 I'm Cobra. He's Stallion. You're Louise. 548 00:17:27,506 --> 00:17:28,965 - I feel like I got the worst nickname. 549 00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:31,259 Can I say that? - Please identify yourself. 550 00:17:31,343 --> 00:17:34,763 - Louise in position, over. - Thank you. 551 00:17:34,846 --> 00:17:36,389 All right, guys, it's go time. 552 00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:38,683 And in the off chance the bus does actually explode 553 00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:40,769 and everyone dies, that's my bad. 554 00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:42,896 I apologize in advance. 555 00:17:42,979 --> 00:17:45,482 [machine beeping] 556 00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:48,652 - Help, I'm stuck! The bus is gonna blow! 557 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,321 - Oh, my God, someone's gotta help the bus driver. 558 00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:52,906 - Everyone, relax. 559 00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:55,075 You're in good hands. First responder's on the scene. 560 00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:58,286 - ♪ When a hero comes along ♪ 561 00:17:58,370 --> 00:18:01,373 ♪ And saves a life today ♪ 562 00:18:01,456 --> 00:18:03,250 - Tom just ran into the bus! 563 00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:04,876 - Is this really happening? 564 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:08,547 - Who is playing this music? It is fucking perfect! 565 00:18:08,630 --> 00:18:10,924 - ♪ When a hero comes along ♪ 566 00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:12,843 ♪ You will not forget ♪ 567 00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:15,345 - He's alive! Are you seeing this? 568 00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:17,931 - Whoo, this little guy saved my life. 569 00:18:18,014 --> 00:18:19,558 Thank you, Tom. [cheers and applause] 570 00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:21,434 - You know what, Tom? You're a hero. 571 00:18:21,518 --> 00:18:23,103 - Please, please. Don't call me a hero. 572 00:18:23,186 --> 00:18:25,480 It's just what I do. I run towards fire. 573 00:18:25,564 --> 00:18:27,524 I run towards fire and flames. 574 00:18:28,984 --> 00:18:30,819 - Look at that article. - Thanks, Mom. 575 00:18:30,902 --> 00:18:32,362 This--this is amazing. 576 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:33,905 - Well, I wanted to treat you to something nice. 577 00:18:33,989 --> 00:18:36,283 This is big. I'm, like, an A-list mom now. 578 00:18:36,366 --> 00:18:39,452 - But the hero's mom is usually not the focus of the story. 579 00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:40,912 - Well, it should be 580 00:18:40,996 --> 00:18:42,455 'cause the hero had to come out of the mom. 581 00:18:42,539 --> 00:18:44,749 - Hey, hope you folks enjoyed your meal. 582 00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:47,794 We are so grateful for what your son did. 583 00:18:47,878 --> 00:18:49,629 Can I have everyone's attention, please? 584 00:18:49,713 --> 00:18:50,797 - What are you--what are you-- 585 00:18:50,881 --> 00:18:52,924 - My dad, God rest his soul, 586 00:18:53,008 --> 00:18:56,094 was a first responder like this young man here. 587 00:18:56,177 --> 00:18:58,388 He performed many heroic acts. 588 00:18:58,471 --> 00:18:59,890 Saved an old lady in a kayak once. 589 00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,308 - That's amazing. 590 00:19:01,391 --> 00:19:03,476 - Pulled multiple cats from trees-- 591 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,103 - Multiple cats? 592 00:19:05,187 --> 00:19:08,690 - But he tragically died while trying to deep fry a turkey. 593 00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:09,774 - Oh, what a story. 594 00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:11,276 - So as a tribute to him, 595 00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:14,905 we'd like to offer Tom free meals for life. 596 00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:15,947 [applause] - Wow. 597 00:19:16,031 --> 00:19:17,699 - That's amazing. Thank you. 598 00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:19,868 - This is for you, Dad. - Oh, my God. 599 00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:21,494 Can my mom eat free too? - Well... 600 00:19:21,578 --> 00:19:23,163 - Yes, we'll extend it to the whole family. 601 00:19:23,246 --> 00:19:25,498 - Oh, wow! How about Nelson? Nelson too? 602 00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:27,083 - Is he family? Who's this Nelson? 603 00:19:27,167 --> 00:19:28,543 - He's more of a friend, but, you know-- 604 00:19:28,627 --> 00:19:30,003 - We'll discuss it. - He's in. 605 00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:31,796 We'll make it a friends and family deal. 606 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,465 We'll even name a dish after you. 607 00:19:33,548 --> 00:19:34,883 Anything you want. 608 00:19:34,966 --> 00:19:36,509 - Something cheap. Like, a hot dog, maybe? 609 00:19:36,593 --> 00:19:38,261 - How about something fancy? 610 00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:41,264 Why don't you carve a bust of Tom's head out of meat... 611 00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:43,141 - Wait, what? - Drench it in gravy, 612 00:19:43,225 --> 00:19:44,434 and then light it on fire. 613 00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:46,895 - That sounds insanely expensive. 614 00:19:46,978 --> 00:19:49,272 - In memory of Dad, consider it done. 615 00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:51,483 [cheers and applause] 616 00:19:51,566 --> 00:19:54,486 - Kids, I hope you're enjoying the new B3000 617 00:19:54,569 --> 00:19:57,238 and the fact that Tom saved my life. 618 00:19:57,322 --> 00:19:59,324 Tom, say a few words. 619 00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:02,118 - Hi, glad I could save everyone's lives 620 00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:03,495 and get us a sweet new bus. 621 00:20:03,578 --> 00:20:05,163 I know I put Yasmine's rescue to shame, 622 00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:07,832 but hey, it's not a competition, so thank you. 623 00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:09,668 - I heard you get free food at the diner. 624 00:20:09,751 --> 00:20:11,336 Can we get in on that? - Sorry, Hector. 625 00:20:11,419 --> 00:20:13,004 It's just friends and family, so... 626 00:20:13,088 --> 00:20:15,215 - Wait, are we not friends? - Friends? 627 00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:17,342 I mean, more bus mates. 628 00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:20,220 - So we're all just nameless faces on a bus? 629 00:20:20,303 --> 00:20:21,388 Wow. [all booing] 630 00:20:21,471 --> 00:20:22,681 - Oh, hey. Stop. Stop. 631 00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:24,891 - Eat this, Tom! 632 00:20:24,975 --> 00:20:26,351 - Tom, you're losing the crowd, man. 633 00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:27,727 Tell 'em what they wanna hear. 634 00:20:27,811 --> 00:20:29,396 - All right, you know what? Fine. 635 00:20:29,479 --> 00:20:31,606 If you go to the diner, just tell 'em Tom sent you. 636 00:20:31,690 --> 00:20:33,024 [cheers and applause] 637 00:20:33,108 --> 00:20:36,027 - Hi, I'd like to order the Tom Special, 638 00:20:36,111 --> 00:20:37,404 and can I get that for free? 639 00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:39,614 'Cause my best friend Tom sent me. 640 00:20:39,698 --> 00:20:41,533 - Can I get a flaming meat things for free? 641 00:20:41,616 --> 00:20:43,159 Yeah, I'm friends with the little dude 642 00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:44,828 who did the thing with the bus. 643 00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:46,663 Yeah, I'm also friends with Michael Bay, no big deal. 644 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:50,333 - Hi, I'm friends with Tom and I'm also a first responder. 645 00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:51,710 I put out a volcano. 646 00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:54,671 And so I'd like a Tom Special for free. 647 00:20:55,797 --> 00:20:58,383 So that's a dozen Tom Specials. 648 00:20:58,466 --> 00:20:59,843 All for free. - Yep. 649 00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:01,386 - Since these people are friends and family. 650 00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:03,972 - And Mountain Dews all around, baby. 651 00:21:04,055 --> 00:21:05,390 - [sighs] - Thank you. 652 00:21:05,473 --> 00:21:07,308 You guys are very generous. 653 00:21:07,392 --> 00:21:08,893 Kinda like royalty in this place. 654 00:21:08,977 --> 00:21:10,770 The king of the diner. They treat me nice. 655 00:21:10,854 --> 00:21:14,065 - I can't believe this weasel keeps coming in. 656 00:21:14,149 --> 00:21:15,692 He brought ten friends, Pete. 657 00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:17,819 - She talking about me? - Well, we did make the offer. 658 00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:21,322 - He's double-fisting the most expensive things on the menu. 659 00:21:21,406 --> 00:21:22,866 - Double-fisting? - Calm down, honey. 660 00:21:22,949 --> 00:21:24,951 - Let's just hope he unexpectedly dies 661 00:21:25,035 --> 00:21:26,244 or moves out of town. 662 00:21:26,327 --> 00:21:27,746 - Wow, Tom. Oof. 663 00:21:27,829 --> 00:21:29,789 Man, you really screwing over these nice people. 664 00:21:29,873 --> 00:21:33,126 - She's much friendlier when she's taking the orders. 665 00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:35,211 - I can't believe this is free! 666 00:21:35,295 --> 00:21:36,588 10 pounds of meat 667 00:21:36,671 --> 00:21:38,256 carved into the shape of your son's head? 668 00:21:38,339 --> 00:21:40,925 - Hey, those are the perks of having a hero son. 669 00:21:41,009 --> 00:21:43,094 [door clicks] - Oh, hey, Ma. 670 00:21:43,178 --> 00:21:44,429 What the hell is going on here? 671 00:21:44,512 --> 00:21:46,347 - I started a Free Food Snack Club 672 00:21:46,431 --> 00:21:47,849 for some of the moms. 673 00:21:47,932 --> 00:21:49,601 - What? All right. You know what? That does it. 674 00:21:49,684 --> 00:21:51,478 We need to cut this off. Everybody out. 675 00:21:51,561 --> 00:21:54,189 Party's over. Donate the meat to somebody. 676 00:21:54,272 --> 00:21:55,899 - Ladies, excuse me for a second. 677 00:21:55,982 --> 00:21:57,317 I'm gonna go talk to my son. 678 00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,277 He seems to be having a breakdown. 679 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:00,987 [whispering] Hey, what are you doing? 680 00:22:01,071 --> 00:22:03,656 - Cindy, can you cut off a chunk of Tom's face for me? 681 00:22:04,491 --> 00:22:06,743 - You're gonna come in here and boss your mom? Uh-uh. 682 00:22:06,826 --> 00:22:08,953 - I just don't wanna take advantage of this poor couple. 683 00:22:09,037 --> 00:22:10,455 I mean-- - That's real sweet. 684 00:22:10,538 --> 00:22:11,664 Is that what you want me to tell you right now? 685 00:22:11,748 --> 00:22:13,291 You're a good person. 686 00:22:13,374 --> 00:22:14,793 - I don't want to be the reason they go out of business. 687 00:22:14,876 --> 00:22:16,878 - Ugh, all right. You know what? Fine. 688 00:22:16,961 --> 00:22:19,255 If you want to end this, I have a solution. 689 00:22:21,966 --> 00:22:23,301 Ah, thanks for seeing us. 690 00:22:23,384 --> 00:22:25,929 That blurb you wrote on my son was very nice. 691 00:22:26,012 --> 00:22:27,889 - Well, you got a very brave young man here. 692 00:22:27,972 --> 00:22:29,641 - Tell her what you wanna do, Tom. 693 00:22:29,724 --> 00:22:31,226 - You know, a lot of people are taking advantage 694 00:22:31,309 --> 00:22:32,894 of the diner's free food offer. 695 00:22:32,977 --> 00:22:35,730 So I just wanna put out a county-wide alert that says, 696 00:22:35,814 --> 00:22:37,315 "Tom wants you to knock it off." 697 00:22:37,398 --> 00:22:41,111 - Well, it's no bus rescue, but it is a nice gesture. 698 00:22:41,194 --> 00:22:42,695 I'll put something in the next issue. 699 00:22:42,779 --> 00:22:43,905 It'll be out in two weeks. 700 00:22:43,988 --> 00:22:45,323 - Oh, no, we can't wait two weeks. 701 00:22:45,406 --> 00:22:46,991 No, these people are hemorrhaging money. 702 00:22:47,075 --> 00:22:49,202 - I'm sorry. The paper's biweekly. 703 00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:50,912 And I know biweekly is confusing, 704 00:22:50,995 --> 00:22:52,997 but it's the type where it's two times a month. 705 00:22:53,081 --> 00:22:54,791 - You know what? They'll be fine for two weeks. 706 00:22:54,874 --> 00:22:56,126 Tom wants to do the right thing, 707 00:22:56,209 --> 00:22:58,044 but he also wants that blurb. 708 00:22:58,128 --> 00:23:00,588 My boy likes his blurbs, you know? 709 00:23:00,672 --> 00:23:03,967 [keys clacking] - [sighs] 710 00:23:04,050 --> 00:23:05,552 Pete, this has gone too far. 711 00:23:05,635 --> 00:23:06,678 We have to rescind the offer. 712 00:23:06,761 --> 00:23:08,680 - Amanda, I gave Tom my word. 713 00:23:08,763 --> 00:23:10,306 I can't just dishonor my father like that. 714 00:23:10,390 --> 00:23:11,683 - I'm going through these receipts. 715 00:23:11,766 --> 00:23:13,101 We're going out of business. 716 00:23:13,184 --> 00:23:14,519 - What do you mean, we're going out business? 717 00:23:14,602 --> 00:23:17,856 - Just the gravy is $15,000. 718 00:23:17,939 --> 00:23:20,567 - I cannot rescind this offer, Amanda. 719 00:23:20,650 --> 00:23:23,361 It's for my father, who died. 720 00:23:23,444 --> 00:23:25,029 - [sighs] If that's how you feel. 721 00:23:25,113 --> 00:23:26,531 There's only one other option. 722 00:23:26,614 --> 00:23:29,033 - Change the beef to some type of hot dog meat? 723 00:23:29,117 --> 00:23:31,077 - No, I was thinking burn down the restaurant 724 00:23:31,161 --> 00:23:33,288 and collect the insurance money. 725 00:23:33,371 --> 00:23:36,082 - Wow, you really take things too far. 726 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:38,960 - Tom, this is your best blurb yet. 727 00:23:39,043 --> 00:23:41,045 - It's pretty good. - Read it to me. 728 00:23:41,129 --> 00:23:44,549 - "A local boy named Tom has graciously declined 729 00:23:44,632 --> 00:23:47,135 "to accept free food at a local restaurant. 730 00:23:47,218 --> 00:23:50,722 "When asked if he sees himself as a hero, Tom boasted, 731 00:23:50,805 --> 00:23:53,558 'Abso-freaking-lutely. It's what I do.'" 732 00:23:53,641 --> 00:23:56,561 - As a mom, this is what it's all about, Tommy. 733 00:23:56,644 --> 00:23:58,313 - This was worth the wait, I gotta say. 734 00:23:58,396 --> 00:24:00,398 - [sobbing] 735 00:24:00,481 --> 00:24:03,193 [thunder rumbling] 736 00:24:03,276 --> 00:24:05,445 Are you sure we can't just refinance or something? 737 00:24:05,528 --> 00:24:07,071 - Pete, I already started the fire. 738 00:24:07,155 --> 00:24:09,532 Now is not the time. [horn honks] 739 00:24:09,616 --> 00:24:11,701 - Hey. - Hey, we're kinda busy here. 740 00:24:11,784 --> 00:24:13,995 - Oh, no, don't worry. I'm not here for free food. 741 00:24:14,078 --> 00:24:15,580 I actually have great news. 742 00:24:15,663 --> 00:24:17,707 - "Local hero graciously stops accepting handouts, 743 00:24:17,790 --> 00:24:20,710 asks friends to repay diner for free meals"? 744 00:24:20,793 --> 00:24:21,961 That's amazing! 745 00:24:22,045 --> 00:24:23,171 But why didn't you tell us sooner? 746 00:24:23,254 --> 00:24:24,756 - Oh, Tom wanted to get a blurb 747 00:24:24,839 --> 00:24:26,549 in the local paper, and it's biweekly. 748 00:24:26,633 --> 00:24:29,928 - It would have helped to have this information sooner. 749 00:24:30,011 --> 00:24:31,554 - Wait, what--what is that? Is that smoke? 750 00:24:31,638 --> 00:24:33,848 - Tom, run in and get the fire extinguisher. 751 00:24:33,932 --> 00:24:35,099 [smoke alarm beeping] - Me? No. 752 00:24:35,183 --> 00:24:36,643 - Of course you. - Wait. 753 00:24:36,726 --> 00:24:38,478 - What happened to your courage? Get in there! 754 00:24:38,561 --> 00:24:39,854 - That was a bus. This is a diner. 755 00:24:39,938 --> 00:24:41,272 It's a whole different interface. 756 00:24:41,356 --> 00:24:42,690 - Just go in there and save it 757 00:24:42,774 --> 00:24:44,192 just like you saved the school bus. 758 00:24:44,275 --> 00:24:45,652 - I can't do it. My mom simply won't allow it. 759 00:24:45,735 --> 00:24:46,903 - I'm good with it. 760 00:24:46,986 --> 00:24:48,196 I wanna see you in action, buddy. 761 00:24:48,279 --> 00:24:50,114 - Mom, come on. - I'll do it! 762 00:24:50,198 --> 00:24:51,366 - Oh, no. 763 00:24:51,449 --> 00:24:53,743 - ♪ When a hero comes along ♪ 764 00:24:53,826 --> 00:24:55,745 ♪ And saves a life today ♪ 765 00:24:55,828 --> 00:24:57,622 - They're playing my song. That's my song. 766 00:24:57,705 --> 00:25:00,667 - Out of my way, Tom. - Whoa. Oh, this is not good. 767 00:25:00,750 --> 00:25:02,585 She's gonna die. [fire extinguisher blows] 768 00:25:02,669 --> 00:25:05,296 - All good. Just a small grease fire. 769 00:25:05,380 --> 00:25:08,258 [applause] - You are a hero. 770 00:25:08,341 --> 00:25:09,884 - Thank you. Thank you. 771 00:25:09,968 --> 00:25:12,136 - Not to be petty, but technically, I responded first. 772 00:25:12,220 --> 00:25:13,638 - What? 773 00:25:13,721 --> 00:25:15,431 - Sure, I didn't do anything, but I did respond. 774 00:25:15,515 --> 00:25:16,975 At least give me credit for that. 775 00:25:17,058 --> 00:25:19,018 - ♪ Remember there's more road ♪ 776 00:25:19,102 --> 00:25:21,104 ♪ And places to go ♪ 777 00:25:21,187 --> 00:25:23,231 ♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪ 778 00:25:23,314 --> 00:25:25,066 ♪ More people to fornicate ♪ 779 00:25:25,149 --> 00:25:28,194 ♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪ 780 00:25:28,278 --> 00:25:29,862 ♪ Supplying the proof ♪ 781 00:25:29,946 --> 00:25:33,491 ♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪ 782 00:25:33,574 --> 00:25:37,537 ♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪ 783 00:25:37,620 --> 00:25:41,666 ♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪ 784 00:25:41,749 --> 00:25:45,878 ♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪ 785 00:25:45,962 --> 00:25:47,839 ♪ The sweet silver lining ♪ 786 00:25:47,922 --> 00:25:50,049 ♪ Through you she lives on ♪ 787 00:25:50,133 --> 00:25:53,970 ♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪ 788 00:25:54,053 --> 00:25:58,474 ♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪