- OMG, look at this little munchkin.
- Oh, hey, Mrs. Band.
- This is so cute I'm gonna barf.
- I'm trying to help my Mom pay her electric bill.
I need $100.
- He's got a hook, ladies and gentlemen.
Wow, you marketing genius.
Well, how much have you made so far?
- Zilch. You're my first customer.
- "Zilch," he says. This kid with the lingo.
Look at you.
You're adorable, you're hilarious,
and you've got an eye for business.
- I rarely get this much positive feedback.
- Well, maybe you found your calling.
I am honored to give you your very first dollar.
- Thank you so much. Do you want a large or a small?
- You know what? I don't even want the lemonade.
That's how much I believe in you, you cutie patootie.
- This is literally the best interaction
I've ever had with a person.
- Get used to it, hun. You're going to the top.
- I really found my calling. Finally nailing it.
[EDM playing]
- Tombo. - Oh, hey, Rick, the neighbor.
- What do you got going on, buddy?
The old lemonade stand, huh? - Yeah.
You know, everyone seems pretty impressed.
- Really?
Tom, do you know what the word "patronizing" means?
- No, it doesn't sound good. - No, it's not good.
In the real world, you would get slaughtered.
- Slaughtered?
- They would tear you a new a-hole.
- Mo--most people would have been more encouraging.
- Most people are idiots, Tom.
I'm in advertising, okay? I make a lot of money.
- Okay. - I bang a lot of chicks.
And I've literally got Clio Awards coming out of my butt.
Tell me, do me a favor and just check.
- Check what? - Whoops. Oh, what was that?
Did another Clio Award just come out of my butt?
'Cause I've got too many.
- You carry one with you just to make that joke?
- Tom, why don't you come into my agency one day?
I will have my team give you the tips on the lemonade stand
like you were a real client.
Does that sound fun?
- I mean, fun is a strong word.
I could use the help, though. I'll ask my mom.
- Okay, great. You know what? First, let's take a pic.
Ready? Rick pic if you will.
- Rick pic? - Say,
"My lemonade stand sucked balls
until Rick swooped in and saved the day."
- I'm not gonna say that. [camera shutter clicks]
- I love mentoring kids.
There's--you know, there's no better feeling in the world.
- ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪
♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪
♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪
♪ I present no explanations ♪
♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪
♪ To satiate for long ♪
♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪
- Guys, tiny little Tom here is my neighbor's kid
and I promised that we would help him.
So let's treat him like a real client, okay?
- Happy to have you, Tom. Welcome.
- Jerry, please shut up.
Little Tommy, Margaret here is our star creative director.
Mags, give Tom your first impressions.
- Well, your table's great.
And the name is fun. - Thank you.
- The only part I struggle with is right here.
- The Tom part? - You got it, the Tom part.
[buzzer blares]
You have a face that screams "I make bad lemonade."
- Bad lemonade? - It says,
"I'm making an inferior product
and I don't really care."
- Thanks, Jerry. I got this. - Sorry.
- Just to be clear,
you guys are doing this to be nice or mean?
- Guys, flag on the play, let me step in here.
Jerry, dim the lights and grab me a cookie.
- Sure thing, boss.
- Tom, what is lemonade?
Don't answer, please. Thank you.
Is it just a beverage or is it so much more?
Maybe it's a reminder of a simpler time.
[sentimental music] Lightning bugs.
Putting a card in the spoke of the wheels of your bike.
A time when neighbors knew each other by name.
And the sound of children's laughter
wafted through the air.
- So true. - Damn it, Jerry, please.
Not when I'm going.
- Oh, sorry.
- Tom, you need to offer people a window to that time.
Like a comforting voice that says,
"It's going to be okay."
What you need is an old man.
- Yes. Love it.
- Jerry like-y that. - Old man.
That's the whole--that's the whole idea? You're done?
- Tom, this is what we do for a living.
Now, normally, we would charge $100,000 for that.
Great meeting, guys. Really good.
- Thanks for doing this, Grandpa.
I really appreciate you helping out.
- Oh, thank you for including me.
This is gonna be so much fun.
- Just be yourself, chat people up.
Our brand is all about the simpler times.
- It's my strong suit. - Hey, Ms. Munoz.
- Hello. What's this? A new employee?
- This is my adorable grandpa.
- So nice to meet you. - Let me tell you a story.
- Okay. - I had a lemonade stand
on this very block back in 1960.
I charged a nickel.
- Mm. - My slogan was,
"I like Ike, and you will like my lemonade."
- I love it.
What a great story. - That's folky.
That's folksy stuff right there.
- Give me two cups. - Wow, it's actually working.
We're up to $10. $90 to go.
- Denise, isn't this the cutest lemonade stand ever?
- It's so sweet. I'm putting this on Instagram.
- I once dated a girl named Denise.
High school sweetheart. - Oh.
- Had a caboose on her that wouldn't quit.
Just like you. Ho-ho-ho.
- Did you just touch my rear end?
- Wait, what? - Oh, no.
I was just jabbering on about my old sweetheart.
- Oh, uh-uh, uh-uh. No, I saw it.
He grabbed her rear end and squeezed it.
What the hell, Tom?
- He's just being folksy. He's being folksy.
It's like--like in the good old days.
- [scoffs] The good old days when people
just molested each other on the street?
- It's a compliment.
"A caboose that won't quit" is a good thing.
- Grandpa. Stop saying caboose. - You know what?
Don't stop. Don't stop what you're doing.
The world is watching you, old man, so--
- Please don't record anything. - What's going on?
- Oh, we see you.
- Why are all these broads recording me?
- Oh, my God. - Oh, we "broads" now.
Okay. - All right. You know what?
We're--we're gonna close up for the day.
All sold out, swing on back tomorrow.
- Wait, wait, wait. I'm confused.
Did he say caboose
or did he actually touch someone's caboose?
- He said caboose, then he--
he did a full palm grab of a woman's rear end.
- Like a basketball? - It looked like it.
It's on camera. The whole thing is--
- Oh, my gosh. - It's terrible.
- Tom, I don't think you're cut out for the business world.
- I know. I'm shutting it down. I wanted to help my mom,
but that's just not gonna happen.
- Tom, don't give up so easy.
A lemonade stand
is a time-honored childhood tradition.
- Not with me.
You gotta shut it this time. You gotta shut your mouth.
- Tom, I know you're stressed
and I know you're on the edge ready to jump--don't do it.
- Tom & Gramps is all over social media.
They're calling us two generations of molesters.
- Yes, I did see that and it doesn't look good.
But all you need to do is pivot.
The butt grab, where'd that happen?
Tom & Gramps. - Yeah.
- So change the name.
Something vague like T&G's.
- What do you mean?
You could just change the name and keep running the business?
- Yeah, of course. RadioShack is now "The Shack."
Kentucky Fried Chicken is now KFC.
The mercenary group, Blackwater is Academi.
- This is great. - Yeah. T&G's Lemonade.
"The only thing we squeeze are the lemons."
- Oh, my God. I love it. - Thank you.
- Nelson, you wanna join the company?
- Sure. But you gotta make me a board member.
I'm not a front counter apron-wearing type of guy.
- All right. You're on the board.
Hey, Principal, you awake?
- Yes. What do you mean "am I awake?"
- Some people sleep with their eyes open.
- We wanna buy some airtime
during the morning announcements, can we do that?
- Yeah. Like Buick and Grey Goose.
- You know, to be honest with you, it feels wrong,
but I do really admire your guys' hustle.
So I'll give you 30 seconds. That's it.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Hey, gang, it's your principal here.
The following is a paid ad, okay?
It's frowned upon. It's illegal.
And if you could just not say anything to your parents,
I'll do you something good on the other side.
- [clears throat] Thank you and greetings.
As you may have heard, my grandpa recently grabbed
and squeezed the rear end of our school nurse.
- And this does not reflect the core values of our brand.
- My grandpa has been sidelined and I just want you
to feel comfortable when you come on in.
No one's gonna make a lunge for your butt.
It's just going to be a tasty lemonade
'cause that's the way we do it at T&G's.
- Where the only thing we squeeze are the lemons.
- Guys, seriously? That was impressive.
- Thank you. Well, we're learning a lot about business.
- Maybe I'll invest in you like that show "Shark Tank."
- Really?
- Well, I was kidding, but I mean, why not?
I like to encourage things like this.
And I got a lot of extra money from those
morning announcements, so here's 100 bucks.
- You're just giving us $100? - Yes.
All I want is my name on the door.
"The Principal." - I don't know about that.
No, you know, if we had a door, we--we'd accommodate this,
but we don't, there's no door.
This is amazing. I made my $100.
I can quit now and pay my Mom's bill.
- Quit? We can't quit.
We got to use this money to scale up.
- Scale up? - Yeah.
Let me introduce you to a concept they call "flipping."
- You're gonna flip lemonade stands.
- That's right.
- Put our branding on it and then sell it.
- And then we gonna buy two more.
And then we're gonna sell those two,
and then we gonna buy four.
- I actually like this plan. - That's right.
- All right. Let's flip lemonade stands.
[upbeat music]
- No slouching, Phil.
At T&G's, we stand tall. Bob, tuck your shirt in.
Where you think you at, McDonald's?
- Yeah. Tuck it in, please.
- It's so crazy how people could be so stupid.
- Yasmine, look alive. - Hey, that's salt.
That's not sugar, that's salt. Don't put that in there.
- Well, yeah, his grandpa is still alive.
It's just that he's been phased out of the daily operations.
You know, there was just so much groping going on.
Tushes and hands, tushes and hands.
It was like boop, boop, boop. - Hector, Hector.
Hey, we don't mention the Grandpa incident.
That was in the past, okay? Whole new company.
- Sorry, boss. - Thank you. All right.
Back to work. Back to work, everyone.
I can't believe we own a chain of lemonade stands.
We've doubled our investment.
- Hey, stick with me.
You'll be paying electric bills for complete strangers.
- Paying electric bills for strangers?
That doesn't really even interest me, does it?
- Tombo. - There he is. There's Rick.
- Other guy. How's your lemonade stand?
- Oh, we're not selling lemonade.
We're selling lemonade "franchises."
- It's great. - Tom, I'm blown away,
but can I offer a tiny bit of constructive criticism?
- Please don't criticize my face again.
- No one's doing brick and mortar these days, okay?
I would lose the lemonade stands.
- That's the whole thing. That's the whole business.
- The real money, guys, is in "licensing" the brand.
- No, I don't know. I'm--I don't know about that.
- Okay. My agency has the Trader Joe's account,
and they make these deals all the time.
I could set you up with a pitch meeting.
- Tom, we can make money in our sleep.
- I feel like I'm wealthy enough, at this point.
I made my sales goal. Plus, I'm pretty busy.
- Tom, from what I can tell, you play whiffle ball
and you chase squirrels. You're not a busy person.
- Oh, no, Rick, please.
Things like that, that's why my mom calls you "The Douche."
I'm not sure about this decision, Nelson.
I had the $100
and we spent it all on power ties.
- Come on, Tom. You need to spend money to make money.
When they see our power ties, they're gonna be like,
"Whoa, these guys mean business."
- Yeah. But when they see my Mom--
- Excuse me, do you guys have a suggestion box here?
Because I bought a party size of bagel bites
and it was not enough for a party.
- Yeah, your Mom kind of kills the power vibe, man.
We--we're gonna need to work around her.
Now, let's go close this deal. Just let me do all the talking.
[laughter]
- I have to admit, guys, this is so fun.
- Thank you. - I mean, two friends
inspired by their grandpas?
I mean, this is our brand DNA right here.
- I came up with the name and the slogan,
"The only thing we squeeze are the lemons."
- I love it. I love it. So what does he do?
- Oh, Tom doesn't talk in meetings.
- You know, sometimes I say dumb things.
It kind of runs in the family. - [laughs]
It's adorable. What a pair. Okay. Wait.
So I wanna start back at the beginning.
Why Trader Joe's? - Why?
Well, it's all about corporate synergy. See--
- We even use your lemonade in this--in this whole thing.
- Tom, don't do it.
- I'm sorry. Come again.
- We actually-- - Tom, stop.
- Nelson, please, I got this. Don't touch the mouth.
We use Trader Joe's lemonade to make our--
we just pour it in and then we--
- Hold on. So this is our product?
- This is news to me. - Yeah.
Why are we not laughing anymore? What's going on?
- Why would we license our own product back from ourselves?
- Oh, no, no. We water it down.
- Tom. - Oh, that's even better.
So you are selling me back a diluted version of my product.
Is that it?
- I mean, when you phrase it like that,
it sounds like a bad business deal, but--
- Okay. Well, thanks for coming in.
Feel free to show yourselves out.
[door slams] - Okay.
I think you were right. I should not do the talking.
No one in my family should ever do the talking.
♪ ♪
[laundry machines thunking]
- High heat? Oh, please.
No, I'd rather have it with no heat.
Why is that an option?
- Mom?
- All it does is make me wonder,
"Should I do with no heat?"
- Mom. - What?
- You know how to do laundry, right?
- Pfft, I'm a mom. I know how to do laundry.
- My pants have been pretty tight lately.
I think maybe you're overdrying them by, like, a good hour.
- Tom, did you ever stop
and think maybe you're just becoming morbidly obese?
- Mom, you know I'm not obese.
- I look into your eyes sometimes and I think,
"Is he gonna one day
have to get airlifted out of his own bathroom?"
- Why don't we just buy me some new pants?
At least I'll be comfortable.
- Oh, it's that easy.
We just stroll out of the laundry shop...
- Laundry shop? - And we just go
and casually buy a nice pair of Z. Cavariccis.
What is wrong with this thing? Ugh!
This thing ate my quarter.
- You really shouldn't be doing that here.
- Oh, please, buddy. Get off my nuts.
- Girl, let's get some meat on those bones.
How about a little extra cheese on those cheese fries?
- Oh, so good. You're the best, Lunch Lady.
- Aww, go on. You go on now.
- Lunch lady! Whoo!
Let me get two foot-long chili dogs.
- Oh, God bless you, Nelson.
My little hungry, hungry hippo over here.
- [chewing loudly] - [laughs]
- Hi there. - Mm.
- Can I just get a small apple juice?
- A what now? - Small apple juice, please.
I brown-bagged it, so I don't need any food.
- You don't need any--any cheese?
- Cheese on my apple juice?
- I can't get you a--a cookie?
- Just the juice, no cheese or anything.
- [sighs] Can someone get this idiot a small apple juice?
- I'm feeling my banter wasn't as much fun as everyone else's.
I'm a hungry hippo.
- Tom, it was awfully nice of you to stop by.
- All right. You're the best, Lunch Lady.
- Okay. Bye-bye now.
- Oh, man. - Nelson, keep walking.
- Hey, dudes. - Don't look left.
- Hey, dudes, over here. - Hey, Hector.
- Hey, sit down. - Listen.
- Um... - Um...
We--we decided to move on.
We might mix up the table arrangement.
- Yeah, we're trying to upgrade to a cooler table.
- Guys, this is a major betrayal.
- Hector, please. - We have inside jokes.
- Hector. - We already have a table name.
You know, The Three Amigos, Plus Randy.
- No one calls us that.
- No one call--even Randy doesn't call--look at him.
He don't even acknowledge us.
I've never seen anybody chew applesauce before.
- Guys.
- Hector, don't make it so dramatic.
- No. I'm not making it dramatic, but I will say this.
You will rue the day that you decided to abandon Hector.
[dramatic music]
- All right, fair enough.
- I think we will take our chances.
- And then, like, he has the nerve
to ask me for, like, my chocolate milk.
- Hey, Dakota.
- Whoo-whoo. What's up? What's up?
- Oh, hi, Tom. - Hey.
- Hi, Nelson.
Everyone, this is--this is Tom and Nelson. I know them.
- Okay. - We thought we'd sit.
We thought we'd join you guys.
- Uh, you want to sit here? - Yeah.
- With us? - I don't feel good about this.
- That is a yes. Oh, I'm Nelson, by the way.
I'm a, what you might call the fun one out of the duo.
You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah. - [laughs] Whoo!
- I feel like this banter is really flowing.
- Can I have a word, Tom?
- Oh, hey, Lunch Lady, not a great time, actually.
- I've been thinking about this brown-bag thing.
Are my cooking skills not up to your standards anymore?
- Oh, no. It's not you. You're great.
My mom just thinks, you know,
with the kind of food they make you serve,
that you're part of the problem.
- Oh, I'm part of the problem, am I?
- Her words, not mine.
- I'm part of the problem?
- Tom, why are you being so mean?
- Mean? - Yeah. Who even is this guy?
- I said her words, not mine. They're not my words.
- Ugh.
- Tom, I devote my whole life to you kids.
And this is the thanks I get? I'm going home.
- Oh, no. Please. Please.
- Now, you have some extra cheese and it's on the house.
- Wow. - Like I was saying,
I'm the fun one out of the duo.
I didn't even really know this dude.
We met on the bus.
- Wait, you said what to the lunch lady?
- I mean, I might've said she was part of the problem
if that--that set her off.
- You said that?
- I was just repeating what you said.
I've heard you say things like that.
- No, no, no. Look, I said all that behind her back.
- Look, the woman has been working here for 20 years.
You're a human being.
Why would you wanna tear her a new a-hole like that?
- I didn't tear anyone a new a-hole.
I'm not even allowed to say a-hole.
- No, you're not. - Right? It's a forbidden word.
- It's a forbidden word.
And you're gonna get punished for saying it just now.
- He said it. I was repeating what he said.
- Yeah. Well, his mom can punish him.
- My mom's dead. - I'm sorry, Principal.
- Sorry to hear that.
- Here's how it's gonna go down.
You're gonna walk over to the lunch lady's house
and you're gonna apologize in person.
- Look at you. Great parenting. I'm impressed.
- Oh, I'm not finished.
As a reminder of what you've done,
you can't wash the cheese out of your hair for a month.
- All right. Is it just me, or is that a bit much?
- Yeah, it's a bit much.
[bus horn honks]
- Whew.
Thanks for waiting. Thank you guys.
- Man, what's up with the big card, Tom?
- I have to apologize to the lunch lady,
so I made an oversized card.
- Wow. Look, you got a lot of people to sign.
- Oh, no. Those are fake. I signed them myself.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You didn't sign for me. Did you?
- Yeah. You wrote, "Thinking of you, Lunch Lady,
during these troubled times. Signed, Sweet Nelson."
- Come on, man! You think I talk like that?
I'd have at least written something funny.
- She's not even gonna read it.
- This is bad for my brand right here.
- Hey, you didn't sign for me, did you?
- I believe I did. Yeah.
You wrote, "Hey, ho, Lunch Lady--"
- What? - "You da bomb.
Signed, Crazy D."
- Crazy D? - I wrote these quickly.
I wrote these very quickly.
- Why didn't you just ask me to sign it myself?
- Oh, I don't have time to be going around
asking people to sign a greeting card.
- But you had time to forge all of our signatures.
- Tom, what are you doing here?
- You know, I just wanted to say sorry, clear the air.
In retrospect, you're not part of the problem. I am.
- Damn right. Can I--can I come in?
- Okay, fine. Come in.
- All right. So to show how sorry I am,
and to show what a wonderful kid I am,
I made this oversized greeting card.
- [gasps] Oh, my God.
- There must be like 200 signatures on that, baby.
Look at this. - Isn't that sweet?
- Wait. "You're the best Lunch Lady."
"Lunch Lady, come back." "Number one Lunch Lady."
There's literally no one in this school know my first name?
- We all know your name. Obviously, we just--
- What is it?
- We prefer to call you Lunch Lady is all I'm saying,
despite knowing your name.
- What's my first name?
- Pretty sure it's either Becky or Brenda or Barb, right?
- Becky? - Unbelievable.
Where's my ladle?
- Calm down, girl. - No.
- See, this kid is pushing my buttons, no.
- It's just a--baby, it's just a greeting card.
- All right, listen, let's all slow down.
Obviously, they want you back.
Why don't you say yes, but ask for,
I don't know, a raise or something?
both: Hm. - Now, that is a good idea.
- Right? - It's a great idea.
- Tell the Principal you love Tom's card,
you wanna come back,
but here's-- here are your terms.
- I might just do that. You know, you're a good kid.
Why--why don't you stay for dinner?
- I'd love to. Do you have any kind of like
whole wheat sandwiches and bananas?
- Whole wheat? - You know what?
Let's--let's just do dinner some other time, okay?
- I'm proud of you, buddy. - Thanks, Mom.
- You apologized to the Lunch Lady.
And now, I'm gonna wash the cheese out of your hair.
- It's a big day.
And you don't wannna do this in the tub or the shower?
- Oh, no, no, no.
I don't want cheese in my drain.
- All right, just start spraying me down, I guess.
[phone chimes]
- Hang on one sec. Hello?
- Hi, this is the Principal.
- Hi. Oh, hi, Principal. Sorry.
- Listen. I just got a call from our lunch lady
and she is making all type of like crazy demands.
Something about the health benefits and fair wages.
So I wanted to see if you might be interested.
- In what? - In being the new lunch lady.
- You want me to be the lunch lady?
- Lunch lady? Oh, no. We already have a lunch lady.
- I was very impressed with you
the way you handled Tom the other day.
That whole cheese thing, I mean, that's real tough love.
- Thank you. I would love to be the lunch lady.
I need the money. I love bossing kids around.
This is perfect.
- Not qualified. Not qualified.
- Do I need a certification or what--
- No. Stop it.
You just stand there with a ladle and a hairnet.
And as long as you're not an ex-con, you're hired.
- For argument's sake, let's say I'm not an ex-con.
Count me in.
- Oh, this is not good.
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- What's up?
- I've been waiting for, like, 10 minutes.
- Okay. Sorry, kid.
I mean, I just-- I just turned the oven on,
and it's, like, you expect me to wake up at 11:00 a.m.
and get the oven going really early or something.
It's just not gonna happen.
- What happened to the old lunch lady? You're mean.
- When your husband runs away to Myrtle Beach
and starts nailing a slut,
and they stay out till 4:00 at "Da Club"
and she's grinding her butt into his crotch,
I think you'd be mean too.
- How did you get hired here?
- Hi, kid. What?
- Here we are at the old table. - Hey, hey.
- Sorry. Before you sit, no room today.
- Wait, what? - Full up.
- Whoa. Was it all small talk? I mean, we could dial down
the Tom stuff and dial up the Nelson stuff.
- Yeah, we can dial down the Tom.
- Nelson, it is not you. It's Tom's mom.
She's ruining lunch for everyone.
- Oh, no. She's--my mom's pretty solid.
Everyone seems to like her.
- Who? Who likes her?
- What's wrong with her, specifically?
- She takes forever to fulfill your order.
- Okay.
- She threw broccoli at my face.
She could have killed me. I could have died.
- I mean, come on.
You can't die from broccoli wounds.
- She didn't even have the oven on when lunch started.
- That's it? Lazy, mean, and unprepared?
- I'm sorry, Tom.
Until you resolve this, you can't sit with us.
- Oh, this is bad. Look, Tom, your mom got to go.
- Go where? - Outta here.
She's like the Fredo of the cafeteria.
- Fredo? Who's that? Famous lunch lady?
- [sighs]
I don't even know why we're friends.
[bus horn honks]
- Hey, Hector, buddy. Listen, we got a favor to ask.
- Oh, all of a sudden I'm everybody's pal and buddy, huh?
- We're staging a coup against my mom to get her fired
and we kind of need your help.
- Okay. Okay. [laughs]
- Her main weakness is her failure to wear the hairnet.
That's gonna be her downfall.
- Oh, tell me more.
- I'm gonna collect her hair-- a sample of her hair,
and then we need you to choke on it.
- And then I'll come and give you the Heimlich.
- Okay.
- She'll get canned, boom. - Yeah.
- We're all heroes, and guess what?
All three of us amigos would be sitting at the cool table.
- Nice.
- What do you think? What do you say?
- I like that. Yeah, I'm in. One condition, though, guys.
I want to be the Heimlich guy, okay?
- No. - No. No, no.
- Absolutely not.
- You just don't look like the kind of person that would
come in and save someone, you look like--
- You look like somebody that choked.
- Yeah, in a movie, you'd be the guy
who chokes and dies early on.
- Wait, wait, wait. I'm not gonna die in this.
- No, that's the type. That's the character type.
- That's your arc. [school bell rings]
- Okay, guys, huddle up. It's game time.
- Yes, sir. - Here's the hair.
- Okay. - You stuff it in your food.
When you're ready, just work the space.
- Oh, trust me, I'll work the space.
- Make some good sounds. Choke it up--
- Quick--quick question, sorry.
If--if I actually choke and die, you guys won't sit
at the cool table without me, will you?
- It would be in poor taste, but who knows?
- Let's cross that bridge when we come to it.
For now, just wait for my signal.
[tense music]
[quacking]
- Is that the signal, Tom? - I don't know.
We didn't rehearse that. Just start doing it.
I think that's it.
- Oops. Oops. Arghhh!
- Oh, no. Hey, hey, Hector's choking.
I think he's choking on my mom's hair.
- Somebody call the nurse. - I'm choking!
[grunting]
- Guys. Come on, pay attention here.
Our friend is--he's literally dying.
Hector, dial it down. No one believes it's real.
- Everybody stand back.
Hector, I'm going to Heimlich you. Turn around.
All right. Ready?
[dramatic music]
- Oh, no. Hector. Hector, are you dead?
- What's going on?
Why does something always have to happen?
- Here's what we know.
Hector choked on my mother's hair.
She failed to wear the hairnet as instructed.
- Hang on, hang on. Get up, Hector.
- Ah! - Oh, wow. He's alive.
What a close call.
- Tom, is this a coup? - Coup?
- Are you doing a coup right now?
Are you trying to get me fired?
- What makes you even suggest something like that?
- I guess it's mostly that you're holding a bag that says,
"Mom's hair for the coup."
- Tom, that is a new low.
You're trying to get your own mom fired?
- Why is everyone looking at me?
- 'Cause you did it. - 'Cause I did it?
'Cause I am the one who did the whole thing?
- Who should we be looking at? - I guess, yeah, on that level,
I don't come across looking great.
- Who do you think you are? - I tried to warn you guys.
- All right, guys.
Don't leave on that note. Come on.
- Tom, listen. You know that I love you.
- Okay.
- And as a mom, I totally forgive you.
- Thank you. That's a nice way to end it.
- But as a lunch lady,
I have no choice right now but to do this.
- Oh, no.
- You're gonna thank me someday for that.
- That was for my wife. That's her signature move.
You really shouldn't be ripping that off.
[tender music]
- Oh, this is actually a nice--
nice mother-son moment.
- ♪ Remember there's more road ♪
♪ And places to go ♪
♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪
♪ More people to fornicate ♪
♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪
♪ Supplying the proof ♪
♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪
♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪
♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪
♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪
♪ The sweet silver lining ♪
♪ Through you she lives on ♪
♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪