1 00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:05,882 [birds squawking] 2 00:00:05,965 --> 00:00:08,760 - Okay, kids, as you know, 3 00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:13,055 our spelling bee team is heading on to regionals! 4 00:00:13,139 --> 00:00:17,310 So let's bring them out to show our support. 5 00:00:17,393 --> 00:00:22,482 First up is... Dakota. 6 00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:24,275 And Nelson. 7 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,319 - Is Mr. B. okay? He seems very worked up. 8 00:00:26,402 --> 00:00:31,115 - Give it up for Hector. And Suzie! 9 00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:33,993 And our team captain... 10 00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:38,372 Rahul! He ain't no tool! 11 00:00:38,456 --> 00:00:40,208 - Rahul's in the house! 12 00:00:40,291 --> 00:00:41,751 - This is for the spelling bee team? 13 00:00:41,834 --> 00:00:43,127 - Biggest brain on the block, 14 00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:44,670 pre-med out the womb. - Okay, Rahul. 15 00:00:44,754 --> 00:00:46,881 Quiet down, I have something I wanna say. 16 00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:48,800 Now, listen, as proud as I am of you guys, 17 00:00:48,883 --> 00:00:51,636 this year we wanna just have a little bit more diversity 18 00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:54,430 on the team. - You can't be serious. 19 00:00:54,514 --> 00:00:57,475 The team couldn't be more diverse. 20 00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:59,018 - Okay, that is true. 21 00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:01,103 But I'm talking about intellectual diversity. 22 00:01:01,187 --> 00:01:03,564 I just don't think events like these should be reserved 23 00:01:03,648 --> 00:01:05,900 just wealthy and smart families. 24 00:01:05,983 --> 00:01:09,529 - So you want dumb kids on the spelling bee team? 25 00:01:09,612 --> 00:01:11,405 - No, not like, super dumb. 26 00:01:11,489 --> 00:01:13,074 Just, like, you know, average dumb. 27 00:01:13,157 --> 00:01:16,202 Like a little sprinkle of dumbness on a regular kid. 28 00:01:16,285 --> 00:01:18,329 Like Tom dumb. - "Tom dumb"? 29 00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:20,498 Oh no, leave me out of this. - Tom, Tom, the path 30 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,583 to all Ivy Leagues schools starts here. 31 00:01:22,667 --> 00:01:24,460 - I can't imagine I'm gonna go to college. 32 00:01:24,544 --> 00:01:26,921 - Your school needs you. They're chanting your name. 33 00:01:27,004 --> 00:01:28,422 - Are they? No one's chanting at all. 34 00:01:28,506 --> 00:01:30,883 - We want Tom. - Oh, don't chant, come on. 35 00:01:30,967 --> 00:01:32,844 - We want Tom, we want Tom. 36 00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:36,180 both: We want Tom. We want Tom. 37 00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:37,640 - Yay! 38 00:01:37,723 --> 00:01:39,642 - Literally the worst chant I've ever heard. 39 00:01:39,725 --> 00:01:43,813 - ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪ 40 00:01:43,896 --> 00:01:47,775 ♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪ 41 00:01:47,859 --> 00:01:53,531 ♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪ 42 00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:56,075 ♪ ♪ 43 00:01:56,158 --> 00:02:00,413 ♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪ 44 00:02:00,496 --> 00:02:04,584 ♪ I present no explanation ♪ 45 00:02:04,667 --> 00:02:08,170 ♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪ 46 00:02:08,254 --> 00:02:12,466 ♪ To satiate for long ♪ 47 00:02:12,550 --> 00:02:16,304 ♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪ 48 00:02:16,387 --> 00:02:20,182 ♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪ 49 00:02:20,266 --> 00:02:22,685 [polite applause] 50 00:02:22,768 --> 00:02:26,772 - Welcome to the New Jersey State Regional Spelling Bee. 51 00:02:26,856 --> 00:02:28,858 - Spelling bee... time to spell. 52 00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:30,318 There's a time to spell and there's a time 53 00:02:30,401 --> 00:02:32,904 to--to get up there and spell things. 54 00:02:32,987 --> 00:02:34,280 - Tom. - Hey, hey, Dakota. 55 00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:35,865 - We got you a gift. - A gift? 56 00:02:35,948 --> 00:02:37,575 - It's from the whole team. - That's incredible. 57 00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,076 What is it, a weird little pin? 58 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,536 - It's got the image of a lion 59 00:02:40,620 --> 00:02:41,954 ripping the heart out of a griffin. 60 00:02:42,038 --> 00:02:44,790 And it says "Death before Dishonor: 61 00:02:44,874 --> 00:02:47,210 I will die for my team" in Latin. 62 00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:48,669 - That's a little intense, no? 63 00:02:48,753 --> 00:02:50,296 - Relax, man, don't take it too literally. 64 00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:52,214 - You want me to relax? - Yeah, we won't punch you 65 00:02:52,298 --> 00:02:53,799 straight in the mouth if you spell 66 00:02:53,883 --> 00:02:55,551 a word wrong or anything. - Punch me in the mouth? 67 00:02:55,635 --> 00:02:57,094 Why are you even talking about stuff like that? 68 00:02:57,178 --> 00:02:58,763 - No, if we lose because of you, 69 00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:00,806 we're not gonna... murder you. 70 00:03:00,890 --> 00:03:02,642 - Why'd you say it like that? - [laughs] 71 00:03:02,725 --> 00:03:04,518 Of course, we're not gonna take Tom out back 72 00:03:04,602 --> 00:03:06,479 and beat him with a rusty hoe. 73 00:03:06,562 --> 00:03:08,481 [laughs] Where would we get a hoe? 74 00:03:08,564 --> 00:03:10,524 - I mean who does that? Murder somebody 75 00:03:10,608 --> 00:03:13,235 because they misspelled a word. 76 00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:14,654 [starting bells ringing] - And they're off. 77 00:03:14,737 --> 00:03:16,197 - Lou, look at you! 78 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:17,782 You are looking good today. 79 00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:19,241 - Not as good as your mom 80 00:03:19,325 --> 00:03:21,661 with her mouth wrapped around my hey. 81 00:03:21,744 --> 00:03:23,496 - I told you last time I'm not crazy about those jokes, 82 00:03:23,579 --> 00:03:24,914 but I'm doing good. Listen. 83 00:03:24,997 --> 00:03:26,874 Give me $100 on the Knicks taking points. 84 00:03:26,958 --> 00:03:29,043 And give me $250 on the Yanks just straight up. 85 00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:31,212 - You got it. - Hey, I have... 86 00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:32,713 Okay, is it between me and you? 87 00:03:32,797 --> 00:03:34,256 - You want to join in with me and your mom? 88 00:03:34,340 --> 00:03:37,176 - [laughs] All right, do you guys 89 00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:40,346 do, like, grade school spelling bee bets 90 00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:43,474 and shit like that? - Of course I do spelling bees. 91 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,101 I mean, those parents are maniacs. 92 00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:46,519 We get tons of action on that stuff. 93 00:03:46,602 --> 00:03:48,312 - Oh, I love it! Give me ten grand 94 00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:50,481 on Shady Oaks Elementary to lose. 95 00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:53,234 - Ten grand to lose? That's your school. 96 00:03:53,317 --> 00:03:55,277 - I'm not proud of it, but there's a ton of duds 97 00:03:55,361 --> 00:03:56,737 this year. Just big duds. 98 00:03:56,821 --> 00:03:58,614 - Yeah, that's what your mom said--ooh! 99 00:03:58,698 --> 00:04:00,157 - Does anyone love when you do that? 100 00:04:00,241 --> 00:04:02,243 What's the best way I should react to that? 101 00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:03,911 - All right! 102 00:04:03,995 --> 00:04:07,039 Who's ready to see some little kids spell some shit? 103 00:04:07,123 --> 00:04:10,418 Let's see some I before E except after C, that shit. 104 00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:11,836 Let's go! - All right, Tom, 105 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:12,962 don't get nervous. 106 00:04:13,045 --> 00:04:14,046 Don't urinate in your pants. 107 00:04:14,130 --> 00:04:15,464 - Tom. - What's that? 108 00:04:15,548 --> 00:04:17,049 Whose hand is that? - Look straight ahead. 109 00:04:17,133 --> 00:04:19,552 Don't make eye contact. Don't turn around. 110 00:04:19,635 --> 00:04:21,178 - Mr. B? 111 00:04:21,262 --> 00:04:23,389 - I'm gonna discreetly stuff an envelope in your pocket. 112 00:04:23,472 --> 00:04:25,808 I'm not saying it contains the answers, 113 00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:27,893 but I'm not saying it doesn't. 114 00:04:27,977 --> 00:04:29,520 - What's happening? I don't wanna cheat, Mr. B. 115 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:32,064 - Tom, you have a moral obligation to cheat. 116 00:04:32,148 --> 00:04:35,026 These other kids have worked hard all year for this. 117 00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:37,945 Rahul's family flew in from Chennai for this- 118 00:04:38,029 --> 00:04:39,697 - Just for this? Are they doing 119 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,657 other things while they're here or is that the whole trip? 120 00:04:41,741 --> 00:04:43,409 - I don't know, Tom, I didn't ask. 121 00:04:43,492 --> 00:04:45,745 - It's just a long flight. - For God's sake, son! 122 00:04:45,828 --> 00:04:49,248 This is the regionals. Nothing is more important. 123 00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:52,918 These kids study until they vomit. 124 00:04:53,002 --> 00:04:55,963 Now, get out there and make me proud. 125 00:04:57,089 --> 00:04:58,382 - Do you think it's possible you take this 126 00:04:58,466 --> 00:04:59,633 a little too seriously? 127 00:04:59,717 --> 00:05:02,511 - Your first word is...aardvark. 128 00:05:02,595 --> 00:05:04,180 - Aardvark. Easy. 129 00:05:04,263 --> 00:05:06,474 A to the A to the R to the D to the V to the A 130 00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:09,769 to the R to the K. Aardvark, bitches. 131 00:05:09,852 --> 00:05:13,481 - Okay, that whole thing was very inappropriate. 132 00:05:13,564 --> 00:05:16,817 - I agree, that was too much. What was that voice I did? 133 00:05:16,901 --> 00:05:20,529 - Okay, our next competitor is Tom. 134 00:05:20,613 --> 00:05:21,947 - All right, thanks for having me, everyone. 135 00:05:22,031 --> 00:05:24,366 I'm ready to spell it up. Throw one at me. 136 00:05:24,450 --> 00:05:28,287 - Tom, your first word is...armoire. 137 00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:32,124 - Armoire? - Oh, come on, 138 00:05:32,208 --> 00:05:33,876 not all kids have "armoires." 139 00:05:33,959 --> 00:05:35,711 - Excuse me. - We have closets 140 00:05:35,795 --> 00:05:37,254 like normal people. - Ma'am. 141 00:05:37,338 --> 00:05:39,048 - Tom, just spell closet. - That is not the word. 142 00:05:39,131 --> 00:05:40,299 - Mom, I've got this. - Yes, 143 00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:43,344 Tom is one of our best spellers. 144 00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:45,638 - What are you doing? 145 00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:47,556 - Oh, sorry. - Is your eye okay? 146 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:49,391 - I was winking. I'm not a great winker. 147 00:05:49,475 --> 00:05:52,144 - I think it is time for you to spell the word. 148 00:05:52,228 --> 00:05:54,438 - Oh, God. - [groans] 149 00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:58,150 - A-R-M-O-I-R-E. Armoire. 150 00:05:58,234 --> 00:06:01,070 - That is correct! - Wait, how did he... 151 00:06:01,153 --> 00:06:02,446 - As much as it pains me, 152 00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:04,281 Shady Oaks will advance to the finals. 153 00:06:04,365 --> 00:06:06,659 - All right, Tom! - Yes! That was fantastic! 154 00:06:06,742 --> 00:06:10,412 - That's my baby son who knows how to spell armoire! 155 00:06:11,789 --> 00:06:13,124 - There's my principal. 156 00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:16,001 I did it, what a victory. What a... 157 00:06:16,085 --> 00:06:17,878 - Tom, get in here. Close the door, please. 158 00:06:17,962 --> 00:06:19,213 And shove a towel under the bottom-- 159 00:06:19,296 --> 00:06:20,673 really shove it in there good. 160 00:06:20,756 --> 00:06:21,882 And cover your mouth-- 161 00:06:21,966 --> 00:06:23,342 - It's not exactly a high-five- 162 00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:24,927 - Cover your mouth when you talk, please. 163 00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,011 - What's going on. Are you okay? 164 00:06:26,095 --> 00:06:27,930 - Tom, I know you cheated. 165 00:06:28,013 --> 00:06:29,849 - Oh, I'm sorry. 166 00:06:29,932 --> 00:06:31,725 You know, I just didn't want to let everyone down. 167 00:06:31,809 --> 00:06:33,310 But hey, we won, right? 168 00:06:33,394 --> 00:06:35,896 - No, Tom, that's the problem. I gamble on these games. 169 00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:37,398 - Wait, you gamble, what? - Yes. 170 00:06:37,481 --> 00:06:38,691 And I gambled that we'd lose. 171 00:06:38,774 --> 00:06:40,401 That's why I placed you on the team. 172 00:06:40,484 --> 00:06:41,861 - I'm not following. Why? 173 00:06:41,944 --> 00:06:43,404 - Our school budget, it's a mess. 174 00:06:43,487 --> 00:06:44,697 - Okay. - So I figured out 175 00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:46,490 I'd add a deadbeat kid like you 176 00:06:46,574 --> 00:06:47,825 to the team... - Deadbeat? 177 00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:49,034 - And then I'd bet against us, 178 00:06:49,118 --> 00:06:50,536 and then I would win-- - Okay. 179 00:06:50,619 --> 00:06:52,163 - Listen, up. Then I would take the money 180 00:06:52,246 --> 00:06:54,373 and funnel the winnings back into the budget. 181 00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:57,293 - Is this the kind of stuff you do in here all day? 182 00:06:57,376 --> 00:06:59,461 - Tom, I need you to throw the next match. 183 00:06:59,545 --> 00:07:01,338 - Nah, I think, you know, that's where I draw the line. 184 00:07:01,422 --> 00:07:02,882 That feels kind of sleazy. 185 00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:04,425 - Tom, you're already cheating! 186 00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:06,468 All I'm asking you to do is not cheat! 187 00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:08,095 - Well, if you look at it that way, yeah. 188 00:07:08,179 --> 00:07:09,972 - Yes, that's the way I want you to look at it. 189 00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:12,099 - So it's either a scheme or a hoax, is the basic choice. 190 00:07:12,183 --> 00:07:13,934 - Oh, my God, you could twist and turn 191 00:07:14,018 --> 00:07:15,477 and make anything look wrong. 192 00:07:15,561 --> 00:07:17,563 - This is exhausting. Talking to you, 193 00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:18,814 it's always exhausting. 194 00:07:18,898 --> 00:07:20,608 - I know, I'm literally exhausted. 195 00:07:20,691 --> 00:07:22,067 I'm in a bad mood now. 196 00:07:22,151 --> 00:07:24,153 [grill sizzling] - Oh, this is nice. 197 00:07:24,236 --> 00:07:25,905 Wow, you didn't have to throw me a barbecue, Mom. 198 00:07:25,988 --> 00:07:27,615 - I did have to throw you a barbecue, 199 00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:29,450 because I'm so proud of you, Tom. 200 00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:32,411 My boy is going to the state spelling bee. 201 00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:34,371 - Glad you're proud, Ma, glad you're proud. 202 00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:37,917 - What the...Uncle Bill! - [laughs] 203 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,586 - I cannot believe you drove down from Boston! 204 00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:42,713 - I wouldn't miss this for the world, 'ey? 205 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,506 Yeah! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy. 206 00:07:44,590 --> 00:07:46,508 - Oh, okay. - Come here, hug your uncle, 207 00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:48,219 you goofy, ugly sonofabitch. Come here! 208 00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:49,595 Come here! - That's a bit much. 209 00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:51,180 it's a bit much. - Why are you fighting? 210 00:07:51,263 --> 00:07:52,598 - That's a bit--it's a bit mu-- - Listen, hey. 211 00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:53,849 Do me a favor, Tommy. - All right. 212 00:07:53,933 --> 00:07:55,392 - Spell hot dog. 213 00:07:55,476 --> 00:07:56,602 - Uh-oh, tests! 214 00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:58,437 Okay, okay, let's get into it. 215 00:07:58,520 --> 00:07:59,897 - H-O-T-D-O-G. 216 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,565 - Kid's a friggin' genius. - There it is. 217 00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:03,692 - Look at you with the big head, with the words. 218 00:08:03,776 --> 00:08:04,902 All right, now spell bun. 219 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,153 - B-U-N-N. - Great, right. 220 00:08:06,237 --> 00:08:07,696 - Yes. - Now spell eat, eat. 221 00:08:07,780 --> 00:08:10,407 - E-A-T. These are pretty easy words, 222 00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:11,825 Uncle Bill. - Listen, I gotta ask you-- 223 00:08:11,909 --> 00:08:13,577 what's the bathroom situation here? 224 00:08:13,661 --> 00:08:15,496 I mean, do I go to the bathroom indoors 225 00:08:15,579 --> 00:08:17,498 or is it anything goes? 226 00:08:17,581 --> 00:08:21,085 - No, no, Uncle Bill, it is not an anything goes thing. 227 00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,712 So we're gonna want you to go indoors. 228 00:08:23,796 --> 00:08:26,966 - All right, you might wanna check your driveway. 229 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,929 Tommy, I'm so proud of you. 230 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,305 - Thank you. 231 00:08:33,389 --> 00:08:35,391 - As the two biggest duds in this family, 232 00:08:35,474 --> 00:08:37,226 we gotta stick together. You know what I'm saying? 233 00:08:37,309 --> 00:08:38,852 - Well, I don't know if people lump us together like that. 234 00:08:38,936 --> 00:08:40,437 - Oh, they do, no, they do. - Yeah, well. 235 00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:42,022 - Listen-- [gulping] 236 00:08:42,106 --> 00:08:44,483 if you ever need help, I'm here for you, okay? 237 00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:47,027 - I've actually got a pretty big dilemma on my hands. 238 00:08:47,111 --> 00:08:48,320 Can I share it with you? 239 00:08:48,404 --> 00:08:49,488 - I don't know what dilemma means. 240 00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:50,781 - I just got a problem. 241 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,241 This whole spelling thing is a lie. 242 00:08:52,324 --> 00:08:54,493 My coach is making me cheat, but my principal 243 00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:56,328 wants me to not cheat and throw the match. 244 00:08:56,412 --> 00:08:57,663 - I'm not known for my advice... 245 00:08:57,746 --> 00:08:59,665 - Okay. - But here it goes: 246 00:08:59,748 --> 00:09:01,166 play by the rules. 247 00:09:01,250 --> 00:09:03,836 If you're honest, you can hold your head up high 248 00:09:03,919 --> 00:09:06,213 whether you win or you lose. - That's great advice, 249 00:09:06,297 --> 00:09:09,174 but I'm not a good speller. I'm going to lose. 250 00:09:09,258 --> 00:09:11,176 - I-I'll--I'll help, okay? We'll study all weekend. 251 00:09:11,260 --> 00:09:13,178 I'm here, we'll study. We'll do flashcards, 252 00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:14,680 we'll do spelling books... - Really? 253 00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:16,181 - Hey, hey, hey, hey! 254 00:09:16,265 --> 00:09:17,725 We'll learn Latin. - Learn Latin? 255 00:09:17,808 --> 00:09:19,393 That's great! We should probably start, 256 00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:21,520 like, right away, right? - Well, let's dive in tomorrow. 257 00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:24,481 Right now I'm going to butt chug a beer. 258 00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:28,027 - The word is psittaceous-- 259 00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:30,988 of or relating to parrots. 260 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:34,867 - Hey, judge, are you ready for Rahul to rock your world? 261 00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:38,245 - I don't have any other choice but to say yes. 262 00:09:38,329 --> 00:09:39,747 Please spell the word. 263 00:09:39,830 --> 00:09:41,081 - Then peep game. 264 00:09:41,165 --> 00:09:43,917 P-S-I-T-T-A-C-E-O-U-S. 265 00:09:44,001 --> 00:09:47,171 Psittaceous. S-U-C-K-I-T. 266 00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:50,049 - Excuse me? - J-U-D-G-E. 267 00:09:50,132 --> 00:09:51,634 Suck it, judge. [mic thuds] 268 00:09:51,717 --> 00:09:53,719 I am so sorry. I just get worked up. 269 00:09:53,802 --> 00:09:55,012 I get worked up. 270 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:59,892 - P-H-A-L-A-E-A-E-N-O-S-I- 271 00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:01,352 - Tom, you're almost up. 272 00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,228 Have you reviewed your secret envelope? 273 00:10:03,312 --> 00:10:04,646 - I don't need to cheat anymore. 274 00:10:04,730 --> 00:10:05,981 I can win this fair and square. 275 00:10:06,065 --> 00:10:07,566 - No, Tom, you can't. - I can. 276 00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:11,195 - Your brain is like a small squirrel's or a ferret's. 277 00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:13,614 - Listen, I've been practicing. I learned Latin. 278 00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:15,574 - Tom--with whom? - Just Uncle Bill. 279 00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:17,076 That's all you need to know. 280 00:10:17,159 --> 00:10:19,411 - And what are your uncle's qualifications? 281 00:10:19,495 --> 00:10:21,330 - I'm not saying he's an intelligent man, but-- 282 00:10:21,413 --> 00:10:22,956 - And what has Uncle Bill taught you, Tom? 283 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:25,292 - Listen, Mr. B, I'm sorry; you steered me wrong. 284 00:10:25,376 --> 00:10:26,919 I'm gonna do this the honest way. 285 00:10:27,002 --> 00:10:28,337 - Tom! Oh, my God. 286 00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:30,255 - And when I get to the Ivy Leagues, 287 00:10:30,339 --> 00:10:31,465 I'm gonna give you a call 288 00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:35,677 from my dorm room at H-A-V-E-R-D. 289 00:10:35,761 --> 00:10:40,099 - Would that be the university known as Harvard? 290 00:10:40,182 --> 00:10:42,434 - Different one, diff--I was talking about a different one. 291 00:10:42,518 --> 00:10:44,937 I spelled it right, trust me. - Okay, next up, 292 00:10:45,020 --> 00:10:48,732 representing Shady Oaks Elementary, is Tom. 293 00:10:48,816 --> 00:10:50,526 [polite applause] 294 00:10:50,609 --> 00:10:52,444 - Tommy! Show 'em what you learned, baby! 295 00:10:52,528 --> 00:10:54,863 - Come on, Tom! You can do it, baby, come on! 296 00:10:54,947 --> 00:10:58,867 - Yeah, bend this judge over and show him who's boss! 297 00:11:00,536 --> 00:11:01,954 I agree, that was too much. 298 00:11:02,037 --> 00:11:03,372 There's a line and I crossed it. 299 00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:05,124 - Welcome, Tom. I just want to say, 300 00:11:05,207 --> 00:11:07,543 we took your mother's words to heart last time, 301 00:11:07,626 --> 00:11:11,505 so we're now including simpler words that all kids would know, 302 00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:13,966 regardless of income or social status. 303 00:11:14,049 --> 00:11:17,636 So in the spirit of inclusion, let's begin. 304 00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:21,098 Your word is... Tom. 305 00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,142 - Tom? That's a crazy coincidence. 306 00:11:23,225 --> 00:11:25,352 That's almost too easy, no? Tom like me? 307 00:11:25,436 --> 00:11:28,272 - Tom as in "the male of a species, 308 00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:33,026 colloquially used to describe turkeys or domestic cats." 309 00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:35,779 - Wow, I think I've got it. T-O- 310 00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:38,240 - Tom, shut up! - What--what's happening? 311 00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:40,242 - It's a trick question, Tommy. - Trick? What? 312 00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:42,744 - Reach down inside you and pull out your Latin. 313 00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:48,500 - My Latin? My Latin... 314 00:11:48,584 --> 00:11:50,294 - The derivative suffixes... 315 00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:53,005 Carpe diem...Pro bono...In absentia...Spell bibliophile! 316 00:11:53,088 --> 00:11:55,257 - Bibliophile, B-L-I-B-L-I-P-I-H-I-L. 317 00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:58,677 - Spell heliotrope! - Heliotrope, H-E-L-I-O-P-R-N-. 318 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,846 - And Latin! - Latin, L-A-T-I-N. 319 00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:03,348 - Again! - Again, A-G-A-I-N. 320 00:12:03,432 --> 00:12:05,017 - You did it! You did it! That's great! 321 00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:08,937 - I think I know how to spell! What's happening here? 322 00:12:09,021 --> 00:12:12,816 The correct spelling of the turkey version of Tom 323 00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:15,277 is...T... 324 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:18,614 O... 325 00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:24,036 H-M. [buzzer blares] 326 00:12:24,119 --> 00:12:26,455 - We were looking for T-O-M. 327 00:12:26,538 --> 00:12:28,790 - Oh, man. - Oh, my God. 328 00:12:28,874 --> 00:12:30,125 - Is someone challenging the spelling? 329 00:12:30,209 --> 00:12:32,586 T-O-H-M. Latin base, Latin roots. 330 00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:34,379 - Tom, your team is eliminated, 331 00:12:34,463 --> 00:12:37,674 and you owe us $300 for the microphone. 332 00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:41,011 Thank you, everyone, goodnight. 333 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:44,598 - Well, that was embarrassing. - That was bad. 334 00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:46,058 - I'm so sorry, Priya Auntie. 335 00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:48,560 - I can't believe we flew 20 hours for this. 336 00:12:48,644 --> 00:12:50,312 - Hey, everybody, guess what? 337 00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:52,814 I bought pizzas and enough for everybody to have their own. 338 00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:55,108 - We lost, miserably. Why are we here? 339 00:12:55,192 --> 00:12:56,443 - We got annihilated. 340 00:12:56,527 --> 00:12:58,529 Look how disappointed my family is. 341 00:12:58,612 --> 00:13:00,739 - Look, life's not always about winning. 342 00:13:00,822 --> 00:13:04,368 And I know that sounds crazy, but sometimes losing, 343 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:07,412 it literally builds more character. 344 00:13:07,496 --> 00:13:09,289 And I just, I want to thank you, Tom. 345 00:13:09,373 --> 00:13:12,209 Thank you for showing these kids what it's like to lose, 346 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:15,337 and also what it's like to just be a loser. 347 00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:17,172 - Okay. - To hold your head up high, 348 00:13:17,256 --> 00:13:19,466 even though you know people call you 349 00:13:19,550 --> 00:13:21,677 a loser behind your back. Even the adults. 350 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,637 - I don't know if they do that. - It's commendable. 351 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,890 You push forward with the stench of failure upon you, 352 00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,433 and I just respect it. 353 00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:29,810 - All right, you know what, let's wrap this up. 354 00:13:29,893 --> 00:13:31,645 - Everybody, here's to Tom. 355 00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:33,272 all: To Tom! 356 00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:34,940 - And here's to losing. - Let's just do--just "to Tom." 357 00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:36,984 all: To losing! 358 00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:39,319 - Being a loser. 359 00:13:39,403 --> 00:13:41,613 - Hey, what's the bathroom situation here? 360 00:13:41,697 --> 00:13:43,532 - You're not literally peeing right now, are you? 361 00:13:43,615 --> 00:13:45,784 - I thought it was okay. 362 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,372 [car door closes] 363 00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:52,124 - Hey Tom. We all miss you in band. 364 00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:53,875 - You miss me? - Yeah. 365 00:13:53,959 --> 00:13:55,919 - That's literally the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. 366 00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:58,005 - That's the nicest? - It's top three. 367 00:13:58,088 --> 00:14:00,132 - That's so sad--you know what? - Well... 368 00:14:00,215 --> 00:14:02,134 - You should come to my birthday party this weekend. 369 00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:03,885 - Great, yeah, count me in. Thank you for the invite. 370 00:14:03,969 --> 00:14:05,470 - Technically, I'm not allowed to invite you, 371 00:14:05,554 --> 00:14:07,180 but you should come. - What does that mean? 372 00:14:07,264 --> 00:14:09,683 - 'Cause, you know, you're more of a secret friend. 373 00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:12,144 - Whoa, that's confusing. - Secret friend? Why secret? 374 00:14:12,227 --> 00:14:14,980 - My mom said I'm not allowed to interact with "your kind." 375 00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:16,398 It's not a big deal. 376 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,442 - Sounds like a big deal. - Here's my solution. 377 00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:20,652 Tell my mom that you're the caterer's son. 378 00:14:20,736 --> 00:14:22,070 - Caterer's son? - Yeah. 379 00:14:22,154 --> 00:14:23,822 - I'm confused. I am invited, or I'm not? 380 00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:26,825 - No, you're definitely not invited, but I want you there. 381 00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:28,535 - What's the dress code? Just casual? 382 00:14:28,619 --> 00:14:32,164 - I'd say whatever you think a caterer's son would wear. 383 00:14:33,332 --> 00:14:36,710 - All right, here goes nothing. Whoa, nice party. 384 00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:38,170 - Wait, wait. - Woah, what's happening? 385 00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:40,255 - Tom? Did we invite you? 386 00:14:40,339 --> 00:14:42,841 - Oh, no, I'm not part of the party. 387 00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:44,009 My dad is the caterer. 388 00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:45,886 - Kevork is your father? 389 00:14:45,969 --> 00:14:48,180 - Kevork is my primary father. 390 00:14:48,263 --> 00:14:49,514 - I thought I heard a rumor 391 00:14:49,598 --> 00:14:51,141 that your dad was in Myrtle Beach. 392 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,559 - He was. He's back. 393 00:14:52,643 --> 00:14:55,562 And he started a Lebanese catering company. 394 00:14:55,646 --> 00:14:57,564 - Are you all Lebanese? - We're not. 395 00:14:57,648 --> 00:15:00,484 He just thought it was a fun theme, a fun motif. 396 00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:01,735 Anyway, I'm gonna let myself in. 397 00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:03,403 All right. Hey, what up, Dad? 398 00:15:03,487 --> 00:15:04,571 - Oh, my God. 399 00:15:04,655 --> 00:15:07,866 [kids cheering] - Wow. 400 00:15:07,949 --> 00:15:11,203 I had no idea that this guy was so much fun! 401 00:15:11,286 --> 00:15:12,746 - Yeah, his name's Tom. 402 00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,790 We're in band together. We were, I mean. 403 00:15:14,873 --> 00:15:15,999 - Hey, you guys wanna see a backflip? 404 00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:17,334 - Yeah, Tom! Do it! 405 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:18,710 - You wanna see a backflip, Dakota? 406 00:15:18,794 --> 00:15:20,212 - I mean, not as much as she does. 407 00:15:20,295 --> 00:15:21,546 - Do it, do it right now. Do it. 408 00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:24,341 - Do it, Tom! Show us a backflip! 409 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,843 - All right, here-- - Oh, my God. 410 00:15:26,927 --> 00:15:28,804 - [groaning] What's happening? 411 00:15:28,887 --> 00:15:30,722 - Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 412 00:15:30,806 --> 00:15:32,182 - Who is this guy? 413 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:34,393 - What's up? - We have a problem, Tom. 414 00:15:34,476 --> 00:15:36,103 - Problem? - Some jewelry 415 00:15:36,186 --> 00:15:37,270 has gone missing, and your father 416 00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:39,064 is the one who took it. 417 00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:41,817 - My father? Kevork? - He stole. 418 00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:43,527 And now we'd like you to confront him. 419 00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,237 So we don't have to make a scene here. 420 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,863 - Oh, no, he doesn't like to be bothered in the kitchen. 421 00:15:46,947 --> 00:15:48,448 - Thomas, when adults talk to you, 422 00:15:48,532 --> 00:15:51,576 you need to be respectful. - Bradley, shut up. 423 00:15:51,660 --> 00:15:53,078 We're gonna listen from the hall, 424 00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:55,747 and if he gets defensive, we'll come in. 425 00:15:55,831 --> 00:15:58,166 - Oh, no. - The safe word 426 00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:01,378 is bouillabaisse. - Bouillabaisse? 427 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,630 How about something easier like cookie or ham? 428 00:16:03,714 --> 00:16:06,007 - No, we spent a lot on this party, for Christ's sake. 429 00:16:06,091 --> 00:16:09,094 I wanna have a very classy safe word. 430 00:16:10,554 --> 00:16:12,097 Now, don't screw it up. - Oh. 431 00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:15,267 - [muttering] - Okay, Pops, we need to talk. 432 00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:17,602 - Who are you, and why are you calling me Pops? 433 00:16:17,686 --> 00:16:18,979 - I'm the son. - Whose son? 434 00:16:19,062 --> 00:16:20,814 - It's your son, Tom. - No, no, no, no. 435 00:16:20,897 --> 00:16:22,107 I don't have Tom. 436 00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:24,109 - That's no way to talk to your main boy. 437 00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:26,570 - Main boy? I don't even know you. 438 00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:29,072 - He won't even acknowledge him as his own son. 439 00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:30,574 - It is not right. 440 00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,576 - That's what I just said if you had been listening. 441 00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:35,412 - Listen, if you stole something, just put it back. 442 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:37,456 - Wait, wait. You accusing me of stealing? 443 00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:39,291 - Listen, as a family member, I'm trying to help. 444 00:16:39,374 --> 00:16:41,251 - You know how you can help? You can go over there 445 00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:44,296 to that corner over there and pull your little pants down 446 00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:46,298 and smack your little tush with a spatula. 447 00:16:46,381 --> 00:16:47,924 - [yelping] Bouillabaisse! 448 00:16:48,008 --> 00:16:49,801 Ham! Bouillabaisse, ham! 449 00:16:49,885 --> 00:16:52,262 - This job is beneath me! You kids are obnoxious. 450 00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,306 You know, why don't you cook your own food, all right? 451 00:16:54,389 --> 00:16:55,974 Your BLT or whatever you Americans do, your-- 452 00:16:56,057 --> 00:16:57,142 - Pops... 453 00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:59,019 - Organic soybeans and oat milk. 454 00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:00,812 - Dad, so you're not returning the watch? 455 00:17:00,896 --> 00:17:03,315 - I have not taken a watch! - Wow. 456 00:17:03,398 --> 00:17:04,858 This is not good at all. 457 00:17:04,941 --> 00:17:08,612 - Thanks for nothing, folks. Keep your filthy money. 458 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,989 - Tom, aren't you leaving with your father? 459 00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:12,783 - Oh that's right. Oh, wait, wait up, Pops! 460 00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:14,284 - Suck a donkey's ding dong, kid. 461 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,368 - Donkey's ding dong what? 462 00:17:15,452 --> 00:17:16,870 - What a monster! 463 00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:19,122 - All right, I'll see you at home. 464 00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:21,666 - Did your father just leave without you? 465 00:17:21,750 --> 00:17:23,502 - I think he did. That's upsetting. 466 00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:25,504 - Tom, come here. I just feel terrible 467 00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:26,797 for misjudging you all of these years. 468 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:28,048 - Thank you. 469 00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:29,841 - I thought you were a little strange, 470 00:17:29,925 --> 00:17:32,469 but it's not your fault at all. Because you know what? 471 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,638 You have an abusive situation at your home. 472 00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:36,097 - It explains a lot. 473 00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:38,100 - You just need a male role model in your life 474 00:17:38,183 --> 00:17:40,185 because you don't really have one. 475 00:17:40,268 --> 00:17:42,604 - No one supports me. I'm a good guy. 476 00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:45,106 - Oh! Tom should go on Dad's fishing trip with him! 477 00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:46,525 - Oh, no, no, no, no. 478 00:17:46,608 --> 00:17:48,527 - Oh, my God, that's a great idea, Brad. 479 00:17:48,610 --> 00:17:51,196 - No, it's a terrible idea. - It's a great idea. 480 00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:53,490 - He wouldn't even like that. What kids like fishing? 481 00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:55,033 - Honestly, it sounds like the trip of a lifetime. 482 00:17:55,116 --> 00:17:56,409 - You need to bring him along. 483 00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:58,328 - If he gets hurt, then we're liable. 484 00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:01,039 If--if he kills someone, we're liable-- 485 00:18:01,122 --> 00:18:02,332 - Great, it's decided. 486 00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,167 I'm gonna clear it with Tom's mom. 487 00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:06,628 Plus, Brad, your friends all teach at his school. 488 00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:08,797 - Can I just say one thing? - No. 489 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:10,340 - One thing, I just want to-- - Brad, 490 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:13,093 I don't wanna hear it. - [grumbles] 491 00:18:13,176 --> 00:18:14,970 - Hey, Tom. Tom's mom. 492 00:18:15,053 --> 00:18:16,388 - Hi, Dakota's dad. 493 00:18:16,471 --> 00:18:17,973 Thanks so much for including Tom! 494 00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:19,975 He's excited. - It was my wife's idea. 495 00:18:20,058 --> 00:18:22,936 You know, he doesn't have to go even. 496 00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:24,312 - Oh no, I'm looking forward to it. 497 00:18:24,396 --> 00:18:25,939 Can't wait. - Do you have 498 00:18:26,022 --> 00:18:29,568 any questions or concerns? I mean, there's gonna be 499 00:18:29,651 --> 00:18:32,320 a lot of drinking-- hard alcohol and whatnot. 500 00:18:32,404 --> 00:18:33,864 - No. - He'll be exposed to 501 00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:36,741 rough language and open sewage and... 502 00:18:36,825 --> 00:18:39,077 - Zero--is there a number I can reach you at? 503 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:42,747 - Ooh, unfortunately, there's no cell service up there. 504 00:18:42,831 --> 00:18:44,541 We'll be completely off the grid. 505 00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:45,792 - Mm, well... 506 00:18:45,876 --> 00:18:47,168 sometimes you gotta let your kid 507 00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:48,461 off the grid, right, Tom? 508 00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:49,754 - What? - I don't get the house 509 00:18:49,838 --> 00:18:51,882 to myself a ton, so I'm excited. 510 00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,592 - All right, it's your child's funeral. 511 00:18:53,675 --> 00:18:54,759 Tom, just get in the car, then, 512 00:18:54,843 --> 00:18:56,970 if you're so hellbent on going. 513 00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:58,722 We're running late, so... 514 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:02,601 - ♪ Give yourself another chance, my darling ♪ 515 00:19:02,684 --> 00:19:05,937 ♪ Don't be satisfied with second best ♪ 516 00:19:08,023 --> 00:19:10,317 - Tom's in the house. - Ah, what the shit. 517 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,903 - Sorry, guys, Tom's joining us this year. 518 00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:15,071 - Doesn't this ruin the whole trip? 519 00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:16,781 - Not the warmest welcome. - It sucks. 520 00:19:16,865 --> 00:19:18,408 I tried to stop it. 521 00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:19,951 - Anyway, let's get started here. 522 00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:21,828 I need to just borrow some fishing equipment, 523 00:19:21,912 --> 00:19:23,830 and boots, and a hat, and a pole. 524 00:19:23,914 --> 00:19:26,041 - Tom, no one's doing any fishing. 525 00:19:26,124 --> 00:19:28,710 I mean, this is mostly about booze and grab-ass. 526 00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:30,253 - Brad, please! 527 00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:31,796 - Your wife didn't mention any of that. 528 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,673 - Yeah, well, she's on a need-to-know basis. 529 00:19:33,757 --> 00:19:36,801 And Tom, on this trip you can call me "Double D." 530 00:19:36,885 --> 00:19:38,219 - Oh, for "Dakota's Dad"? - Sure. 531 00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:40,513 It's not because I like big boobs. 532 00:19:40,597 --> 00:19:42,599 - Big boobs, what does that have to do with Double D? 533 00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:45,435 - Tom, what you are about to witness this weekend 534 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:48,438 stays in the group, never to be discussed 535 00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:51,983 outside of this inner sanctum of masculinity. 536 00:19:52,067 --> 00:19:53,777 - I feel like the trip's taking a weird turn. 537 00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:57,572 - It's called Bro Code, because guys don't rat on guys. 538 00:19:57,656 --> 00:20:00,700 Now let's make a pact by urinating in a circle. 539 00:20:00,784 --> 00:20:01,993 - What? - Oh, no. 540 00:20:02,077 --> 00:20:03,411 - Come on, man. - No. 541 00:20:03,495 --> 00:20:05,372 - Whip 'em out, guys. 542 00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:07,540 Who's in the mood for some tunes? 543 00:20:07,624 --> 00:20:09,501 - Yeah, I guess. - I guess so. 544 00:20:09,584 --> 00:20:10,919 - This is a little song I wrote 545 00:20:11,002 --> 00:20:13,421 called "My Wife Just Doesn't Get It." 546 00:20:13,505 --> 00:20:16,049 - Here we go. - ♪ My wife ♪ 547 00:20:16,132 --> 00:20:18,009 ♪ Just doesn't get it ♪ 548 00:20:18,093 --> 00:20:20,553 ♪ A pain inside my butt, yeah ♪ 549 00:20:20,637 --> 00:20:22,597 ♪ Her mouth will never shut, no, no ♪ 550 00:20:22,681 --> 00:20:24,307 - Weird subject matter, but-- 551 00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:26,851 - He's got nine other songs about his wife; it's crazy. 552 00:20:26,935 --> 00:20:30,271 - Hey, Tom, I don't want you to let how you see me here 553 00:20:30,355 --> 00:20:32,816 affect the way you view me as a principal. 554 00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,985 - Oh, no, it's Bro Code. This all stays here. 555 00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:38,279 - And, look, he's the one doing all the nasty stuff. 556 00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:41,283 We just come here to relax and have a few beers. 557 00:20:41,366 --> 00:20:43,159 - Yeah, he seems like he's working through some issues. 558 00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:45,704 - Come on, T, sing along! - All right, Brad, please stop. 559 00:20:45,787 --> 00:20:47,038 You're giving me a headache. 560 00:20:47,122 --> 00:20:49,207 - Oh, whatever. Eff this thing. 561 00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:51,376 No one appreciates my music anyway. 562 00:20:51,459 --> 00:20:52,836 [grunts] - Wow. 563 00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:54,879 - All right, come on, calm down, it's not the-- 564 00:20:54,963 --> 00:20:57,340 - We need to take this party up a notch, huh? 565 00:20:57,424 --> 00:21:02,220 I refuse to let a certain someone ruin my big weekend. 566 00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:03,638 - He's talking about me or his wife? 567 00:21:03,722 --> 00:21:05,140 - Tom, do me a favor, bro. 568 00:21:05,223 --> 00:21:08,435 I need your little feet to run up there. 569 00:21:08,518 --> 00:21:10,437 Grab me some booze, 570 00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:13,940 Cool Ranch Doritos, and a couple rubbers. 571 00:21:14,024 --> 00:21:15,608 - Brad, come on. - He's a big kid. 572 00:21:15,692 --> 00:21:17,360 He knows what's what, right, T?- 573 00:21:17,444 --> 00:21:19,362 - What are they? What am I looking for? 574 00:21:19,446 --> 00:21:22,073 - They're like, um, they're like sweaters for your penis. 575 00:21:22,157 --> 00:21:24,242 It does--it really does get chilly up here. 576 00:21:24,325 --> 00:21:27,412 - All right, let me go grab 'em. 577 00:21:27,495 --> 00:21:30,248 - Hey, while we wait, can one of you idiots 578 00:21:30,331 --> 00:21:32,042 jump in the lake and get my guitar? 579 00:21:32,125 --> 00:21:34,210 I need to go drop a deuce. 580 00:21:35,336 --> 00:21:37,505 - Why are we still friends with him? 581 00:21:37,589 --> 00:21:39,716 - I don't--you know what, I think that all the time. 582 00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:41,551 I don't know why. 583 00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:43,845 - Booze, Doritos, penis sweaters. 584 00:21:43,928 --> 00:21:45,096 All right, good to go. 585 00:21:45,180 --> 00:21:46,973 - Um, hello? Am I in the right place? 586 00:21:47,057 --> 00:21:48,350 I'm looking for DD. - Oh! 587 00:21:48,433 --> 00:21:50,685 Oh, Dakota's Dad. He's down by the lake 588 00:21:50,769 --> 00:21:51,853 singing a song about his wife. 589 00:21:51,936 --> 00:21:53,646 - Ugh, figures. 590 00:21:53,730 --> 00:21:56,483 - What are you doing? Can you stand? 591 00:21:56,566 --> 00:21:58,026 - You're adorable. 592 00:21:58,109 --> 00:22:00,195 - I gotta get back with the booze, but--oh, no-- 593 00:22:00,278 --> 00:22:01,780 Oh, no, don't lay down. What are you doing? 594 00:22:01,863 --> 00:22:03,740 - I'm just exhausted. It's just a factory. 595 00:22:03,823 --> 00:22:06,159 It's always, Rhonda, blow this, Rhonda, yank that. 596 00:22:06,242 --> 00:22:07,744 - Okay, off the couch. I have to go; I'm busy. 597 00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:10,497 - Twelve dongs a day, that's too many dongs! 598 00:22:10,580 --> 00:22:11,956 - It sounds like a very rough job, 599 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:13,625 but I don't have time to chat. 600 00:22:13,708 --> 00:22:15,627 - Should be three dongs a day. - Please stop saying dong. 601 00:22:15,710 --> 00:22:17,837 This trip is much filthier than I was expecting. 602 00:22:17,921 --> 00:22:19,339 - Hey, hey, hey, hey, look at me. 603 00:22:19,422 --> 00:22:21,299 - Yeah? - Let's do something wholesome. 604 00:22:21,382 --> 00:22:23,510 - Sounds weird, but what do you want to do? 605 00:22:23,593 --> 00:22:25,261 - Let's make s'mores. 606 00:22:25,345 --> 00:22:27,430 - That's the first good idea I've heard. 607 00:22:27,514 --> 00:22:28,556 That sounds great. 608 00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:30,558 - I know! Let's divvy up the work. 609 00:22:30,642 --> 00:22:33,436 You make the s'mores and get the fire going. 610 00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,647 I'm just gonna crash on the couch. 611 00:22:35,730 --> 00:22:38,608 - That's divvying up, or that's me doing it all? 612 00:22:38,691 --> 00:22:41,027 - [snoring] 613 00:22:41,111 --> 00:22:42,862 - This one is called 614 00:22:42,946 --> 00:22:46,533 "Why Does My Wife Insist on Belittling Me in Public?" 615 00:22:46,616 --> 00:22:49,202 - You need to work on a couple of these song titles. 616 00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:51,329 - ♪ Why ♪ 617 00:22:51,412 --> 00:22:54,082 ♪ Does my wife ♪ 618 00:22:54,165 --> 00:22:57,460 ♪ Insist on belittling me ♪ 619 00:22:57,544 --> 00:22:59,671 ♪ In front of our friends ♪ 620 00:22:59,754 --> 00:23:02,799 - How many times are you gonna say "wife" in a song? 621 00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:05,343 - She's not singing songs about him, I guarantee it. 622 00:23:05,427 --> 00:23:08,179 - ♪ In a public place, I'm a big disgrace ♪ 623 00:23:08,263 --> 00:23:10,306 [indistinct chatter on television] 624 00:23:10,390 --> 00:23:12,183 - Rhonda, the fire's not starting. 625 00:23:12,267 --> 00:23:13,601 Rhonda, can you wake up? 626 00:23:13,685 --> 00:23:15,186 The lighter fluid says keep away from children. 627 00:23:15,270 --> 00:23:16,521 Can you just give it a quick squirt? 628 00:23:16,604 --> 00:23:18,106 - [snoring] 629 00:23:18,189 --> 00:23:20,859 - I have to do everything on this trip. 630 00:23:20,942 --> 00:23:22,193 Oh, no! Oh, no. 631 00:23:22,277 --> 00:23:24,195 Rhonda, please. Flames. 632 00:23:24,279 --> 00:23:27,198 Come on, for God's sake. How tired can you possibly be? 633 00:23:28,366 --> 00:23:30,118 Don't panic, Tom. How do you work this thing? 634 00:23:30,201 --> 00:23:31,494 [line trilling] 635 00:23:31,578 --> 00:23:33,163 - Brad? - Oh, 911? 636 00:23:33,246 --> 00:23:35,665 - I thought cell phones didn't work up there. 637 00:23:35,748 --> 00:23:37,208 - Dakota's mom? - Tom? 638 00:23:37,292 --> 00:23:38,960 - The cabin's kind of on fire. 639 00:23:39,043 --> 00:23:40,336 - Thomas, what are you talking about? 640 00:23:40,420 --> 00:23:41,963 - The lady friend's purse is on fire. 641 00:23:42,046 --> 00:23:43,715 - Oh, my God, Thomas, slow down. 642 00:23:43,798 --> 00:23:45,425 Where are you? - I can't tell you where I am. 643 00:23:45,508 --> 00:23:46,885 - Where's my husband? 644 00:23:46,968 --> 00:23:48,386 - Unfortunately, I can't divulge that. 645 00:23:48,469 --> 00:23:50,221 - What does that even mean? - It's a code. 646 00:23:50,305 --> 00:23:51,931 We pissed in a circle. - What? 647 00:23:52,015 --> 00:23:53,099 - Oh, my God, we're going to burn down. 648 00:23:53,183 --> 00:23:54,726 I've already said too much. 649 00:23:54,809 --> 00:23:57,061 - I'm getting in the car. I'll be there in 40 minutes. 650 00:23:57,145 --> 00:23:58,688 - Don't come. - Oh, my God, 651 00:23:58,771 --> 00:24:00,982 I can't find my car keys. - Goodbye. 652 00:24:01,065 --> 00:24:02,942 Rhonda, no job is that exhausting. 653 00:24:03,026 --> 00:24:06,154 [siren whoops] - Okay, folks, fire's out. 654 00:24:06,237 --> 00:24:07,739 Looks like it started in the fireplace, 655 00:24:07,822 --> 00:24:09,866 then some pervert for some reason had a shitload 656 00:24:09,949 --> 00:24:12,202 of rubbers in the pantry. Those lit up like tinder. 657 00:24:12,285 --> 00:24:14,204 You know, those are good for fucking, bad for fires. 658 00:24:14,287 --> 00:24:15,914 Just a little fire tip there for you. 659 00:24:15,997 --> 00:24:17,665 Okay, you folks be safe now. 660 00:24:17,749 --> 00:24:19,209 - All right, I want the truth. 661 00:24:19,292 --> 00:24:21,336 What exactly happened here? 662 00:24:21,419 --> 00:24:23,838 - You know, just hanging out. Fishing. 663 00:24:23,922 --> 00:24:25,715 - Yeah, I caught a bass. 664 00:24:25,798 --> 00:24:28,092 - Oh, my God, you guys are useless. 665 00:24:28,176 --> 00:24:30,845 Tom. - Me? 666 00:24:30,929 --> 00:24:33,097 - I need to know what exactly happened. 667 00:24:33,181 --> 00:24:34,766 - Uh, well, from what I know... 668 00:24:34,849 --> 00:24:38,061 the guys were fishing and singing some fun songs. 669 00:24:38,144 --> 00:24:39,979 - Yeah? - And Rhonda took a nap-- 670 00:24:40,063 --> 00:24:41,314 - Who the hell is Rhonda? 671 00:24:41,397 --> 00:24:43,691 - She's with my dad's catering company. 672 00:24:43,775 --> 00:24:45,818 - What's up? - She's in charge of the meat. 673 00:24:45,902 --> 00:24:47,445 Is that a job at a catering company? 674 00:24:47,528 --> 00:24:49,155 - You know what? I'm tired of this. 675 00:24:49,239 --> 00:24:50,949 Tom, you're back on my list. 676 00:24:51,032 --> 00:24:52,492 - Back on the list? No. 677 00:24:52,575 --> 00:24:56,454 - And, Bradley, you're driving yourself home. 678 00:24:57,830 --> 00:25:02,001 [pop music on radio] 679 00:25:02,085 --> 00:25:04,963 - Hey, I'm proud of you, Tom. - Thank you, Double D. 680 00:25:05,046 --> 00:25:08,341 - Being a man isn't about fishing or camaraderie. 681 00:25:08,424 --> 00:25:11,469 It's about lying. And you seem like a natural. 682 00:25:11,552 --> 00:25:13,846 - Thank you, Double D. - When you're old enough, 683 00:25:13,930 --> 00:25:15,515 you should join us on the trip. 684 00:25:15,598 --> 00:25:17,183 - I think I got my fill. - I'm with Tom. 685 00:25:17,267 --> 00:25:18,810 I'll just go ahead and pass too. 686 00:25:18,893 --> 00:25:20,645 You can count me out. - Yeah, we've been meaning 687 00:25:20,728 --> 00:25:22,563 to say something for, like, ten years now. 688 00:25:22,647 --> 00:25:25,316 We--we really don't like you, Brad. 689 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:28,111 - Wow. That's a lot to take in. 690 00:25:28,194 --> 00:25:30,571 Reminds me of a song I've been working on actually. 691 00:25:30,655 --> 00:25:32,198 - Oh, sh-- - [groans] 692 00:25:32,282 --> 00:25:35,076 - ♪ My friends, they all are pussies ♪ 693 00:25:35,159 --> 00:25:36,869 ♪ And they don't know how to party ♪ 694 00:25:36,953 --> 00:25:38,621 ♪ Yeah, they don't know ♪ - This is the worst one yet. 695 00:25:38,705 --> 00:25:39,998 I don't want to be in one of his songs. 696 00:25:40,081 --> 00:25:41,499 - At least his wife ain't in it. 697 00:25:41,582 --> 00:25:43,251 - ♪ My friends, they all are pussies ♪ 698 00:25:43,334 --> 00:25:45,086 ♪ No, they can't keep up with me ♪ 699 00:25:45,169 --> 00:25:46,879 ♪ No, they can't keep up with me ♪ 700 00:25:46,963 --> 00:25:48,381 ♪ Such a damn tragedy ♪ 701 00:25:48,464 --> 00:25:51,259 - I should really go home or check-in or something. 702 00:25:51,342 --> 00:25:53,678 This is really pushing the limits. 703 00:25:53,761 --> 00:25:55,096 ♪ ♪ 704 00:25:55,179 --> 00:25:57,015 - ♪ Remember there's more road ♪ 705 00:25:57,098 --> 00:25:59,017 ♪ And places to go ♪ 706 00:25:59,100 --> 00:26:01,185 ♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪ 707 00:26:01,269 --> 00:26:03,021 ♪ More people to fornicate ♪ 708 00:26:03,104 --> 00:26:06,190 ♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪ 709 00:26:06,274 --> 00:26:07,817 ♪ Supplying the proof ♪ 710 00:26:07,900 --> 00:26:11,487 ♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪ 711 00:26:11,571 --> 00:26:15,199 ♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪ 712 00:26:15,283 --> 00:26:19,620 ♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪ 713 00:26:19,704 --> 00:26:23,875 ♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪ 714 00:26:23,958 --> 00:26:25,752 ♪ The sweet silver lining ♪ 715 00:26:25,835 --> 00:26:28,004 ♪ Through you she lives on ♪ 716 00:26:28,087 --> 00:26:31,924 ♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪ 717 00:26:32,008 --> 00:26:35,553 ♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪