Hey, Randy?
- Can I ask you a quick favor? - Yeah, what's up?
Do you think you could throw some kind of shawl
or a tarp over your midsection? Over your crotch and lap?
You want me to put a shawl on my crotch?
Listen, your jeans have a lot of rips, like a crazy amount of rips.
From certain angles, I can see your wiener.
I guess you can.
If you got a problem with the rips, don't take a glance.
- Just cover it up. - That is your hangup, man.
I'm telling you to cover up your penis, and you're saying it's my hangup?
- Tom, that's the style. - So you're not gonna cover up?
No. Are you gonna put rips in your pants?
Just gonna walk around school with your wiener flopping around
like everything's fine?
- Sounds like you're jealous, Tom. - I'm jealous of Randy?
Randy is a very cool dresser.
I'm a cool dresser, too, so...
- No. - What?
You wear the same blue shirt every day.
This shirt? No, I've never worn this shirt before.
You guys don't even know fashion.
Tell 'em, Nelson. I'm a cool dresser, right?
Sure, you definitely have clothes on your body.
Sounds like a compliment. Guys, I'm obviously well dressed.
- This is my party shirt. - Wait. That's your party shirt?
This is my party shirt when I'm in a good mood.
Tom, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
Hi, kids. This is serious, so sit down.
I've been getting complaints about inappropriate clothing at school.
- Wait, what? - Who complained?
- Complaints? - Look at this!
Vulgar T-shirts? Age-inappropriate skirts.
And ripped jeans?
I don't need to see your junk, Randy.
By show of hands, how many people wanna see Randy's junk?
- Not one hand. - It's called a silent majority.
- And that's what's happening here. - And it's gotta end.
So I've no choice but to implement school uniforms.
- That's actually a good idea. - Uniforms?
- Can he do this? - What are we, prisoners?
I'm sure a lot of you people notice that I'm a very sharp dresser,
but I think Mr. B. is the most stylish,
so I asked him to come up with the design.
Hello, kids. As you may know, we live in a suburban wasteland
with no sense of style or class.
Okay, Mr. B, let's keep it positive.
My challenge was to create a look that is bland and unflattering,
so I looked around for inspiration, and look what I came up with.
- No. No! Help! - It's like a sick joke.
- What's happening? - What's happening?
It's a look that screams, "I've given up on life,"
"and life has given up on me."
No. Mr. B., can I weigh in? Do you want my two cents?
- Not really, no. - That's copyright infringement.
- I'll sue you. - Tom, you're not suing anyone.
No one can own the combo of a blue shirt with tan slacks.
No, I'm known for it.
Numbskulls all across the planet wear it.
He's clearly drunk. He's clearly been drinking.
Tom, I'm afraid this is happening, so, kids, pick up your uniforms.
From now on, you wear them every day. That's it.
You gotta admit, the fabric is exquisite.
Tom, how do you go through life like this?
- It's so depressing. - You don't like the way you look?
I would rather my parents tell me they're getting divorced every day
than wear this shirt.
Stop. That's insulting.
This backpack is giving me a serious case of wall ass.
- You don't like it? - Pushes down on my butt.
- Looks like I have nothing. - I don't like this at all.
We about to shut this down.
There's gonna be a school walkout at noon.
- You're gonna walk out of school? - The entire school's walking out.
You're gonna walk out 'cause you look like Tom?
It's a crime against humanity. Tom, there's no other way to put it.
- You're overreacting. - No one wants to look like you, dude.
You look like a bland piece of poo-poo, bro.
I look like a bland piece of poo-poo?
You look like poo-poo that's bland as shit.
- Mom, can I ask you a question? - Yeah, shoot.
Do I look like a bland piece of poo-poo?
- No. - No?
- Really? - Why are you asking me that?
I'm just getting some harsh critiques on my look.
These uniforms are not going over well.
- Tom, you should be flattered. - Flattered?
They want everyone at school to look like you because you're so handsome.
No, this is punishment. Mr. B. pointed that out.
No, my boy's handsome.
Tom, you know what your problem is?
No, you don't need to weigh in, Grandma.
- You don't tuck in your shirt. - Eh, that's not my thing.
Well, you better tuck it in, because I wanna see what it looks like.
- Let it go. - I'm not gonna leave until you do it.
Relax. Take a nap.
- Take a nap? - I don't wanna.
Take a slap.
- Why are you standing up? - Because I'm gonna do it for you.
Oh, no, please.
Hold still. Gonna tuck you in.
- Nobody's gonna stop this? - Hold still.
Oh, no, please, Grandma.
Good?
That actually made a big difference.
You don't believe me? We're gonna call your Uncle Bill.
Come on, he doesn't know what he's talking about.
- Hey-hey-hey-hey! - Hi, Bill.
Listen, Tom tucked in his shirt. Tell us what you think.
My God. Tommy, you look fantastic.
- Really? - You look like a model.
- Because I tucked my shirt in? - It's night and day, Tommy.
- Come on. - I agree with him.
Something magical happened when you tucked that shirt in.
I look that good?
You're a kid who comes from a long line of disgusting, very gross slobs.
If you have a chance to become a model,
you have to go for it!
That was very inspiring, actually. All right, let's try it.
Hey, hey. All right, welcome to Triple M,
Male Model Management. I'm Dino. What can I do for you guys?
Thanks for seeing us. My son is abnormally good-looking,
and he's considering doing some modeling.
Love to meet him. You bring him in sometime.
- Be great. - No, it's me. I'm the male model.
You're good-looking?
That's the word on the street.
- My grandma seems to think... - Listen.
I'ma give you my professional opinion, okay, and it's free.
- This is a free opinion, all right? - Great.
Hair: terrible.
- That's fair. - Nose: hideous.
- I can see that. - Torso: misshapen.
Not positive feedback, is it?
Listen, the world of modeling, son, it is a cutthroat business
of beautiful people. It's not for you.
Yeah, the more we talk it through, this does seem...
It seems hasty that we came into the city.
Fantastic. I mean, I feel good about this.
This is good constructive criticism.
I'll go work on my nose and mouth and hair.
Take care. Thanks for coming in.
Actually, stop right there.
- Who, me? - Your rear end is exquisite.
- Really? - It is perfectly proportioned.
Can I get closer?
- No, that seems a little weird. - No, that's okay, Tom. Get in there.
Okay, the cheeks, they're perfectly balanced.
The pants seem to hang at such a perfect angle.
That's what my grandma said.
Okay, listen, I think I can probably get you catalog work.
- Wow, this is great! - Kids' clothes, chinos...
- Really? - Khakis, chaps.
Have you ever worn a pair of chaps?
That's amazing. You're saying I could be a model?
A butt model.
- But I'd be a model. - Again, a butt model.
Your face would never actually appear.
- It's fine. - Okay, so what's happening?
- You wanna sign Tom? - Absolutely.
This is amazing.
I'm gonna have a launch party this Friday at my loft.
I'd love you to swing by and show off the goods.
- Excuse me. - Yeah?
Didn't I see your rear end in the new L.L. Bean catalog?
- Yeah, wearing the chinos? - I mean, that tuchus is just...
I get that a lot.
Those are on me, little man.
- Wait, why? - Nah, you famous, dude.
- Really? - I saw your tush.
In the new H&M catalog. Sweet.
A little creepy, but thank you.
Hey, guys, check it out.
- What? - That's me on the billboard.
- Wait a minute. - What?
That's my rear end in the corduroys up there.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. - Wait, I'm confused.
I got signed with a modeling agency.
Tom, you're telling us you're a model?
- I am a working model, yes. - They're paying you to model?
I told you. I told you I'm a well-dressed guy,
and people like the way clothes look on my body.
Have we entered a parallel universe?
No, I'm afraid not. Listen, I gotta run.
I'm having a party at my agent's loft.
What? You have an agent, and they have a loft?
- Yeah. - Why wasn't I included in this deal?
These are my modeling friends. It's a whole other world.
- Why don't you swing by? - Swing by?
Yeah, I guess we can "swing by" your agent's loft.
Tom, who are you?
A good-looking dude getting off a bus.
Hey, everybody, can you kind of gather round here?
Let's welcome the number-one male youth rear end model
in the Northeast region, Tom.
Listen, guys, I just wanna thank everyone.
Seems like just yesterday, I wasn't even tucking in my shirts.
Now I'm the number-one male youth rear end model.
- That's my son right there. - I wanna thank my agent, Dino.
Who looked at my tush and said, "I like what I see".
That's not exactly how it...
Anyway... Love you guys. Thank you so much.
Let's hear it for him.
Things are happening so fast, Tom. This is exciting!
I know. If my rear end keeps looking this good,
the sky's the limit.
Sorry, guys. We've got a dress code.
We came straight from school. We're on the list.
Yeah, it doesn't matter. The invite said smart casual.
You guys look like fucking idiots.
But we're dressed like the host of the party.
That's dumb casual. You look like a moron.
Hey, there he is. Hey, Tom, get over here!
Hey, guys. Glad you made it.
Tell these guys that we're smart casual.
That's gonna be a problem. I don't think we can let you in.
- What? - What?
Can't let you in wearing this. What is this?
This is literally your shirt.
You wore backpacks to a loft party? Who does that?
Tom, you invited us when we were wearing this.
- I'm sorry. - This is very disruptive, Tom.
I think you need to make a decision here,
your new modeling friends or your poorly dressed friends.
This is a tough decision.
- It is? - You know what?
Don't even answer the question. We're done with you, Tom.
Wait, what? No, no, come on.
You've changed.
Don't be mad at me 'cause I'm a really good-looking guy
and clothes look exquisite on my physique.
Wow, you have changed.
The minute you started using the word "physique," I'm out of here.
You just have a different vibe than they do.
Hey, Ma, no one wants to play with me,
so I'm just gonna walk around the neighborhood
and look at my billboards.
Okay, Tom. You have fun.
- Hey, little man. - Hey, ice cream man.
- You look depressed. - Yeah, you're right.
I'm starting to feel like I made a terrible mistake.
Everyone's calling me a douche.
- Tell me your troubles. - You wanna hear it?
- No, but I'll listen. - All right.
They introduced school uniforms, they made me question my appearance,
I got into male modeling, one thing led to another,
and now I don't have any friends.
Tom, clothes do not make the man.
No, I'm told they're pretty important, that everyone cares how you look.
Look at me. I wear a Hawaiian shirt,
filthy cargo shorts, and an ice cream man's cap.
- It is a silly look. - I am perfectly happy.
- Even though you look terrible. - That's the lesson.
You need to renounce this world of vanity and fashion.
What can I do?
You need to take off this uniform and go streaking.
Streaking? What's that?
It's running around with your shvanz flopping around.
This is your advice?
That's what activism is all about.
It's getting in trouble to make your point.
That's actually brilliant. Now I see why you're so successful.
Yeah, well, if anyone questions you, you just say,
"My ice cream man advised me to do it."
Can't imagine that carries as much weight as you think it does.
That's it, y'all! Kick the ball.
Nice! Nice. Left flank.
Protect the goal! Yes.
Oh, my God, is Tom running onto the field naked?
- Hey, everyone, look at me. - God.
- Stop. - Hey, hey, hey.
- Stop this, please! - Why?
Tom, what are you doing? Kids, turn away.
Make it stop!
- I'm on it. - Nelson, get away.
- Come here. - Stop.
Kids, what don't you understand? Don't look at his penis or his rear end.
- Get off! - Relax. It's me.
- It's Nelson. Down, boy. - Get him off.
Whose wiener are we seeing now?
I know, it's an ironic turn of events.
Tom, what the hell was all that?
I'm sorry. I just wanted to protest the school uniforms.
I believe they place too much importance on appearance.
What school uniforms? We scrapped that idea.
Excuse me?
Yeah, I was getting death threats since no one wanted to look like you.
So this whole thing was unnecessary?
Yes, Tom, completely unnecessary.
Yeah, and you're in a lot of trouble.
Me? No, no. My ice cream man put me up to this.
It was the ice cream man.
Well, I don't know what to do with that information, Tom.
Well, I guess we all learned a lesson here.
- What was that, Tom? - Never tuck in your shirt.
- Never ends well. - That's what you got out of this?
All right, Tom, I'm taking off. Have fun with Grandma, okay?
All right, have fun with whatever weird stuff you're doing.
Thanks, but I'm gonna need you to remember the rules.
Is this about last time?
- No leaving the house. - Come on, Grandma was drunk.
It won't happen again.
- No blankets. - No blankets?
- No pillowcases. - Wait, what?
No touching the lamps.
Even if it's dark, we can't touch the lamps?
- These are the rules. - All right.
Safe to assume Grandma can't smoke in the house?
That's a given. If she smokes in the house,
I want you to kill her.
- Got it. - This is a huge help, Mom.
- Thank you. I love you guys. - You too, sweetheart.
Okay, Tom.
- Let's get the fuck out of here. - Wait, what?
It's bingo night at the church.
Grandma, I'm not allowed to curse. That's clearly in the rulebook.
Tom, I'm making all the rules now. Grandma outranks Mom.
Does it? I don't wanna get in trouble.
You're not gonna get in trouble.
We could kill somebody out there on Fifth Avenue,
and no one would believe it was us.
Why would we kill a guy on Fifth Avenue?
What is with you? Why don't you wanna join me
in an evening of fun and adventure?
When you put it that way, it actually sounds pretty tempting.
We need to have some fun in our lives, Tom,
so let's buck up and get ready to bronk.
Welcome, folks. It's bingo night. Take your seats.
Our altar boy, Randy, will be spinning the wheel tonight.
I wanna say up top, if you lose,
please don't pray that I die.
- Why's he looking at me? - Message received.
- All right, let's have fun. - Okay, let's get started.
N31.
Grandma, you literally bought 100 cards.
It increases my odds of winning.
When we win, I need you to bark out "Bingo".
I bark? What do you mean?
Like an animal. It's survival of the fittest here.
G62.
G62? Wait a second.
I think we might have it. Is that bingo?
- Tom, bark it. - We got bingo here.
- B4. - I don't think he heard me.
- That is not a bark. - Bingo.
- Bark! - I'm barking it.
Bingo! Asshole, we got bingo.
Sorry, I was told to bark. I was told to bark like a wild animal.
- Tom, we've got a problem. - Problem?
- Am I in trouble? - I mean, a little bit, yeah.
Really? I was told we could kill a guy and get away with it.
Yeah, I'm not sure what that means.
But your grandmother is ruining bingo.
Ruining it? No, she's doing great.
Yeah, that's the problem. Listen, just do me a favor, okay?
Next time she wins, don't say bingo.
Don't say it? I have to.
- That's my job. - No, no. Pretend she lost.
- For the sake of the others. - This is getting weird.
Guess what. Priest outranks grandma.
- So just do what I say. - Priest outranks grandma?
- Yes. - No.
She said, "I'm the top dog. You do what I say."
Your grandmother referred to herself as the top dog?
She did. She says it all the time.
Well, the top dog is ruining bingo. How about that?
O62.
Remember, this is fun. We're being civilized.
- O62. - What's going on here?
We haven't won in nine games.
And this is just a game. B9. This is just a game.
B9.
- This is ridiculous. - I know.
I guess it's just a losing streak. One of those things, you know?
The numbers just aren't going our way.
You're not kidding.
- N22. - Would you look at that?
I won. Bingo.
- Hector's grandma? - Me, yes. Bingo.
Please. That bitch can't play bingo to save her life.
Don't talk like that. Please don't talk like that.
- Check her card! - I actually think you won.
No, no, mind your own business.
Look, right there. You had bingo diagonally.
- From left to right. - All right, sit down, please.
Why didn't you call bingo, Tom?
I must've missed it. There's so many cards.
You didn't miss anything.
Come on. That's in poor taste.
Where you going, Grandma? Sit down.
Now I've seen it all.
My own grandson fucked me at bingo.
I'm out of here.
Can you say "fucked" in church? I can't imagine you can, right?
Hey, ho. Tom's grandma's phone here.
I'm calling from inside the house.
- Wait, what? - Just kidding. It's Mom.
That's funny. Murder joke.
Yeah, murder joke. How's it going, kid?
- We're having a great weekend. - Yeah? Any activities?
Yeah, we're just goofing off.
Goofing off? What does this mean, like...
Why are you asking so many questions?
What is that, like, dancing?
Telling stories, baking. I don't know. We're doing things.
- We're doing fun things. - Well, I miss you.
I hope you're having a great time. Tell Grandma I say hi.
- I will. - Bye.
Great conversation.
Peace.
Hey, Grandma. Listen, I'll have two Pop-Tarts,
one frosted maple...
Sorry, asshole.
I flushed all your Pop-Tarts down the toilet.
Weird way to greet the new day.
- Sorry. - Is this about bingo?
- Yep. - Listen, I'm sorry I ruined your fun.
Fun? You think that I do this for fun?
- Lean in. - Why? No one else is here.
I need that cash, Tom.
I've been borrowing money from the dog charity I work at.
And bingo is the only way I can pay them back.
You're stealing money from a dog charity?
Don't make it sound so terrible.
I just took some of their money and put it in my purse.
Yes, that's theft. That's stealing.
Anyway, it wasn't a problem until you came along,
so you need to fix this.
Okay, all right. Let me see what I can do.
And I just wanna say, Grandma, other than all this theft
and cursing and stuff, I'm having a really fun weekend.
I'm having a fun time with you too.
- Tom, you look abnormally pale. - I know. I got a crisis.
My grandmother's threatening to kick my ass.
- What'd you do? - I lost her bingo money.
And now she can't repay the dog charity that she was embezzling from.
Okay, so your grandmother's a criminal,
and now she's gonna kick your ass.
- Multiple problems. - I got it, Tom.
- Why don't you do the walkathon? - A walkathon? The what?
- The school walkathon. - What's that?
People sponsor you, and then the proceeds go
to the charity of your choice.
- Really? - Yeah, that's perfect, man.
You can donate the money in your grandmother's name.
I mean, that would definitely solve things.
- But I'm not a big walker. - You said it's a crisis.
You're not gonna make an exception?
It just sounds like a lot of exertion.
Plus, my mom doesn't want me leaving the house.
Tom, I hate to pull rank here, but I say you need to do this.
'Cause, as you know, bus driver outranks mom.
Bus driver outranks mom? No.
Yes. The traditional hierarchy goes,
bus driver, priest, grandma, mom,
and then, I think, garbage man.
So my mom is just above the garbage man?
That's right or recycling guy. I can't remember which is which.
Okay, kids, the big day is here, and we will start at the school,
and for every lap you go around the town,
your sponsors will donate 5 dollars.
- Wait, hold on. Coach? - Yeah.
I'm sorry, did you say "town"?
Yes, Tom. It's laps around the town. It's a walkathon.
Tom, what did you think that we were doing?
I thought we were doing laps around the gym.
The gym? That would take, like, two seconds.
That's why it appealed to me, yeah.
All right, everybody, so on that note,
let the walking begin.
All right, everybody. Walk!
You know what? I'm cramping up. I'll catch up in a bit.
Tom, you haven't gone anywhere yet.
I know. It's just cramps, walking cramps.
Can you just try to catch up, please?
All right, I'll see you in a bit.
- I shouldn't have worn these loafers. - Why're you wearing loafers?
I don't know if I should dress for the walkathon
or the afterparty. This is a disaster. All these people sponsored me.
Tom, no one cares about the actual walking.
- It's a symbolic "gesture". - No one cares about the walking?
No! People just wanna donate money so they can feel good.
- Really? - Yeah.
So, I mean, let's just put you down for 25 laps and get out of here.
Wait, we can just do that?
No, Tom, not we. I. I'm the starter. In the hierarchy,
starter is above gym teacher.
Really? In society, starter is above most parents?
Starter is above everything. The Bible opens with the starter.
I can do whatever I want.
- Come on, kids. - You got this!
- Let's go! - Wait a minute.
- Where's Tom? - Keep going!
Let's go. Come on, guys.
Where the fuck is my grandson? Tom, where are you?
This is living:
laying down on a rug, moving my thumbs.
You stink at video games, but at least it's relaxing.
I don't even care. You can chop my head off.
- You can stab me in the neck. - And I will do that.
This is fun. No loafers, no walking,
no people shoving Gatorade in your face. I love this.
Thanks for coming out, everybody. We raised lots of money for charity,
so that's great, and we have some oversized checks to hand out.
So first up is Dakota, who did two laps
and raised 3 000 dollars for Meals on Wheels.
- Come on up here, Dakota. - Let's do it, Dakota!
Next is Randy, who did three laps and raised 4 000 dollars
for Landscapers Without Borders.
Attaboy, Randy!
And next, well, it's actually a very remarkable story.
Tom somehow walked 25 laps around the town
and raised 10 000 dollars for his charity for dogs.
Tom, thank you. Thank you so much.
This breaks the all-time record
previously held by Dakota's brother, Dylan.
What? Ugh, fuck my charity.
Fucking out of here. Fucking Red Cross bullshit.
He'll be fine. Takes after his mother.
Anyway, let's hear it for Tom, everybody.
Thank you.
I'm so happy I could walk the laps.
No, no, no.
- Wait, what? - Stop the presses.
- What's happening? - This kid did not walk 25 laps.
I walked more or less 25.
No, you didn't. I know this 'cause I saw him walking to Nelson's house
wearing some, like, hideous loafers.
No, no.
I did too. He was skipping and saying,
"This is the greatest day of my life."
"I don't have to walk, and I'm making some bread."
Skipping? No, I don't skip.
Well, Tom, it seems true, and we have multiple witnesses.
This is highly unusual,
but Tom's charity actually owes us money.
- What are you talking about? - It's in the agreement. Read this.
"If student fails to walk any laps, the charity is liable to reimburse"
"the school system for Gatorade, ribbons, oversized checks,"
"and administrative fees."
We don't have any money! We have dogs that slobber.
It's an agreement. So just make the check out
to Shady Oaks Elementary School.
- How was the weekend with Grandma? - We had so much fun.
We went to church. We prayed. We did some charity work.
Well, I had fun too.
- That's good. - Let's relax now.
If you love dogs, we need your help
because this little asshole ruined our finances.
You know what? I don't know whether or not
we're allowed to say "asshole" on a PSA.
Probably not. But it's the only word that comes to mind.
- Let's turn this off. - Tom!
- What happened? - It's a long story.
I was involved in a charity walkathon. I told them I did 25 laps.
In reality, I did zero,
and now everyone's in a big hullaballoo.
On one hand, I find it funny
that you caused a hullaballoo, but as your mom,
I'm gonna have to discipline you, dude.
No, I've suffered enough.
You're gonna have to walk those laps out of honor.
- I'm not a big exercise guy. - Tom!
I'm your mother. You gotta listen to me.
Do I have to listen, though? From what I'm told, priest, grandma,
and bus driver all outrank you.
- What? - That's what I'm being told.
Tom, you're gonna walk those laps,
you're gonna make sure everyone in town knows about it,
and you're gonna restore our family's good name.
I'll walk, but you realize we don't have a good name, right?
Folks, we're here with a feel-good story
about a local boy who has vowed to walk
25 laps around the town for his favorite dog charity.
So let's listen in.
Hi, folks. Anyone who knows me knows two things:
I love cute dogs and walking long distances.
So I plan to complete these 25 laps, even if it takes me all night,
and I'm gonna do it with several of these cute little guys by my side.
Isn't that right? Here, lick Tom's face.
- Look at that. - Aww, so cute.
- Here, get in tight for the licking. - That's cute.
That's wholesome stuff right there.
Hey, hold up. Hold up, Hey. What's going on here?
Great news: I decided to walk the 25 laps after all
with the dogs, me and the dogs.
Are you kidding me? 25 laps will kill these fuckers.
Kill them? Wait, what?
This charity's for senior dogs with congenital heart disease.
Wait, what's what the charity does, you're saying?
Yeah, that's what "the charity" is, Tom.
Did you even read the brochure?
I honestly didn't have time.
Can we cut the cameras at this point? Camera guy, please.
- You don't talk to Henry. - Henry, please, come on.
- How did you get the dogs? - How did I get them?
My grandma has the key to the building.
Wait. Did that kid steal my keys?
Grandma, you clearly gave me the keys.
Unbelievable.
Come on, Grandma, this is in poor taste.
So you stole a group of elderly dogs,
and then you were going to march them to their deaths?
So I guess I don't come across looking great, but, just to be clear,
no one's expecting me to walk at this point, right?