Good morning, Chicago.
You're listening to 93 XRB.
It's day 29 of the Corona quarantine.
I know many of you listeners are chomping
at the bit to get outside,
but please respect the mandatory shelter in place
for Cook County.
Stay home, stay safe, save lives.
Oh, and turn that radio up.
Our next song goes out to the frontline workers.
"Imagine On" by Grapetooth.
Oh, touch me there. Yeah.
Kissing's always extra..
Deal.
Hey, I just went for a walk, dumpling.
Nah, I told you, I'm off the cancer sticks.
What happened the whole trust talk we just had?
Stop. Just stop.
You're killing me. Okay, listen, just...
Here.
Uh... hello?
One second, babe.
Are you following me?
Hello? Look, I don't have any cash.
And this is where you run.
What?
I gotta call you back.
Where'd you go?
What?
Huh? What?!
You've reached the Cook County Emergency Call Center.
Due to high caller volume from COVID-19,
all of our operators are busy.
Please stay on the line.
9-1-1, what's your emergency?
Hello, sir, ma'am?
Hello?
What's that sound?
Is that your dog?
Ah. Oh, Je...
You stupid kids need to go back to school.
I'm the president and you're fake news.
Rule 456:
obey all traffic signs.
Stop, look, listen.
And feast.
I see you watching me.
It's okay. Don't be shy.
I deal with voyeurs all the time.
In here, I control everything.
Cut the music.
Come here, come closer.
I'll let you in on a little secret.
This journal holds all my routines, locations,
people and evidence.
My secrets.
Listen, in the wrong hands,
we would have another disaster.
I only kill bad people, like Peeping Tom over here.
But that's not you, is it?
Remember, this is a pandemic
and you're gonna need to give me space
if we're gonna do this together.
Oh, we're gonna be friends.
Oh, why, hello there.
You scared me.
Good. Whoa, hey, hey, hey, what's in the bag?
Uh, it's a bag of my stuff.
Yeah, uh, I figured, dude.
Are you the new tenant below me?
Or are you just tossing bags around?
I might have to call the cops
on your quarantine-breaking, yet...
pretty face.
Charming.
No, no, I... I'm... I'm... I'm pulling your leg,
I'm pulling your leg.
Sorry. Smokers, jokers, midnight tokers.
Come on.
Accept my apology, neighbor.
It's been a while.
Fuck it.
Oh, yes. Thank you.
One hit.
Nice catch. Oh, man, I've just been going crazy
cooped up inside this whole time.
Like, I was literally about to go murder my roommate
for something to do.
Sounds fun, neighbor.
Oh, don't call me neighbor.
I'm, uh, Ace.
First name basis already?
Eva.
Pleasure to meet you, Eva.
Shit, Walter!
What the hell, dude?
- Oh, I'm sorry. - No, get... Get that dribble off!
- Sh... - I'm sorry, dude.
Oh, dude, you could not have picked a worse time, man.
- Seriously, dude. - I'm sorry, man.
Literally.
Okay, that's my cue.
No, no, no, Eva, please stay.
Walter, you get out of here, dude.
Go find something to clean this up, man.
I... I am so sorry, Eva, I'm...
I'mma get out of here.
I might be back in five.
Step on in, watch your step.
Oh, what's going on, Tinkerbell?
- Eva! - Oh, hey.
Hey, I'm so sorry I had the vomit earlier.
Can I get through?
- Oh, you want to get past? - Yeah.
Oh, you... okay. I'll... I'll give you six inches.
- Feet. - Yeah.
Feet.
All right, I'll see you guys later.
Go ahead, sit down. There's a... There's...
All the chairs are clean. Don't worry about it.
Um, what do we have on buffet?
- We have... - Holy shit.
Duct tape.
I can use this on you, uh...
on you later if you're feeling frisky.
- Not really. - Too forward?
Oh, I'm going to feel that after quarantine.
Um, what do we got here? We got rice cakes.
We got tortillas.
Ooh, nuts. Everyone likes to get a little nutty.
All right?
Oh, speaking of Chinatown, Chinese.
No, it's not happening.
Ooh, eggs! Eggs!
Um, asparagus, pickles.
- I'm really not... - Pickled asparagus.
- Uh, ooh, Jell-O. - That all looks bad.
Jell-O would be nice and light, wouldn't...
Go to the store.
Oh, my God. Have you been to the store?
It's turning people into animals.
They're all hoarding food.
Go to the store... The Coronavirus is crazy.
Come on, let me make you something.
You are a guest in my house and I want to serve you food.
I appreciate the invite,
you trusting a stranger and all,
but I have an acquired taste.
It's a little... different.
You know?
Bonjour,
ici château de Ace, I am your server.
And tonight's special, oh! Whatever you want.
We've got the fromage, the jambon,
S'il vous plait. Merci beaucoup.
Again, charming.
Et... boisson?
I do have a craving, but...
Oh, come on, you have to eat.
You are a person, aren't you?
- I already... - Dumplings!
Like, my question with COVID-19,
is what does the 19 mean?
I've got a dumpling for you to microwave.
So, how do you like living below us?
Are we loud? Can you hear us?
Are we too loud?
Walter likes masturbating a lot,
so I apologize for that.
I mean, he just lets it fly.
Hey, has it affected you?
Do you still have your job?
What do you do? Are you a businesswoman?
Mm. You're a businesswoman, aren't you?
Making those deals?
I mean, that was creepy. I'm sorry.
You been watching Tiger King?
I think I'm one of the few people
that is on Carole Baskins' side.
I don't think she killed her husband.
I think Joe Exotic's crazier than that.
I feel like I'm asking all the questions.
You know what I... I read on, like, a first date...
not that this is a date, that I'm saying that this is a date.
It's whatever you want it to be. I don't like labelling.
And I heard that's not a good thing to do, either.
Just be, you know, a friendly neighbor.
Right.
Where's your bathroom?
It's the pee-pee police.
Just kidding. You doing all right in there, Eva?
Sorry we're out of TP.
You know, we literally call Walter the dump truck,
and, uh, Amazonia was all out of the "essentials."
But we got some coffee filters in there if you want.
They actually work surprisingly better
at wiping your butt than they do making coffee.
Why am I still here?
That's become the mantra of my life.
Welcome to my in-between, viewer.
I sometimes come here to think.
Don't get the impression that I'm lonely or anything.
It's just Ace has kind of a...
There's something about him.
He's more than just food.
I think.
Walter, really?
Hey, Eva, I'm in my boudoir.
And then I see the disinfectant,
where it knocks it out in a minute, one minute.
And is there a way we can do something like...
Look at this.
Injection...
Like... why? He's an idiot.
It doesn't make any sense.
So, it'd be interesting to check that
so that you're gonna have to use...
Look at those small hands.
Wonder what else is small.
Yeah. This, uh... This whole Corona stuff is crazy, right?
Yeah.
It's been hard.
Yeah, sure.
Oh, on everyone.
Yeah, I was, uh... I was furloughed.
I was working at an advertising firm,
but those guys are crazy. Like, nuts.
Did you... Did you get your stimulus check yet?
Like the federal stimulus check?
Most of my work is under the table.
- So, no. - Really?
What do you do?
I like to draw and write.
Well, hey, if you ever need any money, you know,
I can lend you some. Don't be afraid to ask.
- Thanks. - Sure.
But I have my ways.
Hey, what kind of music do you listen to?
And do not say country, for the love of God.
Hey, mind your P's and Q's, partner.
Check out this song.
I've been listening to it a lot lately.
You know, with the whole pandemic thing going around.
This kind of, like, takes me away from that.
- It's really nice. - Yeah.
- Is that... - It's nice.
- Yeah? - Very nice.
No, it's ni... It, like, starts out light, and then it kinda
goes into it, and you kinda get a little bit...
No, no, no, you get into it. Come on, come on.
You just gotta feel it, you gotta, like, feel it in
your body. Like, feel it in your fingers,
feel it in your toes. Yeah, yeah. Just, like, loose.
Let it all go. Let reality go.
I feel it.
Hey, so I don't know if you're into it or not, but...
I got some acid.
It's just, like, a microdose, really small.
And we can do a drop and just escape, you know?
Have you seen yourself?
'Cause I see you.
And this is where you.
- It's my condition... - Where'd you go?
- Condition...
Condition...
Eva!
It's my condition...
Eva!
Ace? Ace?
Ace?
Wake up, Eva!
Holy shit.
I really fucked up now.
Morning, sunshine.
Last night was pretty fun, wasn't it?
Eva, where you... where you going?
You can stay, you know, it's cool.
You hungry? Can I make you some food?
I don't want any dumplings, okay?
Okay. Can I...
Can I call you?
I haven't had a phone in years.
Eva.
I know.
I know what you...
what you are.
Shit.
Fuck.
You might not want to watch this.
Rule 457.
Always hide the body after feasting.
Duh.
Always be thorough with the blood,
and bleach is your friend.
And we could be, too, one day, viewer,
as long as you clean up after yourself
and don't leave out any spare body parts.
But this isn't your first rodeo.
Now, is it?
Rule 214:
trouble is always around the corner.
Cue shit-licker.
Tennent.
You better be decent 'cause I'm coming in.
This is a surprise.
I'm just putting some of my things away in my apartment,
the one you're renting from me?
It's not a good time.
Sixty seconds, then you can get back
to whatever it is you do here.
For the love of...
Here, let me help you.
No. If you could, don't touch any of my stuff,
- please. - Okay.
You know, I was going to use this time to,
you know, work out, get buff for the ladies.
But, you know...
- What's that smell? - What smell?
Did something crawl up your ass and die?
Up my ass, really?
Seriously, it smells like someone died
and shit their pants in here.
That aside, you're late on rent again.
Paul, take your rent money.
I should evict you right now.
Take it.
This arrangement was week to week.
And this is your last.
You know you're lucky I take cash.
This buys you 72 hours.
Then you're out.
Fine, 72 hours.
I'll be gone.
I'll be back to check that smell.
Laundry's in the back. Fix it.
Hey.
Hey, are you okay?
But, like, do you remember it?
Just a little.
Just a little bit of acid.
A little bit of weed.
And a dance and we a-go
to escape reality.
Everything's going to be okay.
But I'm not done with you yet.
I'm just giving myself a tour, Eva.
Hmm.
Ace.
Ace?
"Rule number 40:
Always keep a low profile at all times.
Black wardrobe is preferable."
Oh, well, you're certainly nailing that, aren't you?
Ace.
What about rule number 17?
Never stay in one place longer than one month,
or... or...
- Ace! - ... six feasts.
Now, do you call that the Thanksgiving rule?
What about a barbecue, huh, Eva?
Do you like your steak bloody?
Ace!
Medium-rare?
But my personal favorite, rule number two.
"Trust no one."
You don't know what you're looking at.
Okay, that's cool.
It's okay, Eva.
Do you not remember what you told me last night?
What?
Ooh, you don't remember.
You don't understand me.
Eva.
Vampire.
That's what you are.
Ace, sit down.
Oh, I'll sit down.
But I think you need to sit down, too.
You want to explain yourself?
First,
it's a condition.
I know all about conditions.
And I'm not Dracula.
Obviously.
Promise me.
- Nobody... - I'm not going to tell anybody.
But the fact is, I know what you are.
And I want you to show me how it's done.
What do you say?
I don't know.
I don't... Not... That...
That was rhetorical.
Hold on.
Walter can't... Nobody can...
I'm not gonna tell anybody, Eva.
You don't have much say here, do you?
So, you better get started right away.
Let's write some new rules, together.
What do you say?
Uh...
Hmm.
This will be fun.
Come on.
God, is Walter in here?
This thing's heavy.
Dead bodies weigh a lot.
Come on, Ace.
I'm doing my part.
Oh, one more thing.
Do not pass go!
This took a serious turn.
Don't worry, pal.
Rule number nine, I'm still in control.
An eye for an eye, as they say.
I can't be the only one with a secret.
Little gift from Paul's storage.
Oh, Lord.
Welcome to the Doc Antle shuttle bus.
I don't think she wants to start.
Vroom, vroom, baby. Here we go!
I can't believe that there's a full body back there.
You know, it's impolite to not finish your food.
I mean, Native Americans use all parts of the body.
You don't do that?
Speaking of polite, I'm sorry about the whole...
This is a bonding experience,
Eva, we're committing this together, you and me.
We're in it together.
It's real.
It's like, you know, the advertising firm
I was working for, that's all a lie.
Like, just ask Walter.
It was just... Eh, no, let's not talk about it.
It's... It's... It's not worth talking about.
It's just blood, crosses, darkness, light.
Bingo.
And I didn't say a word.
This guy is a chatterbox.
Something really needs to be done about that.
You know?
Get the stuff.
Put the bodies at the fence.
This feels like a task for someone with experience.
This is nice.
It's quality time.
Whoo! Hey, hey, hey.
You're the first real people I've seen in two weeks!
How are you?
Can't go lie your way out of this one?
It's cake, watch this.
What's going on my, uh... quarantine homie?
Oh, just out for a little exercise,
had to get out of that apartment.
The... The walls, they're coming in!
- Oh, yeah, we... - Hey, you want some beef jerky?
I make it myself.
Absolutely not, vegetarian.
- Oh. - Hey, man,
you really shouldn't be out here, okay?
I mean, it's the whole shelter in place, you know?
Listen, six feet.
Yeah, do your jog.
Okay.
What did I tell you, Eva?
Cake.
Just... Just one more question.
Um, is... is... is your friend digging?
Yeah, Ace, what am I digging?
Oh, right.
Listen, man, she has had a really tough week.
Her dad just died from the virus.
Oh, my God.
And... And you're burying him here?
Oh, God, no, her dog died, too.
Yeah, this was, uh... this was his favorite spot to, uh...
shit.
We called him Vlad the Pooper.
Little furry guy. Terrible.
Two deaths in one week, huh?
Listen, buddy.
You better get out of here.
Okay, condolences.
Go jerk off, jerky boy.
Huh, what do you think? Not bad, huh?
You know, I really should've been an actor.
Uh-huh.
Really?
At this rate, it's gonna take hours.
Well, wait... wait a second.
What do you normally do?
It's Sunday, April 19th, day 30 of the quarantine.
A big storm is headed towards Chicago.
From all of your family at XRB,
we hope you're staying safe and sheltering in place.
It's about to be a wet one.
Up next, it's a special request from our favorite.
Oh! Stay alert, stay alert.
What do we do?
Do we just put the body in? Like, what do we do?
Do we just throw it in?
Seriously? We just dumped a body.
Yeah, so what's next?
You gonna eat me?
Well, I could really smash some Chinese right now.
Last time I was here,
I went to the dim sum place. Dim sum is okay,
but those egg rolls...
man, you just die for those.
Mm! Yeah.
Hey, speaking of death,
this whole hunter-prey thing must be hard for you.
Like how do you find your food
with everyone locked up at home?
Seriously, the majority of the population
is, like, scared to be in public.
Scared of being coughed on.
It's a very real concern for all of us.
You see, I have this theory.
Oh, a theory, like a conspiracy?
Are you one of those people, those deniers?
Huh? At least you're not one of those nuts,
you wear a mask.
I think it's possible this disorder I have
could act as an underlying condition.
It makes my chances of dying higher.
Hmm, I see.
I'm like a junkie.
I'm always trying to get my next fix.
Down the alley, under the bridge, the markets.
Dry?
Your dealer has Corona, bars and dispensaries are closed.
Craigslist doesn't sell the high you're looking for.
What do we have here?
Might not be the cleanest fix.
- Hey, hey, whoa. - What?
Look.
Take a chance.
It's cheap.
Free.
- Oh, sh... - Ace!
You don't get it.
What? What am I not understanding, huh?
I try to kill with a purpose.
You know? People that deserve to die, bad people.
Do... Uh, do these people have purpose?
I don't think so.
Eva.
I don't think you have any other option
if you want to want to eat.
Okay, we've come this far.
We followed the little rabbit back to her hole.
She's all yours.
Kill your prey.
Take her.
You're hungry, aren't you?
Feast.
I'll be right here.
Go on. I'll be right here.
Hey there.
Hi, can I help you?
How are you?
Well, I've had better days,
but you probably already guessed that.
Yeah.
I don't like to assume. Are you sick?
Okay, a little small talk, okay.
I see how... I see how it's done.
What are you doing out here alone?
I'm self-isolating away from the other homeless people.
Because of the Coronavirus.
When I first got out here, I was scared and alone,
and there was an older guy named Joe that...
This is taking too long and there's nobody around.
... took me under his wing, protected me.
He taught me how to survive on the streets.
He was my father... figure.
He died two weeks ago from the Coronavirus.
Okay. Oh, now she's gonna do it.
So, I'm scared, and...
I'm just keeping my distance to be safe.
Which you should be doing too, ma'am.
You're gonna be okay.
Be strong.
Thank you.
What... What are you doing?
Eva, do it.
- Hey, wait! - Kill her.
Aren't you gonna give me some money?
Isn't that why you came over?
Bitch, please, give me some money.
I'm sorry.
Whoa.
My God.
I hope you had as much fun as I did.
You okay?
You... You want to stay over?
I'm just gonna use the bathroom.
Sure, use Walt's.
I'm out of TP.
Okay.
Yeah, sorry.
I'll make us some drinks.
I think we could use it.
Walter, hey.
Oh, hey, Eva.
How are you?
One of those days.
Are you guys having fun?
Staying safe?
I'm curious, does Ace have a girlfriend?
Or what about you?
Any special ladies in your life?
You know, I'm just living my life.
Happy as a clam by myself.
All right, well, sorry to bother you.
Sounds good.
Oh, here.
Are you okay?
Do you want to talk about it?
Do I have a choice?
What's up with your arm? Is it like a rash or something?
We talked about this.
I only kill with...
purpose.
If I can't find someone, I...
Sure.
Eva, come look at this.
I was given these lights when I was younger.
They always bring me comfort when it's,
you know, uneasy, chaotic.
It's peaceful.
I can help you.
We can be partners in this,
we can do it together.
We can share this condition you have.
Turn me into what you are.
I was never...
given a choice.
Why am I still here?
That was "Another Ripper"
from Engine Summer.
The band was originally scheduled to play
at Pitch Fork this year, but as you know,
all shows and venues have been closed indefinitely.
I don't mean to be a negative Nancy,
especially on such a special holiday as today.
Grab your lighters and let's take a moment of silence
for the death of all us extroverts
on day 31 of this 2020 pandemic.
Even though it's a holiday,
please wear your fucking masks.
It's not like we're asking you to shove a pickle up your ass.
We apologize for this break of transmission.
We'll return you to our program as soon as possible.
Look at you, man. Smoke on the water.
Yeah, yeah.
Eva!
Oh!
Happy 420!
Sit down. Come on, I got to tell you something.
Oh, yeah.
Let me, uh... Let me get out of here. Let me...
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No, dude, don't take the mask without the ask.
I'll just get fucked in my room, then.
- Fly high. Happy 420. - Fuckin'...
Surprised.
How high are you?
Hello?
What's on your mind?
Here, here.
420!
Okay.
Let's go for a walk and explore.
All right.
Come on.
Ah!
So, sunlight doesn't hurt you.
How about garlic?
Crosses?
There's a lot of religious crap around Chinatown.
Are you in pain?
Ah! I'm melting.
That's not funny.
This isn't some Hollywood picture.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Step on a crack, break your back.
The tropes aren't real, but I am.
You know, another day and I'm gone.
Have you gotten what you want out of me?
Our relationship,
it's a two-way street.
You know, you never told me why you're here.
Why Chinatown?
It's pretty tightknit here.
It seems like such a specific place.
- What is it? - What's wrong with you?
Wha... What...
You don't get to blackmail me one day,
sleep with me the next.
I can't keep up with you.
Listen, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry it felt like blackmail.
I... I...
The truth is, Eva, I'm... I'm curious.
Remember that two-way street?
I'm curious about you and you're curious about me.
Why else are you here?
I'm serious, you could have fled this morning, huh?
You stayed.
What does that say about us?
There's no us, Ace.
- But... - What, but there could be.
No, no. I... I know I'm not your conventional guy...
Take a risk for the ace of spades.
Give me one shot, one chance tonight.
I'll take you out, proper date.
We'll have some deep conversations, or not.
- I can talk enough - Ace...
for the two of us.
I haven't forgotten about you, viewer.
Can you believe this shit I got myself into?
I promise this won't become a romcom.
But he's right.
I'm here.
It's a date.
I tell you, Paul.
It's not easy. Lose my stuff!
I know, it's awful.
And every... everybody's... follow the rules, don't follow
the rules, wear masks, don't wear a mask.
Different information every day.
I'm so ready to get out of here.
People don't think it applies to them.
As soon as this is over, I may look into something else.
I'm really tired of it.
But I would miss you.
I'd miss you, too, but I won't miss this.
I know, I understand.
I mean, I clean up...
Oh, my...
Look at the cigarette butts!
Yeah, they're everywhere, every day.
I'm picking these up.
This is not what I signed up for.
I see a cigarillo tip over there.
It's got COVID on it.
- If I don't do it, somebody... - Get away from the...
No, Paul. I don't want you to die.
Oh, here we go. Part of the problem.
- Oh, happy 420. - Oh, no.
You guys celebrating
or you're starting wars overseas instead?
We're not starting wars and I have no idea what 420 is.
You guys know where I stand on this whole thing
and you're out of here tomorrow.
I can't deal with this right now, Ace.
Well, have you ever heard of rent forgiveness,
especially during this time? The pandemic?
- Have not. - A lot of landlords...
Something you should really check out.
I'm sure they would love to have her as a tenant.
It's really wrong to kick somebody out
- during this time, you know. - Well, take it up...
But that... I guess that's your generation, right?
- Oh, it's my generation. - Generation bust.
'Cause you guys just suck, don't you?
Uh, our generation saved up.
I'm sorry, your name? Karen?
This is between Paul-eye-na and I, thank you.
Nobody said I was nice. I'm just here to do my job.
And if she would live under the rules...
If you did your job, you'd fix the washer-dryer.
Don't worry about the washer and dryer.
She's gonna be gone.
She's actually gonna move in with me upstairs
and we're gonna split the rent.
Oh, you're gonna start paying rent?
Our generation saved up.
Enjoy your day.
Keep hoarding that Lysol, Karen.
We got a giant bong we can hit.
Ugh.
Smoking a bong, real winners.
Did she get you?
She sprayed me in my eye.
Hey, how about you have Karen go disinfect
your saggy balls, Paul?
Yeah, that's real mature.
Like I said that guy's a pushover,
don't worry about it.
It's all right.
Just got a little in my eye.
Looks good.
So, I'll see you tonight?
A couple hours?
Definitely.
It's gonna be a fun day. I promise.
Sure.
That's for you, buddy.
Cheers.
Well, if you don't like lovey-dovey montages,
now would be your time to refill your popcorn.
The city is your market, Eva.
For appetizers, we've got lower whacker whackos.
Oh! On the upper shelves,
you'll find dessert looking down upon you.
Come on, Eva. Let's find you a main course.
Step on up to the butcher's counter,
the financial district. You'll find the expensive,
good cuts of meat.
Let's head down the ethnic foods aisle.
Is that racist? I mean, do different people
have different tastes as vampires?
Peligro!
I'm telling you, Eva.
This is a once in a lifetime event.
I never dreamed I'd live through pandemic.
Look how empty the city is.
It's going to be one hell of a story to share with our kids.
Look, we have to do a little window shopping before dinner.
Since your food's free, we might as well
stimulate the economy with...
Big Brother's dough.
Look at that double tie.
You know, Eva, I was kidding about doing all the talking.
I know you're a little rusty,
but generally that's how conversations work.
Surprisingly, we've been having a lovely evening.
Let's keep it that way.
Even I can ruin evenings like this.
Okay, joking aside, let's head back.
My sweet tooth is aching.
Can't be the only one with an itch
that needs to be scratched.
Really, Eva, this never has to end.
You could stick around
and, you know, we could see where this goes.
We could be a team, partners in crime.
Ace and Eva against the world.
I'm warming up to the idea.
Food for thought.
Oh, one sec. Can't miss this call.
Hello? Oh, you're already here.
Perfect timing.
You're a brave man,
on the front lines at a time like this.
All right, listen.
I need you to do me a... a favor.
There's an ally around the side of the building,
meet me there. We'll be quicker than
Carole Baskin killing her husband.
Oh, no shit!
You're a fan, too?
I'm telling you, she fed him to the tigers.
What kind of person would do that to another human being?
I guess we all got our vices.
Yeah, I'll see you soon, buddy.
What a good dude.
I'm telling you, you can get anything you want
delivered these days.
Hey, pothead.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Don't judge a book by its cover, silly.
Dracula.
- Hey, man. - What's going on, man?
Sorry, man, six feet, man, you know?
Yeah, just trying to stay strict with the social
- distancing, you know? - Totally, totally.
I get that. I just want to give you a tip.
All right. Sure. No problem.
All right, boss.
Do you have any extra chopsticks?
Yeah, man, um, sorry, just a second here.
Here you go.
Now, no fortune cookies.
Bon appétit.
This isn't a game.
Eva, come on, I got this for you.
You remember what I said about ruining the night?
What are you talking about?
Well, you managed.
Eva!
I didn't want this.
Come on, Eva! This literally cost me
an arm and a leg.
Needless to say, Ace didn't get lucky last night.
I came here for a reason.
We need to stay focused, comrades.
I know, I fucked up.
But can you blame me?
It's pretty easy to get lost with Ace.
Lucky viewer,
you and I, we still have each other,
and nobody likes to be alone.
I want to apologize
for my outbursts yesterday.
Going forward, I promise to uphold
the standards you expect here at our station.
We're on day 32 now of what feels
longer than a Chicago winter.
We wish you success with whatever
you're searching for today.
Today is the day.
It's time, I admit.
I'm leaving here with a heavy heart.
And lingering questions.
I've never been one to spend much time
in a single place.
But being here in Chinatown,
it was different.
I arrived seeking purpose,
and it looks like I'll be leaving
with more questions.
Maybe things could have been different.
In another life.
So, how was it being an essential worker today, Walt?
Well...
I kind of realized everyone that used to fly,
that was cool is either dead or on lockdown, so...
Dude, I can't believe she took my car, man.
Like, I didn't even think she had it in her.
Not the first time you've had relationship issues.
You know I don't like labels, Wally.
Have you even seen her face?
Yeah, I saw her face, Walt, are you kidding me?
I haven't.
I don't trust her, man.
I... I know she's one of those people,
she gets what she wants, then she splits.
That's not new for you.
Careful with that Malort, man.
Wally, you need to bite your tongue or I will.
Did somebody order a COVID test?
Now, I know I'm still the student,
but isn't rule number 1,169
always lock your doors?
I can't believe you stole my car.
I mean, I would have lent you the keys if you just asked.
You know, at least before you go,
can I take you to my favorite place in the city?
Please?
Pretty, pretty, pretty please.
I have to finish packing, Ace.
Take me with you.
One hour.
Do you know why this spot is so special, Eva?
Enlighten me.
It's special because we're together.
Always with the zingers.
Never a serious moment.
No, I am being serious.
I sincerely enjoy our time together.
You're a treasure.
Funny thing is, I didn't know I was digging for one.
- Pure gold. - Stop it, Ace.
This was fun until it wasn't.
I wanted things to be...
I tricked myself into believing this could work.
It never will.
Yeah, you're right, you're right.
Maybe I went about it the wrong way,
but I was trying to impress you.
I probably got wrapped up in all the excitement.
I don't know. What I do know...
my feelings are genuine.
And I think that I might love...
you...
Did you just say you loved me?
Hey, you, waterfront's closed.
- Screw you, fat boy. - Fuck, Ace.
Eff off, pig, the other way.
- Come on. - I'm coming.
God...
Hey, did you say...
Yes.
Hey, did you say... did you...
I said it, Eva.
Yeah, love.
What? Nothing?
You're gonna say nothing to that?
What are you running away from?
I meant it.
Here.
I have this for you.
Promise I'll wear it the rest of the quarantine.
I promise.
But I have to go.
And you know this.
No, I know, I know.
Just give me one more night.
Okay? One more night.
Ace.
I've got a great surprise for you.
Ace.
- Please. - Good... Goodbye.
And that's where my story ends.
I packed my things and rode off into the moonlight,
my friends.
Is it okay to call you that?
I guess we shouldn't start a friendship with a lie.
I quickly walked home and...
Not my job to pack her shit...
Great.
Paul, what are you doing?
You're outta here. I'm packing your stuff for you.
- You should be happy. - What do you mean
- you're packing my stuff? - I'm packing your stuff for ya.
You're out of here. We're not gonna negotiate
- about this. You're outta here. - Paul, this is ridiculous.
You shouldn't be going through my stuff.
The tenants complained. You're out.
"Going on?" What do you mean what's going on?
Everybody knows what's going on in this apart...
Hey, Paul. Uh, your mail order bride is waiting for you
- outside? - Hey, how about you help
pack? Right now, we're talking about her and this...
Why are you always down here and why are you always
- yelling at my girl? - Because she's outta this
- apartment and the stuff that... - No, no, no, I... you know, I'm
sick of you pushing my girl around all the time.
- ... on in this apartment. - Yeah, and she pays rent here.
She's not paying rent and she... this apartment stinks.
There's all kinds of stuff going on here...
Well, maybe, maybe, Paul, you should be the landlord
and you should actually fix that.
You know what, kid?
Yeah, why don't you pack some bags and make yourself useful?
I had it with you.
Both of you.
I've had it with you, Paul!
I had it with you, Paul.
Hey, relax, easy.
Hey, guys, let's talk about this. Come on.
You do it, Eva, you deserve it.
- No, hey. - Do it.
We... We can work this out, please.
Just do it! Take him, take him.
Stop!
Rent's paid, Paul.
No.
I shouldn't have...
This was a mistake.
What are you talking about?
- Eva... - This isn't okay, Ace.
Eva, no, no, no. That was... That was amazing.
Okay?
That was exactly what I wanted,
it was exactly what I needed.
We shouldn't have done that.
- Eva... - How did this happen?
I am you and you are me.
I'm not like you.
No, no, don't...
You don't deserve the condition.
Don't...
Don't tell me about having the condition, Eva.
Look at me.
What's wrong with you?
I had a year to live, okay?
I was gonna die in 12 months and you saved me.
Do you understand that?
I was gonna die.
You used me.
I helped you.
You help me.
We're in it together.
I didn't help you. Look at you.
I don't know you.
All you did was trade one sickness for another.
You think you're saved?
You only delayed what was coming.
And you're gonna die alone.
You think we're the same?
We're not.
You think that makes you like me? 'Cause it doesn't.
You're a piece of shit, and I didn't save you.
No, you did save me.
I can't save you.
You piece of shit.
You're sick.
- I'm not sick, I'm not sick. - In the head.
- You're sick. - No, I'm not sick.
I am you and you are me.
And we're gonna live together. You and I.
No, Eva, we are... we are every... we are everything
alike, okay? We are both vampires.
Do you understand that?
Sick, and we both have a condition.
Stop... Stop talking about it as a condition, okay?
It's not a condition.
It's a way to live forever.
You're not gonna live forever.
Not with me.
What, you think you're gonna go?
Is that what you want to do? You want to go?
No, you're not gonna go. You're not gonna go.
You're gonna stay.
You're gonna stay with me.
Okay, you are gonna stay right here.
Just stay. Stay here, Eva!
You're going to stay here with me.
What are you doing?
Welcome to Wally World.
Ace, is that you?
I found three creatures of co...
Ace, what the hell did she do to you?
I had a little accident, Walter.
What happened?
Are you okay?
I did something bad.
Dude, you're not looking good.
I need you to help me clean it off.
Ace, we got to... we got to get you looked at, man.
No, no, no.
We got to take you to the hospital.
It's okay.
Because I feel great.
Oh.
What happened to not doing this anymore, man, huh?
Isn't this what we wanted?
Don't you go anywhere.
Oh, Wally.
What to do with you?
What to do?
Never was a fan of interior design.
One small step for Ace,
one giant step for Walter-kind.
No, we're doing it in here this time, buddy.
I see you watching me.
Now the real journey begins, rookie.
Apologies for that long first act.
With a narrator like her...
I'm honestly surprised you're still here.
Yikes.
There's gonna be some changes around here.
New rules.
First, fake it 'til you make it or die trying.
Oh, and the pandemic?
I think it's all bullshit.
Wrong.
Rule number one: my movie, my story, my ending.
You should have studied harder.
You would've known I was playing dead.
What's the one trope Hollywood got right about vampires?
A piercing to the heart...
never fails.
Eva...
Day 33 of quarantine.
Here's a quick corona update for all you creatures
of the night. The CDC has released a lead
for a possible cure.
We've all heard the virus is possibly linked
to the digestion of a bat from a market in Wuhan.
Surprisingly, a cure may also be linked to these furry
flying mammals, and those that share blood with them.
2020 is starting to feel like a '70s horror flick, huh?
Until next time, here's some "Trouble"
from Chicago's own Grapetooth.
I figured out why I'm here.
I wouldn't have guessed it would've been you I'd fall for.
Eva.
Well, see you soon, my loves.