1 00:00:05,882 --> 00:00:07,675 (rock music playing) 2 00:00:07,759 --> 00:00:09,469 Lookie who's drivin' the sleigh. 3 00:00:09,552 --> 00:00:11,721 Candy fuckin' Smalls! 4 00:00:11,804 --> 00:00:13,890 Thanks for druggin' us last year. 5 00:00:13,973 --> 00:00:16,392 Move it before I rotisserie your asses! 6 00:00:16,476 --> 00:00:18,936 Why should we? You're not even Successor. 7 00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:22,482 You couldn't even get a job as a shopping mall Santa. 8 00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:23,816 That's so mean. 9 00:00:23,900 --> 00:00:25,359 (accelerating) 10 00:00:26,110 --> 00:00:28,237 Rhonda! No! 11 00:00:29,989 --> 00:00:33,326 (cries) When you mess with Candy, you get the cane. 12 00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:38,039 ♪ ♪ 13 00:00:41,751 --> 00:00:45,630 (cries) That doofus, Devin, is gonna be the next Santa. 14 00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:50,343 (joyful music playing) 15 00:00:59,811 --> 00:01:03,147 Ugh, you know, I even practiced how to act surprised 16 00:01:03,231 --> 00:01:04,857 when my name was announced like, 17 00:01:04,941 --> 00:01:07,735 "Me? What? No! I don't deserve it! 18 00:01:07,819 --> 00:01:11,864 I mean, I do, but I'm just so honored." 19 00:01:11,948 --> 00:01:14,408 Ugh! It's so embarrassing. 20 00:01:14,492 --> 00:01:16,369 Do you have honey mustard sauce? 21 00:01:16,452 --> 00:01:20,581 Devin is such a lame choice. Santa used to be a radical. 22 00:01:20,665 --> 00:01:23,543 And now, he's just a company stooge, a sellout. 23 00:01:23,626 --> 00:01:25,545 Yeah, well, Jesus, so are you! 24 00:01:25,628 --> 00:01:29,006 You know, I know about the Christmas Spirit Bar conspiracy. 25 00:01:29,090 --> 00:01:30,550 You disgust me, Brent. 26 00:01:30,633 --> 00:01:32,635 I'm only here because I've alienated 27 00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:34,929 everyone else in my life, drug dealer. 28 00:01:35,012 --> 00:01:38,057 It wasn't my plan. I was just following Santa's orders. 29 00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:40,560 Wait a second, Santa's orders? No, no, no, no. 30 00:01:40,643 --> 00:01:43,229 He told me himself he was in the dark about the meth. 31 00:01:43,312 --> 00:01:44,313 Nothing happens at Santa Inc. 32 00:01:44,397 --> 00:01:46,065 without that guy having a glove in it. 33 00:01:46,148 --> 00:01:47,984 The meth bars were the tip of the iceberg 34 00:01:48,067 --> 00:01:50,653 when it came to the darkness Santa was mired in... 35 00:01:50,736 --> 00:01:53,239 There were bribes to keep the rich kids off the Naughty list, 36 00:01:53,322 --> 00:01:57,451 and make sure the brats got presents instead of the coal they deserved. 37 00:01:57,535 --> 00:02:01,414 And there were insider trading tips inside the stockings. 38 00:02:01,497 --> 00:02:04,166 Get it? Stockings? Like, stock market? 39 00:02:04,250 --> 00:02:05,960 Whatever, he always thought it was hilarious. 40 00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:08,671 Stockings. Stock Market. Hilarious. 41 00:02:08,754 --> 00:02:09,922 (laughs) 42 00:02:10,006 --> 00:02:10,923 Plus, those lap implants 43 00:02:11,007 --> 00:02:12,466 weren't just made with silicone. 44 00:02:12,550 --> 00:02:14,427 There's illegal titanium from the Middle East 45 00:02:14,510 --> 00:02:15,761 in those cozy suckers. 46 00:02:15,845 --> 00:02:17,763 So much corruption. 47 00:02:17,847 --> 00:02:18,931 Not hungry. 48 00:02:19,015 --> 00:02:21,017 Thanks for mentioning that earlier, 49 00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:22,894 sarcasm. 50 00:02:22,977 --> 00:02:24,061 Paparazzi 1: How long is your schlong? 51 00:02:24,145 --> 00:02:25,146 Paparazzi 2: Can you tie it in a knot? 52 00:02:25,229 --> 00:02:26,147 Paparazzi 1: Can you tie it in a bow? 53 00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:27,106 Leave me alone! 54 00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:28,107 Paparazzi 3: Can I tie it for you? 55 00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:29,775 Messin' around. 56 00:02:29,859 --> 00:02:31,402 Devin: Ow! 57 00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:32,445 I'm back to assure you guys 58 00:02:32,528 --> 00:02:35,615 that none of this will change anything. 59 00:02:35,698 --> 00:02:37,909 I'll still stay in my room, write your papers, 60 00:02:37,992 --> 00:02:39,160 let you call me Tub Of Shit. 61 00:02:39,243 --> 00:02:42,121 'pologies, bro, but you need to move out. 62 00:02:42,204 --> 00:02:43,789 My coke dealer's on the corner, 63 00:02:43,873 --> 00:02:45,541 and he is pissed about the press. 64 00:02:45,625 --> 00:02:47,585 So, get your shit, leave right now, 65 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:51,797 love you, bro, invite us to cool shit. 66 00:02:51,881 --> 00:02:53,966 Candy removed the tracking devices. 67 00:02:54,050 --> 00:02:56,928 -No idea where the sleigh is. -What a traitor! 68 00:02:57,011 --> 00:03:00,431 Did I tell you when she told me to "go fuck myself"? 69 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,308 A jillion riveting times, sire. 70 00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:06,729 Then, Mrs. Claus leaves to shack up with a fucking barkeep? 71 00:03:06,812 --> 00:03:08,731 Why is everyone turning on me?! 72 00:03:08,814 --> 00:03:11,067 I'm fuckin' Santa! Everyone loves me. 73 00:03:11,150 --> 00:03:14,111 Mick Jagger texts me every day. 74 00:03:14,195 --> 00:03:15,655 He's thinkin' of growin' an old guy goatee, 75 00:03:15,738 --> 00:03:17,657 and I was like, why would you cover up those lips, idiot? 76 00:03:17,740 --> 00:03:19,700 Everyone loves those fuckin' lips, which reminds me. 77 00:03:19,784 --> 00:03:21,202 Did you find out who was selling my beard hair? 78 00:03:21,285 --> 00:03:25,831 Uh, no. Very hard to track. All those tiny hairs. 79 00:03:25,915 --> 00:03:28,668 Doorbell Carolers (singing): ♪ Answer the door ♪ 80 00:03:28,751 --> 00:03:31,295 -♪ Answer, answer ♪ -Fuck! This doorbell was so cool at first. 81 00:03:31,379 --> 00:03:35,466 What I would not give for a simple, "Ding dong! Ding dong!" 82 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:39,053 -(Doorbell Carolers crying) -That's so mean! We try so hard. 83 00:03:41,472 --> 00:03:42,807 Devin? Why are you here? 84 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:43,849 He's your Successor. 85 00:03:43,933 --> 00:03:45,768 Once you die, he becomes Santa. 86 00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:47,853 Logically, he's, probably, come to murder you. 87 00:03:47,937 --> 00:03:49,522 No, I would never kill anyone! 88 00:03:49,605 --> 00:03:52,066 I just was wonderin' if I could crash for a couple nights? 89 00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:55,695 Stay as long as you want. You know, you are like the son I never had. 90 00:03:55,778 --> 00:03:57,196 You used to say that to me. 91 00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:58,948 Come in, Dev. You look like a guy 92 00:03:59,031 --> 00:04:00,950 who appreciates a half-stale sheet cake. 93 00:04:01,033 --> 00:04:03,494 My fourth favorite food? How did you know? 94 00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,204 Santa: ‘Cause it's my third favorite food! 95 00:04:05,287 --> 00:04:06,539 I've had it! 96 00:04:06,622 --> 00:04:07,707 God, I'm mad! 97 00:04:07,790 --> 00:04:09,250 Santa Inc. is so evil. 98 00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:11,502 So, stay here at Amazon and work with me. 99 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,921 Fuck the North Pole! The future is all about the 100 00:04:14,005 --> 00:04:15,339 (sings) Northwest! 101 00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:18,759 At least Amazon's not pretending to be something it isn't. 102 00:04:18,843 --> 00:04:20,052 It knows it sucks. 103 00:04:20,136 --> 00:04:22,388 Exactly! And we do amazing work. 104 00:04:22,471 --> 00:04:23,806 Ordering face cleanser in bulk, 105 00:04:23,889 --> 00:04:26,684 and havin' it delivered in 11 seconds is everything! 106 00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,644 Your traitorous family and your idiot friends 107 00:04:28,728 --> 00:04:30,271 who abandoned you are nothing. 108 00:04:30,354 --> 00:04:32,648 Whoa, wait. Cookie and Goldie aren't idiots, 109 00:04:32,732 --> 00:04:34,400 and I betrayed my family, too. 110 00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:36,444 (sighs) Whatever. You know what I mean. 111 00:04:36,527 --> 00:04:39,905 Now hop on your new mountain bike, and join me. 112 00:04:39,989 --> 00:04:42,324 -Are you in? -Well... 113 00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:47,788 No, I-I'm sorry. Santa Inc. is my home. 114 00:04:47,872 --> 00:04:51,250 Even if everyone hates me, shuns me, laughs at me, 115 00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:54,420 I have to at least try to help make things better. 116 00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:56,130 But, truly, thanks for everything. 117 00:04:56,213 --> 00:04:58,215 And, hey, thank you for the snacks, Curtis. 118 00:04:58,299 --> 00:05:01,010 Those chicken nuggets were an absolute poem. 119 00:05:01,093 --> 00:05:04,555 The secret is: baste it in its own fat. 120 00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:13,105 (gasps) Ugh, they took everything. 121 00:05:13,189 --> 00:05:14,106 Huh? 122 00:05:14,190 --> 00:05:15,483 (party music plays) 123 00:05:15,566 --> 00:05:18,903 Hey! Check out our new digs! 124 00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:20,613 Look at your mom's tits! 125 00:05:20,696 --> 00:05:23,574 Ugh, I know you're mad at me, and I-I probably 126 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,910 deserved it, but I wanna help now! 127 00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:29,246 Can't hear you! Partying too hard! 128 00:05:29,330 --> 00:05:30,247 Ugh! 129 00:05:30,331 --> 00:05:31,332 (guns cocking) 130 00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:32,625 Candy Smalls! 131 00:05:32,708 --> 00:05:35,711 You're under arrest for Grand Theft Sled! 132 00:05:35,795 --> 00:05:38,255 You'll never catch me alive. Serpentine fake out! 133 00:05:38,339 --> 00:05:40,508 The chase begins-- (grunts) 134 00:05:40,591 --> 00:05:42,093 And the chase ends. 135 00:05:42,176 --> 00:05:43,803 -(siren wails) -(camera clicks) 136 00:05:43,886 --> 00:05:45,805 Wait, did I look too guilty in that one? 137 00:05:45,888 --> 00:05:48,307 Okay... cavity check. 138 00:05:48,390 --> 00:05:50,142 Fine, but it's a total waste of time. 139 00:05:50,226 --> 00:05:51,685 You know, I may be a sugar fiend, 140 00:05:51,769 --> 00:05:54,855 but I am also obsessed with flossing. 141 00:05:54,939 --> 00:05:56,899 You know, death creeps in through the gums. 142 00:05:56,982 --> 00:05:58,275 (growls) 143 00:05:58,359 --> 00:06:00,736 Oh, you don't mean that kind of cavity. 144 00:06:00,820 --> 00:06:02,696 Candy: I should not be locked up in here. 145 00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:03,864 Neither should I. 146 00:06:03,948 --> 00:06:06,492 All I wanna do is give people happy endings. 147 00:06:06,575 --> 00:06:08,160 Hollywood loves 'em, Tra La La, 148 00:06:08,244 --> 00:06:09,870 but in real life, it's a crime. 149 00:06:09,954 --> 00:06:12,456 -What're you in for, Hot Toddy? -Breakin' and enterin'. 150 00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:15,751 Santa does it a million times in one night, it's adorable. 151 00:06:15,835 --> 00:06:19,088 When I do it once in my whole goddamn life, 152 00:06:19,171 --> 00:06:22,299 -I get locked up for years! -Textbook double standard. 153 00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:24,844 There's so much corruption and hypocrisy. 154 00:06:24,927 --> 00:06:27,888 Things have to change. But... but how? 155 00:06:27,972 --> 00:06:30,975 What do you mean "how"? Shake some shit up. 156 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:33,477 Start a revolution, sister! 157 00:06:33,561 --> 00:06:37,690 A revolution? Me? Oh, really? Oh, that's nuts. 158 00:06:37,773 --> 00:06:40,484 I don't like that phrase! 159 00:06:40,568 --> 00:06:43,070 Sorry, my first love was a chestnut. 160 00:06:43,154 --> 00:06:45,281 Smartest woman I ever knew. 161 00:06:45,364 --> 00:06:48,951 Until she roasted herself over that open fire. 162 00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:50,494 You remind me of her. 163 00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:52,246 The, the pre-roasting part, I mean. 164 00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:54,540 I do? But, no, I'm the biggest 165 00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:56,584 laughingstock in the North Pole. 166 00:06:56,667 --> 00:06:58,043 I'm not the next Santa. 167 00:06:58,127 --> 00:07:00,671 I'm just a highly intelligent nobody. 168 00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:01,964 Listen to me, Candy. 169 00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:03,632 You're a coal miner's daughter 170 00:07:03,716 --> 00:07:06,635 who got to the top of the ladder at Santa Inc. 171 00:07:06,719 --> 00:07:08,762 All of us girls in the women's clink 172 00:07:08,846 --> 00:07:11,640 -were rootin' for you to be Santa. -It's true! 173 00:07:11,724 --> 00:07:14,393 We all went on a hunger strike when Santa chose Devin. 174 00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:16,395 -You did?! -We sure as hell did! 175 00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:19,732 Until they broke us with some rigatoni Bolognese. 176 00:07:19,815 --> 00:07:21,275 (softly): So damn delicious... 177 00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:24,778 Anyway, Candy, you'll figure out how to start the revolution, 178 00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:27,072 and change this shitty place. 179 00:07:27,156 --> 00:07:30,034 And when you do, send me a pound cake with a file in it. 180 00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:32,286 Thanks for believing in me, you guys. 181 00:07:32,369 --> 00:07:33,996 It feels good, really. 182 00:07:34,079 --> 00:07:38,959 But I'm currently incarcerated, so I can't do anything. 183 00:07:39,043 --> 00:07:41,670 Candy Smalls! You have a visitor. 184 00:07:41,754 --> 00:07:43,672 Biscuit! Wow! Oh my god, you guys, 185 00:07:43,756 --> 00:07:46,091 Biscuit is my best friend's cousin from England. 186 00:07:46,175 --> 00:07:48,677 She's like a super high-powered lawyer. 187 00:07:48,761 --> 00:07:50,971 I'm sorry. Barrister. 188 00:07:51,055 --> 00:07:52,264 Did Cookie bail me out?! 189 00:07:52,348 --> 00:07:55,142 Dear me. Unfortunately, no. 190 00:07:55,226 --> 00:07:57,645 My cousin is still extremely pissed with you 191 00:07:57,728 --> 00:07:59,939 for quote, "being a dick," unquote. 192 00:08:00,022 --> 00:08:02,608 Your bail came from an anonymous Super PAC. 193 00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:05,444 Now let's get out of this shit box. 194 00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:08,822 -Help the cause, Candy! -Fight for us all! 195 00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:11,909 Goodbye, Hot Toddy. Goodbye, Tra La La. 196 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,827 You haven't heard the last of me, 197 00:08:13,911 --> 00:08:16,121 -I promise! -Yes! You got this! 198 00:08:16,205 --> 00:08:18,040 -Come on, Candy! You go, girl! -Don't forget about the cake, 199 00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:19,708 and if you can make it a pound cake-- 200 00:08:19,792 --> 00:08:21,126 -Reporter 1: Candy, what's the story? -Reporter 2: Candy... 201 00:08:21,210 --> 00:08:23,045 -(reporters shouting) -Santa! 202 00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:25,339 -Candy-- -Please don't speak to my client. 203 00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:28,342 Ugh, I've decided I am not going to press charges 204 00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:33,305 because of my gigantic and incredibly cool heart! 205 00:08:33,389 --> 00:08:36,183 Uh, and also, you know what, you're fired, you fuckin' wise-ass. 206 00:08:36,267 --> 00:08:37,935 Uh,‘cause you told me to "go fuck myself," 207 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:40,646 which I'm totally over, never hurt in the first place, 208 00:08:40,729 --> 00:08:42,481 -but still, fuck you. -Pff! No biggie. 209 00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:45,484 I was just about to quit, so it doesn't count as being fired anyway. 210 00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:47,111 But ha ha, you didn't quit, 211 00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:49,989 so, uh, you're fired. I win. Fuck you. 212 00:08:50,072 --> 00:08:51,490 You're fired as fuck, motherfucker. 213 00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:52,825 Fine, I'm free. 214 00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:55,160 I'd rather be an unpaid intern at Passover 215 00:08:55,244 --> 00:08:57,162 then work for your stupid company. 216 00:08:57,246 --> 00:09:00,165 Great, go have some roaring haroset, and get lost. 217 00:09:00,249 --> 00:09:02,167 Good, I love haroset. I love the combination 218 00:09:02,251 --> 00:09:03,669 of flavors. It's delicious. 219 00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,504 Stop squeezing my hand so hard. 220 00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:07,131 Wait, is that morse code? 221 00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,841 Are you squeezing, "Go fuck yourself"? 222 00:09:08,924 --> 00:09:10,843 Why, yes, I am, and no one knows it, 223 00:09:10,926 --> 00:09:13,887 which is cool as shit. So, guess what? I win! 224 00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:15,764 Ugh, I-- You know what, show's over. 225 00:09:15,848 --> 00:09:17,266 Thank you for coming, everyone! 226 00:09:17,349 --> 00:09:19,184 Goddammit, it stings every time. 227 00:09:19,268 --> 00:09:20,394 Gosh, that was easy money. 228 00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:22,521 Sorry about your job, but what're you doing now? 229 00:09:22,605 --> 00:09:25,190 I gotta clean out my office, and steal some office supplies 230 00:09:25,274 --> 00:09:27,693 because no matter how alone I am in this fight, 231 00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:31,155 my revolution will be collated. 232 00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:35,993 -(Candy gasps) -Candy, I'm so sorry. 233 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:38,495 My dream was that Santa and I would one day 234 00:09:38,579 --> 00:09:40,831 do a classic rock karaoke duet. 235 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:43,917 Not that he'd make me the next Santa! That was your dream. 236 00:09:44,001 --> 00:09:45,919 Stop. It's, It's not your fault. 237 00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:49,882 It was your beard, and your gut, and your dick. 238 00:09:49,965 --> 00:09:52,718 And your college, and your frat choice, 239 00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:55,554 and your-- I guess, your personality. 240 00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:59,058 Hey, I was just... looking for Devin. 241 00:09:59,141 --> 00:10:01,685 Goldie, you're looking well. 242 00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:03,896 Candace Ellen Smalls. 243 00:10:03,979 --> 00:10:05,564 Awkward! 244 00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:08,359 Ooh, guys. Who's gonna talk? Who's gonna talk next? 245 00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:10,235 I-I'm sorry. I was a bitch. 246 00:10:10,319 --> 00:10:13,155 But I, I thought that if you were my true bitch 247 00:10:13,238 --> 00:10:15,991 that you wouldn't bitch about me being such a bitch. 248 00:10:16,075 --> 00:10:21,288 But I was being a little bitch, and I apologize. 249 00:10:21,372 --> 00:10:24,875 I'm so sorry, and I, I love you. 250 00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:30,506 -Oh. -Aw, this is sweet. 251 00:10:30,589 --> 00:10:32,174 And you know what's kinda weird-a-roo 252 00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:36,095 in like a super cosmic fate-y kinda way? 253 00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:38,263 I would never have even been on Santa's radar 254 00:10:38,347 --> 00:10:40,349 if it hadn't been for what Goldie told me to do. 255 00:10:40,432 --> 00:10:43,310 Goldie?! You told Devin to go for Successor? 256 00:10:43,394 --> 00:10:45,896 Even though you knew it was my dream? 257 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,773 You know what, you have always been jealous of me 258 00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:51,026 -because I accomplish things while you're stuck on the bench! -No! 259 00:10:51,110 --> 00:10:52,653 Devin, why're you saying that? 260 00:10:52,736 --> 00:10:54,613 Well, in a way, you did, babe. 261 00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:56,615 You told me you wanted a partner with a career, 262 00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:58,283 so I got all ambitious. 263 00:10:58,367 --> 00:11:01,370 Oh, she inspired you, oopsie. 264 00:11:01,453 --> 00:11:05,207 That's on me. I'm good now. Phew! False-o alarm-o. 265 00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:07,751 Nope, because now I am fucking pissed! 266 00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:10,796 You think I'd hurt you like that because I'm jealous of you?! 267 00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:14,466 I was happy when I heard Devin was gonna be Santa instead of you. 268 00:11:14,550 --> 00:11:16,593 Wow, really nice. That is so fucked! 269 00:11:16,677 --> 00:11:20,055 I thought everything would go back to normal, and I'd get my friend back, 270 00:11:20,139 --> 00:11:22,724 but I'd rather sit on that bench for a thousand years 271 00:11:22,808 --> 00:11:25,227 before sitting in this room with you for one more second. 272 00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:28,355 I-- You-- We're not even sitting! 273 00:11:28,439 --> 00:11:30,524 And, god, we shouldn't even be fighting! 274 00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:34,027 We're all just collateral damage in a much bigger conspiracy. 275 00:11:34,111 --> 00:11:36,989 Conspiracy? Do you realize how nuts you sound? 276 00:11:37,072 --> 00:11:39,116 Girl fights are so weird. 277 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,869 The Igma Loo bros would just smash my face into a door, 278 00:11:41,952 --> 00:11:43,245 and all would be forgiven. 279 00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:44,621 Simple and civilized. 280 00:11:44,705 --> 00:11:45,664 Goldie/Candy: Shut up, Devin! 281 00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:48,125 -Shut up, Candy! -You shut up, Goldie! 282 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:51,128 Ugh, I need a fucking drink. 283 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,838 I feel like this is my fault. 284 00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:54,506 Candy: Yeah, it is, dumb fuck! 285 00:11:54,590 --> 00:11:55,591 Oops. 286 00:11:57,968 --> 00:11:59,178 Mrs. Claus: Hey. 287 00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:01,054 Mm, dammit, you're sexy. 288 00:12:01,138 --> 00:12:06,185 The last time Santa told me that was in 1969 at Spruce Stock, 289 00:12:06,268 --> 00:12:08,687 when "Blowing In The Snow" was playing. 290 00:12:12,024 --> 00:12:14,234 Holy mother of May and December. 291 00:12:14,318 --> 00:12:18,197 Ah! James, you can turn around right this instant. 292 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:19,865 If Santa wants to talk to me, 293 00:12:19,948 --> 00:12:21,492 he can drag his butt here himself. 294 00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:26,246 This is not about Santa. It's about... this! 295 00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:30,042 Uh, no idea what that means, but it seems private. 296 00:12:30,125 --> 00:12:33,629 I acted out because I felt trapped in my life. 297 00:12:33,712 --> 00:12:36,381 A little... Claus-trophobic? 298 00:12:36,465 --> 00:12:37,591 Yes! 299 00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:40,093 I could kick myself for never thinking of that. 300 00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:42,262 I felt so sheltered and useless. 301 00:12:42,346 --> 00:12:44,848 I wanted to feel like a young girl again. 302 00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:47,976 -A young girl who sold hair? -(Mrs. Claus sighs) 303 00:12:48,060 --> 00:12:50,354 My father, Leonard Senior, was a barber, 304 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:53,607 and every night we'd peddle the day's shavings to the poor 305 00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:58,737 for them to use for pillow and mattress stuffings, and hair dolls. 306 00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:03,075 I came from nothing, and then, grew up to have everything, 307 00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:06,036 and still feel like I wasted my life. 308 00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:09,748 (singing) ♪ Try to burn me with deceit and lies ♪ 309 00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:14,586 ♪ 'Cause in the end, like a phoenix ♪ 310 00:13:14,670 --> 00:13:17,839 ♪ I'll rise ♪ 311 00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:21,885 Dave-Pierre! Dave-Pierre! Hello? I need some advice. 312 00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:24,012 How do I make big changes to-- 313 00:13:24,096 --> 00:13:26,598 Hey... Huh? 314 00:13:26,682 --> 00:13:28,475 -What the hell? -I left Santa 315 00:13:28,559 --> 00:13:29,935 because he's the worst, 316 00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:31,895 and I moved in with Dave-Pierre, 317 00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:34,273 and I have no regrets. (chuckles) 318 00:13:34,356 --> 00:13:37,651 This man's tongue was built for giving women orgasms. 319 00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:40,153 -(Mrs. Claus laughs) -What can I say, I've been blessed. 320 00:13:40,237 --> 00:13:44,116 And I came here as a safe haven to vent about how much Santa sucks. 321 00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:47,536 Oh my god. Is this anger because he didn't pick me as Successor? 322 00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:49,871 You guys, I'm moved! 323 00:13:49,955 --> 00:13:51,456 That is not the whole story. 324 00:13:51,540 --> 00:13:53,375 Don't you dare be moved by me! 325 00:13:53,458 --> 00:13:54,835 Well, Jingle Jim, I do dare. 326 00:13:54,918 --> 00:13:57,796 And guess what? I have a plan to take that fucker down. 327 00:13:57,879 --> 00:14:00,632 I am going to start a revolution of one. 328 00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:02,384 My allies may despise me, 329 00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:04,720 but I alone can single-handedly fix 330 00:14:04,803 --> 00:14:07,306 this deceptively adorable empire! 331 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,475 Uh... clap now. 332 00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:13,645 Oh, Candy, this is exactly what tripped you up with Successor. 333 00:14:13,729 --> 00:14:15,355 You thought you could do it all by yourself. 334 00:14:15,439 --> 00:14:17,441 You can't make this kind of change alone. 335 00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,068 You need us. And everyone. 336 00:14:20,152 --> 00:14:22,446 All of the workers oppressed by Santa Inc. 337 00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:24,448 As much as it pains me to be nice to you, 338 00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,491 you're the person to lead it, Candy. 339 00:14:26,575 --> 00:14:28,660 People rooted for you to be the next Santa. 340 00:14:28,744 --> 00:14:31,330 Despite that annoying, high-pitched voice of yours, 341 00:14:31,413 --> 00:14:33,790 -I believe they'll listen to you. -No, they won't! 342 00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:36,418 I was an asshole, and everyone despises me. 343 00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,378 What could ever change that? 344 00:14:38,462 --> 00:14:41,298 -You could apologize to them. -He's right! 345 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:43,383 Women are always apologizing. 346 00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:44,676 You should be good at that! 347 00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:47,179 Yeah, well, it's not that easy, Mrs. Claus. 348 00:14:47,262 --> 00:14:51,141 -I mean, I tried with Goldie. It just made it worse. -Try harder. 349 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:53,477 Jesus, this new Mrs. Claus is pushy. 350 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,188 But, yeah, let's do this! Together! 351 00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:57,522 (all cheering) 352 00:14:57,606 --> 00:14:59,024 (crying) 353 00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:01,693 I'm sorry. You know, I did things 354 00:15:01,777 --> 00:15:04,571 I never thought I would do to become the next Santa. 355 00:15:04,655 --> 00:15:07,199 I keep thinking about the South Pole trip. 356 00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:09,451 You know, how happy I was when everyone said 357 00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:10,702 I was "one of the guys." 358 00:15:10,786 --> 00:15:12,746 It was so weird and off-brand, 359 00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,373 but I didn't wanna say anything. 360 00:15:14,456 --> 00:15:15,707 You were so psyched. 361 00:15:15,791 --> 00:15:17,959 So, I just talked shit about you with Goldie later. 362 00:15:18,043 --> 00:15:20,337 All I want now is to be one of the girls. 363 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,547 -Too bad Goldie still hates me. -I know. 364 00:15:22,631 --> 00:15:25,050 I heard about your fight. It sounds ugly, 365 00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:27,678 but I've been going through a lot myself. 366 00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:30,430 Tomorrow, I'm quitting my job at the factory. 367 00:15:30,514 --> 00:15:32,057 But this is what you always wanted, 368 00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:35,894 a baby, a husband, a career, a, a premature ham-- 369 00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:38,897 You have a career, or... had one. 370 00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:42,192 I stare into space, stirring a bunch of melted sugar. 371 00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,778 When Fun Size tried to assassinate his babysitter, 372 00:15:44,861 --> 00:15:48,281 I realized he's not happy, and neither am I. 373 00:15:48,365 --> 00:15:49,866 I missed his first steps. 374 00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:52,411 Is it really worth missing my kid's whole childhood? 375 00:15:52,494 --> 00:15:54,746 Ah, it sounds like the right move. 376 00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:56,998 But can you hold on a little longer? 377 00:15:57,082 --> 00:15:58,959 I, I need your help. 378 00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:01,336 Ooh, you know how I love being needed. 379 00:16:01,420 --> 00:16:02,713 What is going on? 380 00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:05,090 I can't get into it, but do me a favor, 381 00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:07,008 and bring the factory women to a meeting. 382 00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:08,135 It's on Thanksgiving. 383 00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:09,302 I don't know, Candy. 384 00:16:09,386 --> 00:16:10,929 I wanna be home for the holidays. 385 00:16:11,012 --> 00:16:12,556 I already promised Craig I'd hang out 386 00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:15,475 while he made a dry turkey for his horrible family. 387 00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:17,894 Did I tell you his sister's dating an ornament? 388 00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:19,771 Everyone's freaking out about it. 389 00:16:19,855 --> 00:16:23,233 I get it. I do. But just please think about it. 390 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:26,570 It's not just about me and my ego this time, I promise. 391 00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:30,449 So, I wanted to apologize for how I, uh... 392 00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:34,286 manipulated the situation at the golf course. 393 00:16:34,369 --> 00:16:37,664 I'm, uh, sorry, Junior. 394 00:16:37,748 --> 00:16:39,249 Oh, Candy. 395 00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:41,501 If you thought coming here and apologizing to me 396 00:16:41,585 --> 00:16:45,797 would mean I'd stop being a rude asshole to you, you're wrong. 397 00:16:45,881 --> 00:16:50,802 Now I'm going to be a rude, vengeful asshole, Tiny Brain. 398 00:16:50,886 --> 00:16:52,012 What's that supposed to mean? 399 00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:55,223 "Duh... what's 'Tiny Brain' mean?" 400 00:16:55,307 --> 00:16:59,186 Elves have tiny brains, and lady elves have the tiniest. 401 00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:02,105 I used to know your mother, so I know. 402 00:17:02,189 --> 00:17:03,732 You did? I, I had no idea-- 403 00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:06,985 All women are whores, and all elves are trash, 404 00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:09,321 and all women elves are trashy whores. 405 00:17:09,404 --> 00:17:13,366 So, I do not accept your apology, you trashy whore elf! 406 00:17:13,450 --> 00:17:16,203 -(Junior grunts) -Wow, that guy is fucked up. 407 00:17:16,286 --> 00:17:18,789 Look, I know we've had a complicated relationship, 408 00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:21,124 and I-I'm sorry I betrayed you all. 409 00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:23,084 Come on, Candy. 410 00:17:23,168 --> 00:17:24,419 I'm rich. 411 00:17:24,503 --> 00:17:27,672 I don't give two shits about anything anymore. 412 00:17:27,756 --> 00:17:29,216 Mom, do you forgive me? 413 00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:30,342 I will... 414 00:17:30,425 --> 00:17:32,219 when you call all the Board members, 415 00:17:32,302 --> 00:17:34,888 and recommend me as a mistress. 416 00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,224 Here's some talking points. 417 00:17:37,307 --> 00:17:39,851 "My mom never met a shaft she couldn't crank, 418 00:17:39,935 --> 00:17:45,023 but, beware, Big Candy may cause extreme horniness." 419 00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:47,901 -Fine. Tony? -I might be covered in bling, yeah, 420 00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:50,570 but I still feel like shit because of you. 421 00:17:50,654 --> 00:17:53,573 Why didn't anyone tell us money doesn't bring happiness? 422 00:17:53,657 --> 00:17:55,909 I feel like it's a pretty common thing you hear a lot. 423 00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:57,869 I don't care. It sucks! 424 00:17:57,953 --> 00:18:00,288 There's only one thing I want from you, Candy, 425 00:18:00,372 --> 00:18:04,000 and only then will we be cool again. 426 00:18:04,084 --> 00:18:09,422 (singing) ♪ If there is nothing under the tree ♪ 427 00:18:09,506 --> 00:18:11,925 ♪ Don't be sad ♪ 428 00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:17,180 ♪ You'll always have me ♪ 429 00:18:17,264 --> 00:18:21,434 ♪ Me, me, me, me ♪ 430 00:18:22,853 --> 00:18:27,482 (guitar riffs) 431 00:18:27,566 --> 00:18:29,109 ♪ Me ♪ 432 00:18:29,192 --> 00:18:32,404 Y-You'll always have me, and that's a promise. 433 00:18:32,487 --> 00:18:36,867 That was truly beautiful. Like, really, Tony. 434 00:18:36,950 --> 00:18:39,995 I mean, the previous 20 songs were garbage, but... 435 00:18:40,078 --> 00:18:41,788 you know, you're like a monkey at a typewriter. 436 00:18:41,872 --> 00:18:43,248 Every so often you get it right. 437 00:18:43,331 --> 00:18:45,917 Well, we all know I love monkeys, so, huh... 438 00:18:46,001 --> 00:18:47,544 -Thanks, Sis. -Love you, bro. 439 00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:50,505 It's taken 20 years, but I'm glad we cleared the air. 440 00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:54,050 -(flatulence) -(all laughing) 441 00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:55,760 Santa: Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. 442 00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:56,887 Glad you could make it, Almonds. 443 00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:58,430 I feel like I need some counsel. 444 00:18:58,513 --> 00:19:00,599 You know, I, I hope I didn't take you away from your family. 445 00:19:00,682 --> 00:19:02,517 Well, my quadruplets are only nine months. 446 00:19:02,601 --> 00:19:04,477 They'll retain no memory of the abandonment, 447 00:19:04,561 --> 00:19:07,272 and my husband is a sociopath. He feels nothing. 448 00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:08,940 In other words, all good! 449 00:19:09,024 --> 00:19:11,109 Do you think I've changed over the years? 450 00:19:11,192 --> 00:19:13,403 Have I stopped caring about what's important? 451 00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:15,906 Santa, you're fuckin' fine. Women suck. 452 00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:18,158 Candy sucks, your wife sucks. 453 00:19:18,241 --> 00:19:19,993 My mother was a fuckin' monster. 454 00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:22,621 She told me my nose made me look like a fuckin' freak, 455 00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:24,789 and made me paint it with nail polish to hide it! 456 00:19:24,873 --> 00:19:28,251 The only woman who I thought was cool was a tiny-brained elf 457 00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:31,963 I loved who rejected me for a coal miner! 458 00:19:32,047 --> 00:19:34,341 Me?! I fuck human models! 459 00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:37,969 Are you talking about Big Candy? She was the love of your life?! 460 00:19:38,053 --> 00:19:41,222 Wow, Sherlock Holmes just crashed our dinner. 461 00:19:41,306 --> 00:19:42,557 Now fuck off, B-Team. 462 00:19:42,641 --> 00:19:44,351 Oh, god. Junior sucks. 463 00:19:44,434 --> 00:19:45,936 This is turning into the creepiest 464 00:19:46,019 --> 00:19:47,312 Thanksgiving of my life. 465 00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:49,064 I'll take care of this. 466 00:19:49,147 --> 00:19:50,982 So, uh... ding, ding, ding. 467 00:19:51,066 --> 00:19:53,151 I'd like to make a holiday toast. 468 00:19:53,235 --> 00:19:55,779 Uh, in the immortal words of my fourth-grade teacher, 469 00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:59,282 Mr. Joopy, who was later arrested for dating a student, 470 00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:02,160 "If no one else will let you sit at their lunch table, 471 00:20:02,244 --> 00:20:03,787 there's always room at mine." 472 00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:05,914 Hey, hey did you see my new barracuda fish? 473 00:20:05,997 --> 00:20:08,249 The Board got them for me as a Successor pick bonus. 474 00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:10,210 They glow in the dark all the time. 475 00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:13,338 It's like watching a bunch of cell phones float around in a tank. 476 00:20:15,423 --> 00:20:18,343 (mischievous music plays) 477 00:20:27,644 --> 00:20:30,355 (indistinct chatter) 478 00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:34,943 Uh, hi, hey. Can I have everyone's attention? 479 00:20:37,612 --> 00:20:38,530 (coughs) 480 00:20:42,826 --> 00:20:44,661 Hi! Keep talking, keep talking. 481 00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:48,873 Friends, co-workers, and family, 482 00:20:48,957 --> 00:20:51,293 thank you so much for being here. 483 00:20:51,376 --> 00:20:53,253 I'm gonna say this plain and simple, 484 00:20:53,336 --> 00:20:57,382 we are all sick of the shit that goes on at Santa Inc. 485 00:20:57,465 --> 00:21:00,260 So, let's change things! Who's with me? 486 00:21:00,343 --> 00:21:03,054 I've been forced to sit my partridge ass 487 00:21:03,138 --> 00:21:05,890 in this goddamn pear tree for 20 years 488 00:21:05,974 --> 00:21:07,976 with a debilitating pear allergy 489 00:21:08,059 --> 00:21:10,312 just because of some stupid song! 490 00:21:10,395 --> 00:21:13,773 Are you aware of what sores looks like on a partridge?! 491 00:21:13,857 --> 00:21:16,401 Because they do not look like regular sores! 492 00:21:16,484 --> 00:21:20,155 -They look like... this! -Oh my god, my eye holes! 493 00:21:20,238 --> 00:21:23,700 I complained to all the department heads, but no one ever cared! 494 00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:27,579 Every time I pick mistletoe, I get sexually assaulted. 495 00:21:27,662 --> 00:21:29,706 Turtle doves are being replaced with tortoise doves, 496 00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:32,250 and no one says anything! What are you gonna do? 497 00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:34,169 Listen, listen! 498 00:21:34,252 --> 00:21:35,712 I have a plan, 499 00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:40,091 and it is going to blow your minds. 500 00:21:40,175 --> 00:21:44,763 (all cheering) 501 00:21:46,264 --> 00:21:49,350 (light music playing) 502 00:21:56,316 --> 00:22:01,446 ♪ If there is nothing under the tree ♪ 503 00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:08,369 ♪ Don't be sad, you'll always have me ♪ 504 00:22:09,370 --> 00:22:13,333 ♪ Me, me, me, me ♪ 505 00:22:16,252 --> 00:22:19,339 (guitar riffs) 506 00:22:33,895 --> 00:22:40,777 ♪ Don't be sad, you'll always have me ♪ 507 00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:42,821 Y-You'll always have me.