1
00:00:06,215 --> 00:00:08,259
(grand music playing)

2
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:11,220
(commotion)

3
00:00:11,304 --> 00:00:14,348
(indistinct chatter)

4
00:00:16,309 --> 00:00:18,227
I'm here live outside
of Santa's mansion,

5
00:00:18,311 --> 00:00:20,354
where he and The Board
have been meeting all day

6
00:00:20,438 --> 00:00:23,441
on the decision for who
will be the next Successor.

7
00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:24,984
Recent polls show
Candy Smalls

8
00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:26,944
has a commanding
lead over her rivals,

9
00:00:27,028 --> 00:00:29,071
despite initial
concerns that
the public

10
00:00:29,155 --> 00:00:30,656
would reject
a female Santa.

11
00:00:30,740 --> 00:00:33,367
Now, as soon as
that Christmas tree
behind me lights up,

12
00:00:33,451 --> 00:00:35,828
the choice for Successor
will have been made.

13
00:00:35,912 --> 00:00:39,207
Candy Smalls is
the worst boss ever!

14
00:00:39,290 --> 00:00:40,750
She forced me to do
horrible things,

15
00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:42,335
and then fired me
when I wouldn't.

16
00:00:42,418 --> 00:00:45,671
Breaking news!
Are you referring
to coerced sexual acts?

17
00:00:45,755 --> 00:00:50,760
Ew, no!
She made me work even
when I was hungover.

18
00:00:50,843 --> 00:00:52,470
(cheers and applause)

19
00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:53,596
Mazel Tov!

20
00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:55,556
There is a new Successor, folks.

21
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,643
And keeping with tradition,
in exactly 30 minutes,

22
00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:01,062
Santa will announce
who will be the next

23
00:01:01,145 --> 00:01:02,939
face of Christmas!

24
00:01:03,022 --> 00:01:07,652
T-minus 30 until
a vagina finally
sits in the red suit!

25
00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:09,821
Or another penis.
Who knows?

26
00:01:09,904 --> 00:01:11,656
Everybody, drink up!

27
00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:13,074
(cheering)

28
00:01:13,616 --> 00:01:15,243
Ha, ha.

29
00:01:15,326 --> 00:01:17,829
I have a really good
feeling about tonight.

30
00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:21,332
(joyful music playing)

31
00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:28,339
♪ ♪

32
00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:36,931
I'm Jonathan Silverbell,
and we are 28 minutes away

33
00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:38,599
from this historic moment.

34
00:01:38,683 --> 00:01:40,184
Any thoughts on Candy Smalls?

35
00:01:40,268 --> 00:01:44,063
This "Candy-monium" may be
"inspiring" and "cute,"

36
00:01:44,146 --> 00:01:45,189
but it's unearned.

37
00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:46,732
Santas have always been male.

38
00:01:46,816 --> 00:01:50,319
For the same reason there
have only been male explorers

39
00:01:50,403 --> 00:01:53,406
or U.S. Presidents
or serial killers.

40
00:01:53,489 --> 00:01:57,827
I think Timmy the Toy Guy would
make a much more solid choice.

41
00:01:57,910 --> 00:02:00,079
But not from
a psychological standpoint.

42
00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:02,248
For Santa, every chimney jump

43
00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:06,210
is a trip down
the vaginal canal, a re-birth.

44
00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:08,170
Since Timmy was
a C-section baby,

45
00:02:08,254 --> 00:02:09,463
this is irrelevant to him.

46
00:02:09,547 --> 00:02:12,049
Are you all crazy?
Timmy's a fucking Neo-Nazi!

47
00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:14,218
And I know I call
a lot of people that,

48
00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:15,595
but he really is.

49
00:02:15,678 --> 00:02:19,807
Keep the rumors
in your annex, Anne Frank.

50
00:02:19,891 --> 00:02:23,102
Oh my!
You have to watch
this, Nick.

51
00:02:23,186 --> 00:02:24,145
Look at that crowd.

52
00:02:24,228 --> 00:02:25,646
It's like
I'm headlining Coachella!

53
00:02:25,730 --> 00:02:26,898
It's exciting.

54
00:02:26,981 --> 00:02:29,609
The announcement
of the first female Santa.

55
00:02:29,692 --> 00:02:31,861
I assume you're
picking Candy, right?

56
00:02:31,944 --> 00:02:34,280
You know I'm sworn
to secrecy but trust me,

57
00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:37,116
I'm makin'
the right choice,
a solid choice.

58
00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:40,119
C'mon, just tell me
it's Candy so I can relax.

59
00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:42,622
I know how to get
it out of you.

60
00:02:42,705 --> 00:02:44,332
Yes, I do.

61
00:02:45,416 --> 00:02:47,084
(laughs)
Oh-ho, I can't tell!

62
00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:48,461
I took an oath!
(laughs)

63
00:02:48,544 --> 00:02:51,505
It's serious business
even though I'm laughing!

64
00:02:51,589 --> 00:02:53,507
Fucking stop!
I don't like it. Stop.

65
00:02:53,591 --> 00:02:58,512
When you chose Brent,
I was in on every moment
of that decision.

66
00:02:58,596 --> 00:03:00,890
Oh yes, that's when
I was a partner,

67
00:03:00,973 --> 00:03:02,808
and not just
some idiot wife.

68
00:03:02,892 --> 00:03:06,270
Honestly, I don't have
the energy for this
fuckin' shit, dude, okay?

69
00:03:06,354 --> 00:03:09,482
Tonight's clutch time.
All I need is support.
Thank you.

70
00:03:09,565 --> 00:03:12,485
Candy Smalls, insiders say
you've got this locked up.

71
00:03:12,568 --> 00:03:14,528
Well, there are
several contenders

72
00:03:14,612 --> 00:03:16,781
here who would make
fantastic Santas.

73
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:19,617
I guess what I'm saying,
Cuthbert, is I'm hopeful,

74
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,495
but I'm not measuring
the drapes quite yet.

75
00:03:22,578 --> 00:03:24,330
Measure this, viper!

76
00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:26,290
Hello, eligible men
of the world!

77
00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:27,124
I'm the Mommy.

78
00:03:27,208 --> 00:03:28,376
Uh, no.
Not my Mother.

79
00:03:28,459 --> 00:03:30,628
Just a schizophrenic
drug-addicted rapist.

80
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,964
I, I should probably
get her back to prison.

81
00:03:33,047 --> 00:03:35,007
Too bad, I was hoping
to interview your

82
00:03:35,091 --> 00:03:36,050
nearest and dearest.

83
00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:38,260
Get the insight
on the real you.

84
00:03:38,344 --> 00:03:40,304
Well, you should talk
to my best friends.

85
00:03:40,388 --> 00:03:43,015
They're, uh, um,
where are they?

86
00:03:43,099 --> 00:03:44,809
We really have
to go to this shit?

87
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:46,894
Stop asking
me that, yes!

88
00:03:46,978 --> 00:03:50,147
Our best friend
is about to become
the next Santa.

89
00:03:50,231 --> 00:03:51,399
We have to be there.

90
00:03:51,482 --> 00:03:53,567
She just doesn't seem
like my best friend anymore.

91
00:03:53,651 --> 00:03:54,694
Come on. She's busy.

92
00:03:54,777 --> 00:03:56,529
And that allows her
to completely blow us off

93
00:03:56,612 --> 00:03:58,280
after 20 years
of friendship?

94
00:03:58,364 --> 00:04:00,366
We just need to rally
for the bitch.

95
00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:04,662
(gasps)
Wow, when I say "bitch,"
I kind of mean "bitch."

96
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:06,747
That's intense.
C'mon, Craig!

97
00:04:06,831 --> 00:04:09,709
Jemma, keep Fun Size
away from the scissors.

98
00:04:09,792 --> 00:04:12,962
He's obsessed
with them lately.

99
00:04:13,045 --> 00:04:15,256
Larson, uh, polls show
that you're way down

100
00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:17,717
because of recent
allegations of infidelity,

101
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:20,302
sexual harassment,
and statutory rape.

102
00:04:20,386 --> 00:04:21,345
Would you like
to say anything

103
00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:23,389
to the women who feel
betrayed by you?

104
00:04:23,472 --> 00:04:24,432
L-Look, let me be clear.

105
00:04:24,515 --> 00:04:26,392
I am a man
who loves women.

106
00:04:26,475 --> 00:04:29,478
Like my hot wife,
and hot adult stepdaughters.

107
00:04:29,562 --> 00:04:32,398
But a woman doesn't have
to be hot for me to love her.

108
00:04:32,481 --> 00:04:36,360
To me, the sexiest woman who
ever lived is Eleanor Roosevelt.

109
00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:38,362
(retches)

110
00:04:38,446 --> 00:04:40,197
(laughs)
I don't believe any

111
00:04:40,281 --> 00:04:42,074
of these insane
allegations.

112
00:04:42,158 --> 00:04:44,410
How could my husband
be such a monster

113
00:04:44,493 --> 00:04:46,704
when he surprised me
with Celine Dion tickets

114
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:49,874
-for our anniversary?
-And in the mezzanine, too!

115
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:51,125
Not cheap.

116
00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:53,502
Everyone knows
how much I care

117
00:04:53,586 --> 00:04:55,588
about the welfare
of women.

118
00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:59,341
Grandpa Smalls:
Everybody!
This is the big night!

119
00:04:59,425 --> 00:05:03,137
But let's not forget
what's truly important:

120
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:06,599
we get 10% of all
winners' bets. Ha-hoo!

121
00:05:06,682 --> 00:05:10,227
You can't do that in here.
It's fucking illegal!

122
00:05:10,311 --> 00:05:12,229
(softly):
But let's see
how I'm doing.

123
00:05:12,313 --> 00:05:15,024
Ooh, even odds!
Woo! Yes, bitch!

124
00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:17,777
All the retired coal miners
bet on you, even though

125
00:05:17,860 --> 00:05:21,155
I told them you suck,
and you turned your
back on us elves.

126
00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:23,199
Grandpa, just
please calm down.

127
00:05:23,282 --> 00:05:25,201
I have a strategy, trust me.

128
00:05:25,284 --> 00:05:30,039
Ooh, a stratège.
Fancy-schmancy.

129
00:05:30,122 --> 00:05:31,499
You're ruthless,
Candy.

130
00:05:31,582 --> 00:05:32,833
I told you
to be a snake,

131
00:05:32,917 --> 00:05:35,544
and you turned into
a fucking anaconda.

132
00:05:35,628 --> 00:05:40,299
Somehow, I suspect you're
all gonna magically love me
again once I'm made Santa.

133
00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:42,635
Candy, I know you're
ashamed of me,

134
00:05:42,718 --> 00:05:44,970
but I never, ever thought
the day would come

135
00:05:45,054 --> 00:05:46,972
where I would be
ashamed of you.

136
00:05:47,056 --> 00:05:49,100
You've been ashamed
of me my entire life.

137
00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:51,811
That was just
a motivational
parenting tactic.

138
00:05:51,894 --> 00:05:54,438
This is the first time
I mean it.

139
00:05:57,066 --> 00:05:58,651
(huffs)

140
00:05:59,819 --> 00:06:01,987
-There she is! Candy!
-Woo!

141
00:06:02,071 --> 00:06:04,156
Frat Guys (chanting):
Candy!

142
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:05,825
Frat Guy 1:
Candy's the man!

143
00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:08,619
Frat Guy 2:
Igma Loo's goes big for Smalls!

144
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,996
(laughs)
Thanks for the love,
everybody!

145
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:12,665
Candy forever!

146
00:06:12,748 --> 00:06:14,250
Junior:
Tonight is momentous!

147
00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:17,837
Like Jesus' resurrection
and the Book of Revelation
rolled up in one.

148
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,547
But if God doesn't
want me to be Successor,

149
00:06:19,630 --> 00:06:21,340
then I will accept
His other gift to me:

150
00:06:21,423 --> 00:06:23,717
being the leader
of His reindeer disciples.

151
00:06:23,801 --> 00:06:26,512
Which is probably way more
important than Santa anyway.

152
00:06:26,595 --> 00:06:28,180
Unless he chooses
me as Successor.

153
00:06:28,264 --> 00:06:30,015
And then, that's the shit!

154
00:06:30,099 --> 00:06:31,475
It's in the
Book of Revelations!

155
00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:34,478
-Congregation: Yes!
-Jesus take me!

156
00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,981
(speaking tongues)

157
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:39,108
What the fuck?
Quick, cut to
something else!

158
00:06:39,191 --> 00:06:40,568
The terror you feel?

159
00:06:40,651 --> 00:06:42,528
Multiply that
by a thousand,

160
00:06:42,611 --> 00:06:43,904
and that's how women

161
00:06:43,988 --> 00:06:46,699
and BIPOC feel
at every moment.

162
00:06:46,782 --> 00:06:49,160
Shit,
that bitch
is pissed.

163
00:06:49,243 --> 00:06:52,872
Yeah, girl!
Millennial the shit
outta that old fuck!

164
00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:58,377
Great, my buds!
You're finally here!

165
00:06:58,460 --> 00:07:00,337
-(customer coughs)
-(customer clears throat)

166
00:07:01,463 --> 00:07:02,339
(groans)

167
00:07:03,299 --> 00:07:04,258
Hey, look, you guys,

168
00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:06,969
I, I know a lot
has been going on,

169
00:07:07,052 --> 00:07:09,680
and I just wanna tell you...

170
00:07:10,973 --> 00:07:12,474
you have impeccable timing.

171
00:07:12,558 --> 00:07:14,476
The HNN reporter
wants to do an interview

172
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:16,270
with my best friends.

173
00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:17,563
All right,
where'd he go?

174
00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:19,315
Devin:
Babe!

175
00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:23,110
Hold on, wait.
What is this?

176
00:07:23,194 --> 00:07:25,571
Devin and I
are dating.
And fucking.

177
00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:29,200
And fingering with
an eye towards anal?

178
00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:30,284
Yes! Score!

179
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,536
You guys are together?
Since when?

180
00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:33,913
Right after Halloween.

181
00:07:33,996 --> 00:07:36,207
Oh no, Horse Cock is wasted.

182
00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:37,958
He's trying to fuck
the pool table.

183
00:07:38,042 --> 00:07:39,418
(shouts):
That's not a lady, bud!

184
00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:41,295
You've been together
for almost a month,

185
00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:42,588
and you didn't tell me?

186
00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:44,548
I've called you and text you,

187
00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:46,884
but I never, ever,
ever heard back.

188
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,136
I know,
and I've been meaning to,

189
00:07:49,220 --> 00:07:51,013
but time is just--
it's flying by,

190
00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:54,225
and... whatever, if, if
this is what you want,

191
00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:56,852
they hey...
Mazel Tov!

192
00:07:56,936 --> 00:07:59,313
Yay!
Jewish phrases of joy!

193
00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:00,731
We're all happy now!

194
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,149
Can we table
this tension

195
00:08:02,233 --> 00:08:04,818
for, maybe, not
the biggest night
of my life?

196
00:08:04,902 --> 00:08:07,488
Here we are live
with Candy Smalls
and her friends.

197
00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:10,074
It's been said that
behind every great Santa,

198
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:13,285
there is an entourage
of close buds.

199
00:08:13,369 --> 00:08:14,578
Here's my crew.

200
00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:16,705
My BFFs since
high school,

201
00:08:16,789 --> 00:08:17,957
Goldie and Cookie.

202
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,334
Goldie, Cookie,
we know so little

203
00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:22,253
about Candy,
the person.

204
00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:23,921
Who is Candy Smalls to you?

205
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:27,258
I'm talking real-life
details of who she is.

206
00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:30,177
Oh, this is gonna be fun.

207
00:08:30,261 --> 00:08:32,346
(tense music plays)

208
00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:34,056
But even way back when,

209
00:08:34,139 --> 00:08:35,808
there was always something

210
00:08:35,891 --> 00:08:37,559
different about Candy.

211
00:08:37,643 --> 00:08:41,188
I mean, what girl forces
everyone to watch CSPAN

212
00:08:41,272 --> 00:08:43,148
at her Sweet 16?

213
00:08:43,232 --> 00:08:44,817
It's a little weird, right?

214
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:47,820
Ugh, why you?!
You're nothing!

215
00:08:47,903 --> 00:08:49,488
Ugh. Let's kill her.

216
00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:52,992
Actually, let's kill
her stylist 'cause
her outfit is pure ass.

217
00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:55,494
-Ha ha! Ha ha!
-Snow Angel:
Maybe you heard Santa wrong.

218
00:08:55,577 --> 00:08:57,997
Maybe the next Santa
will actually be you.

219
00:08:58,080 --> 00:08:59,832
Santa's never
taken me seriously!

220
00:08:59,915 --> 00:09:01,250
I thought we
had a special bond,

221
00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:02,668
but he just left me
out in the back alley

222
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,295
with my pants
around my ankles!

223
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:07,298
Like everyone else!
Except you!

224
00:09:07,381 --> 00:09:09,466
I'm being nice.
Why am I yelling?

225
00:09:09,550 --> 00:09:10,884
Thank you
for staying with me!

226
00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:12,511
I am so fucked up!

227
00:09:12,594 --> 00:09:14,179
Aw, thanks, baby.

228
00:09:14,263 --> 00:09:15,681
Oh, I forgot to tell you.

229
00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:17,891
I know who's selling
Santa's beard hair--

230
00:09:17,975 --> 00:09:21,020
Sparky Fontaine:
Jingle Jim! J-Jingle Jim!

231
00:09:21,103 --> 00:09:23,856
-Sparky Fontaine, HNN News.
-Ugh! The press?!

232
00:09:23,939 --> 00:09:27,610
Sparky:
Any comments about your chances
of becoming Successor?

233
00:09:27,693 --> 00:09:29,862
Extra! Extra!
Read all about it!

234
00:09:29,945 --> 00:09:32,781
Jingle Jim says,
"Guzzle my piss!"

235
00:09:32,865 --> 00:09:35,326
Subheader,
He's very dehydrated.

236
00:09:35,409 --> 00:09:37,202
Sparky:
God, it's in
my eye! God!

237
00:09:37,286 --> 00:09:38,954
Don't help me,
keep rolling!

238
00:09:39,038 --> 00:09:39,997
(laughs)

239
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:44,752
(cries) I wanted
to be Santa so bad.

240
00:09:44,835 --> 00:09:47,212
Don't worry.
We'll be okay.

241
00:09:47,296 --> 00:09:50,132
You really are an angel.

242
00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:52,885
What would it be like
if your closest friend

243
00:09:52,968 --> 00:09:55,804
became the next Santa?

244
00:09:55,888 --> 00:09:57,097
Great, right?

245
00:09:57,181 --> 00:09:58,724
(cries)
I'm afraid
I'll never

246
00:09:58,807 --> 00:10:00,017
see her again.

247
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:01,185
And that she'll become an even

248
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,353
bigger asshole than she

249
00:10:02,436 --> 00:10:03,270
already is.

250
00:10:03,354 --> 00:10:04,563
Oh my god.
I love you, too,

251
00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:05,689
asshole.

252
00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:06,774
We call each other
asshole.

253
00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:08,025
It's an inside joke,
you know?

254
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:10,486
Long history.
The bonds between women.

255
00:10:10,569 --> 00:10:12,488
Re-claiming words
and making them our own.

256
00:10:12,571 --> 00:10:14,323
It's kind of
beautiful, you know?

257
00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:15,824
It's gorgeous.
Now, Goldie,

258
00:10:15,908 --> 00:10:17,201
has all this attention

259
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:19,745
changed your
old friend, Candy?

260
00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:21,080
Ah, not sure.

261
00:10:21,163 --> 00:10:24,583
Candy, have you always
been ruthless and cutthroat?

262
00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:28,212
(laughs)
You guys!
Be serious!

263
00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:29,588
Women's friendships.

264
00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:31,673
Our, our chosen families,
so to speak,

265
00:10:31,757 --> 00:10:35,260
so, so complicated,
so invaluable, ha, ha.

266
00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:37,846
Oh, I think that's Santa.
I'd recognize that red hat

267
00:10:37,930 --> 00:10:40,182
with the white fuzzy ball
on top from a mile away.

268
00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:42,601
Santa!
Get out of my way!

269
00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:44,853
May we speak
privately?

270
00:10:44,937 --> 00:10:47,773
With only eight minutes left
until Santa's announcement,

271
00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:50,859
I'm at the toy factory
where Timmy the Toy Guy

272
00:10:50,943 --> 00:10:52,319
was literally born,

273
00:10:52,403 --> 00:10:55,739
the only child
of a stock boy
and gift wrapper.

274
00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:57,741
Let's see what Timmy's up to.

275
00:10:57,825 --> 00:11:00,953
On this frosty, sacred soil,

276
00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:03,163
in this very toy shop,

277
00:11:03,247 --> 00:11:06,291
my papa asked my mama to have

278
00:11:06,375 --> 00:11:09,837
sexual intercourse
and she consented.

279
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:13,841
And 18 seconds later,
I was conceived.

280
00:11:13,924 --> 00:11:18,178
And here we are today
in the same toy shop.

281
00:11:18,262 --> 00:11:21,223
Another decision to be made.

282
00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:23,767
Timmy, do you
think your chances
at succession

283
00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:25,602
have been impacted
by rumored ties

284
00:11:25,686 --> 00:11:27,312
to the white nationalist
movement?

285
00:11:27,396 --> 00:11:30,107
What holiday
are you from,
by the way?

286
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,817
-Diwali.
-Di-what-i?

287
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:36,405
-Must be a new one.
-It's 2,500 years old,
older than Christmas.

288
00:11:36,488 --> 00:11:39,867
Sounds made up
to me, Four Arms.

289
00:11:41,535 --> 00:11:44,413
Mader Chod,
that was weird.

290
00:11:44,496 --> 00:11:47,332
Why would you say that shit?
That is a major new outlet.

291
00:11:47,416 --> 00:11:48,834
The whole world
will see it.

292
00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:50,335
So? What we
said is true.

293
00:11:50,419 --> 00:11:53,130
-You pushed us there.
-And you agree
with that, Cookie?

294
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:56,675
I can't answer that
because if I start
to talk, I'll cry.

295
00:11:56,758 --> 00:12:00,262
And it's really hard
to talk and cry
at the same time.

296
00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:01,597
You guys, listen,

297
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:04,183
I understand I've done some
really messed up stuff,

298
00:12:04,266 --> 00:12:07,519
but in a few minutes,
I might be named the next Santa.

299
00:12:07,603 --> 00:12:09,813
And I can start
fighting for all of us.

300
00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:11,356
I know it started out that way,

301
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:13,525
but you're not fighting
for us anymore, okay?

302
00:12:13,609 --> 00:12:15,527
You've become
completely selfish.

303
00:12:15,611 --> 00:12:17,946
I'm sorry, did you
just call me Elf-ish?

304
00:12:18,030 --> 00:12:21,408
Because I will fight you
right now for judging
my people like that.

305
00:12:21,492 --> 00:12:22,701
Let's go! Right now!

306
00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:25,704
Stop!
She said selfish.
You're selfish.

307
00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:27,831
Oh, okay.
Well, that's
insulting, too,

308
00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:30,334
but I'm not gonna
fight a jacked
reindeer over it.

309
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:32,711
But I would take you.
If I had to, I would.

310
00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:36,965
-(cries)
-Oh, Cookie, don't cry.
Not tonight.

311
00:12:37,049 --> 00:12:38,425
Not on my special night.

312
00:12:38,509 --> 00:12:40,969
Not on the night
my dreams are
coming true.

313
00:12:41,053 --> 00:12:47,434
You are such a--
I can't talk and cry.

314
00:12:47,518 --> 00:12:48,560
Good luck, kids!

315
00:12:48,644 --> 00:12:51,355
You're about to have
the worst Santa ever!

316
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,065
The worst Santa?
Oh my god.

317
00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:55,734
What I'm hearing is that you
think I have this in the bag.

318
00:12:55,817 --> 00:12:59,363
Woo! Oh, let's go in!
It's almost time!

319
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:02,908
Okay, fine,
if you will excuse me,

320
00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:05,744
I am going to spend the most
exciting moment in my life

321
00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:07,663
with my new best friend,
Horse Cock.

322
00:13:07,746 --> 00:13:08,914
We totally get each other.

323
00:13:08,997 --> 00:13:11,416
He loves to read
recovery memoirs, too.

324
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:12,918
It's fucking beshert!

325
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:13,919
That's "meant to be"

326
00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:16,088
in the language
of my Jewish peeps.

327
00:13:16,171 --> 00:13:18,715
I'm out. Shalom!

328
00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:20,634
Devin:
Candy, I have to show
you something.

329
00:13:20,717 --> 00:13:23,845
-Now? But it's almost time to--
-Real fast. You won't be sorry.

330
00:13:23,929 --> 00:13:26,515
Okay, you can look.

331
00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:28,016
Oh my god,
oh my god,
oh my god.

332
00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:29,142
(angelic singing)

333
00:13:29,226 --> 00:13:31,770
Devin, this is
so thoughtful.

334
00:13:31,853 --> 00:13:34,648
I'm, I'm seriously moved.
Is my makeup okay?

335
00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:37,651
Yeah, you're good.
And you'll look
amazing in this.

336
00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:39,861
Red really brings
out your veins.

337
00:13:39,945 --> 00:13:41,446
I'm so happy
for you, Candy.

338
00:13:41,530 --> 00:13:43,073
No one deserves
this more than you.

339
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,075
I'm so happy for us.

340
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:47,035
And, you know, even though
you're still in college,

341
00:13:47,119 --> 00:13:48,954
I have such a great
feeling about you.

342
00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:52,708
So, forget about what
I said about years
of training and all that.

343
00:13:52,791 --> 00:13:55,752
When you graduate,
you're gonna be
my number two.

344
00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:59,047
What do ya think?
Ready to stroll
into history by my side?

345
00:13:59,131 --> 00:14:01,133
Ho-oh! Yes, ma'am!

346
00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:02,884
Crowd in bar:
One minute to go!

347
00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:03,927
You ready?

348
00:14:06,555 --> 00:14:07,723
Here we go.

349
00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:10,142
All right, here we go.

350
00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:12,978
Again. Fuckin' Brent.

351
00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:16,607
Crowd:
15, 14, 13,

352
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:19,985
12, 11, 10,

353
00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:24,489
nine, eight, seven, six,

354
00:14:24,573 --> 00:14:29,119
five, four, three, two,

355
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,078
one!

356
00:14:30,162 --> 00:14:31,622
Wow, this is it.

357
00:14:31,705 --> 00:14:35,167
Candace Smalls,
your big moment
has arrived.

358
00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:37,794
People of the North Pole,

359
00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:40,297
or as you are known,
North Pollocks.

360
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:43,175
Crowd (chanting):
Santa! Santa! Santa!

361
00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:47,346
It is with much pride that I
and The Board of Santa Inc.

362
00:14:47,429 --> 00:14:49,723
tell you of our choice
of a new Successor.

363
00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:52,934
But, before I give you the name,
I wanna assure you

364
00:14:53,018 --> 00:14:56,229
that I've chosen not only
the best future Santa,

365
00:14:56,313 --> 00:14:59,024
but an exciting choice,
an innovative choice,

366
00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:03,862
and someone who
exemplifies the qualities
the job of Santa requires:

367
00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:08,492
compassion, joy,
devotion to Santa Inc.,
but most of all,

368
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:12,162
an unwavering love of Christmas,
and the belief in its ability

369
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,955
to make the world
a better place,

370
00:15:14,039 --> 00:15:16,583
even if it's just
for one day a year.

371
00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:22,214
And now may I announce
the next Santa Claus...

372
00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:25,384
(intense music plays)

373
00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:30,305
Devin Johnson!

374
00:15:30,389 --> 00:15:32,224
(crowd gasps)

375
00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:34,559
(Santa's voice echoing)

376
00:15:34,643 --> 00:15:37,354
(muffled audio)

377
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:42,401
Who the fuck
is Devin Johnson?

378
00:15:42,484 --> 00:15:43,819
(all gasping)

379
00:15:43,902 --> 00:15:45,404
-(cries)
-(grunts)

380
00:15:46,697 --> 00:15:48,865
We're rich!

381
00:15:49,741 --> 00:15:52,202
(cheering)

382
00:15:53,245 --> 00:15:54,579
(person coughing)

383
00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:00,085
Congratulation--
(clears throat)

384
00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:02,546
Congratulations,
Mr. Successor.

385
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:04,548
-(stomach gurgling)
-Oh!

386
00:16:06,550 --> 00:16:08,301
-(commotion)
-(shutters clicking)

387
00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:09,469
Whoa!

388
00:16:09,553 --> 00:16:12,431
Devin Johnson,
we spoke earlier,
remember?

389
00:16:12,514 --> 00:16:14,766
You know me!
Ugh, fucker!

390
00:16:14,850 --> 00:16:16,768
Devin! Devin!

391
00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,354
(toilet flushes)

392
00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:23,692
D-D-Did ya win?

393
00:16:23,775 --> 00:16:25,652
Baby Meatball's
in the manger.

394
00:16:25,736 --> 00:16:28,864
Mmm, meatball.
Excuse me, sir?

395
00:16:28,947 --> 00:16:31,199
I, I just puked,
so I'm starving.

396
00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:33,452
Oh, oh, c-can we stop
at a drive-through?

397
00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:35,454
(crowd shouting)

398
00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:39,666
(horn honking)

399
00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:43,336
Here, this should work.
Take it from me.

400
00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:46,089
I've seen my fair share
of puke-covered suits.

401
00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:48,467
Used to work at a bar
on Wall Street in the '80s.

402
00:16:48,550 --> 00:16:51,261
Ah, there's a lot of it.
What did that guy eat?

403
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,638
Hey, you don't
have to hold it
in for me, Candy.

404
00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:56,725
I know you're upset.
You can let it all out.

405
00:16:56,808 --> 00:16:59,978
Oh, I'm fine. I'm so fine.
It's all good, man.

406
00:17:00,061 --> 00:17:01,688
I mean, I'm,
I'm not fine,

407
00:17:01,772 --> 00:17:03,148
and not all good, no,

408
00:17:03,231 --> 00:17:05,317
but, uh, I don't know,
what am I gonna do?

409
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:08,028
Cry like a baby because
I didn't get my way?

410
00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:11,615
You know?
"Wahhh, I didn't
get to be Santa."

411
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,074
It's just--
It's not productive.

412
00:17:13,158 --> 00:17:15,160
I need to suck it up,
and move on, and--

413
00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:16,328
Oh god!
Please don't gloat.

414
00:17:16,411 --> 00:17:17,829
Please don't say,
"I told you so."

415
00:17:17,913 --> 00:17:19,206
Or steal
my credit cards.

416
00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:21,208
I just-- I'm not strong
enough right now to--

417
00:17:21,291 --> 00:17:22,209
You wish.

418
00:17:22,292 --> 00:17:24,544
We don't need your
money anymore, ha, ha.

419
00:17:24,628 --> 00:17:27,339
Nope. I put all
of my savings on Devin.

420
00:17:27,422 --> 00:17:29,424
He was 10,000-to-one.
I'm worth millions now!

421
00:17:29,508 --> 00:17:32,010
But how could you possibly
know it would be Devin?

422
00:17:32,093 --> 00:17:35,180
You mean the fat kid
with the beard?

423
00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:37,349
It was always gonna be him.

424
00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:38,517
You put up a good fight,

425
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,644
but ya can't beat
tradition, baby.

426
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,521
That's Christmas.

427
00:17:42,604 --> 00:17:45,649
Ohh! Who's rich?
Cha-cha-cha!

428
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:48,068
Grandpa's rich!
Cha-cha-cha!

429
00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:50,487
Today has been
way too intense.

430
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,572
The holidays are
too stressful.

431
00:17:52,656 --> 00:17:54,491
Girl, they haven't
even started yet.

432
00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:56,493
(sighs)
I hate Christmas.

433
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:59,746
-(phone ringing)
-Ugh, it's Candy again.

434
00:17:59,830 --> 00:18:02,541
She's called me twice.
Maybe we should talk to her.

435
00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:05,544
She must be so miserable.
She wanted this so bad.

436
00:18:05,627 --> 00:18:07,504
I mean, I know she
was a bitch to us,

437
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:08,880
and said some
fucked-up shit--

438
00:18:08,964 --> 00:18:11,967
And did fucked-up shit!
The girl needs a timeout.

439
00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:14,678
Maybe she'll go back to being
the person we used to know.

440
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:17,305
Maybe not. But right now,
I can't deal with her shit.

441
00:18:17,389 --> 00:18:20,892
I guess you're right,
but everything is so stressful.

442
00:18:20,976 --> 00:18:22,727
Oh god!
I'm losing it!

443
00:18:22,811 --> 00:18:25,480
I am this close
to eating my clavicle.

444
00:18:25,564 --> 00:18:27,858
-(line ringing)
-Devin's not picking up.

445
00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:30,318
-Do you think he's ghosting me?
-Where's Craig?

446
00:18:30,402 --> 00:18:33,029
I wanna go home
and watch
Leprechaun's Kitchen.

447
00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:34,865
-Girl: Ahh!
-Is that your babysitter?

448
00:18:34,948 --> 00:18:36,616
-Ahh!
-(Fun Size laughs)

449
00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:40,161
-Ahh!
-Fun Size! Scissors bad!

450
00:18:41,496 --> 00:18:45,792
(yelling)
Oh, man!

451
00:18:45,876 --> 00:18:49,629
The best aphrodisiac really is
a sweet dose of schadenfreude.

452
00:18:49,713 --> 00:18:52,507
Now how 'bout you
get back there
and toss my salad a little?

453
00:18:52,591 --> 00:18:54,259
Okay, but do you wanna know

454
00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:56,511
who is selling
Santa's beard hair first?

455
00:18:56,595 --> 00:18:58,972
Or do you want me
to toss your salad first?

456
00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:01,933
-Tell me fast, then salad.
-Okay.

457
00:19:02,017 --> 00:19:04,352
(ominous music playing)

458
00:19:06,187 --> 00:19:09,691
Pardon me, are you the one
selling Santa's beard hair?

459
00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:13,028
Yeah, how much you want?

460
00:19:14,196 --> 00:19:15,530
(gasps)

461
00:19:19,451 --> 00:19:20,827
Beat it, man.
We're closed.

462
00:19:22,871 --> 00:19:24,789
Oh! Oh, I'm,
I'm, I'm sorry.

463
00:19:24,873 --> 00:19:26,416
I didn't realize
it was you.

464
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:27,876
I was looking for Candy.

465
00:19:27,959 --> 00:19:29,961
Candy, she left
a while ago.

466
00:19:30,045 --> 00:19:31,838
She was pretty
devastated.

467
00:19:31,922 --> 00:19:33,632
So am I.
I just--

468
00:19:33,715 --> 00:19:37,636
How could he-- Gah!
I cannot believe--

469
00:19:37,719 --> 00:19:40,472
I left Santa,
not that he noticed.

470
00:19:40,555 --> 00:19:41,514
I didn't know where to go,

471
00:19:41,598 --> 00:19:44,100
and you said I could
always come here

472
00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:45,644
to the Thirsty Deer.

473
00:19:45,727 --> 00:19:47,646
Well, I am glad you're here.

474
00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:50,774
Can I, uh, buy you
a drink, Mrs. Claus?

475
00:19:51,441 --> 00:19:53,985
Call me Leonard.

476
00:19:54,069 --> 00:19:57,447
Woo! Sexy... Why?

477
00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:01,368
Santa:
Thanks for meeting me.

478
00:20:02,994 --> 00:20:04,829
Santa calls
and I come running.

479
00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:06,289
Story of my life.

480
00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:09,459
I know you're pissed,
and I wanted to explain myself.

481
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:14,506
Yeah, mansplain...
S-Sant... Sants-plain...

482
00:20:14,589 --> 00:20:16,341
Nick, Saint Nick-splain--

483
00:20:16,424 --> 00:20:18,510
Whatever! There's,
there's something there.

484
00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:20,887
You really blew me away
these last few months.

485
00:20:20,971 --> 00:20:23,515
You did.
You proved you have
a million qualities

486
00:20:23,598 --> 00:20:27,686
that make you
so awesome
for this job.

487
00:20:27,769 --> 00:20:29,354
I knew you were
my next Successor.

488
00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,856
I had every intention
of choosing you,

489
00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:33,900
but then I saw you
with the kids.

490
00:20:33,984 --> 00:20:35,777
-What kids?
-At the hospital.

491
00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:38,029
You know,
when they all came
in my room to say hi?

492
00:20:38,113 --> 00:20:40,865
That's really when it
became clear to me.

493
00:20:40,949 --> 00:20:42,867
You don't like
being around children,

494
00:20:42,951 --> 00:20:45,161
and they feel
the awkwardness.
They know it.

495
00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:46,830
And they don't like you
as a result of it.

496
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:49,207
-Fine, but that doesn't--
-L-Let me just
get this out, okay?

497
00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:52,919
You can talk all day
about making Christmas
great for the children

498
00:20:53,003 --> 00:20:56,214
who will one day lead the world,
but can you talk to them?

499
00:20:56,297 --> 00:20:58,633
Connect with them?
No. They ran away from you,

500
00:20:58,717 --> 00:21:00,093
and straight to Devin.

501
00:21:00,176 --> 00:21:02,470
So I'm not
warm and cuddly.
Big deal.

502
00:21:02,554 --> 00:21:04,264
I know how to get
the job done.

503
00:21:04,347 --> 00:21:06,725
Warm and cuddly is the job.

504
00:21:06,808 --> 00:21:08,727
Don't you see my dilemma?
Yo-You-- (sighs)

505
00:21:08,810 --> 00:21:11,354
You don't understand
the pressure of a man
in my position.

506
00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:12,939
How could I, in good conscience,

507
00:21:13,023 --> 00:21:15,442
choose a Santa who is
not good with kids?

508
00:21:15,525 --> 00:21:17,527
-That's something
I could learn.
-Not true.

509
00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:19,821
When it comes to kids,
you either have it or you don't.

510
00:21:19,904 --> 00:21:22,824
-Oh.
-But... you're right.

511
00:21:22,907 --> 00:21:24,909
You do know how
to get shit done.

512
00:21:24,993 --> 00:21:26,619
Better than anyone.

513
00:21:26,703 --> 00:21:29,914
And Devin isn't anywhere
near ready to be Santa,

514
00:21:29,998 --> 00:21:33,126
and that's why you're
going to guide him.

515
00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:35,295
Devin will be
the fun and jolly
face of the company,

516
00:21:35,378 --> 00:21:39,215
but you will be
doing the real work,
behind the scenes,

517
00:21:39,299 --> 00:21:42,052
making sure Santa Inc.
runs perfectly.

518
00:21:42,135 --> 00:21:45,847
And you'll be able
to make all your great
new innovations come true.

519
00:21:45,930 --> 00:21:47,474
Yeah, behind the scenes.

520
00:21:47,557 --> 00:21:49,684
Don't let your ego
get in the way, okay?

521
00:21:49,768 --> 00:21:52,270
It doesn't matter who
actually wears the red suit.

522
00:21:52,353 --> 00:21:55,148
You and Devin will both have
the jobs you were meant to do,

523
00:21:55,231 --> 00:21:57,442
but Santa Inc. will
be a better place

524
00:21:57,525 --> 00:21:58,610
because of you.

525
00:21:58,693 --> 00:22:00,361
This wasn't
an easy decision,

526
00:22:00,445 --> 00:22:01,988
but it's right
and it's final.

527
00:22:02,072 --> 00:22:03,740
Do you understand?

528
00:22:11,498 --> 00:22:12,916
Go fuck yourself.

529
00:22:15,585 --> 00:22:18,338
(rock music playing)

530
00:22:24,594 --> 00:22:27,347
♪ ♪

531
00:22:38,233 --> 00:22:40,026
♪ Santa ♪

532
00:22:45,740 --> 00:22:47,659
Wait, wha-?
It's, it's Christmas?

533
00:22:47,742 --> 00:22:49,619
Christmas can
suck my dick.

534
00:22:49,702 --> 00:22:51,955
(shouts):
We're loaded!

535
00:22:52,038 --> 00:22:54,749
Tony, help your
Grandpa over here.

536
00:22:54,833 --> 00:22:57,001
I'm covered in bling.

537
00:22:57,085 --> 00:23:00,338
♪ ♪

538
00:23:01,756 --> 00:23:04,008
♪ Stuff my stocking ♪

539
00:23:05,093 --> 00:23:07,387
♪ Aye, Aye ♪

540
00:23:07,470 --> 00:23:09,180
♪ Stuff my stocking ♪

541
00:23:09,264 --> 00:23:10,932
♪ Now, pretty baby ♪

542
00:23:11,015 --> 00:23:15,353
♪ Gonna make your
Christmas dreams come true ♪

543
00:23:19,065 --> 00:23:20,817
♪ Stuff my stocking ♪

544
00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:22,443
♪ Now, pretty baby ♪

545
00:23:22,527 --> 00:23:27,323
♪ Got a secret package
only for you ♪

546
00:23:30,493 --> 00:23:32,162
♪ Stuff my stocking ♪

547
00:23:32,245 --> 00:23:34,706
♪ (mumble mumble)
Holly Berry ♪

548
00:23:34,789 --> 00:23:37,876
♪ (mumble mumble)
Yule log ♪

549
00:23:37,959 --> 00:23:41,004
♪ (mumble mumble)
Hickory Farms ♪

550
00:23:41,087 --> 00:23:43,715
♪ Stuff my,
stuff my stocking ♪

551
00:23:43,798 --> 00:23:45,383
♪ Now, pretty baby ♪

552
00:23:45,466 --> 00:23:50,346
♪ Gonna make your
Christmas dreams come true ♪

553
00:23:52,432 --> 00:23:55,143
♪ Pretty babe,
stuff my stocking ♪