1
00:00:04,881 --> 00:00:06,048
"Happy Birthday, Big Man!

2
00:00:06,132 --> 00:00:08,092
"We love you,
Barack and Michelle.

3
00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:09,761
"In lieu of a gift,
we made a donation

4
00:00:09,844 --> 00:00:12,263
in your name to one
our favorite charities."

5
00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:13,723
Fuckin' lame!

6
00:00:13,806 --> 00:00:16,100
What about a donation
and a gift?

7
00:00:16,184 --> 00:00:17,310
Why don't they do that?

8
00:00:17,393 --> 00:00:18,936
You get it, Snowie.
Right?

9
00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:20,772
-Mm-hm.
-Santa: You've always
been there for me.

10
00:00:20,855 --> 00:00:23,024
You know, I shouldn't
be telling anyone this,

11
00:00:23,107 --> 00:00:25,526
but I made a big decision,
and I just need to tell someone,

12
00:00:25,610 --> 00:00:27,320
or... I think
I'm gonna fuckin' puke.

13
00:00:27,403 --> 00:00:29,947
I've finally decided
who to make my Successor.

14
00:00:30,031 --> 00:00:31,657
-It's Candy!
-(cheers)

15
00:00:31,741 --> 00:00:32,950
Awesome choice, right?

16
00:00:33,034 --> 00:00:34,577
And the headlines will read,

17
00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:37,079
"Santa chooses
a woman Successor,

18
00:00:37,163 --> 00:00:39,165
and makes history! Again!"

19
00:00:39,248 --> 00:00:41,542
Boom!
But I'm gonna sit on it.

20
00:00:41,626 --> 00:00:44,670
Make the Board sweat it out.
Those fuckin' dicks.

21
00:00:44,754 --> 00:00:47,507
Okay, Snowie, see you around--
Well, not around, but, you know,

22
00:00:47,590 --> 00:00:49,675
in here, in the office,
where you live.

23
00:00:49,759 --> 00:00:52,094
I'll see you later. Jesus.
Whatever, you get it.

24
00:00:52,178 --> 00:00:53,012
(door closes)

25
00:00:53,095 --> 00:00:57,350
-(toilet flushes)
-Oh my shit!

26
00:00:57,433 --> 00:00:59,018
It should be me!

27
00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:00,186
(snow globe shatters)

28
00:01:00,269 --> 00:01:03,689
-Whoa!
-(bells jingling)

29
00:01:03,773 --> 00:01:06,442
(joyful music playing)

30
00:01:10,196 --> 00:01:11,364
(coughs)

31
00:01:16,035 --> 00:01:18,329
(Junior cries)

32
00:01:21,290 --> 00:01:23,167
(both laughing)

33
00:01:23,251 --> 00:01:26,587
Yes, teens, it is I.
Assuming you'd like a selfie.

34
00:01:26,671 --> 00:01:30,508
-With Junior?
The washed-up reindeer?
-Ugh, no thanks.

35
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:33,302
We heard you
beat up a woman
just to become Santa?

36
00:01:33,386 --> 00:01:34,929
It was only a golf game!

37
00:01:35,012 --> 00:01:36,973
And I didn't touch
that lyin' dwarf!

38
00:01:37,056 --> 00:01:40,309
Ah! Run away!
He's toxic!

39
00:01:40,393 --> 00:01:41,561
Fuckin' fake news.

40
00:01:41,644 --> 00:01:44,772
Bitch elf, ruined
my gorgeous reputation.

41
00:01:45,731 --> 00:01:48,359
(choir music plays)

42
00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:51,737
You look like you
could use a friend.

43
00:01:51,821 --> 00:01:54,490
And, uh, maybe,
a career-saving makeover?

44
00:01:54,574 --> 00:01:56,576
(burps)
Amen to that.

45
00:01:56,659 --> 00:01:58,744
Candy: So I got rid
of that puss, Junior.

46
00:01:58,828 --> 00:02:00,246
Jingle Jim's a long shot.

47
00:02:00,329 --> 00:02:04,083
Larson and Timmy the Toy Guy
are my only real competition.

48
00:02:04,166 --> 00:02:06,419
And I am playing this
like a man would, right?

49
00:02:06,502 --> 00:02:09,255
You know what I'm talkin' about,
you handsome motherfucker.

50
00:02:09,338 --> 00:02:11,007
(both laughing)

51
00:02:11,090 --> 00:02:14,719
Candy, what a treat.
We never see you anymore.

52
00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:17,722
No guilt!
But it has been so long.

53
00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:19,390
I know.
Do I look taller to you?

54
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:21,225
-Like, I feel taller.
-Maybe.

55
00:02:21,309 --> 00:02:23,561
Do I look any
different to you...

56
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:26,230
like more pregnant?
Hint, hint.

57
00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:27,940
Whoa! What?
You're pregnant?

58
00:02:28,024 --> 00:02:30,776
-That-- What, what
did the doctor say?
-I didn't go to a doctor.

59
00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:33,404
-What did the home
pregnancy test say?
-Did not do one.

60
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:36,616
-But you missed your period?
-No, I know my body,

61
00:02:36,699 --> 00:02:39,118
and it is carrying
Fun Size's sister.

62
00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:40,328
Probably named Symone.

63
00:02:40,411 --> 00:02:43,122
Okay, sorry.
I guess I'm wrong.
Congrats.

64
00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:45,625
Thank you!
But don't tell
anyone at work.

65
00:02:45,708 --> 00:02:48,169
Larson axes women
when they get pregnant.

66
00:02:48,252 --> 00:02:51,380
And he's currently fucking
two factory workers.

67
00:02:51,464 --> 00:02:54,216
-Identical twin sisters.
-Oh, is he?

68
00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:56,594
(ominous music plays)

69
00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:58,429
My baby shower is
this Saturday night.

70
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,139
-Don't forget.
-Halloween?!

71
00:03:00,222 --> 00:03:02,516
No, I--
That's Santa's birthday.

72
00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,518
I'm the host this year.
It's a huge deal.

73
00:03:04,602 --> 00:03:08,022
Santa's birthday's practically
like a, a North Pole holiday.

74
00:03:08,105 --> 00:03:10,191
(cries)
What is next?
Mother's Day?

75
00:03:10,274 --> 00:03:12,485
Okay, stop.
God, don't cry.

76
00:03:12,568 --> 00:03:14,153
It's fine.
I can do both.

77
00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:15,696
I can...
stop by here,

78
00:03:15,780 --> 00:03:17,073
and then
get to his thing.

79
00:03:17,156 --> 00:03:19,158
But I should
get to work
right now, so...

80
00:03:19,241 --> 00:03:21,285
Cool!
And you don't have
to get me a present.

81
00:03:21,369 --> 00:03:22,954
But if you do,
make it a gift card

82
00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:25,790
because I don't trust
your taste. Byeee.

83
00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:28,876
Timmy the Toy Guy:
I made a gift
for Santa's birthday,

84
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,796
and, well...
I wanted your opinion

85
00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:34,131
since you work
so closely together.

86
00:03:34,215 --> 00:03:36,968
Oh god, yeah.
I totally know his taste.

87
00:03:37,051 --> 00:03:39,637
(light music plays)

88
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:44,892
Magnificent.

89
00:03:44,976 --> 00:03:46,602
But doesn't it look
a little like--

90
00:03:46,686 --> 00:03:49,188
A little like what?

91
00:03:49,271 --> 00:03:52,191
(ominous music plays)

92
00:03:52,274 --> 00:03:54,110
The perfect gift
for the man

93
00:03:54,193 --> 00:03:55,403
who has everything?

94
00:03:55,486 --> 00:03:58,364
Bravo, Timmy, bravo!

95
00:03:58,447 --> 00:03:59,782
Okay, so busy.

96
00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:01,534
Tight schedule. Gotta go.

97
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:08,040
(laughs)
We've almost made it, Hans-Otto!

98
00:04:08,958 --> 00:04:10,876
(Jeremy laughs)

99
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:12,545
Candy:
Seating chart? Done.

100
00:04:12,628 --> 00:04:15,506
Beverages? Done.
Appetizers? Done.

101
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:16,924
All right, get up
and help, bozo.

102
00:04:17,008 --> 00:04:18,634
You're in charge
of ice sculptures.

103
00:04:18,718 --> 00:04:20,720
Sure, everybody
loves ice sculptures,

104
00:04:20,803 --> 00:04:22,596
but if I mush together
a bunch of human babies

105
00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:24,390
for my party,
they'll call me a monster.

106
00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:25,933
You know what? Excuse me,

107
00:04:26,017 --> 00:04:29,103
I need to cry
at the inhumanity
displayed here.

108
00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:30,688
Don't follow me!

109
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,064
Whoa! Look at you.

110
00:04:32,148 --> 00:04:33,983
I didn't know it
was Picture Day.

111
00:04:34,066 --> 00:04:36,110
You look
Devin-ishly handsome.

112
00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:38,863
Just tryna step up my game.

113
00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,573
I...

114
00:04:40,656 --> 00:04:43,034
have something
to talk to you about,

115
00:04:43,117 --> 00:04:46,078
-but I'm really nervous.
-Aw, that's so flattering.

116
00:04:46,162 --> 00:04:47,872
Are you scared
shitless of me, too?

117
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:50,416
I've always wanted someone
to be scared shitless of me.

118
00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:52,835
-Definitely. Very shitless.
-Yay!

119
00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:53,794
Okay, here it goes,

120
00:04:53,878 --> 00:04:55,129
if you're made Successor,

121
00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:57,298
I'd like to be considered
as your Number Two.

122
00:04:57,381 --> 00:05:00,593
I'm not just some college slob.
I want a career here.

123
00:05:00,676 --> 00:05:02,261
Look at this straight talk.

124
00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:04,221
And the ambition? I love it!

125
00:05:04,305 --> 00:05:06,474
Very Candy circa Boxing Day.

126
00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:09,435
And as far as becoming
my Number Two,
with a shit-ton of training,

127
00:05:09,518 --> 00:05:12,021
I can possibly see it
happening in like 15 years,

128
00:05:12,104 --> 00:05:16,525
-but, you know, no promises.
-15 years, but no promises?

129
00:05:16,609 --> 00:05:20,154
Candy, you're making
a boy's dreams come true!

130
00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:23,783
Woo!

131
00:05:23,866 --> 00:05:25,743
You will never go
far in this industry

132
00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,787
by whirling
your boss around.

133
00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:28,913
Writin' that one down.

134
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:30,164
All right,
let's get to work.

135
00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:31,874
I'm planning Santa's party.

136
00:05:31,957 --> 00:05:34,335
Brent always did
a lot of nice toasts,

137
00:05:34,418 --> 00:05:36,087
you know, "We love you...
blah, blah, blah."

138
00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:37,463
I wanna go bigger.

139
00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:40,424
I'm thinking I'd go
more roast than toast.

140
00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:41,801
Dudes love that shit!

141
00:05:41,884 --> 00:05:45,346
Brutality hidden under
the veil of lighthearted banter?

142
00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:47,014
Yeah! On my 21st,

143
00:05:47,098 --> 00:05:49,016
Horse Cock did
a tight 45 minutes

144
00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:50,643
on how fat my ass was.

145
00:05:50,726 --> 00:05:52,269
I laughed so hard that night...

146
00:05:52,353 --> 00:05:54,355
though I cried myself to sleep.

147
00:05:54,438 --> 00:05:55,940
I'm sure it was unrelated.

148
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:58,651
Roasts are hilarious,
as long as you have
good material.

149
00:05:58,734 --> 00:06:03,489
Oh, do I.
(ominous laugh)

150
00:06:03,572 --> 00:06:05,783
I-I can't stop
eating ham.

151
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,910
When I was pregnant
with Fun Size,

152
00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,662
all I wanted
was Oreos.

153
00:06:09,745 --> 00:06:11,080
Isn't that kinda
cannibalistic?

154
00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:12,998
That'd be like
me eating venison.

155
00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:18,170
Ladies... Goldie.

156
00:06:18,254 --> 00:06:20,339
An invite to Santa's
birthday party?

157
00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:22,508
Candy said it was
for work people only.

158
00:06:22,591 --> 00:06:25,553
It is, but I'm
on a career track
at Santa Inc.,

159
00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:27,721
and was given
a special plus-one

160
00:06:27,805 --> 00:06:30,766
to the North Pole's
biggest event of the year,

161
00:06:30,850 --> 00:06:32,351
besides Christmas,
of course.

162
00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:34,103
And you, m'lady,

163
00:06:34,186 --> 00:06:36,147
are the only one
I want to invite.

164
00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:39,400
Oh my god,
that is so sweet.

165
00:06:39,483 --> 00:06:41,068
Sorry, I can't.

166
00:06:41,152 --> 00:06:42,695
That's the night
of Cookie's baby shower.

167
00:06:42,778 --> 00:06:45,531
Oh my god,
that is so sweet.

168
00:06:45,614 --> 00:06:48,409
Oh, you can reject me now,
but I'll be back.

169
00:06:48,492 --> 00:06:51,078
We dyslexics
don't give up easily.

170
00:06:54,290 --> 00:06:56,375
Oh! Oh! Oh!

171
00:06:56,458 --> 00:07:00,337
Oh-eee! Oh.

172
00:07:00,421 --> 00:07:02,423
Oh, that was great, oh.

173
00:07:02,506 --> 00:07:06,218
I'm sorry I screamed
about fuckin' a goblin
before I came.

174
00:07:06,302 --> 00:07:07,303
Don't read into that.

175
00:07:07,386 --> 00:07:10,389
Happy 75th birthday, Nick.

176
00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:13,058
Now maybe you'd
like to do oral sex?

177
00:07:13,142 --> 00:07:14,643
Sure, yeah,
I'll take
another Viagra,

178
00:07:14,727 --> 00:07:16,729
and then I'll, uh,
have another erection,

179
00:07:16,812 --> 00:07:18,898
-and then, uh--
-I meant on me.

180
00:07:18,981 --> 00:07:21,192
What? On my birthday?

181
00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:25,946
Yes! Now get under those covers,
and go down on your fucking wife

182
00:07:26,030 --> 00:07:30,242
for once since
Biggie killed Tupac!

183
00:07:30,326 --> 00:07:31,911
Jeremy (oh phone):
Oh... (gags)--

184
00:07:31,994 --> 00:07:33,454
Ah, I-- Ugh.

185
00:07:33,537 --> 00:07:35,331
I can't help tonight.
I'm sick.

186
00:07:35,414 --> 00:07:37,875
Yeah, I've got
a fever and chills.

187
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,752
Jeremy, I know
you're lying.

188
00:07:39,835 --> 00:07:41,462
I can see you
floating by.

189
00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:43,422
Now I have to go.
You've made me late.

190
00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:45,591
Jeremy:
The one doing
Molly isn't me!

191
00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:46,926
Hey, pass that Molly.

192
00:07:47,009 --> 00:07:49,053
Have fun
at Santa's party.

193
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,764
We'll be spending
a quiet night at home.

194
00:07:51,847 --> 00:07:54,433
There's a World War I
doc I'm gonna watch.

195
00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:57,019
I'll always regret
never bein' in a war.

196
00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:58,979
Legal murder is the shit.

197
00:07:59,063 --> 00:08:01,774
And I'll spend the night
getting ahead on my taxes?

198
00:08:01,857 --> 00:08:04,902
Ha! I knew you
assholes are crashing.

199
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,404
Just don't embarrass me
until my roast is over.

200
00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:09,823
This is gonna be Santa's
best birthday party ever.

201
00:08:09,907 --> 00:08:12,743
Could you make sure to mention
the retired coal miners?

202
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,829
Exposure to that
fancy crowd will
really help the cause.

203
00:08:15,913 --> 00:08:17,623
Grandpa, no.
Tonight's a celebration.

204
00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:19,750
It's not a time
for depressing
shit like that.

205
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:22,127
Coal miners' issues are
anything but depressing!

206
00:08:22,211 --> 00:08:24,296
Tony knows.
He's been hangin'
out there lately.

207
00:08:24,380 --> 00:08:28,092
(coughing)

208
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:30,261
Bein' down there
gave me coal cough.

209
00:08:30,344 --> 00:08:33,264
Well, that's all
she wrote, evil world.

210
00:08:33,889 --> 00:08:34,932
See ya!

211
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:37,059
Ahh!

212
00:08:37,142 --> 00:08:40,354
-(crash, car alarm beeps)
-(woman screams)

213
00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:44,275
Yeah, the coal miners' cause
is not depressing at all.

214
00:08:44,358 --> 00:08:45,859
(softly):
Oh shit.

215
00:08:45,943 --> 00:08:46,819
Candy says

216
00:08:46,902 --> 00:08:48,320
she's sorry
she can't come,

217
00:08:48,404 --> 00:08:50,239
but she'll make
it up to you.

218
00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:51,490
I'm so sorry, Cook.

219
00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:53,200
To be honest,
I think I used

220
00:08:53,284 --> 00:08:56,662
this shower as an excuse
for us to spend time with her.

221
00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:59,748
You know what?
Go to Santa's birthday
party with Devin.

222
00:08:59,832 --> 00:09:01,083
Really?
You wouldn't care?

223
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:02,209
Oh, I would resent you,

224
00:09:02,293 --> 00:09:05,004
and talk tons of shit
for many years,

225
00:09:05,087 --> 00:09:07,006
but I can't control you...

226
00:09:07,089 --> 00:09:08,841
Kidding! I don't care.

227
00:09:08,924 --> 00:09:10,342
I have Craig and Fun Size.

228
00:09:10,426 --> 00:09:13,012
Now get outta here, bitch.

229
00:09:13,095 --> 00:09:16,223
Oh, that is the most
sentimental "bitch"
I've ever said.

230
00:09:17,975 --> 00:09:21,478
Craig?
Runnin' low on ham!

231
00:09:21,562 --> 00:09:23,814
Candy:
Happy Birthday, Santa.

232
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:27,526
Tonight there will be cake,
there will be presents...

233
00:09:27,610 --> 00:09:31,405
and yes, oh yes,
there will be blood.

234
00:09:31,488 --> 00:09:35,993
I mean, not real,
but metaphorical blood.

235
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:39,079
Guest: Hey, Candy.
Nice gangster costume!

236
00:09:39,163 --> 00:09:41,206
This glass has a smudge.
Not acceptable.

237
00:09:41,290 --> 00:09:43,334
This is Santa's
birthday party!

238
00:09:43,417 --> 00:09:45,169
Take them all back.

239
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,087
Pinocchio is
a bastardization

240
00:09:47,171 --> 00:09:50,299
-of an old fairytale
in which the boy dies--
-Sexy and hilarious.

241
00:09:50,382 --> 00:09:53,552
-(laughing)
-(party music plays)

242
00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:56,305
And, well, yes,
I'm the character
The Great Gatsby

243
00:09:56,388 --> 00:09:58,432
from the book
"The Great Gatsby."

244
00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:02,603
-You look beautiful.
-I'm Tonya Harding.

245
00:10:02,686 --> 00:10:04,104
She was the first
American to land

246
00:10:04,188 --> 00:10:05,689
a triple axel
in competition.

247
00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:07,983
A badass and a true athlete.

248
00:10:08,067 --> 00:10:10,319
Double vodka martini.
Straight up.

249
00:10:10,402 --> 00:10:11,236
You got it.

250
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,655
I love your costume,
Mrs. Claus.

251
00:10:13,739 --> 00:10:16,492
Did you want your
martini... dirty?

252
00:10:16,575 --> 00:10:19,578
(chuckles)
Make it filthy.

253
00:10:19,661 --> 00:10:21,038
So filthy someone
needs to call

254
00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:24,083
the Health Department.
(laughs)

255
00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:28,754
Welcome to Santa's
75th Birthday Extravaganza!

256
00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:31,090
It's a big one,
ladies and jellybeans.

257
00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:32,591
Now pipe down and shut it,

258
00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:35,594
or I'll mow your asses
to the ground!

259
00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:37,679
But first, a few of our
Successor contenders

260
00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:41,517
would like to speak
to Santa on his big day.

261
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:42,935
(cheers)

262
00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:46,480
At first, I considered
the tried and true,

263
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,273
a cupcake-of-the-month club

264
00:10:48,357 --> 00:10:50,317
subscription for Santa,

265
00:10:50,401 --> 00:10:52,403
but then, I was like,

266
00:10:52,486 --> 00:10:56,532
"What about two cupcakes
every month club?"

267
00:10:56,615 --> 00:10:59,576
Unfortunately,
it does not exist.

268
00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:01,537
So, I went--
And now...

269
00:11:01,620 --> 00:11:03,247
without further ado,

270
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,666
I would like
to reveal to you,

271
00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:08,627
my gift for Santa.

272
00:11:08,711 --> 00:11:10,838
-A toy that represents...
-(winding clicks)

273
00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:12,673
your lifetime.

274
00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:14,383
(music box plays)

275
00:11:14,466 --> 00:11:17,344
-(guest ooh and aah)
-Santa: Ah.

276
00:11:19,138 --> 00:11:22,349
(guests cheering
and applauding)

277
00:11:24,268 --> 00:11:26,145
Santa:
God.

278
00:11:26,228 --> 00:11:27,271
(sighs)

279
00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:33,444
Santa:
Bravo, bravo!

280
00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:34,528
Big Candy:
Psst, hey, honey.

281
00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:36,822
How'd you like
to meet Mr. Claus?

282
00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,615
Mr. Lobster Claws!

283
00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:41,118
(grunting)

284
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,829
Candy:
Tonight we've heard
some beautiful toasts.

285
00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:46,206
But now, let's get
to the real fun.

286
00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:48,750
A roast...
not of Santa...

287
00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:51,962
of my fellow
Successor contenders.

288
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:54,423
Oh yeah! I love a roast!

289
00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,175
First of my rivals, Junior.

290
00:11:56,258 --> 00:11:59,470
But God and a bad game of golf
have already taken care of him.

291
00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:01,472
-(guests laughing)
-Guest: Oh, sick burn!

292
00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:03,056
So, let's move
on to Jingle Jim.

293
00:12:03,140 --> 00:12:05,767
Turns out he's had a hard life.
Why make it worse, right?

294
00:12:05,851 --> 00:12:08,812
Amp it up!
You're bein' too nice.
Be a bad bitch!

295
00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:11,190
Hold your reindeer,
birthday boy!

296
00:12:11,273 --> 00:12:13,192
Now, what about
our own Timmy?

297
00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:15,152
All he ever talks
about is toys.

298
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,946
I had no idea he was
a history buff, too...

299
00:12:18,030 --> 00:12:19,907
until I saw
his gift to Santa.

300
00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:24,077
It blew me away
in about six million
different ways.

301
00:12:24,161 --> 00:12:28,665
-(guests booing)
-I did not see that
when I designed it.

302
00:12:28,749 --> 00:12:33,086
Not see!
You hear me? Not see!

303
00:12:34,213 --> 00:12:37,090
Not see! Am I helping?!

304
00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:38,634
Oh, he is a Nazi.

305
00:12:38,717 --> 00:12:40,511
Holy shit!

306
00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:43,805
That might have
actually been the best
moment of my entire life.

307
00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:45,724
(quietly):
Bang bang, fuck face.

308
00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:48,101
Oh my god,
that was awful.

309
00:12:48,185 --> 00:12:50,479
Let's continue
with something
sweeter...

310
00:12:50,562 --> 00:12:52,689
or someone sweeter.

311
00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:55,234
Our own Larson,
King of Chocolate,

312
00:12:55,317 --> 00:12:58,111
and a longtime supporter
of women's rights,

313
00:12:58,195 --> 00:13:00,781
not to mention
their tits and asses.

314
00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:03,784
Ha! I wish.
Married 28 years.

315
00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:05,202
And I don't
need to cheat.

316
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,538
My hot wife and I
fuck constantly!

317
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:09,790
She just gave me
a handy under the table!

318
00:13:09,873 --> 00:13:10,874
Both: Larson!

319
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,834
You told me you
guys never fucked!

320
00:13:12,918 --> 00:13:14,002
Wait, what?!

321
00:13:14,086 --> 00:13:15,754
You don't even have a vagina.

322
00:13:15,837 --> 00:13:17,631
Mrs. Claus:
A cheater as Santa?

323
00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:20,425
Jingle Jim:
A swinger as Successor?

324
00:13:20,509 --> 00:13:23,679
This is going to alienate
the evangelicals.

325
00:13:23,762 --> 00:13:25,430
Massacre complete.

326
00:13:25,514 --> 00:13:29,226
I am so shocked and sorry
by what's happened.

327
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:32,187
I had no idea some
lighthearted roasting

328
00:13:32,271 --> 00:13:35,148
would reveal such
character damnation.

329
00:13:35,232 --> 00:13:36,358
My bad.

330
00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:37,943
Do not apologize!

331
00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:41,280
A party mixed
with presents,
a toast, roasts,

332
00:13:41,363 --> 00:13:43,240
a Nazi, and sizzling gossip?

333
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:45,784
Hands down, weirdest
and best birthday ever!

334
00:13:45,867 --> 00:13:46,952
Thanks, Santa.

335
00:13:47,035 --> 00:13:48,120
Now let's get
to the moment

336
00:13:48,203 --> 00:13:50,122
we've all been
waiting for, shall we?

337
00:13:50,205 --> 00:13:52,541
Ah-ha.
Ah-ha!

338
00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:55,502
Important people
of Santa Inc.!

339
00:13:55,586 --> 00:13:59,423
The coal miners are
the unsung heroes
of Santa Inc.,

340
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:02,718
and we are treated
like shit by you,

341
00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:07,306
so tonight we sing
to you of our plight.

342
00:14:07,389 --> 00:14:08,890
♪ Coal mines make me sick ♪

343
00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:10,434
♪ But not sick like my dick ♪

344
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,269
Stop it!
Grandpa, Tony,

345
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:15,606
you're ruining this party!
Nobody cares about coal!

346
00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:17,524
Candy!
How could you?

347
00:14:17,608 --> 00:14:19,484
You're a coal
miner's daughter!

348
00:14:19,568 --> 00:14:21,194
Poppin' out of a cake!

349
00:14:21,278 --> 00:14:23,280
Happy Birthday, Big Guy!

350
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:24,573
Santa and The Board,

351
00:14:24,656 --> 00:14:27,784
you all have coal dust
on your hands!

352
00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:30,704
Wow, this is a lot--

353
00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:32,706
-Guest 1: Oh my god!
-Call 911!

354
00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:34,625
Guest 2:
We better not get
blamed for this shit.

355
00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:37,169
-Guest 3: I was in the Bahamas.
-Oh my god.

356
00:14:37,252 --> 00:14:39,630
Essential services
is down because
of the blizzard.

357
00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:41,173
-What about the sleigh?
-Oh shit!

358
00:14:41,256 --> 00:14:43,508
-I'm having it renovated.
-What do we do?

359
00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:47,512
Follow me!

360
00:14:47,596 --> 00:14:50,515
-(panting)
-(intense music plays)

361
00:14:50,599 --> 00:14:53,769
I got you, Santa.
I got you.

362
00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:54,853
Oh God.

363
00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:56,021
Fat Man is
in the building!

364
00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:57,689
10 cc's of eggnog, stat!

365
00:14:57,773 --> 00:15:00,400
Oh god.
Please save Santa.

366
00:15:00,484 --> 00:15:02,361
(grunting)

367
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:08,200
♪ ♪

368
00:15:16,291 --> 00:15:18,126
Candy:
He's the strongest
person there is.

369
00:15:18,210 --> 00:15:19,795
There's no way
he won't be okay.

370
00:15:19,878 --> 00:15:23,256
I think what would help
Santa now is the love
of my new BFF.

371
00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:25,008
I'm talkin'
about Christ.

372
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:26,426
My boy J.C.!

373
00:15:26,510 --> 00:15:29,304
Accept Jesus into your
life with this baptism!

374
00:15:29,388 --> 00:15:31,890
Save your soul
and Santa's life.

375
00:15:31,973 --> 00:15:33,767
-Get off of her!
-Dr. Fruitcake: Mrs. Claus,

376
00:15:33,850 --> 00:15:35,727
I have some good news
and some bad news.

377
00:15:35,811 --> 00:15:38,897
-The good news is,
Santa is in stable condition.
-(all sigh with relief)

378
00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:40,691
The bad news is,
the stable condition,

379
00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:42,776
-is a medically induced coma.
-(all gasp)

380
00:15:42,859 --> 00:15:44,778
Which is actually good news
because it gives us time

381
00:15:44,861 --> 00:15:48,407
-to prepare for a very lengthy
and complicated surgery.
-(all sigh with relief)

382
00:15:48,490 --> 00:15:49,991
-Which is bad news.
-(all gasp)

383
00:15:50,075 --> 00:15:52,411
Because I won't
be home for dinner
and it's lasagna night,

384
00:15:52,494 --> 00:15:57,249
and, I, like a certain
feline named Garfield,
live for lasagna,

385
00:15:57,332 --> 00:16:01,002
but I guess that's
just bad news for me.

386
00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:07,509
All right, we have no choice
but to enact Article Seven,

387
00:16:07,592 --> 00:16:10,804
Subsection B of
the North Pole Edict:

388
00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:12,472
(clears throat)

389
00:16:12,556 --> 00:16:14,641
"When a Santa
becomes incapacitated,

390
00:16:14,725 --> 00:16:16,268
"and cannot carry
out his duties,

391
00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:19,396
the Board must anoint
an Acting Santa."

392
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,773
Now, normally this
would be the Successor,

393
00:16:21,857 --> 00:16:23,984
but since Santa's
been stringing us along

394
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:26,194
like he's in
a filthy reality show,

395
00:16:26,278 --> 00:16:30,365
we are obligated to go
with the highest-ranking
member of Santa Inc.,

396
00:16:30,449 --> 00:16:32,617
which, in this case,
would be...

397
00:16:32,701 --> 00:16:35,495
-(patriotic music plays)
-I, Candy Smalls,
do solemnly swear

398
00:16:35,579 --> 00:16:39,291
to honor all the traditions
and spirit of Christmas...

399
00:16:39,374 --> 00:16:43,587
and will to the best
of my abilities
preserve and protect...

400
00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:46,631
Jingle Jim:
Well, well, well,

401
00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:49,551
if it isn't the first Santa
who pees sitting down.

402
00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:52,554
Ha, ha.
Is there any update
on Santa's condition?

403
00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:54,514
Is he, is he dead?

404
00:16:54,598 --> 00:16:57,601
-He's still in surgery.
-Oh! We did it!

405
00:16:57,684 --> 00:17:00,645
Yeah!
Y'all a bunch of ugly losers!

406
00:17:00,729 --> 00:17:02,522
And me and Candy,
but mostly me,

407
00:17:02,606 --> 00:17:05,484
are a couple
of sexy-ass winners!

408
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,778
Enough, Jeremy.
You're lazy and entitled,

409
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:10,197
and I thought you'd
grow up and change,
but you haven't.

410
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,490
So, you're fired.

411
00:17:11,573 --> 00:17:13,658
Wha-- Candy!

412
00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:16,203
How can you do that to me?

413
00:17:16,286 --> 00:17:17,496
Wait, do I get unemployment?

414
00:17:17,579 --> 00:17:21,082
Because if I do, whatever,
but if I don't, you suck!

415
00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:23,460
Ah, there you are!
It's Cookie.
She went into labor.

416
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,504
Craig texted me,
and said something
went wrong.

417
00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:28,048
Girl Santa on the move.
Girl Santa on the move.

418
00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:31,343
Mm, mm, mm.
This whole thing sucks.

419
00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:33,512
I'm sorry
the coffee's so bad.

420
00:17:33,595 --> 00:17:36,306
-I hate hospitals.
-Oh, me too.

421
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,266
You know, uh, when
I was getting divorced,

422
00:17:38,350 --> 00:17:40,936
I read something about how,
at the end of the day,

423
00:17:41,019 --> 00:17:43,396
we just need to tuck our
worries under the pillow,

424
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,148
and have faith that,
by morning,

425
00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:46,525
they'll all float away.

426
00:17:46,608 --> 00:17:48,276
That's from
the Tooth Fairy's memoir,

427
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:49,694
"Beneath the Pillow."

428
00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:52,197
I just read that!
That's what my costume is!

429
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,533
Oh yeah.
That's right.

430
00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:56,910
Is she just so darn
impressive or what?

431
00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:59,871
Really, the Tooth Fairy's
the only self-made woman

432
00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:01,498
in the whole
holiday industry.

433
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:05,001
She really is.
If only all of us
could have...

434
00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:07,420
that woman's
courage, I--

435
00:18:09,047 --> 00:18:12,425
I'm sorry.
I should probably go.

436
00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:15,428
Well, uh, hey,
if there's ever
anything you need,

437
00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:18,139
you just knock
on the door of
the Thirsty Deer,

438
00:18:18,223 --> 00:18:19,516
and I'll be there.

439
00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:22,894
Cookie, are you okay?

440
00:18:22,978 --> 00:18:25,897
Aw, my friends.
I have sad news.

441
00:18:25,981 --> 00:18:29,985
I gave birth to a seven-pound
six-ounce honey-baked ham.

442
00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:32,112
It was
a hysterical
pregnancy.

443
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:33,738
Symone was a ham!

444
00:18:33,822 --> 00:18:35,907
So, you're okay?
Good. What a relief.

445
00:18:35,991 --> 00:18:38,326
But, hey, did you hear?
I'm Acting Santa!

446
00:18:38,410 --> 00:18:42,080
How cool is that?
Ho, ho, ho. Ha!

447
00:18:42,163 --> 00:18:43,623
I mean, hopefully,
he'll be fine.

448
00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:44,749
Fuck, I'm hungry.

449
00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:46,459
Hm, and so insensitive.

450
00:18:46,543 --> 00:18:48,003
What does that mean?
An elf can't eat

451
00:18:48,086 --> 00:18:49,921
a big hunk
of rye bread anymore?

452
00:18:50,005 --> 00:18:51,548
You flaked on the baby shower,

453
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,925
before we found out
it was a ham shower,

454
00:18:54,009 --> 00:18:55,760
but it was still
a big event for her.

455
00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:58,555
You're talking about
being there for Cookie's
life moments?

456
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,265
You fucked the best man
at her wedding.

457
00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:02,058
So what?
That happens
all the time.

458
00:19:02,142 --> 00:19:03,268
During the ceremony?

459
00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:05,478
My mother still cries
when she talks about it.

460
00:19:05,562 --> 00:19:08,398
I'm just saying, I've always
been there for both of you,

461
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:11,985
and now if I'm, maybe,
being a little bit self-focused,

462
00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:14,571
I would, you know, think
you would give me a pass.

463
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:16,740
We've given you
a lot of passes lately.

464
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,284
And, Candy, I saw your
face during that roast...

465
00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:22,370
You were so vicious.
I didn't even recognize you.

466
00:19:22,454 --> 00:19:24,539
Ms. Smalls,
there's an update
on Santa's condition.

467
00:19:24,623 --> 00:19:27,375
Oh my god, is he dead?!
I mean, is he okay? Is he well?

468
00:19:27,459 --> 00:19:30,128
-Unknown.
-I gotta go.
I'll check in later.

469
00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:33,215
And then, like,
after three years,
she fires me.

470
00:19:33,298 --> 00:19:34,466
It's so unfair.

471
00:19:34,549 --> 00:19:36,843
If anything,
I deserve a raise
and my own assistant.

472
00:19:36,927 --> 00:19:38,470
You agree, right?

473
00:19:38,553 --> 00:19:40,347
Have you even been
listening to me?

474
00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:43,892
My last words are...
(gasps for air)

475
00:19:43,975 --> 00:19:47,187
you seem super-entitled.

476
00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:49,189
-(flatline)
-(family cries)

477
00:19:49,272 --> 00:19:51,733
Um, not sure
which one of you
that was for,

478
00:19:51,816 --> 00:19:53,151
but I hope you
learn from this.

479
00:19:53,235 --> 00:19:54,694
It was a mild heart arrhythmia.

480
00:19:54,778 --> 00:19:55,654
Mrs. Claus is with him.

481
00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:57,322
So, he's really
gonna be okay?

482
00:19:57,405 --> 00:19:59,324
Yes!
Why do you all
look so alarmed?

483
00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:01,242
Because you're
covered in
old blood!

484
00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:02,244
It's just chocolate.

485
00:20:02,327 --> 00:20:03,912
One of the nurses
brought brownies.

486
00:20:03,995 --> 00:20:05,622
But I'm afraid those
delicious treats

487
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:08,166
have zero percent
chance of survival.

488
00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:11,920
As soon as Santa recovers,
he must name a Successor.

489
00:20:14,255 --> 00:20:17,842
And Devin
just kept going
through the snow

490
00:20:17,926 --> 00:20:19,052
until he
got you here.

491
00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:21,262
You know, he's big,
but he doesn't seem strong.

492
00:20:21,346 --> 00:20:24,849
I guess it's like
when a mom lifts a van
off her baby, you know?

493
00:20:24,933 --> 00:20:27,978
Like, he saw me,
his hero, in trouble,

494
00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:30,021
and... he just
Hulked the fuck out.

495
00:20:30,105 --> 00:20:33,024
Santa!
I'm so glad you're okay.

496
00:20:33,108 --> 00:20:36,736
I guess it's true what they say,
your heart is way too big.

497
00:20:36,820 --> 00:20:38,405
It wasn't his heart.

498
00:20:38,488 --> 00:20:41,616
Um... his lap
implants burst,

499
00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:43,368
which led to sepsis.

500
00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:45,245
I thought the implants
were indestructible,

501
00:20:45,328 --> 00:20:48,039
like part titanium
and part dinosaur
or something.

502
00:20:48,123 --> 00:20:52,252
I did, too, but I guess it
just took a special situation
to break them down.

503
00:20:52,335 --> 00:20:55,046
You see, Candy, earlier today
I was going down on Mrs. Claus,

504
00:20:55,130 --> 00:20:58,091
-cunnilingus--
-She doesn't need
this information!

505
00:20:58,174 --> 00:20:59,676
No, no, she does,
and it's fine.

506
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:00,927
Look, Candy, it's just that,

507
00:21:01,011 --> 00:21:02,554
to get my tongue
at the right angle,

508
00:21:02,637 --> 00:21:04,014
I have to spread
my legs like a dog,

509
00:21:04,097 --> 00:21:07,767
-like lying on a rug kinda--
-This is so humiliating.

510
00:21:07,851 --> 00:21:09,185
(awkward laughter)

511
00:21:11,479 --> 00:21:13,732
(Candy laughs)

512
00:21:13,815 --> 00:21:16,234
(laughs)
Ho, ho, ho!

513
00:21:16,317 --> 00:21:18,319
Santa:
Man of the hour.

514
00:21:18,403 --> 00:21:19,779
Come on in.

515
00:21:19,863 --> 00:21:21,406
For carrying me all that way,

516
00:21:21,489 --> 00:21:27,287
I can only say with the deepest
and most sincere gratitude,

517
00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:29,748
I fuckin' owe you, brah.

518
00:21:29,831 --> 00:21:31,624
Just happy I could help.

519
00:21:31,708 --> 00:21:33,084
Hey, I know
it's late, but...

520
00:21:33,168 --> 00:21:35,253
I've got some
special visitors.

521
00:21:35,336 --> 00:21:37,047
(all laughing)

522
00:21:37,130 --> 00:21:38,590
Come on,
you little rascal.

523
00:21:38,673 --> 00:21:40,508
What did you
guys wanna say?

524
00:21:40,592 --> 00:21:42,385
Kids:
Get well soon, Santa!

525
00:21:42,469 --> 00:21:44,345
That was better
than any medicine.

526
00:21:44,429 --> 00:21:47,390
Except for
the medicine of morphine,

527
00:21:47,474 --> 00:21:49,267
which is...
much better.

528
00:21:49,350 --> 00:21:51,394
All right, people!
Santa needs to rest.

529
00:21:51,478 --> 00:21:52,896
Party's over.
Outta here.

530
00:21:52,979 --> 00:21:54,939
-Skedaddle. Shoo, shoo.
-Ooh, an elf.

531
00:21:55,023 --> 00:21:57,192
-I like your ears.
-No! I-- Don't touch my ears!

532
00:21:57,275 --> 00:21:58,943
They're sensitive!
Stop it! No!

533
00:21:59,027 --> 00:22:02,030
Bad kid! Easy, easy. Ahh!

534
00:22:02,113 --> 00:22:03,782
Let go of me on
the count of three.

535
00:22:03,865 --> 00:22:06,951
One, two--
Aah! Stop it! Ow!

536
00:22:07,035 --> 00:22:09,329
-Kid: Get over here, shorty.
-Candy: F-ing stop!

537
00:22:09,412 --> 00:22:13,458
Ugh, what a fucking night.
Oh god, now it's even worse.

538
00:22:13,541 --> 00:22:15,126
We're goin' to stay
with Uncle Ding Dong,

539
00:22:15,210 --> 00:22:17,629
even though he
has a mink farm
in his living room.

540
00:22:17,712 --> 00:22:19,297
It's better than
staying with you,

541
00:22:19,380 --> 00:22:20,256
‘cause you're the worst.

542
00:22:20,340 --> 00:22:22,175
I will not sleep
in this house

543
00:22:22,258 --> 00:22:24,427
for one more night
with a traitor!

544
00:22:24,511 --> 00:22:25,804
Well,
I totally agree!

545
00:22:25,887 --> 00:22:28,681
I was just coming home
to kick you guys out!

546
00:22:28,765 --> 00:22:31,768
I can't believe the shit
you pulled at Santa's party!

547
00:22:31,851 --> 00:22:33,103
You're the traitors!

548
00:22:33,186 --> 00:22:34,979
-(knock on window)
-Snowman: Candy,

549
00:22:35,063 --> 00:22:36,981
I finally found you.

550
00:22:37,065 --> 00:22:40,110
-Snowie?
-I've been sitting in
Santa's office so long,

551
00:22:40,193 --> 00:22:41,945
I lost my sense
of direction.

552
00:22:42,028 --> 00:22:43,822
But I have
to tell you,

553
00:22:43,905 --> 00:22:46,783
yesterday,
I heard Santa say

554
00:22:46,866 --> 00:22:49,619
who he's choosing
as a Successor.

555
00:22:49,702 --> 00:22:51,079
Crazy, right?

556
00:22:51,162 --> 00:22:53,373
Yes, crazy,
and a name, please?

557
00:22:53,456 --> 00:22:55,834
Oh my gosh,
I forgot to say.

558
00:22:55,917 --> 00:22:57,710
I've been in that
globe so long,

559
00:22:57,794 --> 00:22:59,879
my social skills
are a bit cloudy.

560
00:22:59,963 --> 00:23:01,923
Goddammit,
Snowie, who is it?

561
00:23:02,006 --> 00:23:04,050
Santa's choosing you!

562
00:23:04,134 --> 00:23:06,469
Now I'm going
to make up
for lost time.

563
00:23:06,553 --> 00:23:09,722
I've been craving
a cobb salad
for 17 years.

564
00:23:09,806 --> 00:23:14,102
(screaming)
Wah!

565
00:23:14,978 --> 00:23:17,188
I did it. I won.

566
00:23:17,272 --> 00:23:19,440
I'm going down in history.

567
00:23:19,524 --> 00:23:23,111
Everybody's a sucker but me!

568
00:23:25,363 --> 00:23:28,908
You just can't get a good
cobb salad in a snow globe.

569
00:23:28,992 --> 00:23:33,329
-Gotcha, ya icy bastard!
-Ahh! No!

570
00:23:39,627 --> 00:23:41,796
(toys whirring)

571
00:23:44,257 --> 00:23:47,343
(joyful music playing)

572
00:23:51,306 --> 00:23:54,350
(toys whirring)

573
00:24:01,316 --> 00:24:03,359
♪ ♪

574
00:24:13,328 --> 00:24:15,371
♪ ♪

575
00:24:25,173 --> 00:24:27,342
♪ ♪