♪ You were like a father to me ♪
♪ Because you were my dad ♪
♪ Ever since your tragic death ♪
♪ My heart it hurts real bad ♪
♪ Our dicks were identical ♪
♪ The veins, the shaft, the girth ♪
♪ Our junk separated at birth ♪
♪ Father son schlong, father son dong ♪
-Catchin' up on some porn, huh? -Uh, that's right, boss.
Just porning it up at the office.
Well, if you need to finish, you know,
flickin' it, or, uh, whatever you're doin' down there,
you know, just slappin' your flaps,
-I can duck out. Just let me know. -Oh god, stop.
I was actually just watching a dumb music video
my brother made for the anniversary of our dad's death.
Your dad would be so proud of you, Candy.
Acting number two at Santa Inc.,
you're a guest of Santa at his
South Pole Villa this weekend,
-you're a very snappy dresser-- -Back it up, back it up
to the South Pole Villa part.
Oh, I want you to come there with me and the Board.
I'm doin' trips with all the top Successor contenders.
We did a wine tasting last weekend with Timmy the Toy Guy.
What can I say? He was a fun hang.
He's pullin' toys out all the fuckin' time.
-It's just inherently fun. -Oh, I'm so happy for Timmy,
the totally uninteresting white male choice
that will do nothing for this company.
You know what it could be, is a good chance
for you to wipe away the memory of your
State of the Workshop hell speech.
I mean, "hell speech" is probably too harsh.
Uh, "Nightmare speech"? "Apocalypse speech"?
You know, all those sound worse.
-Are ya in? -Fuck yes! Wow.
Be a fun hang, like Timmy.
You know, be yourself, but the most Timmy
version of yourself.
I assumed you knew I was infamously
one of the most fun people who's ever existed.
Mm-hm, yeah, sure. If you say so.
Even penguins think I'm funny.
And you know what a tough crowd
those miserable motherfuckers are.
(joyful music playing)
(horn honks)
-Candy: I'm fun, right? -Goldie: Of course.
Why would I, a woman, whose motto is,
"I live for dick,"
have a best friend who sucked?
Your impressions make everyone so happy.
Remember in high school when you crank called
your mother and pretended to be Tom Selleck?
"I would love to devour your hot bod, Mrs. Smalls."
"Let Magnum whisk you away to Hawaii."
You guys are right. I rule.
I just hope that Santa and the Board
see in me what you see.
Would you guys wanna come?
Santa said I could bring guests.
-South Pole, here we come! -(all cheering)
What the fuck, Cookie?
I have to babysit while you go on vacation?
You don't babysit your own child, asshole!
And if you deny me this,
the next time your body will be touched by my hands
is when I shove you down the stairs
-to get your life insurance. -Take all the time ya need.
I'll be here, babysitting, ehh, with the kid, eh,
come back when y-- Bye voyage.
Devin: Let's go over what we know:
Santa and the Board are all male and all white.
Their average age is 67 because they're all 67.
They play golf, drink, smoke cigars,
say things like, "deregulation,"
and "quarterly earnings,"
and "don't ever marry your mistress."
Oh, I know how to play golf.
I, I played with my dad all the time.
I'm actually pretty good.
What I need to learn is how to bro out with these guys.
You know, shoot the shit, do shots,
shoot shots of shit, whatever.
Oh, you've come to the right guy.
The Board are exactly like my frat bros,
except they pop Viagra instead of Adderall.
Now we have 48 hours of cramming to do.
Let's go over that dirty joke again.
A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sit at a bar.
(motivational music playing)
♪ ♪
(razor buzzing)
Look at me.
I look hot enough to melt the polar ice caps.
Billions would perish, but I don't care
'cause I look great in a bathing suit.
What's wrong? You love it when I pretend I'm not an old bag of shit.
I am feeling a little down lately.
This morning, I put an English muffin in our toaster,
and I just stared at the toaster until
the English muffin...
popped back up.
Have you ever done that? Just stared.
Is it gonna do what it always does?
And then, it does.
I guess it's a relief.
You're the most beautiful Mrs. Claus
since the beginning of time.
This vacation is going to be great.
All I want is to see if Candy can hold her own,
and to fuck my lady in our new jacuzzi
with the underwater TVs.
(sighs) I wonder what the toaster's up to.
Candy: Gone for the weekend, suckers.
Don't miss me too much, and don't--
Oh, would you look at this, Candy.
Isn't it beautiful?
My retirement plan.
A betting pool to decide the future Successor.
Ha, ha, yes. Grandpa is a genius.
We Smalls are gonna make it rain in this bitch!
This is very illegal.
You could go to jail for this.
What? At least I'd get three hots
and a cot in the clink.
My miner's pension is a hundred bucks a month
and a sock full of coal.
Oh my god, that is so bad.
But when I'm Successor, I can change things.
Okay, let's see how I'm doing.
The bottom?! This is fucked!
I'm better than Male Human Shit!
You'll see! You'll all see!
(ship horn blows)
Holy motherfuckin' ship.
Yep, Santa's private yacht.
The "Twelve Twenty-Six."
Built a hundred years ago entirely by Elf labor.
Get ready to set sail on my Great-Grandpa's sweat.
This is so fun!
I "forgot" my wedding ring at home,
so, technically, I am back on the market!
Cruisin' into some D! Ding-Ding! Dicks ahoy!
Hey! I wanted to wish you luck.
Good tidings, Mademoiselle Goldie.
Uh, would you do me the honor of going on
a petite date with me when you're back
from this little journey?
I'm not looking for any more rando hook-ups, okay?
I need a real adult with a career.
Not some college slob with a boner in his cargo shorts.
Ah, I'm sorry.
Captain: Get ready for an adventure
unlike anything ya ever experienced.
Unless ya done Molly and Oxy together, which I just did.
And I should not be operating heavy machinery right now,
but fuck it!
All aboard!
(drill whirring)
-Candy: What? -Cookie/Goldie: Huh?
All: Ooh! Wow!
Candy: Men of the Board, after that wild ride,
let me give you a little sorbet to cleanse the palate.
My personal, very own impression of Santa.
"Did I tell you I chose the first Black Successor?
If you forget, I'll remind you until you die."
-(all laughing) -You sound exactly like him.
(beat music plays)
-What's he doin' here? -What the fuck? Is he crashing?
He's crashing.
I'm here not to vacation,
but to recover from surgery.
(grunts) I gave my Grandma half of my liver.
It was very painful, but ah, ah...
it was worth it.
So giving, or dare I say,
Me-esque.
Come stay with us for the weekend.
No more talking! I insist. You're coming.
Why are you crashing? You get your own event.
I'm workin' my way up the list of contenders, bottom to top.
Bang, bang, bang.
And you're first, so prepare for Hell,
'cause I'm startin' Smalls.
Pun intended.
Goldie: I'm gonna marry this fucking waffle
whether it's legal or not because
(sings) ♪ Our love is real ♪
I slept through all the dumb-ass texts Craig sent me.
"I don't see the milk.
"I'm lying in bed with my eyes closed,
"but I still don't see the milk.
"Good news! Opened my eyes,
"went into the kitchen and opened the fridge.
There was the milk."
-Hey! -Cookie: You look like the bride
at a lesbian Leprechaun wedding.
This is what these old guys wear on the golf course.
I need to fit in.
If they're gonna swing their dicks,
I have to swing my vag.
Leave Candy alone. She's got that freak Junior on her ass.
I'm gonna bro these guys' brains out,
I'm gonna golf their cocks off,
then we'll all get wasted at the steakhouse tonight
where I'm ordering the Japanese beef,
and then, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm sendin' it back
for being overdone, even if it isn't,
because that is what a future Successor does.
Peace!
Isn't it weird havin' a girl on a guys' trip?
Not bad weird. Just like, bad not as good.
Is it "bad" that I feel like slamming this entire BM right now?
Look at her toss that celery to the side!
She's not eatin' that shit!
She's one of the boys! She knows it's garnish!
Technically, the penis and the clitoris develop from the same organ,
so I guess I am one of the boys.
Or maybe you're all one of the girls! Heyo!
(laughing)
Good one, Candy.
Who cares? I gotta drain the hog.
-I hear that shit. -Dick full of piss ready to blow, huh?
Candy: Same, my bros.
Vag full of piss, ready to blow.
Is there a, um, is there a r-restroom nearby?
Ah, I can hold it!
Candy, don't be silly. Find a restroom.
-It's important. It's pee. -Candy, let the number one
reindeer help you take a number one.
-(horn honks) -My caddy can drive you.
Oh, okay, but my Katrina, she is such a sweetheart.
She asked me, "Grandma, why can't every day be Grandma Day?"
-Now is that some real cutie-pie shit or what? -(all laughing)
(awkward laughs) Uh, so cute, yes.
If I ever get that boring, smother me in my sleep.
But make sure to tweeze my facial hair after
in case I have an open coffin.
We should save Mrs. Claus from her boring-ass friends.
Ladies, sorry to interrupt.
The concierge inside has a package
from the North Pole, and they don't know
who it's for. It's just addressed to
"The World's Greatest Grandma."
Move it or lose it, Carol!
I will cut you!
I swear, I'll murder your grandchild!
Ow!
I wonder who the package was for?
There was no package. We just freed you
from the boring nightmare women.
What? Those...
annoying nightmares
are my closest friends.
Nobody said "annoying."
That was all you.
You're better than them.
Let's go do something fancy!
Whew, all peed out and ready to rock. Let's go!
-Whoops, wrong hole. -Is that what you tell your wife?
No, ma'am. I tell her my truth,
which is that anal rocks.
Cookie: Mmm, oh my god, this is good.
The best kneading I've had in years.
Mrs. Claus, you have a knot the size of a Christmas ornament!
What do you have to be stressed about?
You're living the dream.
My life is kinda boring.
Schmoozing with dignitaries, bullshitting with diplomats.
I guess I thought Nick and I would be partners,
you know, change Christmas for the better.
-Like Candy. -Mrs. Claus: Exactly!
When I saw her speak at the State of the Workshop,
it all clicked.
That's who I thought I would be some day,
an agent of change, but I'm just a wife.
-(laughs) -Goldie: I get it.
I train like a dog every year,
and get treated like a bitch on Christmas Eve.
It truly sucks shit.
Mmm, the tension of dreams unrealized.
There is nothing like it.
We were here an hour ago! You drove in a giant circle!
Welp, I guess we're lost.
Let's just stay in one place until someone finds us.
-Fan of historical fiction? -Are you fuckin' kidding me?
Shove over. I'm driving.
-(all laughing) -Candy: Ah... sorry.
Got a little turned around at the 18th hole.
All: Hole!
Okay, what am I missing?
Oh, nothing, just the inside joke
that will bond us guys, and not you, forever.
It's a really funny, smart game Junior made up.
We tweak each other's balls
whenever someone says "hole." Oh--
-Hole! -Oh, I did it!
-Tweak, tweak, tweak. -Hole!
-(laughing) -That's another.
All: Hole!
-Whoa! -Dear Lord, I keep forgetting that you're not a small boy!
-(all laughing) -(Candy groans)
Candy: Hello, friends. My day sucked.
Junior won't get off my dick,
and everyone loves him so much.
He'll fuck up soon enough. Ooh, call Junior a...
(whispers): caribou.
Reindeer freak out at that.
No, I still have Devin's joke in my back pocket.
And I picked up these to be safe.
The unholy alliance between vaginas and bathrooms
shall shackle women's progress no longer!
When do we leave for dinner?
I need time to iron my tail.
Yeah, there's some bad news.
The dinner tonight is bros only.
Well, bros and one ho, me.
Going along with this sexist tradition?
It's against who you are.
I fucking have to! Don't you get it?
Candy! You just snapped at me.
This is important!
And you snap at me all the time!
Because years ago we all agreed that
I can dish it out, but I can't take it.
Why is she not honoring my hypocrisy?
I wish we could talk more,
but I need to throw on my diaper,
and memorize a grotesque sexist joke,
so I can save the world for women everywhere!
I have to confess, this whole trip,
it's making me...
-miss Craig. -That's gross and dark.
You're not even the one who got snapped at.
But it triggered me all the same.
When Candy snapped, it reminded me of when I snap at Craig.
He never snaps back. He just grumbles,
"crazy fuckin' bitch," and walks away.
It's so sweet! (sighs)
I wonder what he and Fun Size are doing right now?
That was a fun day in the sandbox.
Now, does Fun Size wanna hear Daddy tell a story before bed?
This was not the playdate I was looking for, asshole.
Where the fuck is my baby? Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
-Hey, massage buds! -Mrs. Claus!
-You goin' out on the town? -Oh no, I'm headed back
from an early dinner with the Carols.
-Wanna get a drink? -I am horny for friendship.
Am I saying that right?
"Horny"? Can you guys use that in a sentence?
(laughs) Hop in!
(indistinct chatter)
What do you gotta do to flag down a penguin around here?
So, should I just, uh, sit in the middle of the table, or what?
My bad. I told them five, but it's six.
-Um, that's for a baby. -It is?
I swear to God I did not realize that.
I just thought it was for a weak adult.
Waiter, can we get an adult chair,
and 20 to 30 phone books for the lady, please?
Just-- Stop yelling. It's fine. I'll-- This is fine.
It's actually cool. It's, uh, less like a high chair for a baby,
and more like a, a throne for a queen.
Yo, Candy? You wearin' a diapee?
Uh, yeah, I'm wearing a diaper.
-(baby giggles) -No, of course not.
-Say "night night" 'cause you're about to go down, elf. -We'll see.
Goldie: Candy's snap was like an alligator, Mrs. Claus.
Chomp, chomp, chomp. I'll never forget it.
Neither will we!
You've been talking about it for an hour.
I know you're upset, Goldie,
but Candy's trying to make history.
And once she's named Santa,
she'll have more time for us.
(laughing) More time?
All Nick has done for 45 years
since becoming Successor is work!
He doesn't have time to go to movies,
or have dinner alone with me,
let alone, you know, go down on me.
Actually, it's been 20 years.
What? How do you 69?
Well, we haven't 69'ed since '96.
I remember it was '96 because it was the night Tupac died.
-So they say. -Forget about all that now.
You're on vacation.
Let's take this party to another level!
(dance music playing)
(crowd cheering)
Is this it? Is this dancing? I love it!
Santa: Holy shit, it's me!
An artist is among us!
Eh, just somethin' I do with my bros at home all the time.
You're like a dickless Michelangelo
of smoke ring blowers!
Cardinal Stryker: It's as beautiful as the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
Suck on that, asshole.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! My men, watch this!
-(applause) -(cheers)
You're a wizard of the smoke!
(Candy coughs and laughs)
Candy: Bros, bros!
I got an amazing joke for you. A dirty one.
It's gonna blow your dicks off.
-Oh, I see Junior's already heard it. -(table laughing)
So, a pickle, a cucumber, and a penis sit at a bar.
Girls! It's getting late.
Why not keep the party going, Mrs. Claus?
-Hey, what is your first name? -Ugh, I hate it.
My dad took it hard when I was born
because he got a third daughter,
so he named me after himself...
the son he always wanted.
-Woo! Yes! -You go, Leonard! Who's a hot bitch?
-Leonard is! -Woo-hoo!
Candy: So, the penis says,
"What are you complaining about--"
They constantly wrap me in a plastic bag,
shove me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up!
(laughing)
That was my dirty joke!
You're a very amusing woman,
but dirty jokes sound better
coming from a low voice.
And that's why Vin Diesel
will always be funnier than Lucille Ball.
(laughing)
Ugh, this is out of control.
The fact that the Board of a giant company has
this sexist attitude
means we need big changes at Santa Inc.
Nick! It's happening again.
You promised me she wouldn't suck like with that last speech.
I'm having PTSD from the swag bag I never got.
Me likey swag.
Me likey free frozen yogurt machine.
Candy, you promised you wouldn't do this.
Pull it together and be impressive.
Hey, look! The tiramisu's in the fuckin' house!
(cries)
Mrs. Claus: Hello there.
Hey, Mrs. Claus.
It's weird we built a whole
tropical villa here
when it's even colder than the North Pole.
(laughs)
What a fucking waste of money.
What's going on? You look sad.
This night just showed me my dream is a fucking joke.
I feel like I should just spare myself more humiliation,
and just call it a day.
No, you can't!
Before I married Santa,
I wanted to "be the change I wished to see in the world."
You know, like Gandhi said.
I never was because I gave up.
Don't do what I did.
Yeah, I get it.
Though I think that quote
has actually been misattributed to Gandhi.
See?! That's why you can't give up!
I misattribute quotes to Gandhi! You don't!
And obviously, there's a million other amazing things about you,
but I'm so fucking wasted.
Can you help me... up, up, up?
Yes, yes, of course. Let's go.
Please don't give up!
(intense music playing)
Ooh, too little.
Holy shit! Nice one.
Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me.
Fuckin' fuck. Fuck.
Fuck my balls.
Got a four!
(laughs) Oh, that is so cute.
(indistinct chatter)
(grunts)
♪ ♪
Santa: Candy's the man!
(chanting): Candy's the man! Candy's the man!
Okay, okay. A hole-in-one
from the ladies' tee is easy,
but from back here, that takes skill.
-Watch this. -Aw, he's right, you guys.
Oh shit! He whacked that tiny girl in the face!
Come on! I didn't even touch her!
She'll never get a husband now!
-Ow, ow, ah! -Poor, fragile woman!
What if it was my wife or daughter or Virgin Mary?
Candy: Don't go into the light, Candy!
Jesus Christ!
Candy? Can you, can you, can you get up?
I don't think so. I'm even weaker than normal.
-Liar! -You just whacked this
fuckin' woman in the head with a golf club, dude.
We all saw it!
Stop lying and apologize to her!
Do you know who I am? Who my father is?
We are not liars.
-That little piece of elf trash is the liar! -(gasps)
I've spent this whole weekend winnin' you assholes over,
then, suddenly, it's all about Candy?
Her hole-in-one, and then her other hole-in-one!
Not to mention we just said "hole" 50 different times,
and no one even moved to ball tweak!
What happened to our inside joke?!
Ball tweak, hole! Ball tweak, ball tweak, hole!
Ball tweak, ball tweak. Give me them balls!
Get 'em over here, line 'em up!
You are outta control, man.
This behavior is fuckin' bullshit
for both a gentleman and future Successor.
So, fuck you, stop it.
Grrr.
(Walrus groans)
Hole!
Man, it's hard to watch Junior come undone like that.
That was fucked up.
Chasing the Santa job fucks with your head.
Let's just say that...
I did some shit I am not proud of.
Tell me. I need some gossip to distract me from this pain.
It's like this, I was born fat.
Okay? As a kid, an adult, always fat.
But top heavy, you know, like, like a big gut,
but... nothin' below really.
And, and I got hung up about it, you know?
N-No kid wants to go see Santa and tell them what they want for Christmas
sitting on some bony-ass fuckin' lap, right?
So, right before being named Successor,
when the decision was still up in the air...
-I got lap implants. -No shit!
Let me test drive this bitch.
Woo! Ho-ho! It's bouncy!
It's cozy! You'd never know it was fake.
Indestructible, too. My lap used to look like
a dick and balls just like resting on a wire coat hanger.
It was fuckin' gross.
But now, everything is pure silicone and titanium.
What can I say? Goin' for the red suit...
it'll make you do strange things.
Yeah, I know.
Oh my god! You set Junior up.
-Is that horrible? -Yes!
You're playin' the game, Candy.
I'm impressed. I didn't know you had it in ya.
Honestly, Santa, neither did I.
Hey, I was wondering something:
did you know anything about what went on
with the Christmas Spirit bars?
You know what? Forget it. I, I didn't think you did.
(ship horn blows)
Look, you guys haven't talked to me since yesterday and I--
I just wanted to say I'm really sorry about this weekend.
You're doing important shit. We support you.
But never snap again, okay?
It triggers me to be very upset.
Got it. Never again.
Hey, did I tell you? The Board said I was
"just like one of the guys."
Isn't that cool?
I don't know. Is it?
Yeah! I passed the test!
Then we're happy for you, Candy.
Oh look! There are my guys!
-Oh! I missed you! -Really?
But are you only being nice
because you cheated and feel guilty?
'Cause I'm not being nice because I fucked up
and lost the baby or anything like that,
and like replaced the baby with an old man or anything,
everything went fucking fine.
I know you lost Fun Size at the park.
What? I have a hundred trackers baked into that kid.
He was buried in the sandbox the whole time.
Craig, your wife is one smart Cookie.
Hey, Grandpa. What're you doing up?
I only sleep when every woman in the North Pole
has been sexually satisfied. You know that.
Right, I forgot.
I guess I'm tired from the jet lag.
It's the same time zone, but drilling through the Earth
-can take it out of ya. -I get it.
You's is risin' to the top.
(joyful music playing)
(heavy metal music playing)
♪ You were like a father to me ♪
♪ Because you were my dad ♪
♪ Ever since your tragic death ♪
♪ My heart it hurts real bad ♪
♪ Our dicks were identical ♪
♪ The veins, the shaft, the girth ♪
♪ Our junk separated at birth ♪
♪ Father son schlong, father son dong ♪
♪ Whenever I jerk it, I'll sing you this song ♪
♪ ♪