1 00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:08,259 All: Three... Two... One! 2 00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:11,596 Happy New Year! Woo! 3 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,473 Any resolutions, Dave-Pierre? 4 00:00:13,556 --> 00:00:15,433 Eh, maybe get a shrink. How 'bout you? 5 00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:16,809 I'm gonna stop eating carbs, 6 00:00:16,893 --> 00:00:17,977 be nicer to my Mom, 7 00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:19,312 become the next Successor-- 8 00:00:19,395 --> 00:00:20,730 My New Year's resolution 9 00:00:20,813 --> 00:00:23,483 is to find out if those titties of yours 10 00:00:23,566 --> 00:00:25,651 are as pointy as your ears. 11 00:00:25,735 --> 00:00:27,278 You know, I'd normally find that repulsive, 12 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:29,280 but you're actually inspiring me to like 13 00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,532 make Santa Inc. safe from predators who 14 00:00:31,616 --> 00:00:33,534 force women to remain scared and silent, 15 00:00:33,618 --> 00:00:35,369 so... thank you. 16 00:00:38,581 --> 00:00:41,125 (joyful music playing) 17 00:00:45,296 --> 00:00:47,215 (sirens wailing) 18 00:00:49,759 --> 00:00:52,345 Santa: Timmy the Toy Guy would also make a decent Successor. 19 00:00:52,428 --> 00:00:54,514 Larson in Chocolate is solid. 20 00:00:54,597 --> 00:00:56,182 Below 85 degrees at least. 21 00:00:56,265 --> 00:00:59,268 And Junior wants to put his nose in the ring. 22 00:00:59,352 --> 00:01:02,188 -Ha! Nose? Hello? -(slurping) 23 00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:04,816 I'm droppin' fuckin' bombs here, c'mon! 24 00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:07,193 You really want me to stop blowing you 25 00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:09,195 just to acknowledge that terrible joke? 26 00:01:09,278 --> 00:01:12,156 -I mean, I will. -Yeah, some sort of acknowledgment. 27 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:13,866 (sighs) Okay. 28 00:01:13,950 --> 00:01:15,618 (laughs) 29 00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:17,119 Ah, hilarious! 30 00:01:17,203 --> 00:01:19,622 Was that really better than me sucking your dick? 31 00:01:19,705 --> 00:01:24,460 Ho, ho, ho shit! Oh, Mrs. Claus. 32 00:01:24,544 --> 00:01:28,714 How awesome would I be to have chosen the first Black Successor, 33 00:01:28,798 --> 00:01:31,384 and then, the first woman Successor? 34 00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:34,887 You know how firsts of any kind turn me on. 35 00:01:34,971 --> 00:01:36,389 Candy's a Jew, too. 36 00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:38,766 She checks off two boxes: woman and Jew. 37 00:01:38,850 --> 00:01:40,017 Holy shit! 38 00:01:40,101 --> 00:01:42,395 Holy shit! A woman and a Jew?! 39 00:01:42,478 --> 00:01:45,606 I'll go from historic to, like, fuckin' legendary! 40 00:01:45,690 --> 00:01:47,441 Oh my god! Enough! 41 00:01:47,525 --> 00:01:49,318 Uh, can I ask what your problem is? 42 00:01:49,402 --> 00:01:51,195 We made a New Year's Eve resolution 43 00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:53,990 to improve our sex life an hour ago, 44 00:01:54,073 --> 00:01:56,075 and you've already blown it off. 45 00:01:56,158 --> 00:01:59,203 That's categorically insane. I just nutted. 46 00:01:59,287 --> 00:02:01,330 -Think we're doin' okay. -Ugh! 47 00:02:01,414 --> 00:02:04,292 ♪ ♪ 48 00:02:06,919 --> 00:02:11,048 Ah, the North Pole University interns on their first day. 49 00:02:11,132 --> 00:02:13,968 Look at those adorable, excited faces. 50 00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:16,512 -So, who did you assign to me? -Fat guy in cargo shorts. 51 00:02:16,596 --> 00:02:18,598 Candy: Why not a fat girl in cargo shorts? 52 00:02:18,681 --> 00:02:20,391 Assigning you a woman 53 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,560 just because she's a woman 54 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:24,270 is mad discriminatory. 55 00:02:24,353 --> 00:02:26,105 Will you relax? Brent was a man, 56 00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:28,608 and I couldn't have dreamed of a better mentor, 57 00:02:28,691 --> 00:02:30,484 up until he abandoned me. 58 00:02:30,568 --> 00:02:31,777 I wonder who's gonna be doing 59 00:02:31,861 --> 00:02:33,779 the State of the Workshop speech tonight. 60 00:02:33,863 --> 00:02:36,324 I wish it could be me, but I-- 61 00:02:36,407 --> 00:02:38,784 You know, Santa will probably just step in. 62 00:02:38,868 --> 00:02:40,578 All right, let's do this. 63 00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,246 Hello, the future! 64 00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:45,875 -(interns cheering) -I am Candy Smalls, acting Head of Operations. 65 00:02:45,958 --> 00:02:47,501 Let me tell you about myself. 66 00:02:47,585 --> 00:02:50,129 As a kid, I was working in the candy factory 67 00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:51,797 when Brent discovered me. 68 00:02:51,881 --> 00:02:53,341 He saw my excitement, 69 00:02:53,424 --> 00:02:55,718 how fast my hands wrapped the mints, 70 00:02:55,801 --> 00:02:58,095 and he taught me everything he knew. 71 00:02:58,179 --> 00:03:00,932 Today, you are about to take a giant step 72 00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:02,391 into your future career. 73 00:03:02,475 --> 00:03:04,810 -And I mean giant. -(interns laughing) 74 00:03:04,894 --> 00:03:08,481 -So let's get started! -(cheering) 75 00:03:08,564 --> 00:03:11,233 Ooh, she's good. I felt that in my gut. 76 00:03:11,317 --> 00:03:12,401 Bravo, Candy! 77 00:03:12,485 --> 00:03:14,987 And welcome, NPU seniors! 78 00:03:15,071 --> 00:03:16,447 My old alma mater. 79 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:19,075 South Pole U Football sucks dick! 80 00:03:19,158 --> 00:03:21,452 Go Mighty Mistletoes! 81 00:03:22,328 --> 00:03:26,958 -Good morning, Santa! -Hello, I am the intern to you, Candy Smalls. 82 00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:28,668 Uh, my name is Devin Johnson. 83 00:03:28,751 --> 00:03:30,670 Great to meet ya, Devin Johnson. 84 00:03:30,753 --> 00:03:32,046 Let's get goin'. I got a meeting 85 00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:34,173 with the Head of Toys, and you're comin' with me. 86 00:03:34,256 --> 00:03:35,633 W-With Timmy the Toy Guy? 87 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,343 The dude who put the "B" in Furby? 88 00:03:37,426 --> 00:03:38,594 The "X" in Xbox? 89 00:03:38,678 --> 00:03:40,763 The man who said on May 3, 1978, 90 00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:44,141 "This doll's patch should be one of cabbage"? 91 00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:45,309 (shouts): Let's freakin' go! 92 00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:46,811 I'm about to meet the most exciting 93 00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:48,229 person who ever lived! 94 00:03:48,312 --> 00:03:52,525 The idea sparked at the urgent care waiting room. 95 00:03:52,608 --> 00:03:54,485 I sprained my hand, 96 00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:55,695 it's fine, 97 00:03:55,778 --> 00:03:58,364 and ran into a mole who had been concussed 98 00:03:58,447 --> 00:03:59,657 -with a mallet. -Can we just-- 99 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,534 He told me that moles' lives 100 00:04:01,617 --> 00:04:04,370 have been destroyed by the game Whack-A-Mole. 101 00:04:04,453 --> 00:04:05,579 Yes, I've heard this before. 102 00:04:05,663 --> 00:04:07,373 So I thought we could protect 103 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:09,125 the enchanting species 104 00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:11,544 with our next big Christmas toy, 105 00:04:11,627 --> 00:04:13,671 Smash-A-Sloth. 106 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,006 (game beeping) 107 00:04:16,966 --> 00:04:18,759 There he goes. 108 00:04:18,843 --> 00:04:19,927 I just have a thought. 109 00:04:20,011 --> 00:04:21,387 Never mind, I'm a loser who sucks. 110 00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:24,056 Stop it! Tell me what you're thinkin'. 111 00:04:24,140 --> 00:04:25,725 And, you know, never say "I suck" 112 00:04:25,808 --> 00:04:28,269 before you pitch an idea. No idea sucks. 113 00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:30,855 Well, I just think now moles will be safe, 114 00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,565 but won't sloths be terrorized? 115 00:04:32,648 --> 00:04:34,942 Maybe the whack'ed should be something that deserves it, 116 00:04:35,026 --> 00:04:36,402 like Whack-A-White Supremacist. 117 00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:38,070 (phone ring tone): It's Santa, yay! 118 00:04:38,154 --> 00:04:39,405 Holy shit fuck. 119 00:04:39,488 --> 00:04:42,408 Santa just texted me for the first time ever. 120 00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:43,784 He wants to see me. 121 00:04:43,868 --> 00:04:46,746 I should frame this. No, I should get over there. 122 00:04:46,829 --> 00:04:49,081 All right, good start, Timmy. Why don't you get going on 123 00:04:49,165 --> 00:04:50,666 the new and improved Devin angle? 124 00:04:50,750 --> 00:04:53,252 -Okay. -Oh, wow! 125 00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:58,174 I was sooo into your speech to the interns, Candy. 126 00:04:58,257 --> 00:05:00,426 Help me! 127 00:05:01,052 --> 00:05:02,511 I was sooo into it. 128 00:05:02,595 --> 00:05:04,680 You inspired and you entertained, 129 00:05:04,764 --> 00:05:07,099 two very important Santa qualities. 130 00:05:07,183 --> 00:05:08,726 Did you like when I held up my shoe? 131 00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,102 That was pure improv. 132 00:05:10,186 --> 00:05:12,354 I loved it! I was like, how-wha-whe-wha-what? 133 00:05:12,438 --> 00:05:13,939 Did she come up with that last night? 134 00:05:14,023 --> 00:05:16,609 Write it down and then find a way to do it? 135 00:05:16,692 --> 00:05:19,278 Blew my fuckin' mind. That's all I can say. 136 00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:22,948 And that is why I want you to give 137 00:05:23,032 --> 00:05:24,742 the State of the Workshop speech tonight. 138 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:28,954 (screams) Oh my god! Ah! So honored. 139 00:05:29,038 --> 00:05:32,291 Just blown away, but still standing here, but just blown away. 140 00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:34,627 I took your words of wanting to be Successor to heart. 141 00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:38,964 Because I am, in fact, the coolest, dopest Santa ever. 142 00:05:39,048 --> 00:05:40,508 I'm sorry, I need to scream more. 143 00:05:40,591 --> 00:05:44,470 (high-pitched screams) Oh my god! Oh my god! 144 00:05:44,553 --> 00:05:45,679 (screams) 145 00:05:45,763 --> 00:05:46,889 I think it's exciting, too. 146 00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:48,099 It's great for the Board 147 00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:50,976 to see a woman take the helm. 148 00:05:51,060 --> 00:05:52,603 Yes, love the optics. 149 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,188 Love that you're hearing me. 150 00:05:54,271 --> 00:05:55,481 Loving everything about this. 151 00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:57,316 I'm, I'm gonna go prepare. 152 00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:59,068 Just do the same thing Brent did every year. 153 00:05:59,151 --> 00:06:03,322 The Board loves it, and another friendly word of advice, Candy, 154 00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:06,492 Don't fuck this up, or your shot at being Successor 155 00:06:06,575 --> 00:06:08,160 is fucking doomed! 156 00:06:08,244 --> 00:06:09,870 (ominous music playing) 157 00:06:09,954 --> 00:06:12,748 Oh my god, I'm kidding! Ah! That was so-- 158 00:06:12,832 --> 00:06:15,084 You should've seen your face! I totally had you. 159 00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:16,293 (nervous laughter) 160 00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:17,795 You've been had, lady. 161 00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,672 Anyway, you'll be great. 162 00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:22,383 Get me out of here! 163 00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:25,594 Wow, can you believe this day? 164 00:06:25,678 --> 00:06:28,139 -Maybe I'm a good luck charm? -I'm a good luck charm. 165 00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:31,100 Snowflakes are the rabbit's foot of the North Pole. 166 00:06:31,183 --> 00:06:33,894 Ooh, somebody's getting jelly of the new guy. 167 00:06:33,978 --> 00:06:36,605 Don't worry. I've got enough love for both of you. 168 00:06:36,689 --> 00:06:40,151 -(Jeremy giggles) -Okay, cancel my lunch with Cookie and Goldie. 169 00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:43,654 I need to clear my day, and prepare for this speech. 170 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:46,699 Now, let's start by checking out Brent's old tapes. 171 00:06:46,782 --> 00:06:49,326 I'm there every year, but I'm always behind the scenes. 172 00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:52,246 I'm never up close watching it. 173 00:06:52,788 --> 00:06:55,666 -(audience cheering) -(pony neighs) 174 00:06:58,544 --> 00:07:01,005 Members of the Board, Santa Claus, 175 00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:03,215 our beloved press, welcome. 176 00:07:03,632 --> 00:07:05,885 Only 360 days until Christmas Eve, 177 00:07:05,968 --> 00:07:09,013 and this one is going to be better than ever. 178 00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:13,058 Because at Santa Inc., the State of the Workshop is 179 00:07:13,142 --> 00:07:16,520 strong as a reindeer's petrified shit! 180 00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:19,565 So here's some early presents for all of you! 181 00:07:19,648 --> 00:07:21,984 Woo-hoo! 182 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,904 Yeah, that's for you. You deserve it. You deserve it. 183 00:07:24,987 --> 00:07:26,071 Open it up! 184 00:07:26,155 --> 00:07:28,282 Jesus, can I really do that? 185 00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:31,327 No, you need charisma for this. 186 00:07:31,410 --> 00:07:33,787 Like Brent and Santa and me. 187 00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:35,706 Ah! I'm panicking. Somebody get me 188 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:38,250 guacamole and chips, so I can stress eat. 189 00:07:38,334 --> 00:07:40,336 (phone ringing) 190 00:07:40,419 --> 00:07:41,670 Brent? 191 00:07:41,754 --> 00:07:43,422 How's Seattle? Hope it's not raining, 192 00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:45,132 but I'm sure it is, so get used to being 193 00:07:45,216 --> 00:07:47,593 slightly wet all the time, damp sucka! 194 00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:50,095 You have a right to be mad at me. I'm sorry. 195 00:07:50,179 --> 00:07:51,931 (cries) Why'd you leave me? 196 00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:54,808 It was a last-minute thing. Okay? I know, I suck. 197 00:07:54,892 --> 00:07:57,603 Yeah, I'll have the Amazon Prime Rib, medium rare. 198 00:07:57,686 --> 00:07:58,562 Coming right up. 199 00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:00,272 Anyways, I wanna talk about you, 200 00:08:00,356 --> 00:08:01,398 Lady Ambition. 201 00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:02,691 I heard you put the Successor feelers 202 00:08:02,775 --> 00:08:03,984 out to Santa, and you're givin' 203 00:08:04,068 --> 00:08:06,487 the State of the Workshop speech tonight? 204 00:08:06,570 --> 00:08:07,488 How did you know? 205 00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:08,948 Oh, is Alexa some kind of like 206 00:08:09,031 --> 00:08:10,991 illegal surveillance device? 207 00:08:12,076 --> 00:08:14,411 Hey, this speech is major exposure. 208 00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:15,746 Have you watched my old tapes? 209 00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:18,582 Just did and your razzle-dazzle is insane. 210 00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:21,001 I just... I don't have that in me. 211 00:08:21,085 --> 00:08:23,712 Oh, fuck off, Candace. I've seen your karaoke moves. 212 00:08:23,796 --> 00:08:25,297 Prime rib at prime speed. 213 00:08:25,381 --> 00:08:27,466 The dips, the meaningful eye contact. 214 00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:30,302 Yeah, I guess my mic skills have been called magical 215 00:08:30,386 --> 00:08:32,304 by many of all backgrounds. 216 00:08:32,388 --> 00:08:35,933 Just believe in yourself the way I believe in you. 217 00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,185 Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it. 218 00:08:38,269 --> 00:08:39,937 (shouts): I believe in myself! 219 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:42,022 (laughs) Okay, this could work. 220 00:08:42,106 --> 00:08:44,775 And, maybe, I could add my own, uh, spin to the speech. 221 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,068 You know, butter up the Board with some 222 00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:48,946 -sexy new innovation talk-- -Ugh, God, no! 223 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:51,448 Just ride in on the mini pony, shoot glitter bombs, 224 00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:53,701 say, "Next Christmas will be the best ever," 225 00:08:53,784 --> 00:08:55,160 then smother them with swag. 226 00:08:55,244 --> 00:08:56,912 Here comes the airplane, sir. 227 00:08:56,996 --> 00:08:58,372 Gotta go. Love ya, kid. 228 00:08:59,331 --> 00:09:00,582 Shit, she looks calmer. 229 00:09:00,666 --> 00:09:02,209 A happy Candy means more work. 230 00:09:02,293 --> 00:09:03,794 That is correct, my friend! 231 00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:07,172 Now, fasten your seatbelts! It's gonna be a hell of a show! 232 00:09:07,256 --> 00:09:09,758 -Ha-cha-cha! -Yes. Ha-cha-cha! 233 00:09:09,842 --> 00:09:11,343 -Oi. -C'mon, everyone! 234 00:09:11,427 --> 00:09:12,678 Candy and Devin: Ha-cha-cha! 235 00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:14,680 Ha-cha-no. 236 00:09:15,848 --> 00:09:17,891 All right, Jeremy, play the mini pony one more time. 237 00:09:17,975 --> 00:09:19,977 Then you can finish filling the swag bags. 238 00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:21,312 No, no more! 239 00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:23,022 I did not write a college thesis 240 00:09:23,105 --> 00:09:25,065 on racism in the Bismarck Empire 241 00:09:25,149 --> 00:09:26,525 so I could play a mini pony. 242 00:09:26,608 --> 00:09:27,776 I'll be the pony. Of course, I'll be-- 243 00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:29,111 It's an honor to be the pony, 244 00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:30,654 and really just to be in this room. 245 00:09:30,738 --> 00:09:32,406 And I wanna hear more about Brent, too. 246 00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:35,576 His efficiency is the stuff of legends. 247 00:09:35,659 --> 00:09:37,453 I know. Every year when Brent was in charge, 248 00:09:37,536 --> 00:09:40,706 the sled went .6% faster than the year before. 249 00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:43,709 Guess who finally banged Donner last night? 250 00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:45,878 Not y'all! Holla! 251 00:09:45,961 --> 00:09:48,047 Goldie, I thought we canceled our lunch. 252 00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:51,800 Oh, hello there. I love me a lumber-jock in cargo shorts. 253 00:09:51,884 --> 00:09:53,886 What is your name, sweetie? 254 00:09:54,303 --> 00:09:56,305 The streets call me Devin... 255 00:09:56,847 --> 00:09:58,724 but you can call me Baby. 256 00:09:58,807 --> 00:10:01,226 Girl, look what I stole from under Donner's bed. 257 00:10:01,310 --> 00:10:02,853 Devin: Christmas Spirit bars? 258 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:05,773 Those are only for the reindeer A-Team. Very, very rare. 259 00:10:05,856 --> 00:10:08,400 I know. I had one this morning, and they're good as fuck. 260 00:10:08,484 --> 00:10:09,735 But I'm gonna sell the rest 261 00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,070 since my health insurance sucks. 262 00:10:11,153 --> 00:10:12,404 Oh shit! This is my song! 263 00:10:12,488 --> 00:10:15,240 -What song? -The beat of the Tejano music. 264 00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:17,951 (sings) Tejano-jano-jano music. 265 00:10:18,035 --> 00:10:21,163 -There's no music. -Come here, baby! 266 00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:22,748 (vocalizing) 267 00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:25,250 Okay, no stripping in my office, please. 268 00:10:25,334 --> 00:10:27,795 I need them cargo shorts all up on my body. 269 00:10:27,878 --> 00:10:30,089 Uh, I think you need some air, Goldie. 270 00:10:30,172 --> 00:10:32,216 I'll be five minutes, max. 271 00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:34,510 The A-Team reindeer get everything! 272 00:10:34,593 --> 00:10:37,262 Energy bars, a month-long January retreat! 273 00:10:37,346 --> 00:10:39,223 It's really fucked up! 274 00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:40,891 What is with these mood swings today? 275 00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,851 You were salsa dancing three minutes ago, 276 00:10:42,935 --> 00:10:44,728 and now you're in a rage spiral-- 277 00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:47,147 You destroyed my lunch, 278 00:10:47,231 --> 00:10:49,024 you token elf cunt! 279 00:10:49,108 --> 00:10:50,442 Uh, wow. 280 00:10:50,526 --> 00:10:52,611 Every word of that sentence is unacceptable 281 00:10:52,694 --> 00:10:53,987 in an evolved society. 282 00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:56,907 Yo' face is unacceptable in an evolved society. 283 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,784 Now I'll be late. He hates it when we're late! 284 00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:01,620 Apologize to my friend, you dick! 285 00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:03,414 Yes, I'm a dick with a massive dick. 286 00:11:03,497 --> 00:11:06,375 And you'll never get yo' pathetic B-Team paws on it. 287 00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:08,377 -(yells) -Whoa, not the nose! 288 00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:10,587 (yelling) 289 00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,423 Hey BFFs, aren't we having lunch? 290 00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:13,298 What's the hold up? 291 00:11:13,382 --> 00:11:14,383 Help me, Cookie! 292 00:11:14,466 --> 00:11:16,468 Goldie's fucking losing it! 293 00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:19,847 -Stop! -My nose is insured for a billion dollars, 294 00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:21,515 -you shit-eating whore. -Goldie: Nuh-uh! 295 00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,976 That motherfucka did not just slut shame me! 296 00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:25,185 Get back here! 297 00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:27,646 Candy: Goldie, let me down! 298 00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:29,648 I need to get Brent's sequined turtleneck 299 00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,191 tailored for my speech! 300 00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:35,487 -(intense music playing) -(horn honking) 301 00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:37,364 -Hey! -(tires screeching) 302 00:11:40,909 --> 00:11:43,412 -Ah! -Ahh! 303 00:11:47,416 --> 00:11:49,168 Whoa! 304 00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:51,920 Ahh! 305 00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:56,341 Whoa! Junior! Awesome! 306 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,678 Hey, watch it, you random bitch! 307 00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:03,098 ♪ ♪ 308 00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:06,977 Goldie: Where'd he go? 309 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,520 You guys saw him too, right? 310 00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,147 Is this real? 311 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:13,066 Goldie, honey, you're having a bit of an episode, 312 00:12:13,150 --> 00:12:16,320 but Cookie's going to help you through this, okay? 313 00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:18,280 Get your shit together! 314 00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:20,365 -Ow! -(grunting) 315 00:12:20,449 --> 00:12:22,618 It's so weird when you guys do this. 316 00:12:23,285 --> 00:12:28,373 -(grunting) -(yelling) 317 00:12:30,125 --> 00:12:31,627 Cookie: Jump into the tree! 318 00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:34,963 I know it seems counterintuitive, but do it! 319 00:12:35,839 --> 00:12:37,299 (grunting) 320 00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:41,720 (sighs) I really don't have time for this. 321 00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:42,888 (grunts) 322 00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:45,933 Whoa! 323 00:12:46,016 --> 00:12:47,267 Ahh! 324 00:12:48,644 --> 00:12:52,314 Ew, gross. The fancy chute was misleading. 325 00:12:54,483 --> 00:12:56,068 Eh, maybe they got a deal. Good for them. 326 00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:58,445 Ugh, there's not even cell service down here. 327 00:12:58,529 --> 00:13:00,739 Ugh, I'm committing career suicide! 328 00:13:00,822 --> 00:13:04,868 Don't be dramatic, or there'll be no room for me to be dramatic. 329 00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:06,828 It's my dominant character trait! 330 00:13:06,912 --> 00:13:10,415 You get bossy and screechy, and I get dramatic! 331 00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:12,084 That is a very fucked-up world view, 332 00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:13,585 but let's table that for now 333 00:13:13,669 --> 00:13:15,254 'cause we need to get out of here. 334 00:13:15,337 --> 00:13:18,090 ♪ ♪ 335 00:13:26,181 --> 00:13:28,475 -Dasher? -You'll go down in history? 336 00:13:28,559 --> 00:13:31,103 No, I'll go down in history! 337 00:13:31,186 --> 00:13:34,731 Like Jesus, motherfuckers! (laughs) 338 00:13:34,815 --> 00:13:37,234 (softly): The secret is low and slow. 339 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:40,320 -Blitzen? -That's how you make scrambled eggs, ooh. 340 00:13:40,404 --> 00:13:41,655 Low and slow. 341 00:13:41,738 --> 00:13:43,323 You have to keep stirrin' it, 342 00:13:43,407 --> 00:13:45,117 much like a risotto. 343 00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:46,952 What is going on here? 344 00:13:47,035 --> 00:13:48,787 The A-Team is supposed to be at their annual 345 00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:50,330 January retreat. 346 00:13:56,378 --> 00:13:58,046 The hell? God! 347 00:13:58,130 --> 00:13:59,423 Cookie, do you have a wet wipe? 348 00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:01,341 I should because I am constantly 349 00:14:01,425 --> 00:14:02,926 covered in vomit or red wine, 350 00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:04,261 but you know why I don't? 351 00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:05,804 Because I'm a horrible mother, 352 00:14:05,887 --> 00:14:07,639 -and a sloppy drunk. -Wait! Shh! 353 00:14:07,723 --> 00:14:11,768 Reindeer: ...one was too many, and 1,000 was never enough. 354 00:14:12,561 --> 00:14:14,896 I found that at the end of the rainbow 355 00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:17,274 was just a gutter filled with prostitutes. 356 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,943 Will you shut these babies up? I don't belong here. 357 00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:22,362 Is that you, or your nose talking? 358 00:14:22,446 --> 00:14:24,489 One and the same. I've always been different, 359 00:14:24,573 --> 00:14:26,450 but the good kind, a special different. 360 00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:29,494 It's in our differences where we find our commonalities. 361 00:14:29,578 --> 00:14:32,497 Your nose is to you what Prancer the Third's 362 00:14:32,581 --> 00:14:34,666 prolapsed anus is to him. 363 00:14:34,750 --> 00:14:39,338 I've learned that my anus is what makes me beautiful and unique. 364 00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:41,173 Oh my god, I think this is a rehab. 365 00:14:41,256 --> 00:14:42,883 Dr. Almonds: You carry a heavy burden, Junior. 366 00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:45,719 Trying to live up to your legendary father. 367 00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:49,765 Just let go and be you. 368 00:14:49,848 --> 00:14:53,060 (cries) Y-You're right. You're right. 369 00:14:53,143 --> 00:14:55,395 (cries) 370 00:14:55,479 --> 00:14:57,356 Every time I make my nose change color, 371 00:14:57,439 --> 00:14:59,900 it's just me cryin' out, "Look at me, Daddy! 372 00:14:59,983 --> 00:15:02,194 Love me, Daddy! Love me!" 373 00:15:02,277 --> 00:15:05,405 And the sad part is, that asshole resents me for it. 374 00:15:05,489 --> 00:15:08,867 He'd love me more if I had just been some no-nosed loser. 375 00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:11,870 I love you all. (cries) 376 00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:14,456 That's insane. I know every inch of Santa Inc., 377 00:15:14,539 --> 00:15:17,542 every inch of the North Pole. I've never heard of this place. 378 00:15:17,626 --> 00:15:19,920 -Checking in? -Ahh! 379 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,259 (sighs) That was stupid, ah! 380 00:15:26,343 --> 00:15:28,553 Should we have left the office without Candy? 381 00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:30,305 Bad intern! Bad intern! 382 00:15:30,389 --> 00:15:32,849 I don't know. I left her multiple messages. 383 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,395 Well, one. Somewhere between one and none. 384 00:15:36,478 --> 00:15:40,732 -Now start unloading the swag. -Holy shit! It's the Board! 385 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:43,402 Cardinal Stryker, Mayor Foster, 386 00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:46,238 Frederick Arthur, the CEO of North Pole Enterprises! 387 00:15:46,321 --> 00:15:48,907 They're the real power. Santa may run the company, 388 00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:52,411 but they get the final word over every major decision. 389 00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:54,454 Press: Santa! Santa, over here! 390 00:15:54,538 --> 00:15:56,790 Wow, Mrs. Claus. 391 00:15:56,873 --> 00:15:59,501 She's even sexier than on my advent calendar. 392 00:15:59,584 --> 00:16:04,089 Stop drooling. We need to get ready for Candy. Where is she anyway? 393 00:16:04,172 --> 00:16:06,842 -(banging) -Candy (shouts): Let me out! 394 00:16:06,925 --> 00:16:08,719 I have a speech to give! 395 00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:13,265 Do you know who I am?! I am a very high-level executive at Santa Inc.! 396 00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:15,684 I know that's all true, but in this context, 397 00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:17,769 you just sound delusional. 398 00:16:17,853 --> 00:16:19,020 Here you are. 399 00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:20,814 I've been expecting you now that you're in charge 400 00:16:20,897 --> 00:16:22,357 of day-to-day operations. 401 00:16:22,441 --> 00:16:24,192 Tell me, where you surprised when you discovered 402 00:16:24,276 --> 00:16:26,570 the Christmas Spirit bars were actually meth? 403 00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,530 -I know I was. -Crystal meth?! 404 00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:29,781 I'm on crystal meth?! 405 00:16:29,865 --> 00:16:31,658 Oh, so you didn't know. 406 00:16:31,742 --> 00:16:33,493 Whoopsie. 407 00:16:33,577 --> 00:16:35,829 Frederick Arthur: Where's this girl of yours, Nick? 408 00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,622 She better be worth the wait. 409 00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:40,167 Candy's the greatest, but you know women, 410 00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:41,543 fashionably late. 411 00:16:41,626 --> 00:16:43,920 Did I ever tell you guys about Sting's chimney? 412 00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:47,048 A hollowed-out elephant tusk. Very smooth ride. 413 00:16:47,132 --> 00:16:48,800 They never should've outlawed ivory. 414 00:16:48,884 --> 00:16:51,928 (whispers): Yo, Jingle Jim! Where the fuck is Candy? 415 00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:53,638 Find her, you fucking dick. 416 00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:55,140 Well, the A-Team eats the bars 417 00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:57,559 for maximum speed on Christmas Eve. 418 00:16:57,642 --> 00:17:00,270 Then, every January, they come here to sober up. 419 00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,522 Brent's been doin' this for over a decade. 420 00:17:02,606 --> 00:17:03,815 There's no way that's true. 421 00:17:03,899 --> 00:17:06,443 Brent makes me matzo ball soup when I'm sick. 422 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,904 The man is a mensch, he's not a drug dealer! 423 00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:10,405 Think about it. How do you think 424 00:17:10,489 --> 00:17:12,491 Brent was able to beat delivery time records 425 00:17:12,574 --> 00:17:13,700 year after year. 426 00:17:13,784 --> 00:17:15,952 Whose job depended on efficiency? 427 00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:18,663 Who got all of the accolades, and bonuses? 428 00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:20,707 Private island-sized bonuses. 429 00:17:20,791 --> 00:17:24,044 Brent told me he bought that island with family money. 430 00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:27,339 Shit, my Brent is... evil? 431 00:17:27,422 --> 00:17:29,883 I guess it all makes sense if I think about it. 432 00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:32,803 He did a Men of Efficiency Calendar for god sakes, 433 00:17:32,886 --> 00:17:34,095 and every month was him. 434 00:17:34,179 --> 00:17:36,598 Forget Brent. Focus on your own goals and mine. 435 00:17:36,681 --> 00:17:38,350 Make your speech, become a Successor, 436 00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:40,227 get me off that bench, and then-- 437 00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:43,897 She's right. I need to get to the State of the Workshop. 438 00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:46,608 I'll take care of Goldie. Just go. 439 00:17:46,691 --> 00:17:49,027 (upbeat music playing) 440 00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:52,948 Oh, shit! Am I fucked? 441 00:17:53,031 --> 00:17:54,366 You're just a few minutes behind, 442 00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:57,160 but before you go on, I have something I wanna say. 443 00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:58,537 You'll be great up there 444 00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,580 because you're great at your job, 445 00:18:00,664 --> 00:18:02,499 and a good person. 446 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:05,001 The way you had my back at the toy factory? 447 00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:06,461 No one's ever done that for me. 448 00:18:06,545 --> 00:18:10,215 Not my Mom, Dad, siblings, or dentist, who's also my uncle. 449 00:18:10,298 --> 00:18:13,343 Thank you, Candy, for believing in me. 450 00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:19,975 Brent: Candy, it's Brent. I believe in you. 451 00:18:20,058 --> 00:18:23,019 But I also believe in the power of meth. 452 00:18:23,353 --> 00:18:25,230 Candy! Finally! 453 00:18:25,313 --> 00:18:26,481 Pony is ready. 454 00:18:26,565 --> 00:18:27,566 Now after the glitter bombs, 455 00:18:27,649 --> 00:18:29,609 Devin and I will wheel out the swag-- 456 00:18:29,693 --> 00:18:30,777 The plan's changed. 457 00:18:30,861 --> 00:18:32,487 I don't need to throw glitter bombs, 458 00:18:32,571 --> 00:18:34,948 or ride in on some dumb mini pony. 459 00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:37,659 I happen to have a PhD, Madam! 460 00:18:37,742 --> 00:18:40,620 -But Brent always-- -Brent was Brent, and I am me. 461 00:18:40,704 --> 00:18:41,997 Donate all the swag bags to 462 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,124 the Home for Retired Elf Coal Miners. 463 00:18:44,207 --> 00:18:46,334 I need to do this my way. 464 00:18:47,127 --> 00:18:49,421 -(audience cheering) -Woo! 465 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:57,095 Everyone! Welcome to our esteemed Board Members of Santa Inc., 466 00:18:57,178 --> 00:19:00,807 to Santa Claus, members of the press, and special guests, 467 00:19:00,891 --> 00:19:04,561 and a spy from President's Day! Security, please remove him. 468 00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:07,439 I am Candy Smalls, and this is the annual 469 00:19:07,522 --> 00:19:09,441 State of the Workshop. 470 00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:16,448 Now I wanted a chance to talk about the future of Santa Inc., 471 00:19:16,531 --> 00:19:18,617 and the changes that need to be made. 472 00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:21,119 It was Santa Claus the Fifth who wrote, 473 00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:24,122 "Do one thing every day that scares you." 474 00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:26,750 I couldn't agree more because change is hard, 475 00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:29,961 but we can do it in an honest and efficient way... 476 00:19:30,045 --> 00:19:33,131 Our reindeer are strong and capable. 477 00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:35,467 With the help of auto-reindeer on the sleigh, 478 00:19:35,550 --> 00:19:39,095 and the use of B-Team alternates to prevent burnout, 479 00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:42,974 I am confident we can achieve record times every year. 480 00:19:43,058 --> 00:19:47,270 One day, one day, one day-- 481 00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:49,814 (softly): Uh, fuck. 482 00:19:49,898 --> 00:19:51,274 Excuse me one minute. 483 00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:52,651 What the fuck? 484 00:19:52,734 --> 00:19:54,235 Fuck me! The Board is bored. 485 00:19:54,319 --> 00:19:55,487 This is a nightmare. 486 00:19:55,570 --> 00:19:58,823 We need to perk them up and fast, but how? 487 00:19:58,907 --> 00:19:59,699 (gasps) 488 00:20:00,116 --> 00:20:01,201 Hey, let's give everyone 489 00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:03,161 a little piece of the Christmas Spirit bars, 490 00:20:03,244 --> 00:20:04,663 just a tiny piece. 491 00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:06,831 Yeah, it'll perk them up because... 492 00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:09,376 I-- because it's, it's sugar! 493 00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:11,044 All right, good talk. 494 00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:14,714 Okay, some more ideas to achieve maximum efficiency. 495 00:20:14,798 --> 00:20:17,592 Dismantle the naughty versus nice system. 496 00:20:17,676 --> 00:20:22,055 Coal is heavy, and makes the sleigh go .7% slower. 497 00:20:22,138 --> 00:20:25,600 One of the many benefits... from the coal mine shutdown 498 00:20:25,684 --> 00:20:28,770 can be used on a more comprehensive health insurance 499 00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:30,855 which will create happier workers, 500 00:20:30,939 --> 00:20:34,234 and we all know happier workers are faster workers. 501 00:20:34,317 --> 00:20:37,237 Healthy efficiency, people. It's possible. 502 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:40,073 Just give us our free shit already, toots! 503 00:20:40,156 --> 00:20:41,908 Me likey swag! 504 00:20:41,992 --> 00:20:43,243 Oh, no swag bags this year. 505 00:20:43,326 --> 00:20:45,161 They're too crass and materialistic. 506 00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:47,956 (shouts): So is Christmas, you asshole! 507 00:20:48,039 --> 00:20:49,207 Boring! 508 00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:50,709 Board Member: Shut your lady face! 509 00:20:50,792 --> 00:20:53,003 Jeremy: Everyone, look up here! 510 00:20:53,086 --> 00:20:54,212 She needs a diversion. 511 00:20:54,295 --> 00:20:56,047 Jeremy to the rescue! 512 00:20:56,131 --> 00:20:57,716 Float, float, float. 513 00:20:58,508 --> 00:21:00,218 Somebody has a gun! 514 00:21:00,302 --> 00:21:02,887 (all shouting) 515 00:21:04,097 --> 00:21:05,557 That did not go as planned. 516 00:21:07,559 --> 00:21:09,144 (car alarm blaring) 517 00:21:09,227 --> 00:21:11,646 -Ah! -(commotion) 518 00:21:11,730 --> 00:21:13,523 (neighing) 519 00:21:16,276 --> 00:21:18,194 Jesus! This is a fucking coup! 520 00:21:18,278 --> 00:21:19,904 Why didn't you just follow Brent's playbook? 521 00:21:19,988 --> 00:21:21,448 Seriously? Seriously? 522 00:21:21,531 --> 00:21:25,535 This was your shot to impress the Board, and you fuckin' blew it. 523 00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:28,204 I am not Brent, and if you want to know the truth Santa, 524 00:21:28,288 --> 00:21:32,083 Brent wasn't... Brent... Brent wasn't-- 525 00:21:32,167 --> 00:21:34,461 He wasn't what?! Speak! 526 00:21:34,544 --> 00:21:38,506 -Honestly, you bored the fuck out of everyone. -Ahh! 527 00:21:38,590 --> 00:21:41,384 I thought you had the entertainer bug in you. It doesn't matter. 528 00:21:41,468 --> 00:21:43,803 It's so key to being a Successor, and you don't have it. 529 00:21:43,887 --> 00:21:45,764 Ugh, well then maybe you should witness 530 00:21:45,847 --> 00:21:48,099 my karaoke skills, bitch! 531 00:21:48,183 --> 00:21:49,601 I'm sorry. I just think there needs to be 532 00:21:49,684 --> 00:21:51,603 some changes around here. Like now. 533 00:21:51,686 --> 00:21:53,271 Don't talk to me about change. 534 00:21:53,354 --> 00:21:56,983 I chose the first Black Successor. Capital "B." 535 00:21:57,067 --> 00:21:59,694 Now that was some change you can fuckin' believe in. 536 00:21:59,778 --> 00:22:00,779 Well done, Candy. 537 00:22:00,862 --> 00:22:02,280 I always thought Brent's addresses 538 00:22:02,363 --> 00:22:04,449 were more like trips to the circus. 539 00:22:04,532 --> 00:22:07,160 While yours was like a Holocaust documentary. 540 00:22:07,243 --> 00:22:09,829 You had my heart and my head. 541 00:22:09,913 --> 00:22:11,372 That was exactly what I was going for. 542 00:22:11,456 --> 00:22:13,333 I feel like you get me, like if you wanted to get-- 543 00:22:13,416 --> 00:22:14,626 I would love to get coffee with you, 544 00:22:14,709 --> 00:22:15,835 or just pick your brain. 545 00:22:15,919 --> 00:22:17,587 (blows raspberry) All right, that's it. 546 00:22:17,670 --> 00:22:18,630 Let's go. 547 00:22:18,713 --> 00:22:20,799 Jingle Jim: I'm gonna melt ya down, 548 00:22:20,882 --> 00:22:25,345 drink ya like a shot of vodka, and piss you into the gutter! 549 00:22:27,097 --> 00:22:28,223 Cookie: There you are. 550 00:22:28,598 --> 00:22:31,142 Ugh, I fucking blew it, Cookie. 551 00:22:31,226 --> 00:22:33,561 -Now what am I gonna do? -Cookie: The obvious. 552 00:22:33,645 --> 00:22:37,357 Get black-out drunk, and show the world what you're really made of. 553 00:22:39,651 --> 00:22:43,071 Candy: ♪ Every storm runs out of rain ♪ 554 00:22:43,154 --> 00:22:47,325 ♪ Just like every life is not all pain ♪ 555 00:22:47,408 --> 00:22:51,329 ♪ So try to burn me with deceit and lies ♪ 556 00:22:51,412 --> 00:22:56,167 ♪ Because in the end, like a phoenix ♪ 557 00:22:56,251 --> 00:22:59,170 ♪ I'll rise ♪ 558 00:22:59,254 --> 00:23:02,340 (cheers and applause) 559 00:23:04,717 --> 00:23:07,345 ♪ ♪ 560 00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:23,027 ♪ Every storm runs out of rain ♪ 561 00:23:23,111 --> 00:23:28,158 ♪ Just like every life is not all pain ♪ 562 00:23:28,241 --> 00:23:33,413 ♪ So try to burn me with deceit and lies ♪ 563 00:23:33,496 --> 00:23:35,790 ♪ 'Cause in the end ♪ 564 00:23:35,874 --> 00:23:39,836 ♪ Like a phoenix ♪ 565 00:23:39,919 --> 00:23:44,340 ♪ I'll rise ♪ 566 00:23:50,847 --> 00:23:53,057 ♪ In the end ♪ 567 00:23:53,141 --> 00:23:56,895 ♪ Like a phoenix ♪ 568 00:23:56,978 --> 00:24:01,733 ♪ I'll rise ♪