1 00:00:04,797 --> 00:00:07,258 (bells jingling) 2 00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:11,137 (children laughing) 3 00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:14,265 (joyful music playing) 4 00:00:19,187 --> 00:00:22,273 ♪ ♪ 5 00:00:30,823 --> 00:00:31,783 (car horn) 6 00:00:32,867 --> 00:00:35,286 ♪ ♪ 7 00:00:41,751 --> 00:00:43,085 All right, good job, guys. 8 00:00:43,169 --> 00:00:45,463 Make sure those are stacked in order of continents. 9 00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,131 And keep the puppies away from the kittens, 10 00:00:47,215 --> 00:00:48,800 and the kittens away from the goldfish. 11 00:00:48,883 --> 00:00:52,136 And make sure the reptiles-- Sweet American Jesus! 12 00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:53,763 This lizard is dead! 13 00:00:53,846 --> 00:00:56,599 Come on, guys! It's Christmas fuckin' Eve! 14 00:00:56,682 --> 00:00:58,893 There's no time for amateur hour here. 15 00:00:58,976 --> 00:01:03,064 Now, get another one before Tiffany Chang from Tallahassee 16 00:01:03,147 --> 00:01:05,233 loses her shit. 17 00:01:05,316 --> 00:01:06,901 Halloween? Bullshit. 18 00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:09,028 Easter? Fuck that stupid bunny. 19 00:01:09,111 --> 00:01:12,073 May Day? What the fuck is May Day? 20 00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:15,701 This is The Big One. The X-Games, X-Caliber, 21 00:01:15,785 --> 00:01:17,829 it's X-Mas, baby, and that X 22 00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:20,998 is for X-tra X-traordinary! 23 00:01:21,082 --> 00:01:22,625 Santa chose me as his successor 24 00:01:22,708 --> 00:01:24,126 because I know how to run this place, 25 00:01:24,210 --> 00:01:25,628 and get the best outta you guys. 26 00:01:25,711 --> 00:01:27,505 And I think you guys are the best. 27 00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:30,132 You come from a long line of distinguished reindeer 28 00:01:30,216 --> 00:01:34,595 who have performed valiantly on Christmas Eve for hundreds of years. 29 00:01:34,679 --> 00:01:38,850 Dasher... Comet... Blitzen... 30 00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:42,687 And Junior, the son of the greatest of them all. Fashionably late. 31 00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:46,440 Let me just get right up front here in the driver's seat. 32 00:01:46,524 --> 00:01:49,151 Who's ready to smell Junior's ass tonight? 33 00:01:49,235 --> 00:01:52,071 Ha, ha, ha, ha! 34 00:01:52,154 --> 00:01:54,198 Now let's get those fucking kids their presents 35 00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:55,867 in record time this year. 36 00:01:55,950 --> 00:01:57,076 (cheering) 37 00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:01,330 The Lady Candy, my second-in-command. 38 00:02:01,414 --> 00:02:02,665 I'd be nothing without you. 39 00:02:02,748 --> 00:02:04,667 You are a fucking rock star! 40 00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:08,170 After tonight, I insist that you go to a hotel room and trash it. 41 00:02:08,254 --> 00:02:11,382 I will do it! I will drug groupies! 42 00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,009 I will shit on the bed! 43 00:02:13,092 --> 00:02:14,385 I will fuck a baby shark, 44 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:15,761 and bite its head off. 45 00:02:15,845 --> 00:02:17,513 Ha, ha! Woo! 46 00:02:17,597 --> 00:02:18,806 Okay, take it down a notch. 47 00:02:18,890 --> 00:02:19,849 (sirens wailing) 48 00:02:21,851 --> 00:02:22,768 (all gasp) 49 00:02:26,147 --> 00:02:29,066 May I present the Sultan of the Sleigh Ride, 50 00:02:29,150 --> 00:02:31,319 The Thunda from the Tundra, 51 00:02:31,402 --> 00:02:34,572 the hardest-working man in "snow" biz. 52 00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:37,074 -(chanting "Santa") -Good golly, he's jolly! 53 00:02:37,158 --> 00:02:43,247 Our own Santa Claus...! 54 00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:45,541 Hey! Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad. 55 00:02:45,625 --> 00:02:47,293 Hey, good to see you. How are you? 56 00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:49,128 Whoa, you're on my naughty list. 57 00:02:49,211 --> 00:02:52,548 Good news, sir, only 8% of kids under 10 don't believe in you. 58 00:02:52,632 --> 00:02:54,717 That's down from 12% last year. 59 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:55,635 Wow! 60 00:02:55,718 --> 00:02:57,053 More American kids believe in you 61 00:02:57,136 --> 00:02:59,847 than they do in vaccines or the Holocaust. 62 00:02:59,931 --> 00:03:00,932 That's great! 63 00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:02,600 I mean, disheartening for America, 64 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,936 but great for us. 65 00:03:05,019 --> 00:03:07,980 Announcer: Sleigh launch commencing in T-minus 10... 66 00:03:08,064 --> 00:03:10,566 -Merry Christmas! -(countdown continues) 67 00:03:10,650 --> 00:03:15,029 And to all a kick-ass night! 68 00:03:15,112 --> 00:03:16,948 Peace! 69 00:03:17,031 --> 00:03:19,784 Announcer: ...one, zero. 70 00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:23,746 We are a go. Repeat, Christmas is a go. 71 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,792 Weather's rough all over tonight, kids. 72 00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:29,293 Veer left towards Manhattan. 73 00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:31,796 Winds are coming in at a gentle 15 miles per hour 74 00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,798 above the Empire State Building so-- 75 00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:34,882 It's happening! 76 00:03:34,966 --> 00:03:36,550 The anti-Christmas pigeons are out. 77 00:03:36,634 --> 00:03:39,971 They've already shit on the Rockefeller Center tree. 78 00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:41,347 Candy: Those fucking assholes. 79 00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:43,516 It's like they save up a year's worth of shit 80 00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:45,267 for this one day. 81 00:03:46,268 --> 00:03:48,062 Send in the fighter jets! 82 00:03:50,815 --> 00:03:52,984 Bread drop over Central Park Sheep's Meadow. 83 00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,152 Let's make it rain carbs, kids. 84 00:03:57,071 --> 00:03:59,031 (pigeons cooing) 85 00:03:59,115 --> 00:04:00,825 How many sleeping pills we got in the bread? 86 00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:02,994 -Upwards of a thousand, ma'am. -Great. 87 00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:06,872 These turtle doves will be down for all 12 days of Christmas. 88 00:04:06,956 --> 00:04:08,332 (cheers and applause) 89 00:04:09,792 --> 00:04:12,753 -Stop, stop. It was nothing. -(cheering stops) 90 00:04:12,837 --> 00:04:15,506 No, hey, I'm lying. It was very much my idea. 91 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,133 I killed it. Keep clapping. 92 00:04:17,216 --> 00:04:19,260 (cheers and applause) 93 00:04:22,138 --> 00:04:24,265 (joyful music playing) 94 00:04:29,020 --> 00:04:31,022 Good morning, emotional vampires. 95 00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:33,315 My day's gonna be insane. 96 00:04:33,399 --> 00:04:35,609 (muffled) Brent and I have to go through all the thank you notes, 97 00:04:35,693 --> 00:04:39,030 -the hate mail-- -My day's gonna be pretty intense, too, actually. 98 00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:40,531 Probably somethin' we should pay attention to. 99 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,867 Oh, really? Oh, what's going on with you today, Tony? 100 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:46,454 You have to cut your toenails? Is it that time of year again? 101 00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:48,372 (laughing) 102 00:04:48,456 --> 00:04:51,042 I'm laying down tracks on a new Christmas song. 103 00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:53,336 Did you ever play my last one for Santa? 104 00:04:53,419 --> 00:04:55,046 That crap? No chance. 105 00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:56,630 Candy, don't be mean to your brother. 106 00:04:56,714 --> 00:04:59,008 His father died when he was a very young child. 107 00:04:59,091 --> 00:05:02,303 Yeah, I know. He was actually my father, too. 108 00:05:02,386 --> 00:05:06,057 Oh, wow. Someone's dead-dad-greedy. 109 00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:09,602 Speakin' of, I dedicate this sick shit to my dead pops. 110 00:05:09,685 --> 00:05:12,021 May the stale gumdrop that fell on him 111 00:05:12,104 --> 00:05:14,565 and crushed his head burn in hell. 112 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:17,693 ♪ Santa Claus he likes it raw ♪ 113 00:05:17,777 --> 00:05:19,653 ♪ But his wife ain't no ho ♪ 114 00:05:19,737 --> 00:05:21,864 ♪ She don't suck on dat north pole ♪ 115 00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:22,698 Hey! 116 00:05:22,782 --> 00:05:24,408 I was catfishin' an eight! 117 00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:28,454 I'm gonna finish that abortion Mom tried to have 35 years ago! 118 00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:31,207 -Ahh! -(grunting) 119 00:05:31,290 --> 00:05:34,293 Help! My son's being attacked! 120 00:05:34,377 --> 00:05:35,336 Somebody help us! 121 00:05:35,419 --> 00:05:36,712 -(punching) -(grunting) 122 00:05:36,796 --> 00:05:38,881 Candy: Crash somewhere else, grifters. 123 00:05:40,758 --> 00:05:42,426 Thank you notes are coming in. 124 00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:44,011 Kids love their presents. 125 00:05:44,095 --> 00:05:45,596 Another Christmas gone perfectly. 126 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:48,474 Woo! Woo! This is why I brag to everyone 127 00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:50,226 that we're BFFs. 128 00:05:50,309 --> 00:05:52,853 -(dings) -Back off! No high-fives from anyone but me! 129 00:05:52,937 --> 00:05:54,814 -Grr. -Candy, I don't know how you deal with 130 00:05:54,897 --> 00:05:56,148 all these clingy, needy types. 131 00:05:56,232 --> 00:05:57,566 I really don't. 132 00:05:58,526 --> 00:06:00,111 Hey, hey. What's goin' on? 133 00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:01,278 I'm so frustrated. 134 00:06:01,362 --> 00:06:02,446 None of us B-Team Women 135 00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:03,781 got called up to the sleigh. 136 00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:04,740 Again. 137 00:06:04,824 --> 00:06:06,534 We train hard every day of the year 138 00:06:06,617 --> 00:06:09,620 just to sit on the fucking bench every Christmas Eve. 139 00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,789 It doesn't mean you're not as vital to the system 140 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,791 as any one of those dudes. 141 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:14,959 (sighs) I guess. 142 00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,085 And if you want, honestly, 143 00:06:16,168 --> 00:06:17,753 I will slit Junior's throat next year 144 00:06:17,837 --> 00:06:18,838 so you can lead the team. 145 00:06:18,921 --> 00:06:20,881 I swear to God, just give me the word, 146 00:06:20,965 --> 00:06:22,424 -and I will cut him. -(Goldie laughs) 147 00:06:22,508 --> 00:06:23,968 On the positive side, 148 00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:25,678 your body is sick! 149 00:06:25,761 --> 00:06:26,554 You right. 150 00:06:26,637 --> 00:06:27,721 All this training does make me 151 00:06:27,805 --> 00:06:29,265 a monster in the sack. 152 00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:31,851 I had a three-way with Prancer and his girlfriend last night, 153 00:06:31,934 --> 00:06:35,020 (sing-song): and no one was complaining. 154 00:06:35,104 --> 00:06:36,480 Oh my god. Your life is amazing. 155 00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:37,857 -Hot deets! -Well, we did it 156 00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:39,233 reindeer style, doggy style, 157 00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:42,027 koala style-- the girlfriend is Australian. 158 00:06:42,111 --> 00:06:44,280 And it's a good thing Prancer's not Santa 159 00:06:44,363 --> 00:06:46,907 because his dick was as thick as a chimney. 160 00:06:46,991 --> 00:06:50,244 Ooh, yeah, gimme some more of that vicarious shit. 161 00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:51,662 Eh, I'm late for weight training, 162 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,165 -but thanks for cheerin' me up, guys. -See ya. 163 00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:55,958 So, I had this insane dream last night 164 00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:58,335 that I was actually wearing Santa's suit-- 165 00:06:58,419 --> 00:07:01,005 Oh, a dream? Must be nice. 166 00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:02,673 I don't have dreams anymore 167 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:04,216 because I don't ever sleep 168 00:07:04,300 --> 00:07:05,467 because for some reason, 169 00:07:05,551 --> 00:07:07,595 I wanted to be a wife and mother. 170 00:07:07,678 --> 00:07:08,762 Oh, I'm sorry, Fun Size. 171 00:07:08,846 --> 00:07:11,015 You know I love you, baby, right? 172 00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:12,474 Right? Answer me! 173 00:07:12,558 --> 00:07:14,310 Why isn't he answering?! Is he dead?! 174 00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:18,063 Uh, I don't know. He's blue and not breathing, so maybe. 175 00:07:18,147 --> 00:07:20,357 Call 911! Help my baby! 176 00:07:20,441 --> 00:07:21,692 I'm just fucking with you. 177 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,235 He's asleep, you psycho. 178 00:07:23,319 --> 00:07:24,486 Oh, okay, good. 179 00:07:24,570 --> 00:07:26,697 Being a mom is so hard. 180 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:29,617 Take my advice, Candy. Never have kids. 181 00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:30,784 Wasn't planning on it. 182 00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:32,453 Oh, really? That makes me sad. 183 00:07:32,536 --> 00:07:34,079 You'd be such a good mom. 184 00:07:34,163 --> 00:07:35,456 Promise me you'll think about it. 185 00:07:35,539 --> 00:07:37,833 Okay, gotta drop this fucker off at daycare. 186 00:07:37,917 --> 00:07:39,460 Byeee! 187 00:07:39,543 --> 00:07:41,879 (phone ringing) 188 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:45,466 ♪ ♪ 189 00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:49,720 -Morning, Jeremy. Brent in yet? -Shush! 190 00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,931 Retweeting a retweet from an influencer 191 00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:55,059 regarding helping our world. 192 00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:56,393 All done. Brent's not in. 193 00:07:56,477 --> 00:07:57,895 Grab me a coffee? Thank you. 194 00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,397 Come on, man. You're the assistant. 195 00:08:00,481 --> 00:08:02,983 Grab me a coffee. Get me a scone, too. 196 00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:05,819 Unless they're all maple because gross. Fuck maple. 197 00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:07,404 -This is harassment. -(alarm sounds) 198 00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:08,906 Jingle Jim: All employees, this is your 199 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:11,116 Chief of Staff, Jingle Jim. 200 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,368 Gather at the Campus Square 201 00:08:12,451 --> 00:08:14,286 for an announcement by Santa. 202 00:08:14,370 --> 00:08:15,913 This is not a drill. 203 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,081 I'm sure it's just a drill. 204 00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:19,541 Shut up and gather at the Square! 205 00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:23,629 What up? What up? 206 00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:25,589 Love you. Love you. 207 00:08:25,673 --> 00:08:27,049 Mad at you. Love you. 208 00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:29,551 Pumping her boobs in public? God. 209 00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:30,761 It's called a tit! 210 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,096 Your Mom has two of 'em. 211 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,472 Deal with it, bro. 212 00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:35,557 Could there be one nursing room in this place? 213 00:08:35,641 --> 00:08:36,767 I have to get up there. 214 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:37,601 How do I look? 215 00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:38,560 Goldie, come here. 216 00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:40,437 Go 'head, boo. I'm not gon' blink. 217 00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:43,107 God, I look old. I'm getting elf neck. 218 00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,943 No, you're not. You have perfect skin. 219 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:48,237 My body was wrecked by childbirth. 220 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:51,448 A gingerbread episiotomy is no joke, kids. 221 00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,995 Hey, why only two chairs? What about Brent? 222 00:08:56,078 --> 00:08:57,579 Make sure you tell Santa 223 00:08:57,663 --> 00:09:00,624 those other morons barely lifted a hoof this year. 224 00:09:00,708 --> 00:09:02,001 I'm the star quarterback taking a team 225 00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:03,460 of knuckleheads to the Super Bowl. 226 00:09:03,544 --> 00:09:05,421 And you know I'm the one who's actually drivin' 227 00:09:05,504 --> 00:09:06,588 that sleigh, right? 228 00:09:06,672 --> 00:09:08,591 I just let Santa think he's steerin'. 229 00:09:10,509 --> 00:09:11,885 Don't tell him that part. 230 00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:14,638 I know you hate me. 231 00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:16,473 What the fuck? You hate me. 232 00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:19,560 I guess I just don't understand what purpose you serve at Santa Inc. 233 00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:21,895 Are you a secretary who sits in on big meetings? 234 00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:23,480 A waitress who never has food? 235 00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:26,025 Junior, I am the number two Executive Vice President 236 00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:30,195 at Santa Inc. who only answers to Santa, Brent, and the Board. 237 00:09:30,279 --> 00:09:31,947 I can end that nose of yours. 238 00:09:32,031 --> 00:09:33,490 I'd like to see you try. 239 00:09:33,574 --> 00:09:35,576 A lotta powerful people need this nose to glow, 240 00:09:35,659 --> 00:09:37,036 so they can pay their mortgages 241 00:09:37,119 --> 00:09:38,704 and send their kids to private school. 242 00:09:38,787 --> 00:09:41,248 So, by all means, go ahead and try 243 00:09:41,332 --> 00:09:43,083 to stop this nose from glowin'. 244 00:09:43,167 --> 00:09:45,461 Goddammit, you're right. 245 00:09:45,544 --> 00:09:47,254 Beings of Santa Inc., 246 00:09:47,338 --> 00:09:50,382 It is I, your Chief of Staff, Jingle Jim. 247 00:09:50,466 --> 00:09:51,550 (chattering) 248 00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:53,635 Shut up, you worthless assholes! 249 00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:56,180 -(all gasping) -(coughs) 250 00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:59,391 I present Saint Nicholas XIX! 251 00:09:59,475 --> 00:10:00,768 (cheering) 252 00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:04,313 Thank you all for the very warm welcome. 253 00:10:04,396 --> 00:10:06,523 I just wanna tell you all that this year, we reached 254 00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:09,193 more kids than ever before. 255 00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:14,740 One billion six thousand-- No, wait, six, four, 16 billion? 256 00:10:14,823 --> 00:10:16,033 Holy-- That-- You know what? 257 00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,910 I'm not good with these big numbers. 258 00:10:17,993 --> 00:10:19,578 We got a lot of these little motherfuckers. 259 00:10:19,661 --> 00:10:23,290 (chanting "Santa") 260 00:10:23,374 --> 00:10:28,212 But, this Christmas Eve, something happened in Seattle, Washington, 261 00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:31,799 that left a lump of coal in my heart. 262 00:10:31,882 --> 00:10:33,759 (rock music plays) 263 00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:37,513 Brent? I'm Jeff Bezos. 264 00:10:37,596 --> 00:10:40,182 Oh my god, Jeff Bezos. I can't believe it's you. 265 00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:42,893 I would like for you to come work for me at Amazon. 266 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,895 Do I have to use an Amazon Fire Phone? 267 00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,021 -No. -I'm in. 268 00:10:46,105 --> 00:10:47,898 What?! This is insane! 269 00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,066 Brent's a traitor! 270 00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,984 Amazon Prime is slow and useless! 271 00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,569 Crowd Member: Suck a bag of dicks! 272 00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:54,613 (Board members muttering) 273 00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:58,492 I know this is shocking news, but please, please, 274 00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:00,244 let's just be happy for Brent. 275 00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:03,288 Let's wish him luck, even though he screwed us. 276 00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:06,291 Without so much as a warning. 277 00:11:06,375 --> 00:11:08,585 He fucked us dry, folks. I'm just gonna say it. 278 00:11:08,669 --> 00:11:11,797 The warning would've been lube, but he withheld that. 279 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:15,134 So, we are all chafed this morning. 280 00:11:15,217 --> 00:11:17,261 Super chafed, but... 281 00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:20,597 this rash will go away, just like Brent did. 282 00:11:20,681 --> 00:11:24,268 It won't spread from our nethers to cover our entire body. 283 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,603 We will recover 284 00:11:26,687 --> 00:11:30,816 from this un-lub-ri-cated 285 00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:33,026 fucking Brent gave us. 286 00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:35,279 Santa, I'm here from The North Pole Times. 287 00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,531 Since Brent was supposed to succeed you as Santa Claus, 288 00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:40,451 have you decided who will replace him and become your Successor? 289 00:11:40,534 --> 00:11:42,786 Subtext, Santa's old and knocking on death's door. 290 00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:45,247 Fuck you, Harold. Uh, I mean, uh, that-- 291 00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,291 Good, good question. I'll give it some serious thought. 292 00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,543 Ha ha. Ho ho ho. Bye. 293 00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:52,004 (cheering) 294 00:11:53,172 --> 00:11:55,632 Big Candy: I know who the next Santa is! 295 00:11:55,716 --> 00:12:00,345 Candy, tell him! It's my son, your brother! 296 00:12:00,429 --> 00:12:03,515 ♪ Santa Claus he likes it raw ♪ 297 00:12:03,599 --> 00:12:06,185 -(taser shoots) -(grunts in pain) 298 00:12:06,268 --> 00:12:08,145 ♪ Snowflake, snowflake ♪ 299 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,439 ♪ No two are alike ♪ 300 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,487 How could Brent just leave? 301 00:12:16,570 --> 00:12:17,905 He was my mentor. 302 00:12:17,988 --> 00:12:20,824 He taught me everything, everything I know. 303 00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:22,993 He made me love my job. 304 00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:24,828 He made me love him. 305 00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:26,955 And then he didn't even say goodbye. 306 00:12:27,039 --> 00:12:28,624 Aw, poor Candy. 307 00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:30,250 Poor sweet Candy. 308 00:12:30,334 --> 00:12:33,045 I'm here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on. 309 00:12:33,128 --> 00:12:34,796 Or a dick to cry on. 310 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:36,924 Obviously, that's offensive and you suck, 311 00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:40,052 but I'm just curious how you envision that working. 312 00:12:40,135 --> 00:12:42,888 Is it like, I cry and you use my tears 313 00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:45,724 as lubricant to masturbate to my sadness? 314 00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:47,726 Or is it like, I cry and my tears 315 00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:51,188 fall off my face onto your penis with a kind of like, 316 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,357 "thwap" sound that gives you a boner? 317 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,399 Ehhh. 318 00:12:54,483 --> 00:12:57,736 Candy Smalls. Down, but not out. 319 00:12:57,819 --> 00:13:00,030 So, who do you think is gonna be the new Santa? 320 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,032 50 bucks it's someone in the toy factory. 321 00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:05,035 Or one of those fuckin' jacked reindeers, am I right? 322 00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:07,329 Like Junior. He's so fuckin' hot. 323 00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:08,664 I mean, he's so jacked. 324 00:13:08,747 --> 00:13:10,582 You fellas know I meant jacked, right? 325 00:13:10,666 --> 00:13:13,877 Yeah, ha, ha, like what if the next Santa is a woman. 326 00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:16,213 That would be so weird, but like super cool! 327 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:19,216 -(both laughing) -A woman Santa? 328 00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:21,385 What if she thinks she's handin' out candy canes, 329 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:23,720 and they turn out to be some fuckin' tampons? 330 00:13:23,804 --> 00:13:25,764 What if her boobies get caught in the chimney? 331 00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:29,393 Or even worse: What if she falls in love with the sleigh? 332 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:32,271 (all laughing) 333 00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:39,278 (rustling) 334 00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:49,162 (ominous music plays) 335 00:13:49,246 --> 00:13:52,541 Oh, Grandpa. What're you doing out so late? 336 00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:55,127 Candy Cane Lane is the best place for anonymous 337 00:13:55,210 --> 00:13:57,170 sexual encounters. 338 00:13:57,254 --> 00:13:59,673 Can your heart even handle a gang bang at your age? 339 00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:01,425 You know what? Don't answer that. I don't wanna know. 340 00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:05,387 I won't apologize for being a vibrant sexual being. 341 00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:08,599 Nobody should ever have to apologize for their secret desires. 342 00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:11,935 It's funny you should say that because... 343 00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:15,856 well, well because I wanna be the next Santa. 344 00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:19,735 -Really? -Yeah, I've been dreaming about it my whole life, 345 00:14:19,818 --> 00:14:21,987 but, you know, Brent's always been Successor, 346 00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:25,616 so I never thought about it seriously until now. 347 00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:26,783 Is that nuts? 348 00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:29,119 There have been many Santa Clauses 349 00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,621 throughout history. 350 00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,331 Some were loved. 351 00:14:32,414 --> 00:14:34,166 Others loathed. 352 00:14:34,249 --> 00:14:36,251 Great and mediocre. 353 00:14:36,335 --> 00:14:40,922 Attractive and gross. 10's and 2's. 354 00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:43,925 Santa Claus XVII gave lavish presents 355 00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:45,552 to children in the Third Reich 356 00:14:45,636 --> 00:14:48,388 and escaped the North Pole for Argentina. 357 00:14:48,472 --> 00:14:52,601 The point is, Candy, Santa Inc. is a diverse place. 358 00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:55,228 Humans and magical creatures of all 359 00:14:55,312 --> 00:14:57,481 races and religions living together. 360 00:14:57,564 --> 00:15:01,318 But the position of Santa has mostly been a white man's game. 361 00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:03,320 There have been women prime ministers, 362 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:06,406 women presidents, even a woman mechanic, 363 00:15:06,490 --> 00:15:10,827 but there has never, ever been a woman Santa Claus, 364 00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:12,287 or a Jewish Santa Claus. 365 00:15:12,371 --> 00:15:14,456 Exactly! It's fucking crazy! 366 00:15:14,539 --> 00:15:15,999 Things have gotta change! 367 00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:17,376 Grandpa Smalls: My advice to you is, 368 00:15:17,459 --> 00:15:20,837 and this is important, so listen carefully-- 369 00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:22,756 -(gust of wind) -Whoa! 370 00:15:22,839 --> 00:15:26,134 (shouts): If I die, get rid of my porn! 371 00:15:26,218 --> 00:15:31,723 It's on a computer icon called, "Tax Stuff"! 372 00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:36,019 (TV playing) 373 00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:39,272 If you become Santa, would you put me on the Reindeer A-team? 374 00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:42,025 Hell yeah, I'd bump you straight up to varsity. 375 00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:43,735 Junior can take a year off. 376 00:15:43,819 --> 00:15:45,779 You could lead the sleigh, and let the other jerks 377 00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:48,323 get stuck smelling your asshole for once. 378 00:15:48,407 --> 00:15:50,617 -(baby cries) -Get the fucking baby, Craig! 379 00:15:50,701 --> 00:15:52,828 Don't yell at me in front of your friends. 380 00:15:52,911 --> 00:15:53,995 Then don't be a dumbass 381 00:15:54,079 --> 00:15:56,248 in front of my friends, dumbass. 382 00:15:57,708 --> 00:15:59,376 I thought things were better between you guys 383 00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:00,419 since the baby. 384 00:16:00,502 --> 00:16:01,795 What do you mean? They are. 385 00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:03,004 Now listen to me, bitch. 386 00:16:03,088 --> 00:16:04,923 If this is your dream, you have to at least try 387 00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:07,467 and talk to Santa, and make your case, bitch. 388 00:16:07,551 --> 00:16:10,679 Someone like me doesn't just walk up to Santa's house and be all, 389 00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,222 "Dude, we need to talk." 390 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:14,224 Well, go there, bitch. Right now. 391 00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:17,060 You gotta get intimate with that jolly bitch, bitch. 392 00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:18,270 Okay, I know you're right, 393 00:16:18,353 --> 00:16:19,896 but do you really have to call me "bitch" 394 00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,523 every time you say something? 395 00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:25,110 Yes, bitch. Because it's empowering to call you bitch, bitch. 396 00:16:25,193 --> 00:16:26,945 A man wouldn't mind being called a bitch. 397 00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:29,406 -Craig: She's right. -Who asked you, bitch? 398 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:31,575 Craig: She's wrong. That-- That does sting a bit. 399 00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:32,951 Look, you need to let Santa know 400 00:16:33,034 --> 00:16:35,412 you're not on his "Nice" list or his "Naughty" list. 401 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:37,873 You're on his "Bitch" list, bitch. 402 00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:39,666 Okay, fuck it. I'm doing this. 403 00:16:39,750 --> 00:16:42,294 I'm doing this. I'm going over there right now. 404 00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:43,420 This is so exciting! 405 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,881 It's stressing me out how exciting this is. 406 00:16:45,964 --> 00:16:47,674 -(crunches) -Dammit, I ate my arm. 407 00:16:47,758 --> 00:16:48,925 Wish me luck, bitches. 408 00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:50,969 -Woo! You go, Candy! -Yes, you got this, bitch! 409 00:16:51,052 --> 00:16:52,345 You're gonna do it! 410 00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:54,514 -(door opens, closes) -What if Candy gets to be Santa, 411 00:16:54,598 --> 00:16:55,640 then falls in love with the sleigh? 412 00:16:55,724 --> 00:16:58,101 Bitch, I was thinkin' the same thing. 413 00:16:58,185 --> 00:17:03,940 -(magical music playing) -(gates creaking open) 414 00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:15,494 -Ahh! -Oh god! I'm so sorry. 415 00:17:15,577 --> 00:17:18,080 Clumsy, stupid asshole! 416 00:17:18,163 --> 00:17:21,917 Okay, Jesus, I cannot take on this energy right now. 417 00:17:23,627 --> 00:17:26,338 ♪ Someone is at the door Someone is at the door ♪ 418 00:17:26,421 --> 00:17:29,591 ♪ Someone is at the door Someone is at the door ♪ 419 00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:34,471 ♪ Someone is at the door The door is ringing ♪ 420 00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:37,682 ♪ Answer the fucking door ♪ 421 00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:40,811 Candy! How nice to see you! 422 00:17:40,894 --> 00:17:43,230 Hi, Mrs. Claus, uh, I, I know it's late. 423 00:17:43,313 --> 00:17:44,815 Oh, I'm always up. 424 00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:46,441 (laughs) I have insomnia. 425 00:17:46,525 --> 00:17:50,237 I stay up all night making lists of what I need to do. 426 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:52,697 It rules my life, but who cares? 427 00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:55,200 You don't care! I barely care! 428 00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:56,660 Come on in. 429 00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:59,329 -(gobbling) -(Mrs. Claus gasps) 430 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,831 Nick, stop it! 431 00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:04,042 The doctor says you're one cupcake away from diabetes. 432 00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:05,502 Fine! Then get me some donuts! 433 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,504 We're all out. I don't care, I'm not picky. 434 00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:10,006 And can we not fight in front of my colleague? 435 00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:12,175 Candy, come in. Sit down. 436 00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:15,804 Invitation accepted... sir. 437 00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:24,396 Oh, I'm sorry. I'll leave you two to talk business. 438 00:18:24,479 --> 00:18:28,733 I have emails to read, and packages to wrap, and so on and so forth, 439 00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:31,027 and, and goodbye. 440 00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:32,362 What brings you here, Candy? 441 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,155 First, may I say, your home is lovely. 442 00:18:34,239 --> 00:18:36,575 It's, it's majestic, yet it's not ostentatious, 443 00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:38,869 which, I think, is a subtle balance to achieve, sir, and I-- 444 00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:42,080 Jesus fuckin' Christ, Candy, enough with the "sir." 445 00:18:42,163 --> 00:18:44,124 Loosen up. This isn't the principal's office. 446 00:18:44,207 --> 00:18:45,458 I've known you since you were a kid. 447 00:18:45,542 --> 00:18:47,544 Yeah, but it's not like we ever really talked. 448 00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:49,921 What're you talkin' about? We shoot the shit all the time. 449 00:18:50,005 --> 00:18:53,383 No. No, we've never shot even one tiny shit, sir. 450 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:56,177 I mean-- I met your husband. He's a huge sports nut, right? 451 00:18:56,261 --> 00:18:57,804 Why am I even askin'? I remember the guy. 452 00:18:57,888 --> 00:19:01,266 Blue skin, horse body, pink wings. He was hilarious. 453 00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:02,559 Not married, actually. 454 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:03,977 Don't even have a crush on anyone, 455 00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:06,062 but, uh, don't be embarrassed. It's fine. I-- 456 00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:08,940 You're a very busy man. You probably don't even know my last name. 457 00:19:09,024 --> 00:19:10,817 Ah, come on. Who gives a fuck? 458 00:19:10,901 --> 00:19:12,444 It's not like you know my real name. 459 00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:13,862 It's Llewelyn Fartini. 460 00:19:13,945 --> 00:19:16,114 Dammit, you do! Now that you mention it, 461 00:19:16,197 --> 00:19:19,242 Brent kinda was like the buffer between us. 462 00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,036 But, you know, now that I look back, 463 00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:24,581 Brent always acted like he was meant for bigger things than Santa Inc. 464 00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,583 One Halloween he came as Super Jesus. 465 00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,168 Like regular Jesus wasn't enough. 466 00:19:28,251 --> 00:19:30,587 No, Brent needed a cape and a pair of tights 467 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:33,340 to show off his biceps and his huge fuckin' dick. 468 00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:35,926 No one with a dick that big is happy in middle management. 469 00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:39,346 -That segues into what I'm here for, actually. -It does? 470 00:19:39,429 --> 00:19:41,681 Do you mind if I, uh, kinda give you the big picture? 471 00:19:41,765 --> 00:19:42,766 Please, tell me. 472 00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:45,352 When I was a kid, I had big dreams. 473 00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:47,687 You know, I, I didn't know that, as a girl, 474 00:19:47,771 --> 00:19:49,731 they didn't always come true. 475 00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:51,483 I figured if I worked hard enough, 476 00:19:51,566 --> 00:19:53,610 no one could deny me anything, so I did. 477 00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:56,821 I, I worked my ass off, and I proved myself. 478 00:19:56,905 --> 00:20:00,367 All right, not really a segue, more of a pivot, but I hear ya. 479 00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:03,119 I want my dreams to come true. 480 00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:05,622 I wanna be the next Successor, 481 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:10,335 and the first female Santa Claus in history! 482 00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:15,006 ♪ The first elf bitch Santa ♪ 483 00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:17,384 -Me! Candy-- -Smalls! 484 00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:18,677 Yes! Progress! 485 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:26,017 ♪ Candy wants it real, real baaaaad ♪ 486 00:20:27,936 --> 00:20:29,813 I'm the most progressive Santa in history. 487 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:31,147 I'm a real change agent. 488 00:20:31,231 --> 00:20:33,650 I'm an ally, which I can't label myself as, 489 00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,443 but I've been labeled that by others. 490 00:20:35,527 --> 00:20:37,320 And Brent, the first Black Successor, 491 00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:39,197 was a huge part of my legacy. 492 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:42,450 But maybe... it's time to make history 493 00:20:42,534 --> 00:20:44,035 ...again. 494 00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:45,954 I need to think about it, but, 495 00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:47,414 this could be really fucking awesome. 496 00:20:47,497 --> 00:20:49,082 Okay, very cool. 497 00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:50,875 (cheers and laughter) 498 00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:54,587 Oh, man. Let's see what those bozos are up to now. Ha! 499 00:20:57,424 --> 00:20:59,509 (indistinct chatter) 500 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:00,552 What is this? 501 00:21:00,635 --> 00:21:02,178 It's my annual Boxing Day party. 502 00:21:02,262 --> 00:21:03,972 Oh, I, I never knew about it. 503 00:21:04,055 --> 00:21:06,266 We bros shave our beards every year. 504 00:21:06,349 --> 00:21:07,976 It's a major tradition. 505 00:21:08,059 --> 00:21:09,894 I'm gonna win again this year. 506 00:21:09,978 --> 00:21:12,188 The hair that weighs the most gets a prize. 507 00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:14,107 Let's get shaving! Yeaaah! 508 00:21:15,191 --> 00:21:16,276 (buzzing) 509 00:21:17,986 --> 00:21:19,612 Jingle Jim, why are you here? 510 00:21:19,696 --> 00:21:21,197 You don't even have facial hair. 511 00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:22,615 I have to shave every week. 512 00:21:22,699 --> 00:21:25,285 I'm talking about my genitals, dumb-dumb. 513 00:21:25,368 --> 00:21:28,329 It's a gay thing. Yes, I am gay. 514 00:21:28,413 --> 00:21:30,415 And it's a valid and wonderful lifestyle. 515 00:21:30,498 --> 00:21:32,375 If I wasn't straight, I'd be gay. 516 00:21:32,459 --> 00:21:33,668 It's number two on my list. 517 00:21:33,752 --> 00:21:35,837 I shave, too. I shave my legs. 518 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:38,298 And under my arms, and, uh, you know, 519 00:21:38,381 --> 00:21:40,717 all the parts of my vulva that face the floor. 520 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:44,637 Why have I never been invited to this, and Jingle Jim has? 521 00:21:44,721 --> 00:21:46,765 And Jeremy? Jeremy's all ice! 522 00:21:46,848 --> 00:21:48,475 They make mine into a snowcone. 523 00:21:48,558 --> 00:21:50,894 Candy, you're more than welcome to stay, 524 00:21:50,977 --> 00:21:52,228 and, and join in. 525 00:21:52,312 --> 00:21:53,480 But, sir, when you hired me, 526 00:21:53,563 --> 00:21:55,356 you knew I wasn't trained for vaginas. 527 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:58,401 I don't wanna be sued if I slip up and make her infertile. 528 00:21:58,485 --> 00:22:00,737 (softly): The baby needs the hair to stay warm. 529 00:22:00,820 --> 00:22:04,115 Ugh! Thanks for the info on how my body works. 530 00:22:04,991 --> 00:22:06,201 I can't stay anyway. 531 00:22:06,284 --> 00:22:09,204 I've got a ton of parties and raves and shit to go to. 532 00:22:09,287 --> 00:22:11,998 I mean, if I knew earlier I could've switched stuff around but-- 533 00:22:12,082 --> 00:22:14,125 Oh, thank god. I mean, I'll, I'll walk you out. 534 00:22:14,209 --> 00:22:16,920 And I'm gonna think hard about what we spoke about. 535 00:22:17,003 --> 00:22:18,046 (chuckles) 536 00:22:23,218 --> 00:22:24,427 Fuck those douches. 537 00:22:24,511 --> 00:22:27,764 Someday, I will be the first woman Santa. 538 00:22:27,847 --> 00:22:29,057 Period! 539 00:22:29,140 --> 00:22:30,600 ♪ ♪ 540 00:22:32,519 --> 00:22:35,563 ♪ No two are alike ♪ 541 00:22:39,234 --> 00:22:43,571 ♪ They are their own special beings ♪ 542 00:22:46,825 --> 00:22:50,286 ♪ The one thing that they have in common ♪ 543 00:22:50,370 --> 00:22:54,916 ♪ Is I love them all the same ♪ 544 00:22:54,999 --> 00:22:58,878 ♪ Snowflake, snowflake ♪ 545 00:22:58,962 --> 00:23:02,632 ♪ Snowflake, snowflake ♪ 546 00:23:02,715 --> 00:23:06,803 ♪ If you commit a crime I'll give you a dime ♪ 547 00:23:06,886 --> 00:23:09,556 ♪ To call me anytime ♪ 548 00:23:09,639 --> 00:23:10,974 ♪ Night or day ♪ 549 00:23:11,057 --> 00:23:12,267 ♪ Snowflake ♪ 550 00:23:12,350 --> 00:23:14,853 ♪ I love you all the same ♪ 551 00:23:14,936 --> 00:23:16,396 ♪ Snowflake ♪ 552 00:23:16,479 --> 00:23:18,940 And you, and you... 553 00:23:19,023 --> 00:23:20,400 ♪ Snowflake ♪ 554 00:23:20,483 --> 00:23:23,695 Just kidding, I love all of you the same.