1
00:00:06,131 --> 00:00:07,924
[drums play]
2
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:09,926
[engine whirs]
3
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,803
[house band playing "Come Fly With Me"]
4
00:00:11,886 --> 00:00:14,006
[man] Mr. Seinfeld,
you have a show tonight, don't ya?
5
00:00:14,639 --> 00:00:15,765
[Jerry] Yes, I do.
6
00:00:16,224 --> 00:00:19,019
[man] They're telling me there's
too much traffic to land right now.
7
00:00:19,102 --> 00:00:20,705
- [Jerry] Oh.
- What do you want me to do?
8
00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:23,648
No problem.
You can let me out anywhere along here.
9
00:00:26,359 --> 00:00:29,738
[drum solo plays]
10
00:00:30,238 --> 00:00:31,990
[band continues playing]
11
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:46,046
[crowd cheering and applauding]
12
00:00:54,804 --> 00:00:56,973
[music crescendos]
13
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,391
- [cymbals crash]
- [song ends]
14
00:00:58,475 --> 00:00:59,475
Thank you!
15
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:01,895
Thank you very much!
16
00:01:02,812 --> 00:01:03,897
Oh, my God.
17
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,692
[audience continues cheering and whooping]
18
00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:09,027
What a moment.
19
00:01:09,611 --> 00:01:10,612
What a feeling.
20
00:01:10,695 --> 00:01:13,448
What an accomplishment this is...
21
00:01:14,115 --> 00:01:15,115
on your part.
22
00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:16,409
[audience cheers]
23
00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:18,787
What you just went through...
24
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:22,290
going out, dealing with...
25
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,293
natural obstacles of life.
26
00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:29,005
Difficult people, arranging, planning.
27
00:01:29,881 --> 00:01:32,842
Annoying friends, many of whom
you're sitting with right now...
28
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:33,926
[audience laughs]
29
00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:37,138
...who, for some reason,
30
00:01:37,222 --> 00:01:40,225
required
unnecessarily complicated back-and-forth,
31
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,727
communicating about "Who's going?"
32
00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:45,188
"When do we leave?"
and "How do we get there?"
33
00:01:45,563 --> 00:01:48,066
"Why don't you pick me up?"
"Why don't I pick you up?"
34
00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:50,069
"It's on the way."
"It's the opposite direction."
35
00:01:50,151 --> 00:01:51,277
"My car." "Your car."
36
00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:52,946
"One car." "Two cars."
37
00:01:54,155 --> 00:01:56,866
"When are we gonna eat? Did you eat?
I didn't eat."
38
00:01:57,617 --> 00:01:59,619
"Are you gonna eat? I'm starving."
"I'm stuffed."
39
00:01:59,702 --> 00:02:03,039
"I've been eating Jolly Ranchers all day.
I need something solid."
40
00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:05,959
"What about the tickets?
Who's got the tickets?
41
00:02:06,042 --> 00:02:07,418
Do you have the tickets?"
42
00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:10,231
How many times
did you hear the word "tickets" today?
43
00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:11,631
"Don't forget the tickets."
44
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,717
"You have the tickets?"
"Yeah, I got the tickets!"
45
00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:17,220
"Did you get their tickets?"
"I didn't get tickets for them.
46
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:19,180
They gotta get their own tickets!
47
00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:22,225
They didn't pay me
from the last time I got 'em tickets."
48
00:02:23,351 --> 00:02:26,271
Why are your friends so annoying?
49
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:30,692
The people
you have chosen to be with in life.
50
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:32,318
It makes no sense.
51
00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:34,696
You'd get rid of all of 'em in a second...
52
00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:37,615
if it wasn't
even a bigger pain in the ass
53
00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:41,870
to find new people,
learn about their annoying problems
54
00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:43,913
that they never do anything about...
55
00:02:44,622 --> 00:02:46,624
[audience cheers]
56
00:02:48,459 --> 00:02:50,420
...change the names and numbers
in your phone,
57
00:02:50,503 --> 00:02:52,088
delete the old contacts.
58
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,883
"Ah, the hell with it.
I'll ride it out with these idiots.
59
00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:58,178
It's the same meals, holidays,
and movies anyway.
60
00:02:58,261 --> 00:03:00,013
What's the difference who I'm with?"
61
00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:02,557
"Just wanna be out." This is out.
62
00:03:03,099 --> 00:03:05,101
People talk about goin' out.
63
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,896
"We should go out. Let's go out.
We never go out."
64
00:03:07,979 --> 00:03:09,480
[audience chuckles]
65
00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:10,564
Well...
66
00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:12,316
this is it.
67
00:03:13,067 --> 00:03:16,446
[audience laughs, cheers]
68
00:03:21,492 --> 00:03:25,121
Now, the good thing about being out
is you don't have to be out for long.
69
00:03:25,788 --> 00:03:28,791
Just long enough to get the next feeling,
which you're all gonna get.
70
00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:31,669
And that feeling is,
"I gotta be gettin' back."
71
00:03:31,753 --> 00:03:33,004
[audience laughs]
72
00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:34,756
After all the work
73
00:03:34,839 --> 00:03:38,218
you put into getting your ass
where it is right now...
74
00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:42,180
you're only halfway through this nightmare
at this point.
75
00:03:42,263 --> 00:03:44,182
[audience laughs]
76
00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:47,018
Wherever you are, really,
anywhere in life, at some point,
77
00:03:47,101 --> 00:03:49,687
- you gotta get the hell outta there.
- [audience chuckles]
78
00:03:49,771 --> 00:03:51,689
You're at work; you wanna get home.
79
00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:54,651
You're at home.
"I'm working all week. I gotta get out."
80
00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:57,237
You're out, and it's late.
"I gotta get back."
81
00:03:57,654 --> 00:03:59,822
"I gotta get up."
"I gotta get to the airport."
82
00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:02,158
"When are we getting on the plane?"
Plane takes off.
83
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,077
"When's the plane gonna land?"
Plane lands.
84
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,080
"Why don't they open the door
so we can get out?"
85
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:08,164
Nobody wants to be anywhere.
86
00:04:09,165 --> 00:04:11,042
[audience laughs and cheers]
87
00:04:14,128 --> 00:04:16,506
Nobody likes anything.
88
00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:17,674
[audience laughs]
89
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,343
We're cranky, we're irritable,
90
00:04:20,718 --> 00:04:23,888
and we're dealing with it
by constantly changing locations.
91
00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:26,933
[audience applauds]
92
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:31,479
And so... we come up with things
like this, what we're doing right now.
93
00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:35,858
This is a made-up, bogus, hyped-up,
not-necessary special event.
94
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,944
[audience laughs and cheers]
95
00:04:38,027 --> 00:04:39,112
That's what this is.
96
00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:41,781
[audience applauds]
97
00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:46,160
That a lot of people
worked very hard to put together
98
00:04:46,911 --> 00:04:48,997
so that we could all just kill some time.
99
00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:53,793
That's why I'm here.
I had nothing to do either, by the way.
100
00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:57,714
I can tell you that. You know me.
You and I...
101
00:04:57,797 --> 00:05:01,509
Come on, you and I know each other
on a certain level...
102
00:05:01,592 --> 00:05:03,511
electronic, though it may be...
103
00:05:03,928 --> 00:05:06,389
for many, many years, at this point.
104
00:05:06,472 --> 00:05:08,808
We're going through life together.
A beautiful thing.
105
00:05:08,891 --> 00:05:09,976
You know what I've done.
106
00:05:10,059 --> 00:05:11,978
You know what I've made.
You know how I live.
107
00:05:12,061 --> 00:05:13,688
You know for a fact...
108
00:05:14,605 --> 00:05:17,317
I could be anywhere
in the world right now!
109
00:05:17,775 --> 00:05:19,027
[audience chuckles]
110
00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:20,194
Now, you be honest.
111
00:05:20,278 --> 00:05:21,529
If you were me,
112
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:24,949
would you be up here,
hacking out another one of these?
113
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:26,033
[audience laughs]
114
00:05:27,201 --> 00:05:28,953
[cheering]
115
00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:35,209
Maybe... or maybe not.
116
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:37,795
Nonetheless, I am thrilled to be here.
117
00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:39,630
- I love it here.
- [audience cheers]
118
00:05:41,924 --> 00:05:45,094
This could be my favorite spot
in the entire world,
119
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,096
right here, right now. Could be.
120
00:05:47,513 --> 00:05:49,474
[audience continues cheering]
121
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:53,353
- [woman] We love you!
- Thank you, sweetheart. I love you too.
122
00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:57,690
This is, in fact,
my favorite type of intimate relationship.
123
00:05:57,774 --> 00:06:00,193
[audience laughs]
124
00:06:00,276 --> 00:06:03,529
I love you, you love me,
and we will never meet.
125
00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:05,990
- [audience chuckles]
- [woman whoops]
126
00:06:06,991 --> 00:06:08,117
[man] Yeah, Jerry!
127
00:06:10,244 --> 00:06:12,038
It's all things we do
to convince ourselves
128
00:06:12,121 --> 00:06:13,247
our lives don't suck.
129
00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:16,250
That's another thing this is.
You'll be going tomorrow,
130
00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:19,355
"My life doesn't suck. I saw a comedian
who had a show in the '90s last night
131
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,756
at the Beacon Theatre on Broadway,
in New York City."
132
00:06:22,256 --> 00:06:24,801
Even though your life
does pretty much suck.
133
00:06:26,135 --> 00:06:28,888
And I know that
because I know that everyone's life sucks.
134
00:06:28,971 --> 00:06:30,848
Your life sucks. My life sucks, too.
135
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,644
Perhaps not quite as much.
136
00:06:34,727 --> 00:06:37,063
[audience laughs and applauds]
137
00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:40,691
But still, in the vast suckness...
138
00:06:42,443 --> 00:06:45,113
of human life, everyone's life sucks.
It's okay.
139
00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:47,532
Never feel bad that your life sucks.
140
00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:49,367
The greatest lesson you can learn in life:
141
00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:52,578
- "Sucks" and "great" are pretty close.
- [audience chuckles]
142
00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:54,288
They're not that different.
143
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:55,998
We live here in New York.
144
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:58,352
Over here, I'm so sick of hearing about
great restaurants.
145
00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:01,796
"Jerry, we went to a great restaurant
last night.
146
00:07:02,296 --> 00:07:03,840
It was great. You would love it.
147
00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:06,801
He would love it. Wouldn't he love it?
You would love it."
148
00:07:07,343 --> 00:07:09,929
"You."
You know how your friends single you out?
149
00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:11,472
"You. Wouldn't he?
150
00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:14,350
He would love that place."
151
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:17,311
"Did you like it?"
"I didn't care for it myself, but you..."
152
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:18,855
[audience laughs]
153
00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:22,358
I don't like the great restaurants.
I don't like great anything.
154
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,762
I'm looking for not bad.
"How's that food?" "It's not bad."
155
00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:27,339
"That sounds great. Let's go over there
and get this over with."
156
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:31,110
"Wanna hear the specials?"
"No. If they're so special,
157
00:07:31,159 --> 00:07:34,162
- put 'em on the menu.
- [audience laughs]
158
00:07:34,245 --> 00:07:37,498
I'm not interested in food
that's auditioning to get on the team."
159
00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:40,626
I don't know
what the hell you're talkin' about.
160
00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:43,171
"We're gonna pan-sear it.
We're gonna herb-crust it.
161
00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:47,008
We're gonna drizzle it with something
that's a reduction of somethin' else."
162
00:07:48,342 --> 00:07:50,970
Stop drizzling.
We can't take the drizzling anymore!
163
00:07:52,597 --> 00:07:53,931
It's too much drizzling!
164
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:58,519
Maybe if you didn't reduce it so much,
you wouldn't have to drizzle it!
165
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:02,565
The meal takes two and a half hours.
166
00:08:03,232 --> 00:08:05,552
Your ass is hurtin' by the end of it.
It's not half as good
167
00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,862
as a bowl of Lucky Charms
and Pepsi anyway.
168
00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:10,239
[audience laughs and applauds]
169
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:14,160
Check always comes in that book,
the little story of the bill.
170
00:08:14,911 --> 00:08:16,204
Yeah, here's the story.
171
00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:18,706
Once upon a time, you got rib.
That's the story.
172
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:22,126
You're on the street afterwards
with your friends,
173
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,888
"I-I didn't think that was...
Was that great?" Everyone says "great."
174
00:08:24,962 --> 00:08:27,362
"Yeah, I didn't think it was that great.
What did you think?"
175
00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:29,926
"It sucked, right? That place sucks."
176
00:08:31,093 --> 00:08:33,137
A lot of great places just suck!
177
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:36,140
Then you go to a baseball game.
You have a hot dog.
178
00:08:36,849 --> 00:08:38,142
The hot dog is cold.
179
00:08:38,726 --> 00:08:40,102
The bun is not toasted.
180
00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:43,606
The vendor is an ex-con
in a work-release program.
181
00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:44,774
[audience laughs]
182
00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:47,443
You love that hot dog every time.
183
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,320
Does it... Does it suck? Yes.
184
00:08:49,403 --> 00:08:50,988
Is it great? Yes.
185
00:08:51,113 --> 00:08:53,115
That's how close they are!
186
00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:54,700
[audience laughs and applauds]
187
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,037
[cheering]
188
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:04,210
"Sucks" and "great"
are the only two ratings
189
00:09:04,293 --> 00:09:07,004
people even give to anything anymore.
190
00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:09,257
"Hey, let's go see that new movie.
I heard it's great."
191
00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:10,800
"Really? I heard it sucked."
192
00:09:12,134 --> 00:09:14,011
"How could it suck?
It's supposed to be great."
193
00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:17,473
"I heard the beginning is great,
and then after that, it sucks."
194
00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:20,810
"Oh, that sucks."
"I know. It coulda been great."
195
00:09:21,769 --> 00:09:24,063
I say that "sucks" and "great"
are the exact same thing.
196
00:09:24,146 --> 00:09:26,186
You have an ice cream cone.
Walking down the street,
197
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,401
the ice cream falls off
the top of the cone,
198
00:09:28,484 --> 00:09:30,069
hits the pavement. Sucks.
199
00:09:30,152 --> 00:09:31,654
What do you say? "Great."
200
00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:34,031
[audience laughing and applauding]
201
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:45,459
[smacks lips] Food's a good subject.
Let's talk a little bit more about this.
202
00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:48,170
'Cause we were
in Vegas a couple months ago.
203
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,965
And everybody goes,
"Jerry, you gotta go to the buffet.
204
00:09:51,048 --> 00:09:52,174
They got the buffet.
205
00:09:52,633 --> 00:09:55,344
Oh, come on. You can get whatever you want
at the buffet."
206
00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:59,473
What is the idea of the buffet?
207
00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:01,392
"Well, things are bad.
208
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:03,561
How could we make it worse?
209
00:10:03,644 --> 00:10:05,146
[audience chuckling]
210
00:10:05,229 --> 00:10:06,480
Why don't we put people
211
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:09,275
that are already struggling
with portion control...
212
00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:13,613
[audience applauds]
213
00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:17,325
...into some kind of debauched,
Caligula food orgy
214
00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:19,452
of unlimited human consumption?
215
00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:26,542
Let's make the entrance
a chocolate-syrup water park slide."
216
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,628
[audience laughs]
217
00:10:30,212 --> 00:10:32,673
The buffet is like taking your dog
to Petco
218
00:10:32,757 --> 00:10:34,675
and letting your dog do the shopping.
219
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:38,846
You give him your wallet
in the parking lot and go,
220
00:10:38,929 --> 00:10:41,515
"Why don't you go in,
get whatever you think...
221
00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:44,644
is the right amount of dog food for you?
222
00:10:46,437 --> 00:10:48,981
Use your dog judgment.
223
00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:51,317
I'm gonna wait in the car.
224
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,903
Leave the window open a crack
so I can breathe."
225
00:10:55,738 --> 00:11:00,868
People do not do well
in an unsupervised eating environment.
226
00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:06,165
Nobody would walk into a restaurant
and say, "I'll have a yogurt parfait,
227
00:11:06,248 --> 00:11:09,418
sparerib, meat pie, crab leg,
four cookies, and an egg-white omelet."
228
00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:11,837
[audience laughs]
229
00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:15,716
People are building
death-row last meal wish lists
230
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,051
on these plates.
231
00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:22,306
It's like a perfect working model
of all their emotional problems
232
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,141
and personal difficulties.
233
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:26,352
They just walk around.
They just kinda hold it out.
234
00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:28,104
"This is what I'm dealing with.
235
00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:29,605
[audience laughs]
236
00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:32,316
It's a salad
with a scoop of ice cream on it.
237
00:11:33,317 --> 00:11:34,985
I've got some unresolved issues
238
00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:37,405
I'm trying to work out
here at the buffet."
239
00:11:39,615 --> 00:11:40,908
Start accosting strangers.
240
00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:43,845
"Excuse me. Where did you get that?
What is that? I didn't even see that.
241
00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:46,205
What is that?
Is that a caramelized chicken leg?
242
00:11:46,288 --> 00:11:48,517
I gotta try that. Give me yours.
You know where they are.
243
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,042
You can get more. Come on!"
244
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,502
[audience chuckles]
245
00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:55,673
- [woman laughs hysterically]
- Let's...
246
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:57,758
- Please. Please.
- [audience chuckles]
247
00:11:57,842 --> 00:12:00,344
Please stay with the group
as much as you can.
248
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:01,929
[audience laughs]
249
00:12:02,012 --> 00:12:03,889
We're gonna be going
through a lot of exhibits.
250
00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:05,813
- [woman laughs]
- I don't want any stragglers.
251
00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:10,521
But when I was a kid,
252
00:12:11,355 --> 00:12:13,649
the biggest food thing
that happened to me...
253
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,359
When they invented the Pop-Tart,
254
00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:18,195
the back of my head blew right off.
255
00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:20,072
[audience chuckles]
256
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:22,283
We couldn't comprehend the Pop-Tart!
257
00:12:23,284 --> 00:12:24,660
It was too advanced!
258
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:29,373
We saw it in the supermarket.
It was like an alien spaceship.
259
00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:33,043
We were just chimps in the dirt,
playing with sticks. Just...
260
00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:35,129
[audience chuckles]
261
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,131
...grunting, pointing.
262
00:12:37,214 --> 00:12:39,175
[slowly] "Pop-Tart is here."
263
00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:41,302
[audience chuckles]
264
00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:44,680
Think back to when the Pop-Tart came out.
It was the '60s.
265
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,390
We had toast!
266
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,517
[audience laughs]
267
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:51,729
We had orange juice,
frozen decades in advance.
268
00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:54,273
You had to hack away at it
with a knife!
269
00:12:54,356 --> 00:12:56,442
[audience laughs]
270
00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:57,735
It was like a murder
271
00:12:57,818 --> 00:13:00,529
to get a couple of drops of liquidity
in the morning.
272
00:13:01,739 --> 00:13:02,990
We had shredded wheat.
273
00:13:03,073 --> 00:13:05,367
It was like wrapping your lips
around a woodchipper.
274
00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:08,119
You'd have breakfast,
275
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:11,708
you had to take two days off
for the scars to heal so you could speak.
276
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:14,919
My mom made Cream of Wheat.
She didn't get the recipe.
277
00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:18,380
"Mom, the amount of water
in this dish is critical.
278
00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:20,466
[audience chuckling]
279
00:13:20,549 --> 00:13:23,093
You're making it too thick!
280
00:13:25,429 --> 00:13:27,973
I can't even move my little-kid spoon
in the bowl!
281
00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:33,771
I'm seven. I feel like I'm rowing
in the hull of a Greek slave ship.
282
00:13:42,029 --> 00:13:43,197
That was breakfast?"
283
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,951
And in the midst of that dark
and hopeless moment,
284
00:13:47,409 --> 00:13:50,996
the Kellogg's Pop-Tarts suddenly appeared
out of Battle Creek, Michigan,
285
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,832
which, as you cereal fans know,
286
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:55,000
is the corporate headquarters
of Kellogg's
287
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:57,253
and a town
I have always wanted to visit...
288
00:13:58,128 --> 00:14:00,756
because it seems
like a cereal Silicon Valley...
289
00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:03,676
of breakfast super scientists...
290
00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:06,929
conceiving of the frosted,
fruit-filled, heatable rectangles
291
00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:09,223
in the same shape
as the box it comes in...
292
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:12,893
and with the same nutrition
as the box it comes in, too.
293
00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:15,604
That was the hard part.
294
00:14:16,146 --> 00:14:19,483
I don't know how long it took to invent,
but they must've come out of that lab
295
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,902
like Moses with the two tablets
of the Ten Commandments.
296
00:14:22,903 --> 00:14:25,739
[audience laughs and applauds]
297
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,412
"The Pop-Tart is here!
298
00:14:33,247 --> 00:14:34,748
Two in the packet!
299
00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:39,420
Two slots in a toaster!
300
00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:43,799
Let's see ya screw this up!
301
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,759
[audience laughs]
302
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:48,596
Why two?
One's not enough. Three's too many.
303
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:52,558
And they can't go stale,
'cause they weren't ever fresh."
304
00:14:52,641 --> 00:14:55,394
[audience laughs, applauds]
305
00:14:59,523 --> 00:15:02,003
[Jerry] What else is annoying
in the world, besides everything?
306
00:15:03,527 --> 00:15:05,863
What about your device dictatorship
307
00:15:05,946 --> 00:15:09,408
that you live under,
cowering in fear from your phone?
308
00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:11,761
"My phone! Where's my phone?
I can't find my phone. It's...
309
00:15:11,785 --> 00:15:14,538
Oh, here it is. I got it. It's here.
It's here. My phone is here."
310
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:17,499
I didn't... I moved it from this pocket
to this pocket.
311
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:21,545
I didn't know where it was for a second.
I'm okay. That was really close.
312
00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:23,213
- [audience laughs]
- Phew.
313
00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:27,968
You are so hypno-phonified at this point,
you hand your phone to somebody
314
00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:29,386
to show them something.
315
00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:30,804
After two seconds, you go,
316
00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:33,849
"All right. Okay, give me it back.
Give it back.
317
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,310
You saw it. That... that's it.
Give it back.
318
00:15:36,685 --> 00:15:39,188
I am completely off-the-grid right now."
319
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,025
When that battery gets low...
320
00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:46,737
you feel like your whole body's
runnin' out of power, don't you? I just...
321
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:50,532
I-I feel tired when the phone battery
gets down to ten or five.
322
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:51,659
I can't even walk.
323
00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:55,788
"You guys go ahead without me.
I gotta get to a charger."
324
00:15:55,871 --> 00:15:57,164
[audience laughs]
325
00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:00,000
A call comes in. "Listen,
326
00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:02,461
I don't know how much time
I have left out here.
327
00:16:03,837 --> 00:16:06,674
I wish I could take back
some of the things I've said.
328
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:09,468
If I go dead on the street,
329
00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:12,554
tell everyone I know
I'll talk to them tomorrow."
330
00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:14,932
[audience laughs, cheers]
331
00:16:20,854 --> 00:16:22,648
[man whoops]
332
00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:24,900
"Well, I gotta stay in touch with people,
Jerry.
333
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,986
That's why the phone's so important to me.
334
00:16:27,319 --> 00:16:29,279
People are pretty important, you know."
335
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,382
Really? They don't seem very important,
336
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:33,867
the way you scroll through their names
on your contact list
337
00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:35,536
like a gay French king.
338
00:16:35,619 --> 00:16:38,414
[audience laughing]
339
00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:42,918
"Who pleases me today?
340
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,423
Who shall I favor?
341
00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:49,591
Who shall I delete?"
342
00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:57,016
We are not separating from the phone.
343
00:16:57,099 --> 00:16:58,976
It's a part of us.
344
00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:01,603
Now, who are you with no phone?
345
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:04,189
What access to information do you have?
346
00:17:04,606 --> 00:17:06,108
What you can remember.
347
00:17:06,316 --> 00:17:07,484
[audience chuckles]
348
00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:13,365
What'll you do without your pictures?
Are you gonna describe what you saw?
349
00:17:13,449 --> 00:17:14,616
[audience laughs]
350
00:17:15,951 --> 00:17:18,662
That doesn't work for us.
351
00:17:19,496 --> 00:17:23,000
We don't wanna talk to anybody
that doesn't have a phone.
352
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:25,127
That's why it's called an iPhone.
353
00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:27,129
It's half myself, half phone.
354
00:17:27,254 --> 00:17:28,881
That's a complete individual.
355
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,216
[audience claps and cheers]
356
00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:33,500
I don't even know
what the purpose of people is anymore.
357
00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:35,232
I think the only reason people still exist
358
00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:37,806
is phones need pockets to ride around in.
359
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,516
[audience laughs]
360
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,227
I used to think Uber was on my phone
so I could get around.
361
00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:44,497
Then I started thinking
maybe they put Uber on the phone
362
00:17:44,521 --> 00:17:46,001
because that makes me take the phone,
363
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,317
'cause the phone is using me
to get around.
364
00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:52,488
Who's really the Uber
in this big prostitution ring?
365
00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:55,699
I'm the little bitch carrying the phone.
366
00:17:55,783 --> 00:17:57,910
[audience laughs and applauds]
367
00:17:57,993 --> 00:17:59,078
The cars are the hos,
368
00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:01,497
picking up strangers
off the street all night.
369
00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:03,710
And the phone's the big pimp
of the whole thing,
370
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:05,935
telling the drivers,
"You just get who I tell ya to get.
371
00:18:05,959 --> 00:18:07,211
I'll handle the money."
372
00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:09,588
[audience cheers and applauds]
373
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:15,761
We call it a phone.
We don't even use it as a phone.
374
00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:18,305
Nobody's talkin' on the phone.
375
00:18:19,515 --> 00:18:20,891
Once they gave you the option,
376
00:18:20,974 --> 00:18:22,851
you could talk or type,
talkin' ended that day.
377
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,645
- It's over.
- [audience laughs]
378
00:18:24,728 --> 00:18:26,939
Talking is obsolete. It's antiquated.
379
00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:30,567
I feel like a blacksmith
up here sometimes, to tell you the truth.
380
00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:34,696
I could text you this whole thing.
We can get the hell outta here right now.
381
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:35,864
[audience laughs]
382
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:42,246
Why would I wanna get information
from a face when I could get it
383
00:18:42,329 --> 00:18:44,206
from a nice, clean screen?
384
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:46,917
Don't you feel uncomfortable now?
Faces come up to you,
385
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,920
[muttering] "Well, I'll tell you
what I think about what you ought to do."
386
00:18:50,003 --> 00:18:52,965
Their lips and their teeth and their gums
and their...
387
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:56,802
There's a missed shaving spot,
there's a piece of crust, some goo.
388
00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:59,221
You see a little lunch remnant
in their teeth.
389
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,348
"Just send me an e-mail about this,
would ya?
390
00:19:01,431 --> 00:19:02,808
I can't do it anymore.
391
00:19:04,518 --> 00:19:07,062
Your face is the worst news
I've had all day."
392
00:19:07,521 --> 00:19:09,690
[audience laughs]
393
00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:12,943
We wanna text, text, just text!
394
00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:17,698
We like that word, don't we? "Text!"
It's fun to say. It's got that...
395
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:20,951
short, tight, got the x in there,
a little bite to it.
396
00:19:21,034 --> 00:19:23,328
"Text it! Text!"
397
00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:25,622
"Don't... I don't...
I don't know where it is.
398
00:19:26,081 --> 00:19:28,709
Don't tell me! Text it. Don't tell me!"
399
00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:30,919
[audience laughs]
400
00:19:31,628 --> 00:19:33,422
Remember when we first got text?
401
00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:36,884
Not really. Can't really remember that.
402
00:19:36,967 --> 00:19:38,594
- [audience chuckles]
- I-I can't either.
403
00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:40,345
I mean, I know that we have it.
404
00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:42,806
I know we didn't use to have it.
405
00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:46,143
I don't know how we got it.
I don't remember...
406
00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:49,354
Did they tell us we were getting it?
There was...
407
00:19:50,105 --> 00:19:52,608
Was there an announcement
that we were getting it?
408
00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:56,695
There was no commercial.
I don't remember a commercial.
409
00:19:57,321 --> 00:20:00,574
"Want some human contact
but kind of had it up to here with people?
410
00:20:00,657 --> 00:20:03,160
- Try text.
- [audience laughs]
411
00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:04,995
Need to get someone
some information
412
00:20:05,078 --> 00:20:08,040
but don't want to hear their stupid voice
responding to it?
413
00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:11,251
You need to be on text."
414
00:20:13,128 --> 00:20:14,796
We like it. It's fast. It's efficient.
415
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,132
Not fast enough,
apparently, for some people.
416
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:20,594
Now, instead of "OK,"
a lot of people text me just the "K,"
417
00:20:20,969 --> 00:20:21,970
leavin' the "O" off.
418
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:26,058
What... what microfraction of a second
did you save?
419
00:20:26,141 --> 00:20:28,560
- [audience chuckles and claps]
- You think you're efficient?
420
00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:29,686
What does that add up to,
421
00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,730
like two free minutes
at the end of your day
422
00:20:31,813 --> 00:20:33,941
that you can watch
a YouTube video of skateboarders
423
00:20:34,024 --> 00:20:35,734
banging their nuts off a railing?
424
00:20:35,817 --> 00:20:37,694
[audience laughs]
425
00:20:37,778 --> 00:20:41,531
Somebody texted me "TY" the other day
instead of "thank you."
426
00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:43,992
I'd like to bang your nuts off a railing,
TY.
427
00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:46,870
- [audience laughs and cheers]
- That's not a thank-you.
428
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:49,957
We're so anxious to get the next text,
429
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:51,760
they give you
those three little ghosty dots
430
00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:52,792
to tell ya it's coming.
431
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:55,837
"Oh, we're cooking up a good one for you.
Wait till ya see this.
432
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:57,047
[audience laughs]
433
00:20:57,130 --> 00:20:59,967
You are not gonna believe
what this guy's about to say."
434
00:21:01,885 --> 00:21:03,387
I can't show it to you yet.
435
00:21:03,470 --> 00:21:05,931
We're still working on it
in the text machine,
436
00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:07,683
but it's gonna be a beauty.
437
00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:09,559
You can see the pistons pumping.
438
00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:11,645
[audience chuckles]
439
00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:15,274
Sometimes, we get the ghosty dots,
and then no text.
440
00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:16,483
What happened there?
441
00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:18,902
[audience laughs and applauds]
442
00:21:18,986 --> 00:21:20,487
I wanna know what that was.
443
00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:23,031
Is that like somebody coming up to you
and going...
444
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:24,408
"Ah, uh, never mind."
445
00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:26,910
[audience laughing and applauding]
446
00:21:36,420 --> 00:21:38,130
The phones keep getting smarter.
447
00:21:39,506 --> 00:21:40,506
Why don't we?
448
00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:42,134
[audience chuckles]
449
00:21:42,217 --> 00:21:45,679
Why are people on voice mail
still telling me to wait for the beep?
450
00:21:46,346 --> 00:21:48,473
It's the 21st goddamn century.
451
00:21:49,224 --> 00:21:51,601
I think we're all up to speed
on the beep.
452
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:56,898
The Maasai tribesmen of the African plain
know about the beep.
453
00:21:57,232 --> 00:21:59,860
They don't leave a message
till they hear: "Ma-ma-lay, ma-ma-lay.
454
00:21:59,943 --> 00:22:01,945
Beep!"
455
00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:07,617
Why are people still telling me
to leave my name and number on voice mail?
456
00:22:07,701 --> 00:22:10,120
Are these necessary instructions
for anyone?
457
00:22:10,203 --> 00:22:13,749
Anyone getting messages like,
"This is a woman. Goodbye"?
458
00:22:13,832 --> 00:22:15,834
[audience laughing]
459
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:23,884
Or: "He's dead. Call me back."
"Who was that?"
460
00:22:23,967 --> 00:22:25,093
[audience chuckles]
461
00:22:29,431 --> 00:22:31,975
What about the, uh, camera in the phone?
462
00:22:32,059 --> 00:22:34,895
I always wonder if they...
Before they do those kinds of things,
463
00:22:34,978 --> 00:22:36,104
do they stand around and go,
464
00:22:36,188 --> 00:22:38,607
"Hey, are you sure this is a good idea?
465
00:22:39,274 --> 00:22:40,984
You don't think this one feature,
466
00:22:41,068 --> 00:22:43,195
all by itself,
could result in so many pictures,
467
00:22:43,278 --> 00:22:45,405
videos, posting, comments, and clapbacks
468
00:22:45,489 --> 00:22:48,575
that the entire life force
of the human race just drains out
469
00:22:48,658 --> 00:22:51,036
like a puddle of piss
by the side of the road?
470
00:22:51,953 --> 00:22:54,081
[audience cheers and applauds]
471
00:22:54,164 --> 00:22:55,165
[woman whoops]
472
00:22:57,250 --> 00:23:00,087
You don't think that could happen
from this one thing?"
473
00:23:00,837 --> 00:23:01,837
"No.
474
00:23:02,464 --> 00:23:06,176
Nor do I think every restaurant dinner
will end with a picture bully going,
475
00:23:06,259 --> 00:23:08,095
'Okay, everyone. Picture.
476
00:23:08,678 --> 00:23:09,888
Come on.
477
00:23:10,764 --> 00:23:12,849
[in singsong voice]
We gotta have a picture.'"
478
00:23:13,975 --> 00:23:16,603
"Why? We didn't have a good time.
I don't wanna remember this."
479
00:23:16,686 --> 00:23:17,686
[audience laughs]
480
00:23:18,146 --> 00:23:20,941
And let's make sure we get
the least phone-fluent person
481
00:23:21,024 --> 00:23:22,818
in the area to take the picture.
482
00:23:23,193 --> 00:23:26,488
Someone old, nervous, clumsy,
confused, or dim-witted.
483
00:23:27,489 --> 00:23:30,909
Someone that can't hold things,
see things, aim things, press things.
484
00:23:31,743 --> 00:23:33,829
Someone who,
the second they're handed the phone,
485
00:23:33,912 --> 00:23:36,790
it slips off camera mode,
and they can't get it back.
486
00:23:38,583 --> 00:23:40,419
"I don't know. Is anyone...
487
00:23:41,002 --> 00:23:42,003
I don't, uh...
488
00:23:42,462 --> 00:23:43,797
Does anyone know how to..."
489
00:23:44,631 --> 00:23:47,259
Let's get that person
so we can be standing here even longer
490
00:23:47,342 --> 00:23:49,678
with fake, frozen smiles
and our arm around somebody
491
00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:52,347
you would never touch
in any other social situation.
492
00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:53,932
[audience laughs]
493
00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:55,767
We're picture-addicted.
494
00:23:57,102 --> 00:24:00,147
There's no way to stop it. Sometimes,
I wanna go back to the flip phone.
495
00:24:00,230 --> 00:24:03,316
One of those ones I see on TV.
They have these phones for old people
496
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,652
with the...
with the giant buttons like floor tiles.
497
00:24:05,735 --> 00:24:07,713
- You ever see that commercial?
- [audience laughs]
498
00:24:07,737 --> 00:24:11,199
These old people phones,
two buttons: your kid, ambulance.
499
00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:12,199
That's it.
500
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,494
[audience laughs]
501
00:24:14,578 --> 00:24:16,997
Forget the numbers.
You don't need the numbers.
502
00:24:21,251 --> 00:24:23,879
Why don't we update
some of these terms that we use
503
00:24:23,962 --> 00:24:25,755
in the tech world, like "e-mail"?
504
00:24:25,839 --> 00:24:29,134
Why is the world "mail" even in "e-mail"?
505
00:24:29,301 --> 00:24:31,094
Is there any similarity between e-mail
506
00:24:31,178 --> 00:24:34,139
and whatever the hell is going on
in the Postal Service?
507
00:24:35,140 --> 00:24:38,143
One of them operates on a digital,
fiber-optic, hyper-speed network.
508
00:24:38,226 --> 00:24:40,020
The other is this dazed and confused,
509
00:24:40,103 --> 00:24:42,856
distant branch of the Cub Scouts
out there, just...
510
00:24:42,939 --> 00:24:45,066
[audience laughs]
511
00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:48,111
...bumbling around the streets
in embarrassing shorts
512
00:24:48,195 --> 00:24:51,406
and jackets with meaningless patches
and victory medals.
513
00:24:55,911 --> 00:24:58,497
Driving four miles an hour,
20 feet at a time,
514
00:24:58,580 --> 00:25:01,208
on the wrong side
of a mentally handicapped Jeep.
515
00:25:01,291 --> 00:25:02,584
[audience laughs]
516
00:25:02,667 --> 00:25:04,002
They always have this emotional,
517
00:25:04,085 --> 00:25:06,588
financial meltdown
every three and half years
518
00:25:06,671 --> 00:25:10,592
that their business model from 1630
isn't working anymore.
519
00:25:11,092 --> 00:25:12,844
[audience laughs and cheers]
520
00:25:12,928 --> 00:25:14,971
"How are we going to catch up?"
521
00:25:16,556 --> 00:25:20,310
I cannot understand
how a 21st-century information system
522
00:25:20,393 --> 00:25:23,230
based on licking, walking,
523
00:25:23,939 --> 00:25:26,107
and a random number of pennies...
524
00:25:26,399 --> 00:25:28,985
is struggling to compete.
525
00:25:29,069 --> 00:25:30,445
[audience laughs and applauds]
526
00:25:31,029 --> 00:25:35,116
They always push the postmaster general
out on TV to explain their difficulties.
527
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,410
He's all freaked out,
rings under his eyes,
528
00:25:37,494 --> 00:25:39,371
no shave, pullin' all-nighters.
529
00:25:39,829 --> 00:25:42,457
[panting]
"We can't keep it up much longer.
530
00:25:43,708 --> 00:25:47,254
Looks like we're gonna have to go up
another penny on the stamps!"
531
00:25:47,337 --> 00:25:49,005
[audience laughs]
532
00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:54,594
We're sittin' at home, "No, dude, relax.
533
00:25:54,678 --> 00:25:57,013
We don't even know
how much a stamp is anyway.
534
00:25:58,890 --> 00:26:02,811
Forty-eight, 53, 61... Make it a buck,
you're gonna get there.
535
00:26:04,479 --> 00:26:06,439
If it ends up
you got some money left over,
536
00:26:06,523 --> 00:26:08,608
buy yourself some pants and a real car."
537
00:26:08,692 --> 00:26:10,402
[audience laughs and applauds]
538
00:26:11,152 --> 00:26:13,655
I would say to the Postal Service,
539
00:26:14,322 --> 00:26:17,284
"If you actually wanted to be helpful
to us,
540
00:26:17,492 --> 00:26:18,910
just open the letters,
541
00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:22,330
read 'em, and e-mail us what it says!
542
00:26:22,414 --> 00:26:23,748
[audience laughs and applauds]
543
00:26:24,332 --> 00:26:25,417
[chuckles]
544
00:26:27,419 --> 00:26:29,421
[audience continues cheering]
545
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,050
We'll give you a penny
for each one you do...
546
00:26:34,134 --> 00:26:35,134
[audience laughs]
547
00:26:35,135 --> 00:26:38,763
...since that seems to be a lot of money
in your world."
548
00:26:41,766 --> 00:26:43,018
But we are all human.
549
00:26:44,894 --> 00:26:45,894
Human.
550
00:26:47,105 --> 00:26:50,191
The human is a social species,
as we can see.
551
00:26:51,067 --> 00:26:52,652
We tend to congregate,
552
00:26:53,153 --> 00:26:56,656
aggregate, and coagulate together.
553
00:26:57,616 --> 00:26:59,159
We live here in New York City.
554
00:26:59,826 --> 00:27:01,745
- That makes no sense.
- [audience chuckles]
555
00:27:02,412 --> 00:27:04,539
If you take a plane out of New York,
556
00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,625
and you look down at the city,
557
00:27:06,708 --> 00:27:09,210
what do you see around the city?
558
00:27:09,628 --> 00:27:12,631
Why, there's nothing but empty, open,
beautiful, rolling land out there.
559
00:27:13,214 --> 00:27:14,507
Nobody's there!
560
00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:17,552
"Let's pack in here, tight!"
561
00:27:17,636 --> 00:27:18,636
[audience laughing]
562
00:27:18,678 --> 00:27:22,098
Uncomfortable, on top of each other,
traffic, congestion!
563
00:27:23,141 --> 00:27:24,643
That's what we like!
564
00:27:26,144 --> 00:27:28,605
Human beings like to be close together
565
00:27:28,855 --> 00:27:32,484
because it makes it easier for us
to judge and criticize...
566
00:27:32,567 --> 00:27:34,694
[audience laughs]
567
00:27:34,778 --> 00:27:38,156
...the personalities
and activities of these humans.
568
00:27:38,406 --> 00:27:42,494
We like to give our thoughts,
our comments, our opinions.
569
00:27:42,661 --> 00:27:44,663
Sometimes, we run out of opinions.
570
00:27:44,788 --> 00:27:45,830
We make them up.
571
00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:47,040
[audience chuckles]
572
00:27:47,123 --> 00:27:48,166
"It is what it is"
573
00:27:48,249 --> 00:27:52,003
is a very popular opinion statement
nowadays.
574
00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:54,673
I'm sure some idiot said it to you today.
575
00:27:55,340 --> 00:27:57,550
You can't get through a day
without somebody going,
576
00:27:57,634 --> 00:28:00,053
"Well, it is what it is."
577
00:28:01,471 --> 00:28:04,349
Why are you alive?
578
00:28:04,432 --> 00:28:06,434
[audience laughs]
579
00:28:07,310 --> 00:28:12,273
To just say air words that fill the room
with meaningless sounds?
580
00:28:13,149 --> 00:28:16,528
I'd rather someone blew clear air
into my face
581
00:28:16,611 --> 00:28:19,406
than said, "It is what it is"
to me one more time.
582
00:28:19,864 --> 00:28:22,200
Just... just come up to me and go...
[blows air]
583
00:28:22,283 --> 00:28:24,285
[audience laughs]
584
00:28:25,161 --> 00:28:27,205
'Cause I get the same data from that!
585
00:28:29,249 --> 00:28:31,418
People like to say those things.
"It is what it is."
586
00:28:31,501 --> 00:28:34,379
You see,
if you repeat a word twice in a sentence,
587
00:28:34,462 --> 00:28:36,142
you can say that with a lot of confidence.
588
00:28:36,172 --> 00:28:37,716
"Business is business."
589
00:28:37,799 --> 00:28:39,342
[audience laughing]
590
00:28:39,426 --> 00:28:40,635
"Rules are rules."
591
00:28:42,929 --> 00:28:43,930
"Deal's a deal."
592
00:28:44,931 --> 00:28:45,931
"When we go in there,
593
00:28:45,932 --> 00:28:48,184
as long as we know what's what
and who's who,
594
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,146
whatever happens, happens,
and it is what it is."
595
00:28:51,229 --> 00:28:53,648
[audience laughs and applauds]
596
00:28:53,732 --> 00:28:55,734
- [cheering]
- [man] Jerry!
597
00:29:02,449 --> 00:29:05,368
We also like to say things
to make ourselves feel better.
598
00:29:06,161 --> 00:29:08,705
"Well, at least he died
doin' something that he loved."
599
00:29:08,788 --> 00:29:09,788
[audience chuckles]
600
00:29:10,123 --> 00:29:11,416
Yeah, well, okay...
601
00:29:12,333 --> 00:29:14,627
- but he's not doin' that anymore.
- [audience laughs]
602
00:29:16,838 --> 00:29:20,091
Also, not sure how in love with it
he would still be...
603
00:29:21,509 --> 00:29:23,511
after the very negative outcome.
604
00:29:25,180 --> 00:29:27,098
I'd like to die
doin' somethin' that I hate
605
00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:29,559
like cleaning
a row of outdoor Porta Pottis.
606
00:29:31,519 --> 00:29:34,439
Clutch my chest, drop the brush,
keel over, and go,
607
00:29:34,564 --> 00:29:36,691
"Fantastic. At least I'm done with that."
608
00:29:36,775 --> 00:29:39,027
[audience laughs and applauds]
609
00:29:45,074 --> 00:29:46,701
And when one does have occasion
610
00:29:46,785 --> 00:29:50,997
to avail oneself of one of these portable,
plastic, outdoor public toilets,
611
00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:54,918
that's a very different place
than any other place you go in life,
612
00:29:55,001 --> 00:29:57,629
and you're a little different, too,
when you come out.
613
00:29:58,379 --> 00:30:00,590
A little shook up, like a combat veteran
614
00:30:00,673 --> 00:30:02,759
or somebody that works
at a trauma center.
615
00:30:03,635 --> 00:30:05,595
"You all right?" "Yeah, no, I'm fine.
616
00:30:05,678 --> 00:30:06,930
[audience chuckles]
617
00:30:07,013 --> 00:30:09,098
I just need some time. I'll be all right.
618
00:30:10,225 --> 00:30:11,351
I'm gonna take a walk.
619
00:30:11,434 --> 00:30:13,770
I need to think... about my life.
620
00:30:13,853 --> 00:30:17,649
It just doesn't feel like it's goin'
in the direction I wanted it to go."
621
00:30:18,733 --> 00:30:22,654
And by the way, never marry anyone
that comes out of one of these bathrooms
622
00:30:22,987 --> 00:30:25,031
and goes, "It's not that bad in there."
623
00:30:25,114 --> 00:30:26,199
[audience laughs]
624
00:30:29,244 --> 00:30:30,954
Do not marry that person.
625
00:30:31,746 --> 00:30:35,500
You have a lot of fantastic qualities.
You will eventually meet someone.
626
00:30:35,792 --> 00:30:38,378
Do not settle for
an individual of this caliber.
627
00:30:40,421 --> 00:30:42,507
Because it's very easy to use
these bathrooms.
628
00:30:42,590 --> 00:30:45,885
I always find the spring tension
on the door
629
00:30:46,094 --> 00:30:49,138
to be a little lighter
than I thought it was gonna be.
630
00:30:50,139 --> 00:30:52,392
The door opens so easily, so welcoming.
631
00:30:52,475 --> 00:30:54,310
"Come on in. We have something for you."
632
00:30:54,394 --> 00:30:55,687
[audience laughs]
633
00:30:55,770 --> 00:30:58,982
A place to relieve yourself
in exchange for a mental image picture
634
00:30:59,065 --> 00:31:01,025
that will cause you to twitch
in your sleep
635
00:31:01,109 --> 00:31:03,069
every night for a year and a half...
636
00:31:04,237 --> 00:31:05,697
with PTSD:
637
00:31:07,031 --> 00:31:09,868
"Portable Toilet Spring Door."
638
00:31:09,951 --> 00:31:12,036
[audience laughs]
639
00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:14,747
I don't even know
how they're allowed to call it a bathroom.
640
00:31:14,831 --> 00:31:18,501
It's not a bath... You're... you're crapping
in a hole with a box over it.
641
00:31:19,419 --> 00:31:20,670
It's beastly!
642
00:31:21,838 --> 00:31:23,298
It's hyena living!
643
00:31:24,507 --> 00:31:27,570
You wanna do that thing your dog does
after going to the bathroom in the grass.
644
00:31:27,594 --> 00:31:29,262
You know that little move they make?
645
00:31:30,054 --> 00:31:32,849
You wanna do that
after you've used one of these things.
646
00:31:34,058 --> 00:31:35,059
"Why you doin' that?"
647
00:31:35,143 --> 00:31:38,354
"I'm tryin' to get the last few minutes
outta my mind. That's all."
648
00:31:38,438 --> 00:31:40,815
[audience laughs]
649
00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:43,026
[Jerry] You're a great audience.
This is really fun.
650
00:31:43,109 --> 00:31:45,111
Thank you so much for bein' here.
651
00:31:45,194 --> 00:31:48,072
[audience cheers]
652
00:31:48,156 --> 00:31:49,866
- [man] Hey, Jerry!
- Dude.
653
00:31:50,491 --> 00:31:52,327
[audience laughs]
654
00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:53,328
All right.
655
00:31:53,329 --> 00:31:56,915
Let's change gears at this point
in our lovely time together here.
656
00:31:57,332 --> 00:32:00,293
So, those are things
that I see in the outside world.
657
00:32:00,376 --> 00:32:03,212
Now, I wanna take you
into Jerry's little world...
658
00:32:03,588 --> 00:32:08,968
and give you a little perspective
on what's going on in my personal life.
659
00:32:09,052 --> 00:32:12,472
First, I will give you the basic numbers.
Everybody likes the numbers.
660
00:32:12,555 --> 00:32:14,724
I'm 65 years old.
661
00:32:14,807 --> 00:32:18,227
- I apologize for the shock value...
- [audience cheers]
662
00:32:18,311 --> 00:32:19,479
...of that number.
663
00:32:19,562 --> 00:32:22,148
I am married for 19 years.
664
00:32:22,231 --> 00:32:23,650
I have three kids.
665
00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:26,569
My oldest is my daughter.
I have two younger boys.
666
00:32:26,653 --> 00:32:28,655
I love being in my sixties.
667
00:32:28,738 --> 00:32:31,491
It's my favorite decade of human life
so far.
668
00:32:31,574 --> 00:32:34,369
When you're in your sixties,
people ask you to do somethin',
669
00:32:34,452 --> 00:32:36,537
- you just say no.
- [audience laughs]
670
00:32:40,375 --> 00:32:43,169
No reason, no excuse, no explanation.
671
00:32:44,379 --> 00:32:47,131
I can't wait for my seventies.
I don't even think I'll answer.
672
00:32:47,215 --> 00:32:50,343
[audience laughs and applauds]
673
00:32:50,426 --> 00:32:53,471
I've seen those people. You just wave
when you're in your seventies.
674
00:32:53,805 --> 00:32:56,224
"Hey, you wanna check out
that flea market?"
675
00:32:57,600 --> 00:32:59,978
[audience laughing and applauding]
676
00:33:06,484 --> 00:33:08,027
I like this time.
677
00:33:08,945 --> 00:33:09,988
It's relaxing.
678
00:33:10,530 --> 00:33:14,242
I don't wanna grow. I don't wanna change.
I don't want to improve in anything.
679
00:33:14,325 --> 00:33:16,703
I don't want to expand my interests,
680
00:33:16,786 --> 00:33:19,998
meet anyone, or learn anything
I don't already know.
681
00:33:20,081 --> 00:33:22,291
[audience cheers and applauds]
682
00:33:22,375 --> 00:33:24,460
I don't lie in restaurants anymore.
683
00:33:24,544 --> 00:33:26,754
"How is everything?"
"I don't like it here."
684
00:33:26,838 --> 00:33:28,840
[audience laughs and applauds]
685
00:33:31,300 --> 00:33:33,261
"Want the check?"
"No, I intend to press charges.
686
00:33:33,344 --> 00:33:34,387
This is outrageous."
687
00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:41,310
I don't like to turn around. Like,
if I'm walkin' down the street like this...
688
00:33:41,394 --> 00:33:43,187
"Jerry, check this out.
You gotta see this."
689
00:33:43,271 --> 00:33:45,582
This move. I don't...
I don't like doing this thing anymore.
690
00:33:45,606 --> 00:33:46,899
I just don't wanna do it.
691
00:33:46,983 --> 00:33:47,984
"You gotta see this."
692
00:33:48,067 --> 00:33:50,069
- "I disagree."
- [audience chuckles]
693
00:33:50,903 --> 00:33:52,822
I don't feel old, I don't feel tired;
694
00:33:52,905 --> 00:33:54,657
I've just seen a lot of things.
695
00:33:55,283 --> 00:33:57,403
I'll see it on the way back,
when it's in front of me.
696
00:33:57,452 --> 00:33:58,452
How 'bout that?
697
00:33:59,537 --> 00:34:00,537
Or I won't see it.
698
00:34:00,580 --> 00:34:01,538
Or I'll Google it.
699
00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:02,539
Or I'll just assume
700
00:34:02,540 --> 00:34:05,293
it's probably a lot like something else
I've already seen.
701
00:34:05,376 --> 00:34:07,211
[audience laughs and applauds]
702
00:34:08,171 --> 00:34:10,091
A lot of people around my age
make a bucket list.
703
00:34:10,173 --> 00:34:11,089
I made a bucket list,
704
00:34:11,090 --> 00:34:13,634
and I turned the b to an f,
and I was done with that, too.
705
00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:15,970
[audience laughing and cheering]
706
00:34:19,849 --> 00:34:21,851
I just want you to have that option.
707
00:34:22,351 --> 00:34:24,729
You can either check off all your items...
708
00:34:24,979 --> 00:34:26,606
or change one letter at the top,
709
00:34:26,689 --> 00:34:28,399
you're in a La-Z-Boy,
watchin' a ball game.
710
00:34:28,483 --> 00:34:30,485
[audience laughs]
711
00:34:31,110 --> 00:34:34,614
I got married late in life.
I was 45. I had some issues.
712
00:34:36,282 --> 00:34:38,701
I was enjoying those issues quite a bit,
as I recall.
713
00:34:38,785 --> 00:34:39,786
[audience laughs]
714
00:34:40,578 --> 00:34:43,956
When I was single, I had married friends.
I would not visit their homes.
715
00:34:44,749 --> 00:34:47,627
I found their lives to be pathetic
and depressing.
716
00:34:48,544 --> 00:34:50,797
Now that I'm married,
I have no single friends.
717
00:34:51,380 --> 00:34:54,509
I find their lives to be meaningless
and trivial experiences.
718
00:34:55,009 --> 00:34:57,220
In both cases, I believe I was correct.
719
00:34:57,303 --> 00:34:58,930
[audience laughs]
720
00:34:59,013 --> 00:35:01,057
Whichever side of marriage you're on,
721
00:35:01,140 --> 00:35:03,601
you don't get
what the other people are doing.
722
00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:05,520
I can't hang out with single guys.
723
00:35:05,603 --> 00:35:07,855
You don't have a wife,
we have nothing to talk about.
724
00:35:08,106 --> 00:35:10,817
You have a girlfriend?
That's Wiffle ball, my friend.
725
00:35:12,527 --> 00:35:13,986
You're playing paintball war;
726
00:35:14,070 --> 00:35:16,405
I'm in Afghanistan
with real, loaded weapons.
727
00:35:16,739 --> 00:35:18,741
[audience laughs]
728
00:35:20,868 --> 00:35:24,455
Married guys play with full clips
and live rounds.
729
00:35:26,290 --> 00:35:27,708
This is not a drill.
730
00:35:27,792 --> 00:35:29,418
[audience laughs]
731
00:35:29,836 --> 00:35:33,089
Single guy's sitting on a merry-go-round,
blowin' on a pinwheel!
732
00:35:34,799 --> 00:35:37,552
I'm drivin' a truck full of nitro
down a dirt road.
733
00:35:37,635 --> 00:35:39,637
[audience laughing]
734
00:35:41,097 --> 00:35:42,223
[blows air]
735
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:46,821
You single guys here tonight,
looking at me,
736
00:35:46,853 --> 00:35:49,147
"Hey, Jerry, what if I wanna be
a married guy like you?
737
00:35:49,230 --> 00:35:51,649
What do I gotta have
if I wanna be a married guy?"
738
00:35:52,024 --> 00:35:54,610
I'll tell you.
You better have some answers, buddy.
739
00:35:55,444 --> 00:35:57,697
You better have some answers
for that woman.
740
00:35:58,531 --> 00:36:00,616
Women have a lot of questions.
741
00:36:01,617 --> 00:36:03,035
Their brains are strong,
742
00:36:03,327 --> 00:36:05,621
active, and on high alert at all times.
743
00:36:07,039 --> 00:36:08,749
You're sleeping. She's researching.
744
00:36:08,916 --> 00:36:12,295
[audience laughs and applauds]
745
00:36:12,753 --> 00:36:13,880
[chuckles]
746
00:36:15,798 --> 00:36:18,134
The female brain is cookin' all the time!
747
00:36:20,344 --> 00:36:22,180
The female brain
is one of the most competent
748
00:36:22,263 --> 00:36:24,974
and capable organs
in all of the biological universe.
749
00:36:25,057 --> 00:36:26,058
Girl power.
750
00:36:26,142 --> 00:36:28,436
[audience cheers]
751
00:36:28,519 --> 00:36:29,812
You're goddamn right.
752
00:36:30,146 --> 00:36:32,690
There's nothing
the female brain cannot do.
753
00:36:33,107 --> 00:36:36,485
It will solve all problems of earth
754
00:36:36,569 --> 00:36:37,945
and... life.
755
00:36:38,029 --> 00:36:39,614
Having completed that,
756
00:36:39,697 --> 00:36:41,532
it will move on to the hypothetical.
757
00:36:41,616 --> 00:36:43,784
[audience laughs and applauds]
758
00:36:50,249 --> 00:36:52,543
Theoretical situations...
759
00:36:53,252 --> 00:36:55,129
that may or may not occur.
760
00:36:58,341 --> 00:37:03,429
The female needs to know
how you might respond.
761
00:37:07,433 --> 00:37:10,353
"If you faked your own death,
and I found out about it,
762
00:37:10,436 --> 00:37:12,188
what would you say then?"
763
00:37:12,271 --> 00:37:14,273
[audience laughs]
764
00:37:18,110 --> 00:37:19,904
[chuckling]
"What are we talkin' about now?"
765
00:37:19,987 --> 00:37:21,030
[audience laughs]
766
00:37:22,240 --> 00:37:25,201
"Oh, I dreamt the whole thing last night,
so don't deny it."
767
00:37:25,284 --> 00:37:27,995
[audience chuckles]
768
00:37:29,497 --> 00:37:31,332
Being married is like being
on a game show,
769
00:37:31,415 --> 00:37:33,167
and you're always in the lightning round.
770
00:37:34,710 --> 00:37:37,964
I went out and bought a game-show podium.
I set it up in my living room.
771
00:37:38,047 --> 00:37:40,925
I wake up in the morning,
and I stand behind the podium,
772
00:37:41,050 --> 00:37:44,553
tryin' to answer all my wife's questions
and get on with the goddamn day.
773
00:37:44,637 --> 00:37:46,222
[audience laughs and applauds]
774
00:37:46,847 --> 00:37:48,349
I got a hand button-clicker.
775
00:37:48,808 --> 00:37:51,686
"I'll take 'Movies
I Think We Saw Together' for 200."
776
00:37:51,769 --> 00:37:53,771
[audience laughing]
777
00:37:54,605 --> 00:37:57,775
My wife, of course,
is the returning champion from last week.
778
00:37:58,818 --> 00:38:00,861
"I'll take
'Details of a Ten-Minute Conversation
779
00:38:00,945 --> 00:38:03,489
We Had at Three O'Clock in the Morning
Eight Years Ago.'
780
00:38:08,536 --> 00:38:11,455
And I would like to bet
everything I have on that, Alex.
781
00:38:14,417 --> 00:38:16,127
I'm going for the win right here."
782
00:38:17,336 --> 00:38:19,046
The husband, of course, never has a clue.
783
00:38:19,130 --> 00:38:22,383
"I'm sorry, sir.
You did not win the weekend sex package...
784
00:38:22,466 --> 00:38:23,551
[audience laughs]
785
00:38:23,634 --> 00:38:26,220
...or the guilt-free
televised sporting event.
786
00:38:27,471 --> 00:38:30,766
Thank you for playing.
Are you even listening to me?
787
00:38:30,850 --> 00:38:32,184
[audience chuckles]
788
00:38:32,268 --> 00:38:34,148
And don't forget to take
that big bag of garbage
789
00:38:34,186 --> 00:38:35,266
with you on your way out...
790
00:38:35,813 --> 00:38:36,981
of the studio."
791
00:38:37,064 --> 00:38:39,734
[audience applauding and cheering]
792
00:38:39,817 --> 00:38:41,444
[woman whoops]
793
00:38:46,324 --> 00:38:49,702
One of the things I did not know
before I got married
794
00:38:49,785 --> 00:38:51,495
that I found out after I got married
795
00:38:51,579 --> 00:38:53,299
is that
every single day of my married life,
796
00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:55,750
I would be discussing
the tone of my voice.
797
00:38:55,833 --> 00:38:57,543
[audience laughs]
798
00:38:58,919 --> 00:39:00,713
I was not aware, as a single man,
799
00:39:00,796 --> 00:39:04,425
that I so often speak
in the incorrect tone.
800
00:39:04,508 --> 00:39:07,053
[audience laughs and applauds]
801
00:39:07,136 --> 00:39:09,889
I thought it was a marriage.
Apparently, it's a musical.
802
00:39:12,016 --> 00:39:14,894
I walk around the house with one
of those round, black glee-club things.
803
00:39:14,977 --> 00:39:17,521
[imitates low note playing on pitch pipe]
804
00:39:17,772 --> 00:39:18,856
How 'bout that one?
805
00:39:20,983 --> 00:39:23,402
[imitates higher note playing
on pitch pipe]
806
00:39:23,944 --> 00:39:25,529
Am I gettin' closer?
807
00:39:25,613 --> 00:39:26,613
[audience laughs]
808
00:39:27,823 --> 00:39:29,742
"It's your tone." "My tone?"
"Yes, your tone."
809
00:39:29,825 --> 00:39:33,871
"What's wrong with my tone?"
"I don't like your tone."
810
00:39:35,664 --> 00:39:38,042
"What do you want me to...?"
"You better change your tone!"
811
00:39:40,711 --> 00:39:41,711
Ever heard that?
812
00:39:42,671 --> 00:39:44,799
And women are correct, as they always are.
813
00:39:45,549 --> 00:39:50,388
The male tone changes
over the course of the relationship.
814
00:39:50,471 --> 00:39:53,474
In the beginning,
as the male pursues the female,
815
00:39:53,808 --> 00:39:56,685
in the courting or flirting phase,
816
00:39:56,769 --> 00:39:58,604
we speak two octaves higher.
817
00:39:58,687 --> 00:40:00,523
We raise our voice two octaves.
818
00:40:00,606 --> 00:40:02,926
[in high-pitched voice]
We talk like this in the beginning.
819
00:40:04,443 --> 00:40:06,737
Because Chinese food
or Italian sounds great.
820
00:40:06,821 --> 00:40:08,823
[audience chuckles]
821
00:40:10,324 --> 00:40:12,952
[in higher pitch] Maybe we'll take a drive
or go for a walk.
822
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:19,083
[in normal voice] My actual speaking voice
that I am using right now
823
00:40:19,375 --> 00:40:21,335
to communicate with you
824
00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:24,380
is not welcome in my house.
825
00:40:24,463 --> 00:40:27,049
[audience laughs]
826
00:40:27,133 --> 00:40:29,176
That's why I'm out here talkin' to you.
827
00:40:29,844 --> 00:40:31,846
[audience applauds]
828
00:40:38,144 --> 00:40:40,187
Do you think that I talk like this...
829
00:40:40,646 --> 00:40:43,065
in my house, with this authority?
830
00:40:43,524 --> 00:40:46,068
[audience laughs]
831
00:40:46,527 --> 00:40:50,448
The little edge in my voice?
You think I speak like that in my house?
832
00:40:52,158 --> 00:40:53,116
I do not.
833
00:40:53,117 --> 00:40:54,660
- [audience laughs]
- [chuckles]
834
00:40:54,743 --> 00:40:57,037
If I walked into my own house,
835
00:40:57,121 --> 00:41:00,624
which I paid for, by the way.
Not relevant, just wanted to mention it.
836
00:41:00,708 --> 00:41:01,708
[audience laughs]
837
00:41:04,962 --> 00:41:06,922
If I said, like this...
838
00:41:07,006 --> 00:41:08,007
If I said,
839
00:41:08,799 --> 00:41:10,384
"I gotta get somethin' to eat!"
840
00:41:12,595 --> 00:41:15,764
If I said it like that...
First of all, any guy I know would say,
841
00:41:16,182 --> 00:41:19,018
"Eat whatever the hell you want.
I don't care what you eat."
842
00:41:19,727 --> 00:41:22,771
Any woman will say,
"Why are you yelling at me?"
843
00:41:22,855 --> 00:41:24,899
[audience laughs]
844
00:41:25,316 --> 00:41:26,692
"I'm not yelling!
845
00:41:27,985 --> 00:41:29,236
I'm just hungry!"
846
00:41:30,613 --> 00:41:31,864
And then the fight breaks out,
847
00:41:31,947 --> 00:41:34,492
and when the fight breaks out,
now you're white-water kayaking.
848
00:41:34,575 --> 00:41:37,536
You got a plastic helmet on.
You're goin' under. You're poppin' up.
849
00:41:37,620 --> 00:41:38,704
Just keep paddling.
850
00:41:38,787 --> 00:41:40,789
[audience laughing]
851
00:41:43,125 --> 00:41:45,044
That's when the woman's
tone of voice changes.
852
00:41:45,127 --> 00:41:46,795
Yes, the women are included in this, too.
853
00:41:46,879 --> 00:41:49,965
All women, at some point
in every argument with the man,
854
00:41:50,049 --> 00:41:52,760
like to imitate the voice of the man.
855
00:41:53,135 --> 00:41:56,180
In the amazing organizational system
that women have,
856
00:41:56,263 --> 00:41:59,725
they have all somehow worked out
to do the same impression.
857
00:41:59,808 --> 00:42:02,454
[in low voice] "You always say,
'Oh no, I can't do things like that.
858
00:42:02,478 --> 00:42:04,230
That's not what I said I was gonna do.'
859
00:42:04,313 --> 00:42:06,524
You said, 'I might go.'
You said, 'Definitely go.'
860
00:42:06,607 --> 00:42:09,568
'Oh, I don't think... I don't think
that I'd feel comfortable.'
861
00:42:09,652 --> 00:42:12,363
You go, 'Oh, with your friends.
We're goin' with your friends.'
862
00:42:12,446 --> 00:42:14,446
It's not like my friends.
With my friends, you say,
863
00:42:14,490 --> 00:42:16,909
'Oh, I don't think that I could...'"
[mumbling]
864
00:42:17,409 --> 00:42:19,089
[in normal voice]
Who the hell is this guy?
865
00:42:19,161 --> 00:42:21,080
[audience laughs]
866
00:42:21,622 --> 00:42:23,040
Where did you see this guy?
867
00:42:25,209 --> 00:42:27,044
I never heard anyone talk like this.
868
00:42:28,045 --> 00:42:30,205
[in low voice]
"That's because you don't hear yourself.
869
00:42:30,256 --> 00:42:31,715
You should hear how you sound.
870
00:42:31,799 --> 00:42:34,218
You go, 'Oh, I don't think... You know.'"
871
00:42:34,301 --> 00:42:36,136
[audience laughing and clapping]
872
00:42:36,220 --> 00:42:38,722
[in normal voice]
It reminds me of that Lollipop Guild guy:
873
00:42:38,806 --> 00:42:42,476
[in low voice]
♪ Oh, we represent the Lollipop Guild ♪
874
00:42:45,479 --> 00:42:47,481
[audience cheering]
875
00:42:51,777 --> 00:42:53,779
[Jerry, in normal voice]
It's all about listening.
876
00:42:54,488 --> 00:42:55,823
Want some marriage advice?
877
00:42:56,365 --> 00:42:57,700
Ya better listen up!
878
00:42:57,783 --> 00:42:59,368
[audience chuckles]
879
00:42:59,827 --> 00:43:03,080
A lot of wives complain
that their husbands do not listen.
880
00:43:04,290 --> 00:43:06,875
I have never heard my wife say this.
She may have.
881
00:43:06,959 --> 00:43:08,711
[audience laughs]
882
00:43:09,378 --> 00:43:10,671
I don't know, but...
883
00:43:11,922 --> 00:43:14,258
here's what I do know.
884
00:43:16,010 --> 00:43:19,179
Ladies, your husband
wants to make you happy.
885
00:43:20,264 --> 00:43:21,932
He's workin' on it!
886
00:43:23,851 --> 00:43:24,851
He's planning it.
887
00:43:25,436 --> 00:43:27,271
He's thinking about it every second.
888
00:43:28,731 --> 00:43:29,857
He cannot do it.
889
00:43:29,940 --> 00:43:30,940
[audience laughs]
890
00:43:31,650 --> 00:43:32,943
He cannot do it.
891
00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:36,739
He does not know how to do it.
892
00:43:38,365 --> 00:43:39,825
Sometimes, we do it.
893
00:43:40,534 --> 00:43:42,077
We don't know how we did it.
894
00:43:42,161 --> 00:43:44,455
[audience laughs]
895
00:43:44,747 --> 00:43:47,207
We can't ask, "What did I do?"
896
00:43:48,667 --> 00:43:51,086
That looks like you don't know
what you're doing.
897
00:43:52,921 --> 00:43:54,214
Can't do nothing.
898
00:43:54,923 --> 00:43:57,301
Woman says,
"I can't believe you're doing this."
899
00:43:57,885 --> 00:43:59,219
Man says, "Doing what?"
900
00:44:00,638 --> 00:44:01,805
Woman starts crying.
901
00:44:03,223 --> 00:44:04,933
Man says, "I didn't do anything."
902
00:44:06,060 --> 00:44:07,269
Woman says, "Exactly."
903
00:44:07,394 --> 00:44:10,856
[audience laughs and applauds]
904
00:44:10,939 --> 00:44:12,733
So, it's a bit of a chess game, isn't it?
905
00:44:13,317 --> 00:44:15,361
Except, the board is flowing water...
906
00:44:16,945 --> 00:44:18,822
and all the chess pieces
907
00:44:19,156 --> 00:44:20,324
are made of smoke.
908
00:44:20,407 --> 00:44:21,742
[audience laughing]
909
00:44:24,078 --> 00:44:26,914
[audience applauding and cheering]
910
00:44:34,463 --> 00:44:37,341
And you're not alone.
Don't ever forget that in marriage.
911
00:44:37,424 --> 00:44:39,885
Society, culture, technology, even,
912
00:44:39,968 --> 00:44:43,055
is helping you
on your journey of marriage.
913
00:44:43,138 --> 00:44:44,640
In your car, for example,
914
00:44:44,723 --> 00:44:47,726
dual-zone, separate buttons,
on each side,
915
00:44:48,268 --> 00:44:50,354
climate control systems.
916
00:44:50,813 --> 00:44:53,982
Gee, I wonder if it was a married person
that thought of that...
917
00:44:56,068 --> 00:44:58,904
and thought, "Hey,
this could potentially come in handy
918
00:44:59,446 --> 00:45:01,657
if you're with someone
you're legally bound to
919
00:45:01,740 --> 00:45:03,033
for the rest of your life
920
00:45:03,325 --> 00:45:05,411
and you need them to shut the hell up."
921
00:45:07,121 --> 00:45:09,498
"I'm freezin'! I'm roastin'! I'm boilin'!
922
00:45:11,333 --> 00:45:12,710
It's blowin' on me!"
923
00:45:14,670 --> 00:45:17,131
When my wife says, "The air is on me,"
924
00:45:17,297 --> 00:45:21,385
it is the equivalent of a normal person
saying, "A bear is on me."
925
00:45:21,468 --> 00:45:22,468
[audience laughs]
926
00:45:24,054 --> 00:45:25,681
That's the emergency level.
927
00:45:27,349 --> 00:45:29,143
And I respond at that level, too.
928
00:45:29,768 --> 00:45:31,645
"Oh, my God.
An evil breeze from a hostile vent
929
00:45:31,729 --> 00:45:33,397
is attacking my mate and life partner,
930
00:45:33,480 --> 00:45:35,941
who incidentally bore me three children
without anesthesia.
931
00:45:36,024 --> 00:45:38,664
Probably could have caught
the babies herself if no one was around,
932
00:45:38,694 --> 00:45:40,279
but cannot survive a waft of air
933
00:45:40,362 --> 00:45:42,906
three degrees
off her optimum desired temperature."
934
00:45:42,990 --> 00:45:44,450
[audience laughs and applauds]
935
00:45:44,533 --> 00:45:46,535
[cheering]
936
00:45:49,455 --> 00:45:53,542
And I'm sure this stupid dual-zone thing
totally works, too,
937
00:45:53,625 --> 00:45:55,961
to keep
different-temperature air molecules
938
00:45:56,044 --> 00:45:57,379
from commingling
939
00:45:58,338 --> 00:46:02,551
inside a three-foot wide,
closed compartment of an automobile.
940
00:46:02,634 --> 00:46:04,554
Because I go to my coffee place
in the morning...
941
00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:07,848
I like to get my coffee black
on the left side of the cup,
942
00:46:07,931 --> 00:46:09,641
cream and sugar on the right,
943
00:46:11,810 --> 00:46:12,936
and that's no problem.
944
00:46:14,104 --> 00:46:15,344
Or you go to fancy restaurants.
945
00:46:15,397 --> 00:46:17,709
Sometimes they say,
"Do you want still or sparkling water?"
946
00:46:17,733 --> 00:46:19,985
I go, "Both.
Same glass, keep 'em separate.
947
00:46:20,068 --> 00:46:22,070
I do it in my car all the time."
948
00:46:26,241 --> 00:46:28,368
Here's a marriage moment I saw for real.
949
00:46:29,578 --> 00:46:32,456
Husband in the car, wife on the sidewalk.
950
00:46:32,539 --> 00:46:34,583
He's picking her up after work.
951
00:46:35,626 --> 00:46:39,880
He did not bring the car
to a full and complete stop!
952
00:46:41,465 --> 00:46:42,841
She had the door open.
953
00:46:42,925 --> 00:46:46,386
She was hopping on one foot...
954
00:46:46,470 --> 00:46:48,263
[audience laughing]
955
00:46:48,347 --> 00:46:52,267
...trying to get some kind of leverage
on the armrest of...
956
00:46:53,227 --> 00:46:56,480
You can only get one foot in a moving car.
957
00:46:58,023 --> 00:47:02,736
One can only imagine
the spirited exchange of ideas...
958
00:47:03,946 --> 00:47:07,032
that took place in that car
the rest of the drive home.
959
00:47:09,034 --> 00:47:10,452
But that's what marriage is.
960
00:47:10,661 --> 00:47:11,829
It's two people...
961
00:47:12,579 --> 00:47:16,291
trying to stay together
without saying the words "I hate you."
962
00:47:16,375 --> 00:47:19,253
[audience laughs and cheers]
963
00:47:19,711 --> 00:47:22,172
Which you're not allowed to say. Okay?
964
00:47:22,798 --> 00:47:24,174
You can't say that.
965
00:47:25,551 --> 00:47:26,802
You can feel it.
966
00:47:26,885 --> 00:47:28,846
[audience laughs]
967
00:47:28,929 --> 00:47:29,929
That's okay.
968
00:47:30,764 --> 00:47:31,890
Don't let it come...
969
00:47:31,974 --> 00:47:33,100
[slowly]...out.
970
00:47:34,017 --> 00:47:35,519
Say something else. Anything.
971
00:47:35,602 --> 00:47:38,564
Say, "Why is there never any Scotch Tape
in this goddamn house?"
972
00:47:38,647 --> 00:47:40,774
[audience laughs]
973
00:47:41,650 --> 00:47:44,528
"Scotch" is "I," "tape" is "hate,"
"house" is "you."
974
00:47:44,611 --> 00:47:46,238
[audience chuckles]
975
00:47:46,321 --> 00:47:47,406
But it's better.
976
00:47:48,448 --> 00:47:50,617
You don't say,
"I could kill you right now."
977
00:47:51,910 --> 00:47:53,996
You say, "You're so funny sometimes."
978
00:47:54,079 --> 00:47:56,081
[audience laughs]
979
00:47:59,710 --> 00:48:03,297
"So, Jerry, we would like to understand
in a little more detail
980
00:48:03,589 --> 00:48:06,008
exactly how you pulled this off,
'cause we...
981
00:48:06,091 --> 00:48:09,052
We saw that you were,
uh, just a single, regular,
982
00:48:09,136 --> 00:48:11,179
bachelor guy, 45 years.
983
00:48:11,263 --> 00:48:14,016
And then all of a sudden, you just...
You just turned on a dime.
984
00:48:14,099 --> 00:48:16,810
Marriage, wife, kids, family.
How'd you navigate that?
985
00:48:17,185 --> 00:48:18,228
How'd you acclimate?
986
00:48:18,312 --> 00:48:21,064
How did you procreate and cohabitate,
987
00:48:21,315 --> 00:48:22,774
learning to accommodate
988
00:48:23,233 --> 00:48:26,028
- so as not to aggravate?"
- [audience laughs]
989
00:48:26,778 --> 00:48:28,113
It's a very good question,
990
00:48:28,739 --> 00:48:30,908
because a man in marriage will not survive
991
00:48:31,450 --> 00:48:34,369
if he does not have
a strong brain-to-speech
992
00:48:34,453 --> 00:48:37,331
guard-gate control filtration system.
993
00:48:37,414 --> 00:48:39,041
[audience laughs]
994
00:48:39,124 --> 00:48:41,209
You don't just talk in marriage!
995
00:48:42,669 --> 00:48:43,669
It's risky.
996
00:48:43,670 --> 00:48:45,589
[audience chuckles]
997
00:48:45,672 --> 00:48:48,008
When I'm with my wife,
who I love so dearly,
998
00:48:48,592 --> 00:48:50,260
and a thought enters my head,
999
00:48:50,844 --> 00:48:54,681
the first thing I think is,
"Well, I know I can't say that."
1000
00:48:54,765 --> 00:48:56,516
[audience laughs]
1001
00:49:01,104 --> 00:49:03,482
Maybe I could say
I heard someone else say it.
1002
00:49:06,026 --> 00:49:08,946
And then she and I can share
a warm moment together,
1003
00:49:09,029 --> 00:49:11,740
agreeing on what an idiot
that person must be.
1004
00:49:14,826 --> 00:49:16,203
And we get along great.
1005
00:49:18,038 --> 00:49:19,638
So, we have three kids. I told you that.
1006
00:49:19,665 --> 00:49:21,917
We just came back
from a lovey family vacation,
1007
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:23,168
or what I like to call:
1008
00:49:23,251 --> 00:49:25,671
"Let's pay a lot of money to go fight
in a hotel."
1009
00:49:25,754 --> 00:49:26,754
[audience laughs]
1010
00:49:29,925 --> 00:49:32,219
I don't know
what the hell else we were doing.
1011
00:49:33,887 --> 00:49:35,138
Let's fight on bikes.
1012
00:49:38,350 --> 00:49:40,811
"I'm gonna kill you."
"I'm gonna kill you more."
1013
00:49:40,894 --> 00:49:42,437
[audience laughing]
1014
00:49:42,854 --> 00:49:46,233
Let's use profanity
on a pristine, white-sand beach.
1015
00:49:48,819 --> 00:49:52,280
Let's fight about how well-behaved
those other children seem to be.
1016
00:49:53,615 --> 00:49:56,243
I wonder if they were out
on the hotel balcony last night
1017
00:49:56,326 --> 00:49:58,328
with 12-dollar minibar cashews,
1018
00:49:58,412 --> 00:50:00,163
trying to hit the other guests
in the head.
1019
00:50:00,247 --> 00:50:01,915
- [clicks tongue]
- [audience laughs]
1020
00:50:09,172 --> 00:50:10,799
So, my daughter is, uh, my oldest.
1021
00:50:10,882 --> 00:50:14,219
She's 18, and she just, uh, finished
high school, went off to college.
1022
00:50:14,302 --> 00:50:18,056
Big... That's kind of a big, you know,
step when you're parents.
1023
00:50:18,140 --> 00:50:20,225
- [audience cheers and applauds]
- Thank you.
1024
00:50:21,435 --> 00:50:22,602
We did a great job.
1025
00:50:22,686 --> 00:50:25,689
She finished high school. [chuckles]
1026
00:50:26,064 --> 00:50:28,209
So, a lot of people...
You know, everybody's asking me,
1027
00:50:28,233 --> 00:50:31,194
"How do you feel, Jerry?
You know, first kid leaving the house?"
1028
00:50:31,278 --> 00:50:32,194
And I'm good.
1029
00:50:32,195 --> 00:50:34,573
I'm okay. I'm okay.
1030
00:50:34,656 --> 00:50:37,701
The way I look at it, it's like
if you somehow found a baby alligator
1031
00:50:38,035 --> 00:50:40,620
and you put it in your tub,
and everybody would...
1032
00:50:40,704 --> 00:50:43,040
"Look at this. I found this. Baby alli...
1033
00:50:43,123 --> 00:50:45,123
Look. Put your finger in his mouth.
Feel the teeth?
1034
00:50:45,167 --> 00:50:47,419
Little teeth, little bitey, bitey teeth."
1035
00:50:48,211 --> 00:50:50,839
And then time passes, and you go,
1036
00:50:51,298 --> 00:50:53,778
"You know, I think we gotta get this thing
the hell outta here.
1037
00:50:53,842 --> 00:50:54,800
[audience laughs]
1038
00:50:54,801 --> 00:50:56,845
[scattered applause]
1039
00:50:56,928 --> 00:50:58,013
This is, uh...
1040
00:50:58,555 --> 00:51:00,265
This doesn't feel right anymore.
1041
00:51:00,348 --> 00:51:03,185
This thing is... it's scary.
1042
00:51:03,268 --> 00:51:05,479
This thing needs to be out there,
1043
00:51:05,562 --> 00:51:08,982
murdering other living things
and eating them.
1044
00:51:10,233 --> 00:51:12,027
That... that's what it's supposed to do."
1045
00:51:12,110 --> 00:51:13,528
[audience applauds]
1046
00:51:14,738 --> 00:51:16,978
[Jerry] But I love being a dad.
I was there at the birth.
1047
00:51:17,032 --> 00:51:19,618
Obviously,
the most dramatic human life moment.
1048
00:51:19,701 --> 00:51:22,662
Anytime two people walk into a room,
and three come out...
1049
00:51:23,872 --> 00:51:26,374
a major event took place in that room.
1050
00:51:26,458 --> 00:51:27,458
[audience chuckles]
1051
00:51:27,793 --> 00:51:31,338
At the end of life,
we go back basically into the same room,
1052
00:51:31,755 --> 00:51:33,757
same bed, same stuff around.
1053
00:51:33,924 --> 00:51:37,427
And again,
a different number of people coming out
1054
00:51:37,511 --> 00:51:39,012
than went in,
1055
00:51:39,096 --> 00:51:41,723
but that is the human-being business.
1056
00:51:42,099 --> 00:51:44,726
We gotta turn inventory, fresh product,
1057
00:51:44,810 --> 00:51:46,686
keep the supply chain moving.
1058
00:51:47,979 --> 00:51:51,566
We gotta get 'em in. We gotta get 'em out.
That's the hospital's job.
1059
00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:54,027
It's rest, cleanliness.
1060
00:51:54,111 --> 00:51:56,321
If it doesn't work out,
we help you move on.
1061
00:51:56,988 --> 00:52:00,909
It says "hospital" when you walk in,
but it could also be "Bed Bath & Beyond."
1062
00:52:01,243 --> 00:52:03,245
[audience laughing and cheering]
1063
00:52:07,916 --> 00:52:10,460
'Cause the babies never stop coming.
Babies don't care.
1064
00:52:10,544 --> 00:52:12,712
You think babies care
that the world's a mess,
1065
00:52:12,796 --> 00:52:13,839
you have issues?
1066
00:52:13,922 --> 00:52:14,965
"We're comin' in!
1067
00:52:16,133 --> 00:52:17,592
We want in!"
1068
00:52:17,926 --> 00:52:19,719
They come in
like racks of fresh doughnuts.
1069
00:52:19,803 --> 00:52:23,181
More babies. More babies.
More babies. [panting]
1070
00:52:24,057 --> 00:52:25,057
Why are they here?
1071
00:52:26,268 --> 00:52:27,978
They are here to replace us.
1072
00:52:28,061 --> 00:52:30,230
- [audience chuckles]
- That is their mission.
1073
00:52:30,897 --> 00:52:33,984
Don't you see what's happening?
1074
00:52:35,485 --> 00:52:36,945
They're pushing us out.
1075
00:52:37,904 --> 00:52:40,323
Their first words are "mama," "dada,"
1076
00:52:40,407 --> 00:52:41,407
and "buh-bye."
1077
00:52:41,449 --> 00:52:42,784
[audience laughs]
1078
00:52:45,829 --> 00:52:49,124
"Oh, we'll see who's wearing the diapers
when this is all over."
1079
00:52:49,207 --> 00:52:52,586
[audience laughs and applauds]
1080
00:52:52,669 --> 00:52:54,546
That's what the babies are thinking.
1081
00:52:56,131 --> 00:52:59,009
But again,
the father, struggling to keep pace.
1082
00:52:59,092 --> 00:53:03,680
Moms that are here,
we want to be what you want us to be.
1083
00:53:03,763 --> 00:53:05,182
We can't do it!
1084
00:53:05,265 --> 00:53:06,558
[audience laughs]
1085
00:53:06,641 --> 00:53:07,976
We want to do it.
1086
00:53:08,185 --> 00:53:11,730
[stammering] The baby's born. I remember...
It's just the most amazing thing.
1087
00:53:11,813 --> 00:53:14,357
For the female,
just these instincts just kick in.
1088
00:53:15,442 --> 00:53:18,320
- For the man, nothing kicks in.
- [audience laughs]
1089
00:53:20,405 --> 00:53:22,365
He's just the same guy, standin' there.
1090
00:53:22,449 --> 00:53:24,451
[audience chuckles]
1091
00:53:27,412 --> 00:53:30,457
It was years into my children's lives,
I'd see them staring at me
1092
00:53:30,540 --> 00:53:32,709
from across the room
like they were gonna come and say,
1093
00:53:33,126 --> 00:53:34,961
"I'm sorry, is someone helping you?
1094
00:53:35,045 --> 00:53:37,047
[audience laughs]
1095
00:53:40,175 --> 00:53:43,261
Mom, the horsey-ride guy is here again.
Do we need anything?"
1096
00:53:45,805 --> 00:53:49,184
Avoidance is the male domestic instinct.
1097
00:53:49,267 --> 00:53:52,103
Golf, the ultimate avoidance activity.
1098
00:53:52,187 --> 00:53:53,939
A game so nonsensically difficult,
1099
00:53:54,022 --> 00:53:56,149
so pointless, so irrational,
so time-consuming,
1100
00:53:56,233 --> 00:53:59,027
the world "golf"
could only possibly stand for:
1101
00:53:59,110 --> 00:54:00,904
"get out, leave family."
1102
00:54:03,323 --> 00:54:06,159
And I have a lot of friends that play.
They love it. Oh, they love it.
1103
00:54:06,243 --> 00:54:07,786
"Jerry, you would love it.
1104
00:54:09,454 --> 00:54:11,289
It's a very challenging game."
1105
00:54:12,540 --> 00:54:14,209
"Yes, I am sure that it is.
1106
00:54:14,626 --> 00:54:18,838
It's also challenging trying to throw
a Tic Tac 100 yards into a shoebox."
1107
00:54:18,922 --> 00:54:20,173
[audience laughs]
1108
00:54:23,510 --> 00:54:26,972
In the fantasy mind of the golfing father,
when he comes home,
1109
00:54:27,055 --> 00:54:28,890
the family will come running out
1110
00:54:29,307 --> 00:54:33,103
to hear the exciting stories
of his golfing adventures.
1111
00:54:34,396 --> 00:54:38,775
In reality, no one is even aware
that he has left or returned...
1112
00:54:41,027 --> 00:54:45,907
from eight and a half hours
of idiotic hacking through sand and weeds
1113
00:54:45,991 --> 00:54:49,035
while driving drunk in a clown car
through a fake park.
1114
00:54:49,119 --> 00:54:50,704
[audience laughing and applauding]
1115
00:54:55,375 --> 00:54:57,794
Nonetheless, the father remains proud...
1116
00:54:59,879 --> 00:55:04,009
dressing in bizarre outfits
around the house on the weekends.
1117
00:55:05,010 --> 00:55:06,636
All fathers essentially dress
1118
00:55:06,720 --> 00:55:09,931
in the clothing style
of the last good year of their lives.
1119
00:55:11,349 --> 00:55:15,103
Whatever a man was wearing
around the time he got married,
1120
00:55:15,186 --> 00:55:17,314
he freezes that moment
1121
00:55:18,023 --> 00:55:21,568
in fashion history
and rides it out to the end.
1122
00:55:21,651 --> 00:55:23,653
[audience laughing and cheering]
1123
00:55:25,739 --> 00:55:29,826
You see fathers on the street:
'05, '91, '83.
1124
00:55:29,909 --> 00:55:31,453
[audience laughs]
1125
00:55:33,121 --> 00:55:35,081
Took the kids to the movies the other day.
1126
00:55:35,165 --> 00:55:37,834
New announcement in the movie theater
I hadn't seen before:
1127
00:55:37,917 --> 00:55:42,130
"Please pick up the garbage
from around your seat after the movie."
1128
00:55:42,464 --> 00:55:43,673
"Oh, okay.
1129
00:55:45,008 --> 00:55:48,887
Maybe I'll bring my orange jumpsuit
and a wooden stick with a nail in it, too.
1130
00:55:48,970 --> 00:55:50,972
[audience laughs and applauds]
1131
00:55:51,639 --> 00:55:54,976
Maybe I'll work my way down the highway
after the credits."
1132
00:55:57,771 --> 00:55:59,397
I'm not pickin' nothin' up!
1133
00:56:00,690 --> 00:56:02,400
I'm the one that threw it down.
1134
00:56:02,484 --> 00:56:04,194
[audience laughs]
1135
00:56:04,819 --> 00:56:07,614
There's a deal in place
between us and the movie theater people.
1136
00:56:07,697 --> 00:56:09,949
The deal is, you're rippin' us off!
1137
00:56:11,493 --> 00:56:13,912
In exchange for that,
when I'm done with something,
1138
00:56:13,995 --> 00:56:15,372
I open my hand.
1139
00:56:15,455 --> 00:56:16,539
[audience laughs]
1140
00:56:20,168 --> 00:56:22,253
Let it roll down eight rows.
1141
00:56:23,338 --> 00:56:26,466
I'm not sticking my arm
into that dark, scary hole...
1142
00:56:28,051 --> 00:56:31,012
tryin' to pry out three Goobers
that have been solder welded there
1143
00:56:31,096 --> 00:56:32,722
since The Shawshank Redemption.
1144
00:56:34,724 --> 00:56:36,059
What have they done for us?
1145
00:56:36,142 --> 00:56:39,687
What... what? You gave us a cup holder?
Is that our luxury feature?
1146
00:56:39,771 --> 00:56:43,483
How about an automatic popcorn shooter
that fires one in every five seconds...
1147
00:56:43,942 --> 00:56:46,236
to complete this corpse-like experience?
1148
00:56:47,237 --> 00:56:49,239
[audience chuckles]
1149
00:56:51,991 --> 00:56:54,702
The cup holder, that is the object
that defines our culture.
1150
00:56:54,786 --> 00:56:56,329
"We're not holding cups!
1151
00:56:57,622 --> 00:56:58,706
We don't wanna grip!"
1152
00:57:00,667 --> 00:57:01,668
Hands-free.
1153
00:57:03,336 --> 00:57:05,296
Give me a cowboy hat
with a beer on each side
1154
00:57:05,380 --> 00:57:06,965
and a feeding tube comin' down.
1155
00:57:07,048 --> 00:57:08,550
[audience chuckles]
1156
00:57:08,633 --> 00:57:10,793
Give me a dog leash
with an extra leash wound up in it,
1157
00:57:10,844 --> 00:57:12,524
in case the dog pulls it,
I hit the button,
1158
00:57:12,554 --> 00:57:14,639
let the line out like he's a marlin.
1159
00:57:16,641 --> 00:57:17,809
I go into a public restroom,
1160
00:57:17,892 --> 00:57:21,521
I expect a motion detector
on the toilet, sink, urinal.
1161
00:57:21,604 --> 00:57:23,022
I'm doin' nothin' in here.
1162
00:57:25,733 --> 00:57:28,153
Why is the sink never as aware of us
as the toilet?
1163
00:57:28,236 --> 00:57:30,423
You always have to go
into a David Copperfield magic act
1164
00:57:30,447 --> 00:57:31,405
to make that work.
1165
00:57:31,406 --> 00:57:33,408
[audience laughing]
1166
00:57:40,039 --> 00:57:43,793
Who designed the bathroom stall
with the under-display viewing window?
1167
00:57:43,877 --> 00:57:45,962
[audience laughs]
1168
00:57:46,045 --> 00:57:49,174
So we can all see
the lifeless, collapsed pant legs
1169
00:57:49,257 --> 00:57:53,303
and tragic little shoe fronts
that are just barely poking out
1170
00:57:53,845 --> 00:57:57,098
from underneath the impotent belt,
lying helpless.
1171
00:57:58,725 --> 00:58:02,896
How much more money is it
to bring this wall down another foot?
1172
00:58:03,521 --> 00:58:07,066
- [audience clapping]
- It's the cheapest wall in the world.
1173
00:58:07,817 --> 00:58:08,818
It's a metal panel.
1174
00:58:08,902 --> 00:58:12,780
They don't even make the panels
meet up tight in the corners!
1175
00:58:14,866 --> 00:58:16,367
Why can't they cinch it up?
1176
00:58:17,660 --> 00:58:18,828
Sometimes, you're walkin' by,
1177
00:58:18,912 --> 00:58:21,080
you see a frightened,
terrorized human eye.
1178
00:58:21,164 --> 00:58:23,166
[audience laughing and clapping]
1179
00:58:26,461 --> 00:58:29,088
You ever see just a flash of eye white
in the space?
1180
00:58:29,172 --> 00:58:30,172
Just a pupil?
1181
00:58:31,925 --> 00:58:34,093
Why are we doing this to people?
1182
00:58:35,428 --> 00:58:37,889
I'm not a horse.
I don't wanna be in a stall.
1183
00:58:38,598 --> 00:58:40,784
If it's a stall, why don't I hang my head
over the door?
1184
00:58:40,808 --> 00:58:42,143
That's what the horses do.
1185
00:58:44,270 --> 00:58:46,648
I'm sure my coworkers
recognize my shoes.
1186
00:58:46,731 --> 00:58:48,525
Let's let 'em see my face, too.
1187
00:58:48,608 --> 00:58:51,194
[audience laughing and applauding]
1188
00:58:51,277 --> 00:58:52,779
"Hey, Bob, how you doing?
1189
00:58:54,656 --> 00:58:57,534
Yeah, this is why I had to run
out of that big meeting.
1190
00:58:58,785 --> 00:59:02,121
I had a little PowerPoint presentation
of my own to do."
1191
00:59:02,664 --> 00:59:05,041
Thank you, New York City.
You've been the best!
1192
00:59:05,291 --> 00:59:07,353
- I love you guys.
- [audience cheering and applauding]
1193
00:59:07,377 --> 00:59:10,171
- ["Secret Agent Man" playing]
- You made me. I appreciate it.
1194
00:59:10,255 --> 00:59:12,465
Thanks for comin' in to see our show.
1195
00:59:12,966 --> 00:59:14,175
Hope you enjoyed it.
1196
00:59:15,552 --> 00:59:16,468
Good night.
1197
00:59:16,469 --> 00:59:20,056
♪ There's a man
Who leads a life of danger ♪
1198
00:59:22,141 --> 00:59:26,813
♪ To everyone he meets
He stays a stranger ♪
1199
00:59:27,772 --> 00:59:30,108
♪ With every move he makes ♪
1200
00:59:31,109 --> 00:59:33,444
♪ Another chance he takes ♪
1201
00:59:34,320 --> 00:59:37,949
♪ Odds are he won't live
to see tomorrow ♪
1202
00:59:38,032 --> 00:59:39,450
[audience continues cheering]
1203
00:59:39,534 --> 00:59:42,203
♪ Secret agent man ♪
1204
00:59:42,287 --> 00:59:43,329
♪ Secret... ♪
1205
00:59:43,413 --> 00:59:45,665
Now, in the helicopter,
what you would do...
1206
00:59:46,124 --> 00:59:48,668
you'd move forward a little bit
before you push out.
1207
00:59:48,751 --> 00:59:51,311
- [Jerry] What's this one?
- [assistant] It's you in the doorway.
1208
00:59:55,300 --> 00:59:56,759
- [woman] Hey!
- Hey, what's up?
1209
00:59:56,843 --> 01:00:00,680
♪ Beware of pretty faces that you find ♪
1210
01:00:02,515 --> 01:00:07,687
♪ A pretty face can hide an evil mind ♪
1211
01:00:07,979 --> 01:00:09,897
- ♪ Ah, be careful ♪
- [instructor] Yeah!
1212
01:00:09,981 --> 01:00:11,232
♪ What you say ♪
1213
01:00:11,316 --> 01:00:14,027
♪ Or you'll give yourself away ♪
1214
01:00:15,111 --> 01:00:17,071
♪ Odds are you won't live... ♪
1215
01:00:17,155 --> 01:00:18,656
- Very good.
- Thank you.
1216
01:00:22,827 --> 01:00:24,829
[subway cars rattle]