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(static)

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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(hip hop music)

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- [Emcee] Ladies and gentlemen,
the star of Tremors 6,

6
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please make some noise
for Mr. Jamie Kennedy.

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(audience cheering)

8
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(audience applauding)

9
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Wow.

10
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You guys, I gotta
tell you somethin'.

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I have starred in movies.

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I have had my own
television show.

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I have played 5,000
people in London,

14
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(audience laughing)

15
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but tonight, I'm playing
the back of a bowling alley

16
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(audience laughing)

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in Huntington Beach.

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(audience cheering)

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Woo!

20
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Yeah!

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Career's going great.

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Agent's got me at a fucking
smoothie stand next week.

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(audience laughing)

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How many people
came here tonight

25
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'cause they got my
blast on Facebook?

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(light clapping)

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Well, that was.

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(audience laughing)

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That was incredible, that was.

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Two and a half people, that is.

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(audience laughing)

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Wow, this is starting great
so far, this special, this is.

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I'll be at a rolling
skating rink next week.

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(audience laughing)

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I have 183,000
friends, okay, I have.

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Just have two here,

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(audience laughing)

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in Huntington, Jesus,

39
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but I've done a lot of,
how many people came

40
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'cause they heard
me on the radio?

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(audience laughing)

42
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The marketing at this
bowling alley is incredible.

43
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This is.

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(audience laughing)

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How many people were just
returning their shoes

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and happened to see
I was in the back

47
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and just were?

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(audience laughing)

49
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Wait, this isn't like
a Groupon show, is it?

50
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(audience laughing)

51
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I hate those.

52
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I've done those.

53
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60% off Jamie Kennedy,

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(audience laughing)

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with some teeth whitening.

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(audience laughing)

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You heard it though, they said
I was the star of Tremors 6,

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(audience laughing)

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my latest credit.

60
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How many people didn't
know there was a Tremors 5?

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(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

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That was a lot of
clap, that was.

63
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They're reviving
everything, right?

64
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Like they want me to
do another Tremors.

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I'm gonna do
Tremors 'til I'm 80,

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'til I have actual tremors.

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(audience laughing)

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Tremors 17: This Soup is Hot.

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(audience laughing)

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Tremors 18: Shittin' In a Bag.

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(audience laughing)

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[Audience Male] Malibu!

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Malibu, thank you sir.

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(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)

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Thank you, Malibu, Malibu.

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I remember that job.

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(audience laughing)

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I love when people
shout out old jobs.

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Imagine if I did that to people.

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Bed, Bath, and Beyond!

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(audience laughing)

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Chick-Fil-A!

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(audience laughing)

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DMV in the house.

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I appreciate you guys
recognize me, thank you,

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'cause I never know my level
of fame, you know what I mean.

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(squeaks)

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I know, was that a mouse?

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(audience laughing)

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(mimics squeak)

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I never know my level of
fame, you know what I mean.

92
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Famous people,
we're like animals.

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You see one of 'em, it's
like being on a safari.

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All right, your
girlfriend's out there,

95
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she's like (gasping) honey,
honey, look, look, look, look.

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(audience laughing)

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I think that's a George Clooney.

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He's eating an apple.

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Hold on. (tongue clicking)

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(audience laughing)

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(tongue clicking) Here,
Georgie, Georgie, Georgie.

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(audience laughing)

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I want him to eat
out of my hand.

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You see George Clooney,
that's like seeing

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a rare albino giraffe.

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(audience laughing)

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People see me, I'm
more like a pigeon,

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(audience laughing)

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and I got yell directly
in my face type of fame,

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like people have no problems
interrupting me at all.

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People are always
like, yeah, yeah, yeah!

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Yeah, Jamie Kennedy, dude.

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Hey, what are you doing
in Olive Garden, dude?

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(audience laughing)

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Are you broke or?

116
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I did that joke in
Reseda, people are like,

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what's wrong with Olive Garden?

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(audience laughing)

119
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I did that joke in
Victorville, they go,

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we have an Olive Garden?

121
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(audience laughing)

122
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I got recognized the
other day, right.

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I'm at the airport.

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TSA lady, she took my
license, she looked at it,

125
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she's like, I'm Shannon.

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I'm with Jamie Kennedy, okay.

127
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Ooh, I used to love your
ass back in the day.

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(audience laughing)

129
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I'm like, the day is still here.

130
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(audience laughing)

131
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It's Jamie Kenne-DAY, it's not.

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(audience laughing)

133
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It's not dusk, it's like 3:30.

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I appreciate you letting
me do that character,

135
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'cause that was a black woman,

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(audience laughing)

137
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but it's, she
lives inside of me.

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Inside, I feel,

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(audience laughing)

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as a black woman,
you know what I mean?

141
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I think it's 'cause I watched

142
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a lot of Angela Bassett movies

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(audience laughing)

144
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as a child.

145
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:50,888
I love Angela Bassett,
right, that chick.

146
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Even her littlest moments in
her movies, she's so dramatic.

147
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She's so good.

148
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Little kid's like,
little kid's like,

149
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hey mom, can you pass the salt?

150
00:08:01,899 --> 00:08:04,443
What I tell you about
the goddamn salt?

151
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:07,779
(audience laughing)

152
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:11,491
Boy, your blood pressure's
through the roof!

153
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,245
Your great-granddaddy Alonzo.

154
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,916
Black lady's laughing, white
people don't know if they can.

155
00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:20,959
(audience laughing)

156
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,628
It's okay, guys,
it's Black-approved.

157
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She is, Black lady approval.

158
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(audience cheering)

159
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Thank God you're here.

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(audience applauding)

161
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:32,846
Thank God you are here, boo-boo.

162
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(audience cheering)

163
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Before I saw you, I thought

164
00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:40,145
I was playing in
Huntington Bleach.

165
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(audience laughing)

166
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:44,858
Oh, oh, oh, oh.

167
00:08:47,819 --> 00:08:49,988
I read something about myself
recently that said this.

168
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It said, Jamie
Kennedy looks as if

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Matthew McConaughey
raped Bradley Cooper,

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(audience laughing)

171
00:09:01,083 --> 00:09:03,252
and my first question is,
why does it gotta be a rape?

172
00:09:03,293 --> 00:09:06,296
(audience laughing)

173
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,007
Why can't it just
be a nice evening

174
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,509
with a couple of gentlemen?

175
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:13,220
(audience laughing)

176
00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:15,514
Plate of Brie, right,
why does it have to be?

177
00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:21,228
I mean, I guess that's
a compliment, right?

178
00:09:21,270 --> 00:09:24,523
I mean, they're both good
looking, Oscar-nominated.

179
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,650
I always wanted to work
with Matthew and Bradley,

180
00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:29,695
(audience laughing)

181
00:09:30,862 --> 00:09:33,156
even it was a rape
scene, I mean.

182
00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:35,325
(audience laughing)

183
00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:37,411
I think it'd be good
for my career, actually.

184
00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:40,872
I think it'd be bigger
than Tremors 6, right?

185
00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:45,460
Tremors 19:
Ass-Blasters Come Home.

186
00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:47,337
(audience laughing)

187
00:09:47,379 --> 00:09:48,797
Tremors fans get that joke.

188
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:53,343
That's a scene I wouldn't
do with McConaughey though.

189
00:09:53,385 --> 00:09:56,513
He's a, that's the one actor I
wouldn't want to do that with

190
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'cause he's, he's
massive, all right,

191
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all right, he's committed.

192
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He lost 42 pounds
and won an Oscar,

193
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,608
and he might just do it.

194
00:10:09,651 --> 00:10:12,654
(audience laughing)

195
00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:16,700
He might just, he's charming.

196
00:10:16,742 --> 00:10:18,410
How you gonna stop him, right?

197
00:10:18,452 --> 00:10:21,455
(audience laughing)

198
00:10:23,415 --> 00:10:25,876
Just come out and
be like, all right.

199
00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:28,462
(audience laughing)

200
00:10:28,503 --> 00:10:31,214
All right, all right, all right.

201
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I say, now Bradley.

202
00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:39,723
Now I'm gonna do you.

203
00:10:39,765 --> 00:10:43,310
(audience laughing)

204
00:10:43,352 --> 00:10:44,770
I'm gonna do you,

205
00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:50,067
I'm gonna do you high,
I'm gonna do you hard.

206
00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:53,111
(audience laughing)

207
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:57,949
I'm gonna do you long,
I'm gonna do you strong.

208
00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:00,952
(audience laughing)

209
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,206
I'm gonna do you in
the pooper, Cooper.

210
00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:09,211
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

211
00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:15,217
Ain't a dang thing
you can do about it.

212
00:11:18,387 --> 00:11:23,308
We gonna do it all in the
back of a Lincoln Continental.

213
00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:27,270
(audience laughing)

214
00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:34,694
You guys see that commercial?

215
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,697
I auditioned.

216
00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:40,742
(audience laughing)

217
00:11:42,119 --> 00:11:43,787
Didn't get a callback on that.

218
00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:48,125
Jesus God, these skinny jeans.

219
00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:51,169
(audience laughing)

220
00:11:55,549 --> 00:12:00,095
I'm not married yet, you know,
and people think it's weird,

221
00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:03,014
'cause I just turned 40,

222
00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:05,517
six.

223
00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:09,646
(audience laughing)

224
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:12,399
I'm waiting for the right time.

225
00:12:12,441 --> 00:12:14,943
These things kinda,
you gotta make,

226
00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:16,361
it's a big decision in life.

227
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,406
I don't know if I'm
ready to be married yet.

228
00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:20,615
I grew up in the '80s.

229
00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:22,993
I still feel like I'm 16.

230
00:12:23,034 --> 00:12:25,203
I was part of a
break dance crew.

231
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,873
(audience laughing)

232
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:29,958
When you're into break dance
and people challenge you

233
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,418
to do something, you battle,

234
00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:34,212
when they make you do
something you don't wanna do,

235
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:36,381
so like, isn't that
marriage every night?

236
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,216
(audience laughing)

237
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,427
My wife would be like, your
night to do the dishes,

238
00:12:40,469 --> 00:12:41,845
I'm like, nuh uh.

239
00:12:41,887 --> 00:12:44,890
(audience laughing)

240
00:12:51,521 --> 00:12:52,647
You scrub.

241
00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:55,692
(audience laughing)

242
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,153
Take out the trash.

243
00:12:58,195 --> 00:12:59,738
Nuh uh.

244
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,782
(audience laughing)

245
00:13:03,909 --> 00:13:05,035
It always.

246
00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:12,125
I mean, I used to
have a girlfriend and
she was very tall.

247
00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:15,295
I used to call her the chainsaw.

248
00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:17,672
(audience laughing)

249
00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:18,632
I mean, she come at
me man, she be like,

250
00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:21,426
(mimics chainsaw engine)

251
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:22,802
(audience laughing)

252
00:13:22,844 --> 00:13:25,096
(mimics chainsaw engine)

253
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:28,141
(audience laughing)

254
00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:40,820
We're going to Jersey Mike's.

255
00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:48,328
I don't need a chainsaw
as a girlfriend, okay.

256
00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:54,125
I'd like to have an
oscillating fan, that'd be.

257
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,710
(audience laughing)

258
00:13:55,752 --> 00:13:57,546
That'd be so cool, some
woman who's just like,

259
00:13:57,587 --> 00:14:00,340
(mimics breeze) Jah,

260
00:14:00,382 --> 00:14:03,635
(audience laughing)

261
00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:04,511
mie.

262
00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:16,731
Someone who's quiet and
who will gently blow me.

263
00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:19,609
(audience laughing)

264
00:14:19,651 --> 00:14:23,154
Ooh, it was scary
to do that joke.

265
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,656
I'm glad you laughed, okay.

266
00:14:27,742 --> 00:14:29,494
People say I can't do
jokes like that anymore.

267
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:32,372
People, lady groups get mad.

268
00:14:32,414 --> 00:14:35,083
(audience laughing)

269
00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:37,002
I did that joke in New
York, some lady stood up,

270
00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:39,254
she goes, suck it yourself!

271
00:14:39,296 --> 00:14:42,841
(audience laughing)

272
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,468
I wanted to tell her, if I
could suck it myself, I would,

273
00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:49,097
(audience laughing)

274
00:14:49,139 --> 00:14:51,308
and I would swallow
every goddamn drop.

275
00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:56,896
I will finish the job.

276
00:14:56,938 --> 00:14:58,982
(audience laughing)

277
00:14:59,024 --> 00:15:01,276
I would take me
down to a raisin.

278
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,327
That was weird.

279
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:14,497
I sound like Batman there.

280
00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:17,292
Who are you?

281
00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:18,668
I'm Batman.

282
00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:20,128
(audience laughing)

283
00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:21,963
I'm here to empty your bag.

284
00:15:22,005 --> 00:15:25,008
(audience laughing)

285
00:15:25,050 --> 00:15:25,884
I'm Bagman.

286
00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:33,058
You can't, by the way you
can't say blowjob anymore.

287
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:35,018
I don't use that
word, women get mad.

288
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:37,771
I use codewords.

289
00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:39,064
I was out with this
girl the other night.

290
00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:40,357
The end of the date,
I was just like,

291
00:15:40,398 --> 00:15:45,111
hey girl, what's up
with that breezejob?

292
00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:48,114
(audience laughing)

293
00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:56,998
I caught myself standing like
this like a freak, I was like.

294
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,250
(audience laughing)

295
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,086
I automatically led with that,

296
00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,171
but yeah, I was
just like a creep.

297
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,176
Windchill factor's kinda low.

298
00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:11,221
(audience laughing)

299
00:16:12,097 --> 00:16:13,473
I had a friend who's a girl.

300
00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:18,520
You laugh, but it's very hard
to have a friend who's a girl

301
00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:21,398
'cause of sexual tension,

302
00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:26,111
and if you don't believe
that, you're a girl.

303
00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:29,155
(audience laughing)

304
00:16:31,282 --> 00:16:33,535
Girls are like, we're
just friends, what, no.

305
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:37,330
He doesn't want to have sex.

306
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,041
He likes my brains.

307
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:44,754
Did you ask him?

308
00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:47,757
(audience laughing)

309
00:16:47,799 --> 00:16:49,134
Dudes will linger, right.

310
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,635
We'll linger, we're
just waiting for you.

311
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,721
We'll just wait
and wait and wait,

312
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:54,222
(audience laughing)

313
00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:56,307
until you're just ready to be
like, this bra's too tight.

314
00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:57,892
(poofs)

315
00:16:57,934 --> 00:17:00,770
(audience laughing)

316
00:17:00,812 --> 00:17:02,230
Is it time?

317
00:17:02,272 --> 00:17:03,815
Yeah.

318
00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:04,899
(audience laughing)

319
00:17:04,941 --> 00:17:05,859
Is it time?

320
00:17:14,617 --> 00:17:15,952
It's only been a couple years.

321
00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:17,912
I had this girl, right,
she was really hot.

322
00:17:17,954 --> 00:17:19,456
She always used me, I
think she was using me

323
00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:20,874
when she wanted errands done.

324
00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:23,710
I couldn't take it anymore.

325
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:25,795
I'm like, okay Heidi.

326
00:17:25,837 --> 00:17:29,132
I went shopping,
I went to Petco,

327
00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:34,763
I fixed all your fuckin' dog
food, you need anything else?

328
00:17:34,804 --> 00:17:36,806
She's like, well my
birdfeeder's broken.

329
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,601
Could you maybe fix that?

330
00:17:39,642 --> 00:17:41,895
And I said okay, I say,
you know what, Heidi?

331
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,023
I think it's time
for us to have sex.

332
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:48,443
(audience laughing)

333
00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:50,069
That job has a tariff, okay.

334
00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:54,491
That's a boyfriend
job, all right,

335
00:17:54,532 --> 00:17:56,868
and she goes, uh,
I think that sex

336
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:59,204
would get in the way
of our friendship,

337
00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:01,456
and I'm like, uh, I
think our friendship

338
00:18:01,498 --> 00:18:03,416
is getting in the
way of our sex.

339
00:18:03,458 --> 00:18:04,793
(audience laughing)

340
00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:08,004
(audience applauding)

341
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:12,926
I get jealous,
though, of people.

342
00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:14,552
People, probably a lot
of couples here tonight,

343
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,304
people who are married, right,

344
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:20,558
got girlfriend or boyfriend
or you're married.

345
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,561
I gotta go out, I
gotta look for girls.

346
00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:26,064
Okay, that sounded
weird, I'm sorry.

347
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,732
(audience laughing)

348
00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:30,109
I gotta go out, I
gotta hunt for women.

349
00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:32,278
(audience laughing)

350
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:33,947
I gotta see what's out there.

351
00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:39,077
Gotta see what's out
here in the beach.

352
00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:43,414
No, but to date
somebody properly,

353
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:45,416
to have a girlfriend
or a boyfriend,

354
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,919
courtship takes time, all right.

355
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:49,629
That could be like a job.

356
00:18:51,089 --> 00:18:52,757
I bet there's some
people here tonight

357
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:55,009
who are on the clock.

358
00:18:58,054 --> 00:19:01,808
All right, I took this
girl on an eight-hour date.

359
00:19:03,393 --> 00:19:05,270
Yeah, that's like a full shift.

360
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:08,064
(audience laughing)

361
00:19:08,106 --> 00:19:09,607
I didn't even get a smoke break.

362
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:13,152
(audience laughing)

363
00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:14,654
This girl wanted to go out.

364
00:19:14,696 --> 00:19:16,114
She's like, I want to go,
she wanted to go to museums.

365
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:19,200
She's like, I wanna go out,
I'd like to see a Monet.

366
00:19:19,242 --> 00:19:22,537
I'm like, I like to stay
in and save my MO-NEY.

367
00:19:22,579 --> 00:19:25,665
(audience laughing)

368
00:19:25,707 --> 00:19:27,792
So I take this girl out,
we have a nice lunch

369
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:30,295
and we went to a museum
for four fuckin' hours.

370
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:33,047
(audience laughing)

371
00:19:33,089 --> 00:19:35,174
Going to a museum
is like, futile.

372
00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:38,303
You gotta look at a bunch
of stuff you don't buy.

373
00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:40,346
(audience laughing)

374
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,515
You can't buy it, and at the
end of the date she goes,

375
00:19:42,557 --> 00:19:44,017
okay, all right, thank you,

376
00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:47,812
and she's like,
bye. (smacks lips)

377
00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:49,063
(audience laughing)

378
00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:51,649
She went, (smacks lips)

379
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:52,942
(smacks lips)

380
00:19:52,984 --> 00:19:54,777
Fucking peck, fucking
(smacks lips).

381
00:19:55,778 --> 00:19:57,155
(audience laughing)

382
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,490
(smacks lips)

383
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:00,700
Fucking bird, right.

384
00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:05,830
I'm all depressed, I
was walking away like,

385
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:06,706
all right, I'll see ya.

386
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:09,834
(audience laughing)

387
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,002
Then she turns around
and she's like,

388
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:13,630
you know, I'm
kinda hungry again,

389
00:20:16,424 --> 00:20:18,593
and I'm thinking,
oh shit, right.

390
00:20:18,635 --> 00:20:22,347
(audience laughing)

391
00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:24,474
I'm thinking like, bird
wants the worm, right,

392
00:20:24,515 --> 00:20:27,518
(audience laughing)

393
00:20:34,776 --> 00:20:36,861
and then she's like,
she starts going,

394
00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:39,030
so where do you want to
eat, and she kept asking,

395
00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:42,408
and I just realize, she
just actually wanted food,

396
00:20:42,450 --> 00:20:45,244
(audience laughing)

397
00:20:45,286 --> 00:20:47,121
and I looked at her
and I'm like, oh shit,

398
00:20:47,163 --> 00:20:49,374
I know what she's
trying to do, all right.

399
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:51,376
She's trying to hit
me for a second meal.

400
00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:53,378
(audience laughing)

401
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:54,921
She's trying to two-for-one me.

402
00:20:57,131 --> 00:20:59,509
She's trying to eat around
the feeding schedule.

403
00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:03,137
She's trying to Groupon me.

404
00:21:03,179 --> 00:21:06,140
(audience laughing)

405
00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:10,436
I knew she was doing it too,
'cause she did that thing

406
00:21:10,478 --> 00:21:12,355
that women do sometimes when
they ask you for something,

407
00:21:12,397 --> 00:21:14,607
but they're all
scared and sheepish,

408
00:21:14,649 --> 00:21:16,401
and they start sounding
like Marge Simpson.

409
00:21:16,442 --> 00:21:21,364
You know, um, I
could eat something.

410
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:23,449
I'm saying, if you wanted

411
00:21:23,491 --> 00:21:24,867
to eat something,
I probably could.

412
00:21:24,909 --> 00:21:28,496
I'm saying I'm not that hungry,
but if you ate something

413
00:21:28,538 --> 00:21:30,790
I could probably
eat it with you.

414
00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:35,128
What food,

415
00:21:35,169 --> 00:21:37,547
(audience laughing)

416
00:21:37,588 --> 00:21:39,007
but she was hot, you
know what I'm saying.

417
00:21:39,048 --> 00:21:40,967
I had to stuff her, right.

418
00:21:42,427 --> 00:21:44,637
(audience laughing)

419
00:21:44,679 --> 00:21:45,930
You gotta stuff a hottie.

420
00:21:47,849 --> 00:21:49,475
I hate it when you
take a hot girl out

421
00:21:49,517 --> 00:21:50,768
and they don't eat anything.

422
00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:52,895
They're like, ooh, I'm
gonna have this kale.

423
00:21:52,937 --> 00:21:55,606
(audience laughing)

424
00:21:55,648 --> 00:21:57,025
I hate that, 'cause at
the end of the night

425
00:21:57,066 --> 00:21:57,984
they're all light,

426
00:22:01,154 --> 00:22:02,280
and they can just run away,

427
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:05,783
(audience laughing)

428
00:22:05,825 --> 00:22:07,035
like a gazelle.

429
00:22:07,076 --> 00:22:08,786
Okay, bye. (mimics
hooves clicking)

430
00:22:08,828 --> 00:22:11,789
(audience laughing)

431
00:22:14,375 --> 00:22:16,127
Shit, the freeway already?

432
00:22:21,299 --> 00:22:23,676
That's why I like to
carb my hotties up, man.

433
00:22:26,012 --> 00:22:28,139
I carb 'em up so at
the end of the night,

434
00:22:28,181 --> 00:22:29,640
they're like a sloth.

435
00:22:29,682 --> 00:22:32,685
(audience laughing)

436
00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:36,981
They get to my house
and they're just like,

437
00:22:37,023 --> 00:22:40,610
(heavy breathing) oh, God.

438
00:22:42,695 --> 00:22:44,781
Hold on, let's just
wait here, okay baby?

439
00:22:47,450 --> 00:22:48,951
Maybe I could sleep here.

440
00:22:56,918 --> 00:22:58,836
Jesus Christ, why am I so hot?

441
00:22:58,878 --> 00:23:02,173
(audience laughing)

442
00:23:02,215 --> 00:23:04,217
Do you have any Doritos?

443
00:23:12,892 --> 00:23:15,603
'Cause it's all
backwards, right?

444
00:23:15,645 --> 00:23:20,483
These guys are out there,
these guys who drug women.

445
00:23:20,525 --> 00:23:23,486
That's terrible, I
would never do that.

446
00:23:23,528 --> 00:23:25,530
I just hit 'em with the loaf.

447
00:23:25,571 --> 00:23:27,990
(audience laughing)

448
00:23:28,032 --> 00:23:30,993
You hit 'em with a
glu-ton bomb, right.

449
00:23:31,035 --> 00:23:34,747
(audience laughing)

450
00:23:34,789 --> 00:23:37,625
Puts 'em down, right,
that slows you.

451
00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:42,046
Seriously, the dating
rituals are backward.

452
00:23:42,088 --> 00:23:43,172
Do you agree with this?

453
00:23:43,214 --> 00:23:46,134
We go out, we have a big meal,

454
00:23:48,511 --> 00:23:51,097
and then we go home
and we try to have sex.

455
00:23:52,598 --> 00:23:54,642
Right, like yeah,
my first question

456
00:23:54,684 --> 00:23:57,311
is why do we eat
before we skeet?

457
00:23:57,353 --> 00:24:00,356
(audience laughing)

458
00:24:00,398 --> 00:24:02,233
I don't know about you,
but nothing makes me feel

459
00:24:02,275 --> 00:24:06,904
less sexy than a big ol'
bowl of pasta primavera,

460
00:24:06,946 --> 00:24:09,949
(audience laughing)

461
00:24:11,367 --> 00:24:15,955
with four cutlets and two
pieces of key lime pie.

462
00:24:16,706 --> 00:24:19,458
(audience laughing)

463
00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:21,919
Okay, that's like a 3,000
calorie roofie, all right.

464
00:24:23,588 --> 00:24:26,174
I'm out by, like, 8:15,

465
00:24:26,215 --> 00:24:29,427
(audience laughing)

466
00:24:29,468 --> 00:24:31,053
but we do it 'cause
you're supposed to, right.

467
00:24:31,095 --> 00:24:33,806
We're romantic, but here's what
guys' brains are navigating

468
00:24:33,848 --> 00:24:36,475
in their brain,
they're like, hey girl.

469
00:24:36,517 --> 00:24:39,312
Well, why don't we just have
a big ol' bowl of primavera

470
00:24:41,314 --> 00:24:44,275
in the bottom of the
breadbasket, that's right,

471
00:24:44,317 --> 00:24:45,651
bottom of the breadbasket.

472
00:24:47,612 --> 00:24:49,697
Two bottles of Malbec,
that's right, baby.

473
00:24:52,700 --> 00:24:54,952
Well, you know how I'm
feeling right now, baby.

474
00:24:54,994 --> 00:24:56,037
That's right.

475
00:24:56,078 --> 00:24:57,622
(audience laughing)

476
00:24:57,663 --> 00:24:59,457
Uncomfortably full.

477
00:24:59,498 --> 00:25:01,834
(audience laughing)

478
00:25:01,876 --> 00:25:04,670
Yeah baby, but
tonight I'm gonna,

479
00:25:04,712 --> 00:25:07,423
I'm gonna take you back
to my place, that's right,

480
00:25:09,258 --> 00:25:13,221
because your place has one
of those low-flow toilets,

481
00:25:13,262 --> 00:25:16,265
(audience laughing)

482
00:25:18,851 --> 00:25:20,686
and that ain't gonna
cut it tonight.

483
00:25:23,689 --> 00:25:26,025
There's not enough
water pressure, baby.

484
00:25:26,067 --> 00:25:28,527
(audience laughing)

485
00:25:28,569 --> 00:25:31,697
Yeah baby, you're
gonna get me naked.

486
00:25:33,115 --> 00:25:37,828
I'm gonna squeeze, I'm gonna
squeeze me a two, that's right,

487
00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:39,747
(audience laughing)

488
00:25:39,789 --> 00:25:43,042
and I'm gonna try to
hold in that fart,

489
00:25:44,293 --> 00:25:46,379
and I hope you hold
in your fart too,

490
00:25:46,420 --> 00:25:48,422
(audience laughing)

491
00:25:48,464 --> 00:25:50,841
'cause I saw you eat a
lot of mozzarella sticks,

492
00:25:50,883 --> 00:25:53,678
(audience laughing)

493
00:25:53,719 --> 00:25:55,680
and I know you're
lactose intolerant.

494
00:25:55,721 --> 00:25:59,308
(audience laughing)

495
00:25:59,350 --> 00:26:02,728
That's right, baby,
you want it, my baby.

496
00:26:05,815 --> 00:26:08,818
Baby, let me put my
food baby on your baby.

497
00:26:08,859 --> 00:26:11,028
(audience laughing)

498
00:26:11,070 --> 00:26:14,323
Ooh baby, feel daddy's
food baby, baby.

499
00:26:15,574 --> 00:26:17,368
Ooh, food baby on baby.

500
00:26:17,410 --> 00:26:19,578
(snoring)

501
00:26:25,251 --> 00:26:27,461
(audience laughing)

502
00:26:27,503 --> 00:26:32,508
(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

503
00:26:40,850 --> 00:26:42,101
I'm sorry, baby.

504
00:26:45,271 --> 00:26:46,772
Daddy's catching a nap.

505
00:26:50,818 --> 00:26:51,652
Right?

506
00:26:52,737 --> 00:26:54,363
These damn skinny jeans.

507
00:26:54,405 --> 00:26:57,408
(audience laughing)

508
00:27:02,455 --> 00:27:04,749
So anyway, I'm back on the,
I'm sitting on the couch

509
00:27:04,790 --> 00:27:07,626
with my beautiful sloth.

510
00:27:07,668 --> 00:27:10,671
(audience laughing)

511
00:27:12,089 --> 00:27:16,427
I'm giving her a little pita
bread, I'm giving her a little.

512
00:27:16,469 --> 00:27:19,388
Food is sexual, right, so I'm
trying to get her in the mood

513
00:27:19,430 --> 00:27:22,016
with a little, some carbs,
you know, just a little,

514
00:27:23,267 --> 00:27:25,978
num num, (smooches),
num num, (smooches),

515
00:27:28,105 --> 00:27:32,193
and she's a bigger, she's
a bigger, she's thick.

516
00:27:32,234 --> 00:27:33,235
(audience laughing)

517
00:27:33,277 --> 00:27:34,653
Am I allowed to say that?

518
00:27:34,695 --> 00:27:37,114
She's T-H-I-C-C-C.

519
00:27:37,156 --> 00:27:38,991
(audience laughing)

520
00:27:39,033 --> 00:27:40,951
We start kissin' a
little bit, (smooching),

521
00:27:42,745 --> 00:27:45,956
a little intimate,
and I reach over,

522
00:27:45,998 --> 00:27:48,084
and I try to get a little tit.

523
00:27:48,125 --> 00:27:50,378
(audience laughing)

524
00:27:50,419 --> 00:27:55,424
I'm in my 40s, I'm
trying to get tit.

525
00:27:56,592 --> 00:28:01,347
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

526
00:28:03,474 --> 00:28:05,684
I own multiple properties.

527
00:28:05,726 --> 00:28:08,145
(audience laughing)

528
00:28:08,187 --> 00:28:09,897
I am trying to get tit.

529
00:28:12,483 --> 00:28:14,735
I'm in negotiations
for Tremors 7.

530
00:28:15,778 --> 00:28:18,823
(audience cheering)

531
00:28:18,864 --> 00:28:19,698
Tit!

532
00:28:21,409 --> 00:28:23,327
I'm the firstborn son
of two of Hollywood's

533
00:28:23,369 --> 00:28:24,870
most gorgeous men.

534
00:28:26,163 --> 00:28:29,834
(audience laughing)

535
00:28:29,875 --> 00:28:31,502
That took you a minute
for that joke, you were,

536
00:28:31,544 --> 00:28:34,255
(audience cheering)

537
00:28:34,296 --> 00:28:35,714
and then she goes like this,

538
00:28:35,756 --> 00:28:38,050
she goes hey hey hey,
whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

539
00:28:38,092 --> 00:28:39,552
(audience laughing)

540
00:28:39,593 --> 00:28:41,178
She goes, I don't
know you that well.

541
00:28:42,096 --> 00:28:44,723
I was like, you got Google?

542
00:28:44,765 --> 00:28:48,018
(audience laughing)

543
00:28:48,060 --> 00:28:49,520
Type it in, I'll wait.

544
00:28:49,562 --> 00:28:50,396
What the?

545
00:28:54,817 --> 00:28:56,444
Then she's like, I don't
even know your middle name.

546
00:28:56,485 --> 00:28:59,155
I'm like, Alexa!

547
00:28:59,196 --> 00:29:02,741
(audience laughing)

548
00:29:02,783 --> 00:29:04,201
Tell her everything.

549
00:29:06,745 --> 00:29:09,748
(audience laughing)

550
00:29:12,668 --> 00:29:16,172
Women can't use that
excuse anymore, right.

551
00:29:16,213 --> 00:29:17,214
I don't know you that well.

552
00:29:17,256 --> 00:29:18,174
Oh really?

553
00:29:18,215 --> 00:29:19,633
The internet does, there!

554
00:29:19,675 --> 00:29:22,219
(audience laughing)

555
00:29:22,261 --> 00:29:23,387
Now take your top off.

556
00:29:23,429 --> 00:29:25,848
(audience laughing)

557
00:29:25,890 --> 00:29:26,765
Okay, okay.

558
00:29:28,726 --> 00:29:30,186
Might cut that one out,

559
00:29:30,227 --> 00:29:33,230
(audience laughing)

560
00:29:36,192 --> 00:29:37,359
and then she goes like
this, this is weird.

561
00:29:37,401 --> 00:29:39,153
She had a sweater on,
beautiful breasts,

562
00:29:39,195 --> 00:29:41,280
little bit of cleavage,
and she pushed it together,

563
00:29:42,281 --> 00:29:43,782
and she goes, you want these?

564
00:29:44,617 --> 00:29:47,620
(audience laughing)

565
00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:51,290
I said, of course I
want those, what the?

566
00:29:51,332 --> 00:29:52,833
Why do you think
my pantry's empty?

567
00:29:52,875 --> 00:29:54,919
What are you talking about?

568
00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:55,878
(audience laughing)

569
00:29:55,920 --> 00:29:57,338
I got to go to Trader Joe's.

570
00:29:59,465 --> 00:30:01,884
That's a weird
thing to do, right?

571
00:30:03,093 --> 00:30:04,929
Do that, what sort
of a guy did that?

572
00:30:04,970 --> 00:30:07,556
Hey, you want these?

573
00:30:07,598 --> 00:30:10,768
(audience applauding)

574
00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:21,195
I'd be arrested so
fast in this climate.

575
00:30:22,321 --> 00:30:23,572
I'd be on TMZ.

576
00:30:23,614 --> 00:30:28,452
We've got Jamie Kennedy
down in a bowling alley

577
00:30:28,494 --> 00:30:33,499
in Huntington Beach, walking
around touching his nuts,

578
00:30:35,209 --> 00:30:36,460
(audience laughing)

579
00:30:36,502 --> 00:30:38,629
asking people, where's
the nearest Panera?

580
00:30:42,174 --> 00:30:44,176
You go, Jamie Kennedy.

581
00:30:47,930 --> 00:30:49,765
I'd be fuckin' cooked,

582
00:30:54,019 --> 00:30:56,897
but then she's like,
she goes like this.

583
00:30:56,939 --> 00:30:57,773
She goes no!

584
00:31:00,192 --> 00:31:02,194
No, you're gonna
have to earn it.

585
00:31:03,362 --> 00:31:04,780
Earn it?

586
00:31:04,822 --> 00:31:06,448
Like it was currency,

587
00:31:08,826 --> 00:31:10,327
like it was Titcoin.

588
00:31:10,369 --> 00:31:13,330
(audience laughing)

589
00:31:17,209 --> 00:31:18,586
That's why men and
women have issues,

590
00:31:18,627 --> 00:31:19,962
'cause we're so different.

591
00:31:20,004 --> 00:31:21,422
Guys don't think like that.

592
00:31:21,463 --> 00:31:24,133
If you touch a guy, if a
guy's got a raging hard-on,

593
00:31:24,174 --> 00:31:26,176
(audience laughing)

594
00:31:26,218 --> 00:31:28,971
and you reach over and grab it,
no guy's gonna be like, hey!

595
00:31:29,013 --> 00:31:32,016
(audience laughing)

596
00:31:36,729 --> 00:31:39,315
You get your Goddamn
hands off me.

597
00:31:39,356 --> 00:31:42,359
(audience laughing)

598
00:31:48,073 --> 00:31:50,951
I don't even know
your middle name.

599
00:31:54,496 --> 00:31:56,165
I just met you eight hours ago.

600
00:31:56,206 --> 00:31:59,877
You think this would
feel good in your mouth?

601
00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:00,753
No!

602
00:32:01,670 --> 00:32:03,547
(audience laughing)

603
00:32:03,589 --> 00:32:04,882
I'm gonna have to earn it.

604
00:32:08,093 --> 00:32:08,927
I bless you.

605
00:32:12,181 --> 00:32:13,015
No, right.

606
00:32:14,141 --> 00:32:15,976
No, dudes are
like, free tasting!

607
00:32:17,061 --> 00:32:18,729
(audience laughing)

608
00:32:18,771 --> 00:32:20,272
New coupon day!

609
00:32:23,275 --> 00:32:25,277
Friends and family plan!

610
00:32:25,319 --> 00:32:27,196
(audience laughing)

611
00:32:27,237 --> 00:32:29,865
Giant liquidation sale!

612
00:32:29,907 --> 00:32:31,992
(audience laughing)

613
00:32:32,034 --> 00:32:33,619
Everything must go!

614
00:32:37,581 --> 00:32:39,625
Clearing the Goddamn shelves.

615
00:32:39,667 --> 00:32:42,795
(audience laughing)

616
00:32:48,759 --> 00:32:50,427
Guys, I told you this
date was eight hours.

617
00:32:50,469 --> 00:32:51,303
So is this joke.

618
00:32:53,472 --> 00:32:55,516
(audience laughing)

619
00:32:55,557 --> 00:33:00,562
(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

620
00:33:02,731 --> 00:33:05,109
It's not even remotely done.

621
00:33:05,150 --> 00:33:08,237
(audience laughing)

622
00:33:08,278 --> 00:33:09,613
So I'm sittin' with her, right.

623
00:33:09,655 --> 00:33:11,699
I'm like, well,

624
00:33:11,740 --> 00:33:13,158
(audience laughing)

625
00:33:13,200 --> 00:33:14,993
what do you wanna do?

626
00:33:15,035 --> 00:33:17,538
She's like, well I like
to get to know you.

627
00:33:17,579 --> 00:33:18,706
(audience laughing)

628
00:33:18,747 --> 00:33:19,790
Right, right?

629
00:33:20,999 --> 00:33:21,959
I'm like, how you wanna do that.

630
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:23,919
She's like, I like to talk.

631
00:33:23,961 --> 00:33:27,256
(audience laughing)

632
00:33:27,297 --> 00:33:28,340
Oh, fuck.

633
00:33:30,551 --> 00:33:32,177
She's trying to talk-block me.

634
00:33:32,219 --> 00:33:37,224
Right, fuckin' 2:30 a.m. and
she wants to have orientation.

635
00:33:40,352 --> 00:33:43,355
(audience laughing)

636
00:33:44,773 --> 00:33:47,109
Talk, talk should be like
an infomercial product.

637
00:33:47,151 --> 00:33:51,864
If you want to take a guy's
raging boner down, talk.

638
00:33:51,905 --> 00:33:54,825
(audience laughing)

639
00:33:54,867 --> 00:33:57,035
Take the, should be
an infomercial product

640
00:33:57,077 --> 00:34:00,706
that you don't need, so
essentially an infomercial, so.

641
00:34:00,748 --> 00:34:02,833
(audience laughing)

642
00:34:02,875 --> 00:34:05,586
It should be, just some
woman's out there, hey ladies.

643
00:34:06,628 --> 00:34:08,589
Tired of that pesky hard-on?

644
00:34:08,630 --> 00:34:10,340
(audience laughing)

645
00:34:10,382 --> 00:34:11,884
Well, hard-on be gone!

646
00:34:14,094 --> 00:34:16,096
Spray a can of Talk
at it, that's right.

647
00:34:17,556 --> 00:34:20,559
Tell him your hopes, blah
blah, your dreams, blah blah,

648
00:34:20,601 --> 00:34:23,395
your rescue cat's
name, blah blah blah.

649
00:34:24,229 --> 00:34:25,439
(audience applauding)

650
00:34:25,481 --> 00:34:27,483
Take that erection into
a different direction.

651
00:34:27,524 --> 00:34:30,527
(audience laughing)

652
00:34:32,613 --> 00:34:34,948
Make him shrivel
with that drivel.

653
00:34:34,990 --> 00:34:37,242
(audience laughing)

654
00:34:37,284 --> 00:34:38,494
The only thing he'll be getting

655
00:34:38,535 --> 00:34:40,329
deep tonight is conversation.

656
00:34:43,874 --> 00:34:45,042
Brought to you from the makers

657
00:34:45,083 --> 00:34:47,127
of Not Tonight, I
Have a Headache,

658
00:34:50,798 --> 00:34:53,425
but she wanted to talk so
it's like, I gotta listen.

659
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:55,761
I gotta listen.

660
00:34:57,596 --> 00:35:01,141
So I was like, okay,
so she starts talking.

661
00:35:01,183 --> 00:35:03,685
(audience laughing)

662
00:35:03,727 --> 00:35:06,855
It's 2:30 a.m. and she
starts talking a lot.

663
00:35:06,897 --> 00:35:09,525
You have that nervous energy
like the sack's energy

664
00:35:09,566 --> 00:35:11,109
turned into the talk energy.

665
00:35:11,151 --> 00:35:12,361
(audience laughing)

666
00:35:12,402 --> 00:35:14,112
Now she's like, well
then, (vocalizing)

667
00:35:14,154 --> 00:35:15,989
my father bought a Prius and
my mother became a lesbian

668
00:35:16,031 --> 00:35:18,450
and my dog became a cat and
then I realized I had celiac

669
00:35:18,492 --> 00:35:22,788
and, and then she starts
fuckin', just keeps goin'.

670
00:35:22,830 --> 00:35:27,793
You gotta, (clucking)

671
00:35:31,797 --> 00:35:34,800
(audience laughing)

672
00:35:36,009 --> 00:35:38,303
She did, she turned into
the fucking bird I met,

673
00:35:40,138 --> 00:35:44,434
and I'm like hey, hey, hey,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

674
00:35:44,476 --> 00:35:46,144
I go, I don't know
you that well.

675
00:35:46,186 --> 00:35:49,189
(audience laughing)

676
00:35:50,315 --> 00:35:53,485
(audience applauding)

677
00:35:58,365 --> 00:36:01,952
I said, you can't
tell me all this.

678
00:36:01,994 --> 00:36:05,455
She goes, well, how 'bout
you listen? (clucks)

679
00:36:05,497 --> 00:36:08,500
(audience laughing)

680
00:36:09,668 --> 00:36:10,586
I'm like, you do?

681
00:36:10,627 --> 00:36:12,838
She's like, yeah! (clucking)

682
00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:16,925
And I realized at that
moment my ears were valuable.

683
00:36:18,218 --> 00:36:19,344
My ears were like tits,

684
00:36:21,930 --> 00:36:22,764
(audience laughing)

685
00:36:22,806 --> 00:36:24,641
and I was like, unh unh.

686
00:36:24,683 --> 00:36:26,101
You gotta earn it.

687
00:36:26,143 --> 00:36:28,020
(audience laughing)

688
00:36:28,061 --> 00:36:33,066
(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

689
00:36:38,614 --> 00:36:40,532
I understand women
have to hold it back.

690
00:36:40,574 --> 00:36:42,826
You have to hold
back the coochie.

691
00:36:42,868 --> 00:36:44,995
(audience laughing)

692
00:36:45,037 --> 00:36:48,040
Women hold back the coochie
'cause they don't want

693
00:36:48,081 --> 00:36:50,959
to make it all
about the coochie,

694
00:36:53,170 --> 00:36:56,048
but by holding back the coochie,

695
00:36:57,507 --> 00:37:00,510
aren't you making it
all about the coochie?

696
00:37:00,552 --> 00:37:03,639
(audience laughing)

697
00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:06,224
Isn't that like pumpkin
spice latte season?

698
00:37:06,266 --> 00:37:07,392
We know it's coming.

699
00:37:07,434 --> 00:37:09,686
(audience laughing)

700
00:37:09,728 --> 00:37:11,229
We can't wait for it.

701
00:37:15,567 --> 00:37:16,944
A lot of women say,
I can't have sex

702
00:37:16,985 --> 00:37:18,528
with somebody the first night.

703
00:37:18,570 --> 00:37:20,906
I can't have sex with a
guy on the first night.

704
00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:24,826
He'll never call me again.

705
00:37:25,994 --> 00:37:27,204
Like, who told you that?

706
00:37:28,413 --> 00:37:29,873
Another woman?

707
00:37:29,915 --> 00:37:33,543
(audience laughing)

708
00:37:33,585 --> 00:37:38,590
If a guy, if you go to Vegas
and a guy plays a slot machine,

709
00:37:39,758 --> 00:37:41,134
and he pulls a
lever and he hits,

710
00:37:43,095 --> 00:37:45,222
he's gonna go back to that slot.

711
00:37:45,263 --> 00:37:48,350
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

712
00:37:48,392 --> 00:37:50,102
That's a lucky slot.

713
00:37:53,522 --> 00:37:55,232
Mike, edit that part out,

714
00:37:55,273 --> 00:37:58,276
(audience laughing)

715
00:38:01,613 --> 00:38:05,242
but guys never go, oh my
God, we went out one night.

716
00:38:05,283 --> 00:38:07,035
No guy, what guy do
you know that's like,

717
00:38:07,077 --> 00:38:08,870
oh my God, we had
a wonderful date.

718
00:38:08,912 --> 00:38:13,125
We had a big dinner, we went
out and had great conversation,

719
00:38:14,459 --> 00:38:15,669
we fucked all night.

720
00:38:17,421 --> 00:38:19,089
I hate the bitch!

721
00:38:19,131 --> 00:38:20,882
(audience laughing)

722
00:38:20,924 --> 00:38:23,093
She made it so
easy, what a bitch!

723
00:38:23,135 --> 00:38:26,138
(audience laughing)

724
00:38:28,140 --> 00:38:30,475
Technology's ruining
romance, though, right?

725
00:38:31,727 --> 00:38:32,728
You agree with that?

726
00:38:34,146 --> 00:38:37,983
Like right now, if a guy is
remotely interested in a woman,

727
00:38:39,151 --> 00:38:40,193
one of the first
things a guy does

728
00:38:40,235 --> 00:38:42,863
is he sends the girl a dick pic.

729
00:38:42,904 --> 00:38:44,448
(audience laughing)

730
00:38:44,489 --> 00:38:46,867
Like, dick pics
are the new roses.

731
00:38:46,908 --> 00:38:49,494
(audience laughing)

732
00:38:49,536 --> 00:38:51,872
Guys are out there sending
a dozen fresh dicks.

733
00:38:54,833 --> 00:38:56,793
Do they even think
the women like that?

734
00:38:58,336 --> 00:38:59,212
Do they think the
women are like,

735
00:38:59,254 --> 00:39:00,922
oh my God, that is so sweet?

736
00:39:00,964 --> 00:39:04,134
(audience laughing)

737
00:39:04,176 --> 00:39:06,219
It's a shame they're
not long-stem, but.

738
00:39:06,261 --> 00:39:09,264
(audience laughing)

739
00:39:10,265 --> 00:39:11,641
Guys are so desperate.

740
00:39:12,934 --> 00:39:14,478
We're desperate animals.

741
00:39:14,519 --> 00:39:18,106
We're so desperate that we
put our dick in the phone.

742
00:39:18,148 --> 00:39:19,649
(audience laughing)

743
00:39:19,691 --> 00:39:21,318
Put our dick in the telephone.

744
00:39:21,359 --> 00:39:23,195
You think Alexander Graham Bell,

745
00:39:23,236 --> 00:39:26,907
(audience laughing)

746
00:39:26,948 --> 00:39:29,409
do you think when he
invented this thing,

747
00:39:29,451 --> 00:39:31,369
you think he had any idea,

748
00:39:31,411 --> 00:39:32,579
(audience laughing)

749
00:39:32,621 --> 00:39:34,498
it was gonna be used for this?

750
00:39:34,539 --> 00:39:36,625
(audience laughing)

751
00:39:36,666 --> 00:39:38,001
You think he tested it for that?

752
00:39:38,043 --> 00:39:39,628
He was like, he's
with Mr. Watson.

753
00:39:39,669 --> 00:39:40,462
Mr. Bell?

754
00:39:40,504 --> 00:39:42,089
Yes, this is Mr. Watson.

755
00:39:42,130 --> 00:39:44,174
This is the first phone call
in the history of mankind.

756
00:39:44,216 --> 00:39:47,511
We can talk to anyone,
call tribes in Timbuktu.

757
00:39:47,552 --> 00:39:49,012
That's excellent, Mr. Watson.

758
00:39:49,054 --> 00:39:51,056
Yes, yes I can hear you, chap.

759
00:39:51,098 --> 00:39:53,683
(audience laughing)

760
00:39:53,725 --> 00:39:55,102
Clarity is fine, yeah.

761
00:39:56,520 --> 00:40:00,899
Just one question, how do I
fit my dick through this thing?

762
00:40:00,941 --> 00:40:03,944
(audience laughing)

763
00:40:07,489 --> 00:40:09,825
We must make the base wider.

764
00:40:13,787 --> 00:40:16,790
I think guys were so
desperate they were sending

765
00:40:16,832 --> 00:40:19,084
dick pics before the phone.

766
00:40:20,502 --> 00:40:22,546
I think they were probably
sending dick telegrams.

767
00:40:22,587 --> 00:40:23,713
(audience laughing)

768
00:40:23,755 --> 00:40:26,383
Guys are out there
talking in Morse chode.

769
00:40:26,424 --> 00:40:29,261
(audience laughing)

770
00:40:29,302 --> 00:40:30,595
We're getting a telegram, sir.

771
00:40:30,637 --> 00:40:31,555
What does it say?

772
00:40:31,596 --> 00:40:33,890
(mimics telegram beeping) Dick.

773
00:40:33,932 --> 00:40:36,726
(audience laughing)

774
00:40:36,768 --> 00:40:39,104
End of telegram, sir.

775
00:40:39,146 --> 00:40:42,023
I bet guys were doing it
before that though, seriously.

776
00:40:42,065 --> 00:40:44,693
Don't you think guys were
probably sending dick paintings?

777
00:40:44,734 --> 00:40:47,404
(audience laughing)

778
00:40:47,445 --> 00:40:50,157
Like in the 1300s,
the Renaissance.

779
00:40:50,198 --> 00:40:52,284
Some English guy's out there
with his little assistant,

780
00:40:52,325 --> 00:40:53,660
his little serf, he's
doing a painting.

781
00:40:53,702 --> 00:40:57,914
It's like, look at the
beautiful shaft, yes.

782
00:40:57,956 --> 00:40:59,207
(audience laughing)

783
00:40:59,249 --> 00:41:03,795
Look at the color, yes,
and look at the texture.

784
00:41:05,547 --> 00:41:07,299
Look at the size of the cap.

785
00:41:11,094 --> 00:41:13,763
That is most excellent
work, sire, yes.

786
00:41:15,015 --> 00:41:17,976
Who on Earth do you
intend this for?

787
00:41:19,227 --> 00:41:21,563
I am going to give it
to Princess Stephanie.

788
00:41:21,605 --> 00:41:23,773
(audience laughing)

789
00:41:23,815 --> 00:41:26,318
I shall leave it outside
her window at two a.m.

790
00:41:28,445 --> 00:41:29,779
(audience laughing)

791
00:41:29,821 --> 00:41:31,990
I call it You Up?

792
00:41:32,032 --> 00:41:35,035
(audience laughing)

793
00:41:36,203 --> 00:41:40,916
(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

794
00:41:42,292 --> 00:41:43,585
And then you got these
fairy tales and they're like

795
00:41:43,627 --> 00:41:47,422
emotional porn for women.

796
00:41:48,924 --> 00:41:50,508
Fairy tales, right.

797
00:41:51,968 --> 00:41:54,262
Fairy tales teach women that
guys are different, like me.

798
00:41:55,764 --> 00:41:58,058
I think a lot of women
just think of guys as like,

799
00:41:58,099 --> 00:41:59,559
a perfect porn for
a woman in her eyes

800
00:41:59,601 --> 00:42:00,727
would just be a guy
who's all built,

801
00:42:00,769 --> 00:42:03,772
and is like, all right,
skimmed your pool.

802
00:42:06,191 --> 00:42:08,652
How 'bout those hedges,
need those trimmed?

803
00:42:08,693 --> 00:42:11,655
(audience laughing)

804
00:42:13,490 --> 00:42:15,492
And the woman's just
like, nanananana.

805
00:42:17,202 --> 00:42:19,454
You worked so hard
today, you're all sweaty.

806
00:42:19,496 --> 00:42:22,165
(audience laughing)

807
00:42:22,207 --> 00:42:25,293
Plus, my husband's not even
here and I have no way to pay.

808
00:42:25,335 --> 00:42:28,338
(audience laughing)

809
00:42:37,430 --> 00:42:39,099
I'm just stretching.

810
00:42:41,893 --> 00:42:45,939
I'm in my 40s, my back.

811
00:42:45,981 --> 00:42:49,442
(audience laughing)

812
00:42:49,484 --> 00:42:52,237
Women think the guy's gonna
be like, oh you wanna pay me?

813
00:42:52,279 --> 00:42:53,738
Oh yeah, I'll show you how you
can pay me, all right, yeah.

814
00:42:56,241 --> 00:42:59,035
You can pay me by
sitting down right there

815
00:42:59,077 --> 00:43:02,455
and you can start telling
me all about your day.

816
00:43:02,497 --> 00:43:05,500
(audience laughing)

817
00:43:07,002 --> 00:43:12,007
(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

818
00:43:16,511 --> 00:43:19,723
Oh, you had two
returns at Nordstrom's?

819
00:43:21,016 --> 00:43:23,059
That's so fucking hot.

820
00:43:23,101 --> 00:43:24,519
(audience laughing)

821
00:43:24,561 --> 00:43:27,605
Someone took your parking
space at Whole Foods?

822
00:43:27,647 --> 00:43:30,066
(audience laughing)

823
00:43:30,108 --> 00:43:31,109
Keep going, baby,

824
00:43:38,950 --> 00:43:42,078
and fairy tales, they teach
you to find Prince Charming.

825
00:43:42,120 --> 00:43:44,164
You get this guy,
right, Prince Charming.

826
00:43:44,205 --> 00:43:46,750
Prince Charming, he's
the perfect man, he's got

827
00:43:46,791 --> 00:43:51,087
the perfect hair, perfect
smile, the perfect shirt.

828
00:43:52,255 --> 00:43:53,923
Like, Prince Charming's
a little too perfect.

829
00:43:53,965 --> 00:43:55,550
I'm not saying he doesn't exist.

830
00:43:55,592 --> 00:44:00,597
He does, but he is
not looking for you,

831
00:44:01,306 --> 00:44:03,641
(audience laughing)

832
00:44:05,101 --> 00:44:08,229
'cause he is out there looking
for his own Prince Charming.

833
00:44:08,271 --> 00:44:10,565
(audience laughing)

834
00:44:10,607 --> 00:44:14,110
Prince Charming's as gay as a
bag of Skittles, am I right?

835
00:44:14,152 --> 00:44:18,490
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

836
00:44:18,531 --> 00:44:20,909
He sucks the rainbow, all right?

837
00:44:23,578 --> 00:44:26,122
Go and test my theory
if you don't believe me.

838
00:44:26,164 --> 00:44:27,540
All right, like Cinderella's
a story about a guy,

839
00:44:27,582 --> 00:44:30,460
Prince Charming, who chases
a girl for three days

840
00:44:30,502 --> 00:44:32,796
to give her a shoe.

841
00:44:32,837 --> 00:44:35,465
(audience laughing)

842
00:44:35,507 --> 00:44:36,966
That's gay.

843
00:44:37,008 --> 00:44:39,219
(audience laughing)

844
00:44:39,260 --> 00:44:41,179
Call your boyfriend the
next time you lose a shoe.

845
00:44:41,221 --> 00:44:42,138
Test my theory.

846
00:44:42,180 --> 00:44:44,015
Boyfriend is gonna be like, hey.

847
00:44:44,057 --> 00:44:45,183
What up babe, huh?

848
00:44:46,017 --> 00:44:47,894
You lost your shoe?

849
00:44:47,936 --> 00:44:50,230
(audience laughing)

850
00:44:50,271 --> 00:44:51,606
It was a Jimmy Choo?

851
00:44:53,191 --> 00:44:54,025
Who?

852
00:44:55,693 --> 00:44:57,654
Jimmy Choo's a shoe?

853
00:44:57,695 --> 00:45:00,490
(audience laughing)

854
00:45:00,532 --> 00:45:02,700
Well, just go to Target,
get two for $8, what?

855
00:45:06,371 --> 00:45:08,164
Go to Sears, they're bankrupt.

856
00:45:08,206 --> 00:45:09,332
Get four for $8, what?

857
00:45:11,668 --> 00:45:12,794
Babe, don't make
me come over there.

858
00:45:12,836 --> 00:45:14,921
I just had a burrito and I.

859
00:45:14,963 --> 00:45:17,090
(audience laughing)

860
00:45:17,132 --> 00:45:18,550
I'm feelin' gaseous.

861
00:45:23,721 --> 00:45:26,516
I bet if you lost your shoe
in front of your gay friend

862
00:45:26,558 --> 00:45:27,600
he'd be like, what!

863
00:45:28,601 --> 00:45:30,770
(audience laughing)

864
00:45:30,812 --> 00:45:31,688
Hold on.

865
00:45:31,729 --> 00:45:33,523
Daniel, Jeffrey, get the van,

866
00:45:33,565 --> 00:45:35,900
(audience laughing)

867
00:45:35,942 --> 00:45:39,028
and get the CSI swab kit
and the magnifying glass.

868
00:45:39,070 --> 00:45:40,113
Where?

869
00:45:42,490 --> 00:45:44,200
We'll be there in five.

870
00:45:44,242 --> 00:45:46,327
(audience laughing)

871
00:45:46,369 --> 00:45:47,454
We're gonna find this shoe

872
00:45:47,495 --> 00:45:49,372
before the next episode
of The Bachelor.

873
00:45:49,414 --> 00:45:51,416
(audience laughing)

874
00:45:52,083 --> 00:45:54,210
I love hip hop
man, it raised me.

875
00:45:55,587 --> 00:45:57,380
I can't listen to
rap music anymore.

876
00:45:57,422 --> 00:45:59,007
It's got too many N-words in it.

877
00:46:00,049 --> 00:46:02,218
See how uncomfortable
that's like?

878
00:46:02,260 --> 00:46:04,429
(audience laughing)

879
00:46:04,471 --> 00:46:06,389
Nair wants to know
where this is going.

880
00:46:06,431 --> 00:46:08,391
(audience laughing)

881
00:46:08,433 --> 00:46:10,268
I do, any other white guy does

882
00:46:10,310 --> 00:46:12,479
that part of the song comes on.

883
00:46:12,520 --> 00:46:13,396
(audience laughing)

884
00:46:13,438 --> 00:46:14,606
I shut my mouth immediately.

885
00:46:15,857 --> 00:46:16,816
You know what I'm saying?

886
00:46:16,858 --> 00:46:18,109
Right, you're in
the shower, bro.

887
00:46:18,151 --> 00:46:20,069
You got Biggie on Spotify,

888
00:46:20,111 --> 00:46:22,780
and that one part of
the song comes on.

889
00:46:22,822 --> 00:46:25,450
♪ If you don't
know, now you know ♪

890
00:46:25,492 --> 00:46:27,994
(hums)

891
00:46:28,036 --> 00:46:29,996
(audience laughing)

892
00:46:30,038 --> 00:46:31,623
I ain't saying shit!

893
00:46:33,500 --> 00:46:35,418
There could be a
camera in the loofah.

894
00:46:35,460 --> 00:46:39,255
(audience laughing)

895
00:46:39,297 --> 00:46:42,592
I wanna find replacement words
for that part of the song.

896
00:46:42,634 --> 00:46:46,137
♪ If you don't know,
now you know, neighbor ♪

897
00:46:46,179 --> 00:46:49,182
(audience laughing)

898
00:46:50,934 --> 00:46:55,021
♪ If you don't know,
now you know, nickel ♪

899
00:46:55,063 --> 00:46:56,272
(audience laughing)

900
00:46:56,314 --> 00:46:57,899
See, nickel got a
little weird, right.

901
00:46:57,941 --> 00:47:00,944
Nair is like, where you
going with this, baby?

902
00:47:00,985 --> 00:47:05,949
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

903
00:47:09,619 --> 00:47:12,330
Rappers never die
of natural causes.

904
00:47:12,372 --> 00:47:15,959
(audience laughing)

905
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:17,585
Isn't that twisted?

906
00:47:19,754 --> 00:47:20,672
They don't, right.

907
00:47:22,715 --> 00:47:24,801
They get killed, right.

908
00:47:24,842 --> 00:47:26,469
That doesn't happen in
other forms of music.

909
00:47:26,511 --> 00:47:28,680
That doesn't happen
in folk music.

910
00:47:28,721 --> 00:47:30,390
(audience laughing)

911
00:47:30,431 --> 00:47:34,018
No members of Mumford & Sons
is suddenly gonna get got.

912
00:47:34,060 --> 00:47:39,065
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

913
00:47:40,233 --> 00:47:41,025
Not gonna,

914
00:47:41,067 --> 00:47:43,653
♪ Hey buddy ♪

915
00:47:43,695 --> 00:47:44,904
what'd I tell you?

916
00:47:44,946 --> 00:47:46,656
Oh, it's on, ya
dirty leprechaun.

917
00:47:46,698 --> 00:47:48,157
(mimics gunshots)

918
00:47:48,199 --> 00:47:50,201
Fuck you, ya piece of shite!

919
00:47:50,243 --> 00:47:51,661
(mimics gunshots)

920
00:47:51,703 --> 00:47:53,830
You stole me shillelagh.

921
00:47:53,871 --> 00:47:55,915
(audience laughing)

922
00:47:55,957 --> 00:47:58,293
Rappers get killed, all right.

923
00:47:58,334 --> 00:48:02,130
Biggie got shot, Tupac got shot.

924
00:48:02,171 --> 00:48:03,756
They never die of
natural causes.

925
00:48:06,301 --> 00:48:08,261
You never see on the news,

926
00:48:08,303 --> 00:48:10,888
and in news today, rapper
Gucci Mane died today

927
00:48:12,557 --> 00:48:15,018
after a lengthy battle
with heart disease.

928
00:48:15,059 --> 00:48:17,562
(audience laughing)

929
00:48:17,604 --> 00:48:18,771
He was 74.

930
00:48:20,732 --> 00:48:22,483
He is survived by
all his (hums).

931
00:48:28,197 --> 00:48:31,534
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

932
00:48:31,576 --> 00:48:34,287
I, I appreciate you guys
letting me do some jokes

933
00:48:34,329 --> 00:48:35,580
and not be offended.

934
00:48:35,622 --> 00:48:37,373
(audience laughing)

935
00:48:37,415 --> 00:48:41,169
People get offended
at jokes now.

936
00:48:41,210 --> 00:48:43,087
People say I can't do
certain jokes no more.

937
00:48:44,589 --> 00:48:46,883
I'm a white male in my 40s,
it's not a good time for us.

938
00:48:46,924 --> 00:48:49,927
(audience laughing)

939
00:48:51,387 --> 00:48:53,973
Look at this guy shaking
his head, poor bastard.

940
00:48:55,141 --> 00:48:56,434
We had a good run, though.

941
00:48:56,476 --> 00:48:57,894
We had a nice run.

942
00:48:57,935 --> 00:48:59,562
(audience laughing)

943
00:48:59,604 --> 00:49:01,272
I'll see you at
the box, you know,

944
00:49:03,691 --> 00:49:07,236
but people get all
hurt about jokes.

945
00:49:07,278 --> 00:49:10,907
I just wanna say, any
minority, any person of color,

946
00:49:10,948 --> 00:49:13,868
any person who feels
marginalized at all,

947
00:49:13,910 --> 00:49:15,328
that's what I say,
should have the right

948
00:49:15,370 --> 00:49:17,747
to go up to any white person
at any time and just go,

949
00:49:17,789 --> 00:49:21,084
Hey, fuck you!

950
00:49:21,125 --> 00:49:23,378
(audience laughing)

951
00:49:23,419 --> 00:49:24,587
And if the white person is cool,

952
00:49:24,629 --> 00:49:26,255
they'll be like yeah,
sorry about that.

953
00:49:26,297 --> 00:49:29,592
(audience laughing)

954
00:49:29,634 --> 00:49:30,551
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

955
00:49:30,593 --> 00:49:31,427
I am, though,

956
00:49:33,304 --> 00:49:35,264
but people say offensive
stuff all the time.

957
00:49:35,306 --> 00:49:37,642
We all say offensive stuff
and get away with it.

958
00:49:37,684 --> 00:49:39,602
A couple of years
ago, if a black guy

959
00:49:39,644 --> 00:49:42,897
wanted to give another
black guy a compliment,

960
00:49:42,939 --> 00:49:45,358
and he didn't want people
to think they were gay,

961
00:49:45,400 --> 00:49:48,361
they always ended the
phrase with, no homo,

962
00:49:48,403 --> 00:49:51,406
(audience laughing)

963
00:49:52,407 --> 00:49:53,616
at the end.

964
00:49:53,658 --> 00:49:54,784
Dude be like, yo, man,
you workin' out, man?

965
00:49:54,826 --> 00:49:56,994
Yeah, yo homes looking
kinda big, man.

966
00:49:58,246 --> 00:49:59,414
Could wrap a
motherfucker up at night,

967
00:49:59,455 --> 00:50:02,625
make sure those
bedbugs don't bite.

968
00:50:02,667 --> 00:50:04,502
(audience laughing)

969
00:50:04,544 --> 00:50:08,965
No homo, know what
I'm sayin', no homo.

970
00:50:09,006 --> 00:50:10,133
What you usin' on
your skin, man?

971
00:50:10,174 --> 00:50:12,802
That shit looks smooth, man.

972
00:50:12,844 --> 00:50:14,095
Looks like Rihanna's
buttcheeks and shit,

973
00:50:14,137 --> 00:50:15,555
know what I'm sayin'?

974
00:50:15,596 --> 00:50:16,806
(audience laughing)

975
00:50:16,848 --> 00:50:19,767
Smell tropical too,
know what I'm sayin'?

976
00:50:19,809 --> 00:50:21,811
No homo, you know
what I'm sayin'?

977
00:50:21,853 --> 00:50:24,063
(audience laughing)

978
00:50:24,105 --> 00:50:26,482
I'm not gay or nothin', I'm
just saying you're looking good,

979
00:50:26,524 --> 00:50:28,526
you know what I'm sayin'?

980
00:50:28,568 --> 00:50:31,279
Your lips is looking juicy,
son, you know what I'm sayin'?

981
00:50:31,320 --> 00:50:32,780
(audience laughing)

982
00:50:32,822 --> 00:50:34,073
Dude, you watch that Matthew
McConaughey-Bradley Cooper

983
00:50:34,115 --> 00:50:35,700
rape movie last night?

984
00:50:35,742 --> 00:50:38,119
(audience laughing)

985
00:50:38,161 --> 00:50:39,495
No homo, know what I'm sayin'?

986
00:50:39,537 --> 00:50:40,371
I'm just sayin'.

987
00:50:40,413 --> 00:50:41,873
(audience laughing)

988
00:50:41,914 --> 00:50:43,458
I'm saying if you wanna
reenact that shit, we could.

989
00:50:43,499 --> 00:50:45,251
I'm just sayin'.

990
00:50:45,293 --> 00:50:46,294
(audience laughing)

991
00:50:46,335 --> 00:50:47,170
No homo,

992
00:50:49,130 --> 00:50:52,091
but that is offensive,
no homo is offensive.

993
00:50:52,133 --> 00:50:54,427
That's offensive
to our gay friends.

994
00:50:54,469 --> 00:50:56,095
Why does that phrase get a pass?

995
00:50:56,137 --> 00:50:59,098
Imagine if I did that, what
if I had a weird phrase?

996
00:50:59,140 --> 00:51:02,185
I was just out like,
yo, I just said 18 cents

997
00:51:02,226 --> 00:51:04,270
on a cup of coffee, no Hebro.

998
00:51:05,271 --> 00:51:07,690
(audience laughing)

999
00:51:07,732 --> 00:51:10,276
Hey, today I did my own
gardening, no Pedro.

1000
00:51:10,318 --> 00:51:13,362
(audience laughing)

1001
00:51:13,404 --> 00:51:15,907
Hey girl, let me get
that BJ, no teeth-though.

1002
00:51:15,948 --> 00:51:18,951
(audience laughing)

1003
00:51:20,578 --> 00:51:23,748
(audience applauding)

1004
00:51:29,003 --> 00:51:30,213
I think gays should
take the phrase back

1005
00:51:30,254 --> 00:51:31,506
and make it their own.

1006
00:51:31,547 --> 00:51:32,965
Just be like, hi
waitress, can I have

1007
00:51:33,007 --> 00:51:34,842
a Diet Coke with a pink straw?

1008
00:51:34,884 --> 00:51:36,385
So homo.

1009
00:51:36,427 --> 00:51:39,430
(audience laughing)

1010
00:51:40,264 --> 00:51:42,225
There's Vincent, yo homo!

1011
00:51:42,266 --> 00:51:45,269
(audience laughing)

1012
00:51:45,311 --> 00:51:46,395
Guys, I think I'm missing out.

1013
00:51:46,437 --> 00:51:47,939
I think I wanna try pussy.

1014
00:51:47,980 --> 00:51:49,232
No homo!

1015
00:51:49,273 --> 00:51:52,276
(audience laughing)

1016
00:51:53,569 --> 00:51:54,403
No homo.

1017
00:51:58,574 --> 00:52:01,786
Now you go home,
homo, and you blowjob.

1018
00:52:03,704 --> 00:52:06,040
(audience laughing)

1019
00:52:06,082 --> 00:52:06,916
I'm kidding, I'm
kidding, I'm kidding.

1020
00:52:12,505 --> 00:52:17,468
People worry about like,
racism, classism, sexism.

1021
00:52:18,845 --> 00:52:20,638
I understand, we've gotta
work on all that stuff, right,

1022
00:52:20,680 --> 00:52:23,140
but I don't think people
talk about, enough,

1023
00:52:23,182 --> 00:52:25,226
I don't think people talk
enough about the real problem

1024
00:52:25,268 --> 00:52:28,938
which is coming,
which is roboticism.

1025
00:52:33,985 --> 00:52:36,571
(audience laughing)

1026
00:52:36,612 --> 00:52:38,239
Robots are coming, all right.

1027
00:52:38,281 --> 00:52:40,616
I mean, fuck, robots
are already here.

1028
00:52:40,658 --> 00:52:42,869
(audience laughing)

1029
00:52:42,910 --> 00:52:44,537
I'm sorry, Uber drivers.

1030
00:52:46,998 --> 00:52:49,667
Robots have a way better
sense of direction,

1031
00:52:49,709 --> 00:52:51,168
and they won't talk
to me awkwardly

1032
00:52:51,210 --> 00:52:53,462
about their families
back in Armenia.

1033
00:52:53,504 --> 00:52:56,674
(audience laughing)

1034
00:52:56,716 --> 00:52:58,718
My friend, where do you go?

1035
00:53:00,344 --> 00:53:01,721
Shut the fuck app.

1036
00:53:04,015 --> 00:53:05,850
That's what I tell 'em.

1037
00:53:05,892 --> 00:53:06,809
I'm sorry, doctors.

1038
00:53:06,851 --> 00:53:09,020
Robots are coming for you too.

1039
00:53:09,061 --> 00:53:11,856
Who do you think I'd rather
have my balls held by,

1040
00:53:11,898 --> 00:53:14,859
(audience laughing)

1041
00:53:16,193 --> 00:53:18,112
an old Jewish guy who
holds 10 pairs a day

1042
00:53:18,154 --> 00:53:19,488
for the last 30 years,

1043
00:53:20,990 --> 00:53:21,866
and likes to make small talk

1044
00:53:21,908 --> 00:53:23,951
as he's looking for my prostate.

1045
00:53:25,453 --> 00:53:26,454
Hey, what are you doing?

1046
00:53:26,495 --> 00:53:27,663
What have you been up to?

1047
00:53:27,705 --> 00:53:28,623
Haven't seen you in a
while, what are you,

1048
00:53:28,664 --> 00:53:30,082
in that new movie Tremors?

1049
00:53:30,124 --> 00:53:32,001
(audience laughing)

1050
00:53:32,043 --> 00:53:33,711
Something about giant
worms or something?

1051
00:53:34,754 --> 00:53:36,547
I'm like, Graboids.

1052
00:53:36,589 --> 00:53:37,798
Graboids?

1053
00:53:37,840 --> 00:53:39,508
I gotta Graboid your
balls, come here.

1054
00:53:39,550 --> 00:53:41,802
(audience laughing)

1055
00:53:41,844 --> 00:53:42,678
Breathe.

1056
00:53:43,930 --> 00:53:45,181
You think I'd rather have that,

1057
00:53:45,222 --> 00:53:48,225
or the smooth, silky
hand of an android,

1058
00:53:50,061 --> 00:53:52,188
all right, with
automatic ball warmers?

1059
00:53:52,229 --> 00:53:54,941
(audience laughing)

1060
00:53:54,982 --> 00:53:58,945
Dick, James. (mimics whirring)

1061
00:53:58,986 --> 00:54:03,991
(tongue clicks)
(mimics whirring)

1062
00:54:04,742 --> 00:54:06,911
Your balls are clear.

1063
00:54:06,953 --> 00:54:09,956
(audience laughing)

1064
00:54:11,624 --> 00:54:13,709
I gotta go with
Skynet on that one.

1065
00:54:13,751 --> 00:54:16,754
(audience laughing)

1066
00:54:20,633 --> 00:54:23,135
Robots are coming, man,
and one good thing is

1067
00:54:23,177 --> 00:54:25,012
is this is going to
be very efficient

1068
00:54:26,472 --> 00:54:28,140
and I also think that robots
are gonna bring us together

1069
00:54:28,182 --> 00:54:30,309
as humans because all of us

1070
00:54:30,351 --> 00:54:33,729
are banding together, all
races and sexualities,

1071
00:54:34,855 --> 00:54:37,441
and they're gonna be
the new racist targets.

1072
00:54:37,483 --> 00:54:39,860
(audience laughing)

1073
00:54:39,902 --> 00:54:42,738
Right, you see truck drivers,
I saw these truck drivers

1074
00:54:42,780 --> 00:54:44,657
looking at a driverless
truck, right.

1075
00:54:44,699 --> 00:54:46,075
I watched them, I
was looking at it,

1076
00:54:46,117 --> 00:54:47,284
and they were just talking,

1077
00:54:47,326 --> 00:54:48,244
I imagine what they
were saying, just like,

1078
00:54:48,285 --> 00:54:50,746
look at this Goddamn rustback.

1079
00:54:50,788 --> 00:54:53,791
(audience laughing)

1080
00:54:54,917 --> 00:54:56,502
I say we take 'em
apart and ship him back

1081
00:54:56,544 --> 00:54:58,337
to the factory they came from!

1082
00:54:58,379 --> 00:55:00,297
(audience laughing)

1083
00:55:00,339 --> 00:55:02,717
You're made in China,
you go work in China!

1084
00:55:02,758 --> 00:55:04,885
(audience laughing)

1085
00:55:04,927 --> 00:55:07,304
Flesh and bone before chrome!

1086
00:55:11,308 --> 00:55:12,977
I went to IHOP the other day.

1087
00:55:13,019 --> 00:55:16,105
Half the menu's in English, the
other half's in binary code.

1088
00:55:16,147 --> 00:55:19,817
(audience laughing)

1089
00:55:19,859 --> 00:55:20,985
You hear about Valerie?

1090
00:55:21,027 --> 00:55:23,070
Her little daughter's
dating a robot.

1091
00:55:23,112 --> 00:55:24,947
(audience laughing)

1092
00:55:24,989 --> 00:55:26,532
Gonna have some kids.

1093
00:55:26,574 --> 00:55:28,784
Probably have a bunch
of metal-lattos.

1094
00:55:28,826 --> 00:55:32,580
(audience laughing)

1095
00:55:32,621 --> 00:55:34,040
The other thing is that women,

1096
00:55:34,081 --> 00:55:35,583
you guys have known about
this for a long time.

1097
00:55:35,624 --> 00:55:38,044
You're smarter than men,
you're well thought out.

1098
00:55:38,085 --> 00:55:39,503
All right, you plan.

1099
00:55:39,545 --> 00:55:43,924
You've known about this
robotic invasion for years,

1100
00:55:43,966 --> 00:55:48,012
'cause every woman in this
room, in her top dresser drawer,

1101
00:55:48,054 --> 00:55:51,766
(audience laughing)

1102
00:55:51,807 --> 00:55:56,062
is a little, vibrating,
shiny, wiggly robot.

1103
00:55:56,103 --> 00:55:57,521
(audience laughing)

1104
00:55:57,563 --> 00:56:01,025
It lights up, swivels,

1105
00:56:01,067 --> 00:56:03,861
(audience laughing)

1106
00:56:03,903 --> 00:56:05,821
and it may or may
not have Wi-Fi.

1107
00:56:05,863 --> 00:56:09,325
(audience laughing)

1108
00:56:09,366 --> 00:56:12,203
You give it cute little names
like Matthew McCumaghey,

1109
00:56:13,788 --> 00:56:17,917
Robert Downlow, Jr., Drake.

1110
00:56:20,377 --> 00:56:21,962
That thing has been
doing men's jobs

1111
00:56:22,004 --> 00:56:23,631
for decades, you
agree with that?

1112
00:56:26,050 --> 00:56:27,635
Ma'am, could you look
more disinterested?

1113
00:56:27,676 --> 00:56:28,803
Thank you.

1114
00:56:28,844 --> 00:56:30,846
(audience laughing)

1115
00:56:30,888 --> 00:56:31,680
So, what the hell?

1116
00:56:31,722 --> 00:56:32,973
Please cut to her face.

1117
00:56:34,266 --> 00:56:37,269
(audience laughing)

1118
00:56:39,146 --> 00:56:41,190
Every woman has a
robot in her drawer.

1119
00:56:41,232 --> 00:56:44,360
(audience laughing)

1120
00:56:44,401 --> 00:56:47,446
(chuckles) Mine need batteries.

1121
00:56:50,825 --> 00:56:53,619
No, but robots.

1122
00:56:59,708 --> 00:57:00,876
Hey, you ever think one of those

1123
00:57:00,918 --> 00:57:03,796
wiggly, vibrating
robots that women have.

1124
00:57:05,256 --> 00:57:07,967
If you were out at the
fucking mall and your bag

1125
00:57:08,008 --> 00:57:09,844
and it fell out on the
ground and you're like,

1126
00:57:09,885 --> 00:57:11,428
(smacking floor)

1127
00:57:11,470 --> 00:57:12,263
(audience laughing)

1128
00:57:12,304 --> 00:57:13,139
ooh, sorry about that.

1129
00:57:14,265 --> 00:57:15,683
My husband's out of town.

1130
00:57:15,724 --> 00:57:17,768
(audience laughing)

1131
00:57:17,810 --> 00:57:20,604
Tommy Travel-a-lot, you know.

1132
00:57:20,646 --> 00:57:22,731
I gotta get mine, right.

1133
00:57:22,773 --> 00:57:25,484
Other women in society just
go, oh yeah, you go girl.

1134
00:57:25,526 --> 00:57:26,360
You get it.

1135
00:57:27,820 --> 00:57:32,366
Mmm, right, but if I
would had a backpack,

1136
00:57:32,408 --> 00:57:36,036
(audience laughing)

1137
00:57:36,078 --> 00:57:38,414
and some pocket pussy
fell out and I was like,

1138
00:57:40,457 --> 00:57:43,419
sorry about that, that was
actually a whole woman but,

1139
00:57:43,460 --> 00:57:45,212
(audience laughing)

1140
00:57:45,254 --> 00:57:48,632
I couldn't fit her in my bag
so I just cut that area out,

1141
00:57:48,674 --> 00:57:50,092
(audience laughing)

1142
00:57:50,134 --> 00:57:52,094
and I'm just gonna use this
to jam on my dick later

1143
00:57:54,513 --> 00:57:55,931
in the gas station bathroom

1144
00:57:55,973 --> 00:57:58,184
and twist it like
a fuckin' orange,

1145
00:57:58,225 --> 00:58:01,187
(audience laughing)

1146
00:58:02,897 --> 00:58:04,899
I would be destroyed!

1147
00:58:13,490 --> 00:58:14,450
So when you leave here tonight,

1148
00:58:14,491 --> 00:58:16,118
may sure you tip
your waitresses.

1149
00:58:17,620 --> 00:58:21,165
When they're walking by, give
'em a little smack on the ass,

1150
00:58:21,207 --> 00:58:24,293
(audience laughing)

1151
00:58:24,335 --> 00:58:26,587
'cause in three years, that
thing's gonna be metal.

1152
00:58:26,629 --> 00:58:28,923
(audience laughing)

1153
00:58:28,964 --> 00:58:30,507
I'm sorry, Chanley, I'm sorry.

1154
00:58:32,509 --> 00:58:34,178
Shoulda went to college.

1155
00:58:34,220 --> 00:58:36,889
(audience laughing)

1156
00:58:36,931 --> 00:58:39,391
I hate student loan
debt, by the way.

1157
00:58:39,433 --> 00:58:41,977
(audience cheering)

1158
00:58:42,019 --> 00:58:42,978
Fuck that shit.

1159
00:58:44,730 --> 00:58:47,107
I hate student loan debt
commercials even more.

1160
00:58:48,525 --> 00:58:49,777
Is student loan debt
ruining your life?

1161
00:58:49,818 --> 00:58:52,112
Is student loan debt
ruining your credit?

1162
00:58:52,154 --> 00:58:56,492
Yes, and it's also ruining
this episode of Maury.

1163
00:58:56,533 --> 00:59:01,538
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

1164
00:59:02,957 --> 00:59:06,168
I have a foolproof way we
can stop this bleeding, okay.

1165
00:59:06,210 --> 00:59:09,213
Maybe not everybody
needs to go to college.

1166
00:59:09,255 --> 00:59:12,383
(audience applauding)

1167
00:59:13,550 --> 00:59:15,552
The average cost of
college in America

1168
00:59:15,594 --> 00:59:20,599
on the low end is $23,000,
so for four years that is.

1169
00:59:23,894 --> 00:59:26,563
(audience laughing)

1170
00:59:26,605 --> 00:59:31,277
I don't know, but I have a phone

1171
00:59:31,318 --> 00:59:33,529
with a calculator
who will tell me.

1172
00:59:33,570 --> 00:59:36,573
(audience laughing)

1173
00:59:36,615 --> 00:59:38,534
It's $92,000, I
figured it out, 92.

1174
00:59:38,575 --> 00:59:41,036
$92,000, that's a lot of money.

1175
00:59:41,078 --> 00:59:42,871
Let's say you want
to go to college.

1176
00:59:42,913 --> 00:59:44,123
Let's say you want
to go to college

1177
00:59:44,164 --> 00:59:45,916
and want to get a
degree in business.

1178
00:59:47,334 --> 00:59:51,005
Why not spend $2,000 on books
on how to start a business,

1179
00:59:51,046 --> 00:59:55,718
watch a bunch of YouTube videos
on how to start a business,

1180
00:59:57,094 --> 01:00:00,806
and use the $90,000 to
start an actual business?

1181
01:00:00,848 --> 01:00:05,853
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

1182
01:00:06,854 --> 01:00:08,731
(audience cheering)

1183
01:00:08,772 --> 01:00:09,940
Let's say you want
to go to college

1184
01:00:09,982 --> 01:00:11,900
and you want to take
women's studies.

1185
01:00:11,942 --> 01:00:14,862
(audience laughing)

1186
01:00:16,238 --> 01:00:21,118
You know how much you can
learn about women with $92,000?

1187
01:00:21,827 --> 01:00:23,537
Give a woman $92,000.

1188
01:00:24,747 --> 01:00:26,874
You'll get a degree real quick.

1189
01:00:26,915 --> 01:00:28,125
(audience laughing)

1190
01:00:28,167 --> 01:00:33,047
You can get a Ph.D., an
M.D., STD, you can get.

1191
01:00:33,088 --> 01:00:35,966
(audience laughing)

1192
01:00:36,008 --> 01:00:37,468
You don't have to
spend all that money.

1193
01:00:37,509 --> 01:00:39,928
You can just take her to
a couple dinners for $500.

1194
01:00:39,970 --> 01:00:44,975
You'll learn all the women's
issues you ever wanted to hear.

1195
01:00:47,895 --> 01:00:50,439
All right, but seriously
though, do we need college?

1196
01:00:50,481 --> 01:00:53,776
I mean, do we really need
another history teacher?

1197
01:00:53,817 --> 01:00:56,945
(audience laughing)

1198
01:00:56,987 --> 01:00:57,863
Why oh?

1199
01:00:57,905 --> 01:00:59,698
I have one, her name is Siri.

1200
01:00:59,740 --> 01:01:01,492
(audience laughing)

1201
01:01:01,533 --> 01:01:02,368
She's great.

1202
01:01:03,619 --> 01:01:05,120
She's, that's a lot of bullshit.

1203
01:01:05,162 --> 01:01:06,622
I'm not saying not everybody
shouldn't go to college.

1204
01:01:06,663 --> 01:01:08,290
I mean, I don't want to
walk in my doctor's office

1205
01:01:08,332 --> 01:01:10,918
and see, Proctology by DeVry.

1206
01:01:10,959 --> 01:01:13,754
(audience laughing)

1207
01:01:13,796 --> 01:01:15,798
ITT Technical Institute.

1208
01:01:19,051 --> 01:01:20,928
There's a lot of bullshit
degrees out there, though.

1209
01:01:20,969 --> 01:01:22,930
Listen to this one.

1210
01:01:22,971 --> 01:01:24,640
University of Indiana,

1211
01:01:24,681 --> 01:01:28,685
they had a degree in
bowling management.

1212
01:01:28,727 --> 01:01:31,397
(audience laughing)

1213
01:01:31,438 --> 01:01:33,107
Anybody here go to Indiana?

1214
01:01:35,150 --> 01:01:38,779
Bowling management, that
means some poor guy learned,

1215
01:01:38,821 --> 01:01:40,656
poor guy had to
pay almost $100,000

1216
01:01:40,697 --> 01:01:44,076
to learn how to deodorize
shoes and make nachos,

1217
01:01:44,118 --> 01:01:47,079
(audience laughing)

1218
01:01:47,121 --> 01:01:48,122
and was like, bro, don't
bother me right now.

1219
01:01:48,163 --> 01:01:50,457
I got my ball waxing final.

1220
01:01:50,499 --> 01:01:54,211
(audience laughing)

1221
01:01:54,253 --> 01:01:56,004
Left-right, right-left?

1222
01:01:57,673 --> 01:02:01,427
University of Connecticut,
they have a degree in puppetry.

1223
01:02:03,387 --> 01:02:04,638
Puppetry!

1224
01:02:04,680 --> 01:02:06,473
Let me ask all the
fathers out there.

1225
01:02:06,515 --> 01:02:09,810
Right now, would you be more
depressed if your daughter

1226
01:02:09,852 --> 01:02:13,897
became a stripper or your
son became a puppeteer?

1227
01:02:13,939 --> 01:02:17,401
(audience laughing)

1228
01:02:17,443 --> 01:02:20,737
Weigh those on the scales
of disappointment in life.

1229
01:02:20,779 --> 01:02:23,949
(audience applauding)

1230
01:02:27,744 --> 01:02:29,872
You know that's a real
scenario out there.

1231
01:02:31,373 --> 01:02:32,624
Some guy's talking
to his friends.

1232
01:02:32,666 --> 01:02:33,959
Hey, Phil, how's the kids?

1233
01:02:34,001 --> 01:02:35,544
Aren't they grown?

1234
01:02:35,586 --> 01:02:37,796
Oh yeah, my young
daughter's doing great.

1235
01:02:39,256 --> 01:02:41,967
She's now dancing the main
stage during peak hours,

1236
01:02:42,009 --> 01:02:43,719
(audience laughing)

1237
01:02:43,760 --> 01:02:45,762
down here at the Golden Cheetah.

1238
01:02:46,847 --> 01:02:48,891
She even give a handjob

1239
01:02:48,932 --> 01:02:50,100
(audience laughing)

1240
01:02:50,142 --> 01:02:51,894
to a professional
football player,

1241
01:02:51,935 --> 01:02:56,940
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

1242
01:02:59,026 --> 01:03:00,194
in the champagne room.

1243
01:03:00,235 --> 01:03:02,154
My little Cinnamon's
making it rain!

1244
01:03:04,781 --> 01:03:06,200
How about your son, Phil Jr.?

1245
01:03:06,241 --> 01:03:07,242
Isn't he a puppeteer?

1246
01:03:07,284 --> 01:03:08,869
Yeah, we don't talk about him.

1247
01:03:08,911 --> 01:03:12,080
(audience laughing)

1248
01:03:12,122 --> 01:03:13,123
He's dead to us.

1249
01:03:16,043 --> 01:03:17,252
Puppeteer, man.

1250
01:03:17,294 --> 01:03:19,796
A poor guy paid almost
$100,000 for him

1251
01:03:19,838 --> 01:03:22,049
to have his hand
up a Fraggle's ass.

1252
01:03:22,090 --> 01:03:23,217
(audience laughing)

1253
01:03:23,258 --> 01:03:24,384
Fraggle Rock.

1254
01:03:24,426 --> 01:03:26,762
Hey Pop, you got a lot of debt.

1255
01:03:26,803 --> 01:03:29,806
(audience laughing)

1256
01:03:33,060 --> 01:03:34,895
I'm not saying not everybody
shouldn't go to college.

1257
01:03:34,937 --> 01:03:36,355
I'm just sayin',
I just don't think

1258
01:03:36,396 --> 01:03:38,065
you have to go to college
if you're successful.

1259
01:03:38,106 --> 01:03:39,274
You agree with that?

1260
01:03:39,316 --> 01:03:40,526
(audience cheering)

1261
01:03:40,567 --> 01:03:41,401
Look at all the
people who didn't.

1262
01:03:41,443 --> 01:03:43,362
(audience applauding)

1263
01:03:43,403 --> 01:03:47,866
We got Thomas Edison,
Mark Zuckerberg,

1264
01:03:48,825 --> 01:03:53,163
Steve Jobs, Oprah, me.

1265
01:03:53,205 --> 01:03:56,959
(audience applauding)

1266
01:03:57,000 --> 01:03:58,377
Look how good I'm doin'.

1267
01:04:00,003 --> 01:04:03,632
I'm 46, I'm trying to get tit,

1268
01:04:03,674 --> 01:04:05,467
(audience laughing)

1269
01:04:05,509 --> 01:04:07,177
hangin' in a bowling alley.

1270
01:04:07,219 --> 01:04:12,224
(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

1271
01:04:13,642 --> 01:04:15,018
You guys, that's it.

1272
01:04:19,815 --> 01:04:22,734
Thank you, thank you.

1273
01:04:22,776 --> 01:04:23,986
Stop it.

1274
01:04:24,027 --> 01:04:25,153
(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

1275
01:04:25,195 --> 01:04:26,029
Stop it.

1276
01:04:28,073 --> 01:04:29,283
Thank you.

1277
01:04:29,324 --> 01:04:33,912
(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

1278
01:04:35,747 --> 01:04:37,040
Appreciate you.

1279
01:04:37,082 --> 01:04:42,087
(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)