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(hip hop music)
- [Emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, the star of Tremors 6,
please make some noise for Mr. Jamie Kennedy.
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
Wow.
You guys, I gotta tell you somethin'.
I have starred in movies.
I have had my own television show.
I have played 5,000 people in London,
(audience laughing)
but tonight, I'm playing the back of a bowling alley
(audience laughing)
in Huntington Beach.
(audience cheering)
Woo!
Yeah!
Career's going great.
Agent's got me at a fucking smoothie stand next week.
(audience laughing)
How many people came here tonight
'cause they got my blast on Facebook?
(light clapping)
Well, that was.
(audience laughing)
That was incredible, that was.
Two and a half people, that is.
(audience laughing)
Wow, this is starting great so far, this special, this is.
I'll be at a rolling skating rink next week.
(audience laughing)
I have 183,000 friends, okay, I have.
Just have two here,
(audience laughing)
in Huntington, Jesus,
but I've done a lot of, how many people came
'cause they heard me on the radio?
(audience laughing)
The marketing at this bowling alley is incredible.
This is.
(audience laughing)
How many people were just returning their shoes
and happened to see I was in the back
and just were?
(audience laughing)
Wait, this isn't like a Groupon show, is it?
(audience laughing)
I hate those.
I've done those.
60% off Jamie Kennedy,
(audience laughing)
with some teeth whitening.
(audience laughing)
You heard it though, they said I was the star of Tremors 6,
(audience laughing)
my latest credit.
How many people didn't know there was a Tremors 5?
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
That was a lot of clap, that was.
They're reviving everything, right?
Like they want me to do another Tremors.
I'm gonna do Tremors 'til I'm 80,
'til I have actual tremors.
(audience laughing)
Tremors 17: This Soup is Hot.
(audience laughing)
Tremors 18: Shittin' In a Bag.
(audience laughing)
[Audience Male] Malibu!
Malibu, thank you sir.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
Thank you, Malibu, Malibu.
I remember that job.
(audience laughing)
I love when people shout out old jobs.
Imagine if I did that to people.
Bed, Bath, and Beyond!
(audience laughing)
Chick-Fil-A!
(audience laughing)
DMV in the house.
I appreciate you guys recognize me, thank you,
'cause I never know my level of fame, you know what I mean.
(squeaks)
I know, was that a mouse?
(audience laughing)
(mimics squeak)
I never know my level of fame, you know what I mean.
Famous people, we're like animals.
You see one of 'em, it's like being on a safari.
All right, your girlfriend's out there,
she's like (gasping) honey, honey, look, look, look, look.
(audience laughing)
I think that's a George Clooney.
He's eating an apple.
Hold on. (tongue clicking)
(audience laughing)
(tongue clicking) Here, Georgie, Georgie, Georgie.
(audience laughing)
I want him to eat out of my hand.
You see George Clooney, that's like seeing
a rare albino giraffe.
(audience laughing)
People see me, I'm more like a pigeon,
(audience laughing)
and I got yell directly in my face type of fame,
like people have no problems interrupting me at all.
People are always like, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, Jamie Kennedy, dude.
Hey, what are you doing in Olive Garden, dude?
(audience laughing)
Are you broke or?
I did that joke in Reseda, people are like,
what's wrong with Olive Garden?
(audience laughing)
I did that joke in Victorville, they go,
we have an Olive Garden?
(audience laughing)
I got recognized the other day, right.
I'm at the airport.
TSA lady, she took my license, she looked at it,
she's like, I'm Shannon.
I'm with Jamie Kennedy, okay.
Ooh, I used to love your ass back in the day.
(audience laughing)
I'm like, the day is still here.
(audience laughing)
It's Jamie Kenne-DAY, it's not.
(audience laughing)
It's not dusk, it's like 3:30.
I appreciate you letting me do that character,
'cause that was a black woman,
(audience laughing)
but it's, she lives inside of me.
Inside, I feel,
(audience laughing)
as a black woman, you know what I mean?
I think it's 'cause I watched
a lot of Angela Bassett movies
(audience laughing)
as a child.
I love Angela Bassett, right, that chick.
Even her littlest moments in her movies, she's so dramatic.
She's so good.
Little kid's like, little kid's like,
hey mom, can you pass the salt?
What I tell you about the goddamn salt?
(audience laughing)
Boy, your blood pressure's through the roof!
Your great-granddaddy Alonzo.
Black lady's laughing, white people don't know if they can.
(audience laughing)
It's okay, guys, it's Black-approved.
She is, Black lady approval.
(audience cheering)
Thank God you're here.
(audience applauding)
Thank God you are here, boo-boo.
(audience cheering)
Before I saw you, I thought
I was playing in Huntington Bleach.
(audience laughing)
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
I read something about myself recently that said this.
It said, Jamie Kennedy looks as if
Matthew McConaughey raped Bradley Cooper,
(audience laughing)
and my first question is, why does it gotta be a rape?
(audience laughing)
Why can't it just be a nice evening
with a couple of gentlemen?
(audience laughing)
Plate of Brie, right, why does it have to be?
I mean, I guess that's a compliment, right?
I mean, they're both good looking, Oscar-nominated.
I always wanted to work with Matthew and Bradley,
(audience laughing)
even it was a rape scene, I mean.
(audience laughing)
I think it'd be good for my career, actually.
I think it'd be bigger than Tremors 6, right?
Tremors 19: Ass-Blasters Come Home.
(audience laughing)
Tremors fans get that joke.
That's a scene I wouldn't do with McConaughey though.
He's a, that's the one actor I wouldn't want to do that with
'cause he's, he's massive, all right,
all right, he's committed.
He lost 42 pounds and won an Oscar,
and he might just do it.
(audience laughing)
He might just, he's charming.
How you gonna stop him, right?
(audience laughing)
Just come out and be like, all right.
(audience laughing)
All right, all right, all right.
I say, now Bradley.
Now I'm gonna do you.
(audience laughing)
I'm gonna do you,
I'm gonna do you high, I'm gonna do you hard.
(audience laughing)
I'm gonna do you long, I'm gonna do you strong.
(audience laughing)
I'm gonna do you in the pooper, Cooper.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Ain't a dang thing you can do about it.
We gonna do it all in the back of a Lincoln Continental.
(audience laughing)
You guys see that commercial?
I auditioned.
(audience laughing)
Didn't get a callback on that.
Jesus God, these skinny jeans.
(audience laughing)
I'm not married yet, you know, and people think it's weird,
'cause I just turned 40,
six.
(audience laughing)
I'm waiting for the right time.
These things kinda, you gotta make,
it's a big decision in life.
I don't know if I'm ready to be married yet.
I grew up in the '80s.
I still feel like I'm 16.
I was part of a break dance crew.
(audience laughing)
When you're into break dance and people challenge you
to do something, you battle,
when they make you do something you don't wanna do,
so like, isn't that marriage every night?
(audience laughing)
My wife would be like, your night to do the dishes,
I'm like, nuh uh.
(audience laughing)
You scrub.
(audience laughing)
Take out the trash.
Nuh uh.
(audience laughing)
It always.
I mean, I used to have a girlfriend and she was very tall.
I used to call her the chainsaw.
(audience laughing)
I mean, she come at me man, she be like,
(mimics chainsaw engine)
(audience laughing)
(mimics chainsaw engine)
(audience laughing)
We're going to Jersey Mike's.
I don't need a chainsaw as a girlfriend, okay.
I'd like to have an oscillating fan, that'd be.
(audience laughing)
That'd be so cool, some woman who's just like,
(mimics breeze) Jah,
(audience laughing)
mie.
Someone who's quiet and who will gently blow me.
(audience laughing)
Ooh, it was scary to do that joke.
I'm glad you laughed, okay.
People say I can't do jokes like that anymore.
People, lady groups get mad.
(audience laughing)
I did that joke in New York, some lady stood up,
she goes, suck it yourself!
(audience laughing)
I wanted to tell her, if I could suck it myself, I would,
(audience laughing)
and I would swallow every goddamn drop.
I will finish the job.
(audience laughing)
I would take me down to a raisin.
That was weird.
I sound like Batman there.
Who are you?
I'm Batman.
(audience laughing)
I'm here to empty your bag.
(audience laughing)
I'm Bagman.
You can't, by the way you can't say blowjob anymore.
I don't use that word, women get mad.
I use codewords.
I was out with this girl the other night.
The end of the date, I was just like,
hey girl, what's up with that breezejob?
(audience laughing)
I caught myself standing like this like a freak, I was like.
(audience laughing)
I automatically led with that,
but yeah, I was just like a creep.
Windchill factor's kinda low.
(audience laughing)
I had a friend who's a girl.
You laugh, but it's very hard to have a friend who's a girl
'cause of sexual tension,
and if you don't believe that, you're a girl.
(audience laughing)
Girls are like, we're just friends, what, no.
He doesn't want to have sex.
He likes my brains.
Did you ask him?
(audience laughing)
Dudes will linger, right.
We'll linger, we're just waiting for you.
We'll just wait and wait and wait,
(audience laughing)
until you're just ready to be like, this bra's too tight.
(poofs)
(audience laughing)
Is it time?
Yeah.
(audience laughing)
Is it time?
It's only been a couple years.
I had this girl, right, she was really hot.
She always used me, I think she was using me
when she wanted errands done.
I couldn't take it anymore.
I'm like, okay Heidi.
I went shopping, I went to Petco,
I fixed all your fuckin' dog food, you need anything else?
She's like, well my birdfeeder's broken.
Could you maybe fix that?
And I said okay, I say, you know what, Heidi?
I think it's time for us to have sex.
(audience laughing)
That job has a tariff, okay.
That's a boyfriend job, all right,
and she goes, uh, I think that sex
would get in the way of our friendship,
and I'm like, uh, I think our friendship
is getting in the way of our sex.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I get jealous, though, of people.
People, probably a lot of couples here tonight,
people who are married, right,
got girlfriend or boyfriend or you're married.
I gotta go out, I gotta look for girls.
Okay, that sounded weird, I'm sorry.
(audience laughing)
I gotta go out, I gotta hunt for women.
(audience laughing)
I gotta see what's out there.
Gotta see what's out here in the beach.
No, but to date somebody properly,
to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend,
courtship takes time, all right.
That could be like a job.
I bet there's some people here tonight
who are on the clock.
All right, I took this girl on an eight-hour date.
Yeah, that's like a full shift.
(audience laughing)
I didn't even get a smoke break.
(audience laughing)
This girl wanted to go out.
She's like, I want to go, she wanted to go to museums.
She's like, I wanna go out, I'd like to see a Monet.
I'm like, I like to stay in and save my MO-NEY.
(audience laughing)
So I take this girl out, we have a nice lunch
and we went to a museum for four fuckin' hours.
(audience laughing)
Going to a museum is like, futile.
You gotta look at a bunch of stuff you don't buy.
(audience laughing)
You can't buy it, and at the end of the date she goes,
okay, all right, thank you,
and she's like, bye. (smacks lips)
(audience laughing)
She went, (smacks lips)
(smacks lips)
Fucking peck, fucking (smacks lips).
(audience laughing)
(smacks lips)
Fucking bird, right.
I'm all depressed, I was walking away like,
all right, I'll see ya.
(audience laughing)
Then she turns around and she's like,
you know, I'm kinda hungry again,
and I'm thinking, oh shit, right.
(audience laughing)
I'm thinking like, bird wants the worm, right,
(audience laughing)
and then she's like, she starts going,
so where do you want to eat, and she kept asking,
and I just realize, she just actually wanted food,
(audience laughing)
and I looked at her and I'm like, oh shit,
I know what she's trying to do, all right.
She's trying to hit me for a second meal.
(audience laughing)
She's trying to two-for-one me.
She's trying to eat around the feeding schedule.
She's trying to Groupon me.
(audience laughing)
I knew she was doing it too, 'cause she did that thing
that women do sometimes when they ask you for something,
but they're all scared and sheepish,
and they start sounding like Marge Simpson.
You know, um, I could eat something.
I'm saying, if you wanted
to eat something, I probably could.
I'm saying I'm not that hungry, but if you ate something
I could probably eat it with you.
What food,
(audience laughing)
but she was hot, you know what I'm saying.
I had to stuff her, right.
(audience laughing)
You gotta stuff a hottie.
I hate it when you take a hot girl out
and they don't eat anything.
They're like, ooh, I'm gonna have this kale.
(audience laughing)
I hate that, 'cause at the end of the night
they're all light,
and they can just run away,
(audience laughing)
like a gazelle.
Okay, bye. (mimics hooves clicking)
(audience laughing)
Shit, the freeway already?
That's why I like to carb my hotties up, man.
I carb 'em up so at the end of the night,
they're like a sloth.
(audience laughing)
They get to my house and they're just like,
(heavy breathing) oh, God.
Hold on, let's just wait here, okay baby?
Maybe I could sleep here.
Jesus Christ, why am I so hot?
(audience laughing)
Do you have any Doritos?
'Cause it's all backwards, right?
These guys are out there, these guys who drug women.
That's terrible, I would never do that.
I just hit 'em with the loaf.
(audience laughing)
You hit 'em with a glu-ton bomb, right.
(audience laughing)
Puts 'em down, right, that slows you.
Seriously, the dating rituals are backward.
Do you agree with this?
We go out, we have a big meal,
and then we go home and we try to have sex.
Right, like yeah, my first question
is why do we eat before we skeet?
(audience laughing)
I don't know about you, but nothing makes me feel
less sexy than a big ol' bowl of pasta primavera,
(audience laughing)
with four cutlets and two pieces of key lime pie.
(audience laughing)
Okay, that's like a 3,000 calorie roofie, all right.
I'm out by, like, 8:15,
(audience laughing)
but we do it 'cause you're supposed to, right.
We're romantic, but here's what guys' brains are navigating
in their brain, they're like, hey girl.
Well, why don't we just have a big ol' bowl of primavera
in the bottom of the breadbasket, that's right,
bottom of the breadbasket.
Two bottles of Malbec, that's right, baby.
Well, you know how I'm feeling right now, baby.
That's right.
(audience laughing)
Uncomfortably full.
(audience laughing)
Yeah baby, but tonight I'm gonna,
I'm gonna take you back to my place, that's right,
because your place has one of those low-flow toilets,
(audience laughing)
and that ain't gonna cut it tonight.
There's not enough water pressure, baby.
(audience laughing)
Yeah baby, you're gonna get me naked.
I'm gonna squeeze, I'm gonna squeeze me a two, that's right,
(audience laughing)
and I'm gonna try to hold in that fart,
and I hope you hold in your fart too,
(audience laughing)
'cause I saw you eat a lot of mozzarella sticks,
(audience laughing)
and I know you're lactose intolerant.
(audience laughing)
That's right, baby, you want it, my baby.
Baby, let me put my food baby on your baby.
(audience laughing)
Ooh baby, feel daddy's food baby, baby.
Ooh, food baby on baby.
(snoring)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
I'm sorry, baby.
Daddy's catching a nap.
Right?
These damn skinny jeans.
(audience laughing)
So anyway, I'm back on the, I'm sitting on the couch
with my beautiful sloth.
(audience laughing)
I'm giving her a little pita bread, I'm giving her a little.
Food is sexual, right, so I'm trying to get her in the mood
with a little, some carbs, you know, just a little,
num num, (smooches), num num, (smooches),
and she's a bigger, she's a bigger, she's thick.
(audience laughing)
Am I allowed to say that?
She's T-H-I-C-C-C.
(audience laughing)
We start kissin' a little bit, (smooching),
a little intimate, and I reach over,
and I try to get a little tit.
(audience laughing)
I'm in my 40s, I'm trying to get tit.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
I own multiple properties.
(audience laughing)
I am trying to get tit.
I'm in negotiations for Tremors 7.
(audience cheering)
Tit!
I'm the firstborn son of two of Hollywood's
most gorgeous men.
(audience laughing)
That took you a minute for that joke, you were,
(audience cheering)
and then she goes like this,
she goes hey hey hey, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
(audience laughing)
She goes, I don't know you that well.
I was like, you got Google?
(audience laughing)
Type it in, I'll wait.
What the?
Then she's like, I don't even know your middle name.
I'm like, Alexa!
(audience laughing)
Tell her everything.
(audience laughing)
Women can't use that excuse anymore, right.
I don't know you that well.
Oh really?
The internet does, there!
(audience laughing)
Now take your top off.
(audience laughing)
Okay, okay.
Might cut that one out,
(audience laughing)
and then she goes like this, this is weird.
She had a sweater on, beautiful breasts,
little bit of cleavage, and she pushed it together,
and she goes, you want these?
(audience laughing)
I said, of course I want those, what the?
Why do you think my pantry's empty?
What are you talking about?
(audience laughing)
I got to go to Trader Joe's.
That's a weird thing to do, right?
Do that, what sort of a guy did that?
Hey, you want these?
(audience applauding)
I'd be arrested so fast in this climate.
I'd be on TMZ.
We've got Jamie Kennedy down in a bowling alley
in Huntington Beach, walking around touching his nuts,
(audience laughing)
asking people, where's the nearest Panera?
You go, Jamie Kennedy.
I'd be fuckin' cooked,
but then she's like, she goes like this.
She goes no!
No, you're gonna have to earn it.
Earn it?
Like it was currency,
like it was Titcoin.
(audience laughing)
That's why men and women have issues,
'cause we're so different.
Guys don't think like that.
If you touch a guy, if a guy's got a raging hard-on,
(audience laughing)
and you reach over and grab it, no guy's gonna be like, hey!
(audience laughing)
You get your Goddamn hands off me.
(audience laughing)
I don't even know your middle name.
I just met you eight hours ago.
You think this would feel good in your mouth?
No!
(audience laughing)
I'm gonna have to earn it.
I bless you.
No, right.
No, dudes are like, free tasting!
(audience laughing)
New coupon day!
Friends and family plan!
(audience laughing)
Giant liquidation sale!
(audience laughing)
Everything must go!
Clearing the Goddamn shelves.
(audience laughing)
Guys, I told you this date was eight hours.
So is this joke.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
It's not even remotely done.
(audience laughing)
So I'm sittin' with her, right.
I'm like, well,
(audience laughing)
what do you wanna do?
She's like, well I like to get to know you.
(audience laughing)
Right, right?
I'm like, how you wanna do that.
She's like, I like to talk.
(audience laughing)
Oh, fuck.
She's trying to talk-block me.
Right, fuckin' 2:30 a.m. and she wants to have orientation.
(audience laughing)
Talk, talk should be like an infomercial product.
If you want to take a guy's raging boner down, talk.
(audience laughing)
Take the, should be an infomercial product
that you don't need, so essentially an infomercial, so.
(audience laughing)
It should be, just some woman's out there, hey ladies.
Tired of that pesky hard-on?
(audience laughing)
Well, hard-on be gone!
Spray a can of Talk at it, that's right.
Tell him your hopes, blah blah, your dreams, blah blah,
your rescue cat's name, blah blah blah.
(audience applauding)
Take that erection into a different direction.
(audience laughing)
Make him shrivel with that drivel.
(audience laughing)
The only thing he'll be getting
deep tonight is conversation.
Brought to you from the makers
of Not Tonight, I Have a Headache,
but she wanted to talk so it's like, I gotta listen.
I gotta listen.
So I was like, okay, so she starts talking.
(audience laughing)
It's 2:30 a.m. and she starts talking a lot.
You have that nervous energy like the sack's energy
turned into the talk energy.
(audience laughing)
Now she's like, well then, (vocalizing)
my father bought a Prius and my mother became a lesbian
and my dog became a cat and then I realized I had celiac
and, and then she starts fuckin', just keeps goin'.
You gotta, (clucking)
(audience laughing)
She did, she turned into the fucking bird I met,
and I'm like hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I go, I don't know you that well.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I said, you can't tell me all this.
She goes, well, how 'bout you listen? (clucks)
(audience laughing)
I'm like, you do?
She's like, yeah! (clucking)
And I realized at that moment my ears were valuable.
My ears were like tits,
(audience laughing)
and I was like, unh unh.
You gotta earn it.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
I understand women have to hold it back.
You have to hold back the coochie.
(audience laughing)
Women hold back the coochie 'cause they don't want
to make it all about the coochie,
but by holding back the coochie,
aren't you making it all about the coochie?
(audience laughing)
Isn't that like pumpkin spice latte season?
We know it's coming.
(audience laughing)
We can't wait for it.
A lot of women say, I can't have sex
with somebody the first night.
I can't have sex with a guy on the first night.
He'll never call me again.
Like, who told you that?
Another woman?
(audience laughing)
If a guy, if you go to Vegas and a guy plays a slot machine,
and he pulls a lever and he hits,
he's gonna go back to that slot.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
That's a lucky slot.
Mike, edit that part out,
(audience laughing)
but guys never go, oh my God, we went out one night.
No guy, what guy do you know that's like,
oh my God, we had a wonderful date.
We had a big dinner, we went out and had great conversation,
we fucked all night.
I hate the bitch!
(audience laughing)
She made it so easy, what a bitch!
(audience laughing)
Technology's ruining romance, though, right?
You agree with that?
Like right now, if a guy is remotely interested in a woman,
one of the first things a guy does
is he sends the girl a dick pic.
(audience laughing)
Like, dick pics are the new roses.
(audience laughing)
Guys are out there sending a dozen fresh dicks.
Do they even think the women like that?
Do they think the women are like,
oh my God, that is so sweet?
(audience laughing)
It's a shame they're not long-stem, but.
(audience laughing)
Guys are so desperate.
We're desperate animals.
We're so desperate that we put our dick in the phone.
(audience laughing)
Put our dick in the telephone.
You think Alexander Graham Bell,
(audience laughing)
do you think when he invented this thing,
you think he had any idea,
(audience laughing)
it was gonna be used for this?
(audience laughing)
You think he tested it for that?
He was like, he's with Mr. Watson.
Mr. Bell?
Yes, this is Mr. Watson.
This is the first phone call in the history of mankind.
We can talk to anyone, call tribes in Timbuktu.
That's excellent, Mr. Watson.
Yes, yes I can hear you, chap.
(audience laughing)
Clarity is fine, yeah.
Just one question, how do I fit my dick through this thing?
(audience laughing)
We must make the base wider.
I think guys were so desperate they were sending
dick pics before the phone.
I think they were probably sending dick telegrams.
(audience laughing)
Guys are out there talking in Morse chode.
(audience laughing)
We're getting a telegram, sir.
What does it say?
(mimics telegram beeping) Dick.
(audience laughing)
End of telegram, sir.
I bet guys were doing it before that though, seriously.
Don't you think guys were probably sending dick paintings?
(audience laughing)
Like in the 1300s, the Renaissance.
Some English guy's out there with his little assistant,
his little serf, he's doing a painting.
It's like, look at the beautiful shaft, yes.
(audience laughing)
Look at the color, yes, and look at the texture.
Look at the size of the cap.
That is most excellent work, sire, yes.
Who on Earth do you intend this for?
I am going to give it to Princess Stephanie.
(audience laughing)
I shall leave it outside her window at two a.m.
(audience laughing)
I call it You Up?
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
And then you got these fairy tales and they're like
emotional porn for women.
Fairy tales, right.
Fairy tales teach women that guys are different, like me.
I think a lot of women just think of guys as like,
a perfect porn for a woman in her eyes
would just be a guy who's all built,
and is like, all right, skimmed your pool.
How 'bout those hedges, need those trimmed?
(audience laughing)
And the woman's just like, nanananana.
You worked so hard today, you're all sweaty.
(audience laughing)
Plus, my husband's not even here and I have no way to pay.
(audience laughing)
I'm just stretching.
I'm in my 40s, my back.
(audience laughing)
Women think the guy's gonna be like, oh you wanna pay me?
Oh yeah, I'll show you how you can pay me, all right, yeah.
You can pay me by sitting down right there
and you can start telling me all about your day.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
Oh, you had two returns at Nordstrom's?
That's so fucking hot.
(audience laughing)
Someone took your parking space at Whole Foods?
(audience laughing)
Keep going, baby,
and fairy tales, they teach you to find Prince Charming.
You get this guy, right, Prince Charming.
Prince Charming, he's the perfect man, he's got
the perfect hair, perfect smile, the perfect shirt.
Like, Prince Charming's a little too perfect.
I'm not saying he doesn't exist.
He does, but he is not looking for you,
(audience laughing)
'cause he is out there looking for his own Prince Charming.
(audience laughing)
Prince Charming's as gay as a bag of Skittles, am I right?
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
He sucks the rainbow, all right?
Go and test my theory if you don't believe me.
All right, like Cinderella's a story about a guy,
Prince Charming, who chases a girl for three days
to give her a shoe.
(audience laughing)
That's gay.
(audience laughing)
Call your boyfriend the next time you lose a shoe.
Test my theory.
Boyfriend is gonna be like, hey.
What up babe, huh?
You lost your shoe?
(audience laughing)
It was a Jimmy Choo?
Who?
Jimmy Choo's a shoe?
(audience laughing)
Well, just go to Target, get two for $8, what?
Go to Sears, they're bankrupt.
Get four for $8, what?
Babe, don't make me come over there.
I just had a burrito and I.
(audience laughing)
I'm feelin' gaseous.
I bet if you lost your shoe in front of your gay friend
he'd be like, what!
(audience laughing)
Hold on.
Daniel, Jeffrey, get the van,
(audience laughing)
and get the CSI swab kit and the magnifying glass.
Where?
We'll be there in five.
(audience laughing)
We're gonna find this shoe
before the next episode of The Bachelor.
(audience laughing)
I love hip hop man, it raised me.
I can't listen to rap music anymore.
It's got too many N-words in it.
See how uncomfortable that's like?
(audience laughing)
Nair wants to know where this is going.
(audience laughing)
I do, any other white guy does
that part of the song comes on.
(audience laughing)
I shut my mouth immediately.
You know what I'm saying?
Right, you're in the shower, bro.
You got Biggie on Spotify,
and that one part of the song comes on.
♪ If you don't know, now you know ♪
(hums)
(audience laughing)
I ain't saying shit!
There could be a camera in the loofah.
(audience laughing)
I wanna find replacement words for that part of the song.
♪ If you don't know, now you know, neighbor ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ If you don't know, now you know, nickel ♪
(audience laughing)
See, nickel got a little weird, right.
Nair is like, where you going with this, baby?
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Rappers never die of natural causes.
(audience laughing)
Isn't that twisted?
They don't, right.
They get killed, right.
That doesn't happen in other forms of music.
That doesn't happen in folk music.
(audience laughing)
No members of Mumford & Sons is suddenly gonna get got.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Not gonna,
♪ Hey buddy ♪
what'd I tell you?
Oh, it's on, ya dirty leprechaun.
(mimics gunshots)
Fuck you, ya piece of shite!
(mimics gunshots)
You stole me shillelagh.
(audience laughing)
Rappers get killed, all right.
Biggie got shot, Tupac got shot.
They never die of natural causes.
You never see on the news,
and in news today, rapper Gucci Mane died today
after a lengthy battle with heart disease.
(audience laughing)
He was 74.
He is survived by all his (hums).
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
I, I appreciate you guys letting me do some jokes
and not be offended.
(audience laughing)
People get offended at jokes now.
People say I can't do certain jokes no more.
I'm a white male in my 40s, it's not a good time for us.
(audience laughing)
Look at this guy shaking his head, poor bastard.
We had a good run, though.
We had a nice run.
(audience laughing)
I'll see you at the box, you know,
but people get all hurt about jokes.
I just wanna say, any minority, any person of color,
any person who feels marginalized at all,
that's what I say, should have the right
to go up to any white person at any time and just go,
Hey, fuck you!
(audience laughing)
And if the white person is cool,
they'll be like yeah, sorry about that.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I am, though,
but people say offensive stuff all the time.
We all say offensive stuff and get away with it.
A couple of years ago, if a black guy
wanted to give another black guy a compliment,
and he didn't want people to think they were gay,
they always ended the phrase with, no homo,
(audience laughing)
at the end.
Dude be like, yo, man, you workin' out, man?
Yeah, yo homes looking kinda big, man.
Could wrap a motherfucker up at night,
make sure those bedbugs don't bite.
(audience laughing)
No homo, know what I'm sayin', no homo.
What you usin' on your skin, man?
That shit looks smooth, man.
Looks like Rihanna's buttcheeks and shit,
know what I'm sayin'?
(audience laughing)
Smell tropical too, know what I'm sayin'?
No homo, you know what I'm sayin'?
(audience laughing)
I'm not gay or nothin', I'm just saying you're looking good,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Your lips is looking juicy, son, you know what I'm sayin'?
(audience laughing)
Dude, you watch that Matthew McConaughey-Bradley Cooper
rape movie last night?
(audience laughing)
No homo, know what I'm sayin'?
I'm just sayin'.
(audience laughing)
I'm saying if you wanna reenact that shit, we could.
I'm just sayin'.
(audience laughing)
No homo,
but that is offensive, no homo is offensive.
That's offensive to our gay friends.
Why does that phrase get a pass?
Imagine if I did that, what if I had a weird phrase?
I was just out like, yo, I just said 18 cents
on a cup of coffee, no Hebro.
(audience laughing)
Hey, today I did my own gardening, no Pedro.
(audience laughing)
Hey girl, let me get that BJ, no teeth-though.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I think gays should take the phrase back
and make it their own.
Just be like, hi waitress, can I have
a Diet Coke with a pink straw?
So homo.
(audience laughing)
There's Vincent, yo homo!
(audience laughing)
Guys, I think I'm missing out.
I think I wanna try pussy.
No homo!
(audience laughing)
No homo.
Now you go home, homo, and you blowjob.
(audience laughing)
I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
People worry about like, racism, classism, sexism.
I understand, we've gotta work on all that stuff, right,
but I don't think people talk about, enough,
I don't think people talk enough about the real problem
which is coming, which is roboticism.
(audience laughing)
Robots are coming, all right.
I mean, fuck, robots are already here.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry, Uber drivers.
Robots have a way better sense of direction,
and they won't talk to me awkwardly
about their families back in Armenia.
(audience laughing)
My friend, where do you go?
Shut the fuck app.
That's what I tell 'em.
I'm sorry, doctors.
Robots are coming for you too.
Who do you think I'd rather have my balls held by,
(audience laughing)
an old Jewish guy who holds 10 pairs a day
for the last 30 years,
and likes to make small talk
as he's looking for my prostate.
Hey, what are you doing?
What have you been up to?
Haven't seen you in a while, what are you,
in that new movie Tremors?
(audience laughing)
Something about giant worms or something?
I'm like, Graboids.
Graboids?
I gotta Graboid your balls, come here.
(audience laughing)
Breathe.
You think I'd rather have that,
or the smooth, silky hand of an android,
all right, with automatic ball warmers?
(audience laughing)
Dick, James. (mimics whirring)
(tongue clicks) (mimics whirring)
Your balls are clear.
(audience laughing)
I gotta go with Skynet on that one.
(audience laughing)
Robots are coming, man, and one good thing is
is this is going to be very efficient
and I also think that robots are gonna bring us together
as humans because all of us
are banding together, all races and sexualities,
and they're gonna be the new racist targets.
(audience laughing)
Right, you see truck drivers, I saw these truck drivers
looking at a driverless truck, right.
I watched them, I was looking at it,
and they were just talking,
I imagine what they were saying, just like,
look at this Goddamn rustback.
(audience laughing)
I say we take 'em apart and ship him back
to the factory they came from!
(audience laughing)
You're made in China, you go work in China!
(audience laughing)
Flesh and bone before chrome!
I went to IHOP the other day.
Half the menu's in English, the other half's in binary code.
(audience laughing)
You hear about Valerie?
Her little daughter's dating a robot.
(audience laughing)
Gonna have some kids.
Probably have a bunch of metal-lattos.
(audience laughing)
The other thing is that women,
you guys have known about this for a long time.
You're smarter than men, you're well thought out.
All right, you plan.
You've known about this robotic invasion for years,
'cause every woman in this room, in her top dresser drawer,
(audience laughing)
is a little, vibrating, shiny, wiggly robot.
(audience laughing)
It lights up, swivels,
(audience laughing)
and it may or may not have Wi-Fi.
(audience laughing)
You give it cute little names like Matthew McCumaghey,
Robert Downlow, Jr., Drake.
That thing has been doing men's jobs
for decades, you agree with that?
Ma'am, could you look more disinterested?
Thank you.
(audience laughing)
So, what the hell?
Please cut to her face.
(audience laughing)
Every woman has a robot in her drawer.
(audience laughing)
(chuckles) Mine need batteries.
No, but robots.
Hey, you ever think one of those
wiggly, vibrating robots that women have.
If you were out at the fucking mall and your bag
and it fell out on the ground and you're like,
(smacking floor)
(audience laughing)
ooh, sorry about that.
My husband's out of town.
(audience laughing)
Tommy Travel-a-lot, you know.
I gotta get mine, right.
Other women in society just go, oh yeah, you go girl.
You get it.
Mmm, right, but if I would had a backpack,
(audience laughing)
and some pocket pussy fell out and I was like,
sorry about that, that was actually a whole woman but,
(audience laughing)
I couldn't fit her in my bag so I just cut that area out,
(audience laughing)
and I'm just gonna use this to jam on my dick later
in the gas station bathroom
and twist it like a fuckin' orange,
(audience laughing)
I would be destroyed!
So when you leave here tonight,
may sure you tip your waitresses.
When they're walking by, give 'em a little smack on the ass,
(audience laughing)
'cause in three years, that thing's gonna be metal.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry, Chanley, I'm sorry.
Shoulda went to college.
(audience laughing)
I hate student loan debt, by the way.
(audience cheering)
Fuck that shit.
I hate student loan debt commercials even more.
Is student loan debt ruining your life?
Is student loan debt ruining your credit?
Yes, and it's also ruining this episode of Maury.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
I have a foolproof way we can stop this bleeding, okay.
Maybe not everybody needs to go to college.
(audience applauding)
The average cost of college in America
on the low end is $23,000, so for four years that is.
(audience laughing)
I don't know, but I have a phone
with a calculator who will tell me.
(audience laughing)
It's $92,000, I figured it out, 92.
$92,000, that's a lot of money.
Let's say you want to go to college.
Let's say you want to go to college
and want to get a degree in business.
Why not spend $2,000 on books on how to start a business,
watch a bunch of YouTube videos on how to start a business,
and use the $90,000 to start an actual business?
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
(audience cheering)
Let's say you want to go to college
and you want to take women's studies.
(audience laughing)
You know how much you can learn about women with $92,000?
Give a woman $92,000.
You'll get a degree real quick.
(audience laughing)
You can get a Ph.D., an M.D., STD, you can get.
(audience laughing)
You don't have to spend all that money.
You can just take her to a couple dinners for $500.
You'll learn all the women's issues you ever wanted to hear.
All right, but seriously though, do we need college?
I mean, do we really need another history teacher?
(audience laughing)
Why oh?
I have one, her name is Siri.
(audience laughing)
She's great.
She's, that's a lot of bullshit.
I'm not saying not everybody shouldn't go to college.
I mean, I don't want to walk in my doctor's office
and see, Proctology by DeVry.
(audience laughing)
ITT Technical Institute.
There's a lot of bullshit degrees out there, though.
Listen to this one.
University of Indiana,
they had a degree in bowling management.
(audience laughing)
Anybody here go to Indiana?
Bowling management, that means some poor guy learned,
poor guy had to pay almost $100,000
to learn how to deodorize shoes and make nachos,
(audience laughing)
and was like, bro, don't bother me right now.
I got my ball waxing final.
(audience laughing)
Left-right, right-left?
University of Connecticut, they have a degree in puppetry.
Puppetry!
Let me ask all the fathers out there.
Right now, would you be more depressed if your daughter
became a stripper or your son became a puppeteer?
(audience laughing)
Weigh those on the scales of disappointment in life.
(audience applauding)
You know that's a real scenario out there.
Some guy's talking to his friends.
Hey, Phil, how's the kids?
Aren't they grown?
Oh yeah, my young daughter's doing great.
She's now dancing the main stage during peak hours,
(audience laughing)
down here at the Golden Cheetah.
She even give a handjob
(audience laughing)
to a professional football player,
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
in the champagne room.
My little Cinnamon's making it rain!
How about your son, Phil Jr.?
Isn't he a puppeteer?
Yeah, we don't talk about him.
(audience laughing)
He's dead to us.
Puppeteer, man.
A poor guy paid almost $100,000 for him
to have his hand up a Fraggle's ass.
(audience laughing)
Fraggle Rock.
Hey Pop, you got a lot of debt.
(audience laughing)
I'm not saying not everybody shouldn't go to college.
I'm just sayin', I just don't think
you have to go to college if you're successful.
You agree with that?
(audience cheering)
Look at all the people who didn't.
(audience applauding)
We got Thomas Edison, Mark Zuckerberg,
Steve Jobs, Oprah, me.
(audience applauding)
Look how good I'm doin'.
I'm 46, I'm trying to get tit,
(audience laughing)
hangin' in a bowling alley.
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
You guys, that's it.
Thank you, thank you.
Stop it.
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
Stop it.
Thank you.
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
Appreciate you.
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)