e.
-They’re here.
The people you want to replace Susan with.
-I think I might know somebody.
-I’m in. Lomax. I sell shit.
[Lomax gasping]
So that’s the brand of weird.
-[knocking on door] -Susan?
I’m worried about Susan.
[dramatic score]
-[Luke] What is it? -Your mom.
-[Luke] Until you confront it,
it’s your unfinished business.
[dramatic boom]
[creepy score]
[heavy breathing]
[dramatic boom]
[light switch clicks] [dramatic boom]
[sighs]
[eerie vocalizing]
[door creaking]
[dramatic score]
[score fades out]
[giggling]
-I know you’re new here, but...
generally we try to sleep this time of day.
[baby giggling]
-[Luke] So, the widow says, "No, I just want
the pallbearers wearing Padres jerseys
so they can let him down one last time.
Oh, come on.
Wherever you are,
I know that you laughed a little.
[tender score]
[lane control buttons clicking]
[pin collector rattling]
So,
you’re never gonna believe who I’m seeing tomorrow.
Which reminds me.
You up?
-You know, I’m not sure.
-How’s She-Ra, Princess of Power?
-Gassy. We’re currently strolling the grounds.
-Sorry to bother.
-No, it’s what I live for. What’s up?
-[sighs] I just wanted you to know...
I’m going to see my mom.
-Uh, you don’t want to maybe give her a heads-up?
You know, send a note, or...
-Well, Hallmark doesn’t make a good
"so you deserted your family" card.
-[tea kettle whistling] -Huh. You know, pardon me.
Our table’s ready. Our table’s ready. Come on.
[cooing, gurgling over phone]
[baby moans, cries] [shushing]
[rattling]
Shit! Uhh...
Okay, we are back.
-See? Was that so hard?
To be a good, loving parent
who is attentive, who is responsive?
-Who lives in the same house?
-I’ll be in touch, Phil. - Hey, hey.
Good luck.
What do I have here? What is this? [gasps]
[toy squeaks] What does daddy have? What?
[Phil gasps] [squeaking]
[elevator arriving chime] [elevator doors sliding open]
[mischievous score]
-[Lomax] Dear Luke, let me begin by telling you
how much I have enjoyed
the past few weeks at the Roman Agency.
Challenging work, provocative client issues,
-your team is wonderful. [keyboard clacking]
Your team is...
unusual,
yet fundamentally sound.
So, it is with great regret that I must ask you
to consider this my letter of resignation.
My decision to join your agency was made in haste...
And I’m afraid it’s sort of come back to...
[score crossfades to opening theme]
Bite me.
[sighs]
[wolf howling]
[man screaming]
-[Zooey] Yeah, no, it’s pretty slow.
Also, I just emailed you your hotel confirmation.
What’s in Westindale that merits an overnight stay?
-Just a long drive there and a long drive back.
-Hm.
So, I am taking this slow period to assess my career path.
-And?
-You have to like people to be a therapist, right?
-It helps. -Shit.
-Zooey, you are really good at a lot of things.
-Yeah, and yet so few can be monetized.
-No, seriously, everybody talks about
doing something they love.
My advice? Do something you’re really good at.
Love is for the weekends.
-God. "Love is for the weekends."
The sampler nearly needlepoints itself.
-All right, I will check in.
-Bye.
[hang-up beep]
[gentle score]
[paper rustling]
-[Lomax] Luke, I was happy to cover for you
on the Malachi family closing.
Reva, Clive, twins, Kat and Hayden,
they were delightful.
-And then, finally, this is the bill of sale.
-I might even say alarmingly so.
-I feel like I’m living in a dream!
-A dream house , that is!
[Malachis laughing]
And I asked the movers
to unload the living room furniture first
’cause you know what tonight is.
-Game night! [excited laughter]
-Feeling my insulin levels plunging dangerously low,
I completed the closing quickly -Congratulations.
-A little too quickly, as it turned out.
[score fades out]
[office phone ringing faintly]
-Lomax.
Is there something you need?
-No. No. I was just, uh...
What are you doing?
-Fiddling with a little technology
that I first explored many years ago.
A remnant of a past life.
-I’ve worked at a lot of real estate agencies
but never one that had a science officer before.
-"Science is organized knowledge.
"Wisdom is organized life."
Will Durant.
-Oh, that’s right. You--
You do that, don’t you?
-You’ll get used to it. -[Lomax chuckles]
-Lomax.
Malachi docs; you have a problem.
-What? -Roofing rider.
There’s no signature.
-Oh, damn! -Yeah, we need that signed.
-I know. I was just hoping
that I’d seen the last of the Malachis.
-They seemed nice.
-Very nice.
Aggressively nice.
Chewing on tinfoil nice.
-Yeah, we used to give clients like that to Susan.
-Susan’s a very nice person herself.
-Oh, yeah. See, I’m not...
constructed with those kinds of tolerances.
-Clearly. But just so you know, Luke is very big on ass.
-After Sales Service.
Luke has never once used that acronym.
-[laughs, snorts] I know. It just makes me smile.
The point is, if he were here, he would tell you
in his supportive yet firm win-win way
even if it makes your teeth hurt,
you get that signed and make sure that they are
loving their new home.
-Can’t I do it tomorrow? It’s... game night.
-Closing docs are all signed with today’s date.
Unless you want to start all over?
-No, I-I don’t. It’s stupid.
-Hm.
August, quick question....
Do FBI agents get drug tested?
-I would think so. Why?
-Oh, no reason.
[footsteps receding] [gentle score]
[car engine turns off] [car door opens]
[dogs barking in distance]
-Yahtzee! [giggling]
[sighs]
-God, I miss the dead.
-[gasp] Lomax, welcome to our home!
-Oh, thanks. [Mrs. Malachi chuckles]
-Uh, this is for you!
-Oh, what a lovely thought.
-Oh! I, uh...
don’t want to scuff your polished floors.
-Aren’t they lovely?
Clive, kids, Lomax is here.
-[all] Yay!
-I’m so sorry to interrupt your family night.
I-I, uh, can’t believe I missed this page!
-Come on, admit it. You just
couldn’t wait to see this scrumptious house again!
-You got me!
-Hayden, Katherine, why don’t you kids go get ready for dinner
while we take care of the paperwork?
-Scoot, scoot.
[sniffing]
-Okay, uh, I just need your signatures right there.
-All right. Let’s see. -Mm-hm.
-Uh, yeah. Just right there on the bottom.
-Mm-hm. -Yeah, great, yeah.
-Ooh. [sniffs]
I love that fragrance you’re wearing. What is it?
-I-I don’t wear perfume.
-Hm. Clive, do you smell it?
[Clive sniffing]
-I smell... something.
-Thank you.
I am going to
get out of your way. [laughs]
-Oh, um, it’s just takeout but, um,
how ’bout stopping by for lunch tomorrow?
-Oh! Oh, I-I would love to, but--
-Perfect! -I, actually need to--
-You know, the service you’ve shown us after the sale
is really top-notch.
-Please say you’ll come!
-[both howl] -Great!/Marvelous.
[chuckling]
-[Lomax] Hm.
Oh! [chuckles]
I, uh, think your dog found my shoe.
-Dog?
We don’t have a dog.
[tense score]
[door closes]
-Oh...
[car door lock beeps] [growling]
[gasp] [dramatic boom]
-[relieved breaths] Hey!
You, uh... startled me.
-I found something nasty in the yard.
-I rolled around in it.
-So, just...
making our own fun, then? [chuckles]
[growling]
[snarling]
[howling]
[score fades out]
-[Zooey] Werewolves?
[laughing]
[snorts] I’m sorry. [snorts] Seriously?
You think the Brady Bunch is howling at the moon?
-I am just putting it out there.
-You got any silver bullets in the workshop?
-I don’t get it! You find all kinds of weird shit
in these houses. How is a werewolf
suddenly so over the top?
-Most of the, uh, phenomena that we encounter
is tied to, uh, a specific locale--
a certain property.
Werewolf mythology feels a bit more...
-Free-range? No! Off-leash.
-We’re speculating.
You need to speak with Phil.
If there’s something to this, he’d be the one to ask.
-I’d hate to bother him.
-Oh, he’d never forgive us if it was a...
shapeshifting lycanthrope and he missed it.
-Well, it has to be now
’cause I’m supposed to go back over there.
-Oh, that’s right. They’re having you for lunch.
[Zooey giggles]
I have an errand to run.
Yeah, I just thought, you know, I’d run by Susan’s.
Rattle her cage a little.
-I think souls move on.
We should understand that more than most.
-Yeah, but not Susan
and not from us! [tender score]
I mean, you know that I’m going through this
crisis of career and identity
and the one person who I feel like I need to talk to the most,
the one person who I feel like can give me smart,
no-bullshit, woman-to-woman career advice,
won’t even take my frickin’ calls!
I just... [sighs]
I need focus. You know?
I mean, I struck out on being a real estate agent.
And that’s the job they give you when you keep burning the fries.
-You were not pushed.
You jumped.
You were meant for greater things.
-I made a list of jobs that I thought I’d be good at.
-Therapist and FBI Agent.
Crossed out.
Hm. Probably the right call.
Spy. Band manager. Hand model?
[mischievous score]
Sniper.
Blood spatter analyst. Concert cellist.
You, uh, play the cello?
Look, the problem with this list is that it aims too low.
-Well, shit...
What do I do now?
-You know...
the affirmation that she’s needed here
might be exactly what Susan needs most herself.
-You think? -Well, if she rejects you now,
you’ll know for certain she’s moved on.
-But maybe...
she won’t.
Maybe helping me
is the first step to getting Susan back.
-Well, show her your list.
Ask her advice. What can it hurt?
-Thank you.
[score fades out]
[crow cawing]
[engine turns off]
-Clearly it’s a genetic thing.
Like detached earlobes or diabetes.
[crow cawing]
[sigh]
-Good morning!
[tender score]
Houses in this neighborhood hardly ever come up for sale,
so this one is probably going to go very fast.
[inhales] I’m Victoria.
Thanks for stopping by. H-have you been looking long?
-Seems like forever.
-Uh... -Sorry.
Nice place. [knocks on doorframe]
Good bones. [score fades out]
-You know, uh, most people nowadays
seem to want homes out in the suburbs.
Room for everything -- something new, you know?
Not everybody appreciates these older places:
tighter stairways; smaller rooms.
But I have found that they have character.
-Well, I’ve met lots of characters
in older places like this.
-Well, I-I can show you around, um...?
-Luke. [tender score]
[clears throat] So, is this the, uh,
original millwork?
-Postwar.
Um...
it’s a-a good eye. Are you in the business, Luke?
Seems like we always recognize our own.
-So...
what’s new?
[score fades out]
[sea
-I feel awful cutting into your parental leave.
-Nah, it’s nice to get out. Felicity is getting an intro
into quantum physics from Unkie Augie.
-The consensus seems to be that I have a touch
-of the batshit crazy. -Well...
we’re kind of in the batshit business.
-Hm. -Here we go...
[keyboard clicks]
-That is him, officer! That is the guy!
-I swear it. [Phil chuckles]
-You’ll find stories of people turning into werewolves as
early as ancient Greece,
but the legends really peaked in, like,
the 16th, 17th centuries along with the European witch hunts.
It’s been a fan favorite ever since.
-But it’s just a legend? -I don’t know.
My old job, they used to believe that people
who were excommunicated from the Catholic Church
would become werewolves.
My own theory is that they were just really hairy Lutherans.
But, the one thing I know for sure
is that we’ve never encountered a werewolf here.
-Mm-hm. -That being said,
we’ve never encountered a reticulated giraffe either
and you just know they’re out there.
[mischievous score]
-So, I have to be over there for lunch in a couple of hours.
What do I do?
-Well, it’s daylight, so, if there’s anything
to the prevalent mythology, you should be fine.
-Well, come on, prevalent mythology.
-Okay, let me dig into the history of that house.
You said that the Malachis were normal before they moved in?
-Yeah, I don’t know. Maybe I am a bit crazy!
You know? A chewed-up shoe,
some growling and glowing eyes and a full moon.
Maybe I put two and two together and got Lon Chaney Jr.
-Possibly.
Be careful.
Legends become legends for a reason.
[score fades out]
-Are you, um, traveling with your family, Luke?
-Just me.
[sighs]
I don’t know if you know; Dad passed a few years back.
-I didn’t. No.
I’m sorry.
[gentle score]
-He was a good man. -The world’s greatest dad.
He had the coffee mug to prove it and they just don’t
hand those things out to anybody, you know.
[scoffs]
-What? -Well, that tendency to...
blow off important conversations with a joke.
See you picked that up from him.
God, I used to hate that. [laughs]
-Me too.
You should know that he never said a bad word about you.
But that is okay because I said enough for both of us.
But that’s when I was little, you know? Bitter and angry.
Before I learned that life isn’t fair
and shit happens to everybody.
You know, I should probably thank you for hitting me
with the big guns early on.
Because every little bump along the road ever since?
Seemed pretty manageable by comparison.
-Long time ago I forfeited the right to be proud of you.
[Luke exhales]
-Proud? [scoffs]
Probably not your best pitch.
How about curious?
-I understand that there are some things
that are just not my business.
-I am the son you walked out on when I was three years old!
Ask me anything.
Nothing.
All this time and you still don’t care.
Well, you know you got my card, so feel free to call me
in the middle of the night if you have any burning questions
about prom night or what my favorite color is.
[tender score fades out] -Do you still hear the voices?
[dramatic boom]
[tense score]
[birds chirping]
[knocking on door]
[branches snapping]
[birds chirping]
[creepy score]
[dramatic boom]
-Lomax! You’re here! Come in!
Lunchtime! [giggles, sighs happily]
-Are you all okay? -[growling]
-We’re great! Who’s great?
We are! We are!
[deep sniff]
Clive! Hayden! Time for chow!
[growling]
Kat! Kat moves on her own schedule.
-I actually saw her outside.
-Kat! Oh! There she is.
Dramatic boom
Kat, did you spoil your lunch?
[purring]
Lomax! Sit! Sit!
[disquieting score]
[growling]
Katherine!
Now, who would like to lead us in grace? You would! You would!
-Bless-us-oh-Lord- for-these-thy-gifts-which-we-are
about-to-receive- through-thy-bounty.
[howling]
-[growling] -Wait!
-Now! -[growling]
[cell phone ringing]
[cell phone continues ringing]
[squeak] [growling]
[footsteps receding] [growling]
[score fades out]
-[Lomax] And then the bitch bit me!
-This is the mom? -Mm-hm. I shook her off
and I ran or father and son would have ripped me to pieces.
-And the daughter? -I don’t know. She just kind of
watched and...
licked herself.
-And all in broad daylight?
That’s hardly in keeping with the legend.
-Well, that’s not the part of the legend that worries me.
-[Lomax] Supposedly,
a bite from one of those things turns you into...
one of those things!
August insisted that I visit the ER
for a tetanus shot and a round of antibiotics.
He promised to call Phil and see if he found anything.
And Zooey?
Well, I have no idea where Zooey was.
[suspenseful score]
[engine turns off]
[knocking on door]
-Susan!?
[knocking on door]
Susan!
[shutters clanking]
All right...
We can do this the hard way.
Ah, you got it.
-[House] Intruder alert!
-Susan, I’m breaking into your house!
-Intruder alert.
-Violating socio-professional norms! Confront me!
-Intruder alert. -Shut up.
-Intruder alert. -So, uh...
Susan, I desperately need some career advice!
-Intruder alert. -What should I do with my life?
-[House] Why not end it?
-What did you say?
-Why not pick up this sharp, heavy object,
split your skull open,
end your worthless life and stop distracting Susan?
-Susan, you’re just gonna let your house talk to me like that?
-I’m sorry, I’m having trouble with that request.
-Susan?
-It sounds like you’re looking for Susan.
Did you mean feminist writer Susan Sontag?
Did you mean Susanna Hoffs,
lead singer of the popular ’80s band The Bangles?
-Ireland! Susan Ireland!
-Ireland is a country in the North Atlantic
with a population of roughly--
-Shh! [power cord smacks on floor]
Susan!
[tense score]
Susan!
What do you want?
[dramatic boom]
-I already told you.
Would you like to hear the answer again?
-Okay. Susan, I know that your new place has a nice view
and a spacious floor plan and you got it below market
but I frickin’ hate it!
[dramatic boom]
What?
[cleaver clatters]
Susan?
-[echoing] Help me.
-How did you get in there?
[dramatic rumbling]
Susan?
Hello?
Susan?
[dramatic boom] [sharp gasp]
-[House] You are a distraction.
-You need to leave. -What?
[nervous breath]
-You are a distraction.
You need to leave.
-[boom] -Ah!
[gasping]
Yeah, I’m having trouble with that request, dickhead!
No! No! No-no-no.
No! No!
[dramatic boom]
[faint traffic] [piano playing]
[silverware, glassware clinking]
[approaching footsteps]
-How’d you find me?
-Only a few decent hotels in this town.
This was the second one I called.
Kismet. [chuckles]
-You want something from the bar?
-Uh, just a club soda.
I have managed to slay a few dragons in my life.
In my mind, I’ve rehearsed that conversation
that we had today
a thousand times over 35 years.
-How’d we do?
-Not as good as I hoped.
Better than I feared.
For a few weeks...
after I left,
I...
I would wake up every Sunday morning
and it was... it was so quiet.
[tender score]
And I would think,
"This is ridiculous.
Today I’ll go back and...
you’ll be happy and I’ll be sorry and...
we’ll cry and...
Carl will make some awful joke and...
we’ll laugh and we’ll be a family again.
And then one Sunday...
I woke up and...
20 years had passed.
And I realized that some mistakes just...
haunt us forever.
-So, leaving...
leaving me,
leaving us...
was a mistake?
-It was a really difficult time.
That’s not an excuse. It’s just something
that you need to know.
-I know about the little girl.
[tremulous inhale]
About my sister.
-Carl told you?
-No.
No, not ever.
-It’s like after you were born, I...
I didn’t recognize myself.
I spent every day all alone with...
two strangers: you and me.
And the more I saw you figuring out the world
the more I just felt it slipping away.
-I never-- -And then I thought that maybe
I was standing in your way.
And that maybe that was why all those horrible...
things were whispering to you in the dark,
all those poor souls, those...
monsters and spooks.
Maybe they stepped in because I was never enough.
-It was never that.
-I knew that you had this whole other life.
And I could not follow you there.
And that’s why I walked away.
[shaky inhale]
And that’s why I asked you if you still hear the voices.
-Used to.
These days...
[deep sigh]
not so much.
-[sighs] What’s that like?
-It’s quiet.
It’s really...
quiet.
[rumbling]
[distant echoing voices]
[distant echoing voices continue]
[rumbling, voices subside]
[score fades out]
-This was nice.
[distant car horn honks]
Maybe I could, um...
I don’t know, give you a call once in a while?
-Once in a while would be nice.
Hey, Mom?
[tender score]
How ’bout Sunday mornings?
Sunday mornings could be a good time for a call.
-Okay.
Yeah.
[car door closes]
-[Zooey] Phil! Talk to me, babe -Hang on.
-[baby burps] -Ahh, good girl.
Good girl. Go with Uncie Augie.
-[August] Ooh! -[Lomax] Hm.
-Okay, check this out. -[gentle score]
This is the site of the Malachi house back in the 70s,
before developers got their hands on it.
-Oh, God. They built it on a cemetery?
-Why are the stones so small?
-Aha! It was a pet cemetery!
-[baby coos] -A pet cemetery.
-Of course the developers pulled the headstones down but
they didn’t do anything about the content.
-Oh, God. Really?
-I know. One phone call to Craig T. Nelson
could have cleared this whole thing up.
-Okay, so what do we do?
-The animal spirits need to be put to rest.
I know just the man for the job.
-You do? -Yeah.
[baby gurgles]
We used to work together.
[score intensifies]
[engine turns off]
[flashlight button clicks]
-[sighs] Holy shit.
Hello?
[eerie score] [tapping]
Hello?
[tools clatter onto table]
[creepy score]
Ah!
Phil sent me.
[score fades out]
Phil Orley?
-Father Phil. -And?
-I’ll be needing one Assisi.
St. Francis of, to go.
-Francis. Frank.
Brother Frankie. Huge seller!
He was big among the friars, which...
I thought was kind of ironic until I realized
they were talking about priests rather than chickens.
-I’m kind of in a hurry here, Ed.
-He’s been dead since 1226 so, yes,
I can understand your urgency.
[sighs] Anyway,
go help yourself to some mimosas and, uh,
I’ll see if I can’t pull you a quick Frankie.
[edgy score]
-Okay.
[phone ringing]
-What? -Lomax!
-[baby wailing] -Oh! Jesus! What is that noise?
-God, gas, gums, who can tell? Look,
I forgot to tell you, you need to place the statue
on the northwest corner of the garden.
-No. No, no, no. That’s way on the other side.
-Yeah, that is where most of the animals were interred.
-[sighs] Swell.
[creepy score]
[dramatic boom]
[growling]
[dog barks in distance]
Who’s a good client?
[growling continues]
Stay.
[gibberish]
Just-- Shit!
Shit! Shit! Oh, guys!
[growling]
[inspiring score]
[gasping] [wolves howling in distance]
[groans, coughing]
-[Dad] Yeah...
[relieved sigh]
-[Lomax] Huh.
-Lomax?
[relieved sigh]
-Yahtzee!
[sigh]
[gentle score]
-When I was in my first job,
working for an evil, oppressive corporation
under a miserable middle management drone
whose spirit had been crushed like a beer can long ago,
I learned two things.
Just two. First,
write a letter of resignation every week.
It’s cathartic.
You feel better not keeping things to yourself.
And second: set that letter on fire
and make sure nobody sees it, ever.
Because what are you, crazy?
Quit a paying job? In this economy?
-Lomax?
-Hey. -Smelled something burning.
Thought maybe Susan was back.
Is August is still here?
-Uh, yeah, I think he’s in his workshop.
[footsteps receding]
[sighs]
-Hey.
-Luke! Heavens!
-Have you seen Zooey?
-Uh, she didn’t return?
-Where’d she go?
-She went to see Susan.
[tense score]
[beep]
[phone buzzes repeatedly]
[gasps]
[coughing]
[groaning]
[screams] [thud]
[score fades out]