1
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‪《罩不住總統》前情提...

2
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‪不對,由我來

3
00:00:12,668 --> 00:00:14,418
‪《罩不住總統》前情提要

4
00:00:15,418 --> 00:00:17,084
‪總統,我們得帶你離開這裡

5
00:00:17,084 --> 00:00:18,293
‪謝天謝地

6
00:00:19,126 --> 00:00:20,709
‪查曼總統,這邊走

7
00:00:21,709 --> 00:00:23,751
‪花400石摳隆幫通風口加蓋?

8
00:00:23,751 --> 00:00:25,834
‪別鬧了,艾克斯崔

9
00:00:28,251 --> 00:00:32,043
‪我的英文不太好
‪不過腹瀉喉嚨爆炸

10
00:00:32,043 --> 00:00:35,626
‪我鄭重宣誓會當超屌總統

11
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‪至死方休

12
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‪可飲用的自來水出爐了

13
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‪不用再喝達沙尼了

14
00:00:51,459 --> 00:00:52,834
‪梅多拉克萊蒙?

15
00:00:53,334 --> 00:00:56,584
‪各位,我們不會稱之為猩托邦

16
00:00:56,584 --> 00:00:58,793
‪我提出秩序問題!

17
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‪聽我說明一下

18
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‪布萊德查曼總統可能還活著

19
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‪現在就在裡面

20
00:01:11,418 --> 00:01:15,043
‪《罩不住總統》

21
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{\an8}‪這是防外星人祕密地堡

22
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{\an8}‪是吉米卡特看《第三類接觸》後蓋的

23
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{\an8}‪他當時喝了幾瓶酒下肚

24
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{\an8}‪是拉瑪啊,你好嗎?

25
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{\an8}‪抱歉,你不在辦公室
‪我就一時沒能認出你

26
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{\an8}‪布萊德查曼可能還活著
‪你竟然現在才告訴我們?

27
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‪我才剛得知有這座地堡,博士

28
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‪多虧了總統秘辛

29
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‪-這是真的?
‪-是真的

30
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‪-我就知道
‪-拜託喔

31
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‪我上次見到查曼總統時
‪他沒提到有祕密地堡

32
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‪一個字都沒說

33
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‪總統先生,我們現在僅剩的時間

34
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‪就跟球潮蟲滾進搖椅下一樣緊迫

35
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‪所以我就廢話不多說,直接切入正題

36
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‪你究竟有什麼計畫?

37
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‪對喔,內...

38
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‪內閣和我正要前往戰情室

39
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‪我們在那裡會很安全

40
00:02:01,084 --> 00:02:04,376
‪那裡會很擠,不過大家可以坐我腿上

41
00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:06,626
‪很好,那我們下面見

42
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‪我以為他們都被炸爛了

43
00:02:11,543 --> 00:02:14,084
‪但原來查曼和他的內閣

44
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‪有可能就躲在這扇門後

45
00:02:16,834 --> 00:02:18,126
‪我們還在等什麼?

46
00:02:18,126 --> 00:02:20,793
‪你真的想清楚了嗎?

47
00:02:20,793 --> 00:02:22,084
‪我確定我沒想清楚

48
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‪是這樣的,我們已經有總統了

49
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‪但如果查曼從裡面走出來...

50
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‪那他就會變總統,我則是前總統

51
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‪我不想去蓋圖書館,絕對不要

52
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‪沒搞錯吧?法菈,快挺身反對他們

53
00:02:35,084 --> 00:02:38,543
‪現在是要在馬帝和查曼間做抉擇?

54
00:02:38,543 --> 00:02:41,959
{\an8}‪我要提出女傭制度

55
00:02:41,959 --> 00:02:45,001
{\an8}‪來支持我國的勤奮人妻們

56
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‪我們不是說過只要留下好東西嗎?

57
00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:50,043
‪那傢伙絕對是壞東西

58
00:02:50,043 --> 00:02:51,918
‪他用歧視字眼罵達賴喇嘛耶

59
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‪他對把他當朋友的人很刻薄

60
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‪我寧願讓馬帝當總統

61
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‪為什麼是“寧願”?

62
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‪查曼確實是在普選輸了一億六千萬票

63
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‪不過馬帝是透過大家拍手選出來的

64
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‪還有歡呼

65
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‪哎唷...

66
00:03:07,126 --> 00:03:10,293
‪萬萬沒想到

67
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‪這會是個難題

68
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‪不止一個,是一大堆難題

69
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‪總統先生,你認為呢?
‪你該繼續當總統嗎?

70
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‪我們都知道結果會是如何

71
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‪不過請先記下來
‪我出言反對我們犯下叛國罪

72
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‪讓正式民選總統關在裡面等死

73
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‪穆勒根,要犧牲小我,完成大我

74
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‪短打啊,孬種

75
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‪廁所在哪?

76
00:03:33,126 --> 00:03:35,126
‪讓他出來才是正確的

77
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‪我要完成大我

78
00:03:40,251 --> 00:03:41,834
‪-快開啊
‪-應該是要用拉的

79
00:03:41,834 --> 00:03:43,876
‪廢話,我是在拉筋

80
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‪(付費)

81
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‪這面是付費牆

82
00:03:53,209 --> 00:03:54,126
‪懂嗎?

83
00:03:54,626 --> 00:03:57,168
‪不懂,不過我的耳朵確實進水了

84
00:03:57,168 --> 00:04:00,376
‪你以後不用騎車沿街叫喊新聞

85
00:04:00,376 --> 00:04:03,334
‪大家會自己來找上門看獨家內容

86
00:04:03,334 --> 00:04:04,668
‪像是我們的上空女郎

87
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‪第一眼免費喔

88
00:04:06,709 --> 00:04:09,376
‪如果想要讓人
‪掏出他們辛苦賺來的小玩意

89
00:04:09,376 --> 00:04:10,834
‪還有雜七雜八的東西

90
00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,334
‪我們就需要更有料

91
00:04:12,334 --> 00:04:15,543
‪所以我們得追查傑瑞米王的小道消息

92
00:04:15,543 --> 00:04:17,626
‪我馬子也這麼說,我馬子就是我

93
00:04:17,626 --> 00:04:20,876
‪去找總統夫婦聊聊
‪看看你能挖出什麼料

94
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‪好,再見

95
00:04:22,126 --> 00:04:23,668
‪你幹嘛帶相機?

96
00:04:23,668 --> 00:04:25,626
‪你明知道我們不能洗照片

97
00:04:25,626 --> 00:04:27,376
‪有你那種消極態度當然不行

98
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‪看來查曼總統根本沒進入地堡

99
00:04:36,751 --> 00:04:37,834
‪我的天啊

100
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‪哇靠,他是總統嗎?

101
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‪他留鬍子還真帥,我該留鬍子嗎?

102
00:04:42,876 --> 00:04:44,251
‪外星人去死!

103
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‪-我們是人類
‪-人類

104
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‪我們是來救你的

105
00:04:51,793 --> 00:04:53,001
‪謝天謝地

106
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‪我還以為外星人要來讓我升天了

107
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‪我馬子也這麼說

108
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‪拉瑪,你活下來了

109
00:04:58,543 --> 00:04:59,834
‪是,總統,是我

110
00:04:59,834 --> 00:05:03,001
‪但容我冒昧請問,你的內閣在哪?

111
00:05:07,251 --> 00:05:09,126
‪有蟲,牠們進入地堡了

112
00:05:09,126 --> 00:05:11,918
‪總統先生,你好幾天沒睡了

113
00:05:11,918 --> 00:05:14,584
‪你先閉目養神一下吧
‪核武箱暫時交給我們保管

114
00:05:14,584 --> 00:05:18,168
‪為什麼?
‪你要用我們的核武轟炸自己嗎?

115
00:05:18,168 --> 00:05:19,251
‪你是牠們的同夥

116
00:05:19,251 --> 00:05:21,334
‪牠們披上你的人皮來騙我

117
00:05:21,334 --> 00:05:24,043
‪沒有啦,這裡沒有外星人

118
00:05:24,043 --> 00:05:26,793
‪你很安全,這裡飲食充足

119
00:05:26,793 --> 00:05:28,376
‪甚至還有萬聖節服裝

120
00:05:28,376 --> 00:05:29,959
‪你看,我是《蟲蟲危機》

121
00:05:30,501 --> 00:05:31,626
‪拜託喔,卡蘿

122
00:05:32,876 --> 00:05:33,918
‪不...

123
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‪不要!

124
00:05:36,876 --> 00:05:37,918
‪他們都死了

125
00:05:37,918 --> 00:05:40,001
‪被外星人殺害了

126
00:05:40,001 --> 00:05:41,584
‪但我幹掉了外星人

127
00:05:41,584 --> 00:05:43,084
‪真是悲劇

128
00:05:43,084 --> 00:05:45,501
‪我是因為想起之前一個笑話才在笑

129
00:05:45,501 --> 00:05:48,168
‪所以你現在沒有副總統?

130
00:05:49,334 --> 00:05:51,918
‪總統先生,我們帶你回家

131
00:05:51,918 --> 00:05:54,001
‪你都有在健身嗎?

132
00:05:54,001 --> 00:05:55,543
‪你竟然打開了門

133
00:05:55,543 --> 00:05:57,793
‪引用我在公立高中
‪短暫教師生涯說過的話

134
00:05:57,793 --> 00:06:01,334
‪唷...華高的同學弟兄們,我閃先

135
00:06:01,334 --> 00:06:02,709
‪你們要幹嘛?別過來

136
00:06:02,709 --> 00:06:05,001
‪我知道那麼做不容易,但你做得很好

137
00:06:05,001 --> 00:06:06,459
‪-我馬子也這麼說
‪-好啦

138
00:06:09,584 --> 00:06:11,376
‪牠們一定是看到兔子了

139
00:06:11,376 --> 00:06:14,376
‪斑鳩、威力、皮皮、莫納,過來!

140
00:06:14,376 --> 00:06:15,543
‪禮車不乖

141
00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:18,543
‪聽說他們讓你當了總統啊?

142
00:06:18,543 --> 00:06:19,918
‪因為我拯救了地球

143
00:06:19,918 --> 00:06:22,084
‪我很擅長投擲,那裡有個通風口

144
00:06:22,084 --> 00:06:23,293
‪這就說得通了

145
00:06:23,293 --> 00:06:27,168
‪我下地堡的時候
‪我們確實看起來是快要贏了

146
00:06:28,043 --> 00:06:28,876
‪好

147
00:06:30,751 --> 00:06:32,876
‪終於回來了,希望你有收穫

148
00:06:32,876 --> 00:06:35,084
‪我剛才都只能報無聊的名人新聞

149
00:06:35,084 --> 00:06:37,543
‪那是我第一次吃壽司

150
00:06:37,543 --> 00:06:39,168
‪也是最後一次

151
00:06:40,584 --> 00:06:42,376
‪白宮是怎麼回事?

152
00:06:42,376 --> 00:06:43,959
‪有醜聞?有人是同志?

153
00:06:43,959 --> 00:06:44,959
‪每個人都是同志?

154
00:06:44,959 --> 00:06:46,001
‪沒人是同志?

155
00:06:46,001 --> 00:06:48,126
‪那就很不尋常
‪現在的同志範圍非常廣

156
00:06:48,126 --> 00:06:49,043
‪我知道

157
00:06:49,043 --> 00:06:51,834
‪我照你說的去找總統夫婦談過了

158
00:06:51,834 --> 00:06:53,626
‪不好意思,馬帝不在

159
00:06:53,626 --> 00:06:54,751
‪好喔,再見

160
00:06:54,751 --> 00:06:55,668
‪再見

161
00:06:55,668 --> 00:06:59,084
‪沒挖到新聞
‪因為她說總統和大家都不見了

162
00:06:59,084 --> 00:07:01,043
‪沒人知道他們去哪了

163
00:07:01,043 --> 00:07:02,459
‪好,再見

164
00:07:02,459 --> 00:07:04,709
‪你這個蠢貨,那就是新聞啊

165
00:07:04,709 --> 00:07:06,709
‪你在指哪?那塊石頭嗎?

166
00:07:06,709 --> 00:07:08,084
‪那塊石頭是新聞?

167
00:07:08,084 --> 00:07:10,334
‪寶貝,我們走
‪我不要付帳聽這種垃圾

168
00:07:10,334 --> 00:07:13,459
‪你們不想聽
‪《超高頻》的製作祕辛嗎?

169
00:07:13,459 --> 00:07:15,876
‪法蘭德瑞雪是超級專業人士

170
00:07:15,876 --> 00:07:17,668
‪我想要恢復以往的生活

171
00:07:17,668 --> 00:07:20,043
‪我要廁所比臥室多的房子

172
00:07:20,043 --> 00:07:22,376
‪多非常多
‪你先想一個數字再乘以二

173
00:07:22,376 --> 00:07:24,126
‪四間廁所?

174
00:07:24,126 --> 00:07:25,834
‪去幫我挖大家願意買帳的新聞

175
00:07:30,334 --> 00:07:32,001
‪這地方看起來還真不錯

176
00:07:32,001 --> 00:07:34,876
‪白宮和人類都很棒

177
00:07:34,876 --> 00:07:36,626
‪我盡力守住這裡

178
00:07:36,626 --> 00:07:38,334
‪我用力踩著白宮

179
00:07:38,334 --> 00:07:41,876
‪說:“白宮,你別給我亂跑”

180
00:07:41,876 --> 00:07:45,084
‪卡萊,你知道我希望
‪當初能把握機會多做哪件事嗎?

181
00:07:45,084 --> 00:07:47,001
‪捏你的臉

182
00:07:47,001 --> 00:07:48,209
‪請便,總統

183
00:07:48,209 --> 00:07:49,959
‪我樂於效勞

184
00:07:49,959 --> 00:07:53,293
‪你正需要副總統,所以...

185
00:07:53,293 --> 00:07:55,084
‪沒問題,就讓你當吧

186
00:07:55,084 --> 00:07:58,043
‪你拿走了我的斧頭
‪我還有什麼選擇,對吧?

187
00:08:02,793 --> 00:08:04,418
‪真好笑,我...

188
00:08:06,793 --> 00:08:10,084
‪法菈,我不是第一夫人了嗎?

189
00:08:10,084 --> 00:08:13,251
‪對,不過別擔心
‪妳看起來還是...這樣

190
00:08:13,251 --> 00:08:14,168
‪妳會沒事的

191
00:08:14,168 --> 00:08:16,834
‪不是,我本來很擔心大家會氣我

192
00:08:16,834 --> 00:08:18,918
‪如果我不當美國的媽咪

193
00:08:18,918 --> 00:08:19,959
‪妳認為第一夫人是...

194
00:08:19,959 --> 00:08:22,626
‪但現在由不得我
‪我不能當第一夫人了

195
00:08:22,626 --> 00:08:24,334
‪所以我應該能去當女王了

196
00:08:24,334 --> 00:08:26,709
‪天啊,妳也能藉此得利

197
00:08:26,709 --> 00:08:29,126
‪妳就像性感美女版的《小鬼當街》

198
00:08:29,126 --> 00:08:30,043
‪1994年的電影

199
00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:32,293
‪真期待看到老鼠和小鳥做的禮服

200
00:08:32,293 --> 00:08:34,001
‪讓妳穿著和傑瑞米王結...

201
00:08:34,001 --> 00:08:37,626
‪我們大聲唱歌
‪因為現在是大聲唱歌時間

202
00:08:37,626 --> 00:08:41,334
‪一開始很大聲,越唱越大聲

203
00:08:41,334 --> 00:08:47,459
‪這就是大聲唱歌之歌!

204
00:08:47,459 --> 00:08:51,459
‪妳們會覺得這個查曼有點不對勁嗎?

205
00:08:51,459 --> 00:08:53,543
‪你的臉好真實

206
00:08:53,543 --> 00:08:55,001
‪謝謝稱讚

207
00:08:55,001 --> 00:08:58,209
‪我們或許不該草率讓他當回總統

208
00:08:58,209 --> 00:09:02,043
‪我又不喜歡他
‪我當年是投給綠黨候選人

209
00:09:02,043 --> 00:09:02,959
‪-有種
‪-真有種

210
00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:07,126
‪但有人說放他出來才是正確的

211
00:09:07,126 --> 00:09:08,584
‪對啊,算了吧

212
00:09:08,584 --> 00:09:11,543
‪我知道你喜歡那些好處
‪可以有個家,還有自己的飛機...

213
00:09:11,543 --> 00:09:13,209
‪我都去空軍一號上大便

214
00:09:13,209 --> 00:09:15,584
‪我稱之為空軍二號,都滿出來了

215
00:09:15,584 --> 00:09:17,459
‪但這樣對大家都好

216
00:09:17,459 --> 00:09:20,418
‪小馬帝卻步了嗎?

217
00:09:20,418 --> 00:09:22,834
‪他這隻淘氣小貓的襪襪掉了嗎?

218
00:09:22,834 --> 00:09:25,084
‪我只是覺得這個查曼很怪異

219
00:09:25,084 --> 00:09:27,709
‪跟怪人奧爾以前一樣

220
00:09:27,709 --> 00:09:30,334
‪不,查曼總統只是重生了

221
00:09:30,334 --> 00:09:33,334
‪他很感謝我們為國家做的事

222
00:09:33,334 --> 00:09:36,751
‪是時候穿上皮短褲下台一鞠躬了

223
00:09:36,751 --> 00:09:38,334
‪因為爸爸回家了

224
00:09:38,334 --> 00:09:39,959
‪別搞砸了,孩子

225
00:09:43,793 --> 00:09:47,001
‪巴瑞先生,很高興看到你在這裡

226
00:09:47,001 --> 00:09:49,251
‪廢話少多,大家都去哪了?

227
00:09:49,251 --> 00:09:50,376
‪包含你也是

228
00:09:50,959 --> 00:09:52,543
‪我就在這,大家都在

229
00:09:52,543 --> 00:09:54,293
‪太好了,再見

230
00:09:54,293 --> 00:09:55,959
‪且慢,文斯

231
00:09:55,959 --> 00:09:59,334
‪好喔

232
00:09:59,334 --> 00:10:02,209
‪我有獨家新聞要給你

233
00:10:02,209 --> 00:10:05,334
‪查曼總統還活著

234
00:10:05,334 --> 00:10:06,918
‪天啊

235
00:10:06,918 --> 00:10:11,251
‪重要的是我會繼續當副總統

236
00:10:11,251 --> 00:10:13,334
‪必須讓人民知道真正的總統回歸了

237
00:10:13,334 --> 00:10:16,501
‪我也立馬隨侍在他身邊

238
00:10:16,501 --> 00:10:19,834
‪這匹馬叫做...我信手拈來個名字

239
00:10:19,834 --> 00:10:21,043
‪火焰舞者

240
00:10:21,043 --> 00:10:22,126
‪牠聽起來很高大

241
00:10:22,126 --> 00:10:24,376
‪但我怎麼能確定查曼真的還活著?

242
00:10:24,376 --> 00:10:26,584
‪我超常被金光黨詐騙

243
00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:28,376
‪你想拍照嗎?

244
00:10:29,084 --> 00:10:30,168
‪總統先生

245
00:10:30,668 --> 00:10:31,959
‪你好啊

246
00:10:31,959 --> 00:10:32,918
‪笑一個

247
00:10:32,918 --> 00:10:33,959
‪天啊

248
00:10:33,959 --> 00:10:35,834
‪原來只是照相機

249
00:10:35,834 --> 00:10:36,918
‪也是喔

250
00:10:36,918 --> 00:10:37,834
‪我是記者

251
00:10:37,834 --> 00:10:40,834
‪我知道,你有單車安全帽跟其他裝備

252
00:10:40,834 --> 00:10:42,001
‪人模人樣

253
00:10:42,001 --> 00:10:43,251
‪不好意思

254
00:10:43,251 --> 00:10:46,334
‪我都忘了記者會有多累人

255
00:10:46,334 --> 00:10:47,918
‪我先小睡一下

256
00:10:47,918 --> 00:10:52,084
‪你們都知道人類睡覺時
‪不喜歡旁邊有人

257
00:10:52,084 --> 00:10:53,209
‪沒問題

258
00:10:54,334 --> 00:10:55,834
‪我不這麼認為

259
00:10:55,834 --> 00:10:59,334
‪媽媽沒坐在搖椅上盯著我
‪我就睡不著覺

260
00:10:59,334 --> 00:11:01,751
‪一邊看著我,手上編織著嬰兒服

261
00:11:02,751 --> 00:11:04,293
‪密碼是什麼來著?

262
00:11:04,293 --> 00:11:06,834
‪我知道有零跟六

263
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,626
‪有曲線的數字

264
00:11:09,209 --> 00:11:11,501
‪那些蟲子惹錯總統了

265
00:11:11,501 --> 00:11:12,418
‪就是我

266
00:11:13,209 --> 00:11:14,626
‪我的天啊

267
00:11:15,959 --> 00:11:19,834
‪那些畜生對真正的人類下了這種毒手

268
00:11:19,834 --> 00:11:21,959
‪你有其他同伴嗎?

269
00:11:23,959 --> 00:11:29,084
{\an8}‪(掃描)

270
00:11:29,668 --> 00:11:31,751
‪我有同伴

271
00:11:31,751 --> 00:11:34,459
‪牠們為什麼沒拿走我的大腦?

272
00:11:34,459 --> 00:11:35,501
‪牠們有什麼陰謀?

273
00:11:35,501 --> 00:11:36,751
‪總統先生,你好

274
00:11:36,751 --> 00:11:39,043
‪我知道你一向都不喜歡科學...

275
00:11:39,043 --> 00:11:41,626
‪現在沒人擔心你們的全球暖化了

276
00:11:41,626 --> 00:11:46,168
‪對,但我不禁注意到你還帶著核武箱

277
00:11:46,168 --> 00:11:49,084
‪那些飛彈的核心
‪能做為強大的能量源

278
00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:51,459
‪太空巫婆,原來這就是妳的如意算盤

279
00:11:51,459 --> 00:11:53,543
‪那些地堡蟲也打過同樣主意

280
00:11:54,126 --> 00:11:55,001
‪幹嘛打我?

281
00:11:56,293 --> 00:11:57,251
‪同伴

282
00:11:57,793 --> 00:11:59,418
‪博士,妳好

283
00:11:59,418 --> 00:12:01,543
‪妳躺在地上做什麼?

284
00:12:03,376 --> 00:12:06,334
‪0001

285
00:12:06,334 --> 00:12:07,668
‪我應該照順序測試才對

286
00:12:07,668 --> 00:12:09,459
‪強尼,有獨家新聞囉

287
00:12:10,126 --> 00:12:12,418
‪我不是想要繼續當總統,賽門

288
00:12:12,418 --> 00:12:14,959
‪我告訴你,他詭異地捏著我的臉

289
00:12:14,959 --> 00:12:15,918
‪對喔

290
00:12:15,918 --> 00:12:19,209
‪我都忘記第11修正案禁止大家捏臉了

291
00:12:19,209 --> 00:12:20,626
‪總統,這實在很可悲

292
00:12:20,626 --> 00:12:21,959
‪附帶一提,總統

293
00:12:21,959 --> 00:12:26,209
‪依照慣例,卸任總統要寫信給新總統

294
00:12:26,209 --> 00:12:30,793
‪什麼?要寫一大堆字嗎?

295
00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:33,543
‪媽,別走!

296
00:12:34,043 --> 00:12:37,251
‪抱歉,這是我看到
‪女人拉行李箱的本能反應

297
00:12:37,251 --> 00:12:38,209
‪妳在幹嘛?

298
00:12:38,209 --> 00:12:40,793
‪畢竟我們已經不住這裡了吧?

299
00:12:40,793 --> 00:12:42,543
‪對喔

300
00:12:42,543 --> 00:12:45,834
‪這好像那部電影《總統變貧民》

301
00:12:45,834 --> 00:12:47,668
‪由鮑布里吉和梅根馬克爾主演

302
00:12:47,668 --> 00:12:50,001
‪場景由溫哥華變華盛頓特區?先不要

303
00:12:50,001 --> 00:12:51,043
‪你的觀察力真好

304
00:12:51,043 --> 00:12:53,459
‪你差不多也該打包自己的...

305
00:12:53,459 --> 00:12:55,918
‪賤蟲們,準備受死吧

306
00:12:58,543 --> 00:13:01,209
‪我現在非常慶幸
‪那個人開槍射了布坎南吊燈

307
00:13:01,209 --> 00:13:02,293
‪雖然歷史...

308
00:13:06,501 --> 00:13:08,001
‪我不怕你們

309
00:13:08,001 --> 00:13:10,834
‪我殺了假冒內閣的外星人

310
00:13:10,834 --> 00:13:13,251
‪我也會殺光你們

311
00:13:13,251 --> 00:13:15,376
‪-放開我
‪-我的天啊

312
00:13:15,376 --> 00:13:16,626
‪我就說他發瘋了吧

313
00:13:16,626 --> 00:13:20,043
‪我在電子用品店打過三年工
‪一眼就能看得出誰是瘋子

314
00:13:20,043 --> 00:13:22,459
‪好吧,他確實瘋了
‪不能讓人知道他還活著

315
00:13:22,459 --> 00:13:23,793
‪糟糕,文斯巴瑞

316
00:13:23,793 --> 00:13:25,584
‪恕我失陪莫依夏

317
00:13:25,584 --> 00:13:28,709
‪看看他逃跑的樣子
‪他明顯是個外星人

318
00:13:28,709 --> 00:13:30,876
‪我們郡裡的男孩子都這樣跑步

319
00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:33,209
‪因為我們的體育老師是鴕鳥

320
00:13:33,209 --> 00:13:35,626
‪總統先生,這裡沒人是外星人

321
00:13:35,626 --> 00:13:37,918
‪喂!我泡掉最後一個茶包...

322
00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:41,001
‪不好意思
‪我不知道你們在群交,請繼續

323
00:13:41,001 --> 00:13:44,918
‪不是啦...那個外星人是我們的囚犯

324
00:13:45,918 --> 00:13:47,001
{\an8}‪其實呢

325
00:13:47,001 --> 00:13:49,043
{\an8}‪確實很有道哩,我相信你們了

326
00:13:49,043 --> 00:13:51,626
‪你可以放開我了,再把斧頭還我

327
00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:56,918
‪強尼,你一定要聽聽這個新聞

328
00:13:56,918 --> 00:13:59,209
‪一定會是大新聞

329
00:13:59,209 --> 00:14:02,251
‪我要跟朋友兼合夥人趙強尼這麼說

330
00:14:02,251 --> 00:14:04,168
‪但在那之前我會守口如瓶

331
00:14:04,168 --> 00:14:07,334
‪拜託啦,偷偷對我的屁股說嘛

332
00:14:07,334 --> 00:14:09,209
‪可是你的耳朵長在手上

333
00:14:09,209 --> 00:14:10,418
‪你真無趣

334
00:14:11,459 --> 00:14:13,626
‪巴瑞先生,終於找到你了

335
00:14:13,626 --> 00:14:16,584
‪總統想要讓你獨家採訪

336
00:14:16,584 --> 00:14:19,834
‪請在這裡等著,他馬上就來

337
00:14:19,834 --> 00:14:21,043
‪天啊

338
00:14:31,584 --> 00:14:32,793
‪你在做什麼?

339
00:14:32,793 --> 00:14:35,209
‪確保他嘴裡沒有藏迴紋針

340
00:14:35,209 --> 00:14:37,418
‪以免他用來開鎖

341
00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:38,918
‪你的味道跟蟲子一樣

342
00:14:38,918 --> 00:14:40,751
‪看來你知道蟲是什麼味道喔

343
00:14:40,751 --> 00:14:44,418
‪查曼總統,我保證我們都是人類

344
00:14:44,418 --> 00:14:45,793
‪是喔,證明給我看啊

345
00:14:47,293 --> 00:14:48,168
‪什麼?

346
00:14:48,751 --> 00:14:50,376
‪-你是人類嗎?
‪-不然換妳跳啊

347
00:14:50,376 --> 00:14:52,084
‪沒人需要跳舞好嗎?

348
00:14:52,084 --> 00:14:54,293
‪如果你們是人類
‪那我就是你們的總統

349
00:14:54,293 --> 00:14:57,376
‪我命令你們放開我,給我一把斧頭

350
00:14:58,084 --> 00:14:59,459
‪-這下兩難了
‪-他抓到破綻了

351
00:14:59,459 --> 00:15:01,001
‪簡直是腦筋職轉彎

352
00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:03,293
‪我一眼就看穿你們這些太空小雞雞

353
00:15:03,293 --> 00:15:06,709
‪那具人皮軀殼
‪一點都不像漢克史卡帕喬

354
00:15:06,709 --> 00:15:08,376
‪他是個義大利老頭

355
00:15:08,376 --> 00:15:10,376
‪這傢伙瘋了,槍殺他吧

356
00:15:10,376 --> 00:15:12,459
‪我們不能射任何人

357
00:15:13,251 --> 00:15:14,084
‪射了

358
00:15:14,084 --> 00:15:16,543
‪確實,他有點腦筋不正常

359
00:15:16,543 --> 00:15:18,209
‪但他是總統

360
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:19,918
‪而且我已經打包了

361
00:15:23,418 --> 00:15:27,751
‪我知道你們在用
‪外星心電感應討論我,真沒禮貌

362
00:15:27,751 --> 00:15:30,293
‪查曼總統,你經歷了嚴重心理創傷

363
00:15:30,293 --> 00:15:33,043
‪我知道你不是卡萊拉瑪

364
00:15:33,043 --> 00:15:37,376
‪那個萬年冷血老妖不可能活得下來

365
00:15:37,376 --> 00:15:41,126
‪就連他都不可能蠢到
‪讓那個白癡當總統

366
00:15:41,126 --> 00:15:42,251
‪哪個白癡?我嗎?

367
00:15:42,251 --> 00:15:43,959
‪抱歉打擾了

368
00:15:43,959 --> 00:15:47,251
‪我們還要為克絲汀慶生嗎?

369
00:15:47,251 --> 00:15:49,668
‪儘管挖出我的腦子

370
00:15:49,668 --> 00:15:52,543
‪美國不跟恐怖分子談判

371
00:15:52,543 --> 00:15:55,876
‪除非你們有石油,或是想買飛機

372
00:15:55,876 --> 00:15:59,418
‪陶德的腦子是從哪挖走的?

373
00:15:59,418 --> 00:16:01,293
‪人類同胞,大家好

374
00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:03,751
‪是我啊,人類格倫

375
00:16:03,751 --> 00:16:07,126
{\an8}‪我把那個帥囚犯關起來了,眨眼

376
00:16:07,126 --> 00:16:08,793
‪-艾克斯崔,不要這樣
‪-別鬧了

377
00:16:08,793 --> 00:16:10,251
‪你最好直接殺了我

378
00:16:10,251 --> 00:16:13,001
‪不然要是被我逃出去
‪我就要用核武轟爆地球

379
00:16:13,001 --> 00:16:15,251
‪再往你的輻射頭骨撒尿

380
00:16:15,251 --> 00:16:16,251
‪天啊

381
00:16:16,251 --> 00:16:17,584
{\an8}‪真嚇人

382
00:16:18,876 --> 00:16:20,543
‪我不想被核爆

383
00:16:20,543 --> 00:16:21,459
‪是核炸

384
00:16:21,459 --> 00:16:23,834
‪不過我們不是已經打算放下了嗎?

385
00:16:23,834 --> 00:16:26,793
‪我們應該殺了查曼
‪沒人知道他還活著吧?

386
00:16:26,793 --> 00:16:29,084
‪說來有趣,其實...

387
00:16:29,084 --> 00:16:32,376
‪我們大聲唱歌
‪因為現在是大聲唱歌時間

388
00:16:32,376 --> 00:16:35,376
‪一開始很大聲,越唱越大聲

389
00:16:36,668 --> 00:16:39,418
‪我之所以會說出去
‪是因為他突然改變心意

390
00:16:39,418 --> 00:16:42,584
‪他大概會像平常一樣搞砸一切

391
00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:44,584
‪沒錯,我本來是打算要放火

392
00:16:44,584 --> 00:16:46,834
‪查曼這次喜歡我耶

393
00:16:46,834 --> 00:16:48,793
‪他說我可以當他的副總統

394
00:16:48,793 --> 00:16:51,126
‪所以你才故意說出去,臭黃鼠狼

395
00:16:51,126 --> 00:16:53,376
‪黃鼠狼這種動物又可愛又勇猛

396
00:16:53,376 --> 00:16:56,626
‪但我又不知道他瘋得可以

397
00:16:56,626 --> 00:16:58,668
‪那我們就連文斯巴瑞一起殺了

398
00:16:58,668 --> 00:17:01,043
‪附帶一提,我不介意殺害人類

399
00:17:01,043 --> 00:17:02,418
‪我們不能殺人

400
00:17:02,418 --> 00:17:04,501
‪我們應該引用第25修正案...

401
00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:08,334
‪然後查曼任命的副總統就會成為總統

402
00:17:08,334 --> 00:17:09,584
‪就這麼辦

403
00:17:09,584 --> 00:17:12,543
‪但我們無法這麼做
‪因為必須由被查曼碎屍萬段的內閣

404
00:17:12,543 --> 00:17:15,668
‪遞實體文書給已經融化的議院院長...

405
00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:17,709
‪拜託一下

406
00:17:17,709 --> 00:17:19,459
‪你們的政府是這樣運作的?

407
00:17:19,459 --> 00:17:22,376
‪該死中的該死

408
00:17:22,376 --> 00:17:25,959
‪你當初就該聽我們的
‪讓他留在地堡裡就好

409
00:17:25,959 --> 00:17:28,251
‪等等,是你放查曼出來的?

410
00:17:28,251 --> 00:17:30,959
‪對啊,妳每次都說
‪“馬帝,你要做正確的事

411
00:17:30,959 --> 00:17:32,501
‪你超棒的

412
00:17:32,501 --> 00:17:35,501
‪你應該要是
‪《驚險大挑戰》的第一支單人隊伍”

413
00:17:35,501 --> 00:17:38,668
‪儘管我不在場叮嚀
‪你還是做了正確的事

414
00:17:39,251 --> 00:17:42,918
‪我們不能放任瘋總統核爆我們

415
00:17:42,918 --> 00:17:46,543
‪防研署之前在研究
‪《MIB》的記憶消除器

416
00:17:46,543 --> 00:17:48,876
‪結果只讓威爾史密斯變得很怪

417
00:17:48,876 --> 00:17:49,793
‪為什麼拿他試...

418
00:17:49,793 --> 00:17:54,626
‪我們就效法查曼先生
‪讓卡萊在戰情室等死的行為

419
00:17:54,626 --> 00:17:57,918
‪把那個廢物丟回他之前待地堡

420
00:17:57,918 --> 00:18:01,293
‪反正他本來也是因為
‪我們英明神武的真總統才能出來

421
00:18:01,293 --> 00:18:03,668
‪-你有夠誇張
‪-我喜歡這傢伙,他講話就是老實

422
00:18:03,668 --> 00:18:05,751
‪我們不能任意監禁他

423
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:08,709
‪要先經過眾議院彈劾
‪再通過三分之二投票...

424
00:18:08,709 --> 00:18:10,084
‪這個國家蠢透了

425
00:18:11,751 --> 00:18:15,834
‪但如果是查曼自願回地堡呢?

426
00:18:17,043 --> 00:18:18,626
‪我有個想法

427
00:18:18,626 --> 00:18:20,418
‪但我們得封住文斯巴瑞的嘴

428
00:18:20,418 --> 00:18:21,668
‪而且不能殺死他

429
00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:23,251
‪因為他戴著安全帽

430
00:18:23,251 --> 00:18:26,251
‪但我可能有辦法扼殺那個新聞

431
00:18:26,251 --> 00:18:29,168
‪法菈,妳還留著
‪艾克斯崔之前脫的殼嗎?

432
00:18:29,168 --> 00:18:30,959
‪-就在我的實驗室,要幹嘛?
‪-變態

433
00:18:30,959 --> 00:18:32,334
‪你的手臂還會重生吧?

434
00:18:32,334 --> 00:18:33,334
‪對,不過為什麼...

435
00:18:33,334 --> 00:18:34,626
‪沒時間解釋了

436
00:18:40,376 --> 00:18:42,626
‪恭喜

437
00:18:42,626 --> 00:18:45,376
‪我們低估了你的人類腦袋

438
00:18:45,376 --> 00:18:49,709
‪被你猜到了,我們確實都是外星人

439
00:18:53,084 --> 00:18:54,418
‪真是種族歧視

440
00:18:54,418 --> 00:18:56,459
‪我寧死也不願意交出核武

441
00:18:58,376 --> 00:19:02,084
‪你正是會乖乖這麼做

442
00:19:02,084 --> 00:19:04,501
‪機器人奴隸,把人犯帶到刑求室

443
00:19:04,501 --> 00:19:08,168
‪進行人腦摘除手術

444
00:19:13,293 --> 00:19:14,751
‪我在學卡蒂B語

445
00:19:14,751 --> 00:19:16,126
‪我的動詞正確嗎?

446
00:19:19,876 --> 00:19:21,418
‪外星人,去死吧

447
00:19:21,918 --> 00:19:24,126
‪該死,難怪他會問我

448
00:19:25,793 --> 00:19:29,751
‪陶德受命要帶你去找反抗軍

449
00:19:29,751 --> 00:19:32,293
‪你是說別處還有我們這種人類?

450
00:19:32,293 --> 00:19:34,876
‪沒錯,我們這種人類

451
00:19:34,876 --> 00:19:37,209
‪我曾是人類

452
00:19:41,084 --> 00:19:42,001
‪看看他的小手

453
00:19:42,001 --> 00:19:43,709
‪簡直就像小寶寶的手

454
00:19:43,709 --> 00:19:46,793
‪好痛,住手,好痛,別打了

455
00:19:46,793 --> 00:19:48,209
‪你自己走開不就好了?

456
00:19:52,293 --> 00:19:55,293
‪總統先生,歡迎加入人類反抗軍

457
00:19:55,293 --> 00:19:57,168
‪你可以叫我電鋸

458
00:19:57,168 --> 00:19:58,501
‪這位是八號球

459
00:19:58,501 --> 00:20:00,084
‪那位是...九號球

460
00:20:00,084 --> 00:20:01,751
‪這位是...十號球

461
00:20:01,751 --> 00:20:04,084
‪謝天謝天,我終於又和人類在一起了

462
00:20:04,084 --> 00:20:06,959
‪牠們的人皮軀殼非常逼真

463
00:20:06,959 --> 00:20:10,459
‪你如果擔心我們是外星人
‪儘管把他開腸破肚檢查

464
00:20:11,501 --> 00:20:13,293
‪不用,我不需要做那種事

465
00:20:13,293 --> 00:20:15,001
‪但你的心意讓我很感動

466
00:20:15,001 --> 00:20:18,334
‪總統,你對我們的大業極度重要

467
00:20:18,334 --> 00:20:21,751
‪我們得保護你安全,直到我們打敗

468
00:20:21,751 --> 00:20:23,084
‪外星人?

469
00:20:23,084 --> 00:20:26,209
‪總統,你知道哪裡有食物和電力嗎?

470
00:20:26,209 --> 00:20:29,168
‪例如外星人最想不到的地方

471
00:20:29,168 --> 00:20:31,959
‪因為牠們已經去那邊找過你了

472
00:20:31,959 --> 00:20:33,584
‪蠢蛋外星人

473
00:20:33,584 --> 00:20:35,709
{\an8}‪我知道有個完美地方

474
00:20:37,459 --> 00:20:39,668
‪地堡竟然從頭到尾

475
00:20:39,668 --> 00:20:41,918
‪就在這個爛透的種子庫?

476
00:20:41,918 --> 00:20:43,959
‪什...這...

477
00:20:43,959 --> 00:20:45,918
‪扯爆了

478
00:20:45,918 --> 00:20:48,876
‪十號球,你還好嗎?
‪你平常不是這樣講話

479
00:20:48,876 --> 00:20:50,918
‪妳這句話說得不對喔

480
00:20:50,918 --> 00:20:53,209
‪等你們打敗外星人就會來接我?

481
00:20:53,209 --> 00:20:55,168
‪-沒錯,老大
‪-那當然,再見

482
00:21:01,293 --> 00:21:03,376
‪我從這次經驗學到的唯一教訓

483
00:21:03,376 --> 00:21:05,501
‪就是陶德的手臂實在很萬能

484
00:21:05,501 --> 00:21:06,751
‪哎唷...

485
00:21:06,751 --> 00:21:08,126
‪-又有蛇
‪-不要再來這套啦

486
00:21:08,959 --> 00:21:10,709
‪總統,你在這裡會很安全

487
00:21:11,209 --> 00:21:13,084
‪核武箱呢?

488
00:21:17,418 --> 00:21:18,876
‪趁陶德引開查曼注意的時候

489
00:21:18,876 --> 00:21:20,959
‪我們用露西的包包跟核武包掉包

490
00:21:20,959 --> 00:21:22,584
‪我的計畫!這是馬帝想的

491
00:21:23,293 --> 00:21:26,459
‪到底為什麼不讓我先把內褲拿出來?

492
00:21:26,459 --> 00:21:27,793
‪要保持重量啊,傻瓜

493
00:21:27,793 --> 00:21:30,793
‪那這樣就沒有漏網之魚了

494
00:21:32,001 --> 00:21:34,709
‪我扼殺了那則新聞
‪非常感謝,不用客氣

495
00:21:34,709 --> 00:21:35,751
‪(豆子)

496
00:21:37,001 --> 00:21:39,168
‪鄉親們,這則新聞不同凡響

497
00:21:39,168 --> 00:21:41,418
‪查曼總統還活著

498
00:21:41,418 --> 00:21:43,001
‪你的大新聞就這樣?

499
00:21:43,001 --> 00:21:45,751
‪這跟那邊那個瘋子喊的一樣嘛

500
00:21:45,751 --> 00:21:47,043
‪他都喊半小時了

501
00:21:47,043 --> 00:21:49,834
‪大家注意,查曼總統還活著

502
00:21:49,834 --> 00:21:51,709
‪這是拉瑪副總統親自告訴我的

503
00:21:51,709 --> 00:21:52,626
‪什麼?

504
00:21:52,626 --> 00:21:55,834
‪我不知道拉瑪在玩哪套
‪但我們被耍了,文巴

505
00:21:55,834 --> 00:21:57,834
‪真希望經紀人還在

506
00:21:57,834 --> 00:21:59,709
‪他毀了我的付費牆

507
00:21:59,709 --> 00:22:01,709
‪現在我永遠都買不起豪宅了

508
00:22:01,709 --> 00:22:03,459
‪以及人體西洋棋組

509
00:22:03,459 --> 00:22:04,751
‪以及人體跳棋組

510
00:22:04,751 --> 00:22:07,668
‪兩者基本上都一樣
‪只是他們又矮又胖

511
00:22:07,668 --> 00:22:08,584
‪但又很會跳

512
00:22:08,584 --> 00:22:11,293
‪但我能證明查曼還活著,我有照片

513
00:22:11,293 --> 00:22:13,584
‪何必呢?我們又不能洗照片

514
00:22:13,584 --> 00:22:15,959
‪等等,你們有照片?

515
00:22:18,793 --> 00:22:23,168
‪恭喜你們成功把合法領袖關入地牢

516
00:22:23,168 --> 00:22:24,459
‪很有卡蒂B的風範

517
00:22:24,459 --> 00:22:26,418
‪欺騙查曼根本就比不上

518
00:22:26,418 --> 00:22:28,876
‪當初建立這個國家的叛國行為

519
00:22:28,876 --> 00:22:30,918
‪而且他比喬治三世瘋狂多了

520
00:22:30,918 --> 00:22:32,418
‪喬治傅曼的孫女?

521
00:22:32,418 --> 00:22:34,918
‪我在餐廳服務過她一次,她人很好

522
00:22:34,918 --> 00:22:38,084
‪但查曼對你說的那些話
‪絕對是瘋了,馬帝

523
00:22:38,084 --> 00:22:41,126
‪-你當總統比他好多了
‪-我敬一杯

524
00:22:41,126 --> 00:22:43,876
‪雖然我本來就在喝,也打算繼續喝

525
00:22:43,876 --> 00:22:45,084
‪不過還是乾啦!

526
00:22:45,084 --> 00:22:48,584
‪說得好,這件事我們再也不要提起

527
00:22:48,584 --> 00:22:50,126
‪敬我們的小祕密

528
00:22:50,126 --> 00:22:51,293
‪-乾杯
‪-說得好

529
00:22:51,293 --> 00:22:52,376
‪乾

530
00:22:52,376 --> 00:22:55,209
‪陶德喝太多了?

531
00:22:55,209 --> 00:22:57,251
‪這就像《是誰搞的鬼》

532
00:22:57,251 --> 00:22:59,959
‪但露西是珍妮佛樂芙休伊
‪還有莎拉蜜雪兒吉蘭

533
00:22:59,959 --> 00:23:02,293
‪我是小弗雷迪普林斯和萊恩菲利普

534
00:23:02,293 --> 00:23:03,751
‪你們其他人都是葛萊奇

535
00:23:03,751 --> 00:23:05,376
‪艾克斯崔,你是雨衣男

536
00:23:08,668 --> 00:23:11,001
‪我自己洗照片好幾年了

537
00:23:11,001 --> 00:23:15,376
‪沃爾格林的深層政府
‪可是很想染指我手上的東西

538
00:23:17,043 --> 00:23:19,293
‪謝謝你們協助我用完這捲底片

539
00:23:20,959 --> 00:23:23,168
‪你怎麼能拍得那麼爛?

540
00:23:23,168 --> 00:23:25,543
‪那是什麼?夜襲班加西?

541
00:23:25,543 --> 00:23:27,376
‪本來應該是查曼總統

542
00:23:27,376 --> 00:23:29,501
‪但鏡頭蓋很不合作

543
00:23:33,334 --> 00:23:35,043
‪這張不錯喔,帥哥

544
00:23:35,043 --> 00:23:38,543
‪但那是復活節拍的
‪而且我要拍的花都糊掉了

545
00:23:38,543 --> 00:23:40,876
‪但背景卻很清楚

546
00:23:41,918 --> 00:23:44,793
‪這個新聞可猛了

547
00:24:34,709 --> 00:24:36,626
‪字幕翻譯:韓仁耀